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Vicky Austin
I’m more interested in the pants, frankly – what a lovely color.
Anyone have any recs for an ergonomic footrest for under the desk?
Anne-on
Oh, good question. I’m using my under desk elliptical more for a footrest than an elliptical at this point so I should probably switch to something lighter/better suited to that purpose.
Another Anon
What are people wearing to concerts these days? Southeast, country music if it matters. I clearly haven’t been out in… a while.
Pep
Is it indoors or outdoors? General admission/standing or assigned seats?
If I was going to an outside show, I’d wear shorts, sandals, and a lightweight top.
You will likely see a ton of girls in tank tops, short denim skirts, western boots/booties, and straw cowboy hats.
DeepSouth
operative word being “girls.” I am a frequent concert goer. Adult women are less likely to wear the “official cowgirl bachelorette” costume.
Most venues require clear bags now, which means you may want to wear jeans with functioning pockets if you’re going to be indoors so you don’t have to deal with security issues.
Casual is king now. My wardrobe is jeans/sandals/cute sleeveless top or sundress/flipflops for outdoor shows that are going to be steamy.
anon
I ended up at a small town Friday night Rodeo a few weeks ago – lots of cowboy boots, or slip on shoes with jeans. It was just shy of shorts weather at the time or I’m sure I’d have seen a blistering array of shorts showing leg or cheek and far more denim skirts. For the younger crowd of ladies the tops were skimpier (cut off, low cut, strappy, miniscule wrap tops, etc) western jeans, big dangly earrings and hair down. For the older crowd it ranged from camisoles (a little lace, not full up l*ngerie) to tee shirts or western shirts with the jeans. The older women had eye catching necklaces over dangly earrings.
I’d say you’re safe with band or ‘cute’ tank top, hat, denim skirt or shorts with boots or slip ons if it’s a casual affair. If more formal or indoors jeans and slinkier top with boots and jewelry.
Anon
Belated thank you to everyone who posted “apple-shaped plus size wedding guest” dress ideas in yesterday’s morning thread — this is SUCH a big help. I had come across some of them before (the Kiyonna lace dress in particular, which is still a frontrunner) but after a while there are so many options I don’t know what’s what anymore.
Anonymous
My sister wore a lace Kiyonna dress to be my bridesmaid and looked amazing, in life and in pictures.
Cora
Morning Anon whose boyfriend keeps being late –
Just read that and had to give my two cents. My fairly new boyfriend also tends to be late. He and his friends have never planned something that started on time. Our first couple dates he was like 15 mins late, which I didn’t mind, but then once he forgot to buy tickets for an event he wanted to go to, and then was like 40 minutes late to a date. Both of those times I said something but didn’t make that big a deal of it. Still, since then he has been completely on time, probably early, for every date, and also stepped up in planning things, more than I ever would have expected.
I don’t know if its a good comparison, but I was just impressed that even though others in his life are also not punctual he saw that it was an issue for me and completely fixed it.
Anonymous
+1 for it matters if he addresses the issue via improved actions
I’d cut more slack for navigating new situations that involve plans with other people not just you and him. If his parents have a certain way of doing things, or even health issues that you don’t know about then he may struggle to balance that. My MIL had bowel issues that she did not want DH to disclose until we had been dating a while, resulted in some awkward situations where I thought she left abruptly because I offended her somehow.
Ellen
I do not think it is unreasonable to insist that our boyfreinds be punctual. I do not enjoy waiting for any man, particularly schlubs who have a 1 track mind. If they really want what we have to offer, we should only offer it when they live up to their end of the bargan; namely that they make arrangements for the date, including getting the tickets for a concert; making dinner reservations at a place they’ve cleared with us (no Taco Bell, thank you); arranging for transportation to and from all venues (no subway, please); and paying for dinner, transportation and any other niceties for our benefit. As long as the guys do all of this, they will have fulfilled their obligations to us, so then, and only then, should we reciprocate and live up to our end of the bargan, which is implied from the beginning of the date. On the first and second dates, we should not get physical at all with them, which gives us time to evaluate the mens’ pluses and minuses; when we get to the third date, we can then decide whether we want to have a 4th date. That will turn on how the man does at the end of the third date.
anon
It’s a good point that being willing to fix something once he realizes it’s an issue for you is important. My husband was chronically late when we first started dating. It was part of the culture of his family, and we were very young (still in college). Once he started dating me, and I insisted on being on time, he saw how much it affects the people who are on time when others are late. He also started implementing some of my strategies for being on time–nobody in his family ever modeled “basic” things like working backwards from when you need to be somewhere, or getting completely ready to leave before you sit down and watch TV, or even keeping all your stuff in the same place so you can find your keys when it’s time to go.
And yes, there may be legitimate reasons for being late. Our son has a very difficult time with transitions, and it can take us forever to leave the house. We’re working on that, in many different ways, but for now, we often have to choose between arriving 15 minutes late but sane and arriving 30 minutes late and frazzled from a huge meltdown and fight about getting dressed.
Anonymous
I would say that, in the instance of his parents sleeping into dinner time, he should have been more communicative earlier, but I probably would have just gone to get the food, which was not a bad solution on BF’s part, had the meal, and regrouped later. His defensiveness is a problem, and maybe even a dealbreaker, but I would probably want to get a better understanding of the situation when you weren’t in the heat of the moment. The one part of your side that rubs me a little wrong is your insistence that his parents “are tired” and “need the rest.” I wasn’t there, obviously, but I read this as passive aggressive on your part.
Anon
I don’t know, I think I’m on the boyfriend side here. Yes, he should’ve communicated and asked her to come over later. But it sounds like she was weirdly tied to the 8 PM time, and kept on insisting that his parents must not have wanted dinner with her because they took a nap. I just don’t see what the problem with going to pick up dinner and eating 40 minutes later was.
OP
Hmm.. I guess I just felt like I showed up to the apartment and they’d been asleep and didn’t want me to come in. It just felt reasonable to me to assume they needed rest, and I felt like my boyfriend was trying to force it to work when they were both tired. I wouldn’t have minded eating 40 minutes later, but I just didn’t want to insist on meeting when they were waking up from a nap / didn’t want me at the apartment.
Maybe it’s just a difference in expectation, but I feel like if I show up at someone’s house and I’m not allowed inside/they’re just waking up, it seems like they’re probably tired and want down-time. If I were waking up from a nap and didn’t want a guest inside, that would be what it was for me…
Anon
You are not trusting your bf to k ow his family. In my family, picking up dinner and coming back would be completely normal. And I would get annoyed at somebody who kept on insisting they knew what my parents wanted better than me
Anonymous
Ok so now he has to go back inside and tell his parents that dinner with you isn’t happening after all because you showed up and unilaterally decided it was too late for everyone and left, so they woke up for nothing?
Anon
Is there anyone besides me who thinks that BF also fell asleep?
Anon
I think he fell asleep or lost track of time , and is afraid to tell the OP that because she will get made at him for being “irresponsible”
OP
Thank you everyone for these responses! I agree with everyone about the change in behavior being important or willingness to listen. Honestly, lateness doesn’t really bother me that much, and I totally was understanding of the fact that his parents needed sleep. It also didn’t bother me that intensely that he forgot to text beforehand. I think the biggest thing was just that he blew up and shut down when I tried to explain why I felt a bit uncomfortable with the situation. The sentence “I showed up and received a text once I was here saying the time no longer worked” set him completely off and prompted a big argument about how difficult I was being and how I was creating a fight.
I could totally handle lateness, but I don’t want to get blown up at any time I make a small comment like that. And yes, I think I was probably being passive aggressive to some extent with the “they need rest,” but I also am very uncomfortable ever imposing or feeling like I’m putting people out. I get anxious about other people’s needs, and I know that I’d be very uncomfortable being in a setting where there’s even a chance that people would prefer I wasn’t there. I know my BF would never tell me directly if his parents were tired, and so it felt like having to set a boundary to communicate that I didn’t feel comfortable with plans that seemed at odds with them getting to rest.
Anon
How did you want him to respond to that comment? We don’t know the whole context, but it seems like you were trying to start a fight.
OP
“Yeah, sorry, I should’ve texted you beforehand.” Is making a comment about the situation like that really starting a fight?
Anon
I think you guys are just not a good match and should break up. Based on this story, neither of you were exclusively in the right but just have different preferences
Anon
I think it is a very passive aggressive sentence. If that’s what you wanted him to say, you should’ve said “hey I wish you would’ve texted me to let me know and I could’ve come over 40 minutes later.” Instead, you are tying to get him to guess at what you want.
Cora
“Hey I’m sorry, I should have texted you earlier”. It’s not that hard at all.
Vicky Austin
How is that comment in any way inflammatory? It’s a statement of the facts.
Vicky Austin
Anyone who blows up at you for that and says you’re creating a fight is someone you’re better off without.
Formerly Lilly
Amen.
Anon
I can see both sides here on the original argument. It was crappy that his communication was so poor before you showed up. It was crappy of you to not take him at his word that going to get some dinner together and bringing it back for his parents would be ok.
But it was extra crappy of him to lose his sh1t at you over a disagreement, and if you boil it down, for me, the issue is communication style rather than a list of you did this wrong I did that wrong. Drop the initial disagreement and work on that.
Senior Attorney
For me, anybody “blowing up” at me would be an automatic dealbreaker, the first time it happened. I am too old to be fighting with people who are supposed to care about me. Disagreements, fine. But no fighting.
No Face
Same. No one is blowing up at me about anything, ever.
Anonymous
Not clear to me what OP means by ‘blow up’ though. Like my drama llama mom will say someone ‘was so mean to her’ because they happen to have a different opinion on where to go for her quilting group lunch. She’s just exhausting and perceives it as everyone is mad at her if they don’t agree with her.
OP
Eeek, I know I must seem so defensive, but I’m just so surprised by some of the responses on here. By blow up, I mean that before I’d even finished my sentence (which was very gently/softly phrased), he started saying “Oh my god! Jesus Christ,” like it was the the most exasperating and dumb thing at the world. Continued on to say he had no way of knowing I’d show up at 8 pm (our plans were made for 8 pm), that I was creating a huge amount of conflict for no reason (again, a single line spoken as softly as possible about feeling uncomfortable with the situation), and then refusing to look at me/speak to me as we continued to walk in the same direction. The reason I ended up not going to dinner with them was not because I was point-blank against it (I’d said that if he felt like they were genuinely up for it, I’d still come), but because his anger at me was so palpable and he ultimately refused. I said “I want to come, I don’t want it to be awkward,” and he said, “No, I really really don’t want you to, please don’t. Just go home.”
I’d made a comment about how “I feel like this relationship only works if I don’t have any feelings/needs” based on his initial anger response to me gently saying I didn’t feel comfortable. This is something we’d talked about before and he’d said he’d work on (ie, not getting angry whenever I request anything or say a negative feeling I have). He’d promised to work on it and had admitted to it being a problem, but then went full-out borderline-yelling, accusing me of creating conflict over a single comment.
Anyway, it just seems like a lot of people on here are labelling me controlling or anxious. I just really felt like his parents probably needed rest and then got sad when he started going off at me for saying I was uncomfortable. Again, in the end, he was the one to cancel the plans to hang out because he was so angry at me for saying the thing about boundaries/needs (which makes sense, but also it wasn’t like we didn’t meet because I was so committed to 8 pm dinner and couldn’t dare be flexible in my dinner schedule.)
Senior Attorney
Based on this it seems clear that you two are not a match. We really don’t need to do a deep dive into who’s right and who’s wrong because you are unhappy in this relationship and that’s a great reason to end it.
If you are worried about whether your needs are reasonable, maybe get some individual therapy to work on that. But don’t do it in the context of somebody who is constantly belittling you.
Anon
OP, I think there are a lot of people projecting their own issues on you, or making totally baseless assumptions. Your boyfriend sounds like a d1ck and I would break up with him ASAP. You deserve better!
Anonymous
Whatever went down during this situation “cancelling plans” =/= to him kicking you out once you got there (“I really, really don’t want you to, please don’t, just go home.”). OMG this is worse than exhausting. My best advice is to extricate yourself from this relationship. Good luck to you.
Anonymous
This almost sounds like a trust issue. You need to trust him that he will communicate with you if you are not wanted at the event. Are you sure that you want me to come over for dinner? is a one time ask. Once he says yes, you need to let go of the need for constant reassurance. He needs to work on his punctuality but you need to work on your anxiety as well.
Anon
I still think you should just break up with this guy.
But I also think that you could consider that “going with the flow” a little better would have created a better outcome for the situation. I.e., when you showed up and plans had changed, you could have made a decision that A. this is a janky situation and you didn’t want to deal with it (which are the vibes I’m getting from your comments) and then just used your words and said, “you know what, it looks like plans aren’t coming together for tonight so I think I’m gonna head home; text me if you want to meet up tomorrow.” Or B., accepted that dinner was not happening at 8, taken his statements of “let’s go get food and by the time we get back they’ll be ready” at face value, and gone with the flow and gone to get food and eaten dinner on that adjusted timeline. It’s like you went over to his place expecting that he would be able to alter the space-time continuum and make it so that dinner would be promptly at 8, when obviously that was no longer possible.
Also I am just going to say, if you are this much about “I need to be right” with him as you are with us (I’ve seen a lot of defensive responses to comments so far) then yes, that is a “you” problem and something you should work on. It doesn’t excuse him blowing up at you, but if you need to be right and he needs you to be different than that, this is not exactly a match made in heaven. Maybe best to move on.
Cat
ok I think you both have things to work on. If your bf says his parents are happy to have some company for a quick bite after they wake up, take it at face value.
But the remainder of your stories about bf make him sound thoughtless and like he is taking your availability for granted like, all the time, and it’s not a good look or something you should have to train a dude out of. Either he’s into you and prioritizes you accordingly…. or not.
Cora
I think the main issue here is that the BF was rude and defensive. Either be on time, or if you are late, explain what happened and be polite and generally an adult. This particular situation is a bit more complicated, but blowing up what sounds like repeatedly isn’t okay.
Anon
It sounds to me like the bf did explain what happened (and it’s unclear if he was apologetic), but that OP just wanted him to invent a time machine and go back so that they could all eat at 8 because nothing else was acceptable. Sometimes, you need to be able to roll with the events of the day
Anon
She literally said he blew up at her, so what exactly is unclear??
Anonymous
How did he ‘forget to text beforehand’? Like maybe he didn’t realize that his parents wouldn’t be ready for 8pm until it was 8pm and then he figured out a new plan? DH and I never would have worked out if every time we met up for dinner there were like multiple texts involved to make sure everything was on time. Life happens. You need to work on your anxiety.
Anonymous
I’ve been reading this discussion, both here (currently at 25 replies) and the morning one where OP replied to a lot, and I think there are several different issues here.
Should OP dump her boyfriend? I’d say yes, because she does not respect his judgement, and he does not prioritize her needs. This does not seem like a happy fit in any way, and OP should have a boyfriend that makes her happy and giddy and not defensive.
Is he the asshole (I do get an I-want-the-reddit-answer from the original post)? No. They are both assholes, in their own way, in the situations described.
In the parent visiting situation, the person who has guests in a small one-bedroom apartment gets to decide what is an appropriate time to bring in more people. Having sleeping guests is stressful in this situation, being an additional guest is a piece of cake and should be a flexible and easy role – listen to the host, whatever the host says goes. If whatever pops up and something has to change, the person with the most difficult role gets to decide what changes. In this situation, the extra person needs to trust the person in charge (aka boyfriend, here).
In the nap /workout situation, however, the boyfriend behaved in a shitty manner. It’s okay to say “I need my workout time to be a functioning person, just like I need sleep”, but it’s not a surprise introduction kind of thing. That’s a baseline boundary to introduce, just like a boundary regarding punctuality, not a “go away, see you tomorrow”.
Either way it’s fine to dump him, OP. It’s okay. You are allowed to care more about punctuality and planning and having people be dependable in terms of time and notice. There’s nothing wrong with that, just as it’s not universal. I hope you find a guy that is dependable and accountable in the way you need and appreciate, so that you can enjoy the relationship more and have a lovely time.
Anon
I agree with every word of this comment!
No one is completely right or wrong, and you are mismatched.
Anon
I recently had clients in town for a huge event that the firm hosted, and it was my first time really handling everything A-Z on my own for a client. The senior partners fully handed this to me to run and just showed up the day of. Everything blessedly went off without a hitch, but not without a fair amount of me (and consequently many of our amazing support staff) jumping through hoops.
None of the support staff I’m speaking of (office services, reception, marketing, IT) report to me, but I couldn’t have done this without them. 110% the event was a success because of them. I wanted to write each a personal note telling them how much their assistance meant to me and to making the firm look good…but I wonder if I should include a gift card, or if that would cheapen it? If it’s relevant, the people who helped me were the heads of their respective groups, so they aren’t junior employees – we’re the same age or they’re older than I am (and our lead receptionist is old enough to be my mother and, in fact, is sort of viewed as firm mom).
Anonymous
Send a thank you email. And that’s it.
pugsnbourbon
+1. A note means way more to me from a peer than a gift card would.
Anonymous
I think an email copying all of these people, their bosses, and anyone who cared about the success of this event, calling the staff out by name for making the event a success, is the way to go here. Praise in public.
helloanon
I would send a nice email thanking them and CC the managing partner/their bosses.
Anne-on
Send a thank you email, copy their bosses, and then ask them directly if you can write them feedback for their files. I have forever endeared mailrooms to my groups by catering their breakfast or lunch as well as delivering communal thank you goodies post-event. You’d be shocked (or probably not) by how few people thank them for their hard work. When I did marketing at a big 4 we had a line item in our big event budgets for thank you gifts for the mailroom, couriers, receptionists, etc. which I always thought was such a good idea.
Anon4This
I just had a meeting with our CXO and they are investing considerable time in the next year to upskill me in certain areas where I have gaps (areas where my current boss is exceptional). I think this may be some long-term grooming for me to take my current boss’s role if they leave/get promoted. Boss has mentioned many times, openly, that they would be looking to take a lesser role or even exit the workforce sometime in the near future.
I have a lot to learn and it’s going to be WORK but I’m excited. Even if this doesn’t mean any changes, it’s a huge growth opportunity.
Anon
That’s awesome!
Anonymous
Upskill is a heinous word
Anon
Yes.
Anon
JFC that’s not a thought you could just keep to yourself? You really feel the need to reply to somebody’s happiness like that?
Anonymous
Congrats, that’s awesome!
Cookbooks
Password apps. Are there any you really like? I don’t need anything that will automatically sign me in (because that won’t work for some things, as they are internal programs). I hate saving my login information in the browser, but it’s come to the point, where I have a master post-it note for all my passwords. Is there an app where I can just save the password info safely and use it to check a password as necessary?
I apologize if this has been asked before; I haven’t posted in a quite a while.
Anon
Lastpass
Anon
Forgot to add- I work in corporate security and used to work in homeland security and Lastpass is common in these circles.
Cookbooks
Thanks!
Anon
If a recipe calls for shortening, can I use butter? Or do I really need shortening? I know not to substitute oil for more solid fats, but I’m not sure how similar / dissimilar shortening / butter are. It’s for a baking recipe and I feel like baking is less forgiving.
Diana Barry
What’s the recipe? If it is cookies – substitute away, IMO. If it is flaky pastry – depends, I find butter doesn’t work as well.
Cookbooks
+1 With cookies, you should be fine with a 1:1 substitution.
With other things, you may have to adjust a bit, because unlike shortening, which is 100% fat, butter has some water. I want to say amount of butter = 1.25 x the volume of shortening needed.
Anoneighmys
What’s the recipe? Short answer is “it depends”.
Anon
OP: banana bread; I also have a cookie recipe. If shortening is easier to work with than butter or gives truly better results, I can get some, but it will take until this weekend.
Anon
Banana bread is pretty forgiving – I wouldn’t worry about it.
anon
You can make either banana bread or cookies with butter instead of shortening. It likely won’t be exactly the same, but it will still be banana bread/ cookies. It would be interesting to try the recipes with each, plus half and half!
Anne-on
I’d just use what you have. I regularly make banana bread with half apple sauce half melted butter (and have used melted coconut oil for vegan friends). Imho Smitten Kitchen’s double chocolate banana bread is the gold standard ;)
Anon
+1 for coconut oil if shortening is not available or not used. Buy the refined version to avoid the coconut aroma when it’s not desired
Anonymous
For banana bread, I would substitute butter or even vegetable oil for the shortening without worry. Oil will give a moister result. For cookies, butter will make them flatter and crisper than shortening.
Anonymous
Banana bread can be made with whatever. Whatever flour, whatever fat, however many bananas….
If you need to do a hot crust pastry, a spotted dick or shortbread, somewhere that flavor, texture or elasticity or humidity matters, you might want to go specific on the fat.
I would absolutely use butter for cookies because I love butter and hate hardened vegetable fat. You might get a different bake, more caramelisation or more crumbly cookie. (And more tasty.)
Anon
I use olive oil for banana bread. Turns out excellent.
Anonymous
So we’re total city slickers who bought a suburban house recently. Got hit with strong storms last night/this morning and it seems like one of our trees had a birds nest in it because since this morning there have been two small/baby birds on the ground below the tree in the grass; likely they fell out of the nest though we see no nest nor any bigger mother bird around. This morning they were clearly alive; now I’m not so sure as I don’t see movement but I think there’s some chirping. Do I need to do anything here or can I just hope they’ll fly away/leave?
I’m not interested in touching any kind of animal, nor do I have a shovel or anything to remove them if dead, nor do I want them in my garbage for the next week as the city doesn’t come around for many more days. Not to be gross but the landscapers are due to come in a day or so and if they don’t move, no way those guys will see two little birds in the grass as they run their huge power mowers. I want these things gone, not dead and attracting mosquitos/animals – WWYD?
anon
They won’t fly away or leave on their own. Left alone, they’ll probably be eaten by another animal.
Anon
Not probably, definitely
Vicky Austin
Alert the landscapers? They’ll probably be able to deal with it.
An
If they have even a few adult feathers, their parents will watch out for them and feed them on the ground until they can fly – it won’t be long. They mature astonishingly fast.
If they don’t have any adult feathers, google, then contact your local wildlife rehab for instruction on renesting them.
Anon
Yes fledglings often try to fly too early and fall out of their nests. Their parents know how to deal with it. The best thing to do is to leave them alone.
pugsnbourbon
+1. A fledgling would probably be fine on it’s own. If it can hop and fly short distances it should be okay.
A nestling – which looks more like a frog than a bird – would need assistance if you’ve got the time to reach out to a rehabber.
Source – some years the robins that nest on our porch are clumsy.
Flats Only
TBH, as a homeowner you really need a shovel. If they are dead it works to just dig a little hole and pop them in there with the shovel, cover them up and let that be the end of it. No need to put them in your trash. If they are still alive call your county animal control or police non-emergency number and ask for advice. They can put you in touch with a wildlife rehabber or other appropriate party.
Anon
OMG just pick them up with a plastic bag and throw it in the garbage.
Cat
oh honey, you are going to need to toughen up your stomach if the thought of removing a dead bird from your yard gives you this reaction.
Anon
+1
You will need a shovel for the dead possum that you will get sooner or later.
Anon
And to deal with the 5 foot snake that has the dog so upset in the yard!
Anonymous
And the squirrel, chipmunk, and bird that the dog has managed to kill despite having no teeth.
KS IT Chick
I currently have a dead rabbit in my backyard, clearly visible from the dining room window. If one of the local coyote/coy-dogs doesn’t carry it off before Sunday, we will put on leather gloves, put it in a lawn bag and dump it in our trash. As per instructions from local animal control.
This is part of owning a house in a suburban area. Rabbits, squirrels, snakes, deer, they can end up on your lawn and need to be removed. Only one of those will get animal control attention.
Anon
In addition to what everyone else has said, dead birds wouldn’t typically attract mosquitoes. Flies like dead bodies but mosquitoes are attracted to standing, stagnant water.
Grace
I got off the plane today to discover that the rooming arrangement for this conference trip didn’t have me sharing a room (extremely standard in this industry because our budget is tiny, expected, I was willing to work with it) but a bed, or sleeping on one of those rolling cot things or the floor. Apparently someone on the trip is important enough to rate their own room, which means five people (mostly strangers) fitting into two rooms with two beds each, and no one thought this was worth mentioning to other attendees until we were in the air.
I talked to the hotel person and got my own room, because you’ve got to have some standards in this life, and I have said I intend to ask the financial office about reimbursing me for this because surprise bed-sharing with strangers, what. I’m not sure it’ll go well, but come on.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah I’ve shared hotel rooms before (also industry standard) but sharing beds is an absolute no-go. I’m glad you were able to get another room and i hope they reimburse you!
Anon
I know we have had this discussion before and I get it is standard in some industries/fields for people to share rooms on business trips. But speaking for myself? If I can’t get my own room, I ain’t going, and that’s it and that’s final. Sharing a bed? Oh no. No, no, no. That is not happening.
I’m glad you were able to get your own room but it sucks if you won’t be able to get reimbursed, because I’m sure it’s not a small expense. I would be giving major side-eye to the person who got their own room and forced a situation where three people were going to cram into one room and two people were going to have to share a bed.
Grace
I’m a college student, this is a school-organized trip (hence the budget issues), and he’s a professor. Apparently standard is professors get their own room and students are expected to sleep with as many same-gender people as they can legally fit in the room – in this case, that would have been four people per room at max, so it’s a good thing the gender split was three and two. I saw we were booking six beds for six people and was told that I could “choose my roommate”, and… assumed.
If I do any other trips that are far enough that we’ll be staying the night, I am definitely going to ask exactly how the beds are supposed to be distributed.
anon
yeah, this is one of those bits about academia where going from being kids at school, to students at college, to careers in the same environment means that there is never a sharp transition to ‘adult business norms’, and people in it are often blind to this fact. Minimal professional norms and infinite overlap of private and professional life, all because they all pretend that they stayed in school forever.
Anon
Yeah, room sharing is pretty standard for students, even at the graduate level. But bed sharing is very weird.
Anonymous
Oh the fact that you are a student completely changes this.
Anon
It would be highly inappropriate for the professor to share a room with a student. Obviously the professor gets his/her own room.
Grace
I don’t inherently mind the idea of the prof getting their own room, but I would really have preferred if they’d at least explained before I got on the plane that I’d be expected to share a bed with a stranger because the prof gets two of our six. I would have made arrangements differently if they’d explained that would be the case.
Anonymous
Whoa – this is totally different. That’s completely normal for college students. In fact, of all the trips I went on in college, I never had my own bed. It’s never appropriate for professors to share a room with students, so it makes sense they got their own room. If I were you, I wouldn’t expect to be reimbursed by the college – especially since you could’ve just asked to sleep alone if there were 3 people for two beds or use the cot.
Anon @ 8:27
Also, to add: this is why it’s important to include full and accurate context in original comments. Your original comment implies this is a post-grad professional job with colleagues, not an optional trip by your college with a professor. The two could not be more different. It changes everything lol
Anonymous
“I would be giving major side-eye to the person who got their own room and forced a situation where three people were going to cram into one room and two people were going to have to share a bed.”
Or you could give this person the benefit of the doubt and assume they might have a serious medical condition that requires privacy and and give the side-eye to the organization.
Anon
Or that as a professor they feel it’s entirely inappropriate to share a room with college students(!).
Anon
+100
Anonymous
Holy cow. I’m 47 and have worked for not for profits and even room sharing isn’t common anymore. That is all kinds of crazy pants. Not to mention liability. My last small association didn’t even want staff walking into someone’s room no matter how innocuous.
Not to mention, pandemic….?
Anon
Even if innocent, waking up to someone from work spooning me . . . aiiiii!
Senior Attorney
Oh my Lord. Congratulations for having standards!
Anonymous
Jeez. I had to do this for a thing in college and I was angsty/not thrilled about it then, but it was somewhat a friend, so okay, but it ended up with me in a bear hug in the middle of the night because she was used to bedsharing with her BF and got confused. It was ultimately innocuous and a source of humor but if that had been a co-worker . . . OMG. I would never be okay with this post-college, and really I wasn’t post-high school.
Vicky Austin
I did this a couple times in both high school and college, and I distinctly remember the anxiety surrounding it. Every time, I’d fall asleep clenched still lying flat and straight, and wake up exactly the same.
Anonymous
I have never been ok with this, even high school/college. I slept on the floor rather than sharing beds on friend trips. Just no thank you.
Anonymous
Don’t ask. Tell. “Boss, we need to talk about this. I don’t know who decided it was ok for me to share a bed with a colleague but that is inappropriate and not acceptable to me. I have moved into my own hotel room and expect my expense reimbursement to be processed promptly.”
Anon
LOL she’s a college student. This would be a completely inappropriate response. College students share rooms on trips or they don’t go.
Anonymous
Ignore this. You should have mentioned that you are a student. Sleep on the cot.
Anonymous
Professor or non-student staffer sharing a room with students = no. Grad student sharing a room with undergrad = no. Students of same gender and degree level sharing a room = yes. Students of same gender and degree level in the same room with a rollaway = yes. Students sharing a bed = no.
Source: multiple college and grad school trips.
Anon
As a college athlete we would always do 4 to a room and sharing beds was the norm.
Anonymous
Wasn’t there a rollaway?
Anon
So I’m at my second conference since 2020 and while I’d already realized that heels were over for me, I’m now realizing that also applies to basic flats (mine are d’orsay pointy toes) with thin soles. So here I am, looking for “looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker” like I’m in a late ‘90s EZ Spirit ad. But hopefully something a tad more stylish.
What shoes have you found that are ok for business looks but actually feel as close to a supportive sneaker as possible. Please don’t say Rothy’s.
Anonymous
Clarks. I have zero fashion sense when it comes to shoes so I think they’re fine. I’m sure the fashionable people will say they are dowdy looking but it’s not like wearing sneakers or something – they are leather pumps.
Anon
You’re reminding me that I actually own the Clark’s Sharon Pump in navy blue. They’re kind of butch cool, I think.
They cut slightly into the top of my foot but better that than the fresh hell that is the bottom of my feet right now. I wish I’d brought them on this trip!
Anon
yeah no if such a thing exists, it won’t be stylish. BUT I would try brands like Trotters and Walking Cradles and pick the most stylish option. These brands are comfortable.
Lydia
I would recommend looking at the classic comfort brands: Ecco, Vionic, Camper. sometimes you have to lean into a little “funky/artsy” if you want comfort that still looks like you’re not giving up (thinking here of Camper oxfords, for example). A loafer or an oxford will generally give you more support and also feels a little more on trend. Maybe also investigate nice sneakers (depends on the formality of the conference, obviously, but I’m a professor and now wear sneakers to teach, which I thought I’d never do… monochromatic-but-colored is one way to make them look intentional. But still maybe too casual for your contexts). Clarks is also good for that comfort + business intersection, although you have to filter out the hideous ones (I say this as the owner of many clarks…)
Anonymous
Clarks!
Or if you have lots of money, Ferragamo Vera/Viva.
Anon
Rothys.
Also SAS shoes, that my grandmother wears, have some a lot less dowdy than what my grandmother wears. Spendy for a not-s*xy shoe, but they are constructed so darn well that I no longer care. I have a round-toe flat (I know, I know) in metallic snake that goes with a lot.
Vionics tore my skin and made it bleed, but if they work for you, I’ve heard they are great.
Anon
SAS are so unbelievably comfortable.
Anon
Omg Vionics made me bleed. Thank you so much for bringing that up, everyone seems to love them so much I thought I was the only one!
Cat
tbh I would have greater success in wearing shoes that are obviously comfortable rather than those trying to hide it. Think those Cole Haan sneaker oxfords that are popular with men – there are women’s versions.
anonypotamus
+1 to Cole Haan sneaker loafers/oxfords. Way more supportive and way more comfortable than any sort of ballet flat or heel.
Senior Attorney
I have several pair of these and love them madly.
No Face
My Naturalizer loafers have memory foam soles, but look fairly sleek.
I also saw nice sneakers (dark leather, not white sneakers) on several people at a conference recently.
Vicky Austin
I’m wearing LifeStride loafers (the Traveler) and they look professional and are very comfortable.
Anonymous
I have a pair of naturalizer flats I infinitely prefer over Rothy’s. My Rothy’s are relegated to rain days when I don’t want to chance my leather shoes.
Anonymous
Chunky loafers are where it’s at, unless you have narrow feet like me and walk right out of them.
A
Tods loafers in suede or leather.
Anonymous
late in the day emergency question: do you tip a priest at your kid’s first communion? how much? (it’s just my kid and another kid, and a private mass just for the 2 families.)
Anon
It would never occur to me to tip a priest, and would think it was really odd if I heard about it. If you want to do something, an extra donation to the church.
Vicky Austin
Actually, I think this may be a thing. My very Catholic in-laws reportedly had a small spat the night before their wedding over how much to “tip” the priest.
OP, my only data point is that FIL had suggested $50 because it’s what he could afford, and MIL said no, $100 was the minimum. This was the late 80s, and obviously a wedding rather than a communion. I would think $50 for a communion would be more than enough unless it’s at a bizarre time or something.
Peloton
I feel like that was at least one of the 95 theses…
Anon
We gave the priest an envelope for baptism but not first communion. Honestly, it didn’t occur to me but if it had, I would have done it for communion too. Not because it was expected but as a nice gesture.
Smokey
Not directly on point, but a donation to the Rabbi’s discretionary charitable fund was expected when each of my kids had their Bar and Bat Mitzah.
Anon
I recall tipping our rabbi at our wedding? I’m not sure how we knew we were supposed to. I feel like maybe the rabbi told us point blank a tip was expected? We’re cultural Jews and it was a Reform rabbi and the wedding was held at a hotel.
Anon
Google “honorarium for priest” and you’ll get results. Your parish may even have guidelines on their website.
Anonymous
Holy cow. This seems odd and inappropriate to me. I would consider it downright offensive to tip a clergyperson. They are leaders, not doormen or waiters. Our denomination does collect what’s called “love offerings,” or personal gifts to members of the clergy who are leaving or retiring, but those are bundled so the recipient doesn’t know who gave or how much. I sure hope I didn’t miss something and goof by not “tipping” at my kid’s confirmation. Ick ick ick.
Anon
Does it help if you reframe it as an “honorarium” rather than a “tip”? I’m not sure tip is really the right word, but it’s definitely a thing to give clergy some money for officiating a wedding or funeral. Not sure about communion since I’m not Christian. Bigshot academics get honoraria, so I don’t think it implies the job isn’t important or powerful.
Anonymous
An honorarium would be spelled out clearly in advance and paid to the church, not handed to the priest in an envelope. We made an extra donation to the church for our wedding on top of the specified fee. We did not just hand cash to the pastor at the event.
Anon
It’s not a tip, it’s a donation to the parish. It’s not for the priest exactly, but for the organization. And yes, in my experience it’s expected.
Anonymous
I can’t imagine ever tipping a priest, but I guess I’m socially conditioned by living in a no-tipping culture where the secular society is historically Lutheran, as in abolishing the sales of pardons and commercialized redemption kind of Lutheran. I would genuinely think it was anti-religious to tip, but I also realize that this is a cultural and historical bias and may be totally different where you live. But yes, would do a donation to a cause, not a person. :)
Anon
No – you do not tip a priest for any service (wedding, confirmation, baptism, funeral). What you do is make a donation of an amount you can afford to their church. $100 is pretty typical for baptisms and confirmation- but certainly not mandatory. $500 is more typical for weddings but that depends in part on whether you are paying a facilities feee for use of the church (my own church waives that for members of our parish but we do charge people who are not parishioners who want to use our church because it is very pretty).
In my own church (and I cannot speak to how widespread this is) no charge or donation is expected for funerals. That is a service we will provide to anyone. The parish administrator could give you some guidance if you call the office.
KP
At my church this money does not go into the general fund but into the rector’s discretionary fund. This allows her to help people quickly and quietly.
Worried
After reading this weeks posts about splurging on 295 dollar pants and then this mornings post about whether weight gain as you get older is common, my brain fused some ideas together and I’m now wondering how to gauge how much to spend on clothing after weight loss. I know the answer is likely whatever I’m comfortable with, but here’s what is making me stop to think.
Two years ago, at the start of the pandemic I lost 25 pounds— I went from a size 14/16 to a size 10/12. I’m 51 and figure that in the next five years or so, my body will change again and fluctuate due to perimenopause. After purging a majority of my too large clothes, and slowly starting to replace them with new ones, I find myself irrationally worried that if I buy a wardrobe of new fabulous clothes and splurge, I may gain weight again, so I should be proceed cautiously, I rationally know I should not think this way, but even though I have maintained the weight loss for over two years, (and this is what I weighed in my mid 20s and early 30s) the practical side of me feels ‘guilty’. Not sure if it’s the right word. My husband thinks this way of thinking is nuts and I have to somewhat agree with him, a small part of me is too scared to buy the pants I want, or wear things that fit, I’m still ordering some items to big and keeping them. Not sure exactly what I’m looking for here. I know I can’t predict the future, but I want to buy nice things that I can wear a while, and not have to purge18 years worth of stuff again if things change.
Anon
What you’re afraid of did happen to me (lost weight, got a new wardrobe, gained weight on a medication and don’t fit in the nice wardrobe anymore). I don’t have answers/nice clothes that fit me now really, but I understand why you feel this way!
Worried
Thank you for the reply! I appreciate that some things are not in our control and it’s hard to know what is the next step!
Anonymous
I understand this. I went up a size during the first year of the pandemic while I was mostly working at home. Last I was in the office more and had more events so I had to buy work clothes on the more formal side (not suit formal but not biz causal either). My solution was to buy as much as possible on sale or via the M.M. LaFleur second act store which worked out pretty well (I rebought a few of my favorite pieces at a larger size). Now I’ve lost some of the weight and I’m glad I didn’t give away the things I really liked from my previous size.
Bottom line – life is uncertain. I decided my philosophy is to the best I can to enjoy what I wear but don’t spend a crazy amount.
anon
I get this and have been burned before. My only advice is to buy less than maybe you used to. Buy the size you are now, though, not what you might be a year from now.
Worried
I’ve been buying things on sale so that’s validating to hear. I’m more careful too. It’s the overthinking the decision— as an already indecisive person that takes the joy out the new stuff:)
Anonymous
Buy a few nice things that fit you now and wear the heck out of them before they go out of style. Repeat in a couple of years.
Celia
I lost 15 pounds a few years ago and invested a lot in a fab wardrobe. And now I’m working to get back into it… So I feel you. But here is what I’ve learned. Some items do a lot better than others depending on your body shape. My weight gain tends to be heavily concentrated in my hips and thighs. So changing a size or 2 is terrible for pants, skirts and sheath dresses. But tops and Aline dresses and wrap dresses – I have had to give any of those nice buys up. So think about whether there are certain styles that would still work on your body even when your weight fluctuates and invest mainly there. I’ve also become a huge fan of consignment shopping – you can build a wardrobe with high quality for a fraction of the price and a lot less environmental guilt.
Smokey
I lost about 20 pounds several years ago. I have a spare closet where I kept favorite things that were too big me. Over time, I gained confidence that I would maintain the weight loss (which I did) and got rid of those clothes. But I keep the spare closet for things that don’t fit quite right but I am not yet ready to get rid of. In the meantime, I totally agree that you should buy clothes that fit and that you feel good in.
Worried
You reminded me that when I gained weight, I kept an outfit that was too tight (the skirt part of the set, not the top) and now fits again. It was something unique and pretty that I kept. And I’m glad I did. I will go through the larger stuff and keep what is more unique ( also in a spare box or closet). I can always alter it or get rid of it later. I’m also glad I let go of things that were over ten years old— I love dresses especially, and keep them a long time as they are more forgiving. But as my lifestyle changes, I likely won’t reach for some of them and favour less, but ‘fresher’ stuff.
Anon
For the recent poster who was feeling stressed about their job performance, at least you haven’t messed up this badly! https://twitter.com/ZackBrownDC/status/1535025131017457665?s=20&t=ycmtuHtJPNoZO6wCh–T7Q