Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Floral Long-Sleeve Midi Shirtdress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A dress in a moody floral print is an easy option for a fall/winter morning when putting together an outfit seems daunting. This long-sleeved shirtdress from Ted Baker is made from a gorgeous silky fabric, and the full skirt is slightly enhanced with a tulle lining to give it a little more volume.
I would pair this with a low-heeled slingback while the weather is still warm and some knee-high brown boots when it gets a little colder.
The dress is $285 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 0-14.
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Has anyone ever had a Calpak spinner suitcase? I’ve had my Samsonite for many years and the wheels are starting to get stuck. The Calpak is half off in the rose gold color I like, but I’ve never had the brand. Do the wheels glide effortlessly? Will it last? The other one I’m looking at is the Monos pro plus, but it’s $315 compared to the sale price of $150 for Calpak. Any thoughts on either of these brands? I’ve narrowed it down to these for color and other specs.
Calpak: https://www.calpaktravel.com/products/ambeur-front-pocket-carry-on-luggage/rose-gold
Monos: https://monos.com/products/carry-on-pro-plus
I haven’t tried the Calpak but I have two Monos suitcases that have been going strong for about 10 years now. I’m not a weekly business traveler but I would say I average about 10-12 trips a year so they do get put through their paces.
I’ve got a CalPak that’s almost 4 years old, and it’s holding up well! A few scratches in the sides from being tossed around, but no functional issues. I use it probably 5 times a year, though, so your mileage may vary.
I have a Calpak roller bag and I love it. It wheels so much more easily than the last roller bag I had. I have the rose gold and it does have a scuff from checking it, but I haven’t tried to clean it off yet. It’s a study bag but lightweight, and good quality. I also have a Monos carryon (under the seat size), which I love. Good quality and lot of small thoughtful details that make the bag a pleasure to use. I use it with my Calpak roller bag. Of the two brands, Monos feels higher end. I ordered and returned a Calpak carryon in favor of the Monos bag.
Help me out. Attended a wedding over the weekend and need gift ideas. Couple is in their 60s, combining households, and no mention of gifts in invite – either a link to a registry or requesting “no gifts.” There was a table in at the reception with plenty of bags on it, so others found something to give. I’m thinking either something to commemorate the occasion, or an experience – gift card to fancy restaurant? Could really use some creative thinking here!
Gift card to a nice restaurant is my go-to when there’s no registry and I don’t want to give cash. Just make sure it covers a decent meal for two – this is probably more of an issue at tasting menu places, but we got a gift card to a fancy Michelin starred place and although it was a very generous gift card, it only covered about half the cost of the basic tasting menu for two w/o any wine pairings or extras. We wouldn’t have chosen that restaurant ourselves, so dropping hundreds of dollars to eat there was kind of annoying.
Assuming your budget is a few hundred, my go to this situation is small, expensive and frivolous. I’ve done stuff like matching LV or Hermes espresso or coffee cups (or whatever their favorite designer is), and if they are drinkers, crystal shot glasses or cordial glasses. The shot glasses have been particularly popular, and friends have commented on using them for years.
Yep, this. My go-to is a Tiffany cocktail stir spoon. Ridiculous and pretty. I pair it with a bottle of St. Germaine so it looks pretty. I also do monogrammed hand towels for the bathroom. It’s very know your audience, but this is mine.
Would you consider a donation in their names to a cause you know they like? I’m just thinking if they’re especially NOT in need of Things and they have their own money, in my circle this is a nice way to honor and celebrate a happy occasion
It’s know your people, but I really like it!
My MIL is marrying her longtime partner soon, in an intimate ceremony (city hall wedding with immediate family, nice brunch at a restaurant after that). We are happy for them, no issues. She called me a few weeks ago to block off the date, and I said we were free that day – which we were. But we are in the process of doing IVF, and just got clearance to go ahead this cycle, with my FET scheduled 3 days before their wedding day, and instructions to be on bed rest for 4 days. My husband told her this and told her I might not be there – I actually was planning to go anyway, because it’s not strict bed rest, just “take it easy”. But I guess DH was trying to manage his mom’s expectations, and this triggered a massive crisis where she told me she was “very disappointed” because she told us to save the date and now she’s angry. And I get that weddings are important, but I have no control over my body’s timing, we have been waiting a long time for this, and I would have needed to wait another month without knowing for sure what would happen with the dates. So this feels like a weird thing to be angry about? And we told her I was going to come anyway unless I’m really not up to it, but she is still annoyed that we are “taking a risk” and I’m a bit annoyed because she also knows how important this is for us too, and she also really wants a grandchild, and no matter what her son will be there. What’s the right response here?
Give everyone time to have their big feelings and then to get over it. It sounds like everyone is in a big life transition right now. You’ll laugh about it later when you’re surrounded by a bigger loving family.
+1. I’ve been through some difficult IVF cycles and I have a ton of empathy for both you and your MIL. I think if you let things settle for a little while she’ll probably feel differently, and I also think you’ll probably be able to go. It’s just a really emotional time for everyone.
+2. Try to go if you can though!
This, 100%. Make the decision that’s right for you, communicate it kindly, and then let everyone have their feelings about it, which aren’t yours to micromanage.
Given that you told her about the IVF, she’s being very unreasonable. I could understand this reaction if you didn’t feel comfortable disclosing the reason and she was envisioning you missing the wedding for something less significant. But with the knowledge of what’s happening, there’s no excuse for her behaving this way.
Re: whether or not to go, I’d get doctors advice and follow it and blame your decisions on the doctor.
IVF meaning bed rest for 4 days isn’t common knowledge. Like MIL might have heard they were trying IVF but have no clue what that involves beyond visiting a doctor.
I didn’t mean that she should know the details of IVF in advance (I didn’t either), but she knows that OP isn’t skipping it for something trivial like hanging out with friends she can see any old time of the week. IVF is a medical procedure and “I’m having a medical procedure and am skipping XYZ on the advice of my doctor” is about as good an excuse as it gets for an absence from an important event.
It’s not common knowledge because it’s not normal advice.
It’s not weird to be mad about it, her wedding is important to her just like yours probably was to you, you’re in baby making myopia land right now. Many of us have been there and it’s hard to see past it right now, but her feelings are absolutely valid. I wouldn’t discuss more, I would go to the wedding – a breakfast after city hall isn’t that tiring and you can rest all day after.
Agreed. It is totally fair that she is disappointed. I actually feel like the biggest mistake here was your husband telling her that you might not go, especially since you are planning to go. Probably would have been easier to call out day of if you were really feeling ill.
But that ship has clearly sailed. So at this point, I would do your best to make it. And if you can’t, try to be really empathetic to her feelings. And don’t give the vibe that it is no big deal just because this is a second marriage / later in life marriage.
This is a tricky one. It’s completely your right to do whatever you need to do, including starting something as sensitive/fraught as IVF during this available window, and it’s extremely understandable that she’s disappointed. It’s her wedding! When people have small city hall weddings, the whole point is for only their most treasured guests to get an invite.
Just to add, whatever you do, don’t come at her as if she’s being totally crazy and unreasonable for being disappointed. She needs to treat you with respect, of course, but just don’t play the victim. Neither of you should.
This is an unfortunate conflict — something big came up for you and you can’t attend MIL’s wedding. She is allowed to be upset about that, and you’re allowed to follow your doctor’s advice and stay home anyway. Hopefully she’s not so upset that it ruins the day for her, but it’s not on you to make it right. You can make plans to celebrate her and her new partner on a different day, and make sure to follow through on those. But basically this is a disappointing experience that can’t be fixed, and that happens sometimes. Good luck with your IVF!
Be very wary of the idea that you can make up for missing a big life event “later.” You cannot. Dinner at a restaurant is not the same as going to someone’s wedding. It’s just too convenient of a fiction for people who won’t make the effort to do something a little hard for them.
Surely it’s better than not making it to the event and doing nothing at all afterward?
It’s better than doing nothing but I agree with Anon that it’s disingenuous to consider a wedding and a nice dinner at another time as similar things. It sounds like MIL may have been waiting for this wedding for a while.
I just don’t think it even counts at all. It is critical to show up for people when it counts. Dinner on your schedule isn’t doing that at all. You can fool yourself and pretend you’re a good friend or whatever, but you aren’t.
Understood. I’ve had some accessibility challenges with medical needs comparable to OP’s and definitely don’t feel like a good friend. It feels more like friendship is for people who don’t have this kind of stuff going on.
+1. I had someone bail on a significant event and act like “let’s grab coffee next week!” was sufficient. It wasn’t.
Except she literally absolutely can attend and just dumped this stress on MIL for no reason. A FET doesn’t require bed rest she wasn’t even told to do bed rest and there’s absolutely no reason to skip a wedding.
I cancelled sooo many vacations and plans during my 2 years of IVF hell. Do not cancel your FET cycle for this wedding. You never know if that could delay you just one month, or something happens and you are delayed several months. I developed uterine polyps that delayed us 3 months at one point. So heartbreakingly frustrating.
That being said, I was only told to take it easy the day of the transfer itself. After that, no heart rate over 110, no lifting, no sex, etc. Attending a casual wedding a couple days later would have been well within my restrictions. My understanding is that there isn’t a lot of evidence for the activity restrictions and clinics vary widely in what they recommend. I think you should ask your doctor this question specifically and I bet you will feel better about attending. It may be a pleasant distraction while you are counting down the days to taking a pregnancy test.
Sending you baby dust!
Yup, I had a successful FET and was only told to avoid strenuous workouts for 36 hours. I would touch base with your RE about the reasoning of four days of bed rest, that’s way outside the recommendations I’ve seen for friends and others online.
Personally I would go. I think it’s totally reasonable for her to be disappointed. There is absolutely no evidence bed rest after FET is beneficial and it may actually do more harm than good. Also, “taking it easy” can absolutely still mean you can go.
I have had all 3 of my kids through IVF so I am very familiar with the process.
So, I am planning on going unless I don’t feel well. But I have specific risk factors that make me more in need of bed rest than the average IVF patient.
So why did you drop this bomb on her if you were always planning on going? Something’s not adding up here. Of course you could have bailed last minute if you truly had a health problem, but that’s different from advance notice that you’re not going.
I didn’t actually say anything about it, DH did. He was excited about the IVF and was trying to manage her expectations based on what he heard the doctor say, which was “four days of bed rest”. He wasn’t there for my later appointment where I asked if it was strict bed rest and she said something similar to the other comment – stay in bed for 24 hours, then just take it really easy for the next 3 days. I think going to this wedding is probably fine and didn’t bring it up with MIL because I am planning on going barring any unexpected issues, but I’m not faulting DH for trying to follow the doctor’s instructions and wish my MIL hadn’t reacted so intensely and would have let it go once I said “this was a misunderstanding, I plan on going unless I have unexpected issues”.
She said her husband said she “might not be there” which doesn’t sound inconsistent with what she said here? Just a head’s up that it’s a possibility she won’t attend depending on how she feels.
“wish my MIL hadn’t reacted so intensely and would have let it go …” It’s super hard for people who react intensely to simply let stuff go on the spot. I understand the wish that your MIL had simply been calm and understanding and gentle, but it sounds like she’s maybe not instinctively that kind of person.
I’d prescribe some space all around, and some grace for her and for you. You’re both looking at big life changes that are deeply meaningful to you, and that are the primary events in your lives right now. She tried to work with you by asking you what dates worked for you. You’re trying to work with her by finding a way to be there.
So sick of reading things here like “something’s not adding up here”, esp. when the issue is addressed in the original post and the case member just didn’t read carefully but then wants to accuse the poster of being dishonest or a poor witness to their own situation. It is rude.
Why wouldn’t you feel well? None of this makes sense. Be mad at your husband not her.
Because I have a blood clotting disorder that means I have certain risk factors beyond the regular IVF cycle. That’s why I didn’t know if we were doing IVF at the time MIL told me about the date – we were waiting for results on certain tests to get the green light. And we’re going forward, but I have higher risk factors. I don’t know how much of the details of this MIL knows, but she knows this at a high level. The doctor told my husband “OP needs to be on bed rest for 4 days” and husband said “hey mom OP might not be able to be there because she needs to be on bed rest for 4 days”.
Different poster but here’s a systematic review to that effect: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31520259/
so I think ideally at the time of the original question you would have said what you said here – “whether I’m up for it or not that specific day will really depend on where I am in the IVF cycle – it’s possible I will be on bed rest! a date that is a week or two later is likely more reliable that I’ll be in good shape to attend”
in your MIL’s shoes I would be kind of miffed that I hadn’t been given the opportunity to plan around your contingency, since it sounds like IVF is not a secret.
if IVF WAS a secret then I think you would have been better off saying nothing in advance and suddenly having a day-of illness “emergency” that you can’t come if feeling terrible.
What to do now? Apologize even though it’s not 100% apology-worthy, IMHO.
It’s not just if the IVF was a secret or not but also if MIL knew what IVF involves. I had no clue until this post that IVF involves bed rest or needs to be timed so exactly.
It doesn’t!!! It does not require bed rest. And you can take your meds wherever. Airplane bathroom. On the Mall for the Coronation. At a Taylor Swift concert.
I mentioned above that I have specific risk factors that go beyond the regular IVF protocol. But this isn’t a universal truth – I take intramuscular injections for Progesterone, and they are painful and involve manipulating syringes, etc. I would not want to do that at the mall. IVF protocols vary depending on the patients!
Agreed. It sounds like you guys made a mistake in planting the seed in her head, because now she’s hearing that you’re probably not coming and that her own son probably won’t come either because he’s going to need to stay home and support you. I also detect a strong undercurrent of “what’s the big deal with her, it’s just a wedding” which is also…not the way.
What I would do now: “MIL, I’m so sorry for the confusion and for introducing this possibility before the big day when it wasn’t a real risk. We had a miscommunication and there is no reason to believe I won’t be there as planned. I’ll take it easy (no wild alcoholic brunches for me!) and sit down often and it will be totally fine. I can’t wait to celebrate with you and with any luck, we’ll have more to celebrate in 9 months.”
Just to be clear there was never any question that he was coming! If I’m on bed rest I can chill alone for a few hours. Unless
I’m in the ER or something, DH is definitely going.
Yes but she is concerned!! He made her concerned clearly. And he should apologize.
I like 9:48’s suggestion. Your MIL is within her rights to be disappointed by your DH telling her that you (OP) may well not be able to come, when not that long ago you both sounded like a definite yes, for a huge life event for her. Where you both are so meaningful to her that she literally scheduled it to accommodate you.
This. Her wedding matters too.
This is a really good response.
This is a great “what if'” but if you had bothered to read the post, you would have seen that the OP did not know the timing when the original question was posed.
I did read the post? My suggestion was based on the idea of giving themselves a ‘blackout’ of a few weekends to cover the likely window for the most intense part of IVF – knowing it’s not exact.
We have been dealing with infertility for 2 years now and were waiting for the results of specific tests to find out if we would try another cycle with a different protocol. I had no idea if it would be in September or sometime in the new year. If I blacked out my life based on the possibility of IVF, I would never do anything.
Well, you both have the right to be upset but you both need to be adults and move past it. She shouldn’t be expected to reschedule a wedding for you and you shouldn’t delay baby having for hers.
Ideally you’d have had DH carefully word the message to her to say OF COURSE he will be there and you will be there barring anything unforeseen w/r/t IVF. She may not have been through the process and may feel like you are preemptively blowing it off because you “might” feel bad.
“She may feel like you are preemptively blowing it off because you “might” feel bad.” is a real possibility here. I don’t actually get the vibe that that’s the main driver of the conflict from the original post, but I will say that I have family members who do that kind of thing all the time and it’s super frustrating.
I can understand that she’s “disappointed”, but she lost me at “angry.” But then she also gets to be annoyed that you’re “taking a risk”? Wow.
Without knowing your specific risk factors, which of course only you do–not sure if she does, and we here don’t need to know–one problem is that “take it easy” is nebulous. That could be anything from complete bed rest to not going to Crossfit that day.
Not sure that I’d ever laugh about it later, though, especially if you have a bad outcome or if you go and feel terrible. I think you know that she’s way out of line.
It sounds like you had the right response, to say you’d go if you felt up to it. And also to be annoyed at her childish, selfish response(s).
I think the risk thing means that the mom is now feeling upset and conflicted because she clearly wants them to come, but would feel terrible if anything happened to the pregnancy because of her insistence on it. That’s a sh1t position to be in.
Yes exactly. And now they’ve dumped that on her for no reason.
This. If the IVF is not successful, MIL is going to feel like it’s her fault for insisting on attendance which is a crummy way to feel about your wedding. This is on DH and it might be worth a chat that IVF and pregnancy can both be tricky roads to navigate and he needs to be more conscious of what he says.
Yeah I’m really surprised at all the comments defending the MIL. Disappointed? of course, that’s only natural. But OP said she’s “very angry.” That’s completely different.
And being mad at OP for “taking a risk” if she does go is just wildly hypocritical and makes it seem like she just wants to be mad no matter what.
OP’s husband put MIL in a no win situation. There are zero emotions she’s “allowed” to have. It was shitty of him to do that and selfish.
There’s plenty of emotions she’s “allowed” to have – disappointment, sadness, frustration, etc. Anger is just not an appropriate emotion for this situation. *Especially* when she’s pressuring them to give her a grandkid!
Totally agree
Yeah, I agree. If she insists they come to her wedding (her wedding!), she’s selfish and understanding. If she insists they stay home and not worry about it, two people she dearly wanted to attend won’t. He should have kept his mouth shut and relied on OP skipping on the day of for “feeling very ill” if they needed to, and it sounds like there was only the remotest chance of that.
I read the MIL’s comments differently. She seems frustrated because from her perspective OP and her husband have put her in a no-win situation. You didn’t warn her that your assent on the save-the-date was conditional on IVF timing. She thought you were committed to attend. She really wants you to be there, but she also doesn’t want to feel responsible if something goes wrong with the transfer.
You and MIL are each entitled to feel that your “thing” (her: wedding; you: IVF) is the most important thing in your own life. Each of you is frustrated that the other is not prioritizing that thing above her own thing. She’s just not verbalizing her frustration in the kindest way.
The real mistake here was your husband’s. He should not have said anything to his mother because it was likely that you’d make it. In the unlikely event that you ended up on bed rest, that would be something to announce the night before or the day of as an unexpected emergency, which for your MIL would be disappointing but easily understood.
+1
I don’t think OP did anything wrong, but it sounds like her husband stepped in it. This is the exact sort of thing my husband does, innocently framing things in really rude and insensitive ways thinking he’s being helpful by sharing relevant information. If he’s clueless enough to unnecessarily raise it with MIL, he may also have worded it in a weird way that made it sound like the weddings not important or OP would just prefer not to come. Villainizing the MIL and doubling down about how I’m right and you’re wrong may be satisfying in the moment but it’s no way to maintain a relationship.
Yes… my husband is very innocent of subtext. He has had to learn not to be the go-between for me and my MIL because he just can’t navigate the landmines.
Go to the wedding!!! You do not need any bed rest at all post FET. The research supports returning to normal life. And like idk obvi she’s upset and didn’t react amazing but if you thought you’d likely still go there was no need to even tell her this and make it a thing. And ask yourself what other dated paternalistic advice your clinic might be giving.
Bed rest is completely non-supported by evidence. I’d side eye any doctor who recommended it. And for four days!!! Wildly out of date advice.
She did say she had some special risk factors, and without knowing what those are, I don’t know what the indication was either.
In general, evidence based medicine is about the typical patient, not the unusual patients with factors that aren’t as well represented in research, so it’s not clear to me yet that this practice is just incompetent.
If this transfer fails, find a new clinic. There’s no evidence supporting four days of bed rest for IVF, and most clinics haven’t recommended any bed rest at all since like 2015. Your clinic is out of date.
Do you ever feel like everything is going wrong at once and everything feels wrong. Like you’ve stumbled into the wrong timeline or something. Job, parenting, politics.
Yes, we are objectively doing well but everything is so hard.
We had issues with fertility so we are dealing with young children and significant elder care to support aging/dying parents at the same time.
In the background the world is burning and we are part of a marginal community.
Yes. I think sometimes you just step in it. The only way out is through. I feel like you have to just swim with the current, like you would in a rip tide. Just struggling doesn’t help and can hurt. I like to acknowledge the suckiness and triage what I can control (e.g., parenting) and take a break from what I cannot (e.g., politics).
good advice – thank you
Absolutely. During the Reagan, the junior Bush, and both Trump terms. It’s really hard to deal with the chaos they cause and not have any support at work. Whether it’s people being deported without due process, people being deprived of medical care and thrown on the street, or soldiers lives being wasted in ill conceived military action, each one has been uniquely gutting.
This is me right now too.
I wrote a list of all the things going wrong. Then I wrote a list of what is in my power to change.
I would be actioning more of that list of what I can change if my child wasn’t vomiting for most of the night!
Today is a day of survival not of winning. Winning is actioning the list of things in my power to change. Just know you aren’t alone. My list of things going wrong was 6 things. My immediate action list filled the page.
Yup. I’m gearing up for conference season, I’m running a big work event, my older kid’s finalizing college applications, and my mom is having some serious health issues and will likely be going into memory care. I’m running on fumes. I’m focusing on rest, nutrition, and giving myself lots of grace. I’m not a great global citizen right now, and I’m not giving to my community because right now I need to focus on my small family unit. That’s ok. It’s a season and seasons will change. Wishing you all the best.
My life is a series of ongoing dumpster fires right now, that would out me if I were to describe them. I don’t wish it on anyone.
I’m looking for a white button down that doesn’t wrinkle and isn’t see-through. Any recs? Will unfortunately be stuck with online shopping due to a crazy work period which makes it difficult to search for these two features. TIA!
I haven’t tried them yet, but Spanx has these shirts now. Some are silky and some are not.
Following with interest.
I’ve been looking at Foxcroft for this. I have a striped wrinkle-free button-down from them and I love it. Thinking of picking up a plain white one next.
Are parents in your circle going to visit their freshmen and sophomore college students a lot these days? Like, school’s been in session 6 weeks, why are you already posting pics of yourself with Junior in his dorm and posting what a fun time you’re having? Cut the apron strings – he can and NEEDS to survive without you! I didn’t see my mom until Christmas break my freshman year. (These are long distance colleges several states away, so there’s a concerted plan with time and money involved to go visit Junior, not just an afternoon jaunt.)
Parents weekend is in early-mid October at most schools. I went 2,000 miles away for college in 2002 and my parents visited about 6 weeks after the school year had started for parents weekend. They didn’t come back to campus for at least another year, maybe longer, but I went home at Thanksgiving which I think is fairly normal. I think it’s kind of sad to not see your parents at all until Christmas break and would never put my kid in that position unless money was extremely tight.
+1
I went to college about 3 hours away and my parents came for freshman year parents’ weekend (made sure I was settled in, met some of my new friends, walked around campus, took me out for a nice dinner) and maybe one other visit per school year. I went home for most of my breaks.
don’t a lot of schools have parents’ weekends mid-fall?
And many people do it when kid is a freshman (or until a second kid is a freshman). I live in SEC land, so many people go to games anyway. I went to college 8 hours from home but many times schools are so close you can just drive in for the day and are fun places to visit.
I see a ton of work colleagues heading to parent weekend for their college kids. We did not do that, but each to her own.
Back in the 90s, my parents came up for parent’s weekend, which was… right about now, looking at my school’s website. I think this is pretty normal and has been since my parents went to college even in the 60s, since my mom made a point that she didn’t see her parents until parents weekend, and neither would I. (I was having waaay too much fun to miss her, but she didn’t need to know that!)
minding your own business is free
yea i work at a college and we just had families weekend this past weekend. not everyone’s parents come, but many do
My daughter is a sophomore. Last year we did attend parents’ weekend in October because we knew she would feel left out and sad if we didn’t make it when all her friends’ parents did, and because the freshman musical ensembles all gave their very first college concert that weekend. This year we are not going because it definitely seemed geared towards freshman families, because we are not made of money, and because our daughter is better adjusted to college life and doesn’t need to see us.
I have some friends who regularly visit their kids at college out of state, regardless of class year. Some of it is football tailgating and some of it is just visiting. Some of these are clingy moms and some are just close families where the kids are happy to see the parents. Good for you, not for me.
If I had the money and PTO I would go to all of my kid’s concerts and recitals and plays, but I wouldn’t insist she spend the whole weekend entertaining us. Fortunately, her college streams nearly all performances so we don’t have to miss them.
It was common at my college too for it to be more of a thing for freshman parents. I know my parents came my freshman year. I can’t remember if they came any other years, but I don’t think so.
Same but I was a days drive and had a sibling and both parents worked. I think they just did freshman parents weekend and graduation as their trips outside of mobe in/ out.
My parents came to visit once in the fall my first year 25 years ago. It was literally called parents weekend and most people had a parent visit. It’s possible to just like your family and enjoy seeing them without it being pathological over involvement.
My friend group isn’t here yet, but I also wouldn’t classify visiting after 6 weeks being “a lot”. I think I saw my parents more frequently than that when I was in college and I grew up to be a fully independent adult.
TBH I was kind of jealous of the kids whose parents actually loved them enough to visit and support.
+1. My boomer parents dropped me off in the summer, picked me up in the spring and that was it. No visits until graduation and I had to make my own way home for holidays. Lots of ‘you’re an adult now, why do you need us to visit?’
I figured it out (and my very kind friend’s parents had me tag along for dinners out with them). Would I treat my own kids that way now? No, I love my kids and I like spending time with them. Shockingly, I’m not very close to my parents and they’re stumped as to why….
I am all about independence, but it’s asking a lot of a freshman to spend family weekend alone when everyone else’s parents are there. Most of these kids have never been away from home before, either. My kid’s longest summer camp was 3 weeks. She is an outlier among her high school peers, most of whom never went to camp at all.
These are the same rich people who are going to give their kids down payments on houses and $200K weddings. Cutting the apron strings is not what they do.
It was parents weekend at many schools recently. It’s a tradition that many families participate in and the schools plan a lot of great events.
Sorry your mom didn’t visit you at school; sounds like you need to unpack that in therapy.
Yup!!
Who cares? Seriously, of all the things to get worked up about, this isn’t in my top thousand.
+1. This is 100% between the other kid and their parents. Who are you to judge how often they visit? Maybe the kid was having a rough time and asked the parents to come. Maybe the parents had nothing to do that weekend, and the kid was happy to have them come visit for a couple days. Maybe it was parents weekend at that college. Who cares!
is this about you and your kid? you and your parents? your clear nastiness about your friend and their kid? i am the parent of a college freshman and plan to go to the scheduled parent’s weekend next week. for what it’s worth this isn’t new, my parents came to my parents weekend. yes, kids who live far from school might not have parents visit. as with basically everything, do what works for your family and stay out of what others do.
I saw my parents quite a few times my freshman year of college, but I can assure you I am quite independent (I now live in TX and all family on the east coast). first they dropped me off/moved me in for a pre-orientation program, then they came back for regular move-in bc it was on their way to a wedding (I went to college in PA, they live in MD and wedding was in NY) they were attending and there was a program for parents, then we are Jewish and my entire extended family of 25+ people happens to convene in the city where i went to college for Rosh Hashanah, so I saw them then, then I saw them for parents weekend, then went home for fall break, and then thanksgiving. Many years I did not go home for the entirety of the spring semester. I studied abroad in Spain and while my dad came to visit once, my mom didn’t. On the flip side, DH’s parents who lived about equidistant from where we went to college and had the same financial resources as my parents, maybe came for parents weekend freshman year, and that was it. I can assure you that he is no more or less independent than I am.
Parent weekend just happened, this is very normal. Why are you so upset that other people sacrificed time and money to enjoy traveling to spend a few hours with their semi-grown kids 6 weeks after sending them halfway across the country?
OTOH, my mom friends think I’m horrible and cold and uncaring for shipping my child 1200 miles away and *only* visiting on family weekend.
Yeah it’s parents’ weekend season. Parents helicopter too much these days but this isn’t an example of that. Parents’ weekend has been a thing at least since my parents were in college in the 70s.
Any other NYC 8th grader parents here wondering when the high school application form will actually open up? My teacher husband predicts 11:59pm. I am torturing myself but really want to know my son’s lottery and group number, partially so I can decide if this high school tour we signed up for at 8am tomorrow is a waste of time.
Commiserations. I’m in north Jersey. What you guys go through is the worst. Good luck.
So much commiseration! We’re probably going Catholic rather than public, so not really waiting on the application form, but no matter what you do, this whole NYC high school admissions thing is ridiculous. On the bright side, I guess we’ll all be really well prepared for college admissions?
Commiseration. We’re not in the city any longer but my friend’s kids are cramming for the specialized high school test and worrying about their lottery. It’s a ridiculous system and it’s only gotten worse over the years.
What high school are you planning to tour?
anyone ever travel with a supervisor who wants to go out/ drink? going to vegas next week with my boss and she keeps saying how much fun we are going to have. any guidance for setting baseline expectations, i’m happy to have dinner but i don’t drink and probably don’t gamble.
If you don’t drink at all, I’d give her a head’s up in advance. I’m a very light drinker (and have been a non-drinker at various points in my adult life) and I’d think it was kind of weird if I’d been talking to someone for weeks about going out drinking together and they didn’t tell me they don’t drink until we were actually at the bar. No one wants to sit and drink alone with a sober person watching them. Give her notice so she can plan something else that doesn’t revolve around alcohol.
i have said it. it appears she isn’t listening. i’m not “sober” i just don’t feel well when i drink so i don’t.
+1. It is totally fine if you don’t drink, but I would let her know now.
Hard to give too much advice without knowing more about your supervisor’s approach to activities like this – is she likely to pressure you? Has she talked about wanting to gamble or drink a lot? Anyways, I think the best way to deal with people like this is just to set your boundaries firmly and in the moment, but in a way that seems matter of fact but *so casual* that you don’t garner any push back. I’ve found that a simple “oh just club soda for me” or “oh I don’t drink” or “I’ll pass on gambling but would love to check out abc” is most effective. Any defensiveness or explanations or apologetics seems to inspire boundary-pushing types to push boundaries. I don’t even know that I would try to set baseline expectations in advance if she’s a boundary pusher – this just gives people an opening to challenge you or start to wear you down.
I would call going out drinking or gambling with a subordinate inappropriate. This is different from going out to dinner and having a drink with dinner, going to a museum or a normal tourist attraction while you’re in town, etc.
I would tell her just what you told us: I’m happy to have dinner, but I’ll pass on the bars and casinos. Then when she pressures you to go out on the town after dinner be polite but firm. “Sorry, I’m done for the day. Have fun!”
I’m up for dinner after a day of conference events, but otherwise need time by myself to recharge when I travel. I dislike busy, crowded, party scenes with loads of strangers, and would be fine telling my boss I plan to head back to the hotel after dinner to catch up on email/call my spouse/workout/whatever.
My go to is to suggest fancier cocktail bars that take a while to make good drinks. If she is in to reality TV, the Vanderpump bars all have good mocktails, and are fun but not a get wasted place. The chandelier bar at the Cosmo is also delightfully slow, so it will be only a one or two drink place. I’d also divert attention to seeing OZ at the Sphere, or going to check out Eataly or any of the restaurants at ParkMGM. There is plenty of fun things to do in Vegas that do not involve gambling or a lot of alcohol.
This is where mocktails are your friend. They look like a drink, and if you haven’t made a big fuss about it in advance, and they have one with a silly name, order that and she likely won’t even notice. On gambling, I would just excuse myself with a joke about not having money to burn and bail when she heads there.
I go out to dinner with my boss or clients when I travel but I put a hard stop past that. They can think I’m boring or whatever, but I personally don’t want to party with people I work with unless they are my actual friends (not my boss). I have known too many people who were with male bosses in particular who got out of hand and then they had to babysit them. I truly don’t even understand treating business trips as your last opportunity to ever drink again so you get wasted but unfortunately a lot of people do that.
Looking for ideas for my 40th next year. Early December, coming from east coast, 2 former world travelers and an almost 4 YO girl. We were thinking Costa Rica but DH and I have both already been, though separately and 10+ years ago. Budget around 10k.
For DH’s 40th we went to Alaska but that was pre-kid. We’ve both been to most of western Europe, parts of South America, and Asia. Don’t want an incredibly long flight with a toddler, warm or tolerable weather, and a kid friendly place ideally with a kids club.
I would probably go somewhere in the Caribbean. The Four Seasons Anguilla is nice and has a kids club, but I think it starts at age 5. If your daughter will be 5 soon, they may let her in (they did this for friends of ours). Rosewood Little Dix Bay in the British Virgin Islands is also a good option. I think their kids club starts at age 4.
I would save Costa Rica until your daughter is a bit older so she can go ziplining, etc.
Agree with the poster above on saving Costa Rica for school age kids – tons of active stuff and wildlife there that will be thrilling to an elementary age kid and pretty much lost on a 3 year old.
Luxe Caribbean resort would probably be my suggestion as well, and early December is a great time to go – great weather but technically low season and your budget will go farther. There are a few kids clubs that start at age 3 although 4 is more common and unlike the poster above I’ve found that they’re quite strict with age cutoffs.
I am the previous poster and, I missed the *almost* qualifier about OP’s daughter’s age. Yeah, they won’t let a 3 yo into a 5+ kids club. Our friend’s daughter was turning 5 a month later, when FS Anguilla let her in.
Wirecutter is showcasing a deal on the Braun Silk Expert Pro 5, an at-home “laser” hair remover. I had laser hair removal on my lower legs years ago at a medspa – some of the best money I ever spent as it has saved me countless hours of shaving. But I do get occasional strays and am wondering whether this would be a good device to get rid of those permanently. Have you used one of these devices and if so, how were your results? How painful? (I found the laser treatments tolerable, although could only do 30 minutes at a time. I did have a pretty bad reaction to the first one – broke out like the measles – and had to take benadryl before all future sessions).
I have an older version of this device. It worked well on my dark hair/pale skin (70% of my hair is gone after one summer of use). It’s barely painful – similar to plucking a stubborn hair. The most annoying part is that you need to be meticulous about placement – it’s a solid 60 minutes to do my underams, bikini line, upper lip, and both legs with my legs taking a good 45 minutes.
I have one of these. It’s IPL, not laser. If I did it for the recommended time frame (I think once a week for 6 weeks??) I’d stay hair free for months, but it would eventually grow back. It’s not permanent but works well. Completely painless. I later had laser so I didn’t have to keep using the Braun, but I was impressed at how well it worked for me.
Same experience. Question though–did you feel your shins get a little (on and off) numb after using it for a while?
i had excellent results with it, but just like a true laser, it doesn’t get everything (I have a mix of dark and light hair). So if your regrowth is fine or lighter, you may not have good results. it is not painful, and takes less than five minutes to do my legs. It is different from laser in that the results are not immediate, it took several weeks before I saw a real difference, but absolutely worth the money I spent on it.
Today I tried on two pairs of skinny jeans, realized they’re so skinny I have trouble getting them over my feet and so tight I have to jump to get them on, and so low that I can’t bend over and decided – I’m donating these, not hanging onto them in case for some reason I need to wear uncomfortable, ill-fitting jeans. What freedom!
Isn’t it funny that used to be standard for jeans and now I wouldn’t wear anything skinner than a straight leg.
I am in my mid-40s and recently received an unexpected bonus. I am finally allowing myself to look at my closet with a very critical eye. Buying items to fill gaps and replace things that don’t quite work, either for color, style, condition, or size.
There are a few items (very few) that are in good condition, great style that won’t quickly become dated, and are good color for me, but that just don’t fit me at my current weight. I am letting myself keep those. I am giving myself permission to get rid of everything else. It’s quite freeing! The idea of opening my closet and only seeing things I really love to wear, not just things I settled for because the price was right, is so exciting.
I completely agree, just turned 40 and feeling the same way! Also getting rid of tops that consistently ride up and have to be tugged down, tops that are 10+ years old and originally purchased for $20, tired sports bras that don’t give support, and any clothes gifted to me by my ex-husband (the diamond jewelry I’m hanging onto).
I’m wearing skinny jeans today but I’m working from home, so it doesn’t really matter. My jeans are not that hard to get on! There’s a difference between dated and too small.
Totally agree! I’d still do a high-waisted skinny that was comfortable and looked good, even if it’s not the most current cut.
The skinnies that fit me above the knee still feel awfully tight below the knee. Maybe I have big feet and calves, I don’t know.
I kept ONE pair, in case I decide to wear my cowboy boots one day. Everything else was donated!
Background: I’m 31, single and dating a lot, like 90% sure I want kids. I rent an apartment I really like and drive an old yet so far reliable car, have a great social life and lots of hobbies. I really like my job, make decent money. TLDR: for the first time in my adult life, I feel like I’m overall in a good place minus being single.
I feel like if I do find a partner, so much in my life could change. But also, I might not find a partner.
I don’t want to be someone who puts off something I want just because I may or may not find someone. But also, how I spend my money and my time is a little contingent on that!
For those in similar situations, how did you make those decisions? Anything you’re glad you did? Any regrets?
I have a superstition that if you rely on or make space for something that might or might not happen, you guarantee that it will not happen. The only way it will happen is if you go about your life assuming it will not happen. If you want to buy a home or have a child on your own and you feel the time is right, do it! If the right partner happens to come along, you will find a way to make it work.
I was in a similar place a couple years ago and just decided that I was going to do what I wanted to do, regardless of having a partner or not. I’d rather enjoy my life and do things I enjoy than regret not doing them because I didn’t have someone to share them with.
I traveled solo, bought a condo, took on work projects that interested me, started a certificate program to advance at work, poured love into my nieces and nephews…all the things. I thought about my life as it was and if I never found a partner what that life would look like decades down the road…and decided I wanted to be happy, fulfilled, and content with my own company.
There is no downside to doing things you want to do now regardless of being partnered or not. I didn’t want to be 70 years old and still hadn’t traveled to places I wanted to visit or without close relationships with my family.
If you are 90% sure you want kids, make an effort to date. It takes time to find the right person, get married, and set your life up for kids. Have you had bad experiences with dating?
OP says she’s dating a lot
That was me! I never regretted saving a bit extra or staying put in my reasonable but not amazing apartment. I do not regret traveling to places I love, I wish I had wasted less money on random air bnb weekends with friends that I didn’t enjoy. I wish I had spent a bit more on home things and settling in. And I’m glad I had enough money for all the fertility treatment it took to get a baby at 42 (I also don’t regret that wait, it’s the timing that worked for me). I regret not having more casual hook ups!
What decision exactly are you trying to make?
31 is young. You don’t have to take action today on whether to have kids. You could meet the right person and be married within a year, and have a child within a year of that, and still only be 33-34 which by American professional standards is practically a teen mom.
This is an optimistic take.
I don’t understand what you’re asking. Live your life — sounds like it’s all going great. You’re borrowing trouble by imagining what will happen if/when you find a partner.
I always wonder about the people who say you need to make dating a priority if you want to find a partner. I didn’t find a partner until I loosened up about dating and took it way less seriously. I mean, you’ve still got to put yourself in environments where you can ask people or and be asked out, but dating was so much more productive when I was open to anything but ready to bail as soon as I stopped having fun/saw yellow flags. Go live your life that’s in front of you now.
I think what you describe is still making dating a priority – you put yourself in a position to meet people and have relationships! A good friend desperately wants kids but doesn’t like to go anywhere new and will not meet people from apps in person for months on end. Does not bail on yellow flags because at that point she feels too invested. This is what people mean by not really making “finding someone” a priority.
If a law firm does a retained search for high level talent, are there standard recruiters they use when they are paying (vs non-retained search legal recruiters)? I’m just wondering if there are calls that are really serious vs ones that are just reach out to anyone and maybe you will catch a good person? I’m not returning 100% of calls because I just get overwhelmed and between work and kids, I don’t need a time-waster but I’m probably passing up some good and legit opportunities.
My BigLaw firm hired me through a non-retained recruiter last year. I am not a specific talent, but rather fill a need, but they post jobs when they are looking.
Really depends. We only do retained for partner level searches, so if you’re an associate it’s likely not truthful. It depends on your level/practice group/location which recruiter is used too.
Help me out with my oddly specific quest.
ISO wooden hangers for my blazers that are sturdy, wide enough to not leave creases in the shoulders, that are flat and not curved, and that don’t have those scratchy little spaghetti strap indents that are so ubiquitous and snag the blazer lining.
Does anyone have the Tumi Vail tote bag in large? Do you like it?
https://www.tumi.com/p/vail-large-tote-0152452A505/