What Are Your Thoughts on “Princess Treatment”?
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We recently read a New York Times article called “Can the ‘Princess Treatment’ Go Too Far?” [gift link], which explores the online debate over men's “princess treatment” of their women partners. And sure, like a lot of NYT Style stories, it's probably exaggerating the spread of this trend — indeed, it has a strong focus on TikTokers. Still, we thought it'd make for a good discussion today, particularly from readers' professional (and potential breadwinner) perspectives.
Have you heard of “princess treatment” in male/female relationships? What are your thoughts on men and “chivalry” in general? Is the principle totally outdated? Do you have certain expectations or hopes for how you like to be treated by romantic partners?
Note: This discourse involves heterosexual relationships (cishet, as far as I can tell), but if that doesn't apply to you, of course we'd love comments on how the dynamic can play into LGBTQ+ relationships.
{related: why and how to start couples therapy}
Here are some excerpts from the story:
A husband opening the car door for his wife. A boyfriend surprising his girlfriend with flowers. Remembering her birthday. Tying her shoes. Paying for her nail appointment. Are these normal expectations or examples of the “princess treatment”? [Hmm, this is quite a range!]
If I am at a restaurant with my husband, I do not talk to the hostess, I do not open any doors and I do not order my own food. … [It's] a “gentle way of living” and a “softness” that allows your partner to lead with strength. — a 37-year-old married woman
Others said princess treatment, in general, was just the sign of a healthy relationship. “There’s certain times somebody is going to need to pick up the slack for the other person,” [Charles] Raynor said, later adding, “But I would hope that a lot of the guys would want to treat their girl like a princess.” — a 32-year-old married man
{related: does your love language really matter?}
The article does address the issue of whether this dynamic can be a way to relate to your partner in a healthy way, or whether it reinforces traditional gender roles in a negative way and/or leads to women not prioritizing their own needs. The NYT also quoted a therapist who said men's princess treatment could help acknowledge the invisible mental load women carry.
And on TikTok, at least, there has been a lot of discussion on where the bar is for men “behaving well” in a relationship, with “princess treatment” usually used to describe a man going above and beyond (or a woman expecting treatment above and beyond where most people consider the bar to be). For example, should your partner bring you food when you're sick? Arrange a birthday dinner? Open doors for you?
Readers, what do you think of princess treatment? Is it just a new name for an old type of relationship? If you're in a relationship, how do you balance doing things for each other? Do you prefer when the man always pays for dinner, for example? Do you have a certain view on this because of the culture you grew up in?
Stock photo via Pexels / Jep Gambardella.
that is… a lot to unpack.
Who pays for what is irrelevant to us as we’re a one pot household with roughly equal incomes. It’s not like if my husband surprises me with a $$$ spa day (which I would find fun if it were free to me, but not fun to pay for myself) that it’s not our joint account paying for it. This makes gifting a little more practical but thankfully we both like saying “let’s book a trip as our Christmas gift to each other” or sending each other wish lists of stuff that is just a *little* more than we’d just buy for ourselves.
As far as “princess” behavior, eh, I am behind the spirit of each partner sometimes going out of their way for the other person out of love and generosity and caring… but having the expectation that you’ll do nothing and be tended to hand and foot doesn’t seem particularly appealing to me.
Yup, I certainly love being spoiled, my husband bringing me coffee in bed or other lovely things. And: he also enjoys being spoiled! This being a gendered and one sided thing is outdated to me. But being nice to each other isn’t!
The examples cited are grown women playing helpless children. No thanks.
This seems like another time a writer at NYT saw something online or in a niche group, pitched it at an article meeting, then wrote it up as a Big Trend Happening in Society These Days.
The New York Times article is ridiculous. Instead of treating is as an exercise in journalism and uncovering the online trends and the relentless pushing of tradwife content, it’s sensationalized clickbait. This could have been so much more.
If you want to pursue whatever dynamic (or let’s be ffr here, pursue your kink) in your relationship as a consenting adult, have at it. But don’t act like it’s some sort of social movement for good or for the benefit of women as a whole. Opening doors or getting special treats for a partner is a kindness. Only having the husband talk to the host at a restaurant does jack sh!t except to try to normalize women being silent in the public sphere under the guise of being treated like a princess. And most princesses in history had very little agency. No thanks.
I agree 100% with everything you said here!
Yea pretty much – I like being thought of, and considered, and treated every once and a while – but ultimately I want an egalitarian relationship, where I’m not reduced to a pretty object to be admired and /or babied. I want to be able to be myself, a grown-a$$ woman.
Both parties should want to make each other’s lives better and easier!
Exactly. Does it then become a full-time job to be worthy of admiration? Will your partner still perform the princess treatment when you get older and neither of you adjust your expectations?
100!
My objection: healthy relationship dynamics cannot be described in words that would make cute TikTok hashtags.
I learned the hard way that being independent and not expecting a lot from men meant that I wound up with men who routinely made my life more difficult.
At this point, after a marriage that wrecked me in every way possible, my top qualification for a man is one who is committing to making my life better and easier. That doesn’t look like “princess treatment” in the way this article describes.
Ultimately, good relationships happen when each person is committed to making the other person’s life better.
This feels like the right balance.
When I first saw that article I thought, oh, yes, I prefer to have my husband order for me and put the card down also, even if our money is coming out of a shared pot. But then she started talking about not talking to servers or checking the party in and it seemed a little pathological.
Sounds like a kink to me.
It also is very classist. She usually goes places that have valet parking and she refuses to talk to the hostess, let alone make eye contact. This is just raging snobbery dressed up in relationship talk.
Based on these examples, I think my husband is getting “the princess treatment…”
I’m sorry, but how is remembering her birthday the princess treatment. That should be the bare minimum we expect from a SO