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![A woman wearing a rust-colored blouse and white pants with a belt](https://corporette.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/Anthropologie-Puff-Sleeve-Sculpted-Blouse.jpg)
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I don’t usually go for shades of brown (I’m a winter, after all), but this caramel-toned blouse from Anthropologie caught my eye.
I would wear this puff-sleeved blouse with navy trousers for the office, but I’d also love to see it with some white tailored shorts for the weekend. Come fall, I’d wear it with a plaid blazer for a collegiate look.
The blouse is $98 at Anthropologie and comes in sizes XXS-XL and 1X-3X. It also comes in white and black.
PSA: if you’re a Nordstrom card holder you’re probably eligible to shop today – don’t forget to set today as your personal double points day if you can! Also, remember that even if things are sold out now, if they were on your wishlist you’ll be notified if they come back in stock in your size…
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Anon
Chapter 13 here. I know I haven’t posted in a while. My lease is coming to an end and I’ve found a new apartment near my same neighborhood that has good reviews and would save me $650/month (and I like the unit a lot better!). I applied last night – please send prayers/vibes/thoughts that I get approved! Sometimes I am approved for apartments and sometimes I am not – it’s really a toss up.
Anonymous
Chapter 13, so good to hear from you! Good luck! Saving that much per month would be huge. You have all my good energy coming your way.
Anon
Did you end up passing your security screening for your job?
Anon
YES! I did! Sorry to not update the hive, but thank you for asking!
Anon
Hey that’s awesome!!
Anon
Congratulations! Really happy for you!
Anon
So happy to hear this!!
Senior Attorney
Hooray! Good luck with the new apartment!
Lexi
Great news! Congrats!
go for it
Hooray! Sending best wishes.
Anon
Congratulations on the security screening and good luck with the apartment!
Anonymous
Good luck!
Vicky Austin
Vibes!!! And congrats on all your successes lately!
anon
Sending all the good vibes, but, listen…. even if this doesn’t work out you’ve made such ENORMOUS strides. I hope you get it, but if you don’t it’s a mere page turn in the bigger story. As a follower since day 1, I am deeply proud. Keep it up!
Jewelry Advice
At a skin cancer check recently, the PA noticed that the skin below my wedding rings had become red and patchy. She told me to stop wearing the rings for a while, gave me a sample of what I think is a steroid cream, and told me to use it until it cleared up. I did that, and also cleaned the rings (admittedly, am a bit lazy about this) and replaced the plastic spoolie thing I use at the base of the outer ring to prevent them from slipping off my finger.
All goes to plan, but about a week after wearing the rings again, the skin condition is back. Am following the same process, but wondering if anyone else has had experience with this. I had my rings redone about five years ago at a really nice (and high end) jeweler; I can’t remember if they are platinum or white gold, but no trouble until recently.
Is it me, the jewelry, age (I blame everything on being almost 65)? I don’t think it is worth a trip back to the derm but maybe the jeweler? Appreciate any (kind) advice about next steps. Really upgraded these rings when we redid them, I love them, and want to wear them!
Anon
I’ve not personally experienced this, so take my advice with that in mind. But eczema and other skin responses can happen really anytime, for no good reason. I bet this happens not infrequently. Can you go to a jeweler and explain the situation? They might not be helpful, but they might have some solutions that you don’t know about.
Good luck! This sounds really frustrating.
Anon
If they’re white gold you could try getting them re-dipped at the jeweler. Otherwise, it’s not uncommon to suddenly develop an allergy.
Anonymous
+1 Maybe the plating has worn off over time?
Anon
This sounds like eczema; my aunt has had bad eczema her whole life and has never been able to wear rings – my uncle still jokes about the money this saved him on an engagement ring!
Anon
My daughter has eczema and very sensitive skin and she can’t even wear 14k gold earrings for more than 12 hours or so without irritation. I do think she can wear her wedding ring though. Try without the plastic adjuster (get rings resized as the comment below suggests).
Anon
I had this issue for awhile and it went away. I took a break from my rings for about a month and then when I started wearing them again was really conscientious to take off when washing hands or doing dishes – I think soap was getting trapped under and causing issues
Anon
In the meantime, if you are missing wearing a ring, I recommend Qalo for silicone ones. Some sparkle. I had to get one for my mom for chemo weight loss and a hospital stay and she loved having something on her hand that she didn’t need to worry about.
And upvoting the “stuff can just change with your body” randomly. I went from OTC allergy meds to allergy shots and eventual sinus surgeries despite in the same house for over a decade.
Anon
+1 on Qalo. I wear mine all the time and nobody has ever commented on it being silicone.
Anon
I have trouble with a lot of jewelry, especially on my hands, and I’m pretty sure it’s because they trap moisture (and maybe also soap and sweat- I definitely get rashes from soap sometimes). You can try to be really careful about rinsing and drying well when you wash your hands, but I just don’t wear rings and am very picky about watches. It might be worse in the summer when it’s hot and humid, so just taking a break until fall could help.
anon
I had this with a thicker 14k white gold ring that I did not get redipped. turns out I had a nickel allergy. stopped wearing it, never had the issue again. i can wear thinner rings and higher karat rings with no issue.
Former Junior Associate
+1 on the nickel allergy hypothesis, depending on the ring material. Platinum should be nickel-free, but all yellow gold (maybe all white gold too?) is an alloy with some amount of nickel, and your skin can develop a reaction to that even after years of no issues. I was able to solve this with a coat of clear nail polish inside the offending ring which kept the nickel from actually touching my skin. I especially liked Orly’s rubberized base coat, which was durable and also kept my ring from slipping.
Anonymous
Also, have you recently changed nail polish formulas? I’ve heard of some nail polishes giving people eczema or allergic reactions. Just a thought.
Cat
-If they’re white gold they may need replating as it wears off
-maybe try leaving them off at night? if you never remove them other than for cleaning, it may be you’ve gotten more sensitive to trapped moisture, product, etc.
Anon
I have to take my rings off after I wash my hands. I put them on my thumbs above the mid knuckle until they’re dry and my ring finger skin is dry. It’s just for a few minutes and now I don’t get that skin condition anymore, which I used to have all the time.
Anon
Edited to add: after I’m back at my desk or wherever after washing my hands and wearing my rings on my thumbs temporarily, I often put on some hand lotion at that point, when everything is dry. Not every time, but fairly often, especially in winter. It has really helped. Then I put the rings back on over the lotion.
Anon
This right here.
Anon
Plastic is hard on skin, so I would look into a better solution than the plastic.
A real diagnosis of what the skin issue might have helped (fungus? dermatitis? eczema?). Your primary care might be able to follow up with some labs (e.g. B12, B6, zinc) to see if there’s a new risk factor. (Sometimes as we get older, we don’t digest food as well from lowering stomach acid levels and start to get deficiencies on what was previously an adequate diet.) It’s a stereotype that some providers in dermatology just throw topical steroids at everything, and in my experience it is true and also unhelpful in the long term.
Highlander
Could you be sensitive to your ring sizer? I develop a similar-sounding skin condition around latex bandages.
Anonymous
This sounds so weird but this used to happen to me with platinum wedding set. There is some method where you boil the rings with vinegar and maybe baking soda? It was easy and immediately solved the issue for me (after recoating rings, cortisone, etc didn’t work). G**gle it!
312
I had something similar happen to me before. I stopped wearing my rings at night and also used a little Lotrimin cream, the moisture was getting trapped underneath my ring. Hope that helps!
Anon
White gold is a usually 14k, which means 14 carats of the 24 in an ounce come from gold (always yellow) mixed with other metals to make it “white.” Any gold ring should say 14k or 18k or even 22k inside the band. White gold should not need “replating,” since it shouldn’t have been plated to begin with. Gold plate would usually be plated on sterling silver, and it would cost way less than actual gold. The silver tarnish will come through, even when plated. Platinum is nearly always pure platinum –no mixing. It should be stamped “PT” or “PLAT.”
That said, white gold is mixed with more nickel than yellow gold, so it’s more likely to cause an allergy at some point.
Anonymous
White gold is usually “dipped” or plated with Rhodium to make it more white.
When the Rhodium wears off, it still is white gold, but can sometimes have a yellowish hue to it.
A freshly done Rhodium plating will have no yellowish hue and will be more similar to platinum’s color.
Anonymous
I had this problem (and it was Itchy). I stopped wearing them for a while, had them cleaned by a jeweler, and bought a dishwasher! I have not experienced the problem for years. I think dishwashing detergent caused it, in my case.
rings
I don’t wear my rings for dirty activities: not to the gym, not while I’m hiking, not while I’m cutting vegetables, not in the shower, etc. That helps keep the rings cleaner for longer, and ensures sweat/dirt/onion fumes don’t get trapped on my finger for long periods of time.
I also remove my rings and apply lotion after washing my hands. I wait until the lotion is mostly soaked in to put my rings back on.
I have eczema, so I’m always trying to baby my hands!
Anonny
Do you normally wear your rings 24/7? If so, you might consider limiting wear to give your ring finger opportunities to get air and sun exposure. I occasionally get irritation under my wedding rings. When I get home from work (or wherever), the first thing I do is take my rings off. I don’t wear them in the shower, swimming, while working out, or to bed. If I have any irritation while at work, my rings go on my necklace for the rest of the day. Lots of other good advice on this thread, so I hope you figure out something that works for you.
Anonymous
Have you tried changing hand soaps? Could it be the soap not completely washing off under the rings and irritating it?
Anon
It can be just water, trapped water is very irritating.
Unicorn Outfit
Help me find a unicorn outfit for a work event! I work for a medium sized company in middle management. We are wfh and so is our new parent company. There are a handful of us that live in the same major metro as a few colleagues in our parent company that have overlapping responsibilities (data and IT). My boss arranged a meeting for him, myself, and our head engineer to get to know them and how our teams can interact and share resources.
I have no clue what to wear. Normally when we meet up with just our colleagues I would wear jeans, nice sneakers, a simple top and blazer, but it’s too hot for that and it feels a little casual for this type of meeting. I’m the only woman who will be there. The guys will likely wearing chinos and a collared shirt.
I’m a slight pear size 8/10. More of a tomboy, but I’m not opposed to dresses. Hopefully something I could find at a mall brand store or get within a week.
Anonymous
Could you just wear black lightweight pants, a white blouse, a beige (linen?) blazer, and heels? I think you just need to upgrade the basic outfit slightly. I’d get nic & Zoe pants or even those Hilary radley ones at Costco. Blazer should be in any mall store or tjmaxx.
FE
I would do this. I would go for cropped pants, since it’s hot, and wear nice heels.
FWIW I looked at the linked blouses below and think they skew kind of casual if you’re the kind of person who wears blazers.
Anon
You could go for navy crepe pants (more casual/summery than black), short sleeve blouse (in case it’s warm you can take off the blazer) and a lightweight blazer (as suggested). Brown loafers.
Anon
Light weight dresses are my choice when it’s hot but I need to look nice. Could something like this work? https://www.nordstrom.com/s/smocked-waist-cotton-silk-dress/7645812?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FDresses%2FDaytime%20Events&fashionsize=size%2FWomens%20Clothing%2F10%2C%20M&color=310
Anon
This isn’t explicitly bad but I recommend not wearing this. You didn’t say this it explicitly but it sounds like your firm was just acquired? You want to be the one kept in the case of any redundancies, which it sounds like there are. The black pants and light blazer someone else recommended is a great choice. In that meeting too make sure you come across as not only informed about your own role but also interested in meeting and working with your peers from the other org (eg while waiting for the meeting to start, introduce yourself to new colleagues instead of talking to former coworkers, ask informed questions about what tools they use or any processes that might be different, take notes, etc).
Anon
I agree, that dress is a little too ladies who brunch for an important business meeting. I would wear some neutral office pants, a shell and heels. Add a nice pair of earrings and a neutral lipstick. Are you outside for extended periods of time? I have a subway commute and in the summer I just drape the blazer over my arm until I get to the AC.
pink nails
I actually really like that dress but would not wear it to a work meeting where I’m creating a first impression.
I agree with the first comment to slightly upgrade the basic outfit to lightweight pants, simple top, blazer. I’d go with loafers instead of heals.
Cat
This is not what I’d choose to project authority at work. Something more structured & tailored would be better.
Loofah
Agreed, if you want to go the dress route I’d do a tailored shirtdress. Otherwise the pants/blouse/blazer combo is the way to go.
Anon
Oops! This was my suggestion and it looks like I was way off. Glad you got some better advice. Good luck!
Anon
Blouse rather than top and blazer, lightweight pants rather than jeans, and flats rather than sneakers.
I live in the Bay Area so being too hot isn’t usually a concern for me but offices are air conditioned anyway. That said I have a handful of what I call “Sacramento blouses” for days I have to go there, which usually involve a meeting in an office building, then a few block walk to lunch. If I need the formality of a blazer, I can wear one in the office, but ditch it for the walk to lunch.
A Sacramento blouse, for me, is cotton, usually 3/4 or half sleeve, and tends to button up the front. A step up in formality from a plain button down, but I will also accept a shaped button down meant to be worn untucked (no shirt tail bottoms – a straight hem). Foxcroft make these – they are excellent shirt makers.
I will try to link a couple examples of Sacramento Blouses.
Anon
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/7710296?color=600&size=medium
This is a Sacramento blouse. Not sure if you would like the pattern, but this is the kind of thing I feel has enough presence when it’s too hot for a blazer.
Anon
This one is lovely.
Anon
I’m the one who posted the link and I just ordered it!
Anon
Sacramento blouse
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/5705647?color=100&size=medium
Anon
Here’s more of a shirt than a blouse from Foxcroft. Nicely made shirts but this shape is more tomboyish than I’m usually personally looking for
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/5212180?color=537&size=8
Anon
And today’s featured blouse is a Sacramento blouse!
Sacramento blouse
I loooove this terminology, and as a Bay Area gal who will be in Sacramento for a work conference for several days this month, I love the recommendation too! Thanks!
NYNY
OP, you’re getting some good advice here. May I ask what industry you’re in? IT generally skews casual, but if you’re IT support in a more formal industry, like finance, or a creative industry, that might change my advice. In general, if the men won’t wear blazers, you don’t need to either. The equivalent to chinos and a collared shirt would be pants and a blouse or sweater or a dress that splits the difference between tailored and casual, like a shirtdress.
OP
Thanks for all the feedback so far. I’ve been wfh so long I’ve forgotten how to dress like an office goer!
My industry is rather niche, and I don’t want to share too much but skews casual and male dominated. When we have video town halls with leadership, the male executives are usually in a simple button down. I think the only female currently in leadership is the CMO so she dresses a bit more creatively.
I’ll probably go to Ann taylor, talbots, and similar at a local mall and try on some simple cropped lightweight trousers and blouses with some weight or interesting details/patterns. I do have a couple sweater blazers I could bring along as well, but I think a traditional blazer is going to be out of place here unless I go linen.
Anonymous
I would suspect that the plastic ring is the issue. Why not try having the rings resized so they don’t slip off?
Anon
I am so tempted by this blouse, I love the colour, but I know it would just hang in my closet because I refuse to iron.
go for it
+1
Savannah
I refuse to iron as well but don’t have the same mental block on steaming. I keep my steamer accessible and don’t mind giving a quick steam to something. I swear it’s just as effective as ironing for 90% of my clothes.
Anon
What kind of steamer do you have? I have one, but it’s not effective on things like poplin cotton, only silk and poly.
Cerulean
I think that’s just the nature of steamers. You really need an iron for clothing that’s supposed to look crisp like poplin.
anon
Yeah, this. I find the steamer to be acceptable enough and rarely use my iron. Even when I really should, like with poplin.
Anon
+1
Loofah
I bought a conair handheld steamer and it’s great. As the others said, you need an iron for that really crisp look, but the steamer works most of the time.
Savannah
I have a Connair, and it’s fairly heavy duty – not meant to be a travel one.
Anon
Jiffy floor model steamer is permanently set up in my closet area. I turn it on to warm up while I’m brushing my teeth or doing my skincare, and I steam today’s clothing in like 1-2 minutes. I use it at least 50% of all mornings!
Anon
I like the blouse but it would dip too low on me. I refuse to iron too, but make way too much use of a cheap dry cleaner near my house. I just dropped off a bunch of linen for pressing only.
Dermaplane Rec
I’ve been a big fan of dermaplaning for while, usually as part of a facial. I recently bought the electric one by Michael Todd, and now my social media is filled with pics of people who are prepping for dermaplaning by spraying their face with something that sticks to their facial hair, I guess to make it easier to see and remove. Anyone have a recommendation? Bonus if its available at a Sephora or Ulta.
anon
This sounds like it would clog up your tools/blade really fast. I would try better lighting or a stronger mirror before adding a spray.
Anonymous
That is an excellent point – had not considered this.
BeenThatGuy
When I dermaplain, I use a facial oil cleanser to coat my skin first. This makes the blade skim over the skin perfectly and leaves me non-irritated.
Anonymous
Will try – thank you!
HTX
Thanks for sharing this tip! I’m going to add it to my routine.
Anon
Philosophically speaking, I know that many people who are difficult to encounter and deal with have diagnosable issues: IED, BPD, etc. or past traumas. But being selfish and a jerk — that is still a thing, independently of all this?
A difficult person in my orbit always gets a pass. I get that some bad stuff has happened to them. But bad stuff seems to happen to us all (A’s husband left her for his personal trainer, B lost a baby, C’s mom died when she was a child) and yet we don’t act like this. I’m sure that the difficult person doesn’t act like this to everyone else, just those of us who have no choice but to take it (or our choice is to take it or explode and either because of values or costs of exploding, like losing a job, we take it).
Anon
Blaming your conduct on bad things happening to you is such a crock. Everyone has their challenges. Not everyone turns into a jerk. I’ve known plenty of people who have done that and I’ve also known plenty who went through unimaginable challenges and stayed as fundamentally nice and kind as ever.
I think that a lot of people who deliberately hurt others or to weaken laws protecting others have either personality disorders or paraphilias. I think people who are just grumpy all the time and make people around them miserable are just jerks.
Anon
You don’t have to take it or explode. Look into DBT skills.
Anon
Yes. I have a bipolar sibling who is just a horrible human being who happens to also have bipolar.
Anon
Same. My sibling was a horrible person LONG before he had a mental illness or addictions.
Anecdata
Like many things, this is a spectrum, not an either/or : most people aren’t fully, completely free of any influence of circumstance or biology /and/ most people are not so entirely controlled by things outside of them that they lose their freedom (and therefore, lose their responsibility for actions) completely.
But since you mentioned feeling like you need to take it or lose a job — if this is your boss, get a new job asap!
Anon
I firmly believe that there are just some really crappy people out there. When they also have mental health and/or addiction issues, they are awful.
Anon
Mental illness doesn’t make people assholes.
Anon
OTOh, it’s not like a person with BPD is going to present as unicorns and rainbows.
Anon
OTOH, bipolar doesn’t make you take joy in threatening to slit your sister’s throat on her sleep.
Anon
Damn. I’m sorry.
Anon
Thank you, Anon at 11:17.
Anonymous
All the worst people I know are neurotypical so YMMV.
Anonymous
I worked with someone who constantly talked about her rough childhood, bad parents, etc. It became almost like a misery contest if she could find the slightest opening in a conversation. Example: Ice breaker exercise with another department and everyone does two truths and a lie. She reveals she moved 10 times by the time she was 14. Someone naturally asks if she grew up military. She responds–“no, just really bad parents. Parents who didn’t care at all about stability or pretty much anything else.” Do I feel bad for her? Yes. But making that your narrative becomes a choice. Often the information was way too personal (talking about past cutting while we’re in a large group training, talking about swinging while in a small group at someone’s desk, etc.) At a certain point, you need to stop living the role of victim. A 50 year-old still complaining about their parents sucked just isn’t a good look.
I think this coworker not only had some mental health issues (as she talked about having anxiety all the time) but also was a downright awful person. Discussions of anxiety were often an excuse for getting out of things. She routinely threw others under the bus for her own errors, misrepresented how much she contributed to projects, stole other’s ideas, bullied people whom she had authority over, made fun of or openly disparaged her children and her husband, etc., etc. Honestly, it was exhausting. I think you can be mentally ill AND be an awful person. And at some point, not getting treated sufficiently such that you are burdening everyone around you starts to make you awful.
Anon
Unfortunately I think sometimes this is the outcome of a lot of bad therapy.
Anon
I have someone in my family like this. It is just so hard because they can only be pleasant if you go alone exactly what they want to talk about. Trying to move the convo along from a rant about XYZ is “not being supportive.” For decades.
Anon
I know someone who claims she grew up as the “only Asian” in large-bay-area-county. Which could not be further from the truth as I also live in that county. Her upbringing was upper middle class & her parents were apparently quite doting, but she blames all of her adult problems on being the “only Asian.”
Anonymous
You live in that county now, but did you grow up there? I grew up in a bougie county that’s ethnically diverse NOW but when I was in highschool there was quite literally one Asian, I definitely think it effed her up and I certainly wouldn’t hold it against her.
Anon
Yep I did. It has been diverse since at least the 1970s.
Anon
When it comes to addiction and mental health issues, it’s not the person’s fault but it is their responsibility. They don’t get a free pass to be a jerk. It’s on them to utilize whatever medication, therapy, or other tools they need in order to treat people kindly and with respect.
Anon
Right? We all have struggles and stressors and crosses to bear. We also get choices in how we treat others.
Anonymous
Yes of course. Not all bad behavior is pathological.
Anonymous
Since having my first kid I have had this increase in dental work that is making me sad; after a decade of no cavities I now have multiple; and a cracked tooth! I am not even 40 yet and I am just worried I am going to be toothless by 50 :/
Anonymous
This is common post pregnancy. Make sure you stay on point with your cleaning/flossing and nutrition, and you’ll be fine. It will settle down in a year or two post partum.
octagon
This is a thing! There’s something about pregnancy that affects dental health in a major way. I went decades with no cavities and then suddenly had three. It was a minor blip, no issues since then (and I haven’t been pregnant since).
Anonymous
Oh man, this brings back so vividly my MIL asking my husband (sotto voice but I could hear) “well doesn’t she brush her teeth?” after the same thing happened to me, post having three kids in two years (one set of twins). Those kids sucked everything out of me for a while, and I had a couple of root canals/crowns. Yes, I brushed my teeth (obsessively, given how much my mouth tasted off). Thanks for asking, MIL.
Anonymous
There used to be a saying that a woman loses one tooth for every child! It’s definitely a pregnancy thing. And your MIL should know about it!
Anon
Being pregnant leeches calcium from your bones including your teeth. It should be temporary as your body recovers
Anon
That’s a myth! It’s increased stomach acid from heartburn and nausea that is what typically wrecks the teeth while pregnant. Also there are hormonal changes during pregnancy that make the teeth and gums more susceptible to bacterial accumulation. But your body does not pull calcium from your teeth.
anon
That makes sense, because I had terrible heartburn while pregnant and four cavities after giving birth.
Anon
Same, but five.
Anon
It’s a thing. I had my first cavities postpartum and I had five of them! I haven’t had once since. Pregnancy is really hard on teeth.
anon
It is definitely a thing. I had several dental issues after my second kid was born, after a lifetime of having great teeth. It thankfully was a short moment in time, but man, it was not fun.
Anon
I had a cracked tooth at age 31 and I still don’t have cavities/fillings. It’s now just one crown on that tooth. Stuff happens! It’s not necessarily anything you’re doing wrong.
Loofah
I’ve had bad teeth since my adult ones came in; I’m 37 and not toothless yet :). It stinks but some elements are truly out of your control.
Anonymous
I had no cavities. Then I had 2 kids in 2 years around 30 and then all of a sudden, I had a couple cavities.
I’ve always been diligent about my teeth. I still wear a retainer at night (had braces as a kid). My husband is less diligent about brushing, hasn’t worn a retainer in decades and his teeth have shifted. Does he have any cavities? No!
I floss and brush with regular toothpaste. Every few days I gently scrap plaque off, then do a second brush with a high Flouride prescription toothpaste and put my retainer on over that. I take a daily ca-vitD. I’m hoping this prevents more cavities.
Anon
Anyone know of a perfect cool summer blouse that doesn’t require ironing? I bought Uniqlo’s Linen Blend Open Collar Short-Sleeve Shirt, which I adore the feeling of wearing, and the cut, but it comes out of the wash so wrinkly that I feel compelled to steam the wrinkles out. Which makes me not want to wear it. Does Tencel come out of the wash not needing steaming/ironing? Anyone have a favorite cool, boxy, summer blouse they’re loving?
Anon
The gauze shirts that are popular right now (thinking J Crew) don’t need steaming or ironing. They have intentional vertical creasing you wouldn’t want to flatten out. I machine wash and hang dry my similar shirts (hang dry on the hanger) and they’re ready to wear.
Anon
Correction, J Crew Factory
https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/shirts-and-tops/button-ups/gauze-button-up-shirt/BY043
I often wear mine as an overshirt but I also sized down in one and wear it as a stand alone top.
Senior Attorney
I just got a great one at AT Loft: https://www.loft.com/clothing/tops/catl000011/750426.html?dwvar_750426_color=9000 (note it runs huge so size way down).
Senior Attorney
Here’s a longer sleeve version: https://www.loft.com/sfcc-119-loft-promo-bucket-30–sfp-041624/cat5200015/762901.html?dwvar_762901_color=0928
Anonymous
My period came 5 days early after being late by 3 last month. I’m (of course!) on vacation. Yay perimemopause!
Anon
Ugh. I’m 39 and in perimenopause and my period comes every 2.5 weeks. I feel like I’m bleeding or PMS-ing almost 100% of the time. It’s awful!
Anon
Solidarity. I’m 43 and the wacky timing/intense symptoms really only started in the last year. I haven’t felt such intense rage during PMS since I was a teenager (and I’m already on Wellburtrin!). I intend to ask about HRT or other options at my next gyno visit. In the interim CBD and very regular exercise (cardio and weights) have helped.
Anon
Thankfully my PMS is not too bad (yet?) — I always had horrible cramps, migraines and mood swings before my period, but they improved a lot after I had a baby in my early 30s and never really came back. I just hate that it comes so frequently!
anon
I’m also 39. Curious – what role does an IUD play in masking peri symptoms? Is it just delaying the onset? Things I should prob ask by PCP or Gyn, yes…
Anon
My only symptom is short cycles, so I don’t think I’d really be aware of it if I was on hormonal birth control or had an IUD.
Anon
Solidarity. I once planned a wilderness trip SPECIFICALLY to avoid my period and then it somehow magically changed its time the month before to ensure that it started with a vengeance the day we pushed off.
Anonymous
Does anyone pay for Substack subs? Strongly considering Anne Helen peterson’s but they’re so expensive!
Anon
I pay for quite a few, I think content should be compensated. That said, I cancelled her after she took a strong anti-Israel stance, which I do not agree with and do not want to support in any way.
Colette
Agreed. No longer follow her for the same reason.
Anonymous
carp i didn’t know that about anti-Israel stance. i feel like the anti-israel stance is strongest among university folks – didn’t she used to be an academic? it’s such a marked difference i feel universities are being targeted especially for disinformation/hysteria.
Anecdata
I pay for one for a small outfit that does niche investigative journalism in an area I both care deeply about, and think needs the sunlight of investigative journalism (and the outfit does a great job). I would pay for it even if I didn’t have time to read their articles – my primary goal is supporting their work; I can see how it would feel like a lot to pay for compared to other ways of getting reading material. Substack’s fees do seem high, and I know they’ve gone back and forth on which platform to use to manage subs.
Anonymous
I subscribe to a few different authors I like. They can set their own prices, I believe, some of mine are really low $$.
Anon
I totally agree that substacks are so expensive! $5 a month for a handful of newsletters (usually ~1 a week) is absurd! That’s more expensive than most reputable new sources which are ~$4 a month for 10s of new articles daily. Especially since for many substacks, what you are paying for is the discussion in the comments which isn’t even content created by the sponsor. It seems like substacks have become the new podcast. And frankly it sometimes just seems like the latest moneymaking scheme for upper middle class women who have chosen not to have other employment to make money off the backs of other women (support female content creators! It’s the cost of one latte – wouldn’t you give that up to support other women?)
Anonymous
+1 million to your last sentence. I work for a living. If people want to be paid for their writing it should be more professional than a substack.
anon
+2. I pay for a couple of news sources (NYT, LA Times) but am unwilling to sign up for any other subscription-type models for written media, and definitely not for a substack.
Anonymous
No. I don’t have unlimited funds and I don’t think a single person’s unedited ramblings are worth paying nearly so much for. If several of the better authors banded together to hire a professional editor and offer an affordable joint subscription (in other words, created their own magazine) I’d consider it.
Anon
I’m in mod but essentially agree in that the few ones I pay for are written by professional bloggers who I have followed for years and who offer a really good reader experience (well edited timely posts, moderated community, good discussions). I also only pay for lighter content or niche parenting/disability stuff that’s hard to find elsewhere.
Anon
I pay for a few a year as I agree that good writers should be paid for their work. I usually do the free subscription for a few weeks/month before paying for the upgrade. It also lets me figure out of the content is to my taste or not. I like Virginia Sole Smith’s writing but I don’t really find an anti-fat bias/body positivity/gardening substack useful, and I imagine I’ll unsubscribe from the parenting ones as my kid ages, etc. Plus some folks post once in a blue moon and I just don’t see the value in that. The ones I like best are mostly pros who have long maintained regular posting schedules/blogs and are better at providing (imho) value.
Anona
I pay for What to Cook When You Don’t Feel Like Cooking to get additional recipes. Agreed with the comment above about supporting content creators, and when I found someone who’s cooking philosophy/lifestyle and taste matched mine so well, it was worth the money to get full access.
I also pay for Emily Oster for when I was pregnant/ in the infant and toddler phase, but I’m not sure I’ll keep it as my kid gets older, especially with the new tiered model she’s introducing, tbd.
Anon
Yes I pay for Luca Turin’s –
Relative to my niche interests: perfumery and the science of smell
KS IT Chick
Go Fug Yourself is the only one I pay for, called Drinks With Broads. They recap and comment on TV shows, discuss red carpet events and have a couple other regular features. Most weeks have at least 2 editions, usually there’s three. For about $5/month, I enjoy it enough to get my money’s worth.
Anon
I also love and pay for Drinks with Broads, Lainey Gossip (The Squawk), Anne Helen Peterson, and Is My Kid the A$$hole (modern non crunchy parenting advice that isn’t too Dr. Becky)
Maudie Atkinson
I pay for a few, including AHP’s, and I find it worth the money. I would not pay for unedited ramblings. AHP’s writing is certainly NOT that.
Anon
Here was my process when I first considered substack subscriptions. I was paying $60/year for The Atlantic at the time. I felt like I’d been getting less and less value out of that, so I went ahead and canceled.
I feel good about supporting a writer whose perspective I value, and who would basically not be able to write that way even if they somehow got a job in today’s ever-shrinking media environment. I don’t think of it as an exchange of services, but more like I do about Patreon.
I’ve only maintained one subscription continusly. I dipped into a few others short term to get to know the authors better, and eventually discontinued them.
Anonymous
I adopted a cat yesterday. I did not do this lightly; I spent years thoughtfully considering every article on the subject, perusing adoption websites, and waiting until I was set up with a good financial cushion and a stable home with plenty of space. I’d had cats in the past and adored them, and my understanding of cat behavior and body language is good according to both friends with cats and the people at the shelter.
One day later, I have adopter’s remorse. I don’t know how I can cope with having this animal in my life for two weeks let alone fifteen years. She’s off-the-charts clingy: always wants to be on top of me, won’t stop following me around purring and gazing at me with adoration. My previous cats spent a fair amount of time on personal kitty business so I didn’t expect this velcro situation.
Once you get done screaming at me for being a piece of human garbage who committed herself to a living creature without being prepared to accept all eventualities– you can’t say anything I haven’t said to myself– any advice on what the second best outcome for this cat is? First best would be me never darkening the shelter’s door, but I don’t have a time machine to fix that. Should I return her right away so this is a blip on her lifetime radar? Wait weeks/months to see if she settles down even though I believe in my core that we’re a bad fit, and rehome her after she’s had time to get used to it here? Or suck it up and honor my commitment, dooming a really lovely cat to a lifetime with a person who despises her?
Anon
I know this sounds nuts but I’d consider adopting another cat. I bet the agency can help you find a good match. Bonded pairs are MUCH less clingy and needy than singleton cats.
Anonymous
Should’ve said this up front– the agency and her foster thought she would be best as an only cat. They tried to socialize her and it didn’t go well. People she loves. Dogs she’s apparently good with. But she doesn’t want a kitty companion.
Anon
The rescues I’ve applied to asked about this exact issue (is the applicant looking for more independent cat or a constant companion) and take it into consideration when recommending a cat to an adopter. Did they think she was more independent in her foster home? Rehoming is a big deal and maybe this is kind of a Stockholm syndrome reaction that will pass?
Anon
Yeah, bonded pair being the key word there. This cat is not that.
Anon
It’s a cat — it’s a bit more work than a plant, but it can be nothing. Do you go to work or WFH? Think of it relative to a dog or baby and just give it a week.
I am allergic to cats and kept my sister’s cat for a year when she was deployed. I am sort of afraid of cats from when one attacked me as a kid and I still miss that cat being with me and greeting me when I got home each day.
Anonymous
True hybrid schedule, so I’m WFH two/three days a week. Obviously I was upfront about this on my application but now that I’ve had more than a shelter visit with her I’m a little concerned about how she’ll do when I have an in-office day.
Anon
I would give it some time. She is probably still scared of your house, so she is sticking close to you for now. Once she is more settled, I would guess that she will spend more time on “personal kitty business” as you said.
Anonymous
I would give it some time. She is probably still scared of your house, so she is sticking close to you for now. Once she is more settled, I would guess that she will spend more time on “personal kitty business” as you said.
Anon
She’s so happy to finally have a family, she loves you!! She’ll probably be less clingy once she relaxes and gets used to her new home.
Anon
And yes you sound like human garbage. Get a plant.
Anon
You don’t sound like you know much about cats. They can be wildly different from each other, and their personalities and lifestyles aren’t as predictable from appearance/breed as with dogs since 90%+ of them are random mixed breeds. Until recently, most cats were outdoor or indoor/outdoor, and they weren’t always particularly committed to their adopters (I’ve known multiple cats who rejected their household in favor of another one they liked better).
Anon
This is horrible. Just stop.
Anon
Seriously. This cat sounds amazing.
Anonymous
Agreed, I am. My plants are actually all thriving! (Shut away from kitty of course so nobody gets hurt.)
Anon
Reputable rescues typically have a trial adoption period for exactly this reason. If the rescue you went with doesn’t advertise this, they probably still consider adoptions trial adoptions privately, though they may encourage you to give her a little time to settle in. If you adopted straight from a shelter, you may have fewer options but may be able to work with a rescue if you are willing to foster or to swap and foster other cats for the rescue (donations may help too).
Fit matters; some people are looking for a velcro cat! She may be happier with someone who loves this amount of attention.
Anon
My cat normally spends plenty of time on her cat business, but after I’ve been traveling, she’s clingy AF. So clingy, in fact, that it bothers me, and her predecessor loved attention.
She settles down after a few days. Give this one a couple of weeks. See if playing with toys helps.
Anon
Omg it’s been one day!
Anonymous
Correct. If it’s possible to mitigate the damage, it might be better done sooner rather than later.
Anon
I think the cat doesn’t know that you were an adopter and not another foster home.
Anon
This. She’s adjusting to her new home. Give her time!!!
Anonymous
Give her time. One days says nothing. Cats change. You didn’t say how old the cat is, but their behaviors will change with age. They have short life spans.
Anon
The rescue will probably say to give her time. But one day says something (other cats react to this exact set of circumstances differently).
15-20 years is not what I call a short life span (that is a long time to live with an animal unhappily!).
Anon
She’s nervous right now. Get her toys to distract her & let her settle in. She will eventually mostly sleep, like all cats. It’s been a day! Calm down.
Anonymous
She has plenty of toys, and I would love to calm down. If only it were so simple.
Anon
It’s one day. The cat will calm down eventually. You are the one who needs to calm down.
Anonymous
You hate your cat because she loves you? Are you okay? No wonder you live alone
Anonymous
No, obviously I’m not okay. I would like to do my best to keep my not-okayness from affecting this cat, which is why I asked this question. Like I said, if I had a time machine I would make this never happened, but I underestimated what a mess I am. Thank you for your thoughtful advice though.
Anon
Most rescues have a harder time placing their more independent cats who need more alone time (and who may sometimes warm up to people more slowly) vs. the cats who are very affectionate and attention seeking. The rescue may have another cat in mind for you if you explain that you realized that you’re used to more independence and it could still be a win/win for everyone. I am sure the rescue and the foster would rather have a good fit than just a responsible home!
I have posted before about having to give back a pet I’d bonded with because my household had already committed to a recently adopted pet who decided they no longer wanted anything to do with other animals, period. In my situation, I really did need to honor my commitment to the first pet who had settled into my home and bonded with my spouse, and I still feel like a garbage person because I can’t change my feelings. If we’re a mess, I feel we can at least try to make things work out for the animals.
Anon
Yes, just coming here to say this! Would you be interested in exchanging this cat? I’d keep it for a week, see if it chills out. If not, talk to the shelter and say that this cat is an adorable lovebug, but you were looking for more of an aloof floof and would they consider a swap? You’d be able to give them lots of feedback about Kitty’s personality, and hopefully they have an independent kitty that needs a home. I think that’s a great way forward!
Anon
Yes, this. I can’t say I understand why you’re so freaked out, but most people want their cats to interact with them more, so if it’s really that awful for you, I suggest calling up the rescue to see if they will take her back and find a more suitable home. I have pretty high maintenance cats who spend most of the day following me around the house, begging for my attention, or just sleeping next to me, and there certainly are times that they can be annoying (4 am), but they have so much personality and bring so much love and fun to my life that I don’t regret choosing them for a second, even though they’re a lot more work than the cats I’ve had before.
Anon
Hug, Anonymous.
Anon
What a disgusting response — the “no wonder you live alone” part is so misogynistic and gross.
Anonymous
This seems like an extreme reaction for one day — maybe give it a week before you decide? If you still feel this extreme then, yes return her (or ask the shelter what they think about getting her a friend cat).
Anon
I really think you haven’t given it enough time to see if the cat will settle in, but if you are that unhappy with her already I would take her back. Many people will love this kind of affectionate cat, and she shouldn’t have to live with someone who doesn’t love her/ is hostile to her.
I think we get used to how prior animals in our lives were for most of their time with us, but forget how they were the first few weeks getting used to us and vice versa. I see it a lot with people who get puppies after losing an older dog. Having said that, every pet has its own personality. This cat may never become as aloof as you prefer.
KS IT Chick
I adore cats, and I felt this way when we adopted our cats in October. They were in large rooms in the rescue, and they each decided that we were their people. It was exhausting.
It just takes time. They needed to get accustomed to us and our home. I wasn’t sure that they would, especially the girl, since she was still technically a kitten. I worried that we had made a serious mistake and would need to return her to the rescue.
Now, they clearly adore us, and they are extremely comfortable in our home. They can entertain each other if we need them to. They are good friends, if not completely bonded.
Do you have a safe space for the cat to retreat to if they feel overwhelmed? That can help with the clinginess. We used a small bathroom with the tub set up with towels and a blanket so it felt like a little den. They still use it when they get overwhelmed.
Thank you for adopting. It’s not always easy or love at first sight, but it can be so rewarding!
Anon
Yeah I’m guessing this has a lot to do with the new environment. I have a very anxious, neurotic dog, and while she’s always a bit clingy, the clinginess was off the charts the first few days at home. She would follow us into the bathroom and if we tried to close the door she’d stand outside the door howling and scratching at the door. She’s still neurotic but she doesn’t do things like that anymore.
Anon
It’s been literally one day and this cat sounds amazing. If you need to take the cat back, do it, but don’t get another one. It doesn’t sound like a pet is right for you if a cat lovingly gazing at you feels impossible or awful.
Anon
Seriously.
Anonymous
Yes, and definitely don’t consider a dog.
Anon
Not every cat is right for every person. I feel like no one questions this when it’s a dog; everyone understands that a chihuahua isn’t a sighthound isn’t a terrier isn’t a retriever! Even with other human beings, we understand that what’s exactly the right amount of attention and love for one person can feel needy and suffocating to another person because people and personalities are different.
OP is feeling guilty and understandably phrasing things in a way that invites judgment. But cats can be really different from each other. I get uncomfortable sometimes with cats who tend to weave between legs, beg, fawn, or seek a lot of attention. Cats are still right for me since a lot of cats aren’t like that. Maybe people understand better when it’s breeds, like expecting a Maine Coon to behave like a Siamese or vice versa?
Anonymous
It’s only been one day! If you moved to a completely new environment, would you be completely yourself after only one day there? Give it a month and if you still can’t stand her, give her back to the shelter- they would probably prefer to be the ones to rehome her and this kind of thing happens all the time. But try to keep an open mind- I think judging her behavior after one day is really unfair.
Anonymous
Yeah, isn’t there an expression about three days to be comfortable, three weeks to love you, three months to own the place?
Anon
I have a rescue dog and they gave me the rule of threes too.
Anon
More info: I’ve had the dog for close to two months now. She was extremely Velcro at first and I was kind of like uh oh. Will I ever be able to leave her? She was under my feet all the time and got accidentally kicked/stepped on a few times before she backed off. But I had the presence of mind to realize it was huge adjustment for her and she needed some reassurance.
Now, a little under two months in, I am happy to say that she is the perfect dog. She comes up to me for pets, but has her own doggy things to do (the squirrels didn’t know what was coming!) and I am able to go about my life. With a new companion who really needed a loving home – which she got!
OP give it more than a day! Give it 3 days minimum. Then 3 weeks like the rule of thumb says.
Anonymous
She is probably both extremely excited and extremely nervous about the new situation. Give her some time to adjust and get her bearings. (And let yourself accept the love she is showing you!)
Anonymous
You’re letting your anxiety run away with you. Chill. The cat sounds great. You two will get used to each other.
FWIW I thought about returning my cat every day for like the first 6 months of his life. I think I’m just not a kitten person. It got better when he got too big to be a literal Velcro kitty – as in, claws holding him onto my back/legs/chest at all times, usually starting from a run. He’s turning 20 years old in 2 months. I met my husband when the cat was already a senior kitty and my husband is constantly amused by how our (me and my cat) mannerisms are similar. I guess that’s what happens when you live with someone for 20 years!
Anon
I’m stuck on your line “person who despises her.” That’s an incredibly strong, harsh way to phrase things. What on earth is actually going on here?
Anon
OP needs to trade the cat for a therapist.
Anon
Seriously. How can you despise a creature that just wants to love you…it breaks my heart.
anon
Seriously. And it’s been ONE DAY.
Anon
This! I’m not a cat person, and I understand being concerned about this behavior and even contemplating rehoming because you don’t want to deal with it long term, but “despise” is SUCH an intense word. There must be more going on here.
ALT
I have an 11 year old mostly-Velcro cat and honestly, I lean into it. Yes it’s annoying that he wants to lay on my desk while I work and would prefer to rest his chin on my arm while I’m typing and yes he’s gotten accidentally stepped on, but it’s also SO sweet to snuggle up to a purring cat who just sees you as their person. It does wonders for depression and any sadness, no matter how small. No man in my life has ever looked at me as lovingly as this cat does and it’s so heartwarming.
Give her some time…you’ll both chill out a bit and it will be fine. And if it’s not, you can take her back to the shelter. It will all be okay!
Anonymous
I call my velcro kitty my main man, because he is in fact my main man, he loves me more unconditionally than my husband or any human ever has.
anon
My velcro kitty likes to reduce me to a Trex while working by laying across my arms. There are worst problems to have.
Anon
I don’t have an answer as to whether you should return the cat immediately, ask about a more independent cat, or give it a week or two to see if the cat works out well for you.
What I will say is that I’m sorry this hasn’t worked out as you expected it to. You said you’ve put a years of thought into whether to get a cat before doing so. You didn’t make the decision lightly. We all know that sometimes things in life do not play out as we think that they will, and this situation sounds exactly that way. You aren’t a bad person. You aren’t a piece of human garbage. Please stop beating yourself up. Before deciding to commit ourselves to a spouse, we get to date a lot of people and spend a lot of time with a specific person before making a commitment; there isn’t that opportunity with the adoption of a pet. Because, if there were, it sounds like you wouldn’t have gone on a second date with this cat. And, if this were another person you dated, everyone would understand that. So, it sounds from other comments like pet placement groups offer you a window in which to return the animal – probably for exactly this reason; a person and an animal are not automatically going to be a good fit. And the fact that the return option is offered means this is not an uncommon/unheard of experience that only happens when humans are awful. You are being thoughtful and trying to do the best thing that you can without having the time machine option.
Anon
This, exactly. Gawd people are being so nasty to the OP.
Senior Attorney
If you really despise her, then do both of you a favor and return her to the shelter ASAP.
Anon
This. It’s not fair to you and it is really, truly not fair to the cat who had no say in the proceedings. Give the cat back so someone can love it.
Anon
I do not understand how having a cat follow you around purring and wanting to be on or near you can possibly be a problem if you actually like cats. I think this is perhaps not the pet for you. I think you should give it longer than a day though! But if this just isn’t for you, I think the kinder thing to do is rehome her so that she can live her best life with someone who would enjoy having a loving cat, which I think would be most cat people.
Anonymous
Clingy pets can be too much. I am a dog person but absolutely do not want a dog with separation anxiety that insists on being up in my face at every moment. I had one of these who would pitch a fit if I sat down in a chair and refused to go outside on her own for two minutes to go potty. She howled through every human meal because she wasn’t the sole focus of our attention. It was exhausting and stressful. I much prefer my current livestock guardian dog who is always up for a walk or pets and will lie calmly in a room with her humans, but also chooses to enjoy some alone time in a room by herself (especially when people are watching TV, ha) or outdoors. And as for having a loving pet? I am 100% sure my calm, independent dog loves me more than the obnoxious clingy one ever did.
Anon
Didn’t mean to imply that animals who aren’t clingy aren’t also loving. Just in cat terms, aloof vs social, I feel like more people prefer social cats. My clingy cat can get to be too much at times when she insists on sitting on my laptop for example, but it’s a minor annoyance, not something that makes me hate her. But again, I like a cat that is social and wants to be with me all the time. If that isn’t a what OP wants, assuming nothing changes soon, probably better for both her and the cat to rehome.
Anonymous
This gives ‘animals are property not family’ vibes
Anon
Despite the language of “adoption,” I don’t think it’s always fair to animals to treat them literally like human children (the idea is to keep a cat or dog until it reaches adulthood and eventually is “older” than we are).
Rescues are desperate for forever homes because of the societal norm of just dumping unwanted animals at the shelter where many end up being put down. They lay it on thick because irresponsibility is the bigger problem and the stakes are life and death.
But rehoming a cat or a dog can still be the right thing where rehoming a human family member would absolutely not be.
Anonymous
Yep you’re exactly the type of person I thought, yikes.
Anon
I mean, they are. They are property that deserves respect and care and stewardship, but they’re not people.
Anon
I think animals are people, but they’re still not human children. Don’t project human stuff onto them! If they’d be happier somewhere else, with someone else, it’s not necessarily a crime or a tragedy to try to make that happen for them.
Anonymous
How? I wouldn’t want my spouse or child to be in my face all the time either. A well-adjusted animal or person is not constantly monitoring the activities of a(nother) human.
Anonymous
Wow. Call the shelter right now and return her. She will find a better home. Never get a pet again and whatever mental health treatment you are currently getting, double it, triple it. Wild to despise a cat for being loving.
Anonymous
I agree with everyone in that if you want a cat, I would give it time. How old is the cat? Younger cats often need more attention. Do you have a window space for her to look outside and get stimulation that way? Since most cats sleep half the day away, she’ll probably even out over time. My cat can be clingy at times but will usually go about his business once I’m working.
That being said, this is a living being and if you’re not going to provide it a loving home, then it is better to return her to the shelter.
anon
So if you know this is adopter’s remorse then maybe… entertain the thought it might actually be adopter’s remorse, that is, extremely common and usually something that passes? I had it when I adopted my cat a couple of years ago, now I wouldn’t be without her. Someone else already mentioned the rule of three and it’s also true that the cat you have after today almost certainly isn’t the cat’s ‘true’ personality. Mine sat on my lap on day three and then not again for eighteen months, she chilled out and got a lot more independent when she felt comfortable that the house was her territory. If you really feel you despise the cat then sure take her back but I would give it at least another couple of days. (If that comment was also you about the plants being shut away… I also had plants my cat, a plant nibbler, couldn’t eat, so I kept her out of the two rooms the plants were in, and cats don’t like that; if you’re going into rooms she can’t get into it’s probably exacerbating the clinginess when she can be with you, so if that’s the set-up you need to rethink, or if the plants are more important then she really does need to go back).
Anon
This cat and you are not a match. Please, please take her back so she can be adopted out to someone that wants a cuddle cat. Just reading that you despise her makes me want to cry.
Oliver
Hey, Anon, I adopted this cat almost twelve years ago and I was so certain that I had wrecked my life. I gave him the cold shoulder all of that first weekend while I contemplated taking him back and what that would say about me, and him. I felt all the same things you’re feeling, and to top it off, I had not done the thinking and consideration that you had – I adopted him on an impulse, after a bad day at work. This was in 2013 (and I was a reader here then!) and now, in 2024, that dang cat is the light of my life. He is an old, mellow guy now and spends a lot of time doing his personal kitty business, but he still knows the sound of my car and greets me at the door every single day after work, and I am so eternally thankful to myself of twelve years ago for taking a chance on this cat and for sticking out those first few nervous days/weeks because the joy that came after that has been limitless. Hang in there and trust that you knew what you were doing <3
anon
I haven’t gotten my period in 3 months (not pregnant), but am still getting all of the period symptoms (cramps, bloating, PMS, etc.) and am 41 years old. Is this perimenopause? I have an upcoming appointment with my gyno, but they’ve been largely unhelpful as I’ve been asking questions about what to expect during these years. In case they’re also unhelpful again, any thoughts or suggestions on what else I should be expecting?
ABanon
Maybe the book The Menopause Manifesto could answer some of your questions. I bought it after seeing it recommended here.
Anonymous
i absolutely think this is perimenopause but see your doc to get bloodwork etc. remember you won’t know you’re in menopause until you’re out of it, it’s a solid 365 days without a period.
Anonymous
I’m 47.5 and this hasn’t been my experience of perimenopause; my period has only become SLIGHTLY irregular in the last year. But obviously there is a huge variation among people in how this manifests. But given your relatively young age, I would want to investigate alternate theories.
Anonymous
Most likely perimenopause. Research some of the online menopause providers. I went that route for HRT because my gyno was useless. They actually aren’t taught much about menopause at all during training — maybe 1 class. I’m 45 and my major symptom other than period changes was not being able to sleep.
Anon
The sleep! I’m 44 and on birth control so I don’t get a period and don’t have any other issues, but as soon as I hit 40, my sleep went to sh*t!
Anonymous
Progesterone really helped with the sleep. Still not perfect, but much better than getting only 2 hours a night. My gynecologist wanted me to take gabapentin — it was terrible. I felt loopy all of the time.
Anonymous
At 41, I would still want to be investigating other causes of not getting your period. I know this is not the most common reason, but when it happened to me it was caused by a tumor on my pituitary gland that had to be removed. So it’s worth the work up. Try another obgyn if this one is not connecting with you.
Anon
Non-parent here. Easy dinner ideas for tweens?
I’m taking my friends’ three boys to our country house for a couple weeks of “summer camp.” The activities are easy for me, but I’m stumped for easy dinner ideas that don’t involve me cooking a protein, starch, and veggie every night (ugh). Thanks!
Anon
Get THEM cooking. They’re old enough.
Anon
This and pizza.
Even if they aren’t scouts, a lot of Boy Scout cooking merit badge recipes are designed to be made safely by tweens and teens.
Introduce them to a jet boil and mountain house and cooking on a fire to mix it up or on weekends? Grilling?
Anon
This!
Anon
That’s so generous of you! What would you eat for dinner?
Hamburgers + cut up veggies
Breakfast for dinner: eggs and pancakes
Tacos
Pasta with some veggies and meat in the sauce
Anon
I would bring a crockpot. And they are absolutely old enough to start to help! My 12 year old regularly helps trim veggies/make salad/mixes together marinades. Some suggestions that are tween boy approved:
– Salsa chicken shredded and served in quesadillas/tacos/taco salads (chicken breasts, can of salsa, cup of water, cook on low for 6-8 hours depending on how much chicken)
– Pulled pork/brisket – follow this receipe either with an actual brisket or a pork tenderloin (usually cheaper, obviously not kosher) – put brisket over egg noodles, shred the pork into sandwiches https://www.hallmarkchannel.com/home-and-family/recipes/sweet-sour-holiday-brisket
– Spaghetti and meatballs with a green salad or meaball sliders with salad
– Marinated chicken breasts baked in the oven with roasted veggies, serve with a loaf of bread.
– Breakfast for dinner (I usually do a strata or french toast casserole and fruit salad)
NYNY
So the funny thing about tweens is that they will eat things at other people’s homes that they would be picky about at home. Make sure the meals are things you like, and definitely get the boys involved in making meals. As long as no one has an allergy, you can truly do anything. Cold cereal for dinner? Fun at auntie camp, sad at home. Crudites and charcuterie? So fun!
When I was around that age (a million years ago!), we were visiting my very sophisticated aunt and uncle in San Francisco and she made a big bowl of linguine with pesto. At home, my siblings and I would have freaked out about green spaghetti, but because it was my cool aunt, we ate it and loved it.
Anon
Lots of grilling and agree to let them do it. You don’t have to go a plated protein/veg/starch kind of dinner every night. Let them do sausages in buns, have chips and potato salad around, crudité if you’re worried about veggies, but mainly some fresh summer fruit. Watermelons, cherries, and stone fruit like nectarines get my vote.
The thing to get used to is how much they eat. Take them to the grocery store with you to pick out mains and tons of snacks. And breakfast cereals. Stock up on bread.
I just had a houseful of college aged kids, 3/4 boys, over the long weekend. We had grilled burgers, grilled dogs, grilled chicken (skin on bone-in chicken pieces with bottled bbq sauce brushed on for the last couple of minutes)
I made macaroni salad, this one:
https://www.recipetineats.com/macaroni-salad/ which I like with shredded carrots and finely chopped celery for crunch, plus scallions.
One of the boys (my son) and I made 30 minute dill pickle slices from Serious Eats and had them on burgers and some air-fried breaded chicken tender sandwiches. So good.
Anecdata
Agree with getting them involved, and two good categories to look at are: crockpot/instapot meals & sheet pan meals – basically look for ones where the starch, veggie and protein are all dumped together.
One of my go-tos for “crowd on vacation” is cabbage+kielbasa+potatoes all in a sheet pan baked together, with mustard and olive oil for sauce
Anon
For a recent gathering of 5, I grilled a couple of turkey kielbasas and served it cut into chunks on toothpicks with a ramekin of mustard. Gone instantly.
Trixie
First, this is so nice of you to take these kids for three weeks! This will give the parents such a break and will bring such joy to the kids. And well, if the tweens do not cook at home, teaching them/helping them cook is another activity or project…might not want to do that! Three things on a plate–protein, starch, veggie–is often an easy way to cook. Turn the grill on for the protein, keep a few starches in the house (frozen microwaveable rice, potatoes, good bread, and a variety of salads. maybe they can chop–I hate chopping. And they can bake brownies, cookies, cakes from mixes, and eat ice cream.
I suggest creating a format: Monday is pasta night, Tuesday is tacos, Wed. is 3 things on a plate, Thursday is pizza night, etc. Breakfast and lunch can be make your own: yogurt bar for breakfast, cold cerals, toaster waffles. Lunch is sandwiches, cut up fruit and veggies, chips, and a Popsicle.
Pasta, burgers, quesadillas, tacos, and chili come to mind as options. Don’t know where you are going and how hot it will be, but these things can work.
I would ask the kids via an email to the mom/dad to tell you the foods they like and the foods they do not like. The parent can forward the questions to the kids.
Try to keep this really simple–you are being a camp counselor, cook, clean up staff, nurse, and driver for these three kids. Make sure they do the clean up after the meals. You might even want to do what summer camps do and have a 30 minute chore time after breakfast: pick up your room, bring laundry to washing machine, clean the kitchen, prep lunch, etc. These have to be done before going canoeing, swimming, fishing, or whatever.
You are a gem!
ALT
Honestly, I’d get them involved in the whole process—meal planning, shopping, cooking/food prep. It absolutely can’t hurt to expose them to the whole process and maybe they would like to have input on what they would like to eat.
Anon
Lasagna with noodles that don’t need boiling. I use regular noodles and add water around the edges before baking the lasagna covered. Takes 10 minutes to put together with pre-grated cheese and jarred sauce.
Seafinch
I tasked my 13 year old with dinner duty a couple of times a week since school ended and she has made the following: Sheet Pan Sausage and Peppers (rice in the IP on the side) with Crudite, Spaghetti Bolognese with salad and homemade ranch dressing, steamed brocolli, grilled marinated pork with roasted vegtables (her father did the grilling), homemade burgers (with repeat sides), pulled pork using tenderloins in the IP on slowcook. She has also done tuna melts and mini pizzas on English muffins with Crudite for a few lunches.
Anon
Since there have been some comments about perimenopause, when should I start being concerned about that? I’m 39. I know my mother and aunt had their periods well into their 50s. I honestly didn’t think it was time to start thinking about it yet. I’m on birth control so my periods are regular.
Anon
Peri can last 10+ years, especially if you count from the very earliest stage, which is just irregular periods or shorter cycles. I’m the 39 year old above and my cycle started getting shorter and less regular in my mid-30s and has gotten dramatically shorter (as short as 17-18 days) in the last couple years. But so far I don’t really have any other symptoms of perimenopause, and my OB said it’s very possible that actual menopause is nearly a decade off still. My mom had periods into her 50s too. My understanding is that there’s more awareness now of very early perimenopause (shortened cycles) than there was before, so it seems to last longer.
Anonymous
There’s a huge variation. If you’re curious you can ask for your AMH and FSH to be tested, which is usually only done for fertility testing, though it isn’t a perfect predictor. I’m 40 and going through IVF; my OBGYN and RE have both told me I have at least 20 years til menopause. I guess that’s good news for fertility purposes but seriously I have to put up with this for AT LEAST 20 more years?????
Anonymous
I think that’s also really good news for your bone density!
anon
Most women do not have menopause at age 60! It’s close to 50. It often correlates with when your mother went through it. Most doctors do not want to do hormonal testing for no reason because… why? If you are having symptoms/issues, and they want to rule out early menopause then maybe.
Anon
I think she’s saying she’s going to go through menopause around 60 based on testing of her hormones. I didn’t read it as her saying 60 was a typical age.
anon
It really kicked up for me around 45. Hot flashes,periods all over the place – that lasted about five years. It would really ebb and flow (ha) though. I’d go a good stretch of getting my period 4 months in a row, no hot flashes, then skip two and have hot flashes. On and off with that. I didn’t notice much else other than having a harder time maintaining my weight. I’m 50 now in the home stretch and I haven’t had my period in 6 months and am not having hot flashes and feeling pretty good. Better than I have in years actually. I did not do HRT because of a strong family history of breast cancer (no BRCA or other genes though) and because I felt like I could manage without. Some people need it but for me it wasn’t necessary. It is such a vastly unique experience (like giving birth lol – I remember reading horror stories and my c section was not as bad as I expected!).
Loofah
I started getting really annoying symptoms (short cycles, awful awful PMS, weight gain) last year at 36. However I only have one ovary so I think that played a role.
I’m on the pill now at 37 and it’s helped a lot. I skip my periods entirely. I brought up the blot clot concerns but my gyn said the risk was pretty minimal.
Loofah
Oh and also horrible night sweats and wicked heartburn. So far the BC pills aren’t really helping much there.
Anonymous
i’m the OP with the early vacation period – i’m 47 and my periods have been like clockwork really recently. both my mother and grandmother went thru early menopause but both had medical issues that helped that along so i wasn’t sure what to expect. i got my period early (age 9) so i figured i’d be going through menopause early.
Anonymous
I posted above, but I’m almost 48 and have yet to have dramatic symptoms as far as I can tell. In the last couple of years, I have noticed spotting for several days before my period starts, and one single time my period came a full week early (on vacation, naturally). Beyond that, it has become harder to loose weight, and I’ve gained more in the last 1.5 years, but this could also be the result of starting Lexapro in the same time period. I did have some insomnia before I started the Lexapro but I have had periodic problems with anxiety + depression since childhood, plus there was this whole pandemic thing, so I don’t really chalk my insomnia up to perimenopause. No hot flashes and have never missed a period. At my last GYN exam, she said I would probably enter menopause in 2-10 years. So I’m not holding my breath.
Anonanonanon
I’m 39 and taking continuous birth control, so no periods. But super interested in this too!
Seafinch
I’m 46 and have zero symptoms and have had all my levels checked and they are what they were more than decade ago, and all normal. Cycles remain unhanged since I was 13.
Anonymous
I posted above but I noticed for sure at 44 and mostly it was insomnia, cold flashes (it’s not just hot) and not having my period for a few months. The sad thing is that most gynecologists are not trained in menopause and have no clue either. Someone recommended Menopause Manifesto above, Dr. Louise Newson is another one. There are 50 different symptoms of menopause ranging from hot flashes to obscure things like frozen shoulder. I went the online provider route and straight to HRT because not only do I not want to be on off-label drugs when the issue is lack of hormones, but there is now research that shows that decline in hormones post-menopause increases the risk of women having cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis, and Alzheimer’s, among other things.
anon
In retrospect, one of the first symptoms was increased vaginal dryness in my 40s, and some sleep issues. I was not on OCPs / sexually active at the time. I asked my (older than me female PCP) if I could be starting to go through perimenopause and she laughed and brushed me off. She was totally wrong, and I started having more symptoms soon after. I hesitated to ask her again because she was so dismissive. I waited too long to find a GYN with interests in perimenopause… my one regret. I really recommend that once you hit your 40s to ask around about who the good GYNs are for perimenopause in your area. It is so important to get on top of HRT (there are so many more options now) and other related issues like bone health before problems develop.
Anon
I had no symptoms and didn’t give it a single thought until after I was 50.
Anon
+1 – I’m just 50 and only think about it because it comes up all the time here and in women’s media. But I’ve been continually on the pill for decades and have zero symptoms and that’s what my doc said she’d prescribe if I did. So I’m just rolling with or being very uneventful.
Anon
Check in on your Houston colleagues. We have an office there and there are apparently still over a million people there without power
anon
Houstonian here on day 4 with no power during a heat wave. I also lost power for over a week in May for our freak tornado, so at this point I’m on a waitlist to get a generator since it’s feeling like a third world country around here.
Anon
Us too. We lost power Sunday morning. No childcare. Yet my employer wants me to work from home (apparently i can do that without power or internet?) or come into the office, but without my kids and when one quarter of the traffic lights are not operational
Anonymous
Omg. Welp. It sounds like your only viable option is to work from home without power or internet.
Anon
Are the people in charge in Texas (and the voters who elect them, I guess) ever going to be willing to make the investments needed so that this doesn’t happen multiple times a year? It’s only going to get worse.
Anon
Ex Texan here and someone who had experience within the utility industry. Answer is no. Area is very deregulated, what is still regulated (TDUs) is subject to major regulatory capture by the industry, and basically, the utility/energy companies make their own rules/police themselves. It is all functioning as designed (i.e. the business interests make tons of $$$$$$$$$).
NYNY
Thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts yesterday. We paused the mediation because the two sides were too far apart to believe we would come to an agreement. It’s exhausting, but the process was actually nice, and I came away from it feeling like I better understand the strengths and weaknesses of our case. I really was hoping it would be over, though. Glad I’m WFH today, since I keep sighing.
Anon
It sounds like you had a good mediator, at least! In my experience, both sides getting that analysis can make an eventual settlement more likely, even if it didn’t happen during the actual mediation. Of course, that depends on the sanity of the parties and the kind of advice they’re getting from their attorneys… Sorry you’re going through this, I imagine it’s a lot easier to deal with in a business context than when it’s family.
Employment attorney recs
Anyone have a labor/employment attorney recommendation in DC/MD area? Just got notice after 7 years with my organization, and I think I should probably negotiate my severance and need to have my separation letter reviewed. Came today out of the blue. Ugh.
Anonymous
I’m sorry. Hope it goes well for you
Anon
Kathleen Cahill is terrific: https://www.kathleencahill-law.com/contact.html .
EWD
I don’t have a recommendation but am in a similar boat and my attorney has so far been worth every penny!
Anon
If I am looking at clothes on Am—zon is there a way to figure out what the cheapest colors are for any particular size other than by clicking each one individually? I was looking at the Gossamer undies people had recommended but there’s like 40 different colors and the prices vary between $9-16 dollars, which makes a difference to me.
Anon
If you use the app on your phone you can see all the options and prices at the same time.
Anon
Does anyone know much about surrogacy requirements? I’m interested in being a surrogate for a family member, but I have not been pregnant before, and one previous pregnancy seems to be a requirement in most research I have done. We wouldn’t be going through any type of surrogacy agency so maybe this is just a requirement for the agencies? We’re in NC if it matters.
Anon
If you aren’t going through an agency, you should be able to do it.
However, I would strongly suggest that you get your own attorney who is a specialist in this field. Things often go wrong during pregnancy and the surrogacy contract needs to be very clear that you’re the one in charge of your body: what you eat, what activities you do, what medical care you receive, if you want to carry to term on the case of genetic abnormalities, what to do if there is a medical emergency, what medications you can take when pregnant.
I’ve been pregnant exactly once and had crippling depression: daily ideation to end my own life. I’m extremely healthy and have no personal history of any mental health issues, but was told that it would probably crop up again in subsequent pregnancies. Things like that are why they want you to have at least one pregnancy under your belt before being a surrogate.
Anon
Agree that you need an attorney. My state’s law has very strict requirements about what needs to be in place for the parents to legally be the parents without having to go through a complicated and expensive court proceeding.
Anonymous
The medical requirements are established by each clinic as to the patients they will treat, so there may be some variability depending on which particular practice your family member intends to use. With that said, the American Society of Reproductive Medicine guidelines include that a prospective surrogate should have previously had at least one pregnancy that ended in a live birth, so reputable clinics are unlikely to differ on this point. From a legal perspective, NC does not have clear surrogacy laws, so legal counsel would be very important. There would be a very specific contract and an adoption proceeding involved.
Anon
While that requirement is meant to screen out certain obvious risks (like heightened risk of preterm birth after a prior preterm birth), it’s important for everyone to acknowledge that severe, sometimes catastrophic risks can affect any woman during any pregnancy. Those aren’t “ruled out” by a successful prior pregnancy.
If you must do this, you should have a contract. What happens if the adoptive parents want you to eat only organic food? What if you get sick and need antibiotics? What if the baby has a genetic abnormality and they decide they’re not interested in keeping it (this happens regularly in surrogacy cases)? Who gets to decide on induction vs. waiting for natural labor? What happens if you do something reckless and it harms the baby? Are you prepared to grapple with those questions?
Anonymous
There’s a reason this is a requirement.
Anon
I doubt you’re going to find a clinic that will allow you to do this since you haven’t been pregnant before. I’d work on figuring that out first.
Anon
This is a novel, TIA for reading. Help me think through a family situation. I want to make sure my husband and I are sticking up for ourselves/our preferences but also not being jerks.
Husband and I live in a suburb with our two young kids (under 5). I am an only child. My dad lives in a neighboring town. We have a great relationship with him and he’s closely involved in our and our kids’ lives (babysitting, weekly family dinners etc). Dad’s only other family is a cousin who lives 3000 miles away.
My husband is one of 6 kids in his family. His mom lives in an adjacent state, about an hour drive. She’s a difficult person but we have a good relationship and we see her at least once a month, sometimes more.
Of husband’s 5 siblings (all adults), 4 of them live in other cities that are a train or plane ride away. The local sister, who happens to be the oldest sibling, recently moved fairly close to us (two towns over, about a 15 min drive). Local sister has one kid, younger than ours. We have a good relationship with all of husband’s siblings, they’re all pretty tight knit.
For the last several years, in our current and former house, we have hosted Christmas Day dinner, while husband’s mom hosts Christmas Eve brunch. This made sense because we were the only ones aside from my mother in law who had a house we could host people. The 4 non-local siblings typically fly in to our city/region for the holidays.
Also, we were the only ones with kids, and hosting at our house meant that we could put the kids to bed and then continue hanging out with the family. Our current house is big, definitely big enough to continue hosting.
Now that husband’s oldest sister has bought a new house, she is insisting on hosting Christmas dinner this year. I totally understand wanting to host when you have a new house, I don’t fault her for that at all. That said, it complicates things for us because of my dad. Because I’m an only child, we take special care to include him as much as possible (whereas my husband is part of a big family and my mother in law will never spend a holiday alone even if everyone isn’t all together for every holiday). Hosting Christmas is important to me because we can host my husband’s family and also my dad. Plus, we always spend Christmas Eve at my mother in law’s house so in my view, it’s only fair to distribute the holidays. My mother in law does invite my dad to events at her house, but my dad never really enjoys himself (feels out of place in such a big family, my siblings-in-laws don’t really engage him, nothing in common with mother in law, doesn’t like driving all that way, etc.).
I’m happy to do things differently this year, but for future years, my husband and I would like to continue hosting Christmas as we’ve always done, and suggest that my sister in law host Christmas Eve (taking over hosting duties from my mother in law, who is always stressed about it anyway). That way, the families with kids won’t have to drive an hour each way with tired, cranky kids on Christmas who just want to play with new toys. And my dad will feel happy/comfortable/like he belongs at our house for an important holiday.
In case it’s important; assume my sister-in-law’s husband’s family is not in the picture, and also that we switch off each year spending Thanksgiving with my family and husband’s family (this year it’ll be with my family, which is my dad but also some close family friends).
I get so anxious about these family dynamics, especially since I grew up in a much simpler family. My family is also much less drama. Any advice appreciated!
Anon
I don’t really think it’s super fair for you to get Christmas every year if your SIL wants to host sometimes. I think you could alternate years, and potentially also ask her to include your dad.
Anon
+1
Cat
Longer comment in m-d but yeah, expecting to be the perma-host in a family of 6 kids is not reasonable.
PolyD
Yep. My dad’s side of the family was bigger than my mom’s, so it was more fun to go there for holidays (more cousins to play with). As we got older, we transitioned to doing almost all holidays with my dad’s family and my mom’s parents would come along, as they didn’t really have anyone else to celebrate holidays with. It worked out very well – my four grandparents got to spend time together and my cousins and aunts and uncles all enjoyed spending time with my maternal grandparents.
I kind of feel like, The more the merrier, can be a solution to a lot of holiday issues.
Anon
Exactly this.
Senior Attorney
I feel like you are trying to game out the rest of your life, when really all you have in front of you is this year. So I think all that’s required at this point is “Excited to see your house this year but I call dibs on next year!” And depending on how it goes for her this year, maybe she’ll be happy to hand it back to you, maybe she’ll love it and agree to alternate, maybe she’ll super love it and want to do it every year and have YOU to take Christmas Eve…
Just remember all you can really control is what you and your immediate family do. And also, keep in mind that nothing lasts forever. As people have kids, and kids get older, these things are naturally going to change and evolve so you and your husband need to keep in mind what’s best for your little family.
AnonNY
I agree with this except for the “dibs” comment. In my family, that would be kind of aggressive and also contrary to the not planning out the future
Cat
You’ve had it very easy thus far not having to actually alternate like most couples do. Can’t you skip Christmas Eve with the clan and have that be Dad Christmas?
Also, tread carefully with trying to hang onto Christmas at your house being the rule. Even with good reasons it can come off as bossy, controlling, of course your family’s convenience and comfort takes priority, etc.
Anecdata
I think it’d be reasonable for you and your husband to suggest Christmas Eve moving to your SIL, but not to insist on it. Would an option also be Christmas Eve is at your place some years, with Christmas at SIL’s?
It would also be reasonable for your family to realize that, for kids and father reasons, you need Christmas to be at your house; and you’ll see your husband’s family Christmas Eve, but not Christmas Day.
Cat
Also- consider that this era of “of course all 6 kids are together at Xmas” has a shelf life. Most are likely to couple up, have families of their own, etc. and have their own in-laws to alternate with.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
In this scenario I would propose alternating years for Christmas/Christmas Eve with SIL and ask that your dad be invited to her hosted event (e.g., this year you host christmas eve and she hosts christmas and the next year she hosts christmas eve and you host christmas; your dad is always invited).
Anonymous
Just bring your dad with you. You are being ridiculous there is no critical reason why you get to hold this holiday hostage forever and evermore because you happen to be the first to produce a grandchild.
anon a mouse
Yeah this is the right answer. I kept reading expecting the main question to revolve around SIL not including your dad – but he should be with you, and you should let her host more.
Anon
Kids need to win here. Christmas morning and opening presents is at the kids’ home. You can share everything else but you can’t expect to combine that with kids in two different houses. So brunch needs to be after present opening, if at all. Can you do Christmas Eve dinner at your home with your dad and Christmas Day dinner at either MIL or SIL? Can SIL and MIL trade off?
Bette
There’s 6 kids in that family. Just because you guys got married and had kids first doesn’t mean that you get to dictate family holiday arrangements for ever.
As the personal situations of all of the kids evolve it will change.
As a point – I’m one of two kids. My sister got married early and had kids early and I got married pretty late and didn’t have kids until my early 40s.
When I got married and had kids I wanted to reassess the family holiday rotation to include my family and in-laws. Everyone lives within a 2ish hour drive.
My sister refused to compromise at all and now we rarely celebrate holidays together.
Anon
Amen.
Anonymous
agree with SA – it’s just one year. bring your dad, try to make sure he talks to people; maybe you and he could make a special appetizer or dessert that becomes your thing and then gives people something to discuss with him?
and i’d totally put my kids in PJs if we were staying later than 7.
ABanon
Honestly, I would leave out the suggestion that she take over for MIL, even if MIL truly wants this — so that you avoid the appearance of being the one taking something away from someone. Stay out of it in that regard. Could you continue to host your dad on Christmas regardless of what everyone else is doing? And just sell it as splitting time with your side of the family (Christmas) and his side (Christmas Eve) — not being willing to give that up is fine! Just say you have a prior commitment with your dad or you’re going to focus on your side of the family then this year & it’s fine for everyone else to dine at SILs. I wouldn’t bother planning out hosting every other year or whatever too precisely until you see how everything evolves. Maybe she’ll hate hosting & maybe her family won’t want to drive there or maybe you’ll enjoy being relieved of responsibility & spending more one-on-one time with your dad. Probably some people won’t be happy just because change is hard (no matter how it ends up), so you might as well hold firm on what works for your own family.
Anon
To add to above comments, I think you could agree to Christmas this year at your SIL with the proviso that you, your husband and kids will be skipping MIL’s Christmas Eve event so that you can have intimate family time with your father. Then, in future years, perhaps alternate.
Anon
So your in laws have been celebrating with your dad at your place, right? Then ask if he can be included when other people host.
Anon
Right! Easy solution.
Anon
OP here. Thank you for all the thoughtful comments!
An.On.
Do you need to block off the entire day for each event if you’re an hour drive or so between them?
My suggestion: if MIL is doing Xmas eve brunch, can you have your dad come over for Xmas eve night and then sleep over, he can watch the kids open presents in the morning, then you go to SIL house for Xmas dinner. I don’t think it’s more driving back and forth than you’re already doing, but you might also stash the kids with your dad for the brunch if it seems like a lot for young kids, since the in-laws will see them the next day anyway.
Anon
I think there is something to be said for not feeling like you have to spend EVERY holiday with the WHOLE family.
Kids like spending Christmas in their own homes. Do your own thing with your dad if you want to.
Anonymous
I would do Christmas Eve brunch at MIL the Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas morning breakfast or lunch with just your dad coming over. Then Christmas Day dinner at SIL without your dad (who will have just seen you for Christmas Eve dinner and/or Christmas morning breakfast or lunch .
Anon
It’s probably not going to be feasible to insist that every Christmas is at your house. I’d say you have two options: 1) have a small Christmas at home with DH and your dad, and anyone else on your side of the family 2) bring Dad to wherever Christmas that year is and don’t leave his side – talk to him the whole time, focus all your attention on him so he feels at ease. If he really can’t do Christmas at someone else’s house, the former is the best option.
Anon
You’ve already gotten really good advice here. I’ll just add that my sister-in-law is you (eg, she had kids first, we went to her house for holidays) and even though we now have kids she won’t give it up. So our resentment has grown and it’s really driven a wedge.
If you want to try to “solve” this problem, then do. not. make. it. only. about. you. And do not make an unilateral decisions. Be flexible or you’re going to alienate your husband’s family (and more importantly, keep your kids from that side of their family.)
Anon
Small victory thread – anything that is making your life better/easier these days?
Mine are – buying multiple (3) insulated straw cups that are dishwasher safe so that I always have a clean one for the office. Being well hydrated has made a huge difference in my migraines especially with the summer heat.
My husband bought a gas grill and it is SO nice to be able to hand off 1-2 nights of summer cooking to him as he’s so eager to use his new toy.
Senior Attorney
I got myself a backpack for my carry-on for traveling and it’s been a game-changer. I had been using a Rick Steves crossbody but the problem was that it held so much stuff it ended up being too heavy to schlepp through the airport. It’s much easier to carry a similar weight on my back, so yay!
anon
Which one?!
Senior Attorney
I lusted after the Tumi but I didn’t want black so I ended up getting the Monos to go with my suitcases (some of which are on sale at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale, and which I highly recommend!). Very pleased with it!
Anon
Link to the insulated cups?
Anon
It’s the “Hydro Flask Travel Tumbler Stainless Steel Vacuum Insulated Tumbler with Lid and Straw”, I got the 32oz size
Anon
I also bought one of those straw cups for hydration and I am extremely hydrated now! My creatinine blood test was borderline high before but now back in the normal range. I asked for recs here and someone recommended a wire cutter roundup. I bought the simple modern 40 oz. I have a smaller straw cup from that brand on my bedside table.
Biggest bang for the buck in terms of overall experience is my Nespresso Vertuo machine. NO RAGRETS.
Small thing I wish I’d done sooner is to buy new slipcovers for my outdoor chairs. The cushions that came with the chairs have non-removable covers, but for like $40 on Amazon, I bought nice new slipcovers that went right on and made them look new. I spend A LOT of time out there.
anonshmanon
I have a nice linen fitted sheet from the Company store that feels good for warm summer nights, alas, I feel like even fitted sheets are often wrinkling up and bunching with excess fabric. Little elastic ‘suspenders’ under the mattress help pull everything taut. It’s just a nice little thing to have.
Anon
The purchase that improved my life is a cart for my exercise equipment. It has shelves that hold my massage gun, Noxgear, Achilles/calf stretcher, kettlebells, etc; a side holder for my yoga mats and foam roller; hooks that I use for my exercise bands and gym bag; and a big basket that all the miscellaneous stuff goes into (flashlight, sunscreen, anti chafe, Koala clip, bug spray, KT tape, flashlight, gloves, etc.).
Everything is in one place!
Anon
Can you share a link? I could use one of those!
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/Rack%EF%BC%8CHome-Equipment-Organizer-Resistance-Accessories/dp/B0CCTPCXT5?ref_=ast_sto_dp&th=1&psc=1
Anon
Thank you!
Anon
– A second drying rack for air-dry laundry (which is most of my clothes). No idea why it took me so long to buy another one
– C shaped table for eating at the couch without getting crumbs everywhere or hunching over the coffee table
– Rice cooker. It requires zero attention and the cooked rice can sit for 10 minutes while I finish up the protein and vegetables
Anon
Sorry for my lack of imagination but how does a C shaped table work better with a couch? Is your couch also c shaped?
Anon
Ohhh, I googled that. It’s like a modern TV tray.
Anonymous
Finally finding claw clips for fine hair. The Scunci Open Cut Rectangular Claw Clips for the win.
Anonymous
Longchamps backpack and Travel Pro suitcases (two different sizes)