Thursday’s Workwear Report: Sueded Midi Skirt
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This suede midi skirt from J.Crew factory is a stunner. How pretty is this “chocolate berry” color for autumn? I'm grabbing this one to wear with a cozy turtleneck for a business casual day in October, and Thanksgiving in November.
The skirt is $54.50 at J.Crew Factory and comes in sizes 0-24 and 0P-12P. It also comes in walnut.
Sales of note for 10/2:
- Amazon Prime Day Sales! – Check out our full roundup here. There are a lot of weird but good discounts on nice brands like Theory, Jenni Kayne, White & Warren, and more.
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your full price purchase, plus deal of the day: 10/2: 40% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew – 3100+ items in sale
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off all sweaters and pants
- M.M.LaFleur – Lots of blues and reds in the sale section. (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Nordstrom Rack – Extra 40% off select clearance
- Old Navy – The Old Navy x Altuzarra collab is in! All sizes (up to 4X!) of the blazer in the collab is still available, and it is eligible for today's Super Cash offer
- Talbots – 40% off one item, 30% off everything else
- Theory – End of season sale is on!
I’m preparing for the possibility of layoffs at my company before end of year. I work in a field where the job application process often involves a portfolio or presentation of case studies. In the event of a layoff, my company would immediately disable computer logins so I wouldn’t be able to access project files.
Given the portfolio requirement, is there any way to move files from my work computer to my personal computer without getting caught? Both computers are Macs if it makes a difference. The best option I can think of is to use my personal phone to photograph the screen of my work computer.
I understand the need to anonymize and redact any portfolios or decks shared as part of a job application. I don’t plan to copy anything directly. I really just want a way to easily refer back to my projects while creating the portfolio.
Real answer – how sensitive is the data actually, and is your IT dept *actually* looking?
There is a big gap between corporate setups where eg. IT could go and check your email and prove you forwarded stuff to a personal email, and the number of companies where IT is actually proactively monitoring that
The information isn’t actually sensitive. I don’t know if IT is looking, but I don’t want to risk being fired over it.
Given this “I don’t plan to copy anything directly. I really just want a way to easily refer back to my projects while creating the portfolio.” can you just make the portfolio right now in the evenings after work, with your personal laptop open right next to your work laptop?
I mean, I’ve emailed my stuff from my work computer to my personal email and have never gotten in trouble for it. I think that’s the kind of thing most IT departments technically can see, but I can’t imagine anyone is watching that closely. If I were you and someone said something I’d just feign ignorance and say that you wanted to review something on your home computer or something like that.
Or can you save files onto a flashdrive? I often do that if I’m giving a speech and want the slide deck as a back up or if I’m going to a meeting where wifi might not be accessible. No one has ever asked any questions about that.
This. Get an external drive if you have to.
Not the OP but we can’t do this at my law firm, for exactly this reason.
Also many companies ban usb drives because they are harbors of viruses.
I would get caught doing both of the above things at my company, no question. Can you print copies and take them home for reference? I know you want digital, but there is no way with our security I could do this so my only suggestion is the 1987 way.
My IT would definitely catch an email attachment but I’ve been able to copy and paste things into a personal Google Drive. It will be tricky for slide decks but pasting screen shots into a Google doc might work.
Google isn’t consistent with a need to anonymize and redact though.
OP could always scan the copies
The only sure-fire way is to print what you need then scan it to your personal computer. I know the rescanned quality won’t be perfect but I’d understand, as a hiring manager.
I worked at a company that threatened that they cared about this stuff, famously didn’t care for a long time, then seemingly in the dark of night started monitoring all of this stuff. I dont think the risk is worth it. Some people got in a lot of trouble, even fired, and definitely sued, for doing this before leaving.
This is the way. I’m in marketing and have done projects on the brand side that were fine to use as PDFs as they were public. Things I did working for an agency where they had to have client redacted, I printed and then took the anonymous portions I needed and posted on a WordPress site I created for my portfolio. Controllled the protected part but still let me showcase the part I needed. Was super easy to build and host the site and has proved useful through the years as I can pivot and update easily.
I think this is a know your company kind of thing. If you work at Apple, the paranoia is absolutely justified for example. The best solutions are printing and scanning the copies to your personal computer or an external drive. If they’re monitoring web traffic then they can monitor google. Otherwise a Google Drive is another solution. I’d look at some redundancy as well.
Print them and keep hard copies at home. They’ll be able to see that you printed stuff but that’s not usually a red flag.
And start now so you can do a few here and there randomly as you might do in the normal course of business.
I’d get permission from your boss. I’ve worked with my employees over the years to get them samples that don’t compromise our IP. I wouldn’t mess with this.
lol to this.
I’m a litigator in a law firm. I routinely use prior drafts of papers I’ve filed publicly when drafting briefs etc. in subsequent cases. Even though those documents are PUBLIC, my employer’s policies – which are the same as all of the law firms I’ve worked with over the years – prohibit me from taking them with me when I leave. I was once told, with a smile, if your new employer wants them then they can buy them (pulling docs from the docket costs money).
These policies are not about protecting the client or privacy or IP. Employers want to own their employees and everything their employees have ever done. They will make it as difficult as possible for employees to take their work with them — even after a layoff! — because in their mind, nothing belongs to the employee.
Wow, love a lawyer recommending unlawful behavior.
How is it unlawful to draw on public documents as sources?
There is nothing unlawful about referencing publicly available documents.
She’s lol’ing at the suggestion of getting permission and saying that companies don’t own their IP. Thought this was a board of lawyers.
Just email it to yourself from your personal email to your personal email.
how often do you repeat outfits? like i don’t mean black pants or a hot pink suit… the things in between (a blue pin stripe shirt, a camel blazer) I have a new role where i’m in a lot of meeting so people see me. i am in the office mostly 4 days.
Depends. Some, once per week, some once per month. It depends, but it doesn’t bother me to repeat often.
I don’t worry about repeating if it’s in the next week. I probably could put together 2 weeks worth of outfits so not everything gets worn every week, but some stuff does
Same.
I once spent a summer repeating the same five outfits on the same days of the week just to see if anyone noticed. If anyone did spot the pattern, none of them cared enough to comment or aske why I always wore the pink pants and floral blouse on Monday, navy shirt dress on Tuesday, striped blazer and black trousers on Wednesday, etc.
When repeating, I would be aware of the day of the week in today’s hybrid world, where there are often people one sees only on Wednesdays. I also have recurring meeting on the same day of the week, so I see that crew the same day every week.
That was the point of my whole little experiment. Turned out that in my world, no one noticed that I always showed up to the recurring meeting in the same outfit for three months straight.
I would have noticed – but I wouldn’t care! :)
I also would have noticed, but I wouldn’t have said anything. None of my business what you’re doing!
I probably have ~7ish preferred outfits I rotate between, so, very frequently. Even during periods when I’ve had more clothes, I find that I always reach for a small set of favorites.
I generally wear my items about once a week, or once every two weeks.
Because you referenced being in meetings where people see you, I’m guessing your concern is that you don’t want people judging you for wearing something too often?
I don’t remember what my coworkers wear from day to day — I can picture HOW each person dresses, but I don’t pay much attention to individual outfits. Maaaaybe I remember that they have a camel blazer, but I honestly can’t tell you what they’re wearing when. If I were the kind of person to judge them for wearing it too often, I’d hope they’d openly defy me and start wearing it every day just to make me twitch! : )
Every other week sometimes. I have a couple of uniform outfits that repeat regularly. I also have a couple of very memorable outfits I wear probably once a month.
I am in three days a week.
When I was going into the office regularly, probably once a week. But I tend to buy multiples of things I like (I have like 8 of the same J Crew sweater) so all my outfits kind of look the same!
Weekly.
I can’t remember what my co-workers wore yesterday, let alone two days ago. I know some people have excellent visual memories but I think most of us don’t.
Almost weekly?
If I were in your shoes, I would sign up with a concierge primary care practice. They will get you in quickly and should help with coordination of care. If there is none available in Hampton Roads, try Richmond.
The ER and urgent care are not set up to deal with this type of issue, yet for some reason primary care seems more and more likely to refer just about anything they don’t want to bother with to the ER. Primary care is also terrible about sending people to the ER for imaging and testing that should be done on an outpatient basis. It is such a waste of time and money and diverts resources away from true emergencies.
Ugh obviously for the medical question below.
There are some genuine emergencies that this could be though, so the first ER trip made sense, or a second one if the first trip didn’t actually exclude potential emergencies.
neutrals, repeat every 1-2 weeks
printed silk blouses or colorful sweaters, no more than 2x a month
When I worked in an office, I wore the same pieces every 1-2 weeks, but I was able to mix and match. So gray sweater with the blue skirt and blue/black/gray shirt one week, but then gray sweater with black pants and white shirt the next week; pink skirt with pink and black shirt and black sweater one week, then pink skirt with white shirt and gray sweater the next week; dark wash jeans with the shirt/sweater combo in the alternate weeks, etc.
It was almost the capsule wardrobe approach, just with brighter colors. This was when the 30 for 30 challenge was popular, and I barely had enough pieces to make up 30 items to switch around.
Weekly or every other week for more stand-out items
I could use help navigating our medical system. Without getting into the details, I have been having some strange symptoms like tachycardia, roof of mouth/face pressure, and extreme nausea. It doesn’t sound serious but it has become debilitating. I have lost 10 percent of my weight in a month and it’s plummeting as I can’t get in enough calories. I went from being a full time professional to struggling to get out of bed. I’ve been to the ER multiple times and they hydrate me and send me home. My PCP moved away during all of this and I can’t get a new one until June. I went to urgent care last week and they told me to go back to the ER. I seem to be stuck in an endless loop and rapidly declining. What would you do if this was you or a family member?
Why can’t you get a new one until June? You need blood work. I guess in the short term up your electrolytes.
That’s the wait for a PCP in my area. I called multiple small groups and the larger hospital affiliated groups and most that are taking new patients are scheduling out 1 year plus. The urgent care did my electrolytes and said they were okay.
Electrolytes don’t hurt though, they also help with nausea
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Have you looked at your medical chart to make sure that you are being taken seriously? (If the ER possibly charted suspicions about eating disorder, malingering/factitious disorder, or “anxiety” it may be impeding appropriate care going forward, and it may be a sign you want to try a different hospital next time.)
I don’t know why you can’t get a new PCP until June, or what testing was already done. For example if a lot of cardiac testing was already done, but not thorough GI testing, can you schedule directly with a gastroenterologist, and just call around until you find one with an opening? The answer may depend on what type of insurance you have, and whether GI practices near you require referrals or not. If you’ve had GI testing but not cardiac testing, I really would try a different ER and emphasize cardiac concerns.
I have had limited cardiac testing but the appt with cardio is not until December. I have also called and scheduled appts with various other specialties but they are months out. At the rate I am losing weight I don’t know what that looks like by the time I get to see them. I’m down to 110 pounds and struggle just to walk to the bathroom. I am going to end up loosing my job.
I don’t know if this is a thing where you are, but ask to get on the cancellation lists of all the specialists.
can you go on short term disability or fmla?
How would you do that without getting a diagnosis?
Call every day to see if they have a cancellation.
I hope I don’t get yelled at for suggesting this, but I also would not rule out anxiety and depression. I have had anxiety my whole life and it can cause symptoms that sound like this. It also might not be a bad idea to line up a psychiatrist and/ or therapist just in case for two reasons – one, chronic illness DOES cause a lot of mental health challenges that you want to not add to any physical problems you’re having, and two, it might placate other doctors who are looking at your history that you are being proactive about considering it, not writing it off.
(I’m sure I will get haters for this, but I do think a lot of the Sicktok illness people have good old anxiety and depression, but want it to be something more than that since those are hard to treat.)
Thanks I am still seeing my therapist. I am feeling super depressed about the illness but there is a physical issue going on as well.
Anxiety and depression especially hard to treat when they’re secondary to another undiagnosed condition though. GI symptoms really deserve thorough work up! Celiac can cause psychiatric symptoms and GI symptoms. IBD can cause psychiatric symptoms and GI symptoms. MCAS causes psychiatric symptoms and GI symptoms. Any malabsorption condition can cause psychiatric symptoms secondary to deficiencies in the nutrients needed for mental health. In all of those cases, treatment will go better if the underlying condition is identified.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d have no idea what kind of issue this could be, so I’d focus on getting in with a primary care doc as fast as possible. Some ideas:
-I assume if your former primary care doc was in a group practice, you’ve called and nicely begged to get in with a colleague faster because you’re quite unwell, but if you haven’t, I’d try that. I’d also ask about waitlist options.
-My health insurance offers some navigation services. I have no idea if they’re competent, but I’d call them for help finding a new primary care doc with quicker availability.
-in my area, there’s a big local clinic that tends to have more availability with primary care docs (they always have someone new whose practice isn’t filled yet)
-when in the ER, ask the ER if they have a social worker or care coordinator who might be able to get me a primary care appointment sooner.
-some health insurances offer virtual primary care with primary care docs who may be far away from you, which might be helpful if you’re in an area with a dire shortage of primary care docs.
Two more things, if you have some money.
-a concierge doc or direct primary care would likely get you in faster.
-travel for care
I am trying this route now but the last few I found said no patients or had a FOUR year wait.
I’m a physician and our hospital system has something called transitional care where patients who have had ER visits can follow up with a primary care provider in an outpatient clinic. It’s for exactly this situation when people are stuck in the loop of ER visits or hospital admissions. The clinic will help arrange for a sub specialty follow up if needed and can help establish with a long-term primary care provider. You may want to ask if this is an option in your area. I recommend asking to meet with a social worker if you go to the ER again and they may be able to coordinate this. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you feel better soon.
This. When I went to the ER for heart issues, the hospital gave me a referral to a cardiologist and I was able to be seen in 3 weeks.
This was the hospital referral. When they called to schedule I said I was told this would be urgent and they said it was. In December! That is the state of our healthcare system here.
I’m worried you may be too ill to do the jobs of care coordination and advocacy that the system requires of patients (especially if you need documentation of why you cannot work). Did they not even give you anything for the nausea? There are meal replacement formulas that can help halt weight loss if it’s truly just from low calorie intake, but obviously the nausea needs to be under control.
Is there someone in your life who could accompany you next time you seek care?
My husband has been taking me because I am too unwell to drive. The nausea meds they give me don’t work and the meal replacement drinks make the nausea worse.
Malnourishment is going to cause so many symptoms of its own that it’s going to muddy the waters on your clinical presentation to a diagnostician. If the current treatment protocol is not working you need a new one!
Your husband can be an advocate for you at the hospital, but he would need to know what he’s advocating for. I know this seems absurd, but it falls in the general categories of healthcare is in crisis and nobody does their jobs anymore. ER’s job is not to figure everything out, but to ensure there’s no emergency, so that’s what the focus of their testing will be. If you are concerned about a specific emergency possibility they haven’t tested for, express the concern. If there are diagnostic possibilities that are outside the scope of ER testing, ask them to schedule your outpatient follow up if possible. They don’t want you bouncing back, and your insurance is probably sick of the ER visits too.
If you have no idea what could be wrong or what work up you need, can you consult a telehealth doctor or a direct care doctor?
I will tell you what it took for me. My husband not only drove me, but drove me eight hours out of state for a second opinion that wouldn’t be “whatever the last doctor said” from the local connected hospital systems that just cover for each other. The fresh perspective quickly led to an accurate diagnosis and an effective treatment, so it was very worth it. But that may not be necessary if you haven’t even tried a different hospital yet.
There have been some headlines recently about thiamine deficiency in GLP1 patients dealing with nausea and not eating enough. Make sure the ER knows just how little you’ve been able to keep down if there’s any possibility that you’ve become low on B1 while this is going on.
There are many anti-nausea meds out there, but whether a specific one works can depend on the cause of the nausea, which you still don’t know.
This may seem super-obvious, but – any chance you’re pregnant? Have you taken a pregnancy test?
You need a new pcp asap and doesn’t sound like you can wait until June. I’ve had good luck with ZocDoc in getting appointments right away with new doctors using their online scheduling tool (in a large metro area, so ymmv). Or failing that call all the large primary care practices in your area.
Thanks for the recommendation. I just checked and there are no PCPs on ZocDoc in my area. I am already scheduled with the two major primary care groups here. Healthcare where I live sucks.
Are you able to widen the geographic radius?
I’m in a similar situation and when my husband had a medical issue last year, we had to drive to a larger city 8 hours away for care. Our health insurance has a concierge-service add-on we didn’t even realize was there until we got a letter about it after his hospitalization, and they helped us arrange care in the other city. It turns out he has an ultra-rare blood disorder that is going to require specialty care for the rest of his life, which we’ll have to get twice a year either by going to this other city or via telehealth (with bloodwork done locally). If you’re in a very rural area, you’re going to have to travel to find help; there’s really no other way. I know it’s not easy but I am in a small city and many of my relatives are rural (some in extreme rural areas) and it is what it is
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!
A few things I would try – call your health insurance member support line, and ask for a care coordinator and help getting a PCP pronto. You’ve been to the ER multiple times, their bean counters should be motivated to get you in somewhere.
If you have to go back to the ER, honestly maybe try asking for a social work consult or a patient advocate. You need help establishing primary care pronto.
And 3rd, try a different ER. Sometimes one is just bad.
+1
Agreed that you need bloodwork. Can you try an online doc that would at least send you a requisition?
where do you live? i realize not a PCP, but do you have a Gyn you can get in to see sooner? assuming your doc is a not a jerk, they should do what they can to help you get seen by the right people. sounds to me like maybe some kind of autoimmune disease.
yea or any other kind of doctor you can maybe get in to see sooner? do you have any friends who are doctors or nurses or who work in healthcare in some capacity?
No. Just a cousin who is an oncologist in a different state.
Hampton Roads, Virginia area
Sorry you’re going through this ordeal. Great suggestions here so far.
We’re somewhat familiar with the medical landscape in that area through friends. Consider looking in Richmond. The med school is good and the care in the city is probably better than the care available in NN/ Hampton/ Williamsburg.
Good luck.
Also in this area. There are the three hospital systems – Riverside, Bon Secours and Sentara. In addition to Patient First, there is also Med Express, and others for Urgent Care. When your PCP moved, they should have transferred you to a new provider – the term is “continuity of care”. If you have an idea of bloodwork, Quest and LabCorp both offer a variety of direct access lab options. There are a few Direct Primary Care practices in the area. Does your health plan offer any 3rd party telehealth as a gateway? For med schools, in addition to EVMS in Norfolk, there is also VCU/MCV in Richmond.
Thank you. I did this and they said a PA could see me in two weeks. Two weeks just seems like a lifetime in my current state.
glad you can at least see a PA in 2 weeks. until then, call back every single day to see if there is a cancelation.
Glad you have the PA in 2 weeks. Agree with calling daily to your old practice to find cancellations. Use the terms “rapid unintentional weight loss” which should raise red flags for the triage.
Quest Labs in our area will let you self-order bloodwork as long as you can also self-pay. I don’t know what OP could then do about getting someone to interpret the bloodwork and get her some treatment, but the bloodwork would give her more information and she could maybe find some temporary relief options via research.
Put in for FMLA. Accept that you’ll have to drive to Richmond for care.
I understand the frustration. Glad you made some progress. Two weeks is better than 8 months, but I understand it feels an eternity when you aren’t functioning. ERs do not like repeat customers, and it’s hard to self-advocate when you aren’t feeling good. As someone mentioned – the one page summary of current history can be helpful – and week days tend to have better access than weekends (from a recent family member’s experience)
Where are you? Do you have One Medical there? I just use whoever I can get in with there as my PCP. Same day usually.
No we don’t have that I just looked. The closest we have to that is Patient First and they were terrible. I waited longer there than the ER only for them to tell me to go to the ER.
– as someone else said above – do you have any other kind of established care with another doctor? in any specialty?
– you mentioned you have a cousin who is an oncologist in another area – i would still reach out to them. you never know who they know and who their friends know from medical school, etc.
– you said none of your local friends work in healthcare – what about friends of friends?
– Idk which area exact in Hampton Roads, Virgina area, but you should look at least an hour in every direction.
– Is there a nearby medical school?
Is there anyone at your former PCP’s office who could see you, even if they aren’t a PCP? A physician’s assistant, nurse practitioner, someone who will take you seriously and advocate for you? If your PCP is still practicing, can you contact them at their new location and ask for help (a telehealth visit, a referral for a sooner appointment, etc.)?
Medical groups in my area will allegedly put you on a waitlist in case there are cancellations before your appointment. They never call you. But if you check their website every day a slot will always appear sooner.
I would go back to the ER, but first, type up a one-page (no more) document with your basic medical info and outlining what you’ve told us:
Lost X percent of bodyweight in X time
Unable to work when previously you could
Struggling to get out of bed
Then, you refuse to leave until bloodwork and scans are done. Do NOT let them “give fluids” and that’s it. You do not leave until diagnostic work-up is complete.
We were struggling to get a family member emergent mental health care for a psychotic episode and having the one-pager ready to go outlining things like “sudden onset mania” and “no history of SMI” got the doctor’s attention when they were otherwise ready to send him home (since he presented well that day). The doctor specifically THANKED me for the document.
I would put all that in an AI model and see what it says, people hate on it but sounds like OP is in a geography where this could be very useful as a starting point to identify specialists to see.
+1
OP, this sounds awful and I’m sorry. Do write things down before you go to the ER or to any appointments; it makes your history specific, to the point, and makes you look more serious (which is ridiculous, of course). I’d write down even more data points, like what you were able to eat in a day (with a calorie count or measurements, if possible). If you have a smartwatch or a pulse oximeter, take note of your heart rate data (if you don’t own one of those, I wouldn’t buy when you can see big health expenses coming, but would ask to borrow a friend’s).
And when you say (write) that you can’t get out of bed, stress it’s because of dizziness or lack of physical strength (whatever applies). You don’t want to give the impression that it’s a depressive symptom and be dismissed as psych patient.
“Rapid unintentional weight loss” should get some attention. I have never had people try harder to help my mom than when we said that to her doctor. It was like everyone mobilized to start ordering tests and scans, etc.
The only other thing I’ve seen get a similar reaction from medical professionals is when I told my PCP I had a bruise on my breast. I was able to get a mammogram, ultrasound and specialist appointment with a breast specialist scheduled for the next day, which I had never seen before in my entire life.
If you go to the ED again, ask if they have a patient navigator who can help get you a new PCP and book an appointment for you within a reasonable amount of time. June is not acceptable. If they can’t do that, contact the practice administrator where your previous PCP was and ask for an urgent appointment. When patient access is this bad, you have to be the squeaky wheel, even if it’s not in your nature.
Oh man, my heart goes out to you. While you continue to fight traditional medicine, I would start going the functional medicine route in parallel. They will absolutely run complete and thorough blood work (and can send the orders into Quest Diagnostics to have it run and returned asap).
It’s very helpful to have all of this in hand when you can get an appt within traditional medicine.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
You can get direct-to-consumer testing for lots of things through ownyourlabs.com or places like Labcorp or Quest. I’ve had bad experiences with the latter two; my father is a physician and he recommends ownyourlabs.com, but I’ve never tried it.
Another option is to look for low-cost clinics locally, often women’s health clinics, community health clinics, or clinics run by medical schools. If someone there sees you and recognizes how sick you are they may be able to get you some immediate testing and/or care but also get you in to see someone who otherwise would make you wait.
Have you tried your OB/GYN or any other specialist you see regularly? Try to get an emergency appointment, to get in to the system, same as above.
Sending best wishes.
goodlabs.com is consistently the cheapest option for running your own labs that I’ve found.
I have a chronic condition that causes a vitamin deficiency. My PCP wants to check me once a year, but I check myself at a 6 month interval, too, because last time I waited a year, I was in “severe deficiency” and symptomatic. So I now self order once a year and let them professionally order once a year so there are two checks. But you do need to know what you should be ordering for these to be helpful, and I’m not sure OP does.
I think my reply got caught in moderation. Apologies if this is a duplicate.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I can think of three things that might help. If you have any idea what labs to run (maybe you cousin could give you some advice?) you can do direct-to-consumer testing via Own Your Labs, or a place like Labcorp of Quest. I had bad experiences with the latter; I haven’t tired OYL but my father is a physician and recommends them. You may be able to get an appointment quickly if you have lab results showing something is wrong.
You could try a local community clinic or women’s health clinic, or a low-cost patient clinic at a medical school – doctors there can escalate if they see how sick you are.
The other way to get someone to escalate is to try to get an emergency appointment with another doctor you have (not your PCP, but an OB/GYN, for example). Call first thing every morning and ask if there have been cancellations. Again, if they recognize how sick you are they can get you in to see the right people faster.
Finally, this is ridiculous, but many doctors don’t like it when patients (especially women) use medical terminology – they think it means you think you know more than you do and/or are a hypochondriac. So try saying that your heart is beating really fast, not that you have tachycardia.
maybe i missed it but i don’t think you say how old you are — there might be more resources available for seniors; when my mom was having big problems earlier this year people here recommended we call senior services to ask
do you have another doctor that you could see to get the bloodwork rolling like gynocology? or someone in your former PCP’s practice like an NP?
I’m not much of a skirt person, but this is gorgeous and I might buy!
Help me by commiserating and/or telling me to snap out of it.
We (spouse and kids) have been in our house 20 years and have objectively outgrown it–literally we are on top of each other and we are out of room for the most basic stuff, we are not high-consumers or huge “stuff” people. I have spent years and so many hours rearranging, reorganizing, purging, etc. and I’m about maxed out.
We can afford a new bigger house. We want a new bigger house. Not even that much bigger, to be honest. And we have been looking for a year and have lost out on three offers where there were only 1-3 other bidders.
We’ve waited too long . . . . in that I now cannot stand my current house and can’t wait to get out. It’s so strange to be ready to make such a big move and have so little control over it. Pulling into the driveway makes me bummed out. I no longer feel happy walking in my door. Clutter everywhere? Who cares, why should I bother anymore. I was on the verge of doing some house refresh projects before we decided to start looking, so I then didn’t want to spend the money. Now it’s been a year and we have no new house and no refresh.
Real first world brat problems, for sure.
So I know what we need to do to find a new house . . . keep looking, make compromises, be willing to spend a bit more money (trying to get my husband on that train), etc. In the meantime, how do I get over this now nearly total distaste for my current house, where everytime I have an issue, I think of how it would be solved in a bigger space, let alone one of the houses we lost out on?
You’re right that you need to focus on moving. I was in a similar situation (decluttered everything I could, tried to make it work, tried to make peace with the now) but all my problems evaporated the moment we moved. Sometimes you really do need to change the setting and not your attitude. Figure out what you need to do to be competitive in your market and be ready to make offers quickly.
I don’t know your situation but multi-generational families live in tiny apartments all over the world. Maybe it would help to be grateful for what you do have and accept that you are trying to improve the situation but the timing and specifics are out of your control. And if there are things you could do to be happier where you are, maybe either do them or make a conscious choice not to do them because you prefer to focus on moving. Focus on the things in your control, in other words.
Commiseration. House shopping is so discouraging. I chuckled ruefully that you’ve “only” lost out on three houses. I was looking in 2021-22 and put in dozens of offers, most way above asking, some with inspections waived, and I was going through a private bank so funding is basically guaranteed (for sellers who are worried the mortgage will fall through).
I don’t really like our house now. I was so discouraged I put in an offer thinking it’s just going to get rejected like all the others and, surprise, it was accepted. I have come to love our neighbors and neighborhood. It would be hard to leave for that reason. I’m contemplating major renovations to make the house what I want — the kind of renovations that make a general contractor tell you to just move. We’re waiting until our baby is closer to school aged to decide whether we prefer our current (very good!) school district or the next one over (also very good). That will probably guide whether we stay or go.
Watch love it or list it and hire a designer to help you. It almost certain you are hanging onto too much stuff. Bikes you never ride, holiday decor, hobby detritus, coats that are still good but you don’t use, just in case things.
I was going to comment that there is another solution here, which is getting a lot more ruthless about getting rid of things. Every time I think I’ve decluttered enough but I’m still not happy with the level of clutter, I watch a few episodes of Hoarders and that gives me the push to get rid of more stuff. Remember, OP, “Someday we’ll get around to doing that/fixing that/using that” is not a good reason to keep things.
One of my friends also did this: she took advantage of a six-month discounted deal at a local self-storage place (it was like $350 for six months) and moved a bunch of stuff into the unit. The rule was, anything they didn’t go get out of the storage unit during the six months was getting donated. They never went to the storage unit once, so at the end of the six months she hired people to go clean out the unit and take everything to donation. Something to consider; it helps get emotionally detached from the stuff and also not go through the drama of arguing with family members over stuff they swear they can’t part with.
Spend more time out of the house.
I hated my living situations for years. Spent my 20s living in tiny apartments with hand me down or Ikea furniture when I had the $$ for something better but thought I needed to save instead. In many respects, I’m glad I grinded and saved, but in those years I spent a lot of time away from home.
Can you take more trips? Get out of the house more on the weekends? Go out to eat instead of look around your kitchen?
If you think you don’t need something “that much bigger” to accommodate your existing stuff, will moving actually fix your feelings? Or are you setting yourself up to overfill a slightly larger, more expensive space only to end up just as unhappy once you accumulate a few more things?
I mean, it sounds like she’s tried that approach! I can appreciate that what was workable when kids were younger starts to feel cramped when they’re adult-sized with adult-sized clothing, furniture, etc. to match.
I think it can be really stressful as a child to have that “on top of each other” feeling. Older kids benefit from a little space, and in our culture children have very few other places to go and ways to get there. This is true even without stuff.
100% this. I appreciate all the responses and this really hits the nail on the head. I don’t want more space for more stuff, I want more space for more space. We all feel and express the stress we feel being “on top of each other” in our house and I have the means to give them more space. Trust me when I say we cannot add on to our current house to meaningfully create more space and it’s very challenging for anyone to have any privacy or peace.
Ok fine, this is a fashion blog, so I’ll admit maybe I do want a few more clothes and shoes if I ever have a walk-in closet versus my 24″ reach-in, haha.
I have to disagree with you there. Kids have a lot of places to go, and the same ways to get there we always had. They just choose not to go, and we let them hibernate.
It really depends where you live! Some places are much more car centric than others, and some places are much better at providing places for kids than others. I think you know that though.
Stress on a child? Give me a break.
It’s not just about having somewhere to go. Our house is small and definitely would not work with more than one child. They would constantly be fighting over the one sink in the tiny bathroom. If one were practicing a musical instrument the noise would be deafening throughout the entire house. There is no way to fit seating for more than three people in our tiny family room. Etc.
I’d do the little refreshes around the house. They would be a win-win: help you feel better about the house and help attract a buyer when you list it.
Yes, agreed here. I’ve also done some pre-packing of things you don’t access very often.
Another idea might be to go all in on holiday decor for whatever holidays you celebrate or lean deep into creating a “hygge” feeling as the days get long.
Good luck!!
Thank you! I agree with you about the pre-packing, although that is also what brought on my recent malaise! I had packed away some winter things because I was so sure we would have a new house by now, and then wanted one of those winter things yesterday and realized I didn’t have it in the house . . . oh well.
To me, three offers in a year is not that many offers. I’m in this industry and there are plenty of people who make three offers in one season.
Do you already have a mortgage preapproval letter? You need one in order to be competitive in this market.
Do you know why you missed out? Is it because your buyer’s agent is not good at writing an offer that’s going to be competitive (e.g. some houses are deliberately listed below market price in order to get a bidding war and if you don’t know that and you bid below asking, you’re not going to be in the running). I think this might be your issue, so you may want to find a new agent.
If you know where you want to move, could you make an offer off-market to a home you know might be up for it? For example, any house that’s for rent means that the owner is not occupying the home. You can easily look up houses for rent on Zillow or Redfin. If you make a serious offer on one of these homes, you may be able to get the home off market. If you do this yourself without a broker, you can hire a real estate lawyer to draw up a simple contract.
Our last house we bought, it was because they our up to street neighbors and I found out that they just bought another house, so we reached out to them right away and agreed on a purchase price. It was higher than we wanted to pay, but we know the builder makes high quality homes and the sellers took meticulous care of it and we are thrilled with the house all around. I told husband multiple reasons why the new house is a better investment than our house and he agreed to stretch a little.
All very good points, thank you for the advice.
It’s the balancing act between a) we want to move and you can never find the “perfect” house and b) we waited this long to move so why should we “settle” too much? It’s a very fine line.
We have a mortgage preapproval letter and a great agent.
To be frank, we lost out on houses because we won’t waive inspection (but do give hefty inspection credits) and because my husband so far has only been willing to bid asking price, even if the asking price is below our overall budget.
I am not willing to bid on any more houses without an escalation clause, and he understands that now. Buying a house, the kind we want, is not the time to be looking for a discount or his definition of a sweet deal.
I only make these points because maybe they, in conjunction with the other comments, will help others.
You’re never going to get a house in a competitive market with that approach. Just start your projects at the house you have because that’s going to be your home.
From having bought a house in the bay area (at asking, in a market where asking price was not typical), we put in an offer the day of the first open house, offered a shortened inspection period (<1wk) and a 21 day closing. We waived appraisal and loan contingency as well.
But it might make sense to also look into what it would take to make your current house liveable for you. Sticker shock for a remodel could get your husband to realize that bidding over asking to get a house you could work with could be the right approach.
I agree with all of this. And it’s not just the sticker shock, but the remodeling work will take an enormous amount of time and supervision and nothing goes as planned (e.g., my friend’s house had hidden asbestos that needed to be remediated in the middle of the project). I would absolutely prefer to pay more money toward a new house than to take on another part-time job that is home remodeling.
The last house I bought was $400k over the asking price. Yes, that’s insane but we really wanted the house and even then, we are happy with what we paid because it was just within the max amount we were willing to pay. So yes, use that escalator addendum – that’s what it’s for.
Anyone tried Hommegirls? How’s their quality?
Please recommend some stylish flowy black pants for nice dinners in a 12 petite pear-apple shape! My current old options are nicer leggings or work trousers. Thanks!
La Ligne’s Colby pant. Also Chan Luu’s taffeta pants.
Hair styling help. I am wearing this dress to a wedding this weekend https://bit.ly/4iax6vm
I have layered curly hair which I often straighten, no forehead bangs, but some face framing shorter layers. I can pull everything back off my face no problem.
I think my hair needs to be off my shoulders but am not sure what exact style. Would love suggestions!
I flipped through the RTR pictures, and the ones that I thought looked best had their hair up – either with soft pieces around the face or pulled straight back. Hair down really clashed with the detail of the dress.
Agreed. I was thinking a really high ponytail? I have a gold comb with detail I can plug into it that would make the pony look fancier
Any book recs for me? I feel impossible ha.
Reading was my personality when I was younger, and I miss it as an adult. But my problem is that my favorite genre is historical romance and they’re all so formulaic – characters don’t talk to each other, leading to some stupid misunderstanding, and I want to chuck my kindle across the room. One class of books I do seem to enjoy is antique (1890s-1930s) books because I feel like the standards to get published back then were higher than today, and if nothing else, the vocabulary and syntax are refreshingly different. But antique books are hard to find and you never know what you’ll get. Is there a modern paperback for me?
No advice, just commiseration for formulaic romance novels that make you hate both characters!
Do you know Persephone Books or Dean Street Press? There are a few companies that focus on forgotten fiction. Google suggests Valancourt Books is another if they happen to have any of your genres.
With the big disclaimer that I haven’t read them myself, I’ve heard great things about the Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion series.
I am loving these! Currently reading Vol. 2.
HUGE FAN! Listen to the audiobooks, the reader is great!
These are fun and I’d recommend them, but just a heads up that most of them are very short (less than an hour to read and not much happens in the first few, and a little longer and they get more interesting in the later ones), so they won’t keep you occupied for long. Definitely better than The Awakening, though, which was one of the books I’ve most hated reading, and I read a lot.
In general, I might try reading some slightly different genres and see if anything else works better for you, like maybe other historical fiction, romantasy, or golden age mysteries?
One specific recommendation is The Awakening by Kate Chopin, which is from that era that you like (1890s, I believe). It is more than a simple romance, but there is definitely romance in it. Bonus points for a romantic setting (New Orleans). It is, I believe, an underappreciated book from that era.
This is one of the most depressing books ever written. I would only read it for English class, never for fun.
Seriously!!
Hahaha, I had the same thought with this recommendation. “It has some romance” WHAT??! I read it senior year and remember thinking WT F did I just read? And I read a fair amount of Victorian/Edwardian stuff. Also effed up territory if you are into that, Ann Radcliffe, the Mysteries of Udolpho or The Monk.
My favorite class in college was about American women writers before 1930 and I was scrolling down to recommend The Awakening when I saw your post! Consider this a second rec for Kate Chopin, with the caveat that it’s a bit more layered than a modern romance novel.
OP – I’m with you on wanting to chuck my Kindle across the room with all of the stupid misunderstandings. Looking forward to see what other folks recommend here!
Look at m/m romance. Less formulaic, less traditional.
+1
Also, historical romance that have a secondary genre, like a mystery, will have their formulaic elements geared to the secondary genre.
Good point. I really liked the Golem and the Jinni though I’m not caught up to see how much of a romance it even is.
Not quite historical romance, but if you’re willing to do historical-flavored fantasy romance, the Paper Magician trilogy might be one you’d enjoy.
I think historical fiction or romance-adjacent history books might work?
For example, I just finished “The Last Days of Night” about the Edison-Westinghouse wars. It’s historical fiction around the time period you like, and there is a love story on the side.
I also read “Romantic Outlaws” about Mary Wollstonecraft and Mary Shelley, which was history/feminism/romance/sci fi–and boy did the Shelleys have a romance!
I’m not OP but I just borrowed The Last Days of Night on your recommendation!
Apologies for recommending a book I haven’t read, but I recently watched The Other Bennet Sister and it was really charming. It’s based on a book, and involves romance but is mostly about the main character growing and blossoming. The show doesn’t involve the dumb contrived formula you complain of. So maybe the book is good?
You could also try Agatha Christie’s “Tommy and Tuppence” books which aren’t romances but the main characters are a couple.
The adaptation is extremely faithful to the book. The book is delightful.
I’ll add it to my own list, then; thank you!
If you are younger than me (late 50s), your “younger” might not have included a couple of classics of the 70s and 80s: The Thornbirds and The Winds of War (and other Herman Wouk novels). Both were made into miniseries, which were all the rage in the 80s, and were must-see TV, but the books were, of course, much, much better. There is a third in that genre that I can’t think of right now; I’ll report back when it comes to me.
North and South? Great recs!
YES! That was it. The 80s were a great TV era.
Ariel Lawhon? More historical fiction than romance, but really well-written and researched.
I enjoy her books too.
i think we need to know what you’re including on your “too formulaic” list… have you read Tessa Dare, Sarah MacLean, Sophie Jordan, Sherry Thomas, Joanna Bourne, Mary Balogh, Kerrigan Byrne?
I saw Nonesuch recommended here and think you should give it a try.
Somewhat non-traditional historical fiction that are also romances:
MM Kaye, Shadows of the Moon or The Far Pavilions. They’re still centered around the main character’s relationships but they’re more sweeping epics than a traditional HR. Set during some rough periods in Indian history.
The Wolf Hunt, by Gillian Bradshaw is another favorite of mine. It’s set in medieval Brittany and is based in part on a 12th century poem.
And if you have any inclination towards semi-gothic romances in the vein of Mary Stewart, I recommend Madeleine Brent, whose books although formulaic are generally a good time. The heroines are usually full of gumption and honor and subject to various iniquities like wicked uncles, lost inheritances and cryptic riddles. My favorite is Moonraker’s Bride, which in addition to the foregoing also involves the Boxer Rebellion.
I would agree that mentioning books you haven’t liked would be very helpful.
Books that I’ve enjoyed that may fit the bill:
– A Curious Beginning by Deanna Raybourn (Victorian England, solves murders, romance across)
– A Rip Through Time by Kelley Armstrong (Modern day homicide detective time travels to Victorian Scotland, solves murder, slow-burn romance across series)
– Isola – By Allegra Goodman
– What the River Knows – By Isabel Ibanez
– The Benevolent Society of Ill-Mannered Ladies by Alison Goodman
Have your read the Forsyte Saga by John Galsworthy? It’s a sweeping multigenerational saga about a late Victorian family of relatively new wealth. The books are elegantly written. While romance is not the main focus, it does play a major role. I second North and South, too. The Camomile Lawn and other books by Mary Wesley could suit as well.
If I wanted a pair of dressy pants that aren’t office-coded, what style would you look for? I’m thinking specifically for holiday events, going to a theatre, etc.
It is probably relevant to mention that most wide-leg pants look very sloppy on me. I’ve seen the photos, and they do not lie.
You’re probably not styling them right.
Get a style that works for you in a fun fabric. Velvet, sequins, sparkle of some sort. I love velvet pants, personally.
Posted above but I’m very into the Chan Luu and Reformstion taffeta pants. They dress up well and are nothing I’d wear to the office. Fun with heels again.
I was in our NYC offices on Monday and saw the Reformation tafetta pants in person. They are very pretty, but run VERY narrow through the hips/thighs/seat which is unfortunate as I was hoping to grab a pair for the holidays. Boden and Talbots are reliable sources for ‘fun’ holiday pants, and Jcrew usually has at least a few tartan pairs.
I also have this question. I struggle with selecting pants (on a budget) for, say, a dinner out in Paris that don’t look like my office pants.
The recs in the above post are very nice.
Let’s talk dating, how many men at most do you date at once and why?
Going on a second or third date with the intention of finding a relationship? Two guys simultaneously (back when I was still dating). It quickly became obvious which person I like better. And I didn’t go on many second dates. I knew twenty minutes into the first date whether I was interested.
If I happened to match with multiple guys on the apps at once then I didn’t limit the number of dates I scheduled. I knew most of them wouldn’t pass the first date hurdle anyway so it was a numbers game.
I try to keep it at seven or fewer. One date for each day of the week is about all I can handle.
If it’s just going on early dates without a commitment, as many as I want to. Don’t limit yourself to one dude on the apps at a time.
I’m married now, but I never had enough time or men interested in me to go on dates with more than one at a time. If they made it through 3 dates, I knew if I wanted to pursue a relationship with the guy in question, and that gets done in less than a month. I will note that I’m someone who hates the early stages of a relationship and had no interest in casual dating. I also never did dating apps because my observations of roommates’ experiences was that it was a major waste of time. You’d go on a dozen dates and they’d all be super shallow and everyone was quick to write the other person off because they felt like there were always more and better options OR they were weirdly desperate. Maybe I would have succumbed if I hadn’t met my spouse in college, but there were enough opportunities to meet people then that apps really weren’t necessary.
I wish people who never dated on apps didn’t give opinions about it.
It is fine for people to give opinions based on their observations of the experiences of others.
Okay, but I think your perspective on dating apps is very much skewed/irrelevant because you met your spouse in college. That’s totally different. Of course you have a ton of options in college to meet people live at student events, classes, etc.
What does one do in their mid-30s or 40s when they work full time and do not know whether random dude in the grocery aisle is single or taken? Wouldn’t a dating app make sense to meet people who are looking to date? I’m sure you’d agree with me that dating people at work is a bad idea. So then what alternatives are there?
+1. Meeting a spouse in college makes it really hard to relate to people dating later in life via apps or otherwise.
I totally agree that I have a very skewed idea of dating and dating apps, that’s why I gave the background – I know it’s relevant! It was a pretty open-ended question, and if it was specifically targeted at people who are currently professionals on dating apps I would have kept my mouth shut. But nothing about the question indicated that my opinion wasn’t wanted.
I would be curious about how the kinds of people you meet on dating apps changes when you’re not a college kid – I stand by my analysis of the dating app experience in college, but I could absolutely imagine that an older set of people approach dating apps and the dates that result much differently.
I know many people who met through friends. Not people they were actively friends with at the beginning but just doing more social stuff yields more opportunities to meet people who could be potential partners. It’s not a guarantee which sucks but it also has the side effect of socializing more. Examples of how people I know have met not on the dates in recent years:
– friend of bride met friend of groom at wedding
– group went out after work happy hour and friend hit it off with one of coworkers brother who had stopped by to say hi to his sister
– friend moved to new city and didn’t know a ton of people so joined law alumni group and made friends with a woman who invited her to her birthday party a few weeks later where my friend met her boyfriend
When you’re comparing dating app-dating to in person-dating, I think you have to control for the first meeting. A dating app first date is the first time you’re meeting this person. It’s not the same as a first date where you’ve already met and briefly chatted with someone.
Back when I was single, one. I just did not like juggling the logistics otherwise.
For me, only one at a time because I’m a hopeless romantic and think that each guy I meet is “the one”…. until about date 4 or 5 and I discover he is not who I imagined him to be.
I don’t really consider a first meeting from the apps to be a “first date.” If you’re counting that as a first date then I guess I’d date dozens of people at a time, ha.
But actually hanging out with someone about once a week, probably 2-3. My schedule and emotional energy can’t accommodate more than that.