Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Short-Sleeve Belted Cotton A-Line Midi Dress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A few years ago, it was a struggle to find work-appropriate A-line looks, but I’m delighted to report this is no longer an issue. This short-sleeve dress from Carolina Herrera is one of the best I’ve seen this season. The built-in belt gives it a gorgeous shape, and the dark green color is going to be beautiful in any season.
I rarely wear heels, but I think this look calls for a truly fabulous shoe, like these tortoiseshell patent leather pumps from Stuart Weitzman. Add some gold jewelry and you’ve got a simple, chic look for any occasion.
The dress is $2,490 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes 0-20.
A few more affordable options are at Nordstrom, from Eliza J (0-16, $148), Halogen (XXS-XXL, $78.99 during the NAS), and Jessica London (plus sizes 16-28, $86).
Sales of note for 7/11:
- Nordstrom – Designer clearance, up to 60% off!
- Ann Taylor – Semi-annual sale, 60% off sale and 40% off everything — readers love this blouse and I always love the variety of colors/textures for this jacket (it's a great separate)
- Athleta – Extra 30% off semi-annual sale, up to 60% off reader favorites like Brookyn and Endless pants
- AYR – Ooh, good sale section — but lots on final sale. Readers love (LOVE) these comfy work pants and these jeans.
- Banana Republic – Summer sale up to 60% off sale styles + extra 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Up to 40% off sitewide + 40% off 3+ items
- Cuyana – Archive sale, up to 60% off
- Evereve – Extra 30% off sale!
- The Fold – Up to 50% off, further markdowns
- Hobbs – Up to 50% off, extra 30% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select cashmere
- J.Crew Factory – 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off
- Lululemon – Summer sale!
- Margaux – Save up to 50% off, including archive sale
- Me & Em – Sale! Up to 50% off (new lines just added)
- M.M.LaFleur – 25% off jardigans (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Nordstrom Rack – Clear the rack, extra 25% off clearance! Nice selection of Vince, Veronica Beard, Reiss and Rag & Bone, a ton of affordable work dresses from Calvin Klein, Maggy London, Eliza J, and Donna Morgan
- Strathberry – Up to 30% off select styles
- Talbots – 40% off your entire purchase + extra 15% off markdowns
Does anyone have a good stretching/mobility program to share? I’m good at getting my strength and cardio in but I never ever work on my mobility and flexibility and as I get older I notice it a lot in the form of tight shoulders and hamstrings, muscle cramps, etc.
What I’d love is a follow along video series or app that could take me through a series of stretching exercises every day for maybe 20 minutes that I don’t have to think about, just pop on the app or video and go. I would appreciate any ideas or recommendations!
Fitness Blender. I use a lot of their workout programs for strength/cardio and I believe they have some programs geared towards mobility, stretching, etc. They have a lot of free workout videos, but I also pay for their Plus option and it’s not that expensive. You can also buy a pass instead of a full year membership.
I use the free tier. They have several stretching videos of various lengths that are perfect for me.
Yoga by Adrienne on youtube.
Also really like Yogini Melbourne, she’s a bit less chatty, more my vibe.
I’m a Peloton homer and like their stretching and mobility classes on the app (you don’t have to own their equipment). If you have a friend who has a full Peloton membership because they have a bike, tread, or row, they can give you either a 60-day free trial on the app or just add you as a user on their account and you can access the app for free, which I do for a friend.
I really like the Peloton mobility and stretching classes. I use them almost daily.
Peloton has mobility, stretching, & morning/evening stretch classes.
Coach John Noel has some very basic ones as well as some more advanced ones (I only know the free tier social media content options).
ditto yoga with adriene
Interview attire advice – am at the ‘meet the team’ phase of an interview process for a gig I really want. Law firm, generally more conservative attire.
Obviously, it’s scheduled for a day with high 90’s and I need something that works for ‘a couple blocks outside’ as well as conference room with ac. I’ve had a few meetings with this group – coincidentally all on very hot days – so my remaining options are:
White linen suit – wide legged pants, more casual blazer. Very comfortable but I’m afraid it’s too much white…
Suiting dress (black), tropical wool blazer for indoors only (camel)
I’d go with option 2. Can you uber the few blocks?
If it’s a meet the team thing and theyre walking to lunch OP would make a very bad impression ubering
Op here – it’s not only walking to the office (which I could 100% uber) but it would be a walk with potential coworkers/managers so I’m making sure I’m ready for a walk.
How about black suiting dress (I’m assuming it’s sleeveless or at least short sleeve?) with the white linen blazer? I would totally remove the jacket for the 2-block walk.
Op here, The proportions don’t work – the dress is tailored and the blazer is relaxed so somehow it looks like a lab coat….
That was my plan but when I tried it on it didn’t work…
How about the white linen pants with camel blazer? Maybe a black shell underneath? Again, you could remove blazer while walking with the team, I don’t think anyone would bat an eye.
Maybe not the exactly right answer: if you have a good shot at getting this job, and the level of dress is normally conservative anyway, why not get a new beige linen suit for the interview?
I’d get something new that feels right too. Completely agree with this suggestion.
Oh good. :)
Despite frequenting a fashion blog, I don’t like the idea of buying a specific interview suit “just because.” However, if it is filling a genuine closet hole that will need filling anyway, it might be the right move.
I got one for the first interview, actually! So that is not a crazy idea and I already got one.
Can’t you rewear something you already wore, with a change of accessories? No one cares if you rewear, and that’s assuming they even notice. I love camel and black together but it won’t look suitish.
White linen has too many pitfalls – potential for stains or unexpectedly see-through depending on the light.
I already have worn the beige linen suit and then the blazer over a dress for another meeting here… it’s actually been comical how my interviews have lined up with the hottest days we’ve had.
Also, thank you guys for talking this through with me… I want this and it feels like this is my last ‘hurdle’ so I’m overthinking.
I was feeling good about suiting dress with a white blazer but… then the proportions were just.. off.
if you already bought something for an earlier round, i think it’s ok to wear it again. different shell and/or shoes and accessories. i expect no one will notice and if they do so what.
As a lawyer in Houston… black dress. Won’t show the sweat, and take off the jacket for the walk. And, honestly, if the place can’t handle bar arms on a walk in 90F, then that’s probably not somewhere you want to work. Skip the linen – never wears well unless you heavily starch it so that it can almost stand up on it’s own. Theory’s admiral crepe fabric works well for summer. Otherwise, the unsung hero for conservative dressing and walking outside is seersucker.
I accidentally PC’d myself into missing something very obvious. My friend is super into wine culture, last month we went out to get drinks, she got a mocktail with me (in my brain I was like oh maybe she’s finally tackling her bad relationship with alcohol, maybe I’m a good influence, I won’t comment on it.) Nope just pregnant, hahaha.
Honestly, you never know :-D I did something similar in my mid-30s, tackled my relationship, and everyone thought I might be pregnant!
I’m in my mid-30s and wasn’t drinking for a few days because of some IBS issues – it could be anything really, and mocktails are becoming more popular!
I wouldn’t think that this is obvious, and it is difficult when you’re married and people start reading “pregnancy” into *everything.*
“She’s not drinking coffee! Bun in the oven!”
“Oh, a trip out to see the parents! Snicker!”
Maybe she was sick. Maybe the heat was getting to her. Maybe she’s not going to be the only one drinking. Maybe she got a DUI and is playing it safe.
+1. As someone who’s early in pregnancy it’s so frustrating when people ask why I’m not drinking or eating certain foods. I was carrying an item that blocked my still-flat stomach and someone asked “You’re covering your stomach, are you trying to hide that you’re pregnant?” I’m sure your friend appreciated that you didn’t draw attention to her drink order!
What’s your point here? PC is bad? This little anecdote is telling on you more than your friend.
Dumb problem of the day – I lost the belt to a robe. But it’s a Turkish towel fabric, very lightweight, so I don’t think a regular terry robe sash will fit. Wwyd? I am not crafty or handy at all. I’m sure there’s some $2 fix here that I’m just not seeing?
Cording trim by the yard from Michaels? Cordage from Home Depot by the foot? Woven rope belt? Karate white belt obtained from Facebook marketplace? All wild ideas, not sure any appeal to you!
Somewhere in here is your fix. I’m team Happy Cordage.
maybe braided cord or a simple macrame belt? Something like this https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/808526199/braided-cotton-rope-cord-tie-up-belt-in?ls=a&ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=macrame+belt&ref=sc_gallery-1-4&plkey=EuA4UTLajETTt2iZfANVbQmWHD98%3ALT877a7b3e00b93825c66bf8d10a70706b3d87e664
Wide grosgrain ribbon in a coordinating shade. If you’re not handy at all, cut they ends with pinking shears, but if you can hem the ends they’ll last longer. Or use Stop Fraying (it’s like a glue) to finish the ends.
Girl, you can melt the edges with a lighter.
Lesson every ballet girl learned at 10 years old…
I’d use it as an excuse to get a new robe. They get ratty pretty fast.
My husband has depression manifesting as extreme negativity and irritability towards us and extreme sadness about life circumstances within himself. He is not currently on medication but doesn’t have high hopes for improvement based on past experience. I’m pushing for it anyway and I think he will try it again. His irritability is ruining my day every day, in part because it reminds me of the toxic household I grew up in and that I swore I would never be part of again. I cannot and will not tolerate walking on eggshells, explosions over stupid things, and the like. It’s my bright line, and I’ve told him a million times over the years that a warm, happy household is my priority number one (and to readers, it’s ok if that’s not YOUR priority number one). I now grieve for what we used to have. My question is this – how do I enforce this boundary/need without increasing the shame of someone who is at risk of thinking we’ll be better off without him? I obviously can’t say “you’re ruining our marriage and household,” and I know that depression is very, very real and not something he can just flip a switch on. I already get out of the house and do my own thing as much as is practical, so I can no longer avoid addressing the source. How do I do this?
Oh, I meant to add that if I ever say anything specific, like “it’s not ok to snap at me for ___” he’ll say “I know” (genuinely) but that’s the end of the conversation. I have to drag anything else out of him and I’m too exhausted to keep doing that.
I hate this! If you know, commit to the fix then. So tired of the people in my house snapping exactly this back when I am tired of getting snapped at.
have you tried couples therapy? Seems like a third party might help you guys figure out how to talk about and work with this dynamic.
We haven’t tried it but I do think either that or therapy for me needs to be next. For nearly 20 years, we had such a strong relationship that there was never any need – truly. I had the warm household, we got along great every day, very rarely had any tension. It’s all a different story with depression. He had it (well managed) when we met but it’s gotten dramatically worse in the last two years, in part due to election and job stress (DOGE cuts, AI replacement) and in part due to becoming parents and the stress that entails.
Would people generally recommend couples vs. individual counseling as the first line? I would rather try one thing at a time, I think, to better identify what is most or least helpful.
If you’re talking about individual therapy for you, it seems to me you should try couples therapy first, and then individual if you want help with what’s coming up in couples therapy. If you’re talking about for him, it seems like individual first is the answer, mostly because if he has serious depression this can be part of the treatment for it.
I get it, but these are very real things that I think a lot of Americans are very stressed about.
This would be harder if he’d tried everything, but right now this sounds under managed. If the meds really don’t work, he can and should still be in therapy at a minimum, surely?
I also always think it’s appropriate to get a more thorough medical work up if first line treatment for a psych diagnosis failed; there are just too many easily missed medical conditions that can cause depression symptoms that will resist treatment until the underlying condition is addressed. But it’s also reasonable to try another med that works differently.
This sounds like couples counseling or counseling for you. And I don’t say that flippantly. It sounds like you’re very clear on what you need but not clear on how (eg, you know your boundary, but short of leaving, how do you maintain it?). That’s a question of gathering scripts and strategies.
+1
It can help to know how to find this kind of counseling. Near me, therapists with scripts and strategies occasionally offer “skills workshops” that can help you find someone you want to continue with.
Yeah. I usually have no tolerance for bright red lines or warm happy households at the expense of reality, but the OP message sounded very clear and I have respect for what was written. Her own therapy for doing her part and making her plans should be useful here.
Im sorry. I feel like a dinosaur. I know depression is real. But at some point don’t grown ups have to not act like jerks to their loved ones? Like I get that he can’t be cheerful but really we can’t expect people with depression to be pleasant or even neutral for extended periods of time? I feel like I’d have an easier time understanding him not getting out of bed than walking around “exploding” on you. Truly, we’re supposed to believe he can’t control his horrible behavior at all? It sounds more like he’s a jerk than a depressed man.
I know you come from a place of sometimes we all are grumpy and need to suck it up so why can’t he, but when you get into clinical depression, it’s really not comparable. You wouldn’t tell a deaf person that they just need to listen more attentively.
I would hesitate to Dx people, but as the person snapping at others (while having a lot of crap dumped on me), it is exhausting. I get that other people are exhausted also, but it is no way to live in a house when everyone gets to dump on the mom/wife/sibling/DIL. These people often know that they’d never act like this except in the home.
I appreciate the deaf analogy and I truly want to try to understand but i don’t. I guess having chronic condition that makes you physically incapable of not acting like a jerk well…that makes you a jerk to me. It’s not like he’s recognizing his disease and trying. If he wasn’t privileged enough to have the benefit of a diagnosis he’d just be what our parents called a jerk and they’re be less hand wringing about leaving him. Hugs op. There would be a me- shaped hole in the wall if my husband was constantly “exploding.”
You seem like someone not sympathetic to actual illness. I’m not actually sure how to digest your comment except to thank the heavens you aren’t a person in my life.
This was my husband. Awareness of an issue but no action taken to resolve issues, or not taking actions to resolve seriously. We did couples counseling which did not help. I couldn’t take the home environment any more, especially for my kids, so I had to divorce him. Living like that for many years, the damage was already done to our kids (manifesting in anxiety and depression for both of them). Divorce was the last thing I wanted to do, but at least I am now walking on eggshells anymore or tense up when something upsets him.
I would assume they just inherited his genes.
Yes, that is a possibility, but I am sure the environment did not help.
I grew up in a household like this and I assure you the environment absolutely has an impact. Depression and anxiety can have genetic components but it is by no means inevitable and environment absolutely plays a role.
I understand your situation. My husband has a chronic condition that causes him pain and limits his mobility. I’m sure he is depressed. He refuses all treatment. After years of this, I am at the point where I have realized that it’s not my job to make his medical decisions for him- and I can’t if I wanted to anyway. So I ignore the whining, etc when he is cranky and I do not offer unsolicited suggestions. I offer my assistance if he asks for help, but beyond that I am hands off in terms of his care. An online support group for people in similar situations has been very helpful for me. I realize that this approach sounds mean, but it’s the only way I can cope with a very tough situation. You don’t need couples counseling. The problem is with him, not you.
I feel like I could have written this post 4 years ago. At that time, I was searching for some magic words to somehow convince my husband to start taking antidepressants again. Spoiler: there are no magic words. The fact that I spent so much time planning for this type of conversation with him because I was walking on eggshells around him all the time. I don’t know how your husband is doing, but I should say mine was fired several times (in a much hotter economy) because he was impossible to work with.
There are two books I recommend: “Depression Fallout” and “To Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay”. The point of the first one is that, while depression is a disease, if your spouse refuses to seek treatment and just inflicts the symptoms on you, he is not participating in the marriage, where both people promise to love and cherish each other. The point of the second one, broadly, is that while people regret divorce they also regret staying in a marriage.
I’m definitely projecting my own experience onto you – but if my story feels familiar to you please take care of yourself, and know that you are not alone.
I feel like I could have written this post 4 years ago. At that time, I was searching for some magic words to somehow convince my husband to start taking antidepressants again. Spoiler: there are no magic words. The fact that I spent so much time planning for this type of conversation with him because I was walking on eggshells around him all the time. I don’t know how your husband is doing, but I should say mine was fired several times (in a much hotter economy) because he was impossible to work with.
There are two books I recommend: “Depression Fallout” and “To Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay”. The point of the first one is that, while depression is a disease, if your spouse refuses to seek treatment and just inflicts the symptoms on you, he is not participating in the marriage, where both people promise to love and cherish each other. The point of the second one, broadly, is that while people regret divorce they also regret staying in a marriage.
I’m definitely projecting my own experience onto you – but if my story feels familiar to you please take care of yourself, and know that you are not alone.
it sounds like he did not have the right medication perhaps or the right dosage. yes medication resistant depression is a thing, but there are a lot of options out there. he needs a good psychiatriast
By telling him that he needs to get therapy and on medication and that both of you need marriage therapy together because your marriage is not working for you and it is a crisis.
I’ve been looking online for swimsuits, and really like the ones I am seeing from Modlily. I’m suspicious of how inexpensive they are, however, and the fact that I can’t tell where they are made or coming from. Any IRL experience?
All my go to summer recipes are out due to cyclospora. What healthy, summery things are you making now?
🙃
Are people actually abstaining from fresh produce because of this? I’m not a huge fruit and veggie eater but I eat more in the summer and am not doing anything differently other than washing things a bit more carefully.
Of course we are. Why ruin a summer with something that hospitalized people?
Yes. Even when it’s not dangerous, it’s a bummer, especially if it takes a few rounds of getting sick before it’s over.
It’s also the last thing anyone needs in this heat wave.
I’m a little in denial. I’m also hoping it’s irrelevant to farmer’s market produce. I have a relevant immune deficiency though.
I think farmer’s market produce is definitely safer, even if not perfectly safe. I’m near the center of the outbreak and most people I’ve heard of who got sick think they got it from lettuce, especially from fast food places. So I’m assuming a big farm that supplies lots of fast food restaurants is the source. I’m avoiding lettuce but otherwise eating normally.
I have an immune deficiency and I’m not taking any precautions right now. We don’t know the source of the outbreak yet, I don’t live in a hotspot state, and I know myself – I’ll suffer mental health declines if I allow myself to get paranoid about a vague “it could be anywhere” threat. I will take action if a source is identified, though.
Yes, having a reason to bother walking a block to the farmer’s market on Saturday morning isn’t a big deal to me; I definitely don’t want to worry or fret about it.
It’s far from the only risk out there just because it’s the one in headlines.
I got it from lettuce/basil a few weeks ago and it was awful, so I would recommend being careful. It triggered my usual minimal IBS as a bonus.
Washing does not kill or remove the cyclospora! Only heating it to 158F will actually kill it.
It’s not a silver bullet but it can lower the risk. People with healthy immune systems require a certain amount to get sick (flashbacks to Covid and all the ‘viral load’ stuff) and so removing some of it has value even if you don’t get all of it.
Yes, it’s relative to immune strength. I think a lot of people’s immune systems aren’t what they used to be.
I’m not.
No
Yes. More people than you realize have medical issues or can’t afford to come down with a major GI illness for whatever reason.
I’m grilling vegetables, baking berry cobbler in the toaster oven, sautéing zucchini to make a lemony pasta, and cooking cherry tomatoes in a pan before adding eggs. I have mint and basil that I’ve been growing for a couple months so it’s safe to add to finished dishes.
I’m not. Though I do not typically eat bagged salads. But I am still eating berries.
Yes. I respond to news about food appropriately.
I’m not. My state’s case load is actually a little below a regular year (and I trust my state level, independent public health dept). And I like fresh fruit in the summer. To me, the chance of getting sick is small, the consequences manageable (unpleasant sure, but I’m extremely unlikely to die), and very inline with other ordinary risks I take every day in order to enjoy the things I like. I also lick the cake beater.
But if you need to be more careful, some summer-ey feeling things could be:
-Pie/compote for berries. Or if you want something cold, icecream or popsicles (recipes often call for cooking down the fruit to concentrate the flavor).
– If you don’t mind turning on the oven, summer vegetable galette (corn, tomatoes, zucchini type things) always feels summery to me. Or puff pastry with a little cheese and roasted cherry tomatoes
Melon – anything with a hard rind you could actually wash with soap/diluted bleach before cutting into seems like it’d be pretty safe
I like minestrone type soups in summer (tomato and carrot based vegetable broth, tons of cooked summer squash and green beans, optional lima beans, lots of parsley and parmesan; I’ll eat the leftovers cold).
Costco has a big bag of grilled vegetables that is easy to reheat in the oven (though they’re overpriced given how much of the mix is red onion, so you may want to just make your own).
Chinese cuisine often cooks vegetables that western cuisine might eat raw (like celery, cucumbers, and radish). They’re still crunchy and bright and summery to me.
When we lived overseas we put all produce in a dilute bleach bath. Would that work with this?
No.
We’re not totally nixing produce, but consciously switching to easier-to-wash things (cucumbers vs. broccoli, blueberries vs. raspberries) or whole fruits with an exterior shell (banana, pineapple, melon) and cutting ourselves whereas normally we buy pre-cut. And washing with soap and water instead of just a water rinse. For now we’re nixing salad greens because we really hate washing those and always buy the containers or bagged mixes. It feels like so far with just those precautions, that actually still leaves a lot – watermelon feta olive salads, tons of different roasted veggies, grilled veggie kabobs.
How did you learn to decline work when you weren’t asked, but assigned? Sr. litigation associate, my preferred specialty area has plenty of work for me and has assured me I won’t face repercussions for saying no to other work. I believe them. When I’m asked if I have time, I say no. But lots of partners just assign work and don’t ask me first. How do I decline it? Chat gpt says offer to help them find someone to do it but that feels even harder. I don’t have a junior who reports to me. Anyone have an email script or two that would work?
You tell them you don’t have capacity to do X task until X date (so far out that they find someone else). If they get really pushy then give a high level list of what you’re already working on and then they will back off.
This, but also a careful name drop can be helpful here. Ideally you don’t have to get the partners involved, but there can be some benefit to being able to say “I’m going to be fully utilized on a summary judgment brief for Jane that’s due on the 25th, so realistically I wouldn’t be able to start this project until after that.” Assuming that Jane would agree and have your back here, and be willing to tell other partner to back off.
Curious about the responses from people in work similar to yours. I know in my line of work there is no “saying no” to Executive assignments.
Same. Like saying no really isn’t an option.
At some point if you’re senior enough your job is still to prioritize. I’m not sure where this role is in terms of law firms though.
This might be a terrible idea: email them back, cc-ing a junior or midlevel associate or two whose area is closer to the work being assigned, say that you don’t have time, and asking if they can complete.
“Great! I’m working on X for Partner A and will start on YourProject at X date”. It’s awkward the first couple times but realistically that’s all you can do.
Who was the person who assured you that you won’t face repercussions for saying no to other work? Can that person tell you HOW to say no, in your company, and to those particular people?
Can you loop in the partner you are working for as well? That way non-group partner can go to preferred group partner to complain instead of you.
Couple things come to mind. First, double check with the assigning partner if they want you to actually do the work or be responsible for it (e.g., delegate to a jr, review their work). Second, if it is a lot of people that you don’t normally work with and you are in a specialized niche, talk to you mentor. My money is that some powers that be are trying to get you in front of more people to build the case for partnership. In that case, you need to manage carefully, and likely take on the work. Finally, as someone that’s had to change my practice a few times, I always take projects outside my general area because you never know when you need to pivot. A good chunk of my career came from helping out on one random small project.
What’s your system for keeping track of work you’ve delegated to others? Do you have a separate to-do list, calendar system, both? My team has grown and I now have 6-8 people who regularly complete work for me, and the completion rate is not great – mostly my fault as I’m not keeping track well. I need a system!
I use planner now but I have used a spreadsheet or paper in the past. I have a ‘waiting on’ column for every direct report and also my boss. I glance at it when I do my to dos and follow up accordingly. If there is a date something is due I write it there. If you have copilot and you email requests to people you can also ask it for things you are waiting for. If this is your environment you could also do a spreadsheet and make everyone’s tasks visible but that’s not for every situation.
A project management tool like Asana can be great for this.
In absence of that: notebook, OneNote, calendar reminders.
All tasks are documented by email. I have the emails scheduled to return to my inbox at 8 am on whatever day I want to follow up. I skim the list and follow up as part of my morning coffee.
Gmail makes this easy. All other systems don’t work for me, because they get out of date quickly or don’t contain the relevant details.
Trello is really good for this. I have a board that includes a column for each person on my team, and I add their assignments to that so I can remember to follow up. I think the reason why this works is because we also use Trello for our team, so it’s all contained in one system and I can copy/paste from board to board.
Use a tracking system like Asana or Monday or whatever you like
Trying to figure out best option to address some leg pain (knee, hip, ankle) that has cropped up in one leg while walking. Could see a sports doc, go directly to a physical therapist/exercise physiologist, or chiropractor. I don’t think the chiropractor is right for this – but does it make more sense to start with doc to rule out anything serious, and likely get a referral to PT, or just self-refer (which we can do here), and avoid the time and expense of the doc visit? WWYD?
To me it wouldn’t just be ruling out something serious, but figuring out where the issue arose. Is it a foot issue? A hip issue? I wouldn’t know.
I have had this and go straight to PT
I’m looking for advice on a situation with my husband. For context, our marriage isn’t great and I’m trying really hard to make this work for several reasons that I don’t want to get into. I feel like we have a good division of labor and he’s an involved dad to our 3 year old.
However, he has an anger problem which has created a lot of issues. In addition to that, for the past year or two, I’ve felt that he doesn’t like being around me and he tends to make fun of me, make sniping comments about my job, or mansplain to me in a way he hasn’t before. We’ve talked about this several times, it improves for a day, then it gets worse again.
Twice in the past week, he’s brought up that it really bothers him that we don’t watch TV or movies together anymore and that I don’t want to stay up watching things with him. Once our daughter goes down around 8, I have about an hour of free time that I’d rather spend reading or listening to a calming podcast, then I go to bed early so I can be up at 5 to hit the gym and be back before she wakes up. He’d prefer I stay up on the couch with him drinking and watching shows. He says we used to like the same things. To be fair: I’ve stopped drinking during the week bc it affected my body and mental state so much, and my tolerance for violence and anything that gets me riled up for no reason (think: cable news) is basically zero since having a kid. I do not want to spend my one hour of free time a day watching MS Now, The Pitt, or sportsball. I also prefer to go to bed early and not drink during the week.
He’s brought this up twice in under a week and I remember an ex BF had a similar complaint about me, that I didn’t want to watch long movies or spend nights in front of the TV. That’s why I’m thinking this may be a me issue and I could use advice on how to compromise here.
There is no compromise having a drink every day is incredibly unhealthy and your health is more important than his comfort full stop. Don’t listen to anyone who says one drink at the end of the day is normal or healthy, science has repeatedly shown it’s not.
As a person who unapologetically likes to drink wine I will say that I don’t think people with anger issues should be drinking. At all. Full stop. It’s the absolute last thing they need.
It’s also not healthy to have substance dependent relationships!
Would it make sense to explore doing something you both enjoy on the weekends? And maybe doing something neutral / earlier during the week (going on a walk after dinner as a family)?
FWIW, if my spouse had an exercise routine that took more time than we jointly spent together during the week, that might be something I see as a priority problem. Spouse and I have our own solo hobbies but they are not giant time eaters and still allow for us to do some easy joint activities (walking) so that we are not always choosing something that creates apart-ness. I feel that having a balance is important.
She gets up at 5 and is back before her kid wakes up – I doubt her husband is even awake by then.
This is a difficulty I have with my husband as well. It’s unwinding together, and he has a total right to complain about it. But I get where you are coming from. Spending time a part like this limits natural bonding, and can lead to snippiness.
Can he get up at 5 a.m. to work out with you? That might queue his own earlier bedtime.
*Cue? (the machine is telling me that I’m posting too quickly, but it’s because I’m trying to fix a maybe typo!)
I have a similar situation (young kids, I work out in AM, try to be in bed earlier, husband really value unwind time together in the evening). Just for perspective, my husband voices his preference that he wishes I stayed up later every evening but totally understands the situation and doesn’t make it a big deal. I also stay up later on the weekends than I really prefer to so we get some of that time together and have gotten better about proactively suggesting a movie I want to watch on those evenings and making sure we start it relatively more early than he would so we get through it. I’ve also been more cognizant to read e.g., on the couch instead of in bed, and letting him know that’s my plan so he can do work next to me or something.
I’m sorry – this is definitely not a YOU problem. This is a man not wanting to grow up and recognize that your routine needs to look different as you age and your lives change. If you slept in later he’d still probably just be grumping at you for taking time for exercise. I believe you that you say you want to make this work so I think get yourself to therapy but no this is not in any way your fault – life with a 3 year old is tough and your wife is not your emotional support animal.
I’m going to answer the practical side and not get into the relationship questions because you started with the baseline that the marriage isn’t great and I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for here. I also have a young child and after bedtime, all I want to do is read a book for 20-30 minutes and then start getting ready for bed. Fortunately my husband generally feels the same way, so it’s not a point of conflict, but it does mean that we aren’t really spending time together on weekdays…so we make weekends different and consciously treat the post-bedtime time on weekends as an at-home date night which often does include watching a show together (selected together for something that we both like, definitely not news or ESPN). Would something like that be an appealing compromise?
I relate to this. Our TV consumption (which was light before – half an hour of Friends reruns or similar while eating) went to zero after having a kid and we’re both more inclined to want alone time after the demands of toddler parenting all day. If I were you, I’d suggest watching a movie (you pick so it’s not something stressful) on a Friday or Saturday night. Even one occasion of togetherness after a long break from it can help the feeling. As for his sniping and mansplaining, no advice there but just here to say that’s not OK.
Can you agree to one night of tv with him to start out with? Like Tuesdays are your designated tv night. And maybe you can find a comedy / light hearted show or movie to watch? At least then you wouldn’t be shutting him down completely, but you also would not be spending every night watching tv.
I also do not care to veg in front of the tv at night, so I totally get it.
This might work. It can’t be something I select, we’ve tried this over and over including this past Saturday, and he just makes noises or jokes about the show until it’s over. It needs to be something he enjoys, but I could agree to spending an hour a week watching TV with him if I know that’s all I have to do.
Gosh that sounds so bad but really, this is not appealing to me at all. I’m also maxed out on sportsball after us going to the beach last month and having my mom as an enthusiastic babysitter, and him just wanting to go to sports bars and having us watch the basketball or hockey championships. I enjoy watching sports a little but not that much. Probably the same as me forcing him to the gym at 5am would be for him.
So when you join him in an activity he wants to do, he belittles you?
He doesn’t like you, he drinks too much, and he has anger issues. Why do you want to make this work?
Just read your note below about his violence. This is past the point of no return and you need to make an exit plan. You deserve better than this.
I think it’s important that you guys find things to do together and keep your relationship a priority, too. If you don’t want to watch the news or violent shows, could you find a show that you both could find enjoyable and spend that hour watching something together? If not, could you read on the couch next to your husband while he watches tv and you could occasionally chat with him during commercials? Or a fun co-op video game for an hour together (solving puzzles, no violence). I think one of the reasons that marriages fail is that couples can sometimes live separate lives within their marriage and lose the common ground that makes them feel like lovers rather than roommates/partners. The positive things you mentioned about your husband is that he takes care of the kid and shares in chores, but what about the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place? I think he’s got some real concerns if there’s no time left for him in the marriage, between being parents and your workout regime, so I think you may need to put a little effort into spending time one on one with him and refinding some shared mutual interests.
He really does need to take responsibility for the anger problem. This is one of the things that therapy actually works pretty consistently for. (Also I hate it when this goes unaddressed until it’s a problem at work and then it gets handled. He should handle it before then!)
We currently drink hop water or mocktails while watching shows. We’ve gone through spells of just reading together, or enjoying our own separate relaxation, but it honestly does seem to be healthy for us if we can enjoy something together. But I think since he’s the one who wants to watch shows together, he needs to be up for watching what you want to watch! When I wasn’t up for violent shows, we watched things like Anne of Green Gables; it’s okay.
We’ve tried therapy several times and the anger issue is one he won’t touch, and when I’ve brought it up, he gets really angry with me outside of the session and denies what he’s done to the therapist (think: violence towards me, destroyed property).
Um, with this update it’s an entirely different ball game. If he’s violent towards you and then lies about it, then no, a night of TV isn’t going to do anything. Do you have an exit strategy planned when/if you need it?
Violence towards you is a divorce now situation, not a Sportscenter vs New Girl situation.
It is very reasonable for him to want more time with you relaxing together, and it is very reasonable for you to not want that time to involve drinking or the tv.
This is why old married couples love jigsaw puzzles and Uno. Tell him he can drink while you jigsaw, but you’ll skip that because of the gym in the morning.
You don’t want to spend time with him cause he has anger issues. Why stay married
This is probably unpopular, but I think your 9 pm bedtime and 5 am workout is bad for your marriage. You said you only have one hour of free time a day. But that’s not really true, your workout is free time too. A couple of options:
1. Keep your 9 pm bedtime but pick a show that you both can tolerate. Maybe that’s a nature show or how it works or forged in fire or something you wouldn’t normally watch but doesn’t get you riled up. I’m guessing you’ve already tried this option, though.
2. Find more ways to connect on the weekends. Have date nights. Again, I’m guessing you’re trying this but it’s not really addressing his complaint.
3. Go to bed at 10 pm. Watch an hour of something he likes and you get your hour of wind down time. Either push back your workout or truncate it so you get up at 6 am. Or, sleep less (I know….).
4. Exercise together at night after toddler bedtime. If you have space, maybe you get side by side treadmills so you can take a walk together at night.
5. Consider doing what he wants 1-2 nights a week. Maybe Friday is your movie night? And at least one or two other weekdays a month?
Fwiw I’m like you, I love working out in the morning and I love sleep. I’m in bed at 9 pm. I don’t do well with different bedtime/wake times all week. I do best with a stringent routine; when I’m off my routine the whole thing falls apart.
I stopped going to the gym and got a peloton and the app so I can workout at home. That saves almost an hour of morning time because I don’t have to travel to/from the gym (idk why getting out the door is such a time consuming ordeal). I also don’t drink at night but I’ll put some lime and mint in water; it gets me into the kitchen with him when he’s making his drink, so he feels like we’re making drinks and drinking together even though I’m just drinking water.
And as someone who tends to be rigid, I just want to reassure you that it’s ok to try something different for a while. You have a routine that you like, you can always go back to it. A change doesn’t have to be forever.
this is not a you problem at all. however, it sounds like he feels like watching shows together is something that bonded you previously and now doesn’t? what kinds of shows did you used to like to watch together? can you compromise and spend half hour together and have half hour solo? or two nights a week where you do something together and two nights where you do solo? and for whatever that something is, can you try to find a show or movie that appeals to both of you? i could never really drink during the week. do you have to drink alcohol together, can he have a beer while you have tea or whatever? i actually do unwind by watching shows like the Pitt, but everyone is different! my DH and I are also struggling to find shows we both want to watch together, whereas that used to not be a problem.
Does anyone use Duet to add a second monitor to your laptop or have a KYY travel monitor or like?
I have just been diagnosed with POTS. Any recommendations regarding:
– What kinds of doctors to bring onto my care team?
– Electrolyte packets you like or dislike and why?
– Compression recommendations?
– Other tips for someone learning to live with POTS?
I would want to see a relevant neurologist (an autonomic subspecialist neurologist) who will test for all the underlying conditions that can cause neuropathic POTS (and who is aware of false negative rates; I tested negative on first line testing for the condition I really had and suffered with POTS for years when I could have been treated all along if they’d tested more thoroughly! I no longer test as having POTS at all on treatment). Neurologists also offer different meds from cardiologists (like adding benfotiamine to those electrolytes, or offering Mestinon at all).
Briteleafs is the cheapest medical grade full length compression I know (not the softest; donning gear is required). Full length isn’t always necessary; really good shapewear can make a huge difference and is more comfortable in summer and easier to get on and off.
I found cartons of broth helpful beyond electrolyte packets. Time release magnesium was also helpful.