Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Modal-Blend Tie-Waist Shirtdress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
When I was in high school, I had a teacher who would teach with the lights off in June because schools in the northeast generally didn’t have air conditioning in the '90s, and the dark room felt “psychologically cooler.” Something about this cool blue dress from Reiss feels psychologically cooler than all of the black and navy shirtdresses hanging in my closet at the moment.
It might be the flowy fabric or the icy color, but somehow I feel like I could walk onto a subway platform in the middle of July wearing this dress without wanting to pass out from heat exhaustion. That’s probably a fantasy, but I’m willing to give it a try.
The dress is $400 at Reiss and comes in sizes 0-12.
Sales of note for 6/19:
- Nordstrom – 25% off clearance! Nice selection of Vince, Veronica Beard, Boss, Theory, Beyond Yoga, and Zella
- Another Tomorrow – Seasonal sale, 50% off select styles
- Ann Taylor – 50% off everything + free shipping! Readers love this blouse and I always love the variety of colors/textures for this jacket (it's a great separate)
- Athleta – 30-60%off reader favorites like Brookyn and Endless pants, and the Pranayama wrap is marked down to $55. ,
- AYR – Ooh, good sale section — but lots on final sale. Readers love (LOVE) these comfy work pants and these jeans.
- Bare Necessities – Semi-annual sale, up to 70% off, plus get an additional 40% off clearance swim. Readers have sung the praises of these cooling pajamas and their bra-sized swimwear
- Boden – 15% off new women's wear styles with code
- Evereve – 20% off dresses!
- Glossier – Last day 6/19: 20-25% off almost everything (including subscriptions!)
- J.Crew – Extra 15% off your purchase (on top of up to 50% off select styles)
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance + extra 15% off orders over $100, and extra 20% off orders over $125 – readers love their schoolboy blazers and sweaters (down as low as $84), and they have a great selection of summer suiting in the sale
- Jenni Kayne – Semi-annual warehouse sale
- M.M.LaFleur – Archive sale! (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Nordstrom Rack – Clearance, new arrivals up to 75% off! Nice selection of Vince, Veronica Beard, Reiss and Rag & Bone, a ton of affordable work dresses from Calvin Klein, Maggy London, Eliza J, and Donna Morgan
- Ruti – Semi-annual sale, up to 70% off!
- Splendid – Up to 60% off women's sale!
- Talbots – 6/19 only: free shipping, no minimum! Readers love their cashmere cardigans
For work? Ew.
This is lovely in theory but I think the mid-thigh-high front and back slits make it more of a ‘slinky day dress’ than work dress in practice.
It looks like a cross between a rain coat and a bathrobe. I’m confused by it.
Lol
I thought it was a robe.
Ho but make it frumpy but also appropriate for a zoom.
I also thought it was a bathrobe.
It looks like the model has a couple bottom buttons undone – even still that front slit is a bit high.
I hate modal. It’s clingy.
Modal makes no sense for a shirtdress, which should be made of a crisp woven fabric.
Even Reiss is relying on synthetic fabrics? This not going to feel good on the body in addition to only looking good while you’re standing up with a drink in hand.
It looks like a bathrobe to me too.
Yeah, the mid thigh front slit is a dealbreaker for me
How much would you tip movers in a VHCOL area? Two bed apartment, nothing special to move. We’ve even made their job easier by taking some family antiques and fragile items ourselves.
10% of total in cash ~ small bills to each mover ~ maybe more depending on how it goes~
Definitely not this. That could be a $2000 tip on a cross country move! I’d do more in the range of $20-$100 each depending on how many there are, stairs, large items, and anything else that makes it complicated or annoying.
This could be way too much. I would probably do $100 each.
We tipped $50 each (3 movers) on a $1000 move.
Adding – we moved from an elevator building into a rowhouse with narrow stairs, would have done a little less, probably $30 each, if elevators and carts both ways.
I also did $50 each when I last moved.
I think I did $60 each when I last moved (3 movers, so $180 total)
I think it depends on the conditions of the move day. I think $100 per person is normal for our HCOL area. We did $200/mover (4 people) on a same day move (I think the move itself was about $2500?) because the day started out hot and humid (when loading the truck) and ended with a thunderstorm (when unloading the truck).
OP here and just to add more detail, it’s a five-mile drive between places, no complex driveways etc, and good weather – low 60s.
so is this an hourly rate move? I’d go with 10% (split among the movers in cash) or $50 per mover, whichever is higher.
Hourly with four-hour min, so won’t be less than $720. 3 movers.
Mentally, I would budget $1k total and whatever amount is not eaten by the hourly fee is what I would tip.
$100 each
+1.
That seems crazy to me. That’s so much money – these are salaried/hourly employees.
Not sure where you live, but I have never found movers that were “salaried.” It’s a very physical job, and they’re taking care of your belongings. Pay them!
$50-$100 per person.
Am in a VHCOL area, and I tipped $100 each in cash for a 1-bedroom, same-city move.
50-100$ each plus a pizza or sandwiches and a bunch of gatorate/other drinks.
I thought that the weekend post re two adults living at home to save money but also wanting to date was interesting. I feel similarly as a newly re-single person who has moved home as part of relocating to home city (ideally: city, but currently car-based suburb). My parents are lovely, but I don’t want to be making out in the driveway when I know that my dad will be popping out to walk the elderly dog on an unpredictable schedule. My plan is to get my own place once I’ve saved up a bit (maybe in 6 months). In the meantime, I feel that I could rush to an away-date to test the waters (but then I’d insist on driving in case it was a catastrophic fail). But I’m always driving because that’s how our city is: so I’m always sober and it’s weird to linger in a parking garage (and kind of creepy). I don’t want to rush the apartment plans just for this (final school loan should be paid off). And I feel that everyone is either young and frugal because of school debt (or young and reckless with bottle service), so I’m glad to find someone who shares the big financial picture value. Maybe this is why prior generations got married at 22? But I’m trying to see if there is enough of a spark while still maintaining decorum (so enough spark, but not too much spark). And it’s a million degrees out, so it seems like everything is inside around other people now.
Honestly, if you’re newly single, in the midst of relocating, and planning to be on your own again in the near term… this is not a bad time to just… get a grip on yourself, settle in, and then start dating again after you’ve moved out.
I feel like no dude would ever think this way. A good catch may be caught in 6 months and in swear at 28 it seems that most of the good ones are locked-down already :(
Omg if you are only 28 you have a lot of time to date, good grief.
Yes and also no. If I had a quality guy asking me out, I’d not sit on that. He will move on as would you if the situation were reversed.
From my older friends who focused on career then, assuming they’d meet the guy in due course, they all seem to be scrambling or doing IVF or contemplating egg freezing now that many places offer it.
Based on your newly re-single status and your idea of how a quality guy would behave, you might benefit from taking a few months off the dating scene to mature.
+1
Different perspective, from someone going through a midlife e divorce: it’s a good way to date in a low-key way. The OP can accept a dinner or drinks date (unless she is extremely petite or a lightweight, one drink is fine), see if sparks fly, all that.
Linger and make out on a park bench, not the parking garbage.
The risk is in moving too fast because she wants to leave her parents’ place and move in with a new guy.
No, you should not have one drink and then drive home.
You are clearly going to add a lot of value to this conversation.
Why not? Be very specific.
Being VeRy SpEciFiC, she just dropped in a statement without context and probably only specific to her, which adds no value to the dialogue. Lots of people can have one drink and drive home. If OP isn’t one of them, she probably already knows that.
This is a weird parenthetical. I weigh about 95 pounds and can handle a drink or two.
I can handle a low-test beer. An IPA from a brewery is not something I’d want to drive home on. I can feel it and I’m 130 pounds.
I am average-sized (125 lbs) and can only drive home on a mocktail.
Yeah. I’m very, very careful and can do 1 drink (or 2 if it’s over 3 hours). But, I also don’t drink liquor or IPAs. You can get lagers or pilsners at craft breweries.
I was attempting to be cognizant of everyone’s situations.
The wrongest answer is to move in with anyone you aren’t mostly sure you’d marry promptly to save $ — living with parents is better (assuming it’s finite and it seems that OP has every intention of that and maybe has done it and had a grown-up relationship also). I had a friend stuck living with an ex she couldn’t afford to leave until the year lease was up. THAT was pausing your life (or living very awkwardly, luckily he was just not the right guy vs anyone dangerous or jealous in a very bad way, but still).
This is why I don’t think couples should move in together until marriage, or at least until a firm wedding date has been set that is less than six months away.
Yeah, I’m team “do not move in with a significant other unless you would marry them in a heartbeat.” Like, if you don’t want to marry for other reasons, sure. But the relationship has got to be locked in before you should move in with someone because things can get very expensive and unpleasant if it doesn’t work out.
Sometimes I feel like society is going to re-invent marriage like re-inventing the wheel.
Good advice
I don’t want to date a person who is not an independent adult living apart from his parents.
And yet I don’t want to date someone who has got student loans because I’d like to have a kid some day and worked really hard to pay off school asap.
I think it’s one thing to live at home just to have more money to spend all the time (and then spending it all). But if you aren’t rich, it’s one of the only ways parents have to get their kids launched :(
So you are saying my husband shouldn’t have married me because I had student loans from putting myself through college and I couldn’t move back in with my parents because they lost their home. Cool, cool.
Go get your own place and live on a budget like a real adult.
I don’t think that anyone is saying this at all.
There is a big spectrum of student loans, the scariest of which are the ones where someone didn’t finish a degree (so has no upside associated with the expense) or can’t earn enough to pay for them, possibly ever. If your loans can be paid off in due time, cool. Like the doctor who can pay for a shocking amount of debt over a 30-year work life. Have a lot and the income situation of your field won’t ever allow for that, you can really have so much it crimps your life if you don’t throw everything at it when you’re young, particularly if you don’t have kids yet (so you could add some side gigs or do things like live at home).
A friend wanted to work in NYC and had an uncle on Staten Island who was a long-time city employee. She gladly moved into the rec room and used a rolling rack as a closet so that she could safe up for the deposit and credit check on a part of a rental she wouldn’t have had parental funding for. It wasn’t an ideal commute, but she was so grateful. It’s what people without trust funds do when they can.
9:54 is saying exactly that. She doesn’t want to be burdened with her spouse’s student loans.
Moving in with your uncle is much better than moving in with your parents.
Well, if that’s your standard, fine, but lots of good quality people exist with student loans and you may want to consider compromising on that.
That’s a fair proposition. I had a ton of friends living 4 in a rental house, and maybe an intern on the basement couch. Getting a good roommate situation was always so sketchy and rough if you are new in a city. I feel like if I had a choice between some BFFs or even friends of friends from college, I’d choose that over parents. But I had one roommate who was so antisemitic / fundamentalist that it was pretty bad just having a friend over. But a lot of people I know wanted to live at home if they could for 1-2 years, pay off something like 50K of loans, and then use that for when they’d move out, which doesn’t seem extreme to me. If you are trying to work at a lot of places, you really can’t add on part-time work or driving for Uber.
OK, but why are we shading people trying to get out from under their loans or save up for a goal? They aren’t doing Only Fans or anything shady.
Same same same.
Time to grow up and move out of your parents house, you are just shifting your costs to them. You need to figure out how to live on a budget, get some roommates and launch yourself.
Man, if I ever had parents near a city I’d work in, I’d use that as a way to pay off school or save for a down payment or both. Why is this so weird? I feel in the northeast that is really common with friends from there. What I wouldn’t give for relatives with laundry and a 4BR and parking near NYC.
Hi – Mom of adult here and I think this says a lot about your relationship with your parents but does not apply to all or even many people.
My daughter moved home for two years when she graduated from college because we live in a VHCOL city and she needed to build up her savings while also working the low paying entry level job that led to a much better one. The added costs of having her home were minimal and certainly much, much less than rent in our city, even with roommates. I was thrilled to have her, thought she was making the responsible adult decision, and considered the added utility expenses to be money well spent in exchange for a child who now has emergency fund.
Yes, I got a good job and moved out appropriately after college. This generation is just so…. something else. Not good.
This is a really judgmental take. In many parts of the world, it’s completely normal and expected and yes, appropriate for adults in their 20s to live with their parents.
Not sure who made you the queen of determining what is and is not appropriate! Every generation thinks the generation below them is terrible.
I see college kids who can’t even drive. IDK how those kids will ever have a job or not leave home where they can rely on adult drivers. This situation doesn’t seem that concerning. I doubt OP will be there too long (and plenty of adults in my city move home while they check out neighborhoods and what’s on the market before signing a lease, which may take a few months if renting or longer if trying to buy).
We have reached the “young people today” part of the discourse!
Story time: My mother moved herself and her toddler in with her parents when she left her abusive husband (aka my father). Her parents lived with their three other children in a three-bedroom house. It was a tight fit. We lived with them for four years until she finished her education. She went on to get a master’s degree and lives a very solid upper-middle class life. All of that – all of the financial and emotional stability she was able to build and provide to me – was possible because her parents said “come home”.
I am the poster above whose adult daughter lived with her for two years. Nothing I could ever do for her would repay what my grandparents and parents (mother and stepfather) did for me. Every family is different but in mine the family is the essential economic block, not the individual, and none of us fools ourselves that we are able to succeed on our own or will never need help. And we know that help will be freely given. That has not prevented any of us from being responsible, fully employed and competent adults.
Escaping an abusive marriage with your children is brave and appropriate. It is not the same thing as a 28-year-old’s choosing to live with their parents to get out of adulting.
I wish my sister had moved in with my parents (large exurb home) instead of staying near her toxic ex, where she’d run into his affair partner in the grocery store. I know plenty of military people who move home when their spouse gets deployed (in part to bank deployment pay differentials).
So broke because boomers ruined the economy? Yes, we are.
In my city, the lucky kids get parental help with a down payment for a condo. So I have to compete with that when I am trying to get something. The only way I can save up cash like that is . . . living at home for a year or two.
In community college, most students are adults and live at home. Then maybe they are done with school or finish a program or transfer to State U and live there. But I see this all the time.
Saying a 28 year old is living at home to escape adulting is a wild take.
My sister is 28 and lives at home. She’s a teacher and cash flowed her masters (required) while living at home. She’s almost paid off her undergrad loans and wants to save for a down payment.
She doesn’t pay our parents rent, but she cooks dinner for everyone most nights (whoever gets home first cooks) and does her share of other household chores and yard work.
Her boyfriend lives downtown, so she spends weekends there. Most of her friends live downtown too. Her job is a unicorn (magnet school) but would be a crazy commute , so switching schools just so she can move out doesnt make sense.
She’s paying off school, saving money, a contributing to a household, and making a good career move at the expense of having more fun living downtown. I’d say that ts more responsible move.
Of course, plenty here would say thats her fault for going into teaching but where would we be if everyone gave up teaching for a more lucrative career?
As the parent of a young adult I understand the logic of this, but I still believe that it is developmentally important for new college graduates to live on their own, struggle to pay their own bills, and make their own way. As a manager, I have consistently found that junior-level Ph.D./master’s/J.D. hires who have lived on their own and who had real jobs between college and grad school inevitably perform the best.
+1 – just grow up already, the money saving argument is just not compelling.
This sounds like attrition/survivor bias rather than the beneficial effects of living alone.
Well, it’s a pretty low-stakes way to instill some survivor skills and suffering. That’s an important part of growing up—otherwise you never learn perspective.
A 21-year-old living at home is a lot different from a 28-year-old living at home.
+1. And you should have a clear end date in mind. My sibling was in this position (late 20s, newly single, living at home after moving back to our metro area) but didn’t plan an exit date. Guess who was still living at home 18 months later, then moved in with a horrible SO and deeply regretted it?
Totally. I think age matters a lot here. And also if there is an end date vs. indefinite.
The people I know who live at home are subsidizing their aging, disabled parents by paying above market rent, while also providing extensive caretaking.
I’m not familiar with this freeloader stereotype.
I think both paying rent to parents and caregiving for elderly parents are fairly common, but I’ve never heard of an adult child living with their parents, paying rent AND being a caregiver for said parents. It’s one or the other (and honestly the caregiving probably has greater monetary value in most places).
My failure to launch SIL has been there for 20 years. If she wanted to move out, she could, but I think she has a lot of issues going on. Most people want to move on and do.
Rent is expected, and the caretaking and caregiving sneaks up on top of it. And the parents won’t admit they’re declining even when (or because) it’s dire.
(Also despite generational stereotypes, some people’s parents are just not in good financial shape.)
What is WITH all of you this morning? This is just a rude comment.
This is a whole lot of worrying. Would it matter in 5 years if you started dating your now partner while you were still figuring it out? 10 years? No. It’s all temporary. If you’re ready to date, date. If not, wait. But don’t wait because you’re embarrassed about being prudent. And as for everyone saying they wouldn’t date someone living at home — there is a HUGE difference between a pit stop and a permanent final destination.
As a scrappy, independent person who has always made my own way in life, I would like to marry someone with similar values. That means not a person who would sacrifice his independence by moving in with his parents, among many other things. YMMV.
I am a scrappy person, but I endured a very long commute in grad school due to finances. My parents were from a small nowhere town. I had a classmate living a few blocks away with an aunt. I would let my nieces / nephews to that if they were interested in my city since I don’t have funds to help them with school but I do have a spare bedroom (so good for internships or getting launched, but I wouldn’t envision years and years and feel that they wouldn’t, either).
I agree with this. Go ahead and date if you want! You’ll figure it out. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here.
The comments against living with family are so weird. The economy stinks and those of us who graduated in the last 10 or so years likely still have student loans. The housing market (both renting and buying) is crazy expensive.
Living at home to save money is the smart move!
I’m 31 and told my parents if my landlord raises my rent much I’m moving home!
It’s so completely failing to launch. I would be so embarrassed as a parent and a kid.
ok well there’s no such thing as a free lunch — you are trading savings for privacy.
I agree. I see no issue with living at home temporarily to save money until you can take the next step. Someone above mentioned it being a pit stop, which makes sense.
There’s been discussion on here about parents helping kids by paying their bills/rent while the kid lives on their own. I feel like that’s more of an issue with making the kid dependent on the parents.
Right? I am happy to no-cost a kid who returns home for a bit, but I would not pay for them to live in elsewhere outside of an undergrad dorm. I’m not worried about living at home becoming permanent but outplacement life support could be, so I’m not planning to ever offer.
I think it’s telling on themselves – just because they or their parents aren’t capable of living with their adult children and treating them as adults, they think that’s the case for everyone. I haven’t lived at home since I graduated college, but I would go in on a house with my parents in a heartbeat. My in laws on the other hand don’t respect their children’s independence quite as much, so it would require some hard conversations before I’d be willing to unless it was a crisis situation.
Exact opposite for me, but yes, agreed. I live a flight or 9 hours’ drive from my parents for a reason, and have been out of their house since I graduated undergrad. It would take a huge crisis with absolutely no other solution for me to consider living with them (either in their house or mine) ever again.
My in-laws are local, and lovely humans who have been appropriately supportive, and I would happily have them in our house or move in with them if needs ever required it.
Echoing that you are getting the cart a bit before the horse here. I will say, with a sample size of one, my sister was able to navigate the dynamic of living at home in the bubs successfully. She had friends in the city and told me parents that she was sleeping over at their house to avoid a 45 minute drive to the suburbs after dinner. This worked both for going out with friends and also dating. Comically, she slept over at one friend’s house so much that my parents had a talk with her along the lines of “it’s ok if you are dating her, just tell us.”
That conversation is the perfect illustration of the privacy loss from living with parents.
Why wouldn’t she just tell your parents that she was staying at her boyfriend’s house?
Because you can’t be a child and an adult at the same time.
Poster above – actual answer, because it was multiple situation-ships in a row and not someone you bring home.
To be fair, if living with my parents prevented situation-ships from metastasizing the way mine did, living at home would have been worth it. Too many people you can’t bring home is no way to live. Do not recommend.
People are really weird about this for some reason. I lived at home until I was about that age because I was helping with caregiving. The parent died and then I moved out.
But in today’s economy, if I could have saved about $10,000 a year in rent to throw at my student loans or save for a down payment, I would take that in a heartbeat. Who care if people judge you for “failing to launch” if you have cash in the bank longterm?
And not for nothing, yes it sucked that I didn’t date as much or go out ALL the time in my 20s. I had a terrible commute. But both of my parents were dead within 10 years of that and what I did have was time with them. It’s all a tradeoff.
Your last paragraph is spot-on. You can’t have it all–no living expenses, convenient location, and freedom to date. If you choose to live with your parents you just need to let dating go for that time. There are tradeoffs to all decisions.
I’m in search of a smaller black handbag. I bought the Tory Burch Roma Bucket bag. I don’t dislike it but as I stare at it in on my dresser for the last two weeks I’m worried it’s unique enough in look that maybe I won’t like it in 2-3 years…?
I’m hoping to use this bag for elevated personal use (dinners out, going to the theatre, date nights,
etc) and for business trips where we have a dinner for example and I don’t want to drag my work tote to dinner with me. Just something nicer, classic, understated, clean. No or absolute minimal logos (TB bag has a subtle emblem engraved on a piece of hardware I can live with).
Any recs? Maybe this bag does the trick and I’m over thinking it? Have poked around Strathberry, Veronica Beard and a few others. Any favorites out there?
What is your budget? I really like the look of the Liffner pushlock clutch or the Veronica Beard Dash clutch, both about $500.
$500 or less? I have wiggle room but theoretically in that range.
If you look at Susan Gail on Poshmark, you can get something striking and unique for about $100 of real leather with no logos.
Do you want a clutch, a shoulder bag, a crossbody…?
FWIW I think a bucket bag is pretty timeless, but the Tory Burch one doesn’t read elevated to me.
Something with a handle. Not to be worn crossbody. If it goes over the shoulder, great, but happy to just hold it in my hand or on a bent forearm, if that makes sense.
Bucket bags look more “day” to me than what you’re describing. Is that what’s bugging you?
I think that may be it. I want it to be versatile. Not something for, like, a black tie event but something I can just quickly grab and not have to ponder if it’s suitable for the occasion, be that a friendly business dinner, date night or whatever.
This looks like a beautiful bag for that purpose. Its material and hardware look day or evening appropriate, unlike most bucket bags that read daytime. It also looks more classic than unique to me, i.e., it won’t get dated too fast. I would love a bag like this for nice work dinners.
all of your use cases sound like “clutch” to me. why do you want it to have a handle?
Let me understand. You have a bag you like but
You’re worried you won’t like it in 2-3 years so you’re also looking for another bag?
Capitalism is a scourge.
what do you pack for a conference so you have something other than a suit if something turns up to do in the evening… no idea yet what that thing could be (dinner? a baseball game? based on prior experience) needs to take up very little space in carryon.
Dinner: a more relaxed or bright-colored top to wear with the suit pants. Baseball game or other sporty event: nice casual pants or skirt and elevated t-shirt. Total of three items should work.
Shoes take up the most space for me, so I try to wear loafers or flats that can be worn with a suit or nice jeans. In summer, I might bring a shirt dress (assuming I can iron it) which is suitable for dinner or a baseball game and can also be paired with my loafers. I lean preppy, so ymmv.
During the summer, I would pack a light weight / summery dress.
I usually pack a black linen summer dress for after-hours outings during the summer.
op here. that’s what i’m leaning toward with a cardigan. debating whether to bring sandals or cute sneaks.
I usually try to make my travel outfits elevated enough to double as pieces for ‘casual’ evenings – nice dark wash denim, loafers/dressy sneakers, linen or poplin trousers, etc. I’d wear more casual bottoms with a top that I could also wear under a suit and then sneakers/slip on loafers/mocs.
If it is an outdoor event in the height of the summer I’d go for a dress just to have some air movement.
op here: i’m having a hard time because the conference is in nashville next week meaning it could be freezing inside and scorching outside. When i went to this conference two years ago i spent an uncomfortable evening at a very hot minor league ball game in suit pants and loafers. would be easier if it was cooler. agree would bring jeans or cute sneakers and swap out my suit pieces.
Linen pants are good for the freezing AC/scorching outdoor scenario.
I can never rewear my travel outfits–they get so sweaty and stinky on the plane.
Deep thoughts probably best suited for a therapist.
My mom and I have always had reversed roles. I’m the responsible one and she just sort of glides through life. “Gliding” looks different now that she’s 80. Three years ago, she moved into a 2 bedroom cottage and has refused to meaningfully downsize, believing that if she can perfectly Tetris it all, all her worldly possessions will fit in the cottage. Well, that goal for perfection means she’s the only one who can do it and she’s never in the mood to do it, so she has trails and piles throughout the house. The only clear floor space is in the kitchen. Three years of this. It’s a safety and fire hazard, but she says it’s not.
She’s also online 24/7 and falls for every stupid AI whatsit you can imagine, every spam email. And she gets scammed too.
I miss my mom. I don’t have her because I spend my time begging her to please clean her house (she invariably just moves the piles around, if she does anything). I’ve taken her to the doctor – she’s on a healthy dose of an antidepressant (recently increased). We tried adderall, thinking maybe that would help with the piles, but it made her ill.
I can’t afford to bring in an organizing coach to sit with her for 2,000 hours and discuss with her whether she needs every knick knack. (I paid for this about 15 years ago and it helped, but the job got interrupted and I’m not able to afford it now.)
Do I give up on having my mom the person and just accept that my role with her is telling her to clean her house and no, that thing she read online isn’t true, and no, no one’s giving her $100,000? She won’t help herself at all and I’m so sad about it.
Speaking from experience, this is not about “cleaning” or organizing or whether she “needs” certain items. Your mom is a hoarder. Perhaps looking back she always has been and it’s more apparent now in a smaller space? My mom is a hoarder. Always has been. She is not emotionally able to get rid of almost anything, including junk mail. “Moving the piles around” describes it 100%. And yes, many rooms of her house are now unusable or have only a very narrow walkway, which absolutely is a fire or tripping hazard now that she is older and less mobile.
This is hard to accept, but there is nothing you can do about the hoarding. You cannot change her. You cannot nag her into changing. You cannot buy your way out of this through hiring an organizer. She would need to do intensive amounts of therapy on her own, and it sounds like she has no motivation to do that.
So what I do is I mainly see my mom outside of the house. We go out to lunch, we go out to various activities around town.
Do not tell her to clean her house. It will not work, and will only make both of you feel bad and drive her further away. Focus your emotional energy on trying to prevent her falling for scams (I have no advice on that but there have been other threads addressing this problem).
+1, well said and sage advice
i like the idea to see her outside the house, that sounds like you could still enjoy your mom a bit.
You are describing hoarding. No, you absolutely can’t nag her out of it but it might ruin your relationship to do it. Focus on talking about other things when you are together and just enjoy the time you have with her. You can call emergency services if you absolutely must, like if you smell smoke or notice a structural failure about to happen, but otherwise, there is really not much you can do if she is of sound mind. Don’t ruin the time you have left with her by fighting her every day. I had to learn this the hard way with a relative who was then diagnosed with dementia.
Gently, she is a hoarder. Unless it poses an immediate threat to healthy and safety, let it go.
I’m so sorry. I agree that unfortunately there’s not much you can do. I think for your sake you need to stop feeling like you have to manage her life or tell her what to do, because she won’t listen to you. And mentally prepare yourself for cleaning out the house once she passes.
No need to personally clean out a hoarder’s house as the heir. Hiring it out is a great use of resources—both for the time (who can take that much time away from their life?!) and to preserve fond memories of the deceased. It’s hard to keep fond memories if your last memory is dealing with mountains of excess stuff.
Falling for scams and hoarding disorder can be cognitive and neurological, but I assume she’s already had neuropsychological evaluation if they tried meds like ADHD meds already. An experienced clinic should be able to put you in touch with support services in the community such as exist near you (realistically these may be more support for you dealing with the situation).
You opened with “deep thoughts probably best suited for a therapist.”
Do you have a therapist? It sounds like that might be beneficial. You have been trying for years (decades?) to change your mom and you’re still asking if you should just “give up on having my mom the person.” This is definitely therapy territory, along with the sadness and grief involved in it all.
I’d treat the hoarding issue separately from the finances. I agree with the other posters, hoarding is a mental disorder and nagging will not fix it.
If the finances/falling for scams is a know issue, and there is a therapist already involved, I might suggest starting the process to evaluate if a financial POA is necessary.
I think you need to first do what you can to protect her finances from her gullibility.
Then decide if you want the rest of your relationship with her to revolve around her hoarding disorder and you nagging her about it, or if you can adjust to meet her where she is.
If you have cousins about your age but your moms stopped talking to each other, have you done anything to try to stay in touch with them once you’ve gone to college (or later)? My aunt stopped talking to my mom around the time my grandmother died. My mom doesn’t really talk about it. I think maybe there was some sort of inheritance issues? My cousins are all a year on either side of me (and they don’t really have any other cousins). We visited when I was a kid but then that stopped around COVID and froze when my grandmother died. Would it be weird to try texting or following on Insta? I won’t likely ever see them but it seems weird to continue the frost at my mom/aunt’s level.
Reach out and see. My DH reached out and has one real friend as a result. Out of six people.
I had this situation and I tried a bit to connect with my 3 paternal cousins as an adult. Everyone was warm and open to outreach. However, we all live in different areas/countries, and it’s hard to keep up relationships without more in person connections. So in reality we’re more like pen pals via instagram vs. close connections.
My dad and his sister had several falling outs, the last and most final one was about inheritance. I’ve never reached out to my cousins and they’ve never reached out to me. However, we weren’t close before this (grew up in different areas, visited each other as kids only a handful of times, so there was on bad blood but basically no relationship). If we’d been close I can see trying to maintain a relationship despite estrangement between our parents – although I think it can be tough.
*no bad blood, I mean
I honestly wouldn’t worry about whether it’s “weird” to reach out to them in some way. Just go ahead and do it. It will likely feel awkward, because reconnecting after a freeze, when the moms are still estranged, isn’t quickly going to feel warm and comfortable.
Reach out and see!
I was close with my cousins when younger, then we drifted apart geographically as we all went off to college (before texting was a thing, back when it was letters or long distance phone calls). We have tried to reconnect since then but mostly just connect around holidays. Not that we don’t want to be friendly, we just grew apart. It is more natural to keep in touch periodically like this rather than trying to incorporate each other into our daily friend groups from across the country.
I don’t think it’s weird, and I encourage you to do it. Just keep your expectations low on how close the relationship will likely be, but you sound like you got that already.
Try it! My DH and his cousins have maintained their relationship despite their mothers (sisters in their late 70s & early 80s) having on-and-off falling outs. Use the contact info/social media you have to reach out to something like “hey! was just thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. Would love to talk or see you when it’s convenient.” They can always leave you on read if they’re not interested.
so i tried with one set of cousins who I was very close with growing up. but i am 7-8 years older than the oldest one and at such different life stages and then i moved. also, my cousins’ parents did a lot of really shady things (over leveraged themselves, conned my grandfather into taking out a 2nd mortgage on his house to pay for their kitchen renovation, wrote checks that bounced and then begged my mom to contact wealthy great uncle on their behalf for money) and my cousins do not know ANY of this. I don’t know that my cousins were ever told why we stopped seeing each other for family holidays. Growing up I was very very close with my uncle and aunt, and it kind of bothers me a lot that my uncle took complete advantage of my mom and lied to his kids (my cousins) about all of it. we do follow each other on insta and i text them happy birthday, but that is about it.
I’d reach out on Instagram. It’s the lowest stakes option and opens a door for communication – even if it is just memes. The only caution I’d give you is that it can get complicated if the schism is more of a non-contact situation, than just an inheritance fight. In similar situation, my mom is fairly protective of what from her life her sister can see, especially when my cousin still lived at home.
Any restaurant recs for Rome and Bologna region. Will have a 7 year old who is a reasonably good eater.
Rome – we loved the local vibes around south Aventino & Testaccio neighborhoods, about a 20-30 minute walk or easy metro from the more historic site areas. There is a market with stalls in Testaccio and Le Mani, one of the stalls, was our fave pasta of the trip.
Great pick! And I am so amused by the posters
who don’t understand you can button up the buttons on a shirt. I have a couple of shirt dresses that I really like, and have another on order.
I commented above. The neckline is not the problem. I can see that the lowest available, currently-unbuttoned, button on the leg is mid-thigh. From my experience with Reiss, it is designed to be s-xy daywear. Like, I can see Rebecca from Ted Lasso wearing this to work… but not me.
I love shirt dresses but not ones that will make me look like I tossed on my summer dressing gown and ran out the door to the office with curlers in my hair.
Just because an item checks off certain components of a style doesn’t mean it fulfills all the criteria of the category.
I was just chosen to join an invite-only leadership program by my large company. It involves in-person sessions a plane ride away. They’re each a few days long with mandatory evening events and lots of time on my feet. I would normally accept it no questions asked but I’m going through IVF right now. My first embryo tr-fer has already been scheduled. If the tr-fer fails I plan to schedule the next one ASAP.
Conference #1 I’ll be at the beginning of my second trimester (ideal), partway through my first trimester (nauseous, exhausted, and giving myself daily injections), or not pregnant at all. Conference #2 I’ll be on maternity leave, definitely too far along to fly, or medically able to travel but it will be very unpleasant.
Would you accept the invite? I’m planning to job hunt as soon as I’m back from maternity leave, so I don’t care about my long term path at this company. But if my manager asks why I declined the program I can’t tell them why.
Yes. Don’t borrow trouble.
Yes. Lean in until you need to do otherwise.
Yes, and deal with any scheduling changes if and when they are needed. Don’t limit yourself without cause at the point.
Totally depends on the consequences for bowing out. If there would be serious repercussions for not going to all events, I wouldn’t accept. Otherwise, you’re not pregnant yet and you don’t know if/when you will be so you can’t be expected to plan your whole life around the possibility! But I’ve never been in a situation where you wouldn’t be able to bow out or make alternate plans if you did fall pregnant.
Whoa, why couldn’t you just say you can’t do it right now due to health? You don’t need to overshare. Ask to punt it to next year.
Ask if you can defer by a year.
Yes; IVF is unpredictable. If the first transfer fails, schedule the second so that it makes sense with the conference.
It took us five transfers to have an embryo stick. Thank god I didn’t plan my life around the what ifs if they worked. Accept the offer, and solve the happy problems if they come! And may your transfers be successful early on so you do have these happy problems to solve!
I hadn’t seen a picture of me in a strapless dress from the back in a while, but I did this weekend. That whole area can use some toning. I am bony on the front, but somehow aging into a desk job means that my upper body is still and slouchy and maybe not to the point of a back hump yet but definitely padded in a new and unfamiliar way. Start lifting? I hate swimming but have a Y membership, but get that that would help a lot probably.
I am no help re: swimming, as I hate it too, but I am a huge evangelist for women doing weight/resistance training generally. Especially as I’ve gotten older, it’s been a real game-changer for how I feel about my body, both from an aesthetic perspective and from a performance/how my body actually feels perspective.
I’m in my 40s now, but in my 30s I did a ton of barbell/olympic lifting, and I looked and felt great. As my job has gotten more demanding, I’m less able to devote the time I used to, but I still do freeweight lifting (in addition to moderate cardio) and it’s really helped both how I look, and my overall health and mobility.
Sure, swimming might help, but if you hate it, you won’t do it. What about getting a personal trainer at the Y to help you set up a good routine for strength training?
No shade, but maybe you just can’t do strapless dresses right now. I know I can’t, even when I’m very toned. It just cuts badly against my shape.
I want to get some blue light blocking clear lens glasses that also have uv protection. Any specific frames or companies to recommend? Prefer to stay under $50. I might get two pairs (one for work, one for home).
I’m thinking about a Peloton subscription, without a bike or treadmill, because I like guided structures and want to do the strength components. Can you also do the treadmill runs outside? Or do they only make sense with a treadmill? From what my friend says, there aren’t as many outdoor run classes as treadmill classes.
You can totally do this if you have flexibility (like doing speed where they cue incline). But you will want to download the classes over WiFi and pre-store them on your phone, because streaming them is like 1 gb of data each, even for the 30 minute ones.