Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Bridget Ponte Shirtdress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
One of the hardest things about getting dressed in the summer is that the crisp dress that leaves my house at 7:30 a.m. often looks wildly different from the wrinkled mess that returns home at 6:30 p.m. I’m always on the hunt for something that will keep me from looking like a wilted flower by the time I show up at my final meeting for the day, so this shirtdress from Boden really caught my eye. The brand promises that it will not crease, “not on a plane, at a desk, or during after work drinks.”
I’m ready to put this striped colorway to the test, but it also comes in jewel green, pomegranate, and navy.
The dress is $138-$230 at Boden and comes in sizes 0-20/22.
Sales of note for 7/3 (Happy 4th!):
- Nordstrom – Designer clearance, up to 60% off!
- Alexis Bittar – 20% off sitewide thru 7/5
- Alex Mill – 40-70% off some of their favorite, small batch pieces!
- Another Tomorrow – Final days of sale, new styles added
- Ann Taylor – 50% off everything + free shipping — readers love this blouse and I always love the variety of colors/textures for this jacket (it's a great separate)
- Athleta – Extra 20% off semi-annual sale, up to 60% off reader favorites like Brookyn and Endless pants
- AYR – Ooh, good sale section — but lots on final sale. Readers love (LOVE) these comfy work pants and these jeans.
- Banana Republic – Summer sale up to 60% off sale styles + extra 20% off
- Boden -Up to 60% off plus an extra 15% off – readers love these dresses, these blazers, and the brand's fun suiting
- COS – New pieces added to sale, up to 60% off
- DeMellier – Summer sale: Final Reductions (ends soon!)
- Evereve – Extra 30% off sale!
- The Fold – Up to 50% off, further markdowns
- Hobbs – Up to 50% off, extra 20% off sale
- J.Crew – Summer sale – up to 60% off summer styles, and 40% off select cashmere
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off all stores and sitewide, plus 60% off clearance
- Jenni Kayne – Semi-annual warehouse sale
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (but 10% off sitewide!) (love their new weekender!)
- Lululemon – Summer sale!
- Margaux – Save up to 50% off, including archive sale
- M.M.LaFleur – Sitewide sale, up to 70% off! (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Nordstrom Rack – Clearance, new arrivals up to 75% off! Nice selection of Vince, Veronica Beard, Reiss and Rag & Bone, a ton of affordable work dresses from Calvin Klein, Maggy London, Eliza J, and Donna Morgan
- Ruti – 15% sitewide
- Sarah Flint – Extra 30% off select styles (we just ranked these shoes as some of our top 10 most comfortable heel brands)
- Strathberry – Up to 30% off select styles
- Stuart Weitzman – Summer styles now up to 40% off
- Talbots – 50% off your entire purchase + free shipping
- Veronica Beard – Extra 25% off sale
What do you like about in house life? When’s the best time to go in house? What’s the job search process like after you’re there?
What I like about in-house life: I never work more than 45 hrs a week unless I am traveling that week, the flexibility (we are RTO 3 days, but my boss DGAF how you flex it as long as the client isn’t complaining they can’t find you), the business I support keeps things interesting although not interesting in the novel legal idea sense, that I get to be part of business area leadership teams, that I have the opportunity to move around the company to different business areas if I want (and it’s encouraged), the bonuses here have been great the last few years (my law firm bonuses sucked, and there were no bonuses in state gov).
I went in-house after about 10 years of practicing, but I also followed a non-traditional route so not sure my experience will be useful.
Not quite sure what you mean about the job search process – all the attorney positions available at my company are posted internally (also usually externally) but internal candidates are favored. It’s good to network with the other lawyers in business areas different than yours for a slight advantage in the internal interview process, but it’s not necessary. I have only been in-house two places, and I found my first role through a law school classmate and was recruited for my second role (different company). I’ve moved internally once at my current company in four and a half years.
I am in-house for a smaller company, so my experience isn’t necessarily applicable to somewhere with a huge legal department. The thing I like best is that it is much more predictable than my life as a law firm partner. I only have one client, and I know their business very well, so I know what the ebbs and flows of the year look like. My life isn’t upended with emergencies nearly as often as when I had multiple clients to help.
My biggest things are not billing hours (of course!) and being part of the team rather than just an outsider. My part is a little different; I was associate at a small firm that did a huge amount of its business for this company, then the company brought us in-house, which makes much more sense. We have a fairly small team for a largish company, and have started the legal team from scratch, so it’s a constant learning experience. It also helps that I like the people I work with, we’ve all worked together for a long time, and the company is a non-profit that is vital to the local community and does great work.
Downsides are that it’s probably more unpredictable then my firm life was (which was unusually predictable for a law firm) because I do have so many more responsibilities and limited resources, and it can be difficult to understand (and communicate to colleagues) where my role as counsel ends. But overall, it’s great and I’m really lucky to have landed here.
Oh, another big change that I didn’t think of before I moved – I realized I’d spent the past several years of my professional life almost exclusively talking to either lawyers or the sorts of people who deal with lawyers a lot, while now, I’m talking to a lot of different people. Some are really smart but not lawyerly at all (doctors, nurses). Sone are realistically just not very smart (even if they may be good workers in their specific role). It makes me really re-think how to communicate with people.
Not all lawyers are smart.
Best — probably around years 5-6. You’ve gotten senior enough that you know the substance reasonably well, and also are used to taking the lead on work. The attorneys that leave after 2-3 years struggle more because they’re used to having their work go through more review (like, through a senior associate or partner) before it goes to a client… and in house, you’re the primary on most of your work immediately.
What I like — getting involved in projects early on. Working with the same (internal) clients means you get into a real groove. Not having to worry about business development and your “day job.” And taking PTO doesn’t mean you have to make up the billables somewhere :)
Lots of people change companies as in-house counsel. It’s actually easier to get an in-house job once you’ve had one, IMHO.
Better work life balance. Less stress. I have outside counsel to lean on in emergencies. Not billing time has done wonders for my mental health. Getting to learn other skills and flex different kinds of muscles beyond research/write/analyze/litigate/counsel clients who may or may not take your advice again and again.
I’ve been practicing for about 15 years and when I graduated from law school, it seemed like the conventional wisdom was that you (generally) needed to be senior associate level or partner level to be competitive for in-house roles. I think that has changed and there are far more in-house opportunities available to younger attorneys these days. But, I think that unless you are in a very large legal department in a sophisticated company with lots of structure and mentoring, it is more difficult to learn the fundamentals of lawyering when you’re a junior in-house than in a firm. I would not suggest going in-house before 6-7 years to get that skill development, but others may differ. Your comp trajectory is also much flatter in-house.
When you say you have outside counsel to lean on in emergencies, can you talk about who in a law firm you actually call first? I feel that if I want a timely and helpful response, it is at the partner level (probably an equity partner), who will always give me a quick call or even a vibe check (we can help you here – when would you like to talk). I really wouldn’t trust junior people to be timely or good these days (and even for them to bring in someone more senior when the recognize that they are nervous or out of their depth). I kind of worry for how things will be when the older guard retires.
Typically a partner. This is less about the quality of juniors and more about efficiency and logistics. The partners we work with know us and our business well and have the experience needed for a quick vibe check. They can loop in their juniors or mid-levels as needed for research/support but getting to a partner first is almost always more efficient and lets them get the ball rolling internally in a way that makes sense for them.
Quality of juniors varies widely. Quality of outside counsel in general vary widely. I’ve worked with some truly incredible outside counsel and some (partner level!) who I’ve legitimately considered reporting to the state bar for malpractice.
Shout out to all the great associates out there who are grinding it out writing the briefs and doing the research so I don’t have to. You’re (probably) making more money than me but I am grateful that you’re willing to put in the hours so I can hang out with my dog and my family. If you ever feel like you’re not appreciated, you are.
100% you call the partner you work with for this type of thing. They may triage behind-the-scenes but the partner is typically the one who has the big picture (like knows your org, your industry, and even your internal politics) so can give the best quick initial advice.
What I like – no billing, better work life balance, weekend emergencies are true emergencies (e.g., sirens involved) not created biglaw weekend emergencies.
Best time – depends on where you go, how senior the position is and how big the department is. I’ve known plenty of lawyers that have made the jump at partner level for a senior position at their trusted client (and did the same myself), so it’s not purely an associate move. Agree with everyone that lawyers that make the jump very junior (2-3 years) typically struggle, especially if they are getting out of firm life because of a lack of mentoring/experience.
I went in-house after practicing for about 8 years. My firm typically made associates partner around years 10/11. I worked in litigation/operations and went in-house into a transactional/operations position, but I had a lot of experience in the industry I now work in. This was a good time to go in-house for me because I had developed a lot of skills from being at the firm, but I was also junior enough to be willing to change practice areas and didn’t have unrealistic compensation expectations.
Likes: More reliable work schedule. I could count the number of times I’ve had to work outside of standard work hours since I’ve been here. Everyone is nicer– which helps when you are working towards a common goal. More standardized mentorship/development/feedback. Here, there is a tendency to try to develop existing talent. At my firm, often there was an assumption that if you didn’t like someone they leave eventually, and there just wasn’t structured mentorship.
Job search: Agree that finding an in-house job is easier once you are in-house (especially if you’re looking in the right cities for your industry). I considered looking for a new job recently and very quickly got three interviews… part of this is that recruiters already know you are willing to accept the compensation of in-house. You also already have experience talking to clients/business people, which firm lawyers do not have. In addition, in-house lawyers tend to be more generalists than firm lawyers– it’s easier to get a generalist experience in-house.
A former colleague has been charged by police, and admitted, to possessing child pornography.
I liked and respected him and am also angry at him for this and also for bringing our area of specialty into disrepute.
I know that statistics show one in six men are sexually attracted to children but god it’s hard to think about how many of these people we work and socialise with. (Source:
https://www.humanrights.unsw.edu.au/news/shocking-number-australian-men-sexually-attracted-children-and-teens)
Any advice on processing this on a professional level? I’ll definitely get some personal therapy about this too, as it brings up other stuff for me.
This is not something I want to talk about on a fashion blog. It’s fine that you’re angry and upset. Time will cause you to forget the transgression of your co-worker.
IDK how this would bring your area into disrepute (vs your firm), but I think that this is where I lean on the people paid a lot to deal with this stuff (like your GC and their outside crisis management team and any malpractice / liability carrier if it truly implicates your work). And if the taint is that bad, start to look for a work home elsewhere so you can start fresh.
My uncle went to federal prison for this. (Not a blood relation thank god.) heres my thought: it’s not about us. It’s about his victims and his family. And hopefully whoever police were able to catch connected to him.
I have taken it as a lesson learned to trust my gut, there was always something smarmy about him.
I’m not seeing the direct link to you at the level you believe. I think it’s healthy to feel compassion for the victims, disgust at him, and shock and anger for believing someone was normal who wasn’t but also recognize this isn’t your drama to insert yourself into. It may feel very personal but you’re not the main character or even a side character in this. And the source you’re citing even seems like you’re trying to give this more air. It is incredibly upsetting. But that’s different than feeling like you’re going to be personally branded in some way.
It’s a former colleague at that!
Sadly part of the reason for that stat is that our culture is a lot more okay with this than it pretends to be. But the internet has also made it easier to catch people, so these arrests are not uncommon either. I’m not sure how much you really have to worry about fall out or disrepute unless there are factors I’m missing (especially when you describe this as a former colleague). My experience is that these people just become people who aren’t mentioned anymore.
Early in my career, someone on the opposing side of a deal got arrested for this…it was on his WORK computer. I felt so icky about the whole thing, especially because we spoke frequently and never got any weird vibes from him. After it happened, I distanced myself from the deal as much as possible (the deal did close somehow). I had other co-workers on the deal as well and we all supported on another. We all felt really awful about it. Even though you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just a horrible feeling all around. It helped me to remember that you truly don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and to not divulge to much personal information when in a professional setting. Therapy will be helpful, I personally did not get any after the situation. I did not have kids at the time this happened, I have 2 now and I think I would require therapy if the same thing happened again.
I’m not sure what specific professional processing needs to happen separately from your personal therapy.
I’m also guessing this guy was at your company until this came to light, at which point he was fired? Find out what the company-approved statement is and use it when communicating with his former clients. Otherwise, the professional response is to treat this like any other abrupt departure: pick up the pieces and move forward without dwelling on the past.
If this is a contact from a former workplace and not your current one, then there doesn’t seem to be any action necessary for you to take from a professional standpoint.
There’s literally no need to process this at all professional level. You don’t work with the guy, you’re not a part of this.
You’re giving serious main character energy.
I think it’s pretty natural to have some negative feelings about something of this magnitude if it involves someone you know.
Tips for getting a good at home headshot? Apparently I need to provide one for a meeting I’m speaking at next week… Somehow I’ve been just avoiding the issue for longer than I should have.
I’m sure some blog has a tutorial but I’m a little frazzled today.
lighting, lighting, lighting. Take it in early morning or golden hour early evening natural light for the best result.
Disagree. Golden soft light isn’t usually the norm for headshots. (Wedding photos, sure.) Brighter is usually better.
The Snow app is great for minor photo edits without looking like AI. Hate hate hate the AI.
Take a TON with different expressions and clothes.
Get a blowout! Then pick a neutral color background (cream or light blue?) near a window with natural lighting, set up a backless stool, and have a partner take 100 photos of you… at least that’s what worked for me!
+1 on blow out.
If you live in the city, I’d also do a quick google search for headshots. There are plenty of actual photographers that can do a quick 20 minute appointment and solve this problem for you for $100-$200. Even if timing doesn’t work, I’m a huge advocate of getting professional headshots done just to have a couple good headshots every 5-10 years.
JCPenney did a phenomenal job on mine (I know, I know—but they did)
Lots of light, although filter it if necessary to avoid harsh shadows.
Anything but an AI headshot. On the light piece – think about the temperature of the tone and the angle of your light, too.
For those of you who are really intentional about your clothing, how exactly do you go about it?
I’m hybrid now after four years fully remote, and I’m slowly adding to my workwear collection (which mostly is pre-Covid).
But! I’m focusing only on pieces with specific parameters- machine washable, ideally natural fabrics, and colors that complement my soft summer self. I’m also a 5’2 size 00 and it’s a challenge to find clothes that fit without tailoring that basically costs as much as the item itself.
I’m fine with this search taking a while- I’m not in a rush- but I keep ordering things online and having to return almost all of it. This just seems so wasteful, both in terms of time and environment.
So, picky fashionistas out there- how do you do it?
Your size will be tough. My advice is go to a large mall, that has high end stores. Try on half a dozen pieces from several high end brands. Take photos of the items and tags and how they look on you. Then you can stalk sales and know your general size.
Also- maybe Jjill?
OP here and this is a good idea. It’s a challenge to find a large chunk of time to spend alone (I have 3 very young children) but this may be the way.
Any chance you have a sister nearby who loves your kids? She might volunteer to go on a shopping trip with you and the kids and help keep them occupied while you try things on.
You want:
Size 00, petite clothing that fits without needing to be tailored.
Natural fibers
Machine washable
Specific summer-friendly colors
No endless cycle of order/return
No shopping in person (because, kids).
Something has to give! You’ll probably have to ease up on one or two of those parameters, or perhaps pay a stylist to do this for you.
I have a female boss who loves clothing/makeup/shopping and at least one night of each of our business trips to major cities is spent shopping in person. It is MUCH more fun to do this with someone else in tow!
I’d suggest checking out Jean of Extra Petite (@jeanwang on Insta) – been around forever, late 30s now and although she no longer has a desk job, she still tries on pieces that are suitable for most offices.
Extra Petite is the right answer.
Natural fibers are washable, but I’ve had lined wool items handle washing such that the item shrank a bit but the lining didn’t, so it didn’t hang well after. I now just air out and maybe spritz wool items after wearing and have cleaned professionally very sparingly (and layer underneath with washable items).
Banana Republic had unlined wool pants recently that didn’t itch.
Also: BR has petite items, which may be helpful to you.
So here’s a secret. Basically everything can be machine washed cold and air dried. Currently wearing a 5 year old “dryclean” silk shirt a plucked off my drying rack this morning.
This! I even wash my suits and blazers, although I tend to handwash those then spin the water out on a perma-press cycle before air drying them.
Yup, it’s the heat that causes problems for most clothes. I own things that are labelled “dry clean only” but you know I’m putting them in the washing machine and it’s fine. Never the drier though.
I know what brands work for me, I know my measurements and am ruthless about reading size charts and reviews. I also spend the money to tailor and hate machine washable items – they always look sloppier than dry cleaned clothes, imho.
OP here and how did you find the brands that work for you? I know the brands that don’t work for me, and unfortunately they are the easy-find-brands like J crew.
I’m sure there are brands out there that would be a better fit for me (literally) but I can’t figure out how to uncover them!
It’s worth noting I’m a mid 30s mom of 3 under 5 so my time to go shopping in a mall is limited.
Trial and error, and all online. Order and return. Also I follow influencers who have my body type and try their brands. It’s easier because I’m tall and slim so I have a lot of options.
Malls will have zero pieces that meet your parameters because of your size. You can look to see if you like fabric, style and construction but you will then need to order. I don’t know how to avoid the order/return cycle if stores don’t stock the full size range.
I learned to sew.
Same! Not only does it allow me to tailor things it allows me to select better pieces to begin with. I’m that crazy lady turning garments inside out at the store to look at the seams
How do you fit your own clothes, though? When I asked a friend who sews, her answer was that her mom comes over to pin for her. But most people don’t have a friend or family member with any sort of sewing experience available to pin for them.
I have a mannequin. I paid 25 for her at an estate sale. I’ve adjusted her to match my proportions
My sister who sews a lot made a dress form of herself with duct tape. There are plenty of tutorials online, and it’s honestly pretty easy to do.
Also a mannequin really isn’t necessary, I’m just extra because I’ve been sewing a long time. If you’re mildly competent you can just pin on yourself.
Yes, or just accept that you will have to pay for alterations. Having clothes that fit is really the best fashion “hack” out there. I have to have the sleeves shortened on almost everything I buy, and once I accepted that my fashion life got a lot better.
Given that you have limited time to shop and a hard-to-find size, I might get help from a personal stylist to help you identify the brands and fits that will work for you.
Buy fewer, higher-quality items that will last longer, and invest in the tailoring.
I’m working on it.
I think back to the clothes I like a gravitate towards and buy those silhouettes fabric and colors. I learned what my body really looks like and dressed accordingly. My shoulders are always going to be wider than my hips. This means a knit top and pattered pants or skirt is almost always a good idea. Volume on the bottom is usually better for me. That’s true of full skirts, barrel legs, flares, ect.
I got realistic about what quality actually means. I can’t just throw money at a few super expensive things and expect them to last. It’s a Pinterest board minimalist fantasy to have a ten piece designer wardrobe for a decade. This doesnt work for me in real life. I can lament that and wear expensive shabby stuff or accept it and search for the best quality I can in a price point I might replace next year. I choose the latter. I still maintain a pretty small wardrobe.
I don’t fight trends. I don’t blindly follow them but I also don’t go hunting for items that are no longer in stores because they’re not trending. I’m too old to wear out of date styles. Plus no piece is an island. Those boxy cropped blouses really do work better with the wider pants that are everywhere. Sticking to the older style in one piece just leads to more shopping problems. I’m not to spend a season where block print is everywhere insisting I’ll only like stripes. It’s too much work. We all have dealbreakers but I stay open minded.
I accept that no matter how much I nail my personal style I’ll make mistakes. I’ll buy something I don’t like, I’ll forget a return window, I’ll take a risk and feel dumb in something. I’ll ruin a favorite and have to replace it. It’s ok. It’s part of the process. I just keep trying.
+1 to being open to trends. I’m shorter and the wide leg poplin pants and cropped tops actually look really cute and modern on me! I’m also tucking in my close fitting tops again for the first time in years (I despise a half tuck) and it looks so intentional and cute.
+1, this is how I feel and I also have very wide shoulders and no hips :)
First, you need to find a good tailer. It sucks, but as a 5’3 person who is oddly porportioned, it’s key to making my clothing look good. I build the cost of tailoring into my work budget.
Second – I use what I call ‘garanimals for adults’ – all my bottoms are grey, blue, deep tan, or denim. I have 1-2 black pieces for winter but as a bright winter I don’t look great in black. My tops are then in deep colors/rich neutrals/jewel tones – magenta, pink, purples, greens, camels, deep grey. All coats are in either a jewel tone for pop, or a neutral (tan, navy). Ditto with shoes. Dresses are either in a bottom color (navy/grey) with texture, OR a top color for a bit of pop.
Everything in my closet swaps easily, and I can pretty quickly figure out if it’s worth buying something on super sale by using the colors/rules above.
Third – if it’s in my closet, it is ready to go. Clean, ironed, tailored, etc. Stuff that is ‘meh’ gets donated or sold.
Fourth – know your brands. I ONLY buy on sale from brands I know well. I do not buy anything from a new brand unless I can return it easily or I have tried it on IRL. Varley was tempting as hell but only a few pieces fit me in store, so I’ve stopped lusting after the other stuff. Farm Rio swamps my small frame, Vuori is great for shorties, wears like iron, and I stalk it on sale. Boden is great online but their torso sizing simply doesn’t work for me. I spent a half day in London at The Fold and tried on half the store so I know what fits me/what doesn’t and accept that everything they make will be 3-4 inches too long on me but is gorgeous.
I’m a 5’1” 00. With added bonus of busty on top and narrow hips (so sometimes 0 on top, 00 on bottom). If you figure this out, please share. I follow Pumps and Push Ups and know that I need a size smaller than she wears in bottoms. Used to follow ExtraPetite but found some of her fav brands did NOT work for me (e.g., Sezane, WHBM). Know your inseam and your other measurements. Aritzia might work for you (doesn’t on my body type). Anthropologie has a few petites, although it’s fewer work appropriate items. Quince has a few petite friendly items – I like the cashmere sweater T for the office. Ann Taylor is my best bet for blazers. Loved BR petite pants 15 years ago, can still occasionally find acceptable ones there now. Natalia pant at J Crew is a workhorse, although it’s polyester.
If you shop on line then of course you will have to return nearly everything. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find a store that carries small sizes, much less petites, where you can shop in person with a decent selection.
I shop in person two to three times a year for things that I’m adding to my wardrobe. Take a morning or afternoon off. Make a lunch reservation by yourself and take time to go shopping. Set a total budget for the day, but not a per item budget – and be ok if you just buy one thing that makes you happy. I also don’t have set items that I am trying to buy – maybe a concept of I could use a few more summer items. Give yourself permission to buy stuff on full price if you know you will wear it a ton in the next two months before it goes on sale.
https://kiltecollection.com/
Stores already decided it was less wasteful to have you order online and return stuff than it is to carry your size in store.
At this point in my life, I am extremely picky about fabric, fiber, cut, and construction. You have to shop in person, there is truly no other way.
I’m going to be away today but is it something that’s been nagging me for a few days so I thought I would post it first thing anyway. How do you make the decision on whether to start a GLP-1 when you’re just barely into the obese BMI category? I’m only 6 lbs away from being just “overweight” category but probably 30 lbs minimum away from the weight where I truly feel great. I’m 50-60 lbs away from my all-time adult low that I’m fine never seeing again. I had preeclampsia in my last pregnancy and the doctors have warned me about greater cardiac risks, but all my numbers are perfect except for one cholesterol count that’s just barely above the threshold. The MFM in particular wants me to lose weight. I have never, ever been successful at losing weight without falling into disordered patterns and even then it didn’t work. I’m pretty sure that I could get back to high end of overweight BMI without the medication and stay there for life, but as I said, it’s the very highest end. I’m currently active and able to do just about everything that I want to do but I do notice that it’s harder than when I was slimmer. What would you do? Would you think it’s worth the price (not covered by insurance even while obese)?
I would 100% go on the GLP, no hesitation.
Agree. I did it because I wanted to. Life changing.
I was in a similar situation and just went for the GLP-1. I have lost weight, but am on a low dose so it’s been gradual. I feel more myself though. I pay out of pocket through Hers and it’s not cheap, but I think feeling more “me” is worth it.
I’d think of it in terms of “How does the self pay price compare to what you’re currently spending money on/ what tradeoffs would you make to afford it?”
Unfortunately there’s a longterm cardiac risk to just carrying the extra weight that isn’t reflected in your numbers now. Did the MFM discuss different weight loss interventions and their pros and cons with you, or did they just tell you to go lose weight?
No, she didn’t. Just wanted me to lose the baby weight by one year PP, which didn’t happen – I didn’t gain much, lost it all right away, and then gained every pound back breastfeeding.
This seems pretty normal (breastfeeding requires a lot of calories!). Did she have you stay on your prenatal so that you weren’t having to eat a lot just to hit RDAs? (I’ve definitely had trouble losing weight because cutting calories was leading to inadequate intakes before.)
I’m not sure how long it’s been since you stopped breastfeeding, but I’d want at least one more conversation with a relevant doctor about the odds that GLP1 will even work and pros and cons vs. other meds. There are people doing non-standard dosing because they feel the standard dose is overkill, but I’m not sure how much is known about that except by the doctors overseeing it.
Acknowledging that OP’s circumstances may be such that I’m off-base, I think I’d also want to talk to a non-MFM doctor about this. That doctor might be my GP (if I thought they had a good handle on weight issues, options for losing and pros and cons thereof, etc.), it might be a weight loss specialist of some kind, but I generally don’t think I’d be looking to my MFM for weight or other advice outside of/unrelated to pregnancy.
OP, if all of this is related to discussions about future pregnancies or something with the MFM, please disregard; I was just struck that my experiences with MFMs have all been very pregnancy-specific, while this issue seems to not be so (and that the MFM didn’t counsel on other options, which sounds like something you’d want).
Also, when I was sent to a dietitian, I was annoyed because I thought I knew everything they knew already. But she had some advice about meal timing, and keeping meal times and macros consistent from day to day, that I hadn’t already thought of. Maybe that’s all standard now though! The dietitian also helped show me that my weight management diet just wasn’t adequate, so I was going to have to supplement or switch to much more nutrient dense foods or else my body would fight to get those micronutrients. So while it wasn’t the full solution it was still a step forward from where I’d been!
I went on one when I was overweight but not obese. I feel like a million bucks. I wasn’t inactive or uneducated. I didn’t eat poorly. I was just literally feeling overwhelming hunger every time I was in a calorie deficit. Is there a chance they find out these drugs are terrible for you? Sure. Are people hoping I suffer some horrible consequences for daring to take them when they didn’t think I deserved to? Definitely.
I’ve spent the last 20 years trying to achieve this weight and now that I’ve done it it’s better than I imagined. I’m going to a family wedding and I’m sure no one will be calling me heavy behind my back. The might call me lazy, stupid or vain for taking these drugs but that doesn’t hurt nearly as much so I don’t care. My husband is finally attracted to me again. I went swimming on a hot day with the kids. I’m running and training for a half marathon without worrying about gaining weight by properly fueling. My face is prettier without the jowls. I’m wearing clothes I love. All this is to say don’t let money or fear stop you. You have no idea how great life gets when you’re not constantly worried about food. My mind is free to focus on actually moving my life forward. I have no idea why I let other people discourage me for months when I could have lived like this.
Dang, that’s a good endorsement. I had no trouble staying within the BMI chart until I hit age 40-41. Then the weight came on seemingly overnight, despite always eating well, exercising, etc. Now it is so, so hard to lose weight. When I’ve tried, I have gotten very mid results while feeling disordered and hungry all the time. What stops me is not wanting to be on medications for life. Also, I am super squeamish and I’m not sure I can give myself a shot!
You feel so good on these drugs you will stop caring about being on them for life. That was my hesitation and I laugh at that thought now.
There are oral meds now too!
I’m the poster above and I did go off them for a bit. Guess what happened? I gained weight. I got distracted by food. But I wasn’t in a worse position than before I started them. Honestly at this point I have zero desire to be off of them. If they somehow become unavailable I’m going to seek out some kind of appetite suppressive medication. I never want to go back to obsessively thinking about food.
OP here but that’s the thing – I’m not obsessed with food or unable to chase my kid. I don’t struggle with those things. It’s just this weight that might be causing secret issues.
You have never successfully lost weight without disordered eating patterns. How is it that you don’t struggle? You don’t have to choose between staying overweight and struggling anymore.
That doesn’t mean it’s not a health or vanity issue or that you shouldn’t do something about it. I am both vain and don’t want health issues and it’s a no brainer for me to take it.
I take it and started in the barely overweight category. I’m almost back to where I was in high school. I like being thin. You don’t have to be obese to take them and there are so many benefits to doing so it’s silly to make that a gate. Best thing I e ever done. Just buy them online – it’s about $300/mo with the subscriptions and drug costs and worth every cent.
In your case I cannot imagine not taking them.
Is there any concern about fatty liver or metabolic syndrome? When it comes to metabolic tests, sometimes “all numbers are perfect” just means perfect A1C, fasting glucose, and liver enzymes. But A1C and fasting glucose can be perfect even when a glucose tolerance test is not. Fibroscan can show fatty liver even when liver enzymes look great. Insurance doesn’t always cover more extensive testing, and I think the assumption is that if someone struggles with weight, the odds are there’s a problem. But further testing is an option if it would help inform a decision about a long term cash pay med.
No, all clear on that front fortunately! My husband has fatty liver and is on Zepbound so this was on our radar.
IDK but I am annoyed AF at Serena Williams telling me to go on a GLP1. I wish the advertisers would think of the message they are sending and the messenger. I love tennis and think the world of Serena, but to me, she is the picture of health, a prime illustration of the real risk women face when giving birth, etc. Unless she is seriously pre-diabetic, IDK why someone with her profile would consider a drug like this. If she is on this lifetime med, then shouldn’t all of us be?
Yes, we probably all should be. I love that she’s normalized it.
Actually there is no evidence, at least not yet, that any of the benefits accrue to people who did not start out overweight or with metabolic disorders. It is quite possible that all of the other benefits flow from the weight loss and the metabolic improvements.
I think “all” just meant most of us. Most Americans at least are either overweight, or have a metabolic disorder, or both.
Metformin might be closer to an “all of us” med if it turns out that it treats harmful effects of aging.
Well there’s no evidence it hurts anyone either and reducing inflammation regardless of your size is a great benefit.
I am a 2026 size 10, but could be smaller and pre-perimenopause, I was a 4-6 for decades. I don’t have any diabetes in my family. I feel like I just don’t want to throw a lifetime med on my plate, especially since I’ve read that if you go off and then try to go on, it won’t really work. At some point in the future, I might really need it, so I don’t want to blow it by just trying to get beach-ready now (plus, I know that I’d need to start a heavy exercise regimen to make sure I keep strong bones and good agility and balance as I age, so that may solve my vanity issues).
There are plenty of harmful side effects. Loss of muscle tissue, dental issues, pancreatitis …
There is not even any evidence that the drugs reduce inflammation in people of normal weight without metabolic disorders.
Probably all of you have weight you could lose and be healthier. It’s a choice to go on the drugs or not. Choose not to, fine but don’t pretend they’re harmful or problematic.
I just cannot understand why you are so invested in getting everyone on a GLP1. My best guess is that you are still deeply insecure about your choice to take it.
Serena Williams was seriously pre-diabetic. Happy now?
Not a doctor, but how does someone who is a pro athlete and younger than me have pre-diabetes? I would get her having T1D but just don’t see how this looks like T2D, even pre-diabetes. Can T2 be genetic? Because it seems to be beaten into us that it’s all lifestyle (bad eating over decades) and she is so young and an athlete.
Yes, T2 diabetes is partially genetic.
She always looked overweight to me.
I am sorry that she is going through this. I wasn’t unaware of the diabetes aspect of this and am really concerned that the overly-thin aesthetic of the 80s is coming back.
Girl, she has never looked overweight! She looks like she could serve straight through me. And if she were “heavy” for her height, it seems that that would be due to muscle being heavy. I don’t see the jiggling that happens on the rest of us (at any weight).
If she can’t beat being pre-diabetic, can any of us? I had thought, casually, that this was caused by lifestyle and the risk could be fixed with lifestyle fixes. And this is actually very sobering to read. There is no doctor in juris doctor.
I think that’s just an outdated understanding. Modern tests can show the first signs of prediabetes when someone is still thin and energetic. The blood sugar swings and worsening insulin sensitivity over time cause weight gain and fatigue. So for a lot of people, the medical condition caused the lifestyle, rather than the lifestyle causing the condition. A lot of the risk factors are genetic and environmental .
We can change our diet and habits to help manage the condition, but the diet that successfully controls blood sugar for someone isn’t always a generally healthy diet; therapeutic diets can come with issues of their own. So medicating can be healthier.
I personally was under the recommended BMI when diagnosed.
She definitely was pre-diabetic, and Black women are treated SO poorly by the US medical system. Makes total sense to me that she’d want to take a GLP as a protective/preventive measure.
Also a good reminder that we don’t know how healthy someone might be just by looking at them.
Is there a good general background read about how especially maternal medicine fails black women, designed for someone dipping a toe into public health (or the population that gets no OB care due to budget and access vs the largely white freebirthing crowd)? I am on the finance side at my new org but very curious about care gaps in my city and why things are and what needles we can realistically move with our budget and resources.
This isn’t a general background read, but the Racial Equity Institute has done some interesting work on closing care gaps.
i went on one at the lowest dose, also not covered by insurance. i wanted to lose 20-30lbs. the first month i took a shot every week and by the end of the 4 weeks i felt terrible. yes, i’d lost 10lbs, but i couldn’t eat, the thought of food made me nauseous, i had no energy and i was like i dont care how much weight i lose i cant handle these meds. so then i stopped taking it for like 5 weeks and continued to lose weight, though my appetite came back. since then, i have done one shot every 2-3 weeks. i would like to try one shot per month, which i will start when i get back from my next trip. i am paying for it out of pocket, but since i am basically microdosing, it doesn’t feel that crazy expensive. you say your MFM wants you to lose weight – is this before trying another pregnancy? just make sure you find someone who is educated on how long you should be off the meds before trying again.
I started a microdose of one this past week and for the first time in my life my body said nah to finishing my lunch. My mind is blown.
I was you. I tried for years to lose the weight but I could not do it. Something just broke in my brain/gut after hormonal fluctuations post-hysterectomy and I gained 30 pounds in a couple of years. I was always very active, worked out 5-6 days a week, ate tons of vegetables. But I was ravenous and felt a primal urge to eat all the time. I had never felt this way until my early 40s. I tried and tried to lose it on my own because I had always maintained a healthy weight before.
Finally, after lots of thought, I decided to try a GLP-1. I take something for my depression and I use HRT for my hormones, and in both cases my biggest regret is waiting so long to take them. So I decided to see what would happen. I am on the lowest possible dose and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. I still enjoy food, but I am satisfied with much less, the urge to overeat is gone, and I can move on with my life. I have already started to fit into my older clothes. I feel so much more confident and healthy. It is truly life-changing. Try it! Worst case scenario, you don’t like it and you can stop.
I’m gonna be that person, but the “evidence” that being overweight is bad for you is basically all garbage because it cannot be separated out from the societal impact of being overweight. (e.g. we know that overweight people get worse medical care, and how do you know how much of the “worse health” is because of the fat and how much is because doctors aren’t giving people the right dose of medicine or surgeries or refused or put off until the patient loses weight? In one world the solution is to improve doctor care, in the other the solution is to lose weight, but we really do not know how much of an impact each one has.) Many doctors are unwilling to admit this, or they’re unwilling to bring it up unless you do because weight is such an emotional topic for so many people, but this is true. Weight is just really really tricky to study! Go on the GLP-1 if you want to and you can afford it, but another option is to just get another doctor that’s cool with overweight people.
This is overstated. It’s true that humans are better at carrying excess weight than a lot of mammals, but we know for sure that excess weight carries risks that don’t stem from discriminatory healthcare. If we feel worse when we’re overweight, we’re not just imagining it.
Yeah, but we recognize intuitively there’s a lot of variation within individuals about what counts as “excess weight” and science has up to now no evidence-based way of determining a health weight for an individual, outside of like professional athletes that are collecting insane amounts of data about their health and performance and crunching the numbers all the time. And we also know that losing and gaining weight is worse for you than just staying at the same higher weight the whole time. So if you’re gaining weight and feeling worse, you can definitely do something about it. But maybe the right answer for someone is a different kind of exercise instead of trying to lose weight through dieting or a GLP-1. Exercise is certainly the most evidence-based course of action, compared to either diet or drugs.
I get that some perfectly fine body types are neglected by science, and that BMI is for population health at most and never individual health. But it’s not that big a deal to get a body composition scan and know what’s going on for you individually if you really insist. Adipose tissue is endocrinologically active. Nobody wants a bunch of inflammation from visceral fat they don’t need.
Specific patterns of weight gain can also be a symptom of something that forced, effortful weight loss doesn’t address. Part of how weight discrimination leads to worse health outcomes is when doctors are telling people to just lose weight instead of diagnosing and treating underlying conditions. Making peace with the weight would also not lead to a diagnosis and treatment in that scenario.
IDK that I wholly believe this. OTOH, there is a grain of truth here. But, granted it is a pet, but my dog is overweight. It’s going to limit the joy in his life due to joint issues. It may also shorten his life. I am doing what I can with diet and exercise, but he was a big boy when we got him from the rescue and probably at age 50 as a human equivalent. I think that it can be similar with people — your lungs aren’t larger if you are larger and your knees aren’t stronger.
The increased cancer risk alone is a big deal. You can attribute delayed diagnosis or worse outcomes to worse medical care, but not the incidence, right?
Best pants with an extremely high rise? I have a very long torso but regular length legs. I am looking for pants that have an extremely high rise, like 12”. It is very hard to find comfortable and simple pants!
Try Spanx. I would love to wear their pants, but the 12″ rise is too much for me. Have also noticed that LOFT’s rises lately have been extremely high.
Seconded. I’m 5’10 with a long torso and Spanx are a true high rise on me.
Look into tall sizes — the ones where they increase the length of the rise, not just the length of the legs. You can always have the legs hemmed if needed.
I have this and it is lovely and does not wrinkle
I’m always drawn to Boden dresses but I stopped trying them years ago because the waist always hit me in the wrong spot. Do you mind sharing if you’re long or short waisted?
Also interested in hearing how the fit works for you.
My only Boden experience was not great. I purchased my correct US size, and the invoice showed this, but they sent the wrong size (UK 14 instead of US 14). It was final sale and they refused to acknowledge they messed up so I had to dispute the cost via credit card and donate the dress. They have such fun colors, though. I would love to know how they really fit without playing size return games.
I need to buy some art for my walls. I have no idea where to look. It doesn’t need to be high end art, prints are fine. A few years ago I pick up a framed, colorful abstract painting of the NYC skyline at HomeGoods. I get a lot compliments on it, but I haven’t found anything there since then. Honestly, of I’m clueless. Where should I shop for art?
MInted used to offer styling services that were free and pretty good. Regardless, they offer a lot of pre-styled art and often run sales. I’ve learned to bite the bullet and buy the pieces pre-framed, otherwise they literally sit around on my floor for years.
In my experience, a lot of local artists sell prints too. That doesn’t help you if you don’t like their art, but you could try a local art show or gallery that has some appeal to you to see what’s out there. You could also try to figure out if any of your local businesses showcase art (near me, I can think of several coffee shops and at least one dentist all of whose wall art is for sale).
+1 on local artists. I go to my city’s arts festival every year and pick up a cheap print for my gallery wall. It’s fun! And there are all sorts of price points – I’ve got $5 postcards framed, or I could buy a big original oil painting for a couple hundred.
I’d shop as local as you can.
Supporting the arts in your local area is a great way to meet new people and organizations, find cool new to you spots or events, and find unique pieces.
search if there’s an art fair, craft fair, sidewalk sale, or street fair local to you coming up. It’s summer, which is the prime time for local artists, botiques, and crafts people to table these events.
google your city, town or area + galleries, art centers, art schools and see what pops up. look at their sites and social media for when their events and public gallery hours are.
scroll social media for local artists and crafts people.
I posted about a month ago that I was worried that I had some low-level depression going on. I just could not snap out of my funk, no matter what I tried. After talking to my GP, I started a very low dose estrogen patch. After only a 2 weeks, I am ready to declare it a freaking miracle. I feel more myself than I have in at least a year, possibly more. Even my DH has noticed that my mood seems lighter. Still working on getting better quality sleep, but this has helped a bit. And although I know I’m still dealing with some symptoms of burnout, I feel much more equipped to deal with them.
Better living through chemistry. If you feel like the wheels have fallen off in your mid-40s, talk to your doctor.
Happy for you! I had a similar situation. I felt like I was completely falling apart, like I’d aged 30 years in one… and then I started HRT and I just felt like my old self. It was incredible. Glad you are feeling better!
For the lawyers here, have you gone to any great in-person CLEs recently that are of the fun-place-to-visit-for-a-weekend variety? Even if done as part of some industry conference, that is fine. It can be wholly unrelated to what I do, but thanks to having a NJ admission I need to keep up, it just has to be live with people in the room. I feel that when I started practicing, commercial providers and some law schools ran things for lawyers that were “Day in Savannah while we discuss updates in trusts and estates law at breakfast and over a long lunch with drinks, with lots of touring in between.” Do these things still exist?
I’m a junior lit associate in BigLaw and will have my first stand up experience in a pro bono case on Friday. Any tips from more experienced ‘rettes?
This is such a silly one, but wear pants! I wore a skirt the first time I argued in court as a junior associate, and while I argued well and you wouldn’t have heard that it was my first time in my voice, my knees shook and I couldn’t stop it.
Less is more. Lots of young litigators (myself included) tend to over explain and focus on articulating everything *just right,* as if outlining the brief to the judge. Your points are more forceful and easier to follow when you are concise. Focus on what you need to prove to win (versus what isn’t really in dispute) and what questions the judge may have. Good luck!
Speak more slowly than you think you need to. People always speak too quickly when they are nervous.
If you have a little bit of free time tomorrow (or before your appearance if you aren’t the first one of the day), go watch some hearings. You will either a) see good lawyering that might give you some ideas or b) be reminded there are a lot of bad (or just ill-prepared) lawyers out there and you can do better than that.
Do you have any jewelry that will give you a power up? Every time I argued, I always wore the earrings my grandma gave to me for law school graduation or the cross she gave me for first communion on a thin gold chain. It sounds silly, but it worked to calm my nerves.
My birthday is tomorrow. My husband has not yet asked if there’s anything I would like to do for my birthday or mentioned it at all. I assume he remembers it, and will probably have presents and decorations for me tomorrow morning, and if he had asked, I would probably just have picked a local restaurant that we can go to on short notice anyway. But! Part of my enjoyment is the feeling of anticipation of something fun to look forward to and when he doesn’t even ask what I’d like to do it feels like I’m an afterthought. Is there a good time to say this? If I do it tonight, it sours the celebration tomorrow, and if I do it after today it feels like I’m ungrateful for anything he does do.
And please be gentle – he is historically bad at birthdays but this is the first year he’s flat out said nothing.
I am very into my birthday and a big believer that as such, I need to make my thoughts and expectations explicit for my husband. In your shoes, I’d say something today while there’s time for him to course correct if necessary.
My wonderful husband is terrible at gifts/planning in general. After a few fights/crying I learned that he is never going to magically guess what I want or would like. I now say something like ‘I booked myself a massage at noon, I’m going to go browse a bookstore before then and take a nap after. I’d like to go out to dinner at place A or B, no presents needed but if you’d like ideas here are a few things I’ve been looking at’.
I’d suggest you text/email now something clear and simple – ‘hey, looking forward to my birthday tomorrow! If you haven’t planned anything I’d love to go to local restaurant – could you make a reservation’? At this point it’s probably too late to change the gifts/decor stuff, but I’d encourage you to grab yourself flowers if that’s something important to you.
You didn’t say if you have kids, but around age 8 I started talking with my kids about birthdays and holidays – how they take planning, someone has to do the things (cake, decorations, party, presents) and having them help out. I also had them shop for presents so that they both (boy and girl) got into the habit of it.
Agree. It’s a kindness to just give him the “what’s the plan for my birthday tomorrow” question. I’ve forgotten birthdays of people I dearly love. They obviously forgave me, but if it’s a bigger deal to you, say something for everyone’s peace.
Say it ASAP. Sooner is better than later, and saying a hard thing doesn’t get easier with time. (Ask me how I know.) YMMV, but my and a friend’s relationship benefit from doing this via text do give the other person space to process (my DH is very sensitive).
I don’t do this. I’m happily married for 15 years and just take control of my own birthday. I’m adult who loves her birthday so I’m not willing to wait to see if someone remembers it. My husband loves me. He’s going to remember to order the kids school supplies, take out the recycling, and ask about my mom’s doctor’s appointment. He’s never, ever going to plan a romantic dinner or buy an expensive present unless I tell him exactly what I want.
So I do. “Baby, tomorrow is my birthday. Can you make a reservation at Georgio’s for after work? If you were thinking of a present I had my eye on some earrings from that shop on Main Street.”
If your husband is kind he’ll do this. If he loves you and he has come up with something already he’ll explain that kindly. If he grumbles or complains and least take yourself out for a special breakfast lunch or spa day and enjoy your birthday. Whatever you do don’t let him make it about him and whatever he did or didn’t plan. That’s ridiculous. Happy birthday!
“That shop on Main Street” made me think of bygone days when in my part of the world even pokey small towns sported at least one gentlemen’s and one ladies fine clothier. I worked at the ladies one on my town through high school. For customers who wished to do so we kept detailed lists of the clothing and accessories currently in stock that they had tried on and liked, and husbands, friends and family showed up on special occasions to buy from the list. I thought it was nice because she got something she liked and wanted that fit, and gift givers had a stress free shopping experience. Also we did super nice wrapping! Some aspects of “the good old days” actually were good.
I love (and miss) this!
There actually is a jeweler on Main Street in my town with earrings I’m thinking about. The toys store all do wrapping. I love it. But half the people I grew up with moved away for the land of strip malls and two story living rooms and then complain they have no village, so it’s not really for everyone.
Say something now. Even if it’s just a “I’m excited about my birthday tomorrow – are we celebrating on the day of, or are you planning for the weekend?”
And in the future, don’t treat something important to you as a mind game. Speak up, tell him what you want. If you want a surprise celebration but also want timely reassurance that he hasn’t forgotten, tell him that. If you want a Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle, tell him that specifically. Don’t make him guess and then be disappointed that he didn’t read your mind.
Please consider utilizing a feedback wheel when you do speak to him. It comes from the work of relational life therapy.
It is all 1st person (you). I have added a scenario based upon your post
begin with…..I love you, is this a good time?
1) xyz happened (just the facts) ie: no inquiry was made about my birthday
2) the story I told myself was…..(just the facts) ie: I am not important to you
3) when I tell myself that story I feel…. ie: sad and angry
4) state your request..ie; I would like you to ask ahead of time what I want or would like to do for my birthday
This has been a game changer in my relationships. I write it out for myself to gain clarity, then do the conversation.
What? In the future, she can just go ahead and solve the whole problem herself in one simple step by voluntarily offering up her suggestions at an opportune time or even venturing to ask “what should we do to celebrate my birthday this year?”.
Surely there are other facts that show she is important to him?
My reaction to this is “stop telling yourself stories that upset you.”
This gives me the extreme ICK.
This sounds so much like the victim-blaming framework the fundamentalist church I grew up in foisted on all of us girls to learn.
There is some merit to the idea of recognizing when your feelings have been influenced by wrong assumptions. However, it’s really okay to keep this as your internal dialogue. Turning your spouse into your self-therapy witness isn’t a great long term relationship plan.
This is not a victim-blaming framework, what in the world? You are obviously unfamiliar with the framework described here, which is extremely standard in therapy. It’s simply a technique to identify and describe why something that someone did was hurtful (even if or especially if it seems like the thing they did was “not a big deal”) and share with that person why it was upsetting and how it can be avoided in the future. This isn’t turning your spouse into a self-therapy witness. It’s literally just a technique to explain your feelings. If you can’t explain your feelings to your spouse, then I feel sorry for you.
This is how I’d end up in a big fight instead of at a lovely birthday dinner.
I’m sorry. I hope tomorrow is a great day for you, and happy early birthday!
As for timing, I’d wait several days/a week after this birthday and say something like, “Thank you so much for X for my birthday. I had a great time. Next year, would you mind talking to me about birthday stuff in advance? The anticipation is fun for me, and I’d love to have a few days to look forward to it.”
Hopefully he pleasantly surprises you. Maybe he found the perfect thing or picked up on something you mentioned without you noticing. Wouldn’t that be great?
Or are you actually doubting he’ll come through?
Can you try telling him (and yourself)“I’m looking forward to celebrating my birthday with you tomorrow.” Or “Can we go to X restaurant for my birthday or do you have something else planned?”
Yes and that time
Was like a week ago
I read something once about how you should treat yourself like you want your partner to treat you, and that really helped me with this kind of thing. I am an adult who loves making a fuss out my birthday, but when I started taking responsibility myself for making the day special instead of treating it like a test for how much my partner cares, it took pressure off and I ended up much happier.
And for gifts, when you think of the perfect thing that’s like “if he was REALLY attuned to me he’d know to get this,” just tell him. A few weeks ahead of my birthday this year I said to my bf, “hey, if you were looking for a birthday present for me, I’d love if you made a frame for that giant art print in my living room.” And guess what, I got the meaningful handmade gift of my dreams (lol).
what’s normal in my family is for the birthday person to tell others what they want to do. That way no one has to be a mind-reader and the birthday person gets exactly what they want (within household budget reality of course).
I don’t think you have time to fix it this year. You wanted the anticipation, but your birthday is tomorrow so you aren’t going to get it. As you say, telling him now doesn’t help, and telling him after doesn’t really help either. I would set a calendar reminder for yourself in early June next year to explain to your husband that you want the anticipation, so he still has plenty of time to meet that specific need.
Posting here because I can’t post about it anywhere else: I just found out I am getting a raise and will now be making 6 figures! Barely lol but still, it’s exciting.
Congratulations!!!
One of those should-I-stay-or-should-I-go questions. I am 39 and work as in-house counsel for a company in a flyover state with a small population. I have worked for this company for five-and-a-half years in-house, plus I did a huge amount of work for it in my previous firm job.
Realistically, the company has about two years left of life. This is because our industry overall has cratered. Thanks in part to my planning, the company itself is very well positioned to ride gracefully into the sunset, rather than abruptly close. We have no debt and own a lot of property free and clear, but we have closed half of our stores in the last two years.
These changes mean my job has slowed to a standstill. When the company was expanding and the industry was thriving, I had a lot to do and felt that my contributions really made a difference. Now I have very little to do. I feel guilty for not doing enough work. I worry that my skills and brain will stagnate. I am bored. I have taken on other people’s tasks as they leave the company and are not replaced, but I still feel itchy, antsy, and guilty. I can spend a whole day with nothing substantive to do.
Because the company has good reserves, sellable property, and a potential tax refund coming down, there is the possibility that I might get a nice exit bonus when we decide the industry has become too unmanageable. Also, I already earn a healthy salary for my area (my salary is laughable compared to salaries in U.S. coastal areas, but it is healthy for my state and my modest lifestyle). I would not magically earn a much higher salary if I left the company now and went back to a conventional lawyer job.
It seems crazy to think of leaving the company now, but my inner ambition keeps nagging at me, “You should be working more. You should be doing more important things. You should not stay at a declining company.” Then my inner practical voice retorts, “You get to work from home, make your own schedule, and indulge your many hobbies. You might get a payout when the company finally closes.”
I worked tremendously hard to build this company, and I know its slowdown is not my fault–government regulatory choices have hammered the entire industry. I have helped ensure that we can bow out with dignity, with grace, and without debt. Shouldn’t I let myself coast for a while? The whole notion of coasting is just so antithetical to my personality.
I think, yes, coast. But my one question is, what’s next? If you anticipate a smooth transition to something else, retirement, or are fine with a long runway to another job (knowing you might not get a payout) … you’re golden. Perhaps challenge yourself to make the most of your time — meaning enjoy it! Maybe making another post asking what to do during your downtime at work while you wait this out could be helpful. Reading from Project Gutenberg books has been a suggestion in the past if you want to look busy ostensibly working but entertaining yourself.
If you want to keep working after the company goes under, it seems that the time to start trying to get out is now.
Stay and coast while at the same time, dedicate that antsy energy towards looking for your next role.
I’d get out now. Exit packages are never life changing amounts of money. Look now while you have time and aren’t desperate but you have a good story to tell about when you’re looking. Then take 6-8 weeks between gigs if you can.
Any tips for on-camera hairstyles? I prefer having my hair up, which looks fine in-person, but is very VERY not flattering with a Zoom background. I have fine hair shoulder-length hair, and a large forehead so my hairline is pretty far back (bangs would be the ideal solution, but I just can’t stand them).
Have you tried your hair up but with a different camera location?
My laptop camera makes me look like a potato no matter what I do. Same me, same day, same outfit, same hair, same office but using my higher, external monitor-top camera? I look like a totally different person. The higher angle is much more flattering to me.