Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Fitted Non-Iron Ruffle Shirt
This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’ve been looking for a crisp white top to replace some of my go-tos that are looking a little worn out and came across this gorgeous sleeveless number from Brooks Brothers. The neckline makes it a little more special than your typical button-up, but it will still layer nicely under sweaters and blazers.
It’s machine washable, so grab some Oxi Clean to keep it looking white and bright for as long as possible.
The blouse is $118 at Brooks Brothers and comes in sizes 00-16.
Looking for more white tops for work? Some of the latest we've featured as of 2025 include these great options…
Sales of note for 8/12/25:
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your full price purchase, and $99 dresses and jackets — extra 60% off sale also
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles with code
- Dermstore – Anniversary sale, up to 25% off everything
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles & up to 60% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything and extra 60% off clearance
- Mejuri – Up to 25% off everything
- M.M.LaFleur – New August drop, and up to 70% off sale – try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Neiman Marcus – Last call designer sale! Spend $200, get a $50 gift card (up to $2000+ spend with $500 gift card)
- Nordstrom – 9,800+ new women's markdowns
- Rothy's – Ooh: limited edition T-strap flats / Mary Janes
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – Semi-annual red door sale! 50% off all markdowns + extra 20% off already marked-down items
Considering buying a Rolex Lady-Datejust (oyster, 28 mm, oystersteel and yellow gold). Any thoughts, recommendations, cautions? I’m a second-year non-equity law partner in BigLaw and feel like I want to wear a watch everyday.
buy what you love! I prefer a mother-of-pearl dial as I like how it works with either silver or gold jewelry vs. being so boldly gold, but that’s personal preference only.
That’s my everyday watch and I love it. If you’re wearing it daily just make sure to budget for the servicing and repairs as it will get more wear and tear than you might expect.
This is super helpful, thank you so much. Can you tell me a bit about the maintenance and repair costs you’ve seen for yours?
A service is about $500 and supposedly is needed every five years, but I haven’t reached that point yet.
Insurance costs are about 1% of the value per year, if you choose to insure it. It’s value will likely be in excess of your jewelry coverage on your homeowners or renters policy, so you’ll need a separate rider.
Go for it, I’m a Cartier girly but love wearing a real watch every day. I’ve dumped my Apple Watch to a drawer.
I think it is a great choice.
This blouse is so pretty! And is that a pencil skirt it is paired with? I need a new suit (for my current size) and am thinking that broken-up suits with comfy shoes may be how I make financial sense of this purchase (and stop getting surprised that my suits no longer fit).
This is gorgeous and speaks to my heart, probably because I got started in the working world in the late aughts.
I like it too!
Any recs for gym workout tanks with a relatively high neck but a small v-cut? I don’t like the feeling of high crew necks, but it’s hard to find a v-neck that comes high enough.
Try searching for “notch collar” and see if any anything strikes your fancy? It appears Title Nine has one, although I have no personal experience with it.
One option from Old Navy: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do
Another one – might be a touch low: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do
These links aren’t working for me, but I’ll go check it out on the website!
Oh crud, sorry. One is just called “cloud motion tank” and it has a really short V-neck, and one is called the “cloud motion v-neck tank.” I don’t have these specific items but I have a handful of similar tanks and I like them.
Would a high scoop neck work? Tracksmith might fit the bill. Pricy, but amazing.
Which neutrals do you wear the most? I wear mostly all black and have been trying to get into navy. Do you prefer tan or gray? White or cream?
Navy and various shades of blue, camel, army green, black. That’s 95% of my wardrobe. I’m more put together and polished when I avoid bright colors and patterns other than a Breton stripe. I’m a spiller so I don’t wear white generally.
+1 to this same color scheme plus white. In my casual wardrobe I’ll also do pops of red.
Winter here and I’ve been trying to get into navy and away from black. For me, it has to be blue and white with a hint of cream and rich brown on the shoes. I need contrast, so white all the way for me. I like a light blue also with black or navy.
I wear black and navy, but prefer black on my skintone. I like nice darker shades of green when I can find them.
I decided recently that going forward I was going to try to stick to black for my future dresses (to save money and decision making, plus it’s the color I like best on me.)
Navy and gray. Black is too harsh on me. I’m also liking olive green and shell pink as neutrals, too.
Black, and interestingly enough olive green. Navy always reminds me too much of school uniforms. Definitely cream over white. I would love more cream clothes.
I tend to default to white and navy in the warmer months and black and gray in the colder ones. I like camel, but I don’t think it looks good on me. I have winter coloring, if you’re into that sort of thing.
I rarely wear black, just a few pairs of black pants and couple black puffy jackets and a vest, which I do wear a lot in my very cold state (but I also own coats or jackets of varying weights in navy, charcoal, teal, turquoise, and gray). I don’t own a single black shirt or sweater. I wear a lot of different shades of blue and gray. I avoid any shade of brown as much as possible, but that’s hard in outdoors gear, so I have a few pairs of outdoors pants in olive or shades of gray brown. Absolutely no white or cream, other than one or two tee shirts and even those I barely wear.
All of them plus leopard and red.
Black, whatever version of brown is trending, and cream.
Black and gray – I picked those as my neutrals way back when I started my “office” job. I wear them with each other or mix in olive, white and cream.
Brown and olive. I mix with pink, pale blue, and oranges.
Black and olive. Gray washes me out (and can look too pajama-y depending on the fabric), I spill too much for white or cream, and it’s hard to find a flattering tan shade. I find navy a little blah. I never feel polished or stylish when I wear it.
Olive, cream, chocolate and black.
No white, gray or cool navy.
I’m an earth tones kinda lady. I also hardly ever wear vibrant pieces. It’s blues, greens, and browns for me, which means basically any neutral except solid black.
Olive/army green is a surprisingly useful neutral.
Navy, grey, and army green are my most worn neutrals. I have a black section of my closet for deep winter but too much black depresses me and washes me out.
My accent colors as a bright winter are jewel tones or deeply saturated lighter colors – pink, purple, emerald green, or bright yellow/orange.
Mostly navy, some black, ivory, olive, leopard, gold. I’m a fair skinned, dark (almost black) haired Winter.
I am all about the neutrals. Black gets top billing. I usually pair black/gray/white or navy/beige/cream together.
I default to black but navy, dark green, camel and cream are actually better for my complexion.
My neutrals are black, navy, forest green. I love the way camel looks on other people but camel and brown don’t work for me.
Is it a generational thing that younger associates do not seem to know how to look up information and facts that are not in the digital file or explicitly given to them?
I deal in a transactional practice area where a lot of our older files (some going back several decades) may have notes and other paperwork that is not digitized. Additionally, we often have to pull information from the public records, most of which can be accessed online. I’m finding that associates over the last few years do not seem to know how to get the physical files and go through them (even with admin. help), look up basic property records, etc. When I was a younger associate (which was not actually that long ago), I looked through everything for information before I declared to the shareholder that I could not find it, or we would need to request it from the client. If I needed to ask the assistant to help me pull other related files, I did and I went through the files looking for the information that I needed to complete the product. If I needed to go to the courthouse and get into the microfiche to look for an easement from the 1800s, I did it.
I provide instruction and support to help get the associates the information, so that they can learn how to do this/assign the work in the future. But, there just seems to be an overall unwillingness to dig in and find things.
Not a lawyer, but an old house gal, yeah people think information does not exist if it’s not digital or online.
I think there is a reluctance to look at anything physical. That being said, they may also be concerned that a physical search will be perceived as taking too long, won’t get paid for by the client, etc. Clearer messaging of “go look at the physical files if necessary” may be necessary to solve this issue.
As a client I’d rather you ask me again before you dig around storage boxes at a rate of lots per hour.
+1, if you’re after some old bylaws or something, I can pull those for you for “free” from our archives.
+1. I don’t think this is just young associate incompetence. I think they’re trying to avoid a fishing expedition in old files if digital copies are available.
There is a reason you made partner and other associates did not. The associates that lack problem solving skills flame out of big law.
I feel that a lot of “smart” kids are good at being sheep and not so good at things where you have to think independently or take initiative (that entails risk; risk seems to feel very toxic).
And agree with this. You just did the thing. Many won’t. It’s like that takes a separate work order that they are waiting for you to intuit and give them.
I agree. I’m not impressed by the overall level of initiative I see in younger attorneys to figure things out for themselves, whether regarding a process, basic information, or the law. I went through great lengths to exhaust all options before going to a partner or senior associate or client and I just do not see that anymore.
Not a lawyer, but this is my experience as well. I get a lot more instant requests for help from my team than I ever remembered sending. I was so hesitant to “waste” the time of those more senior to me, but it’s an ongoing struggle to train my team to search for themselves (and perhaps batch questions on requests that aren’t time sensitive).
I love tubing mascaras but find they usually straighten my freshly curled lashes. Is there a tubing and curling mascara? Or tips on how to get the curl to hold?
Shu Uemera eyelash curler
This curler plus waterproof mascara. I have stick straight lashes that almost point down and this combo helps hold them up somewhat. That said, would love any other suggestions that actually help.
Get a lash lift
ISO new sunscreen for my forehead (I use origins spf + moisturizer on face, but if I put it on my forehead it inevitably gets in my eyes) that is not greasy and also won’t get in my eyes. Does such a thing exist? TIA!
EltaMD! Has almost a powdery finish and I find it doesn’t run at all.
This is my all time favorite.
I’ve had a lot of trouble with sunscreen bothering my eyes and have given up on a lot of sunscreens because of this. Currently using vanicream moisturizer with spf and it’s the rare sunscreen that doesn’t irritate my eyes or my skin, at least for now.
Try a mineral sunscreen, they stay put better and don’t make your eyes burn.
I like my Neutrogena mineral facial SPF. It’s got a nice matte finish, too, so no greasy shine.
I’m loving the canmake mermaid sunblock – Yesstyle has it. It functions as a primer as well which is so handy.
oil of olay spf 40
Isntree is great, I get mine through yesstyle :)
Revision!
Aw I had this blouse as a newbie associate in the late 00’s. Ended up donating it as my neck is not as long as the model’s and I was constantly getting foundation on the tips of the ruffles!
I found out in the mid 00’s that the ‘non-iron’ chemical Brooks Brothers uses gives me hives, and their normal cotton shirts get SO wrinkled on me. Sigh. I do love their non-cotton blouses!
It’s formaldehyde-based (or at least used to be). Convenient but best avoided.
How do suiting pieces from these brands run and what shapes do they fit?
— Brooks Brothers
— Boss
— Lafayette 148 (wowza — more expensive than I was imagining)
— Talbots (maybe I should start here but wool suiting hasn’t hit the website yet).
I have hips and a stomach, no chest, and I’m very short waisted so I can swim in jackets if the brand doesn’t do petites. Maybe 10/12 in pants; 8 jacket.
I am a pear-hourglass and have best luck with Laf 148 and Boss of those four. I stalk sales.
It really depends on the cut of the suit. All the brands sell suiting as separates so you can mix and match. Boss has historically had shorter and longer jackets, and is generally stocked by the fancy department stores, so I would start there.
IME Brooks Brothers runs straight and is not curve friendly, though a little less straight than Theory. I like the fit and quality of Boss and have found items on sale at Bloomingdales. Lafayette 148 is very good quality and I like the fabrics. They can fit a bit boxy and I always need to shorten skirts and dresses.
I was going to respond the same way. I have hips and tried for years to make brooks brothers work on me. I still love their sweaters and cardigans, but can’t wear their suiting or dresses.
— Brooks Brothers: very traditional cuts. Jackets may be a little long for you if not petite size.
— Boss: never been a fan, would avoid.
— Lafayette 148 (wowza — more expensive than I was imagining): Same as Boss
— Talbots (maybe I should start here but wool suiting hasn’t hit the website yet): For your size, agree you should start here. They carry a lot for petite sizes in-store.
I haven’t tried petites, but I found Lafayette 148 to be cut for bigger bosoms.
You might try Hobbs; they are at Bloomingdale’s. I find they run short waisted. Another option may be Boden; they are also for the short of waist. Both have good hip room; I am not sure about the waist area.
I am a long-waisted pear-shape. What works for me: Talbots, Ann Taylor, MM LaFleur, JCrew. Theory and Boss are cut smaller and straighter.
I’m a petite hourglass and I love Boss.
Can people who belong to religions that don’t align with their values please offer some explanation? Ive been having some conversations with some friends who are also Christian but belong to different denominations and I am trying to understand, but I do not get the cognitive dissonance.
FWIW, I have friends of a wide variety of Christian denominations, Jewish friends, Muslim friends, and most of my friends are not religious (atheist, agnostic, or not really sure but not thinking about it). My friends are all anti MAGA (ranging from never Trump republicans to leftists).
I don’t necessarily seek out these conversations, but we’re all pretty open with our views. I’m honestly having trouble wrapping my head around how some of my Catholic and Baptist friends think.
I was raised Episcopalian, was non practicing for a long time, and then when I started practicing again looked into most of the mainline Protestant denominations (I knew my views weren’t going to align with the Catholic Church or an Evangelical denomination) and settled on the Episcopal Church. The things that mattered to me were truly being accepting and affirming of everyone, allowing and encouraging questioning and there being space for people to not all believe the exact same thing, putting faith and radical love into action both with what was taught and how (fully loving your neighbor, regardless of who they are) and with action (having an active outreach / charitable ministry), while still having structure and a traditional mass. It was really important to me that my religion follows the words of Jesus and lives those lessons: welcoming and loving everyone, following the words of the Beatitudes, giving back to those who need help (“whatever you do for the least of these”), working for peace and love everywhere even if it’s unpopular. I truly believe we are called to put in the hard work to serve others and make a better world.
I have a few close friends who are devout Catholics and Baptists despite having views that contradict the church. For example, the rights of the LGBTQ community. My Catholic friend is a huge ally. When we discuss this, she knows the church’s position on it and disagrees with it and thinks it doesn’t treat our LGBTQ brothers and sisters with dignity. I know most Catholics are “cafeteria Catholics” but why? Why not just belong to a church where you don’t have to pick and choose? Or, where a variety of beliefs under the overall umbrella is okay.
My Baptist friend and I have a very close mutual friend who is gay. She approaches him and his marriage as a “love the sinner, hate the sin” situation which honestly breaks my heart. Our friend is such an amazing, caring person – how can you look at him and decide it’s sinful fot him to love who he loves?
My Baptist friend drinks and lives with her boyfriend, but hides both of those things from her church. My Catholic friend is on birth control and hides that from her church. She donates money to and supports planned parenthood and hides that from her church. Why belong to a church where you can’t be your full self? If you believe God is omniscient, then you’re only hiding from church leadership not god?
I do admire how the Catholic Church (alongside other churches) is so pro-immigrant, but why aren’t all the churches? And why do they so support the oppressed immigrants but not other oppressed peoples?
Why do you say you support Women’s rights but women are second class citizens in your church? My mom actually left the Catholic Church and raised me and my sister Episcopalian over women’s ordination. She didn’t believe in bringing us to church each week in a place where we would not be allowed to be priests and the message that sends.
One thing I’ve noticed is that my Catholic friends kmow their theology very well, they just accept that they disagree with the church but they can articulate the church’s views and the scripture, history, or theology behind it. When I try to have these discussions with my Baptist friends (why they don’t do weekly communion but we do, why only men can be pastors for them but we allow anyone to become a priest), they don’t have an answer for it.
I know the official stance of the Catholic Church is not that it’s the one true church and Protestants are apostates (though several people in my life vocally believe this and this believe I’ll go to hell for not bring Catholic… these are cafeteria Catholics! Not trad Caths!) … so why not leave and find a church that better aligns with your views?
Speaking of trad caths, why is the church not condemning their social views and actions more? What happened to the church of Dorothy Day?! To me, she is the shining example of a Christian, that was the type of Catholic my family was before becoming Episcopalian, and why is her example not upheld more?
I know this is a lot and I promise this is all in good faith. Im just quite confused coming from a different faith tradition.
Religion for a lot of folks is about belonging and community. On some level they know it’s all made up but they want the benefits so they overlook the icky parts.
… but you can just join another church without the icky parts?
Did you just decide to ignore the community piece of her comment? Or the belonging? You can just move to a new church and have generations of family heritage with it.
But then it’s a completely different community, and it’s going to be missing a lot of the stuff that really resonates with you. There’s no such thing as a perfect church because all churches are made up of imperfect individuals, so plenty of us just stick with our cultural heritage and try to improve that church, rather than shopping around for something that probably doesn’t exist.
And also — the idea that there is a church without “icky parts” is really, really magical thinking, no matter how much you love your own church.
I think all churches and religions have icky parts.
Can you? I’ll admit that I haven’t looked at every possible religion in the world, but I find it really hard to believe that there is a church that offers the community I would want and perfectly aligns with every belief I have. (And even if there were, that would seem a little . . . simple-minded? I think you should be challenged on these issues.)
I’m not a good person to answer this, as I’m non-practicing. I consider myself Catholic because that’s how I was raised, and I’m comfortable enough with accepting the cafeteria aspects (they aren’t really why I don’t practice), but I figure I could just as easily identify with another Christian denomination without much difference.
Some things aren’t a huge deal – no one cares about birth control even though we all know it’s not technically allowed. Heck, we had a female couple who played a prominent role at my small southern parish in the 90’s and it wasn’t an issue (not sure if they were completely out, but it was at least an obvious “open secret” sort of thing). It’s usually pretty easy to ignore the things that you don’t agree with, or, if you’re really devout, you pray on them and challenge yourself to examine your beliefs, and accept that everyone’s fallible but you’ve made the best decisions you can. At some point, you may decide it’s too much out of alignment with what you believe, but you can usually tolerate a lot.
This is very helpful, thank you for sharing! The piece about if you’re very devout praying over it was helpful for my understanding.
I know the vast majority of Catholics use birth control (all but one of my friends do), but I know quite a few who don’t because they were taught it’s a sin. She’s very much a modern woman, votes Dem, thinks birth control (and abortions) should be readily available to non-Catholics who want it but thinks it’s a sin for any Catholic to partake.
It’s also cultural. The music sounds like home for us. Ditto liturgies or even things like how you hold your arms / hands / body posture of prayer.
If I am also culturally from Country A or Ethnic Group B, that is my culture. Do I love all that I was born into (does anyone)? But I’m not fleeing it over that. And even if I went to a different church, I’m still not culturally OF it. I am a stranger in that land no matter the overlap.
You’d be surprised how similar the language, the music, the body posture, etc is among some churches.
Some are very different, sure. But some are nearly identical.
I am a fish out of water at a non denominational church. I fit in very well at a Lutheran church, for example.
It’s also cultural in what gets emphasized. A Catholic Church in an area with a lot of divorces is going to de-emphasize that anti-divorce teaching, in order to keep people in the fold. A lot of synagogues don’t even keep kosher, because they know their congregation membership doesn’t keep kosher. People join their local churches for a variety of reasons
Is that not heresy then?
It’s not heresy not to rail against divorce from the pulpit every day, no. It is also not heresy to get a divorce.
My HOA is a great source of community.
If my HOA was discriminatory I would resign my membership…
Would you move? How fast? Would you take a loss? Would you move your kids out of the school district so they don’t associate with the HOA kids? Would you miss the HoA? How would you screen your next HOA? Or would you work within your HOA to change them? What if all your family said, “aw we remember your HOA! We loved them! They were perfect for you!”?
Yeah, I would leave. You are the company you keep and if my HOA doesn’t let gay families move in and people are okay with that they’re not my people.
If my family lives there I’ll share why I’m leaving.
If someone said the HOA was perfect for me I’d explain that clearly it wasn’t.
Maybe I’d find a new HOA, maybe I wouldn’t. If I found a new one I’d ensure I read the bylaws and the meeting minutes and spend time walking around the neighborhood and attending events to get a taste of iy. I’d shop around. I’d ask for a meeting with the board. I’d ask the board directly, in plain language it’s policy.
Wow – those were quick answers! How much of a loss did you take when you sold your house? How far away did you move? How are you going to interact with the HOA folks in the future? Not everything is such a quick decision, but glad it was for you!
If your HOA was the HOA your parents and grandparents belong to and build their lives around, you’d move? You’d cut ties with them?
You don’t have to cut ties with them to change denominations.
You might not have to cut ties with them, but as soon as they’ve heard you joined that other church, they’re just not as friendly. Maybe not cult-level shunning, but you’re not going to get the same greeting at Easter and Christmas Eve. That’s just what I’ve seen.
Isn’t that the point and power of religion? To exclude?
Have 12 generations of your family and your entire ethnic community belonged to your HOA?
Yeah. It’s literally what my mom did 35 years ago…
And again. Yay her. Other people make different choices.
Your HOA isn’t discriminatory against anyone at all?
The very concept of HOAs comes from racial covenants!
It’s almost like not everyone is you and not everyone thinks like you. Revolutionary I know. For some, religion is a family and cultural tradition. They are Catholic because they were raised Catholic and their families are Catholic and ties to that tradition and community matter. And they don’t agree with everything, like most Catholics, and that works for them.
You get to choose your faith and they get to choose theirs!
I’m a Methodist because my mother’s family way back were Welsh coal miners and because we have the best music. I don’t agree with 100% of the church’s teachings and that is fine by me. Church is important to me, but I’m a Christmas, Easter, and a few more times a year person not a rigid weekly attender. Most of my faith life is lived by myself through prayer and that’s one on one with God.
And I’m not open or interested in being quizzed on this by friends or interrogated which is how you’re coming off. I do not proselytize, I never press others on their beliefs, I simply respect that we are all different and expect that same respect in return.
It comes up because the Baptist friends do bring up religion frequently. For a while (when I wasn’t religious) I just smiled and nodded because I didn’t want them to try to convert me.
Now that I’m back in church I’ve occasionally asked questions, but I haven’t been able to understand.
I totally get that not everyone thinks the way I do, I don’t expect to see eye to eye with everyone! I’m just wondering how you belong to a church you actively disagree with.
And I explained it. And so did the commenter above me. Listen when people tell you things if you want to understand.
“I’m just wondering how you belong to a church you actively disagree with.”
Because this is human beings. We are rarely 100% consistent in anything. And it’s rare to find an organization—even a church with a defined theology—that is 100% consistent with their own belief systems!
To me theres a difference in disagreeing over the wording used or a more intricate theological issue vs someone’s human rights.
The Episcopal Church is experimenting with the language of the mass, which I really don’t like. But, I can deal with that. I can’t deal with a church that denies the holiness half of the population by not ordaining women…
OP. There are a million ways to make peace with the role of women in the Catholic Church, or the Baptist Church, and people – and men too, lol – through the centuries have written a LOT on this topic. Maybe these people – and men lol – don’t feel any cognitive dissonance.
The ordination of men has nothing to do with denying women can be holy. It is because the priest is imaging Christ, who was a man. And he takes the Church as his bride. The notion of women being “less than” is a human corruption. Christ set his mother above all other humans and the angels as the Queen of Heaven (according to Catholics). Mary is the only completely pure human to have ever lived. We very much believe in the dignity of women
“I’m just wondering how you belong to a church you actively disagree with.”
You agree 100% with your church on all matters? You are far rarer than they are.
Not everything. But when it comes to human rights and dignity, yes.
Congrats on believing you are the most perfect Christian to ever Christian.
Trust me, I don’t think that!
Well you’re coming across as judgmental and holier than thou. Might want to reflect on that.
What is the point of ascribing to annoy religion if not to feel ‘holier than thou”?
Yep, this. Religion is highly personal and tied to more things than just the official doctrine of the church. Breaking with the religion you were raised in can feel like a Very Big Deal (one reason I haven’t done it). I would find it rude to be questioned about this, fwiw.
Idk. My mom’s BFF is super Catholic (her husband is a deacon). Their daughter is gay.
They’re not upset that she’s gay, but they are upset she stopped going to church. Make it make sense.
My mom is Episcopalian and has several gay friends from her church.
It’s such a wild divide.
OK but you understand that “don’t be gay” and “don’t have gay friends” aren’t tenets of either the Catholic or Episcopalian church? Whereas “Go to Mass every Sunday” *is* a tenet of the Catholic church. These people seem pretty coherent in their beliefs to me.
The Catholic Church actively discriminates against gay people.
The daughter cannot be in a loving, committed relationship and be a member of good standing, receive communion, be a godmother or confirmation sponsor.
Communion is such a huge deal for us, if you’re denied communion thats a huge affront.
I’m pan & catholic. My catholic faith is mine, and mine alone. The faults of the church do not deprive me of my catholic faith.
Yes this. Honestly also how dare people try to take that away from you.
Being gay is officially a sin in the Catholic church. DH’s father’s best childhood friend was a priest who was gay and struggled with celibacy and it was not treated as different from other priests who were abusive or suspected of being abusive towards children. Both were considered sinful by the diocese. His father stopped going to church over it.
Many (but not all) Episcopalian churches perform marriage ceremonies for gay or nonbinary people. The two churches are not the same on this issue at all.
No, being gay isn’t a sin. A homosexual relationship is considered sin. And absolutely, people in the Catholic Church have long unfairly maligned gay people and treated sexual sin as worse than anything else. It’s appalling. But the official doctrine is that gay people exist and should be loved and respected. Everyone is called to celibacy outside of marriage and chastity even within marriage (meaning, rightly ordered intimacy), per doctrine
Yes, Catholic theology and Episcopalian theology on sexuality are different.
No, the Catholic church does not teach that “being gay” is a sin. (Give me one citation!)
The citation is that ‘being gay’ to me, means being able to live a normal life. If the church calls all those not married to celibacy and also prohibits gay marriage then that’s the same as making it a sin to be gay. The gay person cannot cannot live the same life as a married straight person. They can only be gay and celibate for their entire life if they follow the church teachings. That’s not right and it’s treating that person’s life and relationships as if they were sinful.
Are they upset she stopped going to Catholic Church or upset she stopped going to any church? I like religious communities and if I know someone has felt comfortable in one in the past, I assume they’d want to feel a similar level of comfort again in a religious community, even if not the same one. I can see how parents would want their daughter to find a community that is positive and accepting and affirming and yes religious, if she was raised in a family like that. I get that the daughter might not want or need that now, but I understand the parents’ wish for their daughter
I’m Jewish and the culture and some of the practices are important to me. But I no longer identify as Orthodox Jewish for some of the reasons you discuss.
To me that sounds like the Jewish equivalent of changing denominations?
If a Christian stops being Catholic and starts being Methodist, they’re still Christian.
It sounds like you’re still Jewish, just no longer orthodox?
Absolutely, I’m still Jewish. However, I’m not really Conservative or Reform either.
Jewish is a little different because it’s both a religion and an ethnicity. You can quit the religion completely and still be Jewish. Jewish atheist is 100% a thing. I don’t think Christian atheist is. I mean there are atheists who do secular Christmas, but I don’t think people who have zero connection to a church typically identify as “Christian.”
I’d say I’m culturally Christian. No longer religious at all (I don’t believe in God) but I think the church does a lot of good sou support it and I enjoy the culture of my upbringing.
I actually still go to church more than C&E, weddings and funerals. Maybe 5-10 times a year. It’s comforting to be back in the environment for me and I find the lessons and homily helpful. But I don’t believe in god.
While not an ethnicity like Judaism, the church I grew up in is directly tied to my ethnic heritage so things lokr food and songs and tradition are both cultural and religious
They absolutely do
I think it’s simply tradition. DH is Catholic. I’m Anglican (Episcopalian), and our kids are Anglican because I wasn’t comfortable with Catholic values on women and the LGBT community and in dealing with child S.A. My sense is because the Anglican church has a different structure for changes (1/3 lay, 1.3 clergy 1/3 bishops) it encourages thoughtfulness about values because lay people have a direct voice. Whereas the Catholic church teaches the infallibility of the Pope and does not provide a lay voice on teachings in the same way.
DH doesn’t believe in transubstantiation and is pro LGBTQ on a variety of issues but to him, being part of the Catholic church doesn’t mean you agree with everything. I think it’s also part of being raised with the idea that the Catholic church is the ‘real’ church and other denominations are just political creations. He wouldn’t say this but his mom probably would and I think we absorb a lot from our parents.
This is exactly like my family of origin!
Both my parents were raised very Catholic, my mom became Episcopalian because she wouldn’t raise us in a church where women were not treated equally (and now for other reasons too, but gender equality was the main one).
My dad stayed Catholic because it’s the “true church”, but often came to mass with us. He’s not in good standing with the church, but he also won’t leave it. Hes also agnostic, so doesnt believe in the theology – transubstantiation isn’t a concern of his at all!
My parebts were both vocally pro LGBTQ in the 1980s So they were quite ahead of their time with that.
Leaving a church to find one that aligns with your views perfectly isn’t as easy as that for many people. (I am not speaking for myself.) First, there are many views and many doctrines within a particular person or church, so there is unlikely to be perfect alignment. Second, doctrines and views change. Third — and I think this is the bigger question — to what degree is being religious the same as following all the rules of that religion? What is the relationship between practice, belief, and community?
I take your word that these questions are in good faith. However, to me they also sound naive. There are long histories of these religious faiths and practices and those histories will help you understand why people belong to things they don’t fully embrace.
And there are plenty of non-church examples of these questions, too, which might be useful analogies. For example, what does it mean to be an American but to find some of this country’s policies, representatives, and laws abhorrent? How does one live in this country but still work to align their values with where their money, time, and practices go?
Willfully naive
It’s a lot easier to change churches than it is to immigrate countries, no?
I hate what’s happening here, so I’m actively speaking out about it and doing my best to help those who need help. I’m not just standing here saying I disagree with it but I’m still showing up every Sunday and doing nothing about it and I’ll just overlook that ome part.
This doesn’t sound like you’re trying to understand then. Sounds like you’re trying to judge. And this page is all about judgment but don’t waste people’s time pretending you genuinely want to understand when you don’t.
This, 100%. You keep claiming that you don’t get it, but that’s really just a way for your to announce that you’re a “good Christian.” And no, it’s not easier to change churches for many people. The multiplicity of Protestant strands makes that fairly simple (depending on many factors), but that’s a very, very small percentage of people across the world.
When you say you hate what’s happening here, what do you mean? Do you mean the weaponization of evangelical Christianity in the name of national theologies? Do you mean the demonization of women? I said above that the histories of these religions showcase all of those things. It is very, very aggressively naive to suggest that there are some religions that don’t, and it is very, very self-serving to pick out one “progressive” element of a religion and paint it with that brush.
Nailed it, @10:51. I wonder if OP’s judgmentalism perfectly aligns with her church’s values. If not, someone once said something about a splinter in someone else’s eye and a log in one’s own….
Well said, 10:51. I actually find the question really interesting. I love the idea of examining people’s beliefs and how they landed on them. But I know most people find it hard to talk about, so it’s rare that I actually get to talk about it, and this is a good reason why.
You’re the reason it is hard to talk about. Because a productive conversation requires that you listen. And you refuse to.
Hey, 12:08, just to be clear, I’m not the OP. I was agreeing with the statement that the OP was coming across as if she was not actually curious, and saying that was a shame.
Oh sorry 11:32 anon!!
Ok, using your analogy.
I left the Republican Party in 2014 over gay rights. My family has always been Republican (heck, my grandfather was in the John Birch Society), they still are. It has caused friction in my family that I changed political parties.
I could no longer belong to a party that didn’t treat the LGBT community with respect and equal rights.
At first I was uncomfortable being a democrat, because there were plenty of things I didn’t agree with. But to me it was worth it to be uncomfortable with some policies because I felt strongly enough about gay rights. IVe since become way more liberal, but I still don’t agree with everything in my party.
Right. Your last sentence is key. For some, that means staying in their church/relgious tradition and working toward better policies. For others that would mean leaving their church. Sounds like you think people should leave their religion if/when it doesn’t align with their values, but that is a bar that is at a different place for everyone.
I’m a devout Catholic who is also pro-social justice. I can’t tackle all of that at once, but will offer some thoughts (and I am open to respectful questions.)
1) Def don’t believe non-Catholics are going to hell, but generally we do believe the Catholic church is the one founded by Jesus, with apostolic succession, and most importantly, we are the only church that believes in the true presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. That is HUGE, and in the words of Peter “To whom else would we go?”
2) The treatment of women…this is one where there is often a different perception from people outside the church vs those devoutly inside it. I find the Catholic Church is deeply pro-women; the way we revere Mary is distinct from every other denomination. The Church is “mother” and there is a cadre of female saints representing every aspect of femininity. I do not feel debased, I feel cherished as a woman.
3) disagreeing with teachings…we are asked to prayerfully discern and try to understand/follow teaching, but the Church acknowledges we are all in different areas of the journey. We are “required” to believe Dogma and follow doctrine….but there is also a big emphasis of meeting people where they are.
Most of all, the Catholic Church is huge and diverse. There are so many ways to live out our faith – the flavor varies by culture, by parish, by devotions you choose to follow, etc. The rad trade are a little gross, because they focus so much on self (and are therefore prideful, IMO) but the part of the church that focuses on others, on serving the poor and supporting the marginalized, is inspiring and truly the work of Jesus.
The ego to think you have found the one true deity is madness.
I didn’t say that. It’s the same God and Jesus. But the Catholic Church has existed for 2000 years, and is indeed the only one to believe the Eucharist isn’t just a “symbol” but truly becomes body and blood. A lot of other denominations are American-centric, or popped up recently, and I don’t think it’s egotistical to believe the faith that’s existed for millennia is going to have a different richness and (in some cases) validity
She didn’t say that. She said she’s pro-social justice. I see much less ego here than you do
As for your first part, Episcopalians also believe in True Presence. I believe Lutherans do too.
Episcopalians (snd once again I think Lutherans) also believe that we have Apostolic Succession, thiugh I know Catholics do not think we do :). Our bishops who broke away to join the Church of England were all originally Catholic bishops ordained under apostolic succession. As they then ordained CoE priests and bishops, they kept the unbroken chain.
Ok you’re right – I should have said true presence via transubstantiation. Which may seem like mincing words, but is a big and crucial difference!
Also, I do love the Pope :)
Uh. You don’t know anything about mainline Protestants if you think only you believe in real presence in the Eucharist.
I’m Episcopalian.
We have real presence and apostolic succession.
We also revere Mary and female saints.
We also have nuns for women who feel called to that life rather than the priesthood. But, we also think women can and should be leaders in the church as priests, bishops, and deacons! Our women have all of the reverence and options yours do and then some.
Totally, 100% agree that “ the part of the church that focuses on others, on serving the poor and supporting the marginalized, is inspiring and truly the work of Jesus.”. To me, that is what the important part of being a christian is!
I’m sorry for “putting words in the mouth” of your religion that aren’t accurate, something I hate when done to Catholicism. I first typed transubstantiation but didn’t wanted to seem high and mighty, so I changed it and was wrong. I would love to “get into it” in good faith with an Episcopalian or Lutheran, truly we have more in common than apart and I love this stuff. But while I neglected to mention the Pope in my first post, he truly does feel like my father (the tears I shed over Francis…) and he/the Vatican is another huge part of why I’m Catholic
Lots of religion is cultural. I’m Italian. My people are technically catholic. None of my generation buys it wholesale but that’s our culture. I ain’t going to bible study nor am I religious.
Yeah I get why the cultural but not actively religious group stays. I’m confused about the actively religious ones though.
Trust me, it was a scandal in my 2nd Gen Irish Catholic family when my mother left the church!
There are about as many different reasons for religion as there are people in the world, so it’s going to vary a lot.
But one thing that I noticed is that all of your examples are about whether or not a person aligns with their church on social issues, not theological issues. Maybe that’s part of it for your friends?
I’d asked my Baptist friends some theological questions, but they don’t seem to know the answer. Specifically, she asked me why my church has communion every week and I did my best to explain my understanding. I asked her why her church doesnt and she didn’t know (if anyone here does know I’m so curious, please share!).
I explained Real Presence and how thats very important to many Episcopalians, Catholics, and some other Protestants, and she was unfamiliar with that concept.
Theologically, the biggest difference between Episcopalian and Catholic churches seems to be transubstantiation, but none of my Catholic friends believe in it. Catholics dont believe we follow Apostolic Succession, while we believe we do. We recognize the Pope as an important faith leader, but we don’t think he is infallible, nor are we bound to follow his directives.
Other differences between the church are more cultural: married priests, for example is a Catholic tradition but there was q period in time when Catholic priests could marry and have children.
That period in time is right now fyi, it’s just eastern rite, not western rite.
Sorry, yes I recognize Orthodox priests can marry and have children.
Not trying to ignore the Orthodox! I just usually refer to eastern rite as orthodox and western righy as Catholic (but I mean Roman Catholic)
I wasn’t talking about the Orthodox church. I am talking about the Byzantine Catholics who are just as Catholic as Roman Catholics.
Not everyone’s faith is based on doctrine. Sorry you want it to be but no one has to justify their faith to you.
This. I would add that the idea that everyone’s faith should be based on doctrine seems dangerous to me, and I think a lot of dangerous modern political movements, even if they’re entirely secular, borrow from this idea that people in a movement should adhere to doctrines and that people who aren’t on the same page are suspect.
The Pope is only considered infallible when he speaks ex cathedra, which has happened just twice in history (to declare the doctrines of the Immaculate Conception and Mary’s Assumption into heaven). We aren’t “required” to believe the other things he says or writes. He also on occasion updates doctrine or the catechism, but usually that is with input from a larger body
I agree with you fully, much to my very Catholic family’s dismay. I left the church over it’s policy towards abortion, birth control, women in leadership, and their attitude towards LGBTQI people. They all think I should just ignore those policies and keep practicing and I just…can’t.
For them the community, history, and traditions outweigh the bad. I can’t be part of an organization that clearly thinks women are inferior and to be controlled. My mom is somewhat mollified that I now attend a Quaker meeting house but the rest of my family thinks that doesn’t ‘count’.
As a Catholic, I don’t feel the Church teaches women are inferior or to be controlled. Not at all. So you are entitled to your opinion, but it’s not shared by all of us and that’s why we stay! (To answer the OG question.)
The Catholic Church does have a consistent life ethic, which a lot of evangelical etc denominations struggle with. Eg, why is IVF okay, when it results in the destruction of embryos, but abortion never is because a person is alive from the moment of conception? Maybe you don’t agree with the premise, but Catholic doctrine is very consistent on all issues (the purpose of marriage, etc)
The Catholic Church literally prohibits women from the highest offices of being cardinals and Pope. How is that not classing women as inferior? I understand that women can have other important roles but the hierarchy is express, clear, and exclusionary to women. I don’t know the church’s position on nonbinary people and the priesthood.
So there’s actually a genuine, interesting, unsettled theological question about whether women (and men) can be cardinals, without being priests or bishops at all – I land on the side of yes.
But on the question about why women can’t be priests or bishops, the way I square that with my deep conviction of the equal capacity of men and women, is that being a priest is fundamentally a supernatural call. NOBODY merits or earns it or is deserves it. The natural human qualities that make for a good priest – administrative competence, leadership, empathy, reflectiveness, ability to live in community – are necessary but not sufficient to *be* a priest. Women hold those (wonderful!) capacities in equal measure with men. But me asking why I can’t be a priest would be somewhat like asking why I can’t be in two places at once: nobody of any gender, including me, has a reasonable expectation of being able to do that! and, not being able to do that does not reflect negatively on either my personal capacity of human dignity.
(I’m not trying to convince you I’m right; and if you see the church primarily as a human institution and therefore the pope and bishops as something primarily like a CEO or Prime Minister, I get that this doesn’t make sense)
To try to simplify: the priest is acting in persona Christi. Jesus was a man. The church is “the bride of Christ”. She is feminine and maternal. Going back to the point about consistency in doctrine, the Catholic view of marriage, who can serve as priests, celibacy, etc are all related. Women aren’t prohibited from being Cardinals just to be discriminatory.
Women as deacons are another story and personally I hope and pray doctrine moves that direction.
Are you in the south? I feel like these conversations come up a lot more in the south. And also, from your description, it sounds like your Baptist friend does agree with her church, if she’s preaching “love the sinner, hate the sin.” I’m also Episcopal, and the most religious of my friend group, who are catholic for the community, and I find that very common. It sounds like a lot of your friend group is more religious, and even if they aren’t saying it to you, their actions are showing that they do in fact agree with their doctrine. If it’s that bothersome, I’d reconsider your conversations with them or friendships.
I’m actually in NJ!
Half of my friends (mostly people raised Catholic) are actively against religion. A few are religious but not practicing and a few are very religious.
Being in NJ Catholicism is huge culturally, but those friends are the ones who are now anti-religions after being raised Catholic.
Not everyone feels the need to be in complete agreement with every teaching of their church. Maybe they will change, maybe the church will change. They may like the traditions, community, music, etc.
A variety of beliefs under the overall umbrella of Catholicism is already okay. The church isn’t a club for people who agree about everything; leaving and finding a church that better aligns with your views is a protestant idea. “Catholic” is supposed to mean everyone, which means staying and not giving up on the work of the church including our contributions to it. There are very, very few universally shared doctrines in Catholicism.
I think people who get worked up about who can be priests often have some protestant perspectives about pastoral leadership. Priests are servants, they’re not assumed to be right about things, and they shouldn’t be on some kind of pedestal. Sacraments matter more than stuff priests say. The way I see it, rules about who can be priest are pragmatic; the western church usually prefers for priests to be unmarried and without children, and in most societies in all of human history, far more men never reproduce than women. The eastern church does things differently, which is okay. These kinds of rules can change with time and place. But the idea priests are on some kind of pedestal in the first place often reflects underlying cultural misogyny and the influence of protestantism that I think shouldn’t be reinforced in this time and place.
The American church has been badly neglected in general and has become a haven for a lot of subversive movements; I really hope the new pope will do more to address this.
+100
Ahhh “why is the Church not more aggressive in condemning *those other bad people*, who sin in *different* ways than me” is basically the most frequently asked Christian question of the last 2000 years
❤️❤️
As many people have already stated, a lot of this is culture, tradition, and comfort. I am a life-long Episcopalian, but I hate the new liturgy (why oh why are we messing with the Nicene Creed and why did we stop kneeling?). I am not going to convert to Catholicism but I love to attend their services on occasion (and they can be easier to find when I am traveling) because the liturgy is closer to the Rite II service I grew up with. Attending my church can leave me angry and frustrated even if the theology more closely aligns with my values.
Also – do not underestimate the extent to which people just do not pay attention to theology and doctrine. Someone on my neighborhood FB group is looking for a new church and her criteria are “fun” and “good youth activities.”
I feel you on the new liturgy! I do not like it either!!
Yup. Right now I attend a church that isn’t really my jam because there isn’t one that is within east travel distance, there is a lot of good there, and I like the kid’s programming.
Speaking as an Episcopalian who is on / has been on the vestry at more than one church, “fun” and “good youth activities” comes up a LOT. If people don’t have a long standing tie to a denomination, the Episcopal service can be really tough to figure out and comes off to a lot of people as boring – especially if they come from a non-denominational background with a rock band. And many, many people come back to the church when they want that community for their kids, which means that the churches that are growing (or even just maintaining) tend to really focus on youth and family programing. That’s what gets people in the door more than once. Personally, I’m not looking for fun (I LOVE the 1982 liturgy), but I’ve learned that I’m in the minority when looking for a church!
I grew up Presbyterian. I’m now attending an Episcopalian church because it’s the best fit for me right now – and man, I love everything about it except worship. I basically just use the Sunday worship as 90 minutes of meditation. There is no perfect church, and we all just do our best to find something that meets us where we are, as imperfect people in an imperfect world going to imperfect churches composed of even more imperfect people :)
so I am Jewish and I grew up in a “conservative” Jewish household (conservative in terms of Judiasm, NOT politics), but at the time there were certain things that the conservative movement stood for that my family didn’t necessarily and neither did our synagogue necessarily. Now I belong to a “reform” synagogue and I don’t know that I personally agree with every single part of the “reform” Jewish movement. I guess it is different in that at least now, neither conservative or reform Judaism strongly conflict with most of my social views, but I would think that for some of these friends it is the tradition/culture aspect. For me personally my religion is much more of a cultural/community building thing than a truly religious thing. I know it is not like that for all Jews, but I do think it is for many non-Orthodox Jews, but Idk if the role of religion is different when you’re part of a minority group? and being Jewish is both a religion and an ethnicity, which makes it a bit different? I will say I can understand your Catholic friend a lot more than the Baptist one.
You don’t understand because you can’t. You have your values for what you want out of a church and you don’t even understand that other values exist.
If you believe that the Eucharist is the Body and Blood of Christ, then you’re gonna be Catholic. There are other reasons that people have for belonging to specific denominations.
I won’t get into the social issues because again, you don’t see it. I’m not going to argue with you about the meaning of Mark 7:18–23, because you have already decided that Jesus is only about peace and love.
Ok two things I want to clarify here.
1) My mom did leave churches, against generations of family tradition and culture, over her social views. Yes, it was hard at first. But the family overcame it. Heck, half of them have since converted too. So the “it’s so hard to leave whst you grew up in” doesn’t resonate as much with me.
2) My church doesnt expect that we all have the same views on everything. It’s the “big tent” over people with various beliefs and practices. It’s encouraged to discern and decide things yourself. So no, I don’t agree with my priest or the church on everything but that’s okay!
Do you belong to your mom’s church? Do you have any kind of strong heritage?
But you understand that just because (1) doesn’t resonate with you doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone?
I’m detecting an underlying “my religion is the best religion” in your posts, and I think that is off-putting to people. If I knew you in real life, I might smile and nod, but I wouldn’t accept an invitation to join you on Sundays.
And / or also: “my thinking is the best and only thinking, see how rational I am?”
Zero stars do not recommend this attitude when you are asking people about how they think
Honestly, then I don’t understand what you don’t understand. You note that it’s possible but difficult to leave churches. Some people take that on, and some don’t. What’s hard for your mom or for you isn’t the same for everyone. Surely, given how much you’re touting that your religion permits diversity and disagreement, you can understand that?
You note that your church allows for disagreement, and that’s okay. EVERY single church allows for that. Whether an individual priest or church is more draconian is idiosyncratic, and whether an individual thinks of doctrine as unchanging and conservatively rigid is also idiosyncratic.
All of your comments sound wildly, willfully naive and very, very unknowledgable about the wide range of religious and spiritual traditions and histories.
I don’t feel as though I’m being understood. Yes, every church allows for some level of interpretation but some more than others. For example, the Catholic Church is much more prescriptive.
Basically to be Episcopalian you have to believe in the trinity. Most of the rest is up fot interpretation.
There are no official church stances on many topics, it’s up
To us and god.
The church doesnt have a stance on abortion. Thats between me and god.
I don’t have to be cafeteria about the fact that I’m pro choice because it’s actively allowed.
Thats what I mean.
You came to us seeking understanding. No one wanted to understand you, we are answering your questions about other people. Do
You girl! You like your church and that is awesome.
Yeah I’m not understanding. What makes you think your church shares your values, if people are completely free not to share your values?
There aren’t any religious police to come put you in jail for believing or not believing certain tenants. Religion is incredibly personal, and each person decides whether they’re Catholic or Baptist, etc., based on their own interpretation of the “rules.” Also most people don’t go to seminary and fully interrogate/ square up these concepts. I’m not sure why this is so hard for you to understand if you’re truly seeking understanding.
You are incorrect about the Catholic Church, especially historically speaking.
You are also unaware about the the difference between doctrine, theology, ritual, and practice.
I think you are being perfectly understood. I think you are unaware how smug and self-certain you sound, alongside how flat-footed and ignorant you are about other practices and churches.
This seems challenging to understand but not everyone is you and your mom.
I am catholic and do not agree with all church teachings. My faith, which is staunchly rooted in catholic beliefs and teachings, is foundational to who I am. The faults of the church do not deprive me of my catholic faith. Hope that helps.
If this is what the Episcopalian church is teaching about judgmentalism and superiority, this is a fantastic testimony against the Episcopalian church.
Societal virtues are very important, but religion is primarily about individual virtues like humility and grace, and I don’t think your religion is serving you well on those fronts. This comment is not you seeking to understand. It is you seeking to self aggrandize.
Yeah this is very much not the attitude preached in the Episcopalian church I attend.
I’m really not trying to. I’m horrified that I’m not representing my church well.
To me the central tenant of my faith is love and helping the less fortunate so I do struggle to understand religions that dont focus on that.
Your comment does not reflect much love for the friends who you’re trash talking for both not meeting their religion’s expectations and not leaving their religion as a result of not meeting their religion’s expectations.
It’s “tenet.”
I take it more as OP being raised by a mother who made a change and is confused why others don’t and genuinely trying to understand how people can support organizations that actively espouse views they disagree with.
I agree that OP is coming off as judgmental but I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that it is coming from a genuine place of not understanding. Where OP is challenged right now is more in the area of acceptance that we can love people even when they don’t make choices that we agree with or that we can understand. The Episcopalian church says that Jesus calls us to accept even when we don’t understand and to approach understanding and intellectual curiosity with a non-judgmental spirit.
I’m one of these cafeteria Catholics and I get flack about it on both sides, from my religious Catholic parents to my atheist husband. For me, Catholicism is very cultural and leaving it would divorce me from a lot of what I hold dear about my heritage. I stopped going to church for 10 years, starting in college, and as an adult I felt called to come back to church and it has been very helpful in my life as I’ve gone through some difficult things in those years- deaths of loved ones, mental illness in a dear friend, career troubles, etc. The comfort I get from the Catholic church keeps me coming back. I did consider shopping around at other Christian denominations, but I am not a Protestant and fundamentally believe in Catholic doctrine such as transubstantiation that isn’t present in other churches. I don’t think they’re going to hell or bad people, just believe different things about God as I do. I also support LGBT rights and abortion rights, even though I am conflicted on abortion as a personal matter. No church is perfect, and the more progressive options never fit what I am searching for, which is what I got growing up Catholic.
IME the vast majority of people I know who are still/actively identify with a religion, is the church they grew up in. It’s the culture, family history, tradition, community that mostly powers their involvement. Deciding you can find a denomination that you align with better & acting on that requires a level of religiousness that is pretty rare. Most people are going to church to connect with their community, not trying a new one every week like goldilocks. They don’t think about the doctrine that deeply. How many baptists are there who newly joined as adults?
People belong to lots of groups & act in lots of ways that require cognitive dissonance
You seem really focused on misalignment of social/cultural values, but for some people the theological positions are more important. My church is not perfect and I wish it would emphasize some things more and some things less, but I do actually believe what my church believes about sacraments, soteriology, eschatology. patristics, Biblical interpretation, etc. This may be a minority view (I also see those Facebook posts looking for churches that are “fun”), but it is one explanation.
This is where I land. Get the theology right, and the social values flow from the theology. In some cases there can be legit disagreements about how our faith should play out in practice, in other cases flawed humans draw the wrong conclusions, and some members of a denomination will not understand or embrace the theology. But your best chance is still to start with the theology.
I was raised Presbyterian (mainline but back when it was way more conservative) and joined an Episcopal church in my 20s with my now-husband. I grew up in a very conservative, Catholic-heavy area and for the past two decades, have worked with several women who are devout, lifelong Catholics. Because it’s work and we’re all fond of each other, we tend to be pretty diplomatic and pleasant when we talk about church stuff, but we still do talk about it. The sense I get is that the theology and the community are meaningful to them, and they are willing to overlook or go against church teachings on issues where they think the church is wrong. Also, at least for some of them, they think that the church isn’t going to change unless people who want change stay in the church. That’s a tough road, and one I can respect. I don’t think I could do that, but I was also raised in the kind of Christianity where the solution to theological differences was starting your own church.
FWIW, I grew up with Midwestern parents whose family trees were a potpourri of various Protestant denominations, from almost-Mennonite groups to Congregationalists and Unitarians. While my parents definitely sh*t-talked some kinds of Christians more than others, they definitely prized being pleasant and neighborly over the correctness of someone else’s theology. I feel the same way. And the older I get, the more I think it’s really hard to change people’s minds, and even if you can, it often takes a long time.
For some people, church is a choice – something you decide to do as an activity. For others, church is a nationality or ethnicity – something you’re born into. What you’re describing in your Catholic and Baptist friends are people who believe church is something they are born into.
Also, for some people, church is a family. You don’t agree with your crazy uncle, but you still invite him to Thanksgiving dinner. Or maybe your mom is difficult, but she also makes dinner for you every Sunday night and babysits your kids.
I don’t get all the pile up on OP. People act like it’s culturally impossible to change denominations, OP says her family did it (and it’s quite common) then people pile up saying that just because her mom did it that doesn’t mean others will.
What do you want from her?
Everyone knows that it’s possible. But it may be a bad decision for some people. It may be a bad decision for them personally because they’re losing more than they’re gaining. It may be a bad decision collectively because it undermines community ties and promotes a culture of conformity whitewashed as benevolent inclusivity. Or it may be a very understandable decision that works out well for someone.
No one has even remotely suggested that it’s impossible to change denominations. I can’t speak for everyone else, but here’s why I’m piling on: I find her questions disingenous because I find her responses to be only opportunities to tout Episcopalian tolerance and her own righteousness.
So what do I want from her? I would love it if she would notice how she’s making broad, un-nuanced claims about various religions (especially Catholocism) under the guise of “I just can’t understand how it’s possible not to be the way I fantasize myself to be”
I think I was looking for some acknowledgment that others have expressed their personal nuance views on her questions, even if she doesn’t agree with them. She claims she wants to “understand” others – how about “thanks for your perspective! I have some follow-up questions…” we can’t make her understand us but she can try and understand that we are trying to help her understand us
People are awfully sensitive about defending churches that actively discriminate.
Reminds me of when people freak out on people talking mission based work or helping professions.
The lady doth protest too much …
Maybe you need some introspection about how you’ve chosen to live your life.
Maybe. But I would argue that all churches actively discriminate.
This seems probable to me. I’ve honestly yet to encounter any community, movement, or definable group that doesn’t discriminate against anyone.
Yup.
What are the professionals ethics/norms around asking a current colleague to serve as a reference for a job search? We both report to the same C-suite officer. I have not confided in colleague about my job search but they would not be surprised if I do. They know my strengths and the external reasons I am not satisfied. Would I be putting colleague in a difficult position by asking for a reference? Would colleague have an ethical obligation to disclose to our mutual boss?
If you don’t trust them enough to know they wouldn’t go to your boss, don’t ask them.
This. I’ve been a reference for a current colleague before. I’d worked closely with her for years and we were good work-friends and leaned on each other to manage up to our challenging boss. I did not feel any moral quandary about enthusiastically recommending her without mentioning her job search to my boss or other current coworkers. If you have to ask, though, the answer is probably no. I know exactly which of my colleagues I would trust with this, and which I would not.
I always do this for colleagues and no, I don’t see myself as having an obligation to report it. You can separate your private friendships and professional network.
I would never, ever report a colleague’s job search to my boss – I’m not familiar with any kind of policy or job that where that would be a requirement.
Same, I do this for colleagues without hesitation, honestly even if I don’t have a personal friendship with them. I’ve never felt ethically conflicted over it – sure, maybe my company would prefer to know, but the social contract is: we want references when we hire people; but there’s significant downsides to an applicant asking their current boss for a reference. We square that circle by using colleagues.
To be honest, I have also made a habit of letting my reports know I will be a reference for them (assuming I can be a good reference!), and I appreciate a heads-up conversation if they are considering leaving & why, and I will do everything in my power to make sure that doesn’t backfire on them, including not passing the info up the chain. It’s worked out well. I figure it is still a net benefit to my company, because I can plan for the team’s future better and sometimes I can actually retain them, even if in some individual cases the company would have benefited from knowing.
All of this.
If tables were turned, would you have an ethical obligation to snitch on their job search?
I’d be inclined not to use them if you don’t have a close enough relationship with them that you are asking this question. Is there any other colleague (or former colleague) you could use? Do you actually need a reference or are you preparing just in case asked for one?
Ugh. I got a comment yesterday from a parent at my kids’ school that was just shockingly ill-informed (like how immigration and naturalization works vs just everyone from another country being an illegal alien with some getting rewarded with citizenship). I live in a major US city (that has grown from domestic migration but we still have plenty of international arrivals who vary from refugees, pro athletes, students (maybe not lately), tech workers, health care workers, etc.). It was like she had never had a history class, a civics class, or anything like that (or had never read the constitution or was unfamiliar with Hamilton). I am still shocked, not that this exists, but that it exists within my orbit. I grew up outside NYC and just about everyone I knew was an immigrant or the child or grandchild of immigrants. There were Mayflower types but we didn’t really rub shoulders with that crowd (and they were immigrants too, just first to arrive).
It’s entirely possible she never had a history, politics or governance class. The homeschool rules are incredibly lax in many places.
or that she HAD those classes but instead of getting into those types of details, they spent what felt like the entire year on the Civil War and WW2. Ahem.
Yeah my honors history classes in a “good” public school were shockingly insufficient. There are definitely things about US history I only know from Hamilton the musical. I should read more historical non-fiction to fill in the gaps but am too tired in this stage of life, lol. Maybe when my kids go to college.
Or is steeping in a community and media environment that tells her that only white Americans who can trace their ancestry back in this country for X number of years are “real” Americans.
Maybe. One of the more MAGA people I know teaches history, politics, and governance at a public school.
I think there is a wave of very interesting constitutional litigation going on right now. But there are actual rules here and people will litigate important stuff. Nothing is really secret or hidden.
And re basic math, if you like social security, the math isn’t mathing with our current birth rates. We need immigrants to maintain our lifestyle. Debate it all you want as to who gets in but we need lots of people getting in no matter how it happens.
Now ask her about what she believes about _____ (fill in the blank with a conspiracy trigger: Covid, fluoride, antisemitism, Freemasons, chemtrails….)! She’ll think you’re shockingly uninformed!
My husband is a permanent resident (aka he has a green card). So many people I’ve spoken to, even educated ones, are incredibly ignorant about how visas and residency and citizenship work (not to mention situations like asylum). My friend asked us if he’d voted yet before the election. When he replied that he’s not a citizen, she was surprised that that meant he couldn’t vote!
Part of the ignorance is that they’ve never experienced moving to another country, so why would they have an understanding of how it works? I know that I had a better understanding of my husband’s experience after having living overseas. Many Americans have never had that experience… see the number of Americans who talk about moving to Canada or Europe, as though they could just move on a whim to another country without a critical skill set or tons of money just because they really want to.
I always half jokingly say that I’m doing the taxation without the representation…
It’s different in every country though. I don’t think Americans not living abroad has much to do with not knowing the nuances of our own rules. And some rules are kind of counter-intuitive, like I knew non-citizens couldn’t vote but I was surprised to learn they can get Global Entry. I live in a college town and we have many friends who have greencards, but until we moved here and got to know a lot of people with J-1 and H1B visas and greencards, I didn’t really know a lot of the details about the US immigration system.
No, but living overseas gives you an idea of the paperwork and barriers involved.
I get this isn’t actually your point, but I wouldn’t go around assuming people have seen Hamilton. Musicals in general are very divisive with a lot of people of all political persuasions really disliking them, and then on top of it this musical had lots of hype around how expensive and exclusive it was. I get that it’s now on Disney+ but it’s still probably more likely than not that a person chosen at random has not seen it.
I had heard the songs for years and never seen the show. I have a $10 bill and Wikipedia and feel that the main songs are known by kids and likely their parents through osmosis, since it has been at least 7-10 years since it has been around.
Heh I LOVE musicals and Hamilton in particular, but I had this thought too. It’s kind of a niche interest and weird to assume everyone is into it.
Although they teach Hamilton in a lot of schools now, I think. That wouldn’t be relevant to this presumably 30+ year old mom, but it might be kind of base pop culture knowledge for the next generation of American kids.
Anyone have basic, everyday socks they love? Is Bombas still the go-to?
Bombas is too $$$. I buy whatever 100% cotton socks that Costco is carrying at that moment
Weirdly I really love J Crew Factory socks – they come in fun patterns.
Muji
I recently switched all my socks over to Bombas. They fit well and wash well. Most importantly, they don’t slip down into my sneakers and annoy the crap out of me! I’ve never found another brand that’s equivalent. The fabric always winds up breaking down at some point. It’s worth the price tag, for me.
I don’t like Bombas – I find them too thick. Zella ankle socks are my staple.
Lululemon and ondo for no shows.
I had a great sock drawer cleanout recently where I admitted to myself I was never going to darn those holes. My replacements all came from Muji and Le Bon Shoppe.
My go-tos are Puma (from Costco) at the low end, Lululemon at the higher end, and Adidas in between.
Those Pumas are great!
Sockwell for athletic socks. Pricey but worth it; I only hold onto a few pairs at a time (5?). For casual socks, I like whatever comes in actual sizes and not just “size 5-10!” because they do not fit the 10s (me). This usually ends up being Bombas.
I like Hue, but I am way too cheap for Bombas. If you want a lot of colors, look at Uniqlo’s men’s socks.
bombas but I buy them at tjmaxx/marshalls for $10/pair or less.
I’ve also had good luck with jcrew factory’s socks (so has my husband, with his feet that wear holes in socks like no other!)
I’m a fan of feetures for no-shows and athletic socks
I will be attending a formal dinner (not a ball) at a military facility to honor a veteran. I am not sure what would be most appropriate to wear. I’m thinking of black, navy or burgundy formal/semi-formal long sleeve or short sleeve dresses and wondering about the length. Midi/tea or floor length? Alternatively, I was considering an upscale suit like St John or similar in those colors. My husband (civilian) would prefer to wear a suit over a tux-thoughts on this? Thanks in advance-
How are the military members dressing? What time of day is the event? If they’re wearing dress attire and the event is in the evening, formal floor length dress for you and tux or black suit for your husband. If it’s a daytime event, knee length dress.
It’s dinner.
OP here. It’s in the evening. I assume the military personnel will be wearing dress uniforms since the invitation states formal, but have no way to confirm. I know I would wear a floor length dress for a ball, but wasn’t sure if that would be overdoing it for a dinner.
Is the veteran dead or alive?
He is alive.
These military guys know how to dress. They’re going to be there looking like Prince Charming with all their medals and sashes. I highly recommend your partner wear a tuxedo and he shine those shoes so he won’t feel underdressed. I don’t want to tell you floor length, but the equivalent of a formal dinner dress. This is a Big Deal.
Thanks for this information! We are sort of boring and nerdy. We won’t be able to compete with these dashing service members but we do want to look as though we are respectful of the event. This helps.
Military here. I’m a veteran in my own right, but my husband just retired after being the commander of a major east coast base. That means I spent two years worrying what to wear as Mrs. Commander ha! – I got you, girl.
My first reaction is to go with the St. John with good jewelry, hair, and makeup. Your husband should wear a good dark suit with a dark tie. (No light gray suit with chartreuse tie, please.)
I’m guessing you’re attending as a community partner – either you joined one of the programs to get more connected with the base or you have some local government role. Our community partners typically wore nice clothes for them, meaning, if the partner was from a more humble background, they wore the best suit or dress they had, which may or may not have been in line with what others were wearing. Some of our partners wore the same evening attire to every evening event.
You are totally welcome to call or email whoever invited you to ask for more detail on the event. People do it alllll the time, I promise. If the invitation is from the commander, reach out specifically to his or her secretary or aides. (Find a female among the aides – they get it, I promise!) For everyone but the Navy, the tuxedo uniform is called “mess dress” and the business suit is called “service dress” – that would give you insight into how formal the event really is. The Navy has 14 different uniforms that I don’t begin to understand, so I can’t help you there.
If there’s any chance this is an annual event, do try to stalk around for photos of last year. For whatever reason, our base had two annual formal events, both with the same tuxedo dress code, and one was sequins formal and one was nice-church-dress formal…which isn’t a thing, so I wore tea length. (I have no idea the history of the second event, that all the ladies seemingly had an unspoken agreement to wear whatever they found at Belk, but that was the local tradition even though the invite said mess dress, so I went with it.)
A situation like the above, where the dress code could be anything from sequins to church dress, is why I recommend the St. John with good jewelry. You’ll feel properly attired no matter what the others are wearing. And for you, this is a business event, not a social event, so the St. John walks that line nicely.
Happy to answer any other questions you might have.
Can you help me pick a sofa color for my living room? It is a small space with big windows that already has a lot of colors. The walls are a very light cappuccino foam/cream, and the floors are cork. It currently has an heirloom Turkish rug which is mainly red with cream, blue, and green accents. There is a light blue chair that goes really well with the rug. The living room opens into a dining room with another Turkish rug which is mainly sage green with red, blue accents. The dining table is wood and the chairs are dark blue with a hint of grey. We have a kid so my DH does not want a light/cream couch. I was thinking some shade of green, blue, or pink/mauve. Debating whether to go lighter or darker and try to contrast or blend in. Any ideas? Our current couch is a tan/beige that reads too brown and heavy (it is also old and uncomfortable), and doesn’t go with anything else in the room.
Go with a blue that coordinates and complements with your chair but isn’t matched. It sounds like you like a lot of color but eyes still like a place to rest. Go with simpler since your floors and walls have a lot of color
Agreed, a lighter-but-rich blue sounds perfect.
Thank you! Yes, I do like a lot of color, and like the idea of finding a complimenting blue. Appreciate your input.
cappuccino foam / cream
red, cream, blue, green
light blue
sage green, red, blue
dark blue
• I wouldn’t add pink/mauve to this mix unless you want to bring it in somewhere else as well (decor, pillow, etc.)
• I like the idea of green, depending on how long you plan to keep the couch and your trend tolerance. Green is still trending, but at some point it’s really going to be OUT again. Will that matter to you?
• Chestnut would work nicely, and blend with the light blue chair and all the rug colors. But it might be too brown for you after your current couch.
• I like blue, but you’re then heading into a blue-dominant situation, with blue dining chairs, accent chair, and couch. I might redo the dining-room chair cushions to some other color.
• Your light blue accent chair might throw a wrench in the works, depending on how hard you want to work to make sure that light blue plays well with the couch color.
Your room sounds lovely! I also vote for a blue couch. I have a blue couch in my own living room (not dark or light, kind of a medium French blue) and I love it – like the previous poster said, it gives my eyes a place to land on.
A deep forest green (on tone with the sage but darker) can play well with light blue?
I have this color combo in my bedroom and I love it!
What about a rich peacock color, and then lighten up some more of the accessories (lamps, throw pillows) in both color and form?
I am 38 and starting to struggle with putting on weight. I’ve gained 10 lbs over the past year – stressful year at work. I also had an IUD put in last year. The last couple of months I’ve tried to be more focused on exercising (lifting weights/strength training and walks) and eating healthier, but it feels like it’s totally unpredictable. I lost about 3 lbs and then over a weekend my weight went up over 4! Is this just the bloating they talk about with perimenopause? Do you have different sizes in your closet? This seems crazy to me that over a weekend I can put on that much weight! For those of you who have successfully lost 10lbs or more at this stage of life- how long did it take you to get to a stable weight again?
4 pounds in a weekend is likely bloat – see if that comes off again in a few days.
3-4 pounds is one really great poop. Look at the average of your weights over the past 10 days. Happy Scale is an app that does that very well.
Yeah, my weight fluctuates up to 5 lbs from day to day, it’s pretty normal. And it doesn’t affect how my clothes fit, but perhaps that’s my preference for looser/less fitted clothes overall.
Thanks, I just downloaded the app. This looks good!
It’s bloating (water retention), not poop. A giant poop weighs less than a pound.
That is totally normal. In fact, you may find your body weight increase after a hard workout or two because it holds onto water then. Look at averages and trends over time. You are doing the right things.
Also, I would not ascribe this to “just perimenopause” and how it is just going to be now. While you could be in peri, you are only 38. Also, I have successfully lost a lot of weight at 45 and 51, when presumably somewhere in the peri stage.
As someone trying to lose weight for the first time in a long time and is also in my 30s – this is normal. Weight will fluctuate, but trends down.
I was catching up on my Corporette reading and saw a post from last week where someone made the comment that about 10% of physical therapists are great and 5% are magicians. I want to give a shout out to Gregory Moses at Diagnostic Edge Physical Therapy in Palo Alto – https://www.diagnosticedgept.com/ Greg is a PT magician!
Greg was the fourth PT I saw for a foot injury and the only PT who was able to truly fix the issues with my foot. When I broke my wrist, he was instrumental in helping me gain full movement in my wrist after surgery. I have recommended Greg to numerous people, each of whom have said he is hands down the best PT they have seen. He is passionate about being a PT and prides himself on being able to diagnose what is causing pain and then alleviating it. Greg worked at a PT clinic in Menlo Park for several years and opened his own clinic in Palo Alto earlier this year (with no aides or PT assistants, he spends the entirety of a session with each patient). As he is in the process of building his business, he currently has plenty of availability. I cannot recommend Greg highly enough!
You might try Hobbs; they are at Bloomingdale’s. I find they run short waisted. Another option may be Boden; they are also for the short of waist. Both have good hip room; I am not sure about the waist area.
Can you guys talk some sense into me? I just got engaged, and I am so excited to marry my partner. But a few of our other couple friends have gotten engaged this summer too, and it makes it feel less special. I am also now worried about timing of weddings (like oh no, will they want December 2026 too?) and about comparisons between our engagement posts or the proposals or the wedding themselves. I know more and more people will get engaged, so I want to nip these feelings in the bud. Can you give me perspective?
Get it over with. Go to the court house and get married. Tomorrow. The prize is being together, not whatever bs social media and or your friends are doing.
Kindly, take a step back from social media. If you’re so worried about the imagery of the proposal and post that it’s overshadowing the joy of deciding to marry, it’s time to take it offline!
If you have a lot of mutual friends, budget and bandwidth for attending lots of weddings in a row is a real thing. Some people will surprise you by not attending and some will surprise you by showing up! But it’s just a day in what should be a long and happy marriage, so try to keep that in perspective. Or heck, just elope with your parents or close family members and opt out of the Wedding Industrial Complex Olympics altogether :)
While this is a wonderful event in your life, it is, indeed, not “special.” Lots and lots of people get married. It is not an accomplishment that makes a person stand out. Again, it is a great development in your life and you should be happy about it, but it’s not unique in any way.
+1
I got married 20+ years ago, around the same time as many of my friends. It never entered my mind that made my engagement and marriage “less special.” Girl, I say this with love, but you need to get over this, and quickly. The wedding is one day.
Rationally, you know that there are 8 billion people in the world, and hundreds get married every week in your state alone. And your experience isn’t tied to what others do.
Do you see somebody’s wedding or social media post and compare them and judge people for how they celebrate? The answer might be yes, if you are running in that crowd. But more likely, you would never do that, and just be happy for the couple, so trust your friends to be decent as well.
But if you want a different thought to refocus your thinking, I would try ‘how special that we are all getting engaged at the same time, and get to experience this exciting time together’. It’s not something to compete on, it’s something to bond over!
Oh lord. People are allowed to get married at the same time as you. Grow up.
Reframe. You get to go through this exciting time in your life with friends who are also doing the same thing! This is fun! You can talk wedding crap without boring or alienating your friends who don’t want to hear it as much as you’ll want to talk about it.
Also, it’s not a zero sum game. Other people getting married does not take away the specialness of your getting married. As for comparisons … ooof. If you’re really worried about this, I encourage you to do the more important work of disengaging from comparison, generally, because that’s only going to become more of a challenge as you move through adult hood, until you get to the cherished point where you DNGAF.
Gently, why do you care about what other people do? If you dont stop this now it will never end, constant comparison of house, cars, jobs, kids….
Here’s my perspective: I love seeing lots of my friends get married! They found their person! They’re happy! And they want *me* to celebrate with them, awesome!
I have never thought “gosh, Sarah & Tim’s save-the-date was kinda basic compared to Zoe & Josh’s”
It’s not a contest. One of my good friends got married a week before I did, and her wedding couldn’t have been more different than mine, and they were both great, and it didn’t occur to anybody to compare them. And now, nine years later, it’s fun to have our anniversaries so close together.
It’s special to you and your partner, it’s special to your friends, and that’s all that matters. Repeat after me: It’s not a contest.
Wow, time for some serious introspection if your reaction to your friends’ engagements is that it lessens your specialness.
You’ll definitely need to unpack some of those feelings around attention, competition etc but another frame might be that it’s FUN to do these together! I’ve been married 15 years and I still think of the year that me and 3 of my good friends got married and it’s fun to have gone through that milestone together.
some of these responses are a bit mean. i can kind of understand what you mean. when DH and I got engaged many many moons ago, I was the first of one group of friends, not the first of another, DH was the first of his friends, I was the first of my cousins. we weren’t quite at the stage where we had a wedding to go to every weekend, but no matter how many other people are getting engaged or how engagements happen, etc. it IS still special for you and your fiance. just like when/if you ever have a baby, lots of people have babies, but that doesn’t make you having yours any less special for you. I really do think comparison is the thief of joy and social media makes that more evident. Most people here responding likely did not get engaged/married in the time of social media. I got married kind of at the cusp. Instagram and Pinterest were on the borderline of being popular, but not quite yet. It is different (and not always in a good way) to be going through these milestones in the age of social media
Tech help, please! Since last night I have been having intrusive popup ads on my Android phone — not just in the browser, but the phone itself. Ironically, the ads are mostly for things like antivirus apps. (HUGE ROLLEYES!) I’ve cleared the cache, I’ve gone through notifications permissions and “apps on top of other apps” permissions, and nothing has helped. I have figured out how to get past the ads and into the content I want on my phone, but it’s still super annoying. Any ideas about how to get rid of them? Is this something the Geek Squad or similar could help with?
I would back up my data and files and do a factory reset if possible. But you don’t want to lose all your data, files and app settings if you aren’t confident in backing them up!
Unless they are ads for services that are coming from your phone manufacturer (eg. Samsung phones are running their own special cut of mostly-android) or your cell phone company (assuming you bought the phone from them, which gives them the option to install their own junk software), the most likely explanation is malware on your phone. Especially since there is a sudden rapid increase.
1. Change your passwords to anything sensitive or important you’ve logged into on your phone; and keep an extra sharp eye (from a safe device) on anything you use your phone as 2FA authentication for
2. If you installed any new apps recently, uninstall them – don’t mess with the permissions, just uninstall it.
3. Try installing and running “Play Protect” (on the Google play store; make sure you click something that is published by Google)
4. Worst case, I’d factory reset it because knowing your phone is secure is pretty critical. You can back up some data to your Google account, but yeah, if you’re not comfortable doing this yourself, geek squad might be a good idea, or you can check if there’s another repair service your phone manufacturer recommends
Has anyone bought any G Label clothing from the Goop website? It’s pricy but if the quality is there I would do it. Thanks.