Thursday’s Workwear Report: Pintuck Shell Top
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Everything about this pintuck shell from J.Crew is calling my name. The detailing at the waist provides a great shape, and something about the red/light-blue combination in the print is really catching my eye.
I would love to see this paired with a navy suit to liven up an otherwise neutral outfit.
The blouse is $79.50 at J.Crew and comes in sizes 00-24. It also comes in light blue and black solids for $69.50.
Sales of note for 5/27/25:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has begun! See our full roundup here. Lots of markdowns on AGL (50%!), Weitzman, Tumi, Frank & Eileen, Zella, Natori, Cole Haan, Boss, Theory, Reiss (coats), Vince, Eileen Fisher, Spanx, and Frame (denim and silk blouses)
- Nordstrom Rack – Refurbished Dyson hairdryers down to $199-$240 (instead of $400+) + Father's Day gifts up to 60% off
- Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – Memorial Day Event: 50-70% off everything + extra 25% off
- Boden – 15% off new women's styles
- Eloquii – $25+ select styles + extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – Summer kickoff event, up to 50% off 1000s of styles+ extra 50% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Memorial Day Sale: extra 20% off with code + try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Rothy's – Up to 30% off everything
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – $29.50+ must-haves + extra 50% off all sale styles
I’m the OP from yesterday’s afternoon post about stable and happy families and (not to drag this out further) I thought of an example while I was up with the baby overnight. You know in the Laura Ingalls Wilder books how Laura goes to teach the Brewster School and boards with a local family? The family is cold in every way – there’s no fire lit, every friendly overture is rebuffed, sullen silence replaces conversation, there’s probable mental illness, violence is threatened, Laura is treated as though her very presence is hateful.. Laura is never abused, but the contrast when she goes home and is greeted joyfully with a hot meal, love, and fiddle music is stark. That’s more what I was getting at – the happy, stable home includes more than just being free of abuse. It’s an overall state of being.
And an aside – I think Netflix is making a series for Little House!
I think a lot of people deny the damage of emotional neglect and treating your child like a burden because otherwise they would have to take a good hard look at their lives and it would make them uncomfortable. It’s a defense mechanism. My cousin is a therapist and over Easter I was talking to him about our waspy family (and waspy families in general) and how the coldness is really damaging and how you end up with effect up generations.
My dad is visiting and over lunch recounted his address history, and how he lived with his (abusive, alcoholic dad) for a year in his teens to make things easier for his mom. Makes me appreciate the fact that my parents really worked hard to break the cycles of substance abuse and physical abuse they experienced as a child, allowing me to have a very happy, calm childhood, and offer the same to my son. It’s not something my dad agonises about but he and my mom were so intentional about breaking the cycle.
I agree with this. I always thought of my parents as extremely loving, warm and affectionate. But now as an adult with my own child, I’ve taken a much closer look at my childhood and realized that there was a lot of emotional distance and coldness that I just…learnt how to deal with? It was a very uncomfortable realization for me, because it clashed with my idea of my parents as good parents. It took me a while to reconcile the fact that both things can be true – they can be good parents doing their best, and also, there are things they could have done better.
My father likes to tell a story about how he met his own father for the first time as a child (immigration to a new country had separated the family for a few years) and all his father did was shake his hand. My father tells this story like it is a humorous anecdote, whereas to me, it’s horrendously sad. I can’t imagine doing that as a parent.
The effects absolutely do trickle down through the generations.
Do you think it’s useful to take this kind of look at your childhood? If you acknowledge that your parents did they best thy could and your memories are loving and happy—why find reasons to think more critically?
I feel like your behavior has more risk for harm and also risks insulting your parents.
For me in my family, it’s not about judging or insulting anyone, but more about acknowledging beliefs and cultural norms that can be let go of? My parents’ marriage was cross cultural, and it wasn’t subtle how some traditions and values made things easier vs. harder in family relationships.
I think taking this kind of look at one’s childhood and upbringing identifies things that one has likely normalized that would be better done differently. I’m for self examination that leads to self improvement, so for me it is helpful.
If it leads to self-improvement and thoughtful parenting moving forward, then yes, it’s worth it. It’s looking to the future more than the past.
I’m Anon at 9:15. Becoming a parent has prompted a lot of self-reflection. It’s been very helpful for me personally to identify things my parents did that I want to continue as I see how it’s benefitted me in my own life, as well as things that I would do differently.
None of that, I think, is particularly insulting or overly critical to my parents. I have a lot of sympathy for their own circumstances, in that I can clearly see how they were raised shaped them. I’ve also found it reassuring as I’ve navigated new parenthood. I can recognize they were doing their best and still good parents. Likewise, I am just doing my best.
I’m surprised that more people don’t find that to be a helpful exercise, but clearly by the responses below I am in the minority!
Compared to current standards, my parents were cold. But I don’t think it’s fair to judge our parents by current standards. Parenting advice and practices were different 40 years ago when I was growing up. I think my parents were loving and caring based on the standards of their time (and when compared against my childhood friends’ parents), even if they wouldn’t be by current standards.
I agree with this. I know I’m warmer and more physically affectionate with my kids than my parents were with me, at least after the early childhood years. Still, I never doubted that I was loved and I have a very good relationship with my parents as an adult. While there are things I wish they’d done differently, I’m adult enough to recognize that they were operating under a different set of standards and life experiences.
Same. We’re a much warmer household but I think of it like the love languages. My dad’s language is acts of service not physical affection. So he wasn’t a huggy guy but he showed up at occasion and spent many mornings driving my sister or I to practices before work with zero complaint.
After being a parent for over decade, I recognize more how much my parents are just people trying their best to figure it out. They were far from perfect and so am I.
Yes — I definitely grew up in an acts of service/quality time family, and not a super physically affectionate one.
Same.
I love the “Therapy, Soviet Style” or whatever reels that the algorithms keep feeding me. I am a creature of bleak survivalism, not LHOTP Ma and Pa. But I get why it’s funny and also why maybe that is always an ideal approach to every problem. I like the Stoic philosophers. And Hank Hill.
I think this pop psychology trend of criticizing everything your parents did really needs to end. Why look back and harp on their areas for improvement when they cannot go back in time and fix the things you perceive as mistakes? Why not look back and enjoy the good, loving parents that they were?
I feel like every generation had hard times and often people were just trying to survive. Here, we are trying for “hot girl summer” and OOTD and maybe those yardsticks have changed too much to ever be meaningful. Did they get us to where we are now? Yes. Could they have been better? Yes. Or worse? Also yes. Are they humans, so capable of failure and bad decisions (and yet like all of us, their record is likely a mixed bag, as is ours today)? Also yes.
It’s almost like we didn’t have much generational hardship in our lives so we need to invent it (yes 9/11 changed things, but more in a conceptual way for most of us, not like waiting in bread lines).
And gen alpha has had such a gilded existence that they really cannot cope with challenges. Yes, Covid means they had to sit at home a lot and miss out on some rites of passage…but the majority of kids were safe, warm, fed, and entertained via screens. Their brothers weren’t drafted off to war and most stayed totally physically healthy.
Sorry, Gen Z! Gen alpha still remains to be seen but I think we’re seeing a pendulum swing
If the analysis supports assessing one’s own parenting approach or approach to relationships in general, it can be constructive. Sometimes viewing how your parents did it while keeping it in the context of their generational and cultural norms can be healthy. I love my parents, but I took a critical look at what they did well and what cycles I wanted to change with the next generation – nothing wrong with that so long as it’s constructive and not a blame game.
I totally agree. My parents were absolutely awful but dwelling on it and blaming them for everything that is wrong in my life won’t help. I have a young adult daughter and my biggest fear in life is that some therapist will tell her that I caused her “childhood trauma” despite doing my very best as a parent.
My mom had the same fear that she’d be blamed for everything if I went to therapy. I went to therapy anyway in my early 20s because I was affirmatively miserable. I didn’t tell her for years and years.
What happened – and I think my therapists were in the “good but not great” bucket – is that my therapists were able to help me figure out *why* I reacted in certain ways by talking to me about my childhood/adolescence. Then we worked on how I could alter/stop/modify those reactions as an adult. It wasn’t about blaming my mom and dad (who did the best they could) but helping me with my reactions to stress.
as a huge little house fan (books only not TV show) i know exactly what you mean. Gretchen Rubin from the happiness project wrote that LH is one of the best examples of happiness at home.
That’s funny, because I read the books as a very young child (kindergarten and first grade) and then reread them a few years ago. On reread as an adult, all I could think about was what an awful husband Pa was, constantly forcing his wife to leave everything she loved and was attached to so that he could seek his fortune (or drive the family into even more dire straits) in the wilderness, over and over again.
But life was hard and Pa was trying to make the best life he could for all of them. Ma wasn’t owed comfortable familiarity.
No, Pa was terrible. They were doing great in the Big Woods, near all their family, and he led them into destitution chasing a fantasy
Some of the books about the family like Prairie Fires paint a very different picture.
Hey, they have their own series, Laura is never mad at him (ditto Ma) in the stories. They could have would up having a Donner Party trip west and lived. I remember how they handled Mary’s blindness, surely much harder then than now. I felt that they were compassionate with her and included her within the family (almost like you didn’t have a choice not to back then). I’m not sure we’d have done so well with so much less in resources.
There were several points where Ma seemed mad at Pa about his putting the family at risk.
Did you ever read the book that came out maybe 10 or 15 years ago, that contained Laura Ingalls Wilder’s original manuscript with scholarly footnotes? It’s a super interesting read for childhood Little House books fans. It’s very different, and definitely portrays Pa Ingalls in a different light. The book was split up into a series and heavily edited by Laura’s daughter Rose, and definitely reflects the mid-20th century values at the time. (Pa was a protector and breadwinner, happy nuclear family, blonde Mary was prettier, etc.)
I loved the books as a kid, but I did feel like Pa kept uprooting them for no reason and they had so many kids because he wanted a boy really bad. Also my favorite of all of her books was Farmer Boy because they had a nice farm and enough to eat all the time.
IIRC they left one of the houses because the government decided to close the area to white settlers and they had to leave (vs chose to leave). IDK if this was the House on Silver Lake or one of the other ones. But for all of their houses, there were many other people around them trying to do the same thing. Like when they were with the railroad?
And The Long Winter was so terribly realistic that I adopted its mindset to trying to survive every winter (even though I live in a house and have central air and a stove). I felt them trying to survive.
I don’t recall the exact # of of children that they really had, but one grandmother was one of 8 and most of my grandparents were no smaller than 1 of 3. IDK what a typical family size was then, but they didn’t seem out of line IRL and IDK what Ma would have done for BC besides nurse a baby longer (and they were close to starving enough that that may have had a birth control effect).
TL;DR — they seem to be typical people of their times, not some weird outlier like the Duggars are now (and the Duggars are flat-out abusive and seem to have done everything to their benefit and at the expense of their children (particularly the girls) and grandchildren. Case in point: Josh Duggar and Anna never leaving him.
No they broke the law to move into that place in the first place
Yes, the move out of KS wasn’t their idea, but I still felt like Pa was the charming villain of the stories (which is probably why I didn’t like the TV series where Pa is basically a saint).
My mother, aunt, great aunts, and grandmother were obsessed with the books because my great-grandmother and her sister participated in the OK land rush and had claims of their own.
I just don’t think that they were outlier or fringe for their type, but typical of one slice in a broad tapestry of what the US was like there. My family is from a very poor but very settled part of the East Coast, so frontier living is something we don’t know (vs poor rural living, where you rely on a well for water and septic problems are real health threats, ditto open flame propane heaters). Like people don’t know how to swim b/c there aren’t Ys or swimming pools to learn in, so deep water is really dangerous and you are always reading about drowning on lakes or in streams. And there is no lifeguard, so it’s dangerous to the person who goes in to attempt a rescue.
Yes, me too. But something I only picked up on as an adult.
Laura’s real upbringing was much more depressing…her father was mercurial, uprooting the family every time they got settled, and they were desperately poor. The books are a fairy tale spin and bear only a passing resemblance to her real life. She idolized and idealized her father when in reality he was not great. And her mother was pretty cold and stern and absolutely favored her older sister.
So while I agree with the basis of your assertion that a warm family is important for kids, that example kind of proves the opposite! Laura lived her whole life striving for approval from people who didn’t really value her. She had a very hard life and allowed her daughter to manipulate her until the end. The book was born out of her survival skills.
her relationship with her own daughter was really complicated and for those who are interested there is all sorts of theories that Rose really wrote the books. Agree about Pa but the books are my absolute favorite. just love them.
I love the books, too! They are well-written and compelling stories with perfect narrative arc. (All the caveats about the treatment of marginalized peoples and yes I do address when reading with my kids). I absolutely love a good literature analysis and believe stories take on a life of their own regardless of the intent of the author.
BUT I also think there is danger is holding up a family that never existed as such as a model for parenthood. Especially when society pretends this is a biographical account. Those parents didn’t and probably couldn’t exist.
Well said.
i don’t know that society pretends its biographical. seems like everyone on this board who is interested knows that they are doctored.
I think the conservative faction, which could be like 50% of people these days, does, and they use Pa as bootstraps exhibit number 1
Re Pa, I’m surprised that the violin survived all of those trips. I joke that violinists are indoor people in a world of controlled humidity and replacement strings. IDK that I’d take it camping and that was the Ingalls family life, even when housed vs living in a wagon (that would be like having my family and dog in my minivan and heading west at a walking pace, but without grocery stores or a good map and dangerous wildlife).
I have had the same thoughts about the fiddle, but on the other hand all musical instruments had to survive without air conditioning until the second half of the twentieth century, and there are still places even in the US where people don’t have central air conditioning. The most coveted violins have survived hundreds of years without climate control.
Re the violin, mariachi bands and Stradivarius’s workshop in Cremona were in dry climates. In the humid SEUS, my violin likes central air conditioning (but it may be too dry in winter for it when the heat is on inside). Kansas/Oklahoma may be more like Italy. IDK re Wisconsin and South Dakota.
Anon at 9:55 here – Laura did an original manuscript, which was then heavily edited and split up into a series by Rose.
That is how it can be when you are desperately poor, no? Bad choices, not good choices. Often the outcomes aren’t great, either. IDK that they were anything but typical.
My mom came from dire poverty (outhouse level poverty). I don’t think that many on this board see that in this country or this recently.
To be fair, I think the Brewster family had prairie madness .
I would argue that the (fictional) Brewster home was neglectful and emotionally abusive.
My cousin’s in-laws have a relative like the Brewsters. That woman has never talked to me over the two decades I have known her. I go to family events and everyone else is warm and chatty to various degrees. She is likely a few years older, her kids are a few years older than mine, but we have never ever spoken (but I have said hi; now I just acknowledge her but have given up trying to speak beyond hi).
The responses to this are such a journey.
Interesting conversation though.
I need help with more shoe shopping sites. I am looking for an espadrille and haven’t found what I want yet and am trying to exhaust all options. I have already looked at Zappos, DSW, LK Bennett, Nordstrom, Bloomingdale’s, Nieman Marcus, Nine West, Steve Madden, Toms, and Macy’s.
What sites/shoe brands am I missing here. Thanks in advance for your help!!!
Soludos or Viscata
Castaner?
This!
The Spanish brand ones:
Unisa https://www.unisa-europa.com/en-ZZ/
Castaner.com
mintandrose.com
naguisa
vidorreta
Toni Pons
alhamas
pitusas
abarcashoes.com
popabrand.com
(apart of zara, mango…)
Toni Pons
What specifically are you looking for? JCrew usually does a good wedge, Rothy’s has an inspired by look that’s quite cute.
I found Lifestride to be the most comfortable. Easy Spirit was a close second (I tried on ALL the espadrilles a month ago after damaging my toe nail and needing a closed toe shoe to wear with summer dresses).
I love my castaners. You can get them at Saks and many other retailers.
General question about espadrilles – I’ve avoided them because it seems like the jute/rope will get ratty-looking fast. Am I wrong in this? Do they hold up pretty well?
Mine have lasted well for several years, but I only wear them as church/dress-up shoes and I don’t wear them if there is any hint of rain.
in my experience espadrilles are a one season shoe, they don’t hold up great but i do like the look
I’ve had Casterner ones last multiple years. I use them mostly as summer work (I still walk a good amount) or brunch shoes, as opposed to anything that will get them super dirty. There is a reason why you see them all the time on celebs, etc.
I’ve had a few times where the jute started to fray, and I just carefully glued it back. I try not to walk in wet grass or mud, but general lawn walking during outdoor summer weddings has been fine. I just bought a new pair after my previous ones “only” lasted ~5 seasons.
I was flipping through the Talbots catalog that came in the mail the other day and there were some in there.
I bought a pair at Talbots of all places and they are well-made and have the comforts of typical shoes vs too much rope that lasts a season. Plus, I could try on in a store.
I have several pairs of Talbots espadrilles and they are sturdy. They’ve also stayed reasonably clean, which I cannot say for the J.Crew espadrilles I’ve owned.
Naot
I returned items late to AT and now have $400 credit for At, loft, or factory. I am a true winter, classic style, hate ironing. Unless 100% necessary, like a true suit, I machine wash. I returned a lot of printed styles and generally do more solids. If you want to do some vicarious shopping, interested in your favorite items!
No suggestions, but is AT Factory back?? I found the factory had really good value but I thought they phased it out maybe 5-7 years ago.
pretty sure AT factory is what is now loft.
No, AT Factory exists and is different from Loft. AT Factory made the very questionable decision to close their website in spring of 2020, and now exists only as brick and mortar stores. Their stuff skews a bit cheaper and a bit more casual than Ann Taylor. Quality, well, I don’t think it’s much worse than AT.
There is also Loft Outlet, also only brick and mortar. Their stuff, if I recall, was slightly worse quality than Loft proper, but not hugely worse.
I think it’s only brick and mortar, not online? (same with Loft factory or whatever it’s called?). Usually in outlet malls.
Maybe buy a clearance coat that you can save for winter time? If you search “coat” there are a bunch deeply discounted in lucky sizes.
Is it just me or have AT and Loft closed too many stores? I work downtown Chicago and used to walk over to stores during my lunch. My clothes were 80 percent from these brands. Now barely any and that’s because there is no store nearby
Sizing at Sezane? And do they ever have sales? I’m in love with the Soleya jacket and can’t find an acceptable less expensive dupe.
I find their sizing inconsistent. I’m a size 8 in mall brands, with hips. I have yet to find pants that fit. I have tops in M and L, sometimes they fit but some of the L is too large, and one blouse was super wide at the waist but really tight on the arms. I want to love them because some pieces are great, but it’s really inconsistent if you can’t try in person. They have some sales on “archives” but it’s select pieces only and don’t expect huge discounts
Sizing runs small and things sell out, I’m not aware of them running sales. If you like it, buy it. They also don’t make things again save for a few items.
That is funny, I was just going to say that I find the sizing to run large in general. I almost always buy my smaller size in their items. I guess maybe it depends on your body type.
I find that it runs small and curvy. The waist and shoulders are small in comparison with the rest of the garment.
Not my experience, so maybe it depends on the particular pieces.
I find their descriptions on whether the item runs small or large pretty accurate. The sizing runs a bit different because some items are intentionally boxy, and others are more fitted. So, the sizing notes are key.
I think it just runs French! So the closer you are to an average French woman in build, the more TTS it is.
How do you snap yourself out of a rotten mood that is lasting for a week or more? I’m super irritable lately and I’m being snarky, short-tempered, and generally a crank. I know why – this year has been intense work wise; my first vacation last week was really disappointing; I can’t schedule more time off until July, and the rainy weather and crammed work schedule mean I am not getting my walk in, which helps me blow off steam. I’ve scheduled a massage for the weekend, but I need a mental shift in my energy, because people are starting to tip toe around me and I am not acting the way my job requires me to act (calm, wise, supportive, etc). Ideas?
Get whatever you need to walk in the rain comfortably.
For me this is access to a treadmill. Even in the best gear I HATE the rain
I’m with you on this. I have good gear and will make myself go on hikes in rain if the timing doesn’t allow otherwise (DH and I take hiking vacation and inevitably end up hiking a day in the rain), but for day to day if the treadmill is an option, give me that in a warm room and AirPods above walking in the rain with the best gear.
Fellow human who needs to walk to prevent grumpiness here.
+1 to get the gear to walk in the rain. I love my rain hat v hoods or umbrellas.
This fairly inexpensive Northface rain jacket and Teva sandals are my warm weather walking in the rain gear.
https://www.thenorthface.com/en-us/p/womens/womens-jackets-and-vests/womens-rainwear-299273/womens-antora-rain-parka-NF0A8BKC?color=0YI
I get an odd joy out of wearing a raincoat – it almost feels like I’m a snail wearing my own house. So yes, get a good raincoat.
Baseball hat under the hood of a good long raincoat is key for me. I need the rain off my face entirely.
What’s the saying, there’s no bad weather only bad clothing. I have a really goofy wide brim rain hat from REI that is great for walking in the rain.
I think about good and bad examples of my own managers’ behavior when I know they were facing stressball periods at work. Good motivation to pass down the good rather than the bad!
A tanning bed. But knowing those are bad, maybe spring for a red light therapy bed if you can find one in your area.
Can you find a treadmill to walk on? It’s my third favorite version of a walk (hike, outside walk rank higher) but it’s still pretty effective for shifting my mood.
Alternatively, listening to music will sometimes snap myself out. but not like nice pretty music – give me an angry feminist playlist or all of the TTPD anthology or Chinchilla. Leaning into it sometimes helps me work through it.
This board will probably make fun of me but one time I had this problem and I booked a reiki session at my yoga studio. It sort of helped!
Yoga teacher here, I won’t make fun of you. :) I almost suggested a long hot yoga class or long meditation from the Insight Timer app, but that is only going to work for certain people who like that kind of thing. :)
You can walk in the rain. You won’t melt.
She can, but as she stated, she won’t enjoy it so it probably won’t have the same effect.
She doesn’t need to toughen up. She needs to relax.
When I can’t stress walk, I blast music and dance, or do my often neglected core routine. Both hit the reset button like walking does.
Have you found an outlet to vent the steam?
When I get like that I need a safe place to really let the fustrations and uglies out of the system – Things like massages or yoga dont work for me if I’m still holding all that extra pressure. Its like being sick and taking otc cold medicine when you really need to burn it to the ground with an antibiotic.
journalling, a punching bag, shredding paper or cardboard by hand, a few days of hard HIIT workouts, a really good friend whose willing to listen to my rants etc.
Last year while I was in a hard time at work, I ended up cathartically sobbing on my living room floor during a home work out.
Yoga class or ballet class. An actual in-person class, not on line.
I’m sorry you’re in such a tough spot. Can you build in little things to look forward to each day? Ducking out for a coffee, spending 10 minutes catching up with a friend, trying a new lipstick or treating yourself to a nicer lunch – things like that.
Tbh, when I read the first sentence I thought “after about a week my period starts and I’m normal again.”
I’m actual advice, you need something to give you that energy the walk gives you. I’m inclined to invest in good rain gear and take the walk, but you do you.
Foul Mood here – thank you so much for these many thoughtful replies. You aren’t wrong about walking in the rain; unfortunately we are in the season where we get a lot of lightning and thunderstorms in later afternoon, right around the time I’d typically walk But I had forgotten how much yoga helps, and am going to book into a class right away. And am going to look at my rain gear (especially the hat idea – I need something to keep my glasses dry). Feeling more optimistic already.
My firm has an opening for an experienced paralegal/legal secretary/administrator. The job is part time, mostly remote, in SF. It’s been a very long time since I’ve had to hire anyone by posting a job listing. Where should I post this listing to reach the best candidates? The ideal candidate might be someone who has significant experience but no longer wants to work full time.
indeed, local law school boards, mom boards.
LinkedIn is still where most people look. I’d also join or send it to the lawmamas job group on facebook.
This!
I just read about WAHVE, which might meet your needs. Do any readers here have any experience with WAHVE?
That looks great but appears to be only for the insurance industry. We need something like that for the legal profession!
maybe the Mom Project site?
LinkedIn.
Priori Legal, Robert Half, etc.
I have a colleague, albeit much younger and less experienced, who works on a different widget than me but our widgets interact. She’s the only one in our local office that works on her widget so she’s, on paper, my go-to. We have a pitch to a client next week. On our last client pitch she absolutely sucked. Like, awful. We practiced for days ahead of time and she said she didn’t want to practice because it just “makes her anxious” so she didn’t attend any. I do know she has a history of anxiety so I just let it go and trusted she’d deliver. She…. definitively should have practiced. My vertical is 80% of the show and hers is a supplementary but necessary 20%. I’m really frustrated she was promoted in to this role, had expressed my concerns at the time, given her current skill and presentation abilities.
She’s also a difficult personality so there’s no side bar, “hey just want to help you out, here’s some constructive advice… ” type of conversation to be had from me that would yield anything productive. If I go to her boss he’s going to say “have you talked to her?” because he won’t do it himself, and I also theorize he knows she’s an issue but doesn’t want to deal with it, so that will be a dead end. He doesn’t see her in these pitches as she attends as the sole representative from their widget vertical.
What would you do? I mean I COULD give her feedback I guess, just in the spirit of trying to win the business, checking the box that I tried, but I’m just super annoyed that it’s falling on me to have to do it because no one else will. I don’t use this refrain often but it’s literally not my job, and my team is understaffed and I’m managing my own people. Do I just have to suck it up and try to reign her in because this is business we want? Even typing it all out here has made me feel a little better, at least.
“Hi, you blew off practice for our last pitch and it was obvious. I’m scheduling practice for this pitch and will work around your schedule.” If she doesn’t show then go to her boss and insist.
It sounds like you’re senior to her, OP, so I think this could work. She can take some tough love from another supervisor. Give her one chance to redeem herself, and if she bails, then bring in her boss. Alternatively, do all of this, but let her boss know first so that they’re not blindsided and they can’t deny they weren’t aware there was a problem.
I am in title and tenure. We’re both in the same class (?) of job function but within the function we’re tiered by title. I’m an MD and she’s 2-3 notches down.
This is a good approach.
Can the practice be in front of your boss and her boss? Like then they can see the issues for themselves and insist on additional practice if needed. Schedule a prep/practice session without the bosses but don’t push her attendance so she can’t say she was not given an opportunity to practice before presenting to the bosses, and then have the official practice session in front of the bosses?
I like this idea
Sounds like there’s a big hang up on the word practice. Instead of just trying to get her to quote “practice” – can you label the meetings where you’re practicing “planning / strategy” instead of “practicing” and just run it as your practice session? And at the start of the first meeting lay out your overall goals for the pitch, and phrase it as you’d like to figure out a way to integrate colleagues contribution into the overall pitch more effectively?
I think it’s a lot harder for the colleague to blow off planning/strategy meetings than practice sessions, and what are practice sessions if not planning.
Agree with this. I coach our SMEs for webinars and panels. So many folks think they will sound “fresher” if they do these projects without a practice. I often take this “brinstorm strategy” approach instead. I also force them to review my draft talking points (just some bullets on what I think they should say). They won’t balk the same way as if I were presenting them with a script, but it helps them recognize that they have to know what they are going to say within the amount of time and really think about it ahead of time. Usually it becomes pretty clear, pretty fast that they need to rehearse or practice, either with me or by themselves. They then adapt the talking points to their own and we end up in a much, much better place. Even though you are sort of senior, I’d caution on using some of the language suggested elsewhere. She is not your direct report. The ongoing relationship will be better if you are working respected colleague to colleague, as you never know how roles may shift over time. I count my lucky stars that I was always, always respectful to a fellow VP in an adjacent department whom I worked with on joint projects frequently. When my boss was let go suddenly, I ended up getting absorbed by that department and reporting under her–and she has been my biggest ally and gives me a lot of autonomy. Reserve “boss” language for when you actually have the role, not just seniority. Careers are long and networks grow and folks remember who they felt respected by as teammates.
In my consulting work, people just schedule dry runs and you have to go to them. Don’t make them optional.
I understand what it’s like to feel overwhelmed and wish others would do more, but I think a bit of reframing here might make this less frustrating. I am relatively senior and I coach/give feedback to all kinds of people across the org that I work with, regardless of whether they report to me. I think that is my job. I personally would not like to work in an environment where people escalate everything to my boss instead of giving me direct feedback first. I think this has been good for my career because it helps people think of me as a leader and someone invested in the company because I’m willing to put the time in to ensure everyone I work with is succeeding.
In your situation, if your 80% of the show and multiple levels senior to her, I would absolutely view it as my job to make sure the pitch goes well. I would give her specific feedback on what she needs to work on- “it showed that you didn’t practice” isn’t enough; it should be more like “you referenced your notes too much and it made you look unprepared, you talked too fast, you were unable to answer basic questions about the product” (whatever the right feedback is). I would tell her she has to do a dry run and then escalate to her boss if she does not show.
Can you kick this upstairs? IE, talk to your boss about it, framing it as a concern you need help addressing (“I’m preparing for the XYZ presentation next month and I have some concerns, I am a worried because last time I did a presentation with [person] I felt there were some pieces missing in her share of the presentation but she has declined my meeting invites for practice sessions this time around….), and see what your boss says. Maybe that will prompt your boss to talk to her boss? I work in government and we have a lot of unspoken protocol/chain of command stuff and so this approach would work for me (or at least… my boss would go to bat for me with the other person’s boss, but whether that would trickle down in an effective way is a different question). But it depends on the internal dynamics of your workplace.
This would be a HUGE no in the places I’ve worked. You first try to work it out before escalating anything to your boss or anyone else’s yet alone both. She hasn’t even asked her colleague to practice yet. She may find that colleague recognized all on her own that winging it last time didn’t work well and be more receptive this time around.
Fair point, I missed the part where she hadn’t tried to talk this through with the colleague AFTER to presentation to discuss what went well, what can be done better next time, etc.
In my old job, I used to prep people to speak in front of regulators. We always did dry runs beforehand and they were not optional.
was planning on wear a summer dress to child’s graduation. it’s pretty chilly and rainy. any magic suggestions for something that won’t feel wintery or like work clothes?
How cold is it? I’d probably just wear a trench with the dress and closed toe shoes.
its about 55. i would need to buy closed toe shoes, don’t have anything that would work…. i do have a classic tan trench, maybe that’s the plan…
Oh I wouldn’t worry about shoes then and yeah, would do a trench over it all. I’ve also found wearing jockey skimmies or similar and a cami underneath warms up the outfit from a comfort perspective.
If it’s outdoors in the cold/ damp/rain then I would say this is the time to choose shoes based purely on practicality and not whether they go with your outfit. Lots of other people will be doing the same!
I’m obsessed with this spring-weight cardigan in white:
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/nic-and-zoe-all-year-4-way-convertible-cardigan/7498722?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=123
I love these Nic+Zoe sweaters. I have in red, light blue and white. But are they very pre-pandemic looking?
I would pivot to a summer dress with sleeves and closed toed shoes. I’m wearing a maxi dress to a graduation this weekend where temps are low 60s. Specifically the Tuckernuck Red Eyelet Lola Maxi Dress. If you want the summery dress, then a light colored trench, suede jacket, or a moto jacket over it. Not sure what the dress looks like, but I have similar to the tan Quince Suede Biker Jacket and throw it on for chilly summer nights often.
No suede or moto jacket in the rain…
Oops I missed the rainy part. Just saw chilly.
Also in light of yesterday’s discussion, it was fortuitous that I was going through a backlog of podcasts and came across one from Dr. Lisa Damour about whether it’s ever okay to yell at our kids. Episode 218 from May 6, if anyone is interested. It was a very even-keeled, compassionate discussion. The consensus is that yelling is not ideal, of course, but sometimes it’s going to happen because parents are human, too. The key is to repair and then do whatever you can personally to make sure you’re not reaching a boiling point on the regular. The “best” time to yell? When your kid is absolutely over the line and knows it (and therefore won’t be shocked by a parent losing their cool). And of course, it shouldn’t include name-calling or anything like that.
I’m going to tack on to this that Tina Payne Bryson, who wrote several books with Dan Siegel and is one of the “godmothers” of the respectful/gentle parenting movement, if you will, says similar. BUT she actually does name call sometimes! She has three teen boys and she talked about how she will tell them they are being a-holes if the situation calls for it, lol. She also says that if you do it “right” 85% of the time, there is a lot of grace for the 15% because we are human and kids need to see that, too. But ditto on the importance of repair…which is perhaps the aspect that was missing from the husband in the OP yesterday
If the kid is being a jerk and they know it, they need to be called out on it. Otherwise parents are pushovers and the children will sense it and use it to their own advantage.
Like, it’s objectively wrong to go at the child for characteristics like brains, weight or looks. But going at them for their behavior is usually called for.
Yeah — I have one kid who is pretty sensitive, and another who does NOT pick up on nuances. We have sometimes had to be very blunt about how we communicate about behavior issues. It doesn’t always feel good, but I also don’t think it would serve him well if we didn’t tell him when he’s being an absolute jerk.
It’s a rule in our house that no one name calls. It serves no purpose that can’t be reached in a respectful way. Instead it makes people feel hurt, defensiveness, and sometimes very unloved. It’s simply unnecessary. “That behavior is unacceptable” is far better than “you’re being a jerk.”
Maybe it works for your children. I hope so!
A spade needs to be called a spade sometimes, and to feel the hurt associated with their own behavior.
A little shame goes a long way towards getting people to act correctly.
I don’t agree that shame from name calling is useful. There are other ways to make your point.
Who can say. I firmly believe that there is not enough shame for bad behavior and it’s beginning to show, societally.
But saying “being a jerk” isn’t name calling. If you said “you’re a jerk,” that is. I think there’s a difference between using salty direct language to describe behavior and labeling someone as the thing.
+1. I would not call my kid a jerk. But I absolutely have said “you’re being a jerk” on occasion when the behavior is egregious and nothing else has gotten through. Usually followed by, “you know better than this.”
I think it’s important to delineate behavior from the person. Telling someone what they did was mean, rude, snarky, selfish, etc. is less damaging than calling them a jerk or even telling them they’re “being a jerk.” It also addresses the problem effectively.
there is also a difference if the kid is 7 vs. 17. i think saying that to a 7 year old does more harm than good. a 17 year old is a different story
My dh and I have been married for 35 years and the one difference we have never successfully navigated is name calling. He thinks it’s fine, I don’t. And neither of us will ever change our minds ever. He’s not allowed to call me or the kids names in anger or frustration, and he’s stuck with that agreement since we made it 34 years and 9 months ago. But he will never change his mind that it’s fine.
I mostly agree with this. My one exception is to call the behaviour by a name, e.g., “when you threw the ball at your sister’s head when she wasn’t looking, that’s a jerk move.”
I don’t like making blanket statements about people based on one episode, but I also believe that words have meaning. “It was irresponsible to leave the oven on” is not the same as “You (implication: always and for the end of time) ARE irresponsible; you left the oven on.”
I’ll never, ever forget the first time my dad called me the b-word, or any of the times after that either. It was a real turning point in our relationship.
I get that. That’s who he is. Better to operate knowing who a person is.
Seriously. My firm line is that nobody curses or name calls each other in our house.
My parents still treat each other that way, tried it once in my home and were told never again or they’d be told to GTFO.
There’s a huge difference between needing to use a raised voice on occasion/borderline yelling/occasional yelling vs. yelling that involves name calling/insults/parents throwing things and hitting things.
Yes, I think we agree on that?
IDK There were comments on the late afternoon post saying that people were overreacting by calling to abusive re the morning post OP’s partner who throws things when mad.
Who are you trying to convince? There will always be adults that won’t regulate their emotions to this extent. It stinks but it’s not illegal. As humans we need to learn to adjust to all the suboptimal variables thrown at us.
No one? Just commenting with my view in the comments section? I’ve never lived with someone who threw things in anger and I’m surprised how blasé people have been about anger management. If people can manage not to throw things at the office, people can manage not to throw things at home. Families deserve the same respect as colleagues.
I suspect it’s another facet of people being different. To you throwing things at other inanimate objects is a big deal. To some commenters it is very obviously not a big deal. Their perspective is different.
But there will always be segments of any community that want to control everyone’s emotions and behaviors to match their own comfort level.
The crux was that we were missing all the details about how he normally manages anger and what he is like all the rest of the time. It’s blatant misrepresentation to say that someone doesn’t handle anger well when he slaps a table twice a year. Presumably he experiences anger much more than that.
I was pretty shocked at the conscious that losing your cool twice a year in a minimal way is termed “abuse”.
*consensus
It wasn’t slapping a table twice a year. It was throwing dog toys. How long before a toy misses and hits a kid?
Slapping a table twice a year just … doesn’t register to me as being that big of a deal. Less than ideal? Yes. Abusive? Unless there’s a lot more to the story, absolutely not. I agree that there is a wide spectrum of comfort levels with angry behaviors.
You’re all missing the point about that husband. It wasn’t that the OP and kids were literally in mortal fear when he threw the dog toy. It was what it represents – loss of control, threat of violence, what’s going to trigger it next time, is it just the beginning? Other commenters who experienced that spoke to it better than I can, including the one whose ex made eye contact while smacking the doorway.
In addition, losing control in front of family repeatedly is a choice. So is going into a private area to express anger without an audience. Those present are left to wonder why a husband would choose the option the family thinks is scary. What kind of person is OK scaring their family?
Yeah I’m of two minds. I can’t stand yelling or harsh talking in a professional setting because it reminds me of my parents. I’m about to be shamed and spanked and punished in my head. My husband, who was never yelled at, thought the screaming partner at his law firm was literally hilarious. He’d have to keep himself from laughing at a man who was so upset that he actually yelled at people. He’s definitely better adjusted than I am because he wasn’t yelled at. Yet, my kids? Once I said in a firm mocking voice “hey mister, I didn’t hear you wash those hands” and my kid just crumbled to the floor in tears because that was too harsh. Or I yelled to keep a kid from sticking a hand in a running mix aid and that made her sob. So my husband is fine but maybe me and the kids are just soft?
I’ve mentioned to younger co-workers that throwing things (phones, blackberries) was very, very common in finance when I started out and the looks of horror I get are telling.
It literally got included in our training one year (you can’t expense strip clubs, and you can’t throw phones at your assistant). I am glad that’s mostly gotten acknowledged as being firmly NOT ok these days.
That doesn’t mean it’s okay to yell and throw things around children
Maybe not, but they’ll live. I doubt this damages the average person to a greater extent than “wow, mom’s pissed off today, steer clear.”
It’s so sad to me that kids have to grow up in homes where they have to avoid their parents because their parents are so angry they are throwing things.
You have at least this same level of sadness for all the children of Gaza, right?
Throwing a dog toy once a year (a soft squeaky kind?) and slapping another table one a year is right up there.
Exactly. Have some perspective. The kids are fine even if they have to be a bit afraid of mom and dad for a few hours. The very soft world some commenters think we are owed is eye-roll inducing. The world is a very hard place. That isn’t changing.
I would add that yelling shouldn’t lead to lengthy punishments – if you already yelled because something bad happened, you don’t also hold a grudge and punish the kid for weeks or months, especially if the punishment involves any unpredictable moods or inconsistent consequences. If you must yell, you explain and move on.
This sounds right. There’s a shock associated w being yelled at that sticks in dangerous situations—like if they’ve run into the street or disappeared to a friends house without telling anyone.
It’s the shock that’s needed, and the explanation re the upset. Additional punishment misses the point, unless it’s something like theft or willful misbehaving.
This. Yelling is absolutely appropriate to get a child’s attention and compliance in a dangerous situation. If my kid runs into the street, I’m not going to softly discuss their feelings and reasons. I am going to stop them.
Re. perfectionist and placid child raising, I always think of the little essay that begins this old dog post on canine weaning: https://cynography.blogspot.com/2011/08/wean.html
Probably overstated, but there’s got to be an age at which it’s appropriate to learn that parents are people too and that people you love can still get angry with you if you’re way over the line.
That is great. Thanks for sharing.
I will add to this convo that I don’t like how *I* am affected if I yell. I don’t enjoy feeling out of control or unhinged or like I can’t express negative emotions in a constructive way. Maybe it doesn’t harm anyone around me at all, who knows, but it’s not worth it for the effect on me.
Yelling is like cursing in that it’s really only effective when used sparingly. But when it’s needed, it’s needed.
I’m on a GLP1 under supervision of my PCP and need to refocus on maintaining (maybe even regaining) muscle mass. What’s my first step? I have a Peloton, full set of dumbbells and resistance bands. No current gym membership but eyeing a local studio that has a lot of classes that I could feasibly attend on weekends and maaaaaaaybe one early, early morning per week.
About me… I’m 40. No underlying health issues other than bad knees so l have to be careful with certain exercises (lunges, for one). Insulin resistance/PCOS put me on this path but I owe my life to GLP1 and plan to be on for life. I just signed up for my first road race in over a decade, a 5K on July 4. I’m up to 2 miles straight running. I’m a former crossfitter, half-marathon runner and all-around athletic person that lost herself in her 30s to infertility, her intense career and raising really little kids. TIA.
Editing to say, I’m not currently using said Peloton at all but I do have the membership still active and once upon a time absolutely loved it. I was an early adopter pre-COVID, but just tapered out the last 2-3 years.
I love the peloton strength and yoga classes. Some of the dance/cardio classes are fun when I need a change of pace.
I forget what they’re called, but they group classes together in a progressive learning style, like crush your core or something — I found that really helpful when I first got a peloton. It helped to keep me on track and eliminated the mental labor/sticking point of figuring out which class to take.
I highly recommend the Peloton Strength+ app. It comes with the Peloton membership and you can listen to your own music, go at your own pace, and follow a pre-designed progressive program or have it design a strength program for you. Research shows that there are benefits in doing the same weight-bearing exercises over and over, not just taking random weight classes. I have seen massive improvements just doing the boring “Shred It” program 3x/week and walking on a treadmill at incline sometimes.
Also on a GLP1. Also former athlete who lost her way for Reasons. I hate weight lifting with the heat of a fiery sun, so I say this with compassion and love: Pelaton has good benefits, as do other forms of intense exercise, but there is no substitute for just getting in there and lifting weight.
Thanks. Definitely not suggesting Peloton is the answer. Just mentioning so to say it’s a resource immediately available to me.
if you liked cross fit and have the time and one isn’t too far i’m a huge fan of orangetheory which, as i understand it, is basically like cross fit for moms and older women. i had all the stuff at home too and never made myself lift heavy weights but i do it in the class.
Have you considered Orange Theory? It’s a lot of cardio, but as a person who absolutely hates strength training, it has gotten me over the hump. My strength has increased steadily (and trust me, I wasn’t starting from a great point). When I miss class for a week and return, I definitely feel it.
I also think the rower helps with overall strength, even though it’s technically cardio.
Another vote for Orange Theory as the entry point. I also used to hate strength training with a passion and it also got me over the hump. Discovered when I do strength training I get way less injuries (shocking I know) and have since transitioned to lifting at the gym.
Not OP but is Orange Theory too much for someone coming off a long period of inactivity? I had complications at the end of pregnancy and postpartum and was minimally active. I don’t want to injure myself but I also want something engaging and that will help my strength.
I started with OrangeTheory as a way to get active and strong when my toddler was almost 2, after no more activity than pushing a stroller since early pregnancy. For the treadmill portion, there is always a power walking option that uses more incline, or you can set your “base pace” at a slow jog and work your way up.
There are definitely people who are very out of shape who start OT. You ultimately are working at your level (you set your treadmill, you pick your weights) a good coach will guide you and push you but you can start slow and ramp up
Check out Casey Johnston Couch to Barbell, and sign up for her newsletter/read her philosophy. If you already have experience with strength training some of it may be a little repetitive for you. That said, her program is scalable to take into account not everyone is starting from zero. But her approach to fitness is so refreshing for me, it’s the only fitness guide/advice I have ever been able to actually get myself to do.
We have similar issues and I also had an unused Peloton and a weight set up and decided to just use that. It’s at home, it’s easy, it’s hard to make excuses. Peloton has a new feature where it will design a workout plan for you (you can input how many days to work out, how long you want to work out, what your goals are, what kind of music you like). Then when you log on it suggests classes as part of your plan. It suggests multiple class options so you pick from the menu and just start working out.
I like that it eliminated the hassle of choosing classes, and that it gives me workouts that are focused on exactly what I asked for. I told it I wanted to work out 45 minutes, 4x a week, focused on weight loss and building strength. It gives me 2 45 minute bike workouts (30 minute ride + 15 minute low impact ride as a cool down) and 2 45 minute strength workouts (usually 30 minutes of upper body or lower body + 15 minutes of core).
Another strength training option I like is Sydney Cummings (free on YouTube; posts a daily workout and you can target your whole body by doing a few of them a week).
Highly recommend the Peloton strength workouts and programs, specifically the hypertrophy splits. I really like Rebecca Kennedy’s, have seen good things about Jess Sims. The splits are focused on simple straightforward lifts with long breaks. If you have a treadmill you might really like RK’s split + hike program.
However, as the very first step, I’d just turn on a Peloton 10 minute strength workout, and do a different instructor the next day, rotating until you find one you like a lot. And then doing a lot of their classes.
Highly recommend Rebecca Kennedy’s 3-day split program on Peloton. It was a gamechanger for me, an almost 40-year-old who had 3 kids in 4 years and also on on GLP1. 45 minutes three days per week was doable as a working mom and significantly helped with body recomposition while losing weight. I am looking forward to trying Jess Sims’ split for my next block.
Personally, I’d avoid group classes if the goal is building muscle. You will see some quick gains there, but generally, the classes are more HIIT than strength. Too much HIIT is not ideal for someone in peri or menopause.
I hear Peloton has some good just strength classes similar to the Ladder app I am always talking about when someone brings this up.
I’d start there.
And as an ex-crossfitter you know this, but diet.
Your diet will eventually need to be dialed in for more protein and fuel those workouts with some carbs.
Here’s a free program I like that you can do at home with the equipment you already have: https://www.nourishmovelove.com/start-here/#h-strong-20
Cardio is catabolic, eats up muscle. I recommend you lift heavy weights and eat a ton of protein to build muscle. Join the gym, lift the weights. 2-3 sets of 10 reps at a weight where you couldn’t do the 11th. Ideally every 3 days but once a week is fine to start. Break up legs and upper body if an hour on two days works better than two hours on one day.
Has anyone ordered a sofa from Rowe recently? Would love to hear reviews!
After waiting ten years for my immigration in the US to be sorted out I am finally in possession of a refugee travel document. Now I don’t know where I’d want to go first. Any recs for a 10 day trip to Europe? (I think that’s the only continent that understands what a travel doc is)
Personally, in this administration, I would not risk foreign travel.
+1 I’m worried traveling internationally with my green card holding spouse
Agree with this
How confident are you that airlines will understand the document? I suspect that airlines are quite strict on travel documents in light of extra scrutiny at the border when returning. I would not want to risk being stuck in Europe. Raising this only because you seem to indicate it might not be a well understood document.
Would a road trip to Canada be an option? The land border seems easier and it removes the agreeable airline factor. Like drive to Vancouver and take an Alaskan cruise? Or eastern Canada trip to Niagara wine area/Toronto/Montreal?
I would go to Portugal! 10 days you can do Lisbon, Porto, Douro wine country, some beaches — or add on a few days in the Azores.
Ireland so that you can pass through customs in the Dublin airport instead of in a US airport when re-entering the country.
Also, Ireland is awesome and fun! But if you are hedging your risk, the above is one strategy to consider.
How do you avoid customs in the US when coming home though?
Precleared planes exit to domestic arrivals no? At least that’s my experience on Toronto to Tampa flights. All passengers have ‘entered’ the US in Toronto/Dublin etc.
Yes you land at domestic terminal on pre-cleared flights. This isn’t unique to Ireland, it’s also a thing for Canada and some Caribbean spots (Aruba, etc.) and the United Arab Emirates.
Personally I actually prefer clearing in the US because I have global entry and foreign airports don’t always have the global entry lanes. I’m also not sure it makes any difference to OP. The person checking her paperwork would still be a US CBP agent, just one who happens to be stationed in Ireland. It’s not like they have Irish govt employees deciding who gets back into the US. It’s still very much the US government making that call.
I think the advantage for OP would be that instead of being stuck in detention with CBP, in other cities outside the USA, it’s more likely they would just deny entry as they have limited holding facilities. So worse case is stuck in Dublin or Toronto etc vs stuck in CBP custody.
The US has a special relationship with Ireland that allows people to clear US customs at the Dublin airport. That means you do not have to go through customs in the US when re-entering the country. It can be a real game changer even aside from recent scrutiny of non-citizens for people flying into particularly horrific airports.
I know Bermuda is similar and Canada, or at least some Canadian cities.
Yeah I agree with others that virtually every non-citizen I know (even green card holders) is pulling back on non-essential travel right now.
But to answer the question you actually asked, it’s highly seasonal for me. I love Italy and France the most (in that order), but only go there in shoulder season. I wouldn’t go in July or August and maybe not even in June. If you have to travel in July-August, I vote for the UK, Netherlands or Scandinavia. But I hate hot weather.
Immigration lawyer here. If you have no crim history and seemingly no extended departures previously, you should be fine to travel. No travel back to your country of origin, obviously, and remember that even with a refugee travel document you’ll need to comply with any visa requirements that apply to your country of origin, not the US. Congratulations.
Anyone know of a good dark spot corrector? I picked up some melasma in pregnancy that won’t go away (not pregnant anymore). Thanks!
Google “Coleman Compound”
The Eucerin serums have a cult following online. I haven’t seen much change though.
I don’t have any makeup suggestions, but I sympathize.
Mine was in the T zone and reappeared with each pregnancy. It always disappeared after pregnancy, but took up to a year.
Be diligent with sunscreen and hats.
I used vitamin c for my melasma. I think it took close to a year to fade away post pregnancy and BF.
Botox people — have you tried or switched to Letybo? My person (esthetician at cosmetic derm’s office) mentioned it to me today. It apparently lasts a bit longer and costs a bit less? I said I’d think about it and try to learn more (= google and ask here), but would stick to Botox for this once since I know how I do with it. Letybo may have been Korean, at least initially; not sure if it was called the same thing there.
I use Jeuveau, which is another tox. I like it better and feel like it lasts longer w/o the frozen face issue. I don’t know about Letybo, but there are likely other options too.
Late but I swapped to Dysport and am very happy.
Help me stop overthinking this!
I am early 40s and would love to have more local friends in my small town. The executive director of the occupational therapy center my daughter goes to seems so cool — I’ve known her for 2 years now and we chat every time we see each other. (Note: she has never been my daughter’s actual OT therapist; she’s the boss/owner of the whole place and doesn’t handle the actual therapies with the kids.)
Now, my daughter is leaving that OT place (hooray, she graduated!) and I’d like to try to build a friendship with this woman. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen her in a couple of months — she had some kind of family emergency and went on leave from the center. I do believe she’s ok (I did a little social media research) and that the emergency was about one of her kids, who also appears ok now. But she’s taken a big step back from her practice so I no longer run into her during pickups.
My daughter is leaving in a few weeks. Once we’re done, should I send the owner a text? What do I say? “Thanks for everything you’ve done for daughter. If you’re ever up for a drink, let me know?”
I know this isn’t a big deal. This is fine, right?
I’d be more concrete and not leave the ball in her court, e.g. “Hope all is well with you since we haven’t run into each other in awhile. It would be great to catch up over coffee or lunch – are you available next week on Monday or Wednesday?” I also feel like lunch or coffee is less awkward than “a drink” for a first friendship-date, unless you two have specifically discussed drinking and you know she’s a happy-hour-goer.
This is exactly what I would do.
OP – I think it is totally fine to try to befriend her, but your language is too vague. I also think coffee or lunch is a better first meet-up suggestion.
I completely agree with this advice! Be mentally prepared to receive a no, but at the same time, you could make a new friend!
Provided you’ve been a polite and reasonable person in general (which I assume you have), I don’t think it puts her or you in a weird spot either way.
Check the ethics rules. It can be dicey with health care professionals and clients, even if the person didn’t directly oversee your daughter’s care.
I don’t think it’s on OP to know this kind of rule. There are situations where it’s clear (I.e., don’t ask your doctor out…) but with this, I think the healthcare person is the one who knows whether she should decline.
If you have to ask, probably not ok. Just the fact that you are thanking her makes it over the edge.
My intuition is that there’s a 2 touch rule. If you run into someone in a two different contexts and get along well, then you can become friends.
I agree that it could go wrong but personally there are no people in my life who I run into in two different contexts.
I’m so confused at this response
Leave a thank you note and reference a previous chat? Presumably you talked about non-OT things if you felt a good connection. Like she mentioned a yoga studio she liked, you can note you are loving the X time class and to please let you know if she has recommendations for outdoor yoga this summer.
The fact that she has never treated your daughter + treatment is over, makes the light reach out okay I think.
Text her that! I’ve done it with mixed success.
FWIW I’ve been in a year long “make more friends” journey that’s worked really well in that I have several solid new friendships. We’re getting invited to things and it’s lovely to meet people. The downside is no one loves or gets me like my college friend group, and it stinks my people aren’t here. It’s also crummy that my husband and kids also need to fit with a family in order to have a really close friendship at this life stage.
Do you have any tips on making new friends?
I will dissent and say I think this is incredibly weird. You only knew her in the context of her giving medical care to your kids and she’s given no indication she wants any kind of friendship. Making chitchat at appointments is baseline politeness, not an indication she wants to be friends. I can’t imagine doing this with any of my kid’s former teachers or medical professionals.
Fwiw, I don’t think the “two touch” rule applies universally. If you only know someone through your kids being friends or through volunteer work or a hobby and they seem cool and fun, then sure, try to be friends! But I think two touch is a good rule when the primary contact is professional/medical.
If you’re at a big firm, what has been your experience with your conflicts department? I’ve been at my current firm since I was an associate; I didn’t have much interaction with conflicts at my prior firm so I’m not sure if this is normal. I’m a nonequity partner with a smallish book ($500k).
Conflicts treats equity partners/rainmakers much better than the rest of us, so it’s an uphill battle to convince the powers that be that there’s a problem. Conflicts will clear for a rainmaker in under an hour; for me it takes a week or longer to start the search. I have to put in everything as a rush in order to get a sub-72 hour turnaround. That’s annoying but something I’ve learned to cope with.
In the past month, two partners from different offices have actually sued or threatened to sue (different) current, active clients of mine. One partner didn’t run conflicts on the correct entity (that he sued). But also, conflicts should’ve picked up the client contact’s name but didn’t because of a very slight misspelling. They’re supposed to search variations on the name but apparently someone thought the difference between, ie, Smith and Smyth with the same very unique first name and address was nothing to be concerned about. The other partner did run conflicts but the conflicts counsel decided that CompanyName North America had no relation to CompanyName USA and cleared it without flagging it for me. I escalated to GC and the response to both incidents was, we’re human mistakes happen. For the second one, they also said it’s not a conflict because it’s a different entity. While technically true, the client definitely doesn’t feel that way, and I should’ve been alerted before the other matter was cleared. I feel like suing a current client should be a once in a career thing not a twice in a month thing. I’m very displeased with the response and have flagged it for the head of my office.
I’m concerned that this firm’s approach to conflicts is harming my reputation with my clients. I’m wondering if this happens everywhere or if this is reason to move my practice. I’m currently pregnant so I’m not leaving rightthissecond but I get calls every day from colleagues in other firms and of course from recruiters. I could spend my maternity leave considering other options. Wwyd?
You’ve laid out reasons you’re unhappy, that might cause you to investigate other jobs. What I don’t see are any reasons for staying put. Are there equal reasons for staying where you are?
A big hesitation is how would a new firm be re conflicts checks on your inbound work? B/c that is something that they can survive messing up but you can’t and IMO they act accordingly. Beware.
And if they don’t blow that, will you get credit for all that work or will someone else get it by default or some old firm rule?
Good question. What makes me most hesitant about moving is working to develop my reputation again at another firm… with a baby. I’m trusted here. I have a lot of flexibility in terms of hours and availability. It’s nbd for me to wfh if I just don’t feel like getting out of bed — something I’ve been very happy about lately and I’m sure will be invaluable when baby comes. My “no” is generally respected when I can’t take on new matters from other partners. I have decent control over my schedule. My compensation would be better elsewhere but that alone isn’t enough for me to move, the flexibility is more important.
So look for that in the interview process. If you can’t find a better job, stay.
Real talk: a nonequity partner with a $500,000 book of business is not going to get the fastest/best service from conflicts at any large firm, unless she’s part of the dominant practice group at the firm or her book is made up of matters for much larger clients. This is not a reason to switch firms, unless your practice is unusual/out of step with the prevailing business of the firm. (E.g., you’re trying to build a practice representing start up founders and the rest of the firm is doing patent litigation for Fortune 50 companies.)
Do you otherwise feel as though your practice area is valued/invested in by the firm? Would moving firms give you more resources to grow your book? Those are the questions you should be considering during maternity leave.
Tips for snapping myself out of a horrible news headline-driven mood? I’m a Chinese immigrant on a work visa waiting for my green card and so, so discouraged at all the news recently. There was a headline yesterday about Rubio “aggressively revoking Chinese student visas” and “enhancing scrutiny” for all future visa applications from China. I need to travel internationally for work (scaling back now to every quarter vs every month) and have a work trip planned for June. The new visa restrictions don’t necessarily impact me yet but it feels like it’s just a matter of time before something happens. I have a pile of things to do at work, but I just can’t focus. Help me stop wallowing…
Subscribe to a weekend print newspaper and just consume that. If it’s important, it’ll be in that paper. And weekend papers aren’t designed to be clickbait, which means they aren’t designed to provoke anxiety in you.
Your emotional reaction is good for their business model. Give them money instead of your emotions.
Plus, you then only engage with potentially stressful content once a week, which is plenty unless you actually work in an industry where you need to be up on the headlines more often.
Visa/green card changes will or won’t happen whatever you do. Time box your engagement with the issue so you can mostly focus on your life.
knitting vs. crochetting vs. needlepointing – i want to learn one of these things to keep my heads busy, i did learn to knit at one point but dont recall. which is easiest to learn, least expensive and has the most longevity?
I don’t know needlepoint, but I do know how to knit and crochet. Both are very accessible and not too expensive to pick up. There are tons of great videos on both.
I’d focus on whichever craft you like the look of the best. Especially because this will result in physical objects! I enjoy making things that I can actually use.
Agree with this advice. IMO, knitting is the most versatile of the three crafts, and I prefer the look of knitted pieces (hats, scarves, sweaters) over their crocheted counterparts.
I would focus on what you actually want to have. Creating results in finished work, and that finished work needs to go somewhere! Do you want lots of cross-stitch art on your walls? How about little crocheted critters lying around? Do you have kids in your life to give them to? I’m a knitter myself because I like to make things that are useful, and I like knit clothing. (Hats, fingerless gloves, cardigans, etc.)
I love all three. Crochet and needlepoint are easier but needlepoint is sloooooooow at the start. Needlepoint is generally more portable. Knitting gives a nicer finish to items. I say look at project kits for all three crafts and choose a beginner kit that you like to start there.
I do both knitting and cross-stitching and have a basic understanding (but limited skill) in crochet. I feel like cross-stitching is probably the easiest to get into on a one-project basis because craft stores have so many of those kits that come with everything you need (hoop, needle, thread, pattern, material, etc). I think of cross-stitching a little bit like a sewing paint by numbers. You don’t need to have any specific skill (it’s in one hole, up the other) in the way the pattern tells you go. And then if you like, you can get another one and start building up your supplies from there.
Knitting or crocheting are more versatile. You’ll end up with stuff you can actually use. But it’s harder than needlepoint imho because you have to count and sort of pay attention. If you’re like me and struggle to even keep track of your reps at the gym, you may struggle at first.
Needlepoint/cross stitching can be more complex in terms if the types of stitches you’ll do but it’s easier to do mindlessly, ie without counting, if you’re following a printed pattern. That said, it’s more expensive to start than knitting if you’re buying printed patterns or kits.
I think knitting is not the easiest, but has the most longevity and versatility. Needlepoint can’t be used for garments generally, so you’re limited to pillows and wall hangings. I think crochet can be a BIT easier than knitting–it normally uses one needle instead of 2, if nothing else– but tends to produce fabrics that are stiffer, thicker, and/or lacier than simple knit fabrics, which I find less versatile. For all of them, cost will vary wildly with the cost of materials – e.g., you can use cheap acrylic yarn or hand-dyed cashmere yarn. For me, part of the pleasure is from using beautiful materials, so it all adds up.
I knit and crochet and I find crochet easier and more relaxing. Knitting makes nicer garments, as others have pointed out. Crochet is better for blankets (baby size and adult size), placemats, tablecloth runners, and doilies. It really depends on your personality and lifestyle. I will say that I haven’t knit in several years because crochet just seems much more calming.
All of this. Crochet is my primary fiber art, and I love it. The drawback for me is that crocheting tends to use more yarn than an equivalent knit item. That cuts down on the amount of things I can make using really nice yarn because it’s too expensive. I do mostly thread crochet now as cotton thread is by far the most affordable natural fiber.
How much do you want to have to look at the work? In terms of visual involvement (and therefore TV-friendliness), I’d say knitting requires the least looking, crochet is in the middle, needlepoint is constant looking.
I do all three and agree with this.
Also, crotchet tends to be easier to lug around for beginners (just one hook, and if you drop it the potential for an unraveling disaster is limited). I do drag my knitting projects with me, but I’m also very comfortable picking up dropped stitches, using lifelines, etc. Needlepoint has too many fiddly accessories to be portable for my tastes.
Ugh, autocorrect…
My pandemic hobby was crochet and I’m still loving it. I tried to knit, but knitting is harder than crochet. All of my knitting “projects” ended up looking like piles of trash that someone lovingly created out of yarn. I bought a Woobles kit online (a green dinosaur named Fred), and found their videos and invite-only Facebook community to be really helpful resources. I’ve since used my crochet skills to make a tote bag, a basket, and I’m working on a blanket.
I know how to knit and needlepoint, and with knitting I can create objects that I can give away, as donations or gifts, or actually wear. It’s not inexpensive if you want to use nice yarn, but the cost of entry can be low. I find it to be a very social activity as well, where needlepoint really wasn’t.
I would choose knitting, and learn to knit “continental” with “German purl”, that’s the most ergonomic way and better on your wrists.
Knitting is very versatile, and be both meditative and challenging.
I am a lifelong cross-stitcher. I know how to knit, but am never motivated to pick it up. I like stitching because you can pick a project big or small, and it’s easy to gift things to people (as opposed to needing size info, etc.)
Agree on the recommendation to start with a kit, although I hate the hoops that come in those!
Sticky question that is for now purely theoretical, but could become very real in a year or so.
With the ongoing housing crisis and lack of rich parents, the only way I see being able to afford a house in the next decade is if I go in on it with family. I’ve told my parents and siblings that I would love to go in on a house with them as soon as we get a little more career stability and would want to buy a house. Should be coming up in a year or so, with the promotion track my husband is on. One of my sisters moved in with her boyfriend a few months ago, good for her, glad they’re happy, no judgement. But I also wouldn’t want to extend the “let’s buy a house and live together” invitation to someone who isn’t family. Other sister is getting married, and I’d buy a house with her and her husband. Am I being a old-fashioned bigot here? Complicating factor is that I am still involved in the religion we grew up in and she had drifted away, and living with a boyfriend is considered immoral in that tradition. I’m pretty sure my rationale is based on the legal protections afforded by marriage (and therefore divorce) as well as the commitment to the relationship expressed by getting married.
Sounds like you should focus on your own affairs and buy or not buy a house on your own and stop meddling and judging her life.
I wonder if the hang-ups you describe (I’m not judging you) make it unwise for you to try to house-share.
All of this is so yikes.
I cannot imagine living with my spouse and other family members (including their spouse or kids) in one house, so take this with a grain of salt. The first question I have is why do you need to buy a house? I know that has always been the American dream, but a lot of my friends are finding out that buying a house that they can afford has a lot more problems and issues than continuing to rent, especially if you couldn’t afford the mortgage on your own. There is nothing wrong with renting, especially with current interest levels and future economic uncertainty.
The second question I have is why you would want to put that additional stress on your marriage. Whenever you live with someone issues arise (who does which chores, how are household expenses divvied up, etc.), and it seems like adding another couple (especially a potentially unmarried couple) to the mix would create additional room for conflict. I know many other cultures have extended families living under one roof, but as an American, this would be really odd to me and I wouldn’t want to risk my marriage on this.
Finally, I think you’d need a pretty big house to accommodate two families. Instead of looking for a large house, could you and your husband focus on something smaller for just the two of you?
Why buying a house would be nice: I want to be able to paint my walls and plant a garden. Rent on my apartment has increased over 60% in the last 5 years. The last apartment I was in was sold out from under me and I was forced to move.
There’s also an element of wanting to spend more time with family and relying on each other, since I feel like there’s ongoing erosion of social structures that people used to rely on.
Don’t destroy your relationships over paint
Don’t buy a house with someone you’re not married to without appropriate legal protections in place to govern dissolution of the relationship and/or sale of the property. That rule isn’t just for couples – it applies to situations like yours as well.
If your sibling divorces, the divorce will need to settle what happens to their jointly owned portion of the house you all buy together. They might be able to force the sale even if everyone else wants to stay. So from your perspective, it doesn’t really matter if sibling and ex are married. YOU are not married to them, YOU do not get your property disputes mediated through divorce court.
If your sibling and/or spouse dies, does their portion of the house go to their kids? What if they’re minors? What if the kids want to sell?
You all will need to sit down with a lawyer to hammer out the details of how this thing works and what happens if someone wants out.
I totally agree with this. I think that you are being a bit old fashioned because married vs unmarried doesn’t even enter into the equation for how easy/difficult it will be for you to make decisions about the house or about how the deal is structured.
Also if I were the sister who was unmarried and was distancing from my faith in general, then my other siblings excluded me from this compound for that reason, I’d feel hurt.
The legal protections piece should be handled in the home ownership papers, very clearly.
Given that, to me it sounds like you are attached to your own idea of what constitutes family, which is your prerogative. But my guess is that adhering to that definition in this context will have ramifications on the relationship with your sister.
Again, it’s your call. But don’t rely on marriage to manage communal property ownership; research & create a very clear contract about this property.
I agree with all of this but even the clearest written contract/deed etc can still be dragged into court and fought on the most absurd of grounds. maybe you win in the end but only after hundreds of hours of your life and thousands in legal fees.
If I asked someone how they could ensure that a happy family all hated each other in a decade, your post would be a great starting point. All of this is going to create drama for very little benefit.
+ 1 from a lawyer who saw this kind of thing go wrong too many times.
I’m curious to know if your family are immigrants and what faith this is. Giving Mormon vibes.
Whether or not your co-purchasers are married to each other or not:
You ALL need lawyers.
What happens if your sister marries her bf and the four of you buy a house together, and then she and her husband divorce? He owns part of the house and it’s subject to division in divorce.
Talk to a lawyer before thinking any more about this scheme.
Move somewhere cheaper and buy a house with your husband.
For real.
Leaving aside the whole religious angle…if OP and her husband cannot afford a house on their own, that tells me they have unrealistic expectations about their housing requirements or are low enough income that financial stress is going to be a real factor for a long time. Making the housing situation even more complex than usual doesn’t seem like a good idea at all if money is that tight.
It seems like if it’s such a financial stretch where any kind of home ownership is out of reach, you wouldn’t be able to afford a big enough house to live in comfortably with another family? Can you afford a condo instead?
+1. You would need an extremely large house to have six adults (three couples) plus children living there. It would need at least 5-6 bedrooms. I don’t see how it would be THAT much cheaper than a condo or smaller home for just your family.
The better way to do this is to buy a multi-family building and rent out units to your sisters’ families or your parents if there is mutual interest. But what I’m not getting from your post is any hint of mutual interest in this plan from your family. Do they share your vision?
Yeah, I think a duplex/triplex would be the way to go if you do this at all.
Sometimes I fantasize about having a big family compound, but in my fantasy I retain full ownership :)
I think my questions would revolve on are we talking a duplex or other similar multi-family unit? As others have pointed out, I don’t think the marriage aspect guarantees anything. But also, how would your actual lifestyles be compatible? Why not just rent a larger place together to see?
This idea is so fraught that I struggle even get to your actual question. I suspect that your line is drawn for reasons other than the legal, but also the legal does add one more layer of messy to a very messy situation. It sounds like you place extremely high value on family and I would not risk those relationships for the pursuit of a rung on the property ladder.
I am a big worrier. I always were, but it is worse now, perhaps because I am older, perhaps because of menopause, perhaps because of a stressful workplace, perhaps because the state of the world. I do not know. Can anyone relate? and what do you do about it?
Lexapro or another med. Hard exercise every day. A mindfulness practice (yoga, meditation, prayer, pick your preference.) HRT. As a fellow traveler, my experience is that the meds are the biggest game-changer, but it doesn’t really matter what you start with – just start something to help you feel better, and then you can expand from there.
thank you for answering, it means a lot
I agree with this 100%. I am a big worrier; always have been. Frankly, I come from a long and illustrious line of worriers.
Lexapro has made all the difference for me. I resisted meds for a long time, but eventually I allowed myself a trial period. I wasn’t “fixed” or even all that different, but the anxiety was just softer. And softening the anxiety has allowed me to address it, bit by bit — for me that’s running, yoga, and talk therapy, but for you that might mean HRT and a hobby, or morning walks, or whatever.
And I’ll just say to you the thing that my lovely aunt said to me that allowed me to try the meds: you don’t have to feel the mild- to moderate- (to severe) panic all the time. It can be changed, and you deserve to feel a little lighter.
A combo of good sleep and food, consuming less internet, and working my body until it’s too tired to be anxious works for me.
thank you, good advice