ByKat Hours Updated
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Weekend Open Thread

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woman relaxes in chair wearing a white and blue top with lace details at the shoulders and cuffs; it is short-sleeved and a V-neck

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

This Ann Taylor top looks like a great one for work or play — and it's in the same family as the reader favorite mixed media pleated blouse.

I love the little lace details, as well as the V-neck combined with the very slight collar. The fact that it's machine washable is a bonus.

The top comes in the pictured white and blue print, white, buttercream, black, navy, and a saturated kelly green. All are available in sizes XXS-XXL, but the white and buttercream options are also available in sizes XXS-XL (but lucky sizes only in the buttercream).

The weekend sale at Ann Taylor is a pretty great one — 50% off everything, priced as marked, with free shipping, so these blouses come down to $32-$34.

Ooh: I just updated the sales below and there are a LOT of good ones — happy summer solstice, everyone!

Sales of note for 7/8/25:

227 Comments

      1. that’s fair! how would you style it? it might be the way the image is cropped that’s throwing me off, actually.

        1. Not the initial Anon, but this is the sort of top I’d either wear untucked with a pair of black or navy cigarette pants or tucked into a navy pencil skirt for work. For a more casual look, I’d wear with white jeans (cropped, light flare) or with jean shorts.

          1. IMO black pants would look terrible with this.

            But I’m not a person who thinks black goes with “everything.” It doesn’t.

    2. I thought retiree on the golf course? Or wife not playing golf, sitting in the golf course cafe?

      1. And probably blonde with minimal curves. This color palette is very specific and the shape looks unforgiving. It’s doing no favors to the model.

  2. This may be a hot take, but in response to the woman asking earlier about dating, I would advise not to give up. It is easy in your 20s and 30s to not feel lonely since you are surrounded by friends. But as you get older, being single becomes more and more isolating. Finding a partner doesn’t have to look like gardening and fireworks – if you are not a big gardener, you can find someone with a similar drive. But at it’s core, it’s about having a best friend and companion to go through life with, to have someone to take care of you and reassure you in difficult moments, and can to life immeasurably. There is nothing wrong with being single, and I think being single is probably better as a woman than being with 80% of men out there, but it’s worth giving it another shot if you feel like you can to meet someone.

    1. On the other hand, you don’t want to settle just out of fear of being alone in the future. My motto is, “I’d rather be alone than wish I was.”

      1. I think that was an Ann Landers or similar kind of quote and it really impacted me and it’s my motto too!

    2. As a counterpoint, the older I get the more I feel like marriage is only a benefit to men and detrimental to women.

      2. One thing I’ve been noticing lately is just how much time is spent managing mediocre husbands emotionally and making sure they feel valued – things like making sure to laugh at his lame joke he’s made 500 times before, over-thanking him for completing a basic task, over-rewarding him with things like a whole day off to go fishing when he watched the kids for one hour the day before, asking his opinion on something when you don’t actually need it, complimenting him just to try to improve a bad mood, and more. It’s exhausting and I’ve watched many women in my family get more exhausted themselves doing it all their lives.

        1. Yes this! There were people on the morning thread saying (re single parenthood) that even if you don’t have an equitable division of labor, some help is better than none. And yes I get that 70-30 or 80-20 sounds better on paper than doing everything alone. But I’m not sure that 20% is worth it, when you factor in how much time and effort you’ll spend managing the man and his emotions. My divorced mom friends all say it was truly like having another child and life is so much easier when you only have your actual children to take care of.

          1. I would say it’s better to have an ex husband who provides child support and is a backup parent or has some custody than no husband at all. Then you are truly on your own.

          2. So many ex husbands are a millstone around the necks of their families though, you basically have to find a guy good enough to be a half way decent ex.

          3. And don’t forget the entire gross concept of “maintenance sex,” which I’ve seen normalized here time and time again.

        2. Anon at 2:45 pm–you are working too hard. Stop over rewarding and making deals like child care=fishing and get a copy of the book Fair Play. This sounds like a soul sucking way to live.

          1. It’s not the way I’m living. I can’t tell my friends and family what to do in their llves.

          1. Nah I’m married to a reasonably tolerable man, but I see how useless my friends spouses are. Even my own dad is non functional.

          2. My best friend is married to the world’s biggest man baby. The bar is so, so low for men.

          4. The phrase ‘incel’ was termed by a woman describing herself, so you are wrong.

          5. My best friend is too. She’s beautiful, kind, accomplished, high-earning and a devoted mom, and her husband is just the biggest loser in every aspect. I would feel utterly hopeless if I was an average single woman.

          8. I cannot imagine calling my husband “reasonably tolerable.” The contempt is dripping through here, just get a divorce already.

      5. I agree, and I’m happily married. But I would 100% not date again if my husband died. And I’m not that old, only late 30s.

        1. Same here. Happily married and if my one-in-million husband died, I don’t think I would date.

        2. 3rd. My husband is fine and not totally useless like some of these guys I read about, but I would absolutely never date again if we divorced or he died. Not worth the trouble. I’m mid 40s FWIW.

        3. i’m happily married also — don’t you guys feel like you would miss having a steady dinner companion or +1 for events? my aunt got divorced late in life (late 60s) and while she doesn’t want to marry again this was the number 1 thing that I think she wanted in a companion. she got really sick of being invited with all of her retired friends & their husbands out to eat and being alone.

          1. Nope. But I’m a huge introvert and don’t go to a lot of events. I already go to the theater by myself because it isn’t my husband’s thing.

          2. I’m a “fourth” to this comment, and honestly, I don’t think I would miss it much. And even if I did, I don’t think it’d be enough to be worth finding another life partner. Echoing that I love my husband. He’s a great partner and father. But I think all the cliches about marriage being about compromise are true. Even though we are so aligned on so many things- so much of my day to day life is impacted by him and vis versa.

          3. No. I can find that amongst friends, acquaintances and understanding the social programming that has taught me it’s odd to do those things alone.

            If my husband died it would take an exceptionally lucky romantic connection to have me date again.

      6. Hard disagree. I know this is a trendy hot take but there is nothing better than sharing your life with the right person.

        1. I think you’re actually agreeing…the point was to keep looking until you find the right person.

          There’s a nuance in that so many people seem right, then later turn out to be not a good match at all.

          1. I disagree that most men are awful. I am hard pressed to think of anyone awful or unhelpful that anyone in my life is with. I just think it’s a terrible take. Finding someone to spend your life with isn’t necessarily easy, not because men are terrible but because we are all unique. I dated plenty of great men who would be great husbands for someone else. I don’t believe in settling and I didn’t. But it’s knowing yourself and who’s a good match for you that matters.

          2. Maybe that’s the right outlook. But a lot of us do have some terrible men in our lives. Yes men are also taking on risks when they date women. Yes women can also turn out to be predators, or become addicts, or criminals, or otherwise unsafe. And women can be just kind of unhelpful; they can miss deadlines and not know their own children’s medical conditions and forget to pick up their kids and leave them random places and not know how to prepare meals or clean up and be basically unqualified to so much as babysit their own children, let alone parent them.

            But in my circles, men are a lot more likely to meet those descriptions, and they’re also likely to get away with a lot more and retain more social status despite being a community “missing stair.”

    3. I’d love to find someone but I’ve been trying and failing for 20 years. I’m tired and hurt and I do not need to be guilted or scared into continuing to pour energy into something that is not working for me. Unless you have an eligible single male friend to offer up, no one needs your condescending help.

      1. I’m in my early 40s, almost through with a divorce, am starting to (low key) see an exceptionally good guy… and this advice grated on me, too.

        Coming off a hellish marriage: so many women berated me about leaving. (My married guy friends cheered me on the most!) It just meant that I left when things were horrific, not when I knew it was unworkable.

        It’s so, so easy to tell women to suck it up and be in a mediocre marriage. Can we stop, please?

        1. I wasn’t saying stick with a mediocre person. I was saying to the OP this morning, who asked if she should give up, that there are pragmatic reasons to not stop searching for a good companion in your thirties.

        2. I’m really sorry that your friends were so unsupportive. You deserve better ❤️

        3. No one is saying that. Quite the opposite. Value yourself and don’t settle. If you messed up and married the wrong guy, get a divorce. But don’t drag the entire concept because one relationship didn’t work for you.

    4. I mean yeah it’d be nice to have a best friend and companion and someone who’ll care for me but mid 40s I’m of the opinion that you can’t force it. If you get married just to get married you often end up not very cared for yet he gets a cook, cleaner, and housekeeper. Yes most people here hire help but in most households STILL women do much more than men.

        1. my husband does the bulk there too — all the dishes and 90% of the laundry. i don’t even know how to use our vacuum.

          1. Another marriage where this is the situation. My husband does laundry and the majority of the cleaning. I cook and do dishes but he does a fair amount of the dishes too.

        1. Yup. There are good men out there but they’re much harder to find than good women.

          1. But not impossible? These comments act like men are a monolith who are all bad. I dislike the married women saying “I got my perfect husband, but the rest of you could never as every other man is terrible.” I have a great husband, and I know there are many others out there just like him. Even if fewer good men than good women, there are still good men.

          2. The imbalance is significant enough that I think it’s a big hurdle for most women. It doesn’t mean you should give up if you want marriage, but I really sympathize with women who are ready to be done with dating.

          3. I agree with Anon at 3:42. I got married to a wonderful man when I was 36, and my life is better for it. But (online) dating was a slog at times.

          4. Online dating and dating offline should be a slog! You’re not looking to be with everyone. You’re looking for the right person and unless you get insanely lucky on the first try, it will take time. The idea that it won’t is bananas.

          5. I was looking for someone who hated dating as much as I do (i.e. enough to never do it).

          2. Yes. I married someone I genuinely like who genuinely likes me. I’m sorry you’re never going to have that experience, because it’s really wonderful.

          3. You do know that you can want a relationship and that doesn’t make someone a “pick me” or whatever pejorative you want to toss at women. Sneering at things makes you unlikeable to everyone.

        3. I honestly have no idea who yall are hanging out with. I don’t see this incompetence in my own household or with any of my friends’ husbands. This just seems like such a nasty take that I find unrelatable.

          1. It’s seriously 90% of my female friends and I’m highly educated and have mostly high achieving, upper middle class friends with 2-3 kids, so it’s not the trad wife “barefoot and pregnant with 10 kids” thing. I’ve lived in several very different regions of the US (west coast, Midwest and New England).

          2. I wouldn’t expect to find the good men in the highly educated, highly achieving circles. I live in an economically diverse neighborhood and the good men are the welders, the auto mechanics, the firemen and the small business owners.

          3. Good luck finding a welder or firefighter who isn’t MAGA. I’d hardly call men who enthusiastically support Trump “good men.”

          4. I don’t get this either. My husband, brothers, dad, male friends, and friends’ husbands are all super competent people. I obviously don’t know the details of other people’s marriages, and I’m sure they’re not all 100% equal, but they all cook, clean, take care of the kids (some are SAH dads), and deal with everything else that needs to be taken care of in life. I know there are plenty of not so great men out there too, but the idea that every man is awful is just as sexist as any generalization about women (including the idea that anyone who objects to stereotypes could only be doing it because she wants to be picked by a man, which is really gross).

    6. I think that life can be made better or worse by a partner. I personally am thankful that my partner has become the human I hoped I was marrying. He happens to be genuinely kind, open to learning and growing and exploring his own weaknesses, happy to be a parent and a partner, my biggest cheerleader, and the first person I want to call when something happens (good or bad). I’m lucky to have this partnership.

      I think back to the people I dated before him and it was… always so much work. So exhausting. I was constantly aware of everything. Was I ‘enough’? Was I thin/pretty/smart/successful/stylish enough? Was I ‘fun’ enough? Was I enough of the ‘brand’ of girl they wanted? Did I have that ‘cool girl’ energy? It was exhausting. I would pick being single over any of those partners.

      One of the things I’ve come to just… accept… is that life isn’t what we’ve planned but you figure out what the best path is from wherever you land. I planned on living in London and being single and fabulous and then planned on 2 children spaced 2 years apart, born in May so I would have summers off. Well. That didn’t happen but the path I took is different and also happy. Just because something doesn’t look the way we planned doesn’t mean it can’t be wonderful.

      (Note – To this morning’s poster: I know many moms who are single moms. You need support and you need resources. One idea I’ll note is that two single (foster) moms who I know are essentially faux family for one another. Your support system might not be biological family. If you want to make it work, go for it.)

    7. There are lots of people who have long marriages that are not to their best friend.

      1. Tell me more about this. I accidentally ended up with my best friend but it’s difficult to imagine anything else. Like you just don’t tell your husband everything?

  3. I found today’s Modern Love very interesting. Did anyone else read? Would love to hear your thoughts.

    2. I went to read it after seeing this. Interesting is definitely the word. My gut reaction is I’m not sure it’s so nuanced as men retreating from vulnerability and being scared of revealing their imperfection. Rather, I think by embracing p orn as a culture we have destroyed people’s understanding of intimacy, and conditioned people to want reward without responsibility.

      It’s similar to what social media et al are doing to real friendships and personal connections. Destroying the fabric of our communities because we no longer want to put in the effort to build something, and we don’t realize we are missing all the best parts.

      (But as I said, that is my gut reaction. TBH I found it a bit word salad-y, but perhaps I need to sit with it a bit.)

      2. To save others the bother of clicking, it’s called Men, Where Have You Gone? Please Come Back: So many men have retreated from intimacy, hiding behind firewalls, filters and curated personas, dabbling and scrolling. We miss you.”

        It’s extremely self-important. I desperately wanted to stop reading after “I took a table. I ordered well. And I watched the room.”

        2. That drove me up a wall.

          What I didn’t like: brunch is what women do. Men might find connection on a golf course, at a cycling club, or playing billiards with their buddies.

          Just because you aren’t finding men where you like to hang out doesn’t mean they are recluses.

    4. It feels ahistorical. Marriage has not historically been about romance, but about finances. I think what she is arguing for is mostly fiction.

        1. Not really. Finances are important to all classes when it comes to co-habituating and raising children.

          1. If it’s not that much to begin with and everyone in a community has comparable amounts, I really don’t think it’s as big a factor. Certainly wasn’t for me.

        2. No. My parents did not marry for best friend status. Generationally, women including my mom would have not been able to easily live without a man so they got married. That’s not to say they didn’t love their partner but for the majority of time women were expected to be living under the roof of their father and then their spouse.

  4. Unfashionable person question – are ankle pants just what’s in for the summer or is it what’s been trending in pants for months irrespective of weather? I live in suit pants so I pay little attention yet recently pulled out 1-2 old trouser type pants from the Gap that I can wear to work. Much lighter material and wash and wear so dry cleaning isn’t an issue. Figured I’d buy 1-2 new ones since these are old. Cannot find a pant anywhere this isn’t an ankle pant. I’m a tall woman and they look ridiculous like a kid wearing hand me downs that are too short – esp sitting down where you can see half the calf. Any chance we see long pants in the fall or is this just the style?

    2. i’ve seen a ton of wide-legged, full-length styles made from twill, cotton, crepe

    3. Should’ve specified not ankle pants and not flairs either or a very minor unnoticeable flair. Don’t think it exists right now.

    4. Talbots has professional pants in a number of lengths and styles. I doubt any are machine washable since they’re made from nicer fabrics. I’m partial to the Southampton pant.

  5. Does anyone have a ninja creami? What are your favorite things to make with it?

  6. Anyone want to chime in about wedding etiquette, the rehearsal dinner version?

    I recently flew across the country for my niece’s wedding. I didn’t know what any of the plans were – wedding was Saturday night and MOTB told us to arrive Wednesday for the “festivities.” It asked a couple of times where I needed to be and when, but there didn’t seem to be many festivities. I mostly chalked it up to the insanity before a wedding and so my nuclear family and I just entertained ourselves.

    The night before the wedding we got a last minute invitation to a bar for drinks. When we got there and mingled with the other guests it became obvious that most of them had just come from the rehearsal dinner, which was awkward because we weren’t invited!

    Neither of the aunts on my side had been invited so my sister and I were just kind of off in a corner of the bar trying to be pleasant, but it did kind of sting. Friends from college and aunts and uncles from the groom’s side were invited, though. The difference was made more obvious by the fact that the rehearsal dinner guests were dressed to the nines in a color theme the bride had requested and we were told it was a “casual bar hang” so we were dressed for that.

    I thought the rule was out of towners and family were invited to the rehearsal dinner?

    Anyway, another wedding coming up in the family soonish, and this time I’m the parent. So really, who gets invited?

    1. I thought the rehearsal dinner was for those who are actually in the wedding, so shows how much I know!

    2. No, I don’t think out of towners should be automatically invited to the rehearsal dinner. It’s meant for people who need to be part of the rehearsal. Can they be? Sure. Is it a rule? No.

      1. It actually is a rule. Out of towners and those in the wedding party go to the rehearsal. Others may also be invited. But that’s the core list. See Emily Post.

    3. That sounds odd and rude but I don’t think out of towners are always invited to the rehearsal dinner. I always thought it was just the wedding party and the couples’ parents and siblings (+spouses if applicable), and maybe grandparents. That’s what we did. But 95% of our guests were out of towners so if we’d invited everyone it would have been the same size as the wedding.

    4. There is no such blanket rule. The rule is you communicate clearly who is or is not invited. That was super weird and rude of your host. Why tell you to come Wednesday and then not have anything for you to attend?!?

      Common rules – wedding party, immediate family, grandparents. Or all of the above plus whoever is in from out of town.

      But in some cases including everyone from out of town would leave an awkward number of people “out,” like 85% of the guests at our wedding were from out of town, so we either needed to keep it small (which we did, everyone else organized their own fun with our guidance on dining & attraction options) or include everyone (which was not in budget).

    5. I’m no expert but I think it depends on the budget? I’ve been invited to the rehearsal dinner of my college roommate (not in the bridal party). it was mostly family and some out of town guests. other weddings were pretty clearly close family and bridal party only (likely due to budget). If you have budget to include out of town folks, great! If not, don’t tell them to show up early for wedding events they aren’t invited to.

    6. Now that many people are from out of town, this is no longer the case. Back in the day when way fewer people were out of towners, you’re right – they were all invited. If you invite all out of town guests now it might as well be a second wedding!

      Now many people do welcome drinks (some are no host, some are hosted by the couple or their family) which is a nice in between option. Everyone is invited (but with no expectation to attend), but it’s more relaxed. For example, when my parents got married probably 80% of guests were local (all of both families and most friends – really the only guests coming from away were college friends of my parents).

      As for family, we’ve just done immediate family and special guests (so parents and siblings of the couple, grandparents (if alive) and if you have like an aunt and uncle you’re very close to) plus of course the wedding party snd everyone’s plus one.

      Then after the rehearsal dinner you all go to welcome drinks.

    7. Traditionally yes, the rehearsal dinner was wedding party and +1s, immediate family and +1s and out of town guests… but that was before most guests were from out of town.

      Also traditionally the family of the groom pays for the rehearsal dinner so it wouldn’t be your niece’s or her mother’s guest list to manage.

      Now most people do smaller rehearsal dinner (family, wedding party and all +1s) and then welcome drinks for all guests (which can be an open bar or no host / pay your own way or anything in between)

    8. in my circles rehearsal dinner is for those in the wedding.. bridesmaids, groomsmen & their partners; parents, siblings if not in the wedding, sometimes grandparents. Welcome party, if they have one, includes all out of town guests.

      It sounds like rehearsal dinner was hosted by the groom’s parents & they maybe insisted on inviting their own extended family?

      In the future I’d never arrive on Wed for a Saturday wedding unless you’re making a vacation out of it or were specifically invited to other events when you rsvp’ed/listed on the wedding website.

      1. Yeah it was a whole thing. I booked to arrive Thursday night, thinking there would be something Friday night. But when I sent info to MOTB, she insisted we change our arrival to Wednesday night due to vague “festivities” – which meant I got hit with change fees, and then no festivities.

        It’s honestly ok. They live in an historic area so we did some tourism kind of stuff and made a (very hot and sweaty) vacation of the non-festivity days.

        1. This is a very gracious way to look at it! Regardless of the “rule” MOTB seems to have dropped the ball by insisting you come for festivities that did not include you. I agree it’s not productive to dwell on it. If you’re worried about what you should do now that you’re in the position of inviting folks, I’d say being attentive to your guests and communicating clearly what will be happening when and following through on that will keep 99% of people very happy!.

    9. I think I’ve always gone to the rehearsal dinner when I’ve been from out of town — if it was an absolutely huge wedding (like 5+ bridesmaids) then maybe not.

      but agree with the others that it’s the groom’s family’s burden

      1. 5 bridesmaids is pretty average, unless they just do 1 attendant each.

        The welcome drinks have replaced the “invite out of towners and extended family to the rehearsal dinner”.

        1. Thanks. I’m OP and this has been very helpful for our own planning. But we are for sure not going to preference one similarly situated group over the other!

    10. I agree that the old rules about out of town guests no longer apply. But I think the important thing is to treat everyone of the same level the same way. So either all cousins are invited or none of them is. Either all aunts and uncles are invited or none of them are. It’s not our favorite cousins get an invite and the rest don’t. As to friends, I think you can limit it to those who are in the wedding but then either all the friends or none of the friends. Don’t invite some friends who aren’t in the wedding party (which are deemed “better” friends) and not others.
      I do not understand why you were told to arrive on Wednesday if there wasn’t an activity for you until Saturday. That isn’t a good way to manage someone’s time or expectations.

    12. There is no rule. The people who get invited are ones who receive an invitation which did not include you

    13. No hard rule about who to invite to a rehearsal dinner but it’s very strange that they would ask you to come earlier for festivities without actually having any festivities for you. We are skipping the rehearsal dinner entirely bc weddings are so expensive but we are not dictating when anyone needs to arrive aside from immediate family for pre ceremony photos.

    14. Sounds like MOTB made assumptions about what you would be invited to. That’s her fault, not the couple’s.

    15. I don’t know if there is a hard-and-fast rule, but they shouldn’t have demanded you come early and then only invited you out for drinks after the rehearsal dinner.

      My in-laws were wretched about the rehearsal dinner – demanded a particular venue that had a hard cap on guests. If I had to it all over again, I would have paid for the dinner myself so I could invite everyone I wanted to invite. Nearly all my family members were coming from out of town and it would have been nice to see a few of them at the rehearsal dinner.

    16. Both of my kids married in the past 18 months and both handled things extremely differently. My daughter had a catered park picnic for her rehersal, everyone invited to the wedding was invited, the rehersal was a 20 minute thing at the beginning as guests were arriving. My son had a lengthy rehersal at the event center where the marriage was to take place, and the rehersal dinner was wedding party (and their plus ones) and parents only. This meant I, as MOG, had to leave my sisters who had traveled from out of town to their own devices, and my husbands’ siblings who were mostly local needed to entertain themselves. So it really is up to the bride and groom how they want to handle it.

      1. Both rehersal dinners ended with various groups going off to various bars. I met my sisters at their hotel bar and caught up with them, while the wedding party was dancing at the dock bar next door. My daughter’s group went to the downtown of our little tourist town dancing and drinking, while us older folks went to a speakeasy for a few drinks and socializing.

    17. We paid for my out-of-town guests to have dinner at a nice restaurant at the same time as the rehearsal dinner, since the rehearsal dinner was big enough on its own – adding OOT guests would have practically made it a second reception.

    18. MOB was out of line to tell you to come to events that you hadn’t been invited to.

      FWIW, my own mother is like this: “come early for the (unnamed) festivities!” It’s exhausting because it’s not an actual thing, it’s her putting on airs and feeling important by having other people change up their plans for her.

      At this point, I don’t change plans without specifics, for her or anyone. If it turns out that it was actually important, whoops, guess I missed it because you wanted to play coy.

    19. In Australia big formal rehearsal dinners are uncommon but my experience as both guest and MOB is that in destination ( eg country/interstate) weddings the Bride’s family invites everyone who is attending to a casual event on the evening before at a fun simple place – minimal decorations etc – where people can drop in and out as they arrive in town and the family provides a bar tab to an agreed level and eg pizza or cocktail food. The bride and groom attend but leave early and guests/ bridal party are encouraged to be reasonable with celebrations ready for the big day. Once the bar tab is exceeded guests pay their own . This seems to be common across all socio economic group.
      When the wedding is home town the younger set generally get together with travellers on the night before with financial contribution from the family- and the older guests and young families sort themselves out .
      Our recovery parties also seem more relaxed- generally burgers and drinks back at the venue or the house where some of the family are staying- certainly attendance is non compulsory except for the bridal party and v close family.
      As many guests travel a long way to Aus family and friends are often co-opted to invite them to dinners/drinks/sporting events and help out with baby sitting etc in the days before and after .

  7. How much of an issue would it be for you if your husband called your 4-year-old a “jerk” frequently (not to his face, more like “ugh he’s being a jerk again.”) I’m visiting family and a SIL-figure is having that situation with her husband. I was on the periphery of the group she was venting to about it and didn’t say anything, but she seemed upset and was told by 1-2 others that it was nbd. It seems like an issue to me though. From how she described it, her husband seems to truly think that of their child.

    1. The occasional offhand comment not in the presence of the child wouldn’t bother me. But it seems like a bigger issue if the husband really views the child with contempt.

      1. OP here and I think it’s the latter, unfortunately. He seems to not enjoy him at all. I just witnessed another jerk comment over something that looked like extremely normal and unremarkable behavior for his age. It actually bothered me too to hear the tone just now.

        1. Yep, there’s an affectionate way to say this and a not affectionate way. I would also be bothered by actual hostility.

    2. 4 year olds ARE jerks
      the phrase “threenager” exists for a reason

      babies are also huge assholes

      1. Yeah, they are completely self-absorbed. It is normal and healthy but also can be extremely annoying. 4 was my least favorite age frankly.

      2. Haha my extremely thoughtful and kind 24 year old daughter was the biggest asshole baby on the planet. I think she got it all out of her system then, because she has been so agreeable ever since – even as a teenager!

        1. PS as my kid got older, she loved hearing about how she had been a difficult baby. She would draw pictures of a screaming baby and label it “me as a bad baby.”

          I would tell her it was a good thing she was so cute, because we might otherwise have given her back to the stork.

          She is not traumatized by this, and I suppose a kid wouldn’t be traumatized by being called a jerk if it’s normal to them. It’s all in the tone.

    3. Toddlers and young kids are frequently jerks so I don’t think it’s a huge issue unless aA stated above the husband views his son as a jerk consistently

    4. It’s developmentally appropriate for toddlers to be jerks. They haven’t developed empathy and consideration for others so they’re just selfish chaos machines.

    5. I think of “jerk” as kind of… age inappropriate. Like a 4yo is going to act out because that’s what they do. Unless the kid is being willfully mean, it seems like a thoughtless kind of insult. Like say ‘kid is whiny today because he’s tired’ or whatever.

    7. The issue is not whether this is objectively fine, but that your sister isn’t comfortable with it. She needs to come to an agreement with her husband. Hopefully the fact that it bothers her is enough for him, and he doesn’t use this as an opportunity to prove an unprove-able point or assert power about saying what he wants.

        1. Maybe, or maybe there’s context that means it is a problem. Like, if a father is only ever talking about his child in a negative way and calling them names, I think that’s worrisome.

    9. … there are people out there who DON’T call their toddlers jerks? I haven’t met any!

      2. There are a lot, actually. Some households put a high priority on no name calling, even in “jest” or “with love.”

          1. It is literally the definition of name calling, lmao. Is your take really “it’s okay for adults to talk shit about a child if the child is being shitty enough”?

          6. “Being a jerk” is really, really different from “is a jerk.”

            At this age it’s also pretty squarely the parent’s responsibility, so I think it comes across differently if it’s taking responsibility (my kid is being a jerk; they need something from me) or if it’s evading responsibility (what do you want me to do, they’re just a jerk).

      3. I hated age 3, like hated it so much I sent my husband for a vasectomy that year. But I still didn’t call my kid a jerk. The behavior is developmentally normal, so “jerk” – which implies some level of malice and atypically rude behavior for the context – doesn’t really feel like the right word to me. I don’t think it’s terrible to say it (not to the kid’s face) but I also think there are a lot of people who don’t.

        1. I totally agree and this is exactly what I was trying to say, less eloquently, above.

    11. It wouldn’t bug me, but tbh I’m the one that has a shorter fuse about my kids being unpleasant, my spouse is either oblivious or thinks they walk on water. Some kids go through phases where they really are unpleasant. One of my kids was incredibly tough as a four-year old. My other kid was delightful at that age, but was just plain awful as a preteen.

    12. I have autistic children, yes the dear Lord blessed me with two. What’s funny reading about this is that my children’s behavior was so bad it was beyond being a jerk.

      Your SIL needs to have a talk with her husband about parenting goals. Children at that age are difficult but doubling down on routine, structure and consistency in terms of routine and expected behaviors will pay off in the future. The son might be acting up because he is tired. At that age my children’s behavior was better if asleep by 6:30pm.

      My autistic children had very different behaviors at ages 3-5 and I kinda wish they had been jerks! My daughter would have the most violent meltdowns that scared me and my son would ‘elope’. I still run today and work out because I had to be in shape to catch him before he ran across the road. His 5km time at 11 was 18mins. He is faster now. Thankfully he doesn’t elope by running anymore but he does run blocks when we are doing errands (we live in a walking town) and we run every morning to help with the ADD.

  8. I’ve developed seasonal allergies as an adult and my biggest symptom is that my eyes water whenever I’m outside. It’s annoying more than anything, but it has been getting worse and it’s making it unpleasant to be outside. Anything I can do about this? I take Claritin every day.

    1. There are a lot of treatment options beyond OTCs, but you’ll have to see a doctor.

    2. 1. Talk to your eye doctor
      2. Try OTC eye drops, either allergy eye drops or eye drops for dry eyes, as eye watering can actually be a symptom of dry eye.

      1. Finding out allergy eye drops are a thing was life changing. My son’s eyes get very red with allergies (often just one at a time) and the school was constantly calling me about “pink eye”. The pediatrician finally told me about these drops and they totally take away the red and make him school-acceptable again

    3. My eye doctor told me that your eyes need their own allergy medication. Try over the counter Zaditor or Pataday and if that doesn’t work there are prescription options. Personally I find that Pataday stings and isn’t as effective as Zaditor, even though it’s the newest release of the formerly scrip eye drops.

    4. I find Accupuncture effective for this. Not all practitioners are effective but it’s been enough of a thing & is covered by my insurance that I find it worthwhile. Fwiw – I tried ex options with limited to no success before landing on this for me.

      2. Thanks, I’m thinking of having my husband try this since it’s not clear that he’s a good candidate for the prescription meds or the allergy shots/drops tolerance therapy (because of other meds/conditions).

        1. Look for a practice that specifically deals with allergies. I find it a huge help.

  9. I am not Moira Rose, but per the vacation clothes thread earlier, I shopped as if I am she. I now own a dramatic shiny brocade/jacquard (I’m not up on my fabrics, but you get my drift) evening coat (and it is not a coat in any sense of warmth, but a layer to put over a fancy outfit just for making a notable entrance to a fancy event). Which I did (highly recommend; if you’ve put on a size or two but still want to wow, a statement piece is the way to go). Can I wear this around normally? Or just put in the back of the closet for the next non-summer big event (it is a reunion year for me next year)?

    1. I have no advice but it sounds like you really enjoyed yourself and that was awesome to read!

  10. Somewhat related to this morning’s discussion on being a single mother by choice. I’ve thought about doing this for years, but haven’t made any serious steps towards it. I’ve joined SMBC Facebook groups to learn more information, but that’s about it. I’ve also dated off and on, but lately, I keep coming back to the same thought – I want to have a kid, but I don’t actually want to have a kid WITH a husband. I don’t think I could manage both. I don’t think I WANT both. It’s difficult to put into words. I feel crazy for feeling this way, like there’s something wrong with me. Has anyone else felt this way too? Just me?

    2. This is not why I choose to become a SMC. But I know many others from my local group who did for this reason. So, I don’t think it’s that unusual. And it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you

    3. I’m divorced. I would highly recommend this approach over having a child with a man who you settled for. My children are profoundly affected by family court putting their father’s rights ahead of the children’s needs and their wellbeing. They are in therapy 2x a week each.

      1. I’m sorry. I have never been able to unsee this ugly side of our society. It’s hard to grow up knowing from experience how messed up our authorities and institutions are when it comes to men.

  11. Do you think there are certain people who are prone to being dissatisfied in jobs, even while getting good performance reviews? I have been working nearly 20 years in the same profession, with 2-3 years being the average length for each role/company (shortest is over 1 year, and longest is 5 years because I was waiting for equity to vest). I am a strong performer with good reviews, and I’ve never been laid off or had a gap in employment. All the moves have been my choice because I became dissatisfied with my job for one reason or another. I’m about 1.5 years into my current role and am starting to get the itch to look again, which seems weird because I thought I would be more settled by this point in my career. I don’t know if I’ve been unlucky compared to friends who have been with the same company for a decade or whether I’m just hard to please, but with each move it feels like it’s the latter. How do I shake off the ennui and stay in one place for longer? Any insights or advice appreciated.

    1. Yes, of course. What are the reasons you’ve been dissatisfied? I’m sure folks here would be happy to tell you whether you’re being reasonable or not.

    2. There’s always complainers, but it sounds like you are maybe getting restless and looking for a new challenge? Nothing wrong with that in and of itself, unless it’s no longer serving you.

    3. I’m like this too. I’m not a complainer either. More that as I reach senior levels
      In my field, I am increasingly disinterested in dealing with corporate bs, bureaucracy etc. There seems to be a tipping point about 18 months into a tole where I decide it’s worth looking or stay put. I feel I am definitely in the minority on this though but I truly can’t imagine working in one place for decades like many of my colleagues.

    4. pros of staying in one place- you really get to know the office politics and bureaucracy (which let’s face it, everywhere has it); until you master the rules it’s a lot harder to play or bend them; established goodwill; build real relationships with people at your org and become that go-to source for info and get involved in interesting stuff.

      pros of moving- often move yourself up the salary scale a bit faster since lateral hires usually get more than internal promotions, don’t HAVE to get well-integrated enough since you’re constantly “relatively new” so “wouldn’t have the history” etc.

      1. I think the pro’s of moving start to rapidly decline the more senior you get and the further along in your career. As a hiring manager, I would be leery of someone with OP’s record of jumping around.

        1. OP here, and yes, this is my concern. Most of my moves have been for increasing responsibility and/or pay and can be rationalized in isolation, but I can’t deny the pattern. The job where I stayed the longest was objectively the worst but I stuck it out because of valuable retention incentives the employer offered me (so I can grit it out when needed).

          Current job is okay in terms of compensation and responsibility, but I’m getting annoyed by some Tradwick type leadership and the fact that the company pursued a strategy that I disagreed with and now I’m spending my days cleaning up issues from that dumb strategy. I really thought this was the job I could stick with for a long time. I think my standards may be too high/unrealistic so I do want help reframing so I can stick it out longer.

          1. Unless you stick around long enough to MAKE the strategy, this will keep happening. And then you’ll have some people under you who think it’s dumb, and you’ll have to manage that.

          2. If you truly do have too high/unrealistic standards, it can help to figure out where they come from, in order to release some of them and shift your mindset and approach. There are so many reasons someone could have standards that are too high/unrealistic: Some people are perfectionists who hold themselves and others to incredibly high standards. Some people are idealists who think that if you just try hard enough, you can find the perfect person/setting. Some people lack humility and think they know the Best Right Way. Some people chanced into a really really superb mentor or first workplace, and then hold everything else to that standard. Some people approach a workplace like they would a dating relationship: everything is dazzlingly wonderful, until the cracks are revealed, and then they’re out of there, looking for that dazzling honeymoon stage again.

            Those are just a few reasons; there are many others. What do you think yours are? Find out, and then use that understanding to frame a new approach for yourself.

          3. I hate to say it, but you’re basically describing all jobs. Unless it’s your company or you’re the CEO, there’s going to be a strategy you don’t like or that was a bad idea or whatever. It’s just part of working. There’s also always going to be someone you don’t like or whose leadership you don’t respect. The key is having these things be a bug and not a feature. But everywhere has these bugs. It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations.

    5. You describe yourself as:
      dissatisfied with my job for one reason or another
      getting the itch to look for a job after 1.5 years
      hard to please
      ennui

      Which one of those rings most true: do you have too-high standards that no job is ever going to meet? When you feel dissatisfied, do you understand what that’s about? Do you get bored and restless when you’ve mastered a job and want a new challenge?

      Depending on how you’d answer all those questions, I might counsel you to look for a new job, or I might counsel you to learn how to live with feelings of discomfort and stay where you are.

    6. Yes. I’ve worked peripherally w someone who has hated every job she’s ever had at our org. But she’s smart and does good work. She lets off steam w travel.

    7. I am like this, but it’s also why I enjoy consulting. I just like to solve a challenge and then I want a new challenge to solve. I think there are people who like routine and that works for them. I like variety. My time limit is about 2 years too so you’re not alone in that.

    8. Interesting, I’ve done the same (nearly 20 years in the industry, 2-4 year roles) and feel the same way about a year plus into each job. What I learned about myself through executive coaching, therapy, and conversations with recruiters is that I like to dive deep and build systems that are easy to upkeep. If I’m then stuck in the role of the upkeeper I get resentful because it’s beneath my skillset and outside of my interest. There have also been a couple of times where things were basically unfixable (one due to a very senior VP who lied about product to drive sales, and one due to a very inflexible client who thwarted any efforts to upgrade their ancient systems) and I got anxy to leave those jobs much sooner as there was nothing for me to do other than work around it and keep the status quo (not my forte or interest).

      What’s helped me is to position myself as the fixer inside of a large corporation so my job hopping isn’t a resume hit, instead I’m a team player going where I am needed. Unfortunately, I’m bad at politics and have had to expend very sizeable efforts building and upkeeping relationships that allow me this movement. It’s pretty exhausting but any time I take a step back from this I find myself regretting it six months later. I’d like to say it gets easier with practice but not for me.

  12. I like the belt over a sheath dress look but don’t know how to pull it off. I’ve got pretty narrow hips, at least relative to the width of my waist, and wearing a belt seems to emphasize the lack of an hourglass shape.

    1. You maybe have two desires that are at odds with each other: you want to wear a belt over a fitted, structured garment, but you want to do it in a way that doesn’t highlight your waist size relative to your hip size. I don’t know how it’s possible to do those two things at the same time, unless the sheath dress is fairly loose below the waist, so that it doesn’t highlight your hip size. If you were wearing a blouse, I’d tell you to blouse it above the belt, and then let it flow out again below it. That creates an hourglass effect. But you can’t do that with a sheath dress.

  13. If you buy $$$ handbags or accessories/watches, how did you feel making that first big purchase? What was the occasion?

    I want to mark this year and celebrate myself for two things. One, I’m about to hit the 500K milestone in my personal finances at 31. You all are the only ones I’m probably ever going to tell about this. Two, I’ve also had a tough year at work with high visibility projects, high workload, and higher expectations. It’s been all stress for 5-6 months now.

    I don’t have a partner, and the other typical markers of adult success that are celebrated arn’t on the horizon for me right now (engagement/wedding, home ownership etc).

    There’s a luxury handbag in the $2-3K range that I’ve been admiring casually for about a year and a half. I’m starting to seriously consider buying this bag after looking at my finances a couple weeks ago. I could afford it but it would be a big spend.

    I’ve never spent more than $300 on a single bag before, and don’t want the sticker shock to cause regret or ruin owning this bag. I have a couple inexpensive bags in a similar sizes that I enjoy using so, I know it would be used regularly.

    1. I buy expensive things but I focus on jewelry exclusively. Handbags and shoes and the like get worn out over time. I’m not a big watch person but I did break my jewels only rule for a Cartier tank. I always get something to mark career successes.

    2. I assume you’ve thought through how you’ll feel carrying around a visibly expensive bag (visible, at least, to people who recognize the brand). If that fits OK in your everyday life, and if your taste stays fairly consistent over time, go for it! I think you have to set aside the fear of regret, or, conversely, get really clear on what factors could cause you to regret this purchase. Otherwise, a vague fear of regret could paralyze you.

      Personally, I’d be more likely to buy a piece of art (of any kind – painting, art glass, pottery, textile).

    3. How will you feel if the bag gets worn from use? Will you feel worried slinging it around like less expensive bags? Like in theory I could splurge on a medium crossbody bc I use them so regularly, but I’d be precious about a 4 figure bag vs grabbing it for a grocery run.

    4. I bought a pre-owned, in excellent shape YSL crossbody as a reward to myself for hitting some career goals last year. It ended up being about $1200, so not an insignificant purchase but not full price. I love it. I like that since it’s pre-owned, it’s not pristine so minor use isn’t noticeable. It makes me happy to use it and I’ll honestly have it forever.

      Go for it!

    5. The first time I got a really big bonus, my husband and I splurged by replacing our mattress and TV. It felt luxurious and extravagant. The second time, with most of those those basic upgrades out of the way, I decided to splurge on a beautiful vintage ring in a price range I would never before have considered reasonable. I love the ring still, although it’s not a daily wear piece. This isn’t something I expected, but making that purchase felt powerful. Choosing to spend that money and then doing it was somehow empowering. I don’t regret the purchase one bit. I’ve bought other jewelry since then, but never a statement handbag. That may be just a matter of personal preference. In your case, you can afford it, you’ve thought about it carefully, you’ll probably love it, and you’ve earned it. Treat yourself!

    6. I think you have to know yourself here. I thought I wanted a luxury, designer bag until I actually bought it and felt really uncomfortable using it. To me, it was a symbol of my accomplishments but represented a lifestyle I was not going to adopt rather than fitting in to my actual routine. It was out of place with my weekend farmer’s market trips, and literally just sat in a drawer at the office each day. It didn’t turn me into someone who shops in Paris or browses for wine in Tuscany or anything like that. It sat on the seat in my car during my commute, sat in a closet at home, and that was not worth it to me.

      I realized what I really wanted was a high quality, well made bag that fit my exact preferences for pockets, closures, strap length and configuration, material, color, etc. Once I searched for that criteria outside designer labels, I found a perfect match off the shelf for a tenth the price, as well as leather artists who could have made it for me at a comparable cost. I sold my designer (bag at a loss), bought the one I really wanted, and don’t regret the pivot.

      1. Outside of a couple of extremely exclusive collectible bags, it’s unlikely you’d ever make a profit from selling a designer bag.

          1. Just pointing it out since the OP is considering a bag versus something that could hold value.

      2. OP Here you comment and 10:43 are the two sides of the coin arnt they- this is what I fear. Buying a symbolic item and then it’s symbolism being tarnished in someway if it’s unusable for my life.

        The bag is a more casual, slightly hobo silohuette, if you will. A bit of wear would add to the personality. I think it would fit in my parents small midwest city’s farmer market without being wildly out of place or flashy. As bags go the branding is pretty discreet, and only on one location on the outside.

        1. My only rule is use the nice things. If you buy something good, wear it and use it. Otherwise it’s nothing but a disappointment and a waste of money.

        2. I’m OP at 10:43. I could buy a Birkin bag if I really wanted to but that sort of wealth signaling would make me very uncomfortable. I realized thinking about this that I have bought expensive bags, just not ones with the kinds of designer labels people would notice. I have a gorgeous small leather crossbody that I love because it’s incredibly well made and high quality and I love using it for those reasons. It’s an Italian designer that I’d never heard of before so I don’t feel self conscious wearing it. When I bought it, it felt like a big splurge — something like $400, way more than I’m used to thinking a small bag should cost. Even though technically I’ve been able to afford designer stuff for a long time now, I still have that tug of, wow this is so expensive, so extravagant! I think it’s important not to lose that sense of what a dollar is worth and what things are worth and to make considered decisions when splurging. All of that is to say: Enjoy your new bag!

    7. So I’m a “use your things” person and also a “absolutely buy something to celebrate your success” person. For the latter, I prefer things that will last generations so I tend toward jewelry and art because I’ve never met a handbag designer or otherwise that I didn’t wear to its death in a few years. If that won’t bug you, get the bag.

    8. I purchased my 1st luxury bag as a push present to myself. It was a work bag and it has held up really well over the last 10 yrs. It was a lovely structure leather bag and I feel happy every time I carry it. In my life outside work I’d never carry anything too expensive as I’m not very careful with my bags.
      Since then I’ve bought a few other luxury work bags and I love them all. They have held up much better than the non luxury one’s I’ve owned and are all still in rotation.
      As few others have mentioned, this is a very “know yourself” question. I have toyed with buying casual designer bags. But I am very sure I’d not get much use from them as they don’t go with my lifestyle, personality, style etc.

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