Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Beale Blazer
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
J.Crew’s collaboration with State of Cotton NYC has some really lovely pieces, including this structured sweater blazer. If you’re someone who is sensitive to wool or cashmere, this is a great brand to check out for 100% cotton knits.
I’m a little bummed that it’s not as size-inclusive as the rest of J.Crew’s offerings, but hopefully there’s more to come.
The blazer is $595 at J.Crew and comes in sizes XS-XL. It’s also available in ivory.
Sales of note for 4/24:
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event, 30% off your purchase PLUS $50 off $100! Readers love this popover blouse, and their suiting is also in the sale.
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Brooklinen – 25% off sitewide — we have and love these sateen sheets
- Evereve – Now through Sunday: up to 70% off! Markdowns include Alex Mill, Michael Stars, Sanctuary, Rails, Xirena, and Z-Supply
- Express – $39+ Summer Styles
- J.Crew – Friends & Family Event, 30% off your purchase! Good deals on blazers and boots
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything, extra 50% off clearance, and extra 20% off $125+
- Lands' End – 50% off full price styles and 60% off all clearance and sale – lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
- Loft – Friends & Family event, 40% off entire purchase + extra 15% off + free shipping
- M.M.LaFleur – This weekend only, save 25% on dresses. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Nordstrom – 1500+ new women's markdowns
- Sephora – Up to 50% off hair deals today only – includes Shark Beauty tools! (See our recent discussion on how to upgrade the Revlon brush.)
- Talbots – Friends & Family event, 30% off entire purchase – today only, free shipping, no minimum
- TOCCIN – Use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off!
- Vivrelle – Looking to own less stuff but still try trends? Use code CORPORETTE for a free month, and borrow high-end designer clothes and bags!
Can anyone recommend a real estate lawyer in Houston, Texas? I need someone to review some contracts related to a multifamily new build and help me assess risk. Thanks!
In what capacity? The answer is different if you are a lender or investor or zoning person, among others. And TBH, if you are involved in commercial real estate, you should have your own lawyer at the ready or not really play in that space (because all expertise is local and everyone good will have a conflict). In a pinch, you use who your competitors use because they understand your side of the puzzle’s big issues and know the other players (and who stands by their word, etc.). Banks often have a panel of approved lawyers that you have to use, etc.
I was reading this as the OP being a purchaser of a condo or townhome in a new construction development…
“assess risk” tho?
A shady condo developer might have the project fail, so you’d lose your deposit (but I can’t imagine that there is a risk of loss of more than that). Maybe you’d be in limbo if the project slides into bankuptcy about when you’re released from a contract that won’t ever close.
V different if you’re selling solar panels for the roof and instead of cash they try to give you a slice of the deal.
OP here: I am buying a condo in a small new build condo development. I plan to live in the condo.
Are you worried about risk caused by the HOA?
Care about insurance and limits on short-term rentals and reserves and when it becomes resident-managed vs sponsor-managed. Otherwise, just don’t vote in psychos.
Rick Spencer. Board-certified in residential real estate law and former chair of the State Bar real estate section. https://www.fbfk.law/attorneys/spencer
thanks!
I’m shopping for shoes for a new job after a wfh role. Office is between business formal and casual. I am an attorney. What’s in style for a mid-career professional (lawyer)? I tend to flats, but want to be stylish, interesting, and commanding.
In the SEUS and there is a crowd of people here who are definitely into power flats. And some younger lawyers I have never seen in heels. I feel like people wear what they want vs feeling pressure to wear tall or skinny heels.
Today I’m in straight-leg lightweight wool pants in a length for flats and a pair of flats from Madewell.
Flats or low block heels. Only the interns wear stilettos.
I wear block heels when I want to be commanding. Specifically the Marc Fisher Zala. I have short legs and feel stubby and schlumpy in flats.
do you wear pants or skirts primarily? if pants, loafers are still in…
Pants mostly. Occasional dresses.
About half of the women in my office are wearing various iterations of the Sam Edelman Loraine loafer on any given day. Also frequently spotted are lifestyle sneakers (Adidas are popular, as are New Balance) and low block heels. High heels are mainly worn by the administrative staff and interns these days.
Really women lawyers are wearing adidas with their wool suits in the office? Not in my city.
Ugh. My partner just had a huge blow-up at me. A close acquaintance’s kid was doing a big prom-posal-type thing and he gets into a rant about how narcissistic and selfish everyone is now, with their gender reveals, prom-posals, big batchelorette weekends, etc. I said, look, this is a kid we are close with who is not a bad kid and probably has reasons for either wanting this or feeling like he has to do it. I then get accused of “never being supportive” etc etc etc “I can’t ever talk to you” etc etc etc. “having no loyalty” etc “I can never talk to you about anything” My $.02 is that if you are in a close relationship with someone, and they really dig in on being an a$s, you can gently be “hey, I think that this is a bit of un-necessary roughness shown to a kid here.” But no. It’s been a delightful morning. I hope y’all’s is better.
There is something else going on here. What is it?
+1
+2, is there some other stressor going on? I have a teen in this age group and I can’t imagine my husband blowing up at me because I told him it wasn’t cool to go off on an actual child.
Yikes, your partner sounds like they are dealing with a lot and doing so in an immature manner. How long have you been together?
Sometimes you just want to irrationally vent and have someone agree with you. That’s what he was going for and you told him why he was wrong. That’s so unsatisfying to the venter. Doesn’t mean I think the vent has merit, who knows or cares if it does, but that’s probably the dynamic.
in general I agree with this, but following up “unsatisfactory venting” with the type of commentary the OP is citing? Nope.
like, I can see, in OP’s husband’s shoes, saying something like “yeah yeah I’m sure kid has Reasons but isn’t the whole escalation of the Romance Industrial Complex ridiculous in general??” as opposed to “you have no loyalty”…..
IDK when I need to vent, it is just let up my feelings (so solely about me) and I may absolutely need the pressure release. But I don’t need agreement. I also know my audience — I wouldn’t vent about my SIL to my DH (his sister). Going off on a family friend’s kid here seems a bit . . . mean? Why would an adult even care so much about what teens do? Maybe your own kids (in which case, spouses can rightly voice concerns if one parent is being unreasonable)?
Right. I can see being annoyed with the increasing expectations for weddings/gender reveals, etc. but blowing up about a teenager sounds way more meanspirited than I’d be ok with.
Speak for yourself, but my friends and I agree that it’s very satisfying to find someone who hates the same things you hate!
Same girl same.
oh 100%. comparing notes on an event while on the way home with DH can often be the best part of the night. (not hating necessarily, just sharing observations and cracking up at our similar reactions.)
Ehh I disagree. I kind of count on my partner to bring me back to kindness and understanding when I get like this. 90% of the time we try to make the counterpoint that leads us to a kinder place and I think I’d be a crummier person if I didn’t have that dynamic in my most important relationship. Maybe it’s because we’re both lawyers and nerds and the point counterpoint dynamic is my preferred way to process things. 10% of the time when we’re both ranting it’s not as half as satisfying as it should be. Another thing I’ll say to him is something like “this thing irked me; I’m wondering why. Maybe because it feels show off-y.” And he’ll offer insight.
Anyway. Demanding “loyalty” when you’re just talking smack on a kid is bonkers.
You can irrationally vent all you want. You can’t expect other people to act like it’s rational and a good use of energy.
I’ve been on both sides of this one and it isn’t fun. Hope the rest of your week goes better!
If you were on it, on the partner side here, how did you move past it? Or if you were on the poster side?
Time. Sometimes lots and lots of time. It’s easier for me to move past it from the partner’s side than OP’s side. As a disgruntled complainer, once I’m no longer disgruntled it doesn’t really bother me. But it feels worse to try and be the voice of reason and get slapped down.
You get past it by realizing people can be petty and annoying sometimes, and move on. This is not a big thing needing resolution.
I’m not the person you’re responding to but I empathize with both sides.
Sometimes when I’m venting, DH tries to help me think through the issue by… not QUITE playing devils advocate but by thinking aloud what the other person might be thinking. Sometimes that’s super helpful; I definitely go to DH for advice when I’m having trouble seeing the other person’s side. But other times it feels like DH is on the other person’s side and against me. And that feels really bad. When I start to feel frustrated that he’s not on my side, it’s on me to communicate that! “Hey I just need you to agree with me rn.” As soon as I say that, he flips off his fixit mode and drags that BEC with me.
And when DH is venting, I ask what he needs from me. Do you need me to just listen, to give advice, or to (metaphorically!) grab the shovel and call 811?
Hmmm, do you actually share values with your partner? If not and if you’re not married, I’d consider cutting bait. This is the kind of conversation my husband and I would have except we’d agree with each other.
IDK I can agree that the marital-industrial complex and its precursors are crazy, but not that anyone participating in it is a bad person or selfish.
I’m not saying I agree with the partner here. My point is that if you’re on totally different pages regularly when it comes to vent sessions, that’s a really bad sign for the relationship.
You don’t have to be married to this loser. And if you aren’t married to them you don’t even need a divorce.
He was being an ass to both the kid and to you. If this is a consistent personality trait, you don’t have to spend your life with someone who spends his complaining about the lives of others.
Just to add — you sound like you define a supportive partner as someone who supports you in becoming who you want to be. More of a long term vision of support. He defines it as someone who supports needs in the moment. A short term vision of support. Those styles often grate on each other.
I’m also a long term vision of support person, and it grinds my gears if my husband gets me a sweet treat on a hard day, for example, because even if that sounds nice in the short term, I’m trying to disconnect emotionality from eating for my long term mental health. Same thing. It feels good in the moment to vent about an annoyance or eat a pint of ice cream, but it’s not really serving a long term vision of a life I want to lead.
Oh yeah. reading your comment (with mild dismay) I realize I am a short-term vision person and don’t have a lot of tolerance for your preferences (which is fine, people are different.)
Haha, right? Like he always says “I was just trying to do something nice,” and I say “nice things are things that are nice in the long term, too!” Like I would love flowers instead! Or he’ll tell me that I shouldn’t buy him Doritos anymore, and I can tell he’s kind of sad that I listen to that, so sometimes I do.
We have a great relationship overall, and I think it’s because we can redirect each other to what we actually want (and the other person listens). But definitely different personality preferences at play!
I’ve been married for almost 20 years and I can tell you that the biggest fights I’ve had with my husband have been about equally random stuff. I’m sorry it was a crappy morning for you both. Your partner still loves you.
Does he normally catastrophize like this? If not, something’s up. If so, you have my sympathy. My exH functioned like that such that even mild disagreement with what he said was “you never supposed me” and “oh so I’m always wrong” etc. It is so exhausting to live with someone like that.
I’m not saying this is a positive thing, but…I kind of had this dynamic with my partner, except I was the one saying “I can’t ever talk to you.” I felt like my partner would always contradict everything I say, takes the opposite point of view, tell me I’m wrong, etc. I never felt like there was “no loyalty,” but it was sort of exhausting feeling like I had to defend everything I said, especially if I was just venting. We’ve talked about it and worked through it, but thought I’d offer a different point of view because I identified a little bit with the partner. I’m not sure he was “going off on an actual child” if he was venting about how everything has gotten so performative and social media-focused – which I agree that it has. This seems like a typical mismatch of communication styles. We just had to discuss the “something else going on here.”
It sounds like he had absolutely zero communication with the kid. So agree that it’s not even close to “going off on an actual child.”
I’m just very worried about the “huge blow-up” part. I know we just had a big go-round here about yelling, but I was married to somebody who would do exactly what’s described in the OP and… ugh. No. Dealbreaker. You don’t get to yell at me, and you don’t get to attack me for gently disagreeing.
Hugs, OP.
Has anyone found any good resources to help teach a 12 year old about investing? I am ideally looking for some videos he can watch? Lessons tailored for his age group?
A small amount of real money and a brokerage account.
+1 and a subscription to the WSJ
+1 to the WSJ subscription. Learning to read a financial newspaper at 12 will teach him way more than videos will. But they also have videos on the app.
I remember really enjoying the novel The Westing Game around that age. Part of the plotline includes a character learning how to invest, which was a good way for me to start to understand it too.
don’t be like my DH who was trying to explain compounding interest to our 7 year olds and then told them they could also risk their money and potentially earn more by investing in crypto – needless to say, they were very confused
Try the Million Bazillion show from Marketplace. It’s not just investing and is more of a podcast, but might be interesting https://www.marketplace.org/shows/million-bazillion
I don’t have any suggestions for you, but when I explained to my 4.5 year that I invested the money he received in red envelopes so the money can grow and become more money, he said “wait, so the money will have babies?!” Which is essentially what compounding is. The babies have more babies etc. He’s excited to buy a car at 18 if he doesn’t touch the money.
This is adorable.
Any recommendations for some fun two-player games? I want to shake date night up a little with my SO. We’ve both got some work stress going on and I want to break out of what’s become our default date night of dinner in, drinks, and streaming a previous day’s Jeopardy (go Jamie!). Nothing wrong with our pattern, just wanted mix it up a little and thought a game/a little competition might be fun.
Rummy or another card game? Chinese Checkers, Scrabble? These all require concentration but are not so intense that you can’t chat about other things at the same time.
My aunt’s bf taught my 8 year old and I to play cribbage. Apparently they play it all the time and LOVE it!
My husband and I play Cribbage a lot, too. It’s that great kind of game where the rules are very simple, but the potential combinations are infinite, so it stays interesting.
We do crosswords together, too. (App on the phone.) Admittedly, I wouldn’t call either of those a date night thing -more of a weekend afternoon when the kids are occupied. But they’re nice.
Not competitive, but we like to do a crossword together
Yahtzee is easy and doesn’t require so much concentration that it prevents conversation.
Jenga? The inevitable toppling of the blocks feels like a stress release.
Backgammon
Sagrada, codenames duet, backgammon, Dominion, wingspan and set, are all good two player games with different vibes. If you can name some other games that you both enjoy, might be able to narrow it down more.
Also, Splendor and Hive are good.
my teenage son will still play exploding kittens with me. fun and quick.
Codewords (Duet)
Trophies card game.
Strip poker.
Cribbage
Monopoly Deal. Way (way) faster and more fun than the original Monopoly! Sushi Go is also fun.
I prefer to play cooperative games with my SO rather than competitive games. I like the escape the room boxes. Hunt a Killer has a bunch of murder mystery solving games that can be done with 2 people. And Sleeping Gods is a bit more complex and time consuming but it’ll definitely give you something to do in the evenings!
When you think of classic, timeless watches for women, what do you think of? I’m looking for something I won’t get sick of/can wear forever, to the extent such a fantasy item can even exist, hah. Don’t need to spend $30k but would be ok with an “investment” piece. (Reposted from yesterday, since it was too late!)
My parents bought Cartier watches in the mid-1980s. My dad still wears his and I have worn hers since she died. I think they both look great 40 years later and have throughout those 40 years.
Cartier tank for sure.
+1 mine is basic ss and I wear it everyday. I hate Apple Watches though.
To me, a watch that you won’t get sick of and want to wear forever needs to be a style (size, watch face, amount of embellishment, band) that YOU really like, which might not be the same as “classic, timeless watches for women that cost enough to be considered an investment.” Maybe you’ll get lucky, and find both of those aspects in the same watch.
I have a certain watch style I love, and have been wearing for 15 years now. Is it classic in the sense you’re talking about? I doubt it. But I can see wanting to wear it for another 15 years.
This is where I land. Cartier has a distinctive look that I think most people would consider classic and timeless, but it’s not to my personal taste. If I were going to spend that much money on a piece to wear forever, I would want to love the style itself, too.
Movado
my parents go me a cartier panther when i graduated from law school (35 years ago). I still wear it and think it looks great although i keep forgetting to try and find the additional links to the bracelet that i took out way back when becuase my wrist is thicker than it used to be.
Cartier tank. Always and forever.
+1
Also don’t sleep on the Santos. I really wanted a Tank when I was at the stage of wanting a forever watch, then tried it on and hated it. The squarer, slightly more masculine Santos was perfect for me. There’s also the ballon bleu if you’re a round watch person.
I’d go to a big city jeweler and try some styles on IRL. I found that I didn’t love the squared off faces, and elongated rectangles or oval/round faces looked best on me.
Go try some on and see how you like different styles on you. You might surprise yourself
I feel silly asking this as a 30 something, but tips for getting over a crush? It’s someone I met through the apps (so we’re both single but dating) but it didn’t pan out and I need to get over it and move on to the next one!
Just time, in my experience. Distraction if you need. It’ll pass!
there was something about this guy you didn’t like (even if it was petty or silly) remind yourself of it. and this is a sign that there are good guys out there and on the apps. that is a win!
I’m sorry for those of you looking for men on the apps, I’m a lesbian so this doesn’t actually prove that lol!
why are you sorry for those who are looking for men?
She said that this crush was proof there are still good men on the apps and I was “sorry” to report back that I actually don’t have a data point to back that up.
I need a one-piece swimsuit (basic) for laps and kid swim lessons. I haven’t bought one of these since pre-pregnancy. Any recommendations for an option that has some compression but not too much, especially in the chest?
I haven’t bought a suit in years. I like a lot of JoLynne Shane’s reviews of clothing. Here is her 2026 swimsuit round up, which is focused on fashion rather than laps.
https://jolynneshane.com/2017-swimsuit-guide-for-women-over-40.html
Most of the lap swimmers i see wear speedos or similar. i always found they didn’t work on me because i was busty. Lands end has a lot of different styles, i am not a lap swimmer but i do actually swim and i liked them when my kids were small, they didn’t move around too much.
I just went through this ordeal as well. My biggest issue was that I am busty. I wanted something sporty but also supportive, preferably without an underwire. They’re expensive, but I have not regretted at all buying a suit from the Bravissimo and Speedo collaboration. Excellent quality and actually fits my body.
No specific recommendations, but lately I’ve gotten good quality suits from Target (Kona Sol brand) and J Crew Factory. I used to buy from Lands’ End, although I haven’t in years, and I remember those suits wore like iron with no stretching out.
I love my ancient Speedo and tried to replace it with a TYR that seems like it would work if it actually fit me. Apparently the Speedo has stretched with time, though, and I needed to size up from the number on the threadbare size tag.
OP here and I’m looking for a Speedo or TYR style but I have a bigger chest now and would love to not spin my wheels finding one that can accommodate…
Title Nine might have something that works.
Looking for products that successfully cover stubborn grey hair. I’m 39 and my occasional greys that I could hide with highlights have gotten stronger over the past year. Some greys cover well, but there are others that will initially absorb dye then the color washes out within a week or two.
I stopped dyeing in the salon bc it cost a lot and I didn’t think covered the greys very well and I was paying over $150 for subpar results. Since then, I’ve tried several box dyes and most recently a L’Oreal resistant grey dye from Sally’s. Same issue with all of them, the grey will be covered for a week or two then wash out. I have curly hair so I only shampoo twice a week already. I’m way too young to have so many grey hairs and covering them with the mascara touch ups in the morning is making me crazy.
If you want to DIY, try Madison Reed and leave it on for the max time. Be aware that the colors come out darker than the photos, so start with a lighter color than you think you need.
Did you try a different salon? Assuming they used permanent dye, any decent colorist will 100% cover the gray until your roots grows out.
+1 – I simply cannot cover my greys as well or thoroughly as a stylist can both due to technique and products. I’d look for ‘grey specialists’ or ‘grey blending’ in your searches – instagram has been where I find more of my beauty providers these days.
I haven’t, because this lady cuts my hair well and now I’m facing job loss so I don’t want to add that cost back to my budget right now. I would leave with “hot” roots (lighter than the rest of my hair) and the greys would appear covered then wash out within 2 weeks. It wasn’t worth it to me if I can get the same or better results at home.
If you don’t want the cost, that is fine, but you really don’t have to see the same person for cut and for color.
Yeah this. And $150 is really cheap for color so I’d question how good that salon was.
i read your post and i see that you stopped going to a salon but honestly i started going to a salon because i couldn’t seem to cover it at home anymore, a good colorist is going to be better. i would try someone new.
also you aren’t so young:) i know i already had a fair amount of grey when i was pregnant with my eldest and i was 32 when he was born….
By our mid-30s, my friends and I were all 50% gray or more. And everyone was coloring and had been for years. I’d say most of us started going to a salon for color in our late 20s. Now that we are all over 40s, people are going every 4-6 weeks depending on which color they’re using (blond is less frequent than darker brown) and how much grow-out they’ll tolerate.
In your shoes, I’d find another salon. If you post your location, someone may have a referral for you for a colorist.
If you want inexpensive, at home, covers greys, and your hair is naturally red or brown, try henna.
If you are reluctant to go that route, I have also had really good luck with Clairol Natural Instincts. My hair started going grey when I was twenty, and I used Clairol until my early 40s. (My shade of red became impossible to find, so I switched to henna.)
I’m in the salon every 4 weeks mode – coloring hair grey to brown. It’s time consuming and expensive, but I feel like going grey would age me a lot. Has anyone done that, and how did it go?
I don’t have a specific product rec, but I have to get my hair touched up every 3 weeks because I have dark hair and my hair grows quickly. So if this is new growth along the roots, you may have to accept that it will need to be touched up every couple of weeks. I also have to process longer than what is standard so try leaving the color you’re already using on for 5-10 minutes longer and see if that helps.
It’s not root growth, it’s the same 4-10 strands that are coated then one day a week or two later they’re grey again.
I must not be explaining this well or it’s really uncommon bc my hairdresser doesn’t understand it either.
I have to drive a relative’s car for 4 hours. It stinks, especially the seats (incontinence issues). Best ideas for a discreet seat pad I could use (or something else? Disability issues make this the only viable car.
a towel? a wee wee pad for a dog? i had this sort of topper for my kids crib sheets that was plastic on the bottom and i still have them, i have used them when someone was throwing up or i put them on the furniture when i’m dressed in black to avoid cat hair. really anything that you can sit on comfortably that creates a barrier.
I’d go with the large incontience pads, a hospital supply store (or amazone/target) will have them, plus a towels. If you can, I’d also spray any soft surfaces in the car heavily with vodka and let it air out for a bit first.
Can you just bring an outer layer and drape it over the seat and then just not put it on and wash it later? If you’re wanting discreet and avoiding hurt feelings.
It sounds like it needs to be sprayed down with kids’n’pets or a similar enzyme cleanser (maybe a 100% fragrance-free one would be better in a car). This can make a big difference in 10 minutes, but takes longer than that to dry, so there may not be an opportunity!
I’m short, and my back hates bucket seats, so I sit on an orthopedic pillow in the car anyway. So no one would be surprised to see me show up with a pillow.
For a purpose made product, there are a lot of seat covers designed for people with dogs to keep the doginess from seeping into the upholstery. I think these would work bidirectionally.
Use a chux pad.
I would go for something waterproof like a cheap shower curtain draped over the seat. You don’t need to shame the person, but neither does it make sense for you to completely ignore an sit in someone else’s incontinence for fear of offending them.
We used to have some waterproof seat covers for our car that we used when driving home from workout sessions with a trainer to keep the sweat from soaking into the seats. The brand was Dri Seat. They were designed to easily fit over a car seat. Maybe those would work to give you a barrier? They cover the whole seat, though, so not terribly discreet.
Take it get a good cleaning, then add either chucks (the soft pads like below) or a rubber backed pet pee pad, then cover with a seat cover.
https://www.amazon.com/stores/page/E463BF4A-3B4B-454C-BE7F-096AD48593DA?ingress=0&visitId=51507b07-239c-4eb6-b5d1-09b00a4c728c&aa_adgroupid=_Ampd__Storefront___Bed_Pads__DISC__146334629695&aa_campaignid=_Ampd__Storefront___Bed_Pads__DISC__19666850099&aa_creativeid=ampd-ad-647769583862_kwd-377526751191_dev-u_ext-0_ca-19666850099_ag-146334629695&maas=maas_adg_api_588244390767455495_macro_1_34&ref_=aa_maas&tag=maas&gad_campaignid=19666850099&gbraid=0AAAAApJiYVfUztw3FL_CcSl_qPSvUDghE&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2PSp1qWOlAMVm9DCBB1jWxsqEAAYASAAEgLw-vD_BwE)
I got a complaint in my relationship “that I can’t talk to you about politics or religion.” For politics, it is 2026. There is nothing re actual politics that I would want to spent my short time on earth discussing. Period. I feel that most people are not able to have calm engaging discussions about politics if they are of differing opinions and if I found someone in total agreement with me, I would feel no need to discuss. And IMO that is very different than how you could discuss how LOTR or GOT or whatever is about what a good ruler looks like or whatever.
Sort of the same about religion. I come from a faith tradition that suits me and I have no interest in changing that. I get how religion is cultural also, so what feels familiar may be what you do and find comforting even if you don’t believe 100% of everything (does anyone?). But I also feel that it is hard for humans to discuss respectfully. And often it is one person badgering another re don’t you think X is stupid?
I get that I might be weird, but I also have a busy life and don’t want to do things that hindsight has shown aren’t lively witty banter but often one person picking on another (at best; at worst, it’s a bigot fest or a lot of “wow, I thought this person was my friend but clearly they think I’m the devil). It’s also 2026 — everything is exhausting and I’d just prefer to talk a walk and talk about the weather or puppies.
But those are significant signifiers of your values and exactly what people expect to understand about their partner or potential spouse. You can shut down if you want but I wouldn’t ever marry someone I couldn’t discuss core issues with. This isn’t the same as chit chat with your work colleagues.
This
Same. I don’t want to be with someone I can’t discuss these things with. Surely you have values. Share them, discuss them, be prepared to have them challenged. It’s growth.
This. Even if you don’t agree, you should be able to have real discussions about real issues.
there’s a lot of information not in your post. like, is this a partner who you are debating marrying and having kids with? because if so it is important and necessary to be able to have these sorts of conversations. is the issue that yo know you don’t agree? or do you agree and just don’t want to talk about it? context matters.
Agree that this post seems a bit vague on crucial detail. But zeroing in on ” I feel that most people are not able to have calm engaging discussions about politics if they are of differing opinions” – does this include yourself, or is it always others losing their calm? Either way, it’s a pattern that you don’t have to take for granted, you can try to change this.
But between the lines it also kinda sounds like you personally are not interested in discussing, even in a calm manner. If so, and you don’t have sufficient other topics of shared interest with that other person, maybe you’re not that compatible.
I think in a relationship it’s important to establish that you have shared values? It’s not clear to me that you feel like you do have shared values if you think you’re going to be judged for your opinions or your faith?
I do think there are a lot of people right now who talk about politics seemingly compulsively; every single day they have to get their updated lists of things to talk about, as if their opinion or even their awareness matters at all on a daily basis. Because some awareness does matter for civic life, they put a lot of pressure on other people to engage. But they’d be shut down fast if they expected everyone to talk as much about sports betting or some other questionably healthy obsession. So I get feeling burned out.
I would say that current and former BFs are generally in a socially-liberal but more fiscally-conservative vein, politically. IDK that that exists in the media now. It used to be some state-governor Ds and Rs, but things are so polarized now. I usually know where someone stands and am OK with that but also want to talk about anything else. Raging on Trump? I didn’t vote for him and he’s not getting my time. Raging on our stupid city council? Or county government? Well, we voted. Reasonable people reasonably stay away from politics these days and we’re left with just trying to keep the worst people out of office.
+1. Some days I don’t want to talk about politics because the state of the world is depressing. But if you can never discuss politics or religion with your SO you’re not compatible.
Congrats?
What is the exact problem? Who made this complaint? Friends? Husband? New boyfriend? Family? Coworkers?
What did the person say? What do they want? Why do you think you cannot engage in these conversations?
Do you generally feel comfortable talking to this person? Is this person trying to change your mind?
I don’t need to agree with a partner’s political or religious beliefs, but I need to respect them. In order to respect them, I need to understand them and that requires discussion.
Okay? It doesn’t really matter what we think. What matters is whether you and your partner can get on the same page about this. Sounds like you aren’t and you need to work through it. Your partner might be feeling like he doesn’t understand your core beliefs on either of these topics and want to know, which is extremely valid. Or, he may simply value having these types of discussions with a partner. Lots of people do.
I think you just need to surround yourself with people you share a faith and political views with if you won’t discuss anything.
How do you determine whether you are in total agreement with someone if you don’t talk about a topic? What happens if you were once in total agreement about something and then one of you changes your opinion? Or learns an interesting fact they want to share, or realizes they don’t have it all together as much as they once did and are questioning something?
Do you value or even want an intellectual connection with this person, or just a surface level interaction that never touches on topics you find exhausting?
IDK that I’d ever know if I’m on total agreement but I feel there are many touchpoints on whether you are roughly in agreement.
Or if you are Lutheran and I am Methodist, to me, that is roughly compatible. Do you want to have a big convo on “what does my belief in god mean” than that feels, coming out of the blue, a “why do you ask” and “what do you mean” discussion; otherwise, it seems a big pointed of a thing to randomly demand an answer to. No interrogatories unless I’m billing time for it.
What is your relationship to the person you converse with?
Are you by any chance neurodivergent? I ask, because your post sounds like you are looking at conversations through a very narrow lens, like there is either agreement or argument, no other option unless the topic is very lighthearted and immaterial.
In my experience, open and curious conversations about core belief system differences with people who want to have honest, respectful discussions is one of the joys of the human experience. Politics and religion do not inherently require aggressive, hostile interrogation.
I also have absolutely no interest in discussing politics or religion with anyone I’m having sex with. Nothing is less sexy than hearing someone’s thoughts on JD Vance.
I also was a DV victim of a former Democratic campaign worker, so I do not view politics as a vector for morality or anything close to it.
🙄
I’m sorry that my having experienced domestic violence annoys you!
you can’t talk about these topics respectfully with your own spouse? What “relationship”?
Neither is my favorite, nor is it something either us spends significant time discussing with each other… but I can’t picture my spouse saying that he “can’t” talk to me about them.
I think this might depend on the types of conversations? My husband and I come from very different religious backgrounds, but we agree on religion in that we’ve chosen one to practice in our home. But we have interesting conversations about religion all the time, which are never actually about what we personally believe. We did talk about what our religious practices meant to us when we met 15 years ago – that was how we worked out what we’d do in our joint family – but, well, we’ve been together for 15 years, that’s massively old news at this point. Now we talk about things like history or meanings of certain traditions or ways to celebrate certain holidays or maybe fun bits of trivia we heard. Those are fun things to talk about, they aren’t contentious.
For politics, we also talked about politics more early in our relationship because we were sussing out compatibility. In 2026, we similarly feel that we aren’t interested in doomscrolling our way through our daily lives, but of course we sometimes want and need to discuss current events because the reality is that they affect us and other people in our world and there have occasionally been things that we’ve been able to do to help in certain situations. Plus now we’re parents so we also have to talk about how to talk about politics with young kids. These also aren’t contentious conversations and we’re not debating, it’s more talking about an issue in a practical way.
With most people, I have no interest in talking politics or religion. My partner is one of very few exceptions. While we mostly agree, the places we don’t are where we have the most interesting conversations. Sometimes it’s that we agree on the end goal, but have different views on the way to get there. Other times we see things differently- often because of different experiences or interactions in our past. The conversation sometimes changes one or both perspectives, but that’s not the point, I enjoy hearing how my partner things and sees the world.
Same. Politics and religion are both important to me (even though I’m not a believer, what YOU believe or not is super important to me) so it’s important to know where my partner stands. And having topics that I can discuss with him but almost nobody else builds intimacy, I think.
I can’t relate to this. It honestly sounds like you cling to some beliefs that are not as deeply held as you think. Like they’re so fragile you get upset when someone disagrees. I’m not saying you need to debate people but you can’t hear them out?
I’m a curious person. I love to know why other people think what they think; especially about divisive issues. I don’t discuss these things with most people because they get defensive and weird but in a relationship? Absolutely! I had a long discussion the other day about property tax rebates for senior citizens with my husband. It wasn’t particularly divisive but he is a smart thoughtful person who made good points. It’s so strange to not talk about this stuff.
Does this person just want to rail at the world or do they actually want to know where you stand?
DH dislikes talking politics with me because he doesn’t want to hear me complain about Trump. I respect that. But we do talk about current events sometimes. We come from very different backgrounds and get targeted by very different news sources. It’s interesting to hear what the other side reported about a thing that happened. I just can’t have had a glass of wine first because I’ll go off and he’ll check out of the conversation. I think it’s important to check in with your partner periodically to make sure you’re both on the same page as far as your values are concerned, but I don’t think one partner owes the other a long ranting vent about the state of the world.
Yeah, I said above that I don’t want to talk politics with anyone I’m having sex with, but I really just don’t want to hear immature whining or ranting about things they can’t control, and that is most of what “talking about politics” is today. I am interested in actual original thoughts generated based on life experience and/or reading real sources. But if you sound like a MoveOn email, I’m out.
The only way you get what you want is to date someone who is also fine with very shallow topics of conversation. You might feel like you win in the short-term, but it’s a losing proposition. It sounds like you don’t want to be challenged. Good luck.
This is where I’m at with my husband of 7 years and it’s exhausting. We both voted for Kamala and tend to vote similarly though I’m a bit more moderate. I decided I wasn’t going to give Trump as much headspace as I did the first time around, so while I read the WSJ and Washington Post every day as well as NYT occasionally and listen to NPR, I don’t know the latest dumb thing Pete Hegseth said or something dumb from a press conference. It’s really not that important.
Between not following the late night TV circuit of “47 be dumb” and saying I understand why Trump won and that I don’t think everyone who voted for him is dumb or racist, my DH thinks we don’t agree on politics and can’t talk to each other anymore. I think we could talk to each other, but if you’re going to quiz me on what happened in today’s press conference, I don’t really care.
Sounds like you need a partner who is as fundamentally uncurious about life and the world as you are. Good luck! There are sadly many people like that out there so it shouldn’t be hard to find!
Do you have a wall clock at home? I am looking to add more clocks to our house (bc the kids never know what time it is, so spaying you have 10 minutes doesn’t mean much). I am having a hard time finding a wall clock at major retailers, desk clocks seem more popular. I am looking for something with a clock face but open to digital and nothing too modern where it’s confusing to tell the time. What you have and where did you get it?
Buy vintage clocks!
No wall clocks, but we do have shelf clocks of some kind or another in each level of the house. Alarm clocks in the bedrooms, microwave clock in the kitchen, little decorative analog clock thing on the bookshelf in the living room, etc. I think the bookshelf clock came from a Kohls-like store; it has a picture frame on one side and spins around to a clock on the other.
IKEA, lots of options. I have one in my office but would look just as at home in a kitchen or living area.
Does anyone here buy really high-$$$ designer clothes? I feel like I’ve nosed into trying to buy better quality items and ethically-sourced items and it feels like none of this is really aimed at a busy working woman. Is it just me? I don’t know that I can justify really expensive pieces that seem to be from cotton collected in the moonbeams and sewn in heritage stitches by hand . . . . IDK anyone in my peer group who doesn’t shop at mall brands (but we are maybe at the high end of office toilers). Maybe it’s that housing prices are high or my perimenopause shape is so in flux that I fear pulling the trigger on something that might not fit next month. IDK if I need to break out of this, but with needing to shop my April body, I tried to look around a bit more than usual. It was interesting and fun, but who knows that the May body will bring?
What?? This doesn’t make a lot of sense. A stab at an answer, yes, I buy both high end and mall brands. Depends on the item.
What are the high end things you buy (and for work or outside of work)?
I wonder if a lot of this, even with “dress for your day” and “casual” offices, are just for the leisure side of our lives. Vs trying to justify a $$$ item for workwear like how we used to spend $ on suits regularly (vs now I just want to have a suit that fits for court / funeral / emergencies).
i don’t really understand what you are saying. are you suggesting that your body is in flux so you don’t want to buy very expensive things? that makes sense. i guess if i still lived on UWS and my kids were in private school and i was rubbing elbows with very very wealthy people i might feel differently but i have never worked anywhere where any one was very expensively dressed (like beyond the fold, theory etc) so i feel no pressure.
OP — I think one poorly worded frustration is that now that I can afford this, my body seems to be in flux to the point where it’s hard to justify spending a lot and yet I need to shop more. Ugh.
I agree with you. I can appreciate the effort in $$$ pieces, but have learned that the combination of (1) very few clothes being truly timeless and (2) my body changing weights and shapes over the years, that I am ok living my life in mostly mall brand pieces or secondhand finds of more expensive brands.
I’m more likely to splurge on jewelry, shoes, or bags.
Try custom tailoring instead
Part of this seems to be a vent that you are finding clothing suitable for a Marin therapist and not a busy professional? I can identify with that. If you post your body shape, pear or apple, people here can probably provide some good places to shop that are bridge brands, not designer.
PSA – even if your office is not a fan of remote work, if someone has an emergency gallbladder removal, please let them wfh for the week after the surgery.
OMG yes.
I cannot believe that this even came up as a question.
That seems like the bare minimum required by the ADA?
Oh do we have the same boss?
Let me guess, they’re doing the “just take PTO if you can’t come in” game? Despite the fact that most people, especially women who tend to be saddled with more childcare and eldercare responsibilities, do not have enough PTO to blow needlessly?
precisely. this is the wife of one of my colleagues. she actually works for the same larger organization, but in a completely different part. i am so so grateful for having a reasonable boss.
Get a doctor note for an accommodation. Make sure to use that word with HR. Wow, what a jerky company
Why is this person not on short-term disability?
Presumably because she can work from home (wearing sweats, close to the bathroom, not on a bumpy car ride, etc.) and that pays more than 66% of her salary.
Of course. Far better question is why this isn’t a legally protected temporary accommodation.
Is it not? It seems reasonable to me.
I was back in the office the day after emergency gall bladder removal — and my stitches didn’t hold up through a full day at the office. Don’t got back to the office before your body is ready.
Good grief I can relate. A year ago I was recovering from an emergency appendectomy and it was NO JOKE. Emergency surgery = any accommodations that work for the employee.
If you could own only one eyeshadow palette, which one would you pick? I lost the palette plot sometime after the Naked and Lorac palettes lost popularity.
What color are your eyes? Or put another way, what colors do you like wearing?
I’m olive skinned with dark hair and eyes, so my favorite palettes are always going to have lots of berries, browns, maybe some purples. I can’t wear the navies and charcoals that blondes can.
Happy to recommend some if your coloring is similar to mine.
Not sure who would pay almost $600 for this J Crew sweater. It looks nice, but I’ve bought similar, just about as nice, items at Talbot’s for around $100, and at Land’s End for less than that.
Agree, it looks almost exactly like the schoolboy sweater blazer from j crew factory, which is $84.
I have several J Crew sweater blazers that are nearly identical dupes to this for which I paid about $60 each in various sales throughout the years.
a few years ago i decided to try getting nicer things and bought two cashmere sweaters from j crew. they were no better than quince, lands end, or what i used to get as private label at lord and taylor. quality isn’t worth the price imo.
memorial day weekend in tulsa/ bentonville– anyone familiar? restaurants, bakeries, dessert or things to see or do that we wouldn’t find googling?
Whenever we visit family in the area, we make time to visit Crystal Bridges in Bentonville.