Coffee Break: Haven Wrap Ribbed Cardigan
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There's a certain drama to cardigans with drapey details like this one from Ruti — and I am here for it.
Ruti is a fairly new brand to me, but I love their take on basics — everything is elevated in a way that is slightly dramatic but also minimal in a cool-girl way, if that makes sense — this cardigan is a great example. The brand was nice enough to gift me a silk blouse that is stunning; I definitely need to update our roundup of silk blouses (especially considering the death of former favorite Amour Vert).
The cardigan comes in black, oatmeal, and a dark green “vine” down to lucky sizes on sale. The cardis are $295 are full price.
Sales of note for 7/29/25
- Nordstrom – The Anniversary Sale is open for everyone — here's our roundup! (ends 8/3)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off wear-now styles + $50 off dresses and shoes + extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 25% off Mini styles (no women's sales currently)
- Eloquii – $19+ select styles + extra 45% off all sale
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off summer styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 70% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – 25% off all previous flash sale items! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Rothy's – Final Few: up to 50% off
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – 25% off your entire purchase + extra 50% markdowns on top of that
Any recs for Santa Fe, Albuquerque or Taos? Going next month for 4 days only and realized it is too short to squeeze in White Sands unfortunately.
I really loved going up the Sandia peak tramway in ABQ and hiking around to the cabin. Beware the altitude, even if you’re in good shape!
I also enjoyed going to sawhill market for a trendy food-hall meal.
Which city are you going to be in? 4 days isn’t very long to do all three. I would focus on Santa Fe if you are flying to ABQ and maybe add day trips to Bandelier NM, Los Alamos (visit the Black Hole!), El Santuario de Chimayo, Tent Rocks, and/or Espanola, depending on what you like. Within Santa Fe, there are some amazing museums; I particularly like the Folk Art Museum. Or if there is something you want to see in Taos, base yourself there.
Update – sadly The Black Hole was demolished in 2022. RIP. https://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/18130
It will also be a lot cooler up in Santa Fe and Taos than Albuquerque due to the altitude – another reason to spend time there in August.
Tent Rocks is amazing, but currently requires reservations so plan ahead. Next month will still be hot so go early and take lots of water.
The restaurant at Los Poblanos in Albuquerque is delicious. Also a fan of the tram. No particular rec for Santa Fe, though I will say I did not find the Georgia O’Keefe museum worth the price of admission–it was very small (though admittedly part of it was closed when I was there). It’s fun to just wander around the Santa Fe art galleries if you like art. Be forewarned Santa Fe is at a very high elevation and pace yourself accordingly for physical exertion or alcohol. (Me, my first visit: “I had one margarita, why am I this drunk?” *googles elevation* “OH!”)
Seconding Los Poblanos! It was one of the highlights of our trip.
Ojo Santa Fe Spa, and Sazon restaurant in Santa Fe
I love art galleries, so I take all the time I need wandering down the mile full of them in Santa Fe. The Folk Art Museum is also so wonderful. It’s on Museum Hill, along with others. Wander through the square.
Taos Pueblo is worth the visit! Eat German food at the Bavarian. Bent Street off the square for shopping. Taos Cow Ice cream. Chokola chocolate shop. Browse boutiques and art galleries downtown.
I am from New Mexico. What do you like to do? There is great hiking in Santa Fe and ABQ and both also have good food and art museums. You’re visit falls in between the major events at Taos pueblo since the feast day isn’t until the end of September, but it is still nice to visit.
Me too! Hi!
I stayed at La Fonda in downtown Santa Fe based on a recommendation here and loved it!
Love Santa Fe. Hated Taos, surprisingly – dark vibes. I got in and out as quickly as possible m.,,
Yes to Ojo. Georgia okeefe museum is a fave. Just wandering Santa Fe is enough for me!
Any recommendations for New Bern, NC? We will have an afternoon there next week.
We went there for the 4th! It’s cute, kind of similar to old town Alexandria, VA but much smaller.
Tryon Palace – we only did the outdoor
Walk around downtown and check out all the bears
Birthplace of Pepsi is ok but don’t expect to spend long there
Lot of good restaurants, Chelsea was our favorite
If you had more time I’d suggest a day trip to Beaufort.
We were also just there. I second the Chelsea – great restaurant. We also loved breakfast at Baker’s Kitchen (there’s usually a wait but they text you). Some great walking/beautiful old houses in the downtown waterfront area. People love the Old Pinnix but we didn’t have time to check it out.
Anyone care to post updates of their prior posts?
I posted during the year I had a terminally ill long-distance parent (working FT, school-aged kids, spouse has less flexible job). My only update is: have parents have POAs that include health care and a HIPAA waiver (and it helps if they are very old or very sick not to have them be springing — when a parent is often only semi-lucid, you don’t want to have to have a court appearance to have them declared incompetent to put in the feeding tube they have dislodged when they are talking about their father who has been dead for decades). Know what a POLST is and where it matters (hospice, nursing home). Make sure they file the death certificate in the right town / county. Be prepared to have to physically to go the bank a lot and gets a lot of papers notarized. It’s rough. There ought to be a class for a lot of this. Mychart hits you with a lot of data that you likely won’t be able to understand unless you work in health care (I don’t). Some hospitals have wretched Wifi and cell signals.
I posted the other day about a friend reaching out after ghosting me because her boyfriend propositioned me for a threesome. I agreed to a call against the Hive’s better advise and she screened my call at the time we said! Reached out a half hour later to say she got caught up in ‘plant care,’ but she had shown up as active so I know she saw my call but just didn’t answer nor text to ask to postpone. I am going to now take the hive’s advise and put the friendship to rest.
Plant care? omg. Well at least that should make your decision rest easy with you.
I was so hurt by it! And confused!
I would be too. Sounds like there is something a bit off with her.
Whelp, at least you’re not left wondering if she’s grown up.
I’m the poster with the Indian boyfriend who wants to move to India at some point. We are still going strong, and have take a few trips to India since. His start-up is doing extremely well and I have had some good career movement. Proposal may be on the horizon at some point.
https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExM3diNXp6MzBmZ3VtemVxNHNsbHBidzA2ZnluNnpucHI3aHc3OHNoaCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/oesbpxx2cl7lS/giphy.gif
Hahaha but yes
LOL.
Oh honey. Haven’t you been together for a while now? “There may be a proposal at some point” is not a good sign. If you’re late twenties onward and have been dating for, say, 1.5 years you should *know* a proposal is coming in a specific timeframe because you’ve discussed it. If he’s offered vague commitments or won’t agree to a timeline in the next six months it’s never happening.
When you add the India thing on top of that…I hate to say it but he’s absolutely going to drop you when his family sets him up with someone.
omg + 1 million
I would love an update from the poster who was going through IVF and had the husband come home blackout drunk. I hope you’re doing okay.
I posted about the rollercoaster of federal employee firing/rehiring/resigning back in the spring.
I’m now 4 months into a new non-goverment job and still mad as hell about what is on in the world, but I’m trying to be grateful about the new gig. I hope all the other fed and fed-adjacent folks on here are hanging on!
I am the poster who had a parent go on hospice and I asked about how to talk to my kids about death. Well, my dad is still on hospice. We are very much still in limbo and I didn’t realize hospice could actually go on for quite some time. It’s hard for everyone. I also was in a car accident a few months ago (not my fault at all, other guy was texting and driving) and broke my wrist and multiple fingers. My car was totaled in the accident so I got a new one and then guess who got hail damage shortly thereafter? So, basically the last year has been a dumpster fire. However, I am trying to stay as positive as I can in the midst of all the chaos. My bones are healing, my kids and I can spend more time with my dad than I thought, my husband is so amazing during this time, my kids are so adaptive and I am working with a PI attorney on the car accident and hopefully I get a decent settlement out of the whole ordeal. Life is just insane at the moment and I hope someday I can report back that things are better. For now, I just try to focus on the small wins.
That is truly a lot. This anon is thinking of you right now.
I’m Chapter 13. I posted about 2 months ago saying I would have news soon and then never posted again. The news was a new, better paying job, but I ended up not getting it. I recently lost my job with the U.S. government due to the downsizing shenanigans. I received a severance package, but I’ve had a very hard time finding another full time job. I took a weekend job but it doesn’t pay much. The package will last me a few more months, but I’m starting to panic as I have navigated job searching for several months now and haven’t gotten anywhere.
I’m thinking of you. Have you reached out to your trustee about modifying your plan in case you aren’t able to make payments?
Thinking of you and rooting for you, from an Anon here in California.
I am the poster that never had the HPV vaccine, because I was always older than the cut off age for getting the vax. And I am still HPV negative, even though I’m over 50. I also have a high risk of cancer from my family history, gene mutation, so I asked my male GYN if I could get the HPV vaccine now. Can’t hurt, right? I said I was willing to pay for it myself, knowing it isn’t officially “recommended” and covered for my age group. My GYN gave me an odd look – he clearly didn’t want to write the prescription. So I kept pushing him why? He finally said that if I find a boyfriend, and I decide I want to have sex with him, then let him know, and he will write the prescription then. A prescription of 3 shots. Spread over 6 months. To reach full efficacy.
Yeah.
I saw my female PCP who agreed the vaccine was a great idea, and she wrote the prescription immediately. And shockingly, my insurance covered it 100%!
Now I’m embarrassed to say I’m still looking for the boyfriend.
This is one of the reasons why I hold the belief that men should not be GYNs.
My worst doctor experience (and there have been quite a few!) was with an older male OBGYN who was filling in for my regular (female) OBGYN when she went on vacation. My pap had come back positive for HPV and they called me in to discuss it. The doctor used the word “promiscuous” to describe how I must have contracted HPV during a 10 year marriage, and he wasn’t talking about my husband.
Best OB/GYN I ever had was a man (his mother died of ovarian cancer which is why he picked the field). They CAN be great; it sounds like one is not.
Do men pick it or is it that no one really wants it and they force match you into it? I didn’t realize for a long time that doctors don’t really get to choose their field. It’s more like preference rounds in sorority rush.
A lot of men pick it.
What? This is not true. We absolutely pick our fields. Some are much more competitive than others. We do rank our training programs for residency match but almost always the applicants are ranking the same specialty, just different locations (it’s frankly pretty frowned upon to rank multiple specialities). If a physician wasn’t to get into a competitive specialty they might change their speciality to a less competitive one. But no one is forcing anyone into OBGYN.
What on earth?! That doctor sounds awful!
When I was in college, I once had a (female) gyn go through the usual health questionnaire at the start of my first appointment with her. She asked if I was sexually active, and then said, “no, right?” with a raised eyebrow, clearly indicating she thought I was too young. Thankfully I pushed back hard and told her yes I was and it wasn’t appropriate to pressure me for the answer she clearly wanted. One of the few times I in my life that I came up with a good retort in the moment.
Well done.
My experience was the opposite. My female PCP in grad school didn’t believe I was still a nerdy girl and not yet sexually active. She kept asking me related questions again and again trying to “trick” me into answering “the truth”. Then she went on to give me the most painful (and unnecessary) pelvic exam I’ve ever had. I held in my scream.
What are some good responses to a friend who is having marital troubles? The background is my husband and I are close to another couple in the neighborhood – they usually seem happy and fun, but a few times now (after drinking and when he’s not around) the wife has unloaded some fairly serious issues to me. Nothing like abuse or anything, but a lot of unfairness. Sometimes I genuinely can’t tell if she’s exaggerating or not. She’s said some contradictory things, and some of the levels of unfairness are so ridiculous that I find them hard to contemplate – particularly surrounding money (they maintain separate finances, which always seems kind of nuts for a long-term marriage with kids anyway, but it sounds like he pays for basically nothing but his vehicle and doesn’t even grasp that’s an issue). But there are still obvious problems even if she’s exaggerating, and there are other issues, too. I genuinely like her husband and consider him a friend, and the things she’s said often don’t match what I see, but I understand that there’s a lot I don’t know and just try not to make judgements.
Last week, she spent a while talking a lot about how she thinks marrying him was a major mistake and wondering if she should leave him. I agree he’s doing wrong, but I genuinely don’t know if she should leave; that’s such a rough road with kids and obviously he would still be in their life – ideally, they would see a counselor and sort of re-negotiate terms, but she says he will not do that. Regardless, I do not think that she will leave – this has happened before, and then they just sort of go back to normal. So I feel like it would be a bad idea for me to take a position and mainly want to show care and support, but I feel so at a loss for what to say. Any thoughts?
I think you can just be a friendly ear – don’t take sides or otherwise opine.
That’s generally my goal, but I could use some more words beyond “Uh-huh,” and “I’m so sorry you’re going through that” and the like.
You need to strongly encourage her to go to couples therapy.
If she were to go on her own, would it still be considered couples therapy? I’ve seen that suggestion before (if he won’t go, go alone), but I guess I don’t really know what that would look like. Would love to hear some experiences.
I will suggest that, but I do think she’ll be very reluctant to go without/against his support – that’s another issue, him not “letting” her do things sometimes (and another one that I just can’t really contemplate), along with extremely limited free time and money.
I meant to say that you should tell her to talk to her DH about going to couples therapy together
Suggest solo therapy. A lot of this sounds deeply passive-aggressive in his part, and a good therapist can help her to understand what he’s doing and to draw boundaries.
He sounds a LOT like my ex husband. It’s taken a lot of therapy to understand the dynamics.
This is actually a good question for Chat GPT
“What would feeling supported by him look like to you?”
“If things don’t change, what do you think life would look like five years from now?”
“What would you want to say to him if you knew he’d really hear it?”
“Have you thought about talking to someone on your own, like a counselor, even if he won’t go?”
“What do you need right now?”
That sounds incredibly frustrating. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with all this.”
“It makes total sense you’d feel overwhelmed—it sounds like you’re carrying a lot.”
“It must be so exhausting to feel like things aren’t fair and nothing’s changing.”
“I can see how much this is wearing on you. Are you okay?”
“You’re not crazy to want to feel like a team in your own marriage.”
“I care about you and I’m always here to listen, but I hate seeing you hurt like this and feeling like there’s nothing I can do. Have you thought about talking to someone who could actually help more directly?”
“I’m really honored you trust me with this stuff, but I also feel kind of stuck—I just want things to be better for you.”
That’s great, I never would have thought of that.
Please don’t outsource stuff to ChatGPT. It’s a horrible process on a hundred different levels.
I just want to add in here based on the experiences of my sister and one of my besties, “but he’s such a great guy” isn’t helpful. Both of their guys were in fact far from being great guys but were very, very good at convincing people they were. This type of response led to both women feeling very alone, and in the case of one of them, putting up with a lot more abuse.
It depends on whether your friendship is primarily with her vs with her husband, but if you’re her friend, don’t try to talk her out of her feelings about her husband. At best, try to stay neutral, but please don’t argue on his behalf when she’s sharing with you as a friend and confidante.
Thank you. I posted above that this guy sounds like my ex-H, and this was, unfortunately, exactly my experience.
+1 I immediately noticed OP calling him a ‘good guy’ too. Guys like that as master manipulators, they keep up the facade for friends and family who see them rarely and only unleash the monster in private.
Just to be clear, I didn’t call him a good guy and I definitely haven’t defended him to her. I just said I like him, which I do, but I definitely recognize he’s far from perfect and I don’t see everything. I have a few reasons that I question whether her emotional dumps are entirely without exaggeration, but I didn’t want to get into them. But I’m definitely not defending him to her or telling her he’s a good guy. Even if she’s exaggerating the details, he’s still clearly on the wrong side (though I’m neutral on whether it is marriage-should-end wrong level or not).
Absent abuse or some egregious betrayal, telling someone to leave her husband is a lose-lose proposition. If she stays with him she’ll eventually resent you, knowing that you dislike her husband and think they should be divorced. If she does leave him she’ll resent you once she realizes the grass isn’t greener. Even if it’s temporary while they go through the legal process there will come a point when she tells herself “I never should’ve listened to OP.”
Just say “This sounds really hard. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. Couples counseling is a good idea but if he’s not willing to do that maybe individual therapy would help you figure out a path forward.” Let a professional tell her what she needs to hear.
Has anyone ever been to Thailand? If so, what was your favorite destination? My fiance and I are considering a wedding in Thailand but are unsure which area would be the nicest to go with.
I have. It was a fun trip, but not high on my list of all-time favorite places. I really liked Chiang Mai and the elephant sanctuary we went to near there (Elephant Nature Park). Bangkok was a cool cultural experience; not my favorite place, but (with rare exceptions) I’m not a big city person, eg I much prefer Seville to Madrid, so that’s not a big surprise. I found the snorkeling in both the Andaman Sea and Gulf of Thailand extremely overhyped and the popular beaches are filled with trash. Would not recommend it as a beach destination at all. That was the most disappointing part of the trip for me.
I also think the odds of gastro illness are pretty high – I didn’t get sick but my husband did. We’ve been to Africa and many places in Latin America without incident. So not sure I’d pick it as a wedding/honeymoon spot because that’s a romance killer for sure.
Most of the US swim team just wrecked their world championships by picking up a GI bug in Thailand at their pre-meet camp. Oops.
In fairness to Thailand, that sounds like norovirus, which you can get anywhere.
But I do think, other than India, Thailand is pretty much at the top of the list for food and water borne illness, at least among places westerners regularly travel to. I’ll never forget the travel clinic doctor telling us to make sure out eyes stayed shut in the shower because the tap water is so toxic it can make you sick if you get it in your eyes.
I’ve been! Chiang Mai was my favorite
Ditto chiang mai! So much good cheap food and a lovely setting with the mountains.
I ate everything in Thailand and even accidentally brushed my teeth with the water at least twice and not even a rumble from my tummy (I did get very ill in India). Anecdote but wanted to address another post.
I’ve been too and we really enjoyed the trip. If you are looking for a beach location, we loved Pimalai Resort and Spa and stayed in a villa with a private pool. We went pre-pandemic, but the service was top notch and the setting was incredible. If it was closer, we would go back!
Yes, ages ago. It wasn’t primarily a trip to Thailand so we didn’t explore the entire country. We stayed in Bangkok and took a day trip by boat up the river to Ayutthaya. I would do that again in a heartbeat.
Fun question; what is your favorite fast food and why
Baja Fresh; it’s just better. I get a pinto and cheese burrito with pico and chips every time I fly through Vegas. We don’t have it in my state.
Interesting. I have one by work and never go. I’ll stop by! Similarly, whenever I’m in the Albuquerque sunport airport, I get a sandwich at Schlotzky’s. I grew up having one nearby and now only ever see this at this airport.
When’s the last time you were there? They revamped the little food court and there are great new options, including an Indian Pueblo Cultural Center restaurant coming soon! I used to love to get a Keva Juice before my flight (my state doesn’t have that) and sadly it’s gone for now.
I miss West Coast fast food. Rubio’s, Baja Fresh, In-n-Out burgers (but no fries—those are terrible).
Double filet ‘o fish no cheese. I only recently discovered this exists when the cashier told me when I was ordering two regular planning to make my own. It is a lot of food but not a terrible amount of calories and I just think it tastes good without sitting heavy after. I didn’t quite finish the whole thing though
When I have to go to McDonald’s, I’m Team FOF with about 1/8 of the usual tartar sauce (easy to scrape off).
I’m an Arbys girl all the way, no reason why other than I love the sandwiches and its a road trip treat for me when I see one (they don’t have any in my city).
Jack in the Box – ultimate grease fix for late nights out, love the curly fries and the tacos are somehow enjoyable???
Culver’s!! I’m a vegetarian, am kinda meh on soda, and I love cheese curds.
Harvest garden burger + cheese curds + root beer float or shake.
In n Out
I’m planning a trip to the west coast next month and this is the first thing I plan on doing when I get off of the airplane at LAX.
I used to live in the Bay Area and go back often to visit friends, and it’s always my first stop after SFO.
Subway. Have many good associations with it – road trips with family, dinner on the road after away games, the best meal of my life after suffering on a six-hour mountain bike ride in 90 degrees…
Jersey Mike’s is soooo much better.
No good associations though!
Popeye’s: Spicy chicken sandwich with a side of red beans and rice and sweet tea for the drink.
Agree with the Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich.
But I am not a fan of their sides – McDonald’s french fries for the win!
Egg McMuffins all the way
Oh yeah! McD’s coffee and egg mcmuffins are my favorite beginning to any 5 a.m. road trip.
Aren’t they the best early AM road trip food?
Bacon egg and cheese biscuit for me!
Same. Many memories of my parents feeding them after early morning practice.
The Seattle women on here all are afraid to post their answer because it’ll get flagged, haha. But give me 5 cent ketchups and excellent fries all day!
Richard’s! Lol, trying not to get modded.
I almost completely abandoned fast food a long time ago. And then…my dad was in the hospital last year, and I needed to grab a fast dinner, and Taco Bell was right around the corner. OMG it was so good! Hot, crunchy, spicy, and washed down with a giant, ice-cold diet soda. I had convinced myself low-quality ingredients taste terrible, but I can’t deny that my tacos were delicious. Now it’s my very occasional guilty pleasure.
The best tasting meal I ever had in my life was when my Dad was in the ICU at Bellevue Hospital. We walked west to a vegan kosher South Indian restaurant. It tasted so good, when I was so scared, that it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
+1 to Taco Bell
Cook Out. Specifically the watermelon shake in the summer with a small burger, Carolina-style.
The frequently amusing “Cook Out Official” poster on reddit loves that watermelon shake.
Oooh. This sounds good. I’ve never stopped at a CookOut but it’s a go-to for friends.
Hog heaven on Guess Rd in Durham, yummmmm
Portillos! (As soon as I pick up my rental car at ORD, I set the GPS to Portillos.) It’s Chicago-style hot dogs, and they don’t have anything like it in the DC area.
Shake shack. Always the best consolation prize for getting your cases put over until after lunch in Brooklyn.
My small Midwest m city airport got a shake shack a few years ago and it’s been life-changing. I look forward to it every time I travel.
I think that’s just a bit closer to fast casual and not fast food.
Yeah. And really just casual, period. It’s not fast at all! I love it but it’s annoying how slow it is. Especially in airports where time is of the essence.
Hardee’s breakfast. They have the best biscuits.
McDonalds has the best Coke.
There’s a lot about where I’m from that I’m not as nostalgic about, but easily Mr. Hero for nostalgia reasons and because I love salt.
I’m a Californian so I’m required to say In n Out, but the fries and cokes are better at McDonalds. I do think the burgers are better at In n Out, though. Like WAY better.
In and Out’s fries are awful. Lifelong Californian.
Hi five from another native!
Amen!
I wouldn’t say “awful” (especially if you get them well done) but definitely not as good as McD’s.
Winners: Egg and cheese (no meat) on biscuit from McDonald’s for breakfast. Filet-o-fish for lunch or dinner.
Honorable mention: On a trip through California’s ag country I discovered the Zucchini Star, a delicious vegetarian option at Carl’s Jr.
Winners: Egg and cheese (no meat) on biscuit from McDonald’s for breakfast. Filet-o-fish for lunch or dinner.
Honorable mention: On a trip through California’s ag country I discovered the Zucchini Star, a delicious vegetarian option at Carl’s Jr.
Krystal. Look, I know even by fast food standards, the food quality is crap, and the service WILL be terrible at every single one, but I love the small steamed burgers, and it’s partially a nostalgia thing (for Northerners: this is the Southern equivalent of White Castle.)
Honorable mention to Cookout milkshakes. Which, if you are new to Cookout since they’ve been expanding, a pro tip: You can combine the milkshake flavors. Any of them.
Bacon-wrapped Bratwurst with mustard, no bun.
Eggs and chips (fries) fried in beef tallow with mushy peas.
Chipotle. It has decent vegetarian options.
Zaxby’s. Best way to eat in the car driving south after landing at ATL. Waiting for them to spread to my Northern state.
The chicken tenders at Roy Roger’s got me through the pandemic. They’re generous pieces of real chicken. I’d get them in a meal with the mashed potatoes and a coke.
I live alone and worked from home during that time and during early days everything was closed. So getting in my car and going through a drive thru might be my only in person interaction with a human that day.
My BIL cheated but is too cheap to get divorced. He got his own apartment. And then moved back in to live separately on the couch, but with backsliding. And then got another apartment when the backsliding stopped (maybe because the affair didn’t stop?). And then got too cheap to keep the apartment. So he went back. I think that there was one more round before moving out for the last time and getting divorced (and then promptly getting remarried to the affair partner). They now have an apartment with room for her kids but not his kids (mattresses on the floor, I guess it’s better than a tent in the yard); affair partner / stepmom is now pregnant. IDK where that kid will go.
Question: how much will this mess up my nieces and nephews? I think that my friends’ parents vanilla divorces messed them up a lot and had a very long tail. I can’t imagine how this will go.
Probably a lot. But I’m not sure what the point of the question is, it is what it is.
It depends in part if your nieces and nephews have lots of loving, supportive relationships around them. You can help by giving them a place to be where their parents’ relationships and choices aren’t the topic of conversation.
As the child of a messy divorce, it depends entirely on the kids, the support they receive, and the resilience they develop. I survived my parents’ divorce (and then my father’s next two) pretty well.
My mother’s mantra is that if you are looking for a reason to feel like a victim, you will always find one. And if you are looking for a reason to feel lucky, you will always find that too. It all depends on what you do with what you have and your attitude. And honestly, I think she is mostly right (obviously, excepting things like major debilitating illness/injury).
LA Law, your mom is really wise and I’ve taken it to heart.
Even after experiencing some awful things, I’ve known the people who try to make the best of their lives to enjoy life and bring happiness to others. It’s not always possible, but it’s possible more than some may think.
As another child of divorce and some other stuff that would have made a pretty compelling college entrance essay, I agree.
Question: how is this judgy question going to be of any help to your nephews
Question: can you read?
+100000
I think dad’s family tends to take dad’s side in divorces even when he’s in the wrong, so that’s something to think about. My parents had a very messy divorce where my dad moved to the new woman who wasn’t exactly welcoming, and our relationship with his family kind of died out. I will say my dad and his siblings are 3/3 on divorces so none of us really knew each other.
If you want to be a calming force in those kids lives, find a way to stay involved and reach around your BIL. You don’t need to go through their mom but you don’t need to ignore her either. Example: my paternal grandma sent Christmas and birthday cards to my dad’s house. We saw him a few times a year, but she wouldn’t send them to my mom’s address where we actually lived. Any of our aunts, uncles, or grandparents were capable of calling us at our actual residence but never did.
Does anyone have any recommendations for a first trip to Japan? My husband and I are in the very early stages of planning a trip for spring 2026 and would love first hand recommendations (yes I could google or ChatGPT or whatever, but I’ve really appreciated recs from here in the past, so please bear with me and just skip if not interested). TYA!
Can you tell us a bit about what you’re interested in? It would help us be more helpful past the generic suggestions you can find on Google or wherever.
The classic route is Tokyo, day trip in the area (Hakone, Kamakura), then Osaka + Kyoto via bullet train and back.
+1 and I would cut Osaka if you have less than about 8 days. Tokyo demands a *lot* of time (especially with day trips) and Kyoto is unmissable.
Agree with this, I loved Kyoto and would spend more time there.
Thanks! It’ll be my husband’s first time abroad and my first time in Asia, but his dad (who passed away a couple years ago) went several years back at it was his favorite trip ever, which is prompting the desire to go. We both are pretty adventurous eaters and just generally like to walk around and check places out. Museums are fine, but we generally prefer seeing sites/buildings as compared to items/art. Unless it’s a really special meal, we tend to be flexible eating on vacation, just sort of finding fun places as we go.
Emilia Wickstead is just a more spendy type of Boden?
Sure and MaxMara is fancy Jcrew
Thanks for flagging, I didn’t know they were making anything other than evening wear.
I have an airline credit card and a couple of others (mainly for free shipping). If I’m giving my kids credit cards on my account, it should be the airline one to get them good boarding and a free checked bag, no?
might as well have their spend count toward YOUR status ;)
I’ve been to religious ceremonies of other faiths before (I’m an Episcopalian), but never a Muslim funeral (in the US). I’m planning to wear what I would to a funeral in my church (dark simple knee-length dress with short sleeves) but if there are any tips, fashion or otherwise, please let me know. I don’t know what to expect (like is there a different color associated with mourning?). Friend is from India but has lived here for decades.
My instinct would be to be more covered up than that – that flowy black pants and a long sleeved blouse may be more appropriate than a short sleeved knee length dress. Not sure if you would be expected to wear a scarf / remove shoes, but I’d be prepared for that.
Oh I wouldn’t own any of that nor would I wear a scarf
You don’t own pants and a blouse?
Oh come on, Cat, that’s not what you said. You really can be a piece of work sometimes.
Lay off the named commenter please. My reaction was the same. I think it’s strange to say that someone “wouldn’t” own flowy pants or a long sleeved blouse as opposed to not happening to own them, especially when flowy pants are on trend.
Not Cat but she literally said wear black pants and a long-sleeved blouse, so I do find “I don’t own that” to be kind of a weird reaction…
I don’t own *flowy* black pants or a long sleeved blouse. Slim black pants and short sleeved blouses I’ve got plenty of.
Nope. I don’t do pants! My only pant options are skinny jeans or leggings.
I don’t own flowy pants of any kind
Who doesn’t own a long sleeve blouse?
Me, that’s who. I own zero blouses because they look dumb on me. I wear dresses, sweaters, and nice t-shirts.
White is the color of mourning in Islam, but, just like some families don’t go all out in black, some Muslim families don’t go all out in white. Rather than something knee length, I might try to be as covered up as possible in something like flowy pants and a top.
Knee length would not be considered conservative. Ideally try not to show any skin on legs, and if possible, also arms. Midi or long skirt or full pants are a must.
Source: Indian origin and 2 close Indian muslim friends
Ok then should people just not go? Cause again, don’t own any of that
Really? You don’t have pants or a long sleeve shirt?
I think if this is your attitude, yes, don’t go.
Sounds like you want to wear what you’ve planned. People here are answering your question and giving you good advice and you keep turning it down.
So wear what you think it is appropriate and I guess you’ll see how it lands.
Yes I would probably not go if you can’t cover your knees. That is pretty basic for a Muslim funeral. Who doesn’t own pants and long sleeves though?
It doesn’t have to be that formal but it should be conservative and in muted colors. Any pants you would wear to work and a looser, long sleeved blouse.
At the very least, I suggest covering elbows, knees, and collarbones. If the service is being held in a mosque, be prepared to take off your shoes (which might make flowy pants more appropriate so you can wear socks). Taking a scarf or pashima to cover your head would be ideal, but unless the family provided specific direction, not likely to be required.
You can always call the venue to ask about their dress code.
This is a good idea to call. I’m not the scarlet anon above but I do have white longer dresses, one of which is not too rufflepuff. And tons of floaty scarves (not really somber though — summer stuff skews happy vs somber, especially in lighter colors).
Snarky not scarlet. Ugh.
I have this cardigan in dark green. It’s very elegant but I haven’t worn it yet because I’m waiting for winter. Ruti is a solid brand, good quality and interesting pieces. Before buying in store, check the online price.