Coffee Break: A-Flexa Amaya Flats
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Large toe decorations can be hit or miss, but I think these Franco Sarto flats might just be a hit.
I In general I've always found Franco Sarto to be comfortable shoes, and these are described as being “unbeliably flexible women's ballet flats” — nice. I like the modern vibe to them with the square toe and “artful adornment” on the toe.
The shoe was originally $140, but is now marked 35%-47% off to $74-$91. Lots of sizes are left in the black and white versions, with lucky sizes left in the beige.
Sales of note for 8/1/25
- Nordstrom – The Anniversary Sale is open for everyone — here's our roundup! (ends 8/3)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off wear-now styles + $50 off dresses and shoes + extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – Up to 60% off plus extra 10% off sale — final reductions
- Eloquii – $19+ select styles + extra 45% off all sale
- Evereve – Sale on sale (thru Sunday)
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off summer styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew Factory – 60% off everything and extra 60% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – 25% off all previous flash sale items! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Rothy's – Final Few: up to 50% off
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – 40% off one item + 25% off your entire purchase + extra 50% markdowns on top of that
I recently switched from a full-time in-person job (healthcare, no WFH during the pandemic) to a role with 3 days at home 2 days in office. I am about to finish my training period (which has been 1 day at home 4 days in office) and I am having a really hard time staying productive/adjusting to being at home. I have no real home office, I do have a guest bedroom with a desk in the corner and I can spend some time this weekend sprucing that up. Any help or suggestions appreciated. I get distracted, bored, it’s too quiet, I pivot to laundry or dusting or just adding things to my to-do list for when I am in the office – that will not work full-time/long-term. I feel like all my friends worked out the WFH issues in 2020 and I am five years behind. Any help/tricks/items to buy/etc. appreciated!!
I wouldn’t worry about it. The work hasn’t really started to pile up if you’re still finishing your training period. This will take care of itself.
You will get good recommendations from others on how to optimize your work space, get into a daily routine that seems like “going to work”, maybe take a walk around the block/get coffee/etc right before you start working to mark the beginning of your day, and .
For one of my relatives, it just wasn’t a good fit and he had too many distractions. In the end, he went into work a bit more, and instead of working at home, worked in a co-work space. His union actually had such a space that was subsidized – he lived in Brooklyn.
I’ve always worked in person in the hospital, and could never be productive at home. In fact, working at home really made me restless and depressed, and made me feel like my home was no longer my home / sacred space. I was also living in an apartment at that time.
+1 million to your last paragraph. I work from home one day a week, and that’s enough to give me some scheduling flexibility without making it feel like my sacred space has been invaded by work. Even so, I feel cagey and restless at the end of the work day.
Do you have to WFH those three days? Some people do go in more because they like it, you can if you want!
This. Unless there’s no room for you, just go into the office. It’s better for your career anyway.
CBT or an executive functioning coach to help with your focus skills.
– Specific work space that you don’t use for anything else. If that’s not possible, something like putting a tablecloth over it when you’re done to mark the difference.
– A specific opening and closing ritual (making coffee, 10 minute walk as a “commute”, whatever) to mark the difference
– Get dressed properly in the morning. Doesn’t have to be hard pants, but it can’t be pajamas and should be something you’d go outside wearing.
i think for most people WFH is a perk… can’t you just go in every day unless, say, the plumber is scheduled? I am increasingly a big believer that most things we do should be reasonably easy… no reason to train yourself to work from home if you just don’t want to.
+1 This. I worked from home for 3 years and never really got used to it. It’s way too much alone time for me (I live alone). I have a congenial office set up and short commute, so I opt to go to the office.
I would first create a real home office.
Like others have said, work will increase, but that’s probably an issue in the office too. You are likely spending no more time being productive in the office than at home. When you’re in the office, make note of every time you get up from your desk, stand around talking to a coworker about life, open a browser to read this blog, etc. Add that all up and you probably have the same amount of time you’re spending on housework while working at home. That’s the perk. You’re just perceiving it as less productive when it’s not.
Other things that work for me are going to the gym either right before or right after work and taking a lunch break. I’ve been home for 5 years and love it.
Totally agree!
Working remotely, I avoid the 30-40 minutes (each way) commuting, so I can prepare ingredients for lunch or dinner with that time. Or I can just go for a run during my lunch break and check emails at my desk or enter some time while I cool down without worrying that co-workers will see sweaty post-run me. If I want to stand up and move around, I can run the dishwasher or a load of laundry, but before I would have all that waiting for me when I got home from the office.
Heavy topic for a Monday afternoon….
3 years ago I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer at age 45. I underwent a lot of intense treatment (chemo/radiation/surgery) and it looks like I am probably cured, but still being monitored for a few more years.
Around the same time, my first cousin was diagnosed with the same cancer and same stage at 42, despite having no genetic component. She did some of the treatment, but not all (the reasons why don’t matter terribly much at this point). I hadn’t been close to her before the diagnosis but we got to know each other well the last few years due do our shared experiences. Her first grandchild was born 2 weeks ago. She met the baby but is very weak and likely will pass within days.
I am really struggling to get my head around this. Between the tragedy of her outcome vs where it looks like I’ve probably landed. And I am at work like its any normal Monday.
Not sure what I am looking for… virtual hugs?
I am so sorry. That is heavy stuff, and of course you’re having feelings about it.
A hug from this internet stranger. This is very, very complex and difficult. I offer you grace and kindness from here.
I’m so sorry — it’s definitely heavy stuff. Grief is really hard. Don’t let people make you feel bad about it when you see family.
All the virtual hugs.
Sending all the virtual hugs. Scream into the void if you need to, go to church and light a candle, or do both or everything in between. Feel all your feelings, all the big feelings, all the unprocessed feelings, even all the selfish feelings.
I am so sincerely sorry. You’ve been through so much, and I have deep sympathy for your situation and your cousin’s. I strongly recommend considering therapy to help you manage the complex feelings you will have around all of these events.
So many virtual hugs to you and to her and her family.
FWIW from what I’ve seen as a non-cancer-haver… the treatments can be similar and the team can be equally skilled, but so much of cancer survival or recurrence is kind of “luck of the draw” or stuff that a person can’t control. I’m not talking about microplastics or living near electrical wires or even “genes”… just, no one has any idea yet how to control it 100%.
A person could do all the treatments and still get reoccurrence or do the treatments and have terrible side effects that cause other issues. I’m sure you know – the chemo can cause problems, too. It’s so so terrible and natural to feel all the feelings (I don’t want to assume you feel guilty) about surviving longer or having easier treatments or a better response or prognosis. There is just only so much a person and people can control.
I’m so so sorry for both of you – it must be tough.
I think you are right. There is so much we don’t know still.
I’m so sorry. It must be bewildering to go through such a complicated loss. I am an internet stranger giving you blanket permission to phone it in at work today (and for a while), if that’s what you need.
I’ve worked in palliative care for many years, and one of our truisms is that every time someone experiences a loss, their old traumas come back up to the surface. It would make sense if, as you prepare to say goodbye to your cousin, your own cancer experience feels “louder” for a while, possibly amplified by sadness, survivors’ guilt, and all of the other contradictory feelings that come along with deep experiences. I don’t know if you are part of any cancer survivor groups, but I wonder if that might be helpful here? There might be things that are hard to say out loud to a general audience, but easily understood by people with that shared experience.
I hope that doesn’t come across as too presumptuous. If so, please ignore and know that I’m sending you support and all the virtual hugs.
Thanks. I had disengaged with my support groups but I will see if I can get in touch again.
If what you need is permission for self-care for what would understandably be significant survivors’ guilt, then this internet stranger says do it. Take whatever time you need to care for you. That is a real burden. It’s also probably mixed with anticipatory grief. A lot of what ifs. Be selfish with your time and care for yourself however you need to get through this. You don’t have to punish yourself for surviving.
I’m so sorry that you’re both going through this. Life can be so cruel sometimes and give you things over which none of us have any control. Completely understandable that you would have big feelings about this, and give yourself space for them. I’m thinking of you.
This sounds so hard. Others have given you good advice. Take care of yourself. As others have said, grief can be expressed in all kinds of unexpected ways. Extend grace to everyone involved, including you. If you think your cousin would welcome your presence (some people want very few people around them) and support, tell her you love her or do whatever fits into the way you and your family handle these deep moments. Or help her immediate family/closest friends by bringing food, picking up visitors at the airport/train station, whatever. Wishing all of you peace.
I am so sorry. This is sad and intense even though (fingers crossed for you!) it’s wrapped in a good outcome for your situation. Seems totally normal and compassionate and appropriate that you feel sad and struggle to make this make sense.
I’ve just discovered a great bra for $24 and wanted to share. If any of you have a bosom that sits wide of your body that you like pulled in (in my case, I have an east-west bosom that I like pulled in within the lines of my ribcage), this bra is for you. I’ve had it for 3 months – it washes up great and gets more comfortable with every wash.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D96HV83M
It looks a bit itchy, did you have issues with that?
Random question for today: what kinds of ornaments do you put on your tree at Xmas time? Just saw some “holiday keepsake” ornaments on sale at auction and now it’s in my thoughts. On our tree we have –
– a few of the many, many Hallmark keepsake series ornaments my grandmothers and mother bought me (like penquins ice skating in a different scene every year)
– sillier ornaments from my childhood or my husband’s, like Star Trek ornaments or a few crafty-ornaments from elementary school
– a lot of “shatterproof” solid ornaments that we bought when we got our very first christmas tree as a married couple when we still lived far from family – something about the repetition makes the tree look more cohesive
– a very few “Special Ornaments” that were either very expensive, artsy things or souvenirs from vacations and trips
Same. Some that traveled from childhood, some that came as gifts and from travels, and some that came from target. It’s a mix 😊
Similar to you. My parents gave me “my” ornaments when I graduated from college, which were some of my own crafts from elementary school, souvenirs my grandparents had gotten us from their travels, plus all of the Hallmark “Nostalgic Houses and Shops” collection (22 of them). It started the year I was born and my parents figured that at some point Hallmark would discontinue the series. 40+ years later, they are STILL going. My mom gets me the new one every year as a stocking stuffer. I now display most of them on bookshelves rather than the tree during the season! Little did they know they would happen to choose the Mousetrap equivalent of ornament series for me.
Since then we’ve added vacation souvenirs and other memorable ones of our own. I love the mix of sentimental and soft, new and shiny.
I have been collecting one certain Hallmark series since my daughter was born in 1986, and at this point they have their own little tree!
We have multiple trees (weird things happened during COVID). One tree is primarily fancy ornaments – I love a blown glass ornament, plus a combination of ones gifted to me. Non-super sentimental gifted ornaments go in a less prominent spot – it’s a 12 ft tree so there is a lot of square footage. Second tree is all felted silly ornaments. Third tree is in progress, and will likely be dominated by framed picture ornaments.
This is basically what we have. It’s about 65% basic ornaments and 35% special/themed/sentimental/weird. Too many of the latter and the clutter stresses me out,
We have 3 trees.
Tree 1: Nostalgia. It has all my childhood ornaments (ones I made, ones we used on the tree when I was a child), faux cranberry garland, and a festive banner.
Tree 2: Stylized, largest tree. It has shatter proof orbs in curated colors, and a few special ornaments in the theme of that tree.
Tree 3: Woodland tree. We continuously buy new ornaments in this theme for this tree.
Do you change the colors to fit different themes each year? Like all silver/gold, blue and white, pink and lime green, classic red and green?
If so, how do you store all of it?
Our tree is mostly random childhood ornaments that still survive, with a few completely mismatched shatterproof orb sets thrown in to fill the voids. It looks like a kitsch factory exploded in our living room.
+1 – ornaments that my son and I picked out over the years (a LOT of Grinch and Buddy the Elf) plus some shatterproof ornaments for the bottom of the tree. Because cats.
It’s not an instagram friendly tree but it’s very personal and that’s our preference over an aesthetic.
About the same. We have our childhood ornaments from our families (we put up a couple each), a few glass balls from the single years, and mostly special ornaments bought as souvenirs every time we travel. I have a bunch of Hallmark Barbie ornaments, but I don’t hang them (don’t tell my mom I wasn’t into them even in high school).
I am a Scrooge and generally don’t have a tree. Last year my BF said he really wanted a tree in my house so I got a tiny one, bought matchy-match ornaments, and threw everything away at the New Year. I know I am going to feel great angst when my mother passes away and I am left with a box of delicate ornaments to which certain family members have had sentimental attachment that I will really just want to throw away without even looking through it.
Just give them to your relatives. You don’t have to spend time on this, but don’t throw away things that have meaning to other people. Maybe they can do clear out on your behalf before the estate agents come.
Lolol. It will only be my sister and the idea that she will help is hilarious. But she will have “feelings” about the ornaments.
Then ship her the box of ornaments
Can your mom just give them to her now?
I mean, just give them to her?
Doing anything other than just giving them to your sister seems pretty mean.
The effort of wrapping them in a way that they would survive being shipped across the country is not something I want to do. Maybe I will feel that charitable at the time and set aside a day to do that after handling the estate and cleaning out the rest of the house and selling a car and organizing a memorial and contacting friends and family and managing my sister’s feelings and maybe I won’t.
Just put them aside and if/when you see her, you can give them to her.
Not-so-fun fact: When I cleaned out my parents’ house after they went to assisted living, I was SO MAD that it all fell on my shoulders that I ended up throwing out a lot of stuff that, upon reflection, I wish I had just sat on for a while until I calmed down. Don’t be me.
Why can’t you give them to the family members who want them?!
Before my kid was born, my husband didn’t care so it was themed based solely on my own whimsy. Now it’s my theme + whatever my kid makes. We’re not a hugely sentimental ornament family, even the “baby’s 1st christmas” ones we don’t really put up, but I do remember how fun it was to put the family ornaments up when I was a kid, so we’ll probably do more of those for the next few years.
A ton of matching shatterproof basics. Then I layer coordinating but more fancy ornaments on top. I try not to have special or sentimental ornaments because it feels inevitable they’ll break and people will be sad. I should add that I have a tree trimming party most years. Kids and people sipping champagne shouldn’t be unwrapping delicate heirlooms, you know?
I like to buy four to ten “fun” matching new ones each year. The tree looks consistent and if one breaks it’s fine.
Better to have loved and lost?..
Good point! Perhaps I’ve also ceded some sentimentality to the fact I’m sharing the decorating with friends. I’m not sure who is unwrapping what. But it is a fun party!
Nearly all special sentimental ornaments. Some from travels, many from my mother, and some I just buy myself
we are a multi tree house! it brings me a lot of joy in the cold, dark upper midwest!
main living room – aesthetic themed tree (all metallics, ribbon, mix of balls & shapes)
second living space – sentimental tree. (DH & I have our childhood ornaments, things from trips, — everything from homemade to high end crystal)
bedroom – small aesthetic tree (currently red, white, pink, candy cane)
After our parents gave us our childhood ornaments they’d been keeping for decades, we have so many ornaments that they don’t all make it on the tree. So these usually make it: 1) particularly favorite childhood ornaments, 2) sterling silver snowflakes my parents give me each year, 3) Hallmark ornaments from my MIL (she has DH and I each pick one out of the catalog), and 4) ornaments we’ve gotten on our travels. We no longer buy ornaments as souvenirs since we have too many. I also have some fragile ornaments that get displayed in a case at Christmas time (margaret furlong angels), because cats. If I had space for multiple trees, I would. I love Christmas trees (live ones only for me).
I have my grandmother’s Polish glass ornaments from the 1940s and 1950s. I also have some ornaments that she made – she was really into crafting in the 70s. I also have ornaments that I bought on my travels, and ornaments that are specific to dog breeds I have owned over the years.
Family ornaments combined with ornaments I’ve purchased on trips or for whatever reason. I don’t personally like color coordinated theme trees.
We have a combination of new ornaments (husband, kid, and I each get one each year in our stocking), vintage mid-century glass ornaments, and fun/sentimental ones (e.g. a couple of years ago we got metal outlines of all the states we have lived in). Our kid is about to graduate college next spring and has already staked a claim on some that are sentimental to them that they plan on taking with them. We probably have enough for two trees, though we have never had room for them.
I have a lot of vintage ornaments but don’t put many on because of my kids. It’s mostly a mix of keepsakes, blown glass ornaments from my mil, some brass ones I inherited from an aunt, and dried oranges, which I bake and add twine to for hanging.
I have some of my childhood ornaments (my mom bought me and my siblings an ornament every year.) I also buy my own kids an ornament every year so we have all of theirs. When my husband and I had our first Christmas tree we bought a big box of jewel-toned glass balls, but we don’t use those anymore. My MIL is also really into Christmas decorating so we have some of hers. BUT we now have 3 cats and so we do not put any breakable ornaments on our tree. Since we stopped putting up our breakable ones (which includes some of my very favorite ones like my kids’ first Christmas ornaments, one someone gave us for our wedding, and some from our vacations) I now make a point to buy a non-breakable ornament whenever we travel. It has become a fun tradition to look for on vacation and then to put on the tree every year.
We have some blown glass ornaments in various sizes that provide a consistent color base each year, and have ended up with a couple of overlapping themes with the rest of the ornaments: winter wonderland with snowflakes and some blue ornaments or forest creatures with some birds and some red ornaments. It doesn’t take many ornaments to really change the character of the tree.
Oo I love this question!
I’m just a few years into having a full size tree and a larger decor budget so I’m still building up my ‘stash’ but I have a general theme (Mid-Century Modern Nordic bright/folk) so it’s a lot of embroidered/sequin items, red/white ceramic Nordic-inspired animals/woodland, and mid-century bright/playful designs. Target had a “toyland Christmas” theme a couple years ago where I got several sets of perfect on-theme ornaments and decor.
Every year since I got together with my husband I buy an “us” ornament, I try to find a set of two that goes together. Those and souvenir ornaments are the only real “special” ornaments so far.
Agree that the busy period probably hasn’t launched yet – also you might try taking your laptop and going somewhere else to work, even if it isn’t the office — a local library or coffee shop with free wifi, etc.
Wait, do we like this shoe?! I am short and wear flats and a lot of black and white and would try not to wear something like this – to me it draws the eye down, making me shorter and the bubble looks like a kid drew it thinking of “fashion”. To me this is a miss – anyone else or I am I missing something?
It’s hideous, IMHO. Looks like one of those domed driveway mirrors for blind corners, only for skirts instead of traffic.
Designed by a man, for sure!
Oh no! Now it’s like a creepy mirror for under skirts! Yikes. I did like the shape personally.
Yeah when my mom was growing up Very Catholic, she was taught not to wear shiny patent shoes and not step over puddles for this reason.
I came here just to say that! These shoes are a marvelous opportunity for people to look up your skirt, or someone else’s, depending on the angle.
I also question the sentience of the photographers that saw a perfect reflection of the inside of their e-commerce photo robot and said, “huh. OK. Next shoe.”
I don’t. You can tell in the product photos better that the attachment is a curved mirror…. no thank you.
Does this create an up-skirt moment? I can’t imagine who thought this was a good idea.
Feels very dated to me. So dated, I can’t remember when they were last in style. A decade ago – 2015? But heck, fashion’s weird these days, maybe it’s in style after all!
No, I do not like this shoe. I like some toe decorations but not this one, and I dislike the overall shape of this shoe. Frankly I don’t like shoes without at least a 1/2 in heel, but this one is particularly unappealing to me.
No, but you never know what people will gravitate towards.
Over time, I have learned that Kat and I have radically different taste in shoes. But the posts must get enough clicks to make them worthwhile?
THIS. She often will say a shoe is gorgeous and I have the gut-opposite reaction.
Perhaps because I am a Size 12, and she’s tiny. Shoes that look cute on little feet do not often look cute on big feet.
–BIGFOOT/TALL GIRL
I’m also a Bigfoot (Size 13). I haven’t clicked to see if this shoe comes in a 13, but that orb would guarantee that people would look at my feet. No thanks!
Same. My taste in shoes could not be more different.
Same. The shoes here are always about a decade out of date.
I don’t understand the bubble. Just, why? What is that adding?
I couldn’t figure out what it was! A misprint? Something from Star Wars? A helmet? I had to click on the link to figure it out!
Maybe you can fill it with water and put a guppy in there?
Nope. Would not wear.
They’re hideous.
I can’t not see bug eyes when I look at these shoes. Like a mosquito’s rounded eyes? Anyone else?
It’s for when you want people to stare into the eyes the feet… and laugh at your taste in your shoes.
(Joke is about personifying “defeat” like “the eyes of defeat”)
hahaha!
I immediately thought of the Cloud Gate sculpture in Chicago, better known as “the Bean.”
Anyone have a sectional they love? We are moving to a house that can fit one after years in a tiny apartment. But we have two toddlers and a dog, so stain resistance is clutch. We had a Room and Board couch for years and loved it, but that may be spendy given the whole toddler thing.
My sister swears by this one: https://www.raymourflanigan.com/living-rooms/sectional-sofas/foresthill-4-pc-sectional-w-right-arm-facing-chaise-292292744?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GSH_PLA_Catch+All&utm_term=&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=4&gad_campaignid=10478484456&gbraid=0AAAAADr4-Yq9gpx0dQ9hoXZPnli1h7SnG&gclid=Cj0KCQjwtMHEBhC-ARIsABua5iRc2rWcaPciUEAGIlH7SZH3lqx1wAzWRjPwEI-oQZD3Jz-elX84J20aAs6yEALw_wcB
we got this one for a second living space and have been really happy with it considering the price — i think they come in bigger configurations if you want that. we don’t use the pillows it came with.
https://www.ashleyfurniture.com/on/demandware.store/Sites-Ashley-US-Site/default/Product-Variation?pid=APK-16601-L2&srsltid=AfmBOopnd4q4aZTB6WGANqLCsg-Tsp0XtB_7DBG5eYkm3XjDGYArEw_K
Macy’s Radford/Radley. The cushion covers are removable, super-easy to wash. Budget-friendly, holds up well, can be configured multiple ways, depending on which sectional size you buy. I’ve bought this couch three times (due to cross-country moves, not because I needed a new one) in the past twelve years. I love it that much. Also, they have stock colors that ship fast, and non-stock that take a little longer.
Apt2b! You can customize the size and pick the fabric (we also have a toddler and a dog so getting a performance fabric was key). I also like that they’re made in the USA and ship relatively quickly.
I got this one for two dogs and loads of dog fosters and love it so much: https://www.interiordefine.com/living/all-custom-sectionals/custom-chaise-sectionals/lee-4-seat-left-storage-chaise-sectional?material-type=627110&options-22637=626949&options-22638=626956&options-22639=627110&options-22640=627120&options-22641=627122&options-22642=627124&options-22643=627125&options-22644=627127&sku=LEE.FABRIC.SECT.CSLEFT.4SEAT.CHAISELENGTH-65.CHAISEWIDTH-40.CUSHION-2.DC-03.DEPTH-41.LENGTH-138.NOSTO.SE-172
Fwiw, my 15+ year old room and board sofa still cleans up great. No pets but I do have messy children who have spilled a lot onto it
I think the fabric I have on it is the View.
I have a wonderful husband, but I have been recently getting so nostalgic for the excitement and chaos of being single. I received a tremendous amount of attention when I was single, and was always falling head over heels for different people and then moving onto the next after a month or two. I miss the thrill of gardening with new people, though in hindsight, most of the gardening was not very good. But there are at least one or two that were ‘wow’ and I miss the feeling of chasing that.
Please tell me there is no there there when it comes to breaking up with my wonderful partner in my late twenties to be single and chase flings. I know I am way happier now than I was then, but I have a slight desire to blow up my life and go back to it.
This seems like a great issue to take to therapy
You know the answer, or you wouldn’t be posting here asking us to confirm it for you!
I’d suggest taking a strong look at what’s causing this restlessness. Is it merely boredom? A wistfulness for having some fun? Did you get hooked on adrenaline somewhere? Is your worth/value tied into being chased / wanted? Do you distrust a settled, non-dramatic life and want to blow it up before it blows up on you? It could be any or none of this. There are a hundred other things that could be going on. Some are mundane and just require tolerating some dissatisfaction for a few weeks. Others are serious and might be worthy of taking into therapy.
I think this is just a side effect of being married and monogamous. You have a bond with a wonderful partner. That’s the tradeoff.
If you divorce your partner, you won’t have them in your life in the same way again. The trust you built together will be gone. You will also have a divorce and the financial and emotional toll of that to deal with, as well as having broken your husband’s heart.
You can still have new experiences together. You can have thrills. You can’t unbreak a loved one’s heart.
Dear god no this is why people read romance novels
I get this sometimes, too. I would never, ever act on it, though. Don’t know if this would work for you, but I kinda lean into it in terms of enjoying the fantasy while recognizing that it is pure fantasy, in the way that I enjoy, say, watching a romantic comedy or any movie starring beautiful people in enviable settings. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing, you just need to recognize it for what it is. See if you can make it work for you, not against you.
Another thing that helps me is to look at myself in the mirror first thing in the morning, when my face is puffy, haven’t brushed my hair/teeth, generally looking like the dog’s breakfast, and remind myself that my husband loves and accepts all of me, whereas those fantasy flings were superficial and predicated on looks or chemistry alone.
Definitely no “there” there.
You are viewing single life through rose colored glasses and fixating on just the “good” parts because it’s a fantasy. Fantasy is fun, and part of the reason for that is because it is safe. There’s no downsides, and you can fill in the blanks with whatever you want. But fantasy isn’t reality.
I get it, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and miss the things you described sometimes as well. Dunno how long you’ve been with your husband, but things are *bleak* out there, from what I hear and based on my experiences dating half a decade ago. Bleak. How does negotiating c0ndom use with whiny dudes sound to you? Swiping on dating apps? Ghosting? Realizing you don’t get as much attention in your late 20s as you do in your early 20s? And what would be your end goal? Flings forever? Flings and then finding someone you love just as much as your current husband who is wonderful? What if you don’t? How will you cope with that? How will you cope with the emotional trauma of getting over your husband? Seeing him move on? I can’t imagine how I’d answer a sincere question about why my marriage ended if I got divorced just so I could chase the high of new partners. If a man said that to you, would you consider him a serious, safe relationship prospect? I would not. I cannot see how the tradeoffs would actually be worth it in reality. You know this. Schedule date nights and try something new with your husband. And listen to Anonymous at 3:06.
All of this.
+1. As someone who was still single in my late twenties it sucked. Sure there were a few fun dates but most of them were disappointing. I went on a lot of dates and the fun, butterflies in your stomach stuff happens 1% of the time. The pool gets smaller as you get older- it’s a lot of guys trying to settle down immediately or guys who are still single for obvious reasons. It’s not like being 24 when most guys in your age bracket are available. Plus your friends are probably settled down with a spouse or kid. It gets very lonely when no one is free to hang out with you and you go to sleep in an empty home. Don’t romanticize something that wasn’t great to begin with and just gets worse as you age.
This. I broke up with my college boyfriend at 25 and met my now-husband a year later. The 12 months in between were a real eye-opener. A lot of my friends were already in committed relationships and not free to go out to the bars/clubs, the dating pool was already starting to thin out, and the few guys I met online were non-starters.
In terms on age range I was fine dating guys in their late 20s/very early 30s. The guys who did chase me hard were often 35+ and starting to panic about getting married/having kids but were also kind of gross/controlling. There was a lot of implied ‘you’ll quit your job once we get married/have kids and I’ll just take care of you’ which freaked me out and narrowed the pool even further.
+2
“I know I am way happier now than I was then ….” QED.
And laughed at loud at “How does negotiating c0ndom use with whiny dudes sound to you?”
Random thoughts: if you are late 20s now and thinking about blowing up your marriage, you likely married at 26 or 27 and likely were with your husband for at least a year before marriage. So you partnered up quite young, and maybe before you were ready. But also, the attentions provided to a woman of 25 are not the same as a woman of 35, as a general rule, so the attentions received in the past are unlikely to continue long term. What is telling to me is that you say you have a “wonderful husband” but say nothing about your feelings for him. Those feelings for him seem critical to whether you should leave or even whether it is fair of you to stay (if you don’t love him).
Agreed that the already being married in your late 20s stuck out to me and means you settled down young.
While I have a few friends who married college boyfriends, most of them broke up in our mid 20s. The vast majority of my friends didn’t get married til our 30s (or are still unmarried).
But, I’m now in my early 30s and let me tell you, 30s dating is not fun.
I met my husband at 25 and we got married at 27. I agree most people break up with college boyfriends, but I don’t think it’s super uncommon to meet someone mid-20s and get married late 20s.
I’m in mod above but this was my timeline. Broke up with college boyfriend at 24/25, married current husband at 28. A lot of my peers went back to B-school/med school and met their now-spouses around the same time but it was a MUCH narrower dating field even in those few years post-college.
Yep, you were young. Girl just spice it up with your husband.
Yes, I am a 44 year old single woman. I am conventionally attractive. I don’t get nearly as much attention as I did in my 20s. I am fine with it, but I would really disappointed if I left a happy relationship for my current situation.
It is a fantasy, and blowing up your life is very unlikely to make you happier in the long run. What’s really going on here? Is it wanting to feel desirable? Missing some of the excitement of being young and carefree? (Even if you were single, you will never be that young again!)
The grass is always greener is an idiom for a reason.
You say that your husband is wonderful. Is there something missing? Is he not all that attractive to you? Is he mediocre in bed? Does he not lavish attention on you?
I’ve been married for almost 20 years (in November!) and I think this kind of comes and goes in phases throughout marriage. We have definitely had times where we felt more like roommates than lovers. We always get along well because we are genuinely friends, but it can get a little boring. But that is when we know it is time to try some new things, commit to more date nights, etc. This is why marriage is work sometimes even when you really love each other.
You’re never going to get the same amount of attention that you did in your early 20s.
I need help being less enraged at my doctors office. They are wrong. I am right. But I like my provider and I’m 30 weeks pregnant I cannot move. Any mantras or tips to just get less worked up about their nonsense?
“This is just my hormones”
“Into every life a little rain must fall”
“Just wait until I haven’t slept for 3 months and have a screaming baby to deal with and this will all feel so miniscule”
Thank you!
Hire a doula. She can help you navigate the last couple of months of pregnancy and help you digest the nonsense but can also advocate on your behalf to the provider or equip you with evidence-based literature to discuss at your appointments.
Not what you asked – it would be very difficult to move this time of year at at that gestation but you can wonder out loud to your provider if a midwife home birth is right for you. IMO they start listening to your concerns real fast when you introduce this topic. Taking it the other way into the extreme, you can ask to be referred to MFM if you have a complex-ish condition they won’t work with you on. It will be up to you to find out if your insurance will cover it. Good luck! You got this!
Ha I love my hospital based midwife and my MFM actually! I love this energy tho. The care is really good it’s just everything around it.
Reading about all the (other) multi-tree households (I’m one too!), it strikes me that this is the kind of lifestyle expansion that puts so many burdens on women in particular nowadays. I’m interested in the hive’s thoughts on other things that are new burdens in the last 10-20 years. Big ones are multiple/fancy vacations each year, decorating for other holidays, having an up-to-date house and yard, multiple cars per family, exercising multiple times each week; eating beautifully prepared or organic meals. . . what are some sneaky things that have become the norm in this vein?
NYMag had a great recent article about Visiting Day at summer camps and the pressure on wealthy moms.
Others:
Holidaying in the Hamptons if you’re in NYC
Italian riviera or Amalfi summer trips
Private school tuition
College tuition
Balayage, botox, manicures, facials etc
What’s a multi tree household?
The folks who posted elsewhere about putting up 2 and 3 trees for Christmas (I do two, myself). Versus one most years as a child. (I’m Xennial). There are lots of “taxes” on modern families’ time, but some of it seems self-inflicted. Or more charitably, the bar is higher.
Just thought of another – one of my dear friends is “out of commission” socially until her child goes off to college in two weeks. I remember doing much of the shopping, which was substantial, but low-key, myself. Anything we forgot ahead of time, we bought at Target on move-in weekend.
I can understand your friend’s position. My guess is it’s less about the logistics of college move-in and more about wanting to soak in the time with her kid. She probably isn’t with her kid 24/7 but wants to be available when her kid is interested in spending time with her. Being “out of commission socially” for two weeks is a blip for an adult, and it will mean a lot to both mom and teen to have that time together.
This. I don’t think your friend is being unreasonable to want to be around a lot in those last couple of weeks.
IDK, I’ve seen the facebook groups devoted to moms decorating their kids’ dorm rooms… that pressure is definitely very different from my move in from 1998 that involved “go to target bc we forgot a pillow.”
I’m telling myself I won’t be one of those but I also am 4+ years from a dorm movein.
Yeah those FB groups are cray, but it doesn’t sound to me like that’s what the previous poster is describing.
We’re not allowed to age, period. We have to act, dress, and groom like someone much younger with more time on their hands. I’m a Xennial born to a Boomer, and my mom and her friends were absolutely not trying to look 25 or 30 when they were 45. They “allowed” each other to look their age.
The expectations around diet and fitness have skyrocketed, IMO.
Everything is a shiny veneer. I, for one, am exhausted by it all and am actively looking at ways to cut back.
I posted last week that my Boomer mother still pretends to be 15 years younger than she is.
Because she had me quite young, she absolutely loathes that I don’t look 20 years younger than I am (I’m in my mid-40s).
Defying reality comes at a steep price.
I find it burdensome that I can’t read anything online without being sold to. I don’t need to see brooks brothers, ll bean, and allbirds ads next to every article I read. Yes, I built my own algorithm, but the Atlantic–I pay for this, why am I still getting ads? I do understand on the free sites, but I still resent it.
you should try Brave browser!
Or use Ghostery (free version). No ads. Easy security measures.
I don’t try that hard to look younger than I am (42) but maybe that will change in a few years. I don’t feel much pressure to look any way whatsoever. But I’ve always (since I was 15 I suppose) had an idea of the way I’m supposed to look and that drives what I eat, what I wear, and my workouts. Otherwise 15 year old me never cared about grey hair or done nails.
The Christmas tree thing does not strike me as new. My childhood home always had the formal tree with white lights and adult ornaments in the formal front living room where children weren’t allowed; in the family room, we had the colored lights and crafted ornaments. And I grew up knowing that plenty of women hired decorators to “do” their home for Christmas – custom garland, flowers over the mirror in the foyer, etc – generally houses on the holiday tour of homes or for a big party.
Interestingly, for me compared to you, OP, cars per household, eating “regular” meals, and vacations are the same in my circle as when I grew up. Exercising has definitely changed. The only exercising the moms in my neighborhood did growing up was walk, and maybe the occasional Jane Fonda tape.
Yeah, I’m Jewish but I feel like a lot of people had two or more trees growing up?
That said, every December I’m grateful for being Jewish. Hanukkah is fun but so much more low key. Christmas season seems really stressful for moms.
I never knew anyone with 2 trees when I grew up – even my wealthy friends didn’t do this. Never heard of such a things.
Expectations rise exponentially with each generation.
We had multiple trees growing up in the 80s, but it was one big family tree and then my brother and I both had small trees (3-4 ft) in our bedrooms for our ornaments.
Pinterest-worthy children’s birthday parties and/or parties that cost thousands.
I think this is regional. In my small Midwest city, I feel like most kids’ parties cost around $200-300. It’s usually just renting a room in an indoor play place, providing cake and a couple of pizzas and some simple favors. For April-October birthdays, park parties are common and those cost even less. Plenty of people, including us, could afford to spend quite a bit more, but it’s just not a spending priority.
My friends who live in the bay area have crazy stories about $10k kid birthday parties at tech CEO’s houses though.
Even in the Bay Area, very expensive kid parties are unusual. I live in one of the most expensive parts of Silicon Valley with kids in public school and most kid parties are of the park, cooking class, backyard, etc variety.
Speaking as a lazy person who never exercises, the newer emphasis on exercising 3-5 times a week is for our own health, better understanding of cardiovascular problems and aging/osteoporosis etc. This article from the NYT about how *much* all of this changed in the 70s was really eye opening.
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2025/01/14/well/move/fitness-evolution-trends-1970s.html?unlocked_article_code=1.bk8.VHlw.4OBcDm5WYivx&smid=url-share
That said, I opt out of a lot of stuff – no elf on the shelf, and i can barely get one tree up/down in enough time. There has always been pressure on women to look like they hadn’t aged, but when I think of my grandmother’s dyed hair it was in one of those short poufy styles women wore over age 45. I’m letting my hair go gray in part out of protest.
I agree that the big vacation planning and logistic is a PITA.
will add: whimsical bento boxes for your kids lunches (which I also refuse to do).
I guess I sort of tune out what other people do. We take big/fancy vacations but it’s because I love to travel, not because other people travel a lot. We drive old cars (and I don’t think multiple cars per family is new — we had one car growing up but it was because my dad didn’t drive, most people we knew had 2 cars), we don’t really decorate for holidays, we don’t take great care of our yard beyond paying someone to mow it biweekly, we don’t cook elaborate meals, I don’t exercise that much…
You can opt out of any of it you know. Anything on that list that I do, it’s because I genuinely enjoy it. But I don’t do most of those things despite being in the right tax bracket or whatever. I also DGAF what anyone else thinks of my life besides my husband.
Oh I know, and I often do. I’m interested in sneaky ones I may not be thinking about. To make some of this a choice and more intentional, rather than automatic or something I resent.
what’s that quote? “don’t keep up the joneses, drag them down to your level”?
I can’t make you better, but I can make us both worse.
I have friends who simply don’t do this stuff and they’re happy. Unsurprisingly there’s a big overlap in people who opt out of it and people who aren’t active on social media.
A sneaky thing is hosting adults. Some people go all out with photogenic charcuterie boards, themed decor, instagrammable drink and dessert stations, perfectly matching serving pieces…. And some people grab whatever paper goods are in the cabinet, cook something simple that tastes good and is easy to prepare, and tell guests to help themselves to the bar cart. The latter is much lower stress and cheaper.
Hmm, for me, multiple trees is an indulgence of my life long, childlike desire for more, infinite, Christmas trees. But I can see how for others it may be more of an externally imposed burden. Don’t disagree with your overall premise that the bar for .. things.. just seems to be infinitely higher. Destination bachelor3tte parties, weddings with all-weekend events (hosting and attending), kid’s bday parties, school activities that require parental effort, updated homes/decor, seasonal home decor…, “instagrammable” moments for every childhood milestone (smash cakes, 1 month old! 2 months old! with a chalk board drawing of what baby likes and has accomplished in the last month…), professional photos for everything – engagement, new baby, baby smeared with frosting on first birthday, yearly family photos….
Destination bachelor3ttes for sure – was NOT a thing in the 90s for most people and it’s such a huge expense.
Ehhh, the 90s was the height of bachelorette parties for me and we were doing destination events back then regularly. Complained about them then too though.
Not in my circles. We drove an hour or two outside of the city to a Spa for the afternoon for one close friend, and we thought that was a big deal.
Multiple trees has been a thing for a long time (we had two in my family’s 90’s house), but I get your point overall. Scope creep for “this is what a successful life looks like” is real, exacerbated by Insta. Best to have eyes wide open and pick what actually matters to you!
It’s all in your perspective, I think a lot of this is way more fun than the lackluster approach to life my parents took when I was growing up. Bring on all the gourds, trees, valentines decor, etc. I love a party, I love having people over, I love a celebration. If you don’t, fine but I don’t see it as lifestyle creep, just a hell of a lot of fun.
I agree with this to a big extent – just not an extreme one. I love decorating for Christmas but I won’t spend 40K on a light display for my Instagram.
I made the comment and same – I don’t do social media so that wouldn’t even occur to me.
I agree with this take w/r/t the things OP listed. My parents also took a lackluster approach to life for a variety of reasons and I don’t want that for myself. I do want a home that appeals to me aesthetically, I do want to go on fun vacations to destinations I’ve always dreamed of going, I do want to have guests over, I do want to exercise and eat well, I do want a Christmas tree. I also spent a lot of my childhood and early adulthood talking myself out of wanting these things to not rock the boat or be judged for spending money on “frivolous” things.
I’d love to have time in 4Q, so maybe I am Scrooge but I go all out for Epiphany to make up for it.
It’s the first day of school here in southeast suburbia and the dad families have posted a kid in a backpack and the mom families have posted kids with a backpack and a sign with the teacher and the dream job and the grade and the …
And at the end of the year the dads post a video of shooting their kids with water guns and the moms post a collage of the first day picture and the last day picture with the same chalkboard. I might be a dad
I’m also a dad by these standards.
At birthday parties, I’m also the one on the trampoline or in the pool with my kid, like the dads.
I am Very Old and multiple cars and multiple exercise days have been a thing since I was young. The thing I really notice as being very different is the up-to-date house/yard thing. Back in my day (mid/late 80s) we all still bought starter houses and furnished them with hand-me-downs or secondhand furniture from the Pennysaver, and lived with the 50s green-and-pink-tile bathrooms for decades until we could afford to re-do them or move up to a nicer house. TI feel like that’s just not a thing at all any more.
I read ‘Mean Moms’ over the weekend and had to put it down as it was so depressing around all of these issues. I’ve opted out of a lot of it but I do feel real pressure to keep up with my appearance after watching women/men in their 50s get pushed out.
I am leaning in hard on workouts for my health as I watch colleagues pass away in their 50s/60s and the health complications arising for friends/family in their 70s/80s.
It hasn’t become any sort of norm it is a burden your are taking on yourself and can literally just not do.
I think this is more a class issue. I was raised by a Depression baby so everything was used until its last legs. But I’m sure there are Depression babies who had more money that came away with a different mindset.
I notice these things more because I am now upper middle class but grew up lower middle class/poor. We didn’t have those things because we didn’t have the money for them. I’m sure some version of them existed though.
Yes – working among people with lower incomes and lifestyles, I feel no pressure to do any of these things –
Eh. A lot of this is wealth signaling which I’m just not into. You can opt out. I’ve found myself saying actually out loud that I really don’t care if people think we don’t have money. It’s a relief if you think I’m too poor to hang. I’m sending my kids to public school in a very fancy place and I just don’t care if they think we’re poor, relatively speaking. Modest vacations and older cars are just more our speed. I have plenty of friends with nicer stuff dreading their credit card bills and I want no part of it. I completely noped out of social media so I feel less pressure for back to school pictures and Pinterest birthdays. I’d rather send my kid to a modest small college where the professors actually teach than chase the bed party, lux dormitory, sports-before-everything schools. That’s one of the weirdest developments I see lately.
That said, I love all things beauty so thank god for Botox and hair extensions. I don’t think I look younger at all. Just prettier, which is ok even if it’s not for everyone.
Playdates for kids. I never had playdates arranged for me while growing up- i just wandered next door and knocked on my neighbor’s door.
Help me out here. If your mammo comes back with this wording in it, what would you expect your gyn to do — you self-schedule the next thing or they tell you what to do next? Or silence, because this is healthcare in 2025?
“Given patient’s dense breast tissue, she would benefit from additional surveillance study such as an abbreviated breast MRI or screening ultrasound.”
I think this is the new standard of care for women with dense bre@st tissue. It used to be that they just told you that you have dense bre@sts, making cancer detection more difficult. But my gyn on my last visit suggested I do an annual MRI as well as the annual mammo so that I’m getting a screening every 6 months. And this is the exact same counsel that all of my friends have gotten in the past year from their gyns too. We are all in our 40s if that matters.
If I were you, I would send a MyChart / Patient portal message to my GYN or PCP and ask them if you should be adding additional screening to your yearly plan because of your dense breasts. Or I would wait until my next appointment with my GYN and ask them. Because this isn’t an urgent issue.
A huge proportion of us have dense breast tissue. Mammograms miss more small cancers in women with dense breasts. So there has been a general recommendation for some time to consider additional imaging for routine screening in folks like you and me that have dense breasts. Adding ultrasound to yearly screening is the most common addition. Not all insurance companies make it is easy for you to get coverage, and denials are common. In my state, they passed a bill that requires patients to be contacted if they have dense breast tissue, and that insurance companies cover additional screening tests at 100% if ordered by their doctor.
Would it not make sense just to skip the mammogram and do the alternative screening? Asking for myself.
I asked my doctor this and unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. They need the mammogram to guide the follow up tests, and the follow up tests can miss things that would have shown on mammogram.
You might think that, but mammograms are a pretty good test, and using ultrasound to complement them is a better combo. Ultrasound alone isn’t enough. I am at higher risk for breast cancer due to an inherited gene so I get MRIs every year, but they still want me to do the mammogram every year too.
To my knowledge, getting an MRI covered for dense breasts alone may be tricky. And I warn you – MRIs will pick up a lot of questionable findings, that will lead to more testing. Dots/squiggles/lumps/bumps that will lead to biopsies that turn out to be normal. That’s the downside of using more aggressive high resolution imaging. You also pick up a lot of stuff that isn’t bad after all. The end result is a lot more stress/worrying and expense, and sometimes complications.
And I warn you, try to avoid doing your breast MRI anytime near your seasonal flu/COVID vaccinations. Because after a vaccination, your lymph nodes in your arm pit will often swell and can stay swollen for months, and even up to a year. The MRI picks that up. So now I am going through the hell of getting an ultrasound every 3 months on top of my yearly mammogram and MRI to follow those larger lymph nodes as they slowly go down after last years’ vaccinations. And because of the “abnormal” finding, now my ultrasounds are “diagnostic”, and if you do a mammogram at the same time as an ultrasound the mammogram also must be called diagnostic. This means your insurance no longer covers them at 100% as preventative care. More and more expense.
I’d expect to discuss at my next well woman visit.
I have dense breasts. They still only do a 3D mammogram, but this year when they saw something suspicious that turned out to be a cyst, they made me quickly come in for an additional X-ray and ultrasound when that additional x-ray wasn’t conclusive. So I don’t feel like anything has been missed by only getting the routine screening.
Unfortunately, in the US your health insurance would determine if they will cover an additional test.
Unfortunately, your feeling is not reality. Studies have shown that you are more likely to miss early stage (smaller) cancers when you have dense breasts when screening with mammogram compared with those without dense breasts. But it does not increase your chance of death, which is the most important thing.
I would expect a follow up call or message to discuss next steps, but not necessarily immediately because this isn’t urgent. Maybe within a week or two?
I have my first mammo on Thursday and my OB already told me to expect a follow up MRI due to dense breast tissue, but also told me that there would probably not be a great deal of hurry in scheduling it. Lack of urgency is generally a good thing in medicine and means they aren’t concerned about what they see.
My PCP is great and calls me with results even when they are normal to say everything looked good. It’s why I drive the extra 20 minutes when her office moved to stick with her. You get the results in a portal, but it gives such peace of mind to get that extra reassurance. If I didn’t get a call, I would definitely send a message to ask for her to give me a call to review the results.