ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 172 Comments

Coffee Break: Hawaii Flats

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

black slingback flat

These slingback flats from Naturalizer look great — sleek with the pointed toe, yet comfortable with lots of cushioning. If you, like me, walk out of a lot of your shoes due to narrow heels, a mid-vamp strap like the one here is often key to making shoes keepers for me.

The shoes come in black, red, and a white/beige combo — and in medium, wide, and narrow sizes.

They're $89, available at Zappos, Nordstrom, DSW, Naturalizer, and others.

Sales of note for 5/23/25:

172 Comments

  1. Those are cute. 50/50 on whether the heel strap would actually stay in place for me, though.

    1. Agreed. Except it’s more like 0/100 for me. Slingbacks are just a question of when, not if, the heel strap will end up just flapping around underfoot. Tight enough to avoid that = feels like my Achilles is being severed.

  2. Where in Canada would make a good destination for a US Thanksgiving break trip for parents and one college kid meeting up from the SEUS and the Midwest? Our French is not great.

    1. What do you like to do? None of the major cities in QC require french all service workers are fully bilingual

        2. Walk around? Won’t anywhere in Canada be super cold that time of year? Savannah or Charleston or Harper’s Ferry would be better options.

          1. I guess it depends on your definition of ‘super cold’ but I would be happy outside (with a coat!) pretty easily.

            I personally think Halifax, Quebec City and Montreal are the most interesting to just walk around. Also partial to Ottawa because parliament is just beautiful and there’s a majestic beauty walking down Wellington.

          2. Harper’s Ferry is a day trip, not a destination location. I think the OP should 1. not be afraid of the cold, 2. go to Quebec!

        3. Whether or not you speak French is irrelevant for short tourist trip. Like speaking a few phrases will be polite but the service industry will quickly make it clear you can conduct all your business in English very easily.

          We enjoyed Montreal for a 3-day getaway. But tbh with the world as your oyster for Thanksgiving, I’d meet up in London instead of Canada. Get a dose of that early, delightful, British holiday decor, and with fewer Americans competing for those flights that weekend, you might find some good fares.

    2. Banff/Lake Louise? Beautiful even if you’re not skiers.

      Vancouver and Vancouver Island will not be cold but will be a bit rainy.

      Christmas markets in Europe are also quite nice that time of year and doable as a 4-5 day trip if you stick with direct flights and one or two cities.

      1. Would Banff/Lake Louise have reliable skiing in late November?

        The destination must be Canadian, so Europe or US locations are out.

      3. +1 on European Christmas markets and it looks like you can get some pretty good flight deals. I’m paying $1,300 per person to go over our kid’s winter break and that was with flexible dates within a 3 week window, but it looks like flights are <$500 over Thanksgiving.

  3. Anyone have to deal with a lot of contact allergies? Wondering if you can give me some product recs or websites you like to reference.

    I am now allergic to fragrances (!) and sulfites (used as preservatives in a lot of lotions/creams apparently). Honestly, trying to remove all fragrances from my life (as the doctor instructed) is leaving me more than a bit sad.

    I have an App that the doctor recommended to scan every product to see if it’s safe for me (they encoded my allergies in advance), but it doesn’t even have a lot of my products in its data base.

    I’m particularly interested if you have any make-up line recs, or shampoo/ conditioner favorites. I washed my hair last night with the Whole Foods fragrance free shampoo and my hair is so blah today.

    1. Honestly, the Skin Safe app is going to be your best bet. If something isn’t on there (which is pretty rare for me), then read the ingredients and add it to your list. There is no easy “buy Brand X for everything.”

      1. I am easily worried. So my main envy is that they will have an easier time if the economy goes into recession, they will have to worry less about their pensions and thin like that. It is not so much that they have more opportunities in everyday life, traveling or nice stuff. what about you?

      2. Thanks – I don’t know this App. The App my doctor uses is ACDS Camp. The doctor entered the specific molecules I am allergic to first, and then sends me a link to download my specific App version. Then you scan a product or enter its name, and it will tell you if it contains any of my Bad ingredients, highlight the bad molecules in red.

        I’ll check out Skin Safe App too. Thanks again.

    2. It’s going to be a lot of label reading! These things tend to be highly individual, though people do compare notes online (in places like FB groups and subreddits).

      I found that some doctors were more focused on identifying triggers and managing symptoms, while they didn’t do as much digging into why this was happening in the first place. I’m much less sensitive now that some underlying conditions were diagnosed and addressed by other specialists, so if you get any seemingly unrelated symptoms, keep bringing them up in case there’s a broader context (maybe you already know that there is).

      1. Thanks for this. Good thinking – I do have a “big picture” context, and I am treated that too (immunosuppression). I was ignoring my new symptoms thinking it was all one pot. But turns out I’m developing these new allergies unfortunately. I also suspect this isn’t just a coincidence…

    3. you might try looking up “fragrance free curly hair products” – a lot of them are sulfate free and also fragrance free, they might also be sulfite free?

    4. I would start with the “clean” makeup brands. They often are fragrance free and have fewer ingredients. It might easier to find something there.

    5. It looks like Brigeo has a fragrance free shampoo. I like the other products from them that I have tried.

  4. Heading to Florence with a friend in October—does anyone have any reccs for a cooking class in town? Two adults, experienced home cooks, willing to spend up to half a day on it, no budget at this point because I have no idea what the range might be. Thanks!

    1. My friend Chandi lives in Florence and is a certified Florentine guide and she can help you out. I have done cooking classes with her. Her website is ParadiseofExiles(dot) com. If she is in town during that time i HIGHLY recommend also booking a tour with her if you want to learn detailed history of the city. She knows Florence incredibly well and loves it. She is also fun and can customize a tour depending on your interests.

      1. I hit enter too soon and realized i was not clear here – just to clarify – my friend does not teach the cooking classes but she and I attended one together and she can help you book a fantastic one. Our chef’s name in the class we took was Dionysus! It was awesome and he was great.

  5. does anyone have any suggestions on good FIRE websites or books? starting to get interested…

    2. It’s been a while since I read this stuff, and neither of these sites post much anymore, but Mr Money Mustache and Frugalwoods are classics that were good for learning the basics and getting me inspired. Now I just save and don’t really feel the need to read the same stuff over and over so I haven’t really kept up with everyone else trying to monetize FIRE content.

      1. Isn’t trying to monetize FIRE content an essential part of the FIRE lifestyle? I had a colleague who was into FIRE and she was always trying to market herself on the side as a “FIRE educator.”

        1. I know that this is the joke people always make about FIRE, but no more than everyone reading here is trying to monetize fashion content, though obviously there are plenty of people that do. There are a ton of people that post in the forums and comments, almost none of them are running their sites or making money off it.

    3. Jacob Lund Fisker from Early Retirement Extreme has a good cache of content. He’s definitely more on the detailed math-y side vs. Mr. Money Mustache who’s a bit more accessible, but ERE was one of the first sites I read in this vein.

      My DH also enjoys the Fat FIRE subreddit (all the grains of salt when consuming this content).

      You might also like FIRECalc, it’s a site where you can put in your estimated portfolio, spend rate as a ratio of assets, and time horizon. It runs all the scenarios with the last 50-100 years of stock market data and gives a bunch of results about whether you break even, run out of money, or have plenty of money at the end of your time horizon.

  6. How do you deal with feeling like your job is pointless?

    I’ve already leaned way out, but still feel like my soul dies a little each day.
    Changing job not an option due to immigration restrictions.

    1. In situations like this, I think you have to tie it to your higher values. E.g., My personal mission is to treat everyone with respect and openness. I value high quality and consistent output. Etc. Whatever speaks to you.

    2. Find ways to brighten other areas of your life: join organizations or clubs that are meaningful to you and that you get excited about.

    3. It’s not coal mining.
      It pays well enough to cover my bills.
      It isn’t forever.
      I have a very good life compared to most humans who have ever existed.

      2. This. Job is for money to pay the bills.

        Family, friends and hobbies are for fun and fulfillment.

    4. “it’s called work for a reason” and then find ways to brighten your home life!

    5. pointless is not so bad. find some ways to make meaning, ideally find them at work (is there someone below you, you could mentor? any project or change you could lean into) but otherwise find something outside of the office that feels valuable and purpsoseful.

    6. Instead of looking for any kind of meaning in a pointless job, remember why you’re actually there – money. Remembering that you do your job for money, not purpose or joy or whatever the college career offices wanted us to believe that we were doing jobs for so we didn’t talk so much about the money part. You do your job for money to pay for the life you want to live. Use some of the money to do things that makes your soul feel alive, and find ways to incorporate that into your daily life so you can remember that you are doing your job for that.

  7. I get jaloux of my best friends who are much better of. It is stupid, because I would much rather live my own life, than the lives they live, because both have sorrows and losses I do not have. But when I worry about the future, it is hard not to be envious. Advice? thanks 

    1. The antidote to jealousy is gratitude. Notice what you have, and appreciate it. Keep practicing that day after day. Over time, those things will take up more and more of the foreground and what you think you don’t have will recede.

    2. ‘It is stupid, because I would much rather live my own life, than the lives they live, because both have sorrows and losses I do not have.’ — I think you answered your own question. We are all a sum of our lived experiences, you cant have just the good from someone and leave the bad. Whenever I start to feel envy for someone else’s life, I think about all the stuff I would not want that comes with it in their life or consider all the stuff I would never give up in mine.

    3. You can also consider the saying that “comparison is the thief of joy,” and take it to heart.

  8. Any good continental US based babymoon destinations for summer? My ideal is south of France in May, I don’t want too hot. Would love a relaxing hotel with a beautiful pool.

    1. where are you located? honestly a relaxing hotel with a beautiful pool should be accessible within an hour of your home. any home. why travel? save your money for the hotel or a nice meal….

      1. I’m in NYC. I would like to travel a bit because I enjoy it! But if you’ve got a suggestion I am all ears!

        2. Woodstock Inn in Vermont. Salt water pool, good spa, nice small town to wander around

          1. Eh the pool there is nothing special. It’s a nice hotel and Woodstock is lovely (especially in the fall) but I wouldn’t recommend it to someone for whom the pool is a priority. There are much cheaper resorts and hotels with better pools.

    2. If you want continental US and not too hot in July/August you’re pretty much limited to Maine and the Mountain West. We love the Acadia region, although there aren’t super fancy hotels there.

      3. Or anywhere in coastal California. I’d do Bacara Resort in Santa Barbara. It may have changed names but that should get you to the same place. Gorgeous pool.

      4. I wouldn’t do anything on the west coast in August. There is too high a likelihood of wildfires. The upper midwest would also work, but not worth traveling from NYC for

        1. I think that’s overblown as a concern and I live in Sonoma County. Yes, there is a “fire season” but the whole coast doesn’t burn every year. It’s not a hellscape come August annually. I think you can very comfortably make plans and if you have to pivot, you do that. Who’s not booking refundable tickets these days anyway.

    3. I went to Tiara Yaktsa in the Riviera for my honeymoon. It’s a gorgeous location with a beautiful view, you can walk down a winding hill w sidewalks (maybe a quarter mile?) to a public beach and corner stores. The hotel itself has a nice pool.

      In Provence and spendy (they’re all spendy) L’Oustau de Baumaniere. Easily the nicest hotel I will ever stay at. There are two gorgeous pools, an on-site Michelin starred restaurant, and you can walk to Les Baux-de-Provence, where there is a ruined castle on a hill (it’s a hike) with shops, restaurants, and history.

    5. Terranea Resort in Palos Verdes, south of Los Angeles, is GORGEOUS and has a beautiful pool overlooking the beach. And the spa is divine. Not cheap but fantastic.

      1. Cosign this–my parents live next door. PV is stunning in summer and it’s an easy hop from LAX to there in a rental car.

      2. Terranea is a great option. The Montage Laguna Beach is also nice. There are direct flights from Newark and JFK to Orange County airport.

        Closer to NYC, the Wauwinet in Nantucket is very relaxing, though it doesn’t have a pool.

    7. The Fairmont in Berkeley is great and has a great pool.
      If that’s too far, Martha’s Vineyard is lovely assuming you’re not too worried about needing something complicated at a hospital.

  9. Was musing over this with friends the other day. When I was dating, a typical first or second date question was, do you like your job? I was a biglaw associate at the time. I truthfully answered, “there are a lot of annoying things about my job like the hours and unpredictability, but there is nowhere else I could make what I make so I can pay off my student loans quickly. I plan to move into something less lucrative but with more humane hours once my loans are paid off.” This response pretty universally turned off men. I guess they wanted to hear, yes this is my passion. It was also clear to me that they had no concept of how much money I was talking about. They thought it was unimaginable that I would plan to take a pay cut and I got some condescending responses about that. They also assumed they made more than me even if they were making five figures.

    Other friends have had similar experiences. We were discussing whether the reactions were reasonable – you don’t want to date someone who’s unhappy at work – or rooted in sexism – like a woman couldn’t possibly make so much out of school that it’s worth a short term sacrifice to pay off debt. Or maybe a little of both. Thoughts?

    1. First of all, I’d quote my former therapist who used to say “most men are unsuitable,” and think you dodged some bullets.

      That said, maybe it was too much detail early on? Have you thought about something like, “eh, it has significant drawbacks but the money is great so I’m hanging in there for now.”

      Also I am super into the Burned Haystack Dating Method (do a search) these days (from the sidelines) and I’m sure she’d have a lot to say about this question!

      2. Your hypothetical response is basically what I used to say on dates. “There are things I like about it and some things I don’t. I don’t think I’ll stay in this job long term but it’s fine for another few years.” I assume the guy is gauging whether you’re miserable, a workaholic, or committed long term to a job that he considers an incompatibility.

    2. IDK, I think it’s kind of a red flag when men express unhappiness with their careers/living situations/friends/etc. early on though I guess you do mitigate that by having a plan for future happiness. I’ve learned through experience that ideally I want someone who’s generally happy with their life and in a good place (because I’ve already done the work to get there on my own). I think many people do.

    3. sorry, that answer is just… not super appealing? like you could have said “oh man, the hours are crazy, but I’m learning a ton and my fave clients are in the [banking industry] so I hope to find an in-house spot there as my next step” and have it sound positive, rather than like “I’m biding my time for a few years before taking a pay cut”

      1. This is a good script. It sounds much more positive and future-oriented, rather than defeated and like you’re biding your time (even if that’s true).

        1. The thing is though, you’re dating to find your person not any old person and it’s not a job interview. The right person is going to like your real answers to questions. I also don’t believe it’s ever too early to show who you really are. Does it take longer? Maybe. Do you have a lot more first dates? Probably. Is it ultimately better? Absolutely.

          1. idk, on an early date, the other person has very little perspective on your overall attitude toward life. That original answer sounds like you view things generally from the “what about this is negative” side.

            I mean, if you are generally a negative person, I guess you might as well weed out people that don’t like that, but if you AREN’T generally a negative person, that’s not the impression that you’d want to give off…

          2. Different take: some of being the right person is having social awareness and respecting boundaries. (I say this as a total introverted nerd.) Yes, I want someone who can make pleasant small talk when necessary, and tbh, it was a huge red flag that my ex-husband struggled with this.

            Also consider why the person is asking the question. They want to find out if you’re going to be grumpy when you arrive home from work, or if you genuinely enjoy what you do. Are you someone who got through school being a good little apple polisher and lacks curiosity, or do you thrive on an intellectual challenge?

    4. Agree with posters above, both about it being so much info, and about it being rather negative. When I worked in biglaw, for similar reasons, the work was unpredictable and often not fun, but I also worked on really interesting cases and learned a lot. That’s what I’d have said. Also, future plans aren’t really what they’re asking about on the second date.

    5. What’s missing from your answer: any joy or fun challenges you get from your job. You should be doing some interesting, sophisticated work, right? Learning a lot? Your counterpart attorneys are all intelligent? Your clients are largely smart, savvy people and you can learn a lot about their business?

      BigLaw is also a great launching pad for other jobs in government and in-house.

      So, I think a better answer would be the positives of working there, any fun challenges, pay is great, well positioned to make a move to high level government or in house. Hours suck but there’s always trade offs.

      Now for the controversial part: I caution everyone against talking money on the first few dates. Grifters might want to find out how large your bank account balance is; people who are worried about being grifted won’t like hearing that you plan on taking a massive pay cut. Man, woman, Bruiser Woods in the park in Washington DC – don’t talk money on the first few dates.

    6. I think that’s a completely off-putting response for a 2nd date (or even a future date) and I probably wouldn’t want a 3rd date if a man said this. Unhappy, often unavailable, and in lots of debt? Where do I sign up? [Not] … So I see nothing sexist in their responses. And I say this as a former BigLaw associate and now midlaw partner, there were way better ways to answer this question while still being relatively honest about the drawbacks.

    7. That exact question never came up when I was dating, but when I would talk about my tech career I think most men found it intimidating due to the money aspect. There’s a lot of sexism around salary discrepancy. I felt like most men would have preferred to slightly outearn me.

      1. This is how I feel. I have a somewhat senior technical role, and zero imposter syndrome or whatever about it, and men do not seem to like that.

  10. How to not be jealous of people who are making more money than you? I am surrounded by incredibly rich people and though there’s nothing in their life I envy, I feel like they are ‘winning’ at life, as though salary and net worth are points in a scale. I can afford everything I want and more, and have more money than I ever thought I’d have. Yet seeing people make so much more makes it feel like I will never measure up or like what I’m doing doesn’t count or will never be enough.

    1. Sounds like you need some poor friends so you can realize you’re the rich friend in those relationships.

    2. One of my primary mantras is comparison is the thief of joy.

      Also stop looking at social media of rich people. You don’t say that that’s a factor, but just a hunch.

      1. I actually don’t have social media. There isn’t anyone I meet who’s lives ‘look’ better than mine, but then I’ll hear what someone’s stock options might be worth if their company exits and I feel like I’m ‘losing.’

        1. Maybe get some normal friends or change the topic. I know exactly one person who constantly talks about money and it’s a running joke between my husband and me.

        2. LOL what kind of life do you live where people are regularly talking about their stock options? That is not how most people live.

          1. It’s super common in my professional circles. I think it would be reasonably common in a circle with a lot of tech people or executives for this to be openly discussed. It’s how you evaluate and compare a significant source of compensation in employment offers.

    3. I struggle with this too, especially with friends, see my post just a little before yours

      1. I just saw that! I wish we were getting more advice haha. How rich are your friends / what kinds of things trigger you about their lives?

        1. It’s a combination of the response to the “I hate my job” post. Compared to the vast majority of humans, past and present t, you and your friends probably have it pretty good. It’s all ca comparison within a pretty small band. And comparison is the thief of joy

          I am the friend who makes the least. But I chose my job / path for a reason and I would hate their jobs / career. Everyone’s life is different, it’s never going to be identical, and tbh you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors anyways

    4. There is always going to be somebody richer, prettier, smarter, more successful than you. “Comparison is the thief of joy” is a cliche for a reason.

      1. I live in an area where some people make nesting yacht money. I was just never drawn to finance, so just have to shrug and observe it from a distance.

    5. Your last sentence, in particular, reveals where the problem lies. You’re attaching your self-worth to material success. That’s worth exploring and resolving. Once you do, these feelings will probably be less powerful.

    6. I’m not jealous because when I made more money I had a very stressful job so the money went to buying time and helping me keep sane. I’m much more content with making less money but still a good living. At a certain point, more money comes with more problems. Sure people who are wealthy have great vacations and lots of fancy stuff but it doesn’t exempt them from the human experience: illness, depression, marital strife, family problems, etc. I think the key to a happy life is look for the beauty in the everyday moments that surround you – a laugh with a fun coworker, a perfect cup of tea, a beautiful sunset.

    7. I went to a holiday gathering at a distant relative’s house. You could fit my 800 square foot condo into just the kitchen/butlers pantry/catering kitchen with space left over. I left having had a great time, but with some big feelings to process. The relative in question is kind, affable, and a thoroughly decent person. They work hard and play (family sports) hard. Though I am about 90% content with my life, it’s hard not to be envious. I’ve had to just sit with my feelings then face forward in my life and move on. Still kind of envious though if I’m being honest.

    8. I wonder if you live in the wrong place. I know “just move” is kind of flippant advice but some communities (even within the same city and general tax bracket) are much more into keeping up with the Jones than others. I live in a pretty affluent area with a lot of people who are doing well enough and I’ve never heard anyone discuss stock options.

    9. Lean in on the non-material things that make you happy if you ca. For me that’s the arts, particularly books (which are pretty accessible to most people financially).

    10. At this time last year, DH and I had a HHI approaching 500k. Right now it’s ~1/4 of that and nothing is certain after September. I am far happier now than I was then. Money is not winning, it’s just freedom. It sounds like you have enough money to be free to make choices you enjoy, so you’ve already won. echoing everyone else, comparison is the thief of joy.

  11. I never really had reactions to mosquito bites as a kid, but the past few years, my body has decided it hates mosquitos, and I get pretty bad welts that take a week or more to go down any time I’m bitten. Cortisone, Afterbite, calamine lotion, and benadryl lotions help the itching some but don’t really cause the swelling to go down. Anyone got any ideas for other remedies that will decrease the swelling faster?

        1. It’s amazing but you need to use it right away, I carry it with me in my purse at all times in the summer.

    2. The bug bite thing, icing a bug bite, and putting a pimple patch (or cut up piece of hydrocolldial bandage) on bites have been the biggest game changers for me. We started with pimple patches on my kids when they were young to keep them from scratching and whoa, I did NOT expect them to pull out so much gunk!

    3. I have reacted to bug bites my entire life like I’ve been attacked by a creature from the great beyond. Bugs LOVE me and I swell up with big angry red welts. It’s awful. The Bug Bite Thing is amazing for me. Like sucking spider venom out after a bite, the idea is that it pulls the bug’s “saliva” to the very top layer of skin where it won’t bother you as much vs deeper where it settled and your body can react. I’ve used the BBT for years and keep them everywhere – I have one in my purse, one in my car, one at my desk, one in the kitchen junk drawer… Lifesaver for me!

    4. I have found some of the green mosquito repellent gels to be a lot easier to use than bug spray. If you haven’t already updated that part of your routine, that might help.

  12. What kind of jeans would you recommend for an “updated” look but…I am “petite” in length and overall slim. I have a pair of Old Navy light wash wide leg jeans in petite. They fit great but look SO weird/wide/loose on me. Is there an inbetween style (budget option) between really wide leg and skinny? Also light wash preferred (all my other jeans are dark).
    BRF has a pair but sold out in petite……open to ideas! Thanks!

    1. Old Navy has approximately a million options. Their loose or straight leg or boot cut all fit the bill.

    2. I like Kut from the Kloth’s boyfriend jeans. Slim in the hip and thigh, but just enough extra material in the calf to make them obviously not “skinny.”

    3. I got a pair of jeans recently from American Eagle, of all places, which I hadn’t been in since like 2000. Low-rise kick jeans, which is just their name for bootcut. Only comes in a lightish/mediumish wash, and despite the “low-rise” name, it’s really more of a medium rise. They have different inseam length options.

    4. I really like the Kut from the Kloth Meg wide-leg jeans, which are available in petite sizes. They are fitted at the top so they don’t look sloppy like some other wide-leg jeans, and they’re slightly cropped for a more proportionate look on a smaller person. They run huge so order down 1-2 sizes for a good fit.

    5. Counterpoint: This loose, baggy style is not for everyone. I have proportionally short legs for my height (5’8″) and this style just does not do it for me. I much prefer a good flare or bootcut, as it shows my actual shape.

    6. I’m also short and relatively small, and (oddly perhaps?) I find barrel cut jeans to be a good compromise between the volume of wide legs and updating the slim slook. On the rack they look funny, but on the body they look wider legged but without too much fabric flapping around the ankles. Instead they just sort of look appropriately slouchy if that makes sense. A key point is to find the rise that’s right for you – most high rises are too high for me, so I look for what is called mid or even low nowadays (not at all what mid or low were back in the 00s!)

      I’m in the UK, but I just bought some from Next in cream for a summer look and have an older pair from Boden that I’m currently wearing.

  13. Jean jackets, like the traditional trucker jacket type: Are they classic enough to be always in, or are they an out and should be put away for a few seasons? If they are out, what takes their place?

    1. Right now big baggy jean jackets are in style and my classic-fit ones are put away waiting to come back into fashion, which they inevitably will. Most of the gigantic jackets look dumpy and/or silly on my petite self, but the Pilcro one from Anthro is okay with the sleeves rolled up.

    2. Hmmm. I hate them but they’ve been around as long (probably longer) as my 40 year old memory can recall. If it’s a part of your style, you can rock it safely forever.

  14. Might try again tomorrow but I need to wean quickly and Sudafed isn’t drying anything up (such an irony as an undersupplier). Any other tricks to try? I’ve been resisting the thought of slimy cabbage leaves but I’ll do it if I have to.

    1. Alternate between hot and cold compresses, take OTC pain meds, and don’t be afraid to hand express just a bit to let off some pressure.

    2. There are medications your doctor can prescribe—I think cabergoline is one.

    3. Don’t do slimy cabbage leaves. Do fresh cabbage leaves straight out of the fridge. Ahhhhh…..

    6. How quick? What worked for me was stopping breastfeeding, and expressing only just enough to get comfortable (ie not empty). It took a few days though. I think the lack of a child suckling helped, because production was so emotionally/hormonally influenced (for me, at least).

  15. May make this post again tomorrow to get more opinions – I feel stuck in our apartment that is old, falling apart, and very cheap. Anything larger is going to more than double our rent. It is possible we could afford it, but it would require cutting back significantly (clothes, buying lunch, cars, travel, etc.) So which would you prefer, a nice place to live with much less disposable income OR an apartment that’s old and falling apart but you have the extra income for the nice-to-have things in life?

    1. This is just me, but my surroundings and home make a big difference in my level of happiness. I would personally forgo other creature comforts in favor of a nicer home, but I think this calculus looks different for everyone.

    2. Oof, that’s a tough one. I will say I’ve been house poor and I didn’t much like it. If you have to give up EVERYTHING else, I’d say that’s not a good trade off.

      1. I was VERY house poor in my 20s since I bought a co-op young. It’s one thing to pass on trips/dinners but it was tough when it was things like ‘take cat to emergency vet’ or ‘pay mortgage’. I wouldn’t make that decision again without having a better emergency fund but it did work out ok in the end.

    3. It depends on how frivolous your spending currently is. My new apartment is $700 more than my old apartment, which felt like way too much. Until I realized I was spending hundreds a month on things I didn’t care about, like coffee shops and Ubers, when I could make tea at home and take the bus with no quality of life sacrifice. It’s bene a huge quality of life improvement to move into my new place and well worth not spending wantonly on random things.

      Cooking lunch at home is an easy switch, and limiting shopping can be an opportunity to embrace a more simple lifestyle. But only you can know if it would feel like a sacrifice. I wouldn’t sacrifice my quality of life for an apartment I couldn’t easily afford, but I would absolutely cut down spending on things I don’t really care about to afford a much nicer place.

    4. Is option C – ‘cut back as if you were in a nicer apartment and bank the savings for a downpayment’ an option? I’d have a tough time cutting ‘fun’ stuff to the bone for a nicer rental but I’d do it more easily for something I owned.

      1. I’m not interested in cutting back as if I was in the nicer apartment when there’s no way of knowing how many years that would take before I could actually afford a home. How long do you think it takes to save up a down payment, especially at the rate home prices are outpacing inflation and wages? I have saving for a down payment budgeted in our current expenses, but if anything I’m less hopeful about the odds now than I was 5 years ago when I started saving.

        1. This is why we chose to move away from a market where all-cash offers were common, put down 5%, and pay PMI. It just wasn’t possible to compete with all the people with rich parents and the dual biglaw/finance types in a big wealthy metro area, and it was not realistic to think we could ever get a 20% down payment saved up with the rate at which prices were rising.

    5. You mean you’d need to cut all 4 of those categories to make it work? It would have to be a REALLY awful apartment for me to give up at least 3 of the 4 (car, I couldn’t care less about having anything fancy or new).

      1. Cut back, but not completely cut out. Packing lunch for work instead of buying it but still going out to eat with my husband occasionally, thrifting clothes instead of buying new, putting off getting a car until the old one is dying instead of at 200,000 miles, that sort of thing.

    6. Also is fixing up the current apartment a bit an option? I know the conventional wisdom is don’t spend money improving somebody else’s property, but if it improves your quality of life and is cheaper than moving it might be worth it.

      1. This is what I’d do. Also, ruthlessly clean out your stuff and upgrade some of the big things like your couch and bed and decorate. When you eventually move you can take those things with you and it’s amazing what a coat of bright white paint can do for a place.

        1. This is what I would do, and did in the past.

          I actually talked with my landlord about it, and they paid for the paint/materials when I re-did the floors and painted.

    7. We chose option 3: leave the big city with overpriced nasty rental housing and no possibility of ever affording to purchase.

    8. Can you put a little time and money into your apartment? I would always change door knobs, cabinet knobs, maybe add some trim, paint etc to all my apartments and they made them significantly nicer for very little investment. I never asked permission from landlords and always got my deposit back.

    9. I’d hesitate to cut back that much just to pay more rent – the answer would maybe be different if I were thinking of buying. Can you fix up your old apartment? Keep an eye on apartment therapy – they offer many good renter-friendly fixes.

    10. Depending on exactly what is wrong with your current space, I might split the difference by spending some money to spruce the place up. EG, if it’s drafty. get some luxurious drapes/rugs (bonus you can bring those with you when you eventually move). If it’s ugly, spring for nicer art and lamps (lighting makes such a difference in making a place look nice!). HOWEVER, if by “falling apart” you mean things like: constant pest infestations, non-functioning plumbing/heat, locks don’t properly secure the exterior doors, leaky ceiling, mold… then those are health and safety issues that cut more towards spending more on a more expensive place. Like the other poster, for me, having surroundings and home that make me feel safe and cozy are big factors for me in terms of my overall well being. Back when I was too broke to afford anything but the cheapest spot, the curtains, art, etc all made a big difference to me. (I was lucky to get a lot of hand me downs and second hand thrift store stuff).

    11. I have minimum standard. So I’m in a small one bedroom with a baby but it is safe, clean, well maintained etc. Falling apart is simply something I am not doing, I work too hard to spend my life in a place that isn’t safe and sound.

    12. I think really depends on your personal priorities. I don’t care that much about having a large or nice looking home, but I spend a lot of time at home and do care about it being quiet and because I cook a lot, I care about the kitchen being functional, so I’m willing to spend for those things. I don’t really care about spending money on eating out (I’d much rather spend that on a nicer kitchen), on travel (I’d rather love where I live than want to get way), and have no interest in cars other than that they get me from A to B reasonably reliably and safely. My budget reflects those priorities. On the other hand, you don’t want to have a large fixed cost like rent or mortgage taking up TOO much of your income, even if I’m probably comfortable spending more on that than a lot of people.

      1. Agree with this. I also get a kick out of saving money, and I think that needs to be part of the equation if you are going to do this. Like, oooo, I just saved $10 by taking 10 minutes to make lunch. That’s like earning $60/hour. Or shopping on Thredup or Poshmark or Facebook marketplace, buying groceries in quantity when things you like go on sale, etc. Some of us enjoy the hunt.

        One thing I will say for having a crappy apartment – it does make it easier not to worry about things. When we had a rent-stabilized place with crumbling grout, I never worried about it getting stained when I let my son paint in the tub. Now that I OWN my grout, it’s my problem. Are there positives to your current place?

        1. Oh, definitely. Amazing pantry, some great neighbors, and a pretty roomy bathroom. But the actual living space is cramped, especially as my baby is now a toddler, and the peeling paint and lack of AC and yard that the apartment manager never mows and crumbling concrete and rotting carport are the downsides.

          1. peeling paint is concerning, especially with a toddler… get some lead test kits at your local hardware store, lookup lead laws in your jurisdiction, and probably demand that your LL remediate. If you are in MA, the lead laws are very tenant friendly.

    13. I would choose the nicer place, but I generally seem to make worse financial decisions than most people here. It just wouldn’t be worth the misery to me.

  16. Gift ideas for my male cousin about to graduate from law school, in the $100-ish range? I’m also a lawyer so want to do something, but we’re a big family and don’t typically do $$$$ gifts (so much more expensive would be weird). Do kids these days still carry business cards?

    1. I got a hard-backed Black’s Law Dictionary which my lawyer family member put a cool nameplate in. I really liked it.

      1. Nice idea – was the nameplate like a paper sticker, or something more substantial?

      2. With all due respect, I wouldn’t do this. First, most law students use a law dictionary, if at all, when they start law school, not at the end of it. Second, I feel like no one uses a book for this anymore, given the online resources. I don’t have a great suggestion – maybe offer to frame his diploma or a piece of art for his office?

        1. Some people like nice, tangible things! Just because the internet exists doesn’t mean nobody likes this kind of thing.

          1. I’m kinda with the commenter, it’s the sort of traditional gift you keep because someone got it for you and eventually toss. All the traditional gifts are in this vein – I’d go with something more fun and unrelated to law. It’s the life event equivalent of buying someone something for their hobby. You won’t get it right and they’d probably rather have a gift card for a meal out and a bottle of bubbles.

    2. -gift card so he can get some favorite takeout while bar studying – or a huge hamper full of fun snack food
      -Framebridge gift card so he can get his diploma framed (might be more like $150 depending on how large)
      -tech stuff? Airpods? A nice webcam & mic for WFH? (Biglaw probably issues this stuff, but not everywhere…)
      -did he work previously / would a gift card for some work attire be useful?
      -I would not get a business card case, seems like most guys keep a few just in a jacket pocket if any

  17. Someone suggested recently that I have an uneasy relationship with achievement. I think that’s probably true. I have a natural drive to achieve and do, but I also get burned out easily and often question whether the effort is worth it. I didn’t think I was conflating my self-worth with achievement, but maybe I am? Otherwise, why am I not able to make lasting changes that are better for my mental health and wellbeing? For me, it’s not about the hours actually worked; it’s that work is on my mind even during my personal time. I figure at least some of you can relate. Would love to know if, and how, you fixed it.

    1. You need something besides your job to think about. A dog, a sport, a DIY project, a hobby…

    2. I went to therapy and switched to a lower stress job

      I reminded myself that I am not saving lives

      I realized no one else would prioritize my health and mental well-being; I had to do that myself

      I wrote down silly mantras every day like “you are worthy exactly as you are”

      I focused more of my energy on my friends, family, and hobbies

  18. Anyone ever felt like giving feedback to the board of a volunteer-run organization was worth it? It’s a community group without paid staff.

    I’m cycling off the board this spring. I’ve been on the board for several years and had a couple of different positions. There are one, maybe two more meetings before we break for the summer.

    My guess is that the current chair will use these year-end meetings to reflect on how things aren’t working well in the organization. I agree that things aren’t going well. However, I think the current chair’s policies and general lack of leadership are the reason.

    I’ve butted heads with the current chair a few times, but I don’t think she dislikes me more than any other member of the board. Should I offer some diplomatic feedback? Skip the meetings and go to the movies? Sit on the call, smile, and nod?

Comments are closed.