Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Fracie Collared Midi Dress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This collared dress from Boss would be a great business casual staple. The elbow-length sleeves provide enough coverage for the office, and the fit-and-flare silhouette makes this look like an upgraded version of a classic polo shirt-inspired dress.
Add your favorite flats for an easy outfit that still looks pulled-together.
The dress is $398 at Bloomingdale’s and comes in sizes XS-XXL.
For a couple of more affordable options, try this Favorite Daughter dress at Nordstrom ($238, lucky sizes) or this Theory dress (on sale for $267, lucky sizes). (Note that the Favorite Daughter dress on the model has the bottom two buttons unbuttoned.)
Sales of note for 6/20/25:
- Nordstrom – Get an extra 25% off clearance styles through 6/22. Designer clearance up to 60% off
- Ann Taylor – 50% off everything plus free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 1000+ new women's markdowns
- Eloquii – Semi-annual clearance, up to 80% off
- J.Crew – Big Summer Event: Up to 50% off almost everything (ends 6/23) + extra 50% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Free shipping today (6/20) only. Up to 60% off + extra 20% off orders $100+
- M.M.LaFleur – 4 Days Only: The Warehouse Sale — up to 70% off — “a sale so good it's tacky.” Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Rothy's – Semi-annual event, up to 50% off seasonal faves
- Spanx – End of season sale
- Talbots – Sale on sale, 30% off all markdowns + extra 20% off
Morning all. Was hoping to book a fall getaway to NYC but wow, have hotels gotten expensive. My bougie-side wants a super clean, quiet place in a safe area where I can rest my introverted psyche after a day of so.many.people, but the hotels I’ve stayed in before are approaching $1K per night, and I can’t justify it. I used to be able to keep it under $500 per night – is that just a thing of that past? Any hidden gems?
If you’re an introvert, perhaps a B & B (not air bnb) uptown is the answer. There are some beauties in residential areas.
As an introvert I find bed and breakfasts to be less appealing- because they’re small, you don’t get the privacy of anonymity / higher chance of other guests wanting to make small talk over breakfast!
OP, do you happen to be looking for dates where something big is going on? Like NYFW?
I did not think so, but am wondering…last weekend in September (26, 27)
See the post a few down – that’s Climate Week.
I don’t think Climate Week is a big enough thing to send hotel prices soaring. There’s pretty much always a major event or two or ten in NYC.
B&Bs are a nightmare for me as an introvert! I don’t want to make small talk with strangers over breakfast!
Same.
Would you be willing to stay in Williamsburg, along the L? Not the most convenient but not bad. Especially should be fine if you’ve been to NYC many times before.
Try the New Yorker hotel. It’s my favorite place to stay in NYC.
Not sure what they are priced at these days but I like both Kimptons.
What dates are you looking at and where in NYC? New York Fashion Week is Sept 11-16. Climate Week NYC is Sept 21-28. Comic-Con is Oct 9-12…
The Hotel Bellclaire on the Upper West Side is lovely and the neighborhood around it is exactly what you want. You can get up and walk to Zabar’s to get your morning bagel!
IDK if you have specific dates in mind or are flexible but keep in mind NYC hotels are incredibly price sensitive based on what events are in town. So if you week is the week of UN general assembly when the city is packed, you’ll pay 1000 for a room that could be 500 the following week.
This is helpful. Would there by any don’t-go dates in August?
I would not pick August for a NY trip. There’s a reason everyone leaves for the Hamptons, shore, etc. October in the city is WAY better than August!
+1 in August the city smells of vomit and rotting garbage. At least it did before it starting stinking of weed all the time.
we just stayed at the Moxy in NYC and I don’t recommend if you want quiet — it was basically NYU territory and I swear the room itself was a former NYU dorm room. It was also expensive.
Costco and Sam’s club both had a lot of options in NYC – so did Chase travel. We had a gift certificate to Marriot/Ritz hotels so we wanted something specific.
Not sure if anyone would be interested in an update — but I posted a few weeks ago about having adopted a cattle dog mix from a shelter who was jumping and biting. I’m very happy to say that we’ve put a lot of time, effort and money into training, and it’s really worked! The dog is now not jumping or biting and is doing all sorts of other great things like soft leash walking. We’re working on getting him less reactive to other dogs.
All to say: some of you were really supportive of my issue and my attempts to work on it, and I appreciate it.
As long as you keep your dog on a leash at all times, we’re good. I just visited Bend, OR which is a famously dog-friendly town, but even the people there are completely over off-leash dogs running amok. After years of complaints and inaction, the PD is handing out $250 tickets for the first infraction. I couldn’t be happier about it. It’s what allows all of us to share space without having teeth sunk into our legs.
OP here. Totally agree! I really despise unleashed dogs and would never, ever do it.
Thank you from another poster.
So glad you were able to connect with an effective trainer!
This is a great update! A well-trained dog is such a pleasure. I have so much respect for the work that backs it up whenever we encounter a really good doggo in public.
I also firmly believe that a trained dog is a happy dog
Tell me your secrets!! We are fostering a similar dog. We have a trainer coming in two days and are doing our best in the meantime but I’d love anything that worked for you!
Saw the weekend thread comment about not giving up dating. I do want someone “designated” to go to dinner and on trips with, but not much more. And I assume most people want more than that out of a relationship, so that doesn’t even help?
I was thinking about it and yeah out of all my friends there are only 2 really bad relationships where the man is an absolute manchild (and/or a Trump supporter). There are others where I’m not completely sure how much the guy is adding, but he’s not a negative.
I feel like my aunt and uncle have this kind of designated companion marriage. He’s an engineer and she’s a professor, so they have jobs that demand a lot mentally, so just decompress with each other. But I never got the sense that they were ever a romantic fit–just that they liked each other enough to do forever.
Ugh now how does one find that unless its an existing friend who you just come up with this idea with.
I guess my plan is to go on dates but to try and relax and really be myself, and to not keep going on dates if I don’t actually enjoy myself. My issue has often been I’ll go on 4-5 dates bc its fine but not great, and then he wants to make it a little more serious and I don’t. So if I’m not getting any type of vibe (including just a companionship / I like hanging out with this person) I need to feel more comfortable ending it.
Right there is your issue. One date max if you don’t click. You’re trying to make something happen with people you don’t like. Of course that’s not going to work. You have to be selective and reject them quickly and move on to the next.
I’ve internalized too much “give him a chance” and “what if he was just shy”.
Zero dates for character problems; three dates max for chemistry.
I would say 2 date max, if you get a ok-but-promising vibe on date 1. Maybe a little reserved, maybe stressful day, whatever. but if date 2 is the same, next.
I was like this. You can be a little more selective. It will help with dating burnout. I liked talking to my now-husband pretty much right away, even though he was more reserved at first (as am I).
+1. Every time I forced myself to go on a second date with a “good on paper” guy I regretted it five minutes into that second date.
As a long time single who has been dating on and off for years, two dates max if you’re not totally into it!!! I have a canned text thanks but no thanks message that I copy and paste after the first or second date. Easy peasy.
Give him a chance is he worst advice in the history of dating. You will know immediately if you click or not. You will not click with the vast majority of people you go out with. But you need to go out with a lot to find that one person who’s right for you. You just haven’t met him or her yet, that’s normal. And when you do, I suspect all this “just a companion for the occasional dinner” bit will fall away.
One thing you could try is to go on a bunch of short first dates—like 20 or 30 coffee dates from a dating app in the next month or two, or find a speed-dating event. You might meet someone you like or learn more about what you want.
I’m really into the Burned Haystack theory these days (from the sidelines, of course). I found her on Instagram but she’s all over the internet: https://www.instagram.com/p/C4vdOhfAbPt/ Basically “in order to find a needle, you have to burn down the haystack” so zero tolerance for anything even the tiniest bit sketchy.
Blind dates. Ask a friend to set you up.
If anyone can think of any wording for dating apps or early dates that would be really appreciated.
I don’t think you have to screen for this in your profile. I’d try to do a little more chatting with guys before you meet them in person, if only to get a better sense of whether you might like them. If you go on a date and do like them (and I mean enough to have dinner with them or something), then go on another date. The terms of your relationship are ultimately up to you and your partner.
Men have failed to hold up their end of the bargain in heterosexual relationships. In my grandparents’ time, men would begin working and supporting a family at the age of 18-22 (give or take). They were expected to provide and to be faithful. There were always bad men who were abusive or who cheated or struggled to hold jobs for various reasons, but the social norm was there for men to be fully adult and fully contributing to the household. In exchange, women provided home and childcare (and often worked outside the home) and participated in the sexual relationship.
Now, men want the right to not contribute at all while women’s contributions have skyrocketed. They want to evade child support, remain underemployed for decades, drink as much as they feel like, watch p0rn for hours a day, and continue to collect on women’s labor while doing it. Rates of ED in 20-year-olds are higher than ever before, but they still expect sex on the first date. They have a high level of comfort with violence against women.
Tl;dr Men want what women can give without putting in effort themselves. Is it any wonder women are over it?
You are so tiresome.
Yep. Extremely. This is just so off. I’m sorry some guy hurt you but come on.
One of the biggest problems is that men still aren’t expected to know how to please their wives in bed. Your wife isn’t sleeping with you? Aside from the rare medical reasons, that’s probably because you’re a selfish jerk who doesn’t want to learn and spend the time to make it as good for her as it is for you.
My ex was awful in bed: deaf to my clear and kind words, condescending, selfish, unwilling to learn, dragged his feet, only wanted it when I didn’t. As Catholic as I am, it pains me to say it: he’s the poster child for premarital gardening (which we didn’t do, please don’t @ me). Yet the social support HE got was epic. “Women only want communication. Buy her flowers.” Meanwhile, I’m like, figure out how to bring me to climax or I’m divorcing you, because intimacy is supposed to be *unitive.*
Okay that was a rant.
this is kind of a weird screed, and the basic premise (description of the way it used to be) was only ever accurate for a small sliver of society.
To be clear, my main takeaway from all this is that I am going to keep looking, but be more particular bc not-being-particular wasn’t working for sure. And that while it clearly would be difficult, there are other options in life. I actually really like the foster care idea.
I’m the one who suggested that you might be attracted to women. Another poster suggested a date with a woman, which I think is a great idea. Keep it low key and be honest about where you are. See how it goes.
I don’t feel like I would be that much more interested in gardening with a woman but a date is worth a try.
Feels weird to be experimenting this late. And there’s no particular reason like religion etc. Do I have to like warn women than I’m a newbie?
Dating is experimenting though. If what you’re doing isn’t working, you give something else a try.
Have you explored the ACE and ARO communities? You might find like-minded people there.
Lauren Fleshman was married with kids when she figured out that she is bisexual. It happens to a lot of people.
Definitely give the heads up. There are women who are not interested in being your experiment. Give them the chance to opt out.
To quote the great Elaine Benes, I’m not a lesbian. I hate men but I’m not a lesbian!
I dated men in college and early 20s and was just deeply meh about it.
Turns out I am a lesbian!!
I am a very generic jcrew lawyer so I didn’t see it coming for me.
Now I have a wife and kids and life is so much happier than I thought was possible.
I think you said you are in NYC, so give it a try for a bit. Very low stakes if it turns out not to be for you.
When I read the foster care suggestion, I internally eye rolled a little – like, how Pollyanna to suggest to someone that instead of having their own kid they can “just” open their homes to traumatized teenagers. Don’t get me wrong, I think this is an amazing, and completely selfless, thing to do…my reaction was more a function of my own projections and insecurities.
Imagine my surprise when you commented that you loved the idea! (And this internet stranger is so glad there are people like you and the OP’s friend in this world.)
I guess it goes to show you, be brave and make the out of the box suggestions because you never know when they’ll land. And for the rest of us — keep an open mind, different strokes for different folks.
I have a lot of extended family so I’ve been around a lot of kids. And I know that you can make an impact on a childs’ life from different directions, and sometimes the people who make the most impact are not who you would expect, and it certainly doesn’t have to be a close biological connection.
Early 40s foster mom of teenage girls here! It is SUPER rewarding and SUPER hard. There is a tremendous need for loving homes for older kids, so yes, you should 100% look into this further. I’m biased, but I think 40-something single, professional women with no other kids in the home are kind of ideal candidates for teens in foster care.
I will caution, however, that there are approximately one million variables that are wildly out of your control. If you’re going in with the expectation of creating a “forever” family, you may end up disappointed. I’m not saying this to dissuade you — there are so many kids who need a stable place to land for a little while, but foster care is meant to be temporary. Yes, some kids will want to stay connected forever, but some just need a safe place to land for a little while so they can launch themselves into adulthood. You have to be open to both of those options, otherwise you’re going to end up heartbroken.
I don’t mean to be a downer! Foster care is just incredibly complicated, especially with older kids who have been through the wringer their whole lives. Managing expectations is important for protecting your own heart and not putting too much of an obligation on a traumatized kid to “complete” a family.
I was assuming the “temporary safe place to land” in any case! Would be nice to keep in touch as friends or relatives like the ones I mentioned but I know thats not guaranteed
Wonderful! I hope you’ll consider it. There are a lot of hard parts, but I would do it again in a minute.
My dad and his “friend” have a relationship like this. They met later in life, both have their own homes, and do not want to live together. But they enjoy each other’s company, travel together, help each other when sick, go to dinner, etc. Sometimes they have sleepovers, but not every night. It seems to work well for them.
See sounds great. Was your dad divorced/single for a while before they met?
Yeah he had been divorced for a long time. He had a couple of other girlfriends and was always upfront about not wanting to get married again or live with anyone again and so sometimes that was a deal-breaker. But eventually he found someone who wanted the same thing.
I know two people in their 90s who have this type of relationship for the last 10 years. One was a widow and one was divorced. Your description of the relationship is so spot on that I’m wondering if your dad is the man in the couple that I know.
Check out Dating Coach Erica on instagram — she gives text templates and challenges patterns and thinking in a good way. https://www.instagram.com/alittlenudge/?hl=en
honestly this is what my dad (hes a 75 year old widower) wants and he does have some fairly particular criteria, but it has been hard to find. he isn’t really interested in ‘joining’ a new family
I’m going to a wedding in DC (from NYC) and have been thinking of adding a night or two to make it feel like a bit of a vacation. Any suggestions? Would love a cute beach town somewhere. Ideally would not have to rent a car.
Sadly, DC is at quite far from the nearest beach towns. Perhaps Annapolis would fit the bill? Cutesy colonial town, delicious seafood at upscale and lowbrow price points, plenty of history (MD Statehouse, Naval Academy) and an emphasis on sailing. It’s about an hour from DC, but once you’re there you don’t need a car, so you could Uber or arrange a car service.
I can’t think of a cute beach town that’s easily accessible by public transit. Ocean beach traffic is also a nightmare (16 mile backup over the bay bridge this weekend!) My suggestion would be to rent a car and go to Annapolis for an overnight. It’s a very cute downtown with good restaurants, less than an hour from DC, and on this side of the Bay Bridge. If you’re craving beach, you can reserve a pass in advance for Sandy Point State Park, which is a bay beach near Annapolis.
Sorry, but that’s not really possible from DC. The beaches really are a car trip away. If there’s a different thing that says vacation, like museums or kayaking on the Potomac, it might work better.
Alexandria is cute and colonial and right on the River. Plus it’s metro accessible. You could also visit the Wharf and Navy Yard neighborhoods, which are new and touristy but still nice for hanging out by water.
Honestly, DC is a great place to spend a few days, even if it’s not a beach town.
In the summer when it’s a 120 degrees, no not a great place to spend a few days. And Navy Yard or Wharf – uh how much crime nightly? Sure Georgetown and old town are cute in the fall but that’s about it.
Local here and I disagree. Yes, it’s hot, it’s also going to be hot in NYC. Walking slowly around Alexandria, 14th Street, Georgetown and the Wharf with stops for cold drinks and shopping in air conditioned boutiques sounds lovely to me. I’ve never felt unsafe in these areas, day or night.
Well, there aren’t that many places in the US anymore that aren’t hot in the summer.
I am old and do not stay out very late, but the Wharf and Navy Yard are perfectly enjoyable during the day. And if there’s a ballgame, I think Navy Yard is probably fine at night.
I think my longer reply got eaten, but I’d also recommend Annapolis, with an excursion to Sandy Point State Park if you really want to add beach time. It’s very busy, so you now need a reservation, and it’s the bay, not the ocean, but if you want beach time that could be an add-on.
You need reservations at Sandy Point this summer, even for short partial day trips. I would suggest Kent Island Resort for a luxury get away, or St. Michael’s for a nice few days, but you would need a car to get there and then get back to the train station/airport.
I’d rent a car and drive to an actual beach! Colonial beach is cute and rustic and about 90 min — there are probably also closer beachy beaches if you’re willing to drive.
I think you are better off just going to a beach near NYC if you are not driving to DC – it will be just as easy. If you are taking the train you could add a stop in Princeton, Baltimore or Philly, or maybe go further south to Frederick, VA.
St Michaels is a good option if you’re willing to rent a car and drive. We liked Inn at Perry Cabin.
Recs for your favorite room diffuser?
We have three teenage boys and an elderly dog and our house is smell less than fresh.
I’d prefer nothing too sweet or floral. Ideally under $100.
Odor neutralizer. Adding a scent to try to overpower the others gives me a headache just thinking about it.
Pura. Not under $100 I don’t think though to get started.
My favorites are the Voluspa ones. They are sold at Nordstrom, Anthropologie, and the Container Store, among other places.
White vinegar in shallow plates is a thing- it’s also really useful for eliminating painting odors
I would hesitate to start using a diffuser in a household with pets.
The basics are always to clean with an enzyme cleanser and run an air filter.
For a gentler air freshener, the gel bead “Fresh Wave” may be worth a try for pet odors. It’s sort of a foresty scent that might appeal to you.
Some people like Zorbx spray, but I haven’t tried it.
+1 Figure out what isn’t getting laundered enough and start there. Add a high quality air cleaner to capture airborn smells and you shouldn’t need to mask odors anymore
Make sure they’re not putting sweaty or wet items into the hamper and letting it sit. Add white vinegar to each load of laundry. Make them change their bedding more often- maybe this means you need to buy extra sheets. Have them exfoliate with a loofah in the shower. But you may also need to open your windows every day.
Have you tried an air purifier? It won’t be under $100 but I have air purifiers in 3 rooms of my house and it really makes a difference.
To answer your question, I really like the scent at the Kimpton hotels, which sells a diffuser. For a much cheaper option, the Bath and Body Works Wallflowers in Bergamot Waters.
Are you talking about the little bottle with sticks or like a machine of some sort? I’ve had bad luck with any kind of machine subscription (Pura, aroma 360) but don’t mind the simple bottle stick situation. I like the jo Malone ones. They won’t cover an oder but they smell nice to me. Just throwing it out there.
Another vote for proper cleaning to solve this issue rather than adding another scent to the mix.
Changing any furnace or air filters; laundering clothes, bedding, and towels before they get musty; cleaning carpets, rugs, upholstery, and drapes so they don’t hold on to old odors; and making sure the boys and the dog are bathed on a somewhat regular schedule will all make a big difference.
The Coway air filters work well and are around that price.
I wash my floors every night with a mix of water and white vinegar. I use fabuloso liberally in my bathrooms and countertops. By morning the smells are under control.
I bought this candle a few years ago recommended by Wirecutter and it perfumed the entire house so much that we kept moving it to different places. Currently it lives in my teenager’s bathroom and I think it works there because it can be a bit smelly.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07PMY9PK6?ref_=ppx_hzsearch_conn_dt_b_fed_asin_title_6&th=1
But agree with everyone else that white vinegar is probably what you want, along with some general airing spaces out on nice days.
Ladies, share with me your Greece visit tips. We are going next month. I know it will be super hot! We have a wedding on Sifnos. Otherwise we plan to be in Athens for a few days. Is there a day trip from there we shouldn’t miss? Tips, warnings, ideas? Brands to shop and things to bring home? Thanks!
We often go to major s-tes late in the day for fewer crowds. Like we went up to the Acropolis close to the last entry time and there were probably 50 other people up there rather than 500.
If they’re still there, Thes (Greek Creative) was one of the best dinners of our trip.
We went first thing to get sandals made by Melissinos – important to get there early so you don’t have to wait for others’ shoes to be finished before yours. Also browse the designs ahead of time as the menu of styles is online. Some of our best souvenirs. We went with simple two-strap designs rather than complicated gladiator styles so that they’d be versatile for home.
Link to the sandal maker, please? I searched for Melissinos sandals and several different sites came up. Thanks!
https://melissinos-art.com/
Google Maps has it in the right place. https://www.google.com/maps/place/Melissinos+Art+-The+Poet+Sandal+Maker/@37.9679635,23.7286767,14.99z/data=!4m6!3m5!1s0x14a1bd230284b18d:0x38a26704fd299d3c!8m2!3d37.9683855!4d23.7309475!16s%2Fg%2F1vfhk4n4?entry=ttu&g_ep=EgoyMDI1MDYxNy4wIKXMDSoASAFQAw%3D%3D
Links are stuck but it is Melissinos (dash) Art (dot) com. Located a bit southeast of the Acropolis.
Minimize your Athens days. It will just be too hot. Two days max and then maybe another island
Not day trips but worth the visits ~
Restaurant Atlanticos ~ off a little side street ~ super fresh with a local vibe ~ went here 3x
The monastraki market ~ open air market with tons of local vendors ~
From Athens, we did a half day trip to the temple of Poseidon at sunset. Really cool ruins.
We also did a day trip to Delphi. It is a very long day of driving. If I could do it again, I’d stay a night or two up there and get to spend more time at Delphi and the museum, the cute little town nearby, and also some other nearby ruins we didn’t get to see.
I lived in Athens for a year and loved going to Delphi. It is, and really feels like, a tourist trap – just so you know.
I love love love Nafplio – which is a drive through Corinth (the Corinth Canal is amazing). Nafplio was the first capital of Greece and has some of the best seafood I’ve ever eaten. It’s such a beautiful city. Highly recommend.
Be so so careful with your phone in Athens, especially if its an iPhone. Don’t leave it in your pocket for even a few seconds. And if it gets stolen on a Sunday, there’s no store open in the whole city to sell you a replacement. Even if google says its open, its not.
Slightly outside the city center but Stani for greek yogurt/desserts was worth the trip!
Our very favorite island was Naxos — not too crowded because they don’t let cruise ships land there, lots of history, good food, hiking if you’re into that (we’re not so we took a private tour around by car and it was great), nice beach.
Also I recommend flying rather than taking the ferry from Athens to the islands unless you want to experience what it was like being in steerage at Ellis Island.
Any recommendations for business casual, closed-toe, non-mule shoes that don’t make your feet sweaty without socks? Does this even exist?
Fully lined with leather.
I can wear ballet flats or pointed-toe ballet flats without socks inside, though I often slip them off under my desk when no one’s around… but outside? No and no.
Do Rothy’s work for your office? At least you can toss those in the washer to remove odors.
I think leather ballet flats are your best bet.
I really love these — leather is lightweight and flexible so they’re super comfortable.
https://schutz-shoes.com/products/arissa-s20-ballet-flat-leather
Also, woven and mesh ballet flats are everywhere right now.
https://evereve.com/products/flagstaff-woven-flat-tan
OP here – thanks for the ideas and suggestions!
try powdering your feet/shoes with baby powder or body powder and putting stick deodorant on the bottom of your feet.
Saw these perforated loafers the other day, and think they’d fit the bill: https://www.colehaan.com/womens-chantal-loafers/W33706.html
Ooo, those are pretty. Not the OP but I’m very tempted.
My feet sweat in all-leather shoes. I prefer canvas in summer if I need a closed toe.
But if I am wearing a closed toe and it is business casual, it’s likely I opted for a sneaker and that means I am also wearing ankle socks because that completely solves the sweaty toe issue.
I think some of this depends on local climate and individual feet, but sticking with non-synthetic materials will help avoid sweaty feet. I like Vionic flats, loafers, and heels/wedges for comfortable business casual shoes. Depending on your aesthetic, the Everlane Day Glove is highly rated for all-day comfort. Rothy’s are OK as they are somewhat breathable and you can throw them in the washing machine if your feet do sweat. Vivaia is another option for woven flats/heels/loafers. I know you mentioned avoiding socks, but have you considered getting a few pairs of low cut no-show liners? Amazon has lots of multi-pack options for under $20.
Also rotate your shoes – don’t wear the same ones day after day.
I know that nobody gets newspapers anymore, but stuffing shoes with newspaper (I get some small weird newspaper- like thing that’s just ads in my mail) helps them dry out and helps with smells.
Naturalizer Banks slingbacks. They’re leather and really comfortable. Come in tons of colors and finishes.
Look for all leather. Including the liner.
I almost never wear socks with any sort of shoes other than the sneakers, and I have great luck with Dr. Scholl’s foot powder sprinkled into the insole of the shoe before I put it on. Increases the “slip” in the shoes, so my feet don’t stick to the insole
Dansko has very comfortable closed toe sandals.
there are sock liners that you can add to your shoes so it’s like a layer of terry cloth on the bottom.
The church s h o o t i n g in Michigan. What I don’t understand is what kind of church has not one but two a r m e d security guards?? I’ve lived in 14 states as an adult and never have I ever gone to a church with guards. What kind of place is this?
I don’t know about churches, but many synagogues where I live have guards.
Ok, right, but there are sadly all sorts of threats to the Jewish community. Guards are wise. But no similar threats exist for Christianity (though Fox News would may you believe otherwise). So I repeat my question: what kind of church has two a r m e d guards??
There have been many shootings in Christian churches (and schools) — not necessarily because “threats exist for Christianity” but because churches are places people gather, and Things Happen. Also, racism. I’ve also worked in businesses that had plans in place for an active shooter event, and where some of them were invoked because of domestic violence issues (an armed ex-husband stalking an employee).
Umm hello? Dylan Roof? Charleston? Any of that ring a bell?
I know that churches in very high crime neighborhoods sometimes do, if it’s the kind of neighborhood where people (rightly) don’t feel safe in their homes either.
You are batshit insane if you don’t think literally every public gathering space in America is at risk.
(Raises an eyebrow)
The church was correct that it needed those armed guards, was it not?
Synagogues do.
You probably had them but you didn’t realize it. I knew someone who was a guard at my church growing up but I didn’t know it until I was an adult.
Whoa, no, I am 110% sure I have never attended church with someone a r m e d for the purposes of killing or wounding an intruder. Do we hear ourselves? That’s bananas.
We’ve simply had different experiences then.
I would bet the righteous gemstones style churchs have security. It’s kind of sad to me that this is normal for the small temples and synagogues in my area but white Christians are shocked by the idea.
+1. If this is groundbreaking then you must be very privileged.
This exactly. I have family in the very deep, very red south who would proudlyyyy stand at the entrance of their church during services in order to flex whatever limited mental muscle they have.
yup, the amount of money that Jewish organizations have to spend on security in this country is ludicrous and it’s such a shame it has to be used for that instead of being used for more productive things.
Maybe no one was getting paid, but do you think that any congregants who would ordinarily be armed chose not to be at church?
If they were, it was against my church’s teaching and rules. While not an entirely pacifist denomination, weapons of any kind in the church and especially the sanctuary were a hard no.
Okay. I believe you but am also entirely unfamiliar with that expectation and norm.
I lived in a city years ago where some people were killed in a church shooting. On a lesser risk, there started to be a rash of robberies in church parking lots during the services. The churches in the city started up a security forum, where representatives from the churches could come and learn about security measures. As a result, we began to have (devastating) conversations about what kind of security measures and emergency responses to put into place during a service. In our service, there was at least one designated person (current/former police officer/military) who was carrying a gun that Sunday. I’ve been in churches that hire off-duty police officers to have a security presence during events. And I’ve been in churches that bring in security consultants to do a walk-through of the building pointing out measures we can put into place to keep people (particularly the children in the children’s rooms) safe during an “event.” It’s devastating, gripping, and awful to have these conversations.
It’s very possible they’ve gotten threats before, and it’s also possible that their congregation is very concerned and proactive about possible shootings even if they’re statistically unlikely to happen. It sounds like several non-security team congregants were involved in stopping the shooter.
Some congregations are necessarily proactive about security, others are just groups of Christian nationalists obsessed with firearms who relish the chance to use them in the lord’s name. Being familiar with the ideology and mindset of similar congregations, I suspect the latter is the case here (and this is a very rare scenario where it was actually helpful for the congregation to have security patrols). Although the reports coming out say a member ran him down in their pickup truck when they first saw him brandishing and then he was sh ot by two separate members. Also, his mother attended this church.
I mean, elementary schools have armed guards. We live in a terrible, gun-riddled country. Black churches, synagogues, and temples have all had to take awful measures for a long time now. The shock and “I don’t understand” here is about ignorance and the worry when something that’s long affected others comes to your door.
So what kind of place is this? It’s an American gathering place. And American gathering places are sites of domestic terrorism, which we of course can’t admit, discuss, or manage.
Clearly you’ve never been to a synagogue.
SEUS Baptist here, and every large church has plain-clothes (at least) officers in the congregation. High-profile pastors receive regular threats. If you know they’re there, they’re like the Secret Service and not hard to pick out.
I live in Michigan, albeit on the other side of the state from this incident. Most of the smaller, fundamentalist evangelical congregations in my area have “guards” who carry and patrol the grounds whenever there is a service (and by guards, it’s church members who worship the 2nd Amendment first and foremost, their freedom to impose their will on others second, and everything else including g-d a distant third).
We have security guard-type people at my church in LA (employees), not armed, but I’m sure some of the other churches do have a r m e d guards. It’s awful that we have to think about these things, but this is America. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a synagogue where there wasn’t a visible armed guard or guards. The local mosque has security guards as well.
I don’t know the details of that church, but gatherings can be a target. Our church is mainline, leans politically liberal and nonviolent, and very welcoming (opposite of what a lot of these comments stereotype). AND we have an armed off duty police officer very visible in the narthex. This is prudent for the safety of our congregation.
Planning to go to the doctor soon about this, but thought I’d ask here in the meantime. For the last year or so I have had episodes of excessive burping, like at least one every minute for an hour. I am trying to track my diet to find any patterns. Pizza had been a trigger, not bread and not cheese, but the combo. But there are other times when it happens in the morning without anything in my stomach. There are no other symptoms like burning or reflux.
I’m trying to think ahead and see what other info I bring to the doctor.
My husband used to burp constantly. I posted here about it actually because it was that bad. It was definitely reflux for him even though he didn’t feel like he had heartburn. His triggers are beer and fried and heavy foods like cheesesteak, pizza, etc. Some dietary changes made a huge huge improvement.
I had this for an extended period of time after an awful bout of food poisoning years ago. My doctor had me on certain probiotics that helped rebalance my gut (?). I’m not a hyper attentive person when it comes to my own health so I can’t quite remember what it was or if it helped. I tend to think time was just the cure, but I did take probiotics for almost 2 years because of it.
Also, reflux does not always equal burning. DH had awful reflux and rarely had burning.
Burping alone can be a symptom of reflux.
Low acid reflux can feel different from high acid reflux (no burning or pain). My PCP wasn’t aware of it as a possibility, but the GI doc was. I honestly don’t remember what all else they tested for that I didn’t have though; I just remember they did an endoscopy.
Low acid reflux was the cause for me, and the root cause of that was anxiety. Getting my anxiety under control was key.
You can go to an ENT or licensed SLP for a laryngoscope evaluation of your larynx to see if there are any visible signs of reflux, as silent reflux is a possibility. Sometimes it can show the visible signs of an issue when you might not have the classic symptoms.
I’d take Prilosec and see if that helps.
For your pizza trigger — odds are good it’s the tomato sauce. Can you eat red tomato sauce otherwise in the evening?
Agree with the others that it might be low acid, and also that acid reflux doesn’t have to burn to be acid reflux — look up LPR/silent reflux.
For me acid reflux has gotten worse as I’ve aged; it apparently is considered a symptom of perimenopause but I’m also on a GLP-1 that I’m sure exacerbates it. I cannot do tomato sauce in the evening, and chocolate and Mexican food are both inadvisable after a certain point in the evening also. Wine is a trigger for some people.
You might try taking a probiotic for a month like Align and seeing how it affects your symptoms.
Is anyone in the DAR?
I’ve newly joined and National has assigned me to a chapter that isn’t as active as I’d like. Which is to say, the membership is split 50/50 between people who will never be involved, they’re just in it to say they have a patriot ancestor, and octogenarians who keep the chapter going. The elderly ladies are the sweetest ladies!! But the chapter historically does only one thing – Wreaths Across America – and nothing else. New this year, the chapter leader (there’s some other name right? Regent?) did a patriotic display in a case at the local library. See? They’re the sweetest ladies, but I’d like to be more active. I’ve gently probed the issue and there’s no appetite for doing more.
Is it acceptable to reach out to other chapters and ask to be informed about their activities? There are 3 other chapters within 15 minutes in different directions. I’ll gladly join my sweet ladies for monthly meetings, I just have space in life for a club and I want to do stuff!
I’m a member and am basically inactive. I’m a partner in a law firm and a mom to a small baby. Extracurriculars have to either (1) be likely to lead to new business, or (2) fill my cup in a meaningful way I feel excited about. DAR isn’t ticking either box for me rn.
Idk if other chapters will be different but it’s certainly worth looking into! Maybe you can attend some of their events or reach out to their chapter president to get a feel for the chapter?
I am a 40-something inactive member and had the same experience you did. My grandma wanted all of us signed up, so I did it, but found the actual activities to be boring busy work.
I was the president of my Garden Club and the dynamic was very much similar.
I don’t know about the DAR cultural rules, but I would definitely crash those other chapters to hang out if you are in a more social-hour-but-nothing-else chapter. Other GCs were always happy to have cross-club visitors/participants in their stuff.
DAR chapters vary a ton and all would love prospective/visiting members! Feel free to try another one out if it’s nearby or email them to ask to be put on their email list of prospective members.
I thought the point of DAR was slightly stale luncheons with old ladies?
Ha yes Emily Gilmore is the archetype in my (non-wasp) mind.
maybe try the junior league instead if you want something more active?
Do you change your eating habits around others? My mil is extremely food focused. Every time we eat it’s a whole conversation about health, food, who lost and is losing weight and what is good and bad for you. This weekend i literally ordered a salad with salmon at a restaurant she approved of and got treated to a while conversation about how another family member was losing weight and why its heart healthy to avoid sugar. I feel like nothing i eat is ever, ever good enough for it to just be food. I’m not capable of changing the subject and I’m not allowed to criticize her. I’m just so over this. If she likes her food and eating healthy why does she need to constantly criticize foods that aren’t even at the table? Any tips on how to deal with this? I’m not overweight and my health is really not her business but I find myself making weird food choices just to shut her down, unsuccessfully.
Your husband needs to talk to her if you’re not willing to do it directly. I am sorry you’re dealing with this, but I’m not sure what advice you’re hoping for other than “someone needs to tell her this isn’t ok, full stop.”
You must be married to my husband’s brother. It’s so annoying! I find myself wanting to order a burger and fries and a beer whenever we go out with her, except we only go to restaurants with “healthy” food.
Oh I’d probably order the most obnoxious thing with her next time just to offend, but I’m petty. Someone needs to tell her to stop. My mom is like this and I’m unkind when it comes to shutting her down, because doing it kindly did not work.
Do you have kids or plan to have kids? You’re going to want to nip this in the bud before this kind of talk happens in front of children (which goes back to why I’ve resorted to unkindness with my mom because she was doing it in front of my 7 year old recently).
Yeah, that’ll be a cheeseburger and chili fries and a full sugar Coca-Cola for me.
I agree, and I would also add, this is a win/win! You can enjoy your burger while doing her the favor of giving her something else to complain about!
If you won’t tell her to stop or refuse to discuss it what do you expect people to suggest?
The women in my family are like this and it’s just… so ingrained. Generation after generation of toxicity around food. It’s like families that complain-as-conversation, except it’s disordered eating-as-conversation. It’s truly not about you. The fact that you’re a woman makes you a target? co-conspirator? I’m not really sure how to put it. She probably expects you to chime in about food too. I don’t think there’s anything anyone could say that would get through to her that this is problematic — this is just how women talk! She’s just making conversation! (Ugh).
I have to stop myself from doing this even though I KNOW how obnoxious and triggering it is. It’s a really, really hard habit to unlearn even if you want to.
This is so true. It’s so deeply ingrained in (especially but not limited to older) generations of women that weight and disordered eating habits are perfectly valid and unproblematic topics of conversation. I see it in my own relatives and unfortunately haven’t found a great way to shut it down; I have to inoculate my kids with a constant message that food is just food.
I think it’s not just seen as valid but actually a perceived societal role! It was women’s job to feed up the kids and then it was women’s job to communally police their eating the rest of their lives.
F that noise.
I firmly believe that the only acceptable comments about another person’s food is, My, that looks delicious!
When people have criticized me about eating, say French fries, I just smile brightly at them and say, Yes, they’re really good! You are a grown adult – no need to care about what others think about your eating habits.
I would relish eating a cheeseburger and fries in front of her.
That sounds exhausting. There’s no way to shut her down or to get her to change. I say order what you want and smile and nod as she rambles on.
I don’t know how often you eat with her, but this would make me want to severely limit any time I spend with her. And if you have kids, I would not want her talking about all this stuff around them.
If anyone needs to talk to her, it would be your husband. Sadly I don’t think she’s going to change.
She may be exerting a lot of self control such that her compliance with her diet is hinging on the preoccupation. My family member who does this is annoying, but I can’t deny that she’s in much better health and more mobile and independent than shared relatives who gave up, eat whatever they feel like, and exactly what their doctors predicted for their health is what’s happened since.
I am not sure why you can’t use your words though (not allowed? not capable?). I also don’t see a need to criticize her if you make it a you thing. “Oh I’m avoiding diet talk right now.” “I’m trying to experience less stress around food; the world is so stressful these days.” “I’m doing intuitive eating right now; it’s all about savoring the sensory experience of food without analyzing it with our thinking brain!” “I discovered I can’t enjoy my meals if I think too hard about food and healthy eating, and eating out is a treat for me.” “I’m lucky that I can eat however I want and my numbers still look fine.”
While I also am taken aback by you not being allowed (wtf) to change the topic, these scripts are just as passive aggressive as her toxic food talk.
Yeah I guess it’s more healthy to just not engage vs. fighting fire with fire. With my own family, I feel desperate to create a little space for people who find this stressful by standing up for the ideas that not everyone is on the same diet and that diet cannot cure every health condition(!), but I can get into an actual argument with my own family in a way I wouldn’t want to do with an in-law.
I honestly don’t see anything passive aggressive about those scripts.
Yeah, maybe the last one but the rest are just good communication. We should communicate with “I” statements in a non-accusatory way. This is therapy 101.
I think the intuitive eating one is the one I should have singled out there. Unless someone actually expressed curiosity about intuitive eating, the script above comes across as a bit preachy.
The rest are a bit ‘therapy-speak’ that while not inherently inappropriate are just kind of…stilted? When you don’t usually talk like that, and would therefore not be my first choice to engage with a difficult MIL.
They are all indirect “I am …” statements that don’t clearly say what is meant and flatter the speaker unnecessarily. OP isn’t savoring the meal anyways and the meal isn’t a treat, so those statements are disingenuous and fake.
A direct comment would include MIL and would be phrased like “Let’s talk about something else” or “Can we avoid discussing the meal?”
If words make no difference though, I’d definitely order and eat exactly whatever I wanted anyway!
You are absolutely allowed to change the subject, even if it’s to tell her to shut the eff up already and the act of telling her off becomes the talked about thing.
“MIL, since you refuse to keep your judgmental opinions on this topic to yourself, I won’t eat with you any longer. Check and a takeout box, please!”
Oh, come on, I know people love to type these things out. But does anyone talk like that in real life? Anyone who wants to have a relationship with this person going forward?
Yes, I did and have no regrets. In my case that person really was someone I did not want a relationship with going forward. My children don’t need that toxicity imposed on them and “because faaamilllyyy!!!!” isn’t an excuse for forcing them to hang out with an awful person who won’t behave themselves.
Unfortunately with some people the the only way to get them to drop certain topics is to hang up the phone or walk away.
And sometimes the stakes are high enough that it’s recommended (like if the constant haranguing has been identified as a factor in someone’s ED hospitalization).
Also the result was preserving the relationship, not ending it. But I never would have believed it or tried it if a psychologist hadn’t scripted out exactly what to do and say and correctly predicted how it would go. Maybe it’s only recommended in cases where they have reason to think it will work.
I had to do this once with my father when I was in college. He had a history of throwing little tantrums at the slightest upset which would just ruin the day for everyone. At a special occasion meal in a restaurant he started in on some complaint about service or the food to me and my sibling and I just calmly and firmly said something to the effect of “please stop. I’m not going to listen to this anymore. I’d like to enjoy our night together but can’t do that if you’re going to be this angry” and then he kept going and I got up and went to the bathroom. Came back later and he was completely apologetic and slightly ashamed. That was the beginning of a long, slow, imperfect improvement. But improvement nonetheless.
No one actually functional says things like that. OP, you also don’t have to engage. I’d just ignore it and eat whatever I want. It’s her issue not yours.
Yes, I actually did effectively say this to my own mother. She was a pearl-clutching, judgmental, religiously right wing extremist who once told my five year old she was “dressed like a slut” when she wore a two piece tankini to play on the slip & slide in our back yard. That is just one example of the constant refrain we were subject to any time she was present.
I tried ignoring, tried redirecting, tried telling her I didn’t approve, tried asking her to pick a different topic, and finally decided my kids needed a parent who would stand up for them and not subject them to the constant verbal abuse in the name of family. I’m still proud of myself for telling my mother that she was not welcome to our home because she would not keep her comments to herself, and if it continued we would not be spending time with her elsewhere, either.
I prefer to set boundaries about what I will and won’t tolerate in a relationship and not spend years dodging their garbage comments.
Specific tips on how to deal with her: this is a prime opportunity for making a game to reset your expectations. You know you’re not going to change her, but you’re still getting understandable annoyed/triggered. So before you see her the next time, invent a prize for yourself for when she does the annoying thing.
Annoying behavior: MIL critiques food choice
Reward: Pick up your favorite ice cream on the way home to enjoy
Pick a reward that fits for you, something small, but something that you enjoy so that WHEN the annoying behavior happens, your brain can go “AHA I’m getting ice cream!” instead of just “ughhhh here we go again.”
Not sure if it sounds dumb, but I swear I’ve used this and it works. For people who you are always going to have to be around (hi MIL) and are never going to change, the key is to change the way you instinctively react in your own head – that’s what will keep your peace.
Thanks all. I’m reflecting on this. By way of background , we have a difficult relationship and my husband and I worked with a therapist on it. Basically he does the communication because my communication with her is unsuccessful and leads to dramatic conflict. I’ve never navigated such a conflict prone relationship before so I tread carefully. It did take me a long time to get to this point in the relationship and I’m mostly happy with the dynamic.
I just hate the food stuff because it’s inescapable. I don’t like the thoughts I have about food when she’s around. It feels unhealthy even though she thinks it’s the most healthy thing. It’s just such a huge, huge part of her life to be obsessed with food and health I think she’d be lost if we asked her to stop. I think she’d agree that it’s essential to her identity. Im not sure where the line is between being really into wellness and annoying and being actually harmful is, but I can’t say I’m not impacted by it. I don’t have a history of ED or anything but it feels extremely critical and I get insecure I guess whenever it starts. It’s also strange because if she was obsessed but it was only about weight and not heath I think even my husband would shut her down. But he’s happy to down green juice if she wants him to and doesn’t feel criticized by it.
Dramatic conflict is sometimes necessary when your own mental health is at stake, regardless of whether it makes the bystanders feel uncomfortable to realize their silence has been complicit in condoning the gross behavior.
Would it help you to talk with your own doctor about your diet? (That is, to hear it from a medical professional who knows your health history that the stuff she goes on about simply is not relevant to you?) I only ask because I think this stuff doesn’t get to me partly because I’m confident in my diet, which for me is because I’ve discussed with a doctor how certain guidelines intended for other people simply don’t apply to me. Basically I know that I personally am doing fine and eating the way my doctor recommends for me, whatever other people’s issues (or whatever other family’s issues!) may be.
Thanks but no. I’m in a good place. Thats part of the frustration. It triggers something in me when, for instance, she starts talking about my sister in laws celiac and how gluten can be so awful. I know it’s not true for me but still. It makes me anxious about how she sort of relishes talking about foods that her daughter no longer eats. It feels disorder adjacent or something. It’d almost like she’s policing everyone and a medical directive to avoid foods is like a citation for being a worthy human. It’s just so uncomfortable.
Is it possible she has orthorexia nervosa? Not that it would change things for you, but maybe give additional understanding of her?
My MIL is like this and it makes me very anxious. I had to learn how to change the subject or just not react/respond with more than “hmmmm” until someone else at the table managed to get the conversation pointed in another direction. When I had kids, I got much more vocal about, “we aren’t talking about what makes people fat or not,”
etc. She thinks I’m mean, distant, and unpleasant, all of which are true but I’m not letting her food-shaming talk push my kids into disordered eating.
In my experience, women of that generation cannot change on this issue. All you can change is how you respond.
My MIL is like this and has other very clear signs of orthorexia on top of our having a difficult relationship in many other ways. I have limited my contact with her and we’re now down to 2-3 brief visits a day — usually brunch or lunch when she’s in my city. In those instances I sit far from her at the table. There’s no changing it, so you just need to limit contact and not sit near her when food is involved. If you have kids, get them out of that situation and don’t let her talk to them about food.
Just a scream into the void here: I’m so sick of retailers advertising these great perks and then making it as difficult as possible to use the perk. Had this happen twice over the weekend.
First with Costco. We got a big ticket home improvement thing done with them and have $2k on essentially a Costco e-gift card as a result. Apparently you can either use the GC in store (via barcode sent by email) or online (via the app) but not both; the barcode doesn’t work online and the app doesn’t work in store. And once you transfer the GC to the app it’s a huge PITA to transfer it back to a medium you can use in store. They do not tell you this when the GC is issued or when you transfer it to the app. We just showed up at the store and spent an hour waiting for a manager to tell us we can’t use it unless we jump through hoops to get it off the app, which they can’t do in store.
Second was the registry discount for our baby shower registry. DH set up the registry and is listed as primary, I’m listed as the partner. Despite the fact that there are ads all over the app and sent to me by email telling me to use my discount, only DH can use the discount. The registry discount shows up when I shop, add stuff to my cart, and when I view my cart. When you check out, the discount is removed — which you don’t see if you use express checkout. I contacted customer service and they refuse to honor the discount for stuff I already purchased (and now can’t return because I opened it). The rep actually told me to just get my husband to buy stuff for me instead.
Why don’t you just use his info?
Tebuy the exact items with his discount, then return those unopened with your full price receipt.
*Rebuy
AITA?
We’re meeting my siblings and parents next week for a family vacation, all sharing a house. My brother’s family arrived at the house yesterday (they have summers off) and revealed that they brought along their 1-yr-old puppy. They didn’t ask any other family members in advance if this is ok.
My 9-yr-old kid is super allergic to dogs, like breaks out in hives immediately if a dog licks her, needs her inhaler every hour or two, itchy eyes, runny nose, generally miserable.
My mom is suggesting that i find a separate Airbnb for my husband, younger kid, and me, letting our non-allergic kid stay with the rest of the family. This makes me really sad for my allergic kid (the youngest of the grandkids and for various reasons, the one who is usually overlooked and forgotten) and basically means that we can’t go over to the main family house.
AITA for being irritated by this situation? I’ve come to expect this kind of behavior from my brother and have a very gray-rock relationship at this point. WWYD? Offer to split costs for boarding the dog?
I would cancel the vacation, demand a refund for my portion of the house, and take my kids somewhere awesome. That is so beyond cruel I can’t even. Does your brother actively hate your allergy kid, or is he just so oblivious to other people that it didn’t occur to him not to bring the dog? How are your parents complicit in this? Why aren’t they demanding the brother leave instead of you?
+1. This is just cruel and beyond inconsiderate. Who are these people??
And no don’t offer to split costs! Tell them you will all not join and expect to be refunded your share, or tell them the dog has to go (either they pay to board it or someone drives it home).
The fact that OP is even considering offering to split costs tells me there are major issues with people pleasing and boundary setting here.
NTA. And this kind of thing is why my extended family stopped trying to share a single house for trips like this. Your mom’s suggestion, essentially splitting and excluding your family instead of excluding the DOG, is unhelpful.
I would not go. Cancel entirely and do something else with your kids and don’t plan group travel with these people again
This is what I would do. It will be a drama but you will have made your point and hopefully avoid a recurrence.
Not the A.
Could you say to your mom and brother, So, Allergic Child should have to be isolated from the family because of a dog? Make them own that they are prioritizing an animal over a child. Also, I would not let the other kid stay, that seems kind of insensitive and mean to the allergic child.
I am really tired of people thinking everyone should accommodate their pets.
NTA. Your brother ITA. That is incredibly inconsiderate of him. He should be made aware of how hurtful this is to your kid. But from the little you’ve described, he doesn’t seem capable of processing that information.
If you’re getting a different place, then your whole family should stay together.
And in the future, I wouldn’t do any family vacation with him.
So sorry that you have to deal with this.
That’s horrible and thoughtless of your family — I’m so sorry. Have you directly told your family not to bring the dog?
Frankly, if your brother brings the dog, I wouldn’t go at all. It’s horrible to separate out your allergic kid because someone else can’t accomodate her, and I’d want to send the message to my whole family (but especially my kids) that your immediate family is a team.
Yes you kind of are. Surely you knew they have a dog? If you have the extreme reaction to something, it’s on you to manage it. It’s not on your brother’s family to not do something completely normal like bring a dog to a vacation cabin.
I really disagree with this. You do not bring a known allergen around a child. If we were talking about peanuts instead of a dog, I don’t think anyone would say, yes you should totally bring your peanuts even though you know your nephew is severely allergic, scr!w the kid!
I swear, people need to stop acting like animal allergies are nbd.
This isn’t just about bringing the dog at all, but about singling out and excluding the kid with the allergies by inviting the other sibling to stay with the dog. Unless you believe that people with extreme reactions to things should be singled out for exclusion so that other people can experience a little more normalcy?
So confused by this response. What does it matter if they knew the dog existed? It’s absolutely not the norm to bring an animal to a shared accommodation without checking with everyone staying there.
Having that kind of allergy to a dog is not normal and it’s going to be pretty tough for that kid to live life if OP doesn’t figure out how to manage it. When you are the one very out of the norm, you manage yourself. You don’t expect other people to do it for you.
This is so nasty and ridiculous. The dog doesn’t need to go on a family vacation. It is absolutely not assumed that dogs would come on a shared vacation. Having a dog does not = bringing the dog. (I say this as someone with a dog.)
The idea that a family, who knows about this allergy, would accomodate the dog rather than the child is outrageous. And OP IS figuring out how to manage it — what do you think this post is about? “Managing it” doesn’t mean eating the sh*t sandwich someone else makes for you.
It is not normal to make arrangements to stay at a shared accommodation and then spring it on everyone that a pet who didn’t even previously exist is now coming. That’s not normal when there isn’t an extreme allergy in the family.
Also one way to manage extreme allergies is to cut off people who try to kill you actually.
OP does have to figure out how to manage this. Agree. Yes, the brother ITA, but you already knew this. What’s your plan for making sure your kid can exist with the rest of the world?
Yeah it’s indeed going to be pretty tough for the kid to live in the world if not even his own close family (for me that would certainly include an uncle they go on vacation with) isn’t willing to be even a little thoughtful. Family means to consider one another.
Most people with serious allergies can’t exist in a world with no accommodations whatsoever.
When people somehow proud of being normal try to weaponize normalcy against outliers, it definitely makes things harder!
Thankfully there are kind caring people in the world too, whose company is also a lot more worthwhile.
You’re right, it is hard to live with debilitating allergies. Just like it’s hard to be blind. Or to need a wheelchair. Or any number of medical issues that require accommodation.
I’m not sure what you think should be done to “manage” this that isn’t being done. The kid takes medicine and has an inhaler. You do realize there’s no such thing as a magic shot to make you not allergic anymore?
OMG no. I’m not even allergic and I would give major side-eye if somebody brought a puppy to a shared vacation house with no notice.
This. It’s not expected that people will bring a pet on a multi family vacation. Most vacation rentals don’t allow pets and if multi family and everyone brings their pets, what if the pets don’t get along. Bringing pets is the kind of thing you discuss in advance.
I’d also be super annoyed that both grandparents and aunt/uncles are choosing the dog over the kids. The dog doesn’t know the difference and the kids do. I’d ditch the whole vacation, rent somewhere else and not agree to holiday with them again.
And I say this as a dog owner who regularly brings my lab on vacation.
It is absolutely not normal to bring a pet to a shared house without clearing it with the other people sharing the house in advance.
+1. Even if allergies aren’t in play it’s incredibly rude to bring a pet without asking. Not everyone wants to live with another person’s dog, especially on vacation. It would never occur to me that my sibling might bring their dog to a shared house with no warning.
OP’s sibling should either refund her share of the house or take the dog somewhere else and pay for house cleaners before she arrives. This is so selfish to begin with, and sibling also made it medically unsafe for OP’s family to stay there.
I think the better solution would be for the brother’s family and puppy to find a separate Airbnb.
Amen sister
NTA. I suppose the silver lining is you have a week’s notice to get other accommodations or decide to do something else entirely. I would refuse to chip in for the house/demand a refund if you’ve already paid (and not go if they refuse). Get another house nearby for your family. No you’re obviously not splitting up the kids, what a ridiculous suggestion. I would bring plenty of things for the kids to do outside, maybe get/rent a slip n slide or something. Not sure how old the other grandkids are. For anything indoors, I would insist on hosting as much as possible – and make it clear that the dog isn’t welcome. “Folks, we are excited to see everyone but as you know, kid has severe dog allergies. Our family cannot be indoors with the puppy. Let’s plan to host any indoor meals at our place without the dog. We can come over to your house for outdoor things.”
I would not say anything about boarding the dog, unless the vacation spot is within an hour or so of where your brother lives. He shouldn’t have brought the dog, but now that it’s there, I don’t think it’s reasonable to drop a dog at a random boarding place.
+1
Eh, we have relatives with allergies and have boarded our dog nearby vacation homes in random places several times. I usually pick a local vets office. Don’t think that’s unreasonable at all!
uh no, you can tell them to drive home and leave the dog there. and then get the house cleaned. this is absurd
How awful. The situation is unacceptable. I would either get a separate accommodation for my entire nuclear family and really consider how much time and effort I want to spend with the extended family, or I would pull out from the trip entirely.
I would just cancel and let everyone know why.
+1
NTA so long as you truly didn’t know about the dog or had zero inkling that they might bring it along. Because, if you suspected this and it’s only right now come to a breaking point, you could have/should have spoken up. My sister is aloof (being kind) and would do something like this so I would have anticipated it and nipped it in the bud well before a week out. I’m not saying that it’s right that you should have to be the one to step up and interject but sometimes that’s just life with family members that need extra handholding/managing.
If you truly had no idea, you are NTA and your brother should be finding a place for the dog all vacation. I would 100% cancel otherwise.
I love dogs. I hate dog owners. Absolutely NTA. I would cancel.
Totally agree with you. Dog people are so obnoxious. And I have two rescue dogs. I guess the difference is I’m Gen X and I know they are not my children.
As another Gen X dog owner — AMEN to this. I love dogs. Dog people are the worst.
+1, dogs are not children and I say this as someone with a large dog myself. We board the dog on vacations and would absolutely not bring it on a shared trip with a family member who is allergic.
This is a total A-hole move by your brother and your family enabling it sucks, I’m sorry.
Cannot stand dog people. Nobody else wants to be around your animals or believes that they’re your children.
I don’t care about that aspect, but might lose it if one more dog owner leaves sh1t in a bag to “get later.”
I would cancel this vacation. It is so casually mean to your kid, and I think it requires a strong reaction to show that you’ll stand up for her.
+100000 I am so sorry your family is doing this, OP.
Is it just you parents and brother’s family on the vacation? If so, I would cancel and demand any money I already paid back. I would find a new vacation destination for my kids.
If there is going to be other family there too, it’s a harder calculus. Depending on how often I see that other family, I would probably still cancel and call them up to explain what is happening. But under no circumstances would my family be split up. Your mom’s suggestion is crazy, and I see why your brother is such an @ss if that’s how she responds to him.
Go browse the allergies reddit to see how many grandparents have knowingly exposed their grandkids to allergies because they thought it wasn’t a real thing.
My mom exposed my kid to his allergen at his birthday party (she brought a cupcake with an ingredient he was allergic to, gave him a bite, and then when we freaked out and epi-pen’d him acted like we were the ones who were insane ).
I don’t deny that some grandparents are like this. But it’s not normal and I would cut off anyone who did that to my kid
Assuming your brother knows about your child’s allergy, it was incredibly rude (and weird!) that he brought the dog to a shared vacation house.
That being said, I am not sure what I would do in your shoes tbh – it would depend on a variety of factors. Is there another house close by that would be available this last minute over Fourth of July week? How often do you see your parents and siblings? How many family members will be there? If it is just your brother’s family and your parents, I would likely cancel. If there are more siblings and their families too, I would likely try harder to make it work. How easy would it be for you to pivot and go elsewhere?
this is literally absurd of your brother and also absurd of your mom. how many families are there? how many kids? even if your son wasn’t allergic, i have a kiddo who is PETRIFIED of dogs and while it is something we are working on, spending a week in a home with a dog would be completely unfair and cruel to her at this moment in time. i’m sorry you have such insensitive family members
Please tell me you didn’t already pay your share. Much easier to back out that way.
Also, why are you even considering sharing a house with a brother you’re gray rocking?
It explains the utter lack of communication here. I do not get this situation at all. We share a summer house with my brother’s family every year but we talk ahead of time. Who needs what in the house, what are the dealbreakers, etc. I think the problem here is people who don’t communicate.
This is such a weird thing to do. Aside from the allergy issues, I would not want my kids in a house with a 1-year old dog all weekend. Presumably, the dog isn’t super well trained at that age, and they aren’t used to being around dogs– this in itself is a safety issue.
Your kids’ allergies do not need to be that bad for them to be severely affected by having a dog in the house all weekend. (I’m sure you realize this.) I used to get so sick growing up if was staying at someone’s house, etc. that had dog hair on their carpet etc. I normally wasn’t affected by just seeing or being around a dog for a few hours.
One more internet stranger here to say: I would tell the family that you are not going to ruin your child’s vacation by exposing her to a dog, nor are you going to isolate her and act like it is something she can control. Either the dog goes (and the brother pays for a cleaning) or you don’t show, and you want your money back
I am sorry; your brother ITA and your mother isn’t helping by suggesting you all get the other place. Seriously, she puts the dog above her grandchild?
Sheesh. Am pretty angry on your behalf.
Please update on what you decide to do and what happens?
I have a 12 yr old with severe food allergies and moderate dog allergies. She’s recently started getting eczema flares after dog exposure (not something Zyrtec prevents). Meaning I have complete sympathy with the difficult path you have in trying to maintain a safe environment for your child as you negotiate the hazards surrounding them.
as someone who just got a puppy and freaked out about leaving him for 10 days (wound up having my brother housesit)… he is the asshole. especially if he knew that your daughter is allergic, but even if he did not. in a shared space it’s a big ask for non-dog people to live with a pet — and a lot of airbnbs prohibit animals anyways because of the concerns over mess, damage, and allergies.
We’re going to the San Juan Islands sometime this summer/early fall. What are your best recs for things to do there? We’ll be there 2-3 days
Does anyone have any good uses for garlic scapes? TIA!
Honestly they are delicious sautéed/browned in butter! Or you can kinda treat them like green beans in terms of seasoning/recipes.
They are fantastic chopped into 2 inch sections and tossed in a stir fry.
garlic scape pesto! We just had that last night (we put it on steamed baby potatoes, carrots, and peas, but it is equally tasty on pasta or beans)
ooh, do you have a recipe?
Has anyone purchased a coat from RainSisters? Reviews please? Brand is stalking me on IG. I need a new long “formal” raincoat and am curvy with a very large bust so many of the long raincoats (Land’s End, Eddie Bauer) are too straight up and down to fit me well.
I appreciate your fit issue, but their styles look pretty costume-y to me. Like the Tootsie Rollers at Ascot. Would wearing a classic trench open work for you? That’s a more modern look and one that would skim your curves?
That’s a fair point but I don’t shy away from patterns and fun, and wearing a trench open defeats the purpose of being completely protected from rain. For those of us with truly truly large busts, fashion is a real challenge— even plus-size inclusive sizing doesn’t always really contemplate bigger busts (I am talking deep into the alphabet, G cup plus)
If they fit you well, one of the more traditional, solid colors could read as a formal trench. The patterned versions, while pretty, do push these into costume attire territory in my mind. If that’s not a concern for you, then please wear one in all fabulousness.
i’ve seen those also — i don’t think they’re too costumey. i think spring is the perfect time to have a colorful, fun raincoat.
as another big-busted girl though the eddie bauer girl on the go trench is my usual one for spring. pockets, hood. comes in petite sizes.
they don’t make them anymore but you might look for Bravissimo/Pepperbury coats on resale sites.
i’m a bit confused, though given his track record, i probably shouldnt be – didn’t Trump say he was waiting a couple of weeks before taking military action and then he took military action? what are the global repercussions for this going to be? do we think he’ll take further action?
Pls just open the New York Times or something
I’m no Trump fan and don’t particularly think we should have bombed Iran… but even I understand that if you’re going to do so, it makes sense to leave some ambiguity around the timing.
Any other people pleasers out there? I am working on this. I am proud of myself for not giving in to my PP tendencies on two issues this week! But of course I feel a tiny bit bad but have to constantly remind myself that I am doing the right thing – for me!
As someone who isn’t at all a people pleaser thank you for working on this. It is wildly annoying to have people just going along with things they hate for fear of just saying no
Agreed, especially if they turn around and badmouth you later. I had a relative badmouth me for “dragging everyone” to a plan she had seemingly enthusiastically agreed to.
Repeat ad nauseam to yourself
“ I am getting better and better at speaking up earlier and earlier”
This has worked wonders for me.
I like me so much more now!