Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Straight Everywhere Ponte Ankle Pant
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’ve been wearing the heck out of a few pairs of Banana Republic pants lately, and I’m thinking that these straight-leg ponte pants might be the next addition to my collection.
Sure, I love a wide-leg pant made from a lightweight, flowy fabric for the weekends, but for the office I’m looking for something a little more substantial, preferably with just a touch of stretch — and even better still if they’re a pull-on style. (Too many years of leggings have ruined zippers and buttons for me.)
These ankle pants would look great with a summer blouse and some loafers for an easy, business casual outfit.
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I think these pants would make my legs look really short. More tapered ankle pants also made my legs look shorter.
I like pants like this, mostly because I have good shoes, and pants like this let me highlight those as the most interesting part of my outfit. I am never going to look long-legged at 5’4″, though proportionally I am.
I always find this length of wide-leg pants stumpifying on me (5’9 long-waisted pear) but our petite elementary school principal looked great in them with cute shoes the other day. I think you might be on to something.
Petite people often look best with wrists and ankles exposed.
+1
Thank you! As a petite person I’ve always felt that was the case, but the conventional wisdom seemed to be that shorter pants “cut you off” or make you look “stumpy”.
I find that pants long enough to have a break, or sleeves that go past my wrist bone, make it look like the garment is too long/big for me, and thus doesn’t fit, so it looks less polished.
I’ve tried this line of pants from BR and they were glorified yoga pants. Did not flatter me – size I usually wear way too tight, the next up too big. I can’t imagine wearing these to the office.
These yoga-pants-but-not styles are so deeply unflattering on me, every time. Maybe it’s because I have muscular quads, but I don’t feel like I’m fooling anyone into thinking they’re actual dress pants.
Seems like an unpopular opinion in these parts, but ponte is a terrible fabric. It looks cheap, always.
I don’t like straight cut pants as they’re really hard to pair with shoes without looking awkward and stumpy. A slight flare or trouser leg I find much easier!
+1, and this doesn’t seem to be a popular opinion!
I bought similar pants from the gap and had to return them. I have yet to find a pair of ponte pants that looks work-appropriate from the back. I’d need to wear a butt-covering top, but being short, I find those proportions unflattering on me. It’s a bummer because they’re comfortable and look so great on these models!
I associate this pant length with the “junior associate 20.” Everyone gained weight their first year in biglaw. Back in ye olden times of ~2010, women’s pants were tailored to heel height so we could just wear lower heels if we gained enough to make our pants ride up a little. No such luck for the men. They’d all be walking around with slightly rounder midsections/hips and too-short pants.
Isn’t that about when the young men started hemming their pants too short on purpose? Although it’s mostly just the skinny young men with the super tight suits who do that.
Men’s trousers are designed so a tailor can take them in or out. No such luck for women.
I’ve been on the board of a volunteer organization for the past few years (think rotary club/chamber of commerce/community business association kind of thing).
Over the last few months governance has become a bit of a shambles. Personality conflicts and catty comments, directors getting into the weeds of operations and giving conflicting direction to office staff, long meetings full of tangents with the chair making no effort to get us back on track etc.
I could just bear with it until new directors join the board, or peace out and spend my time elsewhere. But I (unfortunately?) have a ‘try to fix things’ personality.
What works to turn down the drama on volunteer boards? How do you make everyone feel heard and valued but also get people to focus on getting stuff done?
I think you need an outside consultant or mediator.
+1 one who specializes in board governance
I don’t volunteer for chaos, there’s enough things going on that I would just drop out. I’d also be concerned about liability from a messy org like that as a director, even if there’s insurance. Pass.
It’s tough, even as chair. You have to let people speak enough to feel heard but you’ve got to shut it down when it gets to be too much. Then people think you’re playing favorites.
Avoid interjecting to play peacemaker during meetings. It usually just makes the meeting take longer because both sides will be all, no that’s not what I meant! You have to be really selective if you’re going to step into the middle of something. It’s usually faster to just let them hash it out.
How soon are there new directors? Are the pot-stirring directors going away?
If it’s not long, I’d probably let it ride until there are new people in place.
However I have no qualms about calmly calling fellow board members out on their bs during meetings. I approach it from an attitude of assuming good intentions – even if I’m doubtful or annoyed of their intentions, because it’s way more effective in changing the energy in the room. My career has gone a long way in a very male dominated space by being proficient in the art of speaking bluntly and forcefully without causing offense. Basically you say the thing that everyone wants to say in the room, without taking over, but you do it with a tone of understanding vs. annoyance, with the full intention of moving forward to a decision. Idk if that makes sense but it really works for me, maybe too well because there’s a few times that people have asked me to attend meetings for committees having a lot of drama because I can get them to move forward.
OP mentions staff, so I don’t think waiting it out is a good idea, unless you want to lose your staff.
If you have just a few months until a leadership change, I’d let it ride. If it’s longer, I’d try and put a hard cap on comments at meetings and lean heavily into rules/procedure.
I am going to a birthday party with a Kentucky derby theme for attire. I usually wear jeans on weekends and business casual for work, so I don’t have any idea what to wear. Can anyone here give some general suggestions on the type of clothing I should look for? If I don’t own anything I will go check out the thrift store. Thank you!
This is an opportunity for a fabulous hat, so check the thrift store for some kind of fascinator. If you’re crafty, you could make yourself some kind of headpiece. That, any sundress and heels and you’re good to go.
Floral dress and a fascinator! (You can use headband, and buy a silk flower at Michael’s, to make your own)
Floral dress or sundress. Super feminine.
Your description of your closet approximates mine – I’m ready to either go to the office or work in the yard.
Dress and fascinator or hat. The more fun your headwear, the less you need to buy an actual new dress for the occasion. Like to shop my closet I would pick a navy cotton sheath from my workwear, and style it more “fun” with espadrilles and a fluffy fascinator.
I am not crafty for something like this, nor would I want to wear a headpiece from a thrift store. Amazon sells facinators as does Etsy if you have time to wait.
This. I bought a hair clip fascinator for a 20s party. I’ve worn it several times now for a Gatsby work event and a derby afternoon gathering. It’s the sort of thing that doesn’t take up a lot of space, so I think it’s worth owning (I believe it was about $10 on Amazon). For attire, I would wear a floral dress or cotton one if I owned one. If you do decide to shop, I love the bold prints from Sugarlips. I get a ton of use out of one of my midi dresses from them for summer dinners, birthdays, and vacations. I could probably even wear it as a summer wedding guest depending on the wedding.
I keep getting ingrown hairs on my legs. It is both gross and a little painful at times. What’s the solution here? Shave more often? I always exfoliate before shaving and use a shaving cream. (Can I just say that body hair maintenance is one of the worst things about warmer weather? My skin is light and my hair is coarse and dark, so “not caring” is not an option.)
Sounds like you need an after shave product. I like tend skin
Try a chemical exfoliant like glycolic acid (AHA).
You could try moisturizing with an exfoliating lotion as well – CerVe SA, for instance.
Agree. Specifically, I am an AmLactin fan. No more ingrowns and it completely cured my keratosis pillaris (red bumps on backs of arms.)
Consistency is key. Use it every time you get out of the shower. It’s not a one and done kind of thing.
I had the same problem and ended up getting laser hair removal. Highly worth it! It’s very effective for light skin / dark hair
I may consider this more seriously but feel like I’ve missed my window for getting it done this year.
Not necessarily. I mean, the hair won’t be gone for this summer, but you could start.
I have the same situation as you (dark hair and pale skin). Laser was life-changing, but in the meantime I found that using conditioner (cheap Suave stuff) was better than shaving cream. I also wash my legs before AND after shaving with an antibacterial soap (I have Lever bar soap). That seemed to help with the itchiness and redness.
Those are good ideas; thank you.
You’re supposed to shave the day before your laser appointment. It isn’t like waxing where you have to let your hair grow out
cosign. it is life changing. But you can’t have any sun exposure after so fall/winter is better.
I tried laser hair removal and had a terrible skin reaction, like the worst razor burn I’ve ever had. YMMV of course!
After my first session, my legs looked like I had walked through a field of cacti, but it faded by the end of the day. Wasn’t nearly as bad in subsequent sessions.
I have very dark hair and pale skin. Laser hair removal is one of the best things I’ve done.
I switched from shaving cream to shower oil and it’s been much better for my skin. I use the shower oil from L’Occitane but I’m sure others would be fine too. When traveling, I would use conditioner in lieu of shaving cream and that worked pretty well too.
I use shave oil, as well. Tree Hut has been great for me. Legs, underarms and bikini area, and I never get ingrown when I use it.
Alternatively, try using cheap hair conditioner. I have had good results with that when I’ve been out of shaving cream.
I found that switching from shaving to waxing changed the texture of my body hair. I went from having thick, dark hair under my arms to soft and light hair (like a man’s –they don’t shave there). I also don’t have to get waxed nearly as often as when I shaved. Like, I can go weeks.
Has anyone used at at-home laser hair remover on their upper lip? Good success? Painful? Any specific product recs?
I don’t experiment on my face, which everyone sees every day. Go to a pro.
At home they will be IPL devices instead of laser. Success probably depends on your skin tone and hair type. I haven’t done my lip but the Braun device has been very successful for me on my legs, feet, and underarms.
On a scale of 1-10, how bad is it to open your car door a bit too wide and bump car next to you? No damage or ding. I’d rate it at a 4, to be avoided and owing an apology and a close look. Lady next to me this morning acted like it was an 11. 🙁
gently because car doors have natural resting points and it swung out a little bit after you let go? Like a 2. At most.
This.
This. If even a 2.
I file it under “if it’s the worst thing that happens to me that day, I’m lucky.”
10. This infuriates me. Please be more careful. I go out of my way to be mindful of spacing where I park and that my door doesn’t touch another car.
My aunt did this when getting out of my car over a decade ago. Luckily she didn’t leave a mark on the other car but I lost my mind at her. Be considerate. Care about other people’s property.
You lost your mind over something that had no consequences? It’s just a car. Do you lose your mind every time someone bumps into you?
yeah as long as you’re not being super careless (like flinging the door open in a tight parking garage) this is just normal human accidental behavior. Of course best to be cautious but ish happens.
Like, we live in a city and if I freaked out over a slight possibility of a nick in the paint, I would need to be sedated regularly.
I sure did. I would have been less furious if she’d risked my car. It’s out of bound to risk someone else’s. She could have easily gotten out of the car without touching the car next to us. That’s her responsibility.
This is so interesting because it seems to me like you care more about a stranger’s car than your aunt’s feelings.
Yes. Her feelings do not trump the care she owes other people’s property.
You seem very unpleasant.
You are certifiable.
Furious? Lost your mind? Out of bounds? You sound like an abusive person. Be considerate of other people’s feelings. How is it acceptable to berate a family member over an accident that literally was harmless. Are you not human? Have you never made a mistake?
You need to find real things to worry about. This is ridiculous.
“It’s just a car” is the right attitude when it’s your car and not someone else’s. Otherwise, yes, you try to be careful about how you park and open gently.
+1
If there’s no damage or ding, why does it result in losing one’s mind?
To answer OP, for me, this is extremely low, like 2/10. I do my best not to, but if there’s a gentle touch without damage or paint transfer, I don’t feel like it’s something to grovel over.
I’m not at a 10 but I’m definitely more in the 7-9 range versus a 4. Avoidable and careless errors that could have annoying lasting impacts even if minor are far more irritating than true fluke / accidental events.
I agree with this. We make enough mistakes entirely on accident or with things outside of our control. Why make mistakes because you can’t be bothered to be careful?
I agree with this. It’s important to take a moment to consider others and their property as you interact with the world. It’s like people who shove their chair back into someone walking past at a restaurant – probably not going to put them in the hospital, but something very easily avoided with two seconds of care.
Even if you are very careful, you are still going to bump into people and things from time to time.
If the other person saw you were being careful, I truly don’t they would be losing their mind. Flung open the door and hit them? Yes, you are in the wrong. (And trying to defend it hours later on a fashion blog pretty much says where things fell.)
No, no it does not say “where things fell.” There is ZERO reason to conclude that OP flung the door open and hit them. There’s a third possibility you’re not considering: the other person didn’t see OP being careful/not being reckless because they weren’t paying attention until they felt a tap. And then they went nuts, because apparently this is the greatest offense.
This is supposed to be a blog for high achieving women and yet the critical thinking skills are just not there.
You need to chill. No damage or ding? And you lost your mind?
In my experience, people who get that upset over trivialities are sublimating something bigger.
I’ve never seen the word sublimating used like that, although I know what it means in the chemical sense.
This has to be satire. Nothing you as utilitarian as a vehicle deserves to be babied. Get over yourself and your dumb car.
That’s the point. It isn’t her dumb car, it’s someone else’s dumb car.
And at the end of the day it’s still just a dumb car.
Jesus. A mistake was made. You sound unhinged.
People are more important than your car. If it is that precious, put it in a museum.
This seems awfully harsh for a mistake!
OP, I agree that an apology and a close look are sufficient.
(I meant this for the poster who lost her mind at her aunt)
It depends. There are a lot of parking lots that are so tight that if person next to you is parked anything less than perfectly, it’s literally impossible to get out of the car without gently bumping them. As long as you’re careful, you shouldn’t do any damage and I’d rate that a 0. In a wide open parking lot where you throw open the door hard and carelessly and actually dent the other car and then leave without a note, it’s worse (not sure what the scale is, I think I’d reserve above a 5 for more serious damage than a dent or actually hurting or killing a person!)
Killing a person is…above a five.
In that case I’d save the 11 for whoever set up the parking lot.
cars have gotten huge in the last 15 years. If the garage was planned before then, the blame isn’t solely on the planner. It’s hilarious to see oversized trucks in the ‘compact’ spots.
I park in a garage in my apartment building that is sized for normal cars. The people in the spot on my right just got a BMW X7, which is so so so big. They also park sloppy (and did before with their smaller car) and are constantly on the line, sometimes an inch or two over the line. Even with a sedan on my other side (I also have a sedan), I can’t swing my doors open all the way. We always get out on the sedan side, or have the front passenger get out before we pull in. The giant SUV park ms facing forward (so the driver’s door is right next to my car) and I examine my doors every time I get in my car for scratches because it’s inevitable they are going to scratch my car. I honestly don’t understand why they had to get a car that enormous when they know they park in a garage sized for sedans. Our previous parking neighbor also had a giant SUV and scratched the heck out of our car and wouldn’t admit it (we didn’t notice it right away because we were away on vacation and the video was supposedly gone by then) and it cost a ton of money to get it repainted.
So for me this is a 10 because I’m constantly on edge about it. But I recognize that this is a personal problem.
This really annoys me, too, as someone who used to park next to a lifted (!!) pickup truck that always parked over the line into my spot in an underground tight garage. Buy a car that fits the spot it’ll be parking in.
4? It’s not the end of the world since there was no damage, but not great since it’s totally avoidable if you pay a little more attention. If there’s a car parked close, I hold the side of my door that would come in contact with the other car while opening the door. This ensures no metal on metal contact. In this case it takes about zero additional effort to be respectful of others’ property.
I have been known to put a few napkins or a tshirt between my door and the other car when the spacing is too tight to avoid metal on metal contact.
Oh I love this idea!
1 at the most. This happens all the time and is just part of being out in the world. Don’t drive if you care about this!
You don’t get to make that decision about someone else’s car. You can choose not to care about the dings you get on yours.
+1.
But it doesn’t cause a ding for one door to simply touch another. Y’all are out of your gd minds.
YES. Thank you.
Yeah, all those dings and paint scratches you see on old cars at door height are put there by magical fairies in the night.
No, the dings are put there when doors (or other objects) make contact with more force than simply touching one another.
Please read for comprehension before posting.
Right! The OP specifically said there was no damage. A ding or scratch is damage.
There was no damage.
Riiiiiight.
Why don’t you believe this?
I save my energy and outrage for real problems.
Oh, my god! You can say sorry and move on with your day. What else is expected? A hairshirt? A bundle of cash left at the doorstep? A brand new car, Oprah-style?
You are just too fragile to own a car if this is your response.
Your car gets dinged when you drive it in the roads and pebbles hit it. If you park outside, things will fall on your car – leaves, sap, bird poo. Sun will fade the paint.
I’m sorry that you watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and thought that Cameron’s dad was an aspirational role model for you. Normal people learn to touch up their paint.
Big difference between sap or bird poo (acts of nature) and feeling justfied in being careless with another’s property. Or are you paying for the paint job and rust removal for them? (FWIW, last time I did that after a really bad ding, they needed to remove the whole panel–it’s not like touch up paint on wall.)
There is difference between a tap that doesn’t do damage and a ding. We keep telling you that.
If there’s no damage, like a 1 or 2. Try not to do it, sure, but at the same time, what exactly is the big deal. If someone parks close to the line oh well? I feel like people who care that much about having their car bumped by a door are the same type of people who would flip out about a child’s ball going into their yard.
This is where i land. very much the “no harm, no foul” camp. There’s a lot more I need to waste my brainpower on…
And, also? If I get to my car and there’s a ding from an unknown source, I’m going to be annoyed but also what am I gonna do? Make a federal case out of it? No .. this is the cost of not holding my car in a museum. If you’re going to be out in the real world, stuff like this happens from time to time.
This is the main reason I hate that minivans are out of style. I don’t think it’s a huge offense if you gently tap the car, but I hate people who just fling the door open without regard for what’s around and hit other people and cars. And kids do that constantly. This is not the only reason I got a minivan, but not having to consistently worry about whether my kids are being disrespectful in this way is a big perk of it.
I do love that with my minivan in any urban or tight parking area.
Are we talking a soft bump or contact hard enough to scratch/dent your car? I’d be annoyed but understanding of the first, especially in a tight spot, and pretty angry about the second (say a 6 or a 7?). I’m from a city and was taught from a young age to open my car door carefully (not fling it open) and taught my kids the same.
People who fling their doors open wildly with no concern for the space around them also tend to be the same ones who don’t return carts, take up the entire aisle in stores and get annoyed when you ask them to move, etc. It’s indicative of a larger ‘nobody matters but me!’ attitude.
It’s pretty bad, I would say like bumping into someone and causing them to drop a big stack of papers kind of bad. Maybe no harm is technically done, but their stuff is still a little scuffed and now they’re flustered. And yeah, bump into the wrong person at the wrong time and you’re going to get an earful at the very least.
I think it’s a 2 but I did it about a year ago (zero damage!) and the owner of the other car made me exchange insurance information with him because there was a little dirt mark left from my door. I did but took copious pics of the literal lack of any damage. Some people are stressy and he didn’t end up filing anything.
That’s not a “dirt” mark though. That’s where paint is removed, which often is entry to rust depending on where you live. If it’s a dirt mark, you can wet it and it disappears.
I rubbed off part and it did remove. There was no sign of his paint on my car or my paint on his car.
I view this as a 2 and owing an apology/close look but I am not particularly attached to “things” so even if someone did this AND created a small ding in my own car this way I would rate it like a 2.
I have found that this is a much bigger issue now than it was when I was younger because parking spots are still sized very small (partially because they were often sized 20-30 years ago when people drove smaller cars and partially so they can pack as many cars in as possible). People drive super sized vehicles now. Pretty much 9/10 times I park my mid-sized sedan I’m sandwiched between two 3 row SUVs that are right up to the line on one (if not both) side of their spot just due to size. I often end up having to contort myself just to get out of the car. I feel like this is a bit of a risk of driving a bigger car.
I’m still upset from an incident a few months ago when I was putting my rear facing toddler in a car seat. I had the rear door open to where it naturally stops and must have bumped it as I was lifting the toddler to get him in. The man in the car next to me got out of his car screaming about how I was being careless and he was going to call the police (!) etc etc. My husband came from around the other side of the car just as this guy was starting to get in my face and he backed off when he realized I wasn’t alone. There was zero damage to his car
Yeah if the person is carrying something, putting a big item or a child into their car, or can barely fit their body through a tiny parking spot it’s unfortunate but clearly an accident, 1/10 annoyance. If this person has tons of room, nothing in their hands, and is being oblivious it’s more like 7/10. They’re lucky they didn’t scratch your car but will surely do it to someone else.
Depends on if I’m already having a bad day.
I think this is so spot on.
Ha so true. The last time I got mad at someone for doing this, I was waiting in the car while DH ran inside to get us food. It took him over an hour and by that time I was beyond hangry. I didn’t scream at anyone but I for sure said, what the hell man??? in a more elevated tone than I would otherwise have used. In my defense, my window was open and the driver clearly saw me and just wasn’t that careful about opening her door, which I could feel through the car, so I feel like my comment was at least somewhat warranted.
I regularly have to park in a parking lot with the tiniest spaces ever. It oftentimes is impossible to get out of my car without the door touching the car next to mine. I open my door carefully and assume the others around me do the same. If somebody reacted the way people in this thread are, I would laugh in their faces.
This is a 1. Cars get bumped. Get a hold of yourself (I’m saying that to the person next to you.)
I had a very unfortunate encounter with a woman like that a few weeks ago.
She parked really close to the line; I was in the middle of the spot. I gently opened the back door, tapped her car with my door (barely audible), and she opened her door to SCREAM at me. I thought she was going to punch me.
Crazy thing is, her car was already plenty dinged up.
It’s a good idea to be really careful of people nowadays. I had a horrible experience recently when I brushed another woman’s car with my grocery bag while walking between our cars with the bag. She got out of her car to yell at me. I pretty quickly realized she was unstable and tried to deescalate the situation, but I was definitely afraid she was going to physically attack me, and you never know who might be carrying a gun!
I’m in the 4-5 range, people ought to be careful in parking lots but I live in a city and sometimes it’s just unavoidable and mistakes happen. When my parents lived in a rural area where the parking spaces are huge, I was generally more careful about this because people got super angry and there was a higher likelihood they were armed or even open-carry J*ck*sses.
I’ve never seen this happen without a ding. Personally I don’t care about it (we drive 10-20 year old Toyotas, they have many dings) but I see why people do, and I’m skeptical of the statement there was no ding.
Cars are not that fragile.
Yeah, I mean, come on. They’re built to crash safety standards, but they dent if you touch them?
A ding can mean a mark in the paint. They don’t dent without a lot of force (although I have seen cars dented from a door being opened hard into them) but it’s much easier to chip the paint than it is to dent it.
the automated brushes in the car wash exert plenty of force. Car paint is made to be durable.
I’m really surprised by the general “grace” extended for this in the comments and wonder if its colored by prevailing attitudes, geography, and car ownership makeup unique to this readership profile.
Bumping a car door against another car in an everyday circumstance is not considered ok in my circles. Cars are one of our biggest investments and dings are a big deal. I’ve been a car owner for 20 years and literally never bumped or dinged another person’s car.
If I were the on the receiving end of your “bump,” I would have been strongly upset about the intentional carelessness even if it didn’t result in damage. Bumping is almost entirely avoidable.
There’s a limit to how personally upset I would be if my car weren’t visibly harmed, but I definitely would judge someone for still not knowing how to open a car door as a full grown adult.
Some of us have rich, full lives and the ability to regulate our emotions.
Some of us don’t.
Only the latter posts replies here. Why must every single thread become so unhinged? People can disagree without it being An Issue.
And some of have the ability to regulate the speed at which we fling a car door open.
I bet if we could actually know the correlation, those of you getting your undies in a bunch would be way more likely to be the door flingers.
Have you really NEVER made this mistake? I’m an extremely careful rule follower and have, on occasion, very lightly touched my car door to another bc I misjudged the distance or because I could not contort myself out without doing so. This has not resulted in damage. I checked!
The same has happened to me.
It helps me live a relatively stress free life to believe others are doing their best unless proven otherwise.
I can tell you which ability I’d rather have, lol
100%. I think it’s beautiful how much grace people are giving about this. People are acting unhinged out and about these days, and seem like they want to rage at strangers for tiny things. Not being a part of that is a big win.
Exactly!! Insane to me that people are criticizing others for giving *too much* grace.
And some of us don’t treat other peoples’ property like crap and try to justify it as having a better life or something?
I love the whole AITAH vibe–– and the inability to handle it when a group of people confirm that yes, yes you are.
Ah yes, the age old logic of not treating lifeless objects ‘like crap’, but doing it to human beings.
It’s precisely because I am careful when opening a car door that I expect grace. It’s sometimes unavoidable that a car door touches the car next to it, and what matters is of the person tried to be gentle or if they are callous. It’s easy to tell that and people who are getting upset over something physically touching their car are nut cases.
I think this might depend on whether you live in suburbia with giant parking lots where hitting another car requires intentional carelessness or a city where many spots are so tight that it’s almost impossible to open doors without slightly bumping, no matter how careful you are.
I am constantly surprised at how you all manage to function every day.
It’s what keeps me coming back to the comments, day after day.
This is almost tame compared to the perfume flare up a week ago. That was … something else.
Same girl same. The people upset by this are unhinged. I’d hate to see them deal with a real problem.
I cannot believe there is no snark page dedicated to this place!
I have also never dinged or damaged or chipped paint on another person’s car in 20+ years of driving and am just horrified by these over the top responses. You all are assuming “intentional carelessness.” Why? Why assume this?
Is bumping a car door in a way that causes no damage “not okay in [your] circles?” Or only if it’s hard enough to cause actual damage? If the former, what penance is required for this sin? Do you leave a note and then offer to venmo your victim for, say, a car detail? If you see a friend do it, is she to be excommunicated from the group?
What other accidents are “not okay” in your circles? And what sort of retribution is required?
Q about aging parents. My dad has never taken great care of himself and developed diabetes, then neuropathy in his feet and legs. Just turning 70 last month, he’s recognized his loss of mobility and gotten adjusted to using a cane. But over the weekend, he fell twice, and I sense that his mobility is only getting worse overall. My mom & I think he could benefit from using a scooter – but he’s in denial. If you’ve been through this, are there resources/providers/tactics that could help open him up to having better tools? Any related anecdata, suggestions, etc, appreciated.
He’s not going to open up and be receptive if you low-key blame him for his poor health. “He didn’t take care of himself” has no utility, only judgment. You need to meet him where he’s at and offer practical, no-judgement options if you want him to accept them.
PCP visit to make sure there isn’t anything else to blame for new balance problems, like a small stroke. Referral to physical therapy for balance training. PT can help him figure out which kind of mobility assistive device is safest for him. He probably needs a walker. Going straight to a power scooter means he will get dramatically weaker much faster. Use it or lose it.
+1 to this – this happened to my grandfather recently and it was in fact a small stroke.
my aging dad started physical therapy for balance recently and it is helping SO MUCH. highly recommend exploring this option.
In my family’s experience, it often takes a bad fall to scare the person into getting more support. Hopefully your dad is is less stubborn!
Are there any activities he can no longer do because of his mobility (eg going for a longer walk, grocery shopping)? He might be more receptive to using a scooter if it’s introduced for these purposes first.
If you haven’t already, I would make sure his bathroom has grab bars in the shower as a fall there could result in a serious injury.
If he does start using a scooter, I would be cautious that he doesn’t rely on it too much and still walks sometimes otherwise his legs will get weak. It may be different with neuropathy pain, but when my grandmother had mobility issues after a broken leg, she was recommended to use a walker, then wheelchair with scooter as the last resort.
His primary care physician can order in an home evaluation as part of a physical therapy review. They can assess his balance and recommend both exercises and tools. This service was a big help for my mom, because it helped her notice fall risks like where she was leaning forward versus pausing and ensuring balance. They gave really good advice for getting in/out of cars and bed.
My grandma is 93 and relies heavily on a walker. She does not want to use a wheel chair/scooter, so we just adapt any outings to make sure the walker is available, and she won’t be walking far. At the end of the day it’s their choice to manage. I think you can push someone into a scooter/wheel chair too soon. It’s good if they can keep moving safely.
Is there a chance he would be more open to a walker than a scooter? Agree with others that a pcp visit makes sense to asses if the falls are caused by the neuropathy – which may be progressing – or by a new issue which needs to be assessed. But if it’s the neuropathy, maybe a scooter feels like giving up for him, and a walker would be a good middle ground?
My father uses a scooter – and was initially resistant to it. The first step was for him to rent a scooter occasionally. He rented one when he went to NYC for a long weekend, and then again when he went to the zoo with his 4 yo grandchild. In retrospect, I wish we had clearly laid out options to him and then given him space to make his own decision (helping him preserve his dignity). I think we pushed too overtly and it probably slowed down the process.
FYI, he uses a walker at home. He used a wheel chair for a long time in museums, but frankly it got rough on his wife. It’s challenging to push a 6′ 250lb person in a wheelchair for a long time, even when you’re not 5’2″ and in your late 70s.
I wouldn’t jump to scooter right away since movement is so important. Better to see what is changing with his doctor (evaluate medicine, footwear, different type of cane or walker, PT to aid balance, etc.) I also think it might be a better discussion coming from his wife. I know you mean well, but you’re coming across very judgmental of his situation in just this snippet–which doesn’t bode well in having a trusted caregiving relationship together.
How do you know when its time to quit therapy? I’ve been going for one and 1/2 years and while it does feel helpful to talk through what I’m feeling and definitely helped me reframe the way I think about some things, I don’t really feel like its helped me get much closer to addressing the deeper or underlying issues I struggle with (namely, anger). We switched to every two weeks this year and it feels like when we meet now my therapist doesn’t remember what we talked about last so it doesn’t feel like we are progressing much except in fits and starts. Yet, I do like the security of having someone I can talk to about all the things in my head that I don’t have any other place to put or let go of. How do I assess this situation?
Do you think that there is an underlying reason for your anger? Some things are just anger inducing and expressing the emotion is healthy.
Maybe somebody touched her car.
I’m the OP and this made me LOL! Thank you, needed that!
It sounds like you need a new therapist. I would have an open discussion with yours about what’s not working and get her view. And I would look for a new one in parallel. Is it possible that you could benefit more from a different kind of therapy? As an example, I didn’t find CBT useful because it felt pretty surface level/didn’t get to the root of my issues and also I’m pretty aware of my distortions etc, but reframing/learning to think about things differently really didn’t help me feel differently/experience them differently.
This therapist doesn’t sound good. She should remember (or have notes on) what you talked about last time.
Therapy doesn’t always feel like you’re making progress every week or session, but it should generally feel like progress is being made.
Unpopular opinion but I don’t think therapy is all that helpful past a few sessions in times of great external stressors. I’d quit now.
I’m right there with you.
Might be time to switch therapists rather than quit therapy altogether.
I quit therapy when I’d more or less addressed the issue I wanted to address. It came down to me doing the work, not getting additional advice from the therapist. I also didn’t feel the need for accountability check ins. If you’re still struggling with the same issue then maybe a different persepctive from another therapist would be more helpful?
I would definitely bring it up with your therapist and see what they say.
I’m the one who posted the other day about how I was waiting to hear whether I moved forward in an interview process (had a phone interview with the recruiter last week). I got the interview! Interview will be tomorrow afternoon, will be a panel, and will be virtual. Hiring manager intimidates me a little – she was a prosecutor for many years (I’m not a lawyer, role is in banking). This will be the highest role I’ve ever had and I would be reporting to the head of the department. Feel free to drop any interview tips!
Whoop! Congrats
I’ve been interviewing a lot lately. I tell myself, “You won’t be perfect but you can still do great!” There will be times when you question yourself or wish you had said something better, despite all your preparation. That comes with the territory for most people.
I’m very upset about the Covid booster news! I’m not really familiar what happens next when the FDA doesn’t recommend something that’s already been approved…do we think insurers may cover it anyway, since it lowers risk of hospitalizations? Can you get it if you pay, or will pharmacies not administer it outside the recommendation? (I’m fortunate to be in good health – no comorbidity that would qualify me. And frankly I’m mostly concerned for my kids, who have never had Covid despite living in the NYC metro area)
What’s the news? This didn’t come up in my feed today.
Sorry, didn’t mean to be vague. The FDA’s new policy is to restrict access to people 65 and up or those with high-risk comorbidities, and require more trials for use in healthy adults and children
It’s also not even clear how they’d apply the health conditions as a qualification. I have asthma, in the sense that I was officially diagnosed as a kid and sometimes have taken medication for it as an adult. But in the last decade, it’s only been an issue after getting sick, where I cough and wheeze for a couple months after any kind of respiratory infection. That sucks, so I try not to get sick, and since I’ve been WFH since 2020, around fewer people in general, getting flu and covid vaccines, and masking on flights, I haven’t gotten sick a single time! I moved recently and my current doctor and insurance therefore have no record that I have asthma. I think someone like me should absolutely continue getting boosters, but would I qualify? It sounds good to say that people with health conditions will still be able to get it, but it’s often not that simple, especially when it comes to insurance.
Right! The vaccines have got to be saving insurers money by preventing severe illness, right? So can they ignore and continue to cover at no or low-cost? Or would this amount to off-label use? (general questions, not specifically for you)
Your asthma doesn’t go away because you change doctors.
I know it doesn’t. But I’ve moved and switched doctors and insurance so frequently that I don’t have any evidence of it in my current medical records. It’s been close to a decade and 4 or 5 doctors since I’ve bothered getting any medication prescribed for it. So the question is how they would verify whether you actually have a condition, either to receive a vaccine at all, or for insurance to cover it. Is my say so good enough?
So far there’s been no verification at all. The pharmacy doesn’t have my medical records. It’s just self-attested. They check a little box on the form and I’m good to go.
Good reminder. I have the same asthma situation and was able to get the first covid vaccine a little earlier because of that, so hopefully it will work here.
I assume just checking a box? I did that (also with asthma) to get an additional booster in 2021.
Yes. I have RA and take immunosuppressants. I just had to self-report that I had this and qualified for the extra boosters. I hope it will be the same going forward.
I’m concerned, but I also admit that there was never sufficient data to justify the recommendation for annual boosters in young people. We need more data, but I don’t trust RFK Jr to lead that effort.
This is absurd. The data is that younger people who are vaccinated get COVID less often and less severely. Young people were winding up in ICUs from COVID prior to the vaccine rollout.
I was speaking of annual boosters, not initial vaccination.
The initial vaccine loses efficacy after a year. The COVID boosters are necessary for remaining protected.
Please provide evidence for that statement. It’s not anti-vax to question why the U.S. is the only industrialized nation pushing annual boosters for kids.
So now we are going to follow the lead of other countries that also don’t vaccinate for chicken pox, etc.?
Here’s The NY Times article: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/05/20/health/fda-covid-vaccines.html?unlocked_article_code=1.I08.HgHa.pQU-WiG_Wb78&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
I’m generally very pro-vaccine but I’ve been hesitant about ongoing annual COVID boosters. I ran out and got my covid vaccine as soon as I could. I was given the J&J one. A few days later, the news came out that J&J is not recommended for women because a couple of women died from it. I felt like, I trusted you. I thought I was doing the right thing. I turned my nose up at people who hesitated to get the vaccine until there was more data. And then I felt like a fool. I ultimately got two additional boosters and have had it a couple of times since then but it was just like any cold. I’m hesitant to get annual boosters going forward because I’m not sure the risks outweigh the benefits.
The reason it was “just like any cold” is probably that you had the boosters.
You know how you test things like “probably”? With trials.
It’s not ethical to do additional placebo trials at this point. We already know from previous research that the vaccine and boosters reduce the severity of illness and the likelihood of long COVID.
It’s absurd to say it’s not ethical to do a placebo trial at this point when so many people are just not bothering with the intervention to begin with (an easy majority just skip).
Maybe not! I’ve got friends who don’t get annual boosters but did get the original vax, and theirs have been just a normal cold or less.
I’ve personally gotten the boosters, but I do question whether it’s necessary.
Counterpoint – my mom hasn’t been getting boosters, but did get the original vaccine. She got COVID after the original vaccine and it was like a normal flu. She got COVID a second time a couple of years later and was terrifyingly ill, with extreme brain fog. I’m genuinely upset about the vaccine misinformation, as I’m positive if she had gotten her boosters she would not have had such a high risk case.
There are anecdotes on both sides, though. I have gotten boosters bc I figure it doesn’t hurt. But I’m not judging otherwise healthy folks who have made a different risk assessment than me.
There are two issues: is boosting necessary to retain immune memory (maybe not) and is the past vaccine relevant enough to highly mutated modern variants (such that an entirely new vaccine is needed).
My understanding is that most of the updated vaccines have been responding to the second issue, not the first (and that it’s been technically a misnomer to call them boosters for a while now).
To clarify, I didn’t have the annual boosters, I had whatever they recommended people get when they figured out J&J wasn’t as effective. I think it was another shot of one of the other ones and then a booster like 6 months later. This all would’ve been in 2020-21, I haven’t had another booster since then.
Have your kids had titers? Because there is a very high probability they’ve had it if they attend school, daycare, etc. My children have had it twice (that I know of) and both times barely had cold symptoms. I only tested them because my husband or I had it.
I know I can’t say with total certainty, but we lived in Westchester and for like two straight years they needed a PCR test for every sniffle to return to school. We were at urgent care twice a month and it was always negative. We also continued with home tests after that for serious cold symptoms. And my husband and I both got it for the first time last winter, and kids still tested negative!
I don’t think my kid has had it either. DH and I had it separately in 2022 and 2023, respectively, and tested her a bunch both times and she was always negative. We have elderly grandparents in our bubble so we test her pretty much any time she’s ill and have also tested after a bunch of known exposures to Covid-positive friends or teachers. Negative every time. I’m starting to wonder if she’s one of those people who has natural immunity and her blood should be studied.
I’m upset too. I am healthy, but I’ve gotten Covid boosters annually based on data showing that vaccinated people are substantially less likely to develop “long Covid,” which afflicts some people even if they weren’t overly sick with Covid when first infected. Two of my family members have long Covid symptoms that limit their lives – it’s an awful thing.
Agree 100%. I have a friend who is basically home bound with POTS related to long COVID. She was an athlete before this.
I am boostering as much as they’ll let me.
I didn’t think the protection was what I would call substantial (in case of breakthrough infection anyway; if infection is prevented that certainly helps), but definitely it’s worth trying to avoid long term illness.
I think because it’s FDA, it means that it’s off label use if people under 65 without the preexisting condition get it. So pharma companies can’t advertise it outside that population but doctors may prescribe it. FDA is taking away choice for people who want to vaccinate.
If it’s off-label it may not be covered by insurance. We will see how insurance companies decide to handle it.
Tips for managing fasting glucose? I posted earlier in the week on the moms page for advice about strongly suspected gestational diabetes. Thanks for all the advice over there, I read the Lily Nichols book on GD yesterday. I had an OB appointment on Monday, no word yet from the specialist they referred me to.
In the meantime, I’m keeping a food journal (less intense than I feared – thanks for the tips) and finger pricking. My glucose is fine during the day but my fasting glucose has been over 110, which I understand is quite high (and higher than some of my daytime post-meal readings!).
I thought maybe folks here who have struggled with glucose/diabetes management might have some thoughts about how to manage your fasting glucose. Obviously I’ll work with whoever my doctors tell me to work with, but I’m trying to be proactive and also come to appointments prepared with questions. Appreciate any advice!
My advice is to keep an open mind about metformin and insulin if needed. When I was diagnosed with GD I felt like a failure, but at first I told myself I wouldn’t really be a failure as long as it was diet-controlled. Even following the diet strictly, I needed metformin and then insulin. I wish I hadn’t been so hard on myself. My blood glucose numbers returned to normal immediately after birth and have been normal ever since.
I have a longer reply in mod – but yes – insulin is just a tool in your toolbox and using it is much safer for your baby than having too high blood glucose.
This is good advice. As much as I would REALLY like to avoid meds and especially injections, even just a few days of tracking shows me that there’s a good chance I’ll need it. If there’s anything I can do diet-wise then I’ll give it a try. But fasting glucose seems to be the sticking point for a lot of people.
Example: today my glucose was 130 first thing in the morning. An hour after breakfast, it was down to 98. Proof that I have healthy diet and exercise habits! But that fasting number… oof.
Morning phenomenon is real. I hope your upcoming appointments will be helpful!
I’ve had GD in 3 pregnancies. Fasting glucose is the hardest to get down. Despite having diet-controlled daytime numbers, I needed evening long acting insulin to get down my fasting. Get a CGM if your doctor will prescribe it (there’s also OTC ones now available). Eat low carb (Lily’s book is helpful). Walk and exercise, especially after meals if you can. Don’t graze/snack and try to just eat 3 meals + 1 snack (aka let your glucose levels come down between meals).
You may do all that and still need insulin. That’s ok. Having well controlled glucose is the best thing you can do for your and your baby’s long term health.
Stay off the internet – for some reason, GD is a new hotbed for online misinformation. I think women are afraid of being associated with a “fat people disease,” despite ample evidence showing that it’s a placental disorder. You will get terrible advice online about “how to avoid insulin” or “how to game the three-hour test.” Work with your health care providers and take it from there.
I found that a balanced bedtime snack with protein, fat, and fiber helped a little — I liked chocolate covered almonds or a kind bar. I think the theory is that if you go too long without eating your body will release some sugar into your blood, causing an overnight spike, so a snack gives you something to work on.
I eventually had to use insulin for fasting glucose anyway — fasting is the hardest to manage because it’s not directly tied to what you just ate. As others have said, please don’t feel bad if you have to use medicine to control it.
I would eat a very small amount of plain vanilla ice cream with crushed nuts on top right before bed. It seemed to help my fasting numbers.
A known-to-be-sexist client told my coworker that I come across too brash/bold/etc. My boss told me not to think or worry about it. I guess its hitting me because I’m self conscious of being more assertive etc whatever. Is this something I should think about being a little quieter/softer or just move on?
Depends on how much this client matters to you. If your compensation is dependent on keeping this guy happy, I’d moderate my approach with him. If the client doesn’t matter to your situation, ignore. I’m a pragmatist.
No nothing depends on this client. They are too small fry to be this annoying, and partner said he may drop them anyways.
Then ignore and move on.
Obviously like
Your boss said this is something you should ignore.
Take it as a compliment. When a known sexist thinks a woman is being “too” whatever, and your boss says you’re good, that means you’re striking the right chord.
This is very helpful and a good thought to keep in mind, thank you!!
100%. Uppity women unite!!
You have a good boss. Ignore client’s feedback. Keep being you.
rec for sneakers to wear with dresses that have at least some arch support?
following with interest!
I just buy to accommodate an insole.
I have found the Dolce Vita sneakers to be supportive and work well with dresses.
I like the Naturalizer Morrison (low-profile, white), or Ecco.
Dr Scholls Time Off (took me ~2 wears to break them in)
new balances 327 and vionic winny
New Balance 1906L, aka the “snoafer,” but you must be committed to succeed in getting these.
I might’ve been patting myself on the back for something undeservedly. I’ve had a tough time exercising lately because I’ve been either sick or exhausted with my pregnancy. Yesterday I finally managed to do a hard-to-me upper body workout. I was so proud of myself! My arms were so sore.
Well today one shoulder is still sore and I thought it was from my workout. A little weird it’s only one shoulder but it’s my non-dominant arm so that kinda makes sense. The vaccine post reminded me that I also got my TDAP yesterday. In that shoulder. The soreness is probably a vaccine knot and not from the workout. I’m justified in being proud of my workout anyway, right?
You don’t have to be sore to be proud of the fact that you worked out.
Heck yes!!!! You did two things that are great for your health, and you should be proud of both. Pat yourself on the back to the extent your sore arms allow :)
Also as an aside, for me, soreness doesn’t always correlate to whether a workout was effective!
If you haven’t tried practicing with the STAR technique you should definitely do it