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2019 Update: We still think this is a fascinating discussion of women who out earn their partners, but you may want to check out our more recent discussion of whether there is an alpha and a beta in your relationship.
Women breadwinners are more common than ever, and there have been several recent(ish) articles and studies about the issues that crop up when women outearn their male partners. So let's discuss, ladies — are YOU the breadwinner in your relationship? What issues have you noticed when you out earn your male partner? (For those of you in same-sex relationships, have you noticed conflict or just general noise over who earns more, maybe where chores or parenting duties are concerned?) We haven't talked about breadwinners in a few years, so let's discuss!
To jump-start our discussion, here's an overview of those recent articles and studies about the issues that come up when women out earn their male partners:
- A 2018 study by the U.S. Census Bureau reported that women who out-earn their male partners are likely to downplay their salaries, or their male partners are over-reporting their own incomes, or both. The paper about the study described this as “manning up and womaning down.”
- The New York Times recently reported on this study: “Women are now much more likely to have an education and a career. Yet across most marriages, they still do much more child care and housework than their husbands, and men still feel strong pressure to be the family breadwinner. Today, women earn more than men in almost a quarter of couples, according to the new study and previous research, up from 18 percent in the 1980s. Yet 71 percent of people say that to be a good husband, men should be able to financially support a family, a Pew Research Center survey found last year. Only one-third said that about women.”
- Reporting on the same study, Slate added: “This study echoes others that show women earning more has far-reaching societal costs. In 2013, researchers at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, also using census data, found that marriage rates decline when a woman has the potential to out-earn her husband. When a woman makes more than her husband, the likelihood of divorce increases by 50 percent.
The rise in woman breadwinners is partly because we are are more likely than men to extend our education into graduate school and beyond in many subject areas, including more women than ever enrolling in law school — and a higher level of education often means a higher salary. However, whether women with the same education and experience make the same as their male counterparts is a different matter. Also, since the early 1980s, women have had a lower unemployment rate than men, so even if the husband is capable and qualified to earn more, the jobs might not be there, or they might pay less than before.
To readers in relationships: Are you the breadwinner, or does your partner earn more? Either way, has it affected how you relate to each other? Have you ever felt the need to bend the truth about your salary, whether to a potential date or even friends and family members who may think your partner is earning more than you? Or would you proudly say you earned your high salary, and too bad if anyone doesn't like it? With regard to chores — is there any link in your relationship to who does more chores and who earns more money?
Psst: in the past we shared an excerpt from the book When She Makes More, as well as offered advice for dating a guy who makes significantly less money, as well as talked about different married money management strategies.
Further reading:
- When Women Earn More Than Men [Psych Central]
- Millennial Women Are ‘Worried,' ‘Ashamed' Of Out-Earning Boyfriends And Husbands [CNBC Money]
- 7 Ways To Make It Work If Your Spouse Earns Less Than You [Huffington Post]
- Women Earned Majority Of Doctoral Degrees In 2016 For 8th Straight Year And Outnumber Men In Grad School 135 To 100 [American Enterprise Institute]
Images via Stencil.
Anonymous
Groan. I feel like this is just enforcing sexist stereotypes. I was in Big Law for years while my husband was getting his PhD and in a postdoc. I outearned him by a factor of up to about 8 and it’s pretty fundamentally obvious that Big Law attorneys make a lot more than grad students (or even professors) so we never tried to hide it. None of our friends or family ever commented on it negatively and we would have pushed back hard if they had. Now I’m in-house and he’s a professor so our salaries are pretty comparable (although I still earn more), but money has just never been an issue between us.
Ellen
This is one reason why I never married my ex. He was making a lot less money then me, then he got fired, so I would be the sole breadwinner. Dad thought Alan would exploit the situation, and be the type of Mr. Mom that would be out all day with other ladies while I toiled at work to pay for his dallances. That plus he wanted me to do stuff I was not comfortable doing in the bedroom, so I dumped him. FOOEY and good riddeance.
Would I have felt differently if he made a lot more then I did? I don’t think so b/c I still would not like to have to do even more stuff in the bedroom to playcate him. DOUBEL FOOEY on that too.
Anonymous
This is an interesting comment. Do you think this had anything to do with your husband being in a prestigious career? You may out earn him, but both of you have the highest degrees in your field, so there isn’t an education gap.
Anonymous
That’s fair. I would say my husband’s career is actually more prestigious, certainly at the professor level. There are way more Big Law partners than tenure-track professors. That may be a factor.
Anonymous
I’m the breadwinner and it hasn’t caused any issues, but my husband was raised by a stay-at-home dad while his mom worked so it’s a familiar dynamic for him. I really enjoy spoiling him with meals and clothes he would otherwise never treat himself to, and he is really good about tending to my needs and emotional labor-type things that keep me in good working order so I can lean in professionally. So far, so good!
lawsuited
I am the breadwinner, earning over 70% of our HHI. My spouse comes from a family where his mother was the breadwinner, and his family moved several times to accommodate her career, so our situation doesn’t feel foreign to him and I don’t have to spend any time massaging his ego. I do find that my spouse treats our jobs as equally important and requiring the same accommodation whereas I often think my high-stress, long-hours job as a litigator requires more accommodation and should mean that he does more housework and childcare. We currently share housework and childcare equally on balance, but I think if roles were reversed and he was the one working a high-stress, long-hours, high pay job and I was the one working a lower-paying job that I’d be picking up more of the slack at home.
I still find that societal acceptance that women are breadwinners is still very low. Friends and family assume that I am trying to put down my spouse when I say I’m the breadwinner (this most frequently comes up when people are being nosy about why I take such short mat leaves – the answer is that my family can’t afford for me to be away from work because that’s how the mortgage and majority of our other expenses get paid). No one pats me on the back for being the primary financial supporter of my husband and children – the most common response I get is pity.
Anonymous
I am in a similar position, and also find that my spouse treats our jobs as equally important. In fact, sometimes it seems to me like when I get really busy, he also gets really busy at work – almost like he’s competing with me for who is the busiest and most important. I find that very frustrating.
Anon
My spouse also does this. We currently make the same amount of money, but I have a higher career earning potential than him and currently have a less flexible work schedule. DH has an extremelyflexible schedule. DH is very aware (and says he looks forward to) the day when I will be the breadwinner, but I have noticed that he is really bad at picking up slack in household work. Like, if he is busy at work and I am not, I will just do some of his chores. He normally does not do that for me unless it’s something pre-arranged, like I have a trial or something. I frankly think that this is more due to him being oblivious about what all I do around the house, and what all things he needs to do. I have also found that DH gets upset if I imply that my work is more important than his work.
Anonymous
+ 1 to this….
Anon
+1000 to this
Anonymous
Not to make this “complain about my husband day,” but I also find that my husband does not pick up the slack in homemaking that I would if I were home. We both are pretty good about doing chores, but I feel like I end up doing all of the family life stuff, from volunteering at the school to organizing holidays to planning family travel to managing home repairs and renovations. He would say that I enjoy this. I would say that I enjoy having it happen, and if I don’t do it it doesn’t happen. I think if he were the breadwinner and I had the flexible job it would be presumed that I would do this stuff. But I’m the breadwinner (by a lot – our income ratio is 7 to 1) and yet I’m still the one who handles all of this because he doesn’t think it’s his job.
Anon
+1. DH and I have alternated which one of us is the breadwinner (ie he went to business school a few years after I graduated law school, and we’ve both had high paying/long hours/stressful jobs, just never at the same time).
DH definitely had the attitude others have described – when I was in the high stress / litigator job and he was in a 9-5 position, he firmly believed that we should have equal household chores, etc. But let me tell you, when the roles were reversed and he was the one in the stressful / long hours job, I definitely did more of the housework. In part bc I did have the time and he didn’t, and I didn’t want to add to his stress bc I knew how it felt. But also super frustrating and an on-going source of friction between us…
Clark
NOT to downplay anyone’s feelings re: this topic because I’m NOT married, but I’ve read a lot about how men simply have different standards for what needs to be done around the house, at the children’s schools, etc.
I remember Gretchen Rubin writing about getting out holiday cards one year and realizing SHE was the one who felt they were a necessity, NOT her husband, so when he didn’t want to help her address them, she let it go rather than pick a fight over it.
Anonanon
I mean this gently, but I don’t think any of the above women are talking about holiday cards. The kitchen sink full of days old dirty dishes isn’t something you can “let go of” without deciding to just live in squalor.
January
I’m not in a relationship, but as a reader, I would have loved to see personal perspective on this issue from Kat, Kate, or Rebecca to prompt discussion. Just a thought.
Anonymous
I can’t believe this is still even a topic of conversation — sometimes it seems the media makes it a topic so they can talk about it. I have always made more than my husband. Sometimes, 5 – 7 times more and right now, it’s about 3 times more because I took a job with a lower bonus potential. (When you get laid off and you’re a woman over 50, good luck).
My income has never been an issue, and neither of us care. One year, I think he said “wow, you made a lot of money” when we paid our taxes. Even though we haven’t merged our investments, we consider everything ours.
The only real discussion about was over my will, in that “my” investments are set up in a trust for him. If I die first, he is supported for the rest of his life, and when he dies, whatever is left goes to my family (we don’t have children). This prevents “my” money from going to his second wife. My husband not only had no problem with this, he fully supported it. His dad didn’t do this, got remarried very late in life, and when my husband’s stepmother died, what was entirely his dad’s estate went to her cousin.
cbackson
Does your husband have outstanding alimony obligations to his former wife? I don’t really understand how an ex-spouse would have any right to inherit (but I don’t practice T&E law so…)
Anonymous
I don’t think she means ex-spouse, she means prospective future spouse. She means that if he remarries after she dies, and he then dies, she wants her money to go to her family and not to the husband’s new wife’s. Husband gets money as long as he is alive and then it reverts to her family on his death.
Senior Attorney
Pretty sure the second wife in this scenario is the one he marries after OP does.
Senior Attorney
Haha after OP dies
Anonymous
I think this is about a future second wife.
Monday
I think the OP is referring to a hypothetical future spouse, whom her husband would marry after she herself died, not a former spouse. She says “second wife” and I assume she’s referring to herself as his first wife.
Cat
I’ve always been the “breadwinner” in that I make more than my husband does, but it’s not extremely lopsided — more like 60/40. We have had zero conversations, much less issues, regarding this. When either of us gets a raise it’s good news for both of us (we do “joint pot” finances). We split chores fairly evenly. The only notable difference is that DH is more likely to work from home on days we have a repair or whatever — but that’s because it’s more acceptable in his office than mine, not because his salary is lower.
Elyse
I’ve always significantly outearned my husband and it has NEVER been an issue. I’ve never downplayed my salary or taken on more housework/parenting to protect his ego. To the contrary, my husband has spent more time home with our children and done the majority of household tasks such as food shopping, preparing meals and cleaning. This has worked for us and we value both of our roles. My husband works less, has a shorter commute and a predictable schedule. I value that we don’t spend unnecessarily on restaurants, takeout and household help.
We’ve always viewed my salary as taking care of needs and my husband’s salary goes towards wants. I truly value his contribution. It frees up mental space to be successful in my career and I think of his contribution when I’m skiing with my daughters!
Claire
In my previous LTR (we lived together), I outearned my partner by 2 to 1, but when I referred to myself in passing as the breadwinner of the family (not in the presence of other people), you’d think I accused him of being a lazy, useless lump. Silly to get so hung up on it.
Been There
My experience is different from the other posters so far. My ex-husband said that he didn’t care that I made more, but I definitely think he cared. I don’t know that he cared so much about the actual money part or the fact that I was quite successful in a career that many people viewed as “more impressive” than his (I did not, and still do not, view it that way). He ended up leaving me for another woman who makes, and will always make, significantly less than him. I know the dissolution of our marriage was due to many factors, but I absolutely believe that my success was one of those factors, based on things he said to me near the end and his choice of his new partner.
Many of my successful girlfriends have had the same experience as I have, so I unfortunately think this is still A Thing.
Anonymous
Yes. This was a thing for me in my first marriage. I married young (still in school) to an older “alpha-male” type who worked as a firefighter. When I graduated law school and began working in a career that he viewed as “more impressive” things began to unravel.
He ended up getting remarried and starting a family with a woman who had little education and did not pursue a career outside of the home (not said with judgment, just providing factual background). He is very happy.
It was a horrible experience to go through, but I am glad that he ended up learning a lot about himself in the process. When I started dating again I was shocked at how this was still “A Thing” for the men in my area. At least I had the life lesson to know that it was a non-negotiable “Thing” for me.
anon +40
Same here. Recently divorced a man who, while a card-carrying feminist in many ways, ultimately the fact that I was the breadwinner during most of our 15 year marriage seemed to undermine his self esteem (that came out during couples therapy after his affair & as our relationship crumbled). For years he said it was no big deal, but apparently he was hiding / covering up how much my successful career ate away at him in comparison to his low-key freelancing. So just a warning for women who think their male partner is perfectly happy not being the breadwinner. Social conditioning is hard to fight against & can take a toll over time :(
Anonymous
+1 – They’ll SAY they don’t care, because they know they’re not supposed to. But they really do care. They want you to be successful…just not more successful than them.
It may be like when guys say they want to date a successful, independent women, but only want that as a status symbol for themselves (look at the type of women I can catch), vs actually dealing with the reality of what that means in day to day life.
Reader
+1 It was an issue in my first marriage as well, which ended for many reasons, but neither of us were happy with the situation. I know he wasn’t happy because he ended up marrying a woman who works in retail with no education beyond high school and is now a stay at home mom. My unhappiness was less about the salary difference, which wasn’t that huge, but that he didn’t help out at all around the house, or with childcare, at all (we had one child together). When I worked long hours at my firm we paid a nanny to work into the evening so he could continue to go out with his friends rather than be “Mr. mom”. In the end, we both ended up much happier with new partners. My current husband makes more than me (and spends more than me), but is very helpful around the house and supportive of my career, and I’ve been able to move into a less stressful role in my career now as a result of a more stable situation at home.
I guess I’ve concluded that the issue for me is one of work ethic rather than pure salary difference. I think it’s hard to be happy with someone who has a much different work ethic and willingness to contribute to the marriage or family than yourself.
Anon
+ 1000 This!
ceecee
I’m the primary breadwinner in my household. My spouse earns considerably less than I do mainly because medical school didn’t work out well for him. It has been a strain in our marriage but not to the point of breaking.
At first it was little things like housework for example: I’d come home from work and there would be piles of dishes in the sink. Once I had an outburst and it veered into “oh you are making a big deal because you bring in the lion share of the household income and I don’t”. I finally accepted that he’s not a tidy person like I am and seeing dishes in the sink irks me more than it does him, so I just load the dishwasher when I can.
We did not merge finances after marriage but we do have discussions about large expenses. We sat down and worked out a budget for household expenses and who would be responsible for what. It has worked out well so far; this is not to say that we don’t argue from time to time. We place value on different things but ultimately I get my way. For example, he thinks our child’s daycare is way too overpriced but I place high value on a strong foundation for early childhood education because I experienced firsthand bad public school education and I’ve had to claw my way into financial stability.
Anon
I out earn my husband, and my mother outearned my father. It’s not an issue for my husband, and it wasn’t an issue for my father, because they are grown men, not babies. End of story. NEXT!
Anonymous
I honestly wonder if the data about women out earning men are because they both have stable full time jobs where she just happens to earn more, or if he has a spotty work history and the stress is about more than a lower regular salary.
Anon
I feel like a more 2018-type conversation would be what to do when you and your husband’s careers are equally important, and you are both breadwinners. We are 30ish and have not had kids yet. I’m a lawyer. DH is an engineer. We both make about the same now, but I have a higher career earning potential than him. With his friends, most of the couples assume that his career is the more important one. They did not understand why we had to be late for a weekend trip because of my “work thing,” etc. With my friends, they assume that since I’m a lawyer, I must be the breadwinner, etc. I also think this is an issue at work. Quite a few of the women at my firm are the “breadwinners,” and their husbands do all the cooking, etc. It would probably surprise them that DH makes slightly more than I do.
Because of this, we can’t just delegate all of the housework/future childcare to one person. Right now, we make enough to throw money at the housework problem, but I realize that they may not always be the care.
Anon
I earn roughly 4x my husband’s salary and cover most of our expenses. We have talked about it, and he is incredibly supportive. He helps a lot with household chores – cooking, dishes, laundry, etc. — and doesn’t shy away from helping the kids with homework. We take turns staying home with the kids based on whose schedule is most flexible on a given day. Ours is a very egalitarian marriage, though I probably still handle more details with the kids and school than he does.
I see some comments asking why this is still a topic — for my part I think it is still highly relevent. While we have an equal marriage, there are only a few couples in our social circle and at our childrens’ school where the spouses are equal or the woman is the breadwinner. Things are definitely improving, but we have a long way to go. Thanks for making this a topic.
Anonymous
+1 on your second paragraph. This is still a thing. My in-laws were horrified when we said we’re moving because of my career. Nasty things were said that belong in a previous century. Ironically, DH found his best job ever in the new city, and makes ~30% more than me now.
Anonymous
I am in a similar position, and also find that my spouse treats our jobs as equally important. In fact, sometimes it seems to me like when I get really busy, he also gets really busy at work – almost like he’s competing with me for who is the busiest and most important. I find that very frustrating.
Laura
It’s still an issue. Notice how at social gatherings someone will point out, “she’s the breadwinner in the family.” Whether said in a neutral or negative way, no one ever points out when a man is the higher earner. As one poster said above, I’m the higher earner and in conversation most people express pity to me instead of making a positive comment.
Anon
I have been earning 5-10x what my husband does for the last 10 years, and I’m starting a job next week where I’ll earn 15x his salary, so I’m definitely the breadwinner.
It wasn’t always this way… I met my husband just after I finished highschool, and he was working. He helped my with my uni tuition and living expenses for four years (he still refers to that as his best investment!).
Just to provide a counterpoint to some of the stories above. We have been married for 17 years, and I genuinely think my husband has no problem with my earning more than he does. He’s definitely not an alpha male though… he is quite laid back and happy to enjoy the toys that we are able to afford. And I’m happy to watch him enjoy those toys. I am not great at relaxing, but it brings me a lot of joy to see him having fun.
Anon
If you’re earning 15x what he does, why does he even still work? Hardly seems worth it! If my spouse made that much more than me, I would definitely ask him if I could just quit and get into volunteer work, do family stuff, etc.
Anonymous
I am an attorney and my husband is an engineer. He does more than his fair share of the housework and is a terrific partner. Although his salary is less, his job is important to our family and he takes great pride in his work. Most of his colleagues are male and the primary earners. They frequently make comments along the lines of “you don’t really need this job, your wife is an attorney.”
NYNY
It’s complicated. DH earns very little as a musician, and the volatility of his income makes it impossible to count on. So I’m the breadwinner, and he is very respectful of my career and the demands it places on me. He does the majority of the housework, bends to my schedule, and is my biggest fan.
But in public, he hates when someone comments on my earning power. He perceives any mention of it as an affront to his masculinity.
Men have ISSUES.
Portia
I earned 4 times more than my ex-husband and it was a big, big issue to his parents. They seemed to think that the reason they didn’t have grandchildren was because I was too materialistic to live around the poverty line but that if husband made 5 times his salary (so the household income would stay the same) I’d quit my job and have kids. So they pushed him into working commission-based sales jobs with high potential earnings… which made him miserable, didn’t actually increase our household income, and certainly didn’t make me change my mind about having children.
Anon
To provide other experiences- I’m in a same-sex relationship. My partner has always out earned me (though not by a significant amount), but because they don’t understand what she does and I am an attorney, people (including our families) automatically assume I am the breadwinner. This hasn’t created any issues in our relationship, we share household responsibilities equally, but I can tell it gets to her in social settings.
Anon
I can understand your partner. It gets to me in social settings too when people assume DH earns more. I’m glad my husband is supportive and while he doesn’t necessarily jump in with “actually, she makes way more money!”, he emphasizes the importance of my job to our family. I appreciate this and I’m sure your partner appreciates the same.
anon
I have outearned my husband for most of our 10-year relationship. It’s only last year and this year that he’s earned more than me. We will likely flip again in a few years based on career trajectories. He has always been completely cool with it. I on the other hand am not enjoying not being the breadwinner right now.
As my dad always says, “I don’t get why guys have an issue when their wives outearn them. If your wife makes more money, then your household has more money. Sounds good to me.”
Anonymous
I find it interesting that this is a similar situation to NYNY above, other than the actual amount of the disparity between partners.
Anonymous
Oops, that was meant to reply to Anon at 4:21.
Lucky
I find this stereotype is very much still around. My husband is a teacher and I out earn him considerably at an in-house attorney job. We are definitely in the minority in the outer ‘burbs, where many women work PT, SAH or have an intentionally chosen lesser intense job.
I personally think he is sensitive about it but he’d never admit it. Of course he gets mad props from the other mother’s for doing expected parenting tasks.
Reno
I’ve always out-earned my husband, but initially not by a lot. I remember, right after our first child was born almost 10 years ago, we had our first and only major argument about our earning potentials, which ended up with him coming to grips with the fact that I likely had a more lucrative career path ahead (and had, in fact, brought in a lot of capital into the marriage after the sale of a company I helped start).
That was helpful because, in the last 5-6 years, the gap widened so that, last year, my income was 3x his. So when my company asked me to go abroad for two years this summer, it was a no-brainer for him to do something he’s always wanted to do: pursue a master’s degree in a purely academic field. It’s a win-win: he’s been able to spend quality time with the kids (with hugely positive impacts on behavior), supervising homework, doing drop offs and pickups, and for the first time, I’ve been able to really throw myself into work sans guilt.
Anon
On that last point “Reporting on the same study, Slate added: “This study echoes others that show women earning more has far-reaching societal costs. In 2013, researchers at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, also using census data, found that marriage rates decline when a woman has the potential to out-earn her husband. When a woman makes more than her husband, the likelihood of divorce increases by 50 percent.”
I am sure a huge proportion of this higher divorce rate is due to women being able to afford to divorce an unsuitable partner. Last week, many women here voiced the concern that they never considered reducing workload for fear of being left financially unstable by relationship circumstances (be it divorce or death). But also, being able to support yourself gives you the freedom to initiate a divorce without financial considerations when you find yourself with an unsuitable partner. I think this is the large, unspoken fear that women’s growing earning potential has on some men. It’s not just a psychological hang-up that he must “man up” and “support a family” but an expectation that making more money alone is enough to keep a partner around forever (or until HE decides it’s time to part ways). I really believe that equalizing earning potential is forcing a new generation of men to look at being supportive partners in a new light.
Kapow!
I’ve outearned my husband since we were first dating, when he was a farmer. It’s never been a problem because of his feelings or anything.
I did find it frustrating when he was farming because for much of the year he had to work very hard, very long days, 6 or 7 days a week, and he made very little money because he was working for the family farm and his family paid him just a few cents over minimum wage (which is a whole other discussion…). This meant that my income covered almost all of our expenses, plus he was usually either at work or exhausted so the cooking and cleaning fell to me as well. He’s always been great at helping out when there’s actually time in the day for him to do so, but the way we had to live for much of the year was very hard on me and ultimately not sustainable.
Now he’s a house spouse and we’re expecting our first child. This is much betterfor us, as he enjoys – and is great at – developing and maintaining household systems. Having him home during the day taking care of the house means our evenings are free to spend together. Plus when the baby comes we won’t have to worry so much about child care.
Whenever my status as breadwinner is mentioned in public he seems proud of my success and comfortable talking about it. He sees how his contributions to our partnership support my ability to excel in my career and bring more money home and he’s enthusiastically embraced his role.
In previous relationships with men my ambition was often belittled, pathologized, or dismissed so I’m grateful to have found a partner who supports and respects my career.
Maria
I’m a biglaw attorney (in my second year), working hard but generally enjoying what I’m doing. But I can’t shake this niggling feeling that I’m missing out on something by working at one firm, in one city, doing one kind of work. By nature I don’t think I’m the type to stick to one career or one firm for 5-10 years or more, and I don’t think I have the chops to make partner at my firm, even as a second year.
I also don’t like that my earning potential is fixed and known if I continue on this path, and that because I almost certainly won’t make partner, it’s capped. But when do I leave? Do I stay in law? How do I go about making this decision intelligently and carefully?
sigh
I’ve always made more than my husband…. the few times I didn’t have more take home pay it was negated by the fact that my job has all the benefits and his doesn’t even offer a 401k. Household labor has been improving in the time we’ve been together, but I’m usually the one who has to remember, remind and plan everything and I tackle the bigger/detailed cleaning jobs. Ex: He’ll do the dishes, but I’m typically the one who does most of the rest of the kitchen.
Lobbyist
I always out earned my (now ex) husband because he couldn’t really hold a job. It was a problem because he didn’t pick up the slack at home — I had a babysitter who picked kids up and took care of them and a house-cleaner to clean up. It would have saved us money had he been willing to do those things but he didn’t want to be a “house husband” so I made all the money and did all the work. He was also an addict and alcoholic. I’m now dating someone who I out earn and we don’t live together but he already does things that indicate he is willing to pitch in. I had a party and he saw that we ran out of forks and he washed them! He takes out my trash and helps me with minor chores that he knows I dislike. I don’t need more money, I need other things from him, and he seems genuinely supportive of my career and my job.
JCL
“we ran out of forks and he washed them!”
Such a sweet anecdote.
Thanks for sharing.
Anonymous
I found all of your comments so insightful and fascinating. I am the current breadwinner in our relationship. My SO is in his mid 30s and graduated law school in 2008, got a PhD and still hasn’t found his footing. I find that me making more than him is more of a reminder to himself that he isn’t living up to what he thought he would be making at this time. :/
I do think there are important differences to uncover here: I think if someone makes over a certain amount of money that they have enough discretionary income to buy almost anything they want, it doesn’t really matter how much more a spouse makes over that point. Most people just want to be able to have enough to buy what they want without having to ask their spouse for money or get in trouble for frivolous purchases. A couple that is woman $50k v. man $35k is going to have different feelings than a proportional income of $150 to $105 (depending on the market of course). Any hard feelings for the later couple are psychological, and relate to feelings of prestige and self worth, whereas the relatively poorer couple is likely to have fights over who will buy Christmas presents, what housing market to be in, and how big of a tv to buy. Plus, it is unlikely that both feel they have a fulfilling career.
Jessica
My husband grew up believing that work was what one did to allow him/herself to pursue other passions — hobbies, time with family, travel, etc.
I grew up believing that work is a place in and of itself to define our personhood, contribute to humanity, and learn about the human condition.
With this in mind, it has been very easy for my husband to support my more lucrative career, because it was no identity threat to him. He wasn’t seeking meaning from his career, and, by me earning more (and him taking up slack at home / sacrificing his prospects somewhat, etc), he was still achieving his goal — having the financial resources to pursue his passions (tons — our kids, woodworking, playing bass in several bands, basketball league, and on and on).
Maybe it is the men who look for identity in their careers who have a harder time with women who earn more, especially if supporting her career requires him to sacrifice opportunities for advancement in his job.
Angie Anspach
I have out earned my husband now for a few years…finally all the hard work has paid off! (schooling and years of experience). He is super proud of me and very encouraging. He tells everyone!
corky
last year i became the breadwinner when my husband who always outlearned me figured it was better for his business not to take a salary, yeah that was a decision we made together but sorta stinks since we never worried about anything financially. i still make over 6 figures but cutting our money in a third is bit of a life change. i joke with him about you’re lucky that i stuck with my conservative job and am not just the secretary his parents relate my job to. i’m a full fledge engineer and some reason they think i do customer support cause i go visit customers (yeah to sell them stuff) but thats another issue since his dad and i went to the same college (you can only be an engineer if you graduate) so duh we have the same education but cause i’m a woman i can’t be smart (such an old way of thinking) but anyway i can’t tell his parents that yeah this secretary is supporting your boy. but i do ask my SO to put in some laundry or maybe you could make dinner since he works from home and i get looks like its such heart ache. i’m like sure i’ll pay the bills, cook, clean and then food shop. he’s always like you know this is temporary but feel free to keep earning more. we have a running joke were i want to retire (still probably 20 years away) but i tell him when he sells the company i’m retiring and he’s like go ahead keep making money cause i’d love to not work. but it is interesting now cause i pay for all the dinners out and he’s had to ask me for a check (we keep separate bank acts) so its tough on him since he was always the one making double or triple my salary.
anonymous
To the comments asking if this is still a thing.. yes. Maybe even more so in the deep South.
When I got an executive position in a new city, the first reaction from most people was “what will your husband do? Can he work from home?”, not congratulations.
DH is happy to let me be the breadwinner as he figures out what he wants to do after burning out in his previous role. I enjoy having someone else do the home stuff: shopping, cooking and cleaning. He doesn’t clean to my standards, but I’m learning to deal with that.
ReluctantBreadwinner
Fairly new ‘breadwinner’ here… and I’ve been thinking about this issue a lot recently and was wondering if anyone here had some advice.
My husband dropped out of college but does very well and is at about the top of his earning potential. My career out of law school started very slow due to economy, government job that didn’t pay much, small firm job that didn’t pay much better, and now I am at a government job that pays reasonably well by my standards. We both had a lot of job changes and salary fluctuations, but as of last year I outearn my husband and my earning potential is much better and he won’t make much more than he is now. So I will be the breadwinner for the remainder of our careers unless something drastic happens.
My husband has never had self esteem or ego issues about this. If anything I stressed a lot about not earning more than him in the first few years when despite all my degrees I had trouble finding work and even when I had work he still outearned me.
I think I am having a problem of the opposite kind. My husband mentioned at an outing with a bunch of my non lawyer friends that once I make a certain amount more than what I am making now, he wants to go part time and coach sports etc (he was an athlete and this is a passion of his). I was taken aback, because my immediate thought was that I was going to have to keep doing what I am doing (full time job and all the household admin such as setting up doctor appointments and paying bills and more than half of the housework) while he gets to go pursue his dreams. He already works from home and I don’t see him doing more of the housework than he used to before. If I am sick or too busy with work, he will happily take care of our child, but most of the housework is stacking up until I can get to them. If it is the other way around, I care for our toddler and also do as much housework as I can! My thought is that unless he can show that he can consistently pick up more of the household admin and housework, he can’t go part time because I have no faith that he will do more once he works less. I guess financially we would be able to make it work with him going part time, though I would prefer to save more and retire earlier rather than have one of us go part time. But I wonder if I am being unfair. If our roles were reversed he would be fine with me going part time. Can I insist that he not go part time based on standards I set (like more housework and he still needs to make over a certain amount of money)? What would be a fair way to consider this? FWIW, I am lucky to not have student loans but we still have a mortgage etc, and as a government employee I do okay but I am not making bank here… I think both of us are satisfied with our jobs too, so it’s not like either of us are miserable with working.