Coffee Break: Laptop Cooling Pad

139 Comments

1. Hello, I am looking for recommendations for an interview coach (or possibly a career coach?). A family member was laid off from a large organization last year and has struggled to find a new position. Wants to fine tune interview skills and better strategize for interviews. Industry is Healthcare Administration and is currently located in Philadelphia. Anyone worked with anyone in the past or have a recommendation? Thanks!!

   1. Not the resource you need. But just a suggestion that HFMA has a lot of career resources for those in the industry and the events offer great networking.

2. I saw someone on social media talking about how, in her late 40s, she felt like she was too old for a new job (and had been unemployed a year). I feel like this! I never thought I’d feel like my working life was over by my late 40s when retirement doesn’t usually start until mid 60s. Feels like I have a 15-year scramble ahead of me.

   1. I think this is a really sad and self-limiting way to look at yourself. Late forties is not “old” or “too old.” I don’t think of myself as done with or incapable of trying new things at 51.

      1. I don’t feel too old for new things, but I perceive that hiring managers think anyone over 40 is too old.

         1. That’s what the ADEA is for! But yeah, there is a law because there is a problem. I hope there are hiring managers out there who see value in experience.

      2. Super self limiting. And maybe self actualizing if you’re someone who decides to go grey and never update your wardrobe.

         1. I had my kids in my early 40s, leaned out until my early 50s, and have been promoted 4 times in the dozen years since. Did I mention that I decided to get grey with Covid, and two of the promotions have been after that?

            1. Exceptions don’t mean the rule is invalid.

         2. Grey hair is not as limiting as some commenters seem to believe. Some people can exude liveliness and competence no matter their hair color.

            And honestly, most people’s hair looks bad, whether they color it or not, because it doesn’t match the personality.

            1. I notice when the hairstyle is bad more than I ever notice the color. By “bad,” I mean outdated in a very obvious way or doesn’t work with the person’s hair texture, which can change over time.

         3. Uh, what?

            I agree that it’s WAY too early to give up on career growth in your 40s, but I also feel somewhat exhausted by the idea that I have to do this for 20 more years, give or take.

   2. I’m almost 40 and mentally I still feel 20. Physically, maybe not as much, but I always think of myself as young.

      1. same.

      2. Almost 40 is very different than late 40s, I think. A lot happens in those mid-40s years, I’m learning.

   3. My husband got laid off at 48 and got a new job. I got laid off at 54 and got a new job. Both of us got hired within a matter of a few months. I’m sure luck was involved, but it’s just not true that someone over 45 is unhireable.

      1. Interesting. I read that as if the person OP is talking about is TIRED rather than unhirable.

   4. My husband is entering retirement but I have another decade of work before me due to an age gap. It’s a weird time. On one hand I’m feeling old and on the other hand change is a fresh start & we’re always reinventing ourselves (seems unavoidable).

   5. There are plenty of people who find new jobs in their late 40s. But, I can completely understand the feeling on now wanting to pay your dues over again in a new job.

      1. *feeling of not wanting

   6. OP here – sorry to be unclear, I don’t mean I’m too tired for work, just that if I were to get fired I feel like it would be an uphill battle to get a new job, especially if I wanted a different field. Like I feel like I’m still young enough to start something new and have 20 years with it, but a hiring manager would disagree.

      1. Are you borrowing trouble?

      2. Is that a comment on the current job market? If so, fair!

         Is it a comment on not wanting to pivot your career into a different role? Not fair, since all roles change over time as the world changes.

   7. Being unemployed in your late forties or mid fifties is a lot different than being employed and deciding you’re too old to do it.

      It’s very, very hard to find a new job when you’re unemployed, much less an older woman who is unemployed. Ask me how I know!

      After a layoff at age 55, I pivoted and tried something new. I’m very happy with it. But it wasn’t easy, and I’m glad I now at age 60 have the flexibility a lifetime of being a good saver has given me.

      1. What are you doing now?

         1. Consulting.

            1. So, no benefits?

            2. Nope. But I charge enough to buy my own.

      2. I’m trying to do this (CFO services as a former finance director and FP&A director) and am really struggling to find clients. How did you do this??

   8. Having just done first interviews after 19 years at the same firm I can say even at 51 it’s weirdly energizing. Do it! It may end up being just what’s needed!

   9. I hear you. The job search looks way different when you hit late 40s and up. I’m 51 now but my current gig (two years) and one prior (two years) were some of the toughest searches and interviews I’ve been through. Ageism is real even though you’re going to hear a lot of anecdotes trying to discount it. We wouldn’t have laws like we do otherwise. There’s also a numbers game of the more senior you get, the fewer senior-level positions there are compared with earlier roles.

      Try to focus on the positive: Your network is likely bigger and stronger at this career point, so lean in there. And don’t be too set on what title or salary there is, especially if it’s relatively close, especially if there’s stability. Perceived stability becomes a significantly more important factor when evaluating the desirability of a position.

      Brush up on all the things (like anyone should) with modern job hunting — get assistance with keyword loading, formatting for AI scans with HR, etc. Practice STAR interviews since you’ll have way more experience to draw from, it can actually take more effort to be thoughtful about what you do and don’t draw from when interviewing. And, yes, do what you can to look younger in a way that is comfortable for you. Fair or not, things that make you appear older are not helpful when playing with a biased system. I’d approach gray hair, overly formal dress or other “tells” the same way I would someone who hides tattoos or the like–it’s playing the game until you get the position and then you can be comfortable being you again. Give yourself every advantage you can.

3. Can I get a little pep talk? I had a crown pop off today. It’s not an old crown, and it looks fully intact, so I’m hoping it can just be re-cemented. Any time I have a dental issue, I get so down on myself though. Like, I feel like my teeth will never truly be okay. There’s always some issue (old filling needing to be replaced, etc.). I get regular dental care, I can afford the dental work, but it just never ends. I’m a successful professional, but this stuff makes me feel so trashy. I look around at all the professional women in my circle, and they seem to have these perfect teeth.

   1. That’s just part of being a human being with a body.

      1. +1. If it makes you feel any better in a ‘misery loves company’ kind of way I was diagnosed with MS in my 20’s, struggle with migraines, my energy levels are wildly variable, and perimenopause is currently kicking my behind. Oh, and I got a major breakout of perorial dermatitis while on a work trip because I forgot my specialty toothpaste. Showing up on the last day with a big whitehead on the corner of my mouth was fun.
         I promise you every human has something uncomfortable going on with their body and if they don’t now they will in the future.

   2. I have multiple dentists in my family and they all need plenty of dental work themselves. I used to work in a dental office and for some people it’s just genetics- no matter how good your hygiene and diet are your body chemistry just makes you more prone to issues.

   3. The pep talk is that dental care is totally normal, and needing to see a dentist for all kinds of things is totally normal!

      The question is: What’s fueling so much discouragement, comparison, and self-judgment about dental needs?

      No need to answer that question publicly for us, but it would be good to answer it for yourself—if you don’t already know. That way you could go to work doing some reframing about all this so that this part of your life gets easier.

      1. Honestly, I don’t know the answer to that. I generally don’t see this kind of anxiety in other areas of my life. I also don’t think negative things about friends or acquaintances. Would it be crazy to book a couple of therapy sessions just to deal with this issue?

         1. No, it’s not crazy. If only to learn some skills in how to understand how to reframe. You can then apply the same skills to other areas of life.

            Another question (for you to answer for yourself): Was there something in your family background or your personal story that made teeth an issue? Examples: your family didn’t have money for the dentist or didn’t value it, and you thought that was normal until you got to junior high and were surrounded by kids with perfect teeth; then you got super embarrassed about your own. Or one kid in 3rd grade made a comment about your teeth, and you reacted with a flood of shame, and it’s still with you (no, that’s not a proportionate reaction, but stuff like that happens). Or your mom / dad hated her / his teeth, and you grew up with Lots of Emotions around dental work / teeth. Or your mom/ dad was frustrated about all the dental work you needed and the time/money it took to take you to the dentist, and you grew up feeling guilty and “bad” about how bad your teeth were.

   4. I hear you. I was honest with the crown work I needed earlier this year and was heartened to know that most of my colleagues had the same old dental stuff themselves. We’re all falling apart! :o)

   5. I think it’s totally normal to feel this way. When you have issues with your teeth, you can feel it constantly as a reminder (since you are eating/drinking/talking) and it can also be a cosmetic issue that causes insecurity.

      I also agree that it feels like everyone has perfect teeth – I’m probably one of the last birth years where you didn’t automatically get braces as a kid. People’s teeth are straighter as a result and also teeth whitening has become very popular.

      Anyway, so many issues with teeth come down to genetics. It’s not a personal failing – try to be gentle on yourself and remind yourself that you are doing a great job staying on top of caring for your teeth, getting dental work, etc.

   6. We are a spoiled generation with much better dental preventive and treatment options than were available even in my (57 years) youth!

      Used to be people often had crowns or even dentures at fairly young ages. I had cavities all the time as a kid and I brushed diligently and didn’t eat much candy. Had to have all those fillings replaced and have a couple of crowns. I don’t know why I should feel “trashy” about that.

      I also pulled off a crown because I ate a gummy bear. It was all fine, they just glued it back on. And no one said anything about it being my fault, these things just happen sometimes.

   7. From a health anxiety sufferer and someone with dental ptsd – please dont feel like its silly or beat yourself up over struggling with this or having these feelings!

      Definitely reach out to a theraist for a few sessions if you think tht will help!

      Also talk to your dentist. Tell them if youre anxious, afraid, worried etc before your appointments. A combination of a low dose sedative and a patient dentist makes dental work managable for me. (I get so anxious that the regular numbing process doesnt work)

   8. I think you are under a delusion that people around you have perfect teeth.

      Many of the “successful professionals” around you cap/crown/bleach/nip and tuck them every which way. So whenever I see “perfect” teeth, I actually assume they had a lot of dental issues to fix!

      Aging, genetics, bad luck, other environmental variables are huge when it comes to dental stuff.

      Two relevant examples from my family.

      One relative had terrible teeth and gums mid-life. Had to go to the dentist every 3 months. Then she started hormone replacement therapy, and it all went away.

      My brother was at a dentist appointment complaining about the color of his teeth and asked if they could be fixed. The dentist looked at him, a bit exasperated and said….. “But they are the color of TEETH!!!”

      We are so used to seeing these unnatural bleached/fixed/fake teeth in the media and in the wealthy that we don’t even know what natural teeth and a normal face look like anymore.

   9. I really really understand, because I feel the same. For some reason unclear to me, having dental work brings a strange hint of shame. I take care of my teeth and can afford the work. But I am not comfortable taking about it. It is completely normal to me to talk about needing glasses because my eyes are getting older but teeth, no so much

      1. Thanks for the sharing. It’s nice to feel like it’s not just me.

   10. It helps me to watch British actors. Their teeth are so different than Americans!

       1. As a Brit, I refuse to get my teeth straightened, much as Barbara Streisand refused to get her nose done. It’s not causing health issues, and a slight yellow tinge is natural. They’re all mine, zero cavities although I’d have fillings if needed.

          Really I genuinely don’t understand the desire for perfect teeth. However, you do you and if you want better teeth, go to another dentist for a second opinion.

4. Oh, I need this! I want to work outside but my laptop and phone shut down when they get hot.

5. Random question – if you stop by a gas station with a mechanic shop, can you ask them to check tires and put in air as needed? I realize most things are appointment but are small things like this more walk in?

   Also do they charge for this or do you just tip? I’m happy to pay just want to make sure I don’t stiff someone who helps me out and then says no charge – how much would I tip?

   1. You should 100% learn how to put air in your own tires, or buy your tires at costco, who does this sort of maintenance for free.

      I’d expect to pay 20-50$ for someone else to do so, but it’s so simple.

   2. No, I don’t think so. They’re not going to just stop what they’re doing to service your car. Make an appointment.

   3. I don’t know the answer to your question.

      But there are several tire stores in my area (I live in the suburbs) that offer free tire checks/top ups. They have a separate line for it.

   4. Almost every gas station has an air pump. You can easily add air yourself.

      1. I see you haven’t encountered the air pumps in my town. All are pay now, which is fine. I used to put any quarters I had in the console for this purpose. But they have switched to glitchy card readers. Assuming you manage that, the hose may or may not put air in your tire. I just go to the tire shop and wait for someone to have a moment to air them for me.

         1. At least in my state, air has to be provided for free. Is that not a federal law?

            1. Nope.

   5. You can stop in but they may not be able to take you right away. Our local oil change place/inspection will do tires/air for a nominal fee ($20?) on a walk in basis. Midday after the morning rush seems to be the slowest time (9:30/10am).

   6. Is there any reason you wouldn’t do this for yourself? Many gas stations have a self-service tire filling station (often on the edge of the building or parking lot). Some are free, some you have to pay for. There are instructions at the station / on the machine and it’s very straightforward. Hopefully for an elderly individual a station attendant would help but it might be a little weird to ask for help otherwise.

      1. The air machines at gas stations are always broken. I finally gave up and bought a little air compressor that runs off the car outlet. You can only top off two tires before you have to let it cool off, but it’s better than nothing.

   7. depends on station and how crowded they are but there is one by me and i tip $5- $10.

   8. I got tired of doing this so I bought an air compressor from Walmart for $45 and I refill my tires myself. You set the pressure and it automatically shuts off when done. It’s just incredibly easy and I don’t have to ask at the service station or carry quarters for their dumb air machines.

      If you still don’t want to do it yourself, schedule an oil change and ask them to also check the tires. They won’t charge extra.

      1. Not to start up again but my husband does this for our cars and it looks very easy. I’d 10/10 recommend this over the gas station air pumps.

      2. My dad loved his air compressor. I have strong memories of still being in bed on a warm summer morning and hearing the chk-chk-chk of his air compressor. He’d air up the tires on all the vehicles and on our bicycles, and use the compressed air to dust external windowsills and blow away cobwebs.

         I finally got my husband an air compressor as a gift, because he’s a working on cars guy, and now I get that familiar chk-chk-chk experience again! They’re a great thing to have around if you have the room.

         1. Awww . . . I love that sound!!

            1. Me too!

      3. Same, I have a rechargeable portable air compressor which is technically for a bike but it works great in a pinch and saved me the hassle of figuring out the new pay systems at the gas station.

   9. I’d stop by a tire shop. They probably offer this for something like $10 at most tire shops. I’ve had them do it for free but I try to pay. It helps that I got my current tires from them.

   10. I once went to a gas station and mechanic station (when it wasn’t busy) and asked if someone would teach me how to check my tires and put air in them. The gentleman was incredibly generous and kind and he refused any payment, including a tip. So I told him I’d make sure to bring my car to his shop, and I’ve followed through on that. YMMV.

   11. Buy an air pump for your car. Best money I ever spent. The indicator is bigger and super easy to read and more reliable (I could never figure out the free air places and felt like everyone was staring at me while I was squinting and futzing around with it and could never seem to get the same read twice). And having a pump in your car means you’ll be able to add air wherever you need to (in the comfort of a climate controlled parking structure vs. the snowy or dirty ground at a gas station). With run flat tires being more prone to losing air, I think it’s kind of a necessity these days to keep one in your trunk. I just stick it into the cigarette lighter, turn it on and watch as the number on the pump hits where it needs to be, and then I’m on my way.

   12. Yes they will do that. An auto parts shop will to usually.

       But adding air to tires is very easy. Everyone should own an air compressor because you might get a slow leak in an inconvenient place. They now have them with the gauge built in. Your car manual will tell you the ideal pressure. Unscrew the valve stem cap, attach the air compressor, and let it run until the gauge is the right reading.

   13. You can get a little air pump with a pressure gauge included. Mine is smaller than 6″x6″x4, plugs into my cigarette lighter, and lets check and fill my tires in just a few minutes whenever and wherever I want. As a bonus, it can save you from having to be towed if you have a leaky tire (depending on the speed of the leak, of course).

   14. Probably not, or at least not quickly. I might ask if I were in a bind and couldn’t do it myself for some reason, like I have a sprained wrist or I’m heavily pregnant.

       I empathize with you about hating to put air in my tires, though. I hated it even more when my go-to free air spot removed its air machine. I managed to find another one but there’s always a long line when I need it — usually the first cold snap in the winter. My solution is to plan my oil change schedule so I’m due in mid-December. They have no problem filling the tires when they’re servicing the car anyway.

   15. The honest answer is yes, if you’re good looking! Definitely tip, and better still, watch them do it so you can do it yourself next time. There’s YouTube videos for this, search for your car and they’ll show you how to know the proper air pressure. If you use one of the coin operated machines in a garage forecourt, you type in the air pressure you want (written on the edge of your tires, ask the mechanic to show you) and then just attach the nozzle to the tire and wait for it to beep which means it’s the right pressure. Then screw the cap back on and go to the next tire.

       Don’t ask me to change my own tire; did it once and it was super stressful!

6. AITAH? In my fiance’s culture, you have a sit-down dinner with both sets of parents for the groom’s family to formally ask the bride for her hand. We are having this dinner Saturday night. My mom, dad, stepdad, and stepmom are all invited on my side. My brother is no-contact with my dad, and I guess my mom and stepdad invited him as well. My fiance told me yesterday that my mom told him, “OP’s brother will not be coming because her dad is coming. Can we do a different dinner in addition, where her dad isn’t present, so that her brother can come?” Today, my stepdad and I were briefly talking about something else, and he said “If your dad is coming to the dinner, your brother won’t come.” I replied, “Of course my father is coming to my proposal dinner.” To which he responded, “If your dad’s coming, I give it 20% chance your brother comes. He’s really not ready to see your dad.” I said there was a reservation fee per head, so he couldn’t really decide at the last minute, to which my stepdad said he’d pay the reservation fee.

   Here’s where I feel like an AH: I texted my mom to ask her to please stop badmouthing my father. She has only ever spoken negatively about him my entire life, and it’s led to my stepdad feeling comfortable badmouthing him to me as well. Things like “He didn’t text me back when I was coming to pick you up – I was ready to punch him in the face if I saw him” or “Your dad is a keep-his-head-down kind of a guy.” My dad is an incredible man who has dedicated his life to public service, and has made tremendous change in his personal life since he was married to my mom 25+ years ago. Both my mom and my brother think of him as the older version of himself (he was very depressed during their marriage and had resulting anger issues, which he’s done a lot of self-work to change). He is now probably the most gentle and kind-hearted guy you could ever meet, but they still speak of him as though he’s the person they knew decades ago.

   I feel guilty asking my mom to police how she speaks about him, but I just got triggered hearing “Your brother won’t come if your father’s coming” twice from different people. I wish she hadn’t said it to my fiance, and I wish my stepdad hadn’t said it to me. My brother also has a history of pretty severe mental illness, and is no contact with the majority of our extended family (he was no contact with me until overlap with my mom made it too difficult to maintain, and now treats me normally).

   1. Sorry for the ramble – the question is AITAH for asking my mom to stop badmouthing my dad or to not bring up my brother’s no-contact stance around his response to this dinner?

      1. But literally what should she say. That is why he isn’t coming.

         1. But I didn’t invite him. They did. And then framed it as, “If your dad is coming, he won’t come,” when of course my dad is coming, and I never invited my brother.

      2. Your mom is the AH for inviting your brother to the dinner in the first place – why would she do that if it’s just for parents?

         1. I think she and my stepdad wanted him to come. But we don’t really have a relationship, since he’s ghosted me for long stretches over the last 5 years.

         2. This. They invited him and then further expected you to univite your father so your brother would be comfortable showing up.

            1. OP here – yes exactly. This is what bothered me. They didn’t ask me to un-invite my dad, but implied my brother would only come if my dad didn’t, when I hadn’t invited my brother.

            2. So they are the manipulative jerks, not you.

   2. NTA. Your mom and stepdad are TA here.

   3. NTAH. I think you can say “Please stop trashing my father. I have a good relationship with him.” You can also say, “Yes I know my brother isn’t coming. I want my parents at dinner.” The end.

      1. Thank you, this is really helpful.

   4. I don’t think your request to your mom is out of line. I’d ignore anything to do with your brother.

      mom: your brother won’t come if your dad is there
      you: ok

      stepdad: 20% chance your brother shows up if your dad is there
      you: ok

      stepdad: I want to punch your dad
      you: that’s inappropriate and I don’t know why you would say that to me

      1. Thank you, this is really helpful as a response.

   5. Is your brother older? Was there abuse? Anger tends to mean violence

      1. No physical abuse, just lots of getting overwhelmed/stressed and yelling. We both experienced it, but he is ten years older so it was a longer period of his childhood. Our dad is extremely remorseful and would never invalidate brother’s feelings about it. Brother was in contact with him up until a few years ago, so 20 or so years after it really stopped happening, but then completely cut off contact with him (did so with me as well and the rest of our extended family).

         1. Emotional abuse is still abuse. Your brother being older and your rose colored glasses were very apparent from the way the original post was written. Has your dad done anything to make amends?

            1. OP here – Yes, of course emotional abuse is still abuse. My dad’s gone through twelve step and made amends with everyone in the family, but it’s totally my brother’s right to drop contact at whatever point and we would never question that.

            2. It’s okay for OP to have her own relationship with her dad. It’s normal for siblings to have very different experiences of imperfect parenting.

            3. Alcoholism too! So many missing missing reasons

            4. Sorry should have been clear – twelve step for Al-Anon, not alcoholism. He was the child of an alcoholic, but never drank himself.

   6. Why are you making drama over this? Your brother doesn’t want to come. That’s fine. Do not host a separate dinner. Do not tell your mom how to talk.

      1. This.

      2. My mom and stepdad reached out to my fiance directly to coordinate the separate dinner, and cited this as the reason, so I wasn’t really a part of the discussion. I feel weird about it though.

         I didn’t invite my brother, since we don’t really have a relationship currently, but my mom and stepdad did. I don’t care about him not coming, I just don’t like having it be framed to me and my fiance as “your brother won’t come since your dad will be there,” when I hadn’t even invited him.

         1. Let your fiance know that his response to them should always be, let me talk to OP about that.

            Cultures like the one you describe tend to be very deferential to parents. Let him know that does not apply for your boundary stomping mom and stepdad. Just because they ask him to do something does not mean he should do it.

      3. Agreed except that you get to tell your mother (and anyone else) how they talk to you. Your mom, brother, and stepfather are entitled to their opinions about your dad and to express those opinions to each other. What you CAN say is that you will not listen to them badmouth your father.

         Also, it was very rude of them to invite someone else to your dinner and then make demands to accommodate that person. You can honestly respond that you understand he will not come – that is why you did not invite him in the first place.

         1. Yeah I obviously don’t care how they talk about him to each other. My only request was to not speak about him that way to me. Like to not imply I un-invite him for my brother’s sake, when my brother and I don’t have a relationship. Or to not say “I wanted to punch him in the face” over something honestly very small.

   7. There’s a lot of emphasis in weddings to have a perfect family, that’s all happy and excited and willing to go along for your sake and photographs well, instead of the one you have. How much pressure are you putting on yourself and on your to have this dinner go perfectly? I can guarantee if this dinner didn’t happen, or if you only invited your mother, or only invited your father, you’d still be able to get married and the quality of your marriage would not be affected by how this dinner went.

      Asking your mother and your brother to come to a dinner with your dad may be asking too much – it would be great if everyone would get along, but they won’t, and you’ll be happier if you don’t turn yourself inside out to push them to get along for you.

      1. So honestly, I don’t really care about the engagement dinner going perfectly, and I’d be happy to get married at city hall. I didn’t invite my brother, since we don’t have a relationship really, and I am totally fine with him not coming if he doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s more that I don’t want to have family drama cast over the event, with the implication being that I could un-invite my dad in order for my brother to come.

         1. You have my complete blessing to tell everyone you know, “oh this works for me thanks” for the foreseeable future. (with a followup “please drop it” if necessary)

   8. NTA, but I’m wondering what cultures still do this kind of dinner

      1. Arab cultures

      2. Certain branches of hinduism

      3. Maybe wonder somewhere else with Google than trying to start attacking someone’s culture like this here when she’s asking for help?

         1. There was no attack. Chill out. People post dumb questions here all the time.

         2. How is this an attack on the culture?

   9. Can you have a discussion with your brother about the wedding (not through all the intermediaries)? We have a similar situation in my extended family and approach it as the person who has gone no contact can be happy about the wedding and happy for you. However, we also accept that he may decide to maintain his boundaries with your dad and other family members and not come to the wedding festivities. Let him know that it is ok if he skips out. (And, yeah, NTA on your mom – she is asking you to put your brother over your dad.)

      1. So this is the thing: I didn’t invite my brother. He is mostly no contact with me, and we don’t really have a relationship. My mom and stepdad invited him without asking me, and then came back saying “He won’t come if your father comes.”

         1. I would let me mom and stepdad know they were out of line, and to stop interfering in your life.

   10. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I’m divorced. My ex husband is high conflict. From speaking with others I’ve come to learn that when post divorce issues happen it’s because one parent is high conflict. It isn’t always the mother and it isn’t always the father. Your mother sounds high conflict and you sound understandably exhausted by it.

       As a mother whose children will most likely have to deal with this type of situation I strongly believe that post 18 the child getting married gets to invite who they want and everyone else has to deal with it. You suck it up and follow what the bride or groom have asked for. The only exception to this is you can’t expect a parent to pay for part of your wedding and not include them and their extended circle in the wedding invitation list.

7. I missed the traffic discussion this morning but I was a bit amused that an aversion to traffic was widely seen as anxiety and not just… an understandable aversion to something super unpleasant. I’m not necessarily talking about the OP’s dad, who is a self-professed trafficphobe. But I’m totally team, I will go to great lengths to avoid the inconvenience and frustration of traffic.

   I learned to drive in LA traffic. I’ve been in such bad traffic jams that people set up card games or play music on the freeway just to get out of the car. I’m good at driving in traffic. Most people are not. You have to be both defensive and offensive — follow the rules/etiquette like zippering merges (every other car goes) but don’t be so timid that you let everyone cut in line around you or block you from going where you should. I will get home sometimes hours earlier than friends who leave an event at the same time I do, simply because I’m a polite but firm driver.

   All that said, I hate it. I hate sitting for hours in the heat. I hate getting stuck between exits with no bathroom. I hate being stuck in one place unable to move around. I will do almost anything to avoid traffic. I don’t go to the beach on holidays weekends, and if I must then we’re leaving at 4 am. I won’t leave a concert or sportsball when it ends. If we have to be up early then we’re leaving early. Otherwise, we’re post-game tailgating for an hour or so with the extra snacks, drinks, and roll of tp (because you know the porta potties will be out) that I packed ahead of time. This is not anxiety. It is hatred of a thing worth hating!

   1. I think it’s the degree of the hatred. Everyone complains about traffic; most people are not avoiding things they’d otherwise enjoy because of the possibility of traffic.

      1. I think the point was you don’t have to avoid things you want to do–you can mitigate for the worst things.

   2. Same! I despise traffic when there are alternatives. I take a day off to go to the beach during on a weekday and will get up at 4 p.m. to get there and park by 8 a.m., leave by 11:30, and get back home before commuting traffic hits. This is the only way I will enjoy the few times a year I can go to the beach.

   3. LA traffic is a very different beast than literally anywhere else. I would avoid LA traffic like the plague but I’m fine battling NYC traffic.

      1. I grew up in LA and find NYC traffic worse.

         1. I’m a Bay Arean and I offer up the 880 commute.

   4. That’s all fine – traffic is something most people don’t enjoy and there are ways to mitigate it and still have fun adventures. It becomes an issue, though, if you do the following:

      – Miss out on the encore of your own child’s recital to a packed house because of traffic
      – Spend weeks dreading a family event because of traffic and planning it to death to avoid it
      – Inconveniencing others in your family because of traffic, including exploding your stress onto them when you’re in the car
      – Cancel plans completely because of anticipated (not actual) traffic
      – Talk about traffic a lot to anyone who will listen, including sharing traffic memories from vacations
      – Have over-the-top reactions to even minor increases in traffic when you’re on the road (driving in the breakdown lane, yelling, taking the nearest exit onto some dirt road that makes no sense with where you’re going, etc.)

      I say this as a person who will gladly get up early to avoid traffic and who does not attempt to drive to Tahoe from the Bay Area during peak traffic times. Traffic is a part of life but I can’t let it control me or stop me from seeing what the state of CA has to offer.

   5. I commented on that thread that I hate driving and stopped, no longer have a car. Honestly it’s improved my quality of life so much. I’ll always opt for not driving, it’s so weird to me that people don’t get it.

   6. It’s not the traffic that gets to me, it’s the search for parking once I’m there! Nothing rachets up my anxiety like spiraling through a parking garage. Now that I’m an adult my dad’s practice of parking a mile away from the stadium and marching us through downtown (at night) makes a little more sense.

8. Those of you who are single and childfree in your 40s, what does your social life look like? Do you live in a city, suburb, or rural area? How do you find a good balance of downtime and social time?

   1. I’m not very social, I joined an expensive gym with a pool, and I read a lot.

   2. I live in a city. I have a hobby I do 2-3 nights a week, where I see a lot of people who have become friends (some I hang out with outside the hobby some I don’t). I meet a group of friends for trivia another night most weeks (sometimes just a couple, other times many friends). I do find that unless there’s something special going on weekends can sometimes be hard—a lot of my friends are in couples and do couple-y stuff or house stuff on weekends, or are suburban now, and it’s hard to get together. But keeping busy during the week helps, and sometimes I welcome a chill weekend.

   3. Married but childfree and that age. City, and on our block are 5 other households of other 40-65yo childfree people, 2 single, 2 couples. All are varying degrees of social / large circle of acquaintances / busy after work, to more homebodies who will come out and chat a bit but then retreat. Those that are more social join more clubs (like canoeing, or squash, or a pool) and happy to meet up with casual friends for dinner etc.

   4. I live in a city and WFH. I’m an introvert, but I typically see friends weekly or every other week. Typical things like cocktails, lunch, or dinners. There isn’t much of a difference with friends who are partnered. But I’m also not dying to go to parties or anything either.

      I travel solo mostly because my friends aren’t interested or don’t have the same budget as me (even though I wouldn’t classify myself as a high budget traveler). I do a lot of concerts and plays and similar activities solo because again many of my friends aren’t interested in those things.

      The biggest gap is probably seeing friends who have kids because kids have their own expenses and schedules.

   5. The beauty is that it is almost all in my control, so finding the balance is easy to do. I probably have work travel once a month which includes some degree of social time, one family travel per month (think: nieces bday party or a holiday, my fam is relatively big and very close), at least one dedicated friend hangout per week and probably two events/classes/more formal activities per month (a concert, book reading whatever). Throw in dating (so varied depending- I just started actively dating again and that’s usually one per week or so) and my life feels quite full, even though I am home most nights.

      40s, urban.

   6. By the municipalities code, I live in a city but it is not a CITY or even a City. It’s a small town that’s not rural. My social life is a mix of hobbies, taking classes in new things, and cobbling together time with my coupled and kid-having friends. I am an early to bed person, so it’s rare I socialize outside of a hobby or class on a weeknight. I also travel solo a lot. It gets lonely sometimes, but I can usually find someone to hang out with even though it’s not the same as having a partner.

9. Does anyone want to recommend a new shampoo to me?

   I tried using sulfate free, but it didn’t lather well (had to use A LOT of it to get any lather) and my hair never felt quite clean.

   Now I’m using a regular drugstore shampoo, and my scalp is very itchy. Which I now recall is why I tried a sulfate free variety.

   Has anyone experienced this and resolved it? Which ingredient(s) should I be avoiding?

   PS no dandruff issues here

   1. sulfate free shampoos often don’t lather and aren’t meant to.

      But I know what you mean about not feeling quite clean. Unfortunately I also get irritated/itchy from SLS so I only use sulfate-free shampoos. The answer for me is to always shampoo twice. I use a medium-small amount of shampoo just on my scalp the first time, rinse, then do a slightly larger amount of shampoo and scrub all over the second time.

   2. See if you can try Kirkland Signature in the purple bottle. It’s sulfate free and lathers easily.

   3. I have a similar scalp – I don’t get actual dandruff but do get dry or itchy scalp with certain shampoos. These all work great for me, and my hair prefers a rotation: SexyHair Healthy Moisturizing Shampoo, Redken – using the color extend currently but All Soft is probably my favorite, The Body Shop Ginger or Banana – these are harder to find now, I don’t think they ship direct to US anymore.

10. Cannot believe the absolute mental disconnection for one of my clients unironically telling me that they don’t hold a grudge against anyone in one breath and then two minutes later calling their son’s ex-wife a b***h and an a*hole. This is going to be a long week.

    1. Haha, it could just be the truth and not a grudge

       1. Idk why but this response killed me 😂😂

11. Buy a small gauge (if you car doesn’t tell you the tire pressure in your system) and do it yourself. Wawa has free air, if you’re in a locale with Wawas. Quikchek is also reliable for air. This is 100% not something you need someone else to do (I fear they might laugh at you if you asked this at a repair shop).

    1. They will not laugh at you.

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