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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Drop-Waist Button-Front Cotton Midi Dress

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A woman wearing a black midi dress and black strappy heels

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I know the groundhog said we were in for a long winter this year, but that doesn’t mean I can’t dream about wearing crisp cotton shirtdresses. This drop-waist cotton midi from Nordstrom Rack would be a great option for the first day the temperature is above 60 degrees.

I’m hearing that chunky belts are coming back in style for 2026, so I would go into the back of my closet to add a wide belt to this for some extra shape. 

The dress is $49.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes XS-XL. 

Sales of note for 4/24:

255 Comments

  1. I’m seeking paint color suggestions for a north-facing home office that doesn’t get a lot of natural light. I work from home, so am interested in colors that will look nice on Zoom calls while still reading as professional. Any recommendations?

    1. Our home office is North Facing and we have a kind of light olive green paint that Looks Professional. If that sounds promising I can pop back with the name.

        1. Look up formal khaki by Behr. This is a color I’ve been using in my houses for literally 25 years. I love it. It’s a kind of medium olive green that works well with wood, gold, and silver. Total neutral.

    2. I love Ben Moore Atrium White. I will add that when you go to the paint counter ask for a product with high refractory properties.

      1. form my web search: Key options for maximizing light include:
        High-LRV Whites: Pure whites (e.g., Swiss Coffee, Simply White) offer the highest reflection (85-95 LRV), ideal for maximizing brightness.
        Mineral Paints: These provide a matte, highly diffusive, and luminous finish that enhances light.
        Heat-Reflective/Cool Paints: Technologies using titanium dioxide or specialized additives are designed to reflect solar radiation, improving both brightness and energy efficiency.
        Maximum Reflection Technologies: Experimental paints using barium sulfate particles are designed for extreme brightness.

        For the best results, select colors with an LRV of 60 or higher to make a room feel more open and bright

    3. I like a cool, pale blue on the walls for brightening my low-light rooms.

      For a space dedicated to frequent Zoom calls, I would decorate and illuminate with that in mind more than I would a general living space. Diffuse light sources placed to avoid weird shadows or reflections, a background that isn’t distracting on camera (no unmade bed in the corner, make sure any artwork or framed photos don’t give bright glares off the glass, etc.).

    4. My old home office was Benjamin Moore Mauve Mist, which is kind of a moody pink/purple/taupe that looked interesting but still neutral as a background. My new office is Sherwin Williams Naive Peach. It’s a little more fun and less stuffy, but it’s an orangey-peach which is not everyone’s cup of tea.

      1. This is what you want. Choose whichever colour complements your complexion, and make it subtle so it’s an off white with a subtle hint of the peach/pink etc.

        For the love of all that is holy, do not make it shiny.

      2. I can’t remember the exact paint we used, but that looks exactly like the color of my home office. I chose it because I liked it with no consideration for how it would appear on Zoom, but it looks great on camera.

    6. My go-to color now is Sherwin Williams Natural Tan. In my house, it works in the bright areas with lots of sunlight, and darker rooms with little or low light. It is the perfect backdrop for art (of many kinds and hues).

      1. Mine are Sherwin Williams Light Moves and Turkish Towel (for a slightly more pigmented shade). Both are neutral with a slightly pink tone that is beautiful in well lit spaces as well as lowlight. I’m working from my Light Moves office today on a grim gray day and it still feels bright and inviting without seeming chilly.

    7. What paint colors wouldn’t read as professional?! I could understand not wanting it to look like a nursery but I think that comes down to way more than paint.

      2. My home office is in my home, so I decorated mine to my personal style. My office at the office is where it’s boring and professional. If it really matters, just use a zoom background but don’t deprive yourself of any space in your house for the sake of the office.

      3. I’m just waiting for people to say pink… but why wouldn’t pink be professional?

        (Also who paints their walls neon?!)

        you can say that certain colors are more flattering or certain colors won’t look as good on zoom because you want light, but those aren’t things that make something professional or unprofessional

      4. I don’t think pink, peach or lilac are good ideas. They say girl’s bedroom to me.

    8. SW Sea Salt is really nice in all sorts of lighting. I have it in my office, which has natural light, and in the laundry room, which has none. It works very well in both spaces, even if it looks slightly different (leans more green-toned in the room without natural light).

      1. This is one of my favorite paint colors. It does vary quite a bit on how it looks depending on the light.

      1. I used this paint in my house with white ceilings & trim in rooms with several different exposures. I like it because it has a hint of warm undertones, NOT green, but that’s personal preference.

    10. Try Sherwin Williams West Highland White. It’s warm and creamy and looks great in any light, including northern light, which can make walls look cold.

  2. My husband and I have recently received notifications about data breaches that we may have been exposed to (related to healthcare). In the past, this has happened once or twice, and I’ve always sort of ignored it, and nothing bad happened.

    Is it worth signing up for those free credit monitoring services? Some of it sounds a bit scammy, to be honest.

    1. Freeze your credit, maybe do the other stuff if it’s free, but it’s not as important. At this point, pretty much everyone should assume their information has been stolen and keep credit frozen except when actively applying for something.

    2. Whether you have received notice of a data breach or not, just freeze your credit with each credit bureau. It’s easy and free. Various sources guesstimate that ~250 million US adults have had their personal info exposed on the darkweb so it’s a no-brainer to just freeze your credit.

      1. I took this advice many years ago, and the only time it has come back to bite me was when I was making a purchase where I could get an additional percent off if I opened their credit card. I did, and was declined. In the moment, I didn’t have the information I needed to unfreeze the credit for this purpose, so be aware.

    3. cybersecurity professional here.
      Personally, I keep my credit frozen all the time and always check my credit card and bank statements for odd charges, but have never signed up for identity monitoring. Data breaches are so, so common. The worst thing about a healthcare or insurance breach is the potential to expose your health information, which you can’t change and can be used in ways that identity monitoring wouldn’t catch anyway. Sorry this happened to you.

      1. Also in cybersecurity and concur with this poster. I’ll add that what Elon and the DOGEbros did was largely a data exfiltration operation, with exactly how that data will eventually be used TBD (almost certainly nothing good). At this point, my finances are easy to monitor. Everything else? 🤷

    4. We’ve never done anything after the (many) data breaches we’ve been notified about and it’s been fine. We do have our credit frozen though.

    5. I hope it’s okay to add on here — to those that have frozen your credit, do the credit bureaus then spam you to death with alarming alerts to try together you to buy their monitoring services? I had a bad experience from simply pulling my credit report from Experian.

        1. Actually, yes, they can and do do this, but you have to just go and opt out of those emails then they’re silent.

          1. There was no way to unsubscribe. Experian would engage in various scams like making me “sign in to adjust my email settings” then there were no settings available and a deluge of popups etc.

          2. Sign in to adjust your settings with a link in the email? that sounds like phishing. It’s possible my Gmail just filters this spam from my primary inbox really well, but I have never gotten any email or snail mail from a credit bureau, and I’ve had my credit frozen for probably 10 years.

          4. Experian was the worst. However, to have my credit frozen and have that level of security, spam away- they go straight to a folder and I never see them.

      2. i don’t think you’re supposed to pull your credit report, just freeze it. some places will require credit reports from all three bureaus.

        1. Yeah, sorry that was unclear. I was checking the report for other reasons but once I gave them my contact information I got spammed so I’m wary of doing it again. I thought I’d give them my actual information since it was for confidential data but they didn’t treat it with respect so I’m hesitant to contact them again.

    6. Another vote for keeping credit frozen at all times. When we refinanced I briefly unfroze it and the deluge of credit card offers that came in immediately made me rush to refreeze it. Last I looked there was even an option to unfreeze it if you’re applying for a credit card or something.

    7. my last employer paid for a few years of some Experian monitoring after all our data got breached, and I signed up for that. But the info is basically the same that I get be default through my Chase app.

    8. Yes, I signed up, and recently got a notice that my SSN was out there. I would rather know than not know.

  3. How is this dress “drop waist?” I know that is the description from the Nordstrom Rack website, but the waist doesn’t look dropped to me and maybe looks slightly high.

    1. I’m not seeing a drop waist, either. Do better, retailers. This is basic stuff (that used to be written by an actual human being but is now likely AI slop).

      1. I feel like AI would have gotten this right, whereas an intern might have no concept of the difference between a drop waist, a gathered waist, etc.

    5. Definitely not a drop waist, but I have a similar black, cotton, slightly A-line shirtdress and it’s really versatile.

  4. I like to pull my hair back from my face during the day. What is your favorite place to purchase headbands or barrettes? Looking for an upgrade from the Goody ones I get at Target!

    1. I’ve had the same claw clips for 20 years so decided to “splurge” and got some new ones from Goody and Kitsch. Kitsch hand down was the best.

      I know the brand Machete is popular at J.Crew for barettes and things.

      2. I also purchased one of these. Lovely and very expensive. Just know they may be slightly smaller with Euro measurements than comparable clips in the US. I wasn’t able to make them work for my very fine but thick long hair.

  5. What’s a good sunscreen for this time of year where it’s gray all the time? I guess I want something very light or multitasking?

    2. I focus on moisturizing this time of year. My face needs all the sun/vit D it can get in the winter.

    3. I use EltaMD all year. I love it and get it on the FSA Store website with my HSA card so, according to girl math, it’s free!

      1. Wait but girl you’re not supposed to spend your HSA money — invest it and let it grow tax free. There’s no time limit on when you have to use your HSA money (for now), so I keep a separate list on my computer of large medical bills that I could justify taking the money out for later.

        1. Hoping that was a slip since she mentioned the FSA store website. Spend the FSA, save the HSA!

        2. Agree with both of these! I use the non-tinted Elta MD daily, year round, after my moisturizer and serum. AND, I don’t use HSA dollars but use those as another investment vehicle (advice from our financial planner).

      1. This is what I use. Sometimes I switch to spf 15 in the winter, which does feel noticeably lighter than the 30, but it depends what’s on the shelf at the grocery/drugstore

    5. I still use factor 45 day cream from either Cerave or La Roche-Posay. My skin is ageing well without needing to use Botox etc so I think it helps.

      Also remember to wear sunglasses outside in daytime, even in low light.

  6. My first cousin was a bigger guy, but typical by current standards. Otherwise healthy. Office job in a smaller city. He is now one of many people I’m aware of who has died of colon cancer <50 (46). In prior generations, people made it to late 60s/70s in a world before statins and with diets of country people who cooked with lard; no smokers. WTF is going on now?

    As an aside, I get why fake health is so prevalent. Real healthcare providers seem overwhelmed with seeing you in 10-minute-ish increments. The internet meets the need for people to really feel seen. But it is also so full of woo and nonsense.

    If you wanted to go through life taking care of yourself and getting good health guidance in 2026, what would you do? I don't even know anymore — good clean living can only do so much and my sense is that by the time you are sick, it might be too late once you get seen if anything is wrong.

    1. If I were you I would treat my anxiety and stop spiraling. In prior generations lots of people died young. You sound insane.

      2. +1 – anxiety will do nothing. As an early-onset cancer survivor, I will tell you that I did nothing different than anyone else I know, and in fact lived healthier (run marathons, eat well, maintain a healthy weight, etc.). I fully believe my cancer was environmental, and not something I could control. My tactic now is to do my best, but not stress, and do my screenings early and often. Don’t be stupid, but don’t not live your life.

        1. It’s a combo of complex genetics + environmental contributors (which includes what you eat and are exposed too and more) and bad luck. That’s hard to get our minds around. So there is rarely one cause for anyone, however much we long to search for one.

          I hope you are doing well and have a long healthy life.

      3. +3

        Also all those pioneers living on lard were doing hard physical labor and weren’t overweight. It’s not rocket science why they had lower rates of colon cancer. But they had much higher death rates overall due to many other things.

    2. As Michael Pollan wrote years ago: Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much.

      Also – subscribe to the Nutrition Action Newsletter which is one of the only good sources for nutrition information. You could also read about Blue Zones.

      Pay attention to gut health and eat probiotic foods like yogurt, kefir, fermented cabbage. Beans are good for fiber and your heart.

      Move your body and strength train. Get enough sleep and at consistent times.

      Pay attention to your body and see a doctor if something is different.

      There’s a whole other environmental component to this – microplastics and Roundup and that can take you down the woo train of like WiFi giving you cancer. Try to pay attention to local debates or issues where you can make an impact. Vote accordingly.

      1. If you eat proper meals, with real food, you won’t need supplements. Have you ever read the nutrition labels on Cheez-Whatevers? Zero nutritional value, but the calories fill you up, and then sit on your hips. I had surgery recently, and they were shocked that I take *nothing* at the age of 56. My cardiologist said “why are you here” and “don’t come back unless something changes.” I have low blood pressure and very low cholesterol. I eat out six times a year.

    3. I’ve known two otherwise healthy adults who died (painfully, after years of treatment) from colorectal cancer before 45. Both had symptoms and had to advocate to get the scans that diagnosed the cancer because (several years ago) doctors weren’t looking for signs in younger people and initially brushed them off.
      We don’t know why there is an increase in this diagnosis, and it’s probably a lot of different factors. Googling will show several publications talking about this issue and explaining that the reason is unknown.
      That being said, also have always been people who die younger of cancer. I just found an article from Yale Medicine that says younger people should be aware of the warning signs and seek help when they notice the signs, which I think is the best thing you can do for your peace of mind.

    4. I think you do what you know has been proven to work, with the understanding that you can’t prevent every bad thing that could happen. I have known several healthy people my age (mid-40s) who died or nearly died from pulmonary embolisms. One was a marathon runner. There was no indication that she was going to drop dead at 41.

    5. My MIL was skinny, ate healthy and exercised, and still died of colon cancer at age 50, in 1989. It’s not a new thing.

    6. Your life expectancy is still much longer than people in the past. FWIW, plenty of those people living off of lard died of heart problems. My relatives certainly all did.

      I’m not sure why it would be too late to get healthcare once you realize you have a health condition. Frankly I’d rather have cancer now than any previous point in history! We are lucky to live in the time we do.

    7. Honestly, I’ve become very suspicious that pesticides (obviously) and low-fat diets (less obviously) are culprits. Thinking primarily of “healthy” people like Kate Middleton, how they are likely to eat (low fat, vegetables, etc.) and I think of pesticides and fake food. It’s all very alarming.

      1. I think it’s a lot of factors, including pesticides. I read somewhere credible (think scientific journal, not buzzfeed) that proximity to a golf course is a predictor of certain illnesses like Parkinson’s and probably others. Processed foods don’t help. I also believe that all the supplements we are marketed now for our health might not all be as good as advertised (see the recent lead findings in protein powder).

        But OP, I am sorry for your cousin and for your loss. You’ve suffered a loss. Saying you sound insane is just wildly tone deaf to me. You sound like a normal person trying to grapple with unanswerable questions.

        1. I’d support a paraquat ban (among others) as well as adequate regulation of supplements.

          I’d also like to see regulation aimed at identifying and clarifying the threshold of safety for everyday products for household pets, not just for human household members, with clear labeling. I hope that would also it easier to find ordinary products that are safe for humans with higher risk conditions (who are often just out of luck; we’re still waiting for corn allergy disclosures, gluten-free labeling that excludes “may contain wheat” cross contamination CYA, and added inorganic phosphate quantification for people with cardiovascular and kidney conditions).

      2. My best guess is that there is an ideal range of fat: too much, and you wind up with a heart attack; too little, and you get colon cancer.

        Fat helps with vitamin absorption (A, D, E, and K), and I wouldn’t be surprised if it has some effect on the intestinal system.

      3. Uh, how exactly are you intimately familiar with the eating habits of the Princess of Wales? Her mother and sister are skinny as rails – diet aside, she comes by her figure naturally.

        1. People “like” her and how they are “likely” to eat. Anyway, specifically, she’s spoken a lot about her food preferences.

        2. It’s not natural, it’s working out almost every day and having an active life. But yes she has had terrible luck.

      4. There’s some news out recently that colorectal cancer may be linked to certain viruses.

    8. This is just a reminder for everyone that the recommended screening age for colonoscopies now starts at 45, so if that’s you and you haven’t scheduled on yet, do so!

    9. We simply don’t know yet why colon cancer rates are increasing in younger people; this is not the trend with most cancers. It’s something we need to figure out.

      But generally a lot of prevention falls into the realm of public health. Do you know the public health guidelines for preventive care that apply to you?

      If you are interested in newer research and more individualized information, there are healthcare experts who write books for the public that are respected and not shady. I’ve gotten several book recommendations from different doctors that I trust.

      There’s often a choice whether to follow the precautionary principle when a consensus hasn’t been reached yet. For example, I don’t regret cutting foods made with partially hydrogenated oils long before regulatory action was taken. But if it turned out they were totally fine, I wouldn’t have missed them either. I have a list of other food additives I avoid based on the existing research and because they’re just not worth it to me anyway (added inorganic phosphates, erythritol sweetener, carrageenan). I’ve been forced to learn a little about this because of some household diagnoses that require label reading to begin with. But the general public health advice to minimize so-called “ultraprocessed foods” goes a long way and is already a recommendation.

      My quality of life is only improved when I eat better (including my enjoyment of meals), and I can afford to, so it’s not something I really worry a lot about. If I get sick anyway, I won’t regret that I ate well and felt well up until that time.

      1. Lung cancer rates in younger nonsmoking women are also rising and no one has figured out why on that one yet either.

        I suspect it’s some combination of ultraprocessed foods, microplastics, and various other environmental exposures (PFAS, etc).

        1. It makes me wonder about cleaning products and who does more cleaning.

          (I was also kind of surprised the last time I tried a new cleaning product that the label recommended a respirator, goggles, and a well ventilated room!)

    10. Honestly, you never know when your ticket will get punched. My MIL lived into her 80s with a slew of health problems. My husband’s BFF was Mr. Healthy Lifestyle and died of a heart attack in his late 40s. My grandmother lived to 104 without giving up drinking, eating full fat and butter, and never exercising. Her first husband died suddenly in his sixties.

    11. I am a Stage 3 rectal cancer survivor. Diagnosed at 45.

      Here are my oncologist’s research backed recommendations for minimizing likelihood of occurrence:
      – eat tree nuts (2oz per week)
      – take low dose aspirin daily.
      – test for vitamin D & supplement with 5000IU to get into the proper range.

      1. This is the best advice on this thread.

        I hope you are doing well. Thank you for sharing.

        Also, there is some evidence that HRT can be protective against colon cancer.

  7. I’d appreciate advice on whether to spill the beans with my law partners about some negative info regarding a new hire associate. At the end of last year, we were looking for a mid-level associate but didn’t get a lot of hits, probably because people wanted their bonuses. We liked one candidate on paper but she didn’t interview well. Some of my partners got the sense that she had been asked to leave her old firm, but they couldn’t confirm one way or the other. We hired the associate anyway because we need the help and she was the best candidate. But, everyone is a bit on edge about whether that was the right choice.

    I have a friend who is a partner at the other firm in a different practice area. I got together with her after we’d hired the associate. Friend has never worked with this associate, but she knew the associate was asked to leave for performance reasons. I have not shared this information.

    I like this associate a lot personally. She’s eager and had a good attitude. We also have a similar sense of humor and a lot of the same interests. If I weren’t her supervisor I could see us being friends. But so far, I have not been impressed with her work product. She makes mistakes that would be concerning in even a summer associate; they’re near-disqualifying at her level. I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she didn’t have good mentoring at the other shop so I’ve been working closely with her. If she makes these mistakes for my partners, they’re going to fire her; she’d already be out the door if she’d made these mistakes for them and not me.

    I don’t want to lie by omission to my partners. But I also don’t want to sink this associate’s chance at a fresh start. Where does my duty lie here? With supporting a woman in the profession or with sharing information with my partners?

    1. You already hired her, nothing to share. Sounds like she’s digging her own grave anyway. I’d just keep helping her if you like her.

    2. I don’t see how it’s useful to share that she was previously asked to leave for poor performance. She’s already an employee, so what are they going to do – say we heard that you were bad at your last job, you’re fired? Focus on performance now.

      2. Yeah, the value of this information stopped after you hired her. Use the date you can observe from her work for you to see if she can be coached into the attorney you need her to be.
        FWIW, people don’t do well at firms for a lot of reasons that you and your friend apparently don’t have firsthand information about – maybe she was assigned to a nightmare partner or case, or was going through a medical or personal issue, or just didn’t vibe with the firm. I don’t believe having been asked to leave should be a scarlet letter that follows her to your firm, and it seems unfair to her to hold this second (or third) hand info against her.

    3. It seems like she will fail in her own merit. No reason to talk when you’ve already hired her and suspected already.

    4. I think you’re getting caught up in things that aren’t relevant. And please don’t use “spill the beans” in a professional capacity; my first thought was that she was sleeping with a client or something.

      Do you think this associate has the potential to do a good job? Does she receive feedback well? Does her work product improve?

      Are you a partner, senior associate, or of counsel?

      Have you been asked for your candid opinion?

    5. Adding on to my previous comment: if you like her as a person, consider what kind of job she would be good at. Spend your mental energy there, not on whatever else you’re thinking about.

    6. Come to Jesus talk, as kindly as possible. I wouldn’t mentioned the previous firm.

      As someone who’s been laid off I will say that it really Fs with your mind — I’m sure being let go for performance reasons is even worse. She knows it’s high stakes and let her know that you’re being patient and giving her some room but she needs to do better.

      1. I’m watching someone who is going to get fired “for performance reasons” on a parallel team to mine. I promise you this person is not the problem – it’s the partners above him that don’t have their s h it together. This person was never given a chance to shine because the disaster that this team, and candidly most of my office, is [fear not I’m executing on my own exit plan as we speak…]. So, no one wants to say they got fired, but remember there can definitely be two sides to a story.

        She has the job. Let her sink or swim on her own merits. If someone asks about whether she was let go or not in the future, I don’t think I’d withhold the information knowing what you do now, but I see no reason to freely offer that information up.

        1. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with pointing out mistakes she has actually made on work she’s done for you, but I wouldn’t gossip about why she left her last job unless it was for some sort of actual malfeasance.

    7. Don’t be a gossip. You have enough to do managing her current work appropriately which is your job. Do that.

    9. It irks me that you framed this as an issue of “supporting a woman in the profession” v. sharing information with your law partners. Why does her gender have anything to do with her performance issues and her career path at your firm? And idk why you seem to think that supporting a woman in the profession means looking the other way when you think you have a duty to share information. You don’t have a duty to anyone based on their gender. Supporting a woman in the profession doesn’t mean refraining from doing something you otherwise would because she’s a woman.

      FWIW, I don’t think you should tell them because it’s not relevant to her performance at your firm. She will stand or fall on her own merits. And as others have said, that she was asked to leave for performance issues does not by itself establish that she’s not capable of performing at an adequate level at her old firm or at yours.

      1. In my mind, “supporting women” in this context (if you otherwise like this associate and want her to succeed) would mean having a frank “come to Jesus” talk with her about the errors you have noticed in her work, and the likely consequences if they don’t improve. In this scenario, I would certainly tell her that other partners are likely to be much less forgiving of these mistakes, if you think that is the case.

        Really, this has nothing to do with gender but I have been in this situation before, where a junior was doing something they did not appreciate was reflecting poorly on them. You can either do nothing and let them sink, or (if you feel inclined) it is a kindness to tell them to get their act together. If they do, it’s a win-win for everyone.

        I also agree with the poster below who said you have a fiduciary duty to your partners, but there is nothing here that rises to that, in my view. You don’t have a duty to tell other partners about her poor work, they will eventually figure it out if she doesn’t improve.

    10. I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here, as others have said. Whether she was fired/asked to leave isn’t really the issue here – it’s whether the work that she is doing for you is up to the professional standard for the firm (it doesn’t appear it is), and if not, whether she is coachable and is learning to not make those mistakes/taking initiative to help teach herself as you work with her (unclear from your post).

      Ultimately, if you are a partner you have a fidiciary duty to the partnership and firm. But in my mind the issue isn’t this associate’s past – it’s the level at which she’s functioning now, and whether she will be able to meet the needed standard. It may be too early to tell, since she was just hired. However, I think THAT is the information you owe to your partners. Not third-hand information about her employement history that (as others have said) may not be entirely accurate.

    11. You don’t know anything actually — you have “information” through second-hand gossip. So let her do her job well or badly, and let her managers/bosses manage her.

  8. I am thinking of pulling the trigger on a luxury bag – would be my first-ever except a Prada I bought used. Does anyone own the Celine Triomphe Besace bag? (Not the regular triomphe – the besace is a bit bigger and crucial for me, a much smaller clasp). If so, what is your review? Does it weigh a lot (I would wear crossbody)? How is it holding up? I can’t see it in person as no shops here carry it, so am hoping for some real life reviews.

      1. That’s a really beautiful bag. I will say that I have ended up hating every flap-front bag I’ve ever had because I like to be able to get into it easily when it’ on my shoulder.

    4. I don’t mean to burst your bubble but I don’t think that bag is anything special from a design perspective. I assume the leather and craftsmanship are excellent given it’s Celine, but I would say to keep looking.

    5. Not what you asked: if you don’t need to urgently, will you be traveling any time within the next six months to a year and can make some time to see it in person?

  9. I’m interviewing for a senior director role for a company that gives “unlimited PTO.” I’m aware of the reasons this is not really a benefit for employees but the job is otherwise interesting. At the same time, I’m not desperate to leave my current position and will only do so if I think the new job has good work-life balance. What questions should I ask about actual PTO use, and is it better to discuss PTO expectations with hiring manager or internal recruiter?

    1. Ask peers and managers how many days off they took and whether they are work on vacation. I personally don’t like unlimited PTO but I think you can manage it well if you basically keep your own running PTO usage tally and ensure you’re getting the PTO you think you should. For me (1) under utilizing because I didn’t feel like I was “justified” in taking PTO, or (2) never feeling like i could take time off fully because of my workload – were the killers.

    2. I would only take this role if you are confident that you will have the mental strength to take the PTO that you want to take. If you are the type of person who will never take more than two weeks of PTO because that’s what the three people closest to you at work do, then don’t bother.

    3. I would ask the direct manager and people on the peer level how much PTO they actually took. I previously had a job with “unlimited PTO” and really didn’t like it at that firm, but wouldn’t consider it a dealbreaker as a standalone downside in an otherwise good job.

    4. i’d ask about face time requirements and remote work possibilities. if you want to take two weeks in japan and a week in thailand can you just stay there for 6 weeks and work in the interim?

  10. What kind of professional am I looking for: I want someone who can advise on how to make our house work better for our needs, whether that means moving walls/changing the floor plan somehow, or better organization, or better paint/decor. The house has a weird footprint with a lot of long rectangles. It feels a bit like a maze. For example, getting ready in the morning feels like I’m a rat in a maze running around collecting little bites of cheese all over the place, always running into dead ends or literally running into all the other little rats doing the same thing. Do I want an interior designer? Or are these all different tasks?

    1. I don’t know how to solve your problem, but this description has me completely rapt.

    2. Yes, you want an interior designer with experience in actual construction rather than just buying pillows and sofas.

    4. I think you need a residential architect as it sounds like you need to move some interior walls.

    5. i suspect it is hard to distinguish between a good one and not a bored local mom who is running an add on facebook but i would think this might be more in the wheel house of an organizer.

      1. Amen. Your trust fund may be why your house looks great. IDK how you’d do with a thrifty girl budget or really want more than the to the trade discount.

    6. For your house to work better as it is in the short term, I’d start with an organizer. You can find ones in your area through NAPO (national association of professional organizers). We’ve used organizers in the past to help us with organizing when moving in and also to motivate us to get rid of stuff. This sounds silly but everything having a home in the kitchen is life changing.

    7. For our remodel our architect did this. For example if you want to move a wall, you need to know if it’s even possible. We explained the changes we were looking for and he came back with proposed floor plans, and then we provided feedback on those and he did revised ones. I remember making a dozen drawings of possible different layouts for the bathroom. After I sent him those, he told us which ones were actually doable in the space. Good luck and enjoy the project!

    8. Depends on what you’re planning to do about it. If you want to renovate, an architect and contractor (some contractors are great at this without an architect). If you want to live with it and do no construction, an interior designer. If you want to sell it, a stager.

    9. I think renovations aren’t needed as often as people think, smart storage, built ins, and customizing spaces often works much better than blasting a generic open floor plan. I’m honestly not sure what the expert who would do that is since it’s a combo of design, carpentry, and handy-man.

    10. Do you know anyone who has built a house and done a great job? I mean a friend or family member rather than a professional. If you do, I would ask that person if they would come over and take a look and share ideas. I know a couple of people who just see space very well and understand and care about how people actually live in the spaces (as opposed to just what looks great on the gram) – they love doing this and would be delighted to be asked to give you some ideas.

      If you want a professional, then I’d go with an interior designer who is adjacent to construction.

  11. Would you attend an estranged parent’s funeral? I’ve spoken with my stepmother and she’s told me I’m welcome. I keep going back and forth: on one hand, it feels like the most obvious way to say a final goodbye; on the other, I don’t want my presence to be painful for those who had a less complicated relationship with him and want to celebrate his memory, and the thought of having to talk to people who will have heard–and probably believed–his version of what happened between us makes my skin crawl.

    If I don’t attend the funeral, I will visit his grave and say my goodbyes privately.

    Not looking to debate the appropriateness of estrangement from a parent here.

    1. it sounds like you want to go. you’re entitled. that said if you didn’t want to go i definitely think you shouldn’t feel pressured from some weird expectations of cultural norms.

    2. I’d go. You can decide how much you want to engage versus just sit quietly in the back of the service and make a quick exit. When my mom was in a similar position, she went. She, however, also made me bring a coffee thermos in my purse with a “nip of courage” in there for her in case of emergency as a flask would be too much. It ended up being fine and she was able to reconnect with a few of the kids of her parents’ friends that she grew up with.

      1. If he knew I showed up to his funeral with a flask, I think he’d laugh and crack a joke about how he knew he’d drive me to drink eventually.

    3. Don’t let other people’s opinions run your life.

      It would be unseemly to go and throw yourself on the coffin, weeping and wailing.

      It is not unseemly to attend, sit quietly, pay your respects, and leave.

      His wife said you are welcome? That’s more than enough reason to go.

    4. I think it depends. Attending the funeral could give you closure, but if you think you couldn’t stomach listening to the eulogy, or talk to anyone in the family, it’s maybe better to not go for your own mental health.
      Can you attend low key, sit in the back and leave as soon as you can, in order to minimize interactions with the family if they might upset you? Do you think you might regret not having attended?

      If you made a decision NOW to go or not, how does each make you feel?

      1. Interacting with family actually doesn’t concern me, it’s everyone else.

        My immediate reaction was that I didn’t want to go. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder how much I’d regret it if I don’t go. It has as much to do with my stepmother as it does with him–she was a family friend for a long time before they married and I considered her a surrogate aunt.

        It’s not uncomplicated though, as you can imagine.

        1. (I would add that the complication is that she took my father’s side in the events that led to our estrangement, as one could imagine. However, when she called me a liar to my face–that was hard to come back from.)

        2. Go, tell her that you’re sorry for her loss, and sit in the back.

          My strident opinion is that weddings and funerals are NOT the time to litigate everything that has gone wrong with the family. The only “statements” anyone makes at either is that they often lack the class to just put on an appropriate outfit, attend, and behave reasonably.

          (Obviously, I am exempting reasons for non-attendance such as you genuinely loathe the person, it’s too expensive, or there are conflicts.)

    5. Do you think your future self would regret not going? For me that would be the big question. Be kind to your future self. Regret lasts a lifetime vs. discomfort at the funeral might be temporary. That said, I have an estranged parent who is still living, and this question is hovering over me. I don’t know what I’ll decide when the time comes, but I do plan to think about the question of future regret. As my therapist said, “It will be complicated when she dies.”

      1. Oh and also, if you’re thinking of going, do you have a partner or close friend who could attend with you? This person can kind of run interference with the non-believer relatives, turn conversations, sit with you in the back, remind you when it might be a good time to leave, etc.

    6. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m following closely and I hope you’ll share your experience with your decision, if you’re comfortable. I’ve been gnawing on this issue in my own life; he hasn’t passed yet but he’s over 85.

      There’s a tension between what you want for your own peace and also protecting yourself from others. It sounds like you were close enough to him to be in contact with his wife. Usually there’s a private showing some time the day before or hours before the funeral for just family. Might it be possible to go to the funeral home early to say goodbye and see his wife, without all the flying monkeys there? If not, then maybe arrive right at the time of the funeral, sit in the back, and leave promptly when it’s finished. You’ll be there but don’t have to talk to anyone.

      And fwiw, don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t entitled to your grief just because you were estranged. There’s something especially heartbreaking about knowing what was broken will never be fixed. Thinking of you.

      1. “There’s a tension between what you want for your own peace and also protecting yourself from others.” This is an excellent way of framing the push and pull I’m experiencing. Thank you for putting into words what I’m feeling.

        I do not at all doubt that I have a right to grieve, and hope that you don’t either when the time comes. It’s a complicated grief, although I’m not sure that grief is ever straightforward.

    7. I went the the wedding of a mostly estranged sibling. I’m pretty sure that my parents insisted on inviting me because they were paying for it. My rationale was that I thought it would be more drama if I didn’t go. I don’t wish anything ill towards my sibling and choose a weak estrangement as a less bad option to preserve my peace.

      The good: I was able to connect with other relatives and have a pleasant dinner with my table. My husband and I danced a bit and left fairly early.

      The bad: I got some dirty looks from people who don’t know me or my side of a long story.

      I’m sorry you are going through this.

    8. I think it depends on whether or not you’d want to see the other people there. At my parent’s funeral it was kind of nice to see people I hadn’t seen in a while, even though it was for a horrible reason, and even though my parent didn’t like some of those people. I feel like in those kinds of situations people focus more on what matters rather than petty gripes, but you obviously know your family and situation best.

    9. whether you go or not I hope it’s obvious that you shouldn’t say negative things about him at the wake or funeral. not the bathroom, not whispered in a pew. you’re entitled to your opinions but that isn’t the place.

      to me the question comes down to whether or not you’d want to support others who are present like your step mom. also: how would you feel if people came up to you to try to “pay their respects” or “celebrate his life” — if it’s going to trigger you I’d skip it or come at the very beginning or very end.

    10. I do not plan to attend when the time comes. I have no connection to anyone who would be there other than a sibling to whom I rarely speak.

    11. I’d go. Your stepmother says you are welcome, and IMO that’s the person whose decision matters most in the situation.

    12. Me and my estranged parent? I will pop the champagne and party when I finally hear the news.

      In your position? Go and don’t second guess yourself.

    13. Do you have someone that can go with you and act as a bit of a buffer? Sounds like you want to go but don’t want to deal with the other people (which is fair!).

  12. 3 separate and unrelated people who i had plans with over the next few days have neglected to cancel and when i reached out to firm up plans have clearly just made other plans. Other than that everyone i know hates me, what is happening? like do people really just makes plans and then completely lose track? or i get it, i have school aged kids and a job, it’s OK to cancel but then cancel…. don’t wait for me to ask if we’re on. Sigh. annoyed.

    1. I think people keep loose calendars, and unless the date/time is regularly re-inforced in a concrete way, they aren’t thinking it’s a definite plan. Sorry it’s happening repeatedly.

    2. That stings. People can be unreasonable for sure. Thought is to firm up plans in a timeframe that will give you agency to make an adjustment.

      Personally, when I make a plan A with someone I simultaneously make a plan B with myself ie; work on a house project, go see a movie, read a postponed book. I do this because the sting hurts me deeply.

    4. Sounds like your plans are too loose. I send calendar invites and / or open table invites. And check in a day before to confirm still on. This literally never happens to me as a result.

        1. Was coming here to say this – I will explicitly say to friends cool I am putting it in the calendar, because I have no memory anymore and if its more than 3 days away when we discuss it, chances of getting double booked are high. I don’t have children and have no idea how those of you who do keep anything in their head. The combo of peri menopause and adhd is ROUGH.

          I find my saying it to them often prompts them to do the same. Sending an invite with my friend groups would feel odd, but if not with yours, send away.

    5. I think a lot of people don’t keep a calendar like most of us on this site probably do. I’ve used Google Calendar since college and if something isn’t on there, I won’t remember it. So everything goes on the calendar and I never forget that I had plans. I’m sorry you are dealing with this!

    6. Did you have an actual plan or a plan to make a plan? I have found that if I have a specific plan– meet at 5 at X– people stick to it more than if the plan is “Let’s have a playdate on Sunday and touch base week of!”

      1. Agree with this. But either way, I’m sorry OP. It sucks to be cancelled on. It may be helpful to evaluate whether your initial plans are firm enough. You may not need to go all the way to calendar invite, but especially now when seemingly everyone is so busy and burned out, specific plans are more likely to be successful.

        1. Not trying to beat a dead horse, but did you have the location set and time as well? In my experience, that makes a difference.

          I also think a check-in a few days before hand helps too. “Are we still on for dinner on X?” At least that buys you time to make alternate plans if they bail.

      3. This. The red flag here is “firm up plans.” If there isn’t a time and a location yet, it’s not a real plan with a commitment.

    7. I do think many people are terrible about making, keeping, and remembering plans. If I notice a pattern of this with someone, I note it and no longer assume plans with them are fixed. If I want to see the person, I’ll plan something where I’m going to do the thing anyway and it would be nice to have them along, but if they flake or cancel, I can still do the event.

      I also prioritize making plans with people who generally keep plans. They do exist!

    8. I am finding people more unreliable as well. Like it was impossible to plan a party for my husband’s big birthday because only the boomers responded about whether they would be there. And let me know if their plans changed. The next generations do whatever occurs to them last minute and don’t care if they inconvenience anyone. Last minute demand to be added to a restaurant reservation at a high end place that had been set for a month; ruining a meal by texting they were on the way and then not showing for an hour, well after the entree had burned to a crisp; showing up with no warning at a formal dinner where we had to move to another dining area and hold up dinner for everyone while they ordered. I tried a potluck with detailed assignments and no one would execute on the plan. It was like Thanksgiving dinner with the world’s worst Instacart shopper.

  13. I’ve been a happy Honda driver for over a decade and it’s time for a new car. Are the Acura SUVs a satisfactory step up from the touring elite or sport touring model in a Honda? Willing to look around a bit.

    1. I think so. I had a Honda before I bought an Acura.

      Both cars were reliable workhorses but the Acura was the least expensive car I’ve ever driven from a maintenance perspective. Other than needing the air con rebuilt at the 175k mark, it didn’t need anything other than routine maintenance until I sold it at 275k miles. It even still had the original clutch in it.

    2. When I replaced my 2013 Acura MDX a few years ago, I did not purchase another one, as much as LOVED that car. There was a class action lawsuit about post-2018 models having to do with unexpected acceleration. Definitely investigate this if you are looking at the MDX or RDX. I ended with a hybrid Lexus SUV and am loving it.

      1. I feel like I am supposed to like Lexuses, but I feel like I’m driving a couch. It’s a plusher ride, but I get motion sick and really need to feel the road (this is sort of like why BMW people and Mercedes people are not the same). OTOH, I am at the age where use the seat warmers because I’m sore and it feels good that way. So a bit of comfort (or things like ventilated seats for the summer) is now welcome.

        1. Ooh this is interesting to me as someone who drives Toyotas and has been considering a Lexus but gets carsick when my husband drives.

    3. My family have owned 3 Acura SUV’s over the years, of which I currently drive one (an RDX, two previous were MDX). All have been consistent and very comfortable, and I would buy again if looking if Acura gets its act together on hybrid/electric vehicles. The two MDXs were workhorses, each going well over 200k miles with one still on the road (but we gave away) at 250k miles. I drove and liked Hondas before these vehicles. If you like your Hondas, the transition will likely be easy.

    4. We recently upgraded from an Accord that we had for many years. We test drove Lexus, Acura & Genesis. We went with a certified pre-owned Lexus with 2,400 miles on it. The Acura drove like a truck. Lexus had a much nicer ride. I didn’t like the customer service at Genesis and there were some reliability issues that I read about and a friend experienced. Happy so far with the Lexus.

  14. For those of you who work in environments that are primarily women – what industries are you in? I am hitting a breaking point in my career of being unwilling to continue coaching male managers through the basics of emotional regulation and communication. I am high level HR, and have spent most of my career in male dominated environments, but this role is particularly egregious. I am going to start looking for my next step later in the year and am wondering if there are certain industries you find better than others. I know women in leadership also have their issues, but I feel like I am teaching how to be a human adult 101 lately.

    1. I think it depends as much on the company as on the field. Everywhere I’ve worked, HR has been 100% female. My husband works in IT and is the only man on his 12-person team. I am a social scientist and my teams have fluctuated from 75% male to 75% female.

      1. Nooooo. Regional government is people who couldn’t hack it in federal or state and have a chip on their shoulder so they lord their limited power.

        1. ….in my area, local government pays more than state and hires accordingly. I say this as a current state, formal local employee.

          OP, my husband is one of the few men in his PR firm and they are all very good communicators and there’s very little office drama.

    5. Healthcare– many people in leadership positions came from nursing backgrounds and are women.

    6. Environmental jobs are often typically overwhelming women, but usually the CEO, Executive Director etc is male so….

    8. This is so interesting to hear from an HR manager. My entire career is in a very male-dominated field. The majority of the staff and leaders are fantastic and I’ve worked with hundreds. However, when they are bad, they are absolutely egregious. In a staff offsite, my last manager knocked urgently on the glass wall dividing our breakout rooms while pointing at me. He screamed through the glass that I need to order lunch because he’s hungry (I wasn’t local or different from anyone else there other than gender). I was so embarrassed for him in front of the male staff in both rooms. They were completely mortified and made sure I didn’t touch a thing related to lunch.

  15. On the estrangement front, what do you do with an estranged adult (50ish) sibling when your much older parent eventually passes away? Sibling lives two flights and a car ride away from where the parent’s funeral plot is (mom died already and is there; dad has relocated to my city, which is 5ish hours away and by our biggest airport). Sibling’s kids are a mix of adults and teens. Sibling is a teacher and has summers off.

    Assuming parent does not die during the summer (is ill, as I type, and in his late 80s), is there an amount of time you wait to schedule a funeral (maybe within a month) to ensure that long-distance relatives can at least try to attend? Do you facilitate their attendance (by advancing them some of the funds they’d otherwise get)?

    I’ve had to step in and do a lot of eldercare since my mother died and never really got to grieve her loss and there is a non-zero chance that I will just snap when I need to handle a lot of tasks and be a grieving child at the same time (and then be civil to a sibling who has a long track record of being an abusive person who will likely immediately demand half of his money or argue over every dollar spent on a funeral on the grounds that it reduces what sibling will ultimately get).

    1. Is it necessary to have a funeral or could you have a memorial service or so-called celebration of life at a later, mutually agreeable date? This is increasingly common and in my opinion, offers greater healing and closure than a funeral immediately following the death of a loved one.

      1. I suppose that you could definitely do this (especially when everyone lives far off), but then do you just bury the body quietly? I feel that when a lot of people are local or it’s in a small town, that definitely won’t sit well with people.

        In my parents’ family, many of my relatives are all at the same cemetery. The living ones are either local or no more than an hour away. We couldn’t just inter someone without doing it properly (and I see these people regularly, like for cousins’ weddings and the occasional Thanksgiving or Easter, so I would welcome their company). I’m not sure my family could omit this. But both?

      2. For people who do this: where do you schedule the memorial service? Where the burial site is? Or the very random “city of one of the adult children that Mom moved to after Ron died and she couldn’t manage at home and stopped driving”? The city Mom lived in most recently? The city Mom was from? Mom doesn’t really have ties to my city and my estranged adult sibling maybe knows one other person here, but also hates where Mom lived most recently. I kind of want to just give up on these ideas but feel like I need a pocket plan of some sort or at least a roadmap. The older generation was good at this. But also conveniently all in one place.

        1. Whichever location allows immediately family to attend while maximizing attendance for everyone else. Estranged sibling can be a grownup and deal with a city they don’t like- they’re attending a memorial, not picking a vacation spot.

          If the majority of friends and family live in one area that’s your answer. If people are spread out then it’s a balance between a city that’s easy to get to and which folks are most capable of traveling- not just physically but financially and logistically. There isn’t going to be perfect location and you’ll never get 100% attendance, so don’t fret too much about this choice.

        2. We did the celebration of life in the city where I live, to which I had moved my parents maybe seven years before my mom died. She didn’t really have any ties to the city but by the time she passed, all her siblings and almost all of her friends were gone, so it was mostly my cousins and my friends at the service. And ne’er-do-well brother.

          Also pro tip: I hired my wedding planner to plan the celebration of life and it was the best money I spent. I didn’t have to worry about the details during an emotional and stressful (because of my estranged brother, ugh) time.

        3. Oh, also re: timing — my mom had one very close friend left when she died, and it was really important to me that this friend be there and speak, so I made sure to plan the celebration of life on a day when that person could be there. Which took some doing but I’m glad I did.

      3. The social worker for my mother’s hospice told me that the sweet spot for a memorial or celebration of life was in the time between 6 weeks and 6 months following death, FWIW.

    2. I would not notify sibling if sibling is estranged from the parent. Sibling knows that parent is in his late 80s, which means the risk of parent dying is high. If sibling isn’t doing anything to remedy the rift, that’s their choice but they make that decision knowing they may not get to say goodbye to the parent while the parent is still alive. And if parent and sibling don’t have a relationship, then there is no need for sibling to attend a funeral.
      Even if you choose to inform sibling about the death, I absolutely would not facilitate their attendance. At most, I would provide the information about a service and sibling can figure out how to get himself there. He’s 50-some years old. Making travel plans and providing money is not your responsibility.
      I think the time to schedule a funeral depends a lot on what is happening to the parent’s remains. If this is a whole body burial, then the funeral needs to happen sooner. If the disposition is something like cremation, then you have more time and can wait a few weeks for relatives to attend.

      1. This sounds like you want to punish or impose consequences on the estranged sibling. The rift is with the parent, not everyone else here. It is common for all kinds of reasons to attend a funeral for someone we were not actively in a relationship with.

        1. Shoot — you’re going to have to deal with that sibling anyway to settle the estate and deal with all of the things, paperwork, etc. One of you is probably the executor.

      2. Does the sibling have adultish kids that you are in touch with? Tell them when the time comes and let them deal with their parent. You don’t have to be mean to your sibling, but also, you don’t owe your sibling anything.

    3. I notified my estranged-from-me-but-not-my-parents sibling when my mom was dying, and paid for him to come to our area so he could see her before she passed. Then paid for him to come to the celebration of life, also paid for him to buy some decent clothes to wear. Did the same when my dad passed, minus the final-illness visit because it all went too fast. Money came out of my parents’ account.

      I was pretty resentful that I had to do all the elder care, too, but I consoled myself that at least I got to make all the decisions by myself without anybody second-guessing me.

    4. Does your dad have his wishes written down? That’s a huge help. Also, let the mortuary do the heavy lifting— yes, you’ll need to talk to them, but they can do most of the work, which allows you to grieve.

  17. Inspired by the thread above, what generalizations do you think are warranted about female leaders vs male leaders? I’m currently working with a lot of bro-y male leaders and can’t help think working with other women could not be this bad. I know there are bad women leaders too but wondering if on average they are more competent, organized, strategic, etc.

    1. I have come to the conclusion that there are very few people, male or female, who are good leaders. Of the bad leaders with whom I’ve worked, the men have tended towards incompetence and the women have tended towards outright malice and manipulation, although there was one incredibly malicious and manipulative man. The effective leaders with whom I’ve dealt have been evenly split between men and women.

    2. The worst ones have leaders that groom a culture of fawning underlings who need the leader for the better assignments, etc., often in a place where exiting through the door isn’t an option for many workers. By far the worst was a small K-5 school in a small rural town that was beyond toxic (unionized workplace, not that that helped anyone, all female but for the custodians). If you didn’t jump when asked, you got outside lunch duty in the winter (always dressed up in seniority, not coming off of leave, not about to go on leave, etc., etc., so that the right people were always punished or got certain kids or certain parents).

    3. Bro-y management is easier to manipulate, so I tend to prefer them. Repeatedly drop ideas and suddenly they have an ‘epiphany’. When they have bad ideas simply ignore and it will never surface again. They also tend not to hate someone for no reason or have difficult relationship issues.

    4. It’s a cliche but in Big Law I did find some truth to the idea that women partners were worse to work for then men. I think it is SO hard to be a woman at the highest levels of a large law firm, and they 1) were held to a higher standard themselves so needed to hold their associates to a higher standard and 2) (in many cases) seemed to resent the idea of more junior women having an easier path to the top, which I can understand even if it’s not really fair.

      However, since leaving Big Law, which I think is kind of its own animal, I’ve generally preferred working with women or men who are childless or have grown kids. My worst experiences in-house have been with men who have young kids and wives who stay home or work in part-time jobs for fun. These men pretend to understand working parent struggles but they don’t because their wife is managing everything for the household and kids.

      1. I didn’t realize you could put spycams in your male coworkers’ houses to determine how they were allocating domestic labor! Such a brave new world.

        1. Why do we always have someone going to bat for sh!tty men? This is a women’s spece, get out of here with that nonsense.

          1. Because it’s sh!tty to default to assuming people are sh!tty and don’t carry the load rather than understanding that you don’t know how other people’s marriages and homes function unless you’re living inside their homes. This is a space for intelligent people, get out of here with that nonsense.

            Being a woman doesn’t make me a person who thinks an entire identity group shares some set of characteristics. That’s lazy and embarrassing as a full grown adult.

          2. Oh, and to be clear, I’m not going to bat for the men. I’m going to bat against posters here lazily embracing biased, stereotypical thinking. Would be doing the same if you were talking about all people of a certain race, religion, ethnicity. It’s just not something adults tolerate other adults doing in adult spaces.

          3. By accusing this poster of making uninformed assumptions, you are yourself making the assumption that she doesn’t have credible information informing her post. There are certainly some coworkers about whose home life I know a considerable amount.

          4. There’s no way that (1) she has that much information about the personal life or every male coworker who has a wife who is a SAHM or part time employee and (2) all of that information is so uniform that she can speak in absolutes. No way.

        2. Not OP- Maybe you don’t know who’s folding laundry or researching summer camps but you know whether they’re blocking their calendar for daycare pickup or taking PTO to stay home with a sick kid.

          I’ve also found the better male managers have kids and wives with inflexible full time jobs. In some cases I’ve known them before and after having kids, and witnessed a major change in their attitude.

        3. The things they said made it very clear that their wives were doing at least 80% of the parenting and childcare. Which is totally fine if it works for them, but then it’s unfair to pretend to relate to working moms who are shouldering at least half of that burden (typically more) while working full time.

          2. Your preference is that they … not try to relate to you? Weird. But I guess who needs the Winter Olympics when you can get a gold medal in the suffering Olympics?

          3. Chill. I was directly answering the question asked, not trying to win any awards for suffering. I said these were my worst experiences, I didn’t say every man is like this. But there’s a definite pattern of men with young kids who don’t shoulder much of the childcare or household responsibilities being judgmental about moms who do have these responsibilities because they think being a working parent is easy since they have a wife doing everything on the homefront. Women and men without kids at home don’t (typically) have that experience of a partner carrying all the load for them, and don’t tend to be as judgmental about the demands of working parenthood, in my experience.

            Methinks someone is a tad sensitive about their lazy husband ;)
            If he’s my most recent boss, he was also cheating on you, so there’s that!

          4. I don’t have a lazy husband, and my husband doesn’t have a whiny wife. Works out well for both of us!

    6. Bad leaders are motivated by personal gain and tend to focus only on pleasing the people above them in the hierarchy. Good leaders are motivated to serve the people who work for them, to learn and grow, and to create shared success. Good leaders have a deep and broad strategic perspective. I have not found that women are much more likely than men to possess the qualities of a good leader, but I have found that bad leadership manifests differently by gender. Bad male leaders are checked out or bro-y. Bad female leaders are nasty and catty.

    7. I’ve had 6 male bosses and 4 female bosses. I would rank them:

      1) male
      2) female
      3) male
      — major drop off —
      4) male
      5) male
      6) male
      — major drop off —
      7) female
      8) male (but I was his first direct report and the way his role was scoped made no sense; my complaint is mostly that he lacked any familiarity with my role. But it would’ve gone better if he’d admitted that up front.)
      — considered consulting a lawyer after this cutoff because they were so bad —
      9) female
      10) female

    8. I’ve had good and bad leaders of both genders. I think workplaces are better when there is a balance of both genders. I wouldn’t want to be in an all-female environment or an all-male environment.

      The worst are leaders who frequently badmouth others, throw pity parties for themselves, rain down their anxiety on teams of people, and sabotage others.

      The best leaders don’t take things personally and focus on what needs to get done, and are sometimes capable of inspiring others or having a sense of humor about life.

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