Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Linen-Blend Blouse
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Linen can be a little bit controversial when it comes to officewear. Is it too rumply-looking? Or is that just the summer vibe that we’re leaning into? While I would avoid wearing a full linen suit to court on a 95-degree day, I think linen can work in small doses in the right settings.
This cotton-linen blend blouse from H&M, for example, would look lovely paired with some crisp trousers or a pleated midi skirt. You’ll still get the benefits of the cool fabric without looking wrinkled all over.
The blouse is on sale for $20.99 at H&M (marked down from $24.99) and comes in sizes XXS-4XL. It also comes in white, light blue, and a light-blue stripe.
Sales of note for 5/23/25:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has begun! See our full roundup here. Lots of markdowns on AGL (50%!), Weitzman, Tumi, Frank & Eileen, Zella, Natori, Cole Haan, Boss, Theory, Reiss (coats), Vince, Eileen Fisher, Spanx, and Frame (denim and silk blouses)
- Nordstrom Rack – Extra 25% off all clearance (all sales final). Also — they have refurbished Dyson hairdryers down to $199-$240 (instead of $400+)
- Ann Taylor – 40% off + extra 15% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 25% off
- Boden – 25% off everything with code
- Eloquii – Steals starting at $19 + up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Summer kickoff event, up to 50% off 1000s of styles — and extra 50% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 70% off everything + extra 25% off $125+
- M.M.LaFleur – Memorial Day Weekend Sale, 30-50% off! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Rothy's – 30% off everything
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – 40% off one item and 30% off your purchase
What do you do with your old journals/diaries? I have maybe 5-6 notebooks with about 10-15 pages filled in in each one. If there were actually filled up, I might feel differently… Mostly from high school/college, and I read them back every time we have to move and cringe. Definitely, 100%, would not want my kids to read them lol. Am I going to regret tossing them later in life though?
Following along, I have this same question. Would never want anyone else to read them and have thought about burning them so many times, but hold onto them because I wonder if I may value reading them later in life.
Ditto. Drives my husband crazy– we’ve moved them many times– but I can’t quite bring myself to throw them away.
I would take photos of the pages, make the album private, and then toss. I’d only keep the physical copies if keeping a diary was really meaningful to you back then. I’ve kept mine but might downsize the more empty ones.
+1
“Am I going to regret” is a hard question. Because you can’t know, and it will keep you stuck. What about, instead, the question of “If I were to regret it, how strong would the regret be and what would I do with the feeling?” I’ve sometimes felt regret about getting rid of something, but it’s never stinging, intense remorse that haunts me. It’s usually more of a sense of “It would be nice if I had ___.” But I don’t. So I feel the regret, shrug, and move on.
Somehow we have the idea that feeling regret is the worse thing ever, and if there’s a potential for feeling it, that governs whether we keep something. Personally, I’ve made peace with the fact that I’ll probably feel some regret, but also have decided not to dwell on it or blame myself. I’m doing the best I can to make decent decisions with the info I have.
This is where I land. The act of writing the entry is where I find the most fulfillment. I usually re-read my more recent entries the next time I write and take a moment to reflect on how the feelings I experienced at the time of writing have since played out, but after a few months I tear out the older entries and shred them. They weren’t written for anyone else, and nothing of historical noteworthiness is documented within such that they need to be saved for future generations.
Keeping them in an attempt to relive the highs or stew over the lows just means I am stuck in the past and not living my current life.
I think you’ve probably absorbed what you were “supposed to” by reading them as an adult and reflecting and remembering. I’d let them go.
With this sort of stuff I enjoy the trip down memory lane, then toss. If I die, my kids will find and read it. If I don’t want that, in the trash it goes.
There are services that will digitize them for you, if you’re willing to pay a few bucks. I’d probably do that.
Your kids might love to read them when you’re dead and gone (and you might be okay for them to do so once they’re at that age where they view you as a complex human, not just Mom).
FWIW, in the last couple years of her life, my grandmother went through all her love letters from grandpa from WWII, all her old journals, and destroyed nearly all of them. When I expressed dismay, she rightly pointed out that they weren’t for us – they were between them as individuals or for herself, not for anyone else. I think she enjoyed going through them at the end.
I really like this comment. I kinda like the idea of keeping some of my journals and things for me to go through when I’m old, but I also toss a lot of things just for space purposes. Real estate and space costs a lot more now than it did when our grandparents were accumulating stuff.
Well, both of my grandparents lived in tenements, which were three family houses. Assuming that older generations had more space and it was cheaper is privileged and classist.
JFC the way people use “privileged” as a snarky comeback around here drives me out of my mind. It is rarely used correctly.
Agree with 10:57.
I think Anon @ 10:57 would benefit from reading Steven Pinker’s thoughtful editorial in the NYT today.
Destroy. Not just put in a trashcan, but tear out the pages and pour hot water on them. I hated all of my old journals and preferred destruction.
Lol, I keep all mine on a shelf in my closet, as if they’re books to pull out and read. The closet because, somewhat more private. But I love, love, love going back and rereading them. Patterns are patterning through the years, so looking back on my high school and college self, it’s like, oh. Going through a divorce and reading the early entries from our marriage, it’s like, oh. I personally enjoy it. If you’re not into that, toss them like you would an old English essay. If you regret it later, oh well. You make the best decision you can today.
Is your name Shauna? Did you play soccer in high school? Was there a plane crash?
I have destroyed mine, paper maculator.
You could choose a few pages and make a scrapbook, or keep a small container for mementos, but unless you have tons of extra space, it’s nice to use you space for the life you actually lead.
Funny story- I am 25 years out of high school. I liked high school! I had friends and a boyfriend and never spoke badly about my HS experience. A couple years ago I pulled out my yearbooks and realized in reading all the captions, comments, etc that I was sort of an outcast, or certainly not popular, but that there was like, a whole high school happening and I didn’t even realize it. I read things that were clearly inside jokes about big parties, drinking, relationships etc with all these kids I went to class with and I just…had no idea.
I can’t imagine what it would have been like to see all that happening on social media without me. These poor kids of today!
Kind of agree. I was not the cool kid in high school, but was like Switzerland — maintaining loose ties with many, trading favors here and there (braided hair for a lot of field hockey players who weren’t allowed to use barrettes), but did not party in high school (would have loved to, in a very mid way). I’m FB friends now with a sh*t-ton of people and while I don’t hang with them (and actually moved away right before college), it’s weird how vanilla and identical we are as 50ish people. I went to a few reunions and it was great and would go ahead.
Yeah, that’s how friend groups work. It doesn’t mean you were an outcast.
I have a friend who thinks everybody hated her in high school and it just wasn’t true. Nobody hated her, she wasn’t an outcast. She just wasn’t a part of every single friend group.
I worried 10 years ago that I would regret tossing my high school yearbooks, even though high school was very hard for me and I cringed looking at them. I ended up tossing them, and I never EVER think about them unless I see a post like this or someone brings up a high school yearbook, which is almost never. I don’t regret it at all, because that time in my life was a bit painful. If you cringe reading it, then maybe it’s time to toss. Agree with the other poster about taking photos and tossing.
Nope! I toss things that make me cringe!
My old middle/high school journals are buried deep in a memory tote in our basement storage where I do not have to think at all about them. :) Under no circumstances would I digitize them, because that would make me feel even more cringe about them.
Thank you everyone for the perspective. I think I will just toss almost all of them and scan a few pages of the fun stuff. I realized that most of it just makes me feel really sad for the girl that went through what I did, and I’ve really moved on and don’t need to hold onto it anymore.
I’m late to this thread, but one thing I think about is that there was a lot more to me as a teen than what I put down on the page, and I don’t want to almost bias my memory in favor of what was recorded in writing.
Isn’t that the truth! I’ve looked back at some old journals, and it was pages of angst — not because that was the whole of my life, but because that’s what I needed to express and process. There’s barely a hint of all the interesting things I was doing, the places I was going, and all my other interests.
First, you can combine them into one notebook, so it’s less bulk. If it’s embarrassing due to youth, I would still keep them. If there are things that you really want to remain private/take to your death, I would tear those pages out now and dispose of them. I feel very good several years later about destroying some very private entries versus the general embarrassment of seeing your thoughts on the page.
Saw this one going around again lately, and while it’s not unproblematic it felt relevant to some of the discussions here this week: https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/
I know I am trying to get some perspective outside of immediate stressors right now.
Thanks, it was nice to reread it and appears a good reminder.
*always a good reminder
Another car question – when buying from the dealer, how do you actually negotiate? So much of the advice out there seems unrealistic (“just threaten to walk and they’ll chop off a thousand!”) Are there any sensible guides out there for negotiating realistically? I’ve been hearing that (surprisingly), there are some deals to be had because dealerships are reacting to decreased consumer confidence due to the tariffs.
If it matters, we may consider paying cash, although if we could get 0% financing for a short time and just pay it off when that’s up, that could work too.
Always negotiate the price with no trade-in and no financing so you know the real cost. Then if you choose, add trade-in and/or financing to the deal so you know what you are really being offered. Get the Consumer Reports info for the exact model car you want so you will know dealer costs for the car plus any desired options (although sometimes manufacturer incentives will not be reflected). Do not fall in love with a car. Check out more rural dealers for better pricing.
We’ve been asked early in the process “will you be financing?” One time we said “probably not” and from the guy’s expression, I got the sense that he was going to make sure the price reflected what we said. Hard to parse a look, but how do you make sure they don’t just jack the price if you’re paying cash?
I always just say “I’d prefer to negotiate the price before we talk financing.” I don’t tell them we’re paying cash until after the price is in writing. I bought our last two cars from the same salesman, though, and I’m pretty sure he looked back at his notes from the first time and was assuming we’d pay cash again the second time.
My answer to that is always “if your financing is a good deal.” Talk to your credit union or lender before you get to the dealer so you have an idea on rates, but let the dealer run the numbers. Our last car, we planned to pay cash but the rate they offered was something like 1% so it actually made sense to finance.
I’ve had the best luck negotiating not just on price but on things like extended warranties or 2 years of free oil changes to get added for free.
Agree! My husband does this unless it’s a particular car he wants, not just a certain year make and model. He once walked out of dealership because he was a few hundred bucks off from the salesman. It was a little awkward even if he was extremely polite. The salesman called with his number the next day. Fwiw I feel like one of the reasons we buy is to have that leverage. We’re not on any kind of lease timeline. Oh, and although we prefer cash we always say we’re “open to financing” and dont discuss what that means until after the price is nailed down. (In 2017 we somehow got an incentive with 0% so yeah we were open to that.)
I used to work at a dealership and honestly most of the advice online is really bad.
1. you’ll get the best deal on the last day of the month because that’s when dealerships are trying to make quotas (dealer agreements with manufacturers have bonuses for certain quotas).
2. the trade in matters because it reduces the taxes etc so you aren’t being sneaky by negotiating without it you’re just making someone do the math twice and it’s sh*tty.
3. dealers get a little kick back on financing, there’s usually some form of a pay back period, like 2-3 months and the loans are open, so you can usually get a better deal taking the financing and paying it off completely after that period passes.
4. if you have the money, you can usually get winter tires or other features at-cost when you negotiate.
I agree with all this. There’s probably $1k if negotiable stuff- money, bells and whistles, and/or service. If you are at a higher end dealer we have found they just already start with the decent price. It will depend on the car though because some are in really high demand.
We bought a $70k car and they DNGAF if we financed or not. Sort of out of luck we ended up being able to put the $20k deposit on our credit card which was a win for us because we got the points. They apparently preferred that to a personal check and it was month end and our bank was closed.
The dealership I worked at only took deposits either credit card, debit card or certified check. They would make a rare exception for personal check for the elderly or people we trusted but it was rare.
We didn’t mean to, I called and asked if I needed a bank check and was told no, then showed up and turns out the person I spoke to was wrong and it was 3pm on a Saturday so I got to put it on my CC instead. I was tickled!
OTOH, I was shocked that the last time we bought a car the dealership preferred a personal check to a cashier’s check. They told me it was so they could try to upsell people on the extended warranty at delivery without having to make them write a separate check.
We’re looking at Hyundai, if it matters. Probably a Tucson.
Thanks all for the advice so far!
You’re always negotiating against a different alternative. For the dealer, the alternative is selling the car to someone else. What is it for you?
Is it buying the same car from a dealer 50 miles away? Is it buying a different car (model or brand)? Waiting for the autumn so you can get a good deal on a 2025 model year?
That’s your leverage.
This brings me right back to my negotiation seminar in law school. BATNA! You need to know yours and the dealer’s to determine what kind of leverage you have.
My usual strategies are to give them either the Edmunds true market value or a quote from a competing dealership and ask them to match or beat it, depending on the market. One time I negotiated the price this way over the phone and e-mail and never set foot in the dealership until delivery. We always buy small hybrid Toyotas that tend to be in high demand, so there’s usually not much room to negotiate. But even this past fall I got around $1,000 off the list price on a very popular car this way. It may have helped that the salesman knew I was serious and would definitely buy the car that day if he made the concession. I do my test-driving in advance, sometimes at a dealership where I don’t intend to buy, then go to my preferred dealership for the purchase clearly articulating what I want and what I am willing to pay. Our favorite salesman seems to know that we will make the negotiation and transaction low-effort for him and is happy to play ball.
For the trade-in, I get a quote from Carmax and negotiate a match from the dealership if their offer is lower. Our cars are very old and usually not running well when we trade them in (we drive “until the wheels fall off” and then buy a new car when it’s no longer worth fixing the old one), and I don’t want to bother trying to get more by selling a car with serious mechanical problems myself.
I have also used the Carmax quote to negotiate the trade-in. A dealer only wanted to give me half of it when I bought a car and I told them thanks but no thanks. They ended up matching it before I could leave.
Honestly, I don’t. I buy cars that usually have to be ordered (mini cooper) and have been going to the same dealership for a long time. They usually throw something in and it’s all fine. I’ve decided that car negotiating is a “should” I’m not engaging in.
Ug! I had a mini and it was such a blast to drive!
They are the best, I love love love mine.
I’ve only purchased one car (new) and it was almost ten years ago now, but here’s what I did:
– Identified the specific car I wanted to buy. Specifically, make, model, trim level, exterior color.
– Using the dealership websites, identified all dealerships within reasonable driving distance that had the car I wanted in stock.
– Sent individual emails to each dealership asking them for their best out the door price on the specific car I wanted to buy. I told them I planned to make the purchase in the next one to two weeks.
– Purchased car from the dealership that offered me the best price.
+1 we bought our car from the internet sales guy- we emailed a few dealerships, they offered no-negotiation prices and we went with the best.
I’ve only bought one new car but I used the only online advice I found that made sense to me: 1. Find the car you want. 2. Find a car that is similar to the car you want but lower in MSRP price from a different car company. 3. Go toward the end of the month. 4. After the test drive tell the dealer you are deciding between those two cars. 5. Say you could buy today if they can get close to the lower car’s price. 6. Stick with that and be willing to walk. 7. Take the deal if they do get close in price. That approach worked really well for me.
Another plug for using Carvana or Carmax for your trade in. Carvana gave me $10k more than the dealer, so I did not trade in and came out way ahead even with the tax difference. The dealer couldn’t match them. The Carvana sales process was smooth, highly recommended.
Research the exact trim levels and costs – you can do this on edmunds.com or kbb.com.
Use the internet to your advantage. Costco will negotiate with dealers for you. You can ask for a quote for the _exact_ model you want with 3 or 4 nearby dealers through Edmunds.com. This helps you have leverage if the dealer you walked into is jerking you around.
My protip–bring food, water, snacks. The dealer will try to make you sit in a room for HOURS while they crunch numbers.
I found this all hilarious–I negotiate huge M&A deals for a living, so someone trying to get me to commit to something I don’t want by making me wait in a room? Buddy, I’ve sat in conference rooms for WEEKS to negotiate deals. I don’t think the tactic achieves what you think it does.
And I really, really cosign the advice to shop at the end of the month if you can. You can get some screaming deals.
I don’t wait in the room. If they pull that nonsense I leave and go to another dealership.
Thanks so much everyone! Very helpful.
Do your research online. Try negotiating via email.
And don’t tell them you’re paying cash, they might charge you more because they make more from financing as a rule.
I did some test drives of cars to figure out what I wanted and resisted any push to discuss buying. I started looking at prices online in the convenience of my home to see what options seemed to add cost. I’m not a big negotiator, but I heard waiting until a holiday or the end of a model year or the end of a month can save money.
I had contact info for all the dealers in town, and called/emailed them online for the holiday. Then I played horse trader across the dealers from the comfort of my own home, also I didn’t need financing, paid in cash. Even though it stressed me out, I said X dealer is willing to give me this model, color, etc for $X, can you match or beat this. I got to a point where several dealers said they couldn’t match that price and if it was real, I should take it from the other dealer. But I was very flexible on taking an older model year and was color agnostic.
Long time listener, first time caller to the money manipulation show.
I got a check in the mail yesterday from my MIL for $15k written out to me. There was a short note that said “to be put in your travel slush fund. I know travel can be expensive and I’ll need to see DH soon. Would love to see some/all of you whenever.”
DH and I are very, very comfortable; money is not the reason he has not gone to see his parents.
DH is an only child and his parents are wealthy; his mom sends him a check for whatever the gift limit is each year to avoid future taxes. When I asked DH about the money he said “she said she wanted to send it, and I told her we didn’t need it, but she said it would make her feel better. She sent it to you because she already wrote me a check.”
DH and I live across the country from his parents. DH’s dad is elderly, and a miserable person. DH has a fairly strained relationship with his dad and not much of one with his mom. His dad has been in declining health and his mom has asked DH to come visit. DH doesn’t want to.
I do think DH should go down there, but we’ve talked about it and he doesn’t want to. I really, really don’t want to be in a position where I am now interfering in DH’s family mess.
Way before this money showed up, I offered to help DH make a trip happen, either solo, as a family, or with one of the kids. He doesn’t want to.
My questions are these:
1) do I cash this check?
2) do I say a thing about it to MIL?
3) do I do anything to further the happening of this trip?
FWIW, I think DH really resents his parents, and also, we have a special needs kid who is going through some hard stuff right now plus one kid finishing elementary and one finishing middle school. It’s a tough time to travel but it’s not impossible. I told him we could make it work. His opinion is that he wants to focus on his family, not his ornery dad with dementia and mother who decided to finally have a relationship so she can unload 48 years of guilt on him. (His words, not mine).
DH thinks the cash should be cashed because “it will make her feel better, she wanted to do it” and used “for the next vacation we take, or his dad’s funeral, whichever comes first.”
This is a hard question for people who is don’t have rich family who on manipulate with money to understand. My grandma is like this she uses money to get people to bend to her will and it’s exhausting. Sometimes it’s just easier for your own mental peace to rid yourself of the relationship. Personally I’ve stopped doing the obligatory visits because I need so much time to recover from them afterwards.
I get this check from my MIL. I cash it and put it towards bills.
Since your husband is already in the habit of accepting such gifts from his mother, I would treat the check as a gift to your husband, cash it in accordance with his wishes, and let him deal with his mother and any attached strings.
+1
This is perfect advice.
This!
Cash the check.
I’d also go visit, but that’s his call. When people die you don’t get another chance.
Give it to your husband and let him deal with it completely. That is:
1. No.
2. No.
3. No.
To be clear – 1. is no, you shouldn’t cash it. If your husband wants to, he should, if he doesn’t, he shouldn’t, and you should not interfere either way.
Her husband’s not going to be able to cash a check that’s not in his name. It’s hers. That’s the point.
It’s actually pretty easy to if you have a joint account.
You guys aren’t actually talking about *cashing* a $15k check, right? You mean deposit it? Which DH could definitely do . . .
This is my pet peeve, 11:55! You’re depositing the check, not cashing it, unless you’re walking out of the bank with $15k in bills.
Thank you, Anon @ 12:20. I thought I was taking crazy pills! :)
OP here and he can’t- it’s my name on the check.
I did ask, and he said cash it. The $$ would of course go in our shared account.
You can deposit any check in a shared account for deposit only. This is silly.
This! The best thing I ever did for my marriage is make sure my husband deals exclusively with his mother. Literally she’ll text me a question and I’ll forward it to him to answer. Sounds extreme , works like an absolute charm.
I’m the OP and that is how I have handled things after an initial weird period. That’s why this is so surprising!
1000 million percent this!
Let your husband deal with the in-laws. In the 30 years they were alive while I was married to my husband, the only interaction I ever had with them was polite small talk. I never initiated a phone call to them or brought up any topics. Any issues as small as when to arrive for Thanksgiving dinner were my husbands call.
I have to say my husbands brothers’ wives did not adhere to this and they had far more stressful and worse relationships with the in-laws than I did. They once said I was their favorite daughter-in-law. I was the Teflon and it was great.
Cash the check and use the money to make things with your kids a little easier right now. Your husband is the ultimate judge of the relationship with his parents, but I think it’s worth one conversation about whether he’s really okay never seeing them again. If he is, then that’s how it is, and he lives with that decision
Personally, I’d be upset being married to someone who wouldn’t try to see a dying parent. That’s just cold.
FIL isn’t dying, he’s got very progressive dementia. He’ll probably live another 5 years making everyone’s life difficult. He was extremely difficult prior to his cognitive decline.
FWIW FIL doesn’t care one way or the other, it’s MIL who thinks DH ought to come visit.
Also FWIW, I agree with you, but I have come to accept that my family dynamics and upbringing were very different.
I am not going to pile on since my advice would not be different (cash the check, let him deal with his mother, and he really should go visit his parents) but I encourage you (and him) to re-frame your thinking. Your FIL is not “making everyone’s life difficult.” He has dementia. The man he was – however difficult he might have been when he was well – is not there any longer. What is left is an elderly and very sick man and his wife of many years who is watching him die by inches.
Without knowing more about how he and your MIL were difficult it is hard to advise on the morally acceptable path. There are certainly parents whose behavior was so horrible that their adult children are justified in cutting them off (although in that case your husband should perhaps not be accepting money from them). I can only urge compassion and suggest asking your husband how he is going to feel when his father does actually die without having seen his son in years.
Except you’re definitely piling on, and if this were the husband asking it might be appropriate to say, but he’s not, so you’re out of line.
Some parents are very emotionally abusive and don’t deserve a death bed visit.
+1
And some adults who still view themselves as kids behave abusively as well. I would be more inclined to side with husband if he were actually behaving like an adult. An adult doesn’t cash the check. An adult uses their words to set whatever boundaries they need to. An adult doesn’t let their spouse feel like this is their issue to solve.
I also beg to differ a bit with the feeling up thread. Someone with dementia isn’t dying in the physical sense–but they are disappearing just as much and the clock is running fast on having a remotely normal conversation.
Doesn’t mean they should or shouldn’t go. But it is just as much of a consideration (and actually more) than the perceived burden of multiple school-age children traveling. And, truthfully, if relations are so strained it wouldn’t be a visit to have with kids regardless.
+2. There’s often a lot of backstory as to why people don’t see their parents at the end.
Try to be thankful you don’t understand.
Amen.
Perhaps I do. I still think it’s cold AF. And I would not want to be married to someone like that.
@10:50 I am absolutely positive you don’t understand. My mother chased me around the house with a knife, I’m not ‘cold’ for our lack of relationship.
There’s nothing in the OPs post that suggests anything like that. There’s a very big difference between actual abuse like you describe and a dysfunctional relationship. And dementia is basically a death, once the person can’t remember you, it’s functionally the same.
I agree. Cold AF. There comes a time in life where you realize it’s on you to decide what balance is healthy for boundaries and forgiveness, etc. He doesn’t have enough boundary that he is still letting elderly people spend money on him and have phone relationships with him but he can’t be bothered to have a tough conversation–which is the worst he has laid out. Sorry, but I couldn’t respect that. It’s childish and cold AF.
It is his wife who seems to be blaming his dad for having dementia (maybe he was never a great dad, but depending on what’s gone wrong, difficult personality can precede cognitive decline for many years).
+1 to 10:55. Obviously if your parent chased you around the house with a knife it makes sense to not want a relationship. There’s nothing in the OP’s post to suggest anything like that happened though.
Can’t have a family dynamics convo without the narcissists showing up to guilt everyone.
Feeling guilty?
I mean, yes, always, thanks to my upbringing and inherited Catholic guilt. But not from you guys, no.
Having been in a somewhat similar situation in that I cut off a toxic family member and then they died, no I don’t regret never seeing them again. They were emotionally abusive for 40 years, I cut them off and was able to live my life free of that up to and after their death. We would never advise people to continue showing up for spousal abuse just in case the other person dies. Some people have no business being parents and forcing a relationship will not end well.
Then he should deal with it. You don’t continue to take money and maintain the relationship. Totally different because of that. You use your words and take action like a grown up.
How do the kids play into this? My kids are similar ages and would be asking when we are going to see their grandparents.
My MIL also uses $ to get her way and I have the opposite problem in that DH doesn’t always see that free isn’t always good. Like maybe let’s not take a 1 week hiking vacation with 8 month old twins.
Since you have two kids graduating, could you use the money to do a kid friendly vacation for a week near the area and then visit for 3-4 days before going home. Like flying into Orlando, taking the kids to Disney and then visiting grandparents for 3-4 days in Tampa before going home.
I’m the OP and this was actually exactly what I pitched for their most recent school break (before any of this money business). DH didn’t want to do it because of his work schedule (lame excuse), our SPED kid (medium excuse, she makes travel harder but it can be done and it doesn’t stop us from vacationing, and would not at all stop me from visiting my family in a similar situation), and then he put it off long enough that when he finally broached it with MIL it was bad timing for them because FIL was having a surgery.
I’ve also suggested that he fly down with one kid, MIL can have grandkid time and my husband can just sit at the house with FIL (who sleeps most of the time) so MIL can go do the fun stuff with the kids. He said he didn’t want to go and get emotionally dumped on by his mother at night (fair, but idk, to me that’s part of life?).
Could DH stay in a hotel? So he doesn’t have to be around his mom in the evenings?
Like his mom does an activity with grandkid in the day, they order food and eat together and tell DH about the day, kid’s early bedtime is a reason to leave, get room service for breakfast and repeat for a day or two. Focus on the grandparent – kid relationship. Some people are awful parents but decent grandparents.
And then you also only have two kids instead of three for a few days .
Two separate things here: DH is an only child, so presumably the money will come to him at some point. She’s gifting money up to the limits she now can, in order to avoid the tax situation down the road. That’s simple financial common sense, and is separate from the note she wrote.
I’d say thank you and cash the check. Alternative is to have it come to you after she dies and pay all the taxes. You don’t have to keep the money. You could check with some charities who work with refugees to see if they could use a travel fund. Or check to see if there’s a charity that helps families afford all the travel/hotel costs associated with taking a loved one to receive medical treatment in a hospital far away from their home town.
OP here, and yes, generally she’s gifting the money for tax purposes but this specific check is not that; it came with a note about what it is for.
The other checks are written to DH, or occasionally to the kids (we put them in their 529s). Never to me, and never with strings/intent. That’s why it’s weird.
It’s not weird. The gift limits apply to individuals and not married couples. So she can give him $19,000 a year tax free *and* you $19,000 a year tax free.
This is seriously the coldest and worst take. I think it’s pretty clear the MiL is basically alone and wants to see them. Otherwise, I’m sure she could put the 15K to much better use on caregiver assistance and have a nice spa day. Good lord.
The woman has tens of millions of dollars. None of this is a financial hardship.
Your take is harsh, unnecessary and ignores the other info the OP shared.
Not accepting the check would be you making a point on behalf of DH, and not a point he seems to want you to make.
The kids might want to visit grandma later, and have their own relationship independent to DH’s. Set aside for them?
+1. def agree with this, especially the first point.
Yes I’d cash it but earmark it for the kids to have in the future.
I agree that if you don’t accept the money, you’ll be taking a stance your husband doesn’t want to take.
I also like the idea of setting aside the money for something that feels better, rather than just going into the general money bucket. When I was gifted money I didn’t really want or need (I’m very frugal so I think they thought that we’re genuinely poor and not that I just didn’t want to buy a lot of stuff for the new baby), I gave that money to someone that I knew who really needed it and I feel much better about that decision than if I had used the money as the person who gifted requested.
Not cashing the check leaves her out of this. She shouldn’t be taking a stance for or against her husband in this. It’s his discussion to have with his own parents.
If you accept the cash, you open the door to strings.
(Personally, I don’t think he should be cashing their checks either. Either you’re making a stand and snubbing them or you’re not.)
1.. Yes
2. No
3. No
I say yes to cashing the check because (and I know this from personal experience) this is about taxes, and not cashing the check does nothing. If you want, cash it and put it in your shared account. Cash it and put it in an account/trust for your kids. Cash it and donate it. Whatever.
As for the family dynamics, that is for your DH to manage. Stay far, far away.
Listen to your husband he is right
honestly I think it’s his call either way
+1
None of us know whether he is right. Even spouse might not know since the only ones who understand complicated dynamics are those living it.
I’d stay out of it entirely. Don’t cash the check and tell him he needs to explain to his parents why you are not comfortable cashing it, and to not send you checks going forward.
Because there isn’t a right or wrong answer here.
I’m sorry but I just don’t see this as manipulation. Your husband’s father is sick, you live far away and his mom wants them to see each other before his mind fully goes. She’s taking the friction of the expense of doing so out of the equation. Things can’t be that bad if y’all take their money generally and expect to inherit it some day. I think grandma is being kind and husband a jerk.
I’m the OP and I’m not even sure I disagree with you- but as the wife / daughter in law, what do I do? I’ve talked to my husband, way before the check showed up. He doesn’t want to go. Do I just…book flights and force him?
It’s put me in a really weird place.
That’s a really hard question. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes beyond talking to my husband about it. Maybe show him the thread?
I think MIL is trying to manipulate you using $. Agree with depositing check and staying out of it. She knows her relationship either way her son, and if she really wanted to improve it, she’d be reaching out to him.
If I were in his shoes, the manipulation would push me farther away. I hope he gets therapy, mostly for himself and your family and children.
l’d cash the check, send a thank-you note, and let DH handle his mother. My husband has a strained relationship with his parents, though they are way too cheap to send a big check. I encourage my spouse to see them but I don’t demand or do much facilitating of the visits. As a grown man, he can handle planning his own trips.
FWIW, I suspect some of my spouse’s behavior towards his parents is about some bad/possibly abusive stuff that happened to my spouse over the years. I don’t know all the details, but that is my working hypothesis.
I definitely have friends who learned only after years the fuller extent of what happened. Sometimes it’s legitimately hard to explain, but other times it’s very easy to explain and to understand, but people were not just ready to put it into words themselves or didn’t want to burden anyone else.
My DH has a great relationship with his parents, and I appreciate that he respects the complexities of my relationship with mine (he didn’t at first, but after my dad “borrowed” way, way too much money from him, he learned).
Why is he continuing to take their money? There is nothing wrong with limiting engagement if that is the safest route mentally. But then don’t continue to accept things from them, much less continue to have them hold out hope for a visit. That’s where this is wrong.
I’m not that precious about accepting money from jerks.
I’ve had a productive cough for nearly three weeks. I got a chest x-ray on Tues and it was normal, but my doctor said “call back for antibiotics if it doesn’t improve in a few days.” It hasn’t really improved, but what would be the point of the prescription with a clear x-ray? That wasn’t clear to me from our conversation. I never really know how to recognize overuse.
The x-ray was looking for fluid or growths. Infections don’t really show up on x-rays.
This is incorrect. The doctor was looking for signs of infection of the lungs, which is called pneumonia. OP doesn’t have a pneumonia. A pneumonia can be caused by many things, including bacteria, and a bacterial pneumonia is treated with antibiotics.
Infections of the lung do show up on xrays.
It is totally legitimate for you to ask the doctor “what symptoms are making you think antibiotics are necessary in my case?”. A lot of factors go into that analysis, and your doctor is best positioned to tell you why they’re making that recommendation.
Honestly if it’s been that long and they didn’t see anything on the xray, you probably don’t have an infection and don’t need antibiotics. Coughs can just linger like that.
+1
Pneumonia shows up on an x-ray. Bronchitis doesn’t.
It sounds like they haven’t ruled out a bacterial infection yet. It doesn’t sound like they’ve confirmed one either, but they may be going by the odds there, and I don’t know when it’s considered best practices to actually do a culture and confirm. Even when the cause of sympotms isn’t bacterial, there can be a risk of developing a secondary bacterial infection, in which case antibiotics can be appropriately prescribed on a prophylactic basis (x-ray looks okay now; let’s keep it that way).
Basically I don’t know what your doctor will say if you ask them about it, but I think reasonable answers exist. It’s totally fair to say that you try to avoid antibiotics when you can and see what they say.
Whooping cough doesn’t show up on xray. But it is highly contagious and a zpack of abx will make you not contagious. (And it’s horrible.)
There are other things besides pneumonia.
And apparently we can get it and spread it even if we’ve been vaccinated (though thankfully it is less severe). But it’s called the 100 day cough for a reason.
I don’t think it’s whooping cough – my husband and baby both had the same cold and they’re totally recovered. I have some immune issues that probably explain the long course for me. I was also vaccinated in pregnancy. It’s so scary it’s still going around!!
In a similar situation my doctor explained that typically a viral infection in your lungs will clear on its own. If you’re not getting better it’s more likely bacterial and treating with an antibiotic would be appropriate.
I just had some blood work done at my doctors office, and my A1c level is in the prediabetic range. Any recommendation for books or other resources on what dietary changes I should be making?
Not sure what your weight is, but I was considered obese and when my A1C went to prediabetic range, my doctor put me on Wegovy. This was a few months ago and I’ve lost 25lbs and I’m no longer in prediabetic range. I’ve been eating smaller portion sizes and more vegetables and plant based protein.
Here’s a good cheat sheet list – https://www.etsy.com/listing/1748578791/diabetes-food-list-diabetic-food-chart
Will your doctor not be prescribing a med (e.g. metformin) and/or referring you to a registered dietitian?
If you’re in the US, I don’t know what’s becoming of initiatives like the National Diabetes Prevention Program, but it may be something to look into.
Generally the more poorly suited your current diet is for prediabetes, the more obvious the dietary changes will be and the more room you’ll have to improve numbers by changing diet. So if current meals revolve around cereal, oatmeal, rice, bread, corn, pasta, or pastry, or if you drink a lot of sugary beverages and eat a lot of dessert foods, you may be able to make a big difference by adjusting portions of starchy foods and desserts and swapping out what you drink.
If you look up resources online they may be overkill, since some people may be on much more restricted diets (for medical reasons I was put on 15 grams of carbohydrate per meal; that is lower than what a lot of diabetics let alone prediabetics are able to eat, but there are a lot of resources that cater to diets like mine because it’s harder and resources are more needed).
Consider getting an over the counter continuous glucose monitor. I use Lingo, which is a monitor you attach to your arm for two weeks, plus an app. I use Lingo to understand what foods I eat cause my blood sugar to spike. For example, my daily healthy cereal surprisingly did, but a bagel and peanut butter did not. I use the data to decide if the food is worth the spike, and make changes. The cereal was not, so I have chia pudding instead. I still occasionally have dessert.
My doctor recommended the Mediterranean diet, but I’m vegetarian. I also read Dr. Jason Fung’s books, which are interesting background. My experience is the the American Diabetes information focuses on medication, and depending on how high your A1C is, you may not really need it.
FWIW, I’m at a healthy weight, exercise daily, and am vegetarian for years and still am pre-diabetic.
Dairy is no bueno. Have you tried veganism?
I also have osteoporosis, and there is no way I’d get enough calcium without dairy.
Not true. I have osteoporosis and I’m vegan, have been for five years. My calcium intake is great, and my lab values are fantastic.
I’m glad your calcium intake is great, but I didn’t think that calcium status was something they were able to track with labs since the bones will help maintain levels (the whole problem).
I find calcium intake challenging in general. On plant based, choline was a hard one for me, since they don’t often advise supplementing it (vs. B12 which is easy to supplement, though I wonder if the faddy methyl supplements are really adequate).
Dairy is fine for most of us, and very nutritious. The Fairlife milk products are particularly good, with very high protein and lower carb.
Fairlife has one of the worst animal welfare track records, but I suppose you don’t care about that.
It’s also pretty processed. If you want lower carb and high protein, I’d get plain Greek yogurt with no added milk powder.
Not to be a buzzkill, but Fairlife was found to have unacceptably high levels of microplastics, because the milk is filtered a lot to increase the protein. I love Fairlife, but I gave it up–dementia later is not worth the extra protein now. Boo, fairlife.
Also, FYI, Topo Chico and La Croix were found to have unacceptably high levels of microplastics in the same study. Sad panda.
Read How Not to Die.
But the answer is just the Michael Pollan one – Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.
It’s a good approach to try!
My A1C went up on plant based, and I had to go back to the drawing board, but I think that’s unusual and at least I’d given it a try.
It’s not unusual. There’s a correlation between vegetarians and diabetes in, for example, SE Asian populations
Genuinely, what was your A1C before and after, and what was your diet before and after? I know people whose diets have gotten worse after going vegan because they’re trying to replace the good vibes, like, cheese or meat played in their life and they’re picking up vegan UPFs as a replacement. But if you’re just, like, eating more plants and less UPFs, I would think that would lower everyone’s A1C (assuming the A1C is elevated to begin with). Not being argumentative here, am genuinely curious about the details.
Whole foods diet before and after, pretty much zero UPFs unless plain tempeh counts. I don’t remember the precise A1Cs. The problem for me was that both grains and most legumes raise my blood sugar quite a lot. Cutting grains was doable, but cutting legumes on plant based was harder for me.
I kept trying for a while because my religion has a lengthy annual vegan fast, and I thought that if I stayed plant based for longer than the period of the fast, maybe I’d be able to get used to it. But I just gained weight and got more prediabetic over the long run, same as in the short run while fasting.
Plant based foods just tend to have more carbs in them. I know some people make ketotarian work though.
Ah, so I think most people with abnormal A1Cs are not already consuming a whole foods home-cooked diet before/after. For most people, “going mostly plant based” means a reduction in UPFs, and that will almost universally reduce A1C.
I have a milestone birthday coming up in February, and a family member has generously agreed to watch our kids for a long weekend so DH and I can celebrate. We have a Thursday morning through Sunday evening and a flexible budget, we’re close to IAD and BWI. I’m more of a “doer” on vacation than “lie on a beach” person, so thinking London or Reims (we have been to Paris several times, never to London). Rome looked like better weather but with harder flight times that meant we’d have less time on the ground. Any other suggestions?
London – so much to do and lots that can be indoors.
If you ski, the alps are the other obvious choice that time of year.
Unless you can fly out Wednesday night, this is pretty nuts to me and I’m a big proponent of Europe even for short trips. There aren’t daytime flights to Europe from the DC area, which means you won’t be flying out until Thursday night, arriving in Europe Friday morning, and coming home Sunday morning/afternoon, i.e., only 48 hours in Europe. That really does not seem worth it to me. You also burn an entire day of your childcare sitting at home waiting for your flight, which seems dumb. The are plenty of non-beach places in North America to go, I’d just pick something closer to home.
I hear you. This is all the time we can get, kid-free, though, so trying to make the most of it!
I totally understand only having 4 days of childcare but I wouldn’t want to waste one of them sitting at home waiting around for a red eye flight. Why not go somewhere where you can fly out Thursday AM and maximize your vacation time?
I’d like to do some Hamilton stuff in St. Croix and Nevis. Local-ish.
I think London would be a great choice. It’s totally worth it to do the long flight for that trip – it may seem short, but you can do SO much in 48-ish hours and it will feel so much more rewarding and special. Have fun!
I was in the UK in February this year and aside for a rainy night or two the weather ended up being pretty nice. Easy day or half day trips by train to some smaller villages if that’s something you’re interested in. For a long weekend I would prioritize shorter flight so more time on the ground. Lots of direct flights to Dublin and Copenhagen as well from the DC area – I’ve never been to Copenhagen in the winter but I love the city in general, if you don’t mind the darker/colder weather.
I vote Bogota. There’s a direct flight from IAD. It’s an interesting city and the weather should be a really nice.
Also Mexico city. It’s absolutely beautiful and the food is amazing.
Mexico City would be a great short adventure! If you are set on going internationally, you should prioritize shorter flights. It sounds like you don’t want Caribbean (though some of the islands could have interesting hiking or other sightseeing for such a short trip). The only other sub-6-hour flight is Reykjavik, I think.
I’ll look into these, they didn’t pop to mind. Thank you!
Another vote for Mexico City
Just got back from Mexico City. Mansion de Papilio en Coyoacan was fantastic–so romantic, just incredibly charming and lovely. Great couples hotel, cannot recommend more highly. Was super easy to Uber around MX City too.
Reims is good for like one night max. Idk why you’d fly all that way just for Reims
Helpful, thanks. We haven’t been but love drinking champagne, so it seemed like a fun destination! Good to know that wouldn’t be worth it.
Disagree–Reims is tiny and has a lot of champagne to cover. The cathedral and adjoining medieval museum is very cool. (If you’re not a French history buff, you may not know that Reims was the main cathedral in France for a long time during the medieval period). The restaurant scene is great. It’s an easy train ride from Paris. And you can spend another day in Epernay too.
Agree that the vines / hillsides will not be scenic in February. That’s wine.
Reims is one of my favorite places and well with a visit of more than a day – but not in February! OP – I would honestly not go to Europe for that short of a trip in February, more because of the time difference than the flight length (it is only two more hours than Mexico City). But if you really want Europe, you might also look at Portugal (there is one non-stop flight from IAD).
I would look for a shorter flight AND closer time zone for that short of a trip. You are likely to have to fly overnight to get to Europe, and between that and jet lag, this sounds so exhausting. And then what if your flight is delayed? Weather delays in Feb are pretty common. I would fly to somewhere in Central America, the Caribbean or south Florida and do outdoorsy things other than lying on a beach – whitewater rafting, kayaking, snorkeling, hiking, wildlife tours, etc. Bogota also sounds like a good idea.
I love London. In that short time frame, I’d pick a museum, a show (or two), and a tourist attraction to see in depth. You can see the outside of lots of tourist attractions either on a bus tour or just walking around. But I wouldn’t try to go into Buckingham Palace and Tower of London etc in that short time.
I personally would treat it like a city break and hang out in a pub, see a museum exhibit and current show, do a little shopping, and come home.
I am too old to buy cheap H&M fast fashion. Question- Has anyone used Boardsi to find a board position? Curious if it’s a scam. What level of seniority are they typically looking for. TIA!
From what I recall of that or a similar company, it’s basically a scam. You pay every month that you’re on the platform, which means they benefit when you *don’t* get a position.
I’ve had a heavy rotation on out of state elder care with 2 non-driving teens, an older house with Issues, a dog with Issues, and a FT job. Everything has gone to pieces. Well, all of the things. House is a wreck and an unholy mess. Office at work — same. The work got done, but housekeeping and clutter have been non-tasks. Ugh. It is a mess. If it gook 18-24 months to have things get to this point, same to get out of it? I’m not walking through piles of stuff like on hoarders, but now see how this can happen even to people who hate clutter. When I’m running short on bandwidth, apparently I’m a “keep things where you can see them” person for brute-force organzing and not forgetting and OMG that has got to stop.
Can teens be put to work at all?
I feel like teens are good at taking direction, but not yet at exercising judgment in a new area. “Sort things in the pile of stuff to see what we need for our taxes” is an adult task. “Scrub the baseboards” or “vacuum” or “time to swiffer and dust” are delegable.
I struggle with the layer of unsorted epherma (mail, school stuff, things without a home) and I have found that I have to do that myself. The cleaners clean. I sort. Sorting is not great, but a podcast helps a ton.
If the stressors remain the same, I don’t think it will get better. If the other people who live in your house aren’t inclined to help, it likely will not get better (because they will keep sabotaging your work). If you have a few less things on your plate and can get help from the other people who live in your house (the teens) then you could probably clean it up in 3-4 dedicated weekends, 5-6 if it’s a big house. Add in extra time for any repair tasks, and that’s a reasonable timeline. If you’re only going at it in 30 minutes to an hour at a time, you’ll find it very difficult to make progress and it very well might take over a year.
No advice just commiseration. I had my version of that situation last fall and winter. Normally a tidy and clean person, I had no time for those sorts of chores as I was trying to manage my personal sh!tshow while only just maintaining my employment.
Things settled down somewhat, and I continue to dig myself out at work and at my house. Progress is slow. I think something in me broke from being the sole manager of an elder’s cascading health crises, working full time plus, managing their finances, managing my finances, trying to manage their house, and trying to manage my house. The latter two where were I just ended up quitting.
I am here to say that any progress on the household front feels good, and I think that even if you do just a few small chores when you can it will make you feel better. And if you just can’t right now, don’t beat yourself up over it.
If the crucial tasks are getting done, the crucial tasks are getting done. Some periods in life are for surviving not for thriving.
I don’t think it would take 2 years. I’d suggest a “5 minutes or 5 things” practice:
• Put a donate box somewhere in the house (garage, mudroom, dining room, wherever.)
• Once a day, spend 5 minutes dealing with a FEW things from one of the piles: Throw away/shred/recycle paper you don’t need anymore, stack paper that needs attention in a pile, go put away an item that have a home somewhere else in the house, put an item you’re ready to get rid of in the donate box, and set aside items that you just can’t decide about.
• When you hit 5 minutes (or 5 items, if that’s all you can do), stop and go on with life.
Within a week, you’ll have dealt with 30+ items, and that pile will be different. You may even have enough momentum that you want to do 10 minutes/10 items. But if not, just doing a little bit regularly WILL make a difference. For all that matter, even if all you do is pick up one item from the top of the pile when you walk through the room, and deal with it, that will make a difference.
Honestly, I wouldn’t expect to clear the clutter until the teens head off to college.
I have one small suggestion, but it has helped me. On a temporary basis, consider getting a post office box. Stop at the box one or two times per week. Sort the unopened mail standing in the post office, so that all junk mail goes directly into the recycle bin. Or barring that, add a recycle bin directly to your garage or walkway so that junk mail never enters your house.
My mother used to deal with this by taking a vacation day from work. She’d book an appointment for the morning (doctor or dentist or haircut – whatever she’d been putting off) to get her going, then come back and do household tasks (usually laundry and dealing with the stacks of papers on our table).
I used to think it was nuts to waste vacation time like this, but now that I’m in the sandwich generation, I get why it was necessary.
You might try this just to give yourself a start. Then you might feel motivated enough to do some of the 10 things/ 10 minutes advice above.
I’m so late to this but I really don’t think it will take the same amount of time to get out of it. I highly recommend following Christine Newrutzen on TikTok. She makes videos of doing takes she was putting off and it’s often so much less time than you think. Even 10 minutes a day can make a huge difference.