ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 127 Comments

Suit of the Week: Brooks Brothers

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

green velvet suit, featured with gold camisole, clutch, and sandals

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. Also: we just updated our big roundup for the best women's suits of 2025!

Fun fact: this was the color of the groomsmen's tuxedos in my parents' 1972 wedding. I'll be honest: I've never totally liked those tuxedos, and yet… this suit from Brooks Brothers feels really chic.

I love the drapey, loungey vibe to it, and given that it's a silk blend I'll bet it's both warm and incredibly cozy to wear. This may be one of the few times I also like it as styled, with gold sandals and accents.

I think this would be a fun outfit for a festive event on a workday, like a holiday party. I think you could wear both pieces as separates, also.

The suiting pieces were $318-$498, but are marked down in the big sale happening, so they come down to $222 to $348. The trousers may be down to lucky sizes, but call your local Brooks Brothers store and see if they can help you.

(Apropos of nothing, but here's something else that's down to lucky sizes: this cute teal suit from Banana Republic Factory.)

Hunting for velvet blazers for 2026? Some of our big favorites include Boden, L'Agence, J.Crew, Talbots, Good American, and Ann Taylor. On the less expensive side, keep an eye on usual suspects like Loft, H&M, White House Black Market, and Eloquii.

purple velvet blazer
Boden (4 colors)
professional woman wears velvet festive blazer
L'Agence
professional woman wears velvet festive blazer
J.Crew (3 colors)
professional woman wears velvet festive blazer
Talbots (2-24, 0P-22P)

Sales of note for 1/27:

127 Comments

  1. I’m looking for a moderately casual black or coordinates with black coat that is stylish AND warm for casual (not active) use. I have several nice wool coats but find them lacking in warmth and too dressy for around town. I like the look of Barbour jackets but they are not warm enough and the ones I ordered recently seem cheap compared to my old Beadnell. I used to have a Woolrich parka but it was so puffy it was hard to move around or drive in. Can someone point me to a unicorn? After ordering and returning at least 10 coats in the last couple of years, I am willing to spend up to 900 dollars to be done with this.

      1. I also love my loden coat and get compliments from all ages. I purchased mine secondhand.

      2. That’s beautiful. I should have specified I don’t want anything longer than mid thigh, preferable just past the butt.

    2. North Face Arctic Parka. Warm enough for MN winters, mid thigh, not a down puffer.

    4. Eddie Bauer has a ton of coats–I find their quality excellent. Some are puffier than others. You didn’t specify what climate you’re in fully–my rec would be different for a wet place vs. a not-so-wet place bc it’s colder. But I find their coats really really durable and some are stylish. They also come in Petite, reg, Tall and plus, so they really have a coat for nearly every body.

      I don’t have a rec from their current lineup because I’m still wearing a bunch of coats from years past from them.

  2. Do your parents have any Christmas ornaments/decorations you’re excited to inherit? My mom, who started as a flight attendant in the 1960s glory days of aviation, has been collecting airplane Christmas ornaments since 1969. She has an entire tree of them. Super sweet and very her. My grandfather was a pilot and my husband is a pilot, so the tree will continue indefinitely <3

    1. Yes, but my mother is very un-sentimental and will just donate things without asking, so I don’t have hope that I’ll get what I want. When I ask directly she claims thing never existed.

    2. Not me, but my husband’s parents bought him an engraved Reed & Barton silver bell every year from 0–18. It’s one of his most cherished keepsakes, and they passed the collection on to us for our first married Christmas tree. We’ll absolutely continue the tradition with our future children.

      I’m looking forward to getting my mom’s nutcracker collection. Very her.

    3. My mother has collected beautiful ornaments over the years, many of them from family trips. I’d love to have them one day.

    4. So my tree has a dessert theme. There was a plastic gingerbread man and house that I always always loved growing up. My mom gifted me the man and gave the house to my estranged brother who probably just threw it in the trash. I told my husband how sad I was since I literally have nothing from my childhood (I don’t have kids and so everything has gone to my brother. Even all photos.) Anyway, I kind of bemoaned the loss and how it was just one more thing. About a week later he gave me a package —with a little glass gingerbread house. I added it to the tree next to the man and we now refer to that section as “spite corner.” I seriously married a good man.

  3. If you were going to buy 5 new/new to you items this winter, what would they be? Looking for inspiration. All my clothes feel frumpy right now. Unfortunately, the trendy, oversized silhouette doesn’t do my short, curvy shape any favors.

    2. Do shoes count? I just got some doc martens in a Chelsea boot style and am obsessed. They instantly make me feel cooler.

    3. I just got to the point where I’d rather have updated clothes. I’m a mid sized middle aged lady and I’m so sick avoiding current silhouettes because I look slightly skinner in clothes from years and years ago. You do you though.

      I got a cute sweatsuit in dark green from jcrew, and a few updated basic knit tops from there. I already have great updated jeans in bootcut and wide leg. I’m adding a pair of slip on casual shoes and a long gray coat. Oh and a casual Sherpa bag. I’m wfh so no business clothes here.

      1. I think it’s personal–my body isn’t made for chasing trends, but some people can pull anything off.

    4. Yeah, it’s perfectly fine to give trends a pass! I ended up with new relaxed straight cords, a casual Faherty sweater, a new Saint and Sofia brown crossbody bag, and I am looking for some brown loafers.

  4. Does this exist? I have been looking for quality solid tops or thin sweaters to wear under blazers that are not crew neck in colors other than white or black. I feel like I have looked everywhere.

    1. Do you want something silky like a blouse? You haven’t found thin v-neck sweaters at somewhere like J.Crew Factory or the Gap Outlet?

      1. Or turtleneck sweaters? BR Factory has a range that are V neck and turtleneck, and then of course there are more expensive options at BR, Boden, etc. Uniqlo also has cashmere v necks in a range of colors. Also check J Crew, Lands End, LL Bean…

        1. I just bought the BRF ones in a v-neck during Black Friday. They had a lot of jewel tone colors.

        1. I was going to recommend these as well until I noticed the no crew neck– they aren’t like amazing quality, but they are good enough and they’re 100% cotton–the J Crew Factory Teddie sweater. I have them in like 4 colors.

    4. Not greatest quality but it’s so hard to find v necks I feel. I found red and green Calvin Klein brand at TJ Maxx

    5. I wear Talbots pima cotton bateau neck tees and their audrey cashmere sweaters (also bateau). Thin v-neck sweaters I like for layering often come from Boden.

      BR Factory, JCrew Factory and Jcrew sometimes have v-necks or scoop sweaters that are cute, and if you are choosy about fabric, I swear Old Navy does too (at times).

    6. Late to comment but LL Bean Pima cotton shirts come in a ton of options for colors, sleeve lengths and necklines. The white ones are opaque!

      The quality is excellent, it’s a very smooth cotton with a silky feel and almost shine to it, hard to explain. I’ve had some for ages.

  5. Help! I have a first date on Saturday and I’m struggling with what shoes to wear. I’m open to buying new shoes. I’m wearing a midi black sweater dress (goes past my knees). Not sure if I should wear tights. It will be cold but not dressing (low 40s). I don’t know what shoes to wear! I have problems with my feet and can’t wear heels. I have some Chelsea boots but those don’t look right. I have black flats but I wear them constantly to work and they just feel very “officey.” What would you wear?? This is the dress: https://www.amazon.com/ZESICA-Womens-Sweater-Bodycon-Dresses/dp/B0D49X69PL

    1. I would pair with tall black boots. The length of the skirt will cover the top of them. Very chic.

    5. Thank you all! I just ordered black tights and knee high boots in black suede. Hoping everything fits.

  6. Can someone please tell me what to do with old planners? I’m an attorney in insurance defense that goes to trial maybe once a year (with the exception of a year with four jury trials in back to back months) and does all of in-person / remote things that go along with litigation (depositions, hearings, mediation, etc.) I was told as a young attorney that attorneys keep their planners for seven years for malpractice purposes and just never thought about it beyond saving my planners. Do I need to save these or can I toss them?

    1. Practicing 20 years. I have never heard such a thing, though I can’t say I have had a paper planner in more than a decade.

    3. Toss unless they have specific notes that would help you in a malpractice case (e.g., relayed settlement offer to client). I’d take a pic of the latter, save in the client file, and toss the original.

      Also, aren’t most malpractice SOLs 2 years?

    5. I’m not an attorney but I’m on year 3 of being divorced from someone who is a nightmare and I work in a highly regulated field.

      I have kept all my diaries from when I was 25. They are digitized and in pdf format. Professionally it’s helped. Personally it has really helped track behaviors and issues as a result of said behaviors.

      I have my assistant scan in my diary and use ChatGPT to make it readable so events can be searched for.

  7. I have a relative who lives in a very small rural town and is seen by a local doctor, cancer care (stage 4 diagnosis with 12 months to live about a year ago but is undergoing chmo) is in a different larger town and the ER is in the county seat one county over. Her doctors don’t cover this hospital. They went to the ER because her husband, who is also elderly, cannot care for her at home any more (this is also a sudden change from a month ago) but I think they are spiraling with trying to coordinate what happens next because no one owns her, care-wise, among permanent doctors she has dealt with or among the hospital providers who rotate through. I think that for someone with a terminal diagnosis who can’t eat, someone needs to say hospice, not subaccute rehab with PT and OT and a feeding tube, is something to discuss (but for the relatives: with what doctor or with whom, exactly)? Jumping on a plane to try to help out and be with her and her husband.

    Is there any sense of how to help them sort through this? The hospital wants to discharge her and she can’t really go home (but other than the cancer, nothing is “wrong” with her in the traditional hospital sense). Apparently 25% of ER visits are for cancer complications and I’m guessing the end-of-life ones where an at-home carer are a good # of that where someone isn’t just ill and needing an IV or having a related infection.

    1. If the hospital doesn’t have an elder care social worker available, the post-hospital rehab facility might bring that into play. It would be worth checking out. My mother’s issue was dementia, and the first time we were offered the services of the “social worker”, I was resistant due to my ignorance in thinking social workers were for the poor or the abused. There’s a whole category of them out there that advise and refer on elder care options.

    2. Doctors are often very hesistant to talk about the H word because people and their families often want to live forever. Go ahead and bring it up with doctors and nurses; be forthright. Hospice doesn’t have to mean dying tomorrow; it can be a path to the end.

      But btw, this isn’t just a rural thing. There are so many specialists at the end oftentimes that no provider feels they own the patient and that they have visibility into everything going on, and again they don’t want to get yelled at if the family has an invicibility complex. It really takes a family member standing up and saying, ok, we need to go a different direction.

      2. Just from the limited info in your post, I wouldn’t necessarily dismiss the subacute rehab center idea, because it sounds like she needs a lot of hands-on care that isn’t/can’t be handled at home, even if she moves to no-cancer-treatment/quality-of-life treatment only. When you meet with the hospital social worker (insist on this!), come with a list of the kinds of care the relative actually needs, and make sure to really push for details on what kind of assistance is actually available with hospice, if they recommend that. For example, in my state, going to hospice would have actually significantly reduced the number of aide hours for things like help with showering, putting on/off blankets to get to a comfortable temperature, holding a cup for sips of water, stretching routine to prevent pain, transferring to a wheelchair to go outside and feel the sun for a few minutes, compared to what they were already receiving on medicaid. Since it sounds like a rural area, there may not be any actual residential hospice, and in-home hospice heavily relies on assumed family support.

        1. In the major metropolitan area where my parent died, I found no option for inpatient hospice that could take care of someone for weeks to months.

          What was available was at-home (or at another facility paid for by the family) hospice, which meant that the hospice nurses and helpers came to the facility/home a few hours a week. The one place that had inpatient hospice only had it for short-term stays of a fews days (I think, maybe a smidge longer).

      3. This is true. I felt like they were just pushing my stepdad in and out of the hospital due to pnemonia from the chemotherapy when he was 86. I kept asking about his prognosis and they “had no way to know because they don’t have a crystal ball.” My cousin, a social worker, told me to ask whether hospice was appropriate. all of a sudden, they could figure out that he had less than 6 months to live and he went to home hospice. Without the chemo, his last two months were pleasant at home with medication, family and friends. It is disgusting that the doctors are chicken to be honest.

    3. I have seen this with dementia patients, not cancer, but still rural. Many use a local hospice provider who will send someone a couple of times a week. Then supplement with paid aides for an hour or two recommended by the local aging agency. Hospice is there to help toward end of life so they would be the appropriate choice here unless she needs the therapy. Some hospice agencies do have residential spaces but they will probably not be in their town.

    4. For my mom, she was in and out of lucidity because she was dying. But we didn’t want to have her wake up alone in a new place or transport ambulance with no idea where she was or to be alone and upset that her family had sent her to hospice. She was competent but my dad had a HCPOA. We all wanted to discuss it but it was hard to get everyone in a room with the doctor while she was awake and alert. And then she got COVID, so no one could see her and she couldn’t be moved. She made it to a residential hospice that was very restful and peaceful and died there probably a month or two later than idea. The hospital and rehab weren’t restful and she didn’t need her vitals checked 24/7 or PT /OT. It was all just a mess. And IMO 100% foreseeable by medical people and this is where my parents didn’t get any guidance until they were in crisis.

    5. I agree with some other posters that you can bring up hospice. The other thing you could do is ask for a referral to a palliative care physician – they will often “own” care for patients and should have good information about the various full-time care options.

    6. First, NO ONE can discharge her if husband/family refuses to take her home. Her husband can simply say he cannot take care of her home and just say NO. They wont throw her on the street, even if they threaten to! The social worker then needs to come, and with family/husband/patient they decide if she can go to a nearby subacute rehab as a transition to a Nursing Home. Its what happens when family is not around or the spouse does not have the mental/financial wherewithall to manage. Hospice can be added while in the Nursing Home. Alternatively, while she is in subacute rehab, you have time to coordinate hiring home caregivers – if that is an option instead of staying in a Nursing Home. It is a lot of work to manage home caregivers and end of life care for someone with cancer. It is brutal work, and Home Hospice gives very very little help in the home. Sounds like a lot of help needs to be hired and/or family needs to come to help. It is also very hard to find stand alone inpatient hospice programs, but this is something the Palliative Care doctors in the hospital will know about.

      So while you are in the hospital, ask for Palliative Care to come consult before discharge to discuss how to manage all of the ongoing symptoms/problems so she is more comfortable and to help decrease family stress/anxiety. Palliative Care is the doorway to Hospice, if that word has not been used already, but they also help figure out a path before you are ready for that. They will talk through how she is doing, will talk with oncology about prognosis (if that has not been done already), and will help give recommendations for her quality of life symptoms (lack of appetite? depression? lack of energy? pain?). And they will help with decisions about whether a feeding tube is the right thing or possibly the wrong thing, by causing complications like pain/discomfort/infections etc.

      The oncologist is the main driver of the treatment for the cancer. They are ultimately the ones in charge. Yes, they should bring up transitions to hospice sooner. But also some families are very resistant and want to continue treatment, the discussions are very difficult and can be destructive to patient/doctor relationships if not done well, and unfortunately there is little time or teaching in this arena. We need to do better.

      In very good cancer centers, every older person with advanced cancer should have a Palliative Care following them throughout their care. Unfortunately, many hospitals do not have these specialists. Their appointments take a lot of time, get paid relatively poorly, and not enough doctors are trained.

  8. I had surgery over the summer and my insurance company denied part of the necessary treatment, which I paid out of pocket for at the time. After appealing the claim, they have since agreed to cover it, but keep “losing” my paperwork or making clerical errors in getting the payments processed and I keep having to call back and spend an hour on the phone, only to be told another couple of weeks. At this point it’s either bad faith or gross incompetence. I looked at filing a claim with my state insurance board, but my healthcare is self-funded through my employer. We have a Health Advocate program benefit – has anyone had any success getting a company like that to fight insurance claims on your behalf? Or any other suggestions to finally get my insurance company to stop messing around and actually pay the claim?

    1. did you pay on a credit card? maybe have your credit card company fight this battle for you

    2. I would definitely reach out to HR on this, especially since the insurer agreed to cover it. The insurer is really just an administrator in this case. Your employer is paying. I had a similar issue when working at a large corporation, which also self-insured (prescription plan promised to cover a certain medication and reneged) and HR ultimately helped me get it covered.

        1. +2

          OP – insurance companies do this on purpose because incompetence works. People give up. They make more money. It is infuriating and wastes so much of OUR time (and money).

          Definitely call the Health Advocate. Perfect.

    3. I had a third-party administrator through my employer help with fighting a denial once. They were able to get me and a rep from the insurer on the phone and guide things. Definitely call the Health Advocate. Since you already won the appeal, the hard part should be done. They can push on prompt payment terms with the insurer.

  9. Where do I get started with a stock portfolio/investments? I’m saving 100% of my second paycheck into a HYSA each month, but want to start sectioning off a chunk of that into some stocks to create financial success for down the road. I pay myself first (bills, retirement, emergency fund is complete (for now) etc.).

    2. Also, in case you are not educated on this–you are likely looking for a passive index fund, a mutual fund/ETF (higher fees) or a target date fund. Investing in individual stocks is often riskier and involves a higher level of sophistication with investing that you likely have. So you want to diversify.

      You may benefit from books such as “Smart Women Finish Rich” or things by Suze Orman, that teach investing and personal financial basics.

      Last, saving half your paycheck is great, but also make sure that you are taking advantage of tax-advantaged savings such as a 401(k), IRA or health savings account as well, as those can be powerful vehicles for long term wealth accumulation too.

      Good luck!

    3. I agree with the Bogleheads approach. Simple. Low fee index funds. Just get the automatic investing a bit every month going, and let it ride for the long term.

      Open an account with Fidelity (better customer service and website) or Vanguard.

      And great job on getting started!

  10. I’m having surgery soon and would like to spruce up my bed. What are your best pillow recommendations in a variety of price points?

    1. I like pillows from Target or Costco. I am allergic to feathers, so I just buy a few pillows that are standard and a few that are firm. If you know you may need to elevate your knees, get a “triangle” pillow from Amazon. Wishing you a safe and speedy recovery!

    2. Honestly when I had a hard recuperation ahead of me few years ago, I went to Target and bought a wide variety of cheap pillows to supplement my existing ones. I had about any conceivable option or combination of pillows imaginable, and enough of them to leave some with the bed and some on the sofa. It was nice.

    4. I have a down body pillow from The Company Store and it has been with every penny.

  11. Feeling upset as a classic boy mom cliche. Son is 26 and lives 1 1/2 away north. His 24 year old girlfriend is in another state for grad school. She has been in our state with her parents, 2 hours to the west since Thanksgiving. Son is going skiing with her family from 19-27. He will celebrate with us on the 28th. All good for him as I am happy he is living his life. I fully expected that we would all get together before or after the trip in December. My problem is we haven’t seen the both of them since last summer and won’t see her until Jan. 5 where we will be “expected” to exchange gifts. I do not want to buy her a gift. now. I am really aggravated that they can’t come to our place for a day for dinner before or after ski trip. January just feels insulting and I am angry and hurt. Problem is I know its her mom who is insisting that she spend every waking moment at the family home. I don’t want to be this cliche but I feel so resentful. My son is aggravated with the situation as well and me complaining to him will only make him more upset. So here I am, telling all of you.

    1. Two hours away means you’re asking them to do four hours of winter driving to see you, and dinner means at least 2 of those hours will be after dark and some portion will be going back up the mountains to their ski lodge. I wouldn’t want my kids making that drive! Could you suggest meeting in the middle for breakfast or lunch instead so everyone involved is driving in the daytime?

    2. ok a 4 hour round trip is a lot for a dinner so please temper your expectations there.

      Personally when I was starting to date my now-DH seriously, I was in law school and also spent most of my Christmas break (incl. the day itself) home with my family or traveling with him, and not at his parents’ house! To exchange gifts with parents we just mailed each other small items to open on the day, and I talked to his family on Christmas.

      It sounds like this is everyone’s first time with how to prioritize (1) couple for themselves, vs (2) both families at holidays. Maybe your son & GF can plan to prioritize your family for the actual holiday next year.

      1. +1 I feel like if you want to see them before they are ready to come to you, it’s on you to make the trip.

          1. Same way you would if you wanted to see anyone in another town — suggest a restaurant.

          3. I would suggest not driving 2 hours to the parents’ town unless you’ve already met GF’s parents. Like, each of you meeting the others’ parents is a big deal, but then your parents meeting each other is next level.

            If not, and there’s a cute town with a nice lunch spot about halfway in between, I’d suggest doing a merry Xmas lunch there earlier than Jan. 5.

          4. Not really – visit the son and have dinner. Grad school can be more demanding than a full-time job, regardless of what her location is, so being gracious, while taking the edge off of missing him, might be a more effective strategy.

          5. I don’t think it’s very appropriate to intrude on the GF’s family time, even if you’re proposing taking them to a restaurant rather than showing up at their house (though the former is definitely much better than the latter!)
            Usually when you drive from out of town with the hope of seeing someone, you either 1) know they’re expecting you and want you to visit or 2) you have another reason to be in town, e.g., a business trip, so they can decline without upsetting you. Neither really applies here so I wouldn’t do it.

          6. I don’t think any of us were suggesting just show up. Call your son, invite him to dinner, tell him he’s welcome to have his girlfriend join if she’d like or she can skip it. Sounds like the son wants to see mom.

    3. First of all, I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. However, it might help if you focus on what you want – it sounds like you want a dinner? Or is it an overnight at your home? Could you go to them instead of them coming to you?
      Regardless, if you want to see them more frequently I would suggest getting comfortable going to them. I remember being so proud/excited when I was able to ‘host’ my family in my own home as a young adult. Plus if they do get married/have kids they likely will want to start traditions in their own home.

    4. Missing a detail that will inform my opinion–what word is supposed to be after the 1 1/2 away–hours? days? states?

      1. Hours. We are all in the same state for the past 5 weeks but he is working until the 19th.

      1. Because I’m not doing 3 Christmas celebrations. Dinner in January is fine. But not a Christmas dinner with holiday outfits and presents. When I suggested to my family that we don’t do presents for anyone not here on the day, that was rejected

        1. It’s pretty wild to say that you won’t exchange gifts with your son unless you see him on Christmas.

          But, just because you’re exchanging gifts doesn’t mean it needs to be a Christmas celebration. Have a normal dinner, no holiday outfits or other holiday extras, and exchange gifts.

          1. I didn’t say that anywhere. We are celebrating Christmas with him on the 28th.

        2. Don’t wear a holiday outfit or cook a Christmas dinner, then. Exchanging gifts doesn’t have to be a big production.

    6. I feel like this is how it is if your parents are divorced: you spend time here and there and have your own home as an adult and no one is happy with you are you are exhausted. Holidays aren’t joyful. I want to do November with one family and December with another and sit still and have a drink for NYE. Alone. Bah humbug.

      1. When I told a former boss that I was getting married, he looked at me and said “Congratulations! And know that you have just f$&ked up all your holidays”. Thanks to a needy MIL, and a husband who turned out to be 100% mama’s boy, he was correct.

        Wishing everyone else who marries a better experience.

    7. He’s coming to you on the 28th, and she’s staying with her parents? Just clarifying.

      I don’t agree that this is a “boy mom” situation. Her mom is insisting on something. You are not insisting on what you want so they won’t be annoyed with you. Either state what you want and insist, or be the nice mom and let them live their lives.

      The real question is why GF is not coming to you on the 28th and doesn’t feel it’s worth standing up to her mom about. Either she doesn’t want to see you, or she’s totally controlled by her mother. Neither of these bode well for your relationship. But I think you need to get her a gift.

      1. Anon at 5:43: yep. He will be driving to see us after his return from skiing as he is off work all week. I know I really need to get her a gift and get along to go along. But I also know that her being controlled by her mother is not going to bode well for our relationship.

        1. Bestie, you’re upset that your kid isn’t willing to be guilted by his mother into driving 4 hours to see her. I think there is a little bit of a pot/kettle situation here…

          2. +1

            I’ve been the kid in this position. FR, the reason mom didn’t see me until January many years? It’s because I wanted to enjoy the holiday season and not spend it with her bitterness and manufactured butthurt drama poisoning everything.

            FWIW, I am estranged from her for a decade now because she was just so miserable to be around. I have no regrets for cutting her out. OP, I’m not saying this is exactly your case, but offer it as a cautionary tale to you to really step outside of your own feelings and critically evaluate the conditions – spoken or unspoken – you are putting on others with whom you want a relationship.

    8. But your son is coming to see you on the 28th right? I think you need to re-examine the expectations you are putting on a 24 year old girl who isn’t part of your family. She isn’t married to or engaged to your son. To come and spend a day with you in January is totally appropriate and normal. If you son chooses to spend a bunch of time with her family, that’s his decision, but you don’t get access to someone else in return.

      2. I agree with this.

        I’m a little bit confused by the original post, though: “we haven’t seen the both of them since last summer” Does that mean that you haven’t seen either of them, or that you haven’t seen the both of them together at your house?

        If the latter, good on you for liking your son’s girlfriend and wanting to see her! When you do see her, let her know you enjoy her company and that she’s always welcome!.

        If you haven’t seen your son either, and is resentful that he’s not coming home as much as you’d like, and maybe spending more time with his girlfriend (even when she’s with family), that’s on your relationship with him, not her.

        But these things might not matter when you feel hurt, and it’s okay to feel hurt. Holiday dynamics is weird. You would do your future relationship with her a big service if you can let it go, though. If her own mother is clingy or demanding, spending time with you, in the future, will be a thankful breathing space for her and a place to relax. Somebody like you, who can easily see yourself from the outside and accept that you’ve dropped headfirst into a stereotypical situation, has a lot of potential to make this situation better for everybody for years to come.

        1. Thank you for your sweet comment. I really am trying to let it go as they have been together 5 years and I expect them to get engaged after she is done with grad school. My son comes home often since he graduated a got a job a few hours away and I’ve gone up and stayed with him. It is that we haven’t seen her as in both of them since last summer. I think I am afraid that this will be a pattern in the future with marriage, children etc. My son is annoyed that she won’t say no to her mother. My mom was so good with her stepkids and when I got married about dividing holidays without drama. And I am genuinely happy that they love him so much to take him skiing for a week. I just wish that his girlfriend wanted to come here for a day.

      4. Access? Ew weird language . If she doesn’t want to come for the holiday then don’t: but I don’t want January as an obligation. I’d rather not see her at all.

        1. You’d rather not see her at all than see her… in… January?

          I had a lot of sympathy for you in your initial post and understood that you were just venting your frustration in a safe direction. But this makes you sound like a bad MIL/boy mom cliche for sure.

    9. I realize this is very cultural and family dependent but I never spent any holidays with my husband’s family until after we were married. Of course, I also didn’t expect them to buy me gifts. But I do think you’re putting a little too much significance on the date – it seems really nice that they want to come and visit, does it really matter if it’s in late December or early January?

      1. Only matters if it is expected on me to make a 3rd christmas party.

        1. But are you expected to make a third Christmas party or is that what you are assuming? I doubt your son and GF care about holiday outfits, etc. like you suggested above. You can just have a nice normal dinner or even go out and exchange gifts.

          2. Weirdly, yes this is the expectation. Last year, I had purchased cute Christmas PJs that she didn’t get until January when we saw her.

    10. You don’t have to buy her a gift if you don’t want to, but I presume the assumption of a gift exchange emanates from the fact there will be an exchange between her parents and your son, so keep in mind the asymmetry if you choose not to buy her something. My parents were those parents. It’s not a great look, but you can stick to principles if you wish.

      1. Give giving is supposed to be fun and between people who want to be together over the holidays. It is not fun when it is an afterthought. When my brother and I became adults, we stopped with presents and my mom and stepdad had parties. I am the only one who seems to be on board with new traditions.

        1. You don’t seem on board with much of anything based on these comments.

          Gift giving is fun year round if you make it fun.

    11. For this specific situation: if you’re “expected” to get her a gift but don’t really feel like doing it, think about this as practice for maintaining your relationship with your son. Treating her kindly is part of that. So get her something, even if just a gift card.

      For the broader issue: this seems more than just the dates, since Jan. 5 vs. Dec. 18/Dec. 28 isn’t really much time in the scheme of things. It sounds like you feel like you’re beholden to someone else’s schedule but were never consulted. If that’s the case, wait until after these holidays and then have a calm, honest conversation with your son. Think about what you want and let him know without demanding it.

      Holidays and family are tough, I know.

      1. The dates don’t really matter but Christmas is over over on the 26th. I remember one year we pretended Christmas was on the 26th because my husband had to work all day Christmas. Our son was three. When I ran to Walgreens on the 26th, Valentine’s day was up!

        1. this is dumb. tons of people, including me, celebrate a full twelve days of Christmas until Jan. 6, and our decorations stay up until Feb. 2. Christmas is over when you say it is, you don’t have to be beholden to Walgreens to tell you how to celebrate.

        2. Stores have Halloween out in July and bikinis out in January. It’s absurdly dumb to go by what stores are doing. I understand not wanting to reschedule your holiday celebrations every year and hoping that grown children will split holidays equally between you and their partner’s parents in the long run, but the more you comment the more it seems like you just want to be mad.

        3. I’m confused – is running to Walgreens on Christmas Day a typical holiday tradition for your family?

    13. Your son is perfectly reasonable in wanting to spend the holiday skiing with his girlfriend. You sound just as demanding and clingy as you are accusing his girlfriend’s mother of being. Let the themed PJs go.

    14. Maybe some reframing will help? In many traditions, the 12 days of Christmas start on Dec 25, and the 12th day of Christmas is January 5th. Twelfth Night has different traditions in different locations, including caroling, eating the citrus and other produce used in Christmas wreaths, eating king cake, and even exchanging gifts.

      I encourage you to be flexible, show your love, and embrace a new holiday tradition. Give your son’s girlfriend a gift, buy a king cake (you can order them off the internet- Haydel’s bakery makes a good one and ships), and put on your Christmas playlist one last time.

      1. This is the time to be gracious. Don’t be the future MIL people dread seeing. Don’t hold gifts hostage. Your son and his partner are grown and get decide how they as a couple want to spend vacation time. You need to be flexible and honor their decisions.

    15. I would figure out how to be gracious and as welcoming as possible. The reality is your son is going to choose his wife over his mother for the rest of his life. If you want a great relationship with him going forward you’re going to need to be the person who bends and tries extra hard. Third Christmas? Do it babe. And get her a nice gift and make sure the resentment is put deep away.

      1. yep yep. DH had a very overbearing, needy, resentful mother and it was a lot of work but he eventually made it clear to her that he was going to choose me over her 100% of the time, forever. She raised a great son and after he got married, his primary obligation is now and forever to me, and I don’t apologize for that.

        Eventually she found within herself the strength to stop being SUCH A BABY about everything. And then we moved to be near her, see her multiple times a week, spend almost all holidays with her almost every year, do a lot of what she wants to do, and DH is again at her beck and call as she ages. But that couldn’t happen until she could figure her shit out.

        If you can figure your shit out and not be a baby about this, you can probably skip the intervening 10 years we had of avoiding a needy, resentful mother and go right to the part where they DO start to seek to spend time with you and try to accommodate you.

Comments are closed.