Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Lightweight CashSoft Rib Turtleneck Sweater
This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’ve been a Gap CashSoft evangelist for the last several years, so I’m excited to add this turtleneck to my collection. The knits are soft, but sturdy, and are available at a fantastic price. I wash mine on a gentle cycle in a lingerie bag and dry them flat on something kind of like this, and they’ve held up remarkably well for a few seasons.
I love a cozy turtleneck for layering under sheath dresses on chilly days or wearing on their own with trousers or a midi skirt.
The sweater is $69.95 at Gap, but marked down to $41.97 with the 40% Friends and Family discount happening right now. It comes in sizes XXS-XXL, ST-XXLT, and XSP-LP.
Sales of note for 10/12
- Ann Taylor – Flash Sale: 40% off full-price purchase + 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew – Friends & Family Event, 30% off for loyalty members (ends 10/12)
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off at stores and sitewide, 20% off $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale: Up to 40% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Fall Refresh Event, up to 25% off (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Nordstrom – 6,200+ new markdowns for women (Also, weirdly, they have the Fall 2026 Chanel collection, which I feel like is a first for them, but it’s like a catalog for you to call for an appointment… very strange.)
- Nordstrom Rack – Extra 25% off select denim (ends 10/12) + up to 50% off DV by Dolce Vita and more
- Old Navy – 40% off everything (ends 10/12). Also, the Old Navy x Altuzarra collab is here! All sizes (up to 4X!) of the blazer in the collab is still available.
- Talbots – Friends & Family Event: 30% off your entire purchase
- Theory – End of season sale is on with extra savings (new prices are marked)
Anyone have a recent review or recommendation between the spa hotels, 4 seasons, langham, etc in Chicago?
Planning a 2-3 night luxiourious spa & hotel stay in Chicago, I live in the area. Not looking to do more oit of town travelling after a packed holiday schedule and need an unwind after my busiest time at work in January.
The plan is to do some spa treatments, shopping, and hopefully cruising through atleast 1 book and several naps.
Semi-local here who loves a spa vacation in Chicago. The Waldorf Astoria is actually my favorite, it was renovated a few years ago and for a while it really punched above its price point which was quite a bit cheaper than the Langham and Peninsula (although I think they’ve raised prices lately, so it’s much closer now to those two). Between Langham and Peninsula, you’ll find plenty of devotees of both. I personally prefer the Langham which is brighter and feels more fun. Peninsula is dark and while luxe feels much more business-oriented, so I favor the Langham for this kind of trip. The breakfast is better at the Peninsula, if you’re booking with a credit card or TA and will have that included. I like the afternoon tea more at the Langham. The spas at both are excellent. I would avoid the Four Seasons, it’s very family-centric. We love it for trips with the kids (by far the best luxury hotel in Chicago for families, imo) but avoid it for adults-only getaways.
Another vote for the Waldorf Astoria, and not just because they fit me in the morning after the Chicago marathon on short notice. Great spa, but not a lot of co-ed overlap if you are going with your spouse.
I live in Chicago so haven’t stayed overnight at the hotel, but the spa at the Peninsula is great. My sister also visits for a staycation once a year and stays at the Peninsula and really loves the luxurious rooms and location. I’ve had massages there and the treatments were top notch. They also have a fabulous indoor pool area with outdoor balcony if it’s nice out.
I went to a wedding at the Langham and was underwhelmed by it. I can’t speak to the spa or hotel there.
I also understand that the spa was just redone at the 4 Seasons and that it is fantastic although I haven’t personally checked it out yet.
4 Seasons and Peninsula are both located near shopping/Mag Mile and I don’t think you could go wrong with either one.
Enjoy your visit – sounds wonderful!!
Fairmont for a massage was 8/10. Massage therapist was very talented. Facility is nice.
The Chicago Fairmont is a really mediocre hotel though. I’m surprised they haven’t kicked it out of the brand because it’s not up to the standards of a Fairmont at all. Also a worse location than the 5 star hotels in River North.
The Langham is in the same building as other offices and I’m reminded of all the other times I had to go to that building for less than luxurious reasons, so I’ve never wanted to stay at the hotel. But I loved the Peninsula. DH and I did a staycation there near the holidays and loved it. I didn’t find it dark or business like at all? The room itself was delightful with all the premium trappings that I never knew I was missing! And the cafe in the building is adorable for lunch if it’s too cold to journey outside for long.
I read the piece on dressing old money. It’s not really relevant to my life but enjoyable to read.
What is relevant is I’ve moved to a new industry in a finance role as the 2nd in command of the finance function. It’s a creative environment and people dress down. I’m used to the investment banking environment which was very formal. I wore a suit everyday and I have a row of 6 suits I wore in rotation (with pantyhose) which were serious and formal.
My boss is male, loved by everyone (including me!) and dresses in jcrew preppy style. The senior women in the office don’t dress like that. It’s more pants with a top, sneakers which look expensive and a $3-5,000 bag.
Help me out with grooming suggestions and clothing options. Bag wise I’m good. I’m a single mom with gap rewards and a limited budget. Goal is to have clothing that eludes CFO. The more machine washable items the better. I do my own iron Ro, a $350 iron from my days in IB.
I’m 5’6” and a size 12/14.
Veronica Beard seems good for this. There is a TON for sale second hand on the real real for good prices. The website has decent sales too. A lot of the tops say dry clean only but you can wash them on delicate and hang dry.
Ulla Johnson tops might work too. I don’t think you will find much at Gap that lends executive presence. Maybe BR.
CapHillStyle mentioned today that she stopped at Nordstrom Rack and bought Veronica Beard.
Link to the article referenced?
https://corporette.com/how-to-look-old-money/
I’d probably invest in a few designer/nice looking sneakers (Veronica Beard, Rothys, Tigers for cool kid cred), polished flats, and then pants that flatter you along with nicer sweaters/tops and accessories as your third piece (blazers, brooches and scarves, etc.). Look to Tuckernuck, Boden, Banana Republic, Veronica Beard/Frame (ideally on sale), Brooks Brothers and the like.
+1 for the Tigers. I wore them on stage with a black tailored dress and got so many compliments.
Fit and fabric are the main differences between Gap and luxury brands. You can make inexpensive clothes look expensive if they’re properly tailored.
Things like t-shirts, ironically, have to be more expensive. A simple, not-fitted piece lets the fabric shine (or… not). Keep an eye out for silk shirts on sale at places like Nordstrom rack; they often have Eileen fisher in lucky sizes/colors. Vince goes on sale at normal Nordstrom, idk about rack.
And iron or steam your clothes. Wrinkles make everything look cheap even if it isn’t.
I’d do Rent the Runway or something until you find your business casual style. I don’t know of a shoe rental place but boots will probably be the best bet if seasonally appropriate for your office, then sneakers (Golden Goose, VBeard, Vince Oasis (just saw some at N.Rack) and the rag & bone sneakers. Or trendy Adidas!)
agree with tailoring. what’s your body type? thin & tall is a very different proposition than short with a belly. (said as someone who is short with a belly.)
What are your favorite gifts under $50?
For who?
Nod pod!
once I got someone a giant bag of just the marshmallows from lucky charms. $50 of that would be quite impressive (for the right recipient only!!)
That would be an awesome white elephant gift!
My favorite white elephant gift was $50 worth of potatoes. Idk if you’ve ever seen how many potatoes $50 buys but it’s a lot. And very useful if you’re about to host an army of relatives for the holidays!
That is so unhinged and I love it.
My college aged nieces appreciate the ‘sephora favorites’ collection items for holiday gifts (or the brand’s own holiday sets if you know their faves). My 16-22 year old nephews get a big box of Frito Lays chips/Nabisco cookies/Cheezits (basically – lots of shelf stable snacks they can throw in bags/have in college) plus a $25 gift card to target/starbucks.
Wine.
Flowers.
Consumables from a local shop, ie, your local chocolatier or pretzel place or anything your area is known for.
Candle from a local maker plus a pretty box of matches. I buy from a lady that uses beautiful fabric or paper scraps to wrap matchboxes. Sometimes I’ll add a candle snuffer too. Makes the gift feel more complete than just a candle.
This might be niche but I saw it at a makers market (you can tell I go to a lot of them) and it’s been a hit: a blind date with a book. It’s a gift wrapped book (you don’t know which book but you can pick categories and see the good reads rating), a couple of fancy tea bags and sticks of honey, a cute bookmark, and a couple of other little things. You could make this yourself if you want to pick the book.
Cheese box of whatever variety is exciting to me at the time. Williams Sonoma has a bunch available for shipping nationwide.
Depending on the occasion, I gift first aid kits, a good headlamp, nice socks, books, art supplies, a small art piece by a local artist
The way to my heart is a pound of See’s candy — still well under $50.
It was over 50 last time I bought some! Still worth it tho.
In the store a pound is $34.
A pound is $34. I just bought some for my mom.
Garrett’s popcorn. I’m the only member of my family who lives in the Chicago area and it’s what I send extended family for Christmas.
A three month membership to the Book of the Month club is $60, and the recipient can pick what they want!
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills and I’d appreciate an objective opinion. It’s objectively awful to hold a wedding ceremony outside during the remnants of a tropical storm, right? Temp was in the 50s and it was pouring enough to require umbrellas and raincoats. Guests’s ages ranged from 35 to 80+, so it’s not like the couple were young 20 somethings who don’t have fully developed brains. Ceremony was on grass. Black tie dress code. Professional wedding/events venue with plenty of indoor space.
The bride is (was?) a reasonably good friend but the lead up to and day of the wedding have made me reconsider the friendship. She was never the most empathetic person, but wasn’t outright rude like she has been over the past year. She quit her job to be an influencer, so I don’t think the behavior will stop now that the wedding is over. Her bridesmaids (also wanna be influencers) are all fawning over how fun it was to have a wedding in the rain. DH and I refused to sit outside (for over an hour before the ceremony; bride was late but wouldn’t admit she was late so everyone had to wait outside because she’s only 5 mins away! for an hour). We were the only ones who didn’t let the bridesmaids bully us into waiting in the rain, other than grandma in a wheelchair. Some of the bridesmaids have asked us to apologize to the couple for not attending the ceremony. I’m willing to apologize if I’m in the wrong. But I’m tempted to give a non-apology that will probably end the friendship, like, “I’m sorry we wouldn’t sit outside in a hurricane to attend your ceremony, it looked beautiful from our vantage point inside the warm, dry venue. We especially enjoyed not sitting around in cold, wet, muddy clothes and shoes all evening like all of your other guests.” (I wouldn’t really say that). Wwyd?
I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to be outside with you during the actual ceremony. You looked absolutely stunning! Thank you so much for including us on your special day!
Tbh I would try to give this friend some grace. No one wants to deal with a tropical storm when you have planned an outdoor wedding. I agree that it sounds awful to stand in the rain for an hour, but I would feel more sad for the friend that her wedding was not what she expected than the anger you are feeling.
I will add…. I do not think you need to apologize to appease the bridesmaids. It also does not sound like you actually like this friend very much anymore, so it is totally okay to just let this friendship fade.
I’d let it go. It doesn’t sound like you like this person at all.
Fwiw, the prominent religion in my area requires a church service usually a few hours in advance of the actual wedding celebration. I make an effort to go even though it’s not my religion but tons of people just skip the ceremony and go to the party. I cannot remember anyone getting angry about it.
A close friend had a six figure wedding that was featured in the New York Times. The party was truly a spectacular event. The ceremony was in a church with zero air conditioning during an August heatwave in nyc. Full mass. Priest was chastising us for looking uncomfortable. I started to reconsider going the ceremony after that. I feel like it shouldn’t be optional but it totally is!
The church service is the actual wedding! The party is the reception. Or are people doing a second ceremony at the reception?
No second ceremony. Tons of people just skip it and go to the party. Two hours in a 95 degree church had me totally rethinking my approach of going to ceremonies too. I’d like to see people get married but when you show up all sweaty and exhausted to an amazing party and half the people just arrived from an air conditioned car you feel extremely stupid.
I would have been really hurt if people had skipped the ceremony where I got married. I’ll never forget walking down the aisle and seeing everyone I cared about most smiling and me and supporting me.
I don’t think Catholic brides expect you to come. For better or worse a ton of people are just “skip the ceremony” people. especially if they’re not religious enough to want to go to mass weekly they really don’t want to sit through mass.
Personally I like to see the actual ceremony but because these kinds are always pretty the same I get it. They do Paul’s letter to the Corinthians and a show offy inlaw sings an hymn. Its not like you’ll miss personalized vows or something.
This is so funny to me. Back in the day, the wedding ceremony was open to everyone and the reception was smaller.
I mean the church is still technically open to anyone. But lots of people skip it.
I think those people were just rude. This has never been standard, at least not as far back as my parents’ generation and they’re quite a bit older than you.
Old -fashioned etiquette (Miss Manners etc) says you can be invited to the reception but not the ceremony, but the reverse is not ok. Couples can have an intimate ceremony and celebrate with a larger group, but it’s considered poor etiquette to invite someone to watch you get married but then refuse to pay for their meal at the celebration.
In my culture, it’s actually the opposite – much smaller ceremony, big open-house reception. But the reception is also typically a “casual family reunion” kind of vibe and while there’s always refreshments no one expects a meal at the reception. Half the time there isn’t even a dress code.
I’m not sure if you’re responding to me or not, but yes that’s what Miss Manners endorses – smaller ceremony, big reception. It’s the reverse that is (conventionally) considered inappropriate.
Weddings are crazy and I would extend grace, but I see no need to apologize for going inside (it’s not like you went home). It also sounds like maybe you don’t really like the bride anymore and can let the friendship fade out, in which case nothing more than “beautiful wedding, best wishes to you!” is needed.
I don’t think of “getting wet” as harmful. Getting chilled might be though, so I understand grandma staying inside if that was too cold for her. But clearly most of the wedding guests were totally fine if they stuck it out.
I don’t like the dynamic of bullying or expecting an apology, but I do think that you knew it was going to be outside and didn’t apparently prepare adequately for this eventuality, and prioritized “not being rained on” over a once in a lifetime occasion. So it sounds like you already had the feeling that “I like my personal physical comfort more than I like these people” and that probably came through.
I don’t think it matters whether heavy rain is from a “tropical storm” or is just rain, unless you’re saying there was lightening which is objectively dangerous.
Agree with all of this.
Just to clarify – we didn’t know the ceremony would be outside. The wedding website didn’t say anything about being outside or walking on grass at all. I checked a couple of times because I wanted to know if I should bring flats or a jacket. I DID bring both flats and a jacket because it was so cold and wet that I was concerned about making it from the car to inside.
But yeah I mean it’s a fair point that I prioritized my personal comfort. My baby just started daycare, my immune system is enough of a wreck without sitting in the damp for a long time.
There was lighting that day but not during the time everyone was outside, thankfully.
It never even occurred to me that they wouldn’t have made it very clear that the ceremony would be outside! That is truly wild.
Wait, what? This is crazy unless anon @10:27 is one of the bridesmaids. Anyone planning an outdoor wedding has a weather contingency plan, and it should have been triggered in this case. Wedding guests are not props or hostages.
To the OP, this seems like one of those situations where you need to decide to either lower the temperature or blow things up. (Either way, this needs to be between you and the bride, not the bridesmaids. Fine to ghost them.) I’m assuming that you truly care about your friend, or you did in the past. If you are able to access that caring, then try to give her some grace.
Yep. This. And I suspect what you witnessed from the bridesmaids wasn’t true having fun so much as people trying to make the best of it and to make sure their friend didn’t have her whole wedding break up in front of her by folks following suit and starting to peel off. I hate being wet. But certain occasions are more about someone else’s moment than my temporary discomfort and there are only a few of them (funeral, wedding, and possibly graduation).
Someone choosing to go on with an outdoor wedding in spite of inclement weather is not owed unbending allegiance from the attendees for that decision, especially when they are late to their own ceremony (!!) and didn’t bother to tell the guests it was going to be outdoors (WTAF).
Grace for circumstances outside their control, sure. But expecting people to go along with anything and everything just because its a weeedddddiiinnngggg is a garbage way to treat your guests.
It isn’t about you. Repeat to yourself as needed.
“It isn’t about you” doesn’t mean “bride gets free reign to ask anything and everything from her guests or totally disregard their comfort.” Please be serious.
Since it’s not about me, the bridesmaids can tell themselves and the bridezilla that when they demand I apologize for not participating in that madness.
I have a different take than the others so far: I’d run for the hills from this gal. Influencer? Strike one. Wildly selfish on her big day in a way that could have made the elderly sick? Strike two. Weirdly aggressive friends trying to bully you into apologizing? Strike three, we’re outta this ballpark.
This is where I fall. A good hostess is always thinking first of her guests’ comfort. And a bride is a hostess.
Usually the bride and grooms parents are the hosts. Leave the bride alone.
That’s easy to do when she’s not there for a whole freakin’ hour after it was supposed to start…
Huh? What in the 1940s is this viewpoint?
This. No place or energy for this in my life. I would not apologize at allll.
+1. I dropped a friend for similar reasons. She was high maintenance to begin with, I was already questioning the friendship, then her choices and behavior at her wedding were over the line selfish. I have no regrets.
Ignore her friends’ demands and pull a slow fade. If the bride confronts you say her behavior has changed and you don’t have much in common anymore.
My niece did something similar but not quite so bad—refused to move the outdoor ceremony indoors in 35-degrees weather and then made all her guests stand out on a patio waiting to get in to the reception so she could make a grand entrance on the patio in a fur coat. It is no use pointing out the rudeness to these people. All you can do is laugh about it with the other guests.
She should be apologizing to you.
Why didn’t you wait inside until the bride appeared and then re-joined the ceremony? I do think it’s odd they kept the ceremony outside during the rain, but also odd that you just stayed inside during the ceremony when you could have been outside for a short time (20 mins?) for the sake of your friend. But also, you don’t seem to like this person and don’t seem to care about the friendship, and your behavior reflected that.
The bride doesn’t seem to like her friends and family very much.
We had hoped to do this! We couldn’t see the bride’s bus arrive with the rest of the bridesmaids; it came from a different direction than we were expecting. By the time we saw them, the bridesmaids who were already at the venue (the ones chastising everyone who tried to go inside) were lining up to walk down the aisle and they started the music. If we’d tried to rejoin then we would’ve been walking in with the bridal party. We didn’t want to be a distraction.
This makes 10:13’s script above seem really, really reasonable to me.
+1
This is what I’m confused about. I get not wanting to wait outside in the rain, but like stay close by and then go out when she has arrived?
+1 I am guessing all the other guests were outside and you and the wheelchair bound person were the only ones inside. It couldn’t have been as bad as you are making this sound if every other guest was outside waiting.
I think this is more about your hatred of your friend than the weather.
Yeah, this is my read as well.
Yeah we were the only three inside. I didn’t raise this but I thought it was wild that they left grandma by herself for so long. I ended up helping her use the bathroom. I don’t think she normally needs a carer but she was struggling with her dress. Some cousin or other thanked me later; she has tried to go check on grandma but got shamed back into her seat by a bridesmaid. Would they have just let grandma wet herself if I hadn’t been stubborn enough to go inside?
Honestly you sound quite dramatic and it’s making it tough to be on your side even though you’re mostly right.
Oh, I have had the exact experience of a bride who was so committed to the outdoor ceremony that she had guests sitting outside in windy, rainy, chilly, weather on awful folding seats while the mosquitoes dive bombed over the sodden grass (waterfront location). Umbrellas provided for the wedding party only! Covered tent with space available for the ceremony ignored because that would have had people sitting at tables for ceremony! I got in my car, turned on the heaters and had a dance party until the reception began.
I would have gone outside and watched the ceremony. Sometimes it’s not about you.
+1.
Eh, I have the pallor of a sickly Victorian child and a cough that suggests tuberculosis. I am not going all William Henry Harrison for anything. Those bridesmaids are giving icky School Hall Monitor vibes with noting this and then demanding an apology.
Big Jenny Joyce from Derry Girls energy from the bridesmaids.
“She quit her job to be an influencer” Honestly, I’d probably end the friendship just for that. I’m with you, I’m not sitting in the rain for some wannabe’s wedding.
This is where I fall. It’s not that this was a misguided friend who spent too much time on Pinterest and prioritized her aesthetic over guests’ comfort. The fact that she’s an influencer makes me think she was trying to monetize this, and her guests were unpaid models. OP refused to wait outside for an hour and, due to the nature of the arrival, that meant they couldn’t go out when the bride finally showed up.
A bit of a tangent: there is a very weird dynamic with outdoor weddings.
One group of people push them pretty heavily because they are (allegedly) less expensive. (I say allegedly, because a tent and folding chairs often cost more than a church or VFW hall rental.) When I got married, some people almost bullied me about having an outdoor ceremony: it’s cheaper, you can invite the entire church, etc etc. (I am not going to throw any shade at young or struggling couples who get married in a park because that’s what they can afford.)
Then another group, the influencers, want outdoor ceremonies for the photos and ambiance.
In both cases, guest comfort takes a backseat to someone’s ideal vision of a wedding (e.g., Instagram photos, huge guest list).
Again, no shade on people who can’t afford anything else, but it seems like there is far more of a push for outdoor weddings than there should be.
(This does not apply if you live in San Diego and can count on the weather being gorgeous.)
I think there’s a lot to it. Weddings in some sense are older than architecture after all! There are always going to be people who want the ceremony itself to happen outdoors.
Then I think (especially outside of San Diego), you need to make guests aware so they can dress for all of the weathers of the event and have shoes that don’t have pointy heels that will aerate the grass. I had an outdoor reception (rural area, no other option other than in-use vs instagram barns) and TOLD PEOPLE that repeatedly and urged them to change into whatever they were comfortable in for the reception (including the photographers, band, and workers). It’s a party. With people you care about who care about you. It should be fun.
Yes, I’m the commenter who assumed that this was emphasized on invites and everywhere once might check! Even the young people getting married at a park to save money have been very good about this in my circles.
I don’t understand the obsession with outdoor weddings. I’ve only been to one of them (in California) that was comfortable. The other 99% of the time it’s too hot, too cold, too humid, too buggy, too muddy…
Not a big deal on occasions you can wear whatever you want and leave when you feel like it. But it’s unfair at a wedding. Guests have to wear a certain type of outfit and stay 5 hours. Just have the darn thing inside.
Different take as someone who has sat through multiple outdoor weddings in the Texas summer. I did it because I loved the person, never complained to them (only my spouse), and was still going to celebrate, despite their poor decisions in 90F. If you want to stay friends with the bride, you need to apologize.
Negative. 90F is fine. Rain is different: it will ruin your outfit and you have neither rain gear nor a change of clothes handy. Opting to stay inside is reasonable behavior for guests surprised to find themselves at an outside event in inclement weather. In Scouts, we’d put up a rain fly at least.
I guess? Some percentage of guests are going to have heat intolerance from meds or conditions. That seems like a bigger deal than clothes.
The big issue is that it was a surprise, so no one could be prepared.
No doubt — people need to make their own decisions if their limits are being limiting. But surprising people is always bad! Use your words on the invitations and save-the-dates!
Ehhh. Somehow all the other guests at this wedding managed to stay outside. If the rain was so bad that is it going to ruin your outfit, I have a feeling a lot more people would have gone inside…
This. Good grief to all the drop her as a friend responses too, sometimes things happen in a less than perfect way and you just roll with it and try not to be too precious or weird.
Anyone here had the experience of a more senior colleague who was a mentor and a friend subtlety turning on you once you’re not so junior and ready to step into your own lane? If so do you have any advice on just accepting the new reality?
I’m the former junior in this scenario and it’s really wearing on me. I thought this person was a friend but now that I’ve taken steps to be more independent and control my own trajectory I feel like they don’t want me to succeed. They are actively achieving all their goals too so it’s really puzzling – I’m not succeeding at their expense. But every time I get an opportunity now they have a neutral or even snarky reaction, no genuine happiness for me.
It’s a variety of the pet to threat phenomenon. Sorry this is happening to you—some people are just insecure and I don’t know what you can do besides being comfortable stepping into your own and letting the relationship fade.
Yes, to the point of being territorial and no longer speaking to me. It was such a struggle and even knowing it was her problem, it made things really uncomfortable even after I moved to a different team. Ignore if you can but certainly it’s hard to understand someone not being civil.
Peers are different than mentors. It’s a shift, but probably fine. Don’t think too much on this.
do they maybe feel like you’re being self-promotional? i’m always fascinated by how different women approach self-promotion/hubris differently.
That’s sad, I’m sorry to hear that. I think you either try to avoid this person or find some other area where they can be a mentor to you, if that’s the only dynamic they’ll tolerate. But I’m not sure I’d want a mentor like that.
My aging feet (one foot is very bad, one normal) seem to like a Hoka trail runner or Timberland lug sole for dealing with neuroma pain. I have one pair of lug-sole loafers. Is there such a thing as thick-soled or lug-soled flats? Other than really casual looks from Sorrel, I’m not aware of any, but I need an “office” version of things so I’m not wincing in pain. Yes, another cortisone shot is planned, but I need more forgiving shoes going forward :(
This ballet flat could work:
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/bravo-lug-sole-ballet-flat-women/8511283?color=black+suede&size=9&width=m&utm_source=gad&utm_medium=pdshp&utm_term=ntcmp&utm_content=at~pmax&utm_creative_format=ag~usebq_pt~gad_vs~nv_ra~cpc_ac~ntcmp_ti~_ff~_id~6747671309&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=24264671656&gbraid=0AAAAAD8eAEkoAMhsQgWy459uSAnGBYv30&gclid=Cj0KCQjwlsfWBhD4ARIsACL7p1G1pjS-T1uPq3yQ7P7OQHaGl0ibhGjIgkxAlu69en-Pm9c83dobsw4aAmf2EALw_wcB
Nordstrom also has some lug-sole Mary janes that might be worth checking out.
If you have a podiatrist, would you be willing to get a second opinion?
Custom orthotics, nerve ablation, ShockWave, and PT can all help. Cortisone shots can weaken the structures if your foot and over time, cause more problems.
Tell me to buzz off if you and your doctor have already considered this. :)
I can ask. It’s been on and off for about 5 years (currently on, worsening over the year). I’ve done the orthodics (but should go back to that and Hokas for a few weeks). Not familiar with nerve ablation and ShockWave — can you tell me more about them?
I had a morton’s neuroma that kept me from hiking and really much walking for years. I tried everything – cortisone, alcohol sclerosing injections (painful and expensive, zero positive effect), orthotics etc. Then I finally caved and had the surgery. The surgeon said the neuroma was so big it just popped out when he made the incision. Waking up, it was like angels singing. The pain was gone. Three weeks later I walked 6 miles in Paris with no problem. (Of course not everyone has such as an easy/amazing time with the surgery, but just wanted to share my experience as everything I found online before the surgery were horror stories.)
Btw, my PT thinks the Hokas in part caused my neuroma. I lived in those, and they have a slight upturned toe, which can irritate the nerves over time. I don’t do Hokas any more (I have a budding neuroma on the other foot, but nowhere near as bad), and use Vionics for longer walks. I also make sure all my shoes have a wide toe box so my toes can spread out.
This was actually trendy not long ago; I would check Urban Outfitters or similar to see if there’s anything that you think would work for you.
Spendy and a know your office but… Prada has some great options. Their lug sole material is super light so you don’t feel like you are walking around with a brick all day (looking at you SW loafers).
I have to do a lot of panel presentations for work. Looking at some recent video interviews at a conference, I’m horrified. My hair looks so dry and frizzy. I’ve been dyeing it blonde and I feel like the color also didn’t look at all good–too brassy and uneven. I plan to go a bit darker to maybe a medium ash blonde. But that’s not going to fix my awful texture issue. I have naturally a little wave to my hair. I had straightened and. then done (apparently) a cruddy job with a curling iron. Can you give me your best hair advice? What products are you using? I feel like I need some better conditioning and my beloved Olaplex hair oil just wasn’t cutting it enough on its own.
Aside from the bleaching, I think this comes from fighting a wavy hair texture instead of working with it. Consider curly girl methods and moving away from the heat styling.
Those keratin treatments work like dream but you’ll never convince me they’re not absolutely awful for you and the person who applies it.
Barring them have to play around with heat styling and anti frizz products: creams, oils, shine spray, in shower glosses and conditioning products. Striking the right balance between enough product to fight the frizz and so much you look greasy has been a lifelong endeavor for me so I wish you the best of luck. Personally I think silicone is unfairly vilified.
I agree on the silicone.
+1 my fine, thin hair loves silicones
Use a hair mask!!! I use the JVN one once or twice a week and it makes my hair feel so silky. Abbey Yung has recommended many at different price points, so maybe look her up.
first – if you’re newly blonde your makeup has to shift for it. especially eyebrows.
second – are you new to dye in general? maybe others can help but i know there’s a lot of overlap between the curly shampoos/conditioners and the ones for dyed hair. there’s also purple shampoos to help with brassiness.
third – do you have a good leave-in conditioner? that and a msk will probably help. even just the cheapie Vo5 oil ones right before the shower.
i just saw a great review for the shark version of the revlon brush in the NYT.
I have wavy hair and what I do is blow dry the roots and my front pieces and then let the rest air dry in mini buns. I end up with soft loose waves and less frizz. I do use a hot brush on my front pieces to get them to cooperate (long bangs I usually tuck behind ears). I also use a leave in conditioner or other product currently going old school with frizz ease and some Moroccan oil on the ends. Rarely I will straighten my hair but 90 percent of the time I do not. Less heat will help I think.
I have wavy, coloured hair and for a long time, I thought I am taking great care of it by using Redken Acid Bonding range. But my hair was getting worse and after some AI search, I realized my hair was over-proteined and actually lacks moisture. I swapped my Redken conditioner for Matrix Food for Soft hair mask, leave it for 10mins and my hair is now soft and pliable. I do this with each wash (not just 1x week). I also apply Redken ABC leave-in to lengthd and ends and a generouse dose of ColorWow Dreamcoat spray and blow dry.
I am not saying this will work for your hair, just sharing what worked for me.
Thank you for this. I’ve been using bonding products (olaplex)—I wonder if that might be contributing. It feels so dry. I was also using an Oribe conditioner but it’s not cutting it. And some masks but haven’t found a good one.
I use curly hair methods to preserve my hair texture/integrity as much as possible, and then get a blowout before any presentation/video. That works because I only do about 10 of these types of events a year… obviously not as good a strategy if you do more.
Get yourself some purple shampoo/conditioner to combat that brass.
While we’re discussing wedding drama, here’s one from my extended family. Groom’s father is one of five siblings who are all really close, except that two of the five are not on speaking terms with each other. Each of the enemy aunts (we’ll call them Jane and Mary) have three adult children. Groom wants to see his cousins at his wedding, but if he invites Jane then Mary and her kids won’t come, and likewise if he invites Mary then Jane and her kids won’t come (the kids are all loyal to their moms). Groom’s father is trying to arrange a meeting with the five siblings so Jane and Mary can work it out before the wedding, but I have no hope that will work. The enmity goes back 40 years but is all low-level drama, not like abuse or anything. Two of Mary’s children already had weddings this year and Jane and her kids did not attend, so Groom and his family got to see the Mary cousins already, so he’s thinking maybe he just picks Jane’s side and only invites them. But that will not fly with the other siblings, who want a magical solution that brings peace. Obviously they should all suck it up for the sake of their adult children, but I doubt they will suddenly mature enough to do that.
My family doesn’t speak over a coffee table and like $1000. We are upper middle class so this is nothing to anyone involved. I invited all relatives to my wedding since I think it’s a dumb fight. Everyone showed up and behaved.
I think the only right answer is invite everyone and let them work it out. That’s what we did – I just could not absorb the baggage of a damaged relationship that predated my birth.
+1. Definitely invite them all.
I think it is a very bad idea to just invite aunt and her kids only. It will irrevocably burn the bridge with the other aunt and cousins IMO.
Correct. Or you could invite all the cousins (if they’re not involved in the fight) and leave out both warring aunts? Someone I know did that in a similar situation. But I would not choose between Mary/Mary’s children and Jane/Jane’s children, that absolutely feels like taking sides and will likely lead to a permanent rupture with the uninvited side.
Inviting one and not the other would really feel like taking sides. I’d invite them all because it’s their feud, not mine, and then I’d see who RSVPs.
If the adult children weren’t invested in the feud, I suppose inviting neither Jane nor Mary could be an option, but it sounds like they are.
Also I know some times it’s really just personalities and drama, but I’ve learned not to be too confident that there’s not more to it than low level drama.
Good luck with that!
In mine:
Nephew is one of 4 (original kids), now one of 7 (dad’s originals and 3 post-vasectomy reversal kids in diapers with wife #3 who is affair partner who broke up nephew’s parent’s marriage), or one of 12 (stepmom’s prior kids thrown in). Ex-BIL is one of 8ish (depending on if extramarital child/ren of the grandfather are counted or not; the siblings differ in their acknowledgement and acceptance of this). There are about 50 cousins on nephew’s dad’s side, none local. Nephew’s parents really struggle to be in the same room because the stepmom will start something or let the newest kids run amok.
I’m not expecting an invitation because nephew is young/poor and his immediate family is so large, but it wouldn’t surprise me if I’d get invited as a mom’s side person who will not start things (but my money is on they give up and elope and spend no money on a party that is 75% likely to be miserable). I think that the bride’s family wants a nice wedding but is terrified of how awful it could easily be.
Are the “kids” all adults? If so, then I’d invite everyone and let the chips fall. Any other option just invites more drama.
My friend had almost the same exact situation, and she invited everyone and let the chips fall. Most of the cousins did not come (which was hurtful for my friend, even as she pretty much expected it, since she was very close to a couple), but there turned out to be one cousin on each side who was fed up with their mothers’ drama, came, and seemed to have a nice time without all the others!
Invite all or none. Don’t take sides.
You might be able to get away with inviting the cousins but not the aunts. But then the cousins will probably be mad that their mom wasn’t invited. You could suggest to the cousins that you really want to see them and hope they will come even if mom doesn’t come because evil aunt is invited. Maybe aunts will bow out and kids will come.
Leave the feuding aunts out. Invite all of their children.
Also fine to invite both aunts, but I have very little tolerance for adults who can’t manage their own feelings and relationships to this degree.
We have complicated dynamics with generational trauma among my parents siblings and between generations as some of their children that have gone low contact as they get older. This is what works for my family – we do cousins only family reunions with none of my parents generation. Works wonderful and keeps my generation together. Weddings we just invite everyone and they sort it out among themselves. Funerals everyone puts everything aside. Perhaps we should do that for weddings, but its a work in progress.
I am very angry today at my best friend. I had a retina surgery yesterday and I heard from all the people important to me checking in. My best friend did not. It really annoyed me. Today I texted her a pic of me with my lovely eye patch and she made some joke about being a pirate. I texted back that it would have been nice for her to check in and that the surgery was a big deal.
I am mad about this! It’s not like I expected every single person in my life to check on me but she is my best friend and knew I was having this surgery! We talk and see each other all the time!
I feel like I am over reacting but I can’t help being angry about this!
She heard from you and interacted. I think you are being unreasonable. If you are young enough to be working still, she is probably working still also. That you had time to text a picture says that IRL you are fine. If you wanted more support, I think you needed to have used your words beforehand vs using your energy to get mad after.
+1
Seriously OP.
Grow up.
You are so lucky, and you don’t realize it.
This. Come on girl, grow up. This is how you lose great friends.
Is this completely out of character for your BFF? Like, has she consistently and voluntarily checked in with you during all similar times in the past? Or did you write a narrative in your own head about how she would act and now you are angry that she didn’t follow your uncommunicated wishes?
This is in character for her, so I think I must be angry about other important times she has done this. It just feels so insensitive!
I felt like I was told growing up not to bother people with forcing social interactions on people who are recovering from things. I know it’s just a text, but it’s the 2026 version of a check in where a sick person shouldn’t have to be bothered and should just have their peace. At least, that’s now I see it: me bothering someone when I should be letting them rest.
It would not even cross my mind to be mad about a friend not checking in over a surgery that is not cancer-related or the sort of thing where you can easily die on the operating table (like open heart surgery) or end up losing an organ or limb. Everyone who is healthy enough to make it to middle age will have some of these surgeries coming their way eventually.
Same. I had surgery to remove my gallbladder about 6 weeks after giving birth, and I don’t remember who, if anyone, checked in on my day of. I remember the friends who took me to the ER (both before the surgery and when I had a complication afterwards) and the friends who came to help out with the baby because my DH had already used all his leave.
It would not occur to me that a retina surgery was a big deal.
Is this more about how she texts, or does she breeze past things when you meet up in person? (I would feel differently if she never seemed aware of what was going on in my life at all vs. if she just is a different kind of texter from some people.)
Then, gently, I think this is a you-issue and not a her-issue. If you wanted her to call you on the day and you know that’s not her typical behavior, you would need to at least speak up and ask for what you want before you have any sound reason to take offense here.
Personally, surgery recovery can be awful and I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone that same day, even for an outpatient procedure. My closest family member can disseminate any relevant news to the appropriate people, and the grapevine can take over from there. Let me sleep off the meds before I have to be coherent to anyone.
Is it possible that she was waiting until today to check in, for some reason? Maybe something going on in her life, or knowing you’d be getting lots of check in texts day of, and not wanting to add one more to the pile? I understand being hurt but I would try to assume good intentions. Has she responded to your message that it would have been nice for her to check in?
If she knew you were having the surgery, and you talk and see each other all the time, I wonder if she didn’t feel as great a need to check in compared to other people who did ask how it went?
I understand feeling hurt or disappointed (my friend didn’t realize this was a big deal to me; my friend didn’t want to proactively reach out to make sure I was okay; my friend possibly doesn’t care about me the way I thought she did), but I’m not sure I understand feeling annoyed or angry (I’m not sure what interpretation of your friend’s choices these feelings imply… like it was on purpose or something?).
I think you’re overreacting. Some people don’t *want* check in texts right after surgery – I could easily imagine being your friend, and thinking I was matching your vibe by responding to your text (which was just the next day! but not initiating day of
Yeah, it’s okay to feel what you feel, but your friend did nothing wrong and most likely had the best of intentions.
A lot of people don’t put their phones on silent and I feel like my texts are often a nuisance so I try to limit them, especially after a medical thing or when there is a new baby. I have gone back to sending a card, since they are silent.
This also feels like the kind of scenario where a therapist would say “phones work both way.” It’s fine to send an update after the surgery instead of waiting for a check in!
+1.
This is a good point. It was eye-related surgery. She may well have reasonably assumed OP didn’t want to try to read her phone.
do you know if she had anything going on that day?
I always say “I don’t do sad — I do mad!” Any chance that describes you? She let you down and that hurts. Me personally, I’d presume good intentions and give her grace. And if I decided to bring it up to her, I’d do it in the context of “Wow, I was surprised at how much it hurt my feelings when you didn’t call or text on the day of my surgery!” instead of “this was a big deal and you failed me.”
This is really good advice. Thank you SA.
I had a tumor removed from the area between the internal ear and brain and I don’t think that many people even knew. My husband was my support person and driver and it wasn’t something I broad cast, let alone expected check-ins and cards for. IDK how we are supposed to have major or potentially major life events, but I try to have things that go as planned not be things to end important friendships over.
Was this life threatening surgery—in any way? If not, let it go. No one needs this level of check in.
Agreed. I’m wondering how old OP is because I feel like by 30ish most people know someone who’s had at least a cancer scare or a major surgery, and outpatient surgery for a non life-threatening ailment is just seen as nbd.
I don’t know if I would check in on the day of a surgery — it’s surgery! I would check the following day to make sure my friend is ok, but if I am not at the hospital with her (and I knew that she had someone there to advocate) I would assume that checking in right after surgery would be a burden rather than helpful. I certainly have not appreciated when folks checked in on me immediately after a procedure and preferred some time to recover first.
You are overreacting. Surgery is scary and feels big in the moment. But it’s also not the sort of thing everyone stops for. Maybe it’s my age so lots of surgeries around me or that I’m a cancer survivor whose been through some gnarly stuff , but in the grand scheme it is odd to expect what you’re expecting yet alone act mad. She clearly was trying to make light with the patch. Gallows humor.
Totally Ok and understandable to be disappointed. But bad form to lash out.
I would be annoyed too. So I want to validate your feelings in that.
But you also say this isn’t out of character for her. I think maybe this is a price of admission issue. Is it something you’re willing to tolerate in a BFF? If not then maybe it’s time to downgrade her.
You’re absolutely overreacting. You’re an adult. This is an outpatient surgery. It may be a big deal to you, but in the grand scheme of health things, it is not something that obviously would require check ins and emotional support (unless it was for cancer or you have lost vision in that eye as a result). The pirate joke is funny.
You’re overreacting. We’re all the starts of our own shows. She might have had a wicked day with real issues that popped up. Your surgery was a totally routine nothing-burger. Let it go.
I don’t think you’re overreacting for feeling hurt, but you may need to reframe how you expect your best friend to show up and how you show up. As you acknowledged, often we are hurt because we expect people to show up in the way we need without sharing those expectations with them. I think separating it out from this situation and later asking for what you need from your best friend is going to have a better result.
I think the right way to ask in this scenario isn’t “I would feel more supported if you kept track of what was going on in my life and made sure to check in when I’m expecting it.”
I think it’s “hey I just got out of surgery!! it went great, thankfully!”
Sitting and stewing, waiting on a message, is like testing somebody and then getting mad when they fail.
I think you are overreacting. Why does she need to check in right away? With stuff like this I feel like it’s better to send an update if you want people to know how things went afterward. Otherwise it kind of seems like pestering?
I’m shocked by the responses here.
I don’t think it’s too much to expect your best friend to send at least a text during a major medical event (retina surgery is usually to save vision!!). Your anger is valid and I hope best friend apologized.
I’ve never been sure what it adds to friendships to have a lot of expectations. I don’t know that I feel like my friends owe me things like this, even if I would appreciate them. I would feel nice about it if people who aren’t my friends at all decided to be my friends too, but I can’t make them! To me one of the nice things about friendships as opposed to other kinds of relationships that I also value is that they’re entirely voluntary and lower pressure. Friends are people I can commiserate with about all the expectations in the other relationships in our lives!
Would be grateful for any hair advice. For years I did blond highlights in my brown hair 3 to 4 times per year and it looked great. Now my base is turning grey. Blond highlights over grey and brown looks like a mess. Hairdresser’s idea was to put a warm toner over the blond/ grey which is only marginally successful. Low lights oxidize to red in 2 weeks and look awful. Any lowish maintenance ideas to look less bad? TIA.
potentially dual process – all over dye to cover the grays, then highlights.
I think your stylist is using toner the wrong way. If anything you should be going cooler to blend in with the gray. But when highlights alone aren’t enough it’s time for single process color at your roots. Balayage layered over that will prevent the stark line of demarcation.
Find a different stylist and tell them this.
Or for lowest maintenance, make peace with your natural color.
Following for advice as my hair sounds the same as yours. My hairstylist once suggested a “gloss” could help tone down the greys, but is only semi permanent. Has anyone tried this?
Mothers of college kids: do you do something fun for you after you pack them off freshman year, like spa day or a trip? I feel like I’m due for a Rumspringa or something between move-in in August and the parents’ weekend sometime next October. Ideally, I’d do something like a Bolletieri tennis camp for 3.0 menopausal women players, but what else is there?
I enjoyed the sudden unfettered access to our single bathroom and washing machine.
Women’s only learn to surf camp, somewhere where you have lessons a few hours a day with a cohort has always sounded fun to me
This is my dream.
Mine is not there yet but I want to! In my fantasies I will train and hike in the Himalayas. More realistically, I will go to a spa.
I did not, but maybe I should have. I just spent a year randomly feeling waves of sadness that the best part of my life was now over. In retrospect, I would have been better served by planning some fun events, something other than, “Oh, great, now I can work more.” So, yes, schedule something, take up a new hobby or go on a trip somewhere that you will be busy (as opposed to the beach, for instance).
“the best part of my life was now over”
Maybe not! My mom seems to be enjoying grandparenthood more than parenthood. It’s all the fun parts with less of the hard stuff!
Wedding drama day! I have a juicy one. My fiance and I are getting married at a destination wedding and are covering everyone’s hotel for 3 nights ($400 to $1,000+ per room per night). An acquaintance’s sister coincidentally is getting married at a nearby hotel.
This acquaintance found out some of her friends are attending our wedding. These friends don’t know her sister, and were not invited to her wedding. But since they will be in the city anyway (transported there on our dime from the airport, staying on our dime at our resort, and budgeted for F&B headcount), the acquaintance has been trying to get people to skip events at our wedding to come hang out at her sister’s.
One of the people she asked did a compromise and said he’d go for morning runs with acquaintance’s husband. But the wife of another couple texted us “Hey, going to go to Sally’s sister’s wedding for one event, so will just RSVP no for that one. Which one can I skip?” We didn’t respond, as none of the events are skippable to us so we weren’t sure what to say. She followed up again the next day saying “Hey again! Which event can I skip?” We told her the only one that would be appropriate to skip would be the welcome dinner, which we still felt weird about (basically we will be paying $500 for her hotel room that night for her to go to someone else’s wedding party.).
Anyway, fast-forward to now, she is now saying she still doesn’t know which events she will skip, as she is still trying to decide. I felt we made it clear that the only event we were okay wtih being skipped would be the welcome dinner, but it obviously didn’t matter to her. She doesn’t even know the other bride nor was she invited to the wedding.
Fast-forward, we are finalizing RSVPs since we are six weeks
Her behavior is unbelievably rude, but you should also tell her directly that you’re not covering her hotel for nights she’s not attending your wedding events.
Yeah, I think I would be tempted to do this too!
Is this a close friend?
Honestly, she should have just done her thing without trying to get your blessing. (Plenty of things are skippable outside of the ceremony.)
Not when the bride and groom are hosting your hotel! If you’re paying your own way, sure.
Agree. And I suspect this is a very small destination wedding, where guests were carefully chosen, as it is extremely expensive for the OP as she is paying for each one!
I can’t imagine expecting people to spend 4 days on my wedding. That’s a crazy amount of time.
I can in this circumstance. She’s paying for their trip, more or less. If it wasn’t a destination wedding bankrolled by the couple, I would agree. But I assume given OP’s financial investment in guests’ attendance that this is a relatively small, intimate wedding and invites are given to close family and friends. Lots of destination weddings easily turn into weekend or weekend long events because people are traveling a long way to an unfamiliar place. I am sure there are opportunities for guests to go and explore the place, but skipping OP’s wedding events for another person’s wedding is just rude.
OP here – it’s 2 days, but we are covering 3 nights at the resort.
“Sad to hear you won’t be able to join us after all. Since you are skipping our events, we will have the hotel remove your reservation from our room block.”
You need to use your words and just say that you are really excited to celebrate with them and would be hurt if they chose to skip in this way. Also, you should tell the mutual friend to knock it off. I completely agree with the other poster that it would be reasonable to only pay for their accommodations on days they attend events for your wedding – so if they skip they would pay for that night themselves (but you should communicate that ASAP).
I’m sorry but wtf is wrong with people. you are very generously paying for guests to attend your wedding, not to attend or hang out with ppl from another wedding they weren’t invited to.
We are going to my brother in laws wedding this weekend. It’s a black tie high budget wedding. Whole family including 2 kids are in the wedding. There has been no communication. Two weeks ago future SIL (who i truly adore as a person) texted me to ask mine and kids PJ size and I missed her text bc kids had been sick, I’d been up half the night and was trying to work and she was annoyed when i didn’t respond right away. If youve been engaged for a year and a half why are you waiting until 2 weeks prior to order personalized getting ready PJs. DH learned on Wednesday that he needs a black bow tie. I was informed today (we leave today) that we are actually getting ready for the wedding at the venue which is 25 min away from the hotel, rather than the hotel, which is totally fine, but this involves me packing an extra bag to use to schlep all of our stuff (my two kids are flower girls), there is a rehearsal dinner but we weren’t sure if there is a rehearsal before but are trying to figure out what to do beforehand with the kids who can’t just sit around all day, and when we asked, they said that they weren’t sure (now we know there is none but this was like a week before). I still don’t know what time we are supposed to arrive at the venue to get ready and my MIL told DH that we cannot ask any questions. Again, if this was just me i wouldn’t care, but with two kids, one of whom has anxiety and adhd and does soooooo much better when she has some idea of what to expect, this is causing me a lot of anxiety as i can’t answer any of her questions. I have no clue if the ceremony is inside or outside.
In retrospect i know i was not a perfect bride and did some things that 41 year old me is a bit mortified that 25 year old me cared about, but i will say that our main priority was making attending our wedding as logistically easy and as inexpensive as possible for our guests.
I am very sorry that your friends are behaving this way. Weddings do truly bring out the worst in people.
I saw this on the Reddit r/bigbudgetbrides forum too. And the updates. Following closely on both forums now! Puh-leeeze make sure to take attendance at all your sub-events and let us know which ones she skips!
This is 100% rude of your friend. But that said, even though you’re paying for everyone’s accommodations, I would expect some of your guests to skip some of your events just as a warning! Three days/nights of events is a lot, and some people will likely want to do their own thing at least part of the time.