Weekend Open Thread
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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I always think blouses like this one from Ann Taylor are so pretty.
There's something so romantic about a wide lace, either under a blazer or just with jeans or trousers on the weekend. I like that you can adjust the sexiness also — swapping out an opaque camisole for a nude-for-you camisole, for example (or, heck, just wearing it with a bra and going totally sheer).
This pretty blue one is new at Ann Taylor, available in regular and petites, for $118 — and it also comes in white.
Sales of note for 8/1/25 (Happy August!):
- Nordstrom – The Anniversary Sale is open for everyone — here's our roundup! (ends 8/3)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off wear-now styles + $50 off dresses and shoes + extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – Up to 60% off plus extra 10% off sale — final reductions
- Eloquii – $19+ select styles + extra 45% off all sale
- Evereve – Sale on sale (thru Sunday)
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off summer styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew Factory – 60% off everything and extra 60% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – 25% off all previous flash sale items! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Rothy's – Final Few: up to 50% off
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – 40% off one item + 25% off your entire purchase + extra 50% markdowns on top of that
Resources for someone just starting to consider home ownership? Or buying a condo?
Like a basic ELI5 guide to mortgages, finding places, deciding downpayment, steps that happen for loans and getting to the keys in hand.
Theres so many resources out there Im looking for like a basic primer or 101 to start with.
How house buying works feels like a thing I should know by now but I dont.
single, early 30s, and renting 750ish sq ft in a mcol city. Id love a 2nd bedroom for an office or craftroom and I think my life is starting to outgrow my current place. I’ve been in this same rental since 2018. I have a nest egg set aside thats about 40k right now in a HYS (seperate from retirement and personal investment accounts), and my parents have offered help on a downpayment when I’m ready.
Maybe it’s silly but I bought House Buying for Dummies before we bought our first home and I thought it was actually pretty useful!
Same.
Same!
Banks and credit unions offer excellent first-time homebuyers classes. I’d start there. Some will even shave a bit off your interest rate if you take a class. You don’t have to commit to anything, but it may be a good way to spend a few hours to figure out the process and where the gaps are in your knowledge.
I wish we could know what’s going on with interest rates.
This isn’t something to worry too much about. If they later go up, then you locked in at the right time. If they go down, you can refinance to a lower rate (with some grief and costs).
Caveat–worry if you got an ARM – adjustable rate mortgage. If you got a traditional fixed rate mortgage, you can do what the poster above suggests.
ARMs can wreak havoc by causing your payments to skyrocket once the payment amount adjusts, a few years down the line.
Is it just me or do all of the gauzy/stretch linen styles just get huge throughout the day? I bought a pair of pants too small at JJill that at least were cropped because usually the wide leg ones are dragging, and now those are huge everywhere.
I find all of my clothing made from natural fibers gets somewhat bigger during the day. Especially denim, with or without “stretch”/spandex content. I buy my pants to be tight in the dressing room for this reason because I hate having to hitch them up during the day.
I have a pair of linen/tencel blend shorts that gets dramatically bigger. 100% linen seems a bit more consistent. Cotton definitely stretches a bit, but I dry everything on high, so it also shrinks in the dryer.
Welcome to linen.
Yes, my linen pants do this.
I’m still bothered by that thread the other day (congrats OP on your “lit match” approach). I don’t understand the end game for the people who keep announcing that sleep training (separate from any other problems in the home) is abusive. If you think that, you presumably support removing those kids, putting them into CPS custody, and launching criminal investigation of the parents. When I picture the loving, dedicated parents I know who sleep trained (my parents among them) and I think of their happy, well-rested children developing and growing normally, the thought that foster care is what’s best for them is so foreign as to be absurd. I’m not sure how many millions of kids would be removed from their parents, but safe to say it’s a lot. Do you really support this? If you do, then I’ll conclude it’s a strange, strange world. If you don’t, maybe you should stop using the word abusive.
Congrats, you’re also lighting a match
Wut
I think humans across the board damage their children. It’s ok to state that. It’s even ok to say some sleep training methods are barbaric. It doesn’t mean “the state” would be any better at raising kids. It just means that there will be some consequence to it and it’s no good pretending there won’t be.
The question isn’t if the state would be better at raising kids, but whether it should take custody no matter how good or bad it is because the parents are abusive. If a parent beats a child senseless, CPS removes the child immediately and figures out placement later. If sleep training is abusive, shouldn’t the same standard apply?
There are many abusive practices that do not get kids removed from homes; conversion therapy is one example.
The fact that you keep dodging the question is telling enough.
That is not a dodge of the question, and I’m also not the person you were replying to originally. But girl. If you think CPS takes custody of all abused children, you either don’t understand abuse or you don’t understand CPS.
There are abusive behaviors that are illegal, and abusive behaviors there are not. Beating your kids is illegal. Letting them cry is not.
It’s not the abuse itself that’s illegal, because that can range from bearings to the silent treatment. Both damage, but kids are only protected from one of those things.
You clearly have no idea how bad a home has to be before CPS will remove. Involvement and removal are two different things.
So in the case of sleep training, CPS should get involved but maybe not remove? Open the investigation, interview and observe the parents, talk to teachers and the doctor, etc.?
I am that poster and I’m sorry. I was being a little facetious with the lit match wording, because it had been a spicy day and I was playing off the previous threads. And I clearly sent us off on a tangent…I am surprised by the fact that people are so quick to accuse spouses of abuse, and act as though yelling is a fireable offense. AND YET they also accept that yelling at kids happens because parents are humans who sometimes lose their cool (or doing whatever is so egregious when your spouse does it). So I was wondering about that double standard.
To your question, I also didn’t say sleep training was abusive! I think there are a lot of problems with forms of CIO, which is what I wrote. And I stand by it in relation to my question, because if your spouse ignored you and let you cry for 30 min when you wanted their attention the women here would go crazy.
But there are myriad kinds of sleep training, different strokes for different families, etc.
This board is very DTMF, no matter what mitigating factors might exist, even for a first offense (which is why I left of the final A). When you see it, and it doesn’t seem reasonable, move on.
I completely understood what you meant, cheek included! I think sometimes people just take things too personally. I feel like it’s impossible to not offend people sometimes. Sometimes I want to just shout “this isn’t being said AT you!” to people.
Also, as someone who both yells at my kids sometimes and has tried sleep training unsuccessfully, I totally appreciated the question. It’s a valid point for discussion, especially in this very DTMFA-happy environment. I’ll also admit to a brief moment of self reflexive panic when I thought about your question! Did I cause my daughter’s current prickliness by trying and failing to sleep training for 2-3 nights? Maybe? But then I remembered that no one is perfect and I am just trying to do my best. I feel much guiltier, fwiw, that I had a really toxic job during Covid that became so impossible to manage that I yelled way more than I should have while trying to WFH and home school and I feel like we really broke norms that are still being fixed. But all I can do is repair and continue to try to be better.
i think you have to do a bit of sleep training to get your kid to sleep through the night — but if you paid me a million dollars i don’t think i could scream/sob at the top of my lungs for 90 minutes straight the way my kid did one night. (we decided we were way too early and stopped.)
See, now I don’t know how you were able to do that for 90 minutes. 9 minutes is more my personal limit.
And what method is it that says to let your kid scream for 90 minutes? I used the Ferber method, 17 years ago, and you don’t leave them there screaming. At certain timed intervals you are supposed to check in on them. Starts as a calming touch, then in room verbal affirmations, then out of the room verbal comfort. Etc.
when you are truly losing your mind from sleep deprivation your limits change
You literally don’t have to CIO. From direct personal experience with my own 3. There are tons of ways to get babies and toddlers to sleep through the night that don’t involve leaving them to cry by themselves in a room and no, those methods don’t mean to have to co-sleep or lie in bed with them or rock them for hours.
My BFF did CIO sleep training. I don’t think she’s a bad mom but she did have to retrain numerous times. I don’t know anyone who did CIO who did not have to retrain their kids multiple times after illnesses or vacations.
It’s like anything. There are lots of different ways to do stuff. My kids potty trained at almost 3 years but were day and night trained at the same time within a week for both #1 and 2 vs friends who trained early but had major battles with #2 and nighttime from ages 2 to 4. There’s no one way to do any of this parenting stuff as long as you generally approach it with love and kindness.
Sleep training worked for both my kids and we didn’t have to retrain. You are over generalizing and don’t know what you are talking about beyond your own specific situation.
Same here. It took 2 nights for each kid with less than 20 min per night. And I was encouraged to do it by my own family lore about my mom sleep training me in one night with 1 hour of crying when my dad was out of town. I can absolutely say that whatever my (very mild) problems with my parents are, I have always felt loved and cared for by them.
People in that thread said that extinction methods are abusive, not that gentle sleep training is abusive. You can agree or disagree with the use of the word “abusive,” but be clear about what people were objecting to, which is the extreme end of the practice.
Millions of families used/used extinction methods. They’re extremely popular because they work the fastest and result in far less crying than either doing nothing or non-CIO methods, which most parents like.
Yes, and people in that thread were saying that the methods that involve leaving a wailing 6 month old alone for 30+ minutes with no help are abusive.
Agree, everyone said the Ferber method at 7 days is extremely unreasonable, but that the Ferber method has a high chance of being successful in just 2-3 days, when the crying time before being comforted is quite short.
The Ferber method doesn’t recommend abandoning a crying child for 30 solid minutes either.
Right, but the person I’m replying to is talking about extinction, and someone else just mentioned letting a baby cry for 90 minutes straight. So I think you agree that extinction methods are not ideal, and I’m confused why you’re ignoring two comments where people are saying they did them.
(Also, no judgment to the woman whose baby wailed for 90 minutes!!! We also tried a longer stretch of letting a baby cry before we realized she just wasn’t old enough for the skill set. I think it’s something a lot of people try and realize “oh man, this kiddo isn’t ready for that yet.” I’m talking about the people who say “just keep pushing past that” like the person upthread here).
Apparently it does at 7 days. I don’t have my copy of the book anymore (because I gave it away to a young parent who practically begged for it), so I can’t check. I bought another copy used for my daughter because she also wanted it with her first baby.
Day 7 of the Ferber method includes 30 minute check-ins, and again, someone literally two comments up is advocating for an extinction method, which involves no checkins.
Whyyyyyyyyyy would you stir this up again
I acknowledge that I’m not helping the overall peace here, but I genuinely want to know the answer. I know people in my own life who choose not to do CIO because it’s not right for them and that’s fine. I don’t know that many IRL who use the word “abusive,” but I see it being thrown around so casually here. Either people truly think it’s morally abhorrent and requires removal from the home or they’re adding a layer of drama to their judgement of other parents and I want to know which.
You are wildly out of touch with what CPS does and doesn’t remove for and what abuse is and isn’t. Calling your teenage daughter a bitch is abusive, but CPS isn’t taking that kid.
Oh, I know what abuse is and isn’t. Breaking a baby’s fingers while he nurses and slamming his head into concrete is abusive. The pediatrician on that case had to take a leave of absence after reviewing the scans. A baby crying for 20 minutes while parents observe on the monitor and then everyone sleeps the next night is…not.
You have weird energy for a Friday, girl. Go have a margarita.
Parent here who didn’t do CIO because when I tried it *I* felt like it was abusive. For me.
Agree that CPS would not remove children for this.
People are getting hung up on what CPS does do, but should be answering what it should do.
What CPS “should” do in a utopia where there are millions of loving adults ready to take in millions of children whose parents care about them and are doing their best, but decided to let them cry one night. Give me a break.
Why on earth should we put ourselves out answering a hypothetical with no basis in reality?
Ah – judgment on an anonymous internet board – who would believe that happens? ;)
Why. People be cray that’s the answer
Please look at your first sentence and read it several more times.
You acknowledge that you’re stirring up trouble but you genuinely want to know.
Sometimes, you deal with some intellectual unrest so that you don’t cause this type of emotional unrest in others. That’s a basic part of maturity.
There are a LOT of things that I want to know, but I don’t ask when it distresses people. My curiousity isn’t more important than social graces.
An anonymous message board where people can collapse the thread and scroll by is the perfect place for these types of questions!
This is a very good comment.
What is abuse and what CPS acts on are totally different things. My upperclass parents who provided me a fully stocked kitchen in a clean house but we’re literally never home, did not cook for me, made me learn how to take transit at 10 and book all my own appointments were certainly abusive, but when the school called CPS on them they passed the inspection with flying colors.
Sometimes you gotta JSFAMO, girl!
I have been puzzling over this acronym for the past several minutes — someone please tell me what this means 😂
Just say FOOEY and move on!
https://corporette.com/vocabulary-and-acronyms/
Oh man, it’s one of the oldest acronyms here. Let me see if I can write it out without getting mudded.
I forgot about FOOEY!
I needed this on a Friday afternoon. This and a margarita.
Can we just go back to discussing linen pants?
Amen.
A lot of people seem to be misunderstanding (or deliberately misrepresenting) what the extinction method is. It doesn’t mean you close the door and don’t come back no matter what you hear. It means you close the door, observe on the baby monitor, and don’t return to the room at prescribed check-in intervals. You would absolutely still go back to the room if something dangerous were happening, if a diaper change was needed, or the baby was in serious distress (e.g., vomiting); you just don’t go in at 5, 10, 15 minutes by default. Are there parents out there who shut the door, get high on meth, and never look in again? Sure. We’re not talking about truly neglectful parents, though. We’re talking about the population of involved parents that chooses to sleep train because they believe it will be beneficial to their babies. Some are comfortable with short windows of crying if it means less crying later on; some aren’t.
I haven’t sleep trained because my baby sleeps pretty well through no real action on my part, but I would if I needed to. I’d probably choose Ferber.
People aren’t misunderstanding that. Allowing a child to cry for 30+ minutes without comfort is what we are all discussing, not, like, a parent not intervening if a child is choking or has pooped or whatever.
Clearly you haven’t experienced going in to “comfort” and actually prolonging the crying. My baby skews pretty independent and sometimes just wants us to F off so he can settle himself. Other times, he’s all about the contact nap. There’s no one “comforting is the way” approach that works for all babies.
Yup.
If your kid isn’t asleep after 30 minutes of crying, your bedtime is too early or your kid is not developmentally ready for falling asleep alone. Either way, go kiss your baby.
Can we please stop with this “go kiss your baby” nonsense? It’s extremely passive aggressive and not useful to anyone in the thick of parenting young children. I’m not the previous poster and didn’t sleep train my kids (unless you count letting them fuss for 5 minutes to settle as sleep training), but I’m sure her baby is not wanting for love.
Sure. Don’t kiss your baby. But do re-evaluate the bedtime, because a baby who is awake and mad about it for 30 minutes is a baby who is being put in bed too early.
Yeah, “go kiss your baby” is about as helpful as “enjoy every moment mama!” when the mom is struggling to keep it together on 47 minutes of sleep.
OK, don’t kiss your baby! But seriously, if your kid is awake and mad about it for 30+ minutes, your bedtime needs to be looked at, because your kid probably isn’t tired enough for that bedtime to be the right bedtime.
Clearly, my first attempt making that comment disappeared into the ether, so sorry for the double comment!
My take is that people get really weird about infant parenting. Mostly parents judging other parents who have made different but acceptable choices about feeding and sleeping. It’s probably a control thing. Honestly, in a decade of parenting I’ve watched the know it all EBF and co sleeping crowd seriously humbled by the complex realities of parenting older kids. The same people who judged us for those things have not proven to be great parents, at least in my eyes, as their kids grew. Not that my opinion matters, but it’s much more fashionable to sh*t on women who sleep train than those who actually damage their kids at later stages.
Yeah, I think this is true. There’s a lot of “I would NEVER” and not a lot of acknowledgement that other people make different choices because their lives and needs are different. You can’t say you would never do what another parent is doing when you aren’t in their shoes. You may have hopes and plans, but they’re just that.
Agree. Sleep training, including extinction method, is backed by tons of legitimate research. We turned to this method as a last resort when nothing else was working and my baby would only fall asleep in her baby swing (which is not safe sleep). I was about to lose my mind from lack of sleep too and my marriage was fracturing because of the strain. Sleep training was very hard but it worked, and she is a happy well-adjusted kid. If you get lucky and don’t need to go this route, that’s fortunate. But withhold judgement please.
If you’re confident in your choices, the opinions of others don’t matter.
Oh STFU anon at 5:05. Of course people don’t like being called abusive, no matter how confident they are.
They don’t matter, but why should she or anyone else be subject to unkindness? It’s like getting fat by some dumb jock – doesn’t matter to your self-confidence but not nice to hear.
I mean, I’m fat, and if someone tells me I’m fat, I’m like… yeah, I am. Because I am.
I agree.
Eh, I sleep trained my oldest at 12 months with Ferber. It “worked” in that he went to sleep very easily, but still didn’t sleep through the night for another year+. And when I think back on it, I feel a lot of guilt. It was an unsettling experience and making him cry was (lowercase-t) traumatic for both of us, I think. I couldn’t do that to my subsequent kids, and accepted that I have crap sleepers, but preserving our connection and attending to their (legitimate) needs even at the expense of my own sleep is more important to me.
So I’m the opposite of your example – I was all ready to sleep train and gave a side eye to the “attachment” types. But trying it made me realize I want to take a different approach and I do think it was harmful to our relationship to some degree.
(And I’m not calling it “abuse”, if you get that from my post then you need to make your peace with your own choices.)
Good for you! I know lots of women who felt their connections with their kids improved (sometimes drastically) when they sleep trained and got some sleep, and with no harm to the relationship. It’s very individual. You need to do what’s best for your family, as long as your needs don’t always come last, of course.
Has anyone done a magnesium soak? I got some ads for something that started with an F today, but there are a lot of similar things on Amazon.
I haven’t, but isn’t that basically what taking a bath in epsom salt is?
Yes, but epsom salts cost less.
That’s what epsom salts are. Just go buy some at the drugstore, you don’t need to pay an Instagram brand markup.
What does an epsom salt bath do for one? I have heard of doing this but I’m not sure why … do you rinse off the salt after the bath? Does it dry your skin out? I have questions!
It just helps your body absorb a mineral. I do it once a week or if I’m sore. I don’t particularly enjoy baths, so only soak for a few minutes, rinse off with water in the shower and put on my pajamas. It’s fine. Not life changing.
It’s, like, $4 for a giant bag, you could experiment at home :)
Thanks. I don’t mind experimenting, just wanted to know how and why other people do this.
Coincidentally, I just bought a bag of Epsom salts last week just to experiment with after scrubbing off some calluses, so I’ll share if you want — I think 98% is “soaking my feet and stretching my toes in hot water feels nice”. Also there’s some pleasant scent in the salts too. I was surprised that the instructions didn’t say to wash it off, but it doesn’t seem to dry out my feet – maybe because skin moisture is really more about oil/there’s not actual water to pull out? and I have noticed my skin doesn’t wrinkle up, like it would in plain water (pulling from high school chem here, but I’m thinking that could be because the water+salt is already a solution – and therefore it’s less attractive for the oils in your skin to dissolve in to).
Yes. I find magnesium flakes help more than Epsom salts for sores and it really helps me sleep well. I love it. I pick up whatever my natural grocery store has on sale.
Mean to say for sore muscles rather than sores.
I’ve done magnesium flakes and they seem about the same as epsom salts.
Yes! It might have been placebo effect but the prima brand had me almost sleeping in the bath. I don’t love the dr. Teals that everyone raves about. Fwiw any hot bath before bed is pretty amazing for sleep for me.
I have a leather purse that has rigid sides, like the leather is reinforced from within. It has a noticeable “pockmark” where it was dented. Can I do anything to fix this? I don’t think so, since the leather isn’t scratched. Beat it up so that the whole bag is now “distressed”? It’s otherwise a nice bag.
I would take it to a shoe/leather repair shop and see what they can do.
I posted the other day about having to get rid of my Danskos because I keep twisting my ankle in them/falling off of them. I was looking for less ankle-twisty options.
Thanks for the recommendations. Someone recommended Ecco so I bought these
https://us.ecco.com/product/ecco-flowt/273713/01688?gQT=1
They’re good. The sole feels like a sneaker, which is what I was looking for. I went and got a new pedicure and think they look cute. I asked my 22 year old daughter if they’re too orthopedic looking but she says all the women her age at work are wearing similar styles.
I also bought Dansko “Mae” mary janes, which have more of a birkenstock style sole vs the traditional Dansko rocker sole, which is what I was falling off of.
I already have sneakers and two styles of slip on Birks, so this was really just to add another option for what to wear instead of those, a slot that used to be filled by my old Dansko “Tiffany” and “Tiana” styles. I literally fell over while crossing a busy street (unfortunately was not rescued by Trey MacDougal!) so I knew it was time to make a change.
That was me, glad you’re liking them!
Thanks for the tip!
I have those and they were perfect for a two week trip to Italy where I was racking up 15K+ steps. Unfortunately, if you read the reviews they are prone to cracks in the soles. After two years that happened with mine but I loved them so much I bought a new pair.
Help me understand 2025 colleges. When I went, I lived in a dorm as a freshman, with just other freshmen. Now, I’m touring with my teen and I keep hearing about LLCs — living learning communities. I feel like I need a primer — is this for non-freshmen? Or do freshmen mix with others (like the Engineering or Health Careers LLCs or language-specific LLCs)? Does it help (study groups, chatting about internships and hiring pipelines)? Or is it just a big fad? I was an RA my 3 other college years, so always in a dorm, but our dorms at my state U were just general-population housing (not much off-campus in our town near the undergraduate campus).
I don’t think it’s a fad, because that’s technically what the dorms were called when I was a freshman in 2006. But in reality, they’re just dorms full of young adults who are going to do young adult things.
These seem like questions that would be better answered by the tour guides at the various schools than this board…
You would think!
The student guides we have had in our tours are generally great. But tours seem to really go on (2 hours or more) and IMO always get bogged down on how kids do and pay for and need to have supplies for laundry. I feel like kids will figure this out and isn’t what you go visit for. As a former student and future parent, it’s largely for a vibe check and also checking out what a place is like immediately off campus.
My husband, who double-majored in varsity sportsball and fraternity, was super anxious about the minute logistics. If the tour guides hadn’t answered questions like “how do they do laundry” and “how do they get to the airport” and “what do they do with their stuff over the summer” to his satisfaction he would not have been willing to let our daughter go. He didn’t care about vibes or academics or campus culture or anything else, just “how does she actually DO this?” and “how much does it really cost?” So answering those questions can be useful.
I’m amazed that they can discuss price on a tour. It’s like here is the sticker price but who knows what the cost to you will actually be.
There were learning communities when I started college in 1998! Not a new thing at all.
I work at a university. LLCs are a way to connect students with each other. The data indicates that students who live on campus and feel connected do better academically and are less likely to drop out. It is a way of structuring communities so that students live in the same residence halls (sometimes the same floor) and take (usually) at least two classes together. This is usually just for first year students to help them adjust to college life.
How do the logistics of this work? From what I recall, upperclassman pick classes and dorms the year prior. Freshman must have to pick classes soon after the put down their deposit to claim a spot in a freshman class and then from that the dorm assignments are generated? Maybe I can see it in a freshman-only dorm. It might help engineering students and ones where it’s really important to find a homework group right away.
when i was in college there were some regular dorms and some “themed” dorms for various specific interests, like one dorm was more for the theater people and one dorm more for the film and journalism people. maybe this is just a themed dorm? just guessing i’m going to need a primer in a few years
Theoretically I see a “future finance bro” LLC (or similar ones) as beneficial to someone who is first-generation to college or first-generation to the professional field so that they can gain knowledge from upperclassmen and Chadwicks and Tradwicks who have parents or family in the field when they visit (does everyone take student + roommate + a few other friends to diner when they visit?). I learned a ton that way — freshman roommate’s father was a lawyer, which I wanted to be; BF’s dad worked for Big Pharma, also interesting; BFF’s dad worked on Capitol Hill. All good to hear them talk. I get how an LLC is supposed to be very intentional, but I feel that it’s often aspirational at best and not something I’d use to pick a college from now. You learn from your close connections and you still really have to make a point of making them.
I work at a State U. Learning communities are typically more focused around a particular academic (or at least vaguely academic) interest whereas dorms are just random groups of people. Yes they often help with internships and jobs. At my U they are primarily for freshmen although there are some the upperclassmen can join. At a State U it’s a good way to emulate the SLAC experience within a big university.
The colleges you’re looking at probably have brochures, websites and videos about this.
This makes sense: At a State U it’s a good way to emulate the SLAC experience within a big university.
I knew someone who went to Yale back when you could buy college-specific stationery to write letters on (maybe you still can, but I am pretty sure that no undergrad writes letters home in 2025). That always seemed so cool to me.
I also work at a college and this is not only not a fad, it’s been done since the 1970s (even if not at your college or not where you lived). It can be a way to create community, particularly among folks who have traditionally found it difficult to find communities (first-generation students, etc). It can be an academic model, in which students who live in the same dorm also take a core course together, and the idea is that it lets intellectual conversation continue beyond the classroom.
It can work. It can work sort-of. It can not work. Lots to do with the particular alchemy of the students that year.
My son’s freshman dorm was in a living/learning community. In fact the university he attends calls them “colleges,” even though you’re only required to take one class in that college. Mostly they’re just dorms, though his was apartment style with a kitchen.
His sophomore year, he lived in an apartment style dorm affiliated with a different “college.” It really didn’t matter. He has next to no involvement with that community and now he lives off campus. When he graduates, it will be a graduation just for that college, but other than where he lived freshman year and that one class, it has had no impact on his college experience at all.
They can be a great way for a freshman to meet other people with similar interests. My oldest went to school out of state and didn’t know anyone else going to that school. She applied for and ended up in an LLC that was for women in STEM majors. It was just one or two floors in a regular dorm, set aside for the women in the LLC. There were regular organized activities and I think a low-credit hours class, and some upperclass students who were previous participants were mentors. It worked out very well for her, as it got her plugged into a group quickly and some of the friends she made there have become her closest friends.
I am not in this stage, but these existed when I was in college 20 years ago, and the whole thing seemed kind of … not that useful in practice. Like if you’re in the same subjects you get to know your classmates that way and maybe that’s enough time with them. The part of college about getting to know people from different areas, backgrounds, interests, etc. seems a bit defeated by living in a “same major” type of bubble too.
At least at my university, it’s intentionally *not* people in the same major but people who share a common interest across majors. Like there’s a data science one that has everyone from political science to pre-vet to computer engineering majors. Not people who’d have all their classes together.
We had foreign language houses where theoretically you could practice your French. They were popular because they had air conditioning.
Ma’am, you have got to stop obsessing over your teen’s (or twin teens’) college experience and comparing it to your own, twenty-five years ago. Please, for everyone’s sake.
In the dementia caregiving world, we speak of “perseverating” on the same topics all the time. It’s what I see here too.
I heard LLCs on a college tour and it took a while for it to sink in that it wasn’t a company set up by kids in the business school. My abbreviations aren’t everyone’s abbreviations.
I work in higher ed and couldn’t be farther from the business world and even I think it’s a weird abbreviation.
I think it works as intended for sober living dorms.
Anachronism: my college had apartment style dorms that were initially married (undergraduate) student housing. But it was a bunch of bigger rooms with one kitchen — was it three couples sharing an apartment? Or one couple with rooms for kids?
I think they are a relatively meaningless buzzword. My daughter’s college has such things and it just means that they put the kids from the same freshman seminar class in the same dorm. They hang out together for maybe a couple of weeks and then branch out and find their real friends.
I just bought a beautiful wood table, and I want to take care of it properly. One thing is right now I don’t want to put anything directly on the surface, to protect it. Should I get a glass cover? Use a lot of coasters? What do people normally do?
It depends on your style but oilcloth tablecloths are great in terms of both protection and ease of cleaning. I’d love to use tablecloths but the cats burrow/roll in the overhanging fabric and then the entire piece of cloth gets pulled off/shed on/etc. So, we have decorative coasters and a napkin holder on the table and then we use trivets for anything hot/damp.
I also bring the tablecloths/place mats out for guests/holidays so that I don’t have to bug people about using coasters.
I’d get a piece of glass cut from a local glass company.
+1
Where is the table and how do you use the room? if it’s a “look don’t touch” dining room, where you only serve more formal meals, it would need a different approach than if this is in the middle of a multi-use space where your family eats, plays games, does art projects, and dumps clutter.
More of a multi-use space, but no kids. It’s near the kitchen so I use that table as a general counter, storage, dining table, etc. I’m thinking I should put a table cloth on it day-to-day.
Get a table pad to put under the tablecloth, to be most protective. It will be a large piece that you cut to fit, plastic on one side and felt-ish on the other. Enjoy!
This makes me think of Curb Your Enthusiasm — any fellow fans? There’s a whole episode centered around coaster usage!
If you get glass put little spacers between the glass and the wood or risk moisture issues. Little felt circles are the traditional solution, but I think there are clear silicone ones now.
has anyone done the “here’s my whole situation” to bogleheads? i’m considering but i’m new to the group.
I think this is one of those things where you should just go for it. What’s the worst that can happen, you don’t get any replies? There is a lot of value in you writing up your situation and getting super clear about it in your own brain, so there’s really no downside. You can lie about potentially identifying details if that’s what you’re worried about; it’s the internet.
Like on the subreddit? Do it! People are helpful
I assume you’ve read enough of them to get a good feel for how it works? If so, do it! You’ve seen the kinds of feedback and advice people get, so you know whether the same kind of thing could be useful for you.
Yes, I did it. I didn’t give any personal details about me obviously, and was otherwise honest about my $ and how it was currently being invested, and what my personal goals were. I had some very specific questions regarding asset allocation, retirement planning and how to keep taxes in mind, and issues with a recent inheritance.
I was so new to the group when I posted (so don’t worry) that I didn’t realize there was a precise “format” they like people to use when posting, which is incredibly detailed. I included all the most important info on my post, and they worked with that because I included the most important stuff. If you want the best recommendations, I would lay it all out there, and use the format they recommend.
I found the recommendations great. I really needed a kick in the pants and that’s where I got it. I also found my fee for service Financial Advisor there – some of my questions were weighty enough that they recommended I get a Financial Advisor too. Fee only financial advisor of course. So I contacted the people highly recommended on the site. My Advisor is excellent (remote), but I did have to wait like a year to get an appointment with him (very popular/busy).
I still peruse Bogleheads regularly, but need to do it much less now that I have cleaned up my investments and have a plan that I can follow. I will have a brief appointment with my Advisor every few years between now and when I retire. Or maybe I will just ask my questions on the Boglehead website instead!
I hired a writing tutor for my high school kid who has a) been in “good” public schools, b) taken the harder / honors classes since grade school, and c) has done well in her classes with minimal involvement from me. She does not know even basic grammar fundamentals. At all. In my blue-collar middle school, I knew all this cold in middle school. The tutor says that it’s not just public schools but all schools in our city, from what she has seen.
What ARE schools teaching these days?
It’s definitely not writing. This was literally a sentence written by a master’s-level graduate of our state’s flagship research university:
“Therefore: the evidence show, that, Plan A is superior to Plan: B.”
Jesus christ
My son just graduated with a masters degree in engineering and he cannot write well at all. The only challenging writing assignments he was given were by his drama teacher in 8th grade.
…and you were aware of this but did not intervene to force him to develop this skill at any point?
I just have to defend public schools for a second (but people please remember there is HUGE variability across the nation). My kid’s title 1 elementary school in DC is teaching writing and grammar, I think very well so far. My kid was learning sentence and story structure in first grade last year, like “first” “next” “last.” My kid who was in second grade was reading paragraphs and answering questions to demonstrate understanding, and every day she had a journal prompt to respond to.
+1 our public schools do a lot of writing and grammar.
This is wonderful, and I hope it continues for you as your kid starts writing longer content!
+1. It is happening in schools. You should be aware of what your child is learning in each grade — surely you see some of their lessons/homework. Is it a retention problem for students or something else? OP says her student is in high school and doesn’t know basic grammar fundamentals — if that’s true the student must also speak and write poorly which it seems she’d also notice. Maybe she follows the rules but is unable to articulate what they are?
We can’t see homework because it’s been turned in on Canvas or some other app, since COViD. I think this lets AI do the grading. It’s really maddening.
Infinite Campus at least (cant speak for other platforms) gives parents access to kids’ assignments, grades, etc in nearly real time.
We have Canvas set up so parents see nothing and have had Power School which show grades (but just grades) on anything that AI can grade in real time but nothing else. We are switching to yet another platform this month.
We’re letting AI do grading now? Jesus.
I want to believe this, but then why isn’t there notebook paper or notebooks on the supply list for any grade at my kids very good K-5 public school? Can you learn writing with just worksheets and dry-erase boards?? I’m going to ask a teacher and report back.
I’m the DC anon. I appreciate that you want to believe me, lol. Again, just because your school uses white boards doesn’t mean all of them do! My kids write in hard copy lined journals at school and bring them home at the end of the year.
I learned to diagram sentences at my Title 1 junior high. Then we moved to a fancy place and the fancy public schools taught zero grammar at any grade level.
I clearly recall learning grammar rules for the first time when I took a foreign language, and teaching it to myself for English ahead of the PSATs way back in the 90s. Luckily I was a voracious reader and absorbed a lot of the rules by osmosis. Teaching grammar is still not a big thing based on my own kid’s experiences and is likely to get worse with AI tools.
Same, I never learned any formal grammar rules (in school or otherwise) until I took French in 9th grade. I read a lot, so I’m a good writer and sort of absorbed grammar by osmosis. I graduated in the 90s.
Same same—when I took a foreign language in high school was when I learned anything about grammar stuff like direct vs indirect objects etc. In English I knew what felt correct, but couldn’t have told you why.
Same here. I always say I do grammar by ear.
Yup. My poor Latin teacher had to teach us English grammar before she could teach us Latin in the late 80s.
This was me. I got an 800 on the writing SAT without studying because it just made total sense to me. Not the case for the math SAT, unfortunately 😝
Ha, hard same. I actually got Kaplan to give me the ‘free course’ part of ‘improve your score or we’ll give you another course on us’ because after taking their prep course I scored an 800 verbal and a 550 math…which was the exact score I walked in the door with. Thankfully I was applying to journalism programs and had a 4 on my AP calc which together ticked enough boxes for my colleges of choice.
I have heard old school teachers complaining about wishing they could teach basic grammar or even getting in trouble with admin for teaching grammar on the sly.
Those were teachers who knew basic grammar fundamentals. It is not really required for getting an education degree.
Way back in the 1990s we didn’t learn grammar in English class. My French teacher had to teach English grammar first in order to be able to teach French.
Huh. Also was in school in the 90s and absolutely learned grammar in class. I am genuinely confused what you guys were doing in elementary and middle school during the reading/writing blocks?
We read a short story in a textbook and answered questions about it.
I did not learn grammar in elementary and middle school because I was a good reader and so was placed in the “advanced” class or whatever. The teachers seemed to assume that because we could read well, we just knew all the grammar rules. I did learn a lot by just reading lots of things, but I did not have formal grammar instruction like the “regular” classes did. As I got into college, law school, and now my job as a lawyer who does nothing but write all day, I realized it was a major deficit in my education and spent a lot of time trying to teach myself the rules. I still don’t understand when to use lie vs lay lol. Some things that sound fine to me are wrong. I’m lucky one of my closest co-workers is a grammar and punctuation genius and will edit my work for me.
Learning grammar does not teach competent, grammatically correct writing. Grammar operates much more like math.
What supports good writing is reading. Reading a lot. Reading real books, not screens, not audiobooks. People of all ages listen but don’t read nearly as much as they used to.
Want your kids to learn to write and express themselves? Be a reader, have them be readrs, and do it all the time.
Love these jeans! Just ordered them.
I feel like I see so many totally reckless people (adults and kids; depending on time of day, the adults probably aren’t sober) on e-bikes and e-scooters. And yet I never seem see them crash. I see a ton of car crashes daily.
It may just not have made the papers yet. Our town has now banned any e-bikes going over 15mph and made them illegal to use under 16. We’ve have 3 deaths in our area in the last year – all under 16 and all not wearing helmets. They terrify me as a driver – those kids are zipping in and out of lanes, not wearing helmets, and totally oblivious to cars around them. I feel awful for the drivers who’ve killed kids – it was clearly found to not the drivers fault in all cases but how traumatizing must that experience be?
I can assure you, these are a leading cause of death in many cities, to both the riders and elderly pedestrians who get plowed into and suffer head injuries. There was just an article about this in one of the SF papers.
Please wear a helmet and make sure your kids do too!
Just a matter of time. I stopped walking on the paved trail during pregnancy because I honestly didn’t trust those kids steering with one hand while on their phones with the other to not hit me at 40 mph. My local paper just had a piece about it a few weeks ago. Parents aren’t parenting and we’re going to have to turn to changing laws to get anything to change.
“I see a ton of car crashes daily.”
Sure, Jan.
OK, Marcia, will edit to say I keep NPR on to tell me which streets to avoid because they are tied up with fender-benders and wrecks still lead the local news, regardless of time of day. So I’m aware of them. No reports of e-bike or e-scooter crashes daily the scooters are all over our city sidewalks (technically illegal but we have real crime so not an enforcement priority). There was a video of a scooter on the interstate over the weekend and some guy riding just a wheel.
Oh, they crash. Less likely to cause an ambulance call or actually block the road than an equivalent speed car crash, so maybe the crashes are less visible to you?
I am newly engaged and I’m so unhappy. My fiance is going through a rough patch, and asked his parents to come for our engagement from their home country. His mom is now staying with us for 3 months but I was never consulted in advance. She’s a really nice person, but I get no one on one time with my partner. We’re hardly ever physically intimate, we don’t talk except for me to be a sounding board for his stress. And I really dislike having his mom here, as bad as I feel saying it. I am 28 and I just want to feel young and independent and excited by life. I’m getting so nostalgic thinking of old flings or the feeling of being single and having lots of crushes and floating from thing to thing. I am worried I made a mistake getting into a committed relationship and not spending my twenties just having more flings and fun. But now I’m engaged and locked in. My fiance is probably one of the best guys out there one could hope for if they’re trying to marry a man, but monogamy and marriage and commitment and a life of responsibility and lack of privacy or excitement just feels like not at all what I want.
Oof — this is rough. It’s your space too and it should have been a discussion. She has to go back after that though? Maybe it’s time for a girls trip just so you can breathe. Or a work trip you must bring him on for some important dinner or other.
You are NOT locked in. This literally is the perfect time to leave if that’s what you want. Don’t progress to marriage until you figure out what you want.
Agreed — can you manufacture some alone time, maybe a dinner out or lunch? And then just talk?
totally agree. You are actively miserable and missing your single days. So be single! Just because he’s objectively a good catch doesn’t mean you have to be trapped in a relationship. Separating now is much easier than doing it later.
Exactly. You aren’t locked in until you say “I do” and file the marriage license. I still wish I’d broken my first engagement, 40 years ago.
I mean, even then you’re not actually locked in.
You need to separate the “I’m feeling smothered by his mother” from “I’m feeling smothered in the relationship.” They are related, but different. That will help you understand if you’re slowly going insane having a parent up in your business, or if, upon this becoming very real, it’s just not what you want. Therapy or an amazingly patient best friend as a sounding board to help you sort through this, stat! GL!
+1
Step one should be have a conversation with fiance about his mother’s extended visit, that you were not consulted about (huge red flag). If you can’t have this conversation with him, then he’s not somebody you should be marrying anyway.
Agree that this is a huge red flag. at a minimum talk to him, and consider couples counseling as you think through this. Sometimes that little voice does mean that this isn’t a fit, even if it feels like it is for the most part. Sometimes it means something else. Only you can explore and find out.
Absolutely and if this is what is happening now, it may progress even more if you get married. What else is he going to do without consulting you? He is showing you what to expect if you marry him.
I highly recommend individual therapy + couples counseling. My best friend went through something similar and really this is the best time to address it, as scary as that may feel. This kind of thing doesn’t get better if you don’t address it.
You’re going to get a lot of comments telling you to leave and go be independent and have fun. And that may be right for you. I just want to say that I could have written this post when I was 28. I was with a wonderful man who loved me (and I loved him) but I had a small voice that wondered the things you’re wondering. I ended up leaving him and it is still my biggest regret. It’s been 6 years and I’m still not over him. Dating is a nightmare. I compare every man I meet to him (and no one even comes close). I’ve been through loads of therapy with several different therapists and it hasn’t helped. I say all this to just encourage you to be really sure about your decision if you do leave.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your experience. This means so much. Can I ask what made you feel like you wanted to leave? What has dating been like since? Have you had feelings for others since or enjoyed being single at all?
I have not had feelings for anyone else. The dating pool has been so awful that, at times, I do enjoy being single because dating is such a nightmare. The pool has just gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. When I left him, I felt things similar to what you describe (fear of life of responsibility or lack of privacy). But it took only a few short months for me to realize what I’d done and want him back. He never spoke to me again. That was very hard to swallow and still hurts, even to this day. Some days are better than others. I’ve focused on my career and do very well with that, but I miss him and think of him all the time. I honestly believe he was my soulmate and I lost him. This is just my story though. Yours may be different, and you may reach the conclusion that you need to be alone and figure out what you want. I’m definitely not trying to influence you. I just want you to be really sure before you do anything drastic. Sending hugs.
That is so painful, I’m so sorry! Please know you will find someone you are as connected with, even if it takes some time. I really appreciate you sharing your insights here.
Well, stop feeling sorry for yourself and exercise some agency.
Marriage does not mean a life without privacy or excitement and 100% responsible behavior, and if you think THIS marriage will be… better to break up now than divorce. Having a partner’s parent move in for MONTHS without a thorough discussion about it would send me running too.
If this is common in your culture (respect for parents taken to the extreme; mother outranks wife on the priority list) but you thought until this point that your fiancé had different views… actions speak louder, and all that.
You aren’t locked in at all. Move out. Break up. Be free.
Oh, wow. I agree that him not consulting you in advance about inviting his mother for 3 months is kind of – unforgiveable. I read that and thought – “what did I just read?” How is that even possible?
I don’t know what country you are in and what country he is from, but unless you want 1-3+ month visits from his parents ongoing in your future, and maybe the possibility of them moving in with you one day, then you need to sit down with him and have a real talk about your future.
And you don’t talk, except when he needs to release his stress out on you?
And this is the one of the best guys you could hope for? I don’t know what your standards are in men, but this doesn’t sound like they are very high.
This all sounds like hell to me.
Oh goodness that’s a lot on you. Sounds like the catalyst is your fiancé moving in a long term guest without your agreement. I’ll be honest – that alone would be a deal breaker for me. But it seems like there might be more than just that going on with you. Have you considered officially putting the engagement on hold, and maybe getting your own place for a while? Perhaps couples therapy if you want to try to save the relationship. I’m an Old and I speak from experience when I tell you that when people say that resentment is the death knell for a relationship they are correct.
Where can I donate money that is most likely to actually get food aid to people in Gaza? I want to donate but also be practical about where to give money to.
Also general question – what is the actual food given? I saw stuff bout flour and rice, but that requires cooking. They don’t give like
MREs or other similar things?
Look up the Sameer Project.
Cup of Joe had a post this week that you might be helpful to check out.