Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Bubble-Sleeve Seamed Poplin Top
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Banana Republic Factory is one of my all-time favorites places for workwear on a budget. I’ve been wearing the heck out of the pieces I bought from their “soft touch scuba” line this winter, but this bubble-sleeved top might be my newest favorite. The navy floral print is delightfully summer-y and it pairs nicely with trousers or more casual bottoms.
The only thing I would note is that the fabric doesn’t have any stretch, so if you’re between sizes, you may want to go with the larger one.
The blouse is $30-59.97 at Banana Republic Factory and comes in two prints and four solids.
Sales of note for 7/25/25:
- Nordstrom – The Anniversary Sale is open for everyone — here's our roundup!
- Ann Taylor – 25% off your purchase, including new arrivals + up to 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 10% off new womenswear with code
- Eloquii – $19+ select styles + extra 45% off all sale
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off select cashmere + up to 50% off summer styles + up to 70% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 60% off cashmere + extra 15% off $100+ and extra 20% off $125+
- M.M.LaFleur – Daily flash sales — on 7/25 it's 25% off dresses! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Rothy's – Final Few: up to 50% off
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – Extra 60% off marked down pants, jeans, shorts and more, and extra 50% off all other markdowns
I posted yesterday about having an interview where I was fast tracked to the final round. One of the interviewers had to be on the road unexpectedly so we did not meet. When trying to compare our mutually busy schedules for a time to meet, the last thing the hiring manager said to me was “I promise this isn’t a waste of time”…. and then before I was even back at my desk I had an email from him to firm the time to do a zoom with the missing guy, which happens to be this morning.
I’m trying so hard to not get excited, to protect myself a bit, but that’s pretty dang positive… Final interview this AM. More good juju, please and thank you!!
Sending good juju vibes!!
Yay!!!! Sending good vibes!
Good luck. But do go in with both eyes open. A too-fast hiring process can be just as big of a red flag as one that is chaotically long. Keep in mind that you need to be interviewing them just as much to assess ideal fit. Hope you see a great mutual fit.
this! totally agree.
Given the context from yesterday (it’s a client) I get why things would move faster than an average cold application. But agree with your point overall!
This is how I went in-house years ago – my client had seen my work on a number of projects – and “are you interested in coming on board” query to “offer” was like 3 weeks, and only that long because the HR rep was on vacation.
JUJU!!
Is anyone here a first level supervisor in the federal government? Care to speak to your experience? It seems like a lot more work (than being a line attorney) for little to no increase in benefit, but I’m interested in hearing what people think about it.
Thats generally how people view supervisory work in the government. Lots more work and not much in return.
Which is why many of us hold out for the elusive non-sup 13s and even more elusive non-sup 14s
Where would you like to take your career in the next 5-10 years? I see this as a decision whether to continue developing expertise, become SME in your field as independent contributor vs. moving in direction of managing people, setting strategy for team, etc (generally not doing the work yourself any longer). Both can be fulfilling and each has unique set of challenges.
IME, this comment is spot on. I was a front line supervisor and then stepped back to individual contributor after having kids. I ultimately moved to a different group and became an SME with the best possible outcome for me, a non-supervisory 15. If you ever want to be an SES, you will likely have to move up through the supervisory ranks.
Yes. I find that it is a little more work than being a SME, but the work is more challenging and requires more of me. I enjoy leading people but the bulk of my time is spent trying to both manage up and manage down, and being mindful of competing priorities and trying to position my team in the best way. Then add in the people-managing side of things – how do you help someone develop their skills? What if they are underperforming? What if someone is leaving and you can’t replace them?
I’m glad I’m doing the job, and I am fortunate that my entire leadership chain (no political appointees) is very reasonable and supportive of things like work-life balance. Because it’s no picnic to be in the federal government right now but we all care very deeply about the mission.
I have a vintage bag that is in great vintage condition. It’s sentimental and otherwise a solid B+ for functionality. It’s also easy to see in daylight that it’s just been used. I feel like maybe I keep it for use going to dinner (like Blanche Dubois, it looks great in dim lighting). Yes? It just isn’t cut out any more for day time / office life any more. Anyone else like this? Am I being overly fussy about things? I feel like a daily driver should either be really beat up (casual / weekend bag) or really fresh and pristine (anything going to the office except for logo totes from conferences or big haulers like a boat and tote bag).
Do you like using it? I don’t think anyone else is looking that closely at your bag and judging you for it looking “used” tbh.
Is it leather? Could it look better by getting it cleaned and conditioned?
You’re being fussy. Are you trying to get internet permission to buy something new? You don’t need it. I’ve never had a fresh or pristine purse–that just isn’t how I use them. Use something for as long as you can–it’s good for your pocketbook and good for the planet.
Oh, no. I have other bags. I just got a 70s/80s bag that was well-used by my Nana after my aunt died (so decades of use already). It’s an amazingly solid bag that has lasted this long and considering it’s life and service to the women in my family, maybe the best bag for the money ever.
BUT: any good internet sources for conditioning it? I am guessing I can’t just use black shoe polish b/c that might transfer to my clothes, but it maybe needs a bit of love to look the best it can.
Take it to a good shoe repair place if it’s leather.
Bick4 conditioner is available at most boot/shoe places, including big box western places like Boot Barn. It’s cheap, gentle and works well.
I do have a black leather bag that I use shoe polish on. You just need to let it sit and then polish with a cloth to remove the excess. You can use clear but I’ve used black as well.
I would advise against this. I would take it to a shoe repair/cobbler first. If you’re set on DIY, the approach most folks use to restore is saddle soap followed by leather conditioner like Leather CPR. If you still have wear marks and it is black, use actual leather products designed for purses as it avoids transfer and will blend better. If you are looking for inspiration, I love watching the restorations @yooonie does on Instagram. She also has lists the products being used. My leather and nylon bags look a ton better these days thanks to her tips.
I’m not sure what is wrong with your bag. It’s okay for a vintage bag to look like it’s in “great vintage condition” or “used.” It’s generally classier to have a real bag that looks used than a really fresh, pristine bag from Target or wherever.
But if there’s something actually wrong with it, maybe get it touched up.
You need a hobby that is not trying to decide what is the right level of wear and tear on your bags, because you are way too far down this rabbit hole for your own good.
She’s on a fashion blog asking a fashion related question. I think you’re the one who needs new hobbies.
Nah, my hobby is telling women who are navel-gazing that they’re navel-gazing, so this is the best possible place for me!
+1
I get what you’re saying. FWIW, unless you’re at a swank gala, I don’t think there is ever an expectation of having a “pristine” handbag.
The words “daily driver” are not compatible with “really fresh and pristine” unless you replace the bag often.
But also, everyone has different tolerance for wear on clothing and accessories. I’d happily use your purse during the day unless it was truly shabby. But what constitutes “shabby” to me might be different from your line, and that’s OK.
Sounds like the wear marks bother you. Have you taken the bag to a cobbler and asked if it can be spruced up?
Why don’t you just get it restored?
Can you bring it to a purse cleaner? Maybe they can freshen it up to the point that it doesn’t look so used. I did this with a purse and it made a big difference.
OP here and this may work. How do you go about finding this? There was a cobbler who was great who retired recently and the other local one is good for workboots but not really for fancy shoes (so not purses, I imagine).
I got a recommendation from a friend, but if you don’t have that, I would call around to shoe repair places and ask if they do luxury purse repair and cleaning. Even if your purse is say, a Coach, which isn’t exactly luxury, that is the place you want to get it done.
Agree. I’ve had bags come back not exactly looking new but looking much less shabby than they were before the trip to the cobbler.
I also DIY some of this. Coach leather cleaner and conditioner really work. Leather is a skin like our skin, so if you clean it and rub in lotion, it will look much smoother.
I would personally never put colored shoe polish on my bags. No matter how well you think you rubbed it off, it’s going to transfer to your body, clothing, or furniture.
I cannot fathom this level of fretting. If you want it to look nicer send it to Rago Brothers for a refresh
Some people don’t have enough to worry them.
What’s with folks lately. This is a fashion blog. This post is totally fine.
I think there’s a certain amount of wear and tear on a bag that is acceptable, and that varies from city to city because the bag situation is different if you’re driving vs public transport. I would say unacceptable visual things include: broken anything held together with duct tape like strap or hole in bottom of the bag, or something that obviously could be fixed with a bit of attention, like a light-colored bag that is half dirty or a cracked, dried leather bag that needs some conditioner.
To be honest though I’ve always enjoyed bags and had many to switch between so none of them get a lot of use.
you are both being too fussy in your analysis process, and correct that carrying a beat-up bag is not cute. If it’s beyond repair then it’s time to retire it. But why not take it to the professionals for a look at conditioning and restoring?
At what age do we stop aiming for “cute.”
ok, sub in “attractive” or “polished” or whatever. Message is the same.
Look online at some of the pictures from purse refurbishing services and see what you think. Then you will know what to ask for.
It sounds like you love this bag, and would like to keep using it as long as possible.
There are loads of ways to help a leather bag. From the extra information in the comments I’m assuming it’s black leather that’s cracking a bit, and maybe has some scuffs where the colour’s come off? Maybe the hardware is a little scuffed, maybe some loose threads? For that it needs a cleanse and conditioning process. Do NOT use shoe polish! There are specialty leather cleaning and conditioning products (with no colour!) that can help restore as much as possible of the cracking. There’s also specialty leather paint that can restore the scuffed and colourless leather, but please don’t do that yourself, take it to a professional.
If you want to see the process, look at youtube videos of sneaker collectors restoring white sneakers – it’s very difficult to get a nice and even look if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I think it would be a lovely thing to restore and keep using this sentimental vintage bag. You will most likely spend more money having it restored (if you need to have a repaint) than it will cost you buying a new bag, so you have to come at it from with restoring and keeping to use a sentimental family item as the point of the process. It’s not going to save you any money, but you get to take good care of a loved item. The cleaning and conditioning you can do yourself, but get quality products made for clothes and bags, don’t get shoe products!
Restoring the bag will honestly probably cost less than a stylish new bag made of the same quality leather as what they used back then.
The Olsen twins used to carry really beat-up Birkins – the patina is the je ne sais quoi. I’d look at it that way.
I’ll be the voice of dissent here. I think having a bag and shoes in nice condition covers for a lot of other fashion sins. It’s one of the few things people notice, as it’s positioned so close to eye level and is often visible when dining. If you’re feeling like it’s looking shabby, it probably is. Either see what can be restored properly or spend on new. Bags aren’t meant to be passed down from generation to generation with heavy use. Any leather will need some conditioning even if stored properly and used rarely. And it’s surprising what that alone can do. Fraying threads can be zapped. But sometimes it really is time to just admit that it’s had better days.
I’ll be travelling for work in september to the UK and Netherlands. I’ll be gone about 2.5 weeks, mostly working but some personal time at the end.
What should I expect weather wise? Packing suggestions for a more casual office in London?
I’ll be coming from a still summer hot location, so all I have out in the rotation is linen and light layers.
I’m planning to do a lot of walking and museums in my free time.
I’ve only been to the UK in December and that was 9 years ago!
A bit cool and misty in the mornings and 70-80 degrees in the day time.
We go to Europe often that time of year (Sept-Oct) and sometimes you get gorgeous warm days (70-80 F early in the month, a little cooler obviously as it gets later) and cool nights (50-55), sometimes 60 degree high with blustery drizzle. So plan to pack layers, some of which are rain-friendly.
Weather in the UK is always a bit unpredictable. I would wait until it is get closer to really set a packing list. That being said, I would be surprised if it is 80 in London or Amsterdam in September.
This might be really hard in today’s climate, but asking anyway. When I was in BigLaw in DC, a lot of people stayed for 2-4 years and then went into the government. What about people doing that at the end (not beginning) of their career? Like you’re in BigLaw for tax or ERISA or securities or securitization and then at a certain point, you don’t really want to quit, but have some off-ramp for when you’re 50-60 and value predictability and good health insurance over $ (like: I already have peers having cancers, having prior cancers come back, eldercare, etc.). I don’t want to teach and state-government jobs don’t seem to line up in an obvious way.
Isn’t that what Senior Attorney did?
Eh, I went from mid-law to state government mid-career. Not quite the same thing.
Well, I’d be careful about assuming stability with federal government jobs these days.
I would also be careful about assuming that getting a government job is easy. Before the current hiring freeze, we would routinely receive 100+ well-qualified applicants for every position in my federal government agency.
I seriously considered this, had an offer, and decided not to because of concerns about lack of stability if Trump won (this was shortly before the election), as well as lack of flexibility and quite frankly it didn’t seem like that much of a step down for the significant pay cut. I have not once regretted turning that down given the nonsense since November.
The biggest benefit of going at the end of your career is health insurance and pension. For most agencies you’d need to have at least 5 years of service for any sort of pension vesting so consider that. I’m at an agency with a more generous pension scheme and the senior attorney jobs are extremely competitive – like hundreds of qualified applicants for a single role.
My BigLaw partners have off-ramped to various things. Some of the good options include things like becoming a mediator or arbitrator, becoming a state court judge, teaching (including more practical teaching, like in clinics or with NITA), executive coaching for lawyers, going in-house. There’s also the option of stepping back at your firm and going part time, or taking on firm roles rather than a more active practice role.
I know this is a board for high-achieving women, and I have always been (or at least seen myself) that way. Well. Now, I’m in my mid-40s, and I feel like I have lost my edge. I just can’t force myself to uphold those standards anymore. I don’t have the bandwidth, the patience, or the drive to excel. Instead of feeling freed by that, I am feeling like I’ve lost part of my identity. IDK, I feel like there’s this narrative out there that it feels so good to care less when you hit 45+, and I’m just not there yet. The old identity no longer fits, but the new one hasn’t taken shape yet. On the career front, I have rage-quit fantasies all the time.
Please tell me I’m not the only one?
Nope. It’s hard to find out, that even though we’ve always been told how special we are and that we’d change the world, that we all pretty much grow up to go to work, come home, shop for groceries, and do laundry. There is some relief in being ordinary, no, like you can breathe for once? I hear you though. I went to a summer program where I was the only one not actively considering (and later going to) HYP, etc. Maybe that made them sparkle a bit more than the average teen, but here we are, all going for colonoscopies now. Time is a great equalizer, but I consider it to be liberating. Heavy is the teen and young adult head told that it must wear the crown.
See, and I wasn’t necessarily one of the special gifted ones. I was above-average in a small pond, at best. I worked my tail off to keep up with those who had more natural intelligence and moxie. And it sort of worked, and now I’m exhausted.
High achieving doesn’t mean much, except that you’re living in a way that’s authentic to you and the mark you want to leave on the world. We all have different paths–if you’ve been chasing someone else’s path then it’s no wonder you’re exhausted.
Very true. When you’re young, there is a yardstick. It’s more Montessori as you go through life — everything is multidisciplinary, everything is very “challenge by choice.” It’s a bit untethered, if you’re used to that. No external accolades. No road map.
…but here we are, all going for colonoscopies now…
That should be a new catchphrase!
“we all pretty much grow up to go to work, come home, shop for groceries, and do laundry.” man isn’t that the truth? i saw a meme of sisyphus pushing the boulder uphill and the boulder had the words “the f’ing laundry and dishes” imposed over it.
I’m 48 and have felt this way for a while. At a certain point a) you have enough money or make enough money that you feel content with your situation (or can come to peace with whatever your situation is since you’ve been in it for so long), b) your energy and restlessness isn’t what it once was, c) the DGAFs kick in and you just DGAF what the Joneses are doing anymore. I could see myself becoming overachieving in the face of extreme boredom like if I retire early, or if there’s a divorce or tragedy that motivates me to get ambitious with my career, run for office or spearhead a charity. although in this climate if you don’t feel like bending the knee/[insert more gauche images] or repeatedly hitting your head against the wall i don’t know why you’d run for office.
Definitely not the only one. I’m 39, so a bit younger than you. In a lot of ways it does feel very good to care less, and I feel like I have stopped caring about a lot of things that don’t matter as much as I thought they did or just caring way more than necessary to my own detriment. But I’m not comfortable with the degree to which I feel like I’ve lost my overall motivation to excel like I used to. Feels like uncharted territory and not in a good way.
Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. Less drive to excel, but not necessarily in an empowered way.
See, I’m even going to question why the words “excel” and “empowered” are the touchstones that tell us we’re doing OK. What about all the other ways we could describe our lives and our values?
My comment got eaten so hopefully this doesn’t post twice. Empowerment doesn’t necessarily refer to ambition, career success, external validation, material success, or being in a powerful position. To me, “empowerment” in this context refers to agency, and the ability to chart the course of our lives how we want, which is pretty crucial for wellbeing.
“excel” makes me thing of the spreadsheet now :(
I felt like that when I pivoted away from a career path that was heavily tied up with my identity. It goes away, and you’ll find new passions.
This! Yes!
No. I recently watched Yellowjackets and it was scary how much the Shauna character resonated with me. Early admission to Brown, soccer star, then suburban mom with a minivan and a mouthy teen.
Precisely why I didn’t have kids.
Because then you might have had something meaningful to do in your 40s and 50s?
Contributing to overpopulation is not meaningful 🤣
Kids are a crapshoot. I absolutely think people should have them (even though I do not) but there are enough variables that can make it a financial/emotional losing bet long-term. If it was just raising and educating a healthy and happy kid for 18 years and launching them into the world to make their own way, I’d have had a dozen, as biology intended.
Way to insult every childfree person in their 40s and 50s. Do you really think we have nothing meaningful to do? If so you need to rethink your ideas about what’s meaningful in life.
Because kids could make you a loser? Only losers have kids? Not seeing the straight line to draw here.
Not the poster who made the comment but I think for a lot of women who consider themselves very high achieving, it’s hard not to commit to kid development as intensely as you are used to committing to everything else. The end result is that some of those women either end up dropping out of the workforce or leaning way back to do so, which makes the idea of having gone to HYP etc and worked in that fancy firm only to drive your kids around to their team sports and Mandarin lessons feel like a waste. I think it takes a person comfortable with not doing everything at 110% to “do it all,” or at least that’s how I am able to have an “important career” and children.
I’d love to go through life like a man, where there is no career cost (or suspected career cost) to having kids (and possibly a slight benefit, as I’d be “rooted” and “stable”). And I’d love it if I looked around at the ranks of partners were I work and note that almost all of the men (and almost none of the women) are parents. In my 30s and I’ve decided to stop putting my job first in my life. My high school friends who weren’t told they could be anything they wanted are in fact doing all of the things and those of us packed off to “good” schools are finding that we live a very circumscribed life, almost like the nuns of old where we forgo families for our education and vocations.
I absolutely see your point, but there is a cost to the men in your scenario, too. Often these men in high-powered jobs don’t see/care for their kids enough to have a true relationship. It’s surface level, and I don’t envy that. I WANT to be super involved with my kids.
Part of what you’re seeing is that women are intentionally stepping back to be with kids, because becoming a mother often realigns your priorities and feelings about things . It’s the problem if “inability to have it all” for both men and women; women are perhaps more likely to sacrifice career, while men sacrifice relationships.
(There is definitely a discrimination factor, too, and this is not a generalization to all women, etc etc)
There are lots of reasons I didn’t have kids–didn’t want to risk Me2.0, primarily. It would never occur to me that a career should matter that much. I feel like there isn’t enough imagination in the human population to chase any kind of happiness and/or meaning outside of financial security. Kids are a choice that are good for lots of people! Other types of meaning exist.
The other characters didn’t fare so well, either. Most weren’t moms, either. And it’s fiction.
So sick of women being the enemies of moms. We can be better than this.
You’re in your mid-40s. This is completely normal. Read Arthur Brooks’ From Strength to Strength.
When I was younger, I put a lot of stock in being knowledgeable and “right” about things. I was in the first generation of women to attend college in my family, and also the first to be diagnosed with a condition that runs in my family and had caused a lot of undiagnosed suffering for older relatives. So in my youthful view of the world, education and knowledge and access to expertise was well worth the investment since it could change lives for the better! I felt very driven and motivated in my own life and to help young people in my community and family access and understand accurate information.
I’ve had a lot of experiences since then where it felt more like being informed doesn’t matter that much, and especially negative experiences where the people in power really don’t care if they’re wrong, and now I think I drew the wrong lesson from my experiences. Now I wonder if privilege just begets privilege, and the difference in my life wasn’t that I was educated or informed, but more that I was starting to get the treatment that people who go to nice colleges and come across that way tend to get. And this takeaway is just not as motivating to me.
Spend some time setting new goals. They don’t need to be work goals. Volunteering to work with animals? Visiting every national park, or training for an athlete event? Actually using opera season tickets? This is when you can start taking care of the non-work you.
Yes. I used to be super high achieving in my career- Ivy education, top of my class, right to Biglaw at one of the top firms in my practice area for over a decade, and did the grind to be the best. By age 35, I was completely burnt out and realized that all the things (career-wise) that I had been gunning for weren’t worth it to me. All the cool international travel I was doing? Not so great when you only see the inside of a conference room and have to be gone from your family for long stretches. Lead counsel on a case? Sure, but subject to the whims of crazy and demanding clients at all hours. High paycheck? Great for savings, but no time to take advantage, and instead get vacations routinely canceled or cut short, or work throughout.
I moved to the government a few years ago, and while it’s not “prestigious” and I took a massive pay cut, I am SO much happier. And have no ambition to be more than a line attorney who works regular hours, or ever go back to a high profile or demanding job that others might be impressed by.
No advice, I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. For some reason, your post plus the comments after were exactly what I needed to hear today.
Maybe we need to redefine our “edge” for this stage of life. Last weekend, I figured out how to hang up these cool masks that we bought on vacation (like 2+ years ago). You would have thought I was just named CEO of the world.
I joke with my kid that 50% of being his parent is filling out forms. But he’s awesome, and maybe the wins now are just different. I wouldn’t say I necessarily care less now, but maybe the things I care about are more internally focused then formed by looking at those around me.
Anyway, looks like you have plenty of fellow travelers, including me.
I love what you said about the wins now are just different.
In my 40s too, and I had a couple of small lightbulb moments in the past few years that made me realize that I need to redirect my drive to meet goals to the goal of seeking joy. This isn’t a small thing for me. I’m leaving out a lot of details because I’ve posted enough here that I’d be pretty easy to out, but I had some periods of depression in my 30s (situational, largely tied to other health problems, but also I wasn’t reacting well to the situations), and during those times work was usually the only thing going really right, so I felt like I’d almost developed an emotionally codependent relationship with it? I worked my way out of the depression, realized I was feeling pretty lost, and didn’t know what to do about it. And then I started noticing the small things that did make me feel truly happy and fulfilled, even if it was for a short time…and then I decided to just lean really hard into them (and they weren’t what I would have expected to be into 5 or 10 years earlier!). For me the solution isn’t caring less, it’s being more open minded about what to care about.
“then I started noticing the small things that did make me feel truly happy and fulfilled, even if it was for a short time…and then I decided to just lean really hard into them.” I love this advice! Stopping to notice things is so important.
This is helpful. Thank you.
You are not the only one. In my 40s I achieved a career milestone and suddenly after that I just didn’t care about achieving the next one and the next one. Lots of people do keep on trying to achieve more and I was very surprised that I wasn’t one of them. It’s not that you’ve “lost your edge.” It’s that you’ve learned something about yourself and realized that what you used to prioritize above everything is no longer your top priority. You still have your edge and you’ll see that when you apply yourself to other goals or intentions.
Definitely not the only one. I’m younger than you (35) but had this feeling (lost my edge / “passion” / whatever) in 2020 after I started anti-anxiety meds and realized anxiety was my main motivator. Not wanting to do well, not doing things because I was passionate about them. It was straight up anxiety. While I don’t wish for the anxiety back, I did (and still am, truthfully) have a self-identity crisis because wtf am I supposed to do now & exactly what you said “lost part of my identity”. I feel very much adrift and still am not sure how to get past it.
OP, and yes, I now recognize how much of my achievement early in life was due to anxiety, and lots of it.
I’m 39 and me and my high-achieving cohort of friends have been feeling this way for a couple of years. Basically, “Is this it? Did we win? And THIS is what we’ve won? Hmm… it doesn’t really feel… like winning?”
I’ve been having rage-quit fantasies as well, and it doesn’t help that we have a high net worth such that I could actually do that with no issues.
One confounding factor for me is some nonsense feeling that I shouldn’t leave because then I’m just a trope about how women don’t want to be in the C-suite or can’t hack it in the big leagues. Life if I, a childfree woman who is ambitious and insists that I WANT to climb the ladder and that I enjoy my job, etc. etc. don’t have the stamina to keep doing this for another 20 years, then we’re gonna be stuck with the gender gap forever. I know you can’t live your life for others, and part of me still genuinely wants the big job and fancy title and tons of responsibilities and huge paycheck that 21yo me set out to obtain, but also… can I just not?
Check out My So-Called Midlife podcast which nicely covers some of these topics
Any tips to deal with a manager who is a chaos agent? We have a leader who is a dark cloud of chaos, anger and anxiety. In an already high stress field, she amplifies everything 10x. She is frequently out of breath and even (literally) clutching her chest over the most benign issues. It creates a dark cloud over the entire team. Any tips on how to handle? I’m not sure that addressing it with her directly will be effective and could put me in her crosshairs.
I work in this environment. For your own mental health, start taking absolutely nothing personally (even when it’s intended to be personal.) Addressing it directly will not help, but over time everyone will understand how to work with each other more impactfully.
My boss is a bit like this in certain areas of the business. I find I can bypass the emotional drama sometimes by having solutions ready to go, and always framing things always as solvable and normal course of business. We’ve built up a lot trust over the years so it tends to work more often than not. Note that I’m not trying to fix the emotion of the leader, I’m very focused on fixing the actual problem in front of us.
Also I have to accept that there will be a certain amount of hyperbole while talking. I’ll listen and then circle back to the issue at hand, and more often then not we can move forward.
One of the other managers who reports to him is much less solutions orientated and feeds into the emotion drama, and that tends to blow little issues up into big issues.
Honestly it has been a personal growth experience and I’m glad that I’ve developed these deescalation skills and ability to work through highly emotive situations… but also it’s totally fine to just bide time and find another job with a better manager.
Job hunt
+1
This is interesting, as I would say my boss is more “chaotic good” but still… chaotic. Every time he gets involved in my area of expertise he seems to complicate things – giving bad info because he doesn’t understand the situation, or is representing that he understands it better than he does. Meetings never start on time, he makes commitments he can’t keep, and generally just makes things crazier than they need to be.
While he is a nice person who I think wants to help, job hunting is my answer/approach.
I worked under a boss like this for many years. I learned a lot about how to manage up, how to de-escalate, damage repair, and insulate my team from things like that, and the type of boss I want to be. I was really good at handling her and the situations she created, but it took a toll. I don’t recommend doing it long term.
We have an unexpected week free in August right before school starts and no plans. Would be flying from the east coast so within easy access of international flights. What would be an easy last minute trip with kids somewhere interesting but not too hot? We’re active, like both cities and non, and kids, 8 & 10, are good in most settings. I know we missed the boat on planning anything elaborate but thinking there have to be some last minute trips we could do. TIA!!
Quebec city? Not toooo hot in August (unlike Europe or anywhere south). Great access to both city and outdoor things.
Montreal.
Copenhagen
Copenhagen is fantastic, if ridiculously expensive. The kids would probably love Tivoli Gardens. On the recommendation of somebody here, we stayed at the Villa Copenhagen, which is right across the street (and next door to the train station) and loved it. we also took a fun day trip to Malmo, Sweden (got the guide on Viator) and that was great, too.
Copenhagen is great. Take a trip to Roskilde, 25 minutter by train and see viking ships and a breathtaking cathedral
Counterpoint, I thought Copenhagen was super underwhelming and there’s 2-3 days worth of stuff there at most.
Costa Rica is hot but not crazy hot in August and I think your kids would be the perfect age for beach/zipline/animal spotting/hot springs etc. Easy country to be a tourist in at the last minute, although I wouldn’t spend any time in the city.
Iceland is also great, but expensive. Ireland or Scotland could be good, always plenty of flights and a good mix of city and nature. Amsterdam would be more of a city destination but the kids might get a kick out of the canals and trains are super easy to get out into more nature/smaller towns.
Bar Harbor, Montreal
I would stay home and relax. When was the last time you had a week at home with the whole family?
If you want to stay domestic, we like Maine a lot. Kennebunkport area is great and easy access from Portland (or even Boston).
If you are looking for somewhere further flung, I second the rec for Copenhagen, though I think a week there would be long. Maybe you could combine it with Amsterdam or Sweden or Norway. We also love Switzerland and Austria with kids.
London. Best Euro city for school age kids and not too hot.
What, within 2 hours of Charlotte by car (other than Asheville) would be good for a summer weekend trip if you want to do some light hiking and maybe ride horses on trails? Is there a Greenbrier-like place that exists (resort, everything is there so no need to reinvent the wheel or do much more than sign up for things)? New to here and needing to scramble to make Labor Day plans.
I haven’t been yet so can’t personally review, but I’ve been following Cataloochee Ranch on Instagram for years and want to try it. It’s a Relais &Chateaux property. It’s in Maggie Valley, which is just up the road from Cherokee, so you could go to Great Smokey Mountains NP as well.
Highly recommend Cattaloochee Ranch or its sister property The Swag. They’re both situated next to the GSMNP so the trail rides and hikes are in the park. Pricey but bliss!
If you’re willing to expand your drive time, the Old Edwards Inn and Spa in Highlands is quite nice.
Along similar lines to Gail’s response — Primland might meet your requirements depending where in Charlotte you’re coming from.
Tons of great spots in Western NC.
Boone/Blowing Rock (Chetola Resort)/Banner Elk/Seven Devils
A touch over 2 hrs is Brevard/Pisgah National Forest. Not Greenbrier/resort level but enough for a weekend
Head east towards Raleigh and stay at The Umstead Resort/Spa (although no break from the heat)
Brevard looks like it has a cute downtown. Any recommendations on places to stay there?
Tons of great spots in Western NC. Boone/Blowing Rock (Chetola Resort)/Banner Elk/Seven Devils A touch over 2 hrs is Brevard/Pisgah National Forest. Not Greenbrier/resort level but enough for a weekend Head east towards Raleigh and stay at The Umstead Resort/Spa (although no break from the heat)
Am I right that people aren’t learning to write anymore? I look at myself and I was writing book reports and then topical reports starting in grade school. I wrote long reports in all areas (not just English, like science classes and seminars) in high school and college. Very little was short-form answers or multiple choice (maybe math?).
Starting with COVID (middle school for my kids), everything went online, so I couldn’t really see their work, but I suspect it was in formats that could easily be graded by computer. Then they have summer reading, but often don’t get English until second semester and it’s never mentioned or followed up on. I really don’t think that they can write because they don’t write. And that upper-level high school or college classes aren’t likely to ever train them in this. Yes? No? I feel for you all, their future supervisors, but I can’t figure out how to fix this for them. I feel that we are losing this as a human skill.
Kids don’t write essays anymore and it shows. I’m not sure we can fix it without an overhaul of the education system. We need to limit computers in the classroom
One of our local public high schools just banned phones during school hours and is likely going back to blue books/paper and pencil format for end of year exams. The administrators got fed up with cheating/AI/bullying/etc.
Paper exams are the way!
My impression from the style of the writing and the sometimes superficial relevance to prompts is that some college students are already memorizing AI essays to reproduce in blue books (but hey at least they had to memorize something and reproduce it).
Is it really easier to memorize than to think critically? I could not imagine going through that level of effort.
I thought the same thing, but I think it must be easier if you went through K12 focused on test taking (which was a lot of memorization!) and have very little background or experience with thinking critically, and not a lot of confidence in your writing?
Stepping back from essays, I’m sometimes amazed at the multiple choice questions I’ve heard students get wrong when they’re studying for tests. It’s very obvious that they’re just memorizing and regurgitating and not reasoning their way through to the best answer if they don’t remember it. I’ve witnessed this with high schoolers on up through med school. It’s how they were taught to study.
I work with teens and they most definitely still have to write. I’m sure it varies by school though and I don’t know what standard they are held to. But yes essays and reports and still a thing.
Our tech bro overlords have decided that writing is for wimps and is better done by using AI to waste vast amounts of energy and water to churn out poorly fact- checked garbage. People should just watch YouTube videos instead.
I love AI as a thought partner, but not for writing. It’s not that it’s bad at writing–it is not–but it tends to empower people to write things that don’t need to be written, and just adds to overwhelming people with language unnecessarily.
I like it as a supercharged thesaurus.
No, parents have decided to shove their kids off onto underpaid daycare workers and teachers and hope for the best. The failure starts at home.
I had thought that this something that IB classes were designed around — lots of long-form writing (friends with kids who’ve done it insist it’s meaningless group projects and busywork) vs AP classes, where nothing is long-form and it’s all geared around tests. IDK though. I went to a high school with just an “honors/college” track vs something on a national framework like AP or international framework like IB.
It depends on the AP courses you take. I went to public high school and I credit my AP US history teacher with teaching us how to write a proper essay since we had to write 2 for the exam in about an hour. My friends in AP Lit/AP European history also had a big focus on writing well, quickly, as it was critical for getting a 4/5.
My MIL was an 11th grade English teacher for 32 years and just retired. She has 32 years of lesson plans that literally show the decline of American education, where she used to be able to have her students read Shakespeare and write multi-page essays, and she had to move to short stories and one-page essays because the students are simply incapable of more. Horrifying for the nation.
(As a non-parent, non-educator, what on earth is going on?? What are we teaching them if not to read and write? How to do STEM on tablets? Who cares! Bigger fish to fry – like communication!)
As a parent of kids doing well (on paper) in supposedly “honors” level classes in a large urban public school system (where they were at “good” schools) — they are just going garbage work. I bought into the equity arguments of participating in our city’s public schools and it will probably be the biggest regret of my life.
My serious only hope remains that maybe they can go to a Jesuit college where people may still care. And I’m not Catholic.
Following up on this – there was a huge discussion yesterday on the mom’s page about when to teach multiplication.
I don’t think that learning multiplication in 3rd grade instead of 2nd will horribly damage my kid, but my question is – if you’re not doing multiplication in 2nd then what are you doing instead?
Why are we relying on worksheets and multiple choice instead of making kids apply concepts they’ve learned and then back it up (whether thats answering a tough essay question with a supporting argument or applying what they’ve learned in math and science to a new problem and showing their work on how they got there)?
We did multiplication in third grade in the 1980s. I still had algebra in 7th and calculus in 11th (and then stopped. In contrast my now 5th grader did start multiplication in 2nd.
I have the opposite take. I think formally teaching multiplication too EARLY is a problem. I’d rather my kids have time to explore math concepts in less formal, organic ways so they understand the WHY behind it. It’s a lot easier to picture and memorize 3 times 4 if you are used to making arrays with toys, for example (just the first thing I thought of, there are many examples of how free play primes the brain for higher order math)
Well multiplication should be taught conceptually, not just rote memorization. Sure, kids do have to memorize math facts but I wouldn’t send my kid to a school that doesn’t teach the concepts behind it
This right here! I don’t have data to back it up, but starting algebra too early in order to get a kid through calculus in high school really sets them up to fail if they don’t have a good grasp of the WHY. In college, students don’t necessarily crash and burn in higher math courses because of the high level concepts taught. They crash and burn because they don’t know algebra.
I mentioned below that my kids are in private school – they aren’t even reading Shakespeare until 8th/9th now. In my public school we started in 7th with the ‘easy’ plays (Macbeth/Romeo and Juliet) after doing shorter classics in 6th (lots of Hemmingway and O’Henry).
My public school in the early 90s didn’t teach Shakespeare until 10th grade. I now write award-winning books for a living. I promise the kids will be ok.
9th grade for Shakespeare was standard timing for those works in my excellent school district in the 90s. Middle school was short stories and a crap ton of Greek mythology.
Same–we started reading Shakespeare in 7th grade in my Title 1 junior high in the 1980s. My kid got an IB diploma without ever reading Shakespeare in school.
If you can’t read and write well, then I don’t see how you will pick up, develop further and communicate STEM concepts either!
Unfortunately far too many STEM students struggle with concepts and logical thinking, even if they’re pros at following instructions.
College humanties prof here, with a tween and a teen in middle and high school. There are so many variables, and of course it depends on the school. Here are some highlights:
* the absolute obsession with STEM as the future and the denigration of the humanities on the national stage filters to school boards and principals, who get all excited about new tech but not about humanities
* My kids are reading the same books (Romeo and Juliet, the Outsiders, Of Mice and Men) that I did a billion years ago. There is very little growth in humanities teaching, and what growth there is has to do with tech (eg, teach them to use effing ChatGPT).
* Parental obsession with AP exams, college prestige, gaming the system, etc actually keeps kids from learning. So many kids get into prestige colleges because parents have done all they can to get them there, but the kids themselves haven’t done the hard work (and hard work sometimes comes with lower grades, which helicopter parents can’t stomach)
*Private schools are not doing a better job overall. Please don’t use your own personal anecdote to prove this wrong; the data shows that this is generally true across the board, though your personal school system may vary.
On the last point, it’s intuitive that private schools are free to do much better or more worse, either way, and parents choose private schools for reasons other than academics all of the time. I think it would be as silly to go by “overall” metrics as it would be to go by an irrelevant anecdote here.
Yes, I agree. This is a very good point.
As to your last point re: private schools, that’s interesting to me as a public school parent. In general, I’m fairly happy with the quality of instruction my kids receive at their public high school. That said, I feel like the writing instruction is very bare-bones. The English classes seem too large for meaningful instruction, especially since the English department has taken the ridiculous political position that there will be no differentiation based on ability (until they get to AP classes). So kids who are struggling to read on grade level and kids who could do OK in a college course get to suffer together. I feel like it drives bright students away from the humanities because English classes are so dull and ideological.
You said the quiet part out loud: pushy parents are a huge part of the problem. Formal academics at young ages is correlated with worse outcomes, not better. Now we’ve gotten ourselves into a jam insisting fluent reading needs to happen in kindergarten, which is not appropriate for many kids and crowds out the other things that need to happen to prep the brain to learn and succeed
I hate to say it but I think this will become a big class divide. My kids are in private school and though they are writing less in middle school than I did at their age they are still writing – it starts with a few paragraphs/1pg in 6th and talking through revisions in class/grammar/etc. It then proceeds to easy research papers (2-3 sources, not google) by 7th, and more detailed papers in 8th. This is also in services of the kids needing to write their essays for high school applications and for AP exams in History/English topics.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be paying for that private school.
That’s what my kids did in 3rd grade in our private schools, not middle school.
Oh please.
My kids are in public elementary school in NJ and are absolutely doing a good amount of writing (including my autistic son in an inclusion classroom). This varies SO wildly and it’s weird to see people projecting their own experiences as universal. I promise, lots of kids are still learning how to write!
There’s something to this. Not all teachers are strong writers either or have ever been prepared to teach writing. But even teachers who are strong writers themselves sometimes have the opinion that it’s not an important skill anymore thanks to technology. This may be sour grapes, since other teaches say that they would love to focus more on reading and writing and literacy skills, but they simply don’t have that much control and can get in trouble for reallocating class time.
AP courses still have to teach exam essays at a minimum. But there are complaints that teaching to the test means that some AP courses now only assign short readings and short essays since reading entire books or writing longer papers won’t be tested.
There are still opportunities to learn to write in college if a student takes advantage of them. But there are reasons why parents who can afford it supplement K12 instruction if it’s clear that their kids’ school isn’t getting to everything they hoped it would.
This blows my mind. How is it even possible that anybody, let alone a teacher, doesn’t think that written communication skills are important?
I teach 6th grade social studies at a private school and my kids have writing assignments every week for both social studies and English. We also spend ~ 6 weeks on an 8-10 page research paper: developing a research question, developing a thesis statement, the research process, evaluating sources, organizing your writing, writing drafts and revising, and properly citing sources.
The format of the writing assignments changes (DBQ, paragraph / short answer responses to questions about the material, traditional essays, creative writing assignments about the material, scripts for presentations or skits), but they are writing every week either in class or for homework. I try to mix up what the assignment asks them to do too: critical thinking, textual or primary source analysis, connections to their lives now, something requiring research or reading to learn to answer the question, and a variety of styles of creative writing (expository, descriptive, persuasive, narrative and also a variety of formats (brochure, newspaper article, diary entry).
I provide written feedback on everything and provide edits for grammar and style in addition to organization and content. I allow everything to be rewritten for an improved grade, but to do so they have to meet with me to go over edits.
It’s a ton of work abc only feasible because I teach 4 classes of approx 15 students and I have between 2-4 free periods a day. We have great librarians, a writing center, and awesome collaboration between the English and history departments. This is why parents pay $50k a year for their 12 year old.
I was previously an intelligence analyst and then a policy analyst before becoming a teacher. I cannot tell you how many decently high up government employees cannot write. Too many otherwise capable, fully grown adults with masters degrees who cannot write clearly or intelligently. Ensuring the future leaders can appropriately write, research, and think was my main motivation in becoming a teacher. Sure, I think the content is interesting and I like it but I always say I don’t teach content, I teach skills and the content is just the vehicle to teach those skills.
It sounds like you are doing great work! I would go a little further and embrace the idea of teaching content since it’s what you’re doing anyway, and I’m persuaded it is part of what works.
Yes, but they’ll learn this content again (in more depth) in 11th grade.
I’m setting them up with the skills to succeed in 11th grade and then that teacher will further refine those skills and drill the content.
This is why people pay for private school.
+1.
“$50k a year for their 12 year old.” ahem RICH people
Yes. People on the moms page love to defend public school, but it’s trash now in a lot of areas (as are many private schools). And parents are just outsourcing their kids’ education, so they also are asleep at the wheel. It’s depressing.
I’m a public school stan, but not because I think it’s the best education, and I do think we are in a race to the bottom in the country. I support it because we need to walk the talk — we can’t get up in arms about what “those people” are doing to education (and honestly it’s both political parties, as well as tiger parents who need academics to start at age 3), and preach equity and acceptance and all the other things on that yard sign, and then send our own kids to private.
For some kids and some situations private school makes sense. But in general, we need to be part of the rising tide that floats all boats, and we have to have a dog in the race in our communities (okay I’ll stop with the metaphors). What good is it to privilege our own children, when it’s the collective group of children that will be our society in 30 years?
At home, we foster a love of learning and prioritize the intangibles that REALLY lead to critical thinking — and it’s not worksheets in preK or multiplication in first grade! My kids will be absolutely fine. I’m in it to make a difference for other people’s kids, too.
I’m glad you’re in a position to make sure your kids will be fine! But I think people do need to be realistic because school can be the place where things went wrong. Since you refer to your community as a community and your kids as privileged, I’m guessing you don’t live in the kind of place where it’s MAGA kids who are privileged and where kids who even want a good education are outnumbered and stigmatized.
And I’d still rather my future doctor went to a good school (especially if we’re going to be less able to rely on other countries’ investments in K12 education going forward).
You are welcome to prioritize your political views over your children, if that’s what gives you the warm fuzzies. I think that’s as weird as fundies homeschooling because it’s “in line with their values”, though.
What I’m saying is we shouldn’t bemoan the gutting of public systems, while simultaneously opting out / helping to further gut the public school system (fewer kids means less funding, etc). I’m not prioritizing politics over my kids; I think this is the way we make a better country for my kids and all kids, by staying involved.
Where I grew up, the schools were well funded. That didn’t make them value academics. They spent the money on other stuff.
Perhaps it’s time to stop “bemoaning the gutting” of a system you know doesn’t work for many kids and disproportionally doesn’t work for poor and minority kids. Perhaps that is a system that should, in fact, be gutted. You may strongly disagree with others on how it should be gutted, but it’s crazy to just say “well, gotta throw my kids into a system I don’t think works to keep up my liberal street cred!”
There it is, the dog whistle.
How is this a dog whistle? I live in a school district that is currently updating the high school’s pool while claiming it lacks the resources to expand free early childhood education. I’m a liberal, and I think that’s a system that deserves to be gutted. It’s ass backwards.
Part of this issue is school funding is so complex. Maybe the pool was paid for by a grant from the state allocated for “health and fitness” or something, and the early childhood ed is funded in a different way. School money is not one big pot; there’s a lot of sources of revenue and specific rules for spending
Hey, you’ve identified a part of the system that should change! Congrats! A system should not be set up in a way that means a pool gets money and little kids don’t.
I mostly agree with you, but I also think that there need to be some hard conversations at public schools about how instruction isn’t one size fits all and differentiation isn’t morally wrong (especially in middle and high school). There are way, way too many teachers and principals in the public system who view advanced classes as a tool of oppression even though any kid can enroll in any class.
Yes, I’m for sure in agreement there is room for improvement and reform. And while one political group is burning books and pushing creationism, another is insisting we’re all the same kumbaya and let’s focus on social stories instead of math. I am all for change. But it’s always better to do it from within
Related: I think liberal politicians who put their kids in private schools should face a bit more criticism than is popular at the moment. I know every kid and situation is different, blah blah blah, but when a politician sends their own kid to $50k/year prep school, they are making a statement about their personal beliefs, like it or not.
You’re not doing right by your child
my kid was in a local writing competition in 7th and 8th grade and went to state level both years… but it’s alarming how many times his advanced ELA teacher would assign essays and then just not grade them because “it was for the love of learning”. he would also do insane things like assign an essay AND another digital method of presenting the information like audiobook, slideshow, etc. All the kids just planned to use AI for the second thing, it was so dumb.
Having to do both a written document and a presentation about it is extremely common in my line of work and seems like a useful skill to learn.
I’m in the market for a new wallet. I want a wallet keychain combo. It’s what I have right now, but mine is a cheap one from Amazon that is wearing out. I want something nicer but not expensive (under $100 preferably). I like having a wristlet strap, and small card holder wallet that is preferably enclosed in some way, and a place for keys. Any leads?
Check out Hobo! My last several wallets have been from Hobo and they’ve been great. Soft leather, nice colors and styles.
https://www.hobobags.com/collections/leather-womens-wallets
Ring credit card wristlet is on sale for $35
Jean accordion card case is $88
Check Portland Leather to see if anything there strikes your fancy.
This strap can go wristlet or crossbody and link to your phone too.
https://www.designedforjoy.com/products/adjustable-crossbody-straps-copy?variant=41395517358151
I got this one from Marc Jacobs at Christmas
https://www.marcjacobs.com/us-en/the-leather-top-zip-multi-wallet/2S4SMP010S02-624.html
I was recently diagnosed with a genetic condition, I suspect most of my family has it too. However my family is not great and they use information to leverage against me, and one of the reasons it took so long to see a geneticist was that my whole childhood I was told my problems were ‘normal’ and I was being ‘dramatic’. This diagnosis might help my family members, especially older ones get appropriate care, but it also opens me up to liability and there’s a good chance they won’t go get their own diagnoses. Thoughts on what to do?
I think this depends so much on the diagnosis. Is it severe, progressive, debilitating, deadly etc.
Not deadly, but progressive and debilitating without proper preventative care.
If you were recently diagnosed, you should still have access to a genetics counselor with background in exactly this area (how to tell family including families that are resistant or hostile).
It’s not just a matter of how but a matter of if.
The genetics counselors I saw absolutely advised on the “if” question too. You may need to convey that it’s an “if” question for you. (It wasn’t for me, so I was surprised how much they talked about it actually!)
How would your own diagnosis open you up to liability? Why can’t you just tell your family “hi, I was diagnosed with X. It’s genetic so you should get tested too.”
And then, who cares? Whether they choose to get care is on them. When my cousin was diagnosed with celiac disease this is what she did. The rest of us got tested at annual physicals and many of us were diagnosed with it too. It was a big non-issue.
Yeah, I don’t understand the reference to liability.
Same and I’m a lawyer.
I think she means emotional liability- that they’ll weaponize the diagnosis (dismiss it, mock it etc).
+1, yes, I think so too.
I wonder if it’s not liability in the legal sense, but that her family will blame her for having the disease — not in a logical way but because she’s the one it “originated” with since she’s the one who discovered it. Families be crazy, especially those that don’t believe symptoms can be from real medical problems. There’s a lot of emotions from being diagnosed with something, including anger, & they’re gonna send those emotions OPs way.
This is what I did when I was diagnosed with neurofibromatosis type 1. I do suspect other family members have it but I never followed up to see if they e spoken with their doctors.
Obviously your relationships with your family are fraught in some way that we can’t quite understand, not knowing your family. It sounds that you fear your older relatives would use your diagnosis against you if they knew about it? Do you have ANY older relative with whom you have a trusting relationship, that you could talk with about this?
I am not sure about the liability point? Absent that, I only share medical information with friends and family members I can trust.
In what world could this “open you up to liability”? I think you should talk to someone about your cognitive distortions.
I think you need to talk to someone about learning to read and think critically. It can be understood that it’s not a legal “liability” as others have noted.
Take care of yourself first. For now you’re not comfortable sharing so don’t. In the future that might change and you could.
Do you have any safe family members who you could tell? Are there people who seem more likely to get the diagnosis than others? If a couple of people got the diagnosis maybe that would help. If grandpa hasn’t been to the doctor in the past 20 years, there’s absolutely no point in telling him.
IDK, she could feel like she did her duty by telling him instead of just watching him suffer. What he does with that information isn’t her burden to bear but silence might feel like a burden.
I wonder if you could share something less personal, like oh hey I came across this information about a genetic condition and it made me think of some clusters of symptoms I see in our family, I wonder if any of us would qualify for a diagnosis (without saying you’ve already been diagnosed). You don’t have to share your personal information, and it’s not on you if others don’t take care of themselves, but passing along some general information as an FYI might be enough to encourage them to take action. Or at least assure you that you’ve done enough for them. Depends on the diagnosis, is it one they might stigmatize, and I’m guessing they do not have much awareness of their symptoms if they have been gaslighting you so much. To which I say again, it’s not on you and not your responsibility to fix that.
I am a partner at a small law firm and my most important client is going to be on maternity leave for their second kid soon. Should I send her a baby gift and if so, what would be an appropriate gift? I don’t have her home address, so I would likely send it to her office. I don’t know her that well obviously. No budget, but I think maybe around $50 to $100?
I would send a Steiff plush animal and maybe a bottle of champagne for the parents or chocolates if you know they don’t drink.
I know people on this board hate Amazon, but if it were me, I would send her an Amazon gift card.
One of my favorite presents with my second was a large Target gift card. We didn’t “need” anything, but it was so nice to go there for basics and not have a big bill at the end.
Same. Target or Amazon gift card all the way!
I was in this situation and got a baby blanket from Pottery Barn — that’s probably the right amount of nice but formal.
I’m a partner at a law firm and literally just bought my client a baby blanket from Pottery Barn, personalized with the baby’s name. She seemed to really like it!
As the recipient in this situation, I received and loved hooded baby towels personalized with my kids’ names from PB Kids. Never would have spent the money on them, but adorable and well used. We got soooo many blankets, so personally would skip that.
+1 this — I loved the Pottery Barn hooded towels that were gifted to me.
Go to your local fancy gift store with a children’s gift section – every city has that store. Buy something frivolous under $100 that made you smile when you saw it – think an extra frufru dress for a girl or a sailor suit for a boy, a posh slightly quirky stuffed animal, then a small age appropriate present for the first child.
Although the Door Dash gift card idea is more practical, I feel like this is the way to go for an important client.
Send her a DoorDash gift card for $100.
That’s my go to gift for new parents.
In the reverse situation (outside counsel working closely with an in-house law department), they sent me a basket of personalized cookies which I loved. They got my home address from my assistant and had it sent to my house, and I was not at all bothered by that.
Honestly, if you’re close enough to want to send a personal gift, I don’t think it’s weird to ask a trusted colleague/assistant/boss of the pregnant client if they could share a home address. Or alternatively, ask her directly and letting her know it is for this limited purpose.
Not to be a compliance buzzkill – but a gift card could trigger some anti-corruption/gifts issues under her policies as you are a vendor. I would go for a tangible or consumable item, even though I totally support gift cards for other new families
Yes! I’m pregnant and outside counsel just gave me a sweet gift yesterday I think it’s a nice client relations move. A pretty baby blanket and a card.
You know your client best, but my favorite work gift with my first was a baby spoon from Tiffany. It was fancy without being crazy expensive, and was actually useful!
Aden + Anais Swaddle blankets plus a board book or two for the older child. The swaddle blankets are so useful. Come in a ton of colors. Are about sixty bucks for a five pack.
Just wanted to offer a thanks to this board. A few months ago, I wrote in when I needed a biopsy after an inconclusive mammogram. Everything ultimately turned out fine. This week, my mom experienced a similar inconclusive mammogram, and I found myself repeating lots of the advice I received here. Especially one poster who pointed out that if I had been having yearly mammograms, then if there is something, we would have caught it early. My mom goes in for her biopsy on Monday. It’s scary, but I also feel a lot better because of the advice and support I received earlier in the year.
I’m glad everything turned out fine for you and hope it will turn out fine for your mom as well. Best wishes!
I’m leaving a law firm for the first time where there’s a possibility that clients may come with me to a new firm. The biggest issue with this is that I’m moving from a middle class estate planning firm to a HNW/UHNW firm and my billable rate is going to be higher than some of my current partners. Not many of my current clients will be able to afford to come over or will be a good fit for my new firm. As I’m working to get a list together of clients to notify and prepare transition material in the event that they stay with my current firm, my practice group partner keeps saying “you need to take x client with you”. I’m very confused because it’s not really up to me, it’s up to the client. When I pointed this out, he said I need to negotiate with my new firm to keep my old hourly rate for the clients I bring over, which seems like a bad idea. I know this partner is pissed I’m leaving because another partner retired earlier this year and we had to absorb his clients.
Any tips on how to navigate this?
He’s right. You should be negotiating with your new firm to be able to bring over old clients at your lower rate
You can try to negotiate with your new firm a lower rate for some clients, but in my experience, it is unlikely that they will adjust much. I would realistically not expect many of your clients to move over with you if the rates are significantly higher. If the partner at your old firm doesn’t want to work with them, those clients will just end up finding a new firm. It is what it is.
[I work at a big law firm in T&E, and the rates are exorbitant for most “normal” rich people.]