Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Goldie Belted Pleated Midi Skirt

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A woman wearing a white top and navy/ivory midi skirt and brown sandals

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

We can always count on Reiss for a perfect twirly skirt. While you may want to save your twirling for the weekend, this belted midi skirt would be perfect paired with a white oxford or a short-sleeved sweater for the office.

Even though it’s described as a “midi” skirt, it honestly looks like it would be more of a “maxi” for anyone under 5’8”, and a “drag on the floor” for anyone under 5’3”, so just be prepared!

The skirt is $310 at Reiss and comes in sizes 0-14. 

Sales of note for 8/21/25:

  • Ann Taylor – $20 sale types (select styles), 25% off tops and sweaters, and extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles with code
  • Dermstore – 20% off the Anniversary Edit
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – Up to 50% off late summer styles, plus extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything and extra 15% off $100+
  • M.M.LaFleur – Up to 70% off new markdowns – try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
  • Neiman Marcus – Last call designer sale! Spend $200, get a $50 gift card (up to $2000+ spend with $500 gift card)
  • Nordstrom – 9,800+ new women's markdowns
  • Rothy's – Ooh: limited edition T-strap flats / Mary Janes
  • Spanx – End of summer sale
  • Talbots – 25% off your regular price purchase, also, end-of-season clearance
  • Tuckernuck – Sample sale, prices up to 70% off! (Including lots of this bestselling work dress marked to under $75)

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320 Comments

  1. Favorite pajamas? I loved Lake but I feel like the last set or two I purchased were SO short on me (they weren’t a cropped style). I’m 5’7″, size medium or large depending on how loose I want them to fit.

    Any good recs? I’d love 2-3 sets going in to the fall and winter. I like pants and a long sleeve top, nothing fuzzy/fleece. TIA!

    1. I get my tall daughter “tall” length PJs from Old Navy. They have a lot of cute prints. Splurgy and not noticeably short on her (5-8) is Katie Kime toile pajamas (the seem visually OK on her and she hasn’t complained about length at all). I feel like they run a bit small — no vanity sizing with that brand.

        1. I think I’m struggling in that I’ve never worn a tall size in my life! Are PJs just cut short or is this maybe a Lake issue? At 5’7″ should I try tall sizes? I guess I’ll order both but I’m 40 and this would be a first.

          1. I’m 5’6” with a 31” inseam and always prefer tall for PJ bottoms. I don’t like ankle or capri PJs.

    2. Hands-down fave for winter: men’s flannel sleep pants from Land’s End or LL Bean in a tall length. The pockets are way better than anything in a women’s size, and the inseam is long enough to remain full length after they inevitably shrink in the wash. I get a knit long sleeve in a coordinating color from the women’s line to go with them.

      Old Navy has cuter patterns (also men’s talls) but the fabric is much lower quality, thinner and pills quite a bit.

      1. Do you not have much of a butt? I can never get men’s pants/pajamas to accommodate my junk in the trunk. Sizing up doesn’t work because the shape is just wrong.

      1. another vote for printfresh — i have the cotton baggera ones or whatever and they’ve kept their color and size for at least 2 years now. slightly faded but not much. wish they had more petites, i’m 5’3 and definitely need them.

    3. I like the fabric that Hill House uses for their PJs, and it washes and dries well (doesn’t shrink), but I prefer shorts sets so no personal feedback on length.

    4. I’m 5’8″. Some of Soma’s pjs come in tall sizes. I have liked those. I also had good luck with a pair from Bare Necessities. Regular length, but the pants ran nice and long (on that pair at least). I like Lands’ End pajama pants in tall, but I don’t love the matching tops. Old Navy talls are hit or miss: definitely long enough, but the fabric is sometimes scratchier than I’d prefer.

    5. Yeah I am 5’6” and bought a pair of Lake long pants after loving their shorts sets so much…and the pants shrunk so much that they’re now an awkward length. They need to make talls!

    6. I love Petite Plume’s nightgowns. They’re sort of old fashioned but make me feel elevated and comfy, and are very forgiving. Would be great for taller women. I love buying the matching ones for my daughters.

      Also, Minnow’s are really comfy too.

    7. I’m 5’10” and here to say that the tall size in Soma pajama bottoms may be too long for you. They are sometimes too long for me, and I’m disproportionately long of leg!

      They are my favorite pajamas though. They’re very soft and really hold up. I’ve had many for years. Mine are from the Cool Nights line.

  2. Should I and my 5-year old get the Covid vaccine right now? I know that it’s generally advised to get the Covid vaccine in October, but I heard that it will soon be more difficult to get the vaccine if you are under 65 and healthy.

      1. I would disagree with this. Every doctor I’ve spoken to on the matter has a different opinion and clearly none are actually looking at any research. They either default to AAP or whatever or put the burden on the patient to make the choice.

          1. It’s specific to this topic. I think not every doctor has had a chance to process what they went through with the pandemic (including a lot of hostility from patients).

          2. I would love to believe they do, but then why have I been recommended to get vaccines (yellow fever, which is a live vax) that are contraindicated for my medical condition? Why am I the one catching my OB/GYN about to miss something significant in my pregnancy? Why am I the one pointing out that guidelines issued four years ago directly contradict the doctor’s recommended course of treatment? This has happened to me so many times now, often with potential medication errors, but I honestly don’t know where the hell my doctors are getting any of their information. I’m in the San Francisco Bay area at allegedly world-class facilities.

          3. 9:19 am, that sounds like understaffed, rushed care.

            I agree that it’s wise for anyone with medical diagnoses to double check medical advice and potential contraindications themselves and with their pharmacists. I’ve personally had to remind doctors about relevant diagnoses between the beginning and end of a short appointment. I know what it feels like to be that frazzled. And I’ve had some providers seem to burn out and just phone it in.

            I wish I thought things would get better any time soon.

          4. I asked my PCP recently about something to help with sleep, because of the link between benadryl and dementia, and she said she’d never heard of that.

          5. for real, it’s like these docs are looking at a different Instagram than I am. ( this is only half-snark)

      2. Why? She’s healthy per the above. Do you all just run to doctors over ever? Oh right, yes. OP, a couple of months isn’t going to make a difference. I time these things based on when I have a free weekend to feel crummy and start looking at the calendar now.

        1. some have recommended that because it may be difficult to get the new covid shot, you should get the older covid shot now. but i don’t think it’s available most places.

          1. I think she means why would you ask your doctor. I tend to agree, unless you are a complicated special case

    1. We got it for our baby over the summer as soon as he was eligible even though the doctor’s office made it clear that no one else was doing that. Uptake of the vaccine for his age group is like 10% nationally or even lower so clearly we’re in the minority, but I didn’t want to play what if.

      1. My kids are older but I realized that last year we saved so much time and energy not being sick with COVID or flu. Obviously it’s not fool proof but it’s helpful like that. I know you know but if you want to try and convince others…

    2. COVID always ramps up after the school year begins (i.e. now), so I don’t think it’s too early.

      I know some people really prioritize coverage over the holidays because of the risk to older people at family gatherings and because of concerns about hospital capacity during the holidays. But it makes sense to me to just get boosted while eligible since COVID is already going around.

      1. Will they be coming out with an updated booster, though? I don’t want to get the “old” one if a new one is coming (yes I could probably Google, but putting it out there for discussion in case someone know whether it really matters)

        1. This is a really good question, that a lot of us would like the answer to, especially since RFKJr fired the entire vaccine advisory panel and replaced it with sycophants.

          I’m not sanguine, and I’m a bit sick of being told I’m fear mongering or anxious.

      2. I was at the doctor two (2) hours ago for my annual physical, and she recommended getting the COVID vax now because cases are starting to tick up with the start of the school year.

        1. Just went through this debate, after reading in a newsletter (Your Local Epidemiologist) that the 2024 shot would soon no longer be available , and the 2025 was likely to be restricted to those over 65 and with underlying conditions. I had not been boosted since September of 2024, and am over 65 so technically eligible for the new one, once approved. I finally decided to go with bird in hand and was able to get an appointment for a booster about ten days ago. Family members in different states had wildly different experiences, with many being refused by Walgreens in particular over confusion about whether they still could administer the 2024 shot. It is a total cluster. I agree, check with your trusted doctor. What a sad, sad state of affairs for medical care in this country.

          1. You can get a vaccine “off-label”, you will just possibly have to pay if you are under 65. Or insurers may be wise and cover anyway

        1. I get the sentiment, but maybe someone developed a new high-risk condition, or is becoming a grandparent and children are requiring it, or they wised up after five years!

    3. Get it now if you can. I’ve been trying to book appointments in NYC and none of the pharmacies have any in stock. I’m hoping my employer makes it available when they do flu shot clinics, but it’s all a big unknown right now with saboteurs in the DOH.

      1. A quick search shows last year’s shot doesn’t match current strains, and an updated booster is expected to launch mid to late September. Maybe that’s why you can’t find it yet. I think I answered my own question and will wait for the update

    4. check to see if you can — after that post from Your Local Epidemiologist a friend looked into it and CVS and Walgreens were not scheduling any covid shots until the new ones come out. If you can get it you may want to consider it. Lots of questions on how hard it will be to get, how expensive it will be if insurance doesn’t cover, etc.

      I heard they’re going to totally take it off the market in a few months so do make a push soon once it does come out if you can’t do it now.

    5. Our pediatrician says that they’re recommending initial doses for new kids, boosters for under 2 years old, and boosters for anyone high respiratory risk. My 5 year old and spouse are high risk, so they’ll both get boosters, if we can even find them. There are concerns about availability. The three year old and myself are not high risk, so we likely won’t be able to get them.

      1. I guess it depends on the stockpile, but you probably will be able to get them if you pay for them. Something I saw said full pay could be “up to $140” per dose. That’s my plan, but I wouldn’t be surprised if insurers will choose to cover because it clearly saves on hospital expenses

    6. I asked my PCP about getting a booster in June, before traveling to Spain for a short holiday, and he advised against it, saying that version was ineffective or vastly less effective against the current strain that was circulating, and to wait until the new version comes out in the fall. (I had gotten the booster in March of this year.). So that’s one anecdata point for consideration.

  3. Entirely due to his own fault, my FIL is flat broke. He is 67 and in good health, divorced. Occasionally gets jobs but then gets fired quickly. He has asked my husband for money in the past but my husband refuses, so he’s stopped asking. We have young kids and I know that if we gave FIL money, he would simply blow it on cigarettes and alcohol. For birthdays and Christmas we give him grocery store gift cards.
    SIL is his other child, and she always pays up when he asks, to the tune of about $15-$20k so far. It’s not a financial hardship for her though of course she’d rather spend money on her own self than pay her dad’s bills.
    She’s getting resentful, saying things to us like “why does this fall on me?” Well, the real answer is because we say no and she doesn’t. We have a good relationship with my SIL. Any way to navigate this? Personally I think she needs to just say no, but it’s easy for me to let her dad live with the consequences of his own bad choices since he’s not my dad (I like the guy but don’t love him).

    1. I feel like this is on your husband to manage with his sister. He could be honest with her and tell her you don’t lend money and only do the gift cards.

    2. You cannot get involved in their dysfunction. Your husband has to handle. Al-Anon may help you both.

      If he want to do something, he could pay life-sustaining bills directly (utilities, medications, mortgage) but explain why he won’t give cash.

      1. I like this idea. Obviously you don’t have to give anything, but if you can afford it, it would be generous to autopay some of his bills so the lights and heat don’t get turned off, at the very least.

        1. She didn’t say his lights were at risk of being turned off or that he’s homeless, which suggests to me that he does in fact spend money on things like housing, besides alcohol and cigarettes. OP doesn’t see that though.

          1. Hi! OP here. I posted below but he makes 60k a year via his pension and lives in a rental with two other adults, one of whom could work but chooses not to. The most recent bill is in fact electric, which he has not paid for a full year. We do know that he went on a fishing trip out west earlier this year, so that explains where some of his money went. Adding some context for why I’m such a cold hearted B!

          2. I see you want validation that he makes bad choices. Yes, it sounds like he does! I wonder what kind of mental status changes have taken place for this to occur just since the time you married your spouse. Has he been assessed for a brain tumor? For dementia?

          3. Oooo brain tumor is a good call. He should definitely go get evaluated since the drinking and impulsiveness is new.

      2. Agreed. I would encourage your husband to tell his sister that she should consider paying their father’s bills directly vs. giving him cash. But beyond that, let your husband handle the dynamic with his sister.

    3. You obviously neither like him nor love him. Your post is just dripping with judgment for him. Don’t worry, you don’t have to give him money.

          1. Really? What about those cancers that are directly attributable to people’s own choices (smoking, getting HPV and/or not being vaccinated against it, etc). The truth is a lot of misfortunes that befall us are partially of our own doing, and it’s bootstraps mentality to say we should wash our hands of them

      1. OP here. Yes, I do judge him. He quit his career in anger, giving up hundreds of thousands in his pension. He drinks and smokes all day long, gets fired from jobs for things like simply not showing up, and has a mentality that all of this is the fault of minorities. I will judge him if I choose, thanks!

        1. Which is fine. But a great reason to let your husband explain to his sister why he doesn’t give his dad money and leave you out of the discussion entirely.

        2. My FIL had a similar situation due to gambling, not alcohol. He was essentially homeless until my SIL bought an inexpensive condo in her name, with the thinking it was better to have that asset than throw money away on his rent and possible gambling. This was a long time ago when $75k bought a decent 1-bedroom in an old but serviceable building in her town.

          I completely understand your frustration. (It’s 25 years later and we still have a good relationship with my SIL.)

        3. Then you aren’t the best person to guide your husband on his relationship with his father. He should discuss with his sister and figure out which bills to take over.

          1. OP, don’t listen to this person. They obviously have an axe to grind.

            You don’t owe your in-laws unconditional love or financial support. As long as your husband is comfortable with the current arrangement, then everything is fine. I would work on minimizing the amount of updates you hear about your FIL in order to keep the angry thoughts at bay so you can be your best version of yourself to those in your life.

          2. Ahh yes, a general platitude that doesn’t address any of the issues at play is totally the right framework to apply here.

          3. I’d be curious to know why he has a responsibility? Daddy dearest dug his own grave.

          4. whether or not children have a ‘duty of care’ is something people have very different views on. I agree that husband should talk to his sister directly.

          5. Family and care flows all way. It’s not just a dumping of care and resources on the younger generation so that they can walk away from their familial obligations when it’s inconvenient. OP might not care about her in-laws, but she should respect that her husband might feel differently and should be careful that she isn’t steamrolling him into decisions he’ll regret when he looks back on his life.

            I’ve known a few divorced people who were able to reconcile with their parents when they no longer had a spouse dictating the parameters of their parental relationships. This is between spouse and sister.

          6. This isn’t the only person who has this point of view. OP, you married this situation and your SIL is right. My husband and I support his mother, would we prefer to spend the money ourselves? Yes. Is it his family, also yes. That’s called being married.

      2. I also don’t respect adults who try to foist the responsibility for their own maintenance onto others. SIL can choose to play his game, and OP and her husband (who should definitely be taking the lead in drawing this line) can tell her they won’t be participating in funding his poor life decisions.

        1. And this is how we find ourselves in this place of cutting Medicaid and SNAP and differentiating between the deserving and undeserving poor.

          1. There’s a huge difference between a nation collectively caring for its needy, and individuals being expected to shoulder the burden for delinquent parents.

          2. This take is completely unhinged and shows you don’t know very much about the cultural and political forces going back decades that have shaped this nation’s attitude towards public safety nets. Go educate yourself.

          3. Right, because the former uses “other people’s money”. But how we treat people on a micro, individual level (especially when they don’t deserve it) is representative of our true values.

            I’m not telling OP what to do, but I am reacting to the phrase “foisting responsibility for their own maintenance onto others,” because that’s literally everybody who uses the safety net

          4. Completely unhinged? Your reply seems hyperbolic. As mentioned above, I am referring to the general mentality that adults shouldn’t pay for other adults’ “maintenance”

          5. No, it’s not hyperbolic – certainly not anymore than your absurd response. What you said is not only ignorant, but insulting and designed to guilt trip OP and anyone else who thinks it is okay to set some boundaries on giving money to relatives who are making choices requiring them to need support. You are deliberate blaming this perspective for the current cultural and political support for slashing the public safety net. This is ignorant of history, conflates two things which are dissimilar, and really is no more than just a character attack. The poster to whom you responded did not describe a general mentality that “adults shouldn’t pay for other adults’ ‘maintenance.'” Don’t create a straw man argument to justify your inappropriate comment.

          6. 10:20 – are you advocating that everyone should be the SIL in this scenario? That the parent should not experience any consequences for their own decisions and their ongoing lifestyle preferences should be funded by their children with no end? What happens in situations where the adult children cannot prop up FIL without sacrificing their own financial stability, whether present or future? Or when people continue to make bad financial decisions without regard for the fact that they do it at the expense of others?

          7. I’m 10:20 and no I’m not, I’m only tangentially commenting on the OP, and instead I’m replying to the slippery notion that “I also don’t respect adults who try to foist the responsibility for their own maintenance onto others.”

            The GOP rallying cry is “personal responsibility” while the Dems claim to care about public institutions and safety nets, but there’s a real undercurrent of bootstrapping when applied on a micro level. It’s easy to clamor for “government” to take care of people, but hard when you are asked to put those bleeding heart values into practice in your own life, especially when you don’t deem the person “worthy of help”. Similar to decrying the cuts in education and then turning up your nose at the public schools.

            Clearly this is a tangent now…

          8. Look, we all know people who are making their own problems, and we all know people who get dealt a bad hand and are doing the best they can with it. I suspect there are more of the former than the latter, but I think we all want the latter to get help. Dems would rather help the former group to make sure the latter group gets services, and Republicans would rather not help either group than enable the former group’s bad behavior. Both approaches have problems, but I don’t think either is inconsistent with not wanting to give money to an alcoholic self-destructive relative…

    4. You aren’t wrong. SIL isn’t wrong.

      Your husband and SIL need to sit down together and decide as a team what they are willing to do. FIL will not change. I can’t tell whether he is an abusive alcoholic or someone who simply blows his $ on small pleasures when life isn’t great.

      I guess you could let him run out of money and be homeless. Is that what you want? You wont win this fight. I would set up an appointment with the local Department of Aging resources, and find out from their social worker visit what benefits your FIL is entitled to. Get him on the wait lists for subsidized senior housing, as the wait to get in can be years. If his income is very low there are other discounts on utilities, meals on wheels and things like food banks. It is common for family to take over payment of some simple utilities or medical expenses. It is what it is.

      1. OP here.
        1. FIL makes 60k a year via his pension and rents a house in a LCOL area with two other adults, neither of whom work. One is late 40s but only works one day a week as a waitress. The other gets Social Security.
        2. We have 3 children under 5. I personally think my husband’s primary duty is to them but I understand others may feel differently.
        3. Idk how I married into “this situation” because when we got married 9 years ago, FIL didn’t drink or smoke and was gainfully employed.
        I appreciate many of the thoughtful responses.

        1. Well, that’s a good income for LCOL retiree, who lives with 2 roommates. He should be able to afford some alcohol, cigs and a fishing trip – and his electric bill. The issue seem to be that he lives with 2 other people who also don’t seem to be contributing, if an electric bill hasn’t been paid for a year.

          He needs a one bedroom apartment in senior housing. Honestly, with that income he may have difficulty qualifying for senior housing. But he clearly shouldn’t be living in a house with roommates who don’t pay their shares either.

        2. Nope, I wouldn’t help him financially at all! The other person can work more than one day a week and while $60K isn’t a lot, you can certainly survive on that.

          1. He can have multiple duties at the same time. OP didn’t say it was the family mortgage or dad’s electric bills. Or is the argument “we have kids and no other discussion will be had.”

        3. You married into it because that’s what life and marriage is. Did you hear the for better or worse part?

          1. Marriage is pretty stupid then. You sign up for people to freeload off you at the expense of your own children?

          2. Does “for better or for worse” mean you can’t have boundaries or be frustrated with your spouse’s family, or….? If he starts hitting you after you get married do you say you married into it because that’s what life and marriage is, for better or worse?

          3. Then do everyone else a favor and don’t get married if you feel that way about family. It comes with obligation and responsibility.

          4. No, there’s nothing preventing you from articulating where you think the obligation ends.

    5. i think you and DH need to consider what will happen if FIL doesn’t get the money, how that will affect you, and manage those issues. is housing an issue — could he end up living with you or is he more likely to end up with SIL?

      did he quit his job recently? that sounds like a mental health issue.

      1. Agreed. Seems like OP is glossing over the fact that FIL didn’t use to be like this. If my FIL suddenly couldn’t hold a job and was abusing substances, I’d be doing all I could to seek multiple medical evaluations – IF I wanted him in my life, that is.

        1. +100
          And I would say if spouse wants him in his life. Being married means stuff like this is a package deal.

        2. I posted above about my FIL (now deceased) who had a gambling problem and depression. We tried hard to get him to accept evaluation and treatment. We spoke to a personal friend who was a geriatric psychiatrist, and she explained that he was of sound mind and had the right to refuse treatment. It was a frustrating situation. I agree the family should first try to get help for him before cutting him off.

      2. And so so unbelievably unfair to hoist everything on the sister. I just cannot with the selfishness that underlies this rant.

        1. I was actually going to comment on that. Like others said, the husband should have a conversation with his sister. If it were me, I’d try to make the message that we both care about Dad, but he is making his own choices, and I am not willing to risk my family’s finances over his choices. And if my sister wants to set more boundaries for herself, then I support that. A united front will be more effective in digging into possible medical issues as well managing the money side.

        2. Woah, what? This is not “foisted” onto the sister. FIL makes enough money to pay his bills, he’s just choosing not to.

          I think both Husband and his sister should figure out how to treat the problem, not argue about who is throwing money on it as a bandaid.

          1. I think you get right to the heart of this particular matter, Anonymous at 12:43. FIL makes enough money to pay his bills. He seems to have a problem, but it’s not that he lacks money. I agree that the two siblings should try to figure out what the problem is and how they can help.

            I have seen plenty of giving money to relatives when their problem has been something other than lack of money (drugs, etc.). I’ve never seen it help solve the problem, but I have seen it help make the problem worse.

        3. Yeah, FIL should stop hoisting himself on his daughter, I agree! Certainly it’s not selfish for son to set a boundary? Sister could if she chose to as well, no?

          1. No, not necessarily. The sister is taking on the full responsibility here and OP and her H are doing nothing. That’s shitty.

          2. OP here. I disagree that we are being sh!tty but agree to disagree I guess. Did you miss the part where he has a 60k a year pension? My SIL can say no the same way my husband does. Personally I think her “taking on the full responsibility” has enabled him because he knows if he quits a job or goes on a fishing trip instead of paying his bills his daughter will bail him out. Maybe his 40something girlfriend can work more than one day a week. But yeah, I’m the bad guy here.

          3. Totally not fair to bury head in sand while SIL takes the burden. Sorry, but I think it’s shitty your husband isn’t working with her to sort out what help he needs medically and what will and won’t work to keep him independent and doubly shitty that you want to view her as some sort of rube in the process.

          4. Refusing to enable an alcoholic by giving them $$ *is* doing something. Allowing them to continue in their dysfunction is doing nothing.

        4. Why is everybody being so mean to OP? This is a very complicated situation. She’s not wrong for wanting to protect herself and her family. And please, if you have not had addiction in your life, be thankful. It’s hard on everyone involved, especially because of predicaments like these.

    6. So, it sounds like this might be your first experience in dealing with someone with potential health problems that might involve mental health issues or substance abuse? This is really complex. I would suggest your husband and his sister discuss whether they should push him to see a doctor, and what else they are willing to do to assist him. I’m a fan of not giving cash, but instead providing other support. Paying a utility bill, or car registration fees, etc. We had an alcoholic in our family and the siblings ranged in reaction from ones who enabled her alcohol consumption to ones who didn’t want to enable her and instead paid for utilities. But let them sort it out between themselves.

    7. Even if you have a good relationship with your SIL, I think your husband and SIL should be the ones having the money conversation. You have my sympathy – my in-laws are solid financially but make other choices that are super self-destructive and I just have to let their children choose to deal with it (or not).

    8. I think it’s very reasonable to tell an adult that they are not your financial responsibility. My parent is like this and what people don’t get is that there is no reason this person couldn’t work. In my case, the person wants to be a victim about not having money. Well, I work for my money. I give them gifts and pay when we go out to eat, but they have a roof over their head and food. They just want to have spending money which is not my responsibility to provide.

      You can’t control what the SIL does other than your husband saying we are not giving spending money. If you do that, it is your choice. My suggestion is if it is a real need, then cover the bill directly and not give the person cash.

      1. Humans are meant to live intergenerationally, and care for their elders as they age. It’s what humans have always done. It’s only a more recent phenomenon that we think the elderly should fend for themselves when they are the least able to actually do so.

        1. OP here. He’s 67 and has 60k a year in pension, and lives with his 20-years-younger GF who chooses to only work once a week. He himself left his decades-long career because what he described as a diversity hire became his boss, so he left in a huff. I think this is a very different scenario than an elderly person who cannot care for themselves.

        2. I’m speaking from personal experience where I do care and fund for elders who need care. But I also have a family member who would literally suck every dime out of me when they could otherwise work for basically shopping sprees. There is a HUGE divide between your idea of care and those adults who view you just as a checkbook. OP is right to set boundaries.

    9. I’m sorry that you are getting some salty replies.

      IMHO, this is a boundaries issue. Your boundaries shouldn’t affect what your SIL does or does not do. She can give what she is financially capable of giving and does not cause her resentment. She can give with strings (eg he goes to AA) or without strings. What she cannot do is make her lack of boundaries with her dad into your problem.

      There are scripts for this where you gently but firmly outline what your lanes are.

      I would suggest something like, “He is not destitute and he has enough money to get by. His pension provides more than enough to meet his basic needs, keep a roof over his head, and provide for some entertainment. If you choose to contribute more money to him, that is between you and him. We aren’t going to get involved. By the same token, your involvement with his finances isn’t something that impacts how we spend our money.”

      You can also tell her that the source of the problem is her father’s profligacy and irresponsibility; the path of least resistance is you and your husband supporting him. When those things aren’t the same, it’s okay to have hard conversations and to draw boundaries.

      1. OP here and thank you for these talking points! This is exactly what I was looking for. As I mentioned initially, we have a great relationship with SIL and want to keep it that way. This is very helpful.

        1. You’re welcome! I’m having a rather crummy day, so I’m glad that I can help.

          Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  4. Does anyone have a recommendation for a nice poem could share with my mother-in-law for her August birthday this week? We’re separated by an ocean and a variety of political difficulties and trying to pull together as many things as I can for her. None of the poems I like seem to fit the bill, nor anything from initial googling. The ones about aging are all depressing or trite.

      1. I was thinking something about how the passage of time offers hope and opportunities, or maybe simply a beautiful poem about late summer and nature.

          1. OP here and that’s beautiful, but may be a bit complex for MIL – English is her second language and she isn’t fluent. I guess I should have mentioned that.

          2. Ok, OP, here’s three more to try: Peace of the Wild Things (Wendell Berry), A Light Exists in Spring (Dickinson) or All Things Bright and Beautiful / Beauteous (Cecil Alexander – although it’s religious, not sure if that will fit). Not quite the same vibe but you might connect with them.

          3. Oh! and one more about being a mother, which I find beautiful as a mom: Georgia Douglas Johnson – The Mother.

    1. do you specifically want a birthday poem? or just something about love or connection (or about the month of August??)

    2. I couldn’t find the exact one we used for my own grandmother back in the day, but this is a variant google pulled up:

      I am a wildflower,
      Growing wild and free.
      No one cared to cultivate me,
      But the spirit grew anyway.
      I am my own kind of beautiful,
      Wild and free.

    3. This sounds counterintuitive, but Caroline Kennedy edited a really lovely book of poetry for children, with poems grouped into various topics including seasons. If you have time to swing by a book store you might want to peruse that.

    4. Mary Oliver is meant for this. My favorite of hers is Wild Geese, but Blackwater Woods is also gorgeous.

    5. OP, this isn’t a breezy birthday poem to fit the bill, but I have to note it here because it is beautiful and one of my all-time favorite poems! It is a poem about the poet’s mother in law:
      Born by W Szymborska.

  5. Is anyone here a toxicologist? If so, can you talk a bit about how you go into this field and if you like it, etc.? I heard a talk by a medical toxicologist who started as an ER pharmacist and it seemed fascinating. I used to really love chemistry.

    1. Not a toxicologist, but I am an internal medicine physician.

      Several times a year I call poison control in Minnesota when I have a patient in the hospital that overdosed on a medication or took a non-medication substance. The poison control toxicologists act as a specialty consultation service for us. They help us know what symptoms to monitor, how the toxicity will progress, and how long to monitor the patient. They help troubleshoot unexpected symptoms (metformin toxicity shouldn’t cause hypoglycemia! Perhaps the patient also took too much glipizide?) They keep records and will call the nurses and the doctor back to check on the patient throughout their stay. I find them to be incredibly knowledgeable and helpful and I always get a little excited to talk to them! It seems to be a very interesting and rewarding job.

  6. What pants do you wear when working from home/on the weekends? As the temps begin to drop, I realize I only have jeans, work pants, and athleisure so I want to branch out a bit.

    1. i wear athleisure most of the time or switch to jeans or cords if i’m in clothes. jeans are good because you learn really quickly when you’re gaining weight.

    2. Jeans, work pants and athleisure cover all my needs. When WFH in the winter I wear joggers, in the summer I wear yoga/gym shorts.

      1. Same. Full time wfh. Summer is usually gym shorts and a solid colored tshirt.
        Winter are athleisure pants and a solid colored long sleeve or flannel.
        My company is super casual and not frequently on camera for calls.
        If we go out for an activity, I swap for linen shorts or jeans

    3. Mostly athleisure or jeans …

      Athleisure for WFH and weekend errands/chores/lounging. Athleisure for me runs the gamut from leggings, joggers, Brooklyn pants, yoga pants, etc.

      Jeans (or other similar pants, like cords) for when I’m socializing or just want to look or feel a little more put together.

      In the summer I also wear linen pants for all of the above.

      My work is pretty casual, so I have lots of ponte black pants that I do wear for WFH sometimes because they’re just as comfy as athleisure.

    4. Athleisure or joggers when I’m at home. I’ve been leaning into athleisure as something I would be comfortable in at home but can also be seen outside in.

    5. Is there some fourth category that isn’t speciality activity gear? Hiking pants, ski pants, workout pants?

      1. deeply tempted to join a zoom in my ski bib now!

        but maybe something like tie waist linen pants? they always seem a little casual for “work pants” to me, but not jeans or athleisure

    6. I love the Faherty stretch terry pants. Not terry like a towel at all. The could be worn to work but are so comfy

    7. Ponte knit trousers and corduroy jeans and trousers. All of them look like real clothes so you can venture out without changing.

  7. I talked to my gyn about why menopause is such an area of DIY for women. She (maybe 40?) said that in med school, it maybe an hour of class time and residency is mainly at city hospitals seeing Medicaid patients (skewing younger and maybe high risk gyn cases and stds, maybe some cancers). Not places where you encounter 45-69ish well woman visits and symptom management. The system starts failing us from the beginning it seems.

    1. MIT just launched a big menopause department to study it i think — IIRC they were using the word “moonshot” in association with it.

      But wait until you read about how women weren’t even necessarily included in trials for things like heart medication and so forth… we’re all just little men, you know!

    2. It’s also because, until now, there hasn’t been much money in it. Women’s health in general receives less funding and reimbursement rates are lower. I saw a chart once that compared similar procedures on women vs men and even with things that were basically the same (like vulvar skin biopsy vs penile skin biopsy), then men’s reimbursement rate was still higher. There is no incentive for doctors to focus on women’s health concerns like menopause.

      1. IDK — my use of the gyn function has only gone up north of 40. I’d be a ripe target for concierge care for these sorts of doctors. Lots of testing and procedures once the lady parts start acting out. And they act out. In fact, I’d choose a well trained Gyn as my PCP over internal medicine at this point, but IDK if that’s allowed officially. I certainly know who I make time to see.

  8. Just a random Tuesday musing from a burned-out person, but I wonder how much better off we’d all be if we got sabbaticals every 5-10 years. Vacation is nice, but it’s often not long enough to make a big difference.

    1. I took a summer off between jobs and it was life-changing. Hard to save up for but breaks between jobs would seem to be a way to start. COBRA wasn’t cheap.

    2. Absolutely this would be an amazing thing to do. But unlikely to happen if you’re American. I’m just glad I still have regular vacation time at this point.

    3. So much better! If, in my imaginary world where we finally decide enough is enough, and we’re going to jury-duty elect a small citizen committee to redesign our benefits and social safety nets so they actually work for the modern economy, and I get randomly selected for the committee (and of course, because I’m in charge of this dream, everyone else is a thoughtful, rational, insightful fellow citizen :), this is gonna be my pet project to get added to the package.

    4. DH actually gets one every 5 years. he gets an extra 4 weeks of paid vacation at his employer. my mom’s employer used to give employees a month every 7 years, but then they had too many people due for round 2 at the same time, so it just became a one time deal

      1. My husband gets this too (US, tech company). I was so jealous during his last one. Given he’s in tech, I don’t know if he’ll stay at the company long enough to get a second…

    5. We get one after 10 years at my company (large international company headquartered in the US). I’m two years in but really hope I make it that far!

    6. my firm offers 3 month sabbatical to equity partners that they can do I think every 10 years, and I desperately think we need to extend this to all employees. I’m mid career salaried partner and I desperately could use 3 months to help with burnout.

      1. That’s why I am so envious of teachers. Having even a few weeks off when things are not piling up at work is such an extra

      2. I mean, unless you have an FMLA reason to take one, my job’s not going to look kindly upon it if I just ask for 3 months unpaid time off.

    7. We get 6 weeks/year of vacation and you can roll over up to 1 year’s worth, so technically you could take 12 consecutive weeks off near the end of the calendar year. I’ve never heard of anyone taking that long though, and people who take more than 4 consecutive weeks are usually returning to their family of origin overseas, not just on a random vacay.

    8. My company recently added a paid 4 week sabbatical once every 5 years. I took my first one last year, and it was amazing to have several weeks off to disconnect and take a longer trip.

  9. I’m lucky enough to be at final round of interviews for two jobs that I think I would like. I’m trying to keep the recruiters aware and move the process forward and balance not wanting to seem presumptuous with letting them know that I have a couple options. This is exhausting!

  10. In the mood for some retails therapy! Share what you’ve been loving below.

    Levi’s Wide leg rib cage jeans. Comes in tall lengths. Currently on sale for $68. Wide jeans that work for my 40 something self. Nice enough that I can wear to my lawyer job at a tech company.

    Everlane boxy t shirt. Can get 3 for $60. Modern cut (and cheap!) without being too boxy or too cropped. Can be on the playground with little kids without worrying about flashing my belly

    Warby Parker Beale sunglasses. Modern shape for <100

    Jeans, boxy T, sunglasses and either Salomon sneakers or fisherman sandals is my weekend look 90% of the time

    LaRoche Posy face wash. Not $ and made my complexion more even

    1. Ooh, I appreciate the jeans recommendation! I need some retail therapy and Labor Day sales feel like the time to indulge.

      What do you wear as a lawyer at a tech company? I’m switching to a similar role from a conservative office and I don’t have much between suits and athleisure.

      1. Im in SF, tech lawyer. I wear jeans with nice sweaters and “cool sneakers” or mary janes. If I have an important meeting I will wear jeans and a nicer blouse, slacks and a nicer blouse, or a dress. Power toppers include a lot of fancy leather jackets.

        I have not worn a suit in nearly a decade. Even for Board meetings, our board members dress down, so if I dressed up in a suit, it would be seen as odd. Women can dress nicer, but a suit is overkill.

        YMMV if you’re not West Coast tech.

  11. talk to me about retainers — any tips on how not to lose them? have i just not noticed how many adults must be wearing retainers, if you’re supposed to wear them forever?

    my son just got his braces off (last T) and by Fri he’d lost the top one. His appointment tomorrow will cost $200, sigh… should we see if we can order multiples? Any products I should know about (like a neck lanyard or something?)

    1. Has to be a routine of putting it directly in case and in his pocket. Never in a napkin or on a tray/table. I think advice to wear retainers forever as a n adult is mostly at night?

      1. lol he’s in marching band and he lost it at a game friday night – i feel like he could wear something beneath his uniform if the pants pockets aren’t big enough. but maybe he should just not wear the retainer at all on those nights.

    2. More people than you realize do wear them as adult. You can get cheaper but also worse quality ones online at like Retainers direct. I use them now as an adult. I have also spent a lot of time looking for my retainer in the sheets etc

    3. I’ve had mine for 25 years now. You would never know because I only wear it at night every few weeks, which is normal. Even when I got my braces off I think daytime wear was only for a little while.

      Um, no to the lanyard. Kid needs to get in the habit of storing it in its case and also cleaning both it and the case regularly. I would definitely have him leave at home for short periods with high risk of loss, like band. The rule when I was a teen is that if I lost it through carelessness that I would have to pay to replace it.

      1. by ‘normal’ I mean something a lot of adults do. As a teen with newly un-braces teeth, it was daytime and night for a few months I think, then just nightly for a few years, before I could just go to maintenance wear.

    4. I’ve had my braces off for 30 and still wear my retainers and always have – I’m on my third set because they do wear out, but I’ve never lost one. I wear them at home either while I sleep or just when I’m home doing home stuff. I haven’t worn retainers at school since before I had braces and they actually were doing something else as part of the ortho process. Can your son just wear them at home while he studies or watches TV? Then you always return them to the case that’s in the bathroom. No risk of loss.

    5. My daughter only has to wear hers at night. So no risk of losing it at school. Also, her orthodontist made a second at the same time as the first in case of breakage or losing it.

    6. I did not have to wear mine during the day for very long after I got my braces off. I think I stopped wearing it at night in college. I now have a mouth guard for teeth clenching which I wear every night– and it serves the same purpose as a retainer. I’ve gone through quite a few mouth guards because my dog chews them up (and it’s expensive) but I’ve never lost one.

    7. All three of my kids had braces and now wear retainers. The wear them at home and leave them in the case as soon as they take them off. They just have to really get in the habit of putting them in the case when they are not wearing them. They do not really take them out of the house and if they are out late at an activity or spending the night somewhere they usually just don’t wear them that night.

        1. I needed to go back into braces as an adult, my orthodontist put in permanent retainers. They are very small metal bars on the backs of the front 4 teeth on the top and front 6 teeth on the bottom. I do use special floss to keep them clean, my teens use a WaterPick.

      1. Permanent retainers are the answer. I had top and bottom. Top wire came out about 10 years later. My bottom is THIRTY years old (I’m in my mid-forties) and still going strong. It’s not visible, never bothers me, and has kept my teeth straight. Highly recommend.

        And yes, I got these after I threw my retainer out with my lunch at school multiple times and my mom was furious. I had to pay for the second and third with babysitting money.

    8. My son got his braces off in May. We bought an extra set of retainers just in case. He plays football and basketball and the best thing we’ve found is a sturdy case meant for a mouthguard. It clips to his backpack (on the inside) and so far he’s been successful at not losing it during practices or games. He can also slip it into the pocket of his school uniform shorts so he can put the retainer directly into/out of it during lunch. Look for the Shock Doctor mouthguard cases. They are heavy duty and don’t get crushed (that happned right away to the case that came with his retainer.)

  12. I have a food and health question. Does anyone else feel like some of the short term effects of healthy living stuff is just blown out of proportion? I’ve shared before that I’m on a fitness journey and I’ve really focused on eating and drinking extremely well in the last few weeks. Obviously there might be long term benefits but I do hear people talk about short term benefits a lot and I’m just at missing it.

    I’m upping my water intake and all it does is make me pee more. I’m not glowing or fuller or feeling younger. I’m eating well by the rigorous standards of my doctor and it’s…fine? Like in no way changing my energy or mood or anything? I’m lucky in that I don’t tend to have major issues with feeling bad or with digestion but I’m just feeling very annoyed that there isn’t this instant feeling of well being that I was kind of promised. I also cut out wine and I just don’t see this tremendous short term upside that people talk about. Like going from a few glasses a week to nothing hasn’t changed my workouts or my sleep or anything. All my friends seem to have different experiences and talk about two glasses of wine or one carb filled dinner ruining their weekend. Is it possible this is psychological? Or am I just like an old Toyota whereas my friends are fancy Italian sports cars? I appreciate any insight. I’m struggling to separate the health from the hoopla at this stage.

    1. Sometimes its that they were drinking a lot more or eating a lot less fiber so even a change back to normal makes an impact for them.

    2. Consider this: it’s the people that have actually experienced pleasant or surprising or relief-bringing benefits that talk the most about them. That’s just the way we humans are. So those are the people you’re hearing from, not people who didn’t experience much change. “I didn’t really experience anything bad before, and am not really experiencing anything particularly good now” isn’t the kind of stuff we usually post on social media or excitedly tell our friends.

    3. I think bodies do respond differently, yes. I’m like you, I’m a very fit person, but I can eat an absolute garbage pile of food and sleep fine, feel fine, etc. I know other people who would get intense heartburn and feel sluggish and so they avoid eating that way – to them, the yumminess isn’t worth the downside. To me, there is no immediate downside.
      I think upping water intake has been kind of debunked. I’m sure it’s helpful for people who otherwise literally never drink water to focus on it, but for someone with a healthy approach to water, forcing down an additional half gallon a day isn’t going to do much.
      I say listen to your body and your results. If you’re happy with where you are with a few glasses of wine or suboptimal food choices in the mix, go with it.

    4. Haha, same in every way. I did cut back on wine as a wellness goal, and I’m glad I’m drinking very little generally as I enter my 40s, but in no way has my skin improved, sleep improved, or my weight dropped because of it.

    5. Huh, yeah, my experience is more like yours – I notice over the span of a couple months if I’ve started drinking more, exercising less, eating differently, but even then, it’s subtler, not a huge “I’m way less energetic”, etc. Maybe it’s hoopla, maybe it’s just different bodies reacting differently. For what it’s worth, having the instant sense of well-being would be nice, but I also enjoy being able to enjoy a few glasses of wine or 12 s’mores in a row at the end of the summer bash, or whatever else without negative effects, so a “Toyota” body has it’s advantages!

    6. I go both ways on this bi have a chronic illness and feel lousy a lot of the time no matter what I do. Some things do really matter (sleep, exercise, eating regularly, alcohol and caffeine both cause problems, magnesium helps a ton for m*graine), but other things don’t (any other vitamin or supplement I’ve tried, water beyond basic hydration, eating junk once in a while).

    7. When I turned 30 my body freaked out. Alcohol messed with my sleep, dehydration caused me headaches, I NEEDED fibre to have my daily bowel movement. Before that I could subsist on trash and be mostly fine, now everything comes to a halt. (I think I also have a mental thing where I get uncomfortable if my digestive system isn’t working perfectly, I don’t know how people can mentally deal with sporadic irregular bowel movements).

    8. I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my SIL eats garbage and drinks too much and yet seemingly feels great and is healthy, whereas I would feel lousy all the time if I had her lifestyle. I got flamed for it because it’s this board. But yeah, I think some people are less affected by what they consume than others.

    9. I’m 100% with you. I have done all the things, and even managed to stick with it for several months. Absolutely no real changes, as far as I could see. Which tells me that maybe my baseline isn’t so bad!

      1. Yeah. Those people who are like, “listen to your body!” I’m all like, “hey body! Speak up! I’m right here!”

        1. I am going to start referring to my body as a Toyota or Honda body. Because that is … pretty accurate on all fronts! I’m not exciting, but I’m sturdy AF.

    10. Every body is different, both in how it responds to diet and exercise and how aware of your body you are. I personally need 4-8 weeks of changes in my diet and exercise to feel any difference, good or bad. And it’s subtle. Some people it takes many months, some people feel different after a few days. There are also lots of people out there with mild undiagnosed allergies, and they tend to get immediate benefits which is why there’s always some sort of really restrictive diet that’s popular and has people claiming it works magic. It worked magic for them because now they’re not eating foods they’re allergic to, but that’s not gonna be the case for most people.

    11. Remember that 1/3 people in USA has impaired blood glucose control. That is 1 out of 3 people who is likely to notice really dramatic changes from diet changes that aren’t relevant to the people whose blood glucose is fine no matter what they eat.

    12. I am so glad you asked this because I feel like this, too. FWIW though now I am 46 and I do feel “bad” more easily (heartburn or bloated or runs) so I try and avoid the things that I know that cause those feelings. But yeah. Being “good” doesn’t mean I feel like an angel getting wings, either

      1. 45, and same. I’ve never been a big drinker. My diet has always been pretty moderate in all things. I exercise regularly, but I’m not, like, killing it or a super athlete. I do notice I’m a bit more sensitive to overdoing dairy than I used to be. When I’ve tried to be “better,” it is a lot of aggravation for very little benefit.

    13. Honestly, I think part of it is that it makes people more regular. A lot of people need help in that arena and may not realize it.

    14. I think this is a sign that your body has been powering through better than some of your friends’ bodies have been able to do. That does not mean you will always be able to eat and drink what you like with no ill effects, but rather that making healthier short term decisions will have a higher chance of creating lasting long term impacts than if you were struggling from the start.

    15. Using your analogy, you are the trusty Toyota but your friends are the winter beater that doesn’t start if it’s below freezing, has bald tires, and the check engine light is on.

      The kids who can do anything they like, feel healthy as horses, look like models, and sleep peacefully every night without issue are the sports cars.

    16. For me, it was more when I stopped eating foods my body couldn’t digest than the healthy eating made a huge difference. I always thought I had a fussy stomach, but really it just does not tolerate dairy or any of the sugar substitutes well. And, yes, it should have taken long before my early thirties to figure out what foods made me feel not so great. The healthy eating just happened to knock out a lot of the offending foods.

    17. Avoiding beer and desserts helped me drop extra pounds quickly without extra effort. I also slept better overall, but not perfectly. I think a lot of changes have a small moderate effect, not a glowy advertising life-makeover effect.

  13. I really don’t like when people send emails with the “high priority” exclamation point – especially folks who do it regularly. In most cases they do want a quick answer, but doesn’t everyone? Before I provide this feedback, am I the problem?

    1. I actually appreciate it. I’m on so very many emails in a day many of which don’t require a response, so making sure I’m taking a look at those that do or are maybe for something more immediate is helpful. Best if used judiciously.

    2. I’m a lawyer and I use it when something really bad will happen if I don’t get a timely response and there is a short fuse (a day or two or less, depending upon how likely the person I am emailing is to quickly respond). Hopefully, however, this is the second or third or fourth time I have emailed this person about this, so it’s not a sudden emergency (though that does happen). Given all that, I use the exclamation point about 3 times a year.

    3. I work in a small office. Our admin sends every single email with the high priority exclamation point. Leftover cake in the kitchen? Exclamation point. Reminder that Monday is Labor Day? Exclamation point. It’s annoying and dumb, but I haven’t asked her wtf.

    4. Anyone who uses that regularly is the problem. If you truly need a quick response, that’s what phones are for. You are NTA.

    5. It annoys me because the people who use it the most are often the people who are most out of step with what’s truly urgent or important. But it’s certainly on the first page of annoying coworker habits that I’d worry about

    6. I also dislike them. I worked in a really large office and I once joked they should make people defend their office-wide high priority emails at the holiday party. That way, we could all vote on whether the red exclamation point was warranted. It was a lot of nonsense with people turning personal grievances into psas.

    7. I occassionally send an exclamation point to my virtual assistant. She works for several lawyers and gets emails from all of us all day. If it is a priority, then I might send and exclamation every few weeks.

    8. it’s boy who cried wolf for the people that do it constantly, I just tune it out.

      I don’t know that I’d provide it as ‘feedback’ unless they report to you? I guess a “hey John, it’s hard to know how to prioritize your requests when they’re all sent as high priority. Can you reserve that for truly urgent situations?” — but I think that’s likely to be met with “all my requests ARE high priority”

      1. If John were your direct report, it would be part of your role as manager to coach John on his inability to properly prioritize among his own requests.

    9. A partner at my first law firm in biglaw sent them for EVERY SINGLE EMAIL and it was so incredibly obnoxious. I hated him for other reasons (exposing himself to a colleague, giving my secretary a soft porn novel for Christmas (like WTAF!!!)), but I also hated his constant faux emergencies, and he also did this externally, so it made us look like jerks to clients too. Good riddance.

  14. I’ve begun flying more for work. The planes are sometimes 2 x 2 seating, but they can be regular 3 x 3 seating, too.

    What on earth is up with the gate agents LYING about how much overhead bin space there is? Somewhere during boarding, they’ll come on the loudspeaker and declare that all the bins are full and that everyone else will have to check their bags. Sometimes it’s gate-check, which I’m fine with, and sometimes it’s check-check, which I’m not. Then lo and behold, you board and there’s bin space for days.

    Does this happen to anyone else on your flights or am I just winning some sort of untruthful gate agent lottery? Does it bother anybody else? In what PR world is it ok to lie to your customers every single day, every single flight? (To be clear, it’s the lying that gets me, not the fact that there’s limited space.)

    1. No. I presume they’re estimating because it’s a time-consuming hassle to remove bags during/after boarding

    2. Yes, this has happened to me as well and it’s infuriating. I was forced to check a bag when there were literally miles of open bins. I don’t know how I could’ve pushed back without getting myself thrown off the plane as a belligerent passenger.

    3. This happens to me all the time and it bothers me a lot too. I’ve started telling the desk agent that I’m going to continue taking my small luggage aboard and that I will keep it under the seat if it doesn’t fit. They always give me the stink eye but I’ve never not had bin space. (It’s a roller bag which is why they try to fight it but it is very small and does fit under the seat on all but regional planes, which I don’t routinely fly on). I’ve heard it’s because they can load/unload a plane much faster with checked baggage but I’m not sure if that’s true.

    4. IDK how true this is, but I’ve heard that due to the pay structure of FAs (they don’t get paid until the plane pushes back from the gate–not paid for boarding time), there may be some…pressure from the plane to get bags gatechecked because it’s faster than letting passengers load their bags into overhead /underseat space.

      1. That’s interesting, and I’m actually fine with that, but transparency or at least not outright lying would be nice. “We’re going to have to gate check the rest of the bags to maintain an on-time departure,” or just “We’re not going to be able to accept anymore bags in the overhead bins.”
        But also, have they even tried to address the problem of people traveling with carry-on bags that they can’t lift over their own heads? The flight attendants aren’t supposed to help, but there’s also never any communication that as a passenger, you’re expected to be able to lift up your own bag and to check your bag if you can’t. So it falls on the helpful people nearby to help the person who packed more than they can manage, but that’s a huge time-waster. It would be so simple to add a question at check-in: “Please verify that you or someone in your party are able to lift any carry-on luggage you intend to bring onboard into the overhead bin.”

        1. People needing help lifting has never seemed like major contributor to slow loading – it seems outweighed by people trying to find a spot (especially if they end up needing to walk “upstream”), re-arranging the guy who decided to put his roller board, personal item and coat across a whole compartment, etc.

          Also it’s hard to know if you’ll need help until you see the height of the bins on that particular plane!

        2. I am a short person.I can lift the bag I pack but depending on the bin configuration , I may need to climb on the seat to put the bag in the bin. Sometimes, the aisle seat is occupied so I cannot climb on the seat. I gratefully accept assistance from taller passengers, and I do not feel guilty about needing it. It has nothing to do with overpacking my carryon.

        3. Or “please gate-check bags that you are not able to lift into the overhead bins on your own.”

          So what if a few people take advantage of it? Oh no, more gate checked bags!

      2. At least for AA the gate agent is penalized if the doors don’t close on time. Gate checking the bags helps.

    5. I noticed this the last time I flew, too. They were declaring, “absolutely full, no options.” It wasn’t true, at all. I wondered what was up with it. Maybe nobody was listening to them when simply asked for volunteers, rather than drawing a hard line.

    6. I think often the problem isn’t the absence of space, it’s that loading bags into overhead compartments delays take off and prevents an on-time departure. It’s still lying and probably doesn’t make it any less frustrating, but it at least explains the circumstances.
      I have no idea why that particular lie is preferable to the truth.

    7. Some airlines are better about this than others. If you’ve just started flying for work and the routes make sense, try out all the major carriers. They are not created equal.

    8. I agree with the problem, but if you’re flying one airline regularly, get their credit card to move yourself earlier in the boarding process.

    9. What would you guys do if you know the flight attendant is lying (either someone else boarded first and told you or you can see not enough have boarded for it to be full) and you really need your bag? What do you say?

      1. You provided a lot of detail about how you know the flight attendant is lying but no detail about why you “really need your bag.” There’s nothing you can say in this situation— make sure you don’t really need your bag before you get there because you absolutely can’t predict whether you can keep it with you (just like everyone else).

        1. A few common reasons: medical supplies, changes of clothes for traveling with an infant, formula and bottles, valuables that are too large to fit in an under-seat size, extremely tight layover.

          1. For medical or infant supplies, tell the agent! Don’t worry about whether they’re “lying” about overheard fullness, just say something like: “I have medical supplies I may need in flight, is there anywhere I can keep this with me”. They will help you find a spot. This is part of the social contract – when you really need it, we all help find a way. The other part of the social contract is that you do your best to pack in a way that makes it easy to separate – like a “absolutely need” bag separate from your roller bag. And if you lie about having medical need for stuff because you just hate gate checking, you will probably not get caught, but you have done a bad thing, and should feel ashamed and not do it again.

          2. With the exception of large valuables, everything else you listed should be in your underwear bag anyways because you want access to the items during the flight.

            Speaking from experience, but a change of clothing doesn’t help if you can’t get to it when there is a diaper blowout

      2. Will your bag fit under the seat if needed? I think you could try a one-time “It fits under the seat, can I please keep it?” in a friendly tone, and see if that works. Don’t argue if they say no though. They’re not going to kick you off the flight for asking nicely once.

        But fwiw, when they switch to gate checking, isn’t there usually a line of people backed up on the gangway? So a person already seated saying there’s still room isn’t really significant

      3. You can try to reason with the gate agent, but if I really, really needed to have access to my bag during the flight, I would just pay the $20-30 extra for a seat that gets you moved up in the boarding process. At this point, I just kind of assume that my bag will be checked and keep everything I need for the flight in my smaller “personal item.”

        1. Are you boarding early with the premium economy seat? I’ve never actually seen it happen that early in the process – maybe try another airline? But yeah, if you buy premium economy but want to board last minute, that’s another story (and an unfortunate one! I’ve often thought I’d be willing to pay more to board /last/, and spend less time stuck inside, not first!)

      4. A woman who was on a flight I was on took everything out of the suitcase and checked the empty suitcase. Luckily her stuff (wedding outfits) was in packing cubes. The other passengers helped her carry the cubes. When we got on, the entire back third of the plane had empty overhead bins.

    10. Related and probably stupid question from a non frequent flyer: why not make it free to check your luggage? There’s stuff I want on the flight but I don’t need to shlep an entire suitcase around the airport. The past few times I’ve flown baggage claim has been nbd and it’s lovely not having to worry about this. It’s crazy that they incentivize carrying on and then get annoyed when people want to do it.

      1. It used to be, and then they realized they could make a fortune off checked bag fees. it kind of makes sense-bags are weight, more weight means you need more fuel, so rather than build it in to the cost of a ticket, you charge people who use more weight. I have flown on tiny puddle jumper planes where they actually charge for luggage by the pound

        1. And this made me curious when they started charging because I definitely remember a time before they did, and I didn’t fly much until probably after 2010–American was the first American carrier that wasn’t a budget airline to charge, and it started in 2008 with a bag fee of $15, specifically to offset high fuel costs (which have of course since gone down): https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c0qg3ylx2g9o

        2. As frustrating as flying can be these days, I would be way more likely to check a bag if it were free – and I also buy the cheap, personal-item-only, no-carryon fare. It means I can afford to go more places more often.

          What I would like is standardized acceptable sizes for personal items, a requirement for airlines to clearly communicate how they measure, and an established process where you can dispute a gate agent’s characterization of your bag.

      2. This is 100% a problem created by the airlines. When each ticket got 1 checked bag there was a lot less trouble boarding. But I learned from an article I read a few months ago that it’s not just that the airlines make money from checked bag fees, they also sell the cargo space that used to be full of passenger luggage. If too many people check bags, they can’t profit as much from the cargo hold.

      3. It used to be free. Charging for checked bags incentives people to carry on their bags, and to carry on larger bags they would otherwise check despite checking bags being (in some situations) more convenient. Some of the bags I see people trying to carry on now are huge.

      4. Airlines also pay a per-fare tax of 7.5%, but this tax doesn’t apply to baggage fees. The industry has saved billions of dollars in taxes since they implemented baggage fees.

        1. The tax is not an expense to the airline, though. The airline collects it from the passenger and passes it along to the government. Like sales tax.

          1. But separating out checked baggage fees provides the illusion of lower airfares when travelers are comparison shopping airfares.

    11. I have been known to pull the gate check off my bag and continue onto the flight. And then put my bag in one of the MANY open spots. Obviously this is a risk (as some are actually very full), so being aware of your surroundings/demographic on the flight is useful. It obviously doesn’t work for check-check bags – they will delay the flight if your bag isn’t scanned into the baggage hold.

      1. Interesting, I always wondered if I could do this.

        OP you aren’t wrong that flying is pretty broken and airlines are generally evil in almost every way :)

        That said if
        You are traveling frequently now do yourself a favor and pick an airline and build status so you get earlier boarding and don’t have to worry about this as much.

      2. Why? Are you in that much of a rush? By the time you use the restroom, bags come out like 5 mins later at the most. So weird to not just gate check, they always make your plane.

        1. I refuse to check a bag. I don’t want to go to a baggage carousel. That said, I make sure my bag can fit under a seat.

      3. My mom does this regularly with great success. She has high level status with Delta and is always one of the first to board but her bag still sometimes gets tagged. But she almost never has to actually check it.

        1. Yeah don’t you love it when this person blocks the aisle with their bag while you’re trying to board because it doesn’t fit anywhere and eventually has to push it back out the front?

    12. Are you also including the bins marked for higher classes? Because I fly Delta a lot and obviously comfort plus gets their own bins that they don’t fill until basically the doors are closed. The reason being they paid more for the privilege.

      My guess is they also have to estimate on a certain number of overhead bags for the passengers on board because they can’t undo once people are there so they are conservative to save time. It’s likely not the flight attendant anyway but some software calculation like seat sales.

    13. I’m in Europe, frequent flyer, and have never had that happen. Have had to gate check maybe twice the last ten years, at an airline where I don’t have loyalty status.

      I do keep a small, foldable nylon backpack in my luggage, just in case I will have to put medications and electronics under my seat.

    14. I’ve seen this happen when there is something heavy in the cargo hold and they need to distribute weight. They are counting how much weight can be in the cabin versus the cargo hold. They just don’t advertise that is the reason.

  15. just curious if anyone actually throws away all makeup at the 3 month mark? i do that with mascaras but everything else i use so rarely that i’ve had some for 10+ years, which i realize is the other end of the spectrum…

    1. absolutely not, I go by texture and smell. a tube of foundation usually lasts me 2 years. mascara 9 months. shadows, 3+ years

    2. No.

      Mascara, yes, some other liquid products like lip gloss, too. If germs from my hand can get into the product, then I pay more attention, too (like, with some liquid foundations).

      But a powder, blush or solid eye shadow palette? No, I only throw that away if it smells or looks funky.

      I clean my brushes regularly and might wipe the surface of a solid product with a tissue when I haven’t used it in a while, but I’ve never ever had an issue with breakouts or other germs on my skin.

    3. When I first started wearing make-up (1980s) they’d say to replace mascara at least once a year. Now they’re down to three months. It’s to increase sales.

      And the reason (“bacteria!”) doesn’t really hold up for me, because: you touch the wand to your own face. You have bacteria on your face. You transfer those bacteria to the wand. Where else is it coming from??? They’re your own bacteria!

  16. How much do I tip the shampoo person (who washes my hair before the cut, only)? DC metro area. Thanks!

    1. I don’t. It’s not my problem that the salon is having two people do the work of one, and my stylist can give them a portion of the tip if she wants.

      1. That’s my number for a simple shampoo, but if I were having a service that require more than one trip to the sinks, I would double it.

      1. Still $5. Sometimes $10 if they add a special conditioner or it’s the holidays for a regular.

  17. Kat, I can’t post or reply to any comments on the moms page. It’s not working on both my computer (Mac, firefox) and my phone (iphone, safari). Can you look at it?