Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Pandora Stretch Wool Stirrup Pants
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Are stirrup pants making a comeback? Because 1992 Elizabeth is going to be pretty excited about this.
These gray, wool pants from Dries Van Noten might be a bit too fashion-forward for a lot of white-collar offices right at this moment, but I’m going to be watching with bated breath to see if this is an aberration or the start of a trend.
The pants are $1,225 at Saks Fifth Avenue and come in sizes 6-12.
Sales of note for 8/12/25:
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your full price purchase, and $99 dresses and jackets — extra 60% off sale also
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles with code
- Dermstore – Anniversary sale, up to 25% off everything
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles & up to 60% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything and extra 60% off clearance
- Mejuri – Up to 25% off everything
- M.M.LaFleur – New August drop, and up to 70% off sale – try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Neiman Marcus – Last call designer sale! Spend $200, get a $50 gift card (up to $2000+ spend with $500 gift card)
- Nordstrom – 9,800+ new women's markdowns
- Rothy's – Ooh: limited edition T-strap flats / Mary Janes
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – Semi-annual red door sale! 50% off all markdowns + extra 20% off already marked-down items
I can’t see a use case for these other than with boots.
You can just say “use”. You aren’t selling software
🤦
+1. No need to incorporate business speak into everyday conversation
I can’t see a use case for this sort of rude comment.
Co-sign. Not to yuck on someone’s yum but no way.
Also consider that ROI as measured by $/use would be low considering I would never wear them because they are ugly.
OMG this is making me laugh so hard. I am remembering wearing my stirrup pants in the 80s with big socks and sneakers, a HUGE tee, and VERY BIG HAIR.
Good morning! I used to be a DC Metro commuter on the Orange / Blue lines. Now, for a return trip, how is Metro these days? I remember service was bad during COVID. Looking to return and will need to get to / from Catholic U (mainly) and area hospitals.
The trains run more often than during Covid. They are basically back to pre-covid levels.
You always have the risk of a random fire or other issue. But that’s a long standing problem.
I ride metro for doing social things, not for a work commute, but it’s fine.
Fine. Just like always.
Is it possible for a woman to have a deep, close friendship with a man where they talk about things like their relationship to their spouse, their sex life, their crushes on others, their personal challenges, etc? When does it become inappropriate and why is it any different than a friendship between women? Does it have to do with whether they are attracted to each other? Whether this friendship is out in the open? Frequency of contact?
I have a very close male friend who is also a fellow researcher. We are working on a multiple-year research project together and have worked at the same institution for years. I am not attracted to him physically. I do not fantasize about sleeping with him. I am emotionally closer to him than I am to most people and I want to be near him every day. I love him as a friend. I think he loves me as a friend. We have a very powerful mental and emotional chemistry. If we succeed in our research, it will be socially significant, so we are extremely invested in this joint project.
I sometimes get confused about what this relationship is. Is that just social norms nagging at me? Or is there something wrong with this? How do I know?
I think it’s possible if BOTH people agree this is just a friendship and nothing could ever happen. Most often wgst happens is one person feels that way while the other is trying to make something happen — sometimes not initially but over time as attraction grows. I had one such friendship but we were college kids not grown adults in marriages. The reason it worked though is we were each not the others type and we were of different cultures and faiths and marrying within our own cultures and faiths was a priority for both of us. That led to a friendship that was only friendship and never more.
Sounds like ya wanna bang. Maybe he’s not conventionally your type but you’re obsessed with him. It’s not about male and female friendships generally it’s about you and this specific dude you want to climb like a tree
yup
Did we read the same thing? She specifically said she isn’t attracted to him. Platonic relationships are real.
She also said basically she burns for him and yearns to spend every day near him.
If you have never felt this way about someone you didn’t want to bang, I guess I’m informing you that the range of human experience is broader than what you’re familiar with.
Even if they don’t want to bang right at this moment, is this “very powerful” chemistry ok when one party is coupled? If the spouse signs off on it, that would make it ok.
OP, ask yourself if you’re ever deleting texts or hiding who you’re texting with or lying about how you’re spending your time.
And then complaining about spouses? Classic affair territory.
Yep they definitely want to bang eachother.
It’s an emotional affair. Whether or not that goes against your personal moral compass is up to you, but most people would consider this a form of infidelity. One way of knowing whether it’s acceptable is whether you would tell your spouse what you wrote here.
I’m curious about the part where you say “I think he loves me as a friend”. Do you have any doubt? Could the whole relationship be built on a fantasy? (Keep in mind that almost all affairs are built on a fantasy, but in this case, you aren’t even sure if the affair partner shares the fantasy).
Where did she say either of them were in other monogamous relationships?
“their spouse” I assume at least one of them is coupled
At least one of them appears to have a spouse to talk about.
Would you call it an emotional affair if it were another woman? (A lot of women friends talk about all these things!)
If her spouse was female, yes
Secrecy is the key indicator of an emotional affair. If the spouse is aware of the depth of the relationship, if they all hang out as friends, those would be clues that it’s NOT an emotional affair. We don’t know if those things are true here, but if it’s all aboveboard, why is OP even asking? (unless it’s a cute hypothetical to drive engagement here)
OP here.
Our spouses are aware of the friendship and do not have an issue with it. This is not a cute hypo. I have genuine curiosity and some confusion about this. I do not know why. There are lots of people I think of banging or that I fantasize about while masturbating. This person is not one of them. I think it’s a true platonic love and I believe in that, but I have not seen it a lot in others’ relationships.
If your spouses are aware then you’re fine. It’s fine.
Are your spouses aware that you talk about your problems with them with each other? No one think it is a cute hypo
OP, would you show your spouse this post? If not, you’ve got your answer.
I would. Anytime you are consistently turning to someone besides your spouse to have your emotional needs meet, I think it’s an emotional affair. I don’t care if you are attracted to that gender or not.
I personally feel it’s fine to turn to someone else on a specific topic. It’s when you always want to share everything with that person instead of your spouse that it becomes a problem
I’m pretty firmly monogamous, but I also didn’t think that I was volunteering to meet all my spouse’s emotional needs. I guess “consistently” and “everything” are your thresholds, but maybe the answer is more close friends instead of exactly one!
Yes exactly. Totally fine to have other people who fill important needs. But when one person is your everything. And they aren’t your spouse. That tends to get problematic.
I’m the Anon at 9:48, and it all turns on the level that you are turning to the other person.
I also agree that you shouldn’t expect your spouse to meet all your needs. But when you are always turning to someone else to have your emotional needs meet, it destroys the closeness that you should have with a spouse (unless you have both agreed to that). I’ve seen this issue with two friends of mine. One was married, but always turned to the other friend to discuss anything, get advice, share stories. Over a few years, it destroyed her relationship with her spouse because she was never turning towards him. They are now divorced.
+1. Even if you (supposedly) don’t want to sleep with this guy you want to be emotionally intimate with an opposite-gendered person. That’s a form of infidelity.
If your spouse or his spouse found out you’re discussing gardening I have a really hard time believing they’d be okay with it.
I have some very close relationships with men. They are either married or ex boyfriends. Counterintuitively, it’s easy to not have tension when you have already determined that you’re not the right people for each other.
It’s actually helped me a lot. Beyond the idea that you double your pool of potential close friends, being able to talk to men about stuff is so valuable. I get a perspective that I can’t get from my woman friends.
Coming out of an incredibly dysfunctional marriage, my guy friends saved me. Women could be all “Maybe this a guy thing we don’t understand.” To a man, they all said “WTF, I would never treat my wife that way,” and it saved my sanity.
+1
One of my closest friends is a guy. We met at university and share many mutual friends and acquaintances. We very, very briefly dated back in the day but it’s better for both of us that it didn’t work. We’ve both helped each other out through some tough times and I cherish our friendship.
I’ve known him quite literally twice as long as I’ve known by husband. If my husband were to see this relationship as an “emotional affair,” there would be a problem.
Since you are work colleagues, I would say that yes, this sounds inappropriate, and probably unprofessional. You shouldn’t discuss your sex life with a work colleague. I would also avoid going into details about relationship issues and crushes on other colleagues. My advice would be the same if your friendship was with someone who was the same gender as you. And even if you started out as friends before you started working together. Most of this sounds inappropriate to discuss with work colleagues. If you stopped working together and your friendship was only personal then fewer alarm bells go off for me. Though he may be viewing your relationship as intimate, even if you are talking about having sex with other people and that you are attracted to other people. I would stop discussing these things with him and keep your small talk to the water cooler variety.
Yup. And when one of you backs off and the other retaliates and you complain to faculty affairs, you will both look bad.
Yes, this! Talking about this stuff to work colleagues is inappropriate, period. I think it’s more inappropriate than it would be with another woman (assuming you’re both attracted to the oppos1te sex) but I think it’s inappropriate no matter what!
Fwiw complaining about your spouse to a close “Friend” of the oppos1te sex is a pretty standard way to initiate an affair. So consider whether he thinks you’re giving off overtures even if you think it’s 100% platonic.
Agree with this. Work is work and sex talk at work is icky.
I think people have forgotten that deep friendships do exist. They’re rare, but there are all types of people who you may have a strong relationship with. I have some family friends who we know because our grandfathers have been friends since they were in college and now they’re like family. Especially if this is fully out in the open, and since you are working together and invested, I don’t get why everyone is immediately jumping to conclusions.
Who said it’s fully out in the open? If so, I agree no issues
OP. “Our spouses are aware of the friendship and do not have an issue with it. “
She added that at the same time as my comment, so I hadn’t seen it.
Although I’m still curious if her spouse knows she talks about her sex life with this other guy, but I assume yes because she says everything is aboveboard.
Does her spouse know she wants to be around the guy all the time? That they talk about the spouse together?
Being aware of the friendship isn’t the same as being aware of what they’re talking about.
If you want to stay married, your closest emotional relationship should be with your spouse. If it’s not, you’re in troubled territory.
Honestly, I would be ok with feeling this way about anyone, male or female, who was not my husband. I’m not someone who believes that your spouse has to be your only close connection. But I’ve never described any friendship with words like “want to be near him every day.” Plus, once you are in a significant relationship, I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss the details of your sex life with friends. I would never do that to my husband, and would be hurt if he spoke about the details of our sex life. My view is that this friendship is far too intimate. Regardless of whether it’s a physical affair, it sounds like an emotional affair.
* Would not be be ok
Important word missed there
This. I also think there is a big difference when you’re talking about your sex lives and crushes on others and wanting to be near them every day. If my husband were to talk about his relationship with a woman this way, I’d be out the door. You don’t have to be everything to each other. But your spouse should hold a certain level of respect and that’s not it.
I tend to agree with this. I do believe in platonic friendships; however, the talk about each other’s s3x lives crosses the line, imo. Especially with a colleague.
that also was the one thing that tripped me up. I think het women and men can for sure be best friends, and can be very close without wanting to bang each other. I’ve been best friends with a guy since highschool, it was always 100% platonic, but others were always shipping us and making comments. It’s small minded and annoying.
However, I don’t discuss my sex life with anyone but my spouse, and I would be uncomfortable if my husband discussed it with his friends.
Bingo.
I’m the same re: discussing married sex life with friends (of any gender), but I think we’re in the minority here.
Really? Is this the minority view? Anyway I agree.
Same. Such a violation.
I don’t think it is a minority view!
Yeah, this is where I fall too.
I have a friend like this, and I think it’s totally possible for it to be okay. We have known each other for nine years at this point, and nothing physical has ever happened. At one point I had a crush on him, but we were both married and he still is, and I never acted on it. Eventually I got over it. Our spouses both knew we were intimate friends. My ex-husband knew I had a crush on the friend. FWIW I think this board skews very conservative when it comes to relationships.
I have a male friend I am very emotionally close with. We were FWB before I met my husband (but that ended a while before when he got a GF, and a few months later I met my now husband). He is on and off single and talks to me about his gardening life sometimes but I do not discuss gardening with my husband with him, and do not discuss the details of that relationship with him anymore. I did a bit when I first started dating husband, which was typical of anyone I was dating at the time, but stopped once it started getting serious. We have long, deep discussions about almost everything else. I really value his friendship a lot and would absolutely be there for him in anything. But we do not talk every day or even every week, nor do I want to talk to him every day. He came to my wedding (with a date) and has hung out with me and my husband many times and they both like each other. We’ve gone to sporting events together where he and my husband both love the team and I’m the third wheel. I do not say anything to him that I would not want my husband to hear (except to the extent we discuss my friend’s private concerns that are not my husband’s business).
So yes I think it is entirely possible to have platonic male-female friendships. I do not think you have that though, I think you have Feelings.
+1. I definitely have good, platonic male friends, but our friendship is nothing like OP described. Yes, we lightly complain about our spouses sometimes, but never discuss our sex lives, and I definitely do not need or want to be near him every day.
I think when you are co-creators or working closely on a project like this a closeness can develop that is maybe artificial — you might find that after the project ends and your relationship decreases you’re left feeling a bit hollow, like whether any of it was real.
I think this is the circumstance that might lead people to think they’re in love with someone else, should be with them, etc. Like how actors and actresses end up briefly with their costars.
If you can appreciate the relationship and friendship as it is today — the alignment and chemistry — without taking it over the line into something physical then you’re fine.
but yeah, i agree with the others – talking about your sex life isn’t appropriate (i tend to think that about talking about your sex life in general unless it’s a therapist)
I agree. People can underestimate the intimacy of creative, cooperative work. It is not something we want to just shut down and definitely not something we want to deny to women in the workplace (!).
But I would tread carefully with conversations about intimate and personal topics because I think that is part of how people get confused. I don’t like to talk about personal things with third parties anyway though (I feel like I value my spouse’s privacy above my BFF’s insights, but maybe that’s because I know my spouse is a very private person to begin with).
Don’t overthink it. There’s so much patriarchy baked into the question, which I realize is probably subconscious. It is totally fine.
Thank you for saying this. I’m the one who posted above about her guy friends saving her sanity, and I’m convinced that misogynists don’t want us to have healthy friendships with men because they don’t want accountability for how they (mis)treat women.
f the patriarchy, but “want to be near him every day” is wildly inappropriate. that’s not a platonic feeling.
Come on. People can feel this way about a new puppy. Of course it can be platonic.
I feel this way about my parents, my sister, my best friend. Totally platonic, obviously. The patriarchy is what tells us that “can’t be normal.” Fight back against those thoughts, girl!
+1 if it’s working for you then it’s working for you, doesn’t matter if there’s lots of people who would have a problem or don’t know how to have an emotionally fulfilling relationship without sexual tension.
(I myself have a big work/life boundary wall and am never more than friendly with coworkers, but otherwise think this sounds like a good friendship, though intense.)
I really don’t talk in detail about my relationship with my husband with my girlfriends either. That’s just an off-limits topic for me in general, so I can’t say whether it’s more inappropriate to talk about with a man friend than another woman.
I think it’s totally possible to have a close platonic friendship with a man, especially a coworker you see all the time, but the potential for it to get messy is there. I have had a “work husband” at each of my jobs and tbh I had a little crush on each of them at various times, though I never acted on it. I do think it’s healthy to have close friendships with people other than your spouse, and I love talking to other people about ideas, media, interests and hobbies, pipe dreams, etc. But I keep discussion of my family pretty superficial with all colleagues out of respect for my family relationships.
I have this. Men are people too, and real emotional depth and intimacy (I use that term broadly) is a great thing to experience with multiple people in life. I have a male best friend that I love this way, and I believe it’s reciprocated in that spirit. There are real social norms against this though (e.g., I remember my mom telling me that you can’t have male friends once you’re married, and sometimes people assume incorrect things. I would say the linchpin is 2 things: 1) it’s not a secret. both of our partners are aware of the friendship and the depth of it. I talk to my husband freely about my friend and our conversations and time together as appropriate. The other thing is (assuming you and friend are both straight) 2) both people need to be really honest with themselves about potential attraction/whether there’s a kernel of anything romantic. In my personal experience, this has not really been hard, but I know it can be for others.
As to the “when does it become inappropriate” question- I think it really depends. If I felt a strong pull to spend time with friend at the expense of spending significant or meaningful time with husband, that would be an issue. I personally don’t talk about my sex life in any great detail with anyone so I wouldn’t do that, but it could be different from others. I feel uncomfortable hearing about my friend’s complaints about their spouse, but that’s also a big and meaningful part of life and there’s no weird subtext so I don’t want to cut it off. I think you really need to feel out what feels inappropriate, and your friend and husband are a big part of that convo too.
Deep friendships ae truly incredible, and men are people too. I’m happy for you that you have this great thing.
Speaking about this: “their relationship to their spouse, their sex life, their crushes on others”” is completely inappropriate to discuss with another man if you are married.
You may not be attracted, but the guy certainly is maneuvering you in that direction.
Yes because men are also humans. I don’t know if this is a weird American thing, but I have a male best friend. We met at work but have been friends for a decade now. He’s married and I’m not. I’m not interested in breaking up his marriage either. That’s so absurd.
He definitely knows about my FWB, but he also knows about my colonoscopies. There certainly is social conditioning around male/female relationships but I also know when I’ve wanted more from my male friends. If you hope for something more, it’s not an appropriate relationship. I may differ from other people in that I don’t think that includes thinking someone is physically attractive. I can objectively think people are physically attractive without wishing they were into me. You definitely know when it’s different.
And I do “love” him as a feeling of closeness I would interchange with all of my close friends, minus my oldest friend who I consider part of my family (and is female). I feel for him as I would a cousin or sibling with who I share a close bond. I think it’s healthy for everyone to maintain opposite sex friends this way.
I do think you can have friendships, even deep friendships with the opposite sex, but what you describe here is not just a friendship, it is an emotional affair.
+1. I have plenty of close friends – both male and female – but the only person I want to be near every day is my husband.
And I would never, ever, discuss my married sex life with a co-worker. I don’t even discuss that with my close girl friends. Sure, we talked about that kind of stuff when we were newly dating or single, but I think it is a lot different when you are in a long term relationship or married.
This. I do not want to know about my friends’ sex lives with their husbands/serious partners, so I assume they don’t want to know about mine either. I did have a close coworker friend who told me high level funny stories about his single-guy dating and sex life, but I was already married and did not reciprocate.
This is an emotional affair.
You’ve already crossed a line if you’re closer to this guy than your husband.
I had a co-worker who I became close friends with. He was older than me and not my boss, but became a mentor to me. We are both married and his wife became one of my friends as well. He and my husband also became friends. My coworker and I would go for walks at lunch almost everyday and mostly talked about work stuff, but also sometimes talked about our relationships, including sometimes complaining. I was not attracted to him at all and am not into age-gap relationships (for myself. I don’t care whether other people are). It never felt inappropriate at all. He never made me feel like he was attracted to me or like he wanted to cross any lines. He was always completely appropriate. My husband knew and his wife knew we were spending our lunch breaks going for walks. Now he is retired and I still get together with just him, with just his wife, or with the two of them together.
+ 1. Working in a male dominated industry I ended up with a male mentor and some dear male friends. None of them ever made me feel icky, or threatened my relationship with my husband. We did dinners together with our spouses/partners.
You’ve crossed professional boundaries.
Stop talking about sex and crushes if you want to reset.
Or carry on for further entanglement.
Can anyone recommend a protein powder that you use that has no negative gut impacts not even bloating. Also is there a way to use protein powders if you are not inclined to make a smoothie every day? Will also take recommendations for protein bars that taste ok and again no gut issues.
My dr is recommending adding a protein supplement as I’m mostly vegetarian and kind of at my limit for milk, Greek yogurt, nuts. FWIW I’ve posted here before regarding a possible heart surgery – she wants me to start upping my protein in advance even if it’s just a supplement a few days per week.
I stir it into my oatmeal or chia pudding. I’ve never made a smoothie with protein powder.
Not what you’re asking but do you eat “beyond” meat? Also suggesting lentils or edamame to up your vegetarian protein. FWIW, protein bars make me constipated so I’m not a fan.
I add whey protein to my coffee every morning. Currently using the trendy Puroi because everyone has a coupon code.
I also add protein powder to my coffee every morning. I use Optimum Gold Standard whey protein powder from Costco. I mix it with a milk-frother and that helps so it is not clumpy.
For protein bars, I like the Kind Max Protein bars. They are not too sweet and have a good amount of protein – I think it’s 20g per bar. They’ve become my go-to quick breakfast when I don’t have time for something else. I have never had gut issues from them. My son is very fond of the Clif Builder bars and while I don’t mind them, I prefer the Kind bars.
One protein powder I do not like is the vanilla flavored Orgain. It is extremely sweet and that is coming from someone who has a major sweet tooth.
I like the Built puff protein bars. They are one of the only ones that don’t taste like cardboard. Years ago I used to get Special K protein bars. Not sure if they still make them, but they were good to.
It’s not vegetarian, but I use Ancient Nutrition Multi-Collagen Protein. It’s unflavored, so I mix a scoop or two into my oatmeal or coffee in the morning, but you can also just mix it into a glass of water in a pinch. When I use it regularly, I actually find that it improves my digestion.
I like unflavored Naked Pea protein, although once my current bin is gone I don’t plan to order more (of this or any other protein powder) due to the concerns about heavy metals and not much regulation to keep them out. In your shoes, it sounds like you are not strictly vegetarian. Can you add some occasional eggs, fish, or chicken to increase your protein intake?
I do eat a lot of seeds, peanut butter, beans, legumes, and whole grains and get most of my protein that way. Is it realistic to have no gut impacts at all, not even initially, if you are changing your diet? Could you ease into new foods so any gut impacts are not so detrimental that you avoid the longer term benefits?
Collagen is the only one that my stomach doesn’t hate, but it’s not vegetarian.
Only way to know if any given protein powder will cause gastric upset in you is to try it out.
Everything with whey upsets my stomach. I’ve had good luck with Truvani and Earthchimp. The latter mixes better into more things.
Whey contains lactose. If you’re sensitive to dairy it will be hard on your stomach
I’m mostly vegan, so I when I’m in a hurry I occasionally throw some protein powder into a smoothie or grab a protein bar, but it’s not major part of my diet. I’ve been fine with the Orgain vegan organic unflavored protein powder and switch between aloha bars, kind max, and the kind breakfast bars with protein (these don’t have tons of protein but are less processed and taste better). But mostly I eat a lot of beans and tofu, also a big fan of hemp and chia seeds and nutritional yeast, if you’re looking for other ways to add a little protein and are sick of dairy and nuts.
I am vegetarian and focused on protein. I use a whey protein powder, stir it into cold coffee or cold water with a splash of milk and chug it. I don’t enjoy the taste but can drink it. Cold liquid makes that easier for me and it’s gone in 60 seconds. I think cold coffee works better, so I keep cold coffee in my refrigerator for this purpose.
I buy the BodyStrong Whey Protein Isolate in the Natural Milk Chocolate. The vanilla flavor is disgusting and I didn’t like the chocolate that wasn’t the “natural” milk chocolate.
I don’t have bloating problems in general. So I cannot speak to that aspect.
I also switched to ultra filtered milk to increase the protein content of the milk that I add to my coffee that I drink for enjoyment. I eat a lot of cottage cheese and egg dishes also and some tofu.
Koia protein shakes (from the refrigerated section) don’t cause bloat for me. Looks like Koia makes a protein powder so maybe that could be an option to check out. I’ve seen some people stir in chocolate protein powder with yogurt and peanut butter (creamy or PBfit). I haven’t tried that yet, but could be an idea if you already eat Greek yogurt.
Dry milk powder or peanut butter powder.
I’ve picked up a canister of almond powder. That’s the only ingredient. Trying not to do artificial protein powders. If you can tolerate almonds, that might work.
You can use protein pancake mix to make things like muffins, cookies, etc, if you just want to sneak protein into other things. Barilla protein plus pasta still has some regular wheat in it, so it tastes better than other alternative pastas. I also get a lot of protein out of roasted edamame for snacks.
If you’re specifically looking to improve recovery from surgery, I took a supplement called Juven. It seems mostly to be for decrepit old people who don’t eat properly, but I figured I might as well hedge my bets. It is way overpriced for what you get, but I had a coupon. You can read the active ingredients and buy other products that contain the same thing for less. Later I took other animo supplements, like Thorne amino complex.
Promix Whey Isolate
Has anyone ever put down a lot more than 20% on a house to minimize the monthly payment? I’ll save the long story but we ended up in a position where we’re a bit cash-heavy now. We’d like to buy a small house (which, in the Bay Area, means $$$) but we’re nervous about stretching for a monthly payment that requires two salaries because of DOGE’s effect on our work. I think we’d feel more comfortable draining down some cash reserves and possibly cashing in some investments to do a larger down payment instead, but obviously that carries risks too. Has anyone ever done this for these reasons? I know plenty of people pay more than 20% simply because they can.
I mean, many people pay cash for houses so yes this happens all the time.
I’m curious to see the responses here since we’re considering the same thing. We received a one-time cash gift from family that allows us to buy a more expensive home. Interest rates are so high that we don’t expect the market, CDs, or other investments will outpace our mortgage rate. We don’t see a benefit to holding onto that extra cash.
Yes. This depends on current interest rates. If interest rate for a mortgage is at 4 percent, you should not put down cash. That cash would do better in other investments, which will make money that you can later use to pay off the mortgage. If interest rate for a mortgage is seven or 8%, it’s a decent place to park cash if you account for inflation and the risk of investing it elsewhere and making less than that return.
I have a property with a full mortgage that I got years ago when interest was very low and another I bought in cash when rates were high.
This, do the math.
We put around 50% down to feel better about the monthly payments.
We did, too. No regrets (only one year in).
Same. Our monthly payment still requires 2 salaries (HCOL area) to live comfortably in other areas, but we could theoretically afford it on 1 salary — at least for the short term — and that was important to us when buying our current home.
+1
I have considered it. But in the end, I invested the extra cash because I could get a low rate mortgage.
There are two components of it. First, how much will it improve your emotional health to have a lower monthly bill? Only you can know the answer to that. Second, could you do significantly better off investing the money, even in a low-risk place? This is just a financial equation that depends on what type of mortgage rate you can get.
We thought about doing this when we were thinking about buying a house in CA because I don’t think we would have qualified for a mortgage otherwise (we have a lot of savings but low incomes, relative to housing prices). Instead we moved somewhere cheaper and put 40% down because we had the cash and interest rates were so high that it made more sense than taking out a bigger mortgage.
But I don’t think it makes sense from the perspective of worrying about losing your jobs. In that case, you’re better off with cash in hand (or in some combination of a high yield savings account and a brokerage account). You might have to move or pay a lot more for healthcare or who knows what else and there are no guarantees you can get a home equity loan under those circumstances. I’d only consider this if you would still have enough cash for a very large emergency fund, also keeping in mind that the first year of buying a new house tends to be expensive.
Yes. This is common. Probably less so among first time buyers but absolutely common.
I think you need to strike a balance between the savings (and/or perhaps NEED for the savings/lower payment) in lower monthly payments vs the earning the extra cash you’d apply toward a down payment could achieve in other investments. It’s too Monday Morning for my brain to rationalize through that at the moment to arrive at an answer but that’s how I’d start my assessment of whether it was a good idea or not.
Agree — much more common on non-first houses. I see people reinvest almost all of the house money, especially now that rates are high, so they eventually have a paid off house (vs getting something like a shorter mortgage).
Yes, putting as much down as you can is totally common (and a good idea).
It’s only a good idea if mortgage rates are high and you expect them to stay high. When mortgage rates are low, it’s a financially bad idea.
This. depends on interest rates. We put no money down on the house we bought in 2012 at 3% (VA loan). If I were going to buy today, I’d put as much down as I could comfortably, because interest rates are 7%ish, and I don’t think they’ll move significantly any time soon, and long term stock market appreciation is in that general vicinity.
Presumably she’s talking right now. Have you seen the rates right now? Good idea.
Yes, we put down ~50% because we had a cash gift from a family member that was intended specifically for buying a house. Our mortgage rate is around 6.5% so to me it felt like a bit of a wash to put the money into the house versus in the market, but we went with the house so that we could easily pay our mortgage + expenses on one salary if we needed to.
Yes 70% in low interest rates, and no regrets.
We put down 25% to be a more competitive bid, but in general I think having the cash on hand would give you more flexibility. You can put the cash toward extra principal payments if you want, but it also gives you flexibility as an emergency fund.
You could also look into an ARM. I know that’s not very popular around here, but we did it in 2022 and got a rate under 4% for the first 10 years. (We are planning to refinance to fixed if rates get back to 5%ish.) It allowed us to have a sustainable monthly payment, and we are knocking down the principal and making space for other financial goals over this decade
Yes we put about 50% down (in a LCOL area, not Bay Area!) We really wanted the mortgage payments to be affordable on one salary.
We debated doing this about a year ago (above 7% interest rate). We decided to stay at 20% down and reserve extra the cash for any surprise fixes in the first year or two – we knew we needed a new roof and expected other things would crop up. And they did. When those projects were done and we had extra cash left, we made advance payments against the principal (which shortens the mortgage but doesn’t decrease the monthly amounts). We’ve debated recasting it (which would decrease monthly payment, we get one free recast) but are more likely to refinance as rates have come down.
We did it on our first house, and are probably going to do it again. Having low monthly mortgage payments has been good for our mental health; I know it’s a trade-off with maybe that money could do better in the market, but low mortgage payments has meant we’ve been able to build our savings and investments up again pretty quickly.
Yes, absolutely, the only reason I haven’t paid off our mortgage is because I got it in the low rate era but today I’d just pay cash.
We paid cash for our house.
Stirrup pants have always been an abomination, please do not let them come back
My first impulse was to check the calendar – is it April 1st already? j/k
Stirrup pants, at $1,225? GTFO.
Lol
MY EYES. Seriously, these were never good.
I thought this might be an April Fools day post!
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it…may the youths save themselves.
I last wore stirrup pants in 1988. I have no desire to wear them ever again.
I loved stirrup pants and be happy to see them come back, but only with boots! Being able to see the strap at the bottom, negates the entire purpose of creating a clean line.
+1. And the only thing that’s worse than stirrup pants is wool stirrup pants. Why?
And also? I am short so a lot of the stirrup pants would be too long and bag at the ankles. Not a good luck.
What do you do when your stressors outweigh your ability to cope? I’m in the midlife sandwich of having kids at home with parents who are experiencing some health issues. I’m working full-time in a job that I no longer like but need to tolerate for a bit longer. Emotionally, it is so much. It feels like there’s something to process every single day. I try to take care of myself, but it’s not really working.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this. When things are truly just too much, I’ve found the best answer is medication. It can be low dose, it can be temporary, and it can be such a huge help to you in moments like this.
I’ve also had to accept that while my father wants me to be a full time caregiver and while that probably would improve his quality of life, I cannot. I can arrange a home help aid but I cannot field calls at all hours of the day or night.
+100.
This. Your parents are functional adults who could manage their own health needs as other adults do. Not only that, but they have each other. Your father can accompany your mother on her doctor’s visits and your mother can make sure that your father takes his pills in the morning. At this stage, you can provide sympathy but you don’t need to provide caretaking.
My spouse and I have terminally ill parents and young kids (one is a toddler with life threatening food allergies so that’s a big stressor by itself). I hear you and it’s hard. I started talking to a therapist and that helped. But what really clicked for me was when I realized my therapist was really focused on week by week was making sure: 1) I’m moving my body each day 2) Eating good food and drinking water 3) getting enough sleep. All three are really simple and I know it sounds silly on the surface, but when I’m feeling really overwhelmed, I do everything to strip everything back to the bare minimum and focus on these three things.
Are you asking for therapy? How to tell your supervisor or team at work? How to hire help? How to prioritize? Help thinking through options? There is a lot going on here and it’s totally understandable that you’re overwhelmed
Probably how to prioritize. The situations aren’t going to change anytime soon. I realize the job needs to be a distant third, although that’s difficult, practically speaking. My mom is currently in and out of the hospital; it’s hard to predict what is really needed at this point.
You’ve gotta start half assing your job as much as possible without getting fired.
That’s what I did when I was Going Through It, and I still got great reviews and a promotion the next year after things calmed down.
I did this and I promise it’s the only way I got through it. Turned out work barely noticed.
Others may disagree but I figure out my needs first and then others come second. It does my family no good if my job is on the line or if I’m too frazzled to help with anything. Let the kids step up, maybe even also go help their grandparents with things. My husband is also a big help in balancing the load. Ask yours for some extra assistance. I don’t personally find therapy helpful, sometimes life is just a lot. I will get a massage in lieu of a therapy appointment though.
Set the expectations bar real low. Get through one day at a time, or survive one hour at a time. And if no loved ones are seriously hurt by the end of the day, that was a successful day.
I went through a very tough period with a bad elder care situation (someone with worsening dementia completely isolated at home) while another immediate family member had a psychotic break. Through it, I made sure to get outside every single day, if only for a 10-minute walk, and I read at least a few pages of an escapist book every single night. It helped a TON without significant time outlay.
I reset expectations. If something isn’t necessary, it isn’t getting done. If it’s necessary but not important, I half-ass it. If it’s necessary and important, I outsource or offload if I can.
Has anyone at work every tried to mentor you when you never agreed or expressed interest in that relationship? There’s a man in my non-hierarchical office who does this with a lot of people – he fancies himself a writing genius and leaves “helpful” comments on people’s reports instead of making direct edits himself during the final editing phase. He’ll typically leave these comments with just hours to go until the deadline. Think “Consider whether to use another word here” or “Is this point repetitive?” Our office is a bit gossipy and I’ve discovered that this behavior drives a lot of people up the wall, especially because he makes more work for people balancing lots of tight deadlines, and several others have mentioned that they feel like he has taken on a “wise mentor” role when no one asked for it. Everyone, including me, would prefer for him to make wording changes himself if he doesn’t like the wording presented to him (and for the purposes of this thread, assume the reports he’s reviewing are near-final quality, not AI-generated slop). Also, his writing style sucks!! It’s so dry and dull. How do I make it stop?
Can you just ignore his comments? Or mark them resolved without making changes (for stuff like: “is this point repetitive”)?
Delete his comments immediately and email him separately. “Sean, I’m going to ask you to stop leaving vague comments in my documents at the last minute. The time for that sort of feedback is much earlier in the process. If there’s specific language you’d like to propose please feel free”
“Please make edits directly into the document and do so at least 48 hours before the deadline for submission.”
Assuming he is higher up in the non-hierarchy, hierarchy than you, you get the reports to him sooner. This is a style of editing whose purpose it is to make the writer take ownership of how to implement the comments (e.g., repetitive), rather than fix it for you. It normally works well, but there needs to enough time in the review process to implement the edits. Signed, I will normally only fix directly if it is a minor nit or we are truly on a deadline.
Unfortunately, you can get the reports to him with three weeks to spare and he’ll still return feedback the day it’s due. Yes, it’s an issue. I’d rather move ahead without his input at all but it’s not always possible for Reasons related to certain contracts.
“Dry and dull” makes me wonder if he’s a lawyer or in a compliance approver role. I’m in house counsel (former English major) and had to tamp down this instinct when reviewing marketing documents in my first in house role. Marketing was notorious for pushing up against deadlines and setting unrealistic review times for legal, so I’d often receive copy that really didn’t make sense. I didn’t want to overstep by making direct edits. Anyway, I was self-aware enough to raise the issues directly with marketing leadership, and we made changes to the review process/added in some legal training for the team.
If you’re in the same dynamic, it might help to politely find a way to tell this guy to stay in his lane. Also, consider if it’s really necessary to get his input and, if so, consider if it can be moved up in the process.
As someone in a regulatory role half my comments are ‘please use legal term’ no I won’t do the edits for you, you have the resources and I shouldn’t have to remind you every single document.
Stop incorporating his edits. Or set a review deadline that is earlier than the actual deadline.
Me again. Two jobs vying for me. Job A offer is in hand and I’ve had it for one week today. I did some mild negotiation and they upped my comp almost immediately. They’re so excited to have me which feels incredible. Job B, which would have been my first choice and is considerably more money, has had a week and a half to produce an offer and hasn’t despite all the “we want you. you’re our choice” etc etc. I’ve been talking to B for over a year.
I need to just take A and call it a day, right? A Is amazing. B is extra amazing.
B is not amazing. It doesn’t take a year to hire someone, even if they are creating a position just for you. Knowing that you have another offer and they aren’t producing one??? That’s a huge red flag.
There was no job available for me a year ago so I don’t mean to say they’ve been creating a job for me for a year. But I’ve gotten to know the whole team over that term, and then there was a job available in the last several weeks. In any event, point taken despite the nuance.
1,000 million percent. B has not done anything other than flatter you, A made a real solid offer. Take A before they move on.
Job B just isn’t that into you, I’m sorry. A few months courtship I could understand. But a whole year budget and strategy planning cycle and they can’t make room for you? Oh girl. Enjoy A and don’t look back, we love you and you’re awesome
Have you told Job B that you have an offer in hand from another company and it’s now or never? I got my top choice job that way once after 6+ weeks of silence. If you did that and they still haven’t gotten back to you, then I’d move on and just take Job A.
Yes – Job B is reportedly “working on it” but it’s also been 1.5 weeks with no progress and no date by which they are promising me offer.
I really really like A and the manager and I’m feeling deeply guilty about not yet responding. If B didn’t exist (which, yes, I agree it doesn’t exist at this juncture with no offer…) A would have been an enthusiastic accept by now.
The no date is a dealbreaker. Okay, it’s August, things are slow, people are on holiday, but if they wanted you imo they would have a clear plan for how they were going to move this to an offer and have made sure you know it. In the meantime Job A is getting less and less excited about you because they know you’re not excited about them (sorry, but as a hiring manager myself this is where my thoughts would be going at this point) and Job B clearly doesn’t care about your reputation with others. If B does materialise you can always make a decision on to switch then, albeit it would thoroughly burn that bridge with Job A, but you know whether that would be worth doing. The question to ask yourself right now is how upset you would be to lose A and B then never appear.
+1
To your last question: deeply, irreversibly upset if A disappeared and there were no B. Time to accept A.
I am also a hiring manager and completely agree that dragging your feet on A means that A is losing enthusiasm about you by the day. You may be doing permanent damage to your future there. 10 days is enough.
Yep, if I’m A I’m already telling HR to get an offer ready for my formerly second choice who I’m now getting very excited about. You are like a girl with a solid marriage proposal from a man perfect for you who is holding out for the lead singer from a rock band.
Time to accept A!
If it helps, given how slow B is, even if they do eventualllllly come back with an offer, there’s probably at least a 50% chance it’s far enough in the future (12 months?) that you could even accept it then ~without burning the bridge with A
omg yes. B is not an available option, at least not now.
B doesn’t exist. B hasn’t offered you a job. Take A. Enjoy.
Time to accept offer A and celebrate. Congratulations!
There is no job at B. Sorry. Focus on how wonderful A is, and congratulations!
Yes you have to take A. You are caught up in the appearance of B, but B is not real until an offer is on the table. It’s a hypothetical. A is not.
A is enthusiastic about you. B is not. And how do you know that A will never become B?
Like others said, if for some reason B works out later and you want to leave , then great. You’re not the only candidate who has ever rescinded a job acceptance or left after a dream job opens later. It isn’t a lifetime commitment — pick A and celebrate a new start.
People (and companies) do what they want to do. If B wanted to make you an offer, they would have. They haven’t. Go where you’re wanted.
I just accepted Job A. I cannot believe it. I’m leaving an insane environment which makes this incredible job that much stronger. I’m a little crippled by what’s to come in the best way possible.
Thanks for setting me straight this morning :)
Congrats!
Congratulations!
Wonderful news!
Hooray! Congratulations!
Congrats!
if B ultimately comes through and you still want it than you can take it. you don’t owe A anything. that said, as with dating, when employees show you who they are… .believe them. congratulations!
If your kids share a bathroom, how do you manage to keep it from devolving into chaos in the morning and night (assuming they get ready for school at the same time and for bed at the same time). Bonus points if you have a boy/girl duo and extra bonus points if its a bathroom connected to both of their rooms and extra extra bonus points if there’s only one sink. I think we need to institute a taking turns policy, but neither of them wants to be first at nighttime. This wasn’t really an issue when they were younger but as they get older, its turned into a madhouse.
Whomever goes first at nighttime gets dibs the next morning.
You set up a vanity (or the male equivalent) in each of their bedrooms and limit the bathroom time to things that require plumbing.
+1. This is what I did when living with roommates. We stayed out of the bathroom unless we needed running water. Put a washable rug under the vanity or dresser in their bedrooms.
This is exactly what I did with roommates – so, I did hair, makeup, etc. in my room, and face-washing, teeth-brushing etc. only in the bathroom. It works!
Me too, and I never stopped. It is useful for sharing a bathroom with my husband and son (NYC apartment).
I was this kid. In elementary school one of us used another bathroom (in our case the half-bath downstairs) for nighttime teeth & face wash – a second set of their stuff was kept there. Became less of an issue over time as schedules got more varied with different evening activities.
In the morning, when both of us showered, I always went first since I had more to do afterward (hair and eventually makeup, which I did in my bedroom) while my brother went second.
I say this kindly – kids sharing a bathroom is not a problem. You let them figure it out. If you are actively managing the way your kids use a bathroom that it sounds like only two of them rely on, then you are creating big problems for your kids moving forward.
I agree with this. I think your next step is to involve them in brainstorming the solution. Lay out what isn’t working for you, tell them it needs to change, and ask them for their ideas and how they will hold themselves accountable. Your involvement of this should stick to whatever directly affects you – you don’t want to listen to screaming, it’s making you late for work, whatever.
I feel like two kids sharing a bathroom is best case scenario…usually it’s more!
Yeah, we have 1 upstairs bathroom for myself, my husband, and our son. Luckily we’re all nighttime showerers. We have a half bath downstairs and keep a second set of toothbrushes etc downstairs.
Agree with this take. I shared one bathroom that had one sink with two sisters + my mom for my entire life until I went to college. Empower them to problem solve.
I have the same scenario with a boy/girl pair (and an age gap, too), and this usually descends into chaos. Depending on personalities, it is not unreasonable for the parent to work with them to find a solution.
One bathroom, boy/girl, and one sink. They take turns. If they can’t agree on who goes first, it’s the person who went last the time prior. Right now neither one wants to take too much time so the main conflict is “s/he spit on the sink!” when they both try to brush teeth. I think if one of them starts to care about hair or makeup and starts to hog the bathroom, it will be trickier but plan is to have that take place at another mirror and leave the bath for actual sink/shower activities.
My highschoolers share a bathroom–one boy and one girl. They drive to school together in the morning and so have to be ready at the same time. What they have figured out is that my daughter gets ready for bed first because she likes to go to bed earlier than my son. He then takes a shower at night. She wakes up earlier than he does and takes a shower in the morning. Then she does the rest of her getting ready in her room at her vanity. That leaves the bathroom open for him to wash his face, brush teeth, etc. in the morning while she finishes getting ready in her room. Every now and then there is a conflict with this system and one of them will shower in my bathroom at night or one of them will go downstairs and use that bathroom to brush teeth, etc. in the morning. But for the most part they have worked out a schedule that works for them most of the time.
Unconventional solution. We had a herding dog who took it upon himself to enforce the bathroom schedule between me and my sister. Also, anything that does not require water (make up, hair) is done in your bedroom.
+ 1 million bazillion trillion. You need to take A today. B is a concept not a job offer.
i work in higher ed at a top 20 school and just had to share an anecdote from freshman arrival – apparently a student whose offer of admission had been rescinded showed up with their parents as the student had never told their parents that their offer had been revoked…guess the student was just hoping if they showed up the school would give them a room and let them stay?!?
Oh my goodness. That’s ridiculous. But also that poor kid. It would be so hard to tell your parents your offer of admission was taken back!
i’m not entirely sure what caused the offer to be revoked, but it obviously must have been something not great either. parents and kiddo must not have the best relationship
Oh my gosh. What do you even do in that situation?! (I mean, obviously the kid should’ve fessed up WAY sooner and attended another school!)
How on earth is an offer rescinded? Was the university just like ‘whoops we made a mistake’?
Academic performance or they committed some sort of offense (criminal or something like really egregious cheating).
I’m guessing they got senioritis and failed some courses.
But they could have falsified part of their application (that would do it too).
I think it’s quite rare to have an offer rescinded because of mouthing off online somehow, but it has happened before.
I’m not OP but I work in higher ed – it’s almost never a “whoops” situation, it’s almost always either 1. something happened over the summer with the student and that changes the situation, or 2. the student failed to disclose something that the university now knows about and they cannot enroll the student. In my experience, we’ve rescinded offers of admission for things like falsified credentials, academic dishonesty post-admission, arrests/etc.
The Ivies have been known to rescind offers for poor academic performance. But I mean poor performance like failing a class or getting a ton of Cs, not a straight A student getting a couple of Bs.
But what you’re saying is true for most schools.
Bad grades can do it but only at top schools. Generally for state schools, you have to not graduate or have some major behavioral issue.
When I was heading to college a couple of decades ago, my top public university warned students their admission would be rescinded if they got anything lower than a B in any course during senior year.
Do schools actually have the manpower to check all this (or can AI do this)? I feel that they can barely grind out their core functions.
No it’s usually major academic issues or misconduct
This is like the Seinfeld episode where George got fired but kept going to work.
IDK, sadly.
I see a lot of moms making a college application gmail just for that and they run and check it like a hawk, so the kids never check unless a parent prods them. Then once a kid is admitted and the deposit paid, who checks it? I haven’t ever seen even driven kids be good about email and college related ones are totally clogged, that it is not hard to imagine someone missing such an email (and that mom is just as likely the culprit as junior). If it was JUST a notice by email, I’m like 10% confident that a kid or parent would see it (the one exception: travel sports, which is next level). Sadly.
I run a competitive youth activity (that is not sports) and have tried everything to get people to pay attention to something someone ostensibly cares about and it is never not a struggle.
I need help sourcing inspiration for my haircuts. I am 45, with curly-ish hair that is chin-to-shoulder length, depending on how long I go between cuts. My natural color is a rich brown with red undertones, and I have a few grey strands. I don’t color my hair and don’t intend to start. My hair didn’t get curly until my late teens, and I fought it for a long time. I am now leaning into it. I want some inspiration pics to take to my new stylist, but I don’t know where to look. Where can I find pictures for middle-aged women’s hair inspiration? I know Instagram is probably the answer, but I don’t want to follow someone if I only need ideas here and there. Is this what hashtags are for? Which ones are likely to give me the best results? I am pretty low maintenance when it comes to hair, and I don’t need to be up on the latest trends, but I am trying to up my hair game a little and don’t know where to begin!
What about growing it longer? I think mid cuts are just zzzz and maybe that’s what you’re reacting to. Grow it out and treat it well.
Check out your new stylist’s Insta or her salon’s – most of them post client before and after pics.
Your stylist will know what haircut would be most flattering on you based on your face shape, cheekbones, hair texture, and the amount of time you want to spend doing your hair in the morning.
Go to Pinterest!