Weekend Open Thread
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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
A friend was raving about this sunscreen from Kosas, so I got the mini size to try it out — and I really like it! It has a pleasant scent, it goes on smoothly, it doesn't feel goopy like so many sunscreens, and the “original” color is just right for a bit of a sunkissed glow for my usually Very Pale face.
Previously, my go-to sunscreen+tint was Bare Minerals Complexion Rescue, but I have a bigger size (and in a Very Pale color), so I think the Kosas one will be my go-to for summer travel when I'm naturally a bit darker anyway.
DreamBeam Comfy Smooth Sunscreen Broad Spectrum SPF 40 is $22-$40 at Nordstrom, Sephora, Credo Beauty, and Kosas.
Psst: Sunscreens readers have loved over the years are pictured: Elta MD, Supergoop!, and Kat's latest favorite sunscreen (mostly for winter). Don't forget a sunscreen stick for your purse!
Sales of note for 6/12/25:
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals up to 25% off + designer clearance up to 60% off
- Nordstrom Rack – Refurbished Dyson hairdryers down to $199-$240 (instead of $400+)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off pants + skirts + extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new womenswear styles
- Eloquii – 50-60% select styles + extra 45% off all sale
- J.Crew – Easy summer styles $39.50+ + extra 50% sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off 3+ styles + up to 60% off everything + extra 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – 30% summer essentials with code + try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Rothy's – Up to 50% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale: Extra 60% off 3+ markdowns, 50% off 2, 40% off 1 + 30% off select travel must-haves
Help me shop! I’m looking for a light neutral color (warm white, ivory, taupe) blazer that can be a topper for business casual outfits and work with both pants and dresses. Budget up to $200.
J Crew Factory schoolboy sweater blazer
Nordstrom has a khaki blazer I’m really liking: by halogen, single button
The thread this week about espadrilles in the office got me thinking…what other items do you think “age” you in a work wardrobe? There were some comments that those shoes worn in an office are worn by people of a certain age. I’m an elder millennial and I think I may fall victim to some of these fashion faux pas not realizing the world has moved on since 2016. I still think I’m young, except when the new staff start and I realize I am not the youngest anymore lol.
I think skinny pants or any kind of tight bottoms (leggings, fitted ankle pants, etc) does this. Having a lot of colors of subtle highlights and really “done” hair, like longer mermaid-y waves (this is more of a SAHM look than an office look but it reads very “late thirties” to me). Brightly colored pants (such 2013 energy). drapey tops, especially with a pattern. dresses with patterns, especially if they’re that anti-wrinkle synthetic knit material. cute little cardigans worn as cardigans (open, rather than buttoned shut as a shirt). ankle booties.
I hate that cardigans are considered dated. What with the temperature swings of menopause, I need a way to cool off and then warm up again.
Oh well, good thing I don’t work in a very stylish office.
I just button them and I think it does help.
I don’t think cardigans are per se dated. Buttoned cardigans seem to be in. Bigger cardigans seem to be if not *in,* at least not *out.* It’s a specific look- a cardigan that hits at hips and is worn unbuttoned.
I don’t disagree with you, but LOL, because this is my entire wardrobe, except I don’t do brightly colored pants. After all, my wardrobe was built between 2012-2018. I’ve added a few things since then but nothing that really changes that overall style.
For me, I don’t see what I can change. I’m petite so that doesn’t help – I can’t do the big blazers, midi dresses that look so elegant on other women become maxi dresses on me, wide leg pants threaten to drown me, I can’t imagine a wider jean(?) would look professional at work, or just make me look like I was wearing the wide legs jeans I could never afford but desperately wanted in middle school. Love my drapey tops because they are comfy and hide bloat. I do recognize that my vast cute little cardigan collection is dated and I’ve been phasing those out, especially now that I have the lovely alternative of giant cardigans. I guess I’ve phased out my sheath dress collection and pencil skirt/blouse combo. It does scream “fabulous looks to take you from desk to dinner in 2015!”
If you’re looking for suggestions, you might consider updating your pants from “skinny” to more of a slightly wider cut? I feel that the true skinny styles are very out, but you don’t have to go straight to wide leg pants. You just need some pants that don’t taper in at the ankle!
Necklaces that are bigger. I have an absolutely beautiful colleague who still wears these statement charm sorts of things and it always looks so dated to me. Same with skinny pants and especially if they are paired with heels.
I was kind of surprised about the espadrille comments. To me that’s just something you see with casual summer dresses. I think it’s more a matter of not really being workplace than dated or something. I wouldn’t even give a second thought if they were paired with a cute summer dress at brunch.
I feel like I see espadrilles on Europeans regularly in the summer. Maybe it’s a summer shoe there more culturally than it is here? IIRC they are Spanish in origin. I like the look but need something more shoe like than a rope sole proper.
I think espadrilles are classic with summer day dress outfits, but they don’t read as professional in an office setting. The same way you wouldn’t wear a sundress to an office.
Yes, here you see them all time in and out the offices. And doesnt matter the age of the person.
Are the bigger necklaces back? I didn’t really like them on the last go-around so this is not a self-interested question, but I noticed a bunch at a Sezane store (which I think of as a current brand) last week.
I think the person you’re responding to is saying they’re dated.
I understand that, I’m just saying that I’m suddenly seeing them again. Not pendants – the fully beaded kind.
I just checked out the sezane website. very interesting stuff, I think they’re going for the quiet luxury with the hand knotted resin beads. I think I’m going to take out my (genuine gemstone) hand knotted necklaces.
Pendants are very back too, along with espadrilles. I think that poster is a bit out of touch.
I think bigger necklaces are back but not in the same way they were in the early 2010’s. No giant bubble necklaces, instead luxe statement pendants.
I’m ready for the stacks of tiny chain necklaces to go out. They look great on websites like Gorjana but every time I see someone in real life wearing them, the chains are all tangled with each other.
It’s all I can do to sit on my hands and not offer to untangle them.
Agree – bigger necklaces are stylish, but they are different than in the past
Yes they’re back.
But 2016 was only… oh.
Right???
OP here- I hesitated on what year to write! I picked 2016 because that was the last full year I worked without needing maternity clothes or post-kids, so it seemed like the last year I was paying close attention to what was “in”. And yes, I know moms can still be fashionable etc. but my youngest is now 4 and I feel like I’m finally able to pay attention to these things again! 2015 being 10 years ago is so hard to process!
If you’re still wearing the same pieces from 10-15 years ago – yes, that’s almost 2016(!?) – you need to mix it up. Not necessarily constantly throw out and rebuy, which is wasteful. But re-style with a mix of old and new. Like the Audrey sweaters from Talbots that went with all the pencil skirts and ankle pants and round-toe wedges and bold necklaces a decade ago pair well with wide-legged pants and flats and a simple pendant today. Or tuck in those blousy popovers to high-waisted jeans.
Didn’t see the discussion your’re referring to, but this European senior level xennial wore metallic leather espadrilles to the office today. I wouldn’t wear canvas ones, but leather is fine.
The rest of the outfit was vintage 80ies and 90ies, very much current.
Adding: my skinny jeans, sheath dresses, statement necklaces, fitted blazers and almond pumps are definitely in storage.
Just wanted to say I LOVE this sunscreen. It’s shiny when first applied–so if you aren’t likely to wear foundation, it’s probably not for you. But it works so well with my foundation that it makes my skin look like a million bucks. I recommend it to all of my friends. I consider it almost like primer now.
Does this mean that you put foundation over the sunscreen?
Yes, that’s what dermatologist recommend if you wear foundation.
this has always confused me, as makeup isn’t really part of my routine. So thanks for the clarification. Do you reapply during the day?
Yes. I apply the sunscreen first and then add a small bit of foundation on top (I use Kosas for that as well-the kind that’s a pump with the yellow top). I then like to use an hourglass blush/bronze on cheeks (I have a compact that came with like six different colors and I just swirl). The result is super dewy and glass like. I even had a friend compliment me and ask what I was doing differently.
Another person who wears a bit of foundation over sunscreen.
My favorite “influencer” Michele Wong, a cosmetic chemist, showed how much foundation with SPF she’d have to apply to get the advertised SPF. It was 13 pumps, when she would ordinarily wear 1 to 1.5 pumps of foundation.
Never rely on a cosmetic with added SPF for your actual sun protection!
I love my Asian sunscreens, personally. I apply the full recommended amount, let it sink in a bit, and then put my foundation (less than one pump) over it using a stippling motion. It works beautifully.
Here’s her IG video, not sure this link will go through.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CtY03R2xi9m/?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==
So did she also show how much sunscreen she’d have to use to get the advertised SPF? Because the recommended amounts are like glopping it all over your face.
(I admit that the Korean sunscreen you’re recommending is more effective in smaller amounts.)
I use a full 1/4 teaspoon, as she recommends. But it’s a lotion texture and really sinks in well as it forms the film (which is how sunscreens work).
I remember that last fall, there were some people here who said they were voting for Trump because they thought he’d be better for their personal finances.
I am wondering how they feel now. Maybe their finances are better. I’m really not trying to stir crap. I think most people here are thoughtful, so maybe they have genuine reasons for being okay for everything that’s going on.
I wonder the same about voters who thought Trump would be better for the Palestinians.
There is no genuinely acceptable reason for anyone to be okay with calling up Marines against citizens, for deporting people without due process, for ICE thug LARPers hunting down farm workers.
Unfortunately some people just lack morals.
Not that poster, but the educated/wealthy people I know who voted for Trump for personal finance reasons now deny having supported him at all and are walking it back. “He was saying all the right things – who could’ve predicted this?” is the refrain.
The wealthy/educated low info voters lol
Honestly though. But, “if you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything.”
I voted for Kamala, but I did think that after Trump’s first term, he would likely be better for my personal finances (so you could say I was in it for the greater good, but I at least predicted a selfish side benefit if the worst happened). It has decidedly not been better for my finances.
This is exactly the same for me. Although if I buy the TACO dips I guess it could be good for my portfolio in the long term, assuming sanity returns within the next decade or two.
I was thinking about the budget & federal debt specifically last night and wondered whether the tariffs might actually be OK on balance … they are kind of a de facto consumption tax, which IN THEORY could be a progressive tax, potentially offsetting the tax breaks if they’re made permanent (because it seems pretty obvious to me that the US needs more revenue, not just less spending). If they disincentivize rampant consumerism, that’s an environmental win. And if the pipe dream about bringing some “high quality manufacturing jobs” back to the US works out, eventually so much the better.
However, poorer people still need food and clothes and will likely be disproportionately impacted by an economic slowdown, and an economic slowdown means less revenue from both tariffs AND taxes, so I landed on a big nope.
They could be a progressive tax in theory if your theory is premised on a complete change in consumption habits, American attitudes, human nature, and financial hygiene among the wealthy.
you don’t think wealthy people spend more money on things than poor people do? they might be fewer, higher quality things, but it’s still more money.
I think the fraction of discretionary spending is much larger. If you don’t make six figures, then fixed costs like housing, groceries, or gas are becoming an increasingly overwhelming share of your budget. The price increases are of course true for all, but I don’t think it’s the same impact. If rising prices force me to economize, it’s forgoing luxuries, but it’s not giving me sleepless nights over putting food on the table, you know?
Yes, it is “more money”, but it isn’t a higher percentage of your income. So poor people are paying 10% tax on 90% of their income (whereas now they might pay close to 0%) and wealthy people are paying 10% on 30/40/50% of their income. That is not a progressive system; quite the opposite.
That “bringing manufacturing jobs” back is a huge assumption and most of the folks I hear repeating it lack any clear understanding yet alone detail on what that would look like. There are a whole lot of things that just don’t make sense to manufacture here with a supply chain dependent externally on the goods needed for components. And even in instances where we could, those manufacturing jobs involve more than just buying a plant. I used to work tangentially to the packaging and processing industry. When things are green builds they use more automation from the start. It’s not a 1:1 job creation. And the training involved in servicing and building up the appropriate workforce takes time and the wages need to be low enough that still makes things profitable. “Buy American” is even a fallacy in many cases with only portions actually done here. A whole lot to bank on with a lot of assumptions made that look more like 50s style manufacturing rather than IIoT set-ups.
The other thing is people don’t want manufacturing jobs – they want UNION manufacturing jobs. That’s why grandpa could afford a house, a car, and a cottage on the lake on one salary. But most Americans don’t realize this.
Anon at 5:08 pm, that’s actually wrong. Non-union manufacturing jobs can pay shockingly well (for high school diploma holders in LCOL areas).
For example, the BMW plant on SC pays $22/hour starting, $24/hour for the night shift, high school diploma only. Health care offered.
No, you aren’t going to buy a lake house on that, but no one expects to. They want to not starve and watch their kids die from a fentanyl overdose.
Well, there are also a lot of assumptions that manufacturing jobs can’t come back. I work for a multi-national, and we move manufacturing around all the time. It’s a failure of intelligence and vision to simply proclaim it’s never going to happen.
Items that are paramount to our national security and health must be manufactured here. Our dependence on drugs manufactured in other countries is an example of a real vulnerability. I do not believe the current administration has what it takes to identify and prioritize industries that we should onshore, however.
If you want to read a success story about re-shoring, search Bath & Body works and “made in USA” for how they moved production back to Ohio.
There is pretty good research that as a union avoidance strategy, non-union employers in significantly unionised sectors have started offering higher wages and benefits. It’s almost like unions lift all boats.
The international stock market is doing great. Domestic is not.
I doubt that’s what Trump voters want though.
Not really.
Most Trump voters I know are thrilled. Their feeling is that massive structural change is needed and Trump is getting it done.
Not here to argue the merits of that.
If the only media folks consume keep telling them that, it’s hard to think otherwise.
You aren’t saying anything that hasn’t been said here for the last ten years. Enough.
It deserves repeating until free press is no longer under attack from this administration and press briefings actually include tough questions again. Sorry, but I don’t care where your political leanings fall. It bears repeating and repeating and repeating until folks wake up and realize that an editorial isn’t a news story, “both sides” reporting is too often presented as equivalency, and just because you repeat someone’s crazy lie doesn’t make it a fact.
Enough with folks like you.
Ditto the posters who claimed I was fear mongering for suggesting getting up on vaccines or asking your doctors to run antibody titers.
RFKJr just fired the full vaccine advisory panel and replaced those experts with cranks.
Do you really think they’ll just pull vaccines from the market or that insurers will drop coverage? We’re in big trouble if that happens!
Yes, I do expect vaccines to become less accessible.
I do too. Unfortunately.
RFK should just focus on his own brain worm, instead of deciding other people are doing it wrong. Unfortunately, that ship has sailed.
It’s already happening with Covid vaccines. They won’t be widely available in the fall anymore; only for the elderly and people with certain health conditions.
This is for the older people here. Spouse is 5 years older than I am and itching to retire at 65. I am not itching to retire at 60 (and probably can’t make the math work). But I do not want to be slogging away at my current rate if he is not working at all. I’d like to travel too while I’m young, but need a McJob to step back to (especially before Medicare kicks in). Has anyone looked at a step-back job if you’re on a similar glide path? I’ve got about a 5-year planning window, which maybe I could stretch out by a year or two. Current job is on-call 24/7 with no ability to actually take a vacation; it is tremendously flexible with where/when I work and very inflexible if I ever wanted to go dark for a week or two. Would love in-person jobs; I am not the sort who does well working only remotely (BTDT during COVID).
Sorry, is your bottom line question that you’re in your early or mid 50s and want a lower-intensity but full-time with benefits job as your next step? This would be easier if you post your actual industry, since some, like say finance, have “in house” equivalents at large or midsize companies, as opposed to something like disaster management.
You’re providing a lot of info but somehow still very little. In my industry people often become consultants at about 55, they earn the same salary for half the work. Companies in my industry use consultants because then it looks better on the books less ‘staff’ even though the consultants are just ex staff.
Right now I work on an eat-what-you-kill basis as a contract “counsel” level lawyer. It’s so unpredictable when work comes in and it’s a regulatory / transactional specialty (think: the department of labor side of ERISA). The money is good, but it is so miserable of a lifestyle that after decades, I’m just ready for something very different. I went straight through but worked PT for 7 years at a courthouse (always thought I’d be a prosecutor, but ha), so I could be a court administrator but feel that people at my age don’t get hired on for things like that. I think I’d be happy if I could get self/spouse health insurance and not have to hit my retirement savings.
I’m trying to weed through your post to find what you’d like to know from us. Is it that you’re in your 50s now and would like a less-intense job, and maybe you want validation that making that change would be an OK / good idea?
If so, and if you can afford it, why not? Define the parameters of the kind of job you want, and then just start keeping your eyes open for it.
My husband retired before I did (he is 9 years older) and I was internally kind of mad because he just didn’t have the years of service or retirement savings he should have had at that point. He didn’t really get full time office type work until he was in his 30s (was pursuing a musical career all that time, which didn’t happen) so by the time he was “retirement age” I’d already worked many more years than he had, and I felt resentful. But we didn’t fight too much about it. It was a me problem, really.
Anyway, stuff happened. The company I was working for at age 55 had layoffs and I was one of the lucky people laid off. And I mean it because I absolutely hated that job and felt stuck in it, which is probably 90% of why I was resentful about my husband retiring.
So now I’m an independent consultant/contractor and work part time (some of it for my former employer – never burn bridges, friends!) This is my retirement glide path, and I am so, so glad to be on it.
The only rub about retiring before age 65 is healthcare. Thank goodness for the ACA. My state has a robust marketplace, and that’s where I get my coverage. It’s not cheap – I don’t get any subsidy – but at least I can get healthcare. I’m really grateful for that.
Best of luck to you! Please ask any follow up questions here. I’m not able to convey all the steps it took in a few paragraphs!
I’m wondering — do colleges’ career offices do this sort of counseling? Like “I’ve had enough of this job and want to try another?” IDK if I could go back to my college or just enroll PT in community college, but I feel that people in “jobs” retool all the time but people who have entered professions are subject to them being a bit binary — either repeat until retirement or quit. There isn’t a real precedent for finding an offramp and then another on-ramp (especially when you are older). Unlike in medicine, no one wants a per-diem lawyer (unless you do discovery gigs and I’d rather do anything else). In my city, I do know if you are good at math, tutoring high school kids pays really well for PT work (but then you may deal with helicopter parents).
State government. I work forty hours a week, everyone is protective of my time off, and the work is interesting and meaningful and I work with people invested in making the state a better place.
Is it super exciting? No. But it has a lot of benefits.
I was a state government employee once. The health care was amazing (and free). Not sure re family coverage (and IDK if people with Medicare also have secondary insurance through a spouse and how that works).
State govt here. If we work till 55 we have retiree health which means me and spouse are insured for free until age 65 at which time that insurance becomes part B supplement to Medicare. And our kids are fully insured till age 26. The lower government salary was the trade off.
It’s hard to give you advice without more info on what field you are in. I don’t think it is particularly easy to go out and get a job of any sort at age 55, so it would be helpful to know what kind of work you do currently beyond your schedule.
“Not particularly easy” = near impossible.
WWYD? I have one job offer (A) in hand for a dept head role. I have a final round interview on Tuesday for a role (B) that’s lateral to what I did prior to my layoff, it reports to the kind of role the A job is. B work would be enjoyable and pretty easy for me, A work would have responsibilities and challenges I haven’t directly experienced before. Both are manager-of-managers. A will pay more than B. The midpoint of B’s range is a nonstarter, but the upper end of the range is ~15% less base than I’ve been offered for A. Either would cover living expenses. Obviously all a moot point if I don’t get the second offer, I’m just trying to think through how much “easier” is worth to me.
Relevant details: I’m definitely taking one of these jobs. I’ll be the sole income for my family for at least the next year because DH is in startup phase as a founder. Given that plus normal family life with kids, it’s kind of appealing to me to have a job that is not as mentally taxing. Two different companies, but assume stability, industry, in office requirement, commute, and rest of the comp package is similar.
I could be totally off base, but I’m getting a feel that you’re feeling daunted/intimidated by the idea of the stretch required to learn Job A, plus being a parent, AND having DH’s attention and time consumed by his work.
If that’s the case, I’d take Job A. It’s going to feel daunting, but they wouldn’t have offered you the job if they didn’t think you could do it. Unless there are other factors you didn’t mention, like your DH is such a workaholic that you’re basically going to be solo-parenting 2 special needs kids for the next 8 years while he gets this thing he’s founding up and running.
Take Job A! It’s a no-brainer, IMO.
Yes, you read that correctly, and thank you all, this is the perspective shift that I needed!
I think that the higher salary will also help reduce stress. If your husband’s company encounters problems, you won’t be freaked out about cash flow or where money comes from years down the road.
Job A will open a lot more doors for you; you can always move into a position similar to Job B in the future if you don’t like it, but I would not give up that opportunity just because it is going to be a stressful year.
+1, this is what I’m thinking as well.
No question A. More money, more authority. I’ve never found being lower in the managerial food chain to be “easier.” This is a no brainer.
For perspective, I had a similar choice and went with A, then couldn’t cope due to being burned out, and was asked to quit. So now I’m unemployed, and can’t find work. I’d go for B, or if you go for A, make sure you have the help you need so you can cope.
I need to pay off some debt/stock up on savings. I’m thinking about getting a weekend job and I’m wondering what pays well that won’t completely burn me out. I don’t have any desire to work with children or tutor. I’d like something relatively slow paced where I can sit down for much of the shift. Does this type of gig exist? Any ideas?
Delivery driver?
Is that slow paced? Annecdata, but if it’s tip based, often people are stingy with tips. And if it’s delivering for Amazon, I’ve heard that is is very quota-based and people feel frazzled.
What skills do you have? Are you conventionally attractive?
I used to be a promo model and would pull 500+ a shift hawking whatever product/brand at a bar or trade show or event. I could sit for the medical ones.
Department store counter? I’ve always had a dream of working part time at a makeup or perfume counter. Mainly because I like both of those things.
The standing though . . .
At my local store, the clerks sit on tall stools until a customer comes along. I guess that’s what I was thinking of.
I just saw a posting in my town (which I am positive is not yours) for guest services at a museum. That’s a little niche, sure, but I would think about things that are open 7 days/week but might struggle to find weekend coverage. Museums, ticket window at the MLB park, reception at a spa, checking in people at a hotel, etc. Bonus points if it is somewhere you’d get an employee discount for something you buy anyway. (My go-to recommendation is always waiting tables, because it can be a lot of fun, and you can make a lot of cash, but it’s physically demanding.)
A lot of retirees in my area work at the local MLB field – I think they are mostly in it for the free game watching, but I always thought that would be a fun gig.
Similar, but I plan to work as an usher at a concert venue when I am older. My mom was an alcohol enforcement worker at the outdoor music center during summer vacations (teacher). She basically just had to go to all the concerts, make sure the concessions that sold alcohol were in compliance with local laws, and spot check that they weren’t selling to underage people. She tried to schedule mostly for the symphony concerts both because she likes the music and because the crowds were much more pleasant to be around!
What pay rate is worth it to you?
What do you currently do, and how can you moonlight doing that?
What came to mind immediately was something like a receptionist for a medical practice with weekend hours. You could also look into part-time medical coding or transcription work, which often can be done from home.
A friend of mine has built up a solid “fun fund” by participating in focus groups on evenings/weekends. It’s not necessarily predictable, but I think he pulls in around $400-500 a month doing it, and it’s just a few hours at a time (and seated).
Cater waiter, bar tender, event help – a lot of work, often tips but it’s fun
Oh NM. I missed the sit down part, but if you can get over that, these are fun things to do.
any local government public-facing offices that are open weekends? Like, the clerks at the DMV are definitely seated 99% of the time and slow paced.
TW: weight
Can anyone help me with links or advice on this topic? I think it would be called “concern trolling” around here.
I have two kids in their early 20s. One just finished college, one is finishing college in the fall.
Older kid looks like her dad. Lithe and thin/wiry. Younger kid is overweight, like me, and looks like basically everyone on my mom’s side of the family.
Oldest kid is on a fitness journey, and in the style of people in the throes of this (not to mention the know-it-all early 20s, which I certainly went through myself) and is mad, mad at me that her sibling is overweight and “not healthy.”
One thing I know for certain is that fat people know they’re fat, and reminding them that they’re fat or being mad at them about it is not going to help.
Any advice? Links I can share?
I believe my oldest loves her sibling but it being super obnoxious about it.
Tell older sibling “you’re being a jerk and you need to stop right now. Your siblings weight is none of your business.”
You don’t need resources and links you need to mom it up.
This, 100%. This isn’t an issue of knowledge of combating her “expertise” with other forms of “expertise.” This is about you parenting your older kid about getting over herself and to stop lecturing people who didn’t ask for it. Be firm and direct, and please say something.
Thanks. That’s basically what I tried this morning but now older child is mad at me. I thought links may help but at this point I’m dropping it until it inevitably comes up again.
Older child’s anger at being called out b/c they were a jerk isn’t your responsibility.
Requiring civilized behavior from people in your house and living on your dime is.
This isn’t a “links and expertise” issue.
Your child is going to encounter a lot of people whose lives are going differently than hers. People are going to be more or less successful, get married earlier or later, have babies or struggle with infertility, get laid off or keep their job, whatever.
She NEEDS to learn to zip her little lips about people whose lives aren’t as shiny as hers. I don’t care what the subject is or how much better she thinks she is; zip those lips.
There are many reasons for this.
+1. Look, my mom used to talk to me a lot about weight a lot in my teens and 20s – like a lot of people did in the 90s and early 2000s, but also I think because she went on her own fitness journey. The absolute best thing that I ever did for our relationship, at 25, was tell her that we could talk about anything else but not weight. With that topic off the table, we ended up having a great adult mother/daughter relationship. You could do a favor to both your kids in terms of their relationship if you can tell your older one to just get off the topic.
I am going to take your advice. I’d rather not discuss it anyway.
It kind of sounds like you’re normalizing being overweight by appeal to genetics. Is this coming up somehow (like have you made negative comments about weight loss meds vs. accepting genetics) and older kid is reacting to that?
Honestly you sound like my daughter. Younger child has been thin then more overweight, and has gone back and forth. Research increasingly indicates this is genetic.
However, none of this has to do with my messaging around weight loss drugs, which we haven’t discussed at all.
This is a young adult who feeds themselves and does not live under my roof. And who also already knows they’re overweight, like all overweight people do.
I guess I don’t understand why it matters that it’s genetic. Genetic doesn’t mean “okay” or “necessarily lacking in evidence based interventions.” Research also indicates that going back and forth isn’t super healthy long term.
It’s none of older kid’s business either way, but “it’s genetic so it has to be left alone” doesn’t make sense either.
I really hate the appeal to genetics thing too. There are whole societies where this isn’t a problem, especially metros with more active transportation. That alone should highlight the huge lifestyle component.
What does that have to do with telling someone it’s not their business
Why do you hate the appeal to genetics (facts) – is it because it makes you feel less justified in judging overweight people?
I implore you to find a fat person in Amsterdam. Your ‘facts’ aren’t really.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6565398/
Fat shaming doesn’t work and in fact leads to adverse outcomes. I know you seem to enjoy it, but it’s not helpful.
Now let’s compare fat acceptance outcomes to GLP-1 outcomes.
Being overweight is kinda normal. Before I went on GLP-1, I was white knuckling to stay at 165 lbs at 5’4″. That’s where my body wanted to be. Nothing wrong with it.
I don’t know; if GLP-1s help somebody a lot, is it possible they were needed, and someone wasn’t getting as much GLP-1 as they were supposed to? There are so, so many medical conditions that GLP-1 have been found to help with.
Oh, good grief. Not everyone is required to starve themselves, lose muscle mass and ruin their bone density and raise their risk of death because people like you hate fat. It’s truly none of your business.
Just tell the older one to quit being mean and rude. It doesn’t matter why the younger one is overweight or whether she objectively should or can lose weight. Older sister needs to mind her own business and be polite.
My kids are a bit younger, but I’ve had to come down pretty hard the youngest for teasing the oldest about a (now resolved) medical condition. It was a lot of being really stern and repetitive – you don’t roast your sister about X, we don’t talk about X as a family, X is personal.
With my mother and MILs, I’ve had to get really repetitive about the weight talk and the fat talk but now they just know, “Seventh is mean about weight stuff and gets mad if I talk about how an extra cookie makes a 7 year old into a fatty.” They don’t like it but understand that I am “unreasonable” on the matter.
Wow. Sorry your family is dealing with that.
For those of you who have gotten off of the wait list for Rancho Gordo bean club, how long did it take? Years?
Expect at least a year. It can take longer, though. I saw someone report 11 months this round.
Months! Maybe 9 months.
FYI for my fellow bean nerds, my Mother Stallards are simmering with some onion and garlic right now.
The best beans ever!
I just got off the list after about a year!
Twins!
i think I need a cathartic cry, but I don’t really cry. Is there a trick to bringing on a good cry?
Watch the movie Beaches
The Killing Fields does it for me.
Also, oddly, Goodnight Oppy, about the Mars rover. Seeing people work so hard to achieve this rather wholesome thing and being so joyous when it works gets me in the feels.
Terms of Endearment (which is a great movie even without the tear jerker parts). My mom and I used to call it Tears of Endearment.
Is there a movie that is not about cancer? I just found out my best friend is NOT dying of cancer. But I have other things to cry about
Tons of movies where the dog dies!
My Dog Skip for me.
For me, it’s the 90s version of Little Women where Beth dies.
(That sounds wrong. Beth dies in all versions of Little Women. I meant the scene where she dies.)
Oh, you just got me excited thinking there was an alternative version I could watch where Beth doesn’t die.
LOL
getting off SSRIs does it for some people
It’s been 25+ years since I took one. But perhaps good advice for others.
Yep, this did it for me! Obviously not a safe answer for everyone and maybe not applicable to this poster. But do be aware that SSRIs can blunt both positive and negative emotions.
Very specific to me:
Alex the Gray Parrot’s last words (“you be good. I love you”)
That anglerfish who floated up to the surface recently
Netflix documentary about service dogs in training (no dogs die)
Great British Baking Show finale episodes
The 1995 version of A Little Princess
Oh, I own that book – Alex and Me – but never read it.
Onions.
Watch My Girl.
Singing along to sad 90s country songs like “how can I help you to say goodbye”
Holes in the Floor of Heaven is another one that’ll do it.
Homeward Bound ending.
The Notebook gets me every time… and I am one of those weirdos who thinks she would have had a great life with the lawyer guy too!
Chopin’s Nocturnes, one after another, in a dark room, does it for me.
Also
The short film The Snowman;
The book Everything Sad Is Untrue (though I was laughing out loud throughout!); and
Children’s hospitals.
Chopin! Yes! Just read his life story first, then listen.
Have something cheerful ready for afterwards.
WWYD?
Neighbors recently divorced. Ex-husband kept the house. They have young children together. The ex-wife wrote a letter stating that she is interested in purchasing our house. Basically, name the price and she will buy it. She really wants to be close to her old house for logistical reasons with the kids and she really loves what we have done to our home. Realistically, my family and I plan to move in the next few years since we are quickly outgrowing our home. Ultimately, I don’t think we would take her up on the offer. The thought of having to look for a new home, move, etc… is just not on our radar right now for many reasons. Maybe in a few years, but not right now. But…maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss this opportunity?
Did she approach you directly, or is this a letter that went out to most of the neighborhood? I wouldn’t change your timeline as a favor to your neighbor, but you could absolutely tell her you’re not ready to leave now, but will let her know first when you’re ready to sell.
OP here- it was just to us, no other neighbors got it!
Girl, if she’ll pay $100k+ over listing, I’d do this in a heartbeat.
By listing, I mean market value. It’s Friday.
Same. Worth it!
If she needs a mortgage, that may not work. Banks don’t like to lend more than 80% of market value.
Then she shouldn’t be saying “name your price”!
Agree but I’d assume “I can’t get a mortgage at the agreed upon price” could come up as a negotiation tactic down the road.
If you’re anticipating moving in a couple of years, it might not be a bad idea to entertain the offer.
There can be a lot of benefits to selling a home directly to the next buyer if done carefully. We purchased our current home from my in-laws, we used lawyers (instead of realtors) & a title management firm to handle our closing but in our case, our direct sale helped my In-Laws avoid about $75k in realtor commission & fees.
In my SEUS city, there is very little inventory (combo of high growth and no one with a 3% mortgage ever going to sell). I could sell my house, but if I could find something else, I’d likely pay an inflated price and have to get a new mortgage at 7%. No bueno.
This. Everyone in my neighborhood is remodeling and doing additions because it’s way cheaper than moving with interest rates the way they are. if you’re planning to relocate, that’s one thing. but if you’re just planning to move locally, take a hard look at inventory and what your new monthly payment would be in the price range you’re looking. We decided to stay put and make our smallish house work a couple years ago when we realized moving to anything worth moving for would triple our monthly payments.
Maybe not 7%. We are refinancing and have locked in 4.875%. We paid some points to buy it down, but even with 0 points, it would have been 5.375% for a 10 yr fixed. This is through a local credit union.
I think it’s worth thinking about what is possible for you and having a conversation with her. If you theoretically would move in 3 years, why not accelerate that to 1? As someone who is trying to think about getting a house ready to sell and househunting next spring, it would be amazing to not have to worry about the first part. Especially if she will name your price. Where do you think you will go and what will you need to make that happen? Does saving real estate agent fees make a difference for you?
If it were me, I would tell her a price that is 20-25% over what you could reasonably expect to sell it for otherwise. If she says yes, take it and run. Otherwise, I wouldn’t find it worth it to uproot my life.
I would think of what number would make it worthwhile for you to move and deal with those hassles. That’s the number you name.
Realistically, the only way this would make sense is if you can rebuy something as good or better for significantly less than ex wife is going to offer.
I’d hire a realtor to handle figure out pricing, ensure you’d be able to buy something similar and importantly, so that you’re not haggling with the ex wife directly.
Depends on when you bought your house and the mortgage rate you have now, availability of a better house. I’d at least entertain it and talk to her unless you’ve got too good a deal to pass up, which I’m guessing if you did you wouldn’t be asking.
What do realtors charge in your area? A direct sale saves you that fee and you can have an attorney review the sales contract on an hourly rate, not a percentage of the sales price.
Talk to me about home defense. I have a home security system, but what do I do if this doesn’t deter the intruders? Use mace and hope for the best?
I am sorry you live somewhere that you are thinking about this. My sister had a “panic bracelet” and keychain mace when she lived in a dicey area and often was out alone at night. I’d start there. Also think of how to make a quick exit and where to go once you do. People always like to think of firearms for home defense, but statistically they’re just as likely to be used against you, especially if you’re inexperienced.
From everything I’ve seen, crooks don’t break in when you’re likely to be home and resist. Or if there is a dog. UNLESS you are (or live near and they get the address wrong) somehow in the life and are known to have lots of guns, drugs, or cash inside. If that is you, then don’t be. And if that’s not you or your neighbors, dog, then shotgun. I’d use hornet spray (the 20+ foot range ones are very high velocity of oily chemicals) over mace.
This is probably true of the pros who rob well off people, but it doesn’t seem to be true of people who are acting more impulsively. I know way too many people who were very much home for medicine cabinet raider / TV heist break-ins, including one guy with some big dogs incredibly.
I’d still rather have a dog than not have one.
This is why people own guns.
Yep.
Having a barky dog is way safer than owning a gun.
You can own both.
People don’t routinely accidentally (or intentionally) off themselves or a loved one with a barky dog. And that is statistically the most likely outcome of gun ownership. “Good guy with a gun” is a fantasy.
One of my distant relatives had a lame “security provided by Smith & Wesson” sign on his house, and he absolutely got burgled. The gun was stolen, along with his electronics.
https://time.com/6183881/gun-ownership-risks-at-home/
Pit bulls kill family every year, actually. I’d never let one in my home. I’d never allow a gun in either.
This sounds horrifying. Is moving to a safer area an option? Have there been a lot of home intrusions in your area lately? Are the intruders trying to steal stuff or harm the occupants? What do the local police advise?
You think this doesn’t happen in safer areas?
I think crimes rates including break-ins vary a lot by neighborhood (is this controversial?)
Ok…so OP moves to a safer neighborhood…and then does what if an intruder comes in her home?
Nope. I think home invasions in safe neighborhoods are vanishingly rare
But not implausible, so what does one do when it happens?
@7:52, what are you fighting so hard about? There are lots of suggestions in this thread, and moving to a safer area, or planning to do so, is a reasonable addition to the other great suggestions here.
Wow. We live in a “safe” (mostly SFH row houses that go between $650K and $2M depending on size and amenities) neighborhood in Center City Philly. Have there been any breakins on our block in the decade we’ve lived here? No. Do we have a security system and also mace in the bedroom just in case? Yes. (I’ve heard that wasp spray is effective since it’s designed to reach the nest from a good distance…)
What?!
I don’t know why you are getting incredulous reactions. It is a reasonable topic to think about in these times. I grew up in a safe city neighborhood and recall at least a half dozen break-ins on my block.
I own weapons that I know how to use. They are secured in a hidden safe. I also have POM spray in several places throughout the home including my bedside. I have deadbolts on my office and bedroom doors, to slow down a potential intruder. I will probably install a Ring system this year. When my work allows, I will get at least one dog. I’d love to take self defense classes but I just don’t have the time yet.
Oh and I just bought this for my bedroom and plan to install:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BFM97FR3?ref_=ppx_hzsearch_conn_dt_b_fed_asin_title_1
Have you taken a self defense class?
Thought you all would appreciate an update. I’m the one who posted a couple weeks ago or so (honestly who can remember) about wanting to be friends with the owner of my DD’s OT practice. (The owner was never the person actually working with my daughter, so it didn’t feel like a conflict of interest or a boundaries issue to me, but to some commenters it skirted the line.)
My DD’s last session was last weekend and she had a beautiful sendoff and we all said goodbye. A couple days later, I texted the owner and thanked her again and made a non-specific offer to get a drink together. She wrote back a few hours later with a very warm response…and yet did not directly reply to the drink offer. So that’s that! I’m not pushing it. But I’m not mad I tried to convert her into a friend :)
Thanks for the update Making friends as an adult is different and good for you for reaching out and trying
Short version of my question: if you’re happily partnered, how do you deal with a crush on someone else?
Long version: I’m married. We’re relatively happy. We still garden and it’s still mostly great. But we’re 15 years into things and I’m perimenopausal and I suddenly (nearly a year now) can’t stop thinking about gardening with other people.
I recently met a person who also appears to be happily married and I cannot stop thinking about them romantically. Like — I haven’t felt this way since my 20s. It’s destabilizing! It’s fun! It sucks! It’s all of the things. I feel like a teenager again.
For the first time I understand the impetus for open marriages.
However, I am not IN an open marriage. How do I get over this all-consuming crush??
I don’t think therapy is helpful for everything, but some kind of therapy seems like it could be helpful here. (“Relatively” happy? “Mostly” great?)
How do your paths cross with this new person? I’ve had crushes on coworkers before, but luckily it would have been so wildly inappropriate and logistically difficult to act on them, it was not even tempting. However, the easiest way to get over a crush is just avoid contact, so coworkers are tricky in that respect.
What attracts you to this person? physical appearance? sense of humor? quick wit? Presumably your partner has some attractive qualities too, you just may not get a chance to see them so much in mundane everyday life, so making life less mundane might also help. go out for dinner or drinks and agree not to talk about boring life stuff. or see how your partner feels about an open relationship?
Eliminate contact with this person. Also, tell your spouse about the crush.
Why would you tell your spouse? I feel like this is one of those things that is possibly cathartic for the teller, but hurtful to the person being told. I would *never* tell my husband about a current crush, I might tell him years later that I had such a silly crush on so-and-so for a month, but probably not even that.
Eliminate contact yes, tell your spouse no!!!
Op- Try to figure out what kind of longing these feelings tells you
? what are you missing? and then try to figure out how to find that in your life without acting on the crush.
Absolutely not. Some secrets are so dumb you keep them to yourself.
Give it three weeks and some avoidance of the other person. Imagine them sitting on the toilet, not just your fantasy scenarios.
Start gardening more with current spouse
Try something new in or out of that arena with current spouse
Pick up a new hobby or dive into researching something you love
Do not respond to the crush, never reach out to crush
For 30 days focus on the best qualities about your partner – see them in a new light, if you can. Also maybe invest in some self love products for you (ok to use in shower or come home from work an hour early if that feels weird with spouse)
This!
Also it’s not uncommon but you’ll get over it.
Please don’t throw away your life for a mid life crisis crush. Just buy a car/handbag
Hello fellow posters,
Hoping for some similar experiences or advice. I am currently stuck internationally following a random spontaneous pneumothorax (collapsed lung) at 43! Apparently it’s something that happens at a much younger age in men. CT scans and X-rays show a retained 20% collapse. I had received a chest tube drainage a few weeks back and the situation seems stable but not resolved. Answer is now to travel home with a chest tube and will likely be cooking at a surgery. Has anyone had experience flying with a chest tube and encountered any issues? Also any experience with a similar issue and specifically VATS surgery? (Recovery, down time, pain etc).
I’m sorry you’re going through this! In case no one here happens to have experience, maybe this already occurred to you (but maybe not given that you’re stuck internationally and preparing for a flight with a chest tube!), but this is one of the few (only?) places where Facebook is still not a waste of time; there are several groups for this. I don’t know which is the “good” group, but with thousands of members I would hope that you’d be able to search past discussions and hopefully find something relevant or have better odds of helpful replies to a question posted now.
Great tip thank you!
What shoes have the softest leather upper and smoothest inside material?