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Weekend Open Thread

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beautiful cream and black embroidered dress with pockets

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I was helping a friend look for dresses to wear as a wedding guest recently, and I fell in love with this one from Aidan Mattox by Adrianna Papell.

Of course, it's always dicey wearing anything close to white or ivory for a wedding — but I think here it would be impossible to confuse the wearer with the bride.

I loooove that it has pockets, and is bra frindly, and I love the way it looks kind of abstract and intricate all at once.

The dress is $395 at Nordstrom.

(Looking for something similar but affordable, and maybe more acceptable for everyday wear? I really like these J.Crew Factory dresses.)

Shop Nordstrom
Shop Similar at JCF

Sales of note for 5/8:

  • Nordstrom – Savings event – up to 25% off! Good deals on Veronica Beard, Vince, Reiss (esp. coats), and Boss, as well as Wit & Wisdom and NYDJ
  • Ann Taylor – Mother's Day Event: 40% off your purchase. Readers love this popover blouse, and their suiting is also in the sale.
  • Boden – 15% off new styles with code
  • Express – $39+ summer styles + 25% off everything else
  • J.Crew – Up to 50% off swim, dresses, and more
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
  • Lands' End – 50% off sitewide — lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
  • Lo & Sons – Mother's Day Sale: Up to 40% off — reader favorites include this laptop tote, this backpack, and this crossbody
  • Loft – 50% off your purchase + free shipping, plus 2 for $28 tanks and tees
  • MAC – Enjoy 30% off lip products and receive a 4-piece Mother's Day gift with $90
  • M.M.LaFleur – Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
  • Ruti – Take $55 off your purchase with code 55ONUS
  • Sephora – Free same-day delivery for Mother's Day with code
  • Talbots – 50% off wear-now styles (5/8 only)
  • The Outnet – Extra 30% off select styles, including Veronica Beard, Victoria Beckham, and Marni.
  • TOCCIN – Use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off!
  • Vivrelle – Looking to own less stuff but still try trends? Use code CORPORETTE for a free month, and borrow high-end designer clothes and bags!

155 Comments

    1. Not a big update, but I asked what to wear to a company box minor league baseball game earlier this week. I wore a nice tee, casual blazer, ankle slacks, and loafers. It was fine, but I actually felt overdressed -the (few) other women wore jeans, the men either jeans or khakis with polos or button downs. But I looked nice and had a really great time too.

    2. Another minor one. I asked for make-ahead app suggestions for a work gathering I was hosting. Someone recommended fruit salad with cinnamon chips…OMG. I wish I did not now know how delicious the Siete grain free churro chips are. I could have stood there and eaten the whole bag.

    1. It’s pretty, though. We talk a bit about whether things can be “objectively” flattering, and I would say that this shape is one that, whether it’s trendy or throwback or whatever, is just objectively flattering on most women.

      1. It is very pretty and not so retro that it looks like a costume. The neckline and armholes would not be flattering on me, though, even though the fit and flare silhouette would be.

    2. The shape reminds me of the dress Isa Briones is wearing in all the clips I’ve seen of her portraying Connie Francis.

    3. I’m short waisted, have ex-swimmer arms, and carry my weight in the middle. This dress would look horrific on me–emphasizes arm, is way too low cut at the chest but likely does not hit my waist properly, and flares out from my widest part. This is not objectively flattering on my body type. I am also very tall–it would be too short in the skirt.

  3. Speaking of dresses, what kind of dresses would you buy for a European city vacation with lots of walking? I realized I missed out last year walking around Paris and realizing all the tourist moms had much cuter clothes on than I did.

    1. i don’t like dresses for travel because (on me) they require no chafe shorts and also I sweat and don’t want to wear them more than once. But, putting that aside, i think any cotton summer dress that you already own probably is fine. i try not to buy things only for travel.

    3. I wore casual cotton midi-length dresses a few days in Paris last summer. I wore nice leather sneakers with them. Old Navy / Gap are full of those type of dresses if you don’t want to drop $$$.

    4. Whatever linen or cotton dress I impulsively buy at a local store when I discovery I packed poorly.

    5. A midi or maxi dress in linen or gauze that can be worn with some wrinkles. Definitely not poplin, which looks terrible wrinkled and is a lint magnet. Black or navy to hide dirt. I have a black linen Z Supply Bayside dress from last season that fits the bill perfectly. It has a smocked bodice, which seems to be trending, but instead of being cut straight across like most are the bodice comes up a little higher in front for a more flattering line.

    6. I love my Sue Sartor cotton midi dresses for this. They hold up well to lots of wear and look great in photos.

    7. Marine Layer has a few very simple dresses that I’d bring — they can be casual with sandals/sneakers, and more fancy with scarves and accessories. I also like linen/easy maxi skirts with tank tops (scarves if you need to cover shoulders).

    8. Most of my big trips have been European city, walking intense, summer vacations. I usually take dresses from cotton, viscose or rayon ( they wrinkle, but are lightweight and dry fast), and skirts. I like one dress and skirt in a darker color, especially for city sightseeing, and I take a few dresses with fun prints and colors as standalone pieces. I wear bamboo fabric legging type anti chafing shorts, and sleeker runners with all the dresses. We walk between 8 – 16 km per day so even cute shoes with support are only reserved for super short walks for dinner.
      One dress that has been an unexpected workhorse is a mixed media dress, which at first I didn’t like or want to purchase, but I came round after I took it on two trips, looks good in photos, and still seems to look ok when layered for cooler days. It has a knit (t shirt or tank style top) and a cotton gathered bottom. I usually also wear longer dresses and skirts than I would wear at home, due to sitting on busses, trains, climbing, etc…
      I’m fortunate that I can sew dresses, (but I still buy dresses I like) and I love reading about what people wear on vacations as inspiration.
      I’m also always torn between sleeved dresses and sleeveless dresses for summer, because with sleeveless dresses, I wear an spf lightweight jacket from athleta, even if it isn’t the greatest look, because sometimes I want to minimize slathering sunscreen on (I do take off the jacket for photos in the shade though lol). Sometimes shorter sleeves can be too warm in the summer, so layering with a jacket, or open shirt is smoother over a sleeveless dress. Thank you for reading my novel!

  4. Our local news announced that they arrested 8 men last week in a sting based on sex crimes involving minors and human trafficking. One of the men lives on my street. He (allegedly, of course), believed he was meeting a 14 year old (!!!) at a seedy hotel for $200.

    I don’t know the family, but he has a wife and kids around my kids’ ages (which is well-past old enough for them to understand most of this and hear about it from their friends). He used to work for a youth sports org, too, so the news understandably put some extra focus on him over the others. I just … ugh, I can’t imagine what this must mean for their lives. I’m just so disgusted and horrified.

    1. That’s so awful. I don’t know how well you know the wife and kids, but be kind when you see them (obviously).

    2. Commiseration. We have an acquaintance who was arrested for and then plead guilty to possession of child pornography. The criminal’s mom and my FIL were in the same class in the 60s, he and my husband went to school together in the early 00s, and our kids were in the same class. We hadn’t interacted with the guy since we were in college, but he and my husband have a mutual friend in common, and we’d recently hung out in a group that included his brother a few times. It was very shocking and disgusting, and we feel terrible for his wife and son.

    3. Geez. I’m in the youth sports world, and I think I know who you are talking about. Freaking horrible. Watch your kids, stay vigilant, even (especially) with trusted coaches.

    4. this was my uncle about 15 years ago but without the publicity. my aunt (the one we’re related to by blood) wanted to believe he was innocent but her lawyer told her to divorce him to protect her half of their retirement. she later had the whole marriage annulled by the catholic church despite being married for 40+ years and 2 girls (who I’d been very close with my entire childhood.)

      He apparently got into it around the time his youngest was in high school. Disgusting. Served time, then violated parole (caught again) and went back to prison. Got out, then died a few years ago in one of those circumstances where no one realized he was gone for 2 weeks.

      on the pro side of things now that he’s dead my aunt gets his social security because it was higher than hers.

      1. I don’t generally believe in the death penalty, but since it’s so well documented that pedophilia can’t be cured, I have to wonder…

    5. It’s no accident that he would have worked for a youth sports organization. Men will go to GREAT lengths to prey on their victims and gain access to spaces where victims can be found.

  5. Two unbelievable stories from my time at the gym this morning: first one woman was doing leg exercises with 400 lbs added. (90% sure those were 50 lb weights.) Then another woman was telling a guy how they don’t have wifi in the house (just an ethernet connection) and she refuses to have a smart phone. It was like that SNL skit with Jack Black and the eagle (except they weren’t one-upping each other).

  6. Anything you want to get off your chest? Confess it here.

    **Judgement-free zone**

    1. My best friend is running away to London soon and I so badly want to go with them. I hate my life and I have enough of a nest egg that I could, but I love my dog and that’s pretty much the only thing keeping my life together atm. Though I guess doggie could come with me?

      2. You could take your dog! You could even take them by boat if, like me, you are nervous about the dangers of flying dogs in cargo holds; the Queen Mary II has kennels on board.

        1. Flying/airline mistreatment is one of my concerns. I’d never forgive myself if doggie died. Good to know we can take a boat!

      3. You can fly with doggie! Break it into several smaller trips. My mom is moving to Ireland from San Francisco so she’s taking pup on a 6 hour flight to Boston, staying for a bit, and then flying from Boston to Dublin in another 7 hour flight. Pup can stay under her seat both legs of the trip.

        1. Realized after I posted that some countries may limit this / depends on dog weight, so definitely research separately if an option to keep the dog in the cabin with you.

          2. Cunard (Queen Mary) cross-Atlantic cruises are really nice! And they do have kennels for pets. I’ve flown with a dog to Europe and it’s fine but if you have time to take the cruise I would totally do that.

    2. I had my annual PCP appointment today and the doc I’ve been with for 14 years raised the idea of going on a GLP-1 to give it a try. My weight has yo-yo’d 50+ pounds in the years I’ve been with her, and since my late 20’s my BMI has been in the overweight to obese categories. I know that isn’t great. She’s suggesting I give it a try to curb food noise, which led to me confessing my emotional eating habits that have been in place since childhood. I guess you’re supposed to tell the truth at the doctor’s office, and I did, but woof, I know feel so embarrassed for sharing what I shared. I may try the GLP-1 – she wrote me a script and I’m going to think about it this weekend.

      1. If you want to lose the weight, try the GLP-1. I take a microdose injection, and it curbs hunger/food noise just enough that I can eat what I plan to eat, and not eat my feelings when I’m stressed out. I can still eat normal meals, although often I’ll split a restaurant entree in two and bring part of it home. I’ve had a tiny bit of nausea and constipation, but nothing I couldn’t deal with easily. I’ve lost 10 lbs so far and am very pleased with it.

      2. FWIW, it is the most amazing, life changing thing I’ve ever done. I’m back to the weight I was when I got married, I feel great and haven’t had to go up from the lowest dose so no side effects. Quite the oppos*te actually, it makes me feel fantastic and did from day one. 10/10 highly recommend. Food still tastes great, you just don’t need or want as much of it.

      3. I’m glad you were honest with your doctor. They’ve heard it all. No need to be embarrassed. But we get the best healthcare when we are completely honest, and I’m proud of you for being vulnerable.

      4. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself! Also, the anti inflammatory benefits are life changing

      5. Couldn’t agree more. The single greatest thing I’ve ever done and I cannot believe we didn’t know this miracle drug was such a miracle. It’s has 10000000000% changed my life. I was 119 when I graduated from college. I made it up to 250 in my 30s. And just couldn’t get it off. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, every fad diet and workout routine, everything. The food noise is silenced. I started doing Pilates and I’m the strongest I’ve ever been at 46 years old. I am now down to 145 and feel like myself for the first time since…well, ever.

      6. I agree with those saying to give it a try. It’s amazing and I can’t believe how much better I feel! I’m down 55 pounds and in better shape than I’ve been in for years. I still eat what I want (I already ate pretty healthy) but I eat less – I can stop when I’m full and I don’t do the emotional snacking that I used to. And it’s so much easier to exercise now that I have more energy. I have had minimal side effects. I’m at 7.5 and haven’t had to go above that dose to keep losing. It’s not always been super fast loss, but I’m ok with that.

    4. I’ve discovered that I can give 50% effort (at best) at my job and still be regarded as a high performer. No one was holding a higher standard for me than I was holding for myself.

      1. Curious: does this make you feel bad or good? No judgment; just wondering how you feel about this discovery.

        1. I just don’t care. Kind of wish I did but I’ve been through hell in the last few years and don’t.

    5. I have a new coworker who is my peer and by nature of our jobs we should be super lockstep and key partner. Like we basically have mutually assured destruction in our roles . But I actually hate her. She’s a giant c word and I’m actively rooting for her failure.

    6. I really want to go on a glp-1 and tried the doctor, then an online provider, and neither would prescribe. I’m generally healthy but am 14 stone and 5’4” and live in the UK. The food noise is a permanent problem and lots of emotional overeating.

      2. That’s so frustrating. Say what you want about American healthcare but at least we can get treatment for just about anything here without a lot of hassle.

        1. That’s not been my experience at all. American healthcare and its insurance systems often make it near-impossible to get treatment and it’s can be an enormous amount of hassle.

          1. My experience the contrast has been that in America it’s an expensive hassle, but a lot is actually possible (not everything). Other countries can vary from “not a hassle and not expensive” to “literally not an option here no matter what you do, no amount of money or inconvenience will make it happen.” It’s unfortunate that a lot of the latter countries are English speaking since I think it skews views on healthcare (though maybe it’s fair if it’s just that English speaking people like to cut people off from healthcare).

          2. If you’re willing to pay for a GLP1, you can get it in the USA. Way less gatekeeping.

          3. Exactly, American healthcare’s bias against both women and fat people is why so many internet based GLP-1 companies have popped up and are doing so well. But that’s American capitalism not American healthcare.

    7. I have a bachelor’s degree in music performance from a top school, along with a pretty solid resume from my college days. I quit at graduation because I needed a salaried job with health insurance and couldn’t move back in with my parents like most of my classmates, and because I had crippling stage fright that I knew would limit my career prospects. 25 years later I picked it back up in a slightly different form, have found some solutions for the stage fright, and am having a lot of success as an amateur performing alongside professionals. I spend much of time around people who managed to make music work as a career and, and my own daughter is in college preparing for a musical career. I now deeply regret the road not taken, even though I know that given my circumstances it probably never would have worked out for me. Some days I feel like every life choice I’ve made was a mistake.

      1. It wasn’t a mistake. You would not have had the professional performance career you hoped for, particularly with your performance fright + the future for the Arts in the future is grim. You know this, so you are just fantasizing. But that is ok. However, please encourage your child to double major / concentrate, or else chances are high she will be moving back in with you.

        Your are able to love music and perform well now because it is not your job, and your life and future are secure. Sounds like the best of both worlds.

        Signed,
        Music peformance major and doctor

  7. Why would a major corporation keep deleting and re-advertising the same job opening for six months? Do I apply for a THIRD time?

    Job: community relations for a power company, in a more rural area of the state. (Be on hand to answer town council questions when power goes out with big storms, go to Earth Day parties at local schools, etc.) Me: years of relations experience. I’D BE SO GOOD AT THIS.

    Just this hour, I see on LinkedIn that they’ve listed the job for (at least) the third time since last fall when I applied a first time. The application is just uploading your resume to their site, so no effort on my part. (My resume has allll the keywords.) Is applying again lame? Should I not apply again because not getting it the first two times were the universe telling me it’s not the job for me? I’m out of work and desperate.

    1. If it is really the same position, not the same type of job in three different locations or something like that, they are not successfully hiring. I don’t see the harm in reapplying, but I would try to figure out why your resume seems to be getting screened out by ATS and revise accordingly.

    2. Of course apply again!
      You need a job, and you want THIS job, so . . . go ask for it!

    3. Can you tell if they actually hired someone the first two times? It could be that there was a hiring freeze, or a new manager came in and wanted to look things over. I think there’s no harm applying again. If they actually are on the third person in role in 6 months, that’s a different sort of red flag, but no way to tell until you interview.

    4. Do you have any connections there in your network?

      If so, apply again and also reach out to the connection and let them know you applied.

    5. This is happening everywhere in the market. In some cases they really think they are going to get a unicorn for a bargain basement salary (and they may). In other cases it’s a ghost job or an effort to collect resumes. And sometimes I think it’s their LinkedIn recruiter auto renewing a post they haven’t been managing.

      Have you reached out to the hiring manager or HR directly?

      1. Can someone explain the rationale for companies posting ghost jobs? Similar to the OP, I applied to an in-house litigation job in the SF Bay area a year ago and have seen it be re-posted repeatedly since. Makes me think there’s something shady or wrong about the employer.

        1. It makes the company look like they’re in a strong financial position — good for shareholders.

        2. Some of it is “never assume malice where incompetence is possible” – someone set up the linked in posting to repost, and forgot to turn it off.

          Some of it is various flavors of “we thought we were going to hire but now we’re not”, and all the reasons that happens.

          Some of them are truly jobs that were never open – you want to promote someone on your team but company regs require that you post the “senior whatever” role publicly first; you’re trying to impress investors/shareholders; or HR needs to up your LinkedIn score for some *other* role (LinkedIn shows your open roles more frequently in searches if you’re deemed an “active hirer”, ie. you post a lot of roles – so if you have 10 roles you’re really hiring for, posting 50 junk ones actually helps you)

          Unfortunately, there’s so many reasons you really can’t identify or block them – the only things in your control are good advice generally (ie apply anyway & get an internal referral if you can)

    6. The most likely explanation is that they stopped hiring twice (ie had a hiring freeze or something), or have misconfigured their Linked In (don’t realize it’s actually getting reposted), both of which mean, unfortunately, there’s not likely a job there…

      But there’s no harm in applying! Who knows, maybe this time they actually fill it (With you!)

      You could also check if they have a careers page on their website and apply there

    7. They may have changed how they code it, or realistically, it paid poorly and are having trouble finding the right person.

  8. I keep getting texts from someone claiming to be DHL telling me I have to pay import taxes on a package to receive it. I can’t think of anything I ordered internationally. I’d assume it was a scam (and I haven’t clicked the ‘pay here’ link in the texts!) except for the fact that it’s originating from the same number that DHL has used before to text me about legitimate packages coming from abroad, and the link appears to be the exact same type of link to the DHL page. I’m assuming I should just ignore this, but I’m really confused because it seems like it’s actually linking to DHL not a third party. Who would be behind a scam like this and how would they benefit? How does me paying DHL, who in turn pays the government and delivers the package, benefit a scammer?

    1. If the text has a package id number in it, go to DHL’s website yourself and type it in.

      I’d assume either error at DHL or scammer spoofing it so def would not click directly.

    2. It’s possible it could be spoofed, but that’s more sophisticated than your average text scam. I’d contact DHL directly and ask if they have a package tracking for delivery to your address. If there’s a tracking number in the text, you could type DHL into your browser on your own and search for it there rather than clicking the link.

    4. Is there a way for you to contact DHL customer support directly? I’m embarrassed to admit that I almost fell for a scam this week. I received a call from a guy claiming to be a customer rep at a bank, alerting me that someone was attempting to use my personal information to transfer funds out of my account to theirs. The number he called me from showed up on a search engine as the landline for a bank branch in my community. As he went on and on, I began to put two and two together and realized it was all a bunch of baloney. But he, and the guy he transferred me to as his “case manager” had the choreography down pat, and the phone number threw me for a loop. All I can say is: exercise diligence. I hung up the call, called my bank, and put an alert on my account. I hate this stuff, and it is pervasive.

    5. google dhl and import taxes scams and compare what you learn to the kind of text you’re getting.

    6. I would call DHL.

      Unfortunately even my bank and investment institutions send me texts that look like fishing and I never click the links. I always call, as I have made mistakes before – both by clicking things I shouldn’t and by ignoring things that were real.

      1. This, OP. Always confirm with the real company independently from the message you are getting.

      2. Right. That’s what I always do. Start with the website you know is real, don’t click on any links. 99% of the times it’s garbage.

        I did once get a very convincing call from Wells Fargo telling me there were fraudulent charges on my business credit card. It was just like the calls I’ve received before, where they ask if I charged $5000 at Best Buy or whatever. So I was actually going along with it saying “no! I didn’t charge that!” until they insisted I give them my credit card number. I hesitated and said let me look online & call you back, and then the guy got really aggressive. I really very nearly fell for it!

        Anyway, never give anyone who calls you any information like that. I went directly to the website and there were no suspicious charges at all.

      1. PS – they usually come from the same number with your delivery info and of course, only if you ordered something internationally.

      2. I just got one that was legit, but I also was having something shipped internationally. I agree to go to the website directly or to call.

    9. That, my friend, is a scam. If you want to double check, call DHS or go to their website with the tracking number. But it is certainly a scam.

    10. It’s pretty easy to spoof an outgoing call/text; it’s hard to intercept a call/text — so for a scammer, it’s easy to send a message that looks like it comes from the same number as real DHL; but if you call the real DHL number, you’ll get through to real DHL.
      (This is also why, if you get a call from your bank, hang up and call them back. Checking that the number they are calling you from is the right one is unreliable; but *you* calling the right number is much safer)

    11. Update: I called DHL. The text is legit and came from them, but the package is not addressed to me, it’s going to someone several states away. They said the sender probably just made a typo entering the phone number. I’m not sure, it still feels scammy to me but the text was real. Either way, not paying the duties of course.

    12. I assume if any company or agency really needs to contact me, it will be via email that I can respond to.

  9. PSA. I tried the j crew factory dress linked. Fabric looked good for the price. Don’t bother if you’re busty. I am and couldn’t even zip it up in the size larger than my usual size.

    1. I had the same issue, and it’s not often that I have issues with the bust if anything being too small. Too bad; it’s such a cute shape.

  10. how did you decide (or not) to have kids if it wasn’t something you were always sure about? My husband and I both feel like we could see full, joyous lives either way. It feels like something you shouldn’t do unless you’re 200% sure.

    I feel like most people in my life grew up wanting to be parents OR have known since teenage years that they’d be childfree. Personally, I had always loosely seen myself as adopting someday – but that was when it seems like adoption was widely viewed as a positive whereas know there is so much more talk of the negative aspects. (though the people I know who were adopted all have very good relationships with their parents).

    1. We decided to have one child after years of hemming and hawing. I’m so glad we did it and my husband is still adjusting. I would say that if you have a partner who is prone to anxiety or highly neurotic, it’s more of an uphill battle. But I love being a mom.

      1. +1 I feel like I always say this on these threads but kids (normally) come one at a time, and stopping at one is very different than having two or more. Of course some people have one and decide they want another one or two and that’s great for them, but if you stop at one you don’t give yourself over to parenthood the same way.

        fwiw I never felt 200% sure or even 100% sure. My husband was more sure than I was and I didn’t want to deny him the opportunity to be a father. So we had one and it’s been wonderful. But I also think I would have had a happy life without kids, except for possible guilt about my husband not getting to be a father. If he had been as ambivalent as I had been, we probably wouldn’t have had any kids.

    2. My husband and I married both assuming we’d want kids someday (we were young – early 20s). But 10 years went by and neither of us got the itch. In our mid-30s we decided to have one, though even then we weren’t “omg baby fever” and see if we wanted to stop there, but encountered unexplained infertility. After IUI was unsuccessful, neither of us want to proceed to IVF, and so we made our peace with our unexpected decision and are settled and happy with it.

    3. Picture your life 25 years from now and what you want that to look like. I say this as someone who didn’t want and didn’t have kids but has a little regret about that. Neither my husband or I had the patience for the child rearing years so we opted out. As we get older, it would be nice to have adult kids. I didn’t think of that in my 20s/30s.

      1. But PS also, we’re very happy without them too and often feel more relief that we didn’t. I used to think it was an all in or out idea and now I really think you can be happy either way.

      2. I once read that people who don’t have children are happier than those with youngsters, but later on people who have adult children are happier than those who don’t have children at all. I wonder if that holds true. Maybe your happiness just comes at different times?

        1. Yeah I can see that. We have a really happy life but enjoy our friends adult kids so much that it’s made me rethink my original stance. That said, we’ve got nieces and nephews and dogs of our own (not the same thing but so much joy) so I don’t feel like we’re missing out too much either. I guess my point is more it felt like a decision with a right answer when I was younger and I just don’t think there is one. There’s also no guarantee you get the life you imagined either so the risk adverse side of me says pick what’s truer to you.

    4. I never gave kids much thought either way. When I was faced with the actual option of having children (I was dating someone in my 20s who wanted to marry me and have kids) I found the prospect of children viscerally repellent. I happily married someone else and we’ve been successfully child free for decades, and I have never once thought I made a mistake.

    5. I don’t think kids necessarily make your life joyful, and I wouldn’t go into parenting thinking it will make you happier. Kids give your life meaning and fulfillment outside of yourself. And you’ll have experiences and connections in the community you’d never have otherwise.

    6. I disagree that it’s something you shouldn’t do unless you’re 200% sure.

      The great majority of people who have children are glad they had them. And lots of people who don’t have children are also glad they didn’t have them!

      So it doesn’t feel like something you have to be that sure about – if you have children, probably you will be glad you did. And if you try, but can’t, probably you will have a good and happy life anyway.

      1. Lots of parents regret their children but it’s not socially acceptable to say so.

        1. I think this was true 30 years ago. I don’t think it’s generally as true now. Not saying it doesn’t happen but the social pressure is a lot less so I think there are fewer people in the really regret category because those are generally the people who really didn’t want kids

        2. Studies estimate that it’s about 15% of parents who regret it. Not nothing but it’s a small minority.

      2. I agree. It’s always a leap of faith to an extent. And you have to rise to the occasion. You won’t know what it fully entails until you are in it.

      3. +1. I’m the first response (who hemmed and hawed for years and then had one) and I wasn’t 200% sure. I could see being happy either way. Most people who have children do not regret it.

      4. I posted above and completely agree with this. I think the 200%, hell yes or it’s a no, analysis is for your choice of spouse. Kids or no kids, you can be happy either way. But a bad spouse and especially if you have kids with a bad choice, nightmare city.

    7. I’d suggest checking out the regretful parents subreddit for some real honesty.

      1. I wouldn’t. They’re not representative of most people and it’s only the people with the worst experiences who bother to post.

      2. A lot of those people just seem like they aren’t equipped to handle life generally.

    8. I had kids because I want to live life to the fullest, and to me, that includes having a family. My partner was excited to have children. I also think life is empty when you focus on yourself, your career, and your own self-care, like today’s culture often emphasizes, all very individualistic and self-actualization oriented. To me, that stuff gets boring and lonely and leaves me with the feeling “What else is there?”

      3. I would argue one of the most self indulgent parts of our culture right now is celebrating intensive parenting. Curating a mini version of yourself can be incredibly selfish. There are plenty of selfish parents.

        1. Yeah I think wanting biological kids is pretty selfish. You basically want to copy a part of yourself to live on after you’re gone. I say this as someone who had bio kids and is thrilled I had them, but it feels more selfish to me than adopting or being childfree.

          1. I don’t know many people who think this way (wanting to copy a part of themselves) vs. wanting their family or especially their spouse’s family to continue on. I married someone who is like a gift to the world, and it makes sense to me that people were so happy when he was born. I’m often really, really happy when my very favorite people have kids.

            As someone who doesn’t have children, it doesn’t seem selfish to me to have biological children.

          2. But it’s literally a biological drive. Like, we are wired to want kids. (I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with not wanting kids — just that this is literally part of being a human.) So saying that wanting kids is selfish is kind of like saying wanting to garden is selfish. Do you believe that?

            Can something be selfish if it’s a literal evolutionary, biological drive??

          4. Adoption, at least under the current system, is very selfish and can border on predatory. It commodifies healthy infants.

    9. I got married and assumed we’d have kids, but I never actually felt the desire. I know some folks say to picture your future self, but that didn’t help me. I work in big law, made partner…. life was great, work was busy, and I didn’t think anything was missing–if anything it was all too much and I was not looking to add anything new to my life. Ultimately, my husband decided that he wanted kids and it all happened rather quickly while I was still uncertain if I’m being honest.

      But now I am so glad we decided to have a kid– by far the best decision I’ve ever made! We love being parents and our family is my favorite. I really love seeing this side of my husband too. My life is a lot more complicated, but it’s completely worth it.

      I don’t think all people are 200% certain that they want to be a parent beforehand. Your life probably would be great either way, just in different ways. Some things are a bit of a leap, and I think the question may be whether you and your partner want to go on the parenting journey together. If you found out you were pregnant, would you both shift and get excited about that chapter?

    10. Biology took over for me. All through my 20s I wasn’t sure about having kids, then one day, BOOM. I needed a fuzzy little baby head nestled in the crook of my neck. I sat with it for a while, and finally had my first child when I was 31. Best thing I’ve ever done.

      But don’t do it unless you’re sure! I was sure. My then husband had been ready for a while but wasn’t thinking about doing it quite as soon.

    11. If you really are on the fence, one thing to consider is do you want to be bound to your spouse for life even if your marriage goes south. Similarly, do you want to engage in a very time-intensive group project with your spouse for 20 years. It’s not necessarily better or worse, but it’s a very different type of relationship than marriage without kids.

    12. I have children. I 100% recommend not having children unless your marriage and finances are rock solid, and you both want children and have a strong support network. It’s so much harder to raise children well than most people say it is.

      I don’t regret having children per se, but do wish I’d gone into this with eyes open.

      1. Eh, my husband and I would have drifted apart if we didn’t have the kids. We went thru a rough patch when the kids left home, but by that time we had such a history together it was worth fighting to save. We raised 2 kids and sent them to college debt free (grad school included) on a salary that most people here make on their annual bonus. We now have 4 (because the kids married) delightful younger friends to keep us on our toes and interested in things we wouldn’t pay attention to otherwise. We’ve learned a ton about their interests and developed life long pursuits due to following their interests from the sidelines over the years. We both wanted kids when we married, neither of us wanted a mini-me and we both thought the point of raising a family was to send competent adults out into the world.

  11. I just went through a breakup. Not really planned. I am sad. We were together mostly on, some off, the last 7 years. I told him today I can’t stay with him anymore. It was face-to-face, we hugged and cried, he didn’t fight me on it. We’re not a good fit long-term. He wants a very different life than I do, on everything other than kids. Our families hate each other due to extremely different cultural practices, but we’re more “Americanized/atheist” so have been OK but it’s hard not to have family support of the relationship. We moved in together for a while but then moved to very different parts of the city 3 years ago because we couldn’t handle the commute differences and neither of us wanted to leave our very big jobs we love. At least I don’t need to pack this weekend.

    I feel tired and like it’s way too late in my life to do this. I’m 38. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to tell my friends yet – some love him, some think he’s too demanding. I am a little ashamed I didn’t do this 5 years ago but also wishing we would be together the next 30 years. Deep down, I know it’s the right decision. I don’t want to go back. I am better off not trying so hard to spend time, working at schedules and avoiding family overlap. I could use any words of support. I don’t want to be a mess next week at work if I can have any suggestions to keep it together.

    1. I’m sorry, it’s hard today. If you need a story, I ended that relationship at 39 and met my fantastic husband at 40. Life has a way of surprising you when you open the door to a better possibility.

    2. Oh, I am so sorry. Give yourself some time, space, and grace. And don’t wallow in the shame. I stayed in relationships way too long, and it’s just how I was able to deal and process.

      This weekend, be very gentle, whatever that means to you. Walks, yoga, naps. If it were me, I’d want alone time, but you may want friends around. You’ll be okay, and truly, if this wasn’t right, then you’ve made space for the right thing. It’s on its way.

      1. And here’s a stranger on the internet giving you permission to take a couple days of personal time next week, if that will help you process and return to work collected and ready. Let things settle. Be easy on yourself.

        I’m so sorry, but it sounds as if you made the right decision for you, and that shows tremendous strength.

    3. Huge hugs. I would not be ashamed of not breaking up 5 years ago, a lot of my friends who did break up with a great love earlier in a relationship stayed emotionally stuck on them for years anyway and didn’t meet their “ones” until they were truly over it. Now that it’s done, be done with him. No contact, no trying to be friends, no social media stalking. Let there be a gap so you can fill it with something wonderful.

  12. There is apparently a genetic test that can predict Alzheimer’s with 90% accuracy. Would you want to know?

    1. yes. then you can be on the lookout and treat aggressively as treatments become available.

    2. Nope. I already am convinced I have cancer like twice a year. Why would I want to add anxiety about whether each typo signals that my brain is starting its inevitable decline?

      1. (I’m not sure I believe there exists such a test though since Alzheimer’s isn’t 90% genetic to begin with??)

    4. No but mainly because Alzheimer’s isn’t a Y/N binary so this test isn’t telling you what you seem to think it is. Your risk goes up substantially with each decade of life. Very few people develop it before 70. Something like half of people who live to 90 do. So without knowing how long you’ll live, there’s really no way to know your Alzheimer’s odds. Women in my family tend to be physically healthy until their mid-late 90s, so I kind of assume I’ll develop it, because there’s such a high risk for it at that age. But of course I could die suddenly decades earlier. There’s no way to know.

    5. I plan to be ready to go at 60 and be pleasantly surprised if I make it to a healthy 90.

      I would not test.

  13. Tips for staying productive in a job while also interviewing elsewhere? Asking for a friend. :-)

    1. Keep adding to your resume through the value you’re adding in your current role.

      Imagine the person you’re working for or with might be giving your reference in the future.

      Think about who you are and your values. Are you a slacker or a responsible professional. (Not meant in a judgy way, but I find it motivates me personally)

  14. I have a few deep shelves that are hard to reach. How would you use these? Is there any magic box or organizer that would make these feel not awkward and useful? One is in mudroom closet that is like a skinny walk in with rack and shelves at the back short wall. The other is in our laundry room, above the washer and dryer, which is off the mudroom.

    2. You either pretend the space is not there and keep it empty, or use it for once a year stuff.

      To have as easy access as possible, store the inner layer in a box or basket with a front handle to pull out, and basket fir the stuff in front.

    3. I store spare bedding on my hard-to-reach shelves; it’s less of a chore to get to something lightweight. A little stepstool is worth the floor space if it means you’ll actually use those shelves.

    4. 1. collapsible stepstool
      2. containers with handles so you can slide them off the shelf more easily
      3. lightweight items stored on the highest (ornaments or seasonal decor?)

    5. I put anything I rarely need in my hard to reach shelves. That could be seasonal bedding that goes up when it warms up and doesn’t come down again until it’s very cold. I also have boxed clothing for memory keeping that is in archival boxes at the top of my closest.

  15. When you think of classic, timeless watches for women, what do you think of? I’m looking for something I won’t get sick of/can wear forever. Don’t need to spend $30k but would be ok with an “investment” piece.

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