Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Short-Sleeve Premium Linen Blazer
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A short-sleeved, white, linen blazer is an article of clothing that can only be worn for a short period of time each year. Fortunately, that time is right now, so if you’re in the market, now is the time to grab this one from Abercrombie & Fitch. Pair it with your favorite sheath dress for a summer-y office look.
I really like the crisp white, but it also comes in light pink and deep sage.
The jacket is on sale for $96 (marked down from $120) at Abercrombie and comes in sizes XXS-XL.
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Just curious, do you expect or husband or sig other to send you a text update if they are staying at an event longer? Normally husband and I are both great at it but last night I was upset.
Husband has a church education class Tuesday nights 7-10pm on the other side of town. It is hosted at someone’s house. He normally sends me a text when he arrives there and leaves. I pulled a muscle yesterday in my shoulder so I texted around 10:40pm asking when he was coming home so he could help dry my hair. Crickets. I also tried calling a few times but it went to VM. He always has his phone on vibrate so I started getting worried and texted again asking for an ETA. Finally, around 11:30pm he said he was leaving. I asked, did you hear your phone buzzing? He said yeah, but I didn’t want to interrupt the conversation I was in. They were all “midwest goodbying” aka lingering to leave. I do understand that, because phones are an instant distraction however at the same time I was genuinely worried about where he was 1.5 hours after the event was supposed to be done. I told him this. We live in a big city with all kinds of events in the news (which I try to avoid watching) but I love and care about him and am upset he was ignoring my calls/texts.
To clarify, I told him a quick “excuse me, I need to send a text” and just letting me know “still here” would have been perfectly fine. I just wanted to know when to expect him/if he was still there or not.
Sounds like you need a new mutual expectation, not more justification of him being “wrong” or you being right.
+100000
I’m totally with you, and in principle my husband agrees and might get worried if he has trouble reaching me as well. But in practice, he loses track of time regularly and I am left wondering.
actually upon reflection, what I really didn’t like (and it stopped for the most part) was receiving a text “I’m on my way home”, and THEN he’d do the stupid Midwestern goodbye or run into someone, and forget to tell me to expect him later.
So it could be worse, at least?
Yeah, my husband does that from time to time and it drives me nuts.
One night when my husband and I were in our early 20s and still dating (but living together), he texted me that he was leaving work. He worked retail and closed the store at night, either by himself or with one other person. He should have been home within 10 minutes. After 45 minutes, I tried calling him to see where he was, and his phone went straight to voicemail. After more than an hour, I drove to the store to see whether he’d had car trouble on the way home or got stuck at the store after hours. I couldn’t find him and was genuinely worried for his safety. I even called his dad (who lives locally) to find out if he’d heard from him (or the police or the local hospital).
He got home maybe 3 hours after he told me he was leaving work, probably around 11 pm or midnight. It turned out that he went by a coworker’s house to pick something up on his way home and started hanging out. And his phone died.
I was furious. FWIW, I don’t remember that he “had” to text before leaving work or anything, but if you’re going to text that you’re on your way, you should either update or show up in a reasonable amount of time after that text.
Requiring someone to text you when they arrive at and leave a place seems excessive.
Right? As a new teenage driver this is what my parents required… not something I would ever expect from a partner
Agree. Arriving locally at isn’t even a useful detail (except for proof of life for a teen driver).
Yeah, having them text you if they’re going to be an hour later than expected would be fine though. Maybe change your texting rules to do that instead — no texts needed if everything is normal but text if something changes.
100%
You are both adults.
Yeah it’s excessive. Can you share your phone location with each other so you can check and see if he’s still at the event? This won’t tell you when he’ll be home but it will solve the issue of “Is he lying in a ditch somewhere”
Yeah, we did phone sharing after the most recent “I’m leaving now” and arrival two hours later (when the venue was 20 minutes away).
This. Very controlling.
Yeah this is insane to me and I would never expect that of my husband. But sounds like OP needs to have a convo about it if it’s that important to her.
No. If we have another event happening later, if one of us has dinner ready at home, if they need to pick up/drop off kid later, then yes – common courtesy. But one night, when you do not have a mutual plan after, I do not expect. It sounds like he followed your mutual norm, which is he tells you when he is leaving. He did that.
Yeah I think he just didn’t realize how desperate you were for him to get home because you were in pain and needed help. OP, Do you think you would feel the same way if you weren’t in pain? I’ve been in both situations- waiting at home and texting and at an event and wondering if I need to text that I’m still there but not wanting to be rude- and they both are tough
being in physical pain definitely contributed to my persistence/annoyance
DH and I will call twice if either of us needs to reach the other attention immediately. We use it rarely, but I will excuse myself from conversations (including informal work conversations) if he uses the double call.
If I were at home and in pain and needed help, and assumed DH was chatting after a church function, I’d use the double call. In the middle of the workday, it needs to be something pretty serious, like our son threw up at school or something along those lines.
We let the other spouse know if we will be home later than expected. We don’t usually pay attention to incoming text messages while we are interacting with others, though.
This, both are common courtesy. If he knew she needed help at home later, then he should have made his excuses and left.
Did he know that? Unclear if that was something she wanted in the moment or was like a planned thing. I often just cancel weekly things or don’t linger if I need to tend to someone at home.
It doesn’t matter whether he knew she wanted help. His plans had changed and he should have given her a quick heads-up.
But his lingering seems to be standard operating procedure for him (for me also; I can say my goodbyes for hours). It seems like the OP knows that this is how he can be.
LOL my family knows that I will really ramp my visiting into high gear when it’s time to leave. [But if I truly have a hard stop, like picking up a parent or a kid, then I’m all just ghosting out of there to keep to a schedule.]
Agree. I silence texts unless I am waiting for something important (plane landing, surgery went well, baby is here) that’s unusual. Otherwise I’d be constantly interrupted.
Agree with this.
Agree. And this is how we are. And that’s exactly why I think DH should have texted OP. The event is from 7-10pm, which I assume means DH usually leaves event between 10:00 to 10:30. But on this night, he didn’t leave until 11:30, which is 60 to 90 minutes later than usual. In that case, I would expect my DH to let me know that the event is running longer and he will be later getting home than usual.
Yes, he should have texted her at 10:00 to let her know he’d be later than planned.
We do the same thing, text when we arrive or leave somewhere, but dislike having to check our phones when interacting with people. I also wouldn’t have checked my phone while in the middle of a conversation nor would I have I expected my husband to have done so. If there’s a natural break, I might send an update that I’m staying later than expected, but I don’t want either of us to feel like we’re tied to our phones and have to interrupt what we’re doing to send updates.
Same. I loathe the phone.
This has been somewhat of an issue in my 30-year plus marriage. I am a world class worrier and quickly spiral if my husband doesn’t come home in what would be a normal span of time, and I can’t reach him via call or text. He is a huge extrovert, loves to talk to people, loses track of time, doesn’t worry at all, and feels as though he is encouraging my needless anxiety if he always gets in touch. He also gets so many texts, even for work, that he rarely pays attention to them immediately. We’ve reached detente finally, by saying, if he is going to be past 7 or 8 p.m., he needs to let me know in advance so I don’t see him dead in a ditch. We try to check in each morning before leaving for work about what the day looks like (although now the argument has shifted to “I did tell you this” “no you didn’t” – but that is a different matter). I finally persuaded him it is basically rude not to let your partner know about evening plans that mean you won’t be there for dinner, or late, etc. It works pretty well, but like so many things in a long marriage, it just smoothed out over time. Not much help to you OP, except that maybe you are not alone?
Theres a lot to unpack here …
– texting when you arrive and leave feels high control to me (especially when included with 3 hour weekly church education … and I say this as a regular church attendee)
– your husband is right, it’s rude to be pulled away from conversation by a phone notification Especially since the vibration could be for anything, not necessarily a text from you asking about his timing.
– if you were really concerned or annoyed, I’d suggest calling, which you did. For us, texts are for FYI or non urgent stuff and calls are for time sensitive stuff. I’d be very annoyed at multiple missed calls – to us that indicates an emergency so it’d be unacceptable to feel the notification and ignore un this setting. But, for us it’d also be unacceptable to call several times for something like this.
– But also, if my husband had plans until 10 pm I’d not plan on even seeing him after – maybe I’m still awake when he gets home but more likely I’m asleep by then.
– I’d only expect an “fyi I’ll be later than I thought” message if we have plans (whether thats actual plans or just one of us is making dinner) after. Which, helping you dry your hair could be that plan if you communicated that previously. I don’t need to know my husband’s every move. We do share location, so if I really needed to find his location I could, but honestly we only really do that to see if someone has left the office yet / should we start making dinner.
Just use find my phone. That will tell you if he’s still there. I’m usually your husband and lose track of time at social events and while I try to remember to text, I don’t 99% of the time. I’d find insisting on it to be controlling and wouldn’t agree to some protocol like that.
This is interesting to me. A bunch of my friends use Find My all the time to check on this stuff (they have it on different friends too), and it seems to work for them no problem. So I believe DH and I might be the outlier here…however just speaking personally for my relationship, being able to check on my location constantly via a location tracking app feels way more controlling than expecting someone to answer their phone calls or text back. I know that controlling/tracking isn’t how most of people are using Find My, but I’m just deeply uncomfortable with tracking.
Well, I want my husband to know where I am so it doesn’t bother me? I send him Uber updates when I take those and generally think it’s good for him to know where I am. We love each other and he’s who I’d call for help. I’m not sneaking around. I just don’t like the idea of slipping out of a social event to say “still here.”
same, I made my mom share her location with me too and my besties all share too. It helps when you misplace your phone too. I’ve got nothing to hide. If I’m working a few minutes late DH can see and will go pick up kids. OR if someone gets nabbed…
It’s a know your relationship. I find it less intrusive than calls about if I’ve left work when I am desperately trying to get the last three emails out before I can leave work. We also just don’t sit there tracking each other all day, and use it for when we need it.
We have elder parents and non-driving teen kids. I get irritated if they call or text if I’m a moment late to pick them up from something. They have been instructed to check to see if either parental car is moving towards them and chill out.
OTOH, any time anyone is travelling or in an Uber (IMO sketchy, especially for solo women) or on a bike / motorcycle, I want a bit more proof of life / arrival / that the car is moving towards a direction and not out where you’d dump a body. Or that aging parents haven’t had an accident or broken down on the side of a road.
We also share phone location sharing for this situation. My husband also takes forever to leave a social gathering.
We keep our location sharing with each other always on—so we can tell when the other has left work, will be home for dinner, etc.
agree, DH and I don’t like to have our phones out and keep them on silent all the time, but we have location sharing on for each other. I can’t say I think to check it that much but it’s helpful in situations like these.
This would annoy me to no end. I don’t think any adult should be tracking another adult this way. I am where I’m supposed to be, but I would never want a spouse, much less a friend, watching my whereabouts. That just seems so ick and potentially abusive. Some level of privacy in life is important. If you have so little trust, you have bigger issues.
Yes, and if you have ever been tracked by someone close who you trusted, it is really creepy!
Sure, in an unhealthy relationship I can see that. In a loving and functional one it completely avoids OPs issue.
Potential risk here far outweighs reward. You can’t control how someone else will act. And even the best of intentions sometimes go south. I don’t want anyone able to track me at all times–I don’t care who you are. Grown adults should have some level of independence.
On a larger scale, no one goes into marriage thinking they’ll get divorced–so saying your relationship is healthy and won’t go this way is a fallacy for more than half of folks. Those odds are enough reason not to do this. So little good is outweighed by a whole lot of potential bad.
In my stage of life, I’m literally never anywhere but the office, the gym, home, or picking up our kid. I have zero concerns about my husband tracking me.
It sounds like you’re imagining that they’re glued to their phone watching every move. That’s not happening. They’re picking up their phone and actively checking your location when you’re two hours late for dinner, so they don’t have to interrupt you with a phone call or a text just to reassure themselves that your location that shows up isn’t the hospital.
You have no way of controlling whether that’s happening though–that’s the problem.
Husband and I keep each other in the loop like you guys, not for control but for ease of the other partner’s plans. Like I might wait up until 10:30 if he was coming home on schedule, but if he was going to stay out, I’d go ahead to bed rather than wondering. I would be a bit annoyed but not “blizzard of phone calls” upset here.
+1 to this. I ask my husband to give me an idea of when he’s leaving an event at night so I know if I should stay up for him or ask him to stay in the guest room (in our home the person who comes in late always sleeps in our guest room to not wake the other).
Ditto for pet care – he typically does the evening feed/walk, if he’s not going to be home for that I appreciate having a heads up.
+2. We text a lot for this reason too, and I have never thought of it as controlling on the part of either of us.
FWIW, I would have been annoyed if my husband said he would be home shortly after 10pm, and then went radio silent until 11:30pm.
I would appreciate a text if my husband is expected back in an hour and instead comes back many hours later. But realistically I’ve learned that when this happens it’s because he started talking and lost all sense of time and is not really aware that he’s off schedule. Neither of us likes to be interrupted by a phone so texting to request a text is not much of a solution. I feel that if his parents couldn’t prevail on him to communicate better about staying out later than expected when he was growing up, I’m not going to succeed now that he’s a grown adult.
But sometimes we have done location sharing so there’s less worry about somebody being dead on the side of the road. Neither of us really care about feeling surveilled at this point in our lives though since by now we’ve each had the kind of scary medical events where we were just grateful somebody helped. I can imagine that when we were younger location sharing might have felt irksome, but these days it’s more just comforting that somebody cares.
I think he should have let you know he was running late.
Everything else – texting when he arrives, your anxiety – is beside the point.
(On a side note, I detest Irish goodbyes/Midwest goodbyes, whatever you want to call them. Either stay comfortably ensconced on the couch with snacks and wine and keep chatting, or actually leave. Lingering is neither fun nor gets you to your next place.)
An Irish goodbye is just slipping out without saying anything to anyone.
Ive always heard it the opposite way: long lingering chats with everyone as you try to leave.
I have always heard it as “slipping out” – where do you live?
Irish goodbye means leaving without saying goodbye. As in, you’re too drunk to say a proper goodbye and stumble out before the party is over.
It’s controversial/stereotypical of the Irish, clearly, but as an Irish(wo)man, I use it freely. Shrug. I’m in Boston.
I love an Irish Goodbye. Unfortunately, my in-laws who are all Irish practice the Midwest Goodbye, with hugging. Blech.
That’s a Midwest goodbye, not an Irish goodbye – the Irish is the complete opposite (leaving without telling anyone you’re leaving)
It is fun to some people, though!
It’s fun to not respect your friends’ boundaries or to force them to be rude?
OMG it’s not a hostage situation.
As with so many things on this board, it’s cultural. The people in this scenario know how to say good bye in the way that fits with their norms. The hosts also know how to say “please leave now” when they want to.
Irish goodbye is the exact opposite!
This would be a bit too much communication for me (and too much pulling out my phone to check the exact time, etc. Excusing yourself to send a text is disruptive to a conversation, although of course sometimes necessary); but if it works for you all’s marriage, rock it (and it doesn’t sound *wildly out of norm* or anything).
But a question to think about is, is what you want more communication about short delays when you don’t have specific plans (ie text me if you’ll be home at 11:30 instead of 10) overall; or is it more communication just for the time you’re injured and need more help (like setting the default to “we have plans” for the next 8 weeks)? either is legit, just to help you think through what you want & need before talking with your husband
At that time of night yes. But routinely no. And normally sending arrival and departure texts for church sounds so weird. Also weird is lingering at Bible study until 11:30pm, you sure he isn’t cheating?
This. I’ve never heard of a weekly 3 hour bible study, let alone one that goes over an hour late on a weeknight when people presumably need to go to work the next morning.
I attend church most weeks and honestly, what could you have to discuss for 3+ hours each week. And, who has the time for that?
Literal lol. You clearly don’t live in the Bible Belt! I have all my life and wasn’t surprised about any of this, including the time.
You’re right, I’m not. I’m a. Episcopalian in the Northeast so a 3 hour bible study is unheard of (ours is 1 hour and sparsely attended).
Even the Baptists here don’t do that!
I’m a little amused at the idea that there’s not enough in “the Bible” to discuss for 3+ hours weekly.
Who has time for that? My parents. For as long as I can remember. Right down to the long goodbye. Every week after church and weekly bible study. And we’re Canadian, but I guess very “Midwest” at heart :)
Very curious to know where in Canada. I truly don’t know anyone who believes in deities, only a few social church goers.
But dont they have familial obligations and work and house stuff?
ha. I’ve attended an evening Bible study in addition to two weekly church services every week of my life except for one week after the birth of each of my kids. For the last five years we’ve hosted the Bible study and feed dinner to 12 people every Wednesday, 5:30-8:30, come on over.
Yeah but not til 11:30 on a school night! That’s an hour for sinning
I’m glad people are still having others over.
idk my husband was at his men’s bible study until 11:30 last night. It started at 8 and should have only lasted an hour but they started talking about woodworking and then had another beer and then decided they should sharpen some planes in the workshop…
Time has no meaning in woodworking, let alone woodworking coming up with a group.
It’s likely not just Bible study, it’s study, then closing prayer, refreshments, men’s conversation and catch up, then making their way home. A lot of men love to talk and make close friendships around this social function.
For instance, my brother found out about a cousin’s new baby before any of the women-folk in the family. Why? Because the baby’s Dad announced it by text to his men’s Bible study group. Made me laugh because we always hear about how women talk more than men. Ha! The men’s Bible Study group knows ALL about everything going on.
This is giving righteous gemstones vibes.
I assumed cheating when I heard Bible study until 11:30 pm.
The people who go to three hours of Bible study usually aren’t the same ones who are up until midnight or would be callous about checking a text from a wife who strained her shoulder. Usually, it’s “let’s all pray for Jennifer” and “do you need to go early to help her”.
Yes I also got cheating vibes.
Shrugs. In my neck of the woods, 7-10pm wouldn’t be unusual for a group that was eg. trying to make the scheduling work for parents who are doing an “after work, after dinner rush hour, etc”. “Who has time for that” is a question of your overall busy-ness + priorities. In my particular neck of the woods, 3 hrs would be longish for a weekly bible study but not that unusual if it’s something with dedicated social time also, and also normal for something like diaconal formation. If OP thinks her husband is cheating, that’s a way different conversation , but nothing in this jumps out to me as that.
You replied to me. I said nothing about not having time for that. What I did say is that ending at 11:30 is weird, as is the lack of people telling him to get his butt out the door and back to his hurt wife.
A pulled muscle isn’t quite rising to the level of “hurt wife” to me. Like if I have cramps or when I’ve pulled something at the driving range, my SO isn’t going to be tending to me.
The OP said she needed help drying her hair. That’s usually enough for these groups to add her to the prayer list.
Isn’t bible study just book club for religious people? Why wouldn’t it last a while?
I hate to say this, but me too. Especially going radio silent for 90 minutes from 10-11:30 pm.
+3 (or +4 or whatever now)
My husband and I communicate pretty loosely, but I would expect to know if he was going to be home significantly later than forecast. I didn’t see if staying late/chatting are common, but if typically he leaves precisely at 10 and is home soon after, I would expect to hear from him – even if it’s just a “hey, just got out, heading home now” or for him to duck into the bathroom/etc. to say “we’re going long but will leave when we’re done – you good?” Especially if he knew you weren’t feeling well, I would expect him to alert you of deviations from the norm.
Also agree with others that it doesn’t matter who is wrong or right, but y’all need to reset expectations.
And communications. Wanting help with your hair might not be what he was expecting to be on call to do. I’ve never asked for help with that ever. But that’s how I roll — air dry or skipping hair when circumstances needed me to. Also: husband is bald and has no sense of hair.
“I will need your help with my hair tonight; if you could be home by 10:30, I will be ready for it around then.”
or “I will need for you to roll the trash cans to the curb tonight and if you do it after 9, it will wake the neighbor’s baby.”
I don’t think he did anything wrong. In fact, I think blowing up his phone because you chose to wash your hair knowing he was out and expecting him to be there to dry it was sort of the unusual thing here. I wouldn’t expect my husband (and wouldn’t want for myself) to feel like there is an expectation to keep an eye on the phone at all times barring some sort of prearranged need (kid will be expecting a goodnight, you will be getting a text with a list of things to get while you’re out, etc.). It sounds like the end point of the evening is always going to be a little loose unless you agree on a “curfew” together. If I were to linger in the parking lot talking to my friends after dinner (as often is the case) for an hour or so, I’d be pissed if I were getting interrupted for no decent reason or felt I had to “check in” or had someone tracking my freaking phone. That all sounds more like a relationship of parent and child versus two grown adults.
I’ve been dating a guy for 2 months. We have of things in common, he’s kind, adventurous, chivalrous, plans dates well, asks me a lot of questions. At first I thought I could really feel comfortable and be myself with him, and while that’s the case, I still feel hesitant. Last time we met I will just not feeling it and kinda wanted to leave for the last 1/3 of the date. There’s no explainable reason, I was just over it. And I’m not excited to see him again. I think I just got the ick from him – what do I do in this situation? Is this enough of a reason to end things?
Yes, that’s definitely enough of a reason to end things
Depends on how much you want to be coupled up and how successful you generally feel dating – If you have 8 other matches and you have 10 years before you want to get in a long-term thing, walk away! If you are hoping to find someone soon, then gently, nearly every hetero couple I know the woman would say she has gotten what we now call the ick. There are articles about how to pause and reflect where that feeling is coming from and how to work through it. If you felt unsafe, run. If he picked his nose at the dinner table or asked a fellow diner a socially odd question, I’d consider my other chances and timing before leaving. (Signed, a 42-yo who married at 38. My DH is quirky but not gross or threatening.)
OMG no. This is terrible advice. You aren’t excited about him, call it. That’s it. He is not your last best chance. Good grief.
Quirky but confident about it would be fine. I think its the lack of confidence and the constant self second guessing that’s giving me the ick. Like maybe that’s humility, maybe its not actually bad, but that’s not attractive to me.
He also makes a lot of comments about race that I find weird. He moved to the US from an eastern european country as a kid, and constantly makes comments about his country vs. the others in that area, how they’re similar vs. different, how X hates Y, how hes okay with a certain artist even though they’re from X. I know some of this is not unusual but its still rubs me the wrong way. Like if I said that about Mexicans that wouldn’t be appropriate.
Always mentions a persons race in stories even when not relevant – and other things that fall more in the “asked a fellow diner a socially odd question” category.
I’m the poster you are replying to and this context I would walk away. This is an explainable reason. If you were having vague feelings of “maybe it’s not right for me,” or “he did something quirky the first time,” I see a lot of people rush to break up. But this sounds like major communication style differences, a lack of confidence from him, and a values / cultural mismatch (understandable!) regarding race and commentary about race. This is not a vague ick, OP. I’d dump the guy!
Girl. Run.
Walk away. The fact that you can list these things (and I’m certain there are other things you could list) shows that you’re not into him.
I was about to comment that even in my happy marriage there are scattered days that we just aren’t clicking like normal, and it’s time for some recharging alone… but this context? Nope nope nope. Cut your losses.
+1. This is a lot of additional context that was not in the original post. You have a concrete reason for being over it. Definitely no need to keep trying.
Oof. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
Also you get to break up for any reason you want so I say walk!
I wonder if you are the first person he’s dated outside of his same country/region of origin. He doesn’t realize how ‘off’ this seems to someone else.
Not that I’m saying you should stay with him. This would be off-putting for sure.
well, I know someone like that who (by his own questionable account) has dated tons of girls, and just says this really tone deaf stuff all the time. I don’t think it’s a lack of opportunities to realize how icky it is, I think he enjoys sticking out.
Who cares? Someone like that is going to be career and socially limiting even if he didn’t give OP the icks. Never ever try to make something wrong work when dating. Recipe for divorce.
I moved from an Eastern European country as a kid and I do not do this and find it weird and off putting. Many people from my former country talk like this but also many do not. This is not some cultural thing that you have to give him a pass for. I think you’re not into him and that’s ok. He deserves someone who absolutely adores him, and you deserve someone you absolutely adore and are excited about.
This is awful advice. Don’t settle just because you want something long-term. That fact shouldn’t be more important than the long-term partner.
Totally agree. If you’re 40, you potentially have 40+ more years with a person who you don’t want to spend time with right now. I don’t disagree with really evaluating whether you dismiss partners too quickly for dumb reasons, but actually wanting to spend time with your partner feels like a non-negotiable.
I’d rather be single than in a longterm relationship with a guy I’m not into.
Ah no. I don’t think you talk yourself out of the ick just do you don’t end up a spinster. What year is this again?
The ick is telling you something. OP should move on.
I would also want to know – does this happen frequently? I am a “listen to your gut” person generally, but if this is a pattern for you, that might bear discussing with someone, especially if your goal is to find a long term partner. It doesn’t sound like he did anything to create the ick, so it’s hard to know whether this is a him thing or a you thing.
I think the pattern is staying in relationships I’m actually not happy with, because I don’t feel like I have a concrete enough reason to end it. So not listening to my gut is the main problem.
Based on what you shared above, you DO have concrete reasons. If you think concrete reason only means “physical harm,” “yelling,” or “cheating,” gently, you’re worth more than that.
Hmm, look at your post. You framed it as if you were having a feeling for no reason at all, but your replies state that you clearly think he might be more bigoted than you’re comfortable with and you think he’s awkward. Those are classic reasons to call it off, but you framed it like you had no reason. That’s the part to look into that you made it sound better “on paper” than it has been.
Absolutely. Girl, it’s not going to get better! Call it a day. This is why people end up in bad relationships.
It’s definitely enough of a reason. I have felt this inexplicable ick feeling before, where I just kind of wanted the person to leave or the date to be over, with men who were objectively good ones and I’m sure are wonderful husbands…to someone else. I knew my husband was the right person for me because I never wanted him to leave.
Okay this is how I feel. I’m sure he’ll be a great husband for someone but I’m not so sure he would be for me.
Literally every single guy I dated before I met my husband fell into that category- great husband for someone but not for me. That is not the metric to choose for you.
There are times we will not be excited to see our SO. A few months in is pretty early, though. Do you typically panic or run away around this length of relationship? If not, then I’d break up. If yes, I’d think about if there really IS a reason or thing that you noticed/felt, then think about if he did it every week, is it a dealbreaker or something you can get used to.
I would challenge this, in over a decade with my husband, I’ve always been happy and excited to see him.
I’m going to come in with a different take.
What is your family background like? What is “normal” for you?
My childhood was extremely dysfunctional and I was often left hung out to dry. As a result, I’m incredibly independent and ask for very little from men. That resulted in many bad relationships and a horrible marriage.
I’m learning that what I think of as “normal” is what I’m used to, which is deeply effed up. I’m working on distinguishing between “uncomfortable because this level of caring is new” and “uncomfortable because this is a bad dude.”
Throwing that out there.
I have close, caring friends and family! I often catch myself thinking “well my friends could plan this date so why wouldn’t I expect a guy to”.
In which case, leave.
Leaving a dating relationship isn’t like prosecuting someone for murder. You don’t need expert witnesses, justifications, exhibits, proof beyond a reasonable doubt, and acceptance of the same by a jury of peers. You just need to be kind about it (absent abuse, etc., even ghosting is fine).
Yeah more or less I was thinking I needed all that but I don’t. Idk if this is bad but if friends/family ask I’m going to tell them he ended it or that it fell apart – if I say I ended it then they start asking me for all that.
Advice you didn’t ask for: find a good therapist and have a few sessions to talk about this.
Sometimes, people are unintentionally overbearing because they want to see you happy. That’s fine, but you can’t live your life trying to not disappoint them. A good therapist can help you with scripts and boundaries.
“I didn’t like him” shuts people up pretty fast.
Please trust yourself. You don’t need to find outside justification to not continue a relationship that you’re not into. Not wanting something is always enough of a reason.
If you don’t want to die alone I think one meh date after two pretty good months is a silly reason to end things. At least try one more, doing a different type of thing, and then decide.
Ah it’s not just one bad date, its low key been an issue before
This is TERRIBLE advice.
The idea that “not dying alone” means having a spouse is so, so antiquated and damaging. You can be alone and married, as many people can attest. And you can have a wonderful community of people without being married.
Be with someone you want to be with. Don’t talk yourself into something. And definitely don’t nurture some fear of “dying alone” to justify being in a relationship (marriage, friendship, all of it) you’re not all that into.
How often do people have a wonderful community of people that keeps showing up during a protracted disabling illness? It’s scary to rely on people who may lovingly show up with casseroles at first, but after a few years of no recovery, most people who aren’t family move on with their lives, even if the person who needs help is actually sicker and struggling more.
Sure. Excellent reason to marry a man you don’t even like! Casseroles.
Again, what year is this?
There are so many women on here who clearly can’t stand their husbands but then when someone says “I don’t really like the man I’m dating” they chime in and tell her to marry him ASAP so they don’t end up alone!
Alone is far, far better than a lifetime with someone you don’t love, and better still than too many miserable years and the eventual divorce.
How many people have husbands leave during chemo, or who can’t handle things when it gets hard, who cheat? Marriage doesn’t guarantee partnership, and choosing someone just because they’re available but isn’t for you is a terrible way to consign yourself to being alone with someone else in the house.
It’s like when people argue that you should have kids so that someone will have to take care of you when you’re old. It doesn’t always work that way.
Of course it doesn’t always work that way, but when I think about who was and was not found dead in their home days after they died among people I know personally, there’s still a pattern? I wish things were different and that in 2025 there were better options for people, but what are you imagining they are? Because for people who lose their ability to get out of the house and participate long term, I do not see community coming through.
You’re actually suggesting that you marry someone so that you don’t die and rot in an apartment someday? What happens when one spouse dies before the other, which is of course inevitable?
Your reasoning is unhinged. And the logic of it is really gross — it justifies staying in all sorts of shitty situations (including abuse).
Save money, check yourself into assisted living, you’ll be cared for and no need to lose half your assets in the inevitable divorce. There are plenty of ways to care for yourself. I say this as someone happily married too. This premise is nonsense. I’d rather be alone than in a bad relationship.
I’m suggesting that community is currently no kind of substitute for family in our existing society.
And care homes that you pay good money for can also be a shitty, abusive situation especially if no one is checking in on things.
Statistically, men leave their partners when they are sick. But also, statistically, women outlive men. You are very likely to end up dying “alone” even if you are married.
That one more date doesn’t have to be to the altar, just saying.
If you’re done, you’re done. If you’re still on the fence, go on one more low key date. I am not sure why so many women here seem to need affirmation to dump a guy or keep trying, it’s your life after all.
Sunk cost fallacy. Don’t try to talk yourself into someone you’re not into.
It’s easier to find a life partner when you aren’t wasting your time on a dead-end relationship.
Check mate!
Ok actually now seeing you explain what the issue is, of course don’t seem him again. Idk why you presented it as just oh this was not amazing instead of he’s weird and racist.
You’re just not that into him and that’s fine.
Of course it’s enough reason to end things!
At the two month point of dating my husband I was so besotted I would have had a hard time pointing out his flaws. I feel like at this point if you aren’t in the honeymoon phase, you should cut him loose.
Yeah. Two months in is supposed to be fun!
Same. I was completely head over heels.
This is informative and convincing.
Same. At 3ish months things got a little rougher (like, the lust goggles wore off a little bit) but I was still deeply into him and enjoyed being with him. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten “the ick” from my husband. I’ve been grossed out, I’ve been annoyed, I’ve been angry. But I’ve never been over him.
I don’t know how old you are, but there was a time during perimenopause when I felt so over my partner. Like I had to grit my teeth to be affectionate and kind of just went through the motions. I am glad I did not act on those feelings, because 5+ years later I can’t imagine being without him.
Hormones are something else. I felt this way about my partner on BC and am glad I figured it out.
Okay y’all, I’m convinced, I’m ending things. Thank you for going on this journey with me.
Also I feel like this board skews usually more cautious/conservative than me so if everyone is saying absolutely not, that’s telling.
What go-to-the office purses are you liking for 2025? Finance job, in downtown core office. I keep looking and can find nothing that suits me. I work mainly with guys, so have no one to ask IRL.
Are you talking about your daily tote, or a grab-for-lunch clutch kind of thing? I wouldn’t describe either as a “purse” in the context of an office bag.
I guess a more formal bag, that is formal but not fancy? Like not a sparkly purse or casual raffia summer bag. But something leather with some structure. Or did formal purses go away with COVID? I am starting to shove badges and stuff in pockets, which isn’t ideal.
Most women in my office have a medium-size clutch or pouch they use for this, and it fits in their work tote for the commute. Think something like this – https://www.markandgraham.com/products/monogrammed-leather-zip-tassel-pouch/?catalogId=4&sku=3339861&cm_ven=PLA&cm_cat=Google&cm_pla=Accessories%20%3E%20Wallets&cm_ite=3339861_20083128677__Pmax&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20083133039&gbraid=0AAAAADxSCbSKiTLMT5G5FUSEgAuNF51ax&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8J2u2Y3TjgMVUzQIBR3tpyM7EAQYBSABEgJluvD_BwE
Is this too big? https://wpstandard.com/collections/tote-bags/products/the-contigo-zipper-tote-bag?variant=42878035918985
Is this too small? https://www.portlandleathergoods.com/products/flora-shoulder-bag?variant=41243699806290
Trend appears to be this weird banana shape bag – I have seen all sorts of brands lately.
Mark & Graham Zoe tote or similar.
Have had mine for 18 months and stuff it and travel with it and it looks great.
depends how much you need to fit – if you need file folders or laptop then you need a tote with something smaller like a clutch to grab and go to lunch.
if you don’t need something that large then a regular purse is fine – i’d look at places like shopbop or net-a-porter for trendier things. mansur gavriel, demellier, or mulberry for more classic things.
Consider a Tumi Voyageur laptop tote plus a Voyageur cross-body, which can be stuffed into the tote, but pulled out for running to lunch from the office building. Good luck!
For those of you who have had the experience of been out of shape for years and then in shape, how much of a difference did it really make to your daily life? My friend and I were just talking about how we’re both prone to thinking that everything is going to be easier if we just get our fitness back, but I wonder if we’re idealizing it too much. Obviously being fitter is better but it’s almost like I’m expecting a miracle or something, for every ache and pain and general fatigue to go away. It doesn’t take a psychologist to know that this is an attempt to address my own mortality after losing a loved one, but still. Curious what your real life experiences have been. In the past, I would say that I definitely did feel physically different when I was fitter, but I honestly can’t recall if it was a dramatic difference for daily tasks/life or not. I remember the difference being obvious during exercise, but honestly, I have never (as an adult) been fit enough to, say, run a charity 5k with no notice.
I was never ever in shape my whole life, and then decided to get fit before conceiving. I’ve only been working out for about 3 years and I have to say it’s transformed my life and I am so, so glad I started strength training. I have so much more appreciation for the work my body does every day, and I’ve never been more thankful to have strength and mobility. Having the baby, the nurses were telling me post epidural, “oh, you might not be able to walk, it’s not your legs but your glutes are probably still numb and weak.” Nope! hopped right out of bed, 100% strength and mobility. they couldn’t believe how well I was moving all day, post birth. Obviously, having a baby is a big physical challenge, but I’ve noticed it’s easier to carry groceries, carry my son, have more stamina, be less fatigued, and I understand and appreciate how much my strength has helped me avoid injury (slipping in the bathroom and being able to grab and hold myself up, or being able to re-stabilize when wobbly). Getting a personal trainer was the single best financial investment I’ve ever made in myself. All IMO, but I just can’t recommend it enough. And obviously, I am still the weakest/slowest compared to other people, but compared to my past couch potato self, it’s incredible
I’m so glad you had an easy recovery from childbirth, however I want to note that strength has very little to do with how fast your epidural wears off.
Yup!
Agreed. There’s no way being fitter hurt, of course, but there’s been almost no correlation between fitness and birth recovery among the women I know. Tearing, C-section, so many things vary.
Yes, I had a devastating birth injury and my support group included multiple professional class athletes, including an Olympian! It was so surprising because I had been blaming myself, even though I was in good shape. It’s good to be strong and can make so many things easier, but even still, stuff happens that is out of our control.
Two stories.
When I did my birthing classes, there was a couple in the class where the guy was a typical i-banking bro, and his wife was a (gorgeous) incredibly fit Pilates instructor. At one point, early, the midwife was talking about the pain and complications of birth and husband said something like, “Well, obviously, women who are REALLY PHYSICALLY FIT and work out a lot aren’t going to have any issues, RIGHT? RIGHT?” And she just gave him this dead-eyed stare and said, “Birth comes for ALL of us. You can’t escape it by working out.” As a very unfit and overweight pregnant mom in the room, I will always appreciate how direct she was. Side note: while unfit and overweight, I had a very easy birthing experience.
Second story. A few years ago, I had a gastric bypass and lost a very significant number of pounds. I definitely appreciate the way that a smaller mass is easier on my joints, especially my knees. Being in a smaller body is more socially palatable; people are nicer to me when I am smaller than when I was bigger. But 1) being in a smaller, fitter body does not solve all of my problems. I’m still the exact same person I was before. 2) I feel real rage at our society for how we treat people in larger bodies. And 3) weight loss does not change emotional or mental issues. Exercise definitely does – exercise is great for anxiety and depression and a lot of other stuff. But weight loss is not the same as exercise.
I know this is a little off-point from your post. But I see so much magical thinking about how being fitter/smaller/thinner will fix everything, and my direct lived experience is that it changes some things and not others. It’s definitely not magic.
Yeah I was not working out really at all before getting pregnant and had a really easy recovery (including recovery from epidural)… I don’t think this specific thing is necessarily correlated; there’s so much more involved in childbirth and difficulty of recovery and birth trauma.
I wouldn’t say that I’m in, like, absolutely top-notch shape, so I would be curious if the perspective from there is different, but I have improved my physical fitness a decent amount in the last year and a half, and for me the primary impact has been psychological. I still have aches and pains because I’m not young, and I still get fatigued because I’m a full-time working parent and there are not enough hours in the day, but I feel more emotionally centered and less stressed.
Getting your nutrition in check, having enough vitamins/minerals/healthy fats/protein/veggies/etc., will make you feel better faster than just working out. If you’re deficient in something crucial like iron or vitamin D (just as an example), adding more stress to your body in the form of exercise will just tax an already taxed machine. If you’ve got the time and money to spare, go get your bloodwork done, work with a professional to make sure your needs are met. From there, exercise is gravy. Good for you, good to do, and way less of an uphill battle when properly fueled. – Signed, someone who felt BAD while being “fit” but not fed.
Nutrition matters a lot when trying to get back in shape!
Once in a while I track a few days’ of my diet in cronometer to see if my intakes are okay. This is basically the same approach my dietitian took to check intakes.
I can tell you that the difference between “I need to train if I want to finish a 5k” and “I can run a half marathon this weekend because my friends are doing it” is profound.
Energy level, lack of aches and pains, ease of doing things….
OP here and that’s exactly what I’m idealizing – the thought that I could invest in my fitness and climb a mountain just because a friend asked me to. I’ve always skated by with weak to moderate fitness because the things I love to do (like downhill skiing) don’t require me to run for a long time, but as I approach 40, I find myself wanting a more dramatic change.
As someone in my mid 40s, dealing with pretty terrible fatigue from life and from perimenopause, I would be very curious to know if things will be much easier if I were in much better shape than I am
This year I got a Garmin watch and started tracking steps and “intensity minutes.” For me, hitting goals has honestly helped a lot (despite long term medical conditions imposing limits on how well I can feel). Mostly it’s better quality sleep and pain relief for me.
Recommend ROAR the book and yes, being in shape helps nearly everything. It is not a silver bullet but that process is highly and statistically likely to improve your health, wellbeing, mental and physical.
I’ve always been in pretty decent shape and have not noticed a difference between 5k shape and marathon shape in my daily life.
This is interesting – do you do any active sports where you might notice that difference? I could totally see there being diminishing returns for daily life.
I used to exclusively be a runner, and I loved it. I agree that I could not tell the difference in daily life between being in good 5k shape and marathon shape. I’m now only a 5k runner who also lifts heavy weights. And I can absolutely tell a difference between being someone with upper and lower body strength and just being a runner. Being strong and having good cardio is a great combination.
For what it’s worth, I’m 45 years old, have been active since my mid-20s, and haven’t started peri yet.
The biggest marginal benefit is getting to the point where you can run a 10k this weekend (not necessarily a half) because your friends are doing it. Other thresholds are getting to the point where you can lift your luggage into the overhead, and climbing four sets of stairs. You won’t notice as much difference from the “I can run a 10k this weekend” to “I can run an half marathon”.
Is “I can’t lift my luggage into the overhead” normal? I feel like that is essentially disabled or at least deconditioned, assuming an average height. Same with carrying groceries. Like I am often asked if I need help carrying a bag of ice to my car and I’m like “it weighs 10 lbs. Who can’t carry 10 lbs in their hands?” (I can carry 60.) Is my perspective off?
Alas, I was challenged on “lifting my luggage into the overhead bin” on a flight this weekend. I am short (5’0”) and all the aisle seats were filled so it was kind of an up and over lift and I just could not. Someone stepped up and helped me, but I hated that I needed the help.
It makes a big difference in my quality of life. Physically and emotionally I feel so much better when I take care of my body. To name a few things– less heartburn, better sleep and just generally I am a much more positive person.
the sleep is huge for me. Consistent running helps me sleep so much better. I wouldn’t call myself ‘in shape’, and I just run to get a bit of cardio but my speed and performance have been the same for years now.
But the way my sleep quality plummets when I don’t run for 4-5 days is crazy.
This is me.
Energy level generally. Like I’ve been up and down the same 15lbs over the years depending on my commitment level, and when I think about having to carry 3 bags of flour around all day, it’s not surprising to me that I feel better when I’m on the lower end of that range.
There is a big difference between being mostly sedentary and being generally active throughout your day. Also a big difference between doing stretching, mobility, and strength exercises vs nothing. It’s not just how you feel in your body, but also your mental state (at least for me).
What would help is defining what being “fitter” is for YOU. Is it being able to run that 5K? is it finding time for more walk breaks during your day so you hit a certain steps goal? Is it incorporating more stretching into your routine so you feel better in your body? Thinking about a general “being fit” doesn’t really help as much as making specific goals, trying them out, and seeing how you feel.
As someone who is currently in terrible shape, so much. I remember what it was like to be able to walk easily for an hour without pain or have energy after work.
I think you’re over romanticizing it. I’m back to exercising regularly again after getting pretty out of shape when dealing with the worst of a chronic illness. I’m in much better shape, but I’m still tired and achy and in pain all the time and now that I’m in my mid 40s I don’t feel anything like I did when I was running track and cross county in high school. But exercise makes me happy and better to have a base of cardio, strength, and flexibility than not.
+1. I have multiple chronic illnesses/conditions so my ‘in shape’ is not comparable to most people. I’m always going to be achy, tired, and have a pretty high baseline level of pain. However, having a decent level of fitness makes a difference in my mental health and improves my sleep and endurance a fair bit.
This is my experience – sounds like it’s different than a lot of other posters in the thread. I’m in my mid-40s too. I’ve had a very solid exercises routine for the last few years and it’s fun, but life doesn’t feel particularly different.
I took up running in my late twenties as an “I hate this but I want the fitness for other hobbies I enjoy – hiking, skiing, enjoying pickup sports” and for me it was almost three years in that a switch kind of flipped, and I actually enjoy the running now/it feels good. So there was more change than I expected, but on a very long time horizon. I definitely enjoy the feeling of “I can hike all day fast & still feel good” but imo that’s pretty relative: the “spontaneous activity” bar varies a lot by friend group
Aches & pains – not sure there’s actually a net difference here, although of course I don’t know the counterfactual of what I would feel like in my mid 30s without it. More exercise = more opportunity for injury.
Slightly different take: strength and flexibility will matter as you get older, both for aches and pains and for mobility. So whereas I don’t think getting in great shape will offer you the miracle you’re hoping for right now, focusing on how you want to feel/move when you’re in your 70s and 80s is really important, and it’s important to start now.
If you want the miraculous feeling of more energy right now, then focus on consistent and high-quality sleep.
Yeah, I think this is more about the long game. Does it offer some immediate benefits? Absolutely. But the difference in health between the 70somethings who have stayed active and those who haven’t in my life is pretty profound. Obviously there are some outliers, but it’s a pretty obvious difference in most cases.
This. The difference between my inactive 70 yr old parents vs my active 75 yr old MIL is huge.
I want to be going hiking and swimming with my kids and grandkids.
Being active means being able to participate in so many more experiences as you age.
+1000
I saw it in my parents as they aged (one was generally active, though no formal workouts, and the other was sedentary). I also see it in my friend group.
I do legitimately feel better being active, which for me doesn’t necessarily mean being able to run a certain distance without training. I go to group fitness classes 3 days per week and lift heavy 3 days per week. I also aim for 7500 steps per day (usually walking and not all at once!)
This is how I think of it. I exercise and do yoga because I still want to be able to take active vacations when I retire more than for every day benefits now.
Don’t talk yourself out of exercising.
Don’t worry, no risk of that. I had a rough postpartum and I’m finally feeling more like myself and it’s been absolutely wonderful to get back on my bike, but I’m toying with whether I might also want to get a gym membership. I feel so motivated to feel better again after what I went through, but I’m a little concerned about the cost because my job is insecure thanks to Trump. Lots of stuff going on!
I was able to join the city rec center gym for $20/month and at that price point it is 1000% Worth It To Me – it makes me way more likely to do strength training (when my personal preference is cardio) to have all the equipment just there and waiting for me. But same, I was thinking about joining a fancier, $120/month gym with some amenities I’d enjoy and a climbing wall, and with the current economic situation, decided not to.
My feet hurt less in the mornings.
For me it makes a huge difference. Mentally it is so much easier for me to manage daily stressors, and it makes my mood more stable. It also helps me feel better about my body (vanity but yeah, worth it). Physically I have more reserves, can keep up with the fast guys on skis, can say yes to a weekend backpacking trip on no notice, can carry my 3 year old up multiple flights of stairs when he wants to pretend to be a baby. And I know it will help with aging, especially as I see older generations struggle. I’ve made it a really high priority and I hope I can maintain it for as long as possible. I don’t do anything too crazy, just running and strength training, slowly increasing the frequency and intensity over time as my body adjusts.
Can you share what kind of strength training program you follow?
Nothing fancy, and I’m no expert on this. I just started taking group fitness bootcamp/crossfit type classes at a local gym. I was using the peloton app but burned out and needed extrinsic motivation. I aim to go twice/week for an hour. Maybe I’ll increase that at some point but trying to manage the time with running. I also try to do some light core work after my runs but I am not as consistent with that.
I slept a lot better. I tried running for the first time in my life and was excited that I could do it. I had energizer bunny energy and had a hard time sitting still. I read less (I’m a bookworm) see problems sitting still. And every waking moment outside work and sleep was consumed with exercise of some sort. It was like an addiction.
Ultimately, I couldn’t keep up that time commitment. But it was kind of fun while it lasted.
I’m on fitness journey. For me, the upside is kind of easy to miss. Like the sudden realization that I haven’t had an awful knot in my back for a year now, or that I’m generally in a better mood. But man it’s a lot. I lift three time a week run twice and try to get my steps in. Granted I don’t use the closest gym because I’m a princess who likes the fancy amenities but spending 45 minutes to an hour in the gym or walking outside most days is a lot of time for a working mom. It’s truly a priority for me. I sleep like an absolute rock which I realize is a gift in your 40s but man I crash. Like I sometimes go to bed before my older kid. I’m physically tired at the end of the day. I’m sore sometimes. It’s a better tired and a better sore than out of shape can’t sleep sore but life is not all endless energy and bliss. Also the fitness component is separate from the diet component. Yeah sure I eat healthy but to look the way I want I need to actually lose weight which means actually being in a calorie deficit which, forget what anyone tells you, always feels really awful to me. Tired, sore cranky, foggy, ugh literally the worst feeling.
I’m probably never going to be in run anywhere shape because that’s not something I aspire to. But yes, doing some basic level of activity does improve at least the stress level of my life. Yoga definitely helps with better movement in my life. Not losing my breath is better. General fatigue though is challenging because I have a chronic disease and am in perimenopause. That wouldn’t change much with exercise because my disease isn’t driven by weight.
I feel a tangible difference when I’m in shape for sure. Better sleep, better energy. The most critical difference for me is actually the improvement in my mental health. I need regular high heart rate exercise to manage my anxiety. If I go more than a few days without exercising, I can feel that I am more on edge. I also really like being able to lift/carry groceries and other stuff without thinking twice. Once I started getting in better shape, I could easily bust into a jog if I was running late without getting winded. Overall, I just feel better.
Also, I previously had low back problems and would throw out my back to the point of being debilitated regularly. Since starting a regular Pilates routine, my posture has improved and core has gotten stronger, which has prevented any back injuries. Feeling so much better is motivating me to keep up my fitness.
I feel like this is TV nurse gear from my youth; just needs a white skirt, hose, and tie shoes.
This is so different from the A&F of 2002.
I’ve never been able to wear any form of a white blazer in my work life in the finance sector without feeling like I’m cosplaying as a
medical professional.
yep, this was basically my pharmacy tech jacket for years. same reason I can’t do oversize white blazers, I feel like I’m playing doctor.
Wish I had read this before I comment. But I agree.
Asbestos poster from the other day. Testing confirmed asbestos, as we assumed it would.
Although the percentage is not high, the contractors did not properly seal the space and left our vents wide open. This means that our HVAC system was blowing contaminated dust throughout our home for a week while we were gone during the demo. Some of these rooms are carpeted and it’s extremely difficult to clean asbestos out of carpet and soft furniture.
In addition, they cut open what we knew was asbestos siding on our back porch and did not take proper precautions, so the entire back porch is also contaminated.
We are staying in a hotel now. Ducts need to be properly abated ASAP and the flooring on our porch needs to be replaced. It’s possible the carpeting and soft furniture in the other rooms will need to be replaced as well.
I have emails from the contractor from prior to demo assuring us the precautions they’d take. I relied on those assurances and am livid that they did not abide by them. This has come at a considerable financial and emotional cost. I plan on telling the contractors they will foot the bill for the remediation efforts as well as our hotel stay.
Better get a lawyer. You definitely need to replace that soft furniture, unfortunately. How would you ever trust any cleaning job on it when it’s asbestos?
+1. Sorry, OP, but you need to replace absolutely everything and get a great remediation company (who can also help with the replacement recommendations).
Personally, I wouldn’t add the expense of a lawyer. I’d chalk it up to renovation costs. Even done perfectly, you’d probably still be better off in a hotel and replacing furniture. This is why most people move out during major remodels and why many of us say things like “no, don’t put the new rugs in your bedroom before your bathroom is renovated.” Renovations are messy, often unhealthy to live in and this is another reason why they’re expensive.
+1 I used to work on asbestos cases (defense side) and you know what one of the most common exposure fact patterns was? The wife was diagnosed with mesothelioma after washing her husband’s work clothes for decades. He would carry small amounts of fibers in on soft surfaces and she would handle them daily. And that was enough.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
OP here and I read about that. I do think a lot of those cases were different in the sense that he’d come home covered in visible dust, she’d beat the dust out of them before washing, and it occurred over decades.
Our situation is better in that it doesn’t involve new fibers coming home daily. But the real issue is fibers, even “not many” lingering for years and years. There is just no safe amount.
I think if we do not replace the carpeting and soft furniture, I will suffer from anxiety over this. I can’t imagine watching my kids roll around on the carpet and always having “there might be asbestos there” in the back of my mind. Of course that will be very expensive and we spent a large amount of our non-retirement savings on what was supposed to be our dream home renovation, but my sanity and kids’ health are priceless.
I’m so sorry – and you’re right to be livid. I hate to say it, but yes, you need a lawyer and a new contractor (this isn’t an “oops, we dripped paint on the floor”, this is total disregard for basic safety. You can’t trust this guy with the cleanup.)
Please also report this to OSHA asap – the contractor is endangering his workers’ lives.
OP could be responsible for any worker issues, I sure as heck wouldn’t call OSHA on myself.
I would anyway. Which is more important, your potential liability, or the workers actual lives?
Yes because OSHA ain’t gonna save any lives here.
OP here. My issue with firing the contractor is that our home is unusable. The work is the main floor of the house, including the kitchen. The more it’s kept in its current state, the longer this dust continues to stick around. Do I keep the whole family in a hotel for months or weeks until we can find a new contractor to finish? Our current contractor has half our payment (60k/120k).
Your homeowner’s insurance (or the contractor’s insurance) may eventually cover the cost of the hotel stay even for weeks. Look at your policy and call your agent, but I wouldn’t assume that cost is unrecoverable.
I’m way more practical than the advice you’re getting. Dies it suck, yes, does your contractor have some responsibility, sure. But if you want the lowest cost resolution, get an Airbnb or long term housing solution now (honestly I would have done this from the jump) and have your contractor finish the job. And replace any carpets and soft furniture. And call a dust remediation company when it’s done. Chalk it up to a more expensive renovation than you thought. Although this is why the standard is to budget 1/3 more than any estimate. Something always comes up.
Tell me you’re DGAF rich without telling me…
I don’t think this is being out of touch rich. It’s being realistic. A lawyer isn’t going to fix this any faster.
I will add, there’s nothing to stop you from getting a lawyer when it’s over but I wouldn’t let one get in the way of progress now. Same goes for insurance. OP will ultimately be on the hook for much of this and time costs money. I’ve renovated multiple homes and had the range of contractors. There’s an ideal world and the real world wherein insurance denies lots and contractors lack assets. I play in the real world and mitigate my damages.
At least start reaching out to other contractors ASAP. Maybe you can get a new one faster than you think. There might be one who had an unexpected delay on another job or a cancellation.
Get a lawyer.
Agree. Don’t pussyfoot around here.
Source: I am an insurance professional with a long history of work in contractors insurance.
As an attorney who has worked in this space, you are getting some really terrible advice. Talk to a lawyer in your state who can advise you regarding your potential remedies and the best time to raise a claim if warranted.
Also check your homeowner’s policy before you report it. Many (and at this point perhaps even most) have either explicit asbestos exclusions or general pollution exclusions and reporting this would be a great way to get non-renewed.
This is not something to crowd source. Talk to a lawyer ASAP.
Gahh, this blazer in the deep sage color has sat in my cart on and off throughout the last month. I’m trying to forget about it but this isn’t helping! ;)
I just grabbed the sage one.
I like the sage one. The white one looks like a nurse’s uniform.
Has anyone done a pilates class with all the specialized equipment? Did you find it worthwhile or was it something you tried and then moved on?
A local studio offers a beginner’s package of 5 classes for $375 and I’m tempted but it is expensive.
Try a single class first. I hated it and would have been unhappy if I had bought 5.
I recommend trying it and also taking classes with different teachers. Each teacher has their own style and you might like some and hate others.
That’s way too much. Where I live the going rate for Pilates is more like $40-45 per class. An introductory package would be less expensive to get you hooked.
That seems really expensive. One of my local studios was doing a beginner’s promotion (but it was like $50 for 3 classes) and I really loved it. I’ve started doing reformer Pilates at the studio 2-3 times a week since April (up until a recent surgery) and I’ve noticed a difference in my body and how I feel. So I definitely recommend trying an intro promo to see if you like it, but that price seems crazy.
Yeah, definitely try it first to see if you like it. I LOVE Pilates, in all forms.
I live in the most expensive city in the US and none of our studios charge that much. Look for other studios!
If they’re private classes, $375 is a good price. It’s not a good price for a group reformer class, though. I think the reformer is fun, fwiw.
i really like the reformer (much more so than mat pilates) but i wonder if the $375 price includes instruction and help from the teacher? you do need a bit more attention to help do the settings on the reformer and make sure your form is correct.
If it is individual instruction with a true Pilates teacher, who is fully trained in the full system, that is a fair price. If not, you are overpaying, even though it still may be the “going rate.”
I did a private lesson on the reformer with a friend who is training to be an instructor. I loved it because I love my friend and we had fun. But as far as fitness I can’t see it as anything but an adjunct to strength training and cardio. It wouldn’t be the first thing I’d prioritize unless it really appealed to me more than those other two. FWIW it costs north of 100 bucks a session for private lessons in my fancy area. Mine was free because my friend is training. She’s the first to admit her amazing body comes from weights; not Pilates.
My boyfriend and I have an appointment to look at rings next week (exciting! I’m mid-30s and was forever single for most of my adulthood so this still feels unreal to me). Two questions, one small and one big: what do you wish you’d known before buying a ring that presumably you’ll wear consistently for decades? And what do you wish you’d thought about or known before you got engaged?
That you can have multiple rings and this isn’t your only shot. Also, you can reset your rings. All to say, get what you like and it doesn’t have to be what you wear for the rest of your life. I’m team same guy, many many rings.
Your husband has to be on the same page about this. Mine’s philosophy is “one ring to rule them all, no resetting.”
Yikes.
Why is that yikes? He bought the ring with the expectation that it would be The Ring.
I feel the complete opposite
same ring, many guys?
Ha!!
I feel like a wedding band should be forever, but engagement ring doesn’t need to be.
I feel this way, but of course I got a wedding band that is hard to resize (fully engraved on all surfaces), and of course my joints are starting to grow.
lol that’s the one I change up the most!
Me too. I have two different rings I currently wear as my wedding band. Sometimes I stack them. Sometimes it’s one or the other. Neither of them are the one I got married with! My daughter has that now.
I’m married to my husband, not the ring. Fingers change (ask me how I know) and tastes change. You can absolutely change up your wedding ring. It doesn’t mean you’re not committed to your marriage. That is just silly nonsense.
same! 18 years with same guy, on the third ring re-set/change. I’ve loved each one and they’ve each been perfect for that stage of life.
Hear hear! I’m on my fourth ring. No hard feelings! My daughter just took my original ring as her wedding ring. Married 25+ years.
Your weight will likely fluctuate especially if you have kids, if you get a ring with stones all the way around, they are very hard to resize (this was more for my wedding band which i should’ve gotten a bit larger – and then they can put a little metal piece inside to make it fit properly). I’m also very very glad that my engagement ring doesn’t sit too high up so it doesn’t catch a lot on things. I still get compliments on my ring from strangers from time to time. Go with what you like. And what you might like in a picture might not be what you like on your hand
If I were getting engaged now and wanted a diamond, I would get a lab-created one. I don’t see any downsides to them.
Yes. Either lab or estate jewelry.
I would one million percent get lab grown and get a big ol’ rock today.
+1
Same here.
If you get a gold ring, make sure it is thick enough so that it doesn’t bend through normal use and won’t get worn through from the gradual wear it will incur over decades. My sister’s very thin ring bent after less than a year for this reason.
+1 I bought a refurbished gold antique engagement ring from a local reputable jeweler. The inside of the ring is only about 2mm wide. It cracked in this weaker spot after about 8 years of wearing while picking up my toddler a couple of weeks ago. I wish I had picked a ring that was thicker all the way around.
I’m sure I can take it in and get it fixed. I just wish I had known upfront that it was likely to facture that way and I didn’t really want an engagement ring that fragile.
I’m really glad my wedding and engagement ring sit flush against each other.
Also, my engagement ring is a bit flashy, so I like having a plain wedding band. It’s comfortable to wear all the time and I don’t worry about it while traveling. I do think pave bands are really pretty, but I’ll likely get one for a future milestone.
And lastly…don’t stress too much! I didn’t even try on rings before getting mine lol but I love it because it’s mine and it reminds me of my husband :)
Classic shapes and simple bands are less likely to feel dated. I went with a round solitaire on a plain platinum band, and still love it almost 20 years later; I don’t feel like it screams “I was a mid 2000s bride”
If you go with a natural diamond, my order of priority for the 4 C’s were cut (sparkle), carats (size), color, and clarity. There is an inclusion in my ring that you can see with the naked eye if you look at it from underneath… but no one is doing that. Some cuts are less forgiving on clarity than others are – like an emerald cut you really need a clean stone.
Try on your engagement ring with wedding bands to see what you like post-marriage! I wanted the two bands to nest next to each other (not have a gap), but also wanted to be able to wear my wedding ring alone (i.e., not have a cut out or curve that only works when both rings are worn together), and so my engagement ring diamond’s mount is high enough to allow clearance for the wedding band to fit.
As far as practical – you get used to having it on and not banging it on things IMHO. I avoided an eternity band style (did a “half” eternity for my wedding band) so I could have the rings resized easily if needed, and I preferred the smooth feeling of metal on the inside of my hand/fingers vs. having stones and prongs all the way around.
+1 All of this. I was back and forth on styles, but have a round solitaire with six prongs on a plain, sturdy band and I adore it. I love it more every year. I’ve worn it nearly 24/7 for 14 years and it’s held up.
Mine is .9 carat so it doesn’t get in the way of daily living (also price goes way up after a whole carat) and has an inclusion that is hidden by a prong unless you are really looking. My band has small diamond chips on the top half for a good mix of sparkle and practicality
That it’s just a ring and you may not even want to wear it daily as time goes on. I have a beautiful solitaire classic engagement ring and I just wear my band most days because I have little kids and am active and can’t be bothered to wear both rings (plus engagement ring sort of gets in the way). If you have to balance your budget, I would save some for a more substantial wedding band (I have an eternity band with fairly large diamonds) because you will likely wear that the most.
Also, I have an eternity band with stones all the way around. I much prefer it to one with stone only on top because they spin and you’ll constantly be fixing it. Yes, my ring size went up a half size after kids and I just had the stones re-set in the same exact style band. Not that big a deal.
This is probably one of those things you get used to and end up preferring whatever you have. I have diamond chips inset on just the top half of my wedding band, and at first I was bothered by the spinning, but my finger seems to have molded to my ring or something by now, lol, and it rarely spins. Sometimes in winter when my finger shrinks, but really nbd. And I’m SO glad not to have diamonds on the bottom half; I am also active with little kids and can imagine how dirty the ones on the underside would get. Plus I like the sleek look of two plain metal bands on that side
Wishes I thought about or known before getting engaged:
The complete 180 that some men can do once you’re married.
My pragmatic advice for anyone who is contemplating getting engaged: take a long, hard look at the marriages that your SO’s friends and family have. It isn’t just quality of marriage; it is the basics of it.
It hits twice: on a deep level, his family and friends are what he will think of as “normal,” and they are the ones who will be advising him when you two hit a rough patch.
He may start aping what his friend and family do in their own marriages, even though it makes no sense for you two.
People normally give advice from their own experiences and biases, and if their experiences are radically different from yours, you’re in a for a rough ride.
I learned this the hard way. Good news is, my divorce should be final soon.
Get a lab grown diamond. The only argument for a mined diamond is it has better resale value, but it’s still a small fraction of the original cost. Do some research on the cuts you like to find out which C’s are most important (ex: Clarity matters more for an emerald cut than a crushed ice cushion). I’m very happy I got a cathedral setting and a gallery rail- it’s more secure when your hand bumps into things. Make sure the band is at least 1.8mm. Anything thinner is prone to warping or breaking. Go to a local jeweler for the best price and quality. If it’s a chain that runs TV ads you’re overpaying and Brilliant Earth is known for horrific quality and customer service. I’m happy I went with pave only halfway around the band. The center stone keeps the ring from rotating too far so you can’t see diamonds on the back anyway.
Try on as much as you can. You may be surprised at what looks good on your hand. And frankly it’s just fun to try on rings. Take lots of photos and annotate them with the specs.
We recently got engaged and I absolutely love my ring. I’m very happy that it is not a diamond and I’ve gotten many compliments on it. You don’t have to go the traditional route but I’d research durability in terms of stone and setting. Don’t just get something you love without factoring in wear and tear from wearing it everyday.
Especially if you don’t wear rings with stones a lot, think carefully about how high or poky a setting you want — I have a vintage ring with a quite high setting and I hate how much my ring can catch on things. I also fiddle with it. I also inherited a ring from my grandmother that’s beautiful but has a setting that tends to catch on everything (I’ve ripped tights) so I don’t wear it much. If I were to choose a ring now, I’d choose something low profile because I’d be likely to wear it more frequently.
I’d look into having it redone.
Yeah I have a family solitaire that I can’t wear without poking myself or getting it snagged on things, so I never take it out even though it’s beautiful–my now-husband knew that from listening to me swear at the danged thing ever time I put it on. My engagement ring is a very low-profile pear.
Unlike some other folks, I ended up with a wedding band that is not flush against my engagement ring. It’s got a slight curve so it looks intentional with the pear, but I wanted something I could wear on its own without my engagement ring. Don’t feel locked into buying the band that’s part of the same set as your engagement ring.
I love my low profile rings. If I had to do it all again I’d get a lab grown marquise set low in a band, east-west style.
That it’s just a ring and you may not even want to wear it daily as time goes on. I have a beautiful solitaire classic engagement ring and I just wear my band most days because I have little kids and am active and can’t be bothered to wear both rings (plus engagement ring sort of gets in the way). If you have to balance your budget, I would save some for a more substantial wedding band (I have an eternity band with fairly large diamonds) because you will likely wear that the most.
Agree with the advice to try on a lot of rings because you may end up liking something that wasn’t even on your radar. My husband wanted matching wide wedding bands and I fell in love with an engagement ring with a pretty large setting that wouldn’t really work with the wedding band. After some noodling around we came up with: Oh! I have two hands! I can wear the engagement ring on my right hand after we’re married! Which is what I do and it’s been fine.
don’t get a curved wedding band!! I got one — i really didn’t think about the wedding band, the whole focus is on engagement rings after all — and now I never wear my engagement ring and i feel dumb with my curved wedding band. (i never wear the engagement ring because a) it’s emerald cut which i love but does get dirty very quickly, b) it’s only 1 carat which was cute when i was 29 and a size 4 but now that i’m 48 and a size 14 is less cute) and c) the prongs holding the emerald kept getting loose and snagging stuff… we’ve had it fixed multiple times over the years. at this point i’m thinking i’ll get a bigger lab diamond at some point but at this point it’s kind of meh.
I wanted (and received) a really simple ring and am still glad I got the one I wanted.
I wish someone had told me that every.single.person you know or meet will probably have Very Strong Opinions about what should happen at your wedding. You don’t have to do ANY of these things, and that doesn’t make you a bad person. A wedding is legal and/or religious ceremony and then a party.
It goes like this
1) when are you getting engaged?
2) when are you getting married?
3) when are you going to have a baby?
4) when are you going to have another baby?
5) don’t you think it’s time to stop having so many babies?
I’m applying for an internal leadership development program and most of the application is done, but I am stuck on the first question: “Why are you interested in the program, and what do you hope to get out of your participation?” Like, I want to grow as a professional and demonstrate my commitment to growth, it’s not that deep. Suggestions?
Just say that!
Put that into chat gpt and get ideas. You’re already in corporate speak land, go all the way.
Hmm, I feel like you’re saying with great hope/enthusiasm, “this is garbage, but it could be a steaming dumpster fire.”
It depends on whether the application matters. Is someone actually going to read it, and take action on it? (ie the instructor actually cares about your goals and can/will tailor the class towards it; or the application is actually competitive & what you. write has a real impact on whether you get in). If it’s just a random hoop some hr person put in that will never see the light of day… chatgpt away. Put in whatever buzzword of the day your leadership likes most too.
Be as specific as possible—what topics do you want to study, what skills do you want to develop, what position do you want to acquire. Vagueness is not your friend here.
If the instructor were to read this and tailor the lessons to you specifically, what would you want her to know?
I used to evaluate and mentor people in our leadership program. Your not too-deep-explanation would have been perfectly fine for me, though I can’t speak for anyone else.
Hmm I said that as my team was growing I wanted to learn more strategies and best practices to manage each person. And think through scenarios that may come up. Something like that.
Agree. I would not go overboard but would include something that indicates how I hope my participation will help me further the company’s objectives, not just describe what I want out of it.
I posted a couple weeks ago about needing to get clothing for a job interview. I had the interview on Monday. I took some suggestions and thrifted white slacks (Lane Bryant) and a green jacket with bracelet-length sleeves (Chicos), then added a black shell with rainbow stripes (Torrid) that I already had. I felt very comfortable and confident, and I felt like I had a really good interview. I should hear early next week.
Hoping for good news for you, fellow KS person <3
Has anyone ever bought fine jewelry from Overstock? I am giving myself a milestone gift and I found a jewelry set at Belk that I love. The set is originally $2,275 and is on sale at Belk for $680. However, the exact same set is on Overstock for $500. Should I be wary of buying from Overstock or go for it?
Depends. If I could see it in person at Belk I’d do that. If both options are online only, check which has easier return policies. Otherwise I’d be OK buying from overstock.
Posting here because wedding forums are not relatable to me. My fiance and I are getting married later in the year, and my aunt graciously offered to throw me a bridal shower. She can host about 30 people, which for me is perfect. Its my local family, family friends and girlfriends, and my fiance’s mother, 2 sisters, 1 sister-in-law, and grandmother. My future mother-in-law is flabbergasted that we aren’t inviting his extended female relatives (I’m talking aunts, great-aunts, cousins, cousins’ wives…which adds up to 75 people. 75!!) Plus my side, that would be a 100-person shower. After she got over her shock, my FMIL did offer to throw us a shower for her side of the family, but keeps making comments about how my family is so rude and out of touch for not inviting the entire extended family. (All these people are invited to the wedding). Am I out of touch or is she?
I… wow. This is very cultural but in my background the person hosting the shower sets the parameters for who is invited, and typically would not invite people they don’t personally know – so if *your* aunt is hosting the shower she would not invite your fiancé’s relatives. Someone on the fiancé’s side can host a shower if they want.
No one is out of touch. You just have different family and cultural expectations about how these things work. One possible way to get through it would be to say something like, “Hi, FMIL, I know there was some frustration over the size of the wedding shower. I think my family might just have a different set of traditions around these kinds of events than yours does. I’m so grateful that you’ve offered to do a second shower to include all of your relatives. And I wondered if you could help me understand what you are envisioning. What was your shower like? What are some of the traditions in your family about these kind of events?” If you’re feeling brave, you could even ask about other family events – the wedding itself, baptisms, baby showers, Christmases, whatever. My MIL can get comfortable with all sorts of different approaches to these events, but what she loves most of all is getting a chance to tell me what her family tradition is and having a sense that I value her family traditions in addition to mine. (This all presumes you have a reasonably good relationship, to be clear.)
this is GREAT advice.
+1. Hopefully the rude comments will stop when you remind her that her family’s traditions aren’t any more “right” than yours.
Spinning it into productive conversation is a great idea. A wedding is often the first time a matriarch is confronted with the truth that she’s no longer part of the decision making generation. This can be a tough adjustment. She might relax if she thinks you’re open to combining traditions.
“Out of touch” isn’t a relevant yardstick here, because there isn’t One Right Way to do a wedding shower. You are both in touch with what is normal for your family / social settle / culture — or wherever your views of normal are coming from. It’s just that you have different norms and expectations from the other person. I would fall in with her plans for a larger shower for her side of the family, because having all the relatives involved is important to her (and perhaps them)?
Is she literally saying to you, “Your family is rude”? If so, that’s the bigger issue, because it means she doesn’t rein in what she says and freely verbalizes judgments. So that’s going to be an issue for the rest of your married life — she’ll likely have Opinions on a variety of things, and you’ll need to learn how to respond/not respond to them.
Also, since there are 75 women in this extended family group, are you marrying into a very large family that has a distinct family culture with a lot of norms that are going to be different from yours? If so, that’s something you’ll need to learn to navigate as well.
Can you suggest that your future MIL or someone on her side of the family can host a second shower for your fiancé’s extended relatives?
I wasn’t sure what to do at first because I was raised that someone offers to throw you a shower, and the bride doesn’t ask for one. When she offered, I thanked you profusely, but can’t get over the rude remarks about my family’s “Lack of manners”.
Only invite people who are invited to the wedding.
They are all invited to the wedding, which is in the original post.
Your MIL’s side of the family can host its own shower if that’s important to her!
Even 20+ years ago, I had multiple wedding showers, with a different group of people at each. The only overlap was my sisters, mom, MIL, and grandma.
Does it matter? You don’t need to decide who is right (you) you just need to decide what to do (you have) and do it (you are). Accept or decline her bridal shower as you wish, personally I would say sure if you want to throw me a party with presents I will show up!
Having more than one shower for different groups is really common. I vastly prefer it that way as a guest – a shower with 100 people, just opening the gifts takes like 2 hours, and is boring for 99% of that time.
I’m going to split from commenters saying there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ here (only differing family traditions) and say that FMIL is out of touch. The group you described inviting is more or less the level of “closeness” of the guests at 99% of the bridal showers I’ve been to. I would never expect to be invited to my husband’s cousin’s fiance’s bridal shower and frankly would find it weird if I was, unless I happened to be close to the bride (you don’t intimate that this is the case).
Even if it were rude, which it is not, she’s rude to keep commenting on it.
She is out of touch. This isn’t going to de escalate by itself so you need to nip it in the bud now. It’s going to go WAY beyond bridal showers if you let it.
This is primarily a job for your fiance. He needs to be the one corralling his family.
That said I would not entertain one more obnoxious comment about your side of the family. If she says your family is rude, tell her it’s incredibly rude of her to say that.
Shut it down every time and do not let the conversation go farther.
This is giving scrubs.
I have a beach vacation in a few weeks and I realized I will be on my period during the trip. Yikes. I’ve heard menstrual cups are really great to use when traveling. I have never tried one before, but I’m willing to give it a shot. What brands have you used & liked? Do you prefer them to tampons? How hard was it to figure out?
I’ve been using a diva cup since 2009 and there are a lot more options on the market now, but I would never go back to tampons for active days. There’s a bit of a learning curve but it’s really not that bad.
I’ve also been using a Diva cup since 2008 or so. I get much less cramping with a menstrual cup than with tampons. I love that on medium and light days I can wear it for up to 12 hours at a time. This is especially handy when traveling, but make sure you are going somewhere with potable water.
If you are interested, it took me 1-2 cycles to get completely used to it. I use either period underwear or panty liners as backup (extremely heavy flow). There is some suction with menstrual cups, so if you wear an IUD that is something to consider. You must make sure to break the suction seal before you remove it. There are some good Youtube videos on “folds” to help with insertion. I love my cup so much and will never go back. I tried the disc but it didn’t work as well for me.
I tried a menstrual cup and just could not figure it out. A menstrual disc, on the other hand — life changing. So much easier to use. I got it about 90% right on my first try, and after that it just took a little tweaking to get it in the right position every time. I like it equally or slightly better than tampons. Only con is that it needs to be cleaned twice a day, but it isn’t a big deal. Mine is Flex brand.
there’s a disposable one called Instead you can get if you don’t want to commit. insertion is easy.
I just… use t.mpons?
Great! OP is asking about pros and cons of trying a cup compared to tampons. Do you have any thoughts to add to that aspect of her comment?
I was always a tampon user until I started using a Diva cup around 2008 and I would never go back. I find it to be more convenient and comfortable than tampons.
I wouldn’t try new-to-me approach on a beach vacation. Like, high stakes time to realize the one you picked doesn’t fit you well, or that the bathrooms at the pool at your resort only have public sinks, or whatever. Try it at home first!
She can try them before she leaves, though. You don’t have to be on your period to try to fit them and see if it’s comfortable.
This is what I don’t understand–how on earth do you clean a cup in a public restroom or a shared bathroom, like in a dorm? And what happens if it leaks? That could be catastrophic.
Loved my cup but also would not try for the first time while on a beach vacation. The first one I got was not a good fit. The second one I tried fit comfortably but leaked. The third one was the charm, although I had to practice for several cycles how best to insert to prevent leaks.
In a public restroom, I would wash my hands before going in the stall, then would just dump in the toilet, reinsert, wipe up, then go wash my hands. I didn’t worry about rinsing the cup every time. Never had issues.
ime when it leaks, it’s not catastrophic, like the whole contents dumping out at once, it’s more like a tampon that soaked through. On heavy flow days I like to supplement with a liner or period panties for peace of mind. ymmv of course but for me leakage has been on par with any other method. Keeping the little holes unplugged is critical.
Yes! I so love not having to remember tampons. I just got a random brand off Amazon and it is fine. If you can use a tampon you can figure it out, very easy learning curve.
I switched to a cup & have not found them hard to figure out. I would do a test run ahead of time though. Downside for traveling is that it can be messier to change than a tampon and a private sink is nice. (That said, I do empty mine in public bathrooms & find it’s ok to just use tp to wipe clean/pee on my fingers a little, and then I wash it with soap morning & evening). Upside is the much smaller packing size, especially if I’ll be in a place where tampons aren’t available and therefore need to carry them the whole trip, not just buy locally when needed.
yeah I’ve tried several cups and discs and its just been a messy expensive disaster. Maybe I’ve got a wierd shape. Birthed 2 children and no doc has said anything though. I would not try these out on vacation. more like a week of WFH experiment.
Are you familiar with your body and comfortable with gardening and tending to your own patch? Cups really aren’t that complex and the only reason I can think people might have difficulty is because they aren’t familiar with what they have going on.