Coffee Break: Manhattan Croc Embossed Shoulder Bag

52 Comments

1. AITAH? I have a stepsister who basically bullied me as a child when she was an adult (we are 17 years apart, so she was early twenties when I was a kid and late twenties when I was in middle school). Things like trying to insist I sleep on the couch so her friend could have my room when they were visiting post-college, rather than share a room with her friend. Or saying to her dad in front of me how she hated having me in the house and that it ruined her experience of coming back to her childhood home (I was 12, she was late twenties, and she no longer lived in the house). As well as just a myriad of other mean things said about me constantly. She apologized last year unprompted for how terrible she was to me for so many years, and the way she framed the apology made me feel like there were many moments of cruelty that I don’t remember as well.

   Stepsister now has three children. I love her kids and super kind to them / take them on outings / will babysit them. Stepsister has been very sweet to me in the last few years, in an attempt to make up for the years when she was honestly pretty terrible to me.

   There are birthday parties every year for the kids, and I usually try to go. But honestly I always feel a bit weird – I don’t know most of the people and the people I do know I feel pretty tense around. Her mom was horrible to my mom (once said my mom was ‘so ugly it made her eyes bleed’ among other things, while trying to woo back my stepfather.) Her husband was very terse/rude to me for the last couple of years because he felt threatened by me (we work in the same field). The vibe is just off… I would say I am generally considered an very warm person, but I struggle to ever have an easy or pleasant conversation with anyone at these events. But I usually go when I can.

   Anyways, there is a birthday party this weekend that I got invited to last week. My husband had already made plans for us to spend the day with my dad and my mother in law, so that they can bond while my mother in law is visiting us. It takes my dad about an hour and a half to get to where we live, so it isn’t a casual visit and we can’t reschedule it for a weekday. My mother in law also really wants to go to a certain place while she is here, and it’s the last weekend we will be able to take her to that place before she goes back home. I would also just really rather hang out with both of them than go to a party with a ton of adults I feel weird around.

   I hadn’t RSVPed yes to the party, but I know my mom really wants me to go. I had told her I would try to make it before I heard my husband had made these other plans. I feel like the plans are flimsy-sounding since they are just with our parents, and that a party should take precedent. But I really just would rather stick with my husband’s plans. My mom wants to invest in the relationships with her stepdaughter since they are finally on good footing, and I know she would really prefer that I go.

   Am I out of line for not going? How big of an excuse do you need to RSVP no to a birthday party? Am I betraying my mom?

   1. NTA. Your husband already made plans with his family, you hadn’t realized, ‘oops, so sad to miss it, will see you all soon!’. It’ll be the holidays soon enough and you can see it then.

   2. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Husband already made plans for us at that time. I hope Kid has a wonderful birthday and that the party is fun. Hopefully I can make it to the next one.” And that’s it. To your mother you say you have previously made plans. One plan is not more important or higher ranking that another.

   3. I think “So sorry, my MIL is visiting from out of town this weekend” is an appropriate reason to skip. Doesn’t sound flimsy at all.

   4. Yeah. You’re fine to skip.

      More generally, I don’t think you are the AH, but it sounds like a blending of two families who express themselves verrrry differently. Im glad you two were anle to overcome differences to have a familial relationship now.

      For what its worth, kids in my family always get chucked out of their bedrooms to make room for guests.

      1. That’s crazy to me. I can’t imagine making a child sleep on the couch so a college girl can have her bedroom, rather than have two college aged girls share a room.

         1. You treat guests as well as you possibly can when they’re in your home. That means the kid sleeps on the couch or in mom/dad’s room. At least that’s how I was raised.

            1. In my family, not all guests are the same. College kid’s roommate? They can figure it out with college sibling as long as they don’t keep others awake or sleep in the buff in a public room. Adult friends from out of town? Kid might be bumped to a sofa or sleeping bag if there isn’t a guest room. Grandma? She gets the best bed in the house even if that means parents sleep on the living room floor.

            2. Then the big sister can sleep on the couch.

      2. OP here – perhaps that wasn’t the best example to use, but the gist was it devolved into a major tantrum (yelling at her dad), before punishing me by being super mean and backhanded to me for the rest of the visit. I was like 8 or 9, so having constant mean comments about my appearance / my voice / my personality from an adult woman was rough. She and her friend had always shared her room before, even when guest bedrooms had been available, so he was clear that it was a power trip to get me kicked out of my room and show that I didn’t count the same way she did. The catty comments were constant though.

         Anyway, the bullying is something everyone in the family widely acknowledges (including the stepsister, who has said she is ‘so ashamed of how cruel she was’ to me!) so definitely went a lot deeper than just familial differences.

         1. Power trips stink. I hope she’s a better person now. It sounds like it. And you sound like a good relative to her children.

            1. Her family broke up and you were a symbol of that. It’s not about you, she should have been more mature then but she wasn’t. And she’s apologized. Time for someone else to mature and it’s the OP.

            2. OP here – I have forgiven her and dote on her children as though they were my own. All of her daughters think of me as their favorite aunt, and that’s a reflection of how much I’ve invested in the relationships with them. When she was my age (30) and I was close to theirs, she was calling me a ‘low-class’ and a ‘pig’. I am not sure how I should go about maturing further, as I am nothing but kind to her and her family…

            3. OP, a few commenters always find fault in others. That’s about them and not you. My suspicion is that they are bullies who are intent on deflecting blame onto victims.

   5. NTA – if you don’t plan a party or invite someone until the week before, you aren’t reasonable to be offended that they don’t drop all prior plans.

      1. All the backstory aside, this is the answer.

         1. This. But, also make sure to tell the kid you are sorry to miss their birthday (if they are old enough to understand) and promise something special, like ice cream outing, to acknowledge their birthday.

   6. I think as long as you give a reason and are kind in your response, it’s fine not to go. You can still send a bday gift and card if you want to give some love to the relationship.

   7. Not out of line at all. Frankly I’d start giving nice birthday presents to these kids when you see them and skip the birthday parties altogether, since they sound awful.

      You don’t need a very big excuse at all in my opinion to RSVP no to a birthday party that you get invited to with one week notice. “So sorry, I’m going to have to miss the party. I didn’t realize it was a the same time when my husband and made plans with out of town guests. Hope you have a great time! Tell Shelly happy birthday and I’ll drop off her present xx.”

      And of course you’re not betraying your mom. I hope that you really don’t think that you might be. Your mom can invest in the relationship with her stepdaughter, and that doesn’t involve you at all. If she wants that relationship she should make it happen without you.

   8. Separate from all the complicated feelings and history (which are totally natural); I think “plans with in-laws visiting from out of town” will actually not sound flimsy at all – I think even under ordinary circumstances, most people would find it normal for you to miss “kids birthday party for local relatives we see frequently-ish anyway” for that!

   9. You already have plans so it’s fine to not go to the party. But, cut your sister some slack. None of what you describe is bullying. Insensitive? Sure. But she’s apologized and realizes it. Open the door for a new chapter with her and maybe you’ll gain a close friend in time.

      1. Seriously??? It’s definitely bullying. I’m glad I’m not related to you.

         1. Don’t worry about it – someone could describe getting pummeled daily and some contrarian here would say that’s not bullying, you’re the problem, etc. Best ignored.

            1. Yes – pummeling is also technically ‘insensitive.’ That doesn’t preclude it from being bullying or traumatic. People on here really reveal the type of people they are.

         2. OP here – I tried not go into detail, but the ‘bullying’ included calling me ‘low-class,’ ‘a pig,’ ‘ghetto,’ and more. She accused me of stealing on multiple occasions when she knew I hadn’t, just to turn my family against me. I didn’t want to get into all of the details, but it was relentless and cruel.

            I am definitely more loving and kind to children than the average person, so my standards are different, but her behavior

            1. I’m sorry, OP.

      2. The woman was THIRTY. A full fledged adult. It’s bullying, down right abuse. Sheezus. I’m replying very late but cannot believe this comment.

         OP, backstory has nada to do with the bday invite. You have plans. An invitation is not a summons. Easy peasy, NTAH.. decline with a clear conscience.

         Regarding the backstory… you were for CERTAIN bullied, harassed, abused by an adult as a minor. Idc if you remind her of the break up as someone else said, grow the eff up and treat a KID with a modicum of respect.

   10. NTA. Stuff comes up for adults and missing one out of potentially 30 birthday parties for 3 kids is entirely reasonable (there will come a time where they don’t want family birthday parties). My mom is the one that tries to guilt me into social events like this and honestly, she should be thankful you have a good relationship with your stepsister as an adult.

       FWIW, I think you are a very stand-up person for forgiving your stepsister. Lots of twentysomethings are a-holes (data: I was an a-hole at that age) but someone in their late 20s picking on a middle school kid is just awful.

2. My family has never done anything “out West” like Colorado or South Dakota or TX – are there any good family spots other than national parks? dude ranches or things like resorts where we could sample things like rafting or whatnot? i’d be interested in trying it for a short vacation sometime at the beginning of summer break because i’m assuming it gets really hot by july.

   1. https://www.devilsthumbranch.com/

      1. I went to Devil’s Thumb Ranch for a wedding once and loved it. We went in September so go to drive through the Rockies from the airport when the leaves were changing as an added bonus.

   2. I would look for those kinds of places in Montana, Wyoming, or Idaho.

      1. if you go there, wait for July or August — June will be too cold!

   3. There are summer camps that host things like “family camp week” if that’s the experience you’re looking for? Or a ski town in the summer, if you are ok with arranging things like rafting through a local outfitter, not necessarily your hotel – and there will be other activities nearby like hiking, trout fishing, a resort with an alpine slide, etc.

      Climate wise, Texas and Colorado are very different. Would actually aim for late summer for Colorado, all this will be at ~8000 ft, and it takes a long time for the snow to melt out!

   4. I’d go to the Sawtooth Mountains in Idaho. There’s a dude ranch in Stanley that I’ve heard good things about and there are good one-day rafting opportunities on the Salmon.

   5. That’s west?? In what century??

      1. Haha I had the same reaction.

      2. Colorado is west to me (I live in the Midwest). South Dakota and Texas not so much.

         1. Colorado is west to everyone. Today Texas and S Dakota would be south and Midwest.

            1. I guess there is ‘West’, and then there’s the West Coast, lol.

            2. Huh, as a Californian regularly on conference calls with our Denver office, and someone who still rocks a 303 number, Denver is decidedly East of the West coast!

            3. I am a Californian. Colorado is a western state. It is in the mountain west, not on the west coast.

      3. I think the OP meant ‘out West’ in that it would be a state with “cowboy ranch type” activity… not literally.

         1. I don’t think of SD as having dude ranches. Even Texas which has more of a cowboy culture doesn’t feel like where you go for dude ranch tourism. Definitely feels like more of a Colorado/Wyoming/Arizona/Utah thing to me.

   6. All the places you mentioned are really huge and different.

      A place like Breckenridge CO has a cute historic downtown and lots of activities, biking horseback riding, family-friendly hikes. Estes Park or Grand Lake are near Rocky Mountain National Park but have historic mountain town stuff too, think restaurants, ice cream, playgrounds.

      South Dakota has awesome caves to explore, Devils Tower, Needles Highway, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse to make a few.

   7. Go to Medora for the Teddy Roosevelt show!

3. Apropos of absolutely nothing, I just finished Tom Lake read by Meryl Streep, and it was a delight. I know I’m late to the Tom Lake party, but if anyone else hasn’t yet read it, I highly recommend the audiobook.

   What should I listen to next? All genres welcome, as long as the narrator is good. I tend not to like full cast recordings.

   1. Thursday murder club if you haven’t! Was cracking up listening to it the other day.

4. I know this is a small issue but I wonder if anyone has advice on how to deal with this dynamic; I’m not even sure what to call it. DH is a man of few words. I’ll say something to DH that I think requires a response, he doesn’t respond, I repeat myself a bit louder because I think he didn’t hear me (I mumble sometimes), he gets annoyed that I’m “yelling” at him. My initial question might be anything from, how was your day, to, could you please take out the trash.

   I’ve talked to him about it multiple times. Sometimes he doesn’t actually hear me the first time and so my louder-than-normal voice feels like it’s coming from nowhere. Cool, I started saying, did you hear me, instead.

   But most of the time he did hear me, he just doesn’t see a need to respond. Like, Ann and Brad invited us to their BBQ this weekend. I think that’s the opening of a conversation about the BBQ. But he won’t respond – even an ok – unless asked a question. It’s not that he doesn’t like the couple, he just doesn’t think there’s a need for him to say anything. This happens multiple times a day. Usually I can deal with it but it gets under my skin when I’m having a day. Any suggestions?

   1. A couple things:

      In my experience with men, they often need a second to disengage from what they’re focused on to really “hear” you. So I’d try a “Hey, DH…” give it a long 3 seconds, and then say something in a normal tone/volume.

      For the BBQ type stuff, I *sort of* understand what he’s thinking or his motivations, although it’s rude AF to not even give a “oh, cool” or whatever. But “So and So invited us” to some people kind of fries the brain–like what is the expected response–just “okay” or questions? This alone makes me think he *might* be ND because I have this “freeze” reaction sometimes when people give me information or do what’s call a “bid for attention” (making small comments I have no idea how to respond to) and I’ve learned to go with “mmm” or “sounds good” or something low key rather than just be silent. But women are socialized to smooth over and make connections so that helped me not be a boor.

      I’d also consider sitting him down and talking it over–“DH, when I’m telling you something, a lot of times it’s my way of wanting to have a moment of connection and conversation. So when you don’t respond at all, it hurts. What needs to change so that isn’t the case so often?” that does sound stiff, so use your own words, but be honest about the hurt. He may think “okay, I received the information, no need to respond, what is there to say?” and not realize he’s angering/hurting you.

   2. I feel you – my husband and I have this same dynamic, to a certain extent. Part of the “problem” is that I internalize communicating as a two-way conversation. For example, if someone is talking to me (using your example of, Ann and Brad invited us to a BBQ), I will respond with things like “oh, nice” or “I met Brad at the wedding last year, right?” as the person is talking. In my mind – that is how you show you are listening and are interacting/interested in the conversation. In my head, a conversation is volleying information back and forth, or at least, volleying engagement back and forth. I feel like this is a more common communication style for women (not all women).

      My husband doesn’t do that, and in fact – he OFTEN takes my responses as interruptions, and gets frustrated. He feels like he is giving specific information, and once he is done providing it, then I will respond if necessary. The “back and forth”, or comments/questions about things that he feels are unrelated to the specific information he is providing throws him off. I feel like this is more common for men (not all men). The flip side is, OFTEN when I talk to him, he will not respond and I will get frustrated and say “are you even listening to me?!” or “can you show some interest in what I am saying??” and he will be like, yes – I heard you, but it didn’t require a response? In his head, I am not done talking/giving information, and so he doesn’t speak.

      We have actually this argument multiple times – he thinks I am interrupting him (rude), and I think he is not listening to me (also rude).

      That being said (and this is the important part) – once we realized this dynamic, we realized that neither of us is “wrong” and neither of us are trying to be rude to the other. So now we BOTH actively try to communicate a little more like the other person. So I try REALLY hard to just look at him and nod when he is talking, but not interject. And he tries hard to look at me and say something (anything! an “okay” or an “uh huh”) to show he was listening. It takes practice because it does not feel natural to either of us. We have to remind each other all the time, but now that we understand where the other person is coming from, it is much easier to try and change the way we respond.

      So I guess this is a long winded way of saying, you should explain to your husband WHY you would appreciate that he try to give you a response when you make statements to him, even if he doesn’t think one is “required”. I bet once he gets why this is annoying you, he will try harder to give you something in return.

   3. I’m working on my side of this problem with my partner, too. Letherebelight‘s advice to say “hey DH” is what I’m trying, except with a question at the end – like “hey partner?” and wait for a “yeah?” Before I give the info.
      I think I prefer being addressed that way too. Sometimes it’s a lot if I’m doing something and someone just starts talking to me, especially if it’s loud.

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