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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Peplum Cardigan

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A woman wearing a white long sleeve peplum cardigan and black white line pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This peplum cardigan from Express won’t be for everyone, but if it’s for you, it’s very much for you. I saw a woman wearing something similar last week and it was so cute that I’ve been on the lookout ever since. I think it would look great worn over a sheath dress or paired with some high-waisted trousers. 

The sweater is $78 at Express and comes in sizes XS-XL, but today it's on sale for $58.

Sales of note for 1/15:

380 Comments

    1. I had a sweater like this about a decade ago and could never get it to hang right, in part I think because it was shorter than this one. I like that it is a bit longer, and doesn’t add a lot of volume to the waist.

  2. To yesterday’s Boy Mom thread, I caught up on the comments and see the following options. I have a SIL whose relationship with her parents sounds like your GF’s relationship with hers. We have not seen them on the actual holiday (TG or Christmas) since 2016. My ILs are hurt about that but value keeping a good relationship with their son & DIL over nagging, on the theory that being right but on bad terms is the worse outcome.

    1. See the couple on Jan. 5th as they proposed. Put away your decor and do not make anything about it Christmas-themed except exchanging gifts and do not buy any gifts that are Christmas-specific – like the holiday PJs you bought last year? That was an own-goal unless someone else was insisting it needed to be a replica of Christmas Day and you were begrudgingly going along with it. Enjoy spending time with them.
    2. Each of you mails the other gifts to open on the actual day and then you see them Jan. 5th. This is how a lot of families do it even if they see each other other times of year. I’ve never heard of conditioning gifts on in-person presence and tbh that makes you sound like the demanding one, not GF’s mother!
    3. Have Son stay with GF for the day after the ski trip, rather than him coming solo to you, and you arrange to go to them (either meeting halfway, or going to them) on Dec. 28th.
    4. Throw a fit that the couple needs to come to you closer to Christmas Day and see what happens.

    1. I read it late as well, and came to similar conclusions. I’m a brand new mother in law since both of my children married in the past 3 years. My job as a parent and mil is to patiently wait for everyone to figure out their holidays and schedules. My relationship with my kiddos and their partners are way more important that which particular day we spend together.

      1. My MIL has gracefully dealt with kids, kid divorces and family visitation schedules, and me marrying in with a crazy job (that is very crazy 4th quarter). She smiles and whatever she things, is nothing but lovely to all. She is nothing but a gift and I try to see her when I travel to her city for work and send my husband whenever he can go, with the kids or solo. She is nothing but a gift.

        1. ok, your MIL is goals! Became one in 2025; will gain a second DIL in 2026, and this is how I hope they will think of me in the future.

      2. I’m sorry, this is way too doormat. You’re allowed to have preferences and boundaries. You’re allowed to want to see family as NOT an afterthought person.

        1. Right. This is a recipe for them believing “since this isn’t as important to you as other people, we’ll do what other people want instead.”

        2. Of course one is allowed to want these things, but wanting them doesn’t mean one is entitled to have them, nor does the mother wanting them mean her own adult son’s wants should be shunted aside to please her.

          1. During the holidays, a defined time of year, it’s expected that you consider others.

          2. Sure but there’s a way to speak up for yourself. “Hey son, I’d be pretty disappointed to not see you both until January when the holiday is long over. What about ___ instead?”

          3. But his wants aren’t being shunted. The mom said she was okay with him spending the holidays with his girlfriend’s family and he is coming to see her on the 28th. She stated that he’s frustrated with the situation as well.

        3. And yet, they seek me out, so not adding to their holiday division burden seems to be working. And, honestly, I don’t care much about the holidays, I can mail their gifts or give them later. I’m happy that they randomly call and ask me (and dh) to different random activities.

        4. She is allowed to want to see family, but she’s putting an awful lot of conditions on it – it needs to be Christmastime (with 12/25 as the arbitrary date), it needs to be NOT be a party, there can be no gifts, etc. And she doesn’t seem to see her expectations are the problem here. Good luck to her going forward without much more flexibility. . . you can be right or happy most of the time.

          1. A lot of conditions and a lot of unnecessary drama. I’d be avoiding my mom if she was this overworked by her own feelings, too.

          3. Being upset that your kid is coming over on December 28 because Walgreens won’t have Christmas stuff out anymore is not reasonable.

      3. I’m so grateful for my lovely, kind, and understanding MIL every time I read threads like that.

    2. I’m the DIL in this scenario. We always go to my parents for Christmas break – but host my mother-in-law for an early Christmas celebration in December.

      We’ve done January with the in-laws but I agree, it felt a bit sad/second-best? When we celebrate in December, we have the tree, do a full Christmas meal, go to a show, and open presents. Both my MIL and her partner are of course invited – but her partner normally cancels last minute.

      1. Yeah, I think people do need to acknowledge that a week into January is WAY second best. It doesn’t do any harm to acknowledge the OP’s hurt there. To use Gen Z speak, I “see” that.

        1. Yeah unless you’re Catholic and it’s the height of the Christmas celebration, the holiday is over in January and it might as well be any other time of year.

          1. isn’t that Orthodox? I think December is the focus of Catholic Christmas.

          2. I think it’s more visible in Orthodoxy since Advent is an actual fast? But for all Catholics, Advent ends with Christmas, and Christmas extends into January.

          3. As my mom would say, it still counts as christmas if the presents make it before the three wise men did.

          4. And as my church choir director would say, they are Christmas carols, not advent carols. We sing them from Christmas Eve through Epiphany.

          5. Some Orthodox (and some Eastern Catholics) calculate the date of Christmas on the old (Julian) calendar, so it ends up actually being January 6/7

            Latin-rite (Roman) Catholics observe a “season of Christmas” that *starts* on December 25th, and has several possible end-dates depending on how long you want to stretch it out – there’s an 8-day “Octave of Christmas”; there’s Epiphany (Jan 6/the “Three Kings” day); and there’s an argument to be made for Feb. 2nd if you reallllllly want to stretch.

            So both groups end up having Jan 6 as a reasonable end date, but for unrelated reasons

        2. Yes–I think people are clinging to the positions that they hold in their own families where their own families of origin dominate in importance. OP is being offered crumbs. Which, some years that happens, and that’s ok. But hopefully isn’t a thing that happens EVERY year.

          1. Exactly. I’m guessing similar things have already happened in other years or throughout the year for other important events. These hurt feelings don’t usually happen in a vacuum. But either way, January 6 is absolutely crumbs for most American families and traditions.

        3. By January, I’m kind of over the celebrations and there are no Christmas lights / good Christmas theatre to compensate for the miserable weather.

          1. Me too. I want a serene, calm house and some plain food by then. It wouldn’t feel celebratory.

        4. It really depends on the family. DH’s mom is very Catholic and December is for Advent. Christmas is Christmas Eve through January 6th. We do Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve and January 6th with his family and Christmas Day and New Year’s Day with mine.

    3. I agree – TBH I haven’t spent more than 1/3 Christmases with my parents since DH and I got together 20+ years ago. We alternated holidays until we had 2 kids, then all holidays are at our house and whichever parents can come to us, we host. I am so thankful every time I read these kind of threads that both sides of the family were so gracious about it!!!!!

      1. Same. For military and health care workers and a lot of others, a holiday is what you choose to make it. Same if you have divorces and holiday shifting. You can choose to let go and enjoy what you have.

      2. Too much drama for today but we should start a separate thread debating whether everyone should be forced to go to the house that has kids at the holidays.

        1. Ha! I just had my first baby (in my 40s) and I’m cackling with delight (not really) that now it’s my turn to insist everyone travel to me after decades of being the one forced to travel and stay in uncomfortable places with no privacy – like the couch – because I was single.

        2. Hahaha, there’s a lot of that here. I don’t personally mind since my sister and her kids are only an hour away and she feeds us, but I get that for family farther away it’s more of a hassle.

        3. We are the house with kids and everyone comes to us- but honestly, we’d love to go somewhere else. Nobody else has the space/wants to deal with it.

    4. I was more sympathetic to OP than the rest of the commenters. The GF’s family is taking the full week before Christmas + Christmas. I guess my thought is that they aren’t married and he isn’t obligated to stay the whole week and should spend a few days and then come see mom for Christmas, and take his GF’s Christmas present home with him when he heads back.

      Anyway, OP from yesterday, it’s ok that you feel hurt. Men this age are newly torn about how to split time and frankly they just aren’t good at it and default to their significant other’s position. I always had a lot of respect for my husband–he took the reins on this fully (I always wanted to travel and opt out of family stuff entirely) and makes sure the time is evenly split for both families. Hopefully your son will learn to do this too.

      1. I agree. I also think that a lot of young men really, really take their mothers for granted and assume that that Mom will always do what he wants to do with a smile and not showing any feelings. We’re probably seeing some of that here too – or at least commenters are suggesting it.

        1. Agreed. I think there’s room to both say of course your happy to see him in January, but also you’re sad to not be seeing him closer to the holiday and if he can, you’d love for him to think about doing it differently next year. The options aren’t just pretend everything is absolutely perfect or throw a fit.

          1. Her son is coming to visit her solo on December 28th and then the son and GF are coming together in early January. There’s really no need to give the couple a massive guilt trip over this.

          2. She can share her expectation that she be considered in holiday planning in future years, even if it isn’t every future year. Holidays mean compromise.

      2. Completely agree. I thought the responses were ungenerous; I think the OP may have kneecapped herself by qualifying the post as “boy mom problems.”

        I didn’t get the shock at the idea of son + gf driving *gasp* two hours to celebrate Christmas. How far did they drive for the ski trip? Also, I was struck by how long this trip is. They’re spending what, 8-10 days with GF’s family and the two of them can’t come together on the 28th to spend a single night? I would be hurt too.

        1. Why wouldn’t a young person want to take full advantage of what sounds like a free ski trip?

          I have a daughter in college. We have made it clear that this is the best time in her life to take advantage of opportunities to spend time with friends and have new experiences, and that we will not be offended if she chooses not to spend holidays with us or come home for breaks as long as she is making sound, safe decisions. She did not come home for Thanksgiving this year and we did not mind a bit. We were happy to know she was enjoying herself and building independence.

          2. +1

            My parents flew me back from Europe when I was 22 because I ‘had’ to spend Christmas at home. I still regret not staying and spending the week traveling around and experiencing different traditions.

        2. Right. Two hours each way is not a huge deal where I’m from. Skip a day (of the one million days you have scheduled) of skiing, geez.

          1. Eh I’m a Midwesterner with a healthy appetite for road tripping somewhere for the day and I’ve done 4 hours round trip for a day trip but that’s about my limit. In much of the country like the northeast it’s much less common to drive that far for a day – you could cross multiple states in 2 hours in some places.

        4. They are flying for the ski trip and we live in Florida so the drive is flat and no snow. But after having a converation, I now know why they aren’t both coming on the 28th because another person is going to see them after ski trip. I did say my feelings are hurt but it seems to be a communication problem and not just that she didn’t want to come over with him.

      3. I was also sympathetic to OP, because my parents have similar feelings about how my sister handles holidays with her husband/in-laws (including before they were married), and it’s an issue that’s festered for years because no one has communicated like an adult about it. It’s definitely worth having proactive, respectful conversations with son about it and stating her needs. But something bothers me about OP’s thinking and it’s that she would rather not see GF at all than see her in January, and doesn’t want to get her a gift if she has to see her in January. Does OP even like her? This isn’t how you treat someone you actually like, and if you don’t actually value your relationship with her or like her, then why worry so much about when you see her? That strikes me as retaliatory or controlling. OP is only willing to celebrate with her if it’s on OP’s terms. My most generous interpretation is that she feels slighted and is having an emotional response, but really it’s just not appropriate to direct that towards a 24 year old girlfriend who has her own family obligations and priorities. OP’s comment that she’s worry that GF’s mother’s controlling relationship will be a problem for her is also alarming – like why? Someone is battling you for control over this girl? Leave her alone.

      4. It’s not that young men are pushovers or their SO keeps bulldozing them into spending time with her family. The issue I typically see is that the man isn’t willing to own the emotional and logistical labor of his mother’s requests (or demands) and his SO doesn’t volunteer to take that on for both sets of parents. You might be saying the same thing but it’s not about learning to stand up to his girlfriend/wife. He needs to learn that organizing get togethers is complicated and he’s equally responsible for making it happen.

        Not to rant, I’ve just witnessed too many friends deal with angry MILs because they always blame their DIL instead of their own son.

        1. A lot of MILs think it’s the woman job; it was their job after all, and their husbands let it to them. So they’re consistent anyway.

          1. And at least not planning a weeks long ski trip, probably insisting on driving together instead of separately, limiting his ability to get away for a portion of it. It’s still early for him–he’ll figure out his own way of creating space for his family and not being dominated by someone else’s.

        2. Yeah this is exactly what happened with my MIL. My husband tries to avoid dealing with her because she has a complex about holidays and every year whines about not getting one to herself – meaning we spend every waking moment with her and I don’t see my family at all.

          I grew up in a more-the-merrier family and she’s always invited to spend the holidays with us, but I include my parents. That drives her bonkers because she wants a holiday “with just her kids.” That’s an actual quote from Thanksgiving this year when she went on a rant about how glad she was that my parents had taken a cruise and not joined us. I see her as a complete scroog – my only sibling is dead, and my parents are in their mid 70s. My family has suffered a lot, and I will not exclude my parents to make her happy.

    5. The red flag in the original post was the use of the term “boy mom.” OP thought it signified that she was suffering in the way all mothers of grown men do when their “boys” are “forced” by their overbearing girlfriends to neglect them. Nope. When you say “boy mom” you automatically reveal that you are a self-centered person trying to foster an Oedipal relationship.

      1. This sounds insanely judgmental. Titling oneself “boy mom,” “toddler mom,” “girl dad,” etc. is not a red flag, it’s a description of your parenting situation. I’m not defending the original poster’s position, but your last sentence tells me more about you than about the original poster.

        1. I think the poor poster is a little extreme, but no, “boy mom” is not just a description. She was using it in a very specific way to convey a very specific meaning — which is more about her than her kid.

        2. “Boy mom” implies that the married couple (and grandkids) will always be closer to the wife’s parents because of the mother-daughter bond, and implies resentment of that. (1) it’s not always true (2) I agree that if it happens, it’s because the male in a couple doesn’t prioritize family relationships, and his wife is not willing to nurture his relationships with his parents while also trying to nurture her own relationships.

          1. Anon at 10:00am here. I reviewed the post and comments from yesterday and I get it now. I’m a mother of a kindergartner, and “boy mom” and “girl dad” have totally different meanings in my parent circles (normally implying the types of activities the kiddos are into and how a parent is stepping out of their gendered comfort zone to learn all the things their child/children enjoy). Thank you for providing context of what this terminology can imply in adult parental relationships.

    6. I think there was a LOT of handwringing about the GF. She’s young, she’s still in school, and she’s not engaged to your son. A visit a week after Christmas is totally appropriate in my book.

      Your January visit doesn’t have to be a third Christmas! I’m sure no one would object to it being a normal dinner at your house or a restaurant with a quick little gift exchange.

      I would never expect someone unmarried in their early 20s to give up Christmas with their family. Is your beef with your son for choosing to spend Christmas with her family? That makes a LOT more sense to me than your issue with his gf.

      I think the pushback on exchanging gifts with the girlfriend just because you have to do it in January is insane and will not go well for your future relationship with her or your son.

      I’m 30 and IME, being in your 20s is a really weird limbo with holiday expectations. Yes, you’re an adult and you have your own life by family doesn’t often treat it that way. It seems to me that you’re very much still part of the kid faction when it comes to scheduling and planning holidays, vacations, other family gatherings until you are married with children of your own.

      1. Agree with this.
        I was actually pretty sympathetic to the initial post because of course it’s disappointing to not be with your kid on Christmas, but the follow-up comments were seething with resentment about the girlfriend and blaming her for the fact that she “has” to buy the GF a gift, and I feel like that comes across as really petty and controlling. If you can’t fathom exchanging a gift with someone 10 days after Christmas (which is weird to me but ok) then don’t buy her a gift. Buying one and then being insanely resentful about it is not the way. And ultimately it is your son making this choice. If you’re mad about it, be upset with him or talk to him. It isn’t the girlfriend’s fault. Felt like there was a lot of misogyny in the OP’s follow up comments.

        1. Lots of us are petty when are feelings are hurt. She was venting anonymously in a “safe” space. Obviously she’s going to get it together for real life.

          1. To a point, but the instinct to blame the GF for her son’s behavior is absolutely going to come through in real life and probably already has – in fact, I suspect that’s why the GF isn’t in a hurry to visit.

          2. OMG! 110 comments! Thank you, 12:08. I mean, duh, I am venting in a safe space. People who came to the conclusion that I am blaming her for my son just injected their own issues. The gf isn’t coming because she can’t tell her mom no, but also, after talking to them, grad school obligations continued into this whole month (didn’t know that) and someone close to their family is coming right after Christmas.

          3. She’s 22. She is not engaged to your son. She’s allowed to want to be with her own family.

          4. But you keep blaming the GF (“she can’t tell her mom no”). Let it gooooooooooo.

          5. Anon at 6:07. What is wrong with you? Is it my son’s fault she can’t tell her mom no? How would my son be in charge of whether she comes to the house? The idiots who think it was about my son are projecting their own issues with their kids onto me.

          6. Anon at 6:07, Can you explain EXACTLY how the son would be in charge of whether his gf goes to his family’s home on the 28th with him? How is it on him at all? It is her decision entirely.

      2. I don’t get what the big deal is about a “third Christmas” – why not leave the decorations up a little longer and make a special dinner? Doesn’t sound like a huge lift to me. Also, OP, you’ve gotta let go here. Don’t become my needy mother in law who neither my husband or I enjoy visiting and only do it out of obligation.

          2. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh yes, the oh too well known phenomenon of men secretly wanting to spend time with their mothers but not being allowed by their horrible, controlling wives. Who they chose. And continue to remain married to.

      3. Maybe I missed it, but has the OP invited the GF for a visit, both for this Christmas and in general? Or is that just the expectation that visits should happen?

    7. We are local to my in-laws, so they get every holiday execpt Christmas. It helps that the big family gathering for them in Thanksgiving, and there have even been years when they have even hosted my mom.

      We usually do a nice dinner out with just the adults in late December, and our “make up day” for Christmas is usually January 31st – we go over and open presents after my family leaves, and then stay over for NYE and have cinnamon rolls the next morning!

      Before my husband and I were married, he would usually fly out after Christmas to my family, and then we would fly back together for NYE with his parents.

    8. With the caveat that I grew up in a “more the merrier family”, if you don’t have other children or people you’re seeing on Christmas Day and her family is only two hours away. I do think it’s weird that you haven’t been invited up to have Christmas with them.

      It’d be very feasible for you and your husband to drive up have Christmas lunch or dinner and then drive home.

    9. I feel like this is a son problem, not a girlfriend problem. She’s a 24 year old grad student who lives out of state from her boyfriend, her family, and OP. Obviously she wants to see her family and her boyfriend in her limited time off and boyfriend’s mom is a lower priority right now. If you want to see your son more, take that up with him, but don’t worry about the out of state girlfriend who’s already balancing a lot. Long distance relationships are hard, cut them some slack and don’t assume this is how things will be forever.

      1. This. They aren’t even engaged! See your son separately. GF owes you nothing.

        1. Almost right. She doesn’t get to be in a loving relationship with someone for years and owe his family nothing. They are a piece of her partner and need to be considered.

          1. Only to the extent needed for the health of the relationship with the partner. If the partner doesn’t care if she sees his family or defers to her preference happily, that’s also valid.

          3. Yes, even if they are only dating and she expects the majority of his time over the holidays. She has an obligation to consider others. To not do so is selfish.

          4. In case you’re confused, it looks like this: I want to see my family. I want my significant other with me during this time. Am I leaving space to make sure he gets to see his family too, or am I taking all of the best time for myself?

          5. The girlfriend can’t possibly be forcing him to skip Christmas with his mother. He is an adult man who made his own choice. He decided he wanted to spend Christmas with her and see his mother on the 28th. Perhaps he prefers a relaxed holiday with his girlfriend over a holiday stuck at home with his overbearing mother. Or perhaps he is a shallow fellow who just wanted to spend time at a fancy vacation home and go skiing. Either way, it’s on him.

          6. Nope. Gotta have a ring on it before I give up time with my family for his. GF owes BF’s mom zero consideration.

          7. This is the same line of thinking that has wives buying the MIL gifts because the grown men can’t possibly be expected to handle it. I love my mother in law. My husband is still responsible for the kin keeping. I don’t hinder him but it’s sure not my job to do it.

          8. I get it. You don’t want to consider the family of the man you love. That makes you selfish, it’s ok to own that.

          9. 11:18, what do you want the girlfriend to do? Force him to see his mother on Christmas Day?

          10. No, I invest in the relationships that are actually my family. My boyfriend is not my family. My husband is my family. I had plenty of 20-something serious relationships that ended and I would severely regret it if I passed on seeing my parents for those ex-boyfriends. She’s 24. The odds they marry are low.

        2. Anon at 9:26, they’ve been together 5 years, have partially lived together in undergrad and during internship. At this point, if she hates me, I’d rather know that and have her not come at all. You sound like the weirdo who used the term “access.”

          1. You can not celebrate holidays with in-laws pre-marriage without hating them. I never did. And even though they’ve been together for a while, she’s awfully young and still in school. It’s very normal for a 24 year old student to go home to her parents for holidays. A 28 year old who’s been in the workforce for a few years is in a very different stage of life, despite only being a few years older.

      2. I think this is mostly right. I don’t disagree. But I’d also say that she’s old enough to consider what it means to be in a relationship and the obligations it confers re her partner’s family. To not consider his family is selfish, even if the reasons are understandable.

          1. Exactly, he’s free to visit his mom and she’s feee to see her family. He’s choosing not to and that’s the issue, not anything the GF is choosing here.

          2. Yeah, I doubt anyone would be casting blame on a boyfriend if the genders of the son and gf were flipped. He’s free to see his family.

      3. I think this is the right take — talk to your son, don’t blame the girlfriend!

      4. Politely, I disagree. This isn’t a situation where the girlfriend only has two weeks off and wants to spend that time with her family, which I would totally understand. She is staying with her family from Thanksgiving to early January, a solid five to six weeks, including a more than week long ski trip. My assumption is she isn’t attending classes during this time. Why can’t the girlfriend take that single day, 12/28, a non-holiday Sunday, out of six weeks to spend time with her longterm boyfriend’s family and celebrate with them? Something else is going on with the girlfriend’s family dynamic here and I understand why the mom is disappointed.

        2. Yeah, that’s how I’m seeing it, too. I’m guessing there’s a lot more to the dynamics here.

          I also think it’s true that it can be very hard as a young person to navigate the family expectations around the holidays. Her son and GF aren’t doing a great job, but most of us don’t.

      5. This is mostly right, but I do sort of think that the son and the girlfriend are together sending the message that they are a social unit for holidays, by spending the holiday together with the girlfriend’s family, and the OP is hurt that their social unit is choosing to spend lots of time with the girlfriend’s family rather than with her. I don’t think there’s a heck of a lot she can do about it, and 9:21 is right that the only thing to really do is talk to the son, and I think I’d also re-emphasize what others are saying about them being young, still working all of this out, etc., but I get why OP’s feelings are hurt re: the girlfriend. From the outside, it looks like they are together choosing to prioritize the girlfriend’s family.

      6. This. I think people are underestimating the extent to which the son and GF being in a long distance relationship is a factor here. My husband and I were bicoastal long distance for the first two years of our marriage. He lived in the same city as his parents and I don’t recall ever seeing them when I visited him. It wasn’t anything against them, I just had such limited time with him that spending all our time alone together was the priority. And we were married and they were officially my in-laws. It doesn’t sound like OP’s son and his girlfriend have anywhere near 6 months together. She may be with her parents from Thanksgiving through New Year’s but is with her BF for much less, and makes sense to want to prioritize time as a couple.

        2. I can see your point in general, but not in this case. They aren’t prioritizing time together alone as a couple, all of their time together will seemingly also be spent with her family.

          1. I don’t really think that changes anything. She’s allowed to prefer the company of her own family to her (not yet) in-laws. The vast majority of people do.

          2. All of that time is spent with her family because her mom is controlling and domineering. GF most certainly wanted to spend time with him at his apartment where he is still working.

      7. My son visits us, calls and texts all the time, and I visit him. He is only 1 1/2 to 2 hours away. Son spending Christmas away is not a problem at all. We did all talk and posters were right about grad school – she has had projects for classes through the month taking her time. Also, she told me that she learned at the last minute that a live long family friend is coming from Europe right after Christmas which I why I am not seeing her right after the holiday. The conversation really helped after I got my venting out here.

    10. I’m not crazy religious and neither is my husband but my own mother was the one to throw an absolute fit if people aren’t with us on the holiday itself. Guess which family we see least over the holidays? I agree that this isn’t a super fair distribution of time but it sounds like that’s more on your son than the girlfriend (he could have said ‘hey, I want to spend more time with my family so I’m going to leave the ski trip earlier).

      2. I don’t need him to leave the ski trip at all. I see him pretty regularily and we talk and text.

    11. To me the whole idea of adult children going to their parents at Christmas is odd. I have never done it. By the time my husband and I could afford to travel, we had kids so our parents came to us if they wanted to see us.

      1. Some of us recognize that all relationships with having require effort, even with our parents.

    12. Yesterday OP said that she IS seeing her son on the 28th. The issue around Jan 5 is only related to seeing her son AND THE GF. With that context, to me this is a nonissue and OP should just do exactly what the couple suggests.

      What does OP think is so burdensome about “celebrating Christmas” again on the 5th? Exchanging gifts takes literally 5 minutes. Have the wrapped gift for the gf in a closet on a shelf ready to go. It’s not clear to me what else will be involved.

      1. Honestly I’d just mail her gift or send it with him on the 28th. And I’d probably just make it a nice scarf and a heart-felt card. No need to spend too much thought on someone who is putting you last.

        1. I think it’s fine to send the gift with the son on the 28th. Assuming that doesn’t mean the visit on the 5th will be turned away, but will just be treated as a “so nice to see you and catch up!” with the gf.

          I mean, reading between the lines, obviously the gf doesn’t care about seeing her bf’s parents. They haven’t seen her in a year and a half. Not sure what being resentful about it versus self-reflective or resilient is supposed to accomplish.

          1. Right. Send the gift with the son. The Jan. 5 can just be a social visit to catch up and spend time together. It doesn’t have to be holiday themed.

      3. Yeah I commented above, but I do not get the issue with a third Christmas (and am a bit lost on what the second one was). Just leave the stuff up and cook dinner, it’s not like you wouldn’t do that anyway.

        1. Exactly, or don’t leave the stuff up, since OP seems determined that Christmas is completely over on the 26th.

          2. I’m like this. After Christmas, the decorations seem like one big ‘to do’ on my l list, so I take them down. Otherwise, it is stressful.

          3. I think you need help with reading comprehension. Christmas is over in January. We are already celebrating on the 28th with my son. If you go back, you will notice that it was in response to the idea that Christmas goes to January 6 (which is culturally specific to Catholics) with the example that the one year we did it on the 26th, Walgreens had already put out valentines. Hope that helps.

          4. Don’t you know, it’s over because Walgreens says it’s over? /s

            OP, go to NYC some time. All the Christmas stuff is up through mid-January. I will be visiting European Christmas markets in early January this year. Your stance that Christmas cannot be celebrated the first week of January is very far from universal.

          5. Again, we think it’s weird that you think Walgreens defines when Christmas is over for your family.

        2. See the other thread about Christmas totally wrecking a woman – it’s not easy for everyone.

        3. You are lost? There is Christmas Eve on the 24th, Christmas on the 25th, Christmas with my son on the 28th. And then January. . . ..

          1. Every single one of OP’s additional responses makes me thank the good lord I am not her son’s girlfriend (or son) – I’m getting my parents something extra lovely this Christmas.

      4. OMG. It is being an afterthought. Why exchange gifts if its just obligation?

    13. Also, FYI- Christmas is 12 days. The last day of Christmas is Jan. 6th. So not hard to incorporate Christmas on the day.

      1. That is culture specific for Catholics. Not universal at all!!!!

        1. Not true– I’m Episcopalian, and culturally many Latinos celebrate as well, regardless of whether they’re evangelical, Roman Catholic, etc.

        4. It is definitely not just Catholics who celebrate 12 days of Christmas beginning on December 25. I’m Jewish and even I know that, lol.

    14. I get feeling sad and wanting to see your kid on the actual Christmas Day, but as one of “those” DILs, I appreciate when family members don’t get possessive about celebrating on the actual holiday date.

      I have a MIL is obsessed with precisely time-sharing every holiday and is still upset (after 18 years) that we generally don’t travel to her on Christmas Day. Being flexible about when to see each other at which holiday would have gone a long way towards improving our relationship. It was especially stressful when we had small kids, but my in-laws have been retired for decades and genuinely don’t understand that our (fairly reasonable, middle-class jobs) don’t mean that we can always just take off in the middle of the afternoon before a holiday weekend. My in-laws live 1.5 hours away and we see them rarely and almost never in a casual way because of the way my MIL behaves. She would also probably disown us if we ever spent part of the winter holiday with her ex-husband and his wife (they live in freaking VT and I love skiing and would spend the whole time swanning about in my White Christmas-obsessed glory so it feels like a real sacrifice).

      1. Thank you, 11:39. I am not sad at all that we won’t have Christmas day together. He is a grown man and should be skiiing and having fun in his 20s. My comment about being a boy mom was that I didn’t want to see overly clingly but I do want a crumb. We live in the same county with my parents and my inlaws and my inlaws behaved as if we didn’t have a family. Every other year, my mom would go to dinner with her husband and my brother to a restaurant while I spent time with inlaws. The next year, I’d make at turkey at my mom’s house for them and DH and son. The inlaws acted like they were being killed every year that wasn’t theres. We would alternate Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas day dinner with my mom being the flexible one. My post was because I 100 % don’t want to be that MIL and needed to get my petty feelings out.

        1. I’m glad you got clarification on the grad school and visitor. But I think you still need to shift your approach. It sounds like you made a lot of unfair assumptions when it turns out your son just didn’t share the details with you.

          And this is a 24 year old girlfriend. The way she and your son choose to handle holidays now isn’t indicative of how it will work once they’re married. A couple years from now you can express your wish to see both of them in December and jointly figure out a plan that works for everyone. Right now you’re expecting too much of her.

      2. One of my SILs does midnight mass on Christmas Eve with one side of the family, gets an unsafe amount of sleep and then drives 6 hours to celebrate Christmas day with the other side of the family. Don’t do this to your family!

    15. we alternate in our family. for us the issue is around Thanksgiving (we are jewish), but this is DH’s mom big holiday and was a big issue when we first got engaged. My in-laws basically celebrate with immediate family and some family friends (who actually no longer come). For my family, we already had an alternating thing where one year we celebrated with my mom’s extended family and one year my dad’s. As we celebrate Jewish holidays with my dad’s family, we opted to make the Thanksgiving years with my family the ones with my mom’s side of the family. My MIL was initially soooo upset by this whole thing, even after I tried explaining that one of the only times I see my cousins (bc we all live all over) is every other year at Thanksgiving. Fortunately for my BIL and his fiancée, DH and I had to deal with all of this drama 15+ years ago so my MIL is much calmer now about his engagement. When we got engaged, she definitely acted like she was losing a son.

      2. Aligning the alternating holidays across every couple is so hard. Now that my generation are married it’s impossible to make everyone happy. Like a recent poster I have pushy older relatives complaining that we don’t follow the same holiday pattern as their kids. I refuse to feel guilty about it and hope those women accept the new normal soon.

      3. My first reaction to this thread was “so glad to be Jewish” but it does make Thanksgiving higher stakes. My family also does not really celebrate any Jewish holidays and DH’s mom’s family’s big Passover gathering fell apart post-Covid so really all anywhere cares about now is Thanksgiving. Since having kids we’ve basically not traveled and anyone who wants to come to us can.

        1. Ha! I was thinking something similar! I am not Jewish but married into a reformed Jewish family. They don’t celebrate Christmas, so I do that at our home (I am responsible for all X-mas related stuff including the tree, etc.) and we celebrate Hanukkah at their home on a different day. Works out great. My MIL demands that Thanksgiving be at her house which we have agreed to, and we invite my parents. It has worked out for the past 25 years. My dad, 93, still makes the trip for Tday and enjoys it!

  3. I’ve worn earrings and a watch everyday of my adult life, but I all of a sudden feel compelled to add a necklace to the mix. I don’t know what looks current, or what type of style is going to remain classic for a few years of daily wear. Any recommendations? The Tiffany ‘1837 Interlocking Circle Link Necklace’ (retired, so second-hand only) speaks to me because my style is generally not too “delicate”. Is this a good option or could someone help or inspire me:)?!

    2. Is current your thing? I wear mostly vintage/antique. I figure if it’s 50-100 years old and works with my outfits, it’s still standing the test of time.

      1. I don’t need something ultra current! I’m into a piece of any age that doesn’t scream “woah, retro in a bad way!”

        1. I think it’s kind of sad how worried women on this page are about looking dated. Trust your own taste. Does it really matter if a couple fashion-oriented people think something looks dated? Unless it’s an extreme example, most people aren’t judging you harshly. You clearly put effort and thought into your appearance. That’s enough.

          1. I’m not worried about it:). It’s just a big purchase and I am interested in options.

          2. This is fair–I’ve always disliked David Yurman pieces and consider them dated, except I don’t think that they are and I’m just biased against them. And some retro pieces are of their time and only their time, but some are kind of cool and I like seeing them. A person’s style can carry an old piece of jewelry more than the piece itself can.

  4. I’m a federal employee who is going through it right now. We’re expecting to hear that they’re cutting 50% of our staff.

    Any tips on emotional eating? This past spring I gained about 10 lbs from the depression and its impacts (not enough energy to cook, emotional eating, less working out). I feel pretty confident in my ability to keep up the working out this go round, but this spring I either didn’t eat or I only ate carby, cheesy, ultra processed emotional support food.

    Try as I might, salmon and broccoli just don’t fix the fear, anxiety, stress, and overwhelming sadness the way that pizza does…

    FWIW, I am doing my best to take care of myself: Regular talk therapy + SSRIs + doing my best to manage self care + engaging in things I enjoy.

    1. I would expect Wellbutrin to help more with this particular challenge than SSRIs, and I think it’s sometimes used as an add-on to SSRIs in this scenario. I am not a psychiatrist, but I think the comfort of food is usually more of a dopamine thing so that is why it can be a clue?

      If your PCP hasn’t checked your A1C in this time frame, it’s another thing you could follow up on just in case.

    2. Good luck–thinking of people like you. So this is expensive, so not necessarily in the mood of cost cutting, but a nice steak and potatoes. These things are good for you, ticks the boxes of fats, salt, protein, and also feels emotionally good to eat.

    3. I love Sohla El-Waylly’s recipe for fun dip on Food52, which is ground nuts+nutrional yeast+seasonings. You can make lots of variations with your own spice mixes, or just use your favorite pre-made spice mix (the TJ everything but the elote is a go-to for me). During covid, this was how I happily ate vegetables and fruit everyday.
      Sending good thoughts for what will be a hard few days – take care of yourself!

    4. It helps me to set limits or times on the treats — for example, I can only have unhealthy snacks in the afternoon and not after dinner (plus I sleep better without sugar before bed). If I want candy after that I have to wait for tomorrow. Or I’m going to have pizza for lunch on Friday but it’s salads until then. I guess it’s establishing a few arbitrary rules but it helps keep things to a more manageable level. Somehow having a future treat in the works still helps with the stress and it’s easier to deny yourself in the moment (when you just have a short wait and can look forward to it).

      Also try to make yourself eat regularly even if it’s just a few bites of something healthy. It keeps you from overeating or making bad choices later. For me, I try to eat more breakfasts as it’s usually what I’d skip and that does definitely make me hungry later in the day. Even if it’s just a few bites at one mealtime, it helps.

    5. I’m sorry–you’re going through a lot. I think this is a problem to bring to your therapist and the doctor prescribing the SSRIs. You’re doing the right things, but they may need to adjust your treatment.

      Until you can meet with your doc and therapist, I find increasing my exercise helpful for this kind of thing.

    6. Chew a sugarless gum when you are anxious instead of eating. Or drink a seltzer with a flavor you really enjoy. Cut yourself some slack too. It’s hard to avoid being affected by such intense stress.

    7. Unconventional answer – potatoes five different ways in a month. Joking aside, your body is craving carbs when you are stressed, so focus on giving it better carbs instead of cutting the carbs. Switch out ultra processed carbs for carbs that you cook yourself.

      1. I land here. Potatoes are good for you in their own way. Load it with butter and sour cream, again, superfoods in their own way, and it will limit the cravings you have for less optimal fats and carbs.

    8. I’m so sorry for you right now. I can imagine so many things feel out of your control right now, including emotional eating. I’m an emotional eater, and I think it’s my body’s way of seeking comfort, but my brain wants to exert maximum control to soothe itself from the fear/anxiety/stress of an external situation that’s outside its control. My brain can’t exercise sufficient control over my body though, so I eat the food, and now I feel more out of control. I feel set up to fail! Hard exercise is a good antidote to cravings for me. The other is acknowledging that my body needs comfort and my brain doesn’t need to over control the situation. So maybe I eat some salad before the pizza, or I buy the mini portioned ice cream, or I eat some raw broccoli before the Christmas cookie. Then I feel like I’m also offering my body nourishing food, not just comfort food, and my brain is satisfied it still has some control over itself.

    9. Lean into easy comfort foods like Greek yogurt and fruit, peanut butter and a banana, oatmeal, butter-free popcorn, whole wheat toast. Intentionally include protein at your meals so you feel fuller. And sometimes what you really need other than carbs is a nap and rest, or deep breathes (when possible).

      1. Yes to the popcorn especially. Get the plain stuff and add your own butter and salt, that way you get the real stuff and not the fake stuff.

    11. I went through a lot of emotional eating in 2025, and after gaining 40 pounds, resolved it by getting on tirzepatide (Zepbound/Mounjaro). Food noise instantly stops, it’s amazing.

      To deal with the actual stress, I use the Calm app, and make the most out my ERP which offers in person and telehealth. After sitting down with the retirement specialist in HR, I decided to keep my aggressive retirement saving, but also checked in with all the financial stuff as well. Not perfect, but sitting around stressing out about stressing out was making things a lot worse.

      Good luck OP

    12. Soup often fills the cozy-comforting-feeling-but-also-nourishing sweet spot for me, especially in the winter. Plus you can make a bunch and freeze it; and have a very easy go-to dinner.

      Here are some of my fast go-tos
      Sausage + bagged spinach/kale + potatoes + stock & milk
      “Fancy Ramen” ie ramen noodles from the packet, a shake of frozen corn/random bits of whatever other vegetable is around, and then stick an egg on top and let it soft boil itself
      Quick cook farro or oatmeal (or barley, but it takes longer to cook) plus all the scraps of leftover vegetable from anything, plus a can of canned beans
      Posole: For when pork shoulder is on sale. easiest version is basically a mix of dried peppers + pile of meat + garlic + onion; instant pot or slow cooker it, then blend up the dried peppers plus cooking liquid, then dump the meat it with a can of canned hominy.
      Canned tomato soup with pasta + chickpeas
      Serious eats low country stew: https://www.seriouseats.com/lowcountry-stew-chicken-5216238

      Get thyself a jar of decent quality, lower sodium instant bouillion or a crate of premade stock.

      If the leftovers soak up too much of the broth, I pour some whole milk on top, add a scoop of bouillion, and call it “cream of leftovers”.

    13. I try to calorie limit other foods so that treats don’t blow things out of proportion. I do this by using a meal delivery service and keeping my calorie intake to about 1200/1300 calories. Then pick a treat. My struggle is don’t have a glass of wine and dessert every single day plus snacks. The meal delivery saves me from the I don’t feel like cooking let’s order takeout struggle.

  5. We did Adopt A Family for a local family this holiday season. The 13 year old boy needs “winter gloves, adult small” and winter boots in a men’s size.

    I’m definitely over thinking this but what would you get? Adult small glove sizes are hard to find. Most seem to be sized “M/L” and “L/XL”. I want to get a decent pair. I have most major retailers near me, including Kohls which seems to have some good deals. I also have time to order online from Amaz on, etc. Also would you get ski/snow gloves or is insulated and water proof sufficient? We’re in greater Boston so it gets cold and snowy.

    1. I would do M-L for the gloves, they grow fast at that age. Get 2 pairs of gloves, one thin/touchscreen and then one waterproof.

      1. This, and maybe toss in a pack of generic stretch gloves. My family wears those as liners inside thicker ski-like gloves and mittens for a little extra warmth.

      2. As a mom of a pre-teen in the 1st percentile club, if someone is asking for adult size small please believe them.

  6. I’ve used Citizens Access for my HYSA for several years now but they just lowered the interest rate to 3.15 and I’m wondering if its worth it to move my savings elsewhere. I know others have rates that are only slightly higher (3.75-4.20) so I’m not sure its worth the trouble? I only have about 35K there and don’t plan to put more in soon. Thoughts?

    1. You’ve already identified locations with higher rates. How much time would it take to open up an account and put in a transfer request, and how much money would you need to be paid (via interest) to make doing that worthwhile to you?

    2. Unless you some reason believe you will need all the funds soon, I would look into investing the funds. Either at your current bank or a new place.

  7. I feel silly saying this, but I have gotten into a bad habit of responding to everything as quickly as I can (both personal/work emails and phone calls or texts). It is absolutely wrecking my anxiety and not necessarily strategically helping my career (lawyer at a boutique firm and hoping to become a partner in the near future). I really need to step back and learn to prioritize the urgent matters and let the non-urgent matters wait. Any tips on how to be better about this?

    1. I read Up Time and thought the author’s email management system sounded really smart in an email heavy job. I delay send to avoid getting a reputation of replying too quickly / avoid a rapid-fire back and forth. So tomorrow morning, I have 10 emails scheduled to go out at 8:16am.

    2. For the email, you could set up a sending delay on your outbox. I have a 2 or 3 minute delay on mine, as I often want to go back and fix a typo or otherwise edit emails after I click send for some reason. And I can never remember how to override it when I need to send something immediately, so it is effective! Maybe that would help curb the habit?

    3. Good on you for recognizing it! There are a few people on my team who treat emails like grenades they have to fall on and I don’t really think it sends as good an image as everyone believes. The balance between ‘very responsive’ and ‘careful reply’ is delicate!

  8. Dumb question – I am hosting a small holiday party this weekend with my girlfriends. I’m relatively new to hosting. I have my meal decided, and it includes Caesar salad. For the romaine/lettuce, should I just buy a few bags of pre-chopped and throw it in a big bowl and toss? Or should I actually buy romaine/lettuce hearts/heads and chop them up myself? Does it matter? There will be 8 of us.

    1. A year ago I would say buy cut up but food inspections are down and I would cut my own right now.

      1. Curious: why do inspections matter more for chopped than not-chopped? Isn’t it problematic that not-chopped stuff isn’t being inspected too? Or is it the additional potential contamination from the chopping process?

        1. It’s the last thing, one more step of processing that introduces contamination risk.

          Unfortunately inadequate healthcare and inadequate sanitation facilities for workers are a risk factor.

        2. If one full head of lettuce is contaminated and you buy it, your household gets sick.

          If that head of lettuce is chopped up, and is now in 100 different bags and also on the cutting tool at the packaging plant, 100 or more families are getting sick (especially for foods you eat raw). I mean, statistically you’re going to be fine with pre cut lettuce. But since she was asking, that’s my recommendation.

    3. Just flagging (if relevant, of course ignore if not) that if any of your friends are vegetarian, Caesar dressing is not vegetarian-friendly. A lot of people are surprised to learn this.

      1. Many dressings are not; however, Brianna’s and Trader Joe’s make vegetarian Caesar dressings.

    4. Prechopped for sure unless you just really like doing that yourself and don’t have anything else to fill your time.

    5. It depends on how picky you are about greens. I’m very picky. That said, the stuff at whole foods in the organic aisle usually looks like he ck, so I get the pre-washed whole romaine in the pre-packaged section and then cut it up.

    6. Normally I’m very much a precut person, but I heard recently that precut romaine is uniquely risky for food poisoning, and we all know bagged salad in general is risky for that. I’d probably still do it but buy the freshest possible.

      1. Wow! We did NOT all know that bagged salad is generally riskier for food poisoning! It’s intuitive now that you say it, but it hadn’t occurred to me.

    7. I would chop it myself because chopping lettuce is so ridiculously easy, and romaine often comes prewashed, even when it is in whole head form. Washing is the annoying step, in my opinion. And this way you can pull out any leaves that are bad or wilted.

    8. For Caesar salad, buy Romaine hearts and chop it yourself (I use scissors or a knife, and it’s easy). (Pre-chopped doesn’t go as far, contains more outer leaves vs. hearts, and is sometimes a bit bitter.)

    10. DIY chopping. The bagged salads are never as crisp and good as one that’s freshly chopped.

    11. I leave dressing on the side. Somehow I always find a million things that need doing in the last ~30 minutes before guests arrive, I don’t need to add tossing the salad to the list of last minute chores.

    12. i am team bagged salads. but maybe bc this is the stage of life i’m at and we all have small kids and need shortcuts. i think you should do whatever stresses you out less as a hostess

    13. I have now twice gotten food poisoning from pre-chopped fruits/veggies. I’m on team wash thoroughly and chop yourself.

      2. It’s a “don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good”. I buy bagged prewashed spinach/kale/salads. I understand there’s an elevated contamination risk but I figure it’s worth it because a) I am percentage-wise very unlikely to die from food poisoning (not saying it wouldn’t suck, but fixable levels of suck) and b) I don’t have unlimited time and money and c) vegetables are good for me and my body.

        It’s a tradeoff like literally everything else in life.

  9. I’m thinking about how rapidly the “eye” changes–maybe especially for pants styles. I bought two pairs of Aritzia Agency pants in ~2023. I got one pair in lined wool and one in a poly blend. https://www.aritzia.com/us/en/product/agency-pant/122795.html?color=33458

    I see the style is still advertised as wide-leg. When I bought them, I thought they were! I’m wearing a pair today, and I’m surprised to find that I now think they’re a moderate to fairly narrow straight leg.

    1. I bought some pants sold as straight leg, that are supposedly early 200s style – in the early 2000s we would have thought those were mom jeans, impossibly high waisted and too wide.

  10. I want to deep-clean my house, but I’m not really sure how? Specifically, I’m thinking going around and wiping the dust off all baseboards and going over the fronts of all cabinets and all doors to wipe off smudges/dust/dirt. How does one… do this? All-purpose spray and a million paper towels? A bucket of soapy water and, what, a rag? I’ve never done this or seen my parent do it, and I’m 40 years old. Help!

      1. Say more…is this a reddit group? Instagram? Am on the hunt for a house cleaning system to follow and am intrigued.

        1. Apparently there’s a website and a book now! There may be reddit and discord groups.

          I think it’s a YMMV thing, but some people swear by it.

    2. In my experience you start with a small space, get in deep (with spray and a million paper towels to start, and if that isnt’ cutting it, then yes, soapy water and a sponge) and see where it goes from there. I need to do this in my bathroom and really don’t want to.

    3. Warm water with a hint of dishsoap (like, a drop or two in a bucket, not enough to make any meaningful suds), a rag, and some good music.

      I tend to focus on one room a month for deep cleaning. One weekend is general tidying up, putting away, organizing that room. The next is washing the curtains and windows. The third is dusting all the furniture, light fixtures, corner cobwebs, and then vacuuming (including any upholstered furniture). The fourth is wiping down the baseboards, walls, light switches, etc.

      1. Ugh, this is reminding me I need to wash my guest room bedding/pillows and vacuum the mattress this weekend ahead of our holiday guests.

    4. I’d check out The Fly Lady or unf*ck your habitat. But generally you dust from highest to lowest point (window sills, dressers, desks, cabinets, then baseboards). Dusting is not polishing. For dusting only I use swiffer dust cloths or microfiber cloths. For polishing it depends on the material – a damp microfiber will work on cabinets/appliances but for metal you want stainless steel spray (oily), there are special polishes for different metals and woods. Swiffer duster and/or a microfiber cloth that’s barely damp will work. Vacuum afterwards.

    5. I find it easier to put an old slightly damp sock on my foot to do baseboards. Bending down is harder with a back problem. This is a once a year job for me at most though 😖

    6. I recommend dusting before cleaning. Use a swiffer feather duster on all the surfaces, then plain old dish soap and a dish rag. I’d start on a high visibility area where it will make a noticeable and pleasing difference (like cabinets), which is quite motivating when you’re turning to the less noticeable areas (like baseboards or fan blades).

      I’m not a huge fan of all-purpose spray and paper towels for deep cleaning surfaces that are dirty from food and hands (i.e., oils). A paper towel often just smudges stuff around and takes a bunch of wipes. A wet rag will pull it off the surface better and the dish soap will cut the grease so it won’t just smudge.

      Anything is better than nothing, though, so maybe just start?

    9. For woodworking and wood cabinets, Murphy’s Oil Soap in water. If the cabinets are those plastic ones, use all-purpose cleaning spray.

    10. I own the book Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House– parts of it are a bit outdated, but I find it weirdly comforting to have someone tell me the “right” way to clean (e.g., she tells you to air your bed out before making it every morning, wash your sheets weekly, and how to do hospital corners).

      It’s incredibly long and detailed so there’s no way you’ll read it straight through and if you did everything she recommends you’d never have time to do anything but clean, but it’s a great reference book.

      2. I actually just bought a used copy of this and I love it! My mom [still] hates cleaning so I felt like I never learned how to do it correctly and effectively, so this book is really helping me out. Agree with the outdated parts but I gotta say, it’s super amusing to read through them and consider how much the household has changed since the book came out in 1999 (? I think that the copyright date on my copy anyways).

  11. For those of us that don’t live locally, I’m curious – how many holiday celebrations/trips are you doing?
    We’re about 2-3 hours from both sets of family and our kids are teenagers so we are doing more travel now then when they were younger. We have two 2-night trips (one before Christmas, one after) and are hosting family twice for an overnight visit. When my kids were small we would host but only did one trip (and cancelled many years due to winter illness). Based on my colleagues/friends this is about normal for those who aren’t still in their hometowns.

    1. Pretty much everyone I know either has local family or family a plane flight away, so more than 1 trip over winter break is not practical.

      1. Same. Our and most of our friends have families that are a 2-3 hour plane ride away. And normally the two sides of the family are in different states, so trips can’t be combined.

    2. Elder millennial, DH and I don’t have kids and both live about 7 hours drive from our respective parents (who are in opposite directions). One sibling each, neither of whom has kids yet. We stayed home for Thanksgiving (this varies–some years we go together to one parents’, some years we split and go to our respective parents, some years we stay home. On the years we stay home, I volunteer to host and anyone is welcome to come to us. No one ever has.). For Christmas, we each go to our own parents’ house. This means we’ve never spent actual Christmas together in our 20+ years together, but neither of us are a “must celebrate on the day” type, so it’s fine. If we had small kids, I think I would probably insist on staying home and parents are welcome to come to us if they wanted. Once DH gets to his parents’ house, he then drives another 2 hours the next day for his extended family’s Christmas celebration, then drives back the next day for his immediate family christmas in his hometown. Holiday travel is a lot.

    3. We see one set at TG and one set at Christmas, in general alternating who’s the host vs. the traveler. We never try to do both families for one holiday, which would be exhausting. (To the earlier thread, we exchange gifts by mail for the family we don’t see at Christmas.)

    4. Elder millennial DINKs. Most of the holidays is spent with chosen family in our city. We are three hours away from both sides of our family who all live in the same not-as-small-as-it-used-to-be town. We are making one tactical strike to that town for 72 hours centered on Christmas.

      1. Your phrasing made me laugh! Similar situation, but recently DH’s parents moved to be closer to his sibling and they’re more logistically difficult to get to. The past few years we go for extended periods at a third location not around the holidays after a few years of weather related delays/cancellations and other logistic/family drama issues.

    5. I’m the parent in this scenario. My daughter came down for Thanksgiving (2.5 hour flight, I paid) and although we have gone to her for the past several Christmases, this year everybody is staying put and we are getting together in a third location in January. Very happy about that!

    6. we are jewish, so dont need to worry about christmas. now that we are flying distance away we alternate for thanksgiving. Growing up, we were driving distance, but still alternated for Thanksgiving. for jewish holidays growing up, since Rosh Hashanah is two days and Passover is two days (for us) and we arent super religious (like would drive on Holidays), we used to do one day in CT (with my mom’s side of the family) and another day in Philly with my dad’s side (even though we lived in MD…so we’d drive from MD to CT, sleepover, celebrate Rosh Hashanah, drive to Brooklyn, sleepover, celebrate Rosh Hashanah and drive back to MD). originally we lived in NYC though and the holidays were in Brooklyn, NY or White Plains, NY, so still not around the corner, but not as far. As a kid i thought it was fun. now that i’m a parent, i think this is a bit much. We no longer travel for all of the jewish holidays bc it is too far. We do travel for a big family Passover with my side of the family bc while DH’s family is Jewish as well, he doesn’t have much in the way of extended family relationships. If we could drive only 2-3 hours to each set, I’m sure we’d do it differently.

    7. Another pair of elder millennial DINKS. We live two time zones away from most family and almost never travel for Thanksgiving – too stressful. We visited my SIL this year and getting home was a mess. We’ve flown out for Christmas the last two years and will again this year, but only because it coincided with milestone birthdays. I think we’ll take a break next year.

  12. For those of you who wear an Apple watch to track your sleep, when do you charge your watch?

    1. When I’m in the shower and/or when I’m sitting an my office desk for an hour or two. Also, my charge lasts very differently depending on my location. At home in my urban area, my watch lasts almost two entire days on a single charge. I notice that when I’m visiting my in-laws in a ex-urban location, my watch dies in less than a day. I suppose it has to do with seeking cell phone coverage and wi-fi connection.

    2. I wear a Fitbit Charge to track sleep, same thing – I charge it while I’m sitting at my desk at work, so I don’t miss any steps being counted. :)

    3. After dinner, before bedtime. My battery life is terrible. I get my steps first thing in the morning so my rings are all closed by then.

  13. This was discussed a few days ago and piqued my interest. Talk to me about lash tinting. I’m blonde, fair skinned, and I have under eye circles. In my ideal world, I would not wear any makeup except mascara, which helps my eyes look brighter and less tired. What’s the maintenance cost? How do you pick a quality salon?

    1. I commented before, but it’s very low impact on me. I’m blonde and have good lashes but dye does not bulk them up at all like mascara does so it’s like wearing pre-teen mascara and I found I still needed regular eye makeup if I wanted to look at all refreshed. It also wrecks your eyelashes and weakens them so you can’t get extensions for months after you dye them. Just not worth it at all IMHO. I am a big fan of extensions- there are a lot of options, I get short fans, which add a lot of volume and look like I’m wearing the best mascara, and not like I’m an extra from the real housewives. They also can be hard on lashes over time, so I just do them for special occasions.

    2. I just have my aesthetician do it, so I didn’t have to search for a salon. Tinting alone wakes me up a lot. It would be nice if they’d come out with some kind of lash dyeing mascara as a compromise option!

    3. I do it myself. It is not difficult and takes less than half hour from start to taking a shower to be sure any traces are removed.

  14. I just noticed I have a rash on my trunk and back that seems to have come out of nowhere. Obviously going to call the doctor (this isn’t common for me) but what on earth causes this in adults? I’ve been sick with a cold lately and have a baby in daycare but still, he doesn’t have this.

    1. When this happened to me… it was shingles. I was 24. Definitely get it checked out by a doctor.

    2. is the rash right at your midline (front and back)? Could be shingles – google the photos to see if it might be. If it is, call your doctor RIGHT AWAY as there are antivirals that can really shorten the effects.

    3. is the rash along your midline (front and back)? Could be shingles – if it is call your doctor RIGHT AWAY. There are antivirals that could help shorten the effects and prevent permanent damage, but they have to be started within 48 hours after the rash emerges.

      1. It looks nothing like pictures of shingles, thank Christ, but I’m gonna call just to be safe.

    4. Sometimes this happens as a symptom of your body fighting an infection. It started happening to me for the first time last year. Not a fan. My doctor didn’t have much advice.

    5. I hate to say it but HFM can easily cause this in adults while the babies/toddler just have a lowgrade fever.

      1. Yeah, I would guess it is some kind of virus the baby picked up that isn’t bothering the baby enough for you to notice. Viruses can cause all kinds of weird symptoms. And I didn’t realize my baby had HFM until I started getting sores on my gums – IIRC, he had cold symptoms, but that was true basically all winter when he was young and in daycare, and no rashes or obvious sores.

    6. Until I had a baby, I was unaware of the post-viral rash. It’s common in kids to get a rash all over their bodies after a virus like a cold, and it has happened to me and DH a few times after getting over a string of cold viruses from our kids. For me, it usually isn’t itchy or particularly uncomfortable the way an allergy rash is. I just wait for it to go away and do nothing about it.

      1. Ok, interesting. I’ve had a cold for several weeks and this is the first day of having a rash. I bet that’s what it is.

        1. I had a non-itchy rash a few years ago that was apparently reactivation of some childhood virus. Roseola, maybe? The defining characteristic was that it occurred in a t-shirt pattern – like, it popped up on areas normally covered by a short sleeve t-shirt.

    7. Yep. Just got a shingles dx this weekend (second time). If it’s on one side of your body (typically) and following the dermatomes, it’s likely shingles and you want to get into the doctor ASAP today to get Valtrex – you ideally want to start it within 72 hours of seeing the rash to slow down progression and lower the risk of post-herpetic neuralgia. PHN is long-term absolutely debilitating pain, so don’t delay, and tell the derm you think it’s shingles – you should get in that day.

    8. When I had a rash on my trunk that came out of nowhere and some viral symptoms it was pityriasis rosea. I did go see a doctor but it eventually went away on its own.

      2. I had this also, probably 20 years ago now. I ended up going to a tanning salon on the advice of my doctor and it finally cleared up from the UV light.

      3. This! I got it after playing water polo in the Naval Academy historical pool (the old one). And it was the middle of summer, so I had to wear turtlenecks for weeks in NYC, which was just weird. UGH.

  15. Tomorrow, the HR director and I (shareholder attorney) are meeting with one of our paralegals to terminate her, effective immediately. I am in an at will, no cause necessary jurisdiction. I would appreciate any tips for a script. So far, I plan to say something along the lines of “We appreciate your contributions to the firm over the last several years. Unfortunately, we are terminating your employment today. This is effective immediately, and our decision is final. [HR Director] will now go over your severance package with you. I wish you the best of luck in the future.” I do plan to stay in the remainder of the meeting but stick to my script and avoid saying too much.

        1. If this is run of the mill performance issues, I’d strongly encourage you to wait until first week of January. First is health insurance – if you fire her early in the month most plans still cover for the month. She will have no shot of job searching or getting a job for the rest of the year. It’s really really cruel to do it now, unless she has done something very egregious like hit someone, etc .

          Have HR give you talking points, but usually it’s something like: Jessica, thanks for coming. This is a difficult conversation to have, but we have to end your employment with ABC, effective today. As we have discussed, you’ve been unable to xyz.

          1. Yes this is a much better script than what OP said. It’s basically saying the same thing but in a much gentler way.

    2. Fascinating. It sounds like it isn’t for cause because of the severance package. Im sorry you are in this position, and sorrier for the employee!

    3. I would think through answers to questions she might have, like “Why am I being terminated?”

    4. Is it for-cause or a layoff? Even in at-will, you’ll tank your reputation if you lay people off this way. If it’s for-cause, presumably you all have had performance management conversations leading up to this, and this isn’t a surprise.

        1. Was there a particular incident recently? If not, has she been getting consistenly poor performance reviews? I am sure her reaction will be different if this is a total surprise, in which case, I think you have to be ready to answer some questions from her.

          Either way, isn’t it a bit unusual to get a severanace package when there is a for-cause termination?

        2. Since for cause, your script is confusing. Why are you thanking her for her contributions while firing her? Please ask your HR team what script you should use here, because this one doesn’t really make sense.

          2. Assuming for cause here means poor performance vs hugely egregious conduct, I think you can still treat the employee politely and thank them for what they have done, even if it wasn’t enough to stay in the job. Just to give them that dignity.

          3. Yeah if you’re letting someone go for not being great at their job, it’s still standard and polite to be professional and thank them for their years of service. Obviously a different story if they’re being fired for sexual harassment or something, but “for cause” includes things like just not being very good at their job, so I wouldn’t assume they’ve done something Truly Horrible.

      3. Yeah, if it’s a layoff, I think the script needs to make that clear – “Your position has been eliminated” vs “We are terminating your employment”; and I’d be explicit about being able to give a good reference, assuming that’s true.

    5. Is this for cause or a layoff? If it’s the latter, please let her know that your firm is willing to give a recommendation for her to a potential new employer.

      I understand why the layoff is effective immediately; however, if she has personal files on her computer, she may appreciate the opportunity to get them off.

    6. Please talk with your HR Director before this meeting and ask them for tips on a script.

      1. Yes, + 1000. It is your HR’s job to walk you through this important conversation with legal implications; go sit down with her and ask her what to say, and take literally no one’s advice here except ours, they don’t know all the facts and most of them don’t know anything about HR.

    7. Is the employer going to object if she files an unemployment claim? if so, you should tell her briefly what the reason for her termination is. For example, if it’s because she’s late all the time, tell her that. that way if she files an unemployment claim, she cannot say that she was not told why she was terminated. However, this may be different state by state so take a look through the UI rules in your jurisdiction. The department of labor should have this info on their website.

      1. Yeah, if it’s for cause you need to tell her the cause. This sounds like it’s shaping up to be a big ol’ unemployment claim battle.

        1. Or if your firm has decided not to fight unemployment, just tell her that explicitly (and sometimes, that is the right way to go – especially if it’s something like “just isn’t good at the job” rather than “embezzling” – they might reasonably win an unemployment challenge anyway, it may not be worth the time and money to fight the claim, you get to err on the side of graciousness in a tough period for the employee and preserve your reputation as a decent employer. If you’re paying severance to smooth things over, not challenging unemployment would be a natural thing to pair with that). But yeah, talk with your HR person ahead of time.

    8. This script is full of mixed messages and missing important information. If it’s for cause, then you need to tell her what the cause is, which shouldn’t be a surprise and should be addressed according to policy. Also, saying “unfortunately” implies that termination is not the appropriate action. I also agree that unless the conduct is egregious, I would wait until after Christmas.

  16. Just a vent but any novel advice welcome: I’m actually crashing out as the kids say. I hate this time of year. Every day is pure anxiety and terror.

    I’m eating well. I’m exercising. I tried to scale back. I doubled down on child care. Literally I’m at the point where last year my sweet 8 year old was disappointed with the lack of gifts because I didn’t go all out. I don’t see an entire side of my family and it makes me sad but I just can’t host more than one day. Im not a perfectionist. It’s downsized to the point of borderline unacceptable to those I love the most and it’s still all way too much.

    I’m outsourcing. My husband helps. Im throwing money at things. I’m trying to scale back expectations and stay positive and truly I’m crying from overwhelm on the daily.

    I make the lists. I stick to the lists. I try to be kind to myself and really I just feel so overwhelmed I don’t even think I’m breathing correctly. How is everyone else doing all this?

    1. Wow, I’m sorry. I just do what feels good and fun and it’s really just a mindset. I don’t see any of the holiday things as stressful obligations, they’re stuff I enjoy doing. Sounds like maybe there’s some underlying depression or anxiety happening for you that would be worth getting to the bottom of.

    2. Fermented food helps w anxiety. Lean into the kimchi and sauerkraut (the real living stuff, not the dead stuff.) good luck!

    3. I am the last person to suggest medication, but if every day provokes “anxiety and terror,” that is not a normal response to holiday extras. I would see a mental health professional. ASAP.

      3. Could be a minor PTSD. I get spun up very easily this time of year due to noise and everyone’s expectations. And then I remind myself that it’s always like this and calm down again.

        1. For years I dreaded the holidays every year after really, really not enjoying them as a child. It’s just a lot of things I don’t enjoy in general in one loud, garish package!

          The best year was when I was in another country, which ironically goes big into Christmas, but the celebrations, decorations, music, etc. were all different. I’d love to do that again one year, but it’s hard to be away from family during a time of family gatherings.

      4. +1 and I say this without judgement, it sounds like you’d benefit from a therapist appointment and a call to your GP to see if you can get on an anti-anxiety med ASAP.
        A few suggestions that I started when I was about to lose my mind:
        I cut out the christmas cards. I do not do an elf on the shelf (we are German, so St. Nicolas is our version which is much easier imho). I only cook ONE big holiday meal – my family picked Christmas Eve. Christmas Day is ‘the feast of make it yourself’ – you can eat whatever you want as long as mom doesn’t make it and there is at least 1 fruit or veggie (pouches count). We do NOT travel on Christmas Day. One type of gift per extended family (all adults get champagne and truffles, all kids older than 13 get a giftcard).

      5. Yeah, this sounds a bit like a panic attack. I ended up in the ER one Christmas season because I thought I couldn’t breathe but it turns out I had been building up to a panic attack due to extreme stress related to work plus the holidays. I took Xanax for a few days to settle and regulate my nervous system, which helped tremendously. Now I can recognize a lot better when I’m getting disregulated and take steps before resorting to xanax.

    4. Friend. Take 3 deep breaths right now. You are worth it and you deserve that sweet sweet oxygen.

      Now – are the people you love most who find your efforts “borderline unacceptable” mostly your 8 year old? It’s developmentally pretty normal for a 7/8 year old to be disappointed sometimes because they didn’t get everything they wanted, or you baked cookies last year and this year they’ve decided that’s an unmovable tradition. Having a small kid be perfectly happy with everything isn’t a reasonable expectation.

      To be totally honest, I’m a big fan of lists, but holiday plans that require lists don’t sound particularly downsized to me. Can you make minimal something like: Buy a few presents for the kid. Buy them from Amazon, today, without any more trying to get it perfect. Call Whole Foods & order catering for whatever hosting day you’re already committed to.

      Then you’re done. Everything else is optional.

    5. The major thing that’s jumping out at me is that you’re so stressed because whatever you’re doing is “borderline unacceptable” to others, and it makes me wonder if you’re overindexed on other people’s expectations. Maybe not–I agree we have obligations to our loved ones, that we should take others’ feelings into account, etc.–but maybe worth exploring with a therapist.

    6. I think it’s okay if kids feel disappointed sometimes. I can’t imagine what enough gifts would look like since it’s always possible to want more?

      I’m also not sure I’m understanding the borderline unacceptable part. Aside from small children, is there someone in your life who wants a lot of Christmas things to happen and isn’t stepping up to make those things happen, such that you’re obliged to? I could not care less about the holidays personally, but my husband enjoys them. I don’t convey a bad attitude about it, and I like to see him happy, but I’m also not volunteering for extra holiday chores if he can put up the tree and actually enjoy doing so because he actually likes decorating the tree, etc.

      I understand trying to make things fun for the kids by doing holiday themed versions of whatever kid activities they’re doing this time of year, but if your life doesn’t allow time for this, that sounds like a bigger issue than just this time of year.

    7. I am in the same boat- I am also deeply overwhelmed this time of year. The other day I took a full day off from anything Christmas related. No Christmas music, no online shopping, no discussing plans or answering group family texts with regard to the holidays. I woke up feeling refreshed the next day. I plan to keep this up 1-2 times a week until the holidays are over!

      1. Yes, this has helped me, too. Otherwise it feels like one long project rather than something joyful.

    8. I’m really sorry. It sounds like you’re not getting nearly enough help, or that other people’s expectations are too high. If they want to get together, maybe they should be the ones hosting! The holidays are just a lot, and I’m afraid I don’t have many suggestions that you haven’t tried.

    9. I always want my kids to have a nice Christmas and to feel excited on Christmas morning. BUT I also buy my kids lots of thing throughout the year and I don’t think that they need to get 20 gifts for Christmas. I ask them for a list of things they want and to order based on what they want the most. I try and get the most asked for item and then a few of the other items. When they were younger we did the formula of a want, a need, something to wear, and something to read. It’s ok if they don’t get everything they want and its good to learn that lesson and how to deal with it early in life lol.

      As for seeing family, can you suggest rotating who hosts each year?

    10. I’m so sorry you are struggling so much. Agree that you should talk to a therapist about this, as it sounds really outside the bounds of normal, and you are clearly suffering.

      How does your 8 year old even know how many gifts you have gotten them yet? My child has no idea because we have not even bought or set up a tree yet, let alone wrap anything and put it under. And he’s fine! We’ll get to it.

      What I am trying to say is, many of us get by by doing a lot less! If adults are disappointed, they are welcome to take on making things happen. If kids are disappointed, that is normal and frankly, somewhat good for them. Life is full of disappointment; it’s helpful to learn to cope with it through low-stakes events. I’m not sure where their expectations are coming from, but if your kids are old enough–and I would say at 8 they probably are–it might be helpful to have a talk with them about how movies and TV give an idealized version of Christmas that no one can live up to. And you could even say, I can’t keep up with trying to do all of this stuff — I’m having a hard time this year. Let them see you setting boundaries to protect your mental health.

    11. Yeah, this is definitely therapy territory.

      Just to give you a sanity check of what the holiday season is like for someone else – we purchased and decorated a Christmas tree the Friday after Thanksgiving. My husband has work parties and extended family parties. He tells me the dates and asks me to arrange childcare for the ones the toddler isn’t invited to. My work does a Christmas lunch during the workday, if they did an evening thing I simply wouldn’t go because I don’t want to. We all go to our church Christmas party. I bought 2 presents for my son, my husband decides on and buys all his own presents and the presents for his side of the family, this year I picked up a sub for Santa kids in lieu of presents for myself and spent a Saturday fixing up an old bike to keep costs down for it. (I specifically requested a teen with more expensive tastes because I feel bad for them.) My extended family decided that we’re only doing one assigned giftee, no other presents at all, my sister gave me a list of gifts she would enjoy and I purchased something from the list. We’ll be driving 2 hours the Sunday before Christmas to have a party with one side of the family. Driving 1 hour to spend Christmas Eve and day with the in laws, they have a spare room for us.
      It’s a lot, but stretched over the course of a month it really isn’t bad. I think if you’re doing a ton more than this you should give yourself permission to do less. If this still seems overwhelming, you don’t have to do all of it. Drop some Christmas parties – I don’t mind them because then I don’t have to make dinner that evening, but you can feel differently.

    12. One of the times I hurt my mother the most was when I was 8 or 9 years old and told her it just didn’t feel like Christmas. It wasn’t about the gifts or anything she had/hadnt done or even could’ve done. It was that I was growing up. It was the first Christmas I didn’t believe in Santa. I didn’t have that bright eyed child like magic anymore.

      There’s nothing she could’ve done to make Christmas feel as magical as it had the year before. And I didn’t mean it as an indictment of her Christmas readiness, though she certainly took it that way. I was lamenting the end of my childhood. I think that’s probably what your child meant.

      1. Oh man, I remember a similar moment with my mom around that age. She was so, so hurt. I cringe remembering it today because now I get it. She had four young kids, money was tight, she was a SAHM with probably not enough support.

    13. I’m a single mom. I have my kids pretty much full time. This time of year is tough.

      First, you do what you can with what you’ve got. For me that’s a tight budget. Gifts are $125 each child and I buy myself something nice. One expensive outing. This year was skating. I got myself a new yoga mat.

      I plan each weekend in advance. This coming weekend is doctor appointments on Saturday, Christmas movie and hot chocolate in the PM. Sunday is church where they have the Christmas performance. We are doing the tree for the gingerbread house in the PM.

      Next weekend is baking cookies and prepping for holiday food for the shelter who give struggling families dinner they just need to microwave. Over the 10 day school break I have one thing planned for each day they have off.

      I just don’t stress about it. My daughter had a meltdown on Christmas Day last year and declared it was grinchmas not Christmas. Meh! You can’t win them all.

      Truthfully it’s a very difficult time for my children. Their father has abandoned them. It’s a tough time of year so I try to keep them busy and avoid hallmark movies at all costs. To keep my sanity my bedtime is 10pm no matter what.

  17. I think my last comment got eaten but just how, how, how do you all get through this time of year? It’s so awful. My to do list is miles long everything is way too hard: I haven’t had a day without tears since December started.

    Things I’m doing without any relief: vigorous exercise daily, eating well, abstaining from alcohol, planning ahead, Scaling wayyy back, to the point of disappointing my sweet children and elderly family members, outsourcing, leaning on my husband and trying to be kind. I cried at pre k pickup yesterday. I hate this feeling so much and it happens every single year. How is everyone handling all this pressure?

    1. I responded above, but I’m really curious what pressure you’re feeling and where it’s coming from. I think that might help folks advise.

    3. It’s a slog, but I power through. And sometimes you do disappoint people–just acknowledge that their feelings are real. Make sure you’re feeding yourself real food (like the baked potatoes up the thread!) and giving yourself some festive treats (apple cider, hot chocolate, whatever this means to you.)

      And maybe this isn’t the time of year for vigorous exercise. I give myself October-March off of the gym, because I hate it.

    4. I replied above, but adding here: it sounds like you’re feeling pressure and scared to disappoint people. This year, let the adults be disappointed! They are adults and they can own their own feelings. Their mild disappointment about Christmas should not cost your sanity. You do not owe them your well-being to prevent disappointment. And some level of disappointment is okay for kids – it’s a gift in its own way to help them build resilience, appreciate simplicity, and learn that mom is a person with feelings and limits. Better a scaled back Christmas that disappoints than an over wrought Christmas with a memory of a sobbing, strung out mom every day for a month.

      1. My therapist gently suggested that I match energy last year for the adults and it was a total game changer. My mom/MIL give me terrible gifts every year. So no more killing myself over their presents, they get something generic within my budget and I call it a day. My mom wants to ‘host’ at her home but have me/my SIL show up early and do all the cooking? Nope, that won’t be happening. Young adult nieces and nephews never send a thank you text or express appreciation for gifts? They all get gift cards with half of what I used to spend on them as kids.

        1. I also reduced my energy level and budget for gifts where I never got a thank you of any kind and it does help. I still want to give something but it’s not going to be a really expensive and highly desired thing.

        2. Yes! And also? Some years ago I realized that everything related to the holidays (everything for the adults and a surprising amount for the kids) is optional. Seriously. Do what you can/what brings you joy, and let the rest go. If it’s super important to somebody else, they will pick up the slack.

      2. I guess thats it. I just can’t imagine doing less or doing more. His dad and I talk every day about gifts we’re considering and whether it will make him happy and I’m sick to my stomach that he’ll feel like we don’t really get or understand him. Same with his sister. Same with all the kids. It feels like this huge test that I neve prepared enough for. I have a seething sense of self loathing that we don’t host half of my family. I outsource my one holiday as far as catering but it does feel awful that I’m not able to do more. I told my mom that the reason I hate this so much is it puts into stark contrast difference between who I am and what those around me deserve. I’m just miserable all the time. Then it’s January and like magic I’m a happy normal person with an objectively amazing life. So it feels like it’s Christmas and not me.

        1. Small gifts and cash. And if it means anything, no parent really understands their child. You are not the only parent failing on this–the trick is just to accept it as a reality and let them know you love them deeply. Also, I’ve never hosted family as an adult, ever. My sister does it, she’s good at it, and that’s how it is. We accept this.

        2. Christmas is not a test of your love. Don’t buy into it. Seriously. I 100% promise you that your kids would rather have you present, relaxed, and happy that stressing and crying and self-loathing about the perfect gifts.

          1. yeah this is absolutely ridiculous. OP, you are not thinking straight. Christmas gifts can not accomplish making a kid suddenly feel loved. And making them feel understood? Where is this coming from? Is your kid using this language?? If they are, that’s weird, but doesn’t make their word gospel.

        3. Honey, please, talk to a therapist. Regardless of the fact that this doesn’t happen at other times of year, this is not normal. None of this should be a test of your self-worth or whether you really know or love anyone. You need to unpack where these underlying assumptions and beliefs are coming from so you can let them go.

        4. “whether it will make him happy and I’m sick to my stomach that he’ll feel like we don’t really get or understand him”. Honestly get a therapist. It’s so relatable to care about this, and also you are so much not in control of whether your kid feels you get or understand you. I don’t know why this is coming out for you around Christmas and not at other times, but it is, and an actual professional can probably help you with it.

        5. This sounds so hard. My parents felt this way about me when I was a kid (I was a hard kid to understand!), so a lot of times they took me to a favorite store and let me pick out a gift, sometimes within a specific budget. Those are happy memories for me now. I still remember some of what I picked out, and even some of what was out of budget, but not in a negative way. My generation is having their kids write their own wishlists (these are distributed with no editing and are sometimes a source of significant amusement).

          I can’t help about hosting; I feel bad for not hosting more too. I do try to put a minor Christmas spin on things I’m 100% doing anyway (for me this even means saving certain groceries for this time of year so that just the way we’re eating feels more festive, like clementines or aged gouda or pistachios, which I never buy any other time of year but which don’t really take extra effort).

        6. Gently, it’s ok if your kid doesn’t get everything he wants for Christmas and is disappointed. He will, at some point, need to learn to deal with disappointment and that we don’t always get everything we want. It doesn’t mean he’s going to grow up to hate you. Maybe a good year to do one of those Angel Trees and talk to him about why they are needed to help with perspective? But I assure you I did not get everything on my Christmas list (in part because every year my Christmas list included “a pony”) and I have a perfectly normal, healthy relationship with my parents (and I bought myself a Christmas pony at age 33).

    5. I read your post above and this one. You need to see a doctor. Go to one of those minute clinics if you can’t get in with your PCP. They all have handy little questionnaires for anxiety, depression, and ADHD that simply and easily explain to the doc what you’re experiencing so that you don’t have to rely on your words so much.

      I spent years trying to manage my mental health by doing “the right things” like exercising and not drinking. That was cute and all, but for bigger issues you need bigger help, and that’s medication.

      I’m sending you hugs and hope you find a physician who helps.

    6. I commented above but seeing this version of the post, it sounds like aging relatives are part of the problem. And that makes me want to recommend therapy even more, as dealing with caregiving for both kids and parents is really challenging and also tends to bring up old issues, perhaps ones you thought you already made your peace with. It is a really hard balancing act, but I am guessing you need to find a way to make peace with disappointing the elders – their expectations are likely not realistic, however well-intentioned they may be. Dealing with elderly relatives can be a lot like dealing with toddlers. And I say that with as much compassion as possible – aging can be really awful.

    7. This sounds like you’ve tied your self worth to not measuring up to how others perform Christmas. Comparison is the thief of joy. Take this opportunity to create traditions that are meaningful to you and drop all of the others. People who love the holidays will do more because they enjoy it. That doesn’t mean you have to as well. It isn’t going to damage your kids to not have the Christmas other kids have. There were years that my parents could hardly afford gifts and I’m fine. Yes it was disappointing at the time, but what I remember now are the traditions we created not the gifts they bought me.

      We are all giving you permission to just not do the things. One day of celebration is perfectly normal and acceptable. Tree, gift, meal are 3 things. Or just do gift and meal. Certainly don’t sacrifice your mental health orchestrating a holiday production.

    8. You said you’re leaning on your husband, so maybe this isn’t it, but I’ll say: when I was in “bursting to tears randomly in public” territory, I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and didn’t realize it for years. My self esteem was ground to dust and it felt like the world was against me because the person who claimed to love me the most actually made me feel the worst. Even acknowledging that was what was going on would have helped a lot.

  18. Change of pace for this morning?

    Has anyone been to Sundance Resort, especially if it is in the summer? I’m in the SEUS and looking for something very different from here, especially in climate.

  19. When I was pregnant, an acquaintance told me I seem like a boy mom. I asked what she meant (because I truly didn’t know, this is my first) but she just repeated herself so I let it go. From the discussion here, it seems like the term “boy mom” means something more than just, mom of a boy. What does the term “boy mom” mean to you?

    1. When your identity is wrapped up in being the parent of a stereotypical boy (which I find is not very fair to either the mom or the kid, as not every boy fits that mold).

      1. This. Typical boy mom attitudes and behaviors:

        1) You drag the entire family along to every sports tournament, which means that if you have any daughters they don’t get to play sports of their own.
        2) You smother your boy with attention and teach him to think that the world revolves around him.
        3) You never make your boy learn to do things for himself or bear the consequences of his own actions.
        4) You expect your boy to fill your emotional needs.
        5) You resent any girl or woman who takes his attention away from you.
        6) You buy your boy a pickup truck for his 16th birthday and pay his exorbitant car insurance bill.

        1. I swear that 99% of my parenting efforts with my own eldest son are geared at making sure he is NOT the typical useless boy/man that ‘boy moms’ (ugh) seem to raise.
          Some of my proudest moments lately have been when he picked out and bought presents for his sibling/sitter/us (and then asked to be taught how to wrap them). We also talk a LOT about feelings and self regulation (which yes, he rolls his eyes about). But this week he came home and told me he’d had a tough day (didn’t make a sports team he cared about) and asked if he could have some extra screen time alone to play games with his friends to help cheer him up.

        2. I try hard not to judge other parents but did not succeed when a woman I know posted pictures of her daughter’s 5th birthday on the sidelines at the brothers’ baseball tournament – 12 hours, 100 degrees out, and just like every other weekend day all season. I’m sorry but no.

        4. Some of you all decided to take your internalized misogyny/misandry and externalize it this morning, Jesus. I’m sorry for your children and your friends if this is how you see boys and their moms.

          2. No, this is about women who style themselves as “boy moms,” not about all moms of boys.

          3. Oh yes, promoting reductionist stereotypes about a group of women is totally fine as long as there’s another group of women you can point to as Good Women. Definitely non-misogynistic to do that.

          4. Calling out women’s bad behavior is not misogynistic. The Boy Moms are the misogynists here.

          5. Again, if you are defining an archetype of a specific sort of woman so you can rail against that archetype as an example of Bad Women, you are engaging in misogyny.

        5. + 100. The women I know who call themselves a “boy mom” (as opposed to saying they have sons) are the same ones who use “boys will be boys” to excuse all bad behaviors.

    2. It feels very into gender norms to me, and often creating drama around deviating from those norms. It doesn’t really see your son(s) as individuals either.

    3. reference to stereotypical ‘boy’ behavior and that you, the boy mom, are therefore a good sport about caring about cars, trucks, sportsball, etc. So I think she’s trying to say that you seem like the type that wouldn’t have to try hard to be into those things?

      It can also be used more casually like someone posting a pic of a playroom strewn with toy weapons #boymomlife

    4. For what it’s worth, most people I know use “boy mom” in ways that are way less negative than the comments here – either:

      1. Self described “boy mom” meaning “I think I’m doing a good job raising my sons but I’m not confident in my ability to raise a daughter well” (I hear this especially from moms who only have sons)

      2. Not easily fazed by messes or (appropriate) danger – like, “you seem like someone who will be able to keep your head when your kid breaks their arm/belly flops in the mud puddle/etc”.

      I don’t personally love the phrase because of the gender implications (your daughter’s going to want to bellyflop in a mud puddle too!) but I wouldn’t read too much into your acquaintance’s comment, like some of the notes below where people are interpreting this as “you’re going to be a terrible mom, manipulatively raising a self-centered selfish man child to fill your own emotional needs”. Most people just aren’t thinking that hard about it!

    5. As a mom of a 10 yr old boy who is artsy and musical and not much of a sports person, I have no idea.

      The only boy-specific things I don’t really do are rough play (which he has his dad for, lol).
      And of course I educated myself about some general biology, what to watch out for in terms of health issues for boys vs. girls…

      As we are approaching the teenage years, it will become important to teach my kid to be a good partner in life, cleaning up after themselves as a responsible member of a household, and being generally resourceful, aware and respectful, and not succumbing to toxic masculinity they may be exposed to via friends or classmates.

    6. Often but not always, it is shorthand for describing mothers who intentionally cultivate and enable toxic masculinity in their sons.

      Sometimes it’s just meme shorthand for dealing with benign stereotypical boy behaviors, like never knowing whether that tupperware in the fridge holds leftover ramen or worms for fishing.

    7. i don’t know what “boy mom” means bc my mother had two daughters and i have two daughters and before having kids i saw myself as more of a ‘girl mom,’ though not totally sure what i meant by that. perhaps bc a lot of my traditions with my own mom were things that were more typically associated with girls (like going to see the nutcracker ballet, or getting our nails done when i was home on break from college or shopping together) and i wanted to pass those down?

    8. If I were to use the term, I would mean that the mom is athletic and adventurous, because those characteristics are, on average, more necessary when parenting a 3 year old boy than a 3 year old girl.

        1. Yep. I’m a girl mom, which basically means I know how to braid hair. These other commenters sure seem to know a lot of women they hate!

    10. “Boy Mom” – I have a family contract that outlines primarily what we agree to with my teenager for phone and schoolwork rules, but BY FAR the most common penance/violation is running a mile for farting at the dinner table or peeing on the toilet seat (two miles if violation is discovered by mom sitting on it.)

  20. I am so stressed. My work has been reorging like crazy this year and while I haven’t been directly impacted until now the way everyone works with each other has been so difficult, I feel like we’ve made things more confusing, and as a result I feel like I’ve gotten worse at my job.

    Last week, I found out one of my direct reports will be moving to another division, to a team that has been targeted for headcount reductions. This was originally messaged to me one way by my boss, but in the session with my direct report yesterday and in a follow up today he said something different. I scheduled a 1:1 and it seems like my January is going to be spent defending my role and my team’s role and having a corporate turf war to prove our purpose. It’s amazing that earlier this year I got a higher than average bonus and raise and was told my role is critical, now I feel like I’m on the chopping block.

    Honorable mention to my husband, who when I texted him yesterday that direct report didn’t take the news well and I’m now questioning my own job security, reacted with celebrating and champagne bottle emojis and saying “I’m so happy for you!”. When I texted him that the response seemed really inappropriate, he said he didn’t really read it and uses AI to scan his texts. Lord help us all.

    I’m job searching but there’s not much out there for a midcareer well paid leader who doesn’t want to travel all the time. I could go back to consulting if I have to, but I don’t want to pull that lever until push comes to shove. Very glad we have a 12 month emergency fund at my insistence.

      2. Yeah… this would not be okay with me. Maybe if he was deeply apologetic like, “Oh my god, I thought I would try out AI texting and clearly it’s a disaster I’m so sorry that’s awful,” then I would let it go but my spouse flippantly saying they can’t be bothered to read my texts would be incredibly hurtful.

    2. Blech, that sounds rough.

      If there’s any way you can cut your direct report some slack for not taking the news well, I think it’s pretty normal to be upset about being informed-not-optional that you’re being transferred to a different team, especially one that people think will have layoffs! Obviously I mean if “not taking the news well” means something like “didn’t look thrilled” not something like “cursed you and your boss out”.

    3. That response from your husband would send me. My husband travels for work (2-3 days per week), and if he weren’t actually reading his texts, we’d be divorced.

      I hope you keep your jobs, but at the same time, it must be exhausting to battle an entity that doesn’t care about you / just wants somebody somewhere fired. If I could get a severance, it’d be tempting to wave a white flag of surrender in your shoes.

      1. ^For what it’s worth, I was in this position earlier this year – terrible work environment, regular layoffs, corporate strategy changing completely every few months, trying unsuccessfully to get opportunities for my junior hires. I *knew* there was no future for me at the company and when the layoff finally came, it was a relief. But the job search has been so, so difficult, and has dragged on much longer than expected. I don’t want to be whiny but it’s way worse out there than I had thought.

    4. I actually gasped when I read that your husband is using AI to read texts from you.

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