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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Arden Blazer

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A woman wearing a white inner top with yellow blazer top and light denim pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This gorgeous blazer is made with J.Crew’s new “luster canvas” fabric, which I’m eager to see in person. The basketweave texture combined with the beautiful pale yellow color feels perfect for a summer jacket.

I would pair this with navy, light blue, or light gray for the office, but it would also look great with denim. (And yes, it does come with a coordinating short if you’re dying to get in on the shorts suit trend.)

The blazer is $278 at J.Crew and comes in sizes 000-24. It also comes in ivory. 

Sales of note for 6/24/25:

  • Nordstrom – Designer clearance up to 60% off
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off tops & sweaters + extra 30% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – Sale up to 50% off
  • Eloquii – Semi-annual clearance, up to 80% off
  • J.Crew – Big Summer Event: Up to 50% off almost everything (ends 6/26) + extra 50% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off + extra 60% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Rothy's – Semi-annual event, up to 50% off seasonal faves
  • Spanx – End-of-season sale
  • Talbots – Extra 30% off markdowns (ends 6/24) + $24.50+ summer favorites

366 Comments

  1. Ugh. Just got an invite to a wedding and the online RSVP asks guests to refrain from wearing white, purple, blue, and green. Just me or is this over the top? I obviously wouldn’t wear white, but you can’t just claim three other colors as off-limits (especially a color as common as blue!).

    I guess I always felt that dress codes were intended to set the tone and prevent guests from feeling out of place by being under- or over- dressed, not so you can orchestrate every last detail. Or maybe I’m just annoyed because I have two summer cocktail dresses that are green and blue, and my three year old has an adorable dress with pink and purple flowers. And my husband’s summer suit is navy, is that off-limits?

    1. i agree it’s precious and you’re right of course that a navy suit or blazer is very common. it’s definitely a product of instagram and the focus on the pictures. that said, i would honor it. i do think if you know the bride and groom (or even better someone adjacent who might also think this is ridiculous) you can ask if they really mean don’t wear navy suits.

      1. I agree with this one of three reasonable comments (before everyone down thread starts calling OP’s cousin a ridiculous psycho). It’s an annoying dress code, but it’s not unhinged and I think black dress and navy suit are fine. I know navy is technically on the blue spectrum, but as far as clothing goes, it’s really treated as a separate colour.
        Some little purple flowers on a toddler are fine too as long as at a glance the outfit reads as some other colour like pink.
        Now, if you go outfitted like that and get told off, then the couple are weddingzillas and please come back so we can properly excoriate them.

    2. I lean very low-intervention on dress codes (I told my half of the bridal party to, “wear something you like, maybe on the colorful cocktail party side?”) so would consider this over the top. Personally I would still have your 3 year old wear the cute floral dress – I would take these instructions to mean no solid colors – and your husband wear the navy suit. The bride shouldn’t expect you to buy a new suit as a guest.

      1. if she says no navy suits i would have him wear khackis and a button down (or whatever is similar that a grown man might already have in his closet) i would not buy a new suit if he only has one.

        1. Sorry, but as the husband I would not embarrass myself by dressing like a tech support worker for a wedding. And what color shirt would he wear anyway if blue and white, the most common colors for men’s shirts, are banned? Lavender wouldn’t even be permitted, so he’d be limited to pink. Just wear the navy suit like a normal person.

          3. There are other colors of suits. I think it’s ridiculous, but it’s not like gray suits don’t exist.

          4. You want him to purchase and have tailored a gray suit just for one wedding? That is many hundreds of dollars.

        2. Depending on how close I was to the couple, I might decline the invitation if a navy suit is unacceptable.

          1. I agree. Suits are expensive! I wouldn’t want to buy one just to accommodate someone’s ridiculous dress code when I already have something appropriate for the occasion.

      2. Yeah, buying a new suit just isn’t in the budget between daycare and my husband being in grad school. He has a charcoal suit, but i think it’s too small now.
        The bride is my husband’s cousin. Some of the uncles are the type that would try to wear jeans (actually, two did to our wedding!), so I think there are bigger sartorial fish to fry here. I’m curious to see how others will dress!

        1. Ok real talk: I’d be so annoyed by this and frankly my inner mean girl says it’s tacky as all get out. Wearing jeans to a nice wedding and putting color restrictions on guests – oh and good grief assuming they need to be told not to wear white- are just two sides of the same tacky, no style coin. In reality, I’d probably buy myself a new dress and send my husband in his blue suit and try to be gracious and have fun.

    3. This is very strange. I’ve literally never heard of such a thing. Obviously the bridal party is wearing those colors, but you can’t plan what guests wear. Everyone will still know who is in the wedding. And her pics will reflect if. I honestly would know what to wear to such a wedding bc i don’t really wear red, orange or yellow. Plus there are a million shades of each of those colors. I feel like the bride and groom are going to end up being contacted by everyone they know asking if light blue is ok, etc

          1. That’s not the point–it’s that the bride will reap the rewards of her choice.

      2. I wonder when in history bridesmaids just wore their clothes. IIRC, Queen Victoria started the tradition of wearing white, but I think in colonial times in the US, a bride typically sewed her own new dress and then wore it often in her first year of marriage (possibly with modifications) as her current nice dress. It might be reworked several times. Then you had a white dress, worn once. At some point, we got not just a maid/matron of honor, but a matching set of slender friends and family in polyester dresses they’d never wear again, with dyed shoes. How hard is it to get from one end of the church to the other? [I get that it is fun and helpful to get ready with your BFFs, and that that’s the best part of any event usually, but that is different IMO than what the role has morphed into.]

        No once the Car Talk guys called it the Marital Industrial Complex.

    4. I would just turn down the invitation. The color restrictions are a sign that there will be more ridiculous demands and restrictions. There were three such bridezillas in my family. One forced all the guests to stand outdoors for more than half an hour in 30-degree weather just to get the perfect “entrance” photos. Another purposely rented fewer chairs and tables than there were guests, and did not have assigned dinner seating, in order to force guests to mingle, meaning that we had to fight to ensure her 80-year-old grandparents a place to sit. The third ran out of food before everyone made it through the buffet line, so my 10-year-old and I were starving the whole night. If you attend, you will not be a guest but merely a neglected prop for this woman’s photos.

      2. The groom is part of these decisions too. The couple is rude and obnoxious- not sure why you’re only blaming the bride

    5. All my nice event dresses are blue and purple, if I got this invite I’d be showing up to the wedding in black.

      1. I do have one black cocktail dress, but it feels very winter evening for this (2pm outdoor ceremony in August). I might just wear it anyway.

        1. That’s what the bride gets for her insane requirements. Expecting guests to buy new attire is so entitled.

          1. Bingo! Literally every special occasion dress I own is a shade of pink, blue, or purple. People have started planning events more for the photos than anything else, and it’s ridiculous.

      2. I agree with this. Black wouldn’t be my normal attire for an afternoon wedding in the summer, but I don’t own a single item of nice clothing in red, orange, yellow, or any shade of brown so by ruling out all of the colors I normally wear, you can get me in a black dress or brown hiking pants.

      1. This is exactly what I’d do. She is not going to kick you out. You’re not going to be in most of the pics anyway. Honestly on the actual day, it’s unlikely anyone will even notice as long as everyone is dressed well.

        Also, it’s extremely rude to dictate what colors someone can wear to your wedding.

      1. “Oh, so sorry we will be inable to attend because none of us owns clothing that fits the dress code. I hope the photos are lovely!”

      2. This is a family wedding (bride is my husband’s cousin) and there would be major fallout for not attending. We also actually like these people and enjoy spending time with his family. I think citing the dress code as a reason on the online RSVP would look as over-the-top as the dress code!

        1. Just don’t buy them a present since they’re asking you to spend money on their “vision” by buying new clothes. The fabulous dress you’re getting to comply with them is their gift.

          1. I definitely understand this sentiment, but that wouldn’t go over well, either! Husband is from an immigrant family where giving a good chunk of cash for weddings is a social norm. That said, maybe we’ll take it from $$$ to $$ if we get new clothes.

          2. I doubt that this dress code is a social norm in your family, so I think you’re okay to ignore some social norms, too!

        2. If you have a solid (made-up) reason for declining, the family won’t get mad. Just lie. His cousin is a crazy lady.

        3. If you actually like these people, I would pick up the phone and have a conversation. “Hey Susie, I’m so excited for your wedding! We are struggling a bit with the dress code. Joe has a navy suit, and I most of my dresses are in colors you have listed on the invite. We don’t have the budget for new outfits right now. Is there any flexibility on the dress code?”.
          I did this when my close friend has a “fancy hats mandatory” dress code. I own a floppy beach hat and a baseball cap and had zero interest in buying a fancy hat. We compromised on a fascinator, which was like 20 bucks on Etsy. Turns out she was hoping for “fancy British vibe” and that worked just fine.

        4. True story: I backed out last minute (two days before the ceremony) from a cousin’s wedding. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid. The dress arrived, I picked it up, and instead of the size 10 they ordered, the dress was a very badly modified plus size 24. The bottom hem had been roughly chopped off to make the dress the correct length, but not rehemmed (just ragged, unraveling layers of satin). The strappy top half was so large there was no way to make it work. The open plunge backline hung below my butt crack, the armpit holes were down to my waist, and the front v was nearly to my belly button. It was also so wide I could have fit several of me inside at once. There was literally no way to rig that thing up to be suitable for public wearing, much less standing at the front with three others wearing normally-sized dresses.

          My cousin’s mom first tried to insist I just needed fashion tape, but there was not enough fabric in the necessary locations to tape. Then she tried to say I should just buy another dress (this thing was special ordered to meet my cousin’s specs, there was not time to get another shipped in even if the right size & color existed). Then she tried to say that if I really loved my cousin I would wear it as-is and not complain (my b0obs were literally on display; pasties would have done nothing). She then wanted to try to sew it up herself (she didn’t know how to sew and didn’t own a sewing machine). I politely declined all of these, apologized for not being able to participate as originally planned, but wished the happy couple all the best. Cousin, her mom, and I are all still family on good terms and I’m not sure my cousin or her mom even remember this incident 20 years later.

          My point is that as an adult, you don’t have to kowtow to your family’s every whim and demand. You can try to accommodate, you can decline if it is not feasible for you (or even if you simply don’t want to do it), you can choose to make a scene or be polite, you can determine how you react. You cannot choose their behavior and you cannot control how they respond to you, but living your life to appease family in every circumstance means you will have to sacrifice and compromise to your own detriment.

          1. I hope the store at least gave you your money back!

            I’m the cousin’s position, I would have asked you to hit Nordstrom, Dillard’s, or Davis’s Bridal and find something that coordinates reasonably well with the other bridesmaids that can be worn off the rack.

          2. Unfortunately, the color was unusual for the season & trends at the time and this was a wedding party where all the bridesmaids were wearing matchy-matchy, identical dresses. The guy I was supposed to be paired with on the groom’s side was another distant relation who was basically added for symmetry, so both of us ended up not standing with the party and it worked out just fine.

          3. In every family there are the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’ usually there are two options if you’re a have not, capitulate to the haves or be ex communicated.

          6. That’s awful. But I have to ask, didn’t anyone consider having you stand up with the bride as a bridesmaid wearing a dress of your own that didn’t “match“? I suppose, based on what your cousin’s mother tried to do, it was more important that all bridesmaids had the same dress.

        5. Your husband and daughter can wear their clothes they already have. You have an excuse to buy a new dress, or rent the runway.

    8. I’m getting married in September and agree this is overboard. They probably want only the wedding party in those colors but it’s still a bit much. We just said cocktail attire and assume everyone knows don’t wear white. I think a navy suit is fine. I’d try to follow the dress code but I’m not sure I would buy a new dress just for a ridiculous dress code.

    9. I would either RSVP no or not send a present in response to an invitation like that.

    10. That is a really self-centered attitude. If this is one of those “person’s in my circle but not that close” invites I would probably not attend. Weddings are expensive enough without being told you may have to purchase new clothes to attend!

    11. So I agree this is probably what the bridal party is wearing, but given that since you and your husband are family and not going to be confused with the bridal party, I wouldn’t worry about it – the TikTok generation isn’t featuring the older relatives in their photos. Definitely wouldn’t have your husband get a new suit. The key is just knowing where you rank on the guest hierarchy and you guys are not going to be at the top.

      2. 100% this, and let’s be real- she can’t expect everyone to read and remember that statement on the website AND no one is going to come over and ask why you’re wearing blue or purple. Ignore and go about your life….

        1. This is definitely the type of statement I would “forget” that I ever read in the first place.

    12. This is definitely psycho bridezilla stuff, you have a right to feel annoyed by it. Not letting folks wear navy suits? The majority of dudes I know have a navy suit as their go-to wedding look. This is definitely irritating and would be a reason I’d consider not attending.

      1. I think that’s easy to say in a vacuum, but yes, we do like these people! We also love this side of the family and haven’t seen some of them in a few years, so we will be attending. I think I’ve settled on wearing a black dress that’s less than ideal for an August afternoon, husband can wear the navy suit and 3 year old is either wearing what we have unless if we can scare up a hand me down from somewhere.

        1. I bet the restrictions are only intended to apply to female guests, and that the couple didn’t even think about men’s suits.

          1. I agree; I think we’re putting way more thought into this than the bride and groom ever did.

          2. I would not go to any effort or spend any money on this. The bride will not even notice what OP’s family wears, and the effort will not be appreciated. Wear the nice things you already own,

    15. I feel like it’s too much to keep track of. Obviously, no one wears white to a wedding but the bride. The rest? I’d just show up looking appropriate in the clothes I planned to wear and expect to hear no more about it. If I were ever pressed, I’d just shrug and say that with two teen drivers, elder care, a job, and getting a dog sitter, it had slipped my mind (or I had a dress that just didn’t fit this morning, which has also happened). Ugh. People.

    16. I’d be struggling with this like everyone else. But I will say that I don’t universally hate a heads up on color. I was someone’s plus one (so not close) at a wedding recently and was wearing an orchid color–only to find out orchid was the wedding party’s color, and the cut of my dress was even similar. All night I had people assuming I was part of the group. I felt super awkward and would have preferred to blend into the background of guests if I could have. Don’t tell me I can’t wear half of the rainbow–but do clue me in if you’re going to pick one distinct hue.

      1. When the invite has a color theme or if they have a blog page or registry with a design, I assume that is the path they are going down with the rest of the wedding. It’s not always perfect but more often than not I have noticed the main color in the invite is used in the wedding party.

      2. I agree that a “the bridal party will be wearing orchid dresses” is helpful so you know not to wear a long orchid dress (or at the least, you can make an informed choice), but outright banning half the color wheel is too far.

    17. Sounds like bride is going to have a lot of ladies in black or red (which as a southern girl I was told to never wear to a wedding) or colors like yellow or peach that can photograph white depending on the lighting.

      And men in charcoal suits or tuxes. Actually, I think the men will completely ignore this. The dress code seems targeted to women anyway. No one says a man can’t wear a white shirt.

    18. Over the top, for sure. I’d do the best I could with the clothes I actually had, but I wouldn’t feel obligated to go with the dress code. If it was my family, I’d b*tch to my mom about the dress code and my mom would complain to the MOB, and it would probably get walked back. But seriously, why do people do this kind of thing? Do we not have enough to do already?

    19. It’s absurd. White and white-adjacent colors like ice blue are the only colors wedding guests should have to avoid. I would be tempted to wear bright purple or something to spite them.

      I don’t even understand the “its’ for the ‘gram” comments. Our wedding colors were purple (primary), white and green and plenty of people wore purple and green. If anything I think it’s more visually appealing in photographs to have guests match the wedding color palette (though asking guests to wear specific colors is not reasonable)! No one is going to confuse a guest for the wedding party unless they’re in a long solid color dress that happens to be the exact shade of the bridesmaids’ which seems unlikely.

  2. Reporting on a little story from a date this past weekend that I think (some of) y’all will chuckle at. So I went out with a guy from one of the dating apps. The brewery was only a few miles from my apartment, but I chose to Uber there because I’m in a surgical walking boot on the left foot, and I also don’t like driving after drinking. The date went well, he was super sweet, and he offered to drive me home, to which I said yes. He had a relatively new truck. When he was pulling into my apartment complex parking lot, he first parked in a space with cars on either side. Then, he said “let me park over there instead so you have more room to get out” – he was pointing to an area with no cars and also referencing my walking boot situation (the truck was high off the ground and I struggled a little bit to get into it with my boot). I commented “oh yeah, I definitely don’t want to ding the door on your truck!” (inside, I was thinking about the thread here recently). His response? “Oh it’s just a truck, definitely not worried about that – just want to make sure you are comfortable!” He helped me in and out of the truck, too! Definitely seeing him again :)

    1. nice. good! i am long divorced and have been off and on the sites for years (currently off, 4 years in with a lovely man i met on hinge) and there really are plenty of nice men out there. sometimes it’s funnier to pretend that it’s all nonsense and games but it’s really not true. and hope you’re foot heals quickly!

    5. We are really celebrating dudes doing the bare minimum, aren’t we? Happy he did this, hopefully he does a lot more too!

      2. So real question: are you this cynical in real life, or just online? Do you find that you’re generally a happy person? Or do you find that your habit is to seek out the worst?

      3. Jeez, it was a cute story and related to a discussion point here. Not a referendum on all men.

        Honestly, some of you know some REALLY crappy guys, apparently.

      4. I’m guessing this attitude worked really well for you when you were younger (men jumped to meet your demands), and will work out increasingly poorly as you age (sane men will find it to be exhausting and entitled).

    7. That’s so sweet. I never let men drive me home after the first date (I didn’t have a car at the time), but I made an exception for my now husband. Sometimes when you know, you know.

    8. That’s so sweet! My husband had his whole truck cleaned when he planned to take me out on our first few dates (little did I know it would never be clean again, ha)!

      2. my husband was the same with his apartment. I showed up unplanned one time and was kind of horrified.

      4. Some of you need to spend just a bit of time playing around with a BAC calculator. Men metabolise alcohol faster than women do, and men are generally larger than women are.

        A two hundred pound man who had two drinks over the course of an hour and a half would have a BAC of around 0.025, or about one-third the legal limit.

        In the same situation, a 120 pound woman would have a BAC of about 0.057.

          1. “Drinking and driving” has a literal and a colloquial meaning; the latter doesn’t match the former.

            Sorry you have problems, but 0.03 is not anything to get worked up over.

  3. Thanks so much for the great tips on how to negotiate for a new car! Employed them successfully and now we have a brand-new vehicle purchased under MSRP, so we’re happy.

    Now for another question – selling your old car. The dealer didn’t even make us an offer because it was so low (she said “I’m not even going to show you this because it’s embarrassing. Just sell privately”). We’re considering either the ease of something like Carmax or the potentially higher sale price of private. My husband I are disagreeing on how much the car needs done first. He thinks cosmetic scratches and paint chips should be fixed, but I don’t because rumor is that the used market is hot and I think we can sell as is. It would be for a Subaru Outback, 2013, with just over 100k miles, so a somewhat in demand car. Thoughts? Also, thoughts on letting someone take it for an inspection vs us providing an inspection report?

    1. I would not put any money into fixing the car. I would get it washed and the interior cleaned if you are planning to sell it privately.

      It strikes me as very scammy that the saleswoman refused to show you the trade valuation. I would suspect that it means the car is actually worth something that would have somehow reduced her commission. I would start by getting offers from Carmax and Carvana and looking up the Edmunds True Market Value.

    2. I’d make sure you understand the vehicle transfer process for your state. So many people don’t properly change registration

    3. I am not up to date on the used car market, but I’d be shocked if you get your money back on small cosmetic fixes on a car with 100k miles.

      1. i have a 2017 subaru outback with about 140K on it. works like a charm but is definitely dinged up. I have done a little research (was debating getting a newer car, this is the one my kid drives) and i think i could get $6k for it. I also talked to a body shop about having the scrapes and dings fixed and it was also going to cost about $4k. I do not think it’s worth fixing. whoever is buying a 2013 subaru isn’t looking for it to be jazzy. Also, i’m surprised your dealer said that bc every time mine goes for servicing they offer to buy it out from me. c

    4. Definitely don’t fix up the scratches/paint chips – we sold our car to carmax and the salesman said it’s a waste of money for people to do that because they do it at the dealership before they resell for much cheaper, so you don’t get a return on the investment. My husband was trying to sell a similar car privately and it was a huge pain, so we were happy to make less money but have none of the hassle by going through carmax.

      1. +1 I’ve sold a car privately and through CarMax and I’d choose CarMax again a million times before I did an actual private sale again.

        Also, with CarMax you get an offer online without them seeing the car, so not worth washing or fixing anything. Especially because they use super broad categories for the condition.

        For reference I just sold my 2021 Mazda CX-5 for $21,000 through CarMax. I was super happy with that price.

    5. George Akerlof received the Nobel Prize in Economics for explaining why you’re right.

      “The Market for ‘Lemons’: Quality Uncertainty and the Market Mechanism.” Worth a read.

    7. I wouldn’t fix the dings. I would also say that, as a buyer, I’d be very, very interested in your 2013 Outback with only 100k on it, and would eagerly contact you if I saw it advertised. Especially if it had been owned by a guy who apparently cared for it so well that he’s concerned about getting dings fixed before selling it. So you might want to give the private sale route a try, before you go the Carmax route. It’s probably worth more than you might think.

      1. Get a quote from Carvana. We sold our MDX on it for like $5000. We probably could have gotten $5500-$6000 private party with some heavy cleaning, polishing, marketing, and several days of test drives, but Carvana just showed up and took it away in as-is condition.
        Post it on marketplace for $1k over what Carvana offers and see if you have any interest at all. If not, just sign it over.

    8. If this were my vehicle: I would give it a basic car wash, vacuum & wipe down the interior, print up a for sale sign at the high end of private market value as shown on KBB, list any major recent work done on it (new tires at 92k miles, brakes at 97k miles, regular LOF – records available), and park it by my middling busy rural road. I would expect to have cash in hand within a month.

    9. I have over 150k miles on my 2013 Subaru Crosstrek, with not-terrible maintenance, so sure, wash the exterior and clean/vacuum the interior, but don’t put any money into it. If you have been diligent with maintenance, maybe get those records in order (like, I did replace the exhaust system and have passed emissions, had a deer bounce (if they would just look both ways!) off my rear quarter panel for cosmetic body work, things like that.

    10. Get it cleaned well (and power wash the engine!) and then sell as is, dings etc in place. Don’t bother with an inspection- that should be on the buyer to do so. I’d list on craigslist for say 2 weeks then sell to carmax if it’s a hassle or you aren’t getting interest.

    11. Your car is very desirable. Great reliable car, not that old, amazing mileage. People will be willing to pay good $$ for it.

      Definitely do not do any repairs / cosmetic stuff. I cleaned my Toyota Camry very well, inside and out. I did an oil change, but honestly I shouldn’t have even spent the $ on that.

      Bring it to Carmax for an estimate. If you like their price, then take it.

      If you want to get more, use the Carmax price as your bottom. Then sell it on Craigslist etc…. for at least a couple thousand more. I just parked mine on the street for a few days with a sign on it with the mileage, and the price. That’s it. I had many calls and it sold quickly. I did the exchange ($ for car) in a public parking lot nearby, cash only. Take a person with you if you feel unsafe, or do the exchange in a police station parking lot.

    12. Carmax and the dealer told me our 25 year old, 175k mile Toyota was worthless, literally $0 value. I sold it on FB marketplace for $3,500 and could have gotten more if I’d had more willingness to invest time in the selling process. I’d definitely do it buyer-to-buyer. It was surprisingly little effort and I sold it to the first guy who saw it less than 12 hours after I’d listed it. We did not fix cosmetic issues and I think with a 10+ year old car it’s not going to be worth the investment to do that, since no one buying a car that old really cares about cosmetic issues. Our buyer did not ask for an inspection or inspection report, but clearly thought the price was a good deal and he might lose it if he delayed. And yes, look into state rules about signing over title and removing license plates, but it was straightforward in our state.

  4. I have been asked to mentor a junior colleague who wants to be more proactive and assertive in their interactions and communications. (The request for mentoring came from the colleague.) From my interactions, this colleague is reserved and hesitant in voicing their thoughts and opinions. We are in-house counsel who draft and negotiate complex and bespoke transactions. Does anyone have any resources or thoughts on how to approach this mentoring relationship? How can I be of most help to this colleague?

    1. not to get off topic but did this colleague use the word mentor or were they like “hey i really value your opinion and wanted your thoughts?”

    2. One Minute Mentoring by John Kotter. Very actionable and quick.

      Also, get comfortable with the idea of coaching vs. mentoring—asking provocative questions to spur on insights from the mentee vs telling them how you would do it. Mix it up.

        1. If you want some quick helpful coaching info, The Coaching Havit by Michael Bungay Stanier is an excellent and fast (!) read. These two books work well together for mentors, managers, and leaders.

    3. As someone who also negotiates complex transactions as in-house counsel and was once a quiet and reserved summer student at a law firm, here are some things that helped me.
      – Give specific examples. My mentor pointed out all the things I did that made me less confident. Like saying “sorry” and “just” (“just a quick review” “just wondering”) a lot. And raising my voice at the end of a sentence like a question. Once I realized that, I stopped doing this.
      – Ask them to think of a role model and channel that. Not to sound cheesy, but I kind of impersonate Diane Lockhart from the Good Wife/Good Fight when I’m in lawyer mode. Like I’m playing the character of a ba**ss lawyer, even if that’s not naturally who I am. On a less cheesy note, I watched how partners I admired handled stuff, and tried to copy that.
      – Get them to think about their owns strengths and negotiating style. I’m never the loudest, fiercest person in the room. But I discovered that I can project a kind of quiet yet assertive confidence. “I’m afraid we cannot agree to XYZ because ABC”. And just leave it at that. Let other people squirm in uncomfortable silence.
      I went from a shy bookish summer student to someone who successfully negotiating a lot of complex PE deals and now represents a large international company in complex transactions, and I’m very grateful for the guidance I got on this stuff.

    5. Maybe have them read “They Say, I Say” or something similar as a guide to engaging in professional conversations.

    6. Tangentially related, something I learned from a very badass colleague years ago. In research there’s often a pressure to keep up with how smart everyone is, or appears to be. So when you’re junior, you just hide when you don’t know or understand something. Well this woman in our male dominated discipline would just ask questions with this eye opening confidence, as if she’s entitled to getting more explanations and context and as if it’s totally normal to not know everything. And I realized it didn’t impact how I perceived her competence in her own field, it just made her own the room.

      2. This happened in my first law job. I tried to explain a case to my boss and he looked me dead in the eye and said “I don’t get it.” I literally didn’t know anyone was allowed to do this, much less the named partner in a law firm!

    7. I had a similar mentorship and did a few things to intentionally put them on the spot, make them uncomfortable, etc. in order to build the on-the-fly skills and confidence.

      I created some custom PowerPoint Karaoke decks with prompts related to their work, and then asked them to present the decks to me. The trick with this is that there’s a bunch of random images and they automatically advance, so you have to think in the moment and you WILL stumble. This was also a homework assignment and they had to record themselves and send me the video. Again, the whole point was to build confidence in a tricky situation and get comfortable speaking up, so sharing was part of the homework, not just the accountability piece.

      I also assigned homework to do in the real world. Assignments included being the first person to speak in a meeting when asked, “Does anyone have anything?”, downloading an AI tool that does coaching and present to it for real-time feedback, and volunteering to facilitate a recurring meeting vs. just participating.

      The final “test” at the end of the mentorship was doing a LinkedIn Live, with very little notice, and I didn’t send any questions in advance. I told them I’d interview them about a topic in their wheelhouse, but otherwise, no prep. They did great, and even though it was nerve-wracking, they said that it was helpful.

  5. I’m hosting a party for my 5th grader’s class at our local swim club. Like a country club setup, our swim club has a guest rate but you need to know a member to be guested in.

    I’m happy for families of the 5th graders to join in the fun, but I don’t want to be stuck with a bill for several dozen families that want to come for a fun pool day. Is there a way to politely word this concept: “Your 5th grader is invited to the party and we are paying for them. If you would like to bring your family for a swim day, we are happy to have you and the guest rate is $Xpp that gets billed to my account so please let me know in advance if you’d like to bring your family along and i’ll give you my venmo.” If it were like, 10 guests, we’d eat the cost but I’m pretty sure it will be a lot higher than that. We have to give the club a heads up if we go over certain numbers as well and pay for extra lifeguards, which we are totally fine doing, but we need to know in advance.

    1. It would not even occur to me that the families of the 5th graders would invite themselves. Those kids are at solo party attending age.

    2. I totally get the feeling but i think it’s complicated and super awkward and i would just invite the kids. don’t get involved with the families.

    3. Kids that age might normally be solo party attendees, but there’s no way I’d want to be responsible for 30 kids at a pool without many extra adults around. Even with lifeguards, drowning is a thing.

      1. OP here, I wouldn’t dream of asking a parent who wants to stay and supervise their kid to pay for a guest pass (nor do they really need one). I’m talking about bringing along two siblings, a spouse, and a cooler for the afternoon to stay and hang out.
        Luckily, the reason we are having it is it’s a super child-friendly pool where all 5th graders can have their heads above water unless they pass a very strict swim test. And even then the pool hires a crazy number of lifeguards who do function like babysitters even though they are obviously not. It’s a popular place to have sport team or class parties because parents are very comfortable with the supervision.

    4. Your swim club would be ok with a dozen guest families rolling up? I would not open this to families at all.

    5. “Want to join the fun? Families are welcome to attend at $Xpp.”

      But also, my desire to attend a 5th grade birthday party is a lot lower than you’re estimating.

        2. How do you say “it’s a drop-off party” but more eloquently? I am having this same issue with a park party with limited seating for anyone other than the invited kids. I am thinking of saying if you want to stay and enjoy, bring a comfy chair. *shrugs*

      2. This, or “Invitees enjoy free admission; families who wish to enjoy the facility while their child attends the party are welcome to do so at $Xpp, RSVP & payment due in advance.”

      3. I really like this wording. Also, yeah most families will decline but anyone who takes you up on it is probably interested in getting to know your family or joining the club so it’s win-win!

    6. Just say it’s a drop-off party. Don’t make it complicated by sort-of inviting families if they are willing to pay.

    7. There is no way to do this politely, especially given that some parents are not going to be okay with their kid going to a pool without them (depending on how strong a swimmer they are).

      1. Oh, seeing your earlier response: I’d just say “due to space limitations, we ask for no siblings. Obviously, a parent is welcome to join if preferred.”

        1. I think this is a fair request. This is a party for the fifth graders, not their siblings.

    8. We just got done with our year end parties and were asked to Venmo money for them, and we were happy to! We also are in a swim heavy community where a swim drop off party at that age with life guards is perfectly acceptable, and it sounds like OP is in a similar boat. Not that that was OP’s question.
      OP, I think it is reasonable to have it be a 5th grade only party for other reasons, but I also think it’s fine to charge if you’d truly be fine having other family members there. I would just keep the messaging simpler, I got a little lost in your suggested explanation, and I would include your Venmo handle right up front – parents are slammed right now, keep it as easy as possible. (How much is it, when do you need to know by).

    9. It’s 5th grade. Everything should be a drop off party. There are lifeguards. Parents shouldn’t let their kids attend a swim party if they’re not strong swimmers, but also Theres no excuse for a 5th grader to not be a strong swimmer, absent disability

      1. +1 swimming is a life skill and if OP is UMC enough to be hosting a party like this all the attendees should have had ample opportunity to learn.

        1. I’m surprised they don’t swim in school?

          We had swimming for PE in 3rd, 4th and 5th grades. Everyone could swim by then (UMC community) but the school felt the responsibility to ensure that all of its graduates could swim safely.

          2. I actually grew up very middle class blue collar and we still had mandatory swimming class in PE.

            Super, super common in my area… which isn’t even on the coast.

          3. I mean, I’ve never attended a school that had easy access to a pool like this. My college did, but none of my pre-college schools did.

          4. I was rich and went to a very fancy public school but we did not have a pool and neither did most similarly fancy schools near us, including private schools

          5. Yeah, no way did we have swimming in grade school. None of the suburbs in my area have pools in schools, except in the big high schools.

            We barely have the money to keep the libraries open at our schools.

          6. I’m upper middle class and both my high school and my daughter’s high school have pools and swimming in PE but neither of our districts have any swimming at school before that. I’ve never heard of an elementary school with its own swimming pool. That seems like capital R rich.

          7. I live in Florida and know of zero schools that have a pool. As a matter of fact, our kids don’t even get PE or recess.

        2. Yeah, an edict of all should have “ample opportunity to learn” will definitely prevent a drowning. And if you’re UMC especially.

          Gross.

    10. My fifth grader has attended a very similar party recently.
      My tips: include the following in your invite
      – Parents are welcome to drop off their kids. There will be lifeguards on duty. Due to space restrictions, we cannot accommodate siblings or additional family members in the pool. Parents may supervise from the sidelines if they would like to stay.”

  6. For those that go on family beach vacations, maybe with siblings’ families, parents, cousins, I’m curious what you do:

    Do you all stay together or near each other?
    Do you go to the beach everyday?
    Do you try to meet up throughout the week?

    I did many beach trips with my cousins growing up and I’m on my first trip with my ILs and it’s very different than what I’m used to. I’ll be honest that I was not looking forward to the trip, we invited my ILs to the beach with us last year and FIL complained the whole time about how he doesn’t like the beach, the beach we chose in the Carolinas was trashy and dirty, it’s boring, sun isn’t good for you, the Airbnb was gross, etc. I was in tears several times during the week and DH talked to him about it.

    So I was surprised when he suggested a big family beach trip this summer with DHs sibling and his family. The only beach they go to is a long drive for us and kind of cold this time of year. We’re also all staying 10 mins apart from each other so it’s a lot of driving. BIL and SILs kids are older and they like to do their own thing, my DD is 2 and still naps which makes it harder to plan around. We’ve spent a collective hour at the beach bc others want to go to the pool, a playground, boardwalk, idk. Which is all fine but my parents used to say they paid to come to the beach and we were going to use the beach. Honestly I could have stayed home and gone to our neighborhood pool which is nicer and warmer if that’s what they want.

    I realize everyone is different so I’m trying to understand how other families do it. To me, a beach week is waking up, going for a bike ride or run, then an hour or two of beach, go in for lunch (and now nap) and to get in from the sun, more beach or maybe pool, out to dinner as a family. Repeat for 5 days.

    1. Your understanding is mine as well. I’d talk to DH after this and tell him that’s the last time you’re ever going on a beach vacation with his family again – vacation days are too precious to spend like this.

    2. Ehhhh……So I did it like your family did growing up. But I married into a family that doesn’t love beaches in the same way, doesn’t like the shared house concept, and I have one child who really hates the beach. So we have modified our beach vacations to be more like your ILs.

      Typically we rent one GIANT house that feels like mini homes (eg. a home on the OBX with 8 bedrooms 3 of which are master suites, and sometimes two kitchens) so that every family can have their own space. Or, we will do something like go to Maine and stay in a little compound of “cabins” (they’re nicer than that). Last year we rented a big home in the OBX where my family, my mom, my brother and his wife, and my sister and her family stayed and then my dad and his girlfriend stayed at a hotel nearby because they are getting up in years and are late sleepers and would like complete bathroom privacy, plus didn’t want to be in a house with the rest of the zoo. It worked out great! They met us for daytrips and beach mornings but could go totally at their own pace. My mom got up early and made breakfast and dealt with the kids; the sibling adults had several Late Nights.

      1. Oh, and our rental always has a pool so we have a stay home and sun option for those that don’t want to beach. I am usually on the beach 8am-noon reading.

        1. This is similar to how we’ve done it. There’s 13 of us – 11 adults and two kids. My parents pay for half the rental and my siblings and I split the rest, plus we’ll pick up the tab for dinners and groceries. I’d rather stay right on the beach, but sometimes to get a pool we have to go a few blocks away. And we don’t spend all day, every day together, but we’ll meet up for dinner.

    3. Is the somewhere kind of cold in New England?

      Asking because coastal towns up here have a different kind of beach vibe that is less centered around time on the sand. It’s perfectly normal to go for bike rides, go walk around town, go for mini golf, and yes, go to the pool because the ocean is cold that day. It’s no more or less right than the kind of beach vacation you grew up with. It’s just a different kind of beach vacation.

      Putting yourself in FIL’s shoes, he probably felt exactly this way last year. Now you see why he was full of complaints! But you are armed with the knowledge that being full of complaints makes you miserable company, so don’t be that person.

      1. +1 – I grew up going to the outer banks and never loved it as a pale kid who can only handle so much sun. We now go to a beach town in NE where it’s much more a blend of swimming, bike riding, arcades in town, mini-golf, shopping, bookstores, etc. We either all rent homes in the same town OR rent a big house and split costs but limit it to 3 families for sanity’s sake.
        We do go to the beach most days but not every day and sometimes ‘going to the beach’=walking on the beach with an ice cream cone after dinner to look for shells.

    4. I mean, some people just aren’t beach people. I hate the heat, sun, sand, swimming, and crowds. A summer east coast beach vacation sounds like my worst nightmare and I would probably be even more of a grouch than your FIL if you forced me into your ideal trip.

      I therefore don’t go on beach vacations, but if my family really liked them and it was the only way to see my family, I’d probably propose something similar to what your ILs have done, a vacation where you can do a mix of things. People who want to go to the beach can go to the beach, people who like other things can do that. You just need to do a better job of communicating what you want to do, with or without them, and figuring out a schedule that works for you. And in the future, there might be a better location for you, or you might not want to vacation with them at all, if you want a really different kind of trip.

      1. Same. I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong here, and some people’s vacation styles just mesh better than others.

    5. To answer your questions:
      Do you all stay together or near each other? – My parents have a beach house in Duck, NC, so my immediate family stays there. My mother’s siblings and their children and grandchildren rent 1 or 2 nearby houses, generally a short walk away. Usually one of the rentals is beachfront. That house tends to be a congregation point.
      Do you go to the beach everyday? – I do and most relatives do, although I admittedly am more of a swimmer than some.
      Do you try to meet up throughout the week? – Yes, we generally congregate on the beach in front of the beachfront rental, and people staying within the same houses have meals together. We sort of try to coordinate some outings but it has become harder as the number of people has increased. We generally go out for dinner about once a week and cook otherwise.
      We also generally go in July – it is still too chilly this time of year IMHO.
      And I admit that this set up is obviously easier and cheaper for my immediate family than my cousins, but my mother’s siblings apparently are okay with it.

      2. We live in MA but always vacationed in Duck and we were the weird northerners who thought the water temp in July was delightful! August in the south can be really oppressive.

    6. This will be our second year of renting a beach house with my husband’s family (his mom, four siblings, three siblings-in-law, 3 kids under 3, plus me, my husband and our girls ages 4 and 6). We make sure to get a house with a pool and enough bedrooms (at least 6), and every family unit has their own bathroom. There are multiple sitting areas, and dining table big enough for all the adults at a minimum. We typically all go out for breakfast together, then go down to the beach together in the a.m. (but some people come later, or don’t come at all if they want to stay back with their napping kid, or whatever), then most will come back to the house for lunch, then maybe back to the beach or down to the pool. Then usually one family cooks dinner each night, or some nights we order pizza or go out to a restaurant. Sometimes we’ll go check out a playground or play pickleball for a couple hours. But no one is obliged to tag along for any of it. There are definitely times when smaller groups break out and do their own thing, which is fine. I would not want to be driving between different houses.

    7. We have a family (3 Gen) shore house so we spend a lot of time together down the shore. Because we a) all live in the same city at home and b) spend so much time there it’s a little less “scheduled”.

      That being said: we all stay together (same house). We mostly eat all meals together and your days look a lot like ours.

      Morning walk, bike, or other activity depending on conditions (we have kayaks, paddle boards, and surfboards and akso frequently go fot bay swims at the public dock). Breakfast on the deck. AM beach or water activity time. Lunch on the deck. Afternoon beach or activity time. Occasionally we’ll play tennis or bocce or something. Then happy hour and dinner on the deck.

      Easily 12+ hours a day outside and 8+ hours a day outside out of the house.

    8. I love my parents. They’re amazing grandparents, my best friends, and we live ten minutes away for most of the year. They spend a few months on a tropical island in the winters in a big gated house with a pool overlooking the water and the rest of the island. We visit. We stay at a hotel five minutes down the road. Because I will loose my ever loving mind if we’re all under one roof. My cousins all came to visit and stayed in my mother in laws house and of course they’re all still a fight about it. Get your own house or room.

      1. Holly S: do you mind sharing where this magical island is? I ask because I’d like to be that cool grandparent but I don’t even know where to start looking for a place I could rent for a couple of months!

    9. I don’t vacation with family. I just don’t like it. I see my family often, I’m happy to visit them. But vacation time itself is a no

    10. I’m about to do a cruise with extended family. We’re planning to meet every day for breakfast and dinner. We don’t live near each other and it can be tough to go from phone calls to 24-7 contact. Also, we’re all at different life stages – the kids want to go to the water slide while grandmom wants to go to the spa. We’re a blended family, and there are a lot of introverts.

      1. Cruises are perfect for large multi-gen families with a lot of introverts! Something to do for everyone and no real forced togetherness except at dinner. I hope it’s great!

    11. We’ve gone to all-inclusive beach resorts with my parents, and with my husband’s family (his parents, his sister, her husband and their kids). I realize this is a bit different than renting a house at the shore and having to cook your own meals and decide on restaurants each night, but in case it helps.

      1) separate hotel rooms for each nuclear family unit.
      2) a little bit, but with kids we usually use the pools a lot more
      3) yes, lots of time together throughout the day, as well as dinner and sometimes breakfast and lunch together. People can do their own things that interest them but they’d typically invite others “we’re booking whale watching on Tuesday at 2 if anyone wants to join” and the default when not on scheduled outings would be family time.

      If people want their own hotel rooms, which I fully understand, I’d look at resorts where every family can get their own room. Being in separate houses a 10 minute drive apart is odd.

  7. I used to think boundaries was just a buzz word but this morning’s posts give two great examples. Re: the wedding, go or don’t go but you aren’t going to change the bride. Re: the party if parents don’t want their fifth graders at a pool party without them than they can RSVP no. not the host’s problem.

    1. Agree on the first. The second is a safety thing. Let a parent come to the pool party if their kid is a mediocre swimmer and they’re concerned about safety (which is what OP said she planned to do, so that’s great!).

      1. respecfully disagree. if your kid can’t swim well enough at 10 to be at a public pool (presumably there are life guards at a private pool club) than you failed to make learning to swim a priority and you live with the consequences. the kid doesn’t go or they know to stay in the shallow end. Same as a kid with allergies, at some point they have to be able to say to the waiter at a hibachi restaurant, “i’m allergic to soy is it ok if you cook mine in the kitchen and not on the grill?” without their mommy being there.

        1. This. Theres no excuse to not be a strong enough swimmer at this age, absent disability – in which case you and your family are well versed in making accommodations

          2. Where would someone not have access to a pool? I grew up in the poorest neighborhood of my city (I won’t use the derogatory term, but you know the one). There were 3 city pools within 20 minutes of walking and one splash pad/mini pool at a park.

          3. Let’s not play dumb. Not everyone has affordable pools within walking distance. And even if they did, they may not have a responsible adult to take them. You cannot possibly think that every single person grows up within walking distance to a pool.

          4. I live in a pretty posh suburban area and most people don’t have a pool within walking distance! The town has one pool complex and it’s >3 miles from our house. And a little kid who doesn’t know how to swim is not going to walk to the pool by themselves and try to learn on their own! You need an adult to sign up and pay for lessons and in most cases drive you there. And nobody learns to swim at a splash pad, which is for toddlers who want to play in water without the risk of drowning. This is truly the dumbest comment.

          1. Boy I hope people who don’t ensure their kids have a life skill thats a massive SAFETY issue don’t have kids!

        3. I’m the OP of that thread and the poll club is militant about swimming. You have to take a swim test and you get a color bracelet for your visit. A 10 year old that can’t pass the swim test is staying in the shallow end which very well guarded. No floats, no floatation at all allowed.

        4. Spoken like someone who lives in a swim/tennis community in a school district made up of swim/tennis communities. Ew.

          2. And I would bet you don’t live there now. I’d also bet it wasn’t a diverse blue collar area.

          3. Yeah I don’t live therenow – I live in downtown in a major city.

            But it’s a super diverse area. Almost roughly 1/3 Black, white, and Korean. The white folks are half Jewish and half Irish Catholic.

            The least diverse aspect of the township is the economic situation – it’s middle class and lower middle class an no one is rich.

            All the pools is happening in public township pools

        5. I’m a mom of a 10 year old, and maybe this varies by community and where you live, but sorry I agree with this. He has gone to drop off pool parties, and the idea of a mom sitting there to watch her kid at this point would frankly be odd. Or at the very least, if this was truly the situation needed it would be on them to privately message and figure out with the host, not for the host to make a blanket invite to all parents for this one-off chance.

        6. The consequences could be drowning. Which one cannot live with. I am not the kind of person who likes labeling perspectives “privileged” on this board, but it is a very privileged take to say there’s “no excuse” for a kid not to be a strong swimmer at 10, as is the implication that everyone can prioritize learning to swim. Even kids who are okay swimmers can get into trouble in deeper water or when playing with friends and it can happen that fast. Obviously in an ideal world a kid would stay in the shallow end but we all know that’s not a given.

          It is much easier to learn how to articulate your allergy than it is to learn to keep yourself safe in a pool. That’s a very poor comparison.

          To be clear, I think learning how to swim is a hugely important life skill. My parents taught me, I did swim team, I was a lifeguard for years.

          1. Yeah swimming can be a hard one. I was not a strong swimmer at ten even though I’d had lessons. There actually was a medical reason that was not diagnosed until I was older. I definitely thought leaving the shallow end of the pool was the right thing to do to “get better” at swimming. I was lucky!

          2. I am the OP of the pool post and you, at 10, would not be allowed to leave the shallow end at our pool the rules of which are very, very strictly enforced. There is literally a guard whose only job is to sit next to the shallow end lane lines checking bands as kids swim through. The swim test that grants deep end access is swimming 50 yards in <2 minutes without touching the bottom of the pool and treading water for 2 minutes.

          3. Yeah that is not at all how it worked when I was a kid! But also I think I could have passed those tests and yet was still not a reliable swimmer.

          4. I think that system sounds great, truly. Sounds like OP’s pool has the most ideal set up for a kid who is there without a parent. But it’s not reality at every pool or even most (I’ve never seen anything like that in real life).

            And at a certain point, you can only test kids so much — there will always be situations where otherwise strong swimmers can get into trouble, whether kids or adults — and that’s why life guards and/or watchful adults are important. I rescued a girl who had been doing okay puttering around the deep end for a bit, but then she just got tired or overwhelmed. It happens.

          5. I’m an adult with a true, actual food allergy, and I just don’t go to restaurants in cuisines where my allergen is a common ingredient. It’s not about being able to “articulate your allergy.” Realistically, kitchens are dirty. Cross-contact happens. It isn’t fair or reasonable to ask a Japanese restaurant to provide you with a soy-free dish (or a Middle Eastern restaurant to give you a sesame-free dish or a pizza place to give you a dairy-free dish). You just skip those events. It’s very awkward to break out in a few hives (or worse), so you just grab drinks with the friend on a different day.

          6. I really don’t know what happened to the level of literacy or critical thinking on this board. This conversation is not about how to handle a food allergy. I explained that another poster’s comparison between learning water safety without mommy and remembering to ask for your soy allergy to be accommodated without mommy is a poor one. At no point did I, or anyone, ever claim that all or even most food allergies can be handled with a simple request to the waiter. Not being able to rule out cross contamination has nothing whatsoever to do with what I said. Literally no one cares about your food allergy.

          7. Anon @3:20, did it feel really, really good to write that? Did it fill some void in your life today? Are you so proud of how you constructed those little sentences? Did it release a little stress for you?

    2. Boundaries aren’t something you enforce upon others. Maintaining a boundary means in response to someone else you’ll take an action that fits your own priorities.

  8. I am early 40s and childfree by choice and my long-time boyfriend is slowly coming around to the allure of the DINK lifestyle (I’m not in a rush and happy to wait for him since he’s wonderful and we’re totally aligned on everything else). The problem is that his family only cares about babies and have been putting a lot of pressure on him to break up with me and get started on those grandbabies. I’ve asked him if they would support and honor his decision if he does decide to choose a childfree life and he said they would, but I’m not convinced given the pressure they’re putting on him (and he has siblings with kids, so it’s not as though he’s their only option for grandkids).

    Have any of you dealt with something similar and have any stories of how it worked out? If he and I stay together I’m sure his parents will always resent me, but I’m happy to shoulder that so it doesn’t damage his relationship with them. I remind myself that there’s plenty of people who don’t love their in-laws…

    1. No but my MIL always wanted grandkids and I have 3 kids and she still resents me. They’ll always find a reason.

      1. Yup they always find a reason. My in-laws are Jewish and although 3/4 of my grandparents are Jewish and I was raised Jewish and identify as Jewish (and the Reform movement of modern Judaism considers people with 1 Jewish parent to be Jewish) to my in-laws I will never be Jewish because my mother’s mother wasn’t born Jewish and didn’t formally convert. I’m the one who’s taken the lead on our kids’ religious and cultural education and our kids are going to have bat mitzvahs, which neither my husband nor I had, and my in-laws are not religious and don’t attend a temple and constantly forget about major Jewish holidays but I’m still “not Jewish” in their minds. There’s always a reason and it’s often not very grounded in logic.

    2. Maybe I’m being really cynical on this, but I think a lack of decision in this instance, is the decision. If he’s not actively pursuing having kids in his early 40s, it’s not happening for him, and he knows it. Those rare instances of men in their 50s, 60s, siring kids with a younger woman seem to be more reflective of other dynamics, and not really a true, firmly held desire by those men to start having young, young babies (IMO, just based on what I’ve seen). He’s going to have to be the one to deal with his family, and I’d make sure he completely, absolutely owns his own decision to not pursue children and doesn’t push any blame onto you or your choices. I think the in laws will either get over it, or they won’t, but it’ll be on him to protect you from them making you out to be a wicked witch. And if he’s not willing to do that, then that’s the bigger issue than him not wanting kids, because you deserve a partner firmly in your corner.

      1. All the ambivalent men I know eventually turned 50, freaked out and immediately impregnated someone way too young.

      2. I agree with everything about this. To apply it to another topic, my husband has made some choices that his parents disagree with (for him, about work and religion). His parents’ initial reaction was definitely to blame me, because they didn’t want to believe that their son could make such different decisions from theirs – but the truth is that I had nothing to do with those decisions which mostly happened before we met except for supporting him in general as a partner, and he’s always made that extremely clear to them. I think if he had let the responsibility deflect onto me even a tiny bit, it would have been really damaging to our relationship.

      3. OP here – neglected to mention that bf is in his mid-30s. Most of my friends still wanted kids in their late 20s/early 30s, but by mid-30s had decided against it, so our age difference also comes into play with how decided each of us is in what we want. But great points on making sure he owns it with his family.

        1. Oh yeah he has plenty of time. Unfortunately I think he will eventually break up with you over this

          1. hmmm….. OP this age difference does make a difference, in my experience. I agree that I think he will eventually break up with you over this too. I had assumed he was about 10 years older. Sorry about that.

        2. I would be less concerned about the potential in-laws and more concerned about the “slowly coming around.” I have three friends who all found themselves single in their 40s or early 50s because their (in two cases younger) boyfriend/husbands hit 40 or 45 and decided they did actually want to have children.

          I firmly and absolutely believe that people who do not want to have kids should not have kids – but I have rarely seen a person who wanted to have kids change their mind for the right partner, although people who were ambivalent in the first place will sometimes happily follow the preferences of their partner.

          But to answer your question, his parents might well vaguely resent you, but I doubt his decision to not have children (assuming that is his decision) will ruin their relationship forever.

          1. +1. I hate to say this OP, but I think there is a decent chance that he will eventually break up with you over this, and not necessarily due to pressure from his parents.

          2. Yah, and while the biological clocks start ticking loudly for women (if it’s going to) early-mid 30s, many men I know didn’t have kids until nearly 40…I do think a guy who is still entertaining the idea in his mid-30s will hear that ticking in a few years and decide he really does want them

          3. Yah, and while the biological clocks start ticking loudly for women (if it’s going to) early-mid 30s, many men I know didn’t have kids until nearly 40…I do think a guy who is still entertaining the idea in his mid-30s will hear that ticking in a few years and decide he really does want them

      4. All of this.

        He needs to own his decision and be the one to shut his family’s chatter down.

        If he wants kids, he needs to get in that yesterday. Most men aren’t able to land a 32-year-old woman when they are pushing 50.

        1. But OP said he is only mid-30s. That is plenty of time for a guy to find a woman who wants to have kids.

          2. Most men do seem to find someone pretty quickly after a breakup. There are SO FEW decent men with no kids in their 30s and 40s, they definitely have a leg up.

          3. If he’s only mid-30s though he has 10 years. That’s plenty of time to meet, marry and have kids with someone. (Biologically he actually has more like 30-40 years, but he has 10 years before people would start finding it odd for him to a first-time dad or before he’d have to marry a woman with an age gap that people would be judgy about. Mid-40s men marry and have kids with mid-late 30s women all the time without anyone thinking it’s strange.)

          4. It’s my experience that many of my male friends (wonderful, functional, mature, employed, healthy) have trouble finding someone once they hit 40.

    3. You can’t assume your children will have kids, and if you truly want grandchildren, have more than 1 or 2 kids yourself to play the odds. (My hot take.) Your children are their own people, and as much as I would love grandchildren, I intend to fully anppreciate and enjoy my grown kids for their unique selves, not for what they can give me. (And yes I had more than 2 kids so I’m hopeful!)

    4. Fellow DINK here. We’ve been together for nearly 20 years. The pressure for us was never to break up, but to have children including many comments about how good a father my husband would make. It faded over time as we got older– mid-30s was the worst but by our late 30s everyone figured out we either weren’t having kids by choice or because it wasn’t in the cards for us. A lot of the pressure also faded when they saw that having DINKs auntie and uncles really benefit the nieces and nephews.

      1. Same here. Together over 20 years at this point. We’re now in our early 40s and finally people have stopped saying “tick tock!” but it was rough at family gatherings for a good decade.

      2. Mid 30s DINK here and I’m glad to hear that the pressure lets up. At this point, people just flat out ask me if I’ve started IVF yet and it’s so hard to figure out how to respond to that.

        1. How I respond depends on who is asking. If it is someone hat is potentially looking for someone to commiserate with over IVF (because it is still not openly talked about), I try to respond kindly that we aren’t having children. If it is a 50 year old, I remember the adage that “no is a complete sentence.” Mentally, I also treat all questions about children with the same emotional attachment as someone asking me if I have a pet or a boat – e.g., it’s not an emotionally loaded question anymore. It’s just something in the taxonomy of characteristics about a person.

    5. I feel like maybe you’re taking on too much emotional labor here. He is a big boy and can deal with his family and (hopefully) make his own decisions.

    6. If he wanted to marry you and have a childfree life you would already be engaged.

  9. We have sometimes talked here about appropriate OOO messages. I got this one yesterday – from a (male, if it matters) “complex loss consultant” at a major national insurance company – that gave the start date of his absence and then said “and I plan to make my Triumphant Return on or about 6/9/25 at 8 AM.”

      1. it’s an excellent ironic use of trumpian capitalization. If he’s using it tongue in cheek, he is amazing. if he’s serious, he sucks.

        1. I haven’t worked with him long, but he’s never seemed pompous or arrogant and has a sense of humor. I read it as kind of self-deprecating rather than serious, and laughed out loud when I read it.

  10. Should a car that a college student takes to school be titled in the parent’s name or the child’s name? The child is currently covered by the parents’ auto and umbrella insurance. Does title make a difference in the cost of insurance? If the car is titled in the parent’s name, it would be signed over to the child at graduation.

    1. In my head, if I wanted the kid to deal with registration and inspection and tax and insurance, I’d sign it over. It’s real adulting for them. Also, if kid wrecks the car, the owner will get sued and the owner’s insurance will pay out / go up. So if kid has no assets, no harm in them being the owner.

      My kid will need a car in college (nursing clinical work in college town setting, so no transit; I imagine student teaching is similar).

      1. OP here–yep, the car is for student teaching commuting from a small college town. I suppose the next step is to call the insurance agent and get quotes for kid’s own policy v. keeping kid on the family policy.

    2. My mom hated having me on her insurance in college, because my irresponsibility could have had major repercussions on her when she wasn’t in a physical location to keep me grounded. Now that I’m older I understand the anxiety she had around it. If we’d had more money she would have had me on my own policy.

    3. Anecdote here, but my car in college was in my dad’s name. Well, I got a ticket for running a red light with a camera, and guess where the ticket was mailed…back home, addressed to my dad. He was big mad. So maybe put it in kid’s name if you don’t want tickets on your record.

      1. In most states, camera tickets are considered civil fines, not tickets that affect your driving record or insurance premium, for exactly this reason, i.e., that the camera does not capture who is driving the car.

    4. Does the child own the car? Did they buy it with their own money? Do they pay for the associated expenses? If not, it isn’t their car it’s an adult’s who is loaning it.

      1. Yeah, point taken, but the liability exposure >>> asset value, so consider the utility in a worst case scenario.

      2. The car will be a gift to the child (was intended to be a graduation gift, but needs to be given earlier for student teaching). Gas and maintenance will be paid for by the child. Who pays for insurance while the child is in school is TBD based on how outrageous the premiums are and how reasonable it is to ask the child to cover them out of the child’s work-study earnings.

  11. Inspired by the pool party question – did you or your kids have swim units in school?

    We did for ~1 month for 3rd-5th grades. I don’t think anyone couldn’t already swim, but the school felt it was important that everyone was a strong enough swimmer. No official swim test required for graduation or anything, but they made everyone take lessons.

    Plenty of people were already great swimmers (years of lessons, summer swim team, family lake or beach houses), while others could safely swim but not well but we were all in that pool every gym class for a month.

    I’m surprised that more schools don’t require this or swim tests to graduate. It’s a life saving life skill. Even if you’re not a water person, you need to know how to swim for safety.

    1. Sometimes this board is incredibly out of touch.

      My first time to attend a school with a pool was in college. There was a community center in my hometown that had a small pool, but it was not open during the school year, and they certainly didn’t have the staff to teach swimming to the whole school district. I would assume my experience was by far the norm because pools are very expensive to build, maintain, and staff, and most people/school districts aren’t rich.

      1. Agree. I grew up in a beach town, so there was water, but for public schools, there were no “swimming lessons.”

      2. Agreed. My parents were swimmers and they made sure I was a strong swimmer. We didn’t have a family lake or beach house growing up, but they put me in swim lessons, and then sort of a swim-team prep type program. I became a lifeguard and did that for years. I learned while lifeguarding for the city that not everyone learns to swim like I did. Seems shocking, right?! Until you realize that not everyone has parents who a) can swim b) understand how important it is c) come from cultures where water activities/swimming are common d) have the time and money to take you to swim lessons for as long as it takes to help you become a strong swimmer/teach you themselves. Not everyone has regular access to a pool.

      3. I’m the OP and I promise you I grew up in a very blue collar town. I learned how to swim at our not very good (academically) public high school’s pool, both through gym class and weekend lessons that I think cost $20/kid for the 6 week session.

        This was 1000% not a rich kid thing!

        1. No, it’s definitely not just a rich kid thing, but I do I think this is highly variable based on locality. Growing up, my county had a really great public pool system – nice, clean pools with well trained staff that were very affordable. Pools were located in neighborhoods of all different socioeconomic types. In my current city, that doesn’t exist.

      4. Yeah, my small town had a gravel pit where high schoolers went skinny dipping and that was it. The nearest publicly accessible pool was in the city 30 miles away and you had to pay to access it.

      5. My public high school (in Southern California) in a middle-class (in the true sense of the word) required swimming lessons. They did not have their own pool but used the nearby community center’s pool.

        It was a whole thing because of bunch of the girls were children of immigrant families who did not want them in bathing suits in front of boys so they had to re-arrange our PE classes so the girls could swim separately (which to my 15 year old self was wonderful; I was at the self-conscious age and did not want to wear a bathing suit in front of boys).

      6. If I try looking this up I find claims that “most” American children don’t swim through their schools, and that more than 80% of swim lessons are private. I can’t find any claims that it’s common or normal to learn to swim through school, though there are people advocating for this to become more common.

      1. Yeah, I have never attended a school with a pool or been in a district that had a swim requirement. I went to school in MoCo Maryland and in Florida. We now live in NYC, where pool access is quite limited and many, many kids grow up not knowing how to swim. It’s a real luxury to be able to provide your kids swimming lessons.

        2. This is also why you should side eye any attempts by municipalities to install “splash pads”. Yes they are cheaper to maintain, but access to a safe place to learn to swim and for recreation is a public good! Most of the time these splash pads are pushed as a replacement for aging pools or instead of a pool. They are not an adequate substitute!

      2. My elementary school did have a pool at one point but it had been drained decades prior when they built the theater stage on top of it, and was used by the janitorial staff for storage. They had a whole pully system rigged up to lift & lower stacks of chairs down into the pool. I had an irrational fear that the stage floor would collapse and drop me into a bottomless sinkhole…

    4. I don’t disagree that swimming is a life skill, and both my school district and my university treated it as such. But man the lack of exposure some of you people have had to diverse populations is really showing today.

      1. Same. Moving from a big city in southern California to rustbelt cities as a former lifeguard was a big adjustment. I barely swam in the first one. The segregation was palpable, from teh way people described the local pools, as well as the location of a private pool only a few blocks away from the city pool. The private pool’s waiting list was over a year! There was even an art installation at the site of the pool drained in support of continued segregation.

    5. Was this a public school? I had to pass a swim unit in PE to graduate high school, but that was in a bougie district in SoCal where all the high schools had outdoor pools. Our local high school in the SEUS has no pool and hence no swim requirement. I have never heard of a public elementary school with access to a pool.

      1. In my area (Central CA), local high schools have pools. Elementary and Jr. High, nope, no way. Many years ago, many local parks had shallow pools where swimming lessons were offered. But that ended 30 years or so ago, due to high cost of upkeep and liability. There are fairly expensive (private) options for swim lessons, but that assumes there is a parent or care-giver available to ferry them back and forth, and wait during. This is not something families struggling for a living can handle.

        As far as swimming being a life skills, yes, but every year there are drownings in the news due to local (often immigrant) populations using our rivers, canals, lakes, reservoirs during the summer heat and not realizing their limited swimming skills are not up to handling the hazards in these natural resources. It’s sad and a lot of education is put out about it, but these deaths from drownings continue to happen frequently.

        So, your understanding of free local pools and easily accessible public swimming lessons, just aren’t the case everywhere.

    6. No way. Elementary schools don’t typically have pools. Most middle and high schools don’t have pools! And if you mean they had to take lessons on their own, that is a huge cost and time burden to put on parents.

      I see the value in knowing how to swim, obviously, but I’ve never heard of lessons being part of public school curriculum!

      1. Our elementary school was next to the middle and high school, so it was easy to pop over for gym class.

        Totally agree about the time and cost burden on parents, hence including it in the PE education.

        I didn’t realize that many high schools don’t have pools! Here the high school pool doubles as the community pool (so where the community’s swim lessons are offered – and they’re cheap because it’s a community offering not a private swim program).

        In my area there are a few private swim clubs (outdoor only), but the community pool (at the HS year round and an outdoor one in a park in the summer) are the main pools. The high school pools are the only indoor pools I know of! We don’t have a Y or a JCC or anything.

        Community pool access is like $250/year for a family. Lessons are like $50/month/kid. It’s not nothing, but for pool access and lessons it’s pretty cheap!

      2. I’m not sure I even see the value in knowing how to swim. Maybe to help avoid drowning accidents but teaching children to stay away from water when appropriate does that too. Even strong swimmers won’t avoid all accidents.

        2. Um what? So many joyful things in life will be forever off-limits to you if you don’t know how to swim.

        3. Oh, no, this is such an awful and potentially tragic take on water safety! Swimming is a lifesaving skill even if you have no intention at all of ever recreating in the water. And a child only needs to forget once, or even try to help a friend once, in order to drown because a parent thought telling them to stay away from water was enough.

        5. Curious to know where you’re from and your ethnic background because this viewpoint is quite uncommon and I’ve only experienced it in a few types of folks.

          1. I’m white and from the Pacific Northwest, but congratulations on being disgusting regardless.

        6. What?! No this is not a viable option.

          You can slip and fall and drown.

          You can be swept away in a flood.

          You can need to jump in to save someone else.

          Never learning to safely swim is NOT SAFE

          1. I think it’s arrogance to think any of those disasters are going to be overcome by being a mediocre swimmer

          2. Being a mediocre swimmer could absolutely save you in any of these situations. You’re basically arguing that because limited swimming skills cannot save you all the time, it cannot save you any of the time. That’s just wrong. Slipping and falling isn’t necessarily a disaster. Needing to jump in and save someone isn’t necessarily a disaster. A flood is more likely to be a disaster, but for the love of all that is holy, you stand a much better chance if you know how to swim. It does not take ARROGANCE to imagine that if you fell into, say, the deep end of a pool, you would survive if you had basic swimming skills.

            IDK what swimming ever did to you, but please stop playing devils advocate for ………….. just being helpless. This is dangerous and disempowering. WTF.

        7. I’m annoyed that my detailed comment did not show up. But anyways:
          -even if being a strong swimmer won’t let you avoid all accidents, being a strong swimmer (or even having basic skills!) can still save you from drowning when you otherwise would. Sort of like how a seatbelt won’t save you from all injuries, but it sure as heck can save you from lots of them.
          -teaching children to stay away from water when appropriate is not nearly as affective as knowing how to swim, because children are notorious for not doing what they’re told/not judging risks accurately. That’s why pools are required to have fences around them. It only takes one slip up and you’re in deep trouble. Drowning happens so fast. It is heartbreaking.
          -children grow up to be adults who may want to be in or near water for any number of legit reasons.
          -accidents happen. People fall off boats. People fall into pools. Life vests aren’t secured. Kids get in over their head when wading in shallow water. People misjudge depth. Currents happen. Natural disasters happen.

          1. Agreed 100%. As a former lifeguard, it’s about reducing risk, not eliminating it.

    7. Ninth grade gym class had a month of swimming for me, but nothing earlier. My elementary school didn’t have a nearby pool, my high school was next to the city pool.

    8. Many schools don’t have pools. Also, many choose to focus on academic pursuits and are phasing out things like PE and music.

    9. I don’t think four swim classes at school are going to make a difference. It takes most kids a summer or more of daily swim lessons to learn.

      1. Yes, with a slight quibble – you don’t need lessons all summer, but you do need regular access to water to practice and get comfortable and reinforce those skills

      2. It depends what age you’re talking about. This is true for toddlers but I think a lot of elementary age kids learn in just a few lessons. Mine did and she’s not a strong or athletic kid in general.

    10. Agree that it’s an essential skill, but like other I’ve never attended a school with a pool. We took swim lessons at the municipal pool.

    11. The idea that most elementary schools would be able to offer swim lessons is wild! I don’t think any elementary schools anywhere I’ve lived have access to a pool. My high school did have swimming for a few weeks in gym, but about half the class (mostly the half that was Black) didn’t really know how to swim and I don’t recall that that they did much to effectively teach them. There was a public pool in the mostly Black neighborhood near my high school, and it’s actually where I took swimming lessons as a kid, but the kids in lessons were all white. They’re trying a lot harder now to make lessons accessible to everyone in my hometown, but a lot of the places I’ve lived since don’t have public pools at all, so I have no idea how people without pool club money learn.

    12. UMC at a private school in a major southeastern city. The nearest pool was 30 minutes from campus when traffic was good (that’s where the swim team trained). No, we had no swim class.

      Yes, swimming is a life or death skill, but most schools have a hard enough time teaching the three Rs – shuttling kids to a far away pool is a bridge too far.

      1. Our public schools don’t have pools or require swimming, but they do require students to pass a CPR certification course to graduate. It may be the only thing our district teaches that prepares students to be contributing members of civil society.

    13. Yes, grew up in Western NY and most schools had an indoor pool. Ours did and it was part of PE as early as elementary school.

      1. It was a K-12 public school (huge campus) in a rural area and a very unique experience

        1. Yeah I had something similar. K-12 all together. The high school pool was THE pool in the area. Swimming lessons in gym in elementary school.

          Not a nice or well off area.

    14. Nope. Our school did not have a pool. People learned at the Y in winter or outdoor pools in summer.

    15. I’m not surprised; if a school doesn’t have a pool or access to a pool, how would they offer swim classes? How much would getting a pool raise their insurance?

    16. I had swim lessons at the local public pool through my elementary school but my kids’ school did not offer that.

      It’s like the hunger games trying to get swim lessons in my small city. They sell out in minutes. Main university pool has been closed for a year for renos plus city and private pools are still struggle to get enough lifeguards post-covid.

    17. no, no swim ever in my childhood (westchester NY) or my kids’ (W town in MA). I sail, am a strong but not pretty swimmer (I will not sink but I would be DQ’d from all swim events!). All 3 of my kids have done swim team and can swim all 4 main strokes for 50+ yards and dive. My oldest has completed lifeguard pre-training, which is all the swim related lifeguard work. When she’s 16 she will take the course and test.

    18. I mean, the roof of my elementary school leaked enough that sometimes there were little pools in the hallway after a good thunderstorm. But those were the only pools we had access to via public school.

    19. Guys this is a normal, not rich thing. I’m from Delco (Philly burbs) – and the Delco parts of Delco not the rich parts.

      Not great or fancy or well ranked high schools having pools and offering nights/weekends swim lessons is super normal.

      1. No one said that only great, fancy, or well ranked schools offer this, but it’s stil factually not statistically the norm.

      2. You are lucky, then.

        What is with so many commenters here lately thinking their one unusual experience translates to the whole of society??

        1. I was imagining this whole conversation but about something like Latin classes instead of swimming. “My blue collar high school offered Latin!” No doubt, no doubt!

      3. I just commented below – I wonder if schools having pools (ugh, unintentional rhyme) is a PA thing. (I grew up in a neighboring state.)

      4. It might not be a rich thing but it very much is not a normal thing in many parts of the country.

      5. High schools having pools for swim teams is normal, but elementary school!?! Someone said their school had mandatory swimming lessons in third grade. I’ve never heard of an elementary school with its own pool (except private schools that are one campus for K-12 and then they share the high school pool).

      6. I’m also from the Philly burbs, not Delco, and I’d say that most of the suburban school districts here do not have pools, right? Some do but mine didn’t and none of the neighboring ones did. My district has brought up building one, but nobody wanted it.

    20. I also didn’t attend a school (public or private) that had a pool until I was in college.

      My DH grew up in well-funded school district, which has a very nice aquatic complex at their high school.

    21. My public middle school had a pool and we had swim units in middle school. I grew up in the south in an area where lots of people had pools and in reference to the thread above, drop off pool parties were common by like 3rd grade. I had to take a swim test during college orientation (if you failed, you would take swimming as PE).

    22. neither me (attended a small private school in MD suburbs of DC) or DH (attended large public school in NY) nor our children (now attending public school in Houston, TX) have swimming at school

    23. No, and I went to a private school in the South. We didn’t have a pool. We had a swim team, but used one of the municipal pools. Having said that, we had a fair number of municipal pools and I don’t think swim lessons were that expensive. My family is a big beach/pool family and our neighbor had a pool, so we had lessons at a very young age, but no, I don’t think any school in town had this as a requirement.

    24. Chicago near suburb. No pools in any grade schools or middle schools. High school has a pool. No pools in backyards either.

      We took swimming lessons at a local community pool, as children. It was expensive for us, even though it was subsidized. My Mom made sure we had lessons because she had a fear of water, ever since her uncle threw her in a pool at the age of 5 to “teach her how to swim”, and she nearly drowned. She never went near water again, and had a terrible fear of pools.

      Swimming lessons are very expensive here now, even at our community recreation centers – never mind paying for memberships and exclusive “swim clubs” / private clubs.

      I think I live in a different world from many on this board. In fact, there is no need for me to know how to swim, other than to pass my swimming tests in high school. Many folks never go near/in the water.

    25. My middle school made everyone do a swim unit in PE, they bused us back and forth during school hours to the closest pool owned by the school district (the high school next door didn’t have a pool). As a kid, I’d taken years and years of swim classes in the summer at the local pool club, so the unit was easy for me but some people really had to start at the beginning. This was the 90s in a fairly rural MD county where there weren’t any public swimming pools (and still aren’t) for reasons you can probably figure out from history class.

      For my own CA kids, I had to pay (and pay and pay) for private swimming lessons and they can swim well enough as teens. The public schools don’t provide swimming instruction (well, our district does it on yoga balls) which is appalling and super-not-equitable, but CA politicians are all talk and no action on anything involving public education and/or helping minority kids (except for the free breakfast and lunch thing, that’s great).

    26. Yes, from K-5 everybody alternated one week of PE in the gym and one week of swimming. Half an hour a day. I grew up in a fishing community on an island, so swimming and water safety were priorities.

    27. Grew up in Florida and there is no school or municipal pool. The pool I swam in for swim team was 20 miles away. I assume a lot of people learn in lakes. I don’t even know many people who have private pools either.

  12. One more swimming plug:

    I highly recommend the following for anyone who is able:
    1. Have your kids “graduate” out of swimming lessons (aka take every level offered). Don’t stop when they’re “good enough”. Keep going (ideally year round) until they’ve aced it.

    2. If your town or pool offers summer swim team, have them join that.

    3. If able or interested, lifeguarding certs for parents are a good idea. And teens. Lifeguarding is a great summer job!

    1. Do you have your lifeguard license? Lifeguarding where I live is a series of 3 classes and quite a difficult test, most adults I know probably could not pass it. I was a lifeguard for a few years in my teens but let my license lapse.

      1. I don’t actively have it (I don’t have kids yet), but I did have it when I was younger and when I have kids I’ll at least take the refresher.

        But my mom actively worked PT as a lifeguard and swim instructor from here teens up through when I was a toddler. We took official swim lessons at the township pool, but she also was a certified lifeguard and WSI.

        We grew up in a water community in the summer, so it was super important. Many members of my dad’s family cannot swim and my dad, mom, and uncle were adamant that we all be beyond competent. We all were lifeguards (me, my siblings, my cousins, my parents, and uncle) as teenagers and now all still regularly participate in water sports (my 70 year old uncle is still surfing!).

        But it’s important, we’ve all had to rescue people as adults when not employed was lifeguards, including rescues of children whose parents could not help them.

        Just like I’d recommend that anyone get and maintain their CPR and first aid certification, I’d recommend parents take a lifeguarding class.

      2. I literally just got back to the office after taking the Red Cross lifeguarding test and it is not difficult. You have to take a 6 hour online class and 4 day in person class first, so it’s time consuming. But not hard.

    2. When my current 2nd job wraps up, I want to get my lifeguard cert again and work the local pool. Yes, it pays a little, but small towns like mine really struggle with having enough lifeguards, and also with having safe, fun things for kids and non-retired adults to do. Keeping the public pool open is one of those things, so I’d encourage any adult who’s physically able and interested in community service to do so.

  13. I haven’t attended a wedding since I was single or attending solo. Now, I am bringing a spouse and two teen kids to an upcoming event (husband will attend one long-distance wedding solo later on). I think we would quadruple what I had given when it was just me attending. Yes? I know that there is a “cover your plate” concept and I think I’d just treat the teens as adults (maybe different if they were littles on finger foods still). And for husband, for the wedding he attends solo, scale down accordingly. [I’m just sending checks as gifts either way.]

    1. This “cover your plate” concept is so weird to me. My daughter is getting married in a few weeks, and we are paying for everything. We are all most concerned that you come. Gifts are lovely, but we want friends and family there who will share the joy of their marriage and wish them well as they start their life together. No one in our family has spent one second comparing the gifts received to the per capita catering or bar charges. I do not even know who has sent anything, much less what everyone has sent. So my vote is to send something if you want, but go to the wedding, have a good time (or pretend to have a good time) and be happy for them. (And thank you for taking your teens.)

    2. Cover your plate is not current advice. Give commensurate with your budget and relationship with the couple, not who’s attending or how expensive or not the event itself is.

      1. I think it’s the guiding principle in certain cultures.
        But in my circles, it’s also the degree of closeness to the couple that’s the biggest factor.

    3. In my family, attendance at a relative’s wedding involves a nice card and fifty bucks if you are not tight on money. In my friend circle, you buy an item off the registry (like, one set of pyrex bowls or whatever, people aren’t registering for $$$ items). We are MCOL area, mostly blue collar relatives & friends, with a few white collar, academics, etc., in the mix.

    4. Why are you bringing the kids? Is this a family wedding?

      I do think that you should pay more if you bring more people. Otherwise, leave the kids in the hotel room watching movies.

    5. In general, I think you give $100 to $200 per person depending on the relationship. If you are bringing more people, then you definitely give more. So yea, quadruple what you would normally give if you are going alone. You can skew up or down depending on how close you are with the couple.

      1. An $800 wedding gift?!? On top of travel expenses?!? Even our own immediate blood relatives did not give us anywhere near that much.

          1. Yes, per person. Why wouldn’t you try to at least cover the cost of your plate if you are able?

        2. That’s the top range I mentioned. I gave $350 for a friend’s wedding and it was just me and my fiancé so $800 for four people doesn’t sound outrageous to me but it all depends on budget and relationships.

    6. If you are able, I’d absolutely recommend to at least cover the cost of your plate. Why do some of you think this guidance is dated?

      1. Just because someone decides to have a fancy wedding doesn’t mean I need to defray the costs. They spend what they want, I’ll give them what I want.

        1. +1

          I don’t spend $200 on mediocre banquet hall chicken for myself, and I don’t see a wedding invitation as a summons to provide crowd filler and help fund their gathering, but as a sign that they want me to share in their happy day. I will give what I can afford and not worry about how fancy they decided to go.

  14. Most of my work pants start getting a little sheen on the bottom of the backside. Is this avoidable? Can it be fixed or is that just a sign of wear and I should replace the pants?

    1. My post was not clear. I meant near the butt/upper thigh area, the part of the pants that I sit on (and not the hem).

      1. I would keep wearing until there were literal holes in the pants. But my job does not require up to date clothing, only clean and stylistically appropriate.

    3. Sign of wear – as the fabric gets stretched repeatedly / worn from shifting around and friction with chair fabric.

    4. Sign of wear, exacerbated by lower quality fabrication or too aggressive of laundering for the fabrication.

    5. I get that on my blazer elbows but can minimize/push off its appearance by changing my arm-leaning habit. Higher quality material does go longer without showing wear, but once it starts it really can’t be fixed since it’s physical abrasion of the fabric. Elbow patches work for me to cover it but probably are not an option for your bum.

      Do you sit on a surface that causes extra wear on your pants (like, you have lunch every day while seated on a rough concrete bench) and could swap for a smoother surface? Do you scooch around in your chair and could retrain yourself not to do that?

      1. I would also consider the material of the chair. Is it a mesh like Aeron or a scratchy fabric? If so, maybe put a throw or chair pad over it?

    6. Do you sit in an Aeron chair? Those are notorious for wearing the fabric of work pants.

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