ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Marino Trousers

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A woman wearing a rust-brown suit with white top and Oxfords

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I saw a lot of chocolate brown this fall and winter, but these sailor-style trousers from Sézane feel a little bit more spring-y to me. They come in six other colors, including a denim, but I thought this medium brown would pair nicely with a warm-colored floral top for a fun spring look.

If you want to go full-on French girl, this linen top from Sézane would be a great choice to pair with the pants.

The trousers are $180 and come in sizes 0-16.

A couple of more affordable options are from Banana Republic ($72 on sale; 0-20) and Macy's ($52 on sale, XS-XL).

Looking for an entire suit? As of 2025, some of our favorite brownish suits for women include this brown paisley from Brooks Brothers. (For plus sizes, there aren't any great options at the moment; Woman Within has a double-breasted brown check suit, as well as a single-breasted brown suit.)

Sales of note for 5/27/25:

392 Comments

  1. Vacuum poster from last week. Ended up going with Miele and wow my teenage self would be agog at how excited she would get over a vacuum.

    1. Sharing the Miele love here. It makes me happy to vacuum (although I sort of like vacuuming to start with).

    2. Tell me more! What do you love about it? I am vacuum shopping and have had the Dyson and Shark in the past. Not sure if I should level up to the Miele. I have lots of dog hair (short hair) and live in a dusty place.

      1. So far-
        – Suction power is noticeably stronger than prior vac (Bissell) ever was; the different suction powers (from light for curtains to heavy for hardwood) work well for gentler cleaning
        – Wood floor (“parquet”) attachment is much more maneuverable thanks to the design of the socket that attaches it to the tube
        – Opted for a (more expensive) model that came with the electric powered, not air-powered, carpet brush for cleaning our rugs, and holy heck that thing is powerful, like it’s almost hard to hold still when it’s turned on! It has 5 different heights, so combining that with the different suction strengths, I could both super-vac our entryway mat, and lightly clean an inherited area rug
        – The generous length of the hose and the cord mean I’m not constantly re-plugging in
        – it’s legit cute. Like I feel like I have a little Vespa following me around!

      2. We had a dog and I was pregnant. My ex husband ‘got me the Miele’ which was me marching into the vacuum store very hormonal with stuffed nose, sniffing. I had a dream/nightmare where my unborn baby looked like a mini yeti from the dog hair picked up while crawling.

        I got home and vacuumed the house filing up the bag. Absolutely love the Miele. I still use the same vacuum daily and said child is now 14 years old. The floors are super clean and I vacuum the walls no problem with the wooden floor attachment.

        This vacuum has seen me through some horrific messes and it still functions like new 14 years later.

    4. Miele love as well especially because I have historic hardwood floors. And so far the local vacuum shop has been able to service it really well.

    5. We splurged on a SEBO last year and boy, this thing makes vacuuming such a pleasant experience. Has a motorized carpet brush as well.

  2. Any suggestions for very comfortable, professional loafers for a federal jury trial? I am a size 10. The trial should last 3 weeks.

    1. I have a pair of Solvairs, which I think are British men’s sized. I they seem to be staggeringly well-made, some sort of rubber sole that doesn’t look like it is from a tire.

    2. I have some from Naturalizer with maybe an inch and a half heel, and I like them a lot.

      3. Maybe it’s the style I bought, but my Naturalizer loafers looked like trash after about 3 wears. Such bad quality.

    3. I work on a university campus and need to be able to do walk far between buildings and my Sam Edelman Loraine loafers have been comfortable and professional.

    4. They are expensive but I have had my Ferragamo loafers for 3+ years and wear them almost daily in the office and they look new. I rarely wear them outside. They look super professional.

    6. I have a pair from Franco Sarto that has held up very well. Also surprisingly Talbots has good shoes sometimes,

  3. Have two days in Beijing to do sightseeing in mid-May over a weekend. Currently considering one day visiting the Forbidden City, Tiananmen Square, etc. (not sure what that etc. is or could be) and one day going to the Great Wall (sounds like Mutianyu is the least arduous). Any suggestions or top tips or tours/guides you would recommend? For some reason China seems overwhelming, but have the opportunity so taking it!

    1. You’ve picked the right activities.

      Mutianyu is one of the most incredible things I’ve seen in my life (and less busy than Badaling). However, if it is hot, it will be strenuous and the last part has steps so steep it’s essentially a ladder. Take extra water.

      1. YES on the strenuous and take water. I legitimately thought I was going to pass out climbing that last section, and didn’t have water. There was a woman at the top selling water for the equivalent of like $15 a bottle, and I bought it. And I echo going to Mutainyu over Badaling–a friend went the same summer I did and went to Badaling, and his pictures looked like it was just a mass of humanity, compared to Mutainyu where there were maybe 20 other people (this was a decade ago, though). If you have time, I also enjoyed the Summer Palace. You might be able to do it and Forbidden Palace in a day.

    2. Mutianyu is great – I went recently with a private tour via GetYourGuide and it went well. It can be hot!

    3. 10+ years ago, we did a tour where you camp on the Great Wall, so you can see the sunset and sunrise. It was incredible

  4. I’m starting a new job where I’m in office 3x a week. I need a new work bag to carry my laptop, water bottle, and lunch. The office is casual. I’m debating between a woven leather tote bag or a leather backpack. Which would you pick?

    1. My back and shoulders can only handle backpacks these days. I miss fashionable totes…

    2. I find leather totes and backpacks inherently heavier before you put anything in them. I’d go for something nylon and washable. Maybe a Le Pliage or MZ Wallace.

    3. Backpack with no question because I messed up my shoulder carrying a tote for too many years.

      However, I would opt for non-leather because weight becomes an issue once you start loading things (especially a laptop).

    4. Depends on how you commute and how much carrying is involved. I always prefer a bag to a backpack but recognize the utility in a backpack if you’re not in a car.

    5. I find backpacks hot and prone to wrinkling my clothes, so unless you’re walking a long way, am team tote.

      1. +1. I only ever use a backpack when I am traveling with my kids.

        FWIW, I see very few women carrying backpacks in my NYC biglaw office. Doesn’t mean it can’t be done, of course, but just pointing out what I see in practice.

    6. I’d vote Tumi backpack. Mine is going hard after 10 plus years. It is not leather but a canvas type material and so not too heavy. Definitely team backpack – my right shoulder was messed up for years before switching.

    8. I messed up my back carrying a too-heavy tote for many years. I recently bought a Knomo Beaufort backpack at the recommendation of this board, and it’s great! The look is similar to Tumi. I just couldn’t stomach the pricetag of Tumi when I’m only in the office 2-3 days a week.

    9. Nylon tote. I’m constantly grabbing things out of my bag and hate swinging a backpack around to access it. Leather looks nice but is heavy. My Tumi tote is worth every penny.

    10. Nylon tote for laptop, lunch and water bottle with a small purse slipped inside for going out to lunch etc. If commuting by subway/public transport, then a backpack. Large leather bags are heavy.

    11. Nylon tote for laptop, lunch and water bottle with a small purse slipped inside for going out to lunch etc. If commuting by subway or similar, then a backpack. Large leather bags are heavy.

    12. I carried a Lo & Sons Rowledge for years, mostly using the tote configuration, and then surrendered to the backpack for all the reasons everyone’s observed. I now have a Troubadour Apex, and I love it. Comfortable, but also sleek enough even for federal court.

  5. Any ideas for a day trip to New York City with an 11-year-old and 14-year-old? Great things to do, places to go, tips, etc?

    1. Depends on what they are interested in. I always love a broadway show if they are into that sort of thing. I think &Juliet was great and they might enjoy it. Other than that, I’d consider checking out Central Park, the High Line, Columbus Square Park, the Met, the Guggenheim, Empire State Building, 30 Rock, Statue of Liberty. There are also tons of great restaurants. Prince st pizza or Mamas Too, Los Tacos No 1, the Smith, Rosa Mexicano, etc.

      2. These replies are all great. When we visited w/ kids around the same age they loved the High Line, lunch at the Chelsea Market, top of the Empire State Building, Staten Island Ferry. Central Park is always great, but best on the weekend when there’s so much interesting people watching. The Metropolitan Museum is great, but maybe too much for a single day trip, since it’s no longer free for non-NY’ers and you won’t want to spend a lot of time there.

    2. I did a day trip with my kids, 13 and 8:
      We arrive at 10am, got bagels, walked to Bryant Park where we ate our bagels and people watched.
      Stopped at the NY Public Library
      Went to Kinokuniya for books (them) and Japanese stationary (me)
      Went to Hadestown
      Post show dinner at a burger place.
      Walked back to Grand Central Station, stopping a Muji along the way.
      7:30pm train home to DC.

      I’ve also done a day trip that was Brooklyn Bridge: Tenement Museum.

    3. Similarly aged kids loved Maybe Happy Ending last month. It now has a slew of Tony Nominations, so I’d recommend that as another option for a show.

  6. Anyone have completely irrational rage at the stupidest of things? I was at a conference earlier this week where two dudes were on stage at separate times – one in full suit and tie, the other with a sport coat/no tie, and neither were wearing socks. Why does this send me? I acknowledge what they wear is none of my business, says more about me than them, and yet…I cannot figure out why I.Judge.So.Hard.

    Anyone else have irrational triggers? Share so I don’t feel so inane?

    1. My irrational trigger, when people go on and on about how pretty their daughter is! It both makes me feel bad that that’s the thing you think is important about her and also it’s something she has no control over.

      1. That is not irrational – it’s completely rational to react negatively to that. The objectification of girls (and women more generally but especially girls) in our culture is sick. I see even women who consider themselves to be progressive/enlightened taking their 4 and 5 year olds to the “spa” to get dolled up, I see 4 and 5 year olds wearing serious makeup at dance recitals, etc. etc. It’s not just pageant moms who are doing this – it’s much more pervasive than that.

        1. I hate the stupid spa stuff too. Let your little girl run around and play, not get her nails painted with cucumber slices over her eyes. My daughter is 4 and I want nothing to do with that nonsense. Will also be skipping the “dance” studios that care more about the costumes than about actual dance.

        2. I think four is too young for the spa. But if my daughter had an interest in beauty stuff, I’d nurture it. Beauty is a chore for some (my mom) and self care for others (me 100%) and that’s okay. Makeup can be stupid and trivial to you but to others it’s a form of art. I get the worry about placing too much importance on appearance, I do. But I also worry that there’s an attitude where certain interests are just inherently better and more desirable. My friend has two daughters; one is bookish and the other is obsessed with nail art. I’m not sure one hobby is better than the other but I think you’d all disagree.

          1. Yeah I feel like it’s just another flavor of misogyny to say the spa is inherently less valuable of a way to spend your time than other things? I loved makeup and pretty dresses as a little girl, and would have loved to go to the spa. And I truly don’t see an issue with that.

          2. It’s ok to call a spade a spade. The spa is inherently less valuable as a way to spend time for anyone under the age of 20. No one needs to defend predatory industries.

        3. That NYT expose last year about moms knowingly exposing their daughters to pedophiles on Instagram to help them make money was the even more chilling extension of this. They weren’t helping their daughters look pretty – more sexy.

          1. I remember that one bc I had trouble finishing the article. It was disturbing.

        4. I honestly feel like this aspect of my upbringing was neglected. The spa moms I know take their sons too though.

        5. Dance makeup isn’t to make the girl pretty, it’s so her face (and facial expressions, which are an important part of performance) can be seen from the audience. The bright stage lights wash you out. I come from a long line of very un-girly women (neither my mom nor I wears makeup in daily life, neither of us has pierced ears, etc.) but I wore makeup for dance performances as a kid and my daughter does too and I don’t think it’s objectifying. I also took her to get pedicures with me beginning around age 5 but it was mostly because I wanted to get a pedicure and she was willing to go along, so it was easier for me to take her with me than find a time to go alone. The highlight for her for many years was the massage chair. I look forward to her getting a bit older so I can take her to resort spas with me, but it will be so we can get massages, not anything beauty related.
          There are definitely pageant moms who objectify their daughters, but a lot of your complaints seem silly to me.

          1. The dance makeup we used to wear was legitimately ugly and clownish. I remember being like w t f when I arrived at my first competition. They redid my nicely applied makeup so that I looked like Mimi from the Drew Carey show.

      2. I feel this. An acquaintance is constantly talking about how chubby her infant daughter is and it makes me so, so sad for that baby.

        1. Not deliciously chubby? Like I just want to nibble on those adorable thighs?

          Because that is actually natural. I read a thing about it.

    2. Two factor authentication. Maybe there’s a rational amount of annoyance, but mine is out of proportion at this point.

      2. oh man. I don’t mind it when I’m logging into something *actually sensitive* like a bank account from a new device. By all means, make sure it’s me.

        But like … the Resy app? Sending a text and then needing to verify email? No.

        1. Seriously! There are some things I truly don’t care about. For a bank sure but the Resy system drives me nuts.

        2. My city’s street parking payment app requires multiple layers of MFA. You have to log in to the app (and to log in, you have to verify your identity via an email link). Then to start a parking session you have to click a button in the app that then triggers an emailed link, which you have to click to open a webpage and click to trigger a text with a verification number that you have to then manually enter into the app session. Every single time you use it. Heaven help you if your session times out before you complete the link gauntlet.

          I rarely carry cash on me but prefer to pay at the kiosk with coins to avoid the stupidly overzealous MFA circus.

          1. This makes me mad just reading about it. And those apps are dangerous because we are standing out there with our purses, credit card and phone in hand, not paying attention to our surroundings. A robber’s dream!

            It is so ableist, too. Older people and people with other disabilities may be able to drive but the app is another level of hell. And what if you don’t have your phone?

        3. My sewer provider lets me pay directly from the email. It’s fantastic.

          Other things have ten factor authentication and it’s like, I’m really okay if someone wants to pay my cell phone bill or see the balance. This isn’t sensitive.

      3. 100%
        I get so frustrated sometimes when it takes a moment to authenticate (this sounds so juvenile) I spam click and reload it. I locked myself out one time, and our company IT department had to come unlock it for me. And they told me my problem is patience, if I just give it the few extra seconds to load, and don’t touch anything, then it will all be ok. Deep. Breath.

    3. Yes. Every time someone starts talking or whispering in the sauna at my gym. Which is like every time. Also when the gym is full of teenagers, having to compete for space and equipment with people not paying their own bills. It’s like a 200 dollar a month gym. It makes me angry, even though objectively I think kids should use the gym.

    4. my neighbor running their car’s gurgling engine for 20 minutes straight, in their backyard, which is only separated by a thin wall from my home office.

      1. OMG, when I go to a relatively short kid activity that is outside, and parents stay in their idling cars. It wrecks the air quality around the activity (soccer, tennis), and the noise IS SO ANNOYING. Turn off your car! Stand or sit outside for 45 minutes!

    5. People who wear t shirts with cuffed sleeves under cardigans/blazers such that you see the lump on the blazer sleeve. Drives me absolutely mad. T shirts worn under blazers/cardigans should not have cuffs it makes the look bumpy and not sleek. What makes this even worst is my BFF is a particularly bad offender. I know it’s a me thing though and I’d never say anything.

      1. I get it. I do this, but it’s always a decision that “I don’t care.” But that’s probably part of what you’re sensing–someone not caring about something so obvious and easy to avoid!

    6. When my boss says “oh just take a sick day!” when anyone tries to WFH with a cold. A) We don’t have sick days and B) You can usually work well with a cold, but it’s courteous to stay home and not infect others.

      If you want people to take actual sick days, then you need to offer them, but also, people are in charge of how they choose to use their PTO benefit.

    8. Oh, I have so many.

      The fact that modern appliances seem designed to break. My washer makes a horrible squeaking sound. I had a repair guy come out and he said it would cost $800 to fix it, but he couldn’t recommend that because a new one costs $1400ish, so I should just buy a new one. This seems so wasteful to me! The machine still works perfectly fine; I just would prefer to not have to listen to this awful squeaking sound. I now feel trapped in a life with a minor but extremely annoying irritant that I cannot fix without feeling wasteful.

      The way everyone is on their phone when driving. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? I want phones to be set up to turn off when cars are in motion. Surely someone can design this app!??!

      All social media. I don’t care if it’s good for selling used furniture or promoting your art or whatever. It’s toxic, it’s rewiring our brains, and it’s hurting us, and we’re only beginning to see the ramifications. I think in 20 or 50 years we’ll look back at social media the way we now look at smoking, and hopefully we’ll monitor it and put boundaries around its use in public places, too.

      AI forced on me in everything. No, I do not want AI to respond to my search queries or write my emails. Make it stop! I hate it.

      Thank you for indulging my rants today. I feel better.

      1. My husband went to ask ChatGPT about the name of something in a book we both read (we couldn’t remember) even though the book was within arm’s reach. I died a little inside.

      2. Try looking through Youtoob for similar repair videos. You’d be surprised what’s on there. A friend of mine has learned to do all her appliance repairs because the older models are generally better and she doesn’t want to buy new ones if they can be fixed relatively easily.

    9. My irrational trigger is the people who, in line to check out at a Marshall’s, TJMaxx – or any store that lines the checkout approach with a maze of “last minute” items – feel compelled to touch or pick up literally every item they pass on their way to the checkout counter. Can’t they just look without handling every item?

      It’s irrational, I know. I just want to scream “hands in pockets! don’t touch!” like they’re children.

      1. Speaking of which, I hate those mazes of dumb little products for sale that every store has. Why must every square inch of space be stuffed with junk!?

      2. Nope. That’s rational. I have a rule for my children when shopping. If we aren’t buying it you don’t touch it. You can look at it. You can get my attention to look at it with you. We do not touch.

        People need to have some respect for store workers who have to tidy displays by not messing with them in the first place. I also don’t want to be buying something mauled by thousands of people.

    10. I HATE HATE HATE it when people wave me through an intersection when it’s my turn. (whether I’m walking or in a car). I’m like, “Yeah, it’s my turn to go! No need to be the king of the intersection here, a-hole.”

      1. Related, I hate when people try to wave you on when it’s their turn. It’s like they’re trying to be friendly but they’re messing with the rules of traffic and causing confusion.

        1. I agree with this. I pass a 4 way stop every day, and often there is someone at one of the stops who will not move until everything is emptied. So sometimes if they just aren’t moving, I’ll take the right of way (that isn’t really mine) for my left hand turn.

      2. Counterpoint: they are probably trying to signal that they know you have the right of way, and they aren’t expecting to cut you off. Around here, a lot of people don’t know who has right of way and they expect someone to drive when they are supposed to yield, so there’s a distinct benefit to it.

        Especially when someone is walking, I signal to them because I’m behind the wheel of a 3,500 lb station wagon. I WANT them to know that I see them and am looking out for them.

        “King of the intersection” seems to be an uncharitable take.

        1. Agreed. I live in a very walkable community with lots of commuters (cars, bikers, e bikes). Four way stops in the morning are REALLY busy, and I never assume people know the traffic patterns (and frequently there are walkers or bikers jumping the line or causing a hiccup in the flow of traffic). I will not go in this instance unless I have some kind of visual cue from another driver that they aren’t going to lurch through the intersection without warning.

        2. +1000, as I am pedestrian or cyclist 95% of the time, if a driver doesn’t glance around and I see them see me, I cannot trust they won’t randomly inch forward into me (at best) while crossing. I will take any wave I get.

          1. +1000 – I’ve taught my teens to never cross an intersection with cars unless you’ve made eye contact and know the driver sees you. I have literally seen cars hit people at least once a month since the pandemic in our busy suburb.

          3. Same. My commute has an intersection I refuse to cross without making eye contact with the driver in the turn lane. The handful of times I have not done that, I’ve nearly been hit as drivers are too busy watching the opposite direction to time their turn on red…

        3. Right, so this is the irrational anger thread. There are good reasons for many of the actions mentioned here, but that doesn’t mean people can’t be a little annoyed, you know?

    11. When all the treadmills at the gym are full and people are walking on them at less than 2.0 mph. I realize this is a completely irrational thing. They are equally entitled to walk on a treadmill. I just want to ask if they’d mind bumping it up to 4.0 mph to condense their workout just a little so I can squeeze in a run. But yeah, that’s on me and I own that.

      Now the people who stand and static stretch on the treadmill for 5+ minutes? There are free mats just to the side! Those people I judge, can’t help it.

    12. The salutation, “Ladies.” I don’t care if it’s a woman addressing a group that is composed entirely of women. It’s just weird and vaguely condescending to me.

      Having to download an app and/or put the license plate and car make when I’m trying to pay for parking. Having to download an app to pay for anything, tbh.

      My current truly irrational anger is any request/demand from the school with less than 48 hours’ notice. Unless one of my kids’ limbs has been removed, I am not available.

      1. I have always hated being addressed as a group of “Ladies”

        Even in high school, a million years ago, some girl on our soccer team would insist on addressing us as “Ladies!” during warm up.

        1. Me too! Hated it since I was small. But I’m so old (GenX) that it was considered daring when someone finally protested about the football coach calling the male players “ladies” if they weren’t running fast enough or whatever.

      2. +1 for «Ladies» and «you girls»

        And OMG yes! I don’t want an app! I don’t want AI everything! I don’t want a banal summary of all reviews.
        I don’t want to log in using social media.

      4. My hatred of the apps for parking is rational and I will die on this hill.

        1. It’s time and phone data to download an app just to pay for parking. A kiosk is much faster.

        2.

      5. Ack, somehow this posted before my #2 reason for hating parking apps could be written.

        2. There are accessibility issues. You shouldn’t need a smart phone and a credit card to be able to pay for parking. Poor people who are holding their car together with driveway repairs and prayer shouldn’t be excluded from on-street parking because they don’t have an iPhone or their credit cards are maxed out.

        Some people don’t want smart phones with all of the attendant distractions. Some kids might be 16 and have a cell so their parents can get in touch with them and they can text their friends, but it’s not a smart phone.

        Someone could have accidentally left their phone at home.

        Someone whose phone has been disconnected for nonpayment could be on their way to a job interview and need to park.

        I hate it.

    13. People not answering my questions in email. I’m asking you 3 enumerated and concise questions – why do you answer just one in your reply?

      Also, verbose emails from administrators (looking at you, kid’s school!). What is so hard about using lists, paragraphs and short emails per independent subject????
      Why do I have to read a multi-page block of text using overly complicated language (to sound smart, I assume?) to find 3 key deadlines and links? Ain’t no one got time for that!
      I’ve honestly started copying those emails into AI assistants to distill the main points.

      Arrrrrgh, rage…

      1. I am happy to get any reply. I work with someone who will blow off email for a week but WILL respond to texts. That makes me even more angry. You are a grown man. Check your email.

      2. I share your rage at both of these. Regarding the school emails, I’m pretty convinced our principal uses chatGPT. And it’s actually kind of funny (but mostly sad) if your school emails are also being written by AI, if you are then having to turn around and use AI to distill them!

  7. Why is that some things have terrible designs and they stay the same for decades? Two that come to mind – Amazon’s shopping interface with all the crazily labeled items and abundant counterfeits and the duplicate listings, and front-load washing machines that require you to leave the door open or get mold. The washing machine one is particularly getting me right now; how can this product not have been improved in all this time? Everyone I know with one (at all price points) has the same complaint. Our washer is in our kitchen and we do not have room to walk around it constantly. When the landlord replaced the old, perfect top loader with this POS, I was so sad.

    So anyway – why aren’t these bad designs getting fixed?

    1. It won’t completely solve the problem, but years ago someone here (maybe SA?) posted about the laundry lasso that holds your washer door open enough to let it dry, but not hanging wide open. Life changer. Think I got on amazon.

      1. I have a similar purpose device for my dishwasher that holds the door ajar but not open. It works so well to keep odors from developing.

      2. Mine has a little knob that pops out to keep it just cracked open. So some manufacturers have solved this problem.

    2. Well– you have to keep buying new washing machines to replace POS ones. The older top loading models seemingly last forever, so you don’t have to replace them, and it’s bad for business.

      Meanwhile, our POS GE front loader was a lemon from the start– we had to have a control panel replaced after a year (luckily under warranty). Now, only a few months after that repair, it is leaking from the front.

    3. Wait front loading washing machines need to be left open to dry out? I just got one about a year ago and did not know that / havent been doing that.

      2. uh oh. Read the maintenance section of your manual. Run the special “cleaning cycles” of the machine as they recommend. And always after your are done using, dry off the door gasket (both the outer surface and the inner folds… especially at the bottom of the gasket…. where the water collects via gravity). And always leave the door open to dry. I also run the occasional white cycles with bleach.

        Even with meticulous care to do this, I still get some black mold growing on the very bottom inner part of the gasket if I haven’t been drying it carefully enough. And it can really be a bear to get rid of. What finally worked for me was making a paste of baking soda and bleach and covering the contaminated area, then try to “seal” the treated area with plastic wrap overnight, then rinse rinse rinse off with water.

    4. Mustard should come in something akin to a toothpaste tube. You could then squeeze it around to mix it before use, and would also be able to easily dispense way more of the mustard without fighting the container.

      I hate getting a good tablespoon of separated vinegar on my sandwhich, followed by a spray of mustard that splatters everywhere, and then can’t access the last half of the dispenser without shaking the bejeezus out of it. And because the nozzle is pointy, storing it upside down in hopes of letting gravity help just means it is constantly falling over in the fridge door.

      1. That’s how it’s usually done in Europe and it makes so much more sense. Other packaging that sucks – bacon. Why doesn’t it reseal?

        1. Thank you for this tidbit that mustard can come in tubes. For some reason this made my day, possibly because I love mustard!

      3. I shake all condiments before use. It didn’t even occur to me that others just squeeze with reckless abandon

        1. Shaking works okay when the container is mostly full, but not if the container is running low. Then, shaking just smears it all over the inside walls and you have to further shake and smack to get enough collected at the nozzle end to squeeze out. A tube would solve that problem.

      4. Why does oyster sauce come in glass bottles! Impossible to get out of the bottle and heavy to boot.

      5. My mustard (Europe) comes in glass jars or as powder. It’s possible to get it in plastic bottles, but that’s a kid’s party or gas station snack thing.

    6. I think it’s a mix of planned obsolescence, collusion, the way inflation makes the cost of legitimate products higher than people are expecting to pay, and under regulation.

      I’m frustrated currently with LEDs with terrible light quality that don’t live a fraction of their advertised lifespan. Apparently they’re just very under regulated. (Also frustrated that they’re selling us infrared free lighting and then also selling us infrared light on the side!)

    7. Speaking of Amazon’s terrible design, they also own Goodreads and the Goodreads app looks and operates like it was built in 2008 and hasn’t been updated since. It is so bad and I constantly wonder why it hasn’t been updated.

      2. Probably because it doesn’t drive enough profit to be worth investing money in.

  8. A few months ago I visited an interior design store and fell in love with their whole aesthetic. They offer free design services. My assumption is that they make money by people buying the things they recommend. Has anyone ever done something like this before? Did you find that you liked enough of the items to justify the work the designers did? I’d hate for them to design my whole living room and then I end up not buying all of the things they suggest. (Or I love the things they suggest but can’t afford to buy all of them).

    1. My cousin and his wife did this with pottery barn about 10 years ago. I’m not going to lie, their home was absolutely beautiful. Maybe a “real” designer would have found it boring but it’s pretty rare that scale and floor planning and color are that well done in my circles. Honestly, interior design is an interest and a hobby for me and I can’t design my house that pretty.

      1. I do this and we used pottery barn and their recommendations were awful. Guess it might depend on which person you get?

    2. We did this with Room and Board. We bought several of the suggested items, but not others. I don’t think you need to feel bad if you only buy a portion of the suggestions. This is a business, and presumably, they have determined that it is to their benefit to offer these design services for free. Otherwise they would charge for the services.

    3. I would imagine this is similar to how Nordstrom stylists work–they make commission off their sales, enough to justify the work they do and you do not otherwise pay them.

    4. I did out with Crate and Barrel and they did a horrendous job. I could have gotten them to redo it but I didn’t bother. :) I think as long as you buy one item you’re ok.

    5. We had Ethan Allan designed come out when I bought a couch and ottoman. We ended up purchasing the fabric she recommended and that was it. She also recommended shiplap for a stupid window to the garage over our bed and that was a great idea. Not pushy at all and worth it.

  9. I posted this yesterday but had a nesting fail: are there any large-item purchases to get now before tariffs really start getting felt? Fingers crossed we don’t need new cars or computers anytime soon, but other things we should be thinking about?

    1. If you’re a homeowner, think about the lifespan of your water heater, HVAC, appliances, etc. and whether you might need new ones soon.

      The Inflation Reduction Act tax credits are generous and still in existence last I checked, so it’s a good time to switch to a heat pump water heater, reversible heat pump HVAC, add insulation, etc.

    2. The random one I heard yesterday was laundry detergent, so I bought a pretty big supply last night. With two kids and a dog, it’s not like we won’t get to it eventually and it will last forever.

      1. Yes, I bought laundry detergent and new Costco packs of toilet paper and paper towels. This was more in case of impending supply chain shortages rather than cost (yah it may stink, but I can afford an extra $5 for a big carton of Tide if it comes to that)

    3. Olive oil. I bought 2 cases of 3 liter cans. Our favorite is from Kalamata, and even before tariffs the price had sky rocketed due to drought and fires. We go thru it fairly quickly so no worry about it turning rancid, but I really can’t even think about what I’m going to be paying in 6 months.

      I read a random tweet this morning discussing tariffs on bras. Most bras are manufactured in China and prices may very well double. According to the tweet thread there is at least one Canadian company that is no longer shipping to the US, it was a popular brand and there were lots of women in the comments who were very upset.

      1. Yeah, I ordered a couple bras from them last month and I am so grateful to have squeaked in. Hopefully I can make them last until this trade war crap is over.

      2. I’ve also been stocking up on olive oil (like you said, this is as much because supplies have been irregular even before the tariffs because of climate change) and bought a bunch of spices when Penzey’s had a pre-tariff sale. I’ve also bought more than I usually buy of cocoa, chocolate, and vanilla. None of this stuff lasts forever, but I cook and bake a lot, so I didn’t buy more than I can reasonably use.

    4. We bought extra infant formula (the one we use is from Australia – one of the few approved foreign formulas in the U.S.).

    6. Not a big ticket item, but I’ve been stocking up on canned cat food. We had a terrible time with it going out of stock during the pandemic, the cost is already 2x what it was pre-pandemic, and tariffs will definitely affect the cost of the metal for cans, if not the food itself. Our cats are old and switching food makes them vomit, so we can’t easily change to something else when it’s hard to find or the price goes up.

    7. We bought new bikes. We’ve been thinking about doing it for 2 years now, and the tariffs are what finally pushed us.

    8. Not a large ticket item for each item, but canned beans of all varieties (I am a vegetarian). And then, if tariffs last, I will switch to dried beans, which I have been meaning to do for a long time.

      1. Yeah–I think I got only small ticket items too–cans of beans and bagged of dry beans, and some cans of tuna and mackeral from wild planet. Stuff we will eat anyway.

  10. How much money did you have left in liquid assets (e.g., a savings account) after buying your first home?

    1. Not enough! I was content to live like an undergraduate in it (which explains my decor style today, tragically). I pulled the trigger too fast and for the wrong reasons. Do not recommend.

    4. Basically none. stretched to put 20%, and then it coincided with when a pet had an expensive emergency. But I was still in biglaw at the time, and had lots of excess income each month. My expenses, even with the mortgage, were only like 60% of my take home, so I knew that I would be able to build back an emergency fund pretty fast. It all worked out and I don’t regret it. But my income is a lot less now and I wouldn’t do the same thing now

    5. 25-30k, after closing costs, which can be a decent amount, so make sure to take that into account when figuring out how much of a down payment you can do, especially if your new house also needs repairs.

    6. $40k. First home, no kids, no material debts beyond new mortgage. Home was older in terms of finishes (but clean, good condition) but all systems were well maintained. We were 30.

    7. Not a lot but we had two adult incomes and were both on strong career trajectories. We also had some non liquid savings (index funds) but not tons.

    8. Nothing? Negative? Bought my first home during the great recession while also having a mountain of student loan debt. Glad I stretched and made it happen though!

    10. After buying my first co-op I had about $15k left to pay for closing and renovations, roughly that for my second co-op and then closer to $60k for our house circa 2011 (we knew it would need significant renovations so we intentionally bought less than we could afford). We are young Gen-X and consider ourselves very lucky to have been able to buy at historically low prices in our area, the sellers sold for basically what they bought the house for 10 years prior which we know was a hard pill to swallow for them.

    13. A lot, but we threw most of it at a kitchen reno. I think after the reno and home purchase we were down below 10k liquid assets. My husband has an very secure job and his salary alone could support us; otherwise we wouldn’t have been comfortable getting so low.

  11. I am a latecomer to Yellowjackets. I cannot say how much I love a show that shows turbulent teen girls and their adult (40s? there is a 25th reunion; I’m not sure you see much in between) selves. [It’s not for everyone, but OMG Christina Ricci kills me.]

    4. I enjoyed it at first but the last season (not the latest) went so far downhill it was awful. I didn’t even bother watching the latest season just released.

  12. I will own that this is a medical post. It feels so deeply insignificant and dumb but it’s also a little confounding.

    I’ve woken up the last several weeks and on seemingly random mornings to having a ring impression around my left thumb. By ring I mean it’s as if I wore a hair elastic around my thumb all night – picture those tiny plastic ones I put in my toddler’s hair as it’s about that thickness. It’s red, indented and there’s nothing noteworthy elsewhere … literally just like something was wrapped around it. The rest of the thumb (and my body!) is totally, absolutely normal. It’s at the base of my thumb, just above the bottom knuckle. From the time I notice it, it fades relatively quickly as would a hair elastic impression around your wrist. It’s not every day. It’s always the morning. Once it goes away, it’s gone until it comes back maybe 1 to 5 days later… until today!

    Today, I woke up and immediately checked and it wasn’t there. I got up, got in the shower and boom! I was working on a theory that maybe I was settling in to a certain sleeping position and subconsciously was resting my hand in exact same spot and maybe I found a loop in my sheets or something overnight that I was tucking my thumb in to? But no. It was definitely not there at 5:30am and was there by the time I was in the shower at 6:15. And then now, 9:45am, it’s very very faintly there

    This is a giant nothingburger I’m 99.9% sure but it’s so flipping weird. Any deep thoughts? I’m going low key crazy trying to figure out what is causing it because I just want to know! But I really and deeply do not think I need to bother my doctor in any way over this. I’d rather just solve a pretty inconsequential mystery. Fwiw my physical is in June so if it continues I plan to low key inquire.

    1. I don’t think this is something trivial and I would absolutely make a doctor appointment and would not wait until June.

    2. I’d take a picture of it the next time it happens, and send a message to the dr’s office along these lines to see if you should come in for a “sick visit” sooner than that.

    3. Please check back. I’m intrigued by this. My brain immediately went to weird ring worm (I did zero googling on this, it unlikely to be ring worm). Do you use mats at the gym?

      1. So did mine! Then I thought about other really weird things for a fleeting moment that create lines (blood poisoning? lyme?) but those have really specific shapes that present, and this is not that. Plus, no symptoms. This is perfectly circular wrapping the thumb.

        My next theory is that maybe it is triggered by temperature? I noticed it in the shower so maybe it was heat-activated, but it’s possible it appeared sooner and I just didn’t notice until I was putting shampoo in my hand.

        I snapped a few pictures but I’m going to try to get one next when it’s first noticed so I can send one to my doctor, or at least have it ready. It was faded partially by the time I got out of the shower and took the pic so the picture doesn’t do it justice.

        Where’s Dr. House when you need him…

  13. If you work outside the home five days a week and generally have a no flexibility job, how do you manage errands – grocery shopping both a big shopping and smaller pick ups, gas, dry cleaning, those random little errands like Home Depot? Anyone have a schedule they can share that doesn’t involve spending all weekend on these things? I generally try to avoid crowds and weekends in my area – these places are packed esp grocery stores.

    1. we work with our neighbors to divide and conquer. if someone is planning, say, a Home Depot run, then they tell the group, and anyone who needs something is free to order it for curbside pickup and name that neighbor as the pickup person.

      as far as other stops, I am not in 5 days, but doing 1 a day on the way home from work (or at lunch – like, is there a dry cleaner near your office?) means Saturdays aren’t a cluster of boring errands, and instead are for things we actually enjoy doing in person like going to the farmer’s market to pick out produce, etc.

          1. This has not been my experience at all. Most shoppers can’t even distinguish between types of tomatoes, let alone pick out ones that are sufficiently ripe. Even with shelf stable goods I’ve gotten white wine vinegar when I ordered rice vinegar, jasmine rice when I ordered basmati etc. It seems like most shoppers all operate on the mantra of close enough

          2. I do set all my replacement preferences (either to a specific approved item or to refund), but I remember when my shoppers were like that. I guess I’ll consider myself lucky that my shoppers are pros now.

          3. I think this is market specific. In my current area the curbside shoppers do a solid job, not the best but not worth fussing over. I am moving and when I saw the quality of curbside app tech and shoppers in the new city, I was horrified.

        2. Yes my local Whole Foods and fresh direct is great 95% of the time. If the wrong item is sent or a produce item arrives damaged, I can easily ask for a refund through the app.

          All groceries I buy online (Whole Foods), Costco 2x per week and if we’re really busy I use instacart (there is a fee and a small premium but worth it for me for the time save and reduces impulse purchases). Trader Joe’s 2x per month or as needed to stock up on favorite pantry items. All other home essentials (paper products, laundry/cleaning supplies, diapers, wipes etc) are purchased on Amazon, Target (pickups) or Costco. Clothes nearly all online.

          Only real in-person errands I need to run are dry cleaning.

    3. There were two CVSs by Farragut West and if I couldn’t get what I needed there (or otherwise on Connecticut Ave at the Ann Taylor / Talbots) or a quick walk from there, I didn’t get it. I saved so much money by just doing less. Cleaners had to be by my end of the metro (less lugging). It probably helped that I lived in a apartment.

      After, in a tiny house: Home Depot will deliver. Now: everyone delivers. It’s not the worst thing to pay for delivery — your time is not worth $0 for you to have back. The only things I need to shop for are clothes (trying on in person if possible, definitely for shoes) and groceries (like perishable ones; boxed and canned groceries are things to stock up on reasonably).

    4. I go to the grocery store only once a week, that’s probably the biggest thing to make it manageable. Usually stopping on the way home from work. Sometimes making a detour to Costco, which is also better on a weeknight than on a weekend. If I feel really pressed for time, I do Safeway pickup order and then it’s just a super short stop on the way home. But it’s always just one grocery trip per week, either Costco or Safeway or trader Joe’s or my local shop.
      Gas also on the way home. Home Depot maybe once a month, that’s usually a weekend thing but I don’t have to drive very far. Not that many other errands for me.

    5. Here’s my schedule:
      – Wednesday 6pm, grocery online pickup (fresh produce, store not too busy). I only do one grocery pickup a week, so if it’s not in the order, it’s not happening. I also make sure to keep the pantry stocked with extras like pasta, canned things, broth. I also only shop at one grocery store. I do miss Costco, but it was too time consuming.
      – Sunday, 9pm, gas and car wash
      – I don’t own anything that requires dry cleaning
      – 10am Saturday- DH, kids and I go to Home Depot or Lowe’s maybe once a month and make a trip of it, the kids run around the garden center and we get things on our list we need
      – Throughout the week I order on Amazon if needed
      – I only buy clothes online from places with easy return policies. I order 1x/quarter for the whole family.

    6. I think part of the answer is to just do fewer errands. We grocery shop every two weeks or so, either on the way home from work or earlyish on a weekend morning on our way home from a hike. At least where I’ve lived, stores aren’t that busy if you get there before 10 and we can be in and out of Trader Joe’s in 20 minutes. We do the same for gas. We don’t buy that much other stuff, but we also do the occasional hardware store run or furniture or appliance shopping trip on the weekend, and buy other stuff online. I don’t do dry cleaning. We don’t have kids, which I’m sure helps.

      1. I live alone and have found grocery shopping every ten or fourteen days saves me money, probably because I am tempted to buy nonessential items (chocolate?) less frequently. I

    7. TBH, I couldn’t make it work and I got a new job where I could do 9 hour days M-Th and a 4 hour Friday. All errands happen while the toddler is still in daycare and I’m off work on Friday. When I didn’t have a toddler and daycare pickup, I had time to run errands on the way home from work, or in the evening before I went to bed.

    8. Dry cleaning happens at lunch. Grocery shopping, gas, and Home Depot + errands happen on the weekend and it does not take up my whole weekend, or anywhere near it. Go grocery shopping on Friday nights or Sunday mornings to avoid the crowds.

    9. Sadly, I pretty much do most of these errands on the weekends. I’ll stop for gas as needed on my way home from work during the week, and I throw a load of kids laundry in for washing mid-week, but pretty much everything else (groceries, dry cleaners, etc fall on the weekends). We do one big grocery shop on Sunday with enough food to get us through the week until Friday, and then usually eat out on Friday night. If we forgot something or need a particular ingredient we don’t have during the week, we send our 14 year old to the closest grocery store (1.5 blocks walking distance from our house) and he loves to feel like he’s helping contribute to the household. We try to stretch out the time between other errands, like doing a huge Target run and loading up so we only have to go every 5 weeks or so. Hair cuts/colors are on the weekends as I can’t dedicate a 3 hour chunk of time during the week. I can squeeze in a manicure in the evening on a weekday. I also try to use the time when I take my kids to activities wisely – e.g., stopping at the drug store or UPS while my son is at soccer practice, or doing a return while a kid is at piano lessons.

      Following with interest to see if there’s more we can do to free up weekend time.

      1. Package return tip: Staples (at least in my area) will take package returns for Happy Returns, Amazon, UPS, and USPS. (They just do not take FedEx). So much easier than running to UPS, USPS separately.

    10. I do shopping either on the way to or from the office. I can store a limited number of refrigerated or frozen items at work if I do a small grocery run in the mornings. I do childcare drop off in the mornings so usually I run errands after work but today for example, I brought my kid in to the store to do a return since it’s so much faster at 7:30am than at 5 pm. I will generally do grocery pickup, so I place the order on my phone during the day and then only have to spend ten minutes waiting for my order after work.

    11. I don’t mean this negatively, but this was life pre-pandemic for most working women!

      3. It is life now for most working women. And during COVID. Most working women never worked for home.

        Many people on this site live in a bubble.

      4. I agree with you! I think there were multiple worlds though pre-covid even and it’s coming to light more now. I used to work at a very busy in office job with 3 kids and everyone juggled, and no one had time to do errands during work. Now I’m at a full remote job, and the people here have been running errands at work since the company started 30 years ago. It’s just a very relaxed environment (high margin business).

    12. Constant mental juggling. I try to do 2-3 things during the week. I also only go inside the grocery store to get produce and use curbside at the grocery store and Target for everything else. So the ideal schedule is a Target pickup and grocery store pickup on a Tuesday because I tend to have leftovers that night. Gas Thursday on the way home. Go to the grocery store Friday night for a quick shopping for produce.

    13. Do you have depression? I ask because none of what you’ve listed sounds very excessive or difficult, except for when my depression is bad and then even going grocery shopping is more daunting than I can handle.

      1. Do you have kids? Whether it’s multiple little kids or bigger kids with a lot of activities – weekends are jam packed and leave little time for running errands.

    14. I started ordering my groceries online (I go to the store and they bring them out and put them in my car) during the pandemic and I’m never going back. They have gotten pretty darned good at picking produce and they text me with substitutions, so it’s been a real game-changer.

      My husband has had the dry cleaning picked up and delivered for years and hoo boy is THAT ever a game changer!

      We also get Blue Apron every week so that eliminates a lot of grocery shopping.

    15. There’s a reason all those stores are packed on weekends, it’s the only time available to run errands. It takes all day. Alternatively you can grocery shop on your way home from work and grab dinner for the night at the deli section or whatever. As for random other things — this is why I’ll never give up Amazon/big box delivery/instacart. There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to physically go to every store I need stuff from.

      For dry cleaning — I just don’t wear dry clean only clothes anymore unless I absolutely have to, and I wear a shell and shorts under suits so they don’t need dry cleaning as often. I also have very low tolerance for tailoring clothes, even hemming pants. I don’t want two extra errands – dropping off, trying on for them, picking up, which also includes a try on. If the pants are too long, they’re going back.

    16. At work from 7:30-6 weekdays. Factor in a small town with limited options. I get groceries on my way home if needed or in one big trip on the weekend. Almost everything else is online. Once every 6-8 weeks I drive to nearest city and pick up everything I can’t get in town or online. I also let neighbors know and get anything they need and vice versa. The one big problem is the pharmacy. It has limited hours and isn’t open on weekends. I have a standing agreement with retired family members that they pick up any meds for me.

    17. My grocery store opens at 6, so I go first thing in the morning before work and do my drycleaning/gas/errands during the hour I get for lunch.

    18. I would outsource what you can outsource. I would use grocery delivery or pickup as one. I would also find a dry cleaner and gas near work. You probably have to pay more for convenience but you gain more time.

    19. I’m a very single parent and I work a rigid schedule with minimal flexibility.

      Certain things can be outsourced but this is why o have a solid after school sitter who can help with some of the admin like dry cleaning, prescription pick ups, parcel pickups etc. Food is easier. Costco for a big shop of non perishables. Fresh direct for perishables only. They have excellent fruit and vegetables consistently. Highly recommend them if you live in an area they serve. Keep meals simple and prepare in advance as much as possible.

      Doctors and dentists need to be on weekends. I struggle with admin. Always behind.

    20. Curbside on my way home from work. Running out quickly in the middle of the work day. A lot of online orders.

      I avoid stores on weekends.

      1. I have a chest freezer and a fridge with freezer in the basement, in addition to the regular fridge in the kitchen.

        This cuts down on frequency of grocery runs.

    21. Lots of good advice for online shopping. We bought a steamer closet to allow us to skip dry cleaning.

  14. Talk to me about planning events with in-laws. There’s so much friction between me and my in-laws on planning events since they retired. For one thing, they generally assume we have nothing going on, tell us about something last minute, then get upset when we can’t come. I asked them to give us more notice, like maybe a week but a minimum of 2 days, and we would try to come to their events, like dinner at their house. We have 3 young kids and 2 jobs, it’s hard to juggle. But then they get offended that we “don’t have time for them.” They retired last year and have very little on their schedule. I alap wonder if they’re bored and it’s causing them to stir drama. Another flashpoint happened at Thanksgiving last year- we usually celebrate at their house and have for years. A month before Thanksgiving, they decided to go to my sister in laws across the country for Thanksgiving. Then our other sister in law and her family flew out too, then everyone made comments about how it’s too bad we couldn’t come, but even if it had been communicated better, the kids didn’t have a long enough holiday to go. I think it might just be that they’re enjoying the flexibility of being retired, but forgetting the rest of us have obligations.
    My husband says they are terrible at planning and always have been. He recounts stories from childhood where they would go on trips last minute, it’s just how they are, very spontaneous. His take is that we just have to go about our lives and slot them in when we can, miss them if we can’t, and catch some chirping from them. Surely there’s a better way!

    1. Agree with your DH. Sometimes retired people forget what it’s like to be tied down to jobs and school schedules. That’s their right but it doesn’t mean you have to turn your lives upside down either. If they call you over for dinner tonight and you can’t go, you can’t. They may also learn in time that the answer is always no for a Friday night dinner unless they inform you by Tuesday or whatever.

      1. Agree, BUT, maybe every so often, when it won’t throw a wrench in your schedule too much, try to agree to a spontaneous dinner at their house, to build up some goodwill. The kids will think it’s fun too! Pick them up from school and unexpectedly say, we’re going to Grandma and Grandpa’s for dinner!

    2. Follow your husband’s lead. My mom is like your MIL. It’s awful. I have just stopped caring and she makes what she can make and we got in her last minute plans if we happen to be free. I’ve also told my kids so they know not to be surprised when grandma is a no-show or randomly pops into an event. We try not to tell them so to them the no-shows rarely happen but i set expectations just in case.

    3. Agree that I would follow your DH here, as these old people probably won’t change their ways. But if you want to be more proactive, could you put a standing dinner on the calendar? Like, the first Sunday of every month or every other Wednesday or whatever. It could even be takeout food. But that way when they complain about never seeing you, you’ll know that’s not true. And you can beg off with, “Sorry we’ll miss you tomorrow, but we’ll see you Sunday for our regular dinner.”

    4. They aren’t going to change, so I say adopt your husband’s attitude – see them when they work with your schedule, and otherwise brush off the noise.

    5. when I got to your last paragraph, about what your husband says, I thought, “here is the answer!” He’s telling you plainly that these two people are not planners, never have been, and (it appears) actually value and enjoy last-minute decisions.
      You can continue your search for a “better way,” but please base that “better way” on what he’s saying, which sounds like plain common sense.

      1. This. You’re not missing some secret optimization. It’s okay when it doesn’t work out and great when it does. There will be lots of chances to spend time together. It will take them a while to adjust to their new freedom.

        An offer is an offer. Just because someone is unhappy that you said no to something doesn’t mean anyone did something wrong. Even happy families are big and messy. It’s okay that everything doesn’t work all the time.

      2. +1. Unless you actively want to see them more frequently, I can’t imagine a better solution than just going about your life and accepting their offers when you can.

        If you do want to see them more regularly, the idea about a standing dinner plan seems like a good one.

    6. Your husband’s way sounds great. He knows these people. They are not going to change. Let them be annoyed and let it go.

    7. Oof. 2 jobs + 3 kids = you do what you can. The only people I know who see their parents/inlaws a lot are all local and in long-term deeply mutually inter-dependent families (so the grands are involved with the kid errands and watching and the adult children help with yard work and many extended family meals and shopping and leftovers and this changes from babies to driving teens to very elderly parents and grandparents and even great grandparents). I don’t think that set up would work at all for you.

    8. How is there a better way than what your husband had proposed?? Are you hoping for magic words to get them to stop doing this, because that is not going to happen. What you can control here is your reaction when they say things about it.

    9. I’d trust the man with 30+ years of experience with these people over random internet strangers. You’re not going to change them, sadly!

    10. Their lack of planning would really annoy me too, but “the kids didn’t have a long enough holiday to go” is kind of a dumb excuse. If your in-laws are in the continental US, you can travel there for a 4 day weekend; it’s not like they’re asking you to fly to India or something. And if you don’t think that short a trip is worth it, missing a day or two of school around a major holiday for a family event is not a big deal. I’m someone who’s pretty conservative about kids missing school (I never pull mine out to do Disney or a beach resort, unlike many of my friends) but would not hesitate to extend a holiday weekend by a couple days to see family. Family is important and nothing really gets done Thanksgiving week and the week before Christmas anyway.

      1. Yeah I’m militant about school stuff but also feel very strongly about the importance of family.

        I’ve flown across the country for a 3 day weekend with family before. I’d also be making time for dinners with the grandparents whether spontaneous or planned.

        My grandparents lived 15 mins away and we saw them at least 2x a week after school or for dinner.

      2. We travel internationally every year with our 3 kids but I’m with OP that one month notice is not a lot of pull off a 4 day trip with 3 young kids across time zones which messes up everyone’s sleep. I shuddered at the packing alone. Plus traveling in peak season when every flight is packed is a huge pain. Unnecessary for local grandparents that the kids see constantly.

        It was a big ask by the grandparents for them to drop like $2-3K on a whim. Booking seats for 5 is the worst – you often end up in another price bucket which leaves you a choice of pay more or splitting reservations and risking not being seated together or bumped. Booking our travel for next year so clearly I have all the feelings about airline prices and long distance travel with 3 kids.

        They can have dinner with the exact same people when they get home the weekend after.

      3. Booking flights for Thanksgiving only a month before would be completely cost prohibitive for me.

        1. Yes, as I said I’m not disagreeing with the fact that there wasn’t enough notice. I’m disagreeing with the second half of this clause (“even if it had been communicated better, the kids didn’t have a long enough holiday to go”). Being asked to go across the country on one month’s notice is unreasonable, but if they’d had more notice the kids could have missed a couple of days of school or they could have gone for a 4 day weekend.

    11. My in-laws did this to us, too, and my parents try as well. I just had to keep repeating that we couldn’t come and get sterner and sterner if they protested about it. Do I like being “the mean one” in my family? No. Do I have to do it for my own sanity? Yes.

      I’ve had to do this on other issues as well – my own mother thinks I’m “mean” because I told her to stop talking about weight in front of my daughter, person, but she did stop.

      1. Last sentence should read:

        I’ve had to do this on other issues as well – my own mother thinks I’m “mean” because I told her to stop talking about weight in front of my daughter, period, but she did stop.

    12. If you guys wanted to make it work, you could. If you don’t want to get together, you need to tell them that.

      1. This is BS. They want to it’s just insane to expect parents with children to drop everything and rearrange their lives because grown adults are too dysfunctional to engage in basic planning.

      2. Yeah, this is how I view it. If you wanted to, you would, and they know it. So may as well be honest instead of giving excuses no one believes.

        1. Two days notice is not an unreasonable request, jeeze. Do you fly by the seat of your pants for everything? Functional adult plan.

          1. I hear you, I really do. My answer is: Yes, if I want to and I’m able to (time and money are there), I’ll fly by the seat of my pants. If I don’t want to, I make my excuses, but that’s what it comes down to, whether or not I want to.

    14. My parents live nearby; we have a standing dinner with them, so there is a consistent time we know we will see each other. They also pick up the kids once a week so end up hanging out after that. We also invite them to random kids stuff, and they invite us to stuff – we can’t always make it and neither can they but since we know we have the set dinners it feels less high stakes.

  15. A few weeks ago there was a discussion about how men should be forced to retire to make way for others to grow in their careers. this is days old news at this point but i just saw that a new law firm has been created by a 73 year old attorney former big-law guy in DC to defend people who are being prosecuted for political reasons. He seems to have hired female ex-big law attorneys who quit over the recent deals with the Trump administration. we need people like him who can take the financial risk and have the experience to do stuff like this. granted, im only 40 and can’t imagine having the energy for this 30+ years from now

    1. He’s a unicorn most older men are absolutely not going to put their neck out for the greater good or any moral reason.

      1. Anyone who puts themselves out there like this man has deserves praise. It’s not easy to take a stand and subject yourself to what will be unpleasant backlash.

    3. I missed the original post but were people arguing that older men should retire from corporate management positions? The idea that an older man with talent wisdom and financial security might undertake an entrepreneurial opportunity or create an organization dedicated to a public good seems like an argument in favor of that. Is that what you’re saying?

      1. they were saying that they were preventing others from moving up by not stepping aside. if people, such as this attorney, were forced to retire at 65 and got too busy on the golf course or whatever retirees do, they might be less likely to engage in something like this. i’m not defending old white men, but with advances in healthcare, 65 isn’t what it used to be, and people live for longer, and if men or women want to spend their time working, which keeps their brains sharp, who am i to judge. i know of multiple women in similar boats, including my boss, who are working ‘big’ jobs essentially for fun. they don’t need the money.

        1. Right but what I’m saying is maybe instead of the golf course they do something like this, which seems like a desirable outcome. This man is not working a corporate job for the thirtieth year whilst a generation of now middle aged gen exers linger below the c level, but engaging in a new public-oriented pursuit outside of that hierarchy. Surely you can see the difference?
          I have no dog in this fight.

          1. You’re responding to me and I agree with you. Of course I see the difference. But what age is the ‘cutoff’ that people should leave? or be forced to leave?

          2. I think here 65 or 70 still gives this gentleman plenty of time for this pursuit. I’m not understanding the argument that had he worked somewhere elsewhere and been forced to retire early he couldn’t or wouldn’t have done this because of golf. Again I’m not taking any position on forced retirement except that I don’t think this is situation is an argument against it.

    4. oh this makes me happy to see. I went to high school with two of his daughters. i hope to not be working at age 73, but glad there are those with the motivation to do so, especially to do something like this.

    5. Omg no one was saying productive partners should be forced to retire. Knock it off with your straw man. The specific examples were people like – older partners who continue to keep 100% origination credit for clients they originated or inherited 40 years ago but haven’t even known the name of the GC for 10+ years, and refuse to even share with the partners who are actually managing the client and doing the work; older partners who steal origination credit from younger partners who brought in business through their own efforts; older partners who not only refuse to mentor but actively block younger generations from developing trial etc. skills they need. These are objectively problematic and destructive behaviors and unfortunately they are tolerated in way too many firms.

        1. But, but, won’t somebody think of the old man who cannot afford to retire because he cannot live on Social Security. Or the old woman whose husband died or ran off or became disabled (or who also just cannot afford to live off Social Security). Or the old . . .

          Should an 80 year old still be collecting the origination credit on clients he has not actually worked with in twenty years? Probably not and the partnership agreement should address that, but the agism is real and significant and mostly hurts lower income people, particularly women. And the type of attitudes that support it deserve to be called out.

          You too will someday be “old” and coloring your hair and getting botox and avoiding mentioning the age of your children because people make assumptions about you and your capabilities at a stage when you actually still need to be working for your finances or emotional/physical health so perhaps be a hair less dismissive.

          1. You are not talking about the same group of people at all. If someone has been a law firm partner for 50 years and doesn’t have savings, that’s a lifestyle problem, not a true poverty problem.

            And no, partnership agreements can’t address the nuances of origination issues. In fact most partnership agreements I’ve seen say little if anything about origination sharing. People are expected to be good partners. Unfortunately a lot of them aren’t. That’s one of the reasons some partnership agreements have mandatory retirement ages — because it’s easier to kick out everyone over 72 or whatever than it is to pry OG credit out of the hands of people who don’t deserve it anymore.

          2. You’re talking narrowly about law firm partnership structures, and I don’t think most other people in this thread are limiting themselves in that way.

          3. sorry, but I’m not going to think of the old law partner who just can’t afford to retire. If he was too stupid to save, that’s on him. But he shouldn’t continue to get paid excessive amounts of money to do little to no work and steal the credit from someone else

          4. @ 2:46 law firm partners is what the original comment thread was about, though. That original discussion keeps getting brought up as an example – incorrectly – of ageism on this board. That is what I’m pushing back on. No one ever said all old people are useless and don’t deserve to work even if they’ve always been poor. The discussion was specifically about biglaw litigation partners who block the way for others rather than succession plan.

        2. I love it when people admit they are cool with dehumanizing people. Any people.

          Yes, you should also be thinking of the powerful old man. Doing that does not in anyway impede your ability to think of people in other groups.

          The response to groups being marginalized cannot be to advocate for the marginalization of a different group.

          1. What? Not allowing old men to steal from younger people is not advocating for the marginalization of old men.

          2. “Stealing” implies they’re doing something wrong. If the partnership is structured to permit it and it’s not illegal, it’s not wrong, and you can either accept it, demand it change, or leave.

  16. A recruiter told me last week that I would hear back today about a job I am very interested in and I am having trouble focusing on my actual job this morning which is unfortunate because my to-do list keeps getting longer this week.

  17. I’m really into theatre, my DH is decidedly not. I used to occasionally go to shows with him but he’d make faces the whole time and couldn’t regulate his emotions enough to just pretend he enjoyed it for my sake. DH also works shift work so he’s often working when shows roll into town. I’ve started going alone and it’s better that way, I can enjoy myself and don’t have to manage his moods. Last week I told DH about a show that was coming to town, it’s during his work hours and I’ve learned from past experience not to ask him to take time off. Today he surprised me with tickets and told me he took the day off….but I already bought my solo ticket last week. He’s so mad at me for not being thrilled by his selfless action but it’s only selfless if he behaves which history has taught me he won’t. So now I’m in a tough spot. I get that he’s trying to change and be better but that ship has sailed in my view. It feels like he’s only trying because he realized I am happy going alone which he doesn’t like. Thoughts?

    1. Show tickets are expensive and taking off shifts can be logistically painful. This is a LOT of effort to not be in good faith. Sell your single ticket and go with him. There are so many different shows, perhaps something about this one appeals to him. Tall to him about it! Assume good intentions.

        1. I guess after being sh*tty for so many years, I just don’t care about his efforts and I want to be left alone. The time to try was many years ago.

          1. It sounds like you don’t like him. This seems like a high level of digging your heels in and refusing to budge for what should be a simple matter.

          2. It sounds like this is way bigger than just tickets to a show. Accept the kind gesture and sell your ticket, but also consider couples’ therapy (or therapy just for you).

          3. Clearly lots of baggage here (being sincere, not snarky!). You should decide if you want to work on your marriage (therapy, honest conversations?) and accept the tickets graciously, or write it off and live parallel lives. I think that is at the crux of your question.

          4. yeah, it sounds like this is really about something bigger than this ticket misunderstanding.

          5. Then leave him. Don’t be sh**ty back just because it feels good–which is what I’m sensing from you. He made an effort and you need to appreciate it or cut him loose.

        2. How is it speaking her love language to get angry at her for booking her own ticket like she always does?

      3. I totally agree, this is a huge window of opportunity! As someone who has had to spend way too much money on Gottman marriage counseling recently, this is a clear bid for connection on his part!

        1. This x1000. It seems from your other responses that there is a lot more going on here, but if you still like your husband and are interested in staying married, I would 100% sell your single ticket and give him a chance here.

          1. I say ditch the solo ticket! I mean sell it if you can or give it away but even if you keep it and don’t use it, it’ll be 1000s less than the amount I’ve spent on marriage counseling and therapy for my kids for having to deal with communication problems between me and my husband over stuff like this.

    2. Are the tickets to the same performance of the show?

      If they are two different, I would go to both. I really enjoy seeing a performance from different seats and on different nights.

      1. Yes both the same performance. I have a preference for a particular time at our local theater because it means I can get snacks afterwards from a restaurant I like.

        1. Are you serious? You sounds like you are 10.

          How about you go to that restaurant before the show, or after, or a different restaurant that you both will like?

          You are going to crush your husband if you reject this gesture and seem very insensitive. I just don’t understand your rigidity, unless this is your personality or you have an abusive marriage that we don’t know.

    3. This seems like it’s not really about the theater tickets… Is he like this in other parts of your relationship? Belittling, controlling, childish, etc?

    4. I think being upset at him doing something like this is a bad sign. I wonder if there’s more backstory that we’re missing, because your response does not seem rational otherwise.

      1. He ruined a lot of shows with his tantrums before I started going alone. So many once in a lifetime performances are forever tainted. I don’t want this show ruined too.

        2. What were his tantrums like? In the original post it sounded like he was just making faces?

          1. If it’s just making some weird faces I’d ignore him. If it’s constant huffing, sighing, shifting (poking you, jabbing your legs) during a show that’s another story.
            I go to shows my husband doesn’t like and vice versa (think I like folk music and he likes metal). While neither of us expects the other to be a HUGE fan and want to discuss every aspect of the show afterwards we’re both adult enough to be polite attendees during the show.

          2. None of that adds up to a tantrum either. I also think it would be REALLY easy to read into somebody just feeling physically uncomfortable in ordinary ways while watching a show, let alone not carefully monitoring their facial expressions. I would ignore faces, breathing sounds, and shifting in a seat all three! Some people are annoying in certain contexts, but it doesn’t always or usually mean they’re being annoying at us.

            I assume OP meant an actual tantrum, like complaining or going on a tirade afterward.

          3. He huff’s and puffs, makes a constant stream of comments ‘Her voice is so squeaky’ ‘why are they wearing so much make up?’ ‘those costumes are so ugly’ ‘ugh this is taking forever’.

          4. Do you say anything to him about this? Maybe a simple conversation to let him know that this really upsets you and disrupts your enjoyment.

          5. Yes I told him his commentary ruined the show for me, he did it again at the next show. I reminded him that his comments were not appropriate and then I just started going alone.

        3. Either accept the olive branch and that he’s trying to change or divorce him already.

          3. Yep. Those are the choices right now, and it’s okay to choose either one. Sometimes there is too much water under the bridge.

        4. You are clearly really, really mad at him. I’m not saying you aren’t justified, but you can’t just ignore this and expect your relationship to be okay. Please, pursue therapy! Is this performance more important to you than his happiness? It sounds like it is. That’s a big deal.

    5. On its face this seems like a nice gesture from him. It’s different to go to something you don’t like all the time vs. planning to go for a special event. I would at least give him the chance. If not you’re picking a fight over something that hasn’t happened yet. You don’t know for sure if he’ll make faces etc this time.

    6. I’d be annoyed in your shoes. If you have a habit of going to shows by yourself then he should’ve asked if that was your plan before he made some grand romantic gesture or whatever. I think he’s wrong to be mad at you for already having the tickets when… that’s what you always do.

      You should both sit down and talk about what to do with the extra ticket(s) when you’re not feeling upset. Does he genuinely want to do this with you? Or does he think you don’t enjoy going to shows alone? If he genuinely wants to do this then you’ve got to take that at face value and give him a chance. But maybe he’ll be happy to be off the hook if you reassure him that you enjoy going alone. Hopefully he can sell the ticket(s) you don’t need.

    7. I’m kind of surprised by the comments. I’m a big theatre fan, my husband is not and I’ve kind of come to the same place as you about going to most things alone. We have a clear understanding that I’ll run any shows he might potentially be interested in by him and give him the opportunity to pass; otherwise I go alone. I would not be happy being surprised with joint tickets to a show I already had a solo ticket to. And him being “so mad” that you’re not thrilled about him getting tickets when you normally go alone seems like a big red flag to me. I also agree with the insinuation in your OP that this it feels like he’s only trying because he doesn’t like that you’re happy going alone and that feels controlling to me.

      1. I’m kind of surprised too. Maybe I should be grateful, but I don’t think this undoes the past especially without any apologies.

        2. this is the time to use your words then? “Hey hubs, that was sweet idea of you to get tix for us to go together. In the past you’ve being criticizing the experience while we’re attending… even if I agree with you I don’t like the disruption. Are you cool sitting there quietly even if there’s something you don’t like?”

          we’re all reacting to your clear resentment and implication that he’s being controlling, not the idea that partners can like different things.

        3. A good long-lasting marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
          Is this behavior still annoying? Sure! But when someone is trying to do something nice for you, you need to be gracious about it, even if they missed the mark. Maybe that’s going to the show together, maybe it’s offering to handle reselling the tickets so you can use that time/money to do another activity together, maybe it’s something else entirely. But just saying “no, I didn’t want this, and I’m mad at you about it” is kind of a jerk move.

          1. Agree. Some people hold tightly to their grudges though, and can’t move past their real/perceived grievances. It’s probably more personality based than we want to acknowledge.

        4. Well, we can all tell you hate him, so I think you’re getting the comments any woman who outwardly hates her husband would. Leave him or forgive him.

          1. Agree. It sounds like you just want to punish him for your unhappiness about the past.

        5. OMG DTMFA. You clearly hate him. As good as this righteous indignation feels in the moment, it will feel so much better to just be free of him.

      3. I am admittedly not a “big theater fan”, but I do enjoy going to shows from time to time. But would you seriously be upset if your husband surprised you with tickets to a show? Yes, it is not ideal to have 3 tickets to a show and only 2 attendees, but like, wouldn’t you just laugh it off and try to unload the third ticket?

        1. I wouldn’t be “seriously upset” but I would be annoyed. It’s a big waste of money, and while my family is affluent, pissing away hundreds of dollars, which is what these shows can cost for decent seats, is still a pretty big deal to us. (I’ve never been able unload tickets for anything close to retail value. I gather some people have more success with it – I’m not sure if I just suck at it or live in a market where it’s particularly challenging. But I would expect to recover less than 30% of the original ticket price.)
          But I think a bigger issue is that the husband is “so mad” that OP’s not thrilled about the gift. Even if he had good intentions with buying the tickets, that’s a big reaction to have when someone isn’t thrilled with a gift you got them.

  18. I posted this on the moms page but thought this group may also be able to help me. Anyone here have a LQBTQ child? My 16 y.o. son recently came out to us. We knew this was coming (saw some texts) and he is already out at school. We fully support him: told him we love him, we’re so glad he told us, he’s still the same person, we’re here to support him, etc. He insists this is not that big of a deal (“it’s 2025, mom”) and doesn’t really want to talk about it. Honestly he seems completely fine, which is great. My brother (who is also gay) has also been in contact with my son to offer support. I’m wondering what if anything else we should be doing?

      3. What the what? I hope I am misinterpreting since it sounds like the above is a super mean spirited comment where you are suggesting she join a church and not accept her gay son? I’m Catholic/Christian but would leave any church asap if they suggested I could not love my child because of who he/she loves. It’s not a choice!

    2. If he’s fine, I’m not sure I’d make a big deal of it. He’s right that being LGBT in 2025 is different than it was in 1995 – likely he’s not the only one out at school. Also this may not matter too much or stir up too much conversation until he’s ready to date someone.

      1. Yeah I’d honestly try to not make too big a deal out of it and just treat him normally.

      2. Agree. Your effusive acceptance is probably embarrassing to him. For him and his peers it’s nbd.

      3. I get the sense that LGB is less of a deal, T is under attack politically but perhaps that’s less of a factor for a teenager if there is general social acceptance.

    3. My MIL recently broached a Serious Family Update to break the news that a cousin’s child came out, and how we Felt About It, and all that, in the wake of having been told by the parents. We (in our 40s) reacted with a giant shrug like ok? why was she being so dramatic about this? yes, some people are gay? The level of attention and concern and fuss and “is she ok” was what was noteworth, not the actual “news.”

      I can only imagine how the poor kid felt to be on the receiving end of so many Meaningful Talks from her parents. I imagine other teens, once out and assured as you described, really don’t want their parents talking about it that often.

      1. I’ve never heard the phrase Meaningful Talk used this way, but it resonates with me. I would have done anything to avoid them with my own parents. I’m pretty certain they didn’t even have the “how babies are made” talk with me because I was just not interested in an intense/meaningful conversation with them at any age.

    4. I’m 30 and if my generation sees it as nbd, idk why even younger kids would care.

      I’m bi and if I ever feel the need to come out, it’ll be because I’ve showed up somewhere with a girlfriend.

    5. Beyond what you’re already doing the best way to support him is to think carefully about how deal with those who don’t. Maybe you have zero maga uncles or aunts who think their religion gives them license to hate, but most of us have a few. He’s probably watching how you deal you them.

    6. My teenager told us they were gay recently as well. We haven’t made a big deal about it, apart from, “we love you, we’re here to support you, hey, let us know if you want to go to the pride parade with our church in June.” We have a few relatives who are gay and live in a very blue area.

      To be frank, I haven’t encouraged them to tell the grandparents because they may well tell the kid that they are too young to know, they can change their mind, etc., etc. But honestly I don’t think we need to make it into a crisis if it’s not feeling like a crisis to anyone in our immediate family.

      PS – I’m using the pronoun “them” for anonymity, they do not identify as nonbinary.

        1. some churches are really accepting of gay couples? like the one I attended as a kid, the choir director and organist (both male) were a married couple, and it was standard Presbyterian, not a new-age kind of thing. idk why everyone acts like The Church is one institution.

        2. They seem good with it. It’s an Episcopal church that had gay clergy before it was even cool in the Episcopal church. They enthusiastically help with making dinners for homeless youth in the church kitchen, sub in as an acolyte for church services, and help usher. The Sunday school director is married and gay, as are maybe 20% of the parishioners.

        3. This is kind of a weird question if it’s a gay-affirming church, which it sounds like it is. Why would they be bothered?

          1. It sounds like it’s a legitimately affirming church.

            There are churches that fall somewhere in between, or where the older congregants are more affirming than the young people.

    7. This was me a decade ago. You are doing great and I caution against doing more unless your kiddo asks you to. Mine had friends whose parents went overboard and it was not good for anyone. Remember what you put online is forever and should always be cleared with kid.

      Also, do not be surprised if your kid’s interest in leaning into this waxes and wanes (note: I am not suggesting they will change their mind!). Mine went from being the president of their school’s GSA to not wanting to join any organizations in college because they said that became all anyone saw and that being gay was not their entire personality.

      1. Co-sign. A kid’s classmate did this when the kid was 6-7 and wanted to be a girl. Radio, TV, protesting, going to the board of ed and the state capitol. The mom was everywhere as if it was her identity.

      2. This is important. It’s a better for you to let your actions and casual words speak, than to make a big deal of this. Don’t become a person who hinges support on your relationship. Support LGBTQ+ issues because love is love, not because “my son is gay”, when you talk to other people. Not saying that you do or will do this! Just that it’s something to be aware of, some people use people they know as a membership card to their opinion.

  19. Ugh I am a very fed up fed. Grateful to still have a job and still be able to serve the greater good but I am so fed up. The physical and mental toll of the stress is really wearing on me.

    If you’re not already involved in serving your community in some way, shape, or form it’s high time to start. The minority who has been bearing this burden (government and non profit snd healthcare and teachers and all sorts of jobs + those who volunteer for their community) is worn down. We can’t shoulder it on our own anymore. We have a free rider problem and a I’m not directly impacted so I’m not involved problem .

    You’re either part of the solution or you’re part of the problem.

      1. Come on. Something like 3% of the population shows up for community service or politics. My neighbor works daily serving others between the HOA, neighborhood safe group, local Democrats, planting trees and she has no children. I maybe do something extra once a month like protest or show up at a local community meeting, or street clean up, and I donate small amounts to causes. Actually, it is on my calendar to do one good thing a month that is not directly involved with me or my immediate family. That is not a lot.

        1. Can’t blame people for not being political these days. I vote and that’s it. There are ways to make a difference and politics just boils my blood and doesn’t fix anything. Unsubscribe. Math tutoring actually fixes a problem.

        2. In my experience, the people who are called to service do much much more than their fair share. I work in a disaster relief NGO. I’m one of the very few in my office who isn’t a veteran or alumni of Americorps or Peace Corps.

          I know my colleagues volunteer and are involved jn their communities because so am I and we run into each other in these settings.

          My other friends? Neither helping careers nor volunteering…

        3. Hassling people as part of the HOA and neighborhood safe group is not my idea of serving others. Planting trees sounds nice.

          1. Oh boy. Work on your bitterness, lad at 3:12. Maybe you need to go serve at a soup kitchen? I am so glad that we have people who keep up the pool and the front part of our neighborhood. Our safety group has informational days at the library on how to get ID, or get rights restore, we do clean up of the bust street, we bring Christmas presents every year to the kids at the nearby motel.

      2. As someone whose entire 20+ career (in addition to the volunteer years) has been in the public and non-profit sectors, I don’t relate to the burden the OP feels. To the best of our abilities, we do the things that suit our skill sets.

        1. I didn’t used to feel this way. But now my colleagues and I are scrambling to find resources and funding so our important programming can continue and it feels like no one else cares

          2. Yup. Providing food and shelter to those who lose their homes to disasters is only important to us!!!!

          3. Or people believe that their local community or government is better positioned to respond than the feds would be.

            It’s not that they don’t think the problem is worth solving. It’s that they don’t like how you’re solving it.

      3. Our airport has a team of volunteer chaplains. I’d love to be an administrative helper for them when I retire.

        1. Why not now? Airports operate on weekends and after hours so you volunteer in person then. I do a lot of my admin volunteering remotely from my couch at night too

          1. I already have a board and a kid-related leadership post (band booster) and can’t add until I subtract something. :(

    2. I think what’s happening to federal workers is awful and am also in a field that’s being completely destroyed (scientist at a state university), but I have no idea how you could possibly think that a post like this is what anyone needs right now. We need allies, not more enemies.

      1. Maybe scolding works on young people (it doesn’t seem to work on my GenZ kids FWIW), but it’s not going to get GenXers out doing things. Most of us were bullied, really bullied, so we’re pretty immune to neutral requests, much less demands on our time from unpleasant people.

    3. Blood donor here. I could use a more friends interested in a different kind of arm day :)

      And there are snacks after!

      1. I think asking people to give blood if they can is a very reasonable call to action. I don’t, but it’s because I never think of it, but I do know that once you’re on the Red Cross list, they won’t let you forget.

        1. I could say the same about being an NYU alumna. Their development people would have found Osama long before Seal Team 6.

      2. Yes! I go as often as I can! It’s such an easy, quick, and painless way to help!!!

      3. I go during my lunch break. It’s 45 minutes- I know that noy everyone medically can give blood, but for those who can there’s no excuse. It’s quick and easy

      4. As a regular donor with and O- blood type (universal donor), and who is cmv (cytomegalovirus) negative , let me especially urge my fellow O- people to go give blood. They will tell you if you are cmv negative or not. If you are, your blood is reserved for infants and immunosuppressed recipients. If you have cmv negativity and are O- , they call it “unicorn blood” and are very, very happy to see you.

      5. FWIW, my OB feels very strongly that menstruating women who exercise should not give blood, as she routinely sees chronic low ferritin in that population.

        1. (I’m talking serious exercise. I run 40 mpw and lift relatively heavy. I don’t think she means you do 20 minute Peloton 3x a week).

    4. You are getting some hate for this but your point is a good one. The vast majority of people do basically nothing – heck a lot of them cannot be bothered to vote.

      If everyone (or even half of the adults) did one thing a month for a couple of hours it would make such a huge difference. Because many hands make light work – but the burden on the small number of hands is getting more and more unsustainable. I work with a volunteer organization and the Baby Boomers who did the vast majority of our work for decades are dying or getting too old/ill to continue and we do not have nearly enough people to take their places.

      And I realize the excuses are endless – I have kids, I work full time, etc. – and I will excuse those of you with children under 5 or who are caretakers for a family member. But I and many of the people I volunteer with all balanced our volunteer work with raising children and working demanding jobs full-time. It can be done. It just takes intentionality and a willingness to make a relatively small sacrifice of time.

      One more thing – if you are someone who participates in an activity that requires volunteers, you need to contribute if you are physically able. Because I am really tired of people who are “just too busy” to help but whine endlessly when they are not happy with the level of service.

      1. I agree – you don’t help, you don’t get to complain about the level of service. Or you CAN complain, just know I’m not paying any attention unless it’s something like accessibility for the disabled or a genuine safety issue.

        Related: if you run an event and treat volunteers like sh*t/your servants, I’m going to finish out my shift and leave, never to return. Recently I volunteered to do something, got no instructions on how to do it, figured out a system, and some “board” member/supermom came by to yell at me that I was doing it all wrong. I cancelled my next volunteer shift and explained why in the comment section. Felt amazing.

      2. THIS!

        If everyone just did a few hours a month of serving others the works would be a better place!!!!

    5. Im in an organization that serves my community. I spend a ton of money and time doing this. We help families, buy kids Christmas presents, and send them to summer camp, fill their backpacks in September. I love it; it’s a luxury and a joy and I’m grateful I can be a part of it. It would never occur to lash out to others to step up in this way. I ask people to help because it’s fun and joyful and fulfilling. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but this is not how you get others volunteer.

    6. Are you a parent? Do you have dependents? A lot of people are just trying to take care of their own families, and that is a very good place to focus.

      1. I am the Anon at 2:02 and yes – I am a parent. I have a full-time job as an attorney. I had a sick parent (now sadly passed away). And even when kids were little, my dad was dying, and I was working as a litigator with a billable hour requirement, I managed to find a few hours a month to volunteer. I do more now that the kids no longer need hands-on care, and I have an in-house job but the inward focus so many people have where they are only concerned about their immediate family is not helping to create the world I want my kids to live in or setting the example I want them to have.

        1. Do you recognize that many people are not as high functioning as you are? Just getting food on the table for their family, cleaning the house, caring for their kids, and doing their job may completely max them out. The people on this board are merciless in their judgement and smug in their sense of self. Stop expecting everyone to be like you.

          1. Do you know what’s more important than a clean house or a big job?

            Giving back. Helping others. Building community.

          2. You are clueless if you think having a job is less important than volunteering. Yeah, my family going into debt is a real gift to society. My family living in filth will help my kids become functioning adults. I am helping others my caring for my family. You just don’t see that because you think those things are a given.

          3. I would rather have the clean house; communities are usually not broadly welcoming or inclusive or even safe for all kinds of people and aren’t interested in changing.

      1. I wonder how many more times they’re going to have to scold us for our perceived sins before they get tired and move on.

  20. European travel question. I don’t want to carry a backback but want something large enough for an umbrella or poncho, wrap and bottle. Thinking maybe a small cross body plus a kightweight fabric tote that both DH and I could carry. Or does a front carry bag that is larger make sense? I don’t want to be bogged down AND I don’t want to be without whatever I want during long days.

    1. I understand you don’t want to carry a back pack. I’ll only chime in to say I’ve tried every other kind of bag for the type of packing you suggest, and now older and wiser I will only travel with a small/medium sized backpack and a small crossbody (that I can shove into my backpack).

    2. I was just there and I had a larger crossbody with wallet, sunglasses in big case, makeup, liter water bottle, hand sanitizer, lotion, glasses cleaning wipes, etc. Also room for a scarf but it would be tight. I didn’t find it too heavy (nylon).

    3. The Uniqlo sling bag is perfect for this. Super light weight, and has room for a lot more than you’d think.

    4. Is DH opposed to a backpack? We have DH carry rain coats/water bottles in a small-medium backpack if we’re touring around a city all day. I carry a small – medium purse.

    5. I find museums and such are more likely to let a real tote bag stay with you (like a Longchamp) vs. an obvious “reusable shopping tote” kind of bag, if that matters.

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