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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Sandstone Cotton Colette Cardigan

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A woman wearing an ivory cable cardigan sweater and denim pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I know it’s a little early to be thinking about chunky cardigans, but we just had our first slightly cooler, rainy day after a long heat wave, and I’m so ready for fall. The Colette Cardigan from Tuckernuck is a cotton blend, so it will be perfect for layering over dresses and blouses on that first slightly cool autumn day.

I like this sandstone color, but it also comes in five other colors, including a pointelle knit that might work nicely on a cooler summer night.

The sweater is $188-228 at Tuckernuck and comes in sizes XS-XXL.

Sales of note for 8/28/25 (I'm bolding the ones I'm checking out first):

327 Comments

  1. noooooo not ready for fall! Slower at work, long evenings outside, the ocean water has been warm enough for enjoying ALL summer long (rare for NJ!), and our big summer vacation is actually Labor Day week – an amazing time to take off if you don’t have a school schedule to work around, as no one is really looking for you yet, crowds are down, and weather is gorgeous.

    So I will save my sweater shopping for like October or November where they belong!

      1. Same! I’m super pale and hate having to be a greasy mess all summer because I need SPF all over my body just to step outside. It’s so much better when I can cover my body with clothes and just put SPF on my face and neck.
        Independent of the sun, I also hate heat and humidity. My husband and I can both work remotely in the summers and I’m working on getting him to decamp to Maine or the southern hemisphere for a few months.

        1. I’m super pale too but have embraced UPF clothing! At the pool beach I wear a swim shirt and huge hat so really only need to sunscreen my face and legs. I also wear UPF tops and/or oversized cotton button ups when outside doing other activities. Honestly, keeps me cooler anyway!

          1. I’m definitely all about the rash guards for the pool! But I’ve never found UPF clothing that isn’t swelteringly hot. I wear it in the tropics where I can burn even through sunscreen, but at home I’d rather just wear sunscreen and be more comfortable.

      2. Me too! I live in the SEUS and am accustomed to hot and humid summers, but we just had a July where the temperature topped 90 degrees every single day, and we’re heat advisories frequently and several days of heat warnings. I am done.

        1. Same weather pattern here in the Midwest, and this week is finally cool enough that I can enjoy being outside because it’s only 85, not swampy with humidity, and not storming. Fall is the best but I would like to enjoy a sliver of summer outside rather than just camp indoors until October.

        1. Yeah that’s too much fall. Hopefully they’ll start selling Xmas stuff soon. Also — I know it’s air conditioned but don’t hang out in HomeGoods so often! You’ll just encourage them!

          1. Well, that sure is a take! I love the Halloween stuff but Xmas is a triggering season for me so I don’t care to see that for as long as possible…

        2. Nope, not gonna do it. I love fall, but I also like holding onto summer as long as I can.

      2. It’s so regional. My kids went back to school this week, so it’s fall. Summer here starts mid May.

        1. Here, it’s still cool when the kids get out in May and hot as blazes through September and even early October. It feels so out of sync with the actual seasons!

          1. I love it because May and early June is so much nicer for US/Europe travel than August. But yeah it’s def out of sync with the weather.

          3. Here in So Cal we have May Gray and June Gloom, and the hottest month of the year is September. No sweater weather in sight for me.

        2. Lol out here in the bay area, summer has not started yet. Bracing for indian summer in August/September

    3. I’m taking vacation during Labor Day week too, agree that it’s a great time to travel (especially in the northeast). Also agree that it’s too soon for sweaters. I’m anticipating that I won’t have my fall clothes out until mid-October. Summers have been stretching into fall.

  2. How do you cope with regret over a decision that changed your life physically?

    I injured myself doing something non-ergonomically (and I later found out the task was unnecessary, to add insult to physical injury) 2.5 years ago and still deal with the physical repercussions. I am only 30 years old and can’t keep but wondering if this is the rest of my life. It is affecting my ability to do some tasks and activities I want to try. Yes, I have been to PT, OT, therapy, and all the appropriate medical specialists….

    1. I look at it as life happens. Obviously it’s not ideal but the human body is not perfect and life is not predictable, so some unfortunate issues just happen. It’s not a reflection on you in any way. It may be unfair, but some things about health and bodies are unfair – see thread yesterday about how differently people are affected by eating unhealthy etc. It’s hard and it’s unfair, but I would try to not focus as much on that. If it wasn’t this some other medical issue could have come up.

    2. Did you “slip a disc” in your back? Happened to me in my late 20s and never been quite the same since, but have noticed dramatic improvements with focused core work.

    3. Who knows what the future holds, but I’m not sure there is any medical specialty I’ve seen where the training varied more from provider to provider than PT, and when I was told there was nothing left to try, it just meant that I’d exhausted what that one provider had to offer. I personally would also try some of the safer “inappropriate” management options at some point (e.g. acupuncturist) if pain is a factor. So I would try not to predict the future, and try not to dedicate a lot of time and mental energy to the issue, but I would remain open to new approaches for management even if it’s a back burner issue. I would also tell the best relevant provider on my team what it’s keeping me from in case they turn out to have new and different suggestions once they understand my goals (so if the OT knows that I want to do a specific task or activity, will they offer a targeted accommodation?). Maybe these suggestions don’t make sense with your issue, but that’s what has helped me with the issues I’ve had. The management options that helped me long term weren’t always the same as the management options that helped me do the task in the short term, so it helped to be explicit and concrete about goals.

      1. IME you will get the best results from a PT practice that works with college or professional athletes.

        1. I’ve also noticed this pattern; my guess is that they are used to setting higher goals for their patients. (And I am very, very far from an athlete myself, but I still benefited.)

        3. +1

          I am a middle aged frumpy mom whose athleticism involves mainly walking. My practice has a sports med specialist and get vastly better results when I see him for anything related to my body mechanics. My PCP tends to act like I am an elderly invalid who needs gentle coddling, but the sports med doc is like “here are 4 exercises and 3 stretches; do them for 30 minutes twice a day and DON’T YOU DARE LIE about it; your pain will go away once you strengthen that muscle group.” He’s right.

          1. Here’s my hot take, a lot of bad medical outcomes are due to patients lying or not following their treatment protocol.

      2. I completely agree about the truly massive variation in PT skill.

        It’s shocking: there is everything from “truly incompetent and will make the problem far worse” to “all but performs magic,” and it’s not like either end of the spectrum is a rare outlier. It’s more like: a third are incompetent, half are good (come on with a straightforward problem and it will get fixed), ten percent are great, and about five percent are magicians.

        1. I once saw a PT for back pain that in the end said “I don’t know what else to do. You may have to live with the pain” I was in my mid-30s. I saw an acupuncturist for the pain and it was resolved in two sessions. Other PT’s have been wonderful and really made a difference in my quality of life. With several in between.

        2. This is a really good summary of the range and distribution that my family has experienced so far.

    4. I have found that less traditional treatments can help with things like this! Think about trying private classic pilates lessons at a reputable local studio (not a national chain like Club Pilates). I have found pilates more effective than PT for teaching correct posture/muscle use and it has reduced my chronic pain. Acupuncture and dry needling can also help with symptom relief, but don’t treat the underlying cause in my experience.

      1. In my painfully extensive experience, dry needling only helps when the issue is something like torn muscles, tissues, or tendons. It brings blood flow to regions that do not necessarily get a lot of blood flow.

    5. I broke my shoulder playing a sport in college. It’s literally changed my life, 3 operations later and years of PT. It’s helpful to go through the grieving process – denial, anger, all that stuff. You’re young but even at your age you know you can’t control the hand you’re dealt, only the cards you play and how you react. It sucks. I’m sorry

      1. Yeah, this is very common among otherwise healthy young people. By our early 30s many of my friends sustained some type of permanent injury or illness. Congenital issues, sports injuries, hit by a car, caught an infectious disease… You need to grieve but let go of your anger. It sucks but at a certain point most of your peers will have a chronic medical issue

    6. Hard to know if this is helpful w/o knowing more about your injury. I got really bad wrist tendonitis in college due to some non-ergonomic setups from my laptop. It would flare up any time I was typing heavily (think finals etc.). Then I became a lawyer, which obviously involved typing heavily as well. I thought this was going to be a lifelong issue.

      Over time, it has faded away. My guess is that it was somewhat stress-related and also tied to the birth control pill– so it’s possible that your issue may get better over time.

    7. Didn’t impact me physically but mentally, but it was helpful to remind myself I made the best decision I could at the time based on what I knew at that moment. There was also an instance I got really stuck on and EMDR wound up being hugely helpful to break out of the thought pattern.

    8. For a nontraditional alternative, I recommend “Mind Your Body” by Nicole Sachs. Even if you don’t fully buy into her method, it provides an interesting new way to think about pain in our bodies that may bring you ease.

    9. I have an injury that is going to get worse for the rest of my life, even though I’ve had surgery and expected to have more. I had a hard time for the first couple years, but after I had my surgery my outlook improved so much even though I’m not necessarily fixed. Time helps, and it really helped me to talk to people online with the same health problem because most people don’t understand

    10. Welcome to the human race. There are many folks around you that have a similar situation. It is a loss, and it is normal to be angry or fearful. Over time you will become less so, and more compassionate when you see others in similar situations.

      You adapt. And come to realize that life as an adult is full of losses over time, and in fact is often defined by them.

  3. Has anyone used the minimalist wardrobe/ordered her guide?

    I’m 40. Recently done having kids. Just lost 75 lbs (and counting, just a smidge more to go) and feel AMAZING. I’m ready for a style refresh and to buy a bunch of clothes that fit my new body. I’m in a business causal trending “smart casual” (jeans ok sometimes) work environment and I just need to start at zero. I’ve been following her/them on insta for a long time. Before someone tells me to just go buy everything I like at Everlane to mimic the look, it’s not that simple. The idea of a guide is really, really attractive to me. I’ve also struggled with weight for so long that while I appreciate style, I’ve never been able to dress myself with ease. Shopping has always been a point of deep anxiety and frustration. I know what good outfits look like but I can’t seem to put them on my own body. This feels like a decent crutch to get going. Thoughts?

    1. I’m not familiar with the influencer or stylist you’re talking about, but if you’re drawn to the system or info, why not give it a shot?

      What does “I can’t seem to put them on my own body” mean? Do you mean you can’t get yourself to buy the outfits you know you like, or you buy them but don’t wear them, or you wear them but don’t think they look good on you?

      1. It means that I’ve always struggled with fit, largely because I was my old body size and finding things that fit was just a significant challenge. Now, I see a mannequin or influencer in an outfit and I love it… but somehow talk myself out of putting it on myself. My inner monologue goes something like: “that will never look right on you. Move along…” and so I move along for fear of trying it on and getting that utterly disappointing feeling I got constantly when something didn’t fit.

        FWIW, I just bought a size 8 blazer from Banana. I’m still wearing size 12 Jcrew pants to work (a little big, but they fit well enough). I also just bought a size small Madewell linen dress. So, my current size is also hard to peg because vanity sizing, different cuts/pieces, etc. But, I’m squarely in the size range that I can pick something off the rack in a store for the first time in what feels like forever. I’ve stuck to these types of brands because as I continue to lose weight, they’re just cost effective and nice enough to plug the wardrobe hole. But I’m buying one thing here and there vs thinking about an overall wardrobe.

        1. I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight as well, and it takes a looooong time (for me at least) for my views of myself and of my body to catch up with where my body currently is. Your inner monologue of “that will never look right on you, don’t even try it” is from the past, but it can take a long time to recognize those monologues and release them. In the meantime: gather your courage to walk into a store and try on those outfits. Just put them on your body. You don’t need to buy anything. Take a photo in the dressing room, so later on you can look at them more objectively. Get used to trying thing on and having them fit you. Be OK with this inbetween stage where your mind and emotions haven’t caught up with your body, where you may not trust that the change is real, and where your old clothing reactions are still strongly shaping how you shop and what you see in the mirror.

          And also . . . buy one or two totally new outfits, in your new sizes, even if your mind is screaming at you that they’re not for you.

    2. congratulations, that’s amazing. I think fit is key and there’s no particular way to know if the brands she is showing will fit you. All of which is to say you probably don’t need to order her guide but can use the stuff she posts as a guide. For example, if you need a good pair of jeans, a pair of black pants, a pair of khacki or olive, and something trendy you could set out to find what brands fit you. it takes time but helps to know…

    4. I haven’t ordered hers in particular, but I ordered one from another stylist-blogger person a couple of years ago. I found that it was less helpful than I expected for finding specific items, as some of those brands don’t work for my body shape. Or the level of formality was just a bit off for my particular workplace. That said, it wasn’t a super expensive investment, so it might be worth trying.

    5. You also may need to work on your “eye.” If you aren’t used to seeing yourself in different styles, your default response may be to think you don’t look good.

      I have a colleague who wears the same stuff all the time, she’ll try something slightly different (like maybe a skirt with a slight A line instead of a more pencil-shaped skirt) and insist it doesn’t look good. But it looks nice, it’s just not EXACTLY the same as what she always wears.

      I think the way to get past this is to try on A LOT of clothes and be open-minded. Some people swear by taking photos to get a better idea of how something looks.

    7. I’ve been there OP! In my case, my partner died when I was in my early 40’s, and for financial reasons I had to transition from a nonprofit where I was comfortable dressing like a college student to a fancier lawyer gig where image mattered. I was tired from caregiving, looking a little worn out and coffee-stained, and intimidated by how put-together my colleagues looked. My mom gave me some great advice on starting fresh with my look I hope it can help you too.

      It sounds like in part, what you’re really trying to get help with is managing your feelings about dressing. I felt the same way, and I found it helped to have a plan for my whole look, put things like haircuts on an automatic schedule of appointments for the next two quarters, make as many wardrobe decisions as possible ahead of time, and then just work your wardrobe plan. To make your plan, buy this program if you want it, look at the blogs, check some books out of the library, and take some quiet time to think about what you do know you like, and how you live. I have also refreshed my plan in September and April by buying a couple of items for the changing season. It sounds like you have a busy life. Ask yourself about how practical drycleaning, laundry schedules, and footwear need to be. Where else do you need to go on a regular basis? Plan ahead for those events too. Then treat your glow up like any other project. Make a schedule, budget, and a plan, and get started.

      My mom suggested that I take a PTO day (no kids to railroad the schedule!) and start at the dentist for a teeth cleaning, then get a haircut I liked that wasn’t a pain in the rear to do every morning, buy enough well-fitting bras, socks, and other undergarments for two weeks, and pick out a lipstick or gloss that made me feel pretty. Don’t skip the underwear! It makes everything sit on your body better. After that, I met with a Nordstrom stylist and just tried stuff on for an hour. (Note: If interested, you need to make this appointment ahead of time) I didn’t buy everything that she suggested, and I was honest about what I could afford, which colors I liked, and how much maintenance I was willing/able to do. Then I had a friend whose style I’ve always been jealous of meet me for happy hour, showed her my new stuff, and let her look for and pick out a couple more items that I ordered online. She also showed me how to wear the pieces I had bought with other items to make new outfits. I also ended up with three(?) pairs of shoes and a handbag that fit my lifestyle and made things feel put-together. At that time I lacked the confidence to enjoy my own clothing choices. I found that by trusting the judgment of a friend in a similar career who enjoyed clothes, that I could borrow a little of her confidence. Not everything I tried on fit me, but that wasn’t a reflection on me, it is a practical reality of clothing companies needing to make clothes for everyone, and we’re all different. If you like something, but it doesn’t fit quite right, consider just getting it altered.

      Before I debuted my new look, my mom came over and we cleaned out my closet and got all my new clothes cleaned and ready to go. I am glad we did this, because then wearing my worn out standbys was no longer an option. I do wish that I had considered buying clothes for other normal events (like yoga, brunch with friends, maybe a date with your spouse, a funeral dress). I find that I do better if I can be ready ahead of time, so I don’t have to think about what I am going to wear. Over time, I got compliments on my new outfits, and gradually I was better able to go in a store or online and pick things I enjoyed wearing. Good luck, OP! It sounds like you’ve done lots of big things, and buying a new wardrobe is something else that you absolutely can do and will soon be able to check off on your to-do list.

  4. this sweater is lovely. when i see things like this i debate whether its worth upgrading my wardrobe. i can afford better but mostly wear old navy and loft….

    1. FWIW, I would not pay list price for this sweater. It’s cute, but just a cotton-acrylic blend, and in my experience blends don’t hold up as well as 100% cotton (or wool, or whatever) sweaters.

      1. +1. I have cotton-acrylic sweaters and they’re fine, but I’m sure as hell not spending $200 on one.

    2. I very recently bought a sweater similar to this, though it’s a pullover and not a cardigan. It’s a brand I’d never heard of before- Seasalt Cornwall. It’s 100% organic cotton and cost considerably less than this sweater. Something to check out!

      1. I love Seasalt! I found an in-person store pre-pandemic when I was in the City of York and have purchased from its website a few times when I got back home. It’s a Saint James (coastal, I suppose) aesthetic with it’s own personality.

    3. I wonder the same thing! I don’t have a problem spending on things I know will get worn to death, like a good pair of pants or workout gear. I have a much harder time justifying spending more on sweaters and tops.

    4. I love the look of this sweater with the gold colored buttons.

      I don’t love the cotton acrylic material.

      At that price point, a wool blend with cotton would be better.

        1. I hate that wool or cashmere is in all sweaters these days! So many 95% cotton/5% cashmere. What is the possible value of adding just enough cashmere to make a perfectly nice cottons sweater itchy?

          1. Preach. I know wool and cashmere are the standard, but I cannot stand how they feel. Give me a nice cotton sweater anytime.

  5. Any ladies here who invest in bitcoin or crypto generally? Asking whether you’re someone who got in at one dollar and is sitting on tens of millions now or whether you’re someone who is like let’s just throw a few thousand in now just in case it does something.

    For those who say it’s a Ponzi scheme, gambling etc, believe me I get it as DH and I discuss it. From our professional circle it doesn’t seem like many people are into it at all, though I think now some are buying the bitcoin ETFs. But like all investments why would people openly discuss – just the sense we’ve gotten from how people talk that amongst the east coast lawyer crowd there’s healthy skepticism.

    1. Getting into crypto now is dumb, but my old tech bro boss got in around 2011 and he’s a bajillionaire now. I always laugh when I read articles about him in the news because they imply his money comes from his business ventures and not getting lucky with Bitcoin.

      1. YMMV but definitely don’t think it’s dumb. You just have to manage expectations. Someone who got in in 2011 has made 1000s of times their money. Getting in now of course that won’t happen but can it go 2x, 5x, or 10x – probably. JPM is looking to offer loans backed by crypto so it’s becoming institutionalized. You won’t grow your capital by zillions but it won’t go down to zero either most likely.

        1. Yes, It can go to 2x, 5x, 10x, and it can also go down to 0.02X, 0.05x, or literally 0. As there are still no underlying fundamentals, crypto is still a gamble not an investment.

        2. I bought Apple and Google in 2008 — I worried I was way, way too late. Just checked: Apple is up 1,252.22% in gains ($8k is now $95K). Google got split at some point but both of those two stocks are up around 650%.

          I got into Amazon and Microsoft recently in a nihilistic splurge and Amazon is up 122% and Microsoft up 156%.

          (On the other hand I invested in an ETF for the MJ industry and that $1500 is now $300. So… win some, lose some.)

      2. This is not investing advice but the “it’s too late to get in” line continues to fall flat. No, you’re not likely to make 1,000,000%, but if you said “it’s too late to buy bitcoin” in fall of 2020 you’d have lost out on 12x returns. If you said it a year ago today, you missed a chance to double your money.

    2. No, but I’ve been thinking about it. I have real concerns that Trump is going to devalue the US dollar to boost his own investments in cryptocurrency.

      1. Is he empowered to devalue the US dollar so deliberately — curious as to how he would accomplish this.

        1. They have openly talked about the dollar being too high and how that affects international trade imbalances.

    3. I used to work for the U.S. Treasury and we were not allowed to invest in crypto. Now that I don’t work there anymore, I’ve been considering investing a small amount (maybe a couple thousand just to see what it does).

    5. I have had an account set up that purchases a small amount of BTC weekly for a few years (started back when BTC was at ~$18k). It would be quite a bit of money now except I’ve cashed out twice, once to pay off my student loans and another time to help me exit a relationship/living situation. It’s mostly just for fun and I don’t use it as a serious investing strategy.

    6. It’s gambling. People gamble all the time. As long as you are willing to lose it, do what you want.

      No, I don’t buy crypto.

    7. I read an article about bitcoin when it was less than a $1 and I thought, what a funny idea why not buy $20 just to say I did. Then I got distracted with something and walked away before I finished the transaction and forgot about it. Didn’t think about it again until seeing news stories of it being worth 1,000s.

      Now I think about that What If every time I have a bad day at work.

  6. Hopefully a fun question for this morning – what is the DIY project you are proudest of completing?

    My husband and I have been doing a lot more DIY work around the house / vehicles, and my current victory is that we swapped the drive shaft in our evaporative cooler totally solo, which saved us 200 on a new pump! Next up is a transmission swap on the project car, which I am also excited about. There’s something pretty cool about being able to do these sort of projects without a pro.

    I’m also super proud of the quilt I made for my best friend for her wedding! It’s a king size log cabin and I think it turned out beautifully.

    1. I’m at a much lower level than you, but I’m proud of basically re building my bed after the movers put it back together wrong. And of painting a particularly tricky door.

    2. oh fun thread.
      – Fully mapping all our circuits (in a 150+ year old house, no easy task). Like one circuit goes straight up one wall and so operates a grand total of 4 outlets in a column, basement, living room, bedroom, bedroom. But each of those rooms has some combination of 2+ other circuits depending on when things were installed (like ceiling lights for 2 of the rooms are on the kitchen circuit, of all things). There is now a detailed master list taped to the circuit box!
      – Measuring and installing our own closet systems with minimal “your OTHER left” commentary
      – Figuring out and then ordering and replacing the solenoid in our dryer to fix it for the cost of the part and the time of a couple of YT videos!

    3. a long time ago i made my then 4 year old son a no sew finn mcmissle costume for a spirit day at camp. it was amazing and he was so pleased…

      1. I made my daughter really nice Halloween costumes, each of which was worn multiple times. Hermione, Rey, and Eliza Schuyler.

      2. One of my daughters is 25 and STILL talks about Halloween costumes I made for her and her siblings when they were children. I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of those costumes. Hope you do as well.

    4. Dumb but I live alone and have zero skills so I was proud when I bought a drill and figured out how to use it.

    5. My grandfather built a building that he ran various businesses out of when he returned from WWII. When my dad was getting ready to renovate the building to re-open as a community space he tore out the old windows. One day when I went to visit my dad and see the progress on the building, I saw the windows piled up. I asked my dad if I could have one and he said yes. My husband and I built a cabinet around it so that the window pane is the front door of the cabinet (installed with hinges on top so it opens longways). It turned out to be such a beautiful and sentimental piece.

    6. what a fun question!
      A very simple drawer organizer out of wood scraps, and a really cute garlic pot that I made in pottery class.

    7. I just replaced the wood slats on the seat and back of an outdoor patio bench and am ridiculously proud of myself. I even created a better system than the original for metal supports under the seat.

    8. I should say gutting and renovating my bathroom but… what’s brings me the most joy is having one remote to control all the tv related things.

    9. I just refurbished an old sewing machine and am tickled pink about it. Dismantled the whole thing, cleaned it, oiled it, calibrated and adjusted it, replaced worn electrical parts (capacitors and resistors). So satisfying.

  7. Spa recommendations for San Antonio, TX?

    When I travel for work, I treat myself to a spa day before I fly back home. I like the Four Seasons, but there isn’t one in San Antonio. Any places with a similar experience? I want to lounge around in a robe after a massage.

        1. How would this work? I am always expected to fly home in the evening after the meetings end. Eyebrows would be raised if my flight schedule showed a free day before my flight home.

          2. We always get the choice to fly home late or to fly home anytime the next day. I have small children so I usually fly home the same day the meetings end, but every now and then I take that extra day.

          3. Spa lady here!

            The last day of a conference usually ends in the morning, so I just book the latest flight out. I check out of my hotel, spend the day at the spa, and then go straight from the spa to the airport.

            If the work thing ends late (e.g. all day deposition), I spend the night after the work thing, do a spa day when I wake up, and then go straight to the airport from the spa.

          5. I will sometimes stay extra days if I’m going somewhere fun and I just take a vacation day (or it gets timed such that my extra day is a weekend day). If it necessitates an extra day in a hotel, I just pay for that myself. Work doesn’t really care when the flight back is. (Lawyer, so my schedule is super flexible anyway as long as the hours get billed at some point).

          6. Yeah I think most employers don’t care at all, as long as you’re using vacation days for any weekday spa trips and paying out of pocket for the added hotel stay if your personal stuff requires an additional overnight.

            Academia is the most rigid industry I know about this, and even there you can submit a cost comparison proving the flights for the extended trip dates were the same price as the flights for the work only dates, and still get reimbursed. My husband does it all the time, because we join him on trips and take family vacation afterwards. He pays the hotels for the extra days obviously, but gets his full flight cost reimbursed.

    2. Have not been personally but Hotel Emma’s spa and Hyatt Regency San Antonio. Both lux hotels with similar or nicer vibes to a Four Seasons.

    3. If you could add a new game/sport to the olympics what would it be? If you could have an unlimited supply of something other than money what would it be?

  9. Hit me with your best icebreaker questions. This is for a group of people who are at varying levels of seniority and we meet monthly, and have cycled through all the traditional icebreaker questions (what did you want to be when you grow up, favorite movie, etc). Only rule is it can’t veer into political or heavy topics – want to keep it light. Help!

    1. If you could have any one food delivered to you for free on demand for the rest of your life, what would it be.

    6. If you were an Animagus (from Harry Potter), what animal would you be?
      What would your Patronus be?
      They should probably not be the same answer. Your Animagus is the animal you are most like, but your Patronus is your protector and advocate.

        1. Yeah, I’ve even read the books and seen the movies and I wouldn’t know what this is.

          1. I read and loved the books multiple times as a kid, have seen all the movies and am currently re-reading the books with my 7 year old and I don’t know what this is! Very obscure reference even for a fan.

      2. FWIW Anon 10:20am, if you asked me that I would be like oh yes there’s one of my people. :)

    7. What was your best Halloween costume?

      What’s your all-time favorite dessert?

      What ingredient will always make you order the dish at a restaurant?

    8. My husband did one of these for work recently and asking people what their first car was got some fun conversations going.

      1. This doesn’t work if you have any life long city dwellers or poverty in play. I know part of my team would awkwardly be like ‘uh never owned a car’.

        1. Noooo this assumes so many cultural and class things it’s an awful question.

    12. If asked to put together a non-work related powerpoint in 10 minutes, what would your topic be?

    13. This is maybe too heavy, but I was at a conference once where the small group ice breaker was who is someone who has influenced your life? It could be personally or professionally. The answers were great!

      2. We did a version of this that was “who is your hero or someone you admire” and it was very interesting! Combo of personal and non-personal connections.

      1. The group chair insists on it. It’s a way for us to get to know each other a little better, too.

        1. Sounds like the group chair should be the one to come up with the questions, then. After several monthly meetings, are people not already acquainted? Does he not understand how human relationships develop?

    15. We’re about to do one – “What is your morning drink?” We played it just on our team, and the very detailed coffee orders with the shots, milk type, etc. were fascinating. Could be tea, juice, coffee, whatever.

      1. I like this. Then it also gives you good intel on what to surprise a coworker with someday!

    17. I always like the “What was your favorite job?” question. Most people tend to bring up a fun high school or college job, like scooping ice cream, newspaper delivery, working at a farm stand, etc.

    18. Most of these ideas just make me feel like a total grinch about icebreakers. Half of these questions I genuinely have no answers to and can’t even fathom that people think that way. And even some of the ones I could answer feel like they’d be just as likely to be awkward for a lot of other people, like the car one (I’ve owned a grand total of two cars in my 40+ years, so I have an answer to this one, but it’s not very interesting).

      1. You sound like a grinch who lack emotional intelligence.

        What’s stopping you from saying “I haven’t owned many cars but once my neighbor had a gorgeous mint green jeep that I lived!”

        Like, just be a person??

        1. Yeah, I have to agree. The most emotionally intelligent people will respond to questions they can’t easily answer with “ha, I don’t have a favorite coffee because I grew up drinking tea, but I’m going to have to try that triple-shot Frappuccino Joe described before my next deadline!”

        2. Making people lie on the spot isn’t cool, the questions asked should be inclusive

        3. Probably because they see how you’re reacting with such hostility and don’t need manufactured situations so that their coworkers can make similar judgements. People are so quick to be negative that you have to make up some silly lie about how you liked a mint green car once. And then people will still think you’re a dumb lady who likes cars based on color. You can’t win.

        4. When I don’t have an especially relevant answer, I pivot to a joke or related fact. Ex. “It’s been years since I’ve owned a car, but after watching Back to the Future I was obsessed with Deloreans for years!” or “No car for me, but I always thought it would be fun to have a bright pink Jeep!” Rinse, repeat.

      2. I guess I just recognize how many of these questions are specific to a very specific cultural background. I work with people from a lot of different countries, ages, and socioeconomic backgrounds, so questions about muppets, Halloween, cars, concerts, Harry Potter, Disney, baseball walk up songs, and summer jobs just don’t feel very universal and are more likely to make people feel awkward than to feel included, which should be the point of icebreakers.

        1. Realistically I think establishing an in and out group is often the actual outcome of icebreakers.

        2. If the cultural backgrounds vary very, very widely, ask about food.

          What food is your home region famous for?

          What food did you not try until adulthood that other people love?

          Brand or type of dessert that reminds you of your childhood?

    19. I always wonder if more people would like ice breakers that stay more focused on work, and while helping you get to know each other, keep it in the professional realm and don’t force introverts to bare themselves.
      I like going around the room and giving a shout-out to someone (present or not) who has really helped me at work lately. Or name a work skill that you would like to gain/appreciate in others.

      1. I prefer icebreakers that are not related to the current job, but that allow people to be as personal or as guarded as they like. First job, baseball walkup song, and boring fact are all in this category. The goal is to get people thinking of one another as more than their jobs.

        1. A muppet is a puppet character on a very popular US children’s television program called Sesame Street. It was broadcast in many nations all over the world not just in America (I watched the Muppets as a child growing up in West Africa) so “muppet” has become a common/easily known or referenced point for many people when talking about things from childhood.

    21. Seasonal ones are easy:

      Best summer carnival ride or snack?
      Pool, ocean or lake- choose one!
      Favorite ice cream flavor?
      If you could grow a flower or vegetable or herb easily, what would you choose?

      2. I despise this question as it outs me as growing up in a Christian evangelical home that only allowed Christian music. So my first “real” concert wasn’t until late college, which wasn’t that long ago (10 years). The whole thing just outs me and it more than I want to discuss with coworkers.

        OP – my boss always offers two questions and the person can choose which option suits them better. I know it’s more work asking two icebreakers every month, but it lets people get out of one if they are uncomfortable. The questions can complement each other, like “what was your first concert OR your favorite concert?”

      3. The question we were asked was “name a memorable live music event” and we got everything from a kindergarten recital to the most unlikely person ever being at Woodstock.

        1. A boss of mine went to lollapalooza in the 90s, it really did a lot of positive good for my perception of him

    23. If you could add a new game/sport to the olympics what would it be? If you could have an unlimited supply of something other than money what would it be?

    24. I think the best one I’ve done were first jobs – first teen jobs and first grown up jobs/how you got into the industry. We had some funny ones.

    25. What was the first movie you ever saw in a movie theatre?
      What is your superpower?
      I had a boss once who asked all sorts of inane icebreakers. My “favorite” was, “What kind of building are you?” That was a headscratcher for sure.

    27. I’m a huge fan of ice breakers that actually get a meeting started. Like, I don’t need to know anyone’s favorite ice cream, and I’m not that interested in my coworkers early life- happy hours are there for that sort of thing.

      So:
      -what should we know about your skill sets?
      -what skills do you have that you aren’t currently using?

      -what’s your biggest pain point rn?
      -if we had 3x the budget, what would you do differently?

      -how do you work best? what would make you more productive? what’s the best way to get in contact with you?

      -what’s your biggest accomplishment on this project to date? (i.e. brag about your own work)
      -Who has knocked it out of the park since last month? (or some other praise your coworker type question)

      1. I hate all those questions. Especially the skills one, I’m not helping someone take advantage of me.

      2. I feel like half of these are interesting discussion questions but not what I understand ice breaker questions. To me, ice breaker questions can be answered fairly quickly, and the purpose is to go around the room, hear from everyone and acknowledge each other’s presence, but not spend a ton of time on it.

      3. I absolutely despise work-related icebreakers. The meetings that start with work-related icebreakers are always more negative in tone and less productive than meetings that start with frivolous icebreakers.

    29. When you pack to go on a trip, what is one item that you bring with you? (Answers are supposed to exclude necessities.)

      You get answers like “my travel coffee press” or “the iPod I’ve had for 15 years.”

    30. Are you going to be able to get away for the holidays? (Although this is more appropriate for an office party setting .) You can ask this of everyone, and there’s always some holiday coming up

  10. Help me think through a travel question. I’m taking an overnight flight to Rome that departs mid afternoon US time and we’ll get to the city around 10am local time the next day. I always feel gross after getting off a long flight (especially if I sleep on the plane) but we can’t check into our hotel until mid afternoon. That means I can’t shower upon arriving. How would you freshen up after landing?

    Baby wipes all over and change clothes in the airport bathroom? From what I remember Italian restrooms are iffy so I don’t know if I can rely on a big handicap stall. Take off my makeup and redo it in the airport bathroom? And is there any stylish hat to cover my greasy hair that’s not a baseball cap?

    1. i would go to the hotel and leave your bag and use their bathroom which is cleaner and there’s a chance you will be able to get into the room…. also might be worth paying for early check in if that’s an option or even have the room the night before if it’s that important to you. i usually brush my teeth and wash my face and keep it moving but if you want a real clean might be worth it… also does the airport have showers? some major airports do….

    2. Assuming you aren’t interested in booking an extra night’s hotel:

      – never fly in makeup! Just lotion and prior to landing, swipe a wet wipe over your face, apply sunscreen and bare minimum makeup, and call it a day.

      -hair- I find that if I blowdry my hair and dry shampoo
      It before the flight, it looks fine. I loathe the feeling of next day hair so I just have it in a ponytail and that is fine.

      – I do change on arrival but plan to have little space. I tuck a wet wipe in an outside pocket, I like MegaBabe, do a quick pits and bits wipe, clean undies and socks, and throw an easy dress on.

      – I do also check for a lounge with showers on arrival. If that’s easy to do, it’s great. Usually isn’t in Europe

    3. Bougie, but we pay for an extra night if needed so we can check in immediately on landing. Be sure to message the hotel to tell them you aren’t arriving until morning so they don’t assume you’re a no-show and give the room away.

      2. Same. Booking Day Me never wants to spend the money, but Travel Day Me is always SO HAPPY to have that hotel room waiting. And second the advice to give the hotel a heads-up.

    4. Agree with trying to go and check in at the hotel and leave your bags there. On a recent trip I landed, went to hotel and dropped bags off, changed clothes, brushed teeth, combed hair, and then went out and I felt comfortable.

    6. I book my hotels for the night before (call and make sure they know you’re doing this and note it everywhere) so I can just go right there. It’s always worth the extra cost.

    7. When I had two ten-hour flights back to back, I felt like a new me when I changed underwear, t-shirt, and brushed my teeth during the layover. I just did it in the regular bathroom. I also am a huge “shower after flight” person but wouldn’t make a huge deal of it in the scenario you describe.

    8. The bathroom stalls at FCO are large enough to change clothes. If I arrive in the morning, I change, brush my teeth and splash water on my face (+ add sunscreen, mascara and lip stick) at the airport if I have hours before I can check in. Although last time I paid for the night before because I was traveling with my father who cannot sleep on planes and always arrives ready to collapse and it was amazing if you can justify the extra expense.

    9. I took an overnight trip to England earlier this year and this is what I did:
      -washed and dried/styled my hair the morning of my flight and wore it down on the flight
      -dry shampoo’d the heck out of my hair upon arrival and put it in a pony
      -washed my face upon arrival with actual cleanser
      -brushed my teeth upon arrival
      -used some of those “shower wipes” and then reapplied deodorant
      -replaced my contacts with a fresh pair
      -changed into a clean shirt

      It seems a bit excessive but it all really helped me feel clean and less grimy. It also felt like my normal morning routine a bit so that kind of helped reset my internal clock. The first thing I did when I checked into my hotel was shower though!

    10. First, don’t wear makeup on the plane. It’s not good for your skin!

      Second, the bathrooms by the baggage claim area of international arrivals are usually filthy beyond compare. Think port a potty on the third day of Glastonbury filthy. I would not change clothes in there and have even foregone brushing my teeth at some of the dirtiest ones (Milan for example).

      But honestly, I’ve usually shown up early and not had a problem getting a room when I arrive. If I have to wait, I settle in at the hotel bar where there’s a reasonable chance the hotel will arrange for a complimentary drink due to the inconvenience. I’m always in a room by the time noon rolls around so I just wait and shower then.

    11. Shower before you leave for the airport. Wear comfy clothes on the plane; do not wear makeup. Wear fresh clothes and apply new deodorant upon arrival.

      See if there are fancy local gyms that have day passes. Light cardio plus a shower will make you feel great.

    12. I’m assuming that you have already checked but if not, I would call and ask for an early check in just in case. If you’re getting in at 10, you’re not getting to your hotel until 11 most likely (and possibly later) and the hotel may be able to accommodate you.

      I don’t recall the bathrooms in Rome’s airport being gross but they can’t be grosser/smaller than changing in the plane bath.

      Agree on no makeup for the plane.

    13. I wash my face and brush my teeth in the airport bathroom and change clothes. And agree don’t wear makeup on the plane.

    14. This is typically me every time we are flying to Europe. I agree with others that waiting for the hotel’s lobby bathroom is probably a better experience. However, regardless of the location, I do the following if I can’t shower getting off the plane: Lume deodorant wipes, new deodorant, brush teeth/mouthwash, wash face (I bring a mini of my favorite cleanser), do skincare and maybe concealer and mascara, change at least my bottom layers, refresh my hair (which typically means getting it a little damp with an empty spray bottle and clipping it up). I don’t fly in makeup, but these things typically make me feel mostly human, and keep me going until I can check in and shower.

    15. There’s a lounge called HelloSky in FCO where you can shower upon arrival for €25 (may be included if your credit card has Priority Pass).

    16. Fresh underwear + brushing my teeth are the biggest wins for me. If I have a pair of undies that are on their last legs anyway, sometimes I bring them for travel and just…throw them away in the arrival bathroom. FCO doesn’t feel fancy; but I’ve never felt like their bathrooms are unsanitary or anything.

    17. Book the hotel for the night before so you can check in immediately, take a 2-3 hour nap, shower and then have a great afternoon-evening in Rome.

  11. Cheap online glasses recommendations?

    My latest post-lasik prescription is 20/30 so my optometrist mentioned I might want to try some glasses for night driving.

    2. I just got some cheap glasses from the framery (affiliated with 1-800-contacts) and I’m happy with them!

    3. eyebuydirect

      I have a slightly stronger Rx need but not by much. I also hate glasses, never remember to wear them so I order cheap ones there and leave them everywhere. No complaints. Pretty easy interface to use and lots of selections.

    5. Zenni, and ask your optometrist for your measurements (at least the pupillary distance). My current optometrist shared the measurements of my favorite frames so I knew what size to look for (i.e., overall width, height, bridge width, stem length, etc.). If you don’t currently have glasses, you can get an idea by measuring a pair of comfortable sunglasses.

      I had one optometrist refuse to share my PD once they found out I was buying glasses elsewhere (which is why they are no longer my provider). Doesn’t sound like yours cares, so hopefully that isn’t an issue for you.

    6. My favorite is eyebuydirect. I’ve gotten decent ones from Zenni but I’ve also gotten really poorly made ones from there.

  12. Weird question but isn’t that what we’re here for?

    My back skin feels…. bumpy? I’m 40, absolutely have sun damage, and have back-ne that has persisted in various levels my whole life (more so recently for no identifiable reason). Recently, though, it just feels like I’ve got a lot going on. I’ve never done anything special for cleansing my back – bar soap on a face cloth has been my shower routine for years (and not just for my back).

    All I can think of is wanting circa 2000 apricot scrub with the little plastic beads and a loofa, and then to go wild and just exfoliate the living daylights out of it. I know that’s a terrible plan, but what can I do? My next annual derm appt is 6 months away. Ideas or something that might make it just feel a little better in the near term?

    1. It may be keratosis pilaris – try the CeraVe salicylic acid lotion “for rough and bumpy skin”

    2. Neutrogena’s body wash that has salicylic acid in it. It will open those pores up if it’s that.

    3. You need to see your dermatologist sooner! It’s impossible to tell what might be going on.

    4. CeraVe SA creme is great for getting rid of bumpy skin and is gentler than an abrasive exfoliant. It takes a couple weeks, but your skins feels great afterwards.

    5. Try the Neutragena Body Clear Body Wash instead of this dreadful loofah plan. It has a bit of salicylic acid and has cleared up bacne in our household. Don’t get an abrasive scrub.

        1. Don’t worry – I really wasn’t going to execute on that plan.

          How do I apply this on my back? Facecloth with some artful contortion? Is there some applicator/loofah-on-a-stick situation that may serve me better? I see plenty on amazon but I’m nervous about buying something too abrasive.

    6. I’d do all of the following – benzoyl peroxide wash for your back AFTER you use your conditioner (panoxyl works), either stridex body pads or panoxyl spray, and never ever wearing sweaty bras/clothing any longer than you have to.

  13. I recently received an aggressive melanoma diagnosis that will require a fairly major surgery and recovery period, including removal of lymph nodes to make sure the cancer hasn’t spread. I won’t know if the surgery got all of the cancer until about a week after the surgery. In the meantime, I’m starting to have to cancel plans and clear my schedule (both personally and at work) for my recovery period and just telling people I’m having foot surgery. On the one hand, I want to tell people what’s going on because the only reason I have a chance at this is because my dermatologist was monitoring the freckle on my foot and caught it early (although maybe not early enough) and I want others to know how serious this is and maybe help someone else. On the other, until I know that the cancer is gone, I feel like people will be awkward around me and wanting to know what will happen next when I really don’t know – I also don’t need people praying for me or some of the other things people say when you have cancer. For those of you who had similar diagnoses, how and when did you choose to tell people in your life? Would you wait until after the surgery and then just tell people more as a PSA about getting checked for skin cancer annually?

    1. For work, I would wait until after the surgery and until the biopsies are complete.

      People are gonna people, which means they are going to project onto you. You don’t need someone who once got a precautionary mole removed to think you’re a drama queen, nor do you need someone freaking out about how you’re going to die because that’s how he lost his sister.

      Strategically, this is important because your return to work will also depend on the biopsy results. Will you be right back with minimal follow-ups needed, or will you be in for chemo?

    2. Wishing you all the best. To answer your question, I’d be honest with people. Not for the reasons you state, but because I’ve always formed better and closer relationships when people know what’s actually going on with me. Will there be a weird reaction? Maybe, but I’d give people a chance to surprise you. And if there is, so what. It will likely be far outnumbered by the positive support you get from others.

      1. +1. I tend to agree with this. Also, I’m wishing you good luck in your treatment. Melanoma is no joke, and early detection is so, so important.

        My dad had melanoma (doing great now!) and it was actually discovered by his dentist, who noticed a suspicious spot on his head and urged him to get it checked out. I am forever grateful to that dentist because my dad’s PCP completely blew it off.

    3. My husband is the one with the terminal diagnosis, but I’ll share anyway – it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can selectively tell certain people certain things, and you don’t have to update everyone, and you can carve out spaces for yourself where people know nothing at all. I might suggest not lying about the procedure but instead being more vague.

    4. I would not tell work anything until you know what the full treatment plan is. As far as other people, pick just those you know you can rely on for health issues.

    5. Wishing you the best, but I would not say you are having foot surgery. As someone who has had 3 foot surgeries, it will just invite people to ask further questions about when you can walk again. You may also get unsolicited advice from others who have had foot/knee surgery as it’s not necessarily uncommon. I’d stick to “I’m having surgery” for work, take the time off that you need, and leave it at that.

    6. In a similar situation I told it but had a chatty and cooperative coworker spread the word that I didn’t want to talk about it.

  14. Has anyone flown from Newark recently? Is it safe? Transportation secretary/MTV alum saying he wouldn’t fly out of there gives me some pause but maybe they fixed the problems?

    2. Yeah all the time. Late in the afternoon early evening in summer it’s often delayed. But that’s just Summer weather

    3. I mean 50,000,000 fly through EWR every year and there hasn’t been a fatal commercial carrier accident there since the 50s. I would like my chances if I were you.

    5. I flew from Newark a few weeks ago. I hated it as an airport, but mostly because I got stuck there for 48 hours & there’s not enough spots to catch a nap, and the airport manages to feel so, so big when you are wandering around trying desperately to find anyone. anyone. from your airline to help you reschedule. There’s tons of delayed & cancelled flights on summer evenings (although when I was there, the weather “seemed” just fine). I guess that probably is a good sign for safety though – they’re cancelling stuff, not just pushing through. There was a clear trend with the budget airlines doing more outright cancelling & the more expensive flights getting their flights out – maybe they pay for priority when there’s a good window?

  15. I’ve been wearing Athleta’s retreat linen pants all summer. Has anyone found a similar cut in office-appropriate pants? I have tried on wide-leg pants for work, but the fabric is a lot stiffer and ends up looking and feeling weird. Particularly since I have muscular thighs, so the fabric goes straight down from the thigh, eliminating the flowiness I get from the Retreat pants. Also, the rise is so much nicer than the high rises I keep finding in work-appropriate fabrics. I might be looking for a unicorn here, but where can I find some office-appropriate wide-leg pants that have a nice flow to them?

    1. Two ideas – the Uniqlo Smart Wide pants and the Halara “breezful” wide leg pants.

    2. If you are okay with pleated, the Gap 365 trouser comes in low rise and high rise. I wear different colors of the high rise version to work multiple times a week, and I always get compliments. The fabric is very flowy and loose, not at all stiff.

  16. Does anyone have a referral for a trusts & estates lawyer in Northern New Jersey to consult on a family matter that may become contentious (but hopefully will not).

  17. I’m mid-40s and don’t date much. When I do date, the men I meet are…not compatible. As in they abuse alcohol, smoke, are drowning in debt despite a well-paid job, or are totally sedentary and 80 pounds overweight with heart issues but in denial about it or still really angry at their ex. I’ve met dozens of men like this over the last decade.

    I met a man that seems like a functional adult. He doesn’t drink or smoke, has a professional job and manages to save, and exercises more than once a month. He even reads books. But he is vegan and strict about it. He hasn’t been to a restaurant in years and brings his own food on vacation.

    Are we not realistically compatible? I like him, but the idea of never sharing a nice meal at home or a restaurant with my partner makes me sad.

    2. Are you willing to become vegan (or very close to it)? It sounds like you aren’t and it sounds like that’s probably what this relationship will requires. But I’d also talk to the guy about that! My BIL is vegan for ethical reasons and is uncomfortable letting animal products enter his home. My sister was vegetarian when they met and now is vegan. Works for them, great for them, not for me.

    3. He seems perfect, but I’m a plant eater too. Is there a reason you’re opposed to it? Would you consider looking into his belief system and moral framework?

      Do you live in a small city without restaurant options?

      1. Eating what you want is different from not eating in restaurants and bringing food on vacations. Vegan is not at all the issue here. But wanting to be able to travel and eat out with your partner easily is not unreasonable.

        2. Restaurants really don’t reliably respect food restrictions, as allergy and Celiac patients know.

      2. Did you read the post? He won’t eat on restaurants and brings his own food on vacation. Who knows or cares if her city has vegan restaurants, he clearly isn’t going to any effort whatsoever to make eating in one possible. (Even if their city doesn’t he could plan vacations to places that have vegan food!)

    4. I would be concerned not so much about the veganism itself but about the kind of extremist mindset that would take it that far. It is certainly possible for vegans to eat in restaurants. I’d be concerned either that he is extremely rigid in his thinking or that the veganism is cover for an eating disorder.

      2. I will say as a long term vegan eating at Omni restaurants is risky business, I’ve had two meals this calendar year be covertly made with dairy and I ended up very sick.

          1. I haven’t given up on restaurants but I have given up omni ones. Since incident #2 I’ve only gone to vegan restaurants. Which is a decision I can make because I live in a major city.

    5. Does your area not have vegan restaurants? I’m a complete omnivore but there are some nice vegan restaurants I would be happy to eat just because. If you really like this guy, eating at vegan restaurants seems like a small ask.

      The more important question to me is: is he a good cook? Because if he never wants to eat out, then he needs to carry more of the cooking and meal-planning burden for you.

      1. If he hasn’t been to a restaurant in years is he even willing to go to vegan restaurants?

    6. Why can’t he eat at vegan or vegan friendly restaurants? Do you live in a major metro area? In our major metro area (Philly) there are tons of vegan or vegan friendly restaurants, both upscale and dive type places. Vacation is harder, but as long as you plan in advance, you can find vegan restaurants (e.g. we went to one in Paris and London, might be harder in some parts of the world but not impossible by any means).

      I would ask him those questions and assuming he’s open to eating at places where he can get something tasty, I wouldn’t give up on him.

    7. you got to decide what your willing to put up with. For me this would be problematic because i love to eat out but maybe it’s not an issue for you. Similarly i am currently overlooking that my beau is overweight because he ticks a lot of boxes. Only you can decide whether this is a big deal.

      1. I am a life-long vegetarian who is serious about it. And this would be a deal killer for me. I do eat in, what’s above called omni restaurants – a term I’ve never heard – and I accept whatever risk that there may be cross- contamination (which I can do because this is a dietary preference and not a food allergy). If he just preferred to not go out to eat, I could work around that and go out when I wanted to for meals we didn’t have together. But a complete refusal has big trickle down effects, particularly if you like to travel beyond where he can carry his own food or for a longer duration than he can do so or if you like to have meals with friends or family either at their houses or at restaurants. Further, really looking down the pipeline, at some point, someone may be hospitalized and you’re stuck with hospital food or, even more extreme, have to live in a nursing facility – what then?
        Even if he is vegan as a medical necessity, which I’ve not heard of but won’t rule out, this would be a deal breaker for me. And it absolutely would be if this is a preference.

        1. But vegetarianism isn’t a moral philosophy. You’re comparing apples to oranges. You also have the appropriate stomach enzymes to digest dairy/eggs without getting sick

        2. What do you think people with food allergies do when they’re stuck with hospital food or have to live in a nursing facility?

      3. Wrong. We shouldn’t have to lower our standards to find an acceptable romantic partner.

      5. Sounds like you are a pill. She has every right to select a partner that she is compatible with. If this isn’t something she can live with, she’d damage herself and him.

      7. Where did OP say that she was seeking perfection? Work on your reading comprehension or maybe just stick to TikTok.

      8. That’s what I thought, too. No one is perfect, divorce is expensive, and sometimes ex’s are really awful awful people.

      9. I thought that the OP needs to fish in better waters.

        There’s a small chance that there is something so truly off-putting about her that she has a hard time attracting a reasonable guy. Her friends can tell her that.

    9. I’ve had this issue too. I like to travel and trying food is an important part of travel for me. I also like trying out new restaurants. Guys who don’t want to do either of those things would be a damper for me. I don’t mind if someone is vegan or vegetarian because I don’t see how it prevents either of those things. My main issue is that they should also let me eat what I eat. I once went to a ramen restaurant on a date and he was judging the healthiness of the food.

      1. There are only vegan restaurants in major cities and OP doesn’t say where she lives.

        2. Taco Bell has options that can easily be made vegan, so no, it’s not as hard as it sounds. There is almost always something a step up from TB. I’m not vegan, but have had many friends who are and finding options when eating out, or good recipes when cooking has never been the ordeal people here make it out to be.

          1. Having a partner you can lament with about obnoxious carnist ideologies and meat centric culture is nice. I’ll eat taco bell with friends but that’s not a sacrifice I’d make with a partner.

          1. I’ve been to 20 countries and 30+ states. Falafel was considered exotic in North Carolina.

          2. Thankful that falafel is no longer considered exotic in Carolina; I can think of favorite places in four different cities and I would be surprised if I couldn’t find one in Charlotte.

      2. We live in a semi-rural area. There is one vegan restaurant in the area that I know of and the food is barely edible.

        I eat plenty of salads and vegan staples (tofu, quinoa, nuts) but I am an omnivore that is passionate about food. Maybe this isn’t the guy for me.

        1. To me the issue is not that he’s vegan, but that he won’t even go to restaurants and has to bring his own food on vacation (!!). Is he super militant about other things? Does he struggle with OCD? Would he force you to accommodate him all the time? Those would be dealbreakers for me.

        2. I’m not even that passionate about food, but this might well be a dealbreaker for me. I love to cook and eat and travel and if somebody couldn’t share that and was looking down his nose at it? Yikes. Don’t think we would be a match.

        3. Not what you asked: why not move? You’re in your 40s, single, and even if you have family there or a job there, you can get a job somewhere else and you can return to visit your family.

          The dating pool you describe sounds very rural: too much alcohol, not enough exercise.

    11. I had a colleague who was a “gluten-free vegan.” We would go to great lengths to identify restaurants that could accommodate her diet during business travel, and she’d still bring her own food. The real deal was that she had an eating disorder and would only consume kale, beets, and black coffee.

      1. I wondered if he’s just hiding an eating disorder under the guise of healthy eating.

      2. I’ve seen this too. Most vegans in my life really appreciate effort made so they can eat with a group. They’ll light up if you suggested a vegan restaurant or make a vegan dinner. People with eating disorders make everything impossible.

        1. It’s different with friends than it is with a partner. I’ll eat a subpar vegan option with friends and be grateful to be included, I won’t with a partner.

          1. Never? I understand that a partner is every day, but should not a partner occasionally be able to have a great meal even if your particular meal is meh? I value my friends yet I am not getting the logic here.

          2. Never! But finding a partner I aligned with morally was important to me. No person I’d date would consider a meal ‘great’ if it involved harming animals.

          3. Well then it seems like you wouldn’t date a non-vegan. Interestingly he seems like he’s open to dating a non vegan. Which seems odd.

      3. I have long said that unless you have celiac’s, gluten-free vegan is an eating disorder.

        Yes, a handful of restaurants have some items on their menu that are gluten free and vegan, eg, some Thai and Indian dishes. Usually, though, it’s an excuse to avoid so much food that something else is going on.

        1. Only a small minority of people who have Celiac have been diagnosed, so it’s hard to sort out what’s going on. Definitely undiagnosed significant GI conditions can contribute to odd patterns of food avoidance.

    12. I think this depends on how much sharing meals at home and in restaurants matters to you and how much you (and to some extent he) are willing to compromise to do that. Are you willing to eat vegan for some fraction of your meals? Is he willing to eat at vegan restaurants? As a long time vegetarian who is currently mostly, but not entirely vegan, a lot of those exceptions come when I eat out because it’s still quite hard to find decent vegan food at restaurants in most places. Even most vegan restaurants serve mostly highly processed fake meat and dairy, which I don’t want to eat regularly (I’m glad Impossible/Beyond exist, but I don’t want to eat something that actually tastes like meat). But if eating in a restaurant really matters to you, it would probably help if he’s more okay with that (or if you live in a place that has other good vegan options he’s willing to consider).

    13. You are allowed to decide what is and is not a deal breaker for you.

      For me? Absolute dealbreaker. I derive joy from many things, but among them is someone sharing an absolutely kick butt dinner out at a restaurant. I also echo the concern I would have in the extremism of his position. Maybe there’s some understanding you can seek out first – I think I would – but it would almost certainly be a dealbreaker for me.

      2. +1. Unless you live in a small town with nothing but hamburger joints never eating out is a choice, not a necessity. There are so many fast casual restaurants and ethnic cuisines that have vegan options. I say this as someone with medical dietary restrictions.

        It’s one thing if he decided not to dine out solo but will go to a restaurant with other people. If he has a blanket rule that he refuses to budge on…this guy is stubborn for the sake of being stubborn. Hard pass.

      3. +1. I would make some concessions to a good guy’s diet, but not being able to go to restaurants ever would be a no for me.

    14. I would absolutely date a person who is vegan. I have dated a lovely person who is vegan and have several vegan friends. I’ve found excellent restaurants and really upped my cooking game as a result of knowing them. I would not date a person with an active eating disorder, which it sounds like this man has.

    15. Your standards are way too low. No, this will not work unless you’re willing to adopt that lifestyle. Keep looking, your choices are not the men you described before this guy and an extreme vegan.

      1. I tend to agree. The semi-rural area you live in is an important fact you left out; you need to expand your geographic pool in order to find someone compatible.

      2. How are my standards too low? Men don’t advertise these qualities in their profile. If the profile seems interesting, I will meet them. If the first date seems ok, I will do a 2nd date.

        If I got particular about education, height, interests, there would be nobody left for me to meet – ever.

        1. You should be particular about education and interests. That’s what I mean by your standards are too low. If you’re going to judge people’s weight and height, then factor that in too. Why waste your time? That your even considering this vegan dude is bonkers low standards.

    17. I think if he were really the one, you wouldn’t mind this.

      I honestly had no idea how many medical conditions are treated with restricted diets until people in my life started to get diagnosed with them. It can happen to anyone.

    18. This guy sounds like the epitome of “the odds are good, but the goods are odd.”

      1. Considering there are way more female vegans and male, it’s probably not that hard to date for him.

    19. I’m kind of curious what he thinks about you. Have you guys talked a lot about his reasons etc.

    20. I am just curious – does he never fly anywhere? Because there is only so much food you could bring through flying.

    21. Try it and see how it goes! You both have to be willing to compromise and fine something that works for you. This goes for any relationship. Are you willing to eat at home more? Is he willing to try vegan or vegetarian friendly restaurants? There can be a middle ground here if both parties are open to it.

    22. What does it mean that he’s strict about it? Does he berate other people’s choices, look down on other ways of eating, moralize, fight, proselytize or in other ways behave like a d***?

      Does he accept that you are not vegan? Would you be able to share a fridge or a kitchen? Mealtimes? If he wouldn’t accept a shared meal where your plate had some animal-based elements, I think this would be a miserable relationship.

      It is absolutely possible to share a lovely vegan meal at home, but if the only shared food can be on his terms, that would be a big red flag for me. If he proselytizes, I would call it quits immediately.

    23. Just as a data point, when I met my now husband he was doing vegan keto (basically huge piles of spinach every day) and was *rail* thin because of it. He’s now an omnivore, although neither one of us is a huge meat eater as a rule.
      It’s possible he could change!

  18. Any Santa Monica hotel reservations? Traveling with kids and they want to be near the pier. TIA!

    1. It depends on budget — but I’ve stayed at the Hilton Santa Monica Hotel & Suites with kids, and it’s fine. Not luxurious but affordable and nice enough. It’s about a 10 minute walk to the pier, and if you’re renting a car, you can avoid the exorbitant valet fees and park across the street in a convenient lot. The breakfast was a hit with my kids, and there are restaurants in walking distance, as well as the mall.

    2. Definitely depends on budget. Shutters is great, but on the higher end. The Regent (formerly Lowes) is also nice. The Georgian is not too far from the pier and probably a bit cheaper.

      1. The Georgian is quite expensive after a fairly recent remodel and not, in my view, worth it. Next time
        I’m going to Shutters.

    4. Just a warning, I felt extremely unsafe in and around the pier. The Sunday we left, a man was badly wounded in a k nife a ttack. I travel all over the world. I am not a nervous traveler. But the number of mentally ill, homeless men doing d rugs and acting menacingly around the pier made me feel so unsafe with the children.

      1. As a counterpoint to this, we were recently there with our toddler and felt fine. Sure, there are homeless people and I would not wander around in the middle of the night, but we were fine during the day and walked home after dinner with no issues.

    5. The Georgian was pretty nice, but they gave us a terrible room for some reason – my relatives paid the same and had a much nicer room, and it kind of ruined the experience for me. We have also stayed at the Viceroy and had a pretty good experience. And sure, Shutters if it’s in the budget (but it’s a lot).

      1. It used to be my fave but my last stay really soured me on the Georgian.

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