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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A short-sleeved sweater is one of my favorite summer office items. It provides a little bit of extra warmth for overly air-conditioned offices and slides nicely under a blazer, but you won’t immediately be sweating when you walk out into the 90-degree heat. This one from Mango has a great sleeve length and a beautiful fine knit, and it comes in three colors.
I would wear this tucked into a midi-length skirt for a great business casual outfit, or with a skirt suit for a more formal look.
The sweater is $35.99 at Mango and comes in sizes XXS–XXL.
For a plus-size option, try this sweater from Lands’ End; it’s $40.45 on sale and available in 1X–5X
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Workwear sales of note for 5.2.24
Our favorites are in bold!
- Nordstrom – 30% off selected shoes and beauty for a limited time!
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann event, 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Spend your Stylecash with 40-60% off everything, or take an extra 20% off purchase. Ends 5/6
- Brooks Brothers – Up to 70% off clearance
- Boden – 10% off full-price styles
- Eloquii – $19 & up 300+ styles, and up to 50% off everything else
- Everlane – Under $100 cult faves
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, plus an extra 20% off orders $125+
- Lo & Sons – Mother’s Day Sale, up to 40% off
- M.M.LaFleur – 100s of styles on sale, including classic shoes!
- Talbots – 40% off one item — and 30% off everything else
- White House Black Market – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Brooklinen – Anniversary Sale, 25% off
Anon
Anyone have a hitch mounted bike rack that they like (or hate)? We are looking to haul two bikes and since no one local has a rack in stock, I will be ordering online. Too many options. TIA!
Anon
Kuat. Just spend the money. If you decide you no longer need it, you’ll be able to sell it for close to what you paid for it.
Anon
Thanks! Do you have a specific model?
Anon
Whichever one fits your car/bike/travel needs the best. They’re all good.
Anon
+100 to Kuat
Anon
I have the Sherpa but I now wish I had one that swings/pivots so I could get into my rear hatch (Outback) more easily. Still love the rack though – it’s great.
Anon
I am all over this. I see they have a Pivot arm that will make my Sherpa perfect! So that’s my recommendation.
Anon
It looks like the Sherpa 2.0 angles down, and my hatch (it’s a Prius) opens mostly straight up rather than out, so this might be just the one for us. Thanks!
Anon
Yep! Mine angles down and it’s completely fine, I am just super lazy haha
Anonymous
I recommend against the Thule Camber. The bikes sit so close together that we have to take the front wheel off of one to get them to fit on the rack.
Anonymous
Do you want / need to be able to open your trunk or tailgate? How does your car open?
We have a Thule one mounted behind our Acura MDX and it swings down so the trunk can open. It’s heavy, but do-able.
Anon
I think we have something similar and switch it b/w spouse’s truck and my minivan.
First poster is spot-on: whichever brand you get, just spend the $. You’ll get something good that works and can resell if needed.
I once put a Thule roof rack on a beater car that about doubled its value (BUT was not included in its property tax assessment).
Anon
I recommend a trip to REI if you have one close by. They were so knowledgeable and helped us pick the best one for what we needed. We got a Thule. They also helped install it and helped up learn how to use it. The locking mechanism was a bit tricky, so glad they helped us through it.
Anon
Our local REI is horrid. They had a single trunk-mount, 1-bike rack in stock and the clerk tried to tell me a roof rack was the only other option unless I wanted to put my bikes in a pickup truck bed. I legit thought she was joking, and decided to shop elsewhere when she got snippy and rude when I laughed.
Explorette
I highly recommend One Up. You can easily remove/add extra bike trays. It is easy for me to put on/off by myself. The ones aren’t as adjustable as this one.
Anonymous
we have the kuat nv and love it. we wanted the angled one so we could still open our trunk to get stuff
FP
My husband recently did a bunch of research on purchasing one for our family and ended up with a VelocrRAX. We have only used it once so far but it seems incredibly sturdy and well-designed. Con is the high price but we figured we would rather get a good one and hopefully not be nervous that our bikes would fall off on the highway or something with a flimsier rack.
Coach Laura
Yakima OnRamp
This is a great quality rack. Holds two but can be expanded. Very stable. Has a removable light-weight ramp that you can use if you’re loading heavy e-bikes but otherwise I just lift my bikes onto it. Our other Yakima rack is 15+ years old and still works. (The new one was for our daughter.) They are good about adding/replacing parts – we just replaced the cable lock on the old rack with an off-the-shelf replacement.
I ordered mine from Etrailer and they had fabulous customer service. We originally saw it at a Rack n Road store, very helpful, but they were out of it when we needed to buy it.
Anon
Happy Friday!
Is there anyone here with 2c or 3a hair who has had success washing your hair at night? If so, I would love to hear about your routine. What do you do with your hair once you get out of the shower? What products, if any, do you use?
Anon
I prefer to wash it in the morning but it is doable for me to do the following at night: wash, use a leave in conditioner spray to help with detangling, Verb curl cream, Ecco gel (the $3 ones from Target), diffuse, and then sleep wearing a silk/satin bonnet. I sometimes have to touch up the roots with water in the morning to refresh.
No Face
One of my daughters has 3a/3b hair and we only wash at night. After her bath, I coat her hair in detangling spray and tgin leave-in conditioner and put in two braids to prevent overnight tangles. In the morning, it is damp. If she wants her hair down, I take the braids out and freshen with sprayed water and then a gel (jane carter coiling all curls).
Cb
Im 2c and wash at night (using the curly tangle teaser in the shower) and then put up in a micro fiber turban for an hour or two. It’s rumpled in the am and I’ll put in some curling serum.
Anon
I’m 2c/3a and I always wash my hair at night because I’m a night shower person. I also have crazy thick and long hair so I literally never blow dry. I literally just shampoo, condition, comb, and then sleep on it wet. I have accepted that my hair does what it wants and I don’t try to tame it.
Anon
Not me but my daughter. Three options are : satin bonnet, braids, or re-wetting your hair in the morning.
Anon
2c here. My hair is naturally quick to dry, which helps a lot. After I shower, I spray and comb in some heat protector (I like Bumble and Bumble Invisible Oil and Heat Protector Primer, but not super picky), and let it air dry a little while I do the rest of my evening routine. Then right before bed, I put in a little bit of Moroccanoil Hydrating Styling Cream mixed with some Moroccanoil Curl Defining Cream and blow dry with a diffuser (not to 100% dry, maybe 80%?). How I sleep depends on how long it is – when I’m wearing it shorter, I’ll just go to bed, and when it’s longer, I’ll put it in a VERY loose ponytail on top of my head with a silk scrunchie. All I have to do in the morning is detangle the ends with a comb a little.
Anon
I have had great success refreshing my hair the next day using my travel clothes steamer. It take a bit to get the hang of, but my curls perk right back up!
Anon
My wireless earbuds that I use for running just stopped working! Any runners/fitness enthusiasts have a recommendation for wireless earbuds that also have the wire attaching the individual earbuds to each other? Otherwise I know I’d lose one. I’m thinking about these if anyone has opinions. TIA!!
https://www.bose.com/en_us/products/headphones/earbuds/soundsport-wireless.html?mc=25_PS_HI_PL_00_GO_&gclid=Cj0KCQjwnNyUBhCZARIsAI9AYlErf4QLgf4tA8xlQ2svESB7cJD5t8UmPVtGrCUTJqgVZNNCvlldgcgaApLHEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds#v=soundsport_wireless_black
Cat
Not connected by a wire, but Beats are awesome at staying put thanks to the loop around the back of the ear. You can also wear only one at a time if you want, which I like for being aware of surroundings.
Anonymous
I have JayBirds Tarah Pro still going strong after 3 years. They have a kind of silly proprietary charger but I have had no issues with it and just make sure it lives in it’s little bag which I keep in one place. Charge lasts forever. Only regret is I bought the light coloured ones and the wire is looking a bit dingy. My son has the Powerbeats pro that clip over the ears and they have been workhorses for several years surviving teenage-hood. Beats also has a set where the buds are connected.
Anon
OP here. That’s what I had (Terah Pro) and they stopped charging! Of course I couldn’t test out other chargers. I was so annoyed!
Anon
Also, I had them less than a year.
anonanon
Did you try calling Jaybirds? I actually lost one of my X3s (my own fault) and they sent me another one free of charge. They had really responsive customer service.
Anon
Yep I went through the whole process and they said it was not under warranty because the plastic covering on the on button was worn off. I use it almost every day while I work, but I stressed that that wasn’t the issue, it was that it stopped charging.
Anon
Also, I upgraded from the X2 and gave those to my bf! They still work after almost 4 years! So annoyed!
Anonymous
Good Lord that’s poor service. Maybe tweet at them? I mean, there are replacement chargers available on Amazon but I’d be inclined to look at a different brand and not spend one more cent ever with them just on general principle unless they assisted me. If it helps, I’m Anonymous at 9:42 and you can feel free to tell them you are sharing on social and at least one of your followers will not be replacing her jaybirds with another set unless they make this right for you.
Anon
Thanks. I just sent them a msg on Instagram. They should absolutely send me a new pair. I didn’t mention blasting them on social, just that I’m frustrated because I’ve had them less than a year and others have easily gotten them replaced. If they don’t replace them I’m never buying from them again.
Anonymous
I like the Plantronics Backbeat Fit. They are not noise cancelling – you can hear road noise – which is important to me as I run in the city. Durable, hold a charge for a while, sound okay to me (admittedly I’m not picky). I’ve had mine for several years.
Anon
Not connected to a wire but I got Sony linkbuds for running. The fit took some getting used to but I can hear traffic. Given how many people in my area are getting hit by cars lately, it is necessary to hear my surroundings.
emeralds
I’ve had a pair Powerbeats (the ones with the wire, not the wireless ones) for three years and I love them. I’ve worn them for running, biking, lifting, HIIT, etc. They’ve got loops that go over your ears so they absolutely do not move, and they also have great sound quality.
Anonymous
Have you tried Shokz headphones?
Monte
I love my Aftershokz headphones for running — they leave you able to observe your surroundings — but they will leak sound so may not be great if you use them while working in a shared environment.
Anon
Thanks! I need ones that I can use while working, on the subway, running, walking around the supermarket, etc. I use them all the time!!
Anon
I have powerBeats and love them
Video interview attire
For a zoom job interview, would you wear a blazer or just a nice top (black summer office sweater)? Job is for a nonprofit staff attorney position and I’m mid-career. DH who is in finance says he laughs at people who wear blazers in a zoom interview. I’d prefer to just blend in so she doesn’t notice what I’m wearing.
No Face
Blazer. Law is not finance.
Anonymous
You DH sounds like a tool.
Cat
blazer, and yeah, that is…. not a flattering description of your husband.
Anon
+1
Wearing a blazer is normal and appropriate!
Aunt Jamesina
Right? I can’t imagine any interview for an office-type setting where a blazer would be strange choice for an interview, no matter how casual the office actually is!
nananon
Exactly this. I work in very casual tech and the person I interviewed yesterday work a blazer. She looked nice and professional, and I appreciated that she took the interview seriously, even though I was in a plain t-shirt.
Sybil
And should not be in charge of hiring people.
Definitely blazer. Much better to be overdressed than underdressed for an interview.
Anonymous
Agreed. I’m in finance and blazers are appropriate. Your husband’s out of line here. (and I agree that I wouldn’t share the story if you want people to regard him well)
Anon
+1 Also in finance, very senior, got a new job in the later pandemic all on zoom and wore a blazer in every zoom interview for this job I had.
Anon
I’d give him the benefit of the doubt that’s he’s recognizing the absurdity of pretending to dress up from your house. But no one will ding you for a blazer OP.
Anon
You’d wear a blazer or suit for an in person interview so why not for zoom? I wore a full suit for a big 4 zoom interview.
Anonymous
DH works in a fairly business casual office and reports that 85% of people he interviews on zoom are in a blazer.
Emma
I wore a blazer on my Zoom interview for my casual in-house (legal) job. No one held it against me (even though my interviewer was wearing a polo shirt). I would never wear a blazer on a regular work day, but interviews are a good time to be a little overdressed, I think.
Anon
I am in-house and when I was interviewing earlier this year via Zoom, I did not wear a blazer. I ended up getting an offer in a conservative industry (global company), so it didn’t seem to make a difference. None of my interviewers were in anything fancier than a button down shirt (men) / blouse plus swacket (women).
pugsnbourbon
I’ve had two Zoom interviews in the last six months and I wore a gray knit blazer for both. One was for a gov agency and one was an A&E firm.
anon
Blazer. I’d do a more fun/colorful blazer that pops a bit on zoom though if you’re worried about being too conservative. And test it out on zoom beforehand to see how it looks.
ALT
I had a zoom interview the other day and wore a version of the J Crew lady jacket (over a tank top because Zoom) and I thought it looked nice—not as stuffy as a blazer but appropriate and professional. They want me for a second interview so I’m obviously wearing a full suit to that. And I work in finance!
Anonymous
I work in the scientific side of biotech – so about as casual as it gets – and people are still wearing blazers for zoom interviews. Definitely wear the blazer.
Anonymous
I didn’t wear a blazer for my Zoom interviews as head of legal for my technology company. I, personally, did feel goofy wearing a blazer on Zoom and opted to go with what made me feel more confident. If you feel better in a blazer, wear the blazer. Your DH is being a jerk.
Anonymous
I’m in legal aid and recently interviewed. I wore a black or green blazer over a colored top. Some people interviewing me were more casual, others in a blazer as well. Wear the blazer! Wear what makes you feel comfortable and prepared!
Video interview attire
Well, in my DH’s defense, he doesn’t laugh out loud. He’s a fairly casual person who detested being forced to wear a suit and tie to a previous job where it was required. But he’s a way better judge of the appropriate attire for a man than a woman.
Cat
well I should HOPE he doesn’t laugh out loud… but the fact that he feels so strongly about it to remember and mention it to you is also bizarre.
Anonymous
finance banking here and I wear and see a blazer
Anon
+1 I don’t think anyone commenting above thought he was actually laughing out loud. Just the thought that this is even his thought process is weird.
Signed, someone in finance
No Face
Another wedding guest dress request! The wedding is next month. There’s no dress code, and there will be a massive range of clothing. I am aiming for cocktail.
Currently a size 8 and getting smaller, 34G. Skin tone in the Kerry Washington / Mindy Kaling range. I’d like to spend less than $200.
Anonymous
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/black-halo-egan-abstract-floral-one-shoulder-sheath-cocktail-dress/6433326?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCocktail%20%26%20Party&fashionsize=size%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F8%2C%20M&color=001
pugsnbourbon
LOVE this pick!
Anonymous
Aww thanks!
Cornellian
Me, too! and right on budget. I have no recommendations but love bright stuff like this for weddings.
Anon
Yeah that’s stunning and would look great on lots of different size women. Great pick!
Anonymous
I have made it six full months into a no-buy year and this is the first item that’s had me questioning my choices. Would be so perfect for the outdoor “garden c-tail” wedding I’m going to later this summer.
No Face
LOVE IT.
Anonymous
Wow this makes my day! Love shopping for people.
DeepSouth
https://evereve.com/kent-dress-49637-c
nananon
Oooh, love this suggestion!
nananon
Another Nordstrom suggestion: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/ruffle-sleeve-empire-waist-midi-dress/6745004
Ribena
After a winter in ‘activewear’ leggings I’d like to recommend the sports skort as a summer alternative! I got the lululemon one and have been living in it for warm WFH days and weekends. I find it much easier to wear than a short skirt because of the built in shorts but I also feel much more confident than in short shorts alone. Today wearing with a rugby shirt, zipped hoodie, and Teva style sandals.
Anon
Rugby shirts are back? I so used to love them.
Ribena
I don’t know if they’re back, but I find thick cotton like that incredibly comfortable for British summers! Long sleeves and bare legs are the way to go for me
Anon
In the US, I find that they are all cut for men, so the torso tends to be too long and tight for me (shorter, definitely with hips to factor in at the bottom). Are there women’s versions?
Ribena
Ah yes! Mine is from Fat Face – look at the U.K. preppy brands
anon
How do you find a skort where the shorts part doesn’t ride up uncomfortably and/or itch? I have an Athleta skort that goes unworn because of this issue. Usually Athleta fits me well.
Anon
My skorts are all Athleta or Skirt Sports (not sure if they are still around) and they don’t do this. IMO skirt sorts shorts are longer. Maybe you need the ones with the grippies (which I only prefer for tennis while playing tennis and not for casual wear)?
Sunshine
I have Skirt Sport ones for running and they don’t ride up at all. Admittedly all of mines are several years old so I cannot comment on their recent stuff. I have athletic legs with a decent amount of fat at the tops of my thighs.
Ribena
The Lulu one I have has grippers at the bottom of the short legs so they pretty much stay put.
Sybil
I’ve had good luck with the Costco 32 Degrees and Target All in Motion skorts. I always skip shorts because of the riding up issue but I seldom if ever have problems with these.
pugsnbourbon
I bought a cheapie pair of bike shorts from the brand 32Degrees and they are so comfortable. I am liking the the “Princess Di” look of sweatshirt + bike shorts + sneakers with ankle socks.
Anon
Yeah, I bought a skort from Target a couple years ago to walk the dog in and now they are my go-to summer bottoms. They look a little nicer than shorts (and feel more work appropriate somehow even if I’m WFH?), but no skirt problems. I have the Target All in Motion skort in three (four?) colors.
Anon
The old navy one is great!
Cb
Boyfriend is a monster, that is the only answer
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/jun/10/you-be-the-judge-should-my-boyfriend-put-his-phone-on-silent
anon
Letting the internet determine guilt or innocence is pretty monstrous. Assuming these are real people the boyfriend sounds like, barring his habits changing, prime DTMF material.
Anon
It doesn’t seem like he’s been hiding this, and yet the relationship has progressed. Things don’t generally start off better than they get.
Ribena
Agree.
Monday
And then you get to the sound notifications activated for “anything crypto-related”…
Cb
Right? Boyfriend is a crypto bro who is going to invest your house downpayment in the next Bitcoin.
Anon
Would not go all the way to monster. BF is the sort of person who should always live alone, like a hermit, on top of a mountain, or in something very well-insulated if not away from civilization. A person who is this way wants to be this way and it’s better to just accept this and move on. How this is just coming up now after 3(!) years of dating and then deciding to move in together is beyond me. I’m assuming that these people are both very young and while they each have phones and language capabilities, do not actually talk or discuss things, even very important deal- breaker things. I am baffled. Thousands of years of evolution and this is where we are?
Anon
I have the sound on my phone but I have very few apps set to make noise. Am I monster? :(
Anonymous
Yes
Anon
Yes! If anyone else can hear!
anon
Monster? No. Incredibly annoying? Yes.
anon
eh, I was like this pre-apple watch when I lived alone. The apple watch is key for getting notifications on silent when you’re in an industry that expects near-instant responses.
Anon
Key words being when you lived alone.
Bonnie Kate
gahhhh that would drive me bonkers. DH has his phone set up to repeat a text sound if he hasn’t looked at it like five minutes after it comes in (so it does it twice) and it makes me twitch sometimes. But he legit has a on-call job that requires emergency response so he has to keep the sound on his phone all the time, so I try and just ignore it. I cannot imagine that there are any such real emergencies in digital marketing.
Is it Friday yet?
The guy the week before is even worse. Get rid of all but ten books?! Divorce is the only option there.
Anon
This week’s seems pretty clear cut, but I have so many questions about last weeks. Does he only want her to own 10 to 15 books? Clearly unreasonable. But is she keeping all books ever purchased? Also clearly unreasonable. You don’t need a test prep book from 5 years ago. Do are the books actually fit in the bookshelves? Then fine. But I’m a little skeptical that they do
Senior Attorney
Don’t know about “monster,” but clearly they are not a match and she needs to DTMFA.
Anon
Omg she should definitely DTMFA
Trish
The issue is why does he need notifications for instagram and twitter and all the rest? I only get notified by a ding of text messages and my immediate family and BFF have their own ding so I check (in case of emergency).
My son is texted all day every day by all of his friends so I would kill him if I could here his notifications!
Seattle
Going to Seattle for two days, only ever done the super basic tourist Space Needle/Pike Place type stuff, and would love to have any recs about neighborhoods to walk around, special/weird Seattle stuff, restaurants/snacks/beer bars, any wisdom you care to share!
PolyD
Rachel’s Ginger Beer! There’s a site by Pike’s market, they have homemade ginger beer in different flavors that’s fantastic on its own or they will mix it with the booze of your choice. There is also a location by the university that has excellent fried chicken sandwiches.
The Seattle underground tour (I guess Seattle used to be lower, then they built a new infrastructure on top of the existing one?) is touristy but good. Chilhuly is also touristy and expensive but I love glass art so thought it well worth going to.
Jenn
Seattle resident here. So many options. Fremont is fun to walk around, see the Lenin statue and the rocket and shop at Show Pony, lots of places to eat etc.
Taking a ferry across Bainbridge Island is a local thing and wonderful. I also enjoy the Argosy Ballard Locks cruise.
So many parks! Volunteer Park, Discovery Park, Magnuson Park, all wonderful.
Go have fish at Ballard Fisherman’s Terminal and look at the Alaska fishing boats.
Sloan Sabbith
If you go to the Rachel’s Ginger Beer in University Village, they have a fried chicken stand in the restaurant. You could then walk on the Burke Gilman trail for a bit. Or you could cross over 45th, walk down Mary Gates Memorial Drive to the UW Botanical Gardens and Nature Area, and walk around there for awhile- there’s Yesler Swamp, which is kind of cool (less cool if it’s raining and the boardwalks are slippery, ask me how I know) but there is also a scents garden which is very cool as well as a nature conservatory that looks out over Lake Union that’s a really pretty place to walk around and has a cool view out over Lake Union. On a clear day it has a great view of Mt. Rainier.
Discovery Park is a gem. It’s a former Army base and it still has many of the buildings and structures in place, including gathering halls, the church, and the water tower. There’s a lighthouse you can walk down to, or a loop you can walk. It’s accessible on the bus or has lots of parking if you have a car.
The Olympic Sculpture Park is a pretty walk, especially at sunset.
We have a LOT of bookstores. My personal favorites are Elliot Bay Bookstore on Capitol Hill and Pegasus Book Exchange in West Seattle. If you go to West Seattle, take the water taxi from downtown and then bus up the hill to Alaska Junction. It can be a fun spot to spend an afternoon; West Seattle is like its own little town. There’s a Pagliacci Pizza a few blocks away from the bookstore, which is a solid pizza chain.
We also have a lot of breweries. Fremont Brewing has a lot of outdoor seating, although if you’re coming anytime soon keep in mind that we are not having good weather right now so bring a rain coat and rain boots if you’re planning to spend time outside….that goes for pretty much everything above except for the bookstores. I’ve done all of the above in the rain and would still recommend, however.
Curious
Yesss that fried chicken stand is amazing.
wet.ink.sigs
I’ve eaten at Ethan Stowell restaurants the last 3 times I’ve been at Seattle (Staple & Fancy twice, also Tavolata) and had an amazing meal every time. Echoing the rec for Fremont Brewing. Go to Taylor Shellfish Farms for oysters! Another personal favorite, which is a bit more niche, is Mox Boarding House. Probably the best board game cafe in the country.
Gas Works Park is more accessible than Discovery, and more unusual.
Fullyfunctional
The locks at Ballard! I could/have spent many hours there watching boats.
Anonymous
Can someone explain to me why everything Faceb00k advertises to me is sold out? Why would companies pay to advertise something they can’t sell?
I am getting really sick of seeing ads for Akhnaten, which is sold out and ends today and which I desperately want to see since hearing the star’s interview on Fresh Air even though I ordinarily detest Philip Glass and opera in general. The rest of my feed is littered with ads for clothing items that I looked at months ago and are now sold out.
Anonymous
I need to buy my first “adult” bed frame and phase out the super cheap structure I purchased immediately upon college graduation. I’m looking for a queen, and, due to city living, am intrigued by storage beds. Some seem to have drawers and others have lift up mechanisms so you can access the full under bed space without flopping around like a fish on the floor. Are these helpful/worth it? What do you look for in a bed frame?
Cb
We have a storage bed with drawers (and built in bedside tables) which was great when we had wood floor and is a total pain with carpet. I like the look of an airy bed but need the out of season and linen storage.
Lily
I like platform beds with storage drawers underneath. Ikea has some good options that won’t break the bank. Be forewarned that assembling a bed with drawers is a lot more complicated than a non-storage bedframe. I would pay the extra money to have someone put it together for you if you can.
I always avoid beds that look like they’d be a hazard for shins while walking around the bed. If you’re not going the storage route, I’d opt for a bed that has enough clearance underneath that you can fit large, flat-ish storage bins (some have wheels), which is an ideal place to store things like sheets, towels, wrapping paper, off-season clothes, etc.
Ribena
I go this latter route. I have a metal bed frame and bought some pretty tin trunks to go underneath it for sweaters etc.
Cat
I prefer a frame that’s high enough off the floor that I can put cute bins under it. FWIW, getting a storage bed in and out of a tight city apartment may be an issue – you might have to go with an Ikea style that you assemble in place to literally get it in the door.
Ribena
Yes! I constantly get ads for & Other Stories on Instagram and will click on the clothes and they’ll be entirely sold out. So frustrating.
Bonnie Kate
I don’t know a lot about this, but my hunch is that the companies are outsourcing their marketing to a digital marketing firm. They create a campaign that will run for XX of days and the marketing campaign sets it up and forgets about it. Then the company sells out, but already paid for the marketing campaign, so it runs until it’s done, but is sold out. It still gets them people to their site that may click on something else. But that is purely speculation on my part.
Anonymous
Akhnaten was recorded and while it’s not the same, the video version is GREAT!
good luck
If you want to see Akhnatan – just go. Go early. Wait in line and there are always no shows. Be very polite, ask for help from anyone who works there about how to possibly get in. It is possible. Make it an adventure. And just in case you don’t get in, have a back-up plan to go to a fabulous restaurant/desert, or a movie nearby.
I am a classical musician that has degrees in musicology and performance and am (I admit…) a bit of a music snob. But I have seen a few Glass operas and I admit… I am entranced, hypnotized, and haunted by the music indefinitely. As I recall there is an amazing male countertenor duet with a female alto that is haunting.
GO! And come back and tell me how it was.
Life is short.
Anonymous
Oh, man, I would totally do this except that I’m a few hundred miles away. A few weeks ago I actually had my husband convinced to go up to the city for the weekend so I could see it and it didn’t work out.
roxie
ooh i have an answer not mentioned here yet, which I am only learning because my boyfriend is trying to start a t shirt company. This might not be relevant to your specific situation though. If you’re talking about things like clothes from very small/new brands, it is because they haven’t made the garment yet – they do targeted ads for a product that doesn’t yet exist so they can track interest and refine their marketing. So when a consumer clicks through it says sold out since the product doesn’t exist!
Work work work work work
UK based so just about every job goes through an external recruitment consultant.
I’ve been unhappy with my role (like the company but not suited to the role -although I get decent enough reviews and have recently had new higher tasks added). My work has recently moved things about a bit and given me a payrise to match inflation. I’m a bit happier but the role isn’t really my bag. Plus the company doesn’t do bonuses. 2 days in office a month.
I was called about a job in a different industry and threw my hat in the ring. Dragged on a while but suddenly I have an offer. Another smallish rise, plus double the employer pension contribution and potential 10% bonus. Its a multinational company with lots of opportunity. 1 day in office a week. Work is more of what I used to do, with the chance of a step up.
I’m torn. I love the small company vibe ( getting lots of senior face time) plus wfh. But this offer is money I would like. Not sure about 1 or 2 days in the office a week as I love wfh. its a really big company which is slightly scary. Both jobs have long hours.
If I turn down this role I will burn a bridge with this recruiter who tends to have the best roles. I’ve turned down other unsuitable roles with him so this would be a deal breaker.
I dont know what to do. I’ve always left companies through redundancy or contracts finishing so this is my first time (potentially) deciding to leave on my own accord. Its a new decision to me and I don’t know how to decide. How do I know its time to move?
Anon
It’s time to go. Better offer, more opportunity, more money. One day a week in the office is nothing.
Anonymous
As someone who’s considering leaving a great job over being forced back two days a week…really think about how you’ll feel about forced RTO, even if one day.
Work work work work work
That does worry me, but I think I could cope with one day.
Anonymous
Wow
Anon
Unless you’ve decided to just not care at all about advancing or networking or having future opportunities, I’d really rethink shrinking your world like that. You are asking to become invisible and disposable.
Anonymous
Or to work
For a company not stuck in 2019! They exist!
Anonymous
Not necessarily. In my field pretty much all jobs are now fully remote. It started several years ago but the pandemic was the straw that broke the camel’s back. There just aren’t enough qualified people who are willing to live where the jobs are, so employers have adapted.
My husband works in a very “people in seats” industry, and his employer literally demolished its building and told everyone to work from home forever. So it’s not just my field that is changing.
Anon
You decided to throw your hat in the ring for this job for a reason or reasons. I would focus on that and whether the offer aligns with your goals when you applied.
Work work work work work
I looked because there is no bonus and the cost of annual cost of living raise was realllllllly low. Then out of the blue they gave me another raise last month.
Anonymous
I’ve been dating my bf for a year and he’s very close to his sister, who is very sweet/gentle, mid 50s, has 2 teenagers, and married for 25 years to a man who’s not very nice to her.
When we’ve gone to visit, her husband often criticizes her dismissively in front of their whole family (and me). You’ll never be able to follow through and learn hobby X, why do you want to order takeout tonight when there’s already food here you can cook?
My reflexive response has been to defend her in the moment (“bf’s sister, you can definitely learn that hobby…I did!” “I’ll pay for takeout, I’d rather have us all together in the living room so we can hang out!”) BIL doesn’t get aggressive, the conversation just ends. No one else says anything to him about how he talks to his wife, and she doesn’t seem visibly unhappy at his comments.
I asked my bf if I was pushing back too much on his BIL when I did this, and he said no, it was good, he should be called out more for his awful behavior. He said his own strategy is to try not to think about it as he knows it won’t change, it has always been that way and is what it is. Weirdly, he said he’s never had a direct convo with his sister about how her husband treats her, despite their close relationship. (TBH, his whole family is a bit passive in how they respond to things, him included.)
I’m going on a family vacation with them this summer, so spending lots of time with this dynamic and would love any thoughts about how to navigate it. I realize there is nothing I can do to change a 25 year dynamic in a marriage where no one has asked for my help, and I don’t want to make my bf’s family hangouts tense…but I hate being a silent witness to his meanness. Do I just ignore it?
Lily
Ugh, that would really bother me too, especially if he’s doing it in front of his teenagers. I really hope they are not internalizing the idea that their mother is incompetent or not worthy of respect. I’d do your best to build her up in her presence and her kids’ presence as much as possible. And see if you can’t suggest to create excuses to spend one-on-one time with her, or time for her to spend alone with your bf? On the other hand, if it truly doesn’t seem to bother or phase her, I wouldn’t go overboard with trying to correct the behavior or spending one-on-one time, and would really focus on paying her compliments and backing her up.
Anonymous
Thanks. Yeah, from what I see, one of the kids is kind to his mom (though doesn’t react to his dad’s rudeness to her), the other is a bit of a copy of his father…but hopefully will grow out of it.
I’ve tried to get my bf to invite her to visit our city without her husband to just spend time alone with him/us but she has justifications about why she can’t/shouldn’t leave her family (maybe they’re real reasons, I don’t know).
anon
I was a kid who saw this kind of dynamic a lot growing up (along with other unhealthy behaviors). I thought it was normal/acceptable. Lily’s advice is good.
The adults in question weren’t my parents, and I wish my parents had made it clear to me separately that this wasn’t normal/acceptable behavior. Instead, it was just accepted that this is how some people are.
Cb
It’s tricky. My BIL is a bit of a bully with his wife and kids, and I tend to change the subject or excuse myself from the situation. It’s really awful to watch but I don’t really know these people and can’t fix it.
Monday
Nope, keep doing what you’ve been doing: interjecting in the moment to counteract the meanness. It doesn’t matter if nothing changes (which it likely won’t). You’re sending a message to everyone, especially the wife, that this isn’t cool. I’d also ask your boyfriend to take the same stand, including when you’re not around. Bullies are empowered by passive bystanders.
Vicky Austin
Yeah, I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing. I would make sure your BF is prepared to back you up if BIL ever gets extra nasty (BF leaving you high and dry here would be a deal breaker for sure) and just carry on being a force for good in the sister’s life.
good luck
+1
Yes, yes. Thank you so much for speaking up for her. I am really disappointed in your BF for not defending his sister. In fact, it is almost worse… he is condoning it. The fact that you say he is close with his sister and must love her makes it all the worse that he doesn’t speak up. That is telling his sister…. “I… your loving brother… think it is fine for your husband to speak to you like this… and even more…. I think he is right and you can’t do anything right!!!!”
The children see everything.
So, so sad.
I know a family that is just the same. They are getting divorced now that both kids are in college. Interestingly, it is the husband getting verbally abused by the wife, who is just….. awful to him. It has scarred the kids irreparably, I fear.
Anonymous
Yeah I’m not sure how I feel about my bf’s hands-off-ness about this, either, but he’s a nonconfrontational person, his family is nonconfrontational, he can also have trouble standing up for himself, so I can’t say it is a big shock.
Anon
“I am really disappointed in your BF for not defending his sister. In fact, it is almost worse… he is condoning it. The fact that you say he is close with his sister and must love her makes it all the worse that he doesn’t speak up.”
One of my aunts was married to a man who treated her poorly and would say mean things to her in front of us. Many of my family members tried, over the years, to talk to her, to talk to him, to do what the OP is doing, and at one point her brother (my uncle) provoked a direct confrontation with the guy that nearly turned into a fistfight in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. People gave her money, offered to have her move in with them, offered to pay for counseling. Nothing worked. So the choice then became: do we never see my aunt because we just can’t stomach watching her be mistreated, which will further isolate her and make her feel like she’s alone with no way out of the marriage? Or do we grit our teeth, put up the guy, continue supporting her in a nonconfrontative way, and help her feel connected to us so she knows there is always an alternative to staying with this d-bag? We did the latter. And 25 years into the marriage, my aunt had had enough and she divorced the d-bag and is much happier now. She then told us that her lifeline during the worst years of her marriage were our family gatherings, where she could go and feel supported and know she was loved.
Family dynamics are complicated and loving someone sometimes means accepting their choices that you know are not good for them. Sometimes you do what you can and hope for the best the person will come to their own conclusion and get out, and trying to force that outcome just leads to worse damage.
good luck
Yes, but the answer is not what the BF is doing – saying nothing. Leaving his sister unsupported.
Anon
I guess the key thing is that it’s just you and you and BF are on the same page. Some family is like this and I was around them once with my kids and it was so awkward (the tongue-biting, there was not the blow-up that there understandably could have been) that I wouldn’t do anything extended again. Other family did a vacay last year where everyone had 2-BR condos at a seaside resort and it was bliss — some visiting, but not too much (and these are for people who don’t have drama and are very easy to put together in a large group, but for a week, separate spaces gave everyone enough down time to keep the together time great).
Anon
I would avoid going on a vacation with this terrible man if you can at all help it.
NYCer
+1. Beyond that, I would personally be inclined to stay out of it (though I do think the comments you used as examples in your original post are totally fine/good). They have been married for 25 years, and you have only been around a year. There isn’t much you can do to “fix” the situation, so I would just try to change the subject or excuse myself like Cb suggested above.
Anon
She didn’t ask how to fix the situation. Calm down.
NYCer
I am completely calm?
Anon for this
+1 to stay out of it. If you offend him, he’ll damage your SIL’s relationship with you. Just be there if she ever decides to leave, and offer to take the kids for 1:1 time for anything they enjoy where you can form a bond with them. That relationship with you will help them grow into functional adults.
Anon
And how do you suggest she do that?
Anonymous
This sounds like it could be emotional abuse. Lundy Bancroft addresses how to support an abused woman in his book, Why Does He Do That?. It’s worth reading the book to get more detail, but for the instances you mentioned, if he talks down to her, you should address her as an equal; if he thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does, you should treat her as the expert on her own life; if he believes he has the right to control her life, you should respect her right to self-determination; if he thinks for her, you should think with her. The idea is to empower her self-determination rather than telling her that the abuser is wrong.
Anonymous
Thanks. This all makes sense and I think is pretty close to what I am doing.
Hard for me to judge if it goes to the level of abuse (they live far away and I don’t see them often or interact with them without my bf), but it definitely makes me unhappy to witness. He has an unpleasant/sour personality in general, but is only directly condescending to her and sometimes to his kids, not to other “real” adults. In a way I wish he WOULD talk to me once like he talks to his wife, because I would enjoy putting him in his place.
Monday
Hmm…I might have a drink or two and then say this. “Wow. I dare you to talk to me that way and see what happens.” (No, I am not really advising this, but it’s the kind of thing I actually do with the worst boor in my family and nobody has any problem with it.)
Anonymous
I’m going to go against the grain here: my husband and I have been married a long time and can sometimes be jerks to each other in family situations, but it doesn’t in any way rise to the level of emotional abuse. We, of course, try not to make people around us uncomfortable, but family events bring their own level of stress/history that can make us interact with each other in a way we don’t on a day-to-day basis. We’re also more inclined to let a comment go in a way we wouldn’t if we were at home– for example, my husband knows that if I’m being snappish in the moment calling me on it in front of his mom is only going to enflame things. I would be very, very irritated if my brother’s new girlfriend decided to “stand up for me” in family gatherings that my husband had been navigating for 20+ years.
If you’re really concerned about your boyfriend’s sister, have a direct, private conversation with her or ask your boyfriend to. Also, I whole-heartedly endorse not going on vacation with the family!
NYCer
This is a much, much better explanation of my comment above that “They have been married for 25 years, and you have only been around a year.”
Anon
Can any scientist people here explain how the Color Catcher sheets I use in the washer work? It is the closest thing I’ve seen to witchcraft (and I am here for it).
test me
lol – not a scientist, but I love this question. Those things are truly amazing. This is what a quick google search revealed:
Colour catchers are sheets that are popped in to the wash to prevent coloured items ruining your whites when they are washed together. Pioneered in the early 90s by Patrick McNamee, now head of research and development at laundry products company Spotless Punch, the sheets are manufactured to bear positively charged (cationic) dye scavenging compounds that attract negatively charged (anionic) dyes that come out in the wash; these are generally “direct” dyes that are used to colour cotton garments. Once the sheet and dye are brought together, a chemical bond is formed.
“The charge attracts it first and then you have a chemical reaction, so basically the dye cannot actually come off the sheet, it is stuck on to the sheet then so it can’t roam in the wash to transfer or to cross stain into your garments,” says McNamee.
As a result, you can sling crimson jumpers in with snowy shirts without encountering a pink problem. While other approaches, such as the use of polymers called “dye transfer inhibitors” in laundry detergents can also be used to sweep up stray dyes, colour catchers do boast a strangely appealing feature: at the end of the wash, the captured dyes can clearly be seen on the sheet.
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2014/oct/12/colour-catcher-gravity-tea-whites-caffeine
MagicUnicorn
The chemical they use binds with any loose dye floating around in the wash water. So basically the loose dye gets snagged on the color catcher before it can bind with other fabric.
Liquid synthrapol is another version of this (way cheaper than color catcher sheets if you use them a lot). Works on the same principle but you just add a little to the wash water and it catches the dye and carries it down the drain before it can latch on to other fabric.
Anonymous
Wedding etiquette- 1) how much cash should I give a couple for their wedding? 2) is it tacky to only give cash?
Context: one of my closest male friends from high school is getting married this summer. (We’re almost 40) We lost touch a bit the last five years, maybe talking every few months, and he met his now-fiancé. I met her last year shortly before they got engaged. I think she’s wonderful. They decided against a wedding party but both called and said I’d be in it if they were having one. I can’t think of a physical, tangible item to give them. They registered for inexpensive kitchen items and candles, I think because they prefer limited gifts but one side of the family will be looking to give things. The last weddings I attended were pre-Covid by several years and at the time my budget was closer to $50/just me $80-100 if I brought a guest. Both my high school friend and I make decent money now so I’m looking for a suggested range and whether I should keep looking for something thoughtful and tangible. (The area we grew up in has no food items of note)
Anon
$100-150 and call it a day.
Anonymous
$150-200 and a card.
Anon
Give cash. It’s near impossible to give a thoughtful gift that the person will actually like, and most of the time it’s just a waste of money. If going alone, I would do $100. Maybe $150 ifI wasn’t having to spend a ton of money to travel.
Cat
$150ish and no just cash is not tacky.
If it feels awkward giving money to a “peer” essentially, a gift card to the place they registered, or for a restaurant you know they love?
Anon
I have my cousins wedding this summer and was going to give $300 since I’m going with my bf.
Anon
I always give $150 and no it’s not tacky. Most couples prefer the cash I think. I’ve been to a dozen weddings in the last five years and have rarely seen anything other than cards on the gift table (aka everyone gives cash).
startup lawyer
$150 per person
Anonymous
I’m in my late 30s and for situations like this I do a meaningful bottle of bubbly (either $$$, one that’s engraved, or one I know they’d like for a specific reason) + cash or a donation in their name depending on the person.
An old high school friend of mine got married in his late 30s. He has a very good job, as does his wife. His wife is also from a Very Moneyed family (eg will inherit over 100M, they live in a multi on dollar home, etc). A check directly to them seemed silly.
I got them a bottle of wine from a vineyard they had a great time at when they were dating and donated $500 in their honor to a cause that is important to them. I’d have done a bit less but I also find the cause important so it was easy to round up.
Anonymous
Jesus. It’s like because they are uber wealthy you had to give more. This system is broken and I refuse to participate.
Gifter
+1 for donation/cash and celebratory bottle. For cash I send it electronically (at my own wedding, physical cash went missing on the day).
-1 for gift cards which often go unused and are just not convenient for many people.
Vicky Austin
Just cash is not tacky.
Aunt Jamesina
Cash is always welcome and is certain not to go to waste, unlike a gift where you’re guessing at what might work for them. I’ve had lovely, thoughtful gifts get donated immediately because I either already had said item or it wasn’t something I actually wanted or needed (although I appreciated the thought that went into them; I’m just not one to keep items that I don’t want or need). I always think that a small registry or no registry at all is a clue that the couple would prefer cash.
The amount that is appropriate is what you can reasonably afford and what feel compelled to give. There’s no dollar amount that is “proper”, even if certain amounts are more common in your circles (which is highly dependent on income, cultural background, and geography). No need to include anything other than a card with your sentiments if you decide to go with cash!
Aunt Jamesina
… also, the amount of cash to give has nothing to do with etiquette, just convention.
Anonymous
It is both tacky and widely accepted, even expected.
Anon
Yes – I am an old but am honestly amazed at how many people think this is normal and expected. In my (southern) circle this would be considered tacky unless it was from very close family giving a large gift. Otherwise it smacks of paying for your plate.
But giving cash is not as tacky as asking for cash – so there is that.
And yes I recognize this is highly cultural and would have a completely different opinion about a (for example) wedding between two Chinese-Americans.
Anonymous
I can’t believe the context here does not dictate something different. These people are nearly 40 with good jobs. They don’t have a big registry because they don’t need anything. I am happy to give my mid-20s Little Sister from BBBS some cash to start off her married life. No way am I giving a high school friend cash for anything other than services rendered, desperate need, or reimbursement.
Anonymous
Yeah, when my husband’s friend the hedge fund manager got married at around age 40 we made a charity donation in the couple’s honor.
Also Anon
If they have a limited registry of small kitchen items, it’s probably just for the bridal shower and for any old school relatives who feel strongly about giving physical gifts; this is how you say you want cash without *saying* that you want cash, so I think that’s not only fine, but most likely the preferred gift.
Sunshine
Does yummy frozen fruit exist? I buy frozen because I travel a lot and often am only home on the weekends. Having a freezer stocked so I can make oatmeal, chia pudding, etc. when I come home makes my life easier. But all the frozen fruit I’ve tried is very meh in terms of flavor and texture. I know it’s never going to be as good as fresh fruit, but is there a good brand that I should check out?
Ribena
It’s better if you cook with it than if you try to defrost and just eat ‘as fruit’ if that makes sense? So if I want to put it on top of something I’ll ping it in the microwave
Anonymous
Definitely, my husband does yogurt for dessert with fruit on top and definitely finds it better if he microwaves the frozen fruit first. if you get it warm, it feels closer to cooked fruit, so the texture issue is less, plus I find it brings out the flavors. He mainly does berries which he buys in bags of frozen, and bananas which we freeze ourselves.
Anonymous
The cell walls are broken open by the freezing process, so the texture of fruits will always be different after thawing. Maybe consider making some frozen fruit puree and storing in ice cube trays in the freezer to add to things? Not sure how to address flavor, but I generally add cinnamon, vanilla extract, and toasted nuts to add flavor to oatmeal.
Anan
I like the frozen cherries they sell at Costco and the frozen mangos from Trader Joe’s. Everything else I try is meh.
Also- during the summer I will buy bushels of peaches and freeze them myself for later- it’s much better than the store bought frozen peaches.
Anonymous
Peaches, if you get good ones and freeze them yourself. I am a peach snob (I’m from Georgia) and have my parents bring me a giant box of Georgia peaches in the summer when I see them that I’ll cut up and freeze to use throughout the year. They loose texture, but peach texture isn’t that great anyway when they’re ripe, and the flavor makes up for it. If you toss them in lemon juice before you freeze them, it will prevent browning when you defrost them, but honestly I never bother–the browning is just oxidation and they’re safe to eat.
Sunshine
Thank you for the explanations about what happens in the freezing process and the recommendations that I freeze my own fruit. I’ll also check out the Costco cherries. As always, I appreciate this community!
Anon
I like frozen wild blueberries (the smaller size freezes better than big ones). I don’t eat them plain, though. I put them in oatmeal, chia pudding, or top waffles.
Anon
+1 we always have a giant bag of Wyman’s of Maine in our freezer
Anonymous
I like overnight oats or chia pudding made with frozen fruit. In that case the juice from the melting process adds to the dish like a sauce, so even the very mushy ones can be a feature. I think that mango, wild blueberries, black currants, red currants and blackberries turn out the best.
Wild redcurrants are great to eat while they are slowly defrosting in a bowl of warm custard.
anon
PSA: if you have not checked out jcrew recently – I am loving their new summer arrivals. Basics! In normal colors! With some fun work appropriate pieces mixed in! It’s like the old jcrew I used to love.
(I do not work for jcrew – was just looking for something and was pleasantly surprised).
Anon
I love that we are now getting models’ heights and sizes to help with online ordering (if the model is 5-9, a dress may drag on the ground on me). Are there any places that routinely show size Ms in pictures? If my only options are an XS model and an XL model, both of whom are still MODELS, I still don’t feel like I know how it will fit an ordinary person who is not a model.
Anonymous
I think Universal Standard does this. They have a wide range of sizes and do tell you the height and size of the model and they definitely have models that are closer to what real people look like. I’ve not ordered from them but Wardrobe Oxygen did at least one review and I recall it being favorable. Maybe others can comment.
anon in brooklyn
I appreciate the variety of sized models too, but it’s frustrating that none of them are ever shorter than 5’10” or 5’11”!
emeralds
Everlane does a pretty good job of this.
Lily
Ugh, I have yet to find any websites that showcase a size medium. Is there even a career path for models who are size 6, 8 or 10? It’s so unhelpful for me to see a 5’10 model wearing a size 2 or a plus-size model wearing a size 14. Can I get some photos of a 5’4 woman wearing a size 8, please?!
Anon
amen!
Anon
Old Navy/Gap will show pieces on different size models.
Anon
None of whom are mediums though
anon
Madewell tends to include a size 29 (so about an 8) model a lot of the times. I really appreciate it!
I just want to know their heights tbh – I’m 5’9″ so super biased, but it tells me a lot about length. If the model is 5’11” and it’s knee length on her, I know it’ll hit a bit below my knee, etc
Anon
So the average height for a woman in the US is supposedly 5’4” but even all the “diverse bodies” actions recently rarely results in a single model at average or below average height. I guess retailers think we live in Lake Wobegon and we are all above average. It annoys me hugely because showing a 5’10, size 0 and a 5’9” size 12 really doesn’t move the needle for me.
Anonymous
& Other Stories generally use clothing in size UK 10, US 4 models.
Anon
In response to the CPI today: what percent raise would you consider to be sufficient to meet inflation right now? Are people really getting 8% raises out there?
Anonymous
We are getting 3.5
Anon
My pay and raises have never been tied to inflation, so I wouldn’t expect it to start now. I ignore the news about stuff like this I can’t control, live frugally and don’t worry about it. I’m fortunate that there’s always something I can cut or economize on even if I might rather not.
Anon
This is a great question! I work for a tech company in the midwest. The company has been doing well throughout Covid. Typical yearly merit in the increase for a middle of the road employee as been 3%. This year they bumped it up one percentage point to 4%. But in relation to addressing inflation, the company recently change the company 401k match from 3% to 4%. So although a small change, that does have a big impact long term.
I do not know anyone personally who’s seen a 7% or 8% raise lately without changing titles or employers. I’m curious to see what other say.
Anon
I work for a state governmental agency, and my 2022 raises (without promotion) will total 9%.
startup lawyer
I think the last biglaw salary band raises got close to that and maybe over for senior associates but i know that’s not a normal comp system
Anonymous
We get a 3% “merit” increase every year regardless of the rate of inflation. Same at my husband’s company. We need better jobs. My first job gave a COLA around the rate of inflation and then a merit increase on top of that.
anon
We get 3-4% in normal years. This year’s increases have not been announced yet, but we got a 3% mid-year bump in acknowledgement of inflation.
Anon
*Cries in higher ed* Top performers get 2-3%, everyone else gets less. We all take pay cuts every year, basically.
Anon
I work for a very well known, well respected international company. I got a 5% raise and was happy.
Anon
I got a 20% raise this year. In- house legal in financial services, and was underpaid previously. I gave my nanny and housekeeper 10% COL raises this month.
Anon
4% raise typically, but 6% this year. Still doesn’t keep up with inflation, but I appreciate the bump all the same.
Anon5
Forgive the word dump in advance but I am in a weird place in my new-ish relationship (just under a year). My bf is one of the best guys I have ever met and all around a great boyfriend. The one downside to our relationship is that we work different schedules so sometimes it’s hard to see each other as much as we’d like, but other than that, there are no major issues.
The first 6 months of our relationship were some of the happiest of my life. A total whirlwind, with great chemistry/compatibility/gardening/you name it. However, after about six months, I started feeling very persistent anxious doubt. It comes and goes but when it is around, it drives me to distraction. I’m constantly thinking about whether he’s the right one for me, whether this is what I want, checking to see if I am happy enough when we’re together, etc. It’s very frustrating, particularly because I didn’t have these thoughts this strongly in the 2 year relationship I was in before this one, with an ex-boyfriend who was worse in every way compared to my current BF. The anxiety and doubt is driving me crazy and making me miserable, which then upsets me even more that I’m not able to enjoy the life I have. I’ve been open with my bf about them and he has been so supportive and caring, and willing to do anything to help, which sometimes just makes it worse because then I feel guilty about how great he’s being.
I know the simple answer is that this kind of persistent doubt speaks to some kind of inherent incompatibility and I need to DTMFA. And the idea of breaking up with him certainly brings me relief because it would mean an end to the overthinking. But the idea of throwing away a relationship with a guy who loves me and that I love really, really discourages me. As Senior Attorney says, most men are not suitable, and my current BF is suitable in a way I have never experienced in any guy I’ve dated or met. He is self-sufficient, emotionally mature, and supportive of my career all in ways I know would be difficult to find in another guy. He has bad qualities like anyone else, but nothing that really irritates me or causes issues. I see my friends in long term relationships and I’m so jealous of how certain they feel with guys that I frankly would not be able to put up with. I’ve always had lackluster relationships and it drives me nuts that I’ve finally met someone that I should be so certain about and I’m not–it makes me think that that level of contentment and surety in a relationship is something that is out of my reach, and really makes me sad. It also makes the idea of going out and dating again feel very futile because if this relationship wasn’t enough for me, what is?
I’m going to therapy for all of this, of course, but I don’t feel like I’ve made much progress. Just shouting into the void to see if anyone has any words of wisdom.
NYCer
Honestly, if the idea of breaking up with someone brings you relief, I would break up with that person. It is not clear from your post why you feel this relationship isn’t enough, but I cannot imagine staying with someone if I am relieved at the thought of breaking up with them.
Also, something nitpicky… But based on what you’ve written, I don’t think that the terminology “DTMFA” is appropriate here. He sounds like a nice guy, not an as*hole.
Anon5
Oh, totally, was just using DTMFA as shorthand–current BF is awesome and not an a-hole.
The rub is that I also can’t articulate why I feel the relationship isn’t enough, which is where a lot of this angst comes from. If I could articulate it, that would make the decision a lot easier. Breaking up does seem to be the simple answer, but it makes me sad.
Anonymous
Do you ever feel this level of angst/overthinking/doubt in other areas of life, or is it only with this? in other words, is this something you’re prone to, and you know it, and so of course it would be showing up here, too . . . or is this type of reaction limited to this relationship? I’d take it far less seriously if it’s a general way you respond to life than if it’s something that is out of character for you.
Anon
There’s nothing here to indicate you need to DTMF so I’m confused as to why you think that’s the most sensible option. It sounds like the problem is you! Therapy, therapy, therapy.
Lily
Set him free!
test me
Agree with NYCer that if thinking of dumping this person brings you a lot of relief, that may ultimately be your answer. BUT, having been in many awful relationships prior to meeting my spouse, I can relate to having a hard time adjusting to a relationship that isn’t contentious or where there’s so much drama going on you don’t get any quiet time to really assess how you’re actually feeling in the relationship. How do you feel when you think about becoming even more serious with this person? With my spouse, I got past some of these feelings with a) therapy (which it’s good you’re already doing!) and b) envisioning him as the future father of my children, spouse at work events, etc. etc. Envisioning these things as having already happened and how I would feel during them helped turn off my anxious-avoidant brain somewhat.
anon
Yeah – I would add to this. My dating life was a rollicking disaster before current BF, and I definitely experienced these thoughts. First, because I thought he was the right one, and the idea of “forever” gave me anxiety – not forever with him, but the idea of that kind of commitment was a lot. Second, because the drama was something I perversely enjoyed? The break-up, the make-up, the chaos in between – it was entertaining and wildly unhealthy.
It took a while for those doubts to settle with the new relationship, and if there are otherwise no issues, I’d encourage you to give it a few more months before making a decision.
And I felt relief at the idea of breaking up with current BF too, but that wasn’t about him. I was so used to being independent that that idea of commitment was what I felt relief from – I just wasn’t used to it.
hnh
“I’m constantly thinking about whether he’s the right one for me, whether this is what I want, checking to see if I am happy enough when we’re together.”
It sounds to me like deep down there’s something not quite right about the relationship. Setting aside whether it’s rational or reasonable, just try to imagine your ideal partner and ideal relationship. What would make this partner and relationship even better? Is he so good that you think eventually he’ll leave and so you’re sabotaging yourself to save the trouble and heartache? Or is he really not that great, there are incompatibilities, and your gut is raising flags?
Anon
Agree with the other comments – if the idea of dumping him feels like a relief, this relationship isn’t right for you. It may be that you just need some time and space to process your last relationship or something else. But continuing in this road out of fear you’ll never find something as good isn’t healthy and isn’t going to help you heal.
Amy
Sounds like you’re not that into him? Are you not attracted to him? I mean, someone can be completely right on paper and there’s just no chemistry or spark. Honestly, I know we’re all supposed to want guys who are “super supportive and caring,” but LBH, that’s only sexy up to a point.
Senior Attorney
What happened right before you started having these doubts? Was it something he did, or was it something else in your life that may have stirred up some free-floating anxieties that happened to land on your relationship?
Maybe find a new therapist? I feel like we don’t have enough information here because while I am on team “if it’s not ‘hell,yes!’ it’s ‘no,'” but on the other hand there’s such a thing as “don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” and there’s also such a thing as self-sabotage. Maybe you feel like you don’t deserve a nice boyfriend, and you are trying to find reasons to leave for that reason? (But on the third hand, if you feel relief at the thought of breaking up with him, maybeyou should let him be free to find somebody who will appreciate him!)
Aunt Jamesina
Someone can be a perfectly wonderful individual and still be the wrong person for you.
Anon
No, the simple answer is not DTMFA, it’s get therapy.
Anon
The answer seems to be therapy for you, either to get over these feelings or identify what is missing in the relationship. I know you said you are in therapy, but it doesn’t seem like it is helping. How long have you been going to the therapist? If it’s more than six weeks and you don’t feel any progress, I would seriously consider looking for a new therapist. Not all therapist work for every person and there’s probably a better one out there for you
Anon
This. The vibes I get from this post are not that this guy isn’t (necessarily) not the right guy for you, but that you need to work on your anxieties, OP. The situation people are mentioning where you just might not like a perfectly good person doesn’t automatically jump out to me as the case here.
Senior Attorney
Yes, you said it better than I did.
Anon
Im very against what everyone else is saying. It sounds like you have relationship OCD – it’s textbook symptoms are constantly having to check your partner and assess his “rightness.”
It’s possible that having terrible boyfriends in the past has put you on edge. You might want to make sure he’s perfect constantly in order to make sure you don’t get into another bad situation. If you’d been happy go lucky before, you may now feel subconsciously that you have to always be on high alert in order to not miss any red flags.
roxie
I am going against the grain of commenters so far to say i think your problem may be lack of self-esteem and anxiety, not the boyfriend.
You say you’ve always had lackluster relationships; is it possible you have had BAD relationships and being in a “good” one is causing you grief because you don’t know how to function in one? Or think you don’t deserve it?
If any of this resonates it is worth exploring more in therapy rather than breaking up. If it doesn’t resonate, ignore me.
Anon
I did this with my now-husband. My relationship prior to him was with a guy who was an oh-so-seductive combination of emotional unavailability mixed with a charming, creative, mercurial personality (with a hefty dash of high-functioning substance abuse mixed in). The relationship was a nightmare. When I met my husband – who is exactly what he seems: a nice, caring, somewhat geeky, somewhat goofy, good dude – I could not figure out what he was hiding from me. Surely no one is this well-adjusted and honest! What’s his angle? What is he buttering me up for? I asked a lot of weird questions and would call him at odd times to see what he was doing and just generally engaged in a lot of crappy behavior that was 100% about the previous nightmare relationship, and nothing about my husband. He had been through a nightmare relationship of his own and so (thankfully) he got it. He did finally tell me, “look, I would not be here if I didn’t want to be; I am with you because you are awesome and I love you. That’s it.” Which was a big help.
STAY IN THERAPY and also, when you start going into thought spirals and anxiety spirals, get your journal out and journal. Dump the weird thoughts and mental rabbit holes into the journal and not on the guy you’re dating. Also, if some of the anxiety you’re feeling is about pressure to make the relationship work (because deep down you really really like this guy and would feel devastated to lose him, or you feel like “time is running out” for you, or whatever) – remember, it’s not all on you to make the relationship work, and it’s also not the end of the world if it doesn’t work. Now might be a good time to take up a new hobby – something he might be interested in down the line, but for right now, you can do by yourself – to occupy your thoughts so you’re not picking over the relationship in your mind all the time. As a really desperate, degenerate overthinker, unless I keep myself busy my brain will go into some really weird rabbit holes and I’ll end up doing stuff that I look back on and think: wow, that was dumb. So pick up rock climbing, or roller skating, or pickleball, or competitive tablescaping or something to keep your anxiety brain occupied. Good luck.
anon
Honestly, this sounds like your own anxiety getting in the way, not a fundamental problem with him or even necessarily the relationship.
There are people who say that they knew right away, or knew all along, that they wanted to marry the people they end up marrying. I am sure that does happen for some people. Other people may have their own baggage to work through to get to that point, and it doesn’t have to determine the long-term fate of the relationship (though it can, especially if they’re unable or unwilling to work through it).
I don’t think you need to break up with this guy right away. (Nor would I make any big decisions like moving in together or getting engaged or either of you rearranging your lives to be together more.) You love him. You’re not leading him on. I would reframe your goals for this relationship for right now–growing closer together, settling into a relationship after the early whirlwind, getting to know each other better, etc. Meanwhile, work on your anxiety and maybe attachment in therapy. But 1 year is typically not a deadline for knowing exactly where your relationship is headed. It’s likely that within the next 6 months to 1 year, you’ll get more information that will crystallize how you feel about him.
Anon
Agree with the last few commenters – I had this a lot with my now-husband after the first few blissful months of our relationship. Granted, we were 23/25 and had some serious communication issues to work out (which we did!) but I also think it stemmed from my own anxiety and hang-ups. The difference was that the idea of breaking up filled me with absolute crushing dread, not relief. But, I don’t think that second-guessing and doubt at this stage automatically means you need to break up.
Anon
Have you read the love languages book? Do you know yours and whether it’s being met?
I had these feelings during a long-term relationship in my 20s, and I ended up breaking up with him, but our mismatch was more likely that he had been filling my “bucket” during early dating, but as those demonstrations naturally petered out, I was left feeling insecure and unsure. I stayed with him, but I eventually grew to resent him because I hated that I felt insecure and couldn’t name it and I wanted to feel loved and secure in our relationship. Anyways, I wouldn’t ever want this boyfriend back – I’m just speaking to you from what I learned in therapy and seeing if I can’t save you a few hours on the couch 😉 Good luck!
Anon
Just posted a comment about going through this with my now-husband, but wanted to also add: the concept of people who “just knew” and “felt so certain” absolutely contributed to my anxiety and second-guessing. I am also a chronic overthinker and can go down weird rabbit holes. My husband and I have since talked about how neither of us are that type of people to “just know.” Neither of us believe in soulmates. We’re way more analytical and less lovey-dovey – but sometimes when I saw the “I knew from the very first moment” posts plastered all over social media, it made me doubt what we had (which is someone who fully accepts me and chooses to love me, flaws and all!).
Anon
Unlike a lot of people, I had a bunch of multi year, perfectly fine relationships before I met my husband. And I’m glad those ended because there is a seismic difference between the fines and perfect for me. I can’t believe in hindsight I ever angsted so much about the fines. Of course there’s no guarantee it works out. You can settle or try for amazing.
Anon
Read the book Attached, get a new a new therapist, and work on that before you end the relationship. It may not be the right one for you but I think you need to figure out where the anxiety is coning from first.
Anon
Agree. I have read Attached and this sounds like it may be Avoidant Attachment style.
Anon
There are two possibilities here that demand entirely different responses:
(1) You are subconsciously recognizing that this guy is not the right guy for you – in which case you need to cut him loose, try to figure out what that is, and move on.
(2) You are subconsciously recognizing that this guy could be the right guy for you and that terrifies you because it calls for a level of commitment and vulnerability that you are not comfortable with. That is a you problem that will exist with any guy who is a good match (which is why it is often easier to date someone who is clearly not the right guy – it is a lot scarier to be involved with someone where you have something real to lose).
In the latter case, I strongly recommend therapy (and I am not one of those people who recommends therapy for everyone). Because it will keep coming up.
Good luck whatever you decide.
Anon
My take is a bit different than other people’s. I think this is a you problem, that it is a sign that this IS a great guy for you, and that you’re scared you’re going to lose it/mess it up. I’d keep going with the therapy and think the joy/vulnerability axis research might have some relevance for you.
I see a lot of myself in your post. You deserve to fully enjoy the good things that come into your life.
test me
Anyone have a dyson hair dryer? Any tips or tricks? I received one as a very generous gift, but I’m kind of having a hard time getting used to. Fine, wavy/curly hair that I usually blow out with a round brush and then smooth with a flat iron, for reference (though I’m kind of hoping to drop the straightener if I can get good enough with the dyer).
hnh
I have the model with all the attachments so I would blow to dry and then use the flat brush attachment (I have coarse straight hair). You probably still need to use your round brush if your dyson model doesn’t have attachments.
anon
I don’t know if the dryer can get you far enough to not have to use a straightener some, but I can get my hair pretty smooth with dyson, round brush, and Color Wow DreamCoat.
Anone
I have one and love it, and I have the same hair type as you. It dries remarkably quickly and doesn’t damage my hair. I dry it with the regular dryer attachment for about 4-5 minutes, then either go through it quickly with the round brush attachment to get the ends smooth, or do the curling attachments if I’m going out. I recommend watching one of the Youtube tutorials to really master it.
Anon
The US is (finally!) dropping the requirement for negative COVID tests on inbound international flights. Always struck me as a bit of security theater when our pandemic protocol in the US is lax to nonexistent. Now we don’t have to worry about getting stuck abroad!
However, I just bought a bunch of eMed telehealth tests for this very purpose and they weren’t cheap… oh, well.
Anonymous
You may still have to test to get on airlines for other countries (I did), so they won’t go to waste. In my area, it’s getting harder to find tests for travel that insurance will cover, so the eMed tests ended up being cheaper than the local testing sites.
Senior Attorney
I just used the telehealth tests to fly in from Europe and it was TOTALLY theatre, from the administration of the test itself to the cursory glance at the results by the harried airline ticket agent.
Glad to hear they’re finally giving it up.
Anon
Same! I just spent $150 on tests for our summer travel. But yes it was theater. It was very easy to fake a negative result since the proctor takes your word for it.
Anokha
You should be able to submit the eMed tests to insurance for reimbursement!
Anon
Unfortunately I have an HDHP so my insurance doesn’t kick in until I spend $8k on healthcare expenses in a calendar year, which I’m nowhere close to.
Anonymous
I am super excited about this. We had held off planning international trips because of it (our work schedules are such we couldn’t risk not being able to get back), so glad I can plan something and not worry about it.
Anon
I mean, you can still easily get stuck over there if you get sick. Most people who get Covid are symptomatic and hopefully if you were symptomatic you’d test and not fly home if you were positive, so I’m not convinced this was the hurdle people seem to think it was as far as the risk of getting stuck in a foreign county.
Anonymous
I worry more about false positives. It’s not an idle worry-DH’s coworker had this happen (tested positive, no symptoms, test next day was negative but he couldn’t get a flight for a couple of days)
Anon
That can be avoided by bringing backup tests. You only need one negative result, so we bring at least two tests per person and if you the first is actually a false positive the second test would be negative and you could go home.
anon
on the one hand, I agree with you. On the other hand, we are just pushing precaution onto the individual now, and trust on personal responsibility (LMAO). I am not saying that rules before were fail-safe or deterred everyone, but I am certain this will increase significantly the number of people who board planes while positive.
Anon
+1
Cat
I assume there are people on the planes who are actually positive but tested negative bc antigen tests aren’t foolproof. Not to mention any domestic connection could be full of people who didn’t have to test at all. I’m delighted this rule is dropping!
Anonymous
Oh get over it.
Anonymous
Yay! So relieved
I was so worried about getting stuck and not getting back to work for a week or two out to mention the additional hotel bill.
Jeans???
Where are you all buying jeans these days? I only possess an old pair of skinny jeans. Went out last night to update my jeans wardrobe and welp, didn’t go so well. I found lots of skinny cropped jeans, lots of super wide leg, and a few 80’s type flares (that do NOT flatter my pear shaped 50+ year old body). Leads anyone? I think my unicorn is natural waist (hits below the belly button) dark wash, straight or slight flare. Zipper, not button fly. I swear this has become worse than shopping for a new swimsuit.
Anon
NYDJ Marilyn straight
PolyD
I bought them a while ago, but I liked the medium rise, straight leg jeans I got from Banana Republic Factory. I know there are Talbots haters and lovers here, I’m in the middle, but I have a pair of white jeans from them (mid rise, straight not skinny legs) that are extremely flattering. I’m on the smaller side, but usually go for the curvy fit in pants. The Talbots jeans are curvy fit.
Away Game
I try on expensive jeans and inevitably end up back at Old Navy. I bought a pair of straight-leg, medium rise, dark wash jeans there about a month ago. Had to try on 3 pair in the “same” size to get the one that fit right, but I love them and plan to wear them for the 5 years or so ON jeans last on me.
Anon
Gap, Madewell, Everlane
CHL
You might like Kut from the Kloth. I also have some from Everlane but their cuts might not be for everyone
Also Anon
I bought some high-waisted jeans at Ann Taylor recently that were super comfortable and flattering for my shape, I would totally buy more if needed.
Anonymous
Levi’s
Bonnie Kate
okay this is very random and if thrifting isn’t your thing, might not be for you – but my favorite place to try on jeans is thrift and consignment shops that have a lot of jeans. I grab a bunch and try them on – it’s one place that’s easy to try on a bunch of brands, including I wouldn’t normally think of. This is how I figured out that Banana Republic jeans really fit my shape quite well, which I never would have figured out otherwise. I actually buy most of my jeans at Goodwill because I really like jeans, so like to buy a moderate amount (I probably have 10-15 pairs?) and since they’re secondhand I don’t feel so much fast-fashion guilt about it.
Curious
Yes!!! I love this shortcut, too!
Mouse
Just bought a pair like you described at Universal Standard and love them.
Anon
The gold-label Levi’s straight-leg jeans they sell on Amazon have been working well for me.
The super-wide-leg jeans (especially if cropped) are mystifying to me as I have seen very few people they look good on. They certainly never looked good on me. I had a coworker at one point who was 5’9″ and probably 130 lbs and wide-leg pants looked great on her, and then I realized why they don’t look good on me: because those aren’t my proportions, and never will be. So I’ll be sitting out the wide-leg jeans trend.
Anon
Talbots Slim Ankle
Anonymous
On places you may not think about, I just bought a pair of white jeans from J Jill (I guess I am slowly becoming my mother). I think they called them slim fit, but really they’re just straight. They had multiple colors/washes.
Laura
I’ve had good luck with Jcrew on slim straight leg cuts.
anonypotamus
I feel like a broken record on this, but Abercrombie. Good quality that has held up so far, a HUGE variety of washes, cuts (including curvy), inseams, rises, etc. I am an extremely shortwaisted hourglass with muscular legs and have found several pairs that work well for me. I like the curvy ultra high rise 90s straight leg for a cut that is flattering, but feels more current than skinny jeans.
One thing that may be helpful for you as you search is knowing what rise you are looking for to hit your natural waist, as this varies widely. Just below my belly button on me is an 10-11inch rise, which on most people is considered high waisted. (For me to get a high waisted pant that actually hits at my natural waist, I need about a 13 inch rise!)
Anon
Honestly Abercrombie. I shunned Abercrombie in my too-cool-for-school youth but the styles today are great and the fit is even better.
Curious
Universal Standard. I get the hype. Go one down from their size chart for a slimmer fit
Anon
Wondering if some of the attorneys can help me out. I’m a non-attorney who works adjacent to many attorneys. One attorney I work with, whom I like a lot, has given notice to clerk for a year at a federal court.
I’ve seen some of you talking about clerking and how it’s a real accomplishment. Can you please explain what clerking is exactly and how it shapes your career path? I’ve congratulated her and wished her well but I don’t really get it. I thought it was something you did right out of law school (or even maybe during law school?) and not several years into your career.
Cat
It’s not uncommon for a young litigator to go clerk for a year and come back, especially in a more-prestigious federal court. It’s valuable insight into the court’s mindset. Some people are “career clerks” who stay in the job for years.
Sunshine
Clerking is going to work for a federal judge usually for one or two years. Most people do it immediately after law school but some work for a few years and then clerk. Most federal judges have two clerks at a time (although some judges have one career clerk and one term clerk, which is what you’re talking about). Law firms really like seeing clerkships on resumes and pay clerkship bonuses for people who have clerkships (although the bonuses really help offset the lower pay the person takes to clerk). The positions are very competitive to get because there are not very many slots available each year. The experience is that you get to work at the right hand of a federal judge for one or two years. You learn a judge’s perspective on legal proceedings, you probably see a lot of diffferent types of cases (both criminal and civil), you get to observe trials and a lot of hearings. It’s a huge learning experience that a lot of people want. Getting a clerkship is prestigious.
Anonymous
You can clerk for state court judges too.
nananon
Not OP, but thank you for the explanation, Sunshine! Super helpful.
Anja
On a trip together, how long is too long to wait for a colleague to reply to your texts? At what point would you leave without them, and at what point would you start calling hospitals to see if they were hit by a car or something?
Amy
Probably need more details on your specific situation, but we’re all autonomous adults. If the issue is leaving for dinner, or the airport, or some other common destination, and you had agreed to meet up and head over together, I’d head over by myself as soon as I was going to be late otherwise.
Anja
It was morning – we’d agreed to meet up for breakfast, but they went out for dinner and drinks with some local friends the previous night when I went back to the hotel. I wasn’t sure where I should draw the line between “they were out late drinking last night and overslept/are hungover, which is ultimately their problem, not mine” and “they were in a car accident last night and are in the local hospital’s ICU, and I need to let someone up the food chain know”. (The issue turned out to be “out late drinking, forgot to set an alarm”, and aside from only getting an energy bar for breakfast they were fine.)
anon
It depends. For a big tour bus full of people? We can and did pull out of hotel a mere 15 minutes after our scheduled departure time despite missing someone when they did not respond to the organizer’s texts. That person got a ton of flack, of course, but was fine because we just left them at the hotel.
For a small trip with only a few people, I would not call hospitals. I would inform their supervisor or, if you are the supervisor, inform HR. There are protocols in place for when someone drops off the radar while on a trip. And all of this assumes that it’s not first thing in the morning when the assumption is they overslept or are hungover.
depends
100% depends on the individual. I travel with #1 / Over Scheduled Boss. I’d leave without him. One of us has to show up to the client we’re visiting on time, and it’s not going to be him if he’s putting out fires on an unexpected call with another client. I also travel with #2 / Finance Bro, who loves to go out at night and over do it when he’s away from wife and kids, and you better believe I don’t think twice. I also travel with #3 / Mr Generally Responsible, who is generally on time and professional, so if he’s late I’ll call, but also at some point I’ll just dip and go to the event/meeting/whatever we’re expected to be at. #3 is probably the only one I’d get concerned about if they were totally unresponsive or missed a flight. Although if #1 missed a flight and didn’t give me a heads up, I’d prob call the home office/office manager and start a low key search party but still get on with my own schedule).
depends
But, I would never call a hospital, the cops or anything like that. Inform the home office and that’s about it, unless I’m asked to do something extra by management because I was still in the destination where colleague went missing.
Anonymous
Depends on the colleague and the context. Funny story on this. I was on a work trip and colleague had not shown up in the hotel lobby at our appointed meeting time. I had seen her at breakfast, so I knew her flight had made it in the night before. It was not uncommon for her to be a little late, so I wasn’t terribly worried. 15 minutes go by… call her cell, no answer. Slightly concerned. Give it another few minutes, have the front desk call her room. No answer. Still no answer on her cell. Fairly concerned at this point. I went to knock on her room and hear “Help! I’m stuck in the shower!” The shower had those sliding glass doors and it had popped off the track somehow and she was legitimately stuck in the shower. Had to call maintenance to save her. Thank god for hotel showers that leave the towels on the rack IN the shower, because otherwise that would have been super awkward.
Anon
Oh man, your poor coworker. I would have been completely panicking; I’m claustrophobic.
Anone
My paralegal suddenly quit without notice. I came in this morning and found a four-page handwritten resignation letter on my desk. In the letter, she accused me of being “vitriolic” and “unprofessional” and said that I made personal attacks on her in a feedback session we did yesterday. She was my only full-time employee (I run a very small law firm, I’m the only partner) and I hired her last November. Her work quality had really fallen off in the last 4-6 weeks; whereas for the 6 months before that she was doing great. I was calm and unemotional during our meeting and showed sympathy for her even as she cried and threw accusations at me which were either greatly exaggerated or completely untrue. I didn’t get angry as I had sort of expected an emotional reaction from her. I was supportive when she told me about how she was going through mental health struggles. Knowing she is sensitive, I led with compliments on specific things she had done well in the past, told her I thought she was smart and capable, and other supportive comments. I’m flabbergasted and overwhelmed with all the work she has left undone. She’s young – 26 – and I’m 46. If anything I think I was too nice as a manager, as I sort of took her under my wing since she has no family in this state and honestly, I liked her. Don’t know exactly what I’m looking for here – just wanted to vent, I guess.
CHL
I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like there’s something else going on there so this internet stranger gives you permission to let it go.
roxie
I’m sorry. it is beyond hard to manage someone with severe or untreated mental health challenges. I have experienced this myself. It’s not your fault.
Anon
It’s wildly irresponsible to jump to “Sever untreated mental illness” here.
Anonymous
IDK, a four page manifesto left for your flounce from a job only a day after a performance review sounds a little unhinged to me…
roxie
good thing I said “severe OR untreated” then.
Anon
Maybe she is truly crazy, but it seems unlikely for someone to scream/cry/call you vitriolic if you really haven’t done anything unkind. It sounds like even here you’re presenting her as a a crazy person while you were perfect in every way and could have not in any way have done in anything wrong.
If someone called me vitriolic, or if I made someone cry that intensely, I would take a look at myself to figure out what truth there is to it. It doesn’t sound like you’re even momentarily trying to do that, which to me would raise a red flag internally.
Being comfortable making someone that upset and being able to be called vitriolic without getting even a little bit phased (outside of the irritation with the work left behind and thinking you were too nice to her) honestly kind of baffles me. If she was really great for 6 months, it doesn’t seem like she could be so unhinged as to make up a wholly unfounded reality like that.
Ask other people about how you make them feel! It’s a good chance to see what you may want to learn and grow around
Anon
I totally agree with you. If nothing else, use this as a small moment of self-reflection. Maybe it really is on all her, but it’s healthy and wise to do some introspection.
Anonymous
You’re misreading me. I am fazed. Very much so. I feel confused and hurt by her letter. She didn’t call me vitriolic to my face, she said it in the letter. I would not have been comfortable at all if she had said that to me in person. As for presenting myself as perfect, it was actually quite the opposite in the meeting. I went out of my way to point out that I myself struggle with some of the same things she struggles with and I also have different problems; for example, I’m disorganized and that’s why I have technology tools to serve as workarounds. When she said she’s experiencing depression, I told her I understood and I’d been though it myself. I also mentioned to her that even though she is behind on work, but there are some things that I’m behind on myself, so whereas that’s not a great thing, it doesn’t mean she’s a terrible employee. It just means that she’s behind on some things and needs to catch up. Really, all in all I was trying to get her to simply tighten up a bit on her work product, as I know she’s capable of better, and I told her as much. I was very specific in the examples I gave her of things that were not done accurately, but I limited it to just a few things do as to not overwhelm her. I made sure to give her positive feedback as well, as I was concerned about laying too much negative feedback on her at once. Again, I know that she is sensitive and I understand that because I’m sensitive myself. This whole experience has left me feeling hurt and confused. It was as if after I left, she sat down and thought up a way to twist or exaggerate all the things I said. I think it’s possible (likely?) that I overshared things with her and that we got too close to the point where she thought of me as a friend. Boundaries at work, as in staying in a professional and non-personal role with my employees, is something that I struggle with. That is what I meant by being too nice. I know it’s a problem in that I’ve had employees take advantage of me before, but I did not expect THIS to happen.
Senior Attorney
I feel for you, OP. One of my gigantic hot buttons is when I feel my good intentions have been misjudged and it’s just a horrible, horrible feeling. I’m sorry this happened.
Anone
Thank you. That’s exactly it. I really wanted this to work and I think that led me to be too familiar in the way I related to her, and it totally backfired more than I ever would have predicted.
Anon
I don’t know, I work for a large (100,000+) org and I’ve DEFINITELY worked with some people who have this type of behavior. Some people just want to see themselves as the victim rather than look inward when receiving any form of negative feedback. Ironically the two people I’m thinking of were both admins in their mid-40s, so I don’t think age necessarily has anything to do with it.
Anone
You’re misreading me. I am fazed – very much so. She did not call me vitriolic (or many of the other adjectives she used) to my face – she said it in the letter. If she had said that to me in person I would have been very uncomfortable, to say the least. This letter has left me feeling confused and hurt. It was as if after I left for the day, she sat down and thought out ways to twist/misinterpret/exaggerate everything I said. I went out of my way to give her positive feedback. I limited the negative feedback to three examples of things that hadn’t been followed up/done accurately, as to not overwhelm her, even though there were many more things I could have said. As for presenting myself as perfect – it was quite the opposite. I talked with her that I struggle with disorganization, and mentioned that I have technology tools that I use as workarounds. When I talked about the fact that she was behind on some assignments and she got upset, I shared with her that I’m behind on a few things myself. So being behind does not make you a terrible employee, it just means you’re behind and you need to catch up. I mentioned that I think she’s smart and has done a lot of good work, I was really just looking for her to tighten up her work product a bit. I asked if there was anything going on with her personally. She talked about the fact she is depressed (which we had already talked about) and I told her that I understand and support her and that I’ve been there myself. So no, I do not believe I presented myself as perfect. I probably overshared some things with her, but I do like her as a person and I did not want her to feel bad, I just wanted her to improve.
Bonnie Kate
ugh, I feel for you. We’re a bit bigger than you (10-15), but still a small business. At the risk of getting flamed, it’s really frustrating to be a small business and manage employees right now. There’s a huge feeling that employers have to give more and be more flexible and adapt to the employees culture – this is all great and true for a lot of employers – but we still need stuff done right! otherwise there’s not going to be a company. For small businesses, one employee’s performance really matters and we can only have so much to give.
Here’s an example – We had someone work for us for 2 months, we went out of our way to make sure they were accommodated, including giving 7 days off paid for child-related appointments within the first/only 2 months working for us – no questions asked. The same person resigned with a list of 9 things “they just couldn’t get over”. One of the things was that they were told they had to wear the same branded shirt that everyone else in their position wears (which is super normal to require for this position at any company). they also personalized a company meeting where we went over policies with everyone; new and old employees a like – lots of ad hoc discussion – absolutely nothing directed at this employee. but when they resigned, they said the whole meeting had been directed towards them. It was a lighthearted and informative, standard company meeting for the entire staff.
We did look inward. We really, really wanted this person to work out. We want our company to be a place where people are happy to come to work. But frankly, it’s exhausting when just doing normal professional things turn into irreconcilable reasons an employee quit.
No advice, just commiseration.
Anone
Exactly. I even told my ex-employee that whereas I like her as a person, I am her boss, and that is the reason why we are here. I felt it needed to be said based on her tone, attitude and the defensiveness that she presented. I really did not expect that level of emotion and no-holds-barred reactiveness. I pay her well, I give her time off whenever she needs it, I provide benefits….but it’s a job, not a friendship or a romantic relationship.
Anon
I see you hired my former employee. Even if you never “friended” this person on social media, block on all platforms. It’s impossible to know if this is the beginning, middle or end of the episode for her.
Anone
Thank you, I will do that.
Anon
Put the letter away for now, as continuing to read over it probably isn’t going to help at the moment.
At a later point (but not too much later), take it out and read it again and ask yourself: is all of this feedback unfounded? Are there elements of this that are true, and I just have a hard time admitting it?
In every letter like that I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen a few, not addressed to me but to the people who call me in to deal with the fallout from the mic-drop resignation) there is a mix of true statements and untrue statements. The true statements are usually stated very bluntly, which causes an emotional reaction in the reader. But the bluntness of the statements doesn’t make them less true. There are likely some nuggets of wisdom you can take from the letter – even if 95% of the claims are baseless – that will help you be a better leader in the future. It’s possible this person has problems that have nothing to do with you, and her emotions were doing the talking when she wrote the letter. That doesn’t mean everything in the letter is untrue, and completely discounting all of the feedback given is a mistake, as it means you are likely not to learn from this experience and do things differently in the future.
I also like to remind leaders that your direct reports are watching everything you do and everything you say. There is no such thing as “having a bad day” where you can let loose on people to vent your feelings and it won’t affect your team’s morale. We all have moments where are are not the bosses we want to be, but those moments need to be followed up with explanations and apologies and hopefully do not occur at-all frequently. In a two-person organization, the dynamics can be very close and personal but sometimes that leads to weak boundaries being in place. Ask yourself if that might have been the problem here. And then take a deep breath and think about hiring this person’s replacement – how do you want to structure the position, and the relationship, so that there’s a better outcome next time?
Anonymous
Instead of self reflection you imply she’s crazy? Yikes
Anon
Goodness. I’m surprised by all the people criticizing you. It sounds like you did everything you could. She has her own things going on, whether they’re mental health related or authority-figure trauma or just immaturity, it doesn’t matter. Take what lessons from this you can and move on.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
Ehh, most people here seem to be on OP’s side, even willing to provide some armchair diagnoses for the employee.
Anon
Eh, it seems like there’s at least one commenter around here who’s particular brand of trolling is to nitpick and interpret any given post in the worst possible light and try to create a “debate” out of nothing. I really doubt the criticism is in good faith.
Anon
This happened at my husband’s job with a junior employee. He went on to post a lot of crazy stuff online about the company and his direct boss, including many months later. Be careful — sounds like a serious mental health issue at play.
Anon
I may be reading too much into this, but do you know an employment lawyer? I wound the surprised if she tries to sue for hostile work environment or something similar. Is she financially stable? Will she need unemployment? Is she going to take action against you? I always think of ways to protect myself first.
Anon
Help me find a dress for the “welcome dinner” prior to my wedding? In August, at a cool restaurant in NYC. Doesn’t need to be white, but light colors would be nice. No off the shoulder or one shoulder, and I don’t like skirts that are very full (i.e. no 50s style silhouettes). Bonus points if I can wear it with my Coclico Okapi sandals in the mint green color.
Anon
Sandals: https://coclico.com/collections/sandals/products/okapi-sandal-edera
Sunshine
Caphillstyle posted several white eyelet dresses today that might appeal to you and look great with those sandals.
https://caphillstyle.com/capitol/2022/06/10/happy-hour-sippin-and-sittin-on-a-porch-swing.html
Anon
Oh man, that dress doesn’t even look good on the model.
Anoneighmys
This is a stupid amount of money, but I love it and it would work with your sandals, I think. https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/mac-duggal-angelica-midi-dress?category=dresses-formal&color=000&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
Anon
That dress is really similar to this one, which I was going to suggest, but I think they’re both a little too formal to go with those sandals
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/embroidered-floral-halter-neck-dress/6854474?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCocktail%20%26%20Party&color=641
OP
Thank you both, I love both of these but they feel a bit too formal for the venue!
Anon
I think it could work because the dress is the showpiece. The shoes are nice, they work, they’re comfortable, but they’re not stealing the limelight. That’s a gorgeous dress, too!