Weekend Open Thread
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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I am here for the resurgence of the “going out top” like this one from Sanctuary — and Evereve has an entire category on their website for it. Huzzah!
This Sanctuary top looks fabulous, and is on the more affordable side — this is a style genre I've previously called “tough girl chic” but these days probably goes better by “edgy minimalist.” I like that it's a solid color, not ruffley at all, but still a bit sexy.
The top is available in “mesa,” the purpley brown pictured, as well as white; Nordstrom has those colors as well as in black in sizes XS-XXL, while Evereve just has the range up to size XL.
Sales of note for 8/12/25:
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your full price purchase, and $99 dresses and jackets — extra 60% off sale also
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles with code
- Dermstore – Anniversary sale, up to 25% off everything
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles & up to 60% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything and extra 60% off clearance
- Mejuri – Up to 25% off everything
- M.M.LaFleur – New August drop, and up to 70% off sale – try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Neiman Marcus – Last call designer sale! Spend $200, get a $50 gift card (up to $2000+ spend with $500 gift card)
- Nordstrom – 9,800+ new women's markdowns
- Rothy's – Ooh: limited edition T-strap flats / Mary Janes
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – Semi-annual red door sale! 50% off all markdowns + extra 20% off already marked-down items
What is a boot like the LaCanadienne (quality and waterproof) that is not $$$? I had the Passion model and my teen started borrowing them and now I need another pair of flat tall waterproof boots for her to get mine back. She wears them all the time in the winter. But I don’t want to spend that much on boots for a teen and her feet may grow a bit still.
Blondo is waterproof but of lesser quality and lesser cost.
This is also my suggestion, and I agree, but also want to say I have pairs of Blondos that have held up very, very well even though they are not as nice as La Canadian
I was going to say Aquatalia because I got mine for around $150, but now that I’m looking them up I realize they must have been on a really good sale. I’d check Nordstrom Rack.
You can get Aquatalia (which went bankrupt but now seems to be back) and La Canadienne at deep discounts at the Rack, 6pm.com, Gilt, and similar places.
Confessions post? Leave your confessions below.
**No judgment zone**
i’ve felt really smug about how much we have in savings but am realizing how we’re nowhere near financially independent yet and it’s been a bit humbling. (i’m also the one who was trying to get spending down to $3500 a month… at the halfway mark and we’ve spent $4700 this month. so far. horrible.)
It might feel horrible, but . . . . you’re tracking! It’s the middle of the month and you know where you are! If I remember right, that’s real progress. Even if you don’t like what you’re seeing, be encouraged — you’re on your way!
I’m in a similar boat. Trying to cut back on spending this fall after a very expensive summer, and am surprised how hard it is. I thought if we cut out luxuries like vacations and takeout we could get our monthly credit card bills under $5k pretty easily. Our billing cycle ends on the 20th but we are already above $6k. We did have some unexpected bills like a big vet bill, but I’ve realized I was privileged enough not to realize how much costs have gone up for some basic things.
Groceries, vet bills, and auto maintenance are sinking my similar goals. A container of yogurt that cost $4.59 at Walmart in 2020 is now $6.99. Yet somehow my “merit increase” never even seems to cover the increase in my monthly grocery bill, let alone all the other stuff. And tuition went up by $4,000 but financial aid only went up by $1,000. We just keep falling farther and farther behind.
“Merit increases” at my higher ed employer are a joke. They’ve always been 1-2% cost of living increases that barely kept pace with inflation, even before the recent years with higher inflation. I am lucky/unlucky enough to be at the very bottom of the pay band for my job, because I used to work for a great boss who advocated to get his team placed into a higher pay band when they first introduced them. So once in a while they have to give me a real raise so I don’t completely fall out of the pay band. But if not for that, my salary would be totally flat.
we also call them “Merit increases”, but a few percent with the highest possible performance rating seems more COLA and it feels fake.
Yep, a $600 vet bill and $400 license plate bill were $1000 of the $4700. i have a running spreadsheet in google sheets, i’m trying to classify discretionary vs needs too (or guess if we spend like $100 at the grocery if only $50 of that was an actual “need.”)
Many of us chimed in that $3500 was going to be difficult, so don’t beat yourself up too much. This month you’re tracking, next month you can make more adjustments. Like the poster below, every month something big-ish seems to come up and derail my careful plans. (This month I nearly died to learn the price for fall rec soccer for my 8yo has gone up to $325. Literally the cheapest soccer option in town.)
This is so dumb but one of the reasons I’m committing to not giving my baby a tablet is because I want to “beat” my friend who gives her kid a tablet and told me I’d surely give in too. She often makes smug comments implying that she’s a much better/more experienced mother so I’m feeling competitive.
Rooting for you!
She doesn’t sound like much of a friend. I give you permission to find better friends and let your baby look at a tablet occasionally if that helps you.
Same! My family takes the tone “kids are exhausting and obviously screens are mandatory so you can have a break from them.” And like … nope! I like my kids. And more importantly, it was really rough to be a kid who got handed something or plopped down in front of the tv because I was annoying them by existing and they “just needed a break from me”, and I’m not going to do that to my kids.
OP of that point here and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest if people do whatever they want (safely) with their kids or even if they imply to me that they find raising kids unpleasant, but what I can’t stand is the condescending “ah, I was a naive anti-screen time parent once too” crap. That’s what spurred me into competition.
It doesn’t bother me if they say it to me away from the kids. Parenting is hard and adults should be able to be honest with each other about how they’re doing. It bothers me when it’s communicated to or in front of the child that the screen is the only way the adult can survive a day with them.
Agree… a lot of parenting is about being flexible and adjusting to the kids/situations you have rather than your ideals. But if something is important to you and a priority, you can do it. Maybe you can’t achieve 20 priorities, but definitely the top three.
It’s such a peeve of mine when parents act like things are just inevitable. (I say this as a mom of many, with ND/2e spiciness thrown in)
Definitely. People have different parenting priorities and it doesn’t make them stupid or naive if they’re focusing on something you didn’t want to or couldn’t do.
Goooo you, you can do it! My oldest is 10 and we don’t do tablets and I have no regrets. My kids don’t know any different so we don’t feel like we’re missing anything. It’s totally possibly to keep them out as long as you want.
(I will say we had a brief flirtation with the kids kindle fire during Covid when I panicked, but it only made our lives harder so that thing disappeared fast. Most regretted purchase ever.)
I am slowly but surely digging myself out of significant medical and consumer debt. I’m not proud of my ‘I’m already in debt, might as well treat myself!’ attitude which compounded things. Luckily I have a good job and great credit so I was able to pay down big chunks at a time and then take advantage of zero APR balance transfer offers. I’ve also taken steps to address the depression that was driving some of the spending. At this rate I expect to be debt free in another year or less.
Good for you. :)
Hey, that’s awesome!
Very impressive. Good luck!
I get defensive and guarded around family with mental illness and keep them at arm’s length in some ways, even if there is no obvious threat to me. I also get impatient with rumination and have some lizard brain thing telling them (inside my head) to just “knock it off” as if it’s that easy.
When I take video calls WFH I love when my cat pops their head into frame and watching some people smile and others grimace.
Pet and baby interruptions are the best part of any video call!
I’m the reverse. It was cute in 2020 but when one participant is constantly disappearing to get their dog out of the area or talking to it unmuted, it is such a waste of time!
I love seeing people’s pets! My dogs will walk around in the background, and people will often comment on them. (They don’t make noise.)
I am afraid that an important part of my brain has atrophied because I haven’t used it enough since college. I’ve been working hard but it doesn’t seem to be coming back.
Oof. I’ve been working all summer to try to rebuild my capacity to focus.
I swiped a plastic drink cup off the counter when I went to pick up my Panera order (the cups are usually stacked behind the counter) and helped myself to a free iced coffee.
Stealing from mega corps who steal from their suppliers and staff is totally ethical.
No, it is not. I’m not judging the OP because I don’t think it’s a huge deal, but stealing is not ethical, full stop.
It’s mainly franchisee-owned/run, so it is more like stealing from a small business owner.
Puh-lease.
Lol Panera sent me a free drink w/purchase coupon and I’m out of the country and not going to be able to use it, so if it helps you can think of it as having my free drink.
I have a friend who’s not doing great financially (like has to put a required large purchase on multiple cards), and while I know some of this is just one bad situation after the other compounding on top of each other, there’s still a small part of me that judges them when they do some extravaganza thing or give a big gift somewhere.
My father-in-law was basically destitute from some bad luck + compulsive gambling, but we had no idea because he always bought our kids nice gifts. They weren’t so huge that they raised red flags, but they were nice, name-brand items and we didn’t suspect a thing.
I have an acquaintance whose life plan for finances was to marry well and be taken care of. She never pursued any education or training that would enable her to pay her own way through life. She did not marry well. It did not last very long at all. She is now doing semi-skilled office work and barely getting by. I have Thoughts. I never mention my Thoughts out loud to anyone and do my best to keep them shoved to the back of my mind, but I still do have Thoughts.
You just described my mother. Share all the Thoughts here because I have them, too.
It’s often hard work to marry well!
It is so much work. Younger, hotter me dated some quite famous men and the risk-reward of trying to become a trophy wife was just too scary, so risk adverse me got a normal job (which obviously cut into my make up, beauty treatment, gym time etc)
I have two nieces who badgered their college boyfriends into marrying them so they could become SAHMs. Looking at how their husbands act, it just doesn’t seem worth it.
Omg I met some friends of friends for drinks and they kept complaining about having s*x with their husbands and how gross it is. I was like well that’s weird but nodded politely. Like i wondered why they didn’t just say no if they weren’t feeling it. Then they explained they were married to men 30 years older than us. Both had hamptons homes and maids so I assume they married wealthy old guys but I think I’d actually rather work. Honestly…
I’m in my late 50s and burned out from work and caregiving. If I lose my job, I might not look for another one. My husband is still working and retirement savings are good.
I’m sorry and I totally empathize. I’d encourage you to look for any ways you can cut back on anything not necessary – filling your own cup is the priority aside from family/your health. Thinking of you!
I’m early 40s, but was also burnt out from working and caregiving. When I lost my job last year, I declared a year of rest and relaxation and didn’t even start looking for 8 months. It didn’t do anything about my caregiving responsibilities, but having only one full time job instead of two felt like a vacation.
It’s possible I have MS. The cluster of weird symptoms I’ve been having unnerved my rheumatologist enough to get me a priority neurology appointment. I’m not telling my family until I know for sure and keeping the ‘secret’ is weighing on me.
I’m sorry. This must be so difficult.
aaah that’s so hard. big hugs to you.
It’s not easy but try your best not to worry and to enjoy life where you can. Worrying doesn’t change the outcome & it’s time you’ll never get back. Wishing you the best.
I’m really sorry.
I am in the middle of a massive shame spiral/anxiety loop and am dreading this weekend because my partner is out of town and I know I’m going to break down and continue to spiral when I get home. I haven’t felt like this in a very long time and it’s so awful.
Hug? Also, general location? I’m always up for buying ice cream for someone going through a rough spot.
can you make some affirmative plans for the weekend to at least keep your brain occupied? drinks with friends, tackle a big house project, something like that? i’m sorry you’re feeling like that.
You both are kind, thank you. SEUS here. I had previously planned to focus on a hobby I’ve been meaning to get back into, so I’m going to try to stick to that.
Hang in there. We’ll be thinking about you. Try to get outside and walk a little if you are lucky and have good weather.
I’m judgmental of my husband’s high school friends for reasons that I’m not proud of. We all went to the same high school and I feel like they should just be better. They feed their kids door dashed fast food, they vape and smoke, they have kids outside of marriage, they speak with heavy accents, they love professional fighting and staged wrestling and their jokes aren’t funny. I don’t want my kids around them but mostly because I have an aesthetic problem with them. I feel like a snob.
No judging I swear but I am curious about the heavy accents?
I’m guessing its someplace like Boston or Appalachia where a thick local accent is kind of a marker of being lower class/less educated. Not foreign accents from non-native English speakers.
Yes! Heavy regional American accents. We all have them I know, to some extent, I know. But some people sound like they’re just playing up the stereotype.
You’re not alone. I’m in Chicago’s northern suburbs. A South Side accent makes me instantly cringe. And I often wonder what others think of me when I’m in cross-country meetings, as I’m sure I have some of it without even knowing.
I started dating my now husband while I waited for my divorce to be finalized. No regrets!
I’m not yet divorced. For a long time, I was doing great on not dating until the divorce is final. That desire is eroding.
I owe dates to three (maybe four) different men. Is it wrong to get a head start?
If you’ve been separated for many months, aren’t physically living together and the divorce is just winding its way through the legal system I think it’s fine to date. But disclose the situation to the men up front.
They all know, hence why I owe them dates when this is all done. :)
Yes, we have lived apart for over a year.
It’s a mixed bag. It’s great to take some time for you and you can feel good about waiting and truly putting it behind you … but as long as the men know it’s still processing AND you’re not leaning on them for divorce support I think it’s fair enough. But I don’t date men unless their divorce is final AND it’s been more than two years ago.
What are you looking for? Perhaps just be aware and open about that.
I have a friend I am low-key ghosting because she will not stop social media stalking her ex-husband and complaining incessantly about him, his new wife, and how they must be secretly miserable despite all evidence to the contrary. Like sweetie – I love you, but it has been five years. You left him (and not for abuse or infidelity). Be happy in the new life you wanted and stop obsessing over him and engaging in elaborate fantasies about how his wife must be secretly miserable.
That’s obnoxious and I don’t blame you.
my kid has been so excited to join the marching band and i’ve had to fight really hard to not roll my eyes at it – when i was a kid i always viewed marching band as a really dorky thing. (no idea why, i was a choir kid, which obviously is its own form of dorky.) anyway – he’s been so happy about it and i saw some footage on instagram that finally made me smile and start to feel some excitement for him and this new endeavor.
still not excited about going to football games every friday night, but ah well.
Marching band is the best! Watch some of the DCI content on social media if you want to be blown away by what these kids can do.
30 years after I graduated from high school I still have excellent posture thanks to marching band.
I loved being in marching band and I love, love, love watching marching bands! 4:18 let your kid enjoy it!
On the plus side, his risk of CTE is much lower than if he played football.
haha I think the marching band kids were the most sexually active kids at my high school (“that one time at band camp…” is real!). It’s definitely “dorky” in its way but enough people participated that people couldn’t really be shunned for doing it, and many kids seemed to get really strong friendships out of it. I’m completely tone deaf and never did anything musical but was always kind of jealous of how much fun the band kids seemed to be having.
High school football games are surprisingly fun! at least when you know kids playing or performing. I wouldn’t go just because, but when you have kids you can cheer for its actually really fun.
I think football games can be fun (especially if you are friends with other parents who go) but agtee on being disappointed by having a dorky marching band kid
At my high school the band kids were at the top of the social and academic hierarchies! But we had the best marching and concert band programs in the entire state so these kids were intense.
Your kid will likely come away with some strong friends-for-life relationships. I did marching band in HS, my DH did marching band through college, and a huge chunk of our social circle is former band nerds.
My husband and I met in our high school marching band! At band camp right before the start of 9th grade haha. (We did not date until the middle of college however.) But we both loved band! It was so fun and we both have life-long friends from it. Our high school was huge so everyone had their own group and we never got made fun of. The football players were definitely the popular kids, but the quarterback also played in our druml ine (he would run and change at halftime!) and helped to hype everyone up about the band. We traveled all over the country for competitions and it was just a really fun time. My parents didn’t go to many of the football games, but other parents did and they looked like they were having fun.
Updates post. If you’ve posted before, let us know how you’re doing. How’s your outfit, workplace drama, personal relationship, health, etc?
I posted at the beginning of the summer that I was not looking forward to being trapped at home with my WFH husband and college kid, who didn’t get along. The kid’s job turned out to be full-time after all (it had been advertised as full-time and then in May she was told it was only part-time). She loved the job and has been spending lots of time with old and new friends. Husband and I have successfully shared his car for the summer while kid took my car. Most importantly and perhaps most surprisingly, husband has made a genuine effort to connect with kid and it’s been moderately successful. He took her on a father-daughter weekend trip, actually listened to her instead of lecturing for a change, and came back with a better appreciation for how much she’s really got her life together.
That’s wonderful!!
Wow, I am both shocked and impressed by the character development of your husband.
Amazing!!
As the daughter of a lecturing dad, I bet that meant so, so much to her! I hope he keeps it up. It will pay off for both of them.
Oh, and he also came with us to two concerts that were Very Big Deals to kiddo, and tried very hard to do whatever she wanted him to do (taking zillions of photos, not scowling when she bought a t-shirt, etc.). For some reason she wanted us to take her instead of going with her friends, and he delivered. Major dad points earned.
that is absolutely amazing!
I’m the OP of the post about not receiving a thank you for a trust fund we set up for our nieces/nephews. Some of you noted that the kids would appreciate it more as they got older. Sure enough, the two oldest took us aside at family gatherings this summer to share heartfelt thanks for both the money and the emotional support we’ve offered. The funds aren’t ready to be handed over to the two younger kids but we definitely feel a lot less taken for granted at this point.
Those who posted about it not feeling ‘real’ to them yet were right. They didn’t quite understand the leg up this would give them – one child is now using the money as a down payment on an apartment she’s buying, the other is using it to move himself to a VHCOL city for his first job.
Wow, a great update! I remember your post and had my doubts about the kids, and I’m glad I was wrong. Good for you for being generous with no strings attached
That’s a really encouraging update, thanks for sharing!
I posted months ago about being upset that my family didn’t want to come visit my new baby and was called a narcissistic main character who didn’t sound fun to visit anyway and who clearly made all family events all about myself. It felt awful to be kicked while I was down and it forever changed how I view this place; I have found other online communities for support for various baby-related questions (he went through some super hard things right after I posted that). Golf club relative did come out and visit for about 24 hours and we had a nice time. Baby’s paternal grandmother is still devastated she’ll never be able to visit (and it’s even less likely now in Trump’s America). Life goes on. Our little family of three is as happy as we can be under some pretty stressful circumstances.
I remember that and remember the piling on. It was vicious and you didn’t deserve it. Sending my best.
One thing I learned from the random nastiness of this place: I can choose to believe people about their own lives or choose to make the worst possible interpretation of their words. It is a choice and both online and off, I view it as my job to take the charitable interpretation and see how the person’s feelings could be reasonable.
I think that’s very true. I’ve noticed a lot of posters will try to pick apart the details of someone’s post when by definition, random strangers here do not know anything about the facts on the ground. You can believe a poster when she says her ex was abusive or you can make up your own story that she’s a compulsive liar – but why? What do you get out of it? This is an anonymous board.
This situation was different, though. What people were reacting to was OP’s own description of the situation.
All you EVER react to is an OP’s read of a situation. That’s the point. You can take an OP at face value and try to imagine yourself in her shoes, or you can choose the most uncharitable interpretation possible just to start a weird online fight. Just remember that these are real people posting here, even if you can’t see them.
I’m glad you found the echo chamber you needed elsewhere.
Hey, the mean girl is still here!
I’m sorry you were piled on and glad you found support. This place can be rough and you certainly aren’t alone in being piled on and deciding this wasn’t a comfortable place for you.
You might enjoy the Moms board FWIW.
I mean that genuinely, not as snark!
The Moms board is kinder, but will still call out nonsense.
No, I don’t believe the mom’s board would ever trash a new mom and tear her to shreds for being sad no one was visiting a new baby. It’s a very, very different place.
Eh, I think the Moms would say of course you can feel disappointed but no one owes you a visit. And would point out that you can’t change people, you can only change your reaction to them. Which was basically what this OP was told here.
You’re right, but this woman’s feelings weren’t “nonsense,” and I have no idea why you’re still picking on her. Like is she your ex-coworker who stole all the good pens or something…?
The responses to that were SO WEIRD. Of course you wanted people to want to come see the baby! Of course you were sad your inlaws couldn’t come.
If I had a baby and didn’t have lots of family visiting to admire the baby I’d be heartbroken
Yeah, I simply don’t believe the contrarians who insist they would not be upset in any way if they had said “Mom, I’d love for you to come meet the baby for the first time this weekend” and Mom had responded with “eh, no thanks.” Insist you’d be chill about it all you want, but sometimes it’s really obvious when you’re lying just to pot stir.
I think at least some responders must have been the kind of child-free that sees children existing as some kind of imposition.
It’s also usually a symptom of other problems: one child being ignored his/her whole life, someone else being the golden child, low key neglect, etc.
Right. She’s not supposed to be disappointed that she and her baby are clearly not a priority to her family of origin? Yikes
I had a similar experience posting here about a different question while pregnant. I’m actually scared to describe the situation again because the mean girls who are coming for you in this update section are probably the same ones who came for me! Anyway, I’ve found the mom’s page a lot kinder and saner. I think bullying is a blood sport for a small handful of women here.
Honestly, my take on the mean girl thing every time I read one of the pile-on posts is that anyone who gets their jollies via anonymous online bullying is a pathetic, lonely creature who has very little happiness in their lives. I sincerely hope someone sees herself in this and decides to get a more fulfilling hobby. But if not, honestly, screw ’em.
Understanding that this is an unregulated area with lots of unqualified people, has anyone had a good experience working with a life coach? I am feeling a bit lost / floundering and just looked up life coaches on Yelp in my town, and found several with 50+ five star reviews. The main things I want to address is work dissatisfaction/toxicity and how to get back into dating as a solo parent of a young child. I would also like my life to be more disciplined in terms of productivity and exercise. I have a therapist I work with sometimes, but I think I’m looking for something a bit different. Maybe someone helping me come up with a strategy/roadmap to be in a better place this time next year.
Oh and if anyone has a life coach recommendation in the SF Bay Area, or someone who is great and fully remote, let me know!
Maybe look for coaches who have a blog or have written a book and see if what they have written resonates with you? Otherwise, yeah, there are very few benchmarks to evaluate someone in this area.
I haven’t worked with one, but I am one! A coach is going to start by working with you to discover the areas where you want to make progress, finding your motivations / desires for those areas, and then helping you identify steps to take. And helping you stay realistic. It’s going to be hard to deal with work dissatisfaction, dating, AND getting yourself into shape with productivity and exercise, all at once. (But, changes in one area tend to cascade over into other areas.) Coaching works best when someone is actively engaged in following through between sessions. It’s a real struggle for me when a person identifies things they want to do and steps they want to take, and then never actually engages with any of it when they’re not with me. Or when a person comes to me expecting me to have the answers to solve their life issues, or a magic process that will hand them a purposeful, satisfying life. I don’t have that process. What I can do is provide a scaffolding and framework and tools as you do your own exploration and take your own steps toward where you want to be.
I know two people who have put up shingles as life coaches. Both are disasters in their own lives. I fear that this occupation attracts many people who are completely unqualified to guide others in important ways. Would you be open to talking with a therapist instead? At least they have proper training. Check out if some of them are more centered on performance improvement or goal attainment.
I’m the OP and yes, my view is a bit tainted by an old roommate (when we were in our twenties) who was unemployed and a bit of a disaster, and then declared himself to be a life coach, lol. But these days I’m open to working with someone who comes with a lot of recommendations (maybe a referral). My therapist is helpful but I think something a bit more goal oriented (where I got homework) would be useful at this stage.
It’s not a confession so I will start a new thread.
I was talking to a friend the other day about what she suspects is an autoimmune condition that is affecting her skin. She didn’t want to go to the doctor because she’s sure she’s exaggerating it/ overreacting / being a hypochondriac.
My PSA is go to the doctor. All of you. We are socialized as women to suck it up, and I think that is compounded by all of us being dismissed by doctors.
I certainly have had my fair share of being dismissed. I spent four years trying to figure out what was wrong with me and finally got a major diagnosis. I was not making it up. And my condition is treatable, so that is four years of needless suffering including permanent damage from the symptoms of my disease.
Be your own advocate and find another doctor if yours is being dismissive.
If even one person reading here is going through this now and decides to take my advice, I will be happy!
I’ve had my own experiences too as someone with a chronic disease.
But also, don’t let doctors dismiss your concerns about perimenopause and menopause. Don’t just suffer through it. Find someone who will listen and get you the care you need.
Hi – I’m the poster above waiting on a neuro visit for MS. Guess who dismissed all my symptoms as perimenopause? My original OBGYN. I’m with another practice now but furious at how easily I let him dismiss all the symptoms as ‘just your hormones’.
I was told to drink coffee and exercise more by a primary care physician when I told her I felt exhausted all the time. Turns out I had sleep apnea and colon cancer (the colon cancer was caught when I went to a different doctor and she ran a lab that easily showed how low my iron stores were). I still feel rage every time I think about how she just dismissed me.
This. And if a doctor dismisses you, go to another one. Trust your gut when your gut tells you that something is wrong with your body. You have to be your biggest health advocate. And sometimes, you just gotta be what you may consider to be a B!TCH. Push. Ask more questions. Keep digging.
I’ve had over 40 years of living with chronic health conditions. The most effective, long term healing has been from naturopathic doctors who also can prescribe western medicine. They spend more time in appointments, a minimum of 30 – 45 minutes to 1.5 hours per appointment. They ask more questions, provide more in depth nutrition information (all of my issues have been partially managed through (healthy) dietary changes), and balance western medicine with the addition of supplements. I understand that not everyone thinks supplements are helpful, however I have managed to get several painful conditions into remission with the help of supplements and herbs. Probiotics, prebiotics are two examples, as well as D & B vitamins, and neem, and a gut motility blend.
I have a GP who i get my annual checkups with, an awesome gynecologist, and a great physical therapist, but when i need finetuning I connect with my naturopath.
My GP diagnosed me with IBS after 15 minute visit and prescribed a low fodmap diet. I went to a naturopath for assistance managing the diet. She said “your situation sounds like SIBO (small intestinal bacteria overgrowth) not IBS – let’s test for that. We tested, I was positive, we treated with western antibiotic and a few months now I have some herbal antibiotics I take and I can expand my diet beyond the incredibly limited low fodmap diet my GP had prescribed (which you are not supposed to be on long term).
Disclaimer, If I ever have a disease like cancer, diabetes, or similar i will treat with exclusively western medicine, and I do not advise naturopathy for those.
As a former cancer patient, my phenomenal surgeon, oncologist and their teams addressed the cancer and my chiropractor brother deep in the functional medicine space helped with my side effects and rebuilding my body after it was completely ravaged by surgery and chemo.
I strongly recommend a team approach and seeking perspectives from across the spectrum. I’m not a chiropractor person, but I thank my lucky stars that my brother was able to read my test results, blood work, help with research, sort my supplements and offer additional perspective.
I am realizing that having kids and a family might not happen for me, and it’s breaking my heart. I own my choices and I know better to complain about them to anyone, but there you go internet strangers.
I’m so sorry. I hope that you do have someone you can share your feelings with. This is really hard and you have this internet stranger’s sympathy (having been there), for what it’s worth.
Hugs.
Single in my 30s so I’m right there with you. I’m sorry. It sucks!!!
Pregnant at 42 and you can make a kid happen if you want. Took me
6 rounds of IVF, the last with donor eggs, and I’m weeks away from meeting my baby
Ugh. People say this all the time but it’s just not financially feasible for the vast majority of us.
I can’t afford to get pregnant on my own. I can’t afford daycare and rent. Heck – I drive a 2 seater (hand me down car), and I’d need a new car situation.
I don’t live extravagantly and I have savings, but daycare is more than my rent and my rent is more than 1/3 of my take home…
After daycare + rent (utilities included), I would have less than $800 left each month. Actually, even less than that because I’d have a dependent on my health insurance which would make that more expensive.
As someone who does have that, I’m constantly aware that it was a lot of lucky breaks from a few years in my 20s that could just as easily worked out differently and I don’t take it for granted at all. My heart goes out to you. It isn’t fair.
Sending lots of love your way.
My heart goes out to you.
Same but older. I have no real words of wisdom. But from a bit further down this road than you, I will say that if you focus on living and improving the life you have instead of obsessively rueing the one you don’t have, it feels a lot better on a day to day basis.
I like this…
https://alexandersmap.com/2023/10/10/saluting-the-ghost-ship/
In middle school, the music teacher played all the instruments. I didn’t get to learn one because I was told I couldn’t because I had braces. Now that I’m an adult, I’d like to see if I could do this but where do you start if you didn’t ever play anything? Find a music teacher at a middle school who gives lessons on the side? IDK if I am even a wind person or a string person or something else (but I can at least read the treble clef and understand that from church but I am bad at carrying a tune with my voice). There is no beginner music camp for adults and I envy children for this one thing.
Why do you want to play an instrument? If it’s just a vague desire to do something musical, start with piano lessons or join a non-auditioned community or church choir. If you want to make music with other people, it’s a lot easier to do that as an adult chorister than as an adult beginner instrumentalist. If you want to make music purely for your own satisfaction, piano (or guitar) will be more satisfying than playing an orchestral instrument by yourself.
If you are determined to play an orchestral instrument, pick something like viola where there is less competition for community orchestra seats. You will need several years of lessons and dedicated practice to be able to keep up in a community orchestra.
What a dumb thing for the music teacher to say–I was a flutist and had braces for all of high school. Right before I got them off I made second chair in all-state orchestra and was accepted to a top college music program.
What a BS explanation from the music teacher — don’t like 80% of kids have braces at some point? Surely some of them play instruments.
Look up the website for your local symphony orchestra and/or university college of music. Most maintain lists of private teachers.
Many symphonies also put on a “instrument petting zoo” as part of their kids’ outreach. No reason and adult can’t go to explore their own desire to make music.
Have fun exploring your musical curiosity!
Too late in the day to post in mom’s forum, so was hoping to get some helpful advice here. I have a rising 7th grade daughter. This afternoon she told me she was hanging out with her best friend at best friend’s house. I later learned that one of best friend’s boy friends (who best friend knows well and is a family friend) joined them at the friends house and then they all went over to the boys house. I was somewhat annoyed because 1)I don’t know this boy and 2) I was never informed of all of this. We had a talk about how I expect to be informed if she is hanging out with someone I don’t know, especially a boy. What kind of other boundaries/conversations should I be having?
That seems like incredibly normal 7th grade behavior. I don’t know if you need to have more talks about this.
+1
+1
anecdotally my mom would lose her sh!t at stuff like this so I just hid everything from her and still do, to some extent.
This seems normal? Seventh grade me had my first kiss under similar circumstances.
I can see wanting to be informed when she changes locations, but you’re way out of bounds being worried about her hanging out with a kid you don’t know.
I highly doubt you know all of her classmates or teammates – she’s probably already socializing out of school with plenty of kids you don’t know. As she should at her age.
This is super normal (and IIRC super fun) middle school behavior.
If you make a big deal out of this, she’ll likely just start hiding those details from you.
Rising 6th grader here. I think it’s reasonable to ask to be informed about where she’s going and who she’s with, but this is very harmless, very normal behavior.
As for other conversations: I hope you’ve had talks about sex, vaping, drinking, and drugs. You should also have multiple talks about social media and have specific boundaries about phone use if she has one.
You are a very mature and wise rising 6th grader!
ha ha ha
Good advice.
I did start drinking alcohol in 7th grade.
That you’ll come pick up your kid if she feels unsafe, anywhere, anytime, with no lecturing, if she texts you whatever code word you two agree on
I find this so hard to balance. I want my kids to call me if they’re ever uncomfortable, if a situation is unsafe, especially if they’re drinking and need a safe ride home.
I also don’t want to tacitly approve of underage drinking by not having consequences for it.
I see it as a risk assessment. I would much rather my kid call me if they are feeling unsafe than not call me because they don’t want to get in trouble for underage drinking. My kids are teenagers and young adults now and at least in our area, teenage drinking seems to have really gone down. We were out in fields getting wasted when I was a teen haha and my kids are almost always home on the weekends, sometimes with friends over.
I was SO afraid of my parents in high school, and quite frankly, it kept me from telling them about some things that probably would have improved with some adult involvement. As much as I don’t want to drive cross-town to get my kids out of some dumb party, I don’t want them to fear me the way I feared my parents.
Kids are different, and you know your kid, and can evaluate, but this never came across as tacit approval from my parents. Like a perpetual “you can always stop making a bad choice” reminder
Oh no, my kid would take this as our full consent and approval … and honestly, I would have too
I’d lay down (and repeat) ground rules about where she can go on her own, e.g., only the houses of people you know, only girls’ houses, whatever you think is appropriate. My parents were strict-ish and I was only allowed to go to boys’ houses in middle school if the boys’ parents were around (spoiler alert: I just sneaked around and did it anyway).
My kids are teenagers and I just want to know where they are/are going, more or less. I don’t have any rules about what gender or whether the parents are around, except for something like a sleepover. I’ve also told both kids that if their friend’s parents want to contact me before said friend comes over, I’d be delighted to talk. Sometimes it happens, but rarely.
My parents did the whole ‘only girls houses’ things which just encouraged not-straight me to have more experiences with girls.
That was very clever of you! I approve.
And you didn’t get pregnant, which was probably one of their top two concerns!
Yeah as a parent, my main concern is pregnancy, followed by STIs and then emotional maturity/handling of sexual relations.
So, if a kid can’t get pregnant or get someone else pregnant I worry a lot less.
We have similar rules. I am always the parent who calls first before my kids go over, but it is rare for someone to call me when their kid comes to our house.
I would focus on wanting to know where she is for safety reasons. I would be fine with this scenario, but I would expect to be asked before they went to a second location.
Yes–I expect my teens to ask before the go anywhere else.
Ask or tell?
We have a radius of our house for public places where my middle schoolers can go without asking, as well as “the usual suspects” houses.
If they’re going to a new house, I want a heads up.
As long as your chores and homework are done and you’re home on time, I tell them to go have fun.
When did I become such a prude? <— my best friend asked me last week. What is your general comfort level with showing skin or shape? Examples? Is it different at work? How old are you?
I’m generally comfortable showing skin if the venue is appropriate.
I’m 30, and wear longer crops frequently on weekends. I love a backless dress or top. I have a few cute short skirts. My b00bs are nothing to write home about, I show some cleavage but tend to show off other areas.
I’m obviously much lire conservative at work, but do wear long enough but still above the knee dresses and thicker tank tops. Definitely higher necklines at work.
My body is by no means great but it’s not awful. Clothing is fun and I love to use it to express myself
Mid-40s. Skin? Not comfortable and never have been. Shape, it depends entirely on the setting.
I don’t show any skin at work. Shoulders, toes, crop tops, shorts? NOPE. I don’t want my colleagues to see any of that, and I don’t want to see any of theirs. IRL I will run around in basically nothing though. Work me and real me live by different rules. I’m 32.
Same here but mid-30s. I live near the beach and often run errands in a sports bra and bike shorts. I’ll go all out on nights out. I dress pretty “young” in my personal life.
At work I do not show skin or shape. I like baggy trousers/jeans and oversized button downs. I use to show more shape at work but it just doesn’t feel right to me anymore, probably a combo of my age and styles changing. my 2010s clothes still fit but the wrap dresses, sheath dresses, ankle pants and pencil skirts feel dated and too revealing for me.
My skin is fleshy at the moment, and I don’t feel comfortable showing a lot at all. When I was less voluptuous, I felt more comfortable showing more skin.
My prudishness is driven by being perpetually freezing, especially when I lived in the SEUS and worked in an excessively over air conditioned office. Luckily I no longer live there or work in an office, but my house is pretty cold for a large portion of the year, so I still tend to be fairly covered up. I just get cold when my neck, chest, arms, ankles, or feet are bare unless it’s really warm (but even then, if I’m outside, I’m often trying to keep the sun off, so I still cover up a lot of the time). I’m okay with short shorts or skirts in warm weather, though, as my legs stay warmer and are more prone to overheating if it’s actually hot and I’m active.
Oh, and I’m in my mid 40s. But I’m pretty active outdoors and I think I still have reasonably nice legs.
Medicaid update….
Screaming into the void. I still do not have coverage for my children and I’m now firmly in the camp of I hate this. It’s unbelievable.
I have called all the people. Everything was approved July 10th and July 17th but no one can find the paperwOrk that was submitted by the people who approved it. It’s been escalated and takes 3-5 business days to hear back. The escalation date is Wednesday this week despite already escalating twice. I messaged the school district on Wednesday. No reply. I followed up yesterday and today with everyone up to the superintendent and there hasn’t been a reply yet.
So next week emergency room it is. I’m done. If he commits suicide I guess problem solved according to their metrics.
I’m so sorry (and angry on your behalf) that you’re dealing with this.
If you need to go the emergency room before the escalation, even today, please do.