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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Short-Sleeve Belted Cotton A-Line Midi Dress

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A woman (head cropped out) wearing a green belted dress and dark bronze heels

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

A few years ago, it was a struggle to find work-appropriate A-line looks, but I’m delighted to report this is no longer an issue. This short-sleeve dress from Carolina Herrera is one of the best I’ve seen this season. The built-in belt gives it a gorgeous shape, and the dark green color is going to be beautiful in any season.

I rarely wear heels, but I think this look calls for a truly fabulous shoe, like these tortoiseshell patent leather pumps from Stuart Weitzman. Add some gold jewelry and you’ve got a simple, chic look for any occasion. 

The dress is $2,490 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes 0-20. 

A few more affordable options are at Nordstrom, from Eliza J (0-16, $148), Halogen (XXS-XXL, $78.99 during the NAS), and Jessica London (plus sizes 16-28, $86).

Sales of note for 8/7:

272 Comments

  1. Does anyone have a good stretching/mobility program to share? I’m good at getting my strength and cardio in but I never ever work on my mobility and flexibility and as I get older I notice it a lot in the form of tight shoulders and hamstrings, muscle cramps, etc.
    What I’d love is a follow along video series or app that could take me through a series of stretching exercises every day for maybe 20 minutes that I don’t have to think about, just pop on the app or video and go. I would appreciate any ideas or recommendations!

    1. Fitness Blender. I use a lot of their workout programs for strength/cardio and I believe they have some programs geared towards mobility, stretching, etc. They have a lot of free workout videos, but I also pay for their Plus option and it’s not that expensive. You can also buy a pass instead of a full year membership.

      1. I use the free tier. They have several stretching videos of various lengths that are perfect for me.

      1. Also really like Yogini Melbourne, she’s a bit less chatty, more my vibe.

    3. I’m a Peloton homer and like their stretching and mobility classes on the app (you don’t have to own their equipment). If you have a friend who has a full Peloton membership because they have a bike, tread, or row, they can give you either a 60-day free trial on the app or just add you as a user on their account and you can access the app for free, which I do for a friend.

    5. Coach John Noel has some very basic ones as well as some more advanced ones (I only know the free tier social media content options).

    7. i really love restorative yoga for stretching — downdog yoga (or whatever it’s called now, the icon is a white dog against a blue background) is the bomb

    8. I follow @AdamRichardson on Instagram for his mobility stuff. It’s mostly quick little snippets of movement that I can add into my day to counteract life at a desk.

  2. Interview attire advice – am at the ‘meet the team’ phase of an interview process for a gig I really want. Law firm, generally more conservative attire.

    Obviously, it’s scheduled for a day with high 90’s and I need something that works for ‘a couple blocks outside’ as well as conference room with ac. I’ve had a few meetings with this group – coincidentally all on very hot days – so my remaining options are:

    White linen suit – wide legged pants, more casual blazer. Very comfortable but I’m afraid it’s too much white…

    Suiting dress (black), tropical wool blazer for indoors only (camel)

      1. If it’s a meet the team thing and theyre walking to lunch OP would make a very bad impression ubering

      2. Op here – it’s not only walking to the office (which I could 100% uber) but it would be a walk with potential coworkers/managers so I’m making sure I’m ready for a walk.

      3. I’d go with option 2 and any other blazer regardless of whether they’ve seen it before or not. I also think you’re fine to rewear another suit if you swap out the blouse or whatever.

        good luck on the interview!

    2. How about black suiting dress (I’m assuming it’s sleeveless or at least short sleeve?) with the white linen blazer? I would totally remove the jacket for the 2-block walk.

      1. Op here, The proportions don’t work – the dress is tailored and the blazer is relaxed so somehow it looks like a lab coat….

        That was my plan but when I tried it on it didn’t work…

        1. How about the white linen pants with camel blazer? Maybe a black shell underneath? Again, you could remove blazer while walking with the team, I don’t think anyone would bat an eye.

    3. Maybe not the exactly right answer: if you have a good shot at getting this job, and the level of dress is normally conservative anyway, why not get a new beige linen suit for the interview?

      1. I’d get something new that feels right too. Completely agree with this suggestion.

        1. Oh good. :)

          Despite frequenting a fashion blog, I don’t like the idea of buying a specific interview suit “just because.” However, if it is filling a genuine closet hole that will need filling anyway, it might be the right move.

        2. I got one for the first interview, actually! So that is not a crazy idea and I already got one.

    4. Can’t you rewear something you already wore, with a change of accessories? No one cares if you rewear, and that’s assuming they even notice. I love camel and black together but it won’t look suitish.

      White linen has too many pitfalls – potential for stains or unexpectedly see-through depending on the light.

      1. I already have worn the beige linen suit and then the blazer over a dress for another meeting here… it’s actually been comical how my interviews have lined up with the hottest days we’ve had.

        1. Also, thank you guys for talking this through with me… I want this and it feels like this is my last ‘hurdle’ so I’m overthinking.

          I was feeling good about suiting dress with a white blazer but… then the proportions were just.. off.

          1. if you already bought something for an earlier round, i think it’s ok to wear it again. different shell and/or shoes and accessories. i expect no one will notice and if they do so what.

    5. As a lawyer in Houston… black dress. Won’t show the sweat, and take off the jacket for the walk. And, honestly, if the place can’t handle bar arms on a walk in 90F, then that’s probably not somewhere you want to work. Skip the linen – never wears well unless you heavily starch it so that it can almost stand up on it’s own. Theory’s admiral crepe fabric works well for summer. Otherwise, the unsung hero for conservative dressing and walking outside is seersucker.

  3. I accidentally PC’d myself into missing something very obvious. My friend is super into wine culture, last month we went out to get drinks, she got a mocktail with me (in my brain I was like oh maybe she’s finally tackling her bad relationship with alcohol, maybe I’m a good influence, I won’t comment on it.) Nope just pregnant, hahaha.

    1. Honestly, you never know :-D I did something similar in my mid-30s, tackled my relationship, and everyone thought I might be pregnant!

    2. I’m in my mid-30s and wasn’t drinking for a few days because of some IBS issues – it could be anything really, and mocktails are becoming more popular!

    3. I wouldn’t think that this is obvious, and it is difficult when you’re married and people start reading “pregnancy” into *everything.*

      “She’s not drinking coffee! Bun in the oven!”

      “Oh, a trip out to see the parents! Snicker!”

      Maybe she was sick. Maybe the heat was getting to her. Maybe she’s not going to be the only one drinking. Maybe she got a DUI and is playing it safe.

      1. +1. As someone who’s early in pregnancy it’s so frustrating when people ask why I’m not drinking or eating certain foods. I was carrying an item that blocked my still-flat stomach and someone asked “You’re covering your stomach, are you trying to hide that you’re pregnant?” I’m sure your friend appreciated that you didn’t draw attention to her drink order!

        1. I wore a scarf in the middle of winter and got accused of “hiding a secret pregnancy.” The gross turn of phrase aside, WTF?

    4. What’s your point here? PC is bad? This little anecdote is telling on you more than your friend.

    5. I think it’s just basic politeness not to openly speculate if someone is pregnant or why they’re not drinking. They’ll tell you if/when they want.

  4. Dumb problem of the day – I lost the belt to a robe. But it’s a Turkish towel fabric, very lightweight, so I don’t think a regular terry robe sash will fit. Wwyd? I am not crafty or handy at all. I’m sure there’s some $2 fix here that I’m just not seeing?

    1. Cording trim by the yard from Michaels? Cordage from Home Depot by the foot? Woven rope belt? Karate white belt obtained from Facebook marketplace? All wild ideas, not sure any appeal to you!

    3. Wide grosgrain ribbon in a coordinating shade. If you’re not handy at all, cut they ends with pinking shears, but if you can hem the ends they’ll last longer. Or use Stop Fraying (it’s like a glue) to finish the ends.

  5. My husband has depression manifesting as extreme negativity and irritability towards us and extreme sadness about life circumstances within himself. He is not currently on medication but doesn’t have high hopes for improvement based on past experience. I’m pushing for it anyway and I think he will try it again. His irritability is ruining my day every day, in part because it reminds me of the toxic household I grew up in and that I swore I would never be part of again. I cannot and will not tolerate walking on eggshells, explosions over stupid things, and the like. It’s my bright line, and I’ve told him a million times over the years that a warm, happy household is my priority number one (and to readers, it’s ok if that’s not YOUR priority number one). I now grieve for what we used to have. My question is this – how do I enforce this boundary/need without increasing the shame of someone who is at risk of thinking we’ll be better off without him? I obviously can’t say “you’re ruining our marriage and household,” and I know that depression is very, very real and not something he can just flip a switch on. I already get out of the house and do my own thing as much as is practical, so I can no longer avoid addressing the source. How do I do this?

    1. Oh, I meant to add that if I ever say anything specific, like “it’s not ok to snap at me for ___” he’ll say “I know” (genuinely) but that’s the end of the conversation. I have to drag anything else out of him and I’m too exhausted to keep doing that.

      1. I hate this! If you know, commit to the fix then. So tired of the people in my house snapping exactly this back when I am tired of getting snapped at.

    2. have you tried couples therapy? Seems like a third party might help you guys figure out how to talk about and work with this dynamic.

      1. We haven’t tried it but I do think either that or therapy for me needs to be next. For nearly 20 years, we had such a strong relationship that there was never any need – truly. I had the warm household, we got along great every day, very rarely had any tension. It’s all a different story with depression. He had it (well managed) when we met but it’s gotten dramatically worse in the last two years, in part due to election and job stress (DOGE cuts, AI replacement) and in part due to becoming parents and the stress that entails.

        Would people generally recommend couples vs. individual counseling as the first line? I would rather try one thing at a time, I think, to better identify what is most or least helpful.

        1. If you’re talking about individual therapy for you, it seems to me you should try couples therapy first, and then individual if you want help with what’s coming up in couples therapy. If you’re talking about for him, it seems like individual first is the answer, mostly because if he has serious depression this can be part of the treatment for it.

        2. I get it, but these are very real things that I think a lot of Americans are very stressed about.

          1. This is true, but also there are people in worse political and economic situations all over the world whose mental health is better. So it makes sense to me to set the goal of handling the stress better.

          2. Yeah, I know, I’m stressed too, but it’s not made less stressful by him snapping at me because I broke a mug and “everything is so expensive now” (we can afford an effing replacement mug, you know?).

    3. This would be harder if he’d tried everything, but right now this sounds under managed. If the meds really don’t work, he can and should still be in therapy at a minimum, surely?

      I also always think it’s appropriate to get a more thorough medical work up if first line treatment for a psych diagnosis failed; there are just too many easily missed medical conditions that can cause depression symptoms that will resist treatment until the underlying condition is addressed. But it’s also reasonable to try another med that works differently.

      1. Yes, I am concerned – is he being followed closely by a psychiatrist? A therapist? It is common for someone with lifelong depression (sounds like he has) to have to try multiple meds to find stability, in combination with therapy.

    4. This sounds like couples counseling or counseling for you. And I don’t say that flippantly. It sounds like you’re very clear on what you need but not clear on how (eg, you know your boundary, but short of leaving, how do you maintain it?). That’s a question of gathering scripts and strategies.

      1. +1

        It can help to know how to find this kind of counseling. Near me, therapists with scripts and strategies occasionally offer “skills workshops” that can help you find someone you want to continue with.

      2. Yeah. I usually have no tolerance for bright red lines or warm happy households at the expense of reality, but the OP message sounded very clear and I have respect for what was written. Her own therapy for doing her part and making her plans should be useful here.

    5. Im sorry. I feel like a dinosaur. I know depression is real. But at some point don’t grown ups have to not act like jerks to their loved ones? Like I get that he can’t be cheerful but really we can’t expect people with depression to be pleasant or even neutral for extended periods of time? I feel like I’d have an easier time understanding him not getting out of bed than walking around “exploding” on you. Truly, we’re supposed to believe he can’t control his horrible behavior at all? It sounds more like he’s a jerk than a depressed man.

      1. I know you come from a place of sometimes we all are grumpy and need to suck it up so why can’t he, but when you get into clinical depression, it’s really not comparable. You wouldn’t tell a deaf person that they just need to listen more attentively.

        1. I would hesitate to Dx people, but as the person snapping at others (while having a lot of crap dumped on me), it is exhausting. I get that other people are exhausted also, but it is no way to live in a house when everyone gets to dump on the mom/wife/sibling/DIL. These people often know that they’d never act like this except in the home.

          1. I was going with the OP who asserted depression. I agree with you that one person’s depression shouldn’t be an excuse to drag down the whole family. Was just responding to the ‘just stop being a jerk’ poster – it’s not an attitude problem, it needs treatment.

        2. I appreciate the deaf analogy and I truly want to try to understand but i don’t. I guess having chronic condition that makes you physically incapable of not acting like a jerk well…that makes you a jerk to me. It’s not like he’s recognizing his disease and trying. If he wasn’t privileged enough to have the benefit of a diagnosis he’d just be what our parents called a jerk and they’re be less hand wringing about leaving him. Hugs op. There would be a me- shaped hole in the wall if my husband was constantly “exploding.”

          1. You seem like someone not sympathetic to actual illness. I’m not actually sure how to digest your comment except to thank the heavens you aren’t a person in my life.

          2. If you really can’t behave around others, then it is your responsibility as an adult to remove yourself from the situation. There are plenty of people out there that are willing to make allowances for mental health, no conversation needed, others are willing to make allowances with a discussion about what is and is not acceptable. But to just say “I’m sick” and not even make an effort to be kind? Diagnosable or not, no one is required to put up with that behavior. I say this as someone who has a lot of mental illness in their family and personal experience with mental illness.

      2. Well, many (most?) people show their deepest, darkest, weakest side to those closest to us.

    6. This was my husband. Awareness of an issue but no action taken to resolve issues, or not taking actions to resolve seriously. We did couples counseling which did not help. I couldn’t take the home environment any more, especially for my kids, so I had to divorce him. Living like that for many years, the damage was already done to our kids (manifesting in anxiety and depression for both of them). Divorce was the last thing I wanted to do, but at least I am now walking on eggshells anymore or tense up when something upsets him.

        2. I grew up in a household like this and I assure you the environment absolutely has an impact. Depression and anxiety can have genetic components but it is by no means inevitable and environment absolutely plays a role.

      2. Same. My first husband was a lovely man, but he couldn’t or wouldn’t manage his depression/anxiety (and to be fair, this was many years ago when way fewer treatments were available) and I ultimately ended up leaving. He actually seemed to do better on his own without the stress of trying to be a husband and full time father. And we were good co-parents and reasonably good friends until he passed away a couple of years ago.

    7. I understand your situation. My husband has a chronic condition that causes him pain and limits his mobility. I’m sure he is depressed. He refuses all treatment. After years of this, I am at the point where I have realized that it’s not my job to make his medical decisions for him- and I can’t if I wanted to anyway. So I ignore the whining, etc when he is cranky and I do not offer unsolicited suggestions. I offer my assistance if he asks for help, but beyond that I am hands off in terms of his care. An online support group for people in similar situations has been very helpful for me. I realize that this approach sounds mean, but it’s the only way I can cope with a very tough situation. You don’t need couples counseling. The problem is with him, not you.

      1. I agree with this approach. Sometimes the answer is acceptance, and finding support for yourself elsewhere.

        Also, try to be aware of how much your communication comes across as criticism to your spouse. Are you adding to the negative atmosphere inadvertently? Negative energy doesn’t just end with one person usually. Sometimes we become like the thing we detest when we try to resist it.

        1. OP here and that’s the other thing – I’m now totally adding to the negative atmosphere because when he is irritable out of nowhere or starts spiraling about something minor, I shut down and stop being supportive. Whereas I used to be patient and understanding, now I find myself internally going “FFS, again?” or “Jesus, are we really melting down over ___?” and it’s certainly coming across on my face or in my edginess when I respond. I don’t want to be like this – I didn’t use to be. I’m debating whether the couples counseling or individual would be most helpful here.

          1. I totally get it. It’s so hard to absorb the negative energy without reflecting it back or amplifying it. Sometimes when my husband is testy, I go for a quick walk instead of engaging. This allows me to clear my head and let go a bit, and I think it’s become a signal to him that I’m mad and he needs to adjust his behavior without me having to say a word. Just one tactic. I hope things get better for you both. The fact that you’ve had 18 years of a happy marriage is amazing. I don’t think most couples can say that. I believe if you have a solid foundation, these hard times don’t have to define you over the long term.

          2. Sometimes it helps just to have a signal (a signal that just neutrally indicates “you’re doing the thing we discussed”).

          3. Honestly, HE needs to be in individual counseling first and seeing a psychiatrist. It makes no sense to see a couples counselor when he needs to have his disease stabilized first. I agree that it can be extremely helpful on your end to see a therapist to help you with strategies on how to handle the situation.

    8. I feel like I could have written this post 4 years ago. At that time, I was searching for some magic words to somehow convince my husband to start taking antidepressants again. Spoiler: there are no magic words. The fact that I spent so much time planning for this type of conversation with him because I was walking on eggshells around him all the time. I don’t know how your husband is doing, but I should say mine was fired several times (in a much hotter economy) because he was impossible to work with.

      There are two books I recommend: “Depression Fallout” and “To Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay”. The point of the first one is that, while depression is a disease, if your spouse refuses to seek treatment and just inflicts the symptoms on you, he is not participating in the marriage, where both people promise to love and cherish each other. The point of the second one, broadly, is that while people regret divorce they also regret staying in a marriage.

      I’m definitely projecting my own experience onto you – but if my story feels familiar to you please take care of yourself, and know that you are not alone.

      1. This sounds like my story, although my ex H did take antidepressants and then quit them abruptly without telling anyone (causing him to have a full on breakdown while we were on vacation in Italy… fun times). At some point I just broke. We didn’t have kids so I realize it was easier but this was after years of me trying to support him through this and him blaming the depression for everything. Once I left him I started breathing again – I hadn’t realized how much of it I had internalized. I was a big believer in our wedding vows but at some point it was a question of survival. I’m very happily remarried and never regretted that decision.

    9. I feel like I could have written this post 4 years ago. At that time, I was searching for some magic words to somehow convince my husband to start taking antidepressants again. Spoiler: there are no magic words. The fact that I spent so much time planning for this type of conversation with him because I was walking on eggshells around him all the time. I don’t know how your husband is doing, but I should say mine was fired several times (in a much hotter economy) because he was impossible to work with.

      There are two books I recommend: “Depression Fallout” and “To Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay”. The point of the first one is that, while depression is a disease, if your spouse refuses to seek treatment and just inflicts the symptoms on you, he is not participating in the marriage, where both people promise to love and cherish each other. The point of the second one, broadly, is that while people regret divorce they also regret staying in a marriage.

      I’m definitely projecting my own experience onto you – but if my story feels familiar to you please take care of yourself, and know that you are not alone.

    10. it sounds like he did not have the right medication perhaps or the right dosage. yes medication resistant depression is a thing, but there are a lot of options out there. he needs a good psychiatriast

    11. By telling him that he needs to get therapy and on medication and that both of you need marriage therapy together because your marriage is not working for you and it is a crisis.

    12. I’m really sorry, this absolutely sucks and I agree with the others that it sounds undermanaged; I’d absolutely work with a doctor to try some better SSRIs or even Wellbutrin or whatever. That is probably the answer, unfortunately, but he needs to be willing to work with someone on that. Failing that, here are some more bizarre ideas…

      Does exercise help? Time in nature? More sleep? Better sleep? If you can look back to a “good day” recently, what happened and can you recreate that?

      Is he working? If he’s been DOGE’d and is still hunting then he’s got too much time for navel gazing too. Probably not helping the situation. Do you work outside the home? CAN you during this period?

      Can you create any rituals that cue both of you to get more relaxed? Lighting candles at dinner or stretching before bed?

      I’d also maybe change your ask – you are concerned about him and want him to take better care of himself; that’s the main goal of treatment and therapy – not your vibe for a warm cozy home, y’know? He’s not a throw blanket.

    13. Why stay? Why isn’t divorce an option? This isn’t the partner for you. Sounds like you and maybe others in your household would be happier living without this husband.

      1. Because we’ve been together nearly 20 years and nearly 18 of them were deliriously happy. I thought we had (and I hope we still do) an amazing foundation. We still have good days, too. I will never say never on divorce because as I said, I refuse to live in a walk on eggshells household, but I’m not ready to throw in the towel when his depression is untreated.

        1. I think you just need to dream together and come up with a new plan. Can you sell and move? Buy a business and get out of working for others? Problem solve together. Even the exercise of seeing you’re not stuck can help tremendously.

      2. Because presumably she loves him and is interested in him getting appropriate care. You could have parsed this out for yourself.

  6. I’ve been looking online for swimsuits, and really like the ones I am seeing from Modlily. I’m suspicious of how inexpensive they are, however, and the fact that I can’t tell where they are made or coming from. Any IRL experience?

    1. A friend was wearing one (tankini and shorts) this weekend. We all commented on how cute it was!

      I can’t speak from personal experience, but the fabric and fit appeared nice, and the quality appeared equivalent to department store brands from what I could tell.

  7. All my go to summer recipes are out due to cyclospora. What healthy, summery things are you making now?

        1. Flying a flag upside down is a distress signal. I always interpret an upside down smiley face as “I’m trying to be positive about the situation because what else can you do, but this is actually horrible.” I think that interpretation lines up here.

    2. Are people actually abstaining from fresh produce because of this? I’m not a huge fruit and veggie eater but I eat more in the summer and am not doing anything differently other than washing things a bit more carefully.

        1. Yes. Even when it’s not dangerous, it’s a bummer, especially if it takes a few rounds of getting sick before it’s over.

          It’s also the last thing anyone needs in this heat wave.

      2. I’m a little in denial. I’m also hoping it’s irrelevant to farmer’s market produce. I have a relevant immune deficiency though.

        1. I think farmer’s market produce is definitely safer, even if not perfectly safe. I’m near the center of the outbreak and most people I’ve heard of who got sick think they got it from lettuce, especially from fast food places. So I’m assuming a big farm that supplies lots of fast food restaurants is the source. I’m avoiding lettuce but otherwise eating normally.

          1. Yeah, as someone far away from the epicenter but in a state that has had cases, I’m trusting my local farm share produce, as well as anything cooked. But I am currently pregnant and have a lot going on personally and professionally, so I’m not gonna risk getting sick by eating a bagged salad or fast food burger.

        2. I have an immune deficiency and I’m not taking any precautions right now. We don’t know the source of the outbreak yet, I don’t live in a hotspot state, and I know myself – I’ll suffer mental health declines if I allow myself to get paranoid about a vague “it could be anywhere” threat. I will take action if a source is identified, though.

          1. Yes, having a reason to bother walking a block to the farmer’s market on Saturday morning isn’t a big deal to me; I definitely don’t want to worry or fret about it.

            It’s far from the only risk out there just because it’s the one in headlines.

      3. I got it from lettuce/basil a few weeks ago and it was awful, so I would recommend being careful. It triggered my usual minimal IBS as a bonus.

      4. Washing does not kill or remove the cyclospora! Only heating it to 158F will actually kill it.

        1. It’s not a silver bullet but it can lower the risk. People with healthy immune systems require a certain amount to get sick (flashbacks to Covid and all the ‘viral load’ stuff) and so removing some of it has value even if you don’t get all of it.

          1. Yes, it’s relative to immune strength. I think a lot of people’s immune systems aren’t what they used to be.

          2. Most people get sick if exposed (based on contact tracing when it’s been something like contaminated catering).

      7. Yes. More people than you realize have medical issues or can’t afford to come down with a major GI illness for whatever reason.

        I’m grilling vegetables, baking berry cobbler in the toaster oven, sautéing zucchini to make a lemony pasta, and cooking cherry tomatoes in a pan before adding eggs. I have mint and basil that I’ve been growing for a couple months so it’s safe to add to finished dishes.

      8. I’m not. Though I do not typically eat bagged salads. But I am still eating berries.

      10. I’m not. My state’s case load is actually a little below a regular year (and I trust my state level, independent public health dept). And I like fresh fruit in the summer. To me, the chance of getting sick is small, the consequences manageable (unpleasant sure, but I’m extremely unlikely to die), and very inline with other ordinary risks I take every day in order to enjoy the things I like. I also lick the cake beater.

        But if you need to be more careful, some summer-ey feeling things could be:
        -Pie/compote for berries. Or if you want something cold, icecream or popsicles (recipes often call for cooking down the fruit to concentrate the flavor).
        – If you don’t mind turning on the oven, summer vegetable galette (corn, tomatoes, zucchini type things) always feels summery to me. Or puff pastry with a little cheese and roasted cherry tomatoes
        Melon – anything with a hard rind you could actually wash with soap/diluted bleach before cutting into seems like it’d be pretty safe

      11. We’re being more careful. I have a toddler who “lives on berries,” but the reality is she eats a lot of other stuff too, so we’ll skip the raspberries and blueberries unless wepick them up from the local farmer stand. We’ve just had a hell of a run with a lot of run-of-the-mill-medical stuff in our house so far this year and this feels like a simple change to make that is hopefully short-term to avoid something potentially very unpleasant however, are we going to stop eating berries indefinitely? No… just going to take it week to week, but this week yes we skipped the berries and lettuce.

      12. Of course we aren’t. By the logic above, I would never eat meat I didn’t slaughter myself, pre-cut watermelon, or ceviche.

        1. I don’t buy pre-cut fruit and vegetables and I rarely buy fruit and produce from the grocery store. I pay more for my meat, too, in hopes that better sourcing truly means better conditions for the animals and workers and better health for me.

    3. I like minestrone type soups in summer (tomato and carrot based vegetable broth, tons of cooked summer squash and green beans, optional lima beans, lots of parsley and parmesan; I’ll eat the leftovers cold).

      Costco has a big bag of grilled vegetables that is easy to reheat in the oven (though they’re overpriced given how much of the mix is red onion, so you may want to just make your own).

      Chinese cuisine often cooks vegetables that western cuisine might eat raw (like celery, cucumbers, and radish). They’re still crunchy and bright and summery to me.

    4. When we lived overseas we put all produce in a dilute bleach bath. Would that work with this?

    5. We’re not totally nixing produce, but consciously switching to easier-to-wash things (cucumbers vs. broccoli, blueberries vs. raspberries) or whole fruits with an exterior shell (banana, pineapple, melon) and cutting ourselves whereas normally we buy pre-cut. And washing with soap and water instead of just a water rinse. For now we’re nixing salad greens because we really hate washing those and always buy the containers or bagged mixes. It feels like so far with just those precautions, that actually still leaves a lot – watermelon feta olive salads, tons of different roasted veggies, grilled veggie kabobs.

    6. I garden and luckily always have an overabundance of cherry tomatoes and basil this time of year, so lots of things with those (caprese, orzo salad, etc). We’re skipping bagged salad kits, which we usually have about once a week, but otherwise not doing much differently. I do a lot of roast veggies in the summer anyway just because most summer vegetables are great roasted in olive oil with a drizzle of balsamic at the end.

    7. How do you know if you’ve had it, short of unpleasant testing? I just had a stomach bug for about 4 days and, surprisingly, no one else in my family got it. I was the only one who ate baby carrots and raspberries.

      1. You don’t necessarily – there are plenty of GI bugs that present similarly, and if you’re otherwise healthy, it stand it doesn’t necessarily need medical care (obviously, you should seek care if you’re showing signs of dehydration). But toilet needs without a lot of vomiting, and getting better –> then relapsing can be a sign (but again, there are other food borne illnesses that follow this pattern)

    8. I know people here hate food prep but I grilled veggies yesterday and plan to eat a lot of cold grilled veggies this week. I also cooked a lot of berries down to add to yogurt and oatmeal. Non lettuce salads for the win.

  8. How did you learn to decline work when you weren’t asked, but assigned? Sr. litigation associate, my preferred specialty area has plenty of work for me and has assured me I won’t face repercussions for saying no to other work. I believe them. When I’m asked if I have time, I say no. But lots of partners just assign work and don’t ask me first. How do I decline it? Chat gpt says offer to help them find someone to do it but that feels even harder. I don’t have a junior who reports to me. Anyone have an email script or two that would work?

    1. You tell them you don’t have capacity to do X task until X date (so far out that they find someone else). If they get really pushy then give a high level list of what you’re already working on and then they will back off.

      1. This, but also a careful name drop can be helpful here. Ideally you don’t have to get the partners involved, but there can be some benefit to being able to say “I’m going to be fully utilized on a summary judgment brief for Jane that’s due on the 25th, so realistically I wouldn’t be able to start this project until after that.” Assuming that Jane would agree and have your back here, and be willing to tell other partner to back off.

    2. Curious about the responses from people in work similar to yours. I know in my line of work there is no “saying no” to Executive assignments.

      2. At some point if you’re senior enough your job is still to prioritize. I’m not sure where this role is in terms of law firms though.

      3. Depends on how executive the executive is, and whether the requester is in the same or different reporting chain as you. Part of my job *is* saying no to people who are senior to me (respectfully, productively, understanding the political nuances) in order to make sure the CEO’s *actual* priorities happen.

    3. This might be a terrible idea: email them back, cc-ing a junior or midlevel associate or two whose area is closer to the work being assigned, say that you don’t have time, and asking if they can complete.

    4. “Great! I’m working on X for Partner A and will start on YourProject at X date”. It’s awkward the first couple times but realistically that’s all you can do.

    5. Who was the person who assured you that you won’t face repercussions for saying no to other work? Can that person tell you HOW to say no, in your company, and to those particular people?

    6. Can you loop in the partner you are working for as well? That way non-group partner can go to preferred group partner to complain instead of you.

      1. This is the only way. You push back once, and if the assigning partner pushes back again, let the partners duke it out. Maybe the second assignment really is more pressing; either way, it’s up to them to decide who gets your time.

    7. Couple things come to mind. First, double check with the assigning partner if they want you to actually do the work or be responsible for it (e.g., delegate to a jr, review their work). Second, if it is a lot of people that you don’t normally work with and you are in a specialized niche, talk to you mentor. My money is that some powers that be are trying to get you in front of more people to build the case for partnership. In that case, you need to manage carefully, and likely take on the work. Finally, as someone that’s had to change my practice a few times, I always take projects outside my general area because you never know when you need to pivot. A good chunk of my career came from helping out on one random small project.

  9. What’s your system for keeping track of work you’ve delegated to others? Do you have a separate to-do list, calendar system, both? My team has grown and I now have 6-8 people who regularly complete work for me, and the completion rate is not great – mostly my fault as I’m not keeping track well. I need a system!

    1. I use planner now but I have used a spreadsheet or paper in the past. I have a ‘waiting on’ column for every direct report and also my boss. I glance at it when I do my to dos and follow up accordingly. If there is a date something is due I write it there. If you have copilot and you email requests to people you can also ask it for things you are waiting for. If this is your environment you could also do a spreadsheet and make everyone’s tasks visible but that’s not for every situation.

    2. A project management tool like Asana can be great for this.

      In absence of that: notebook, OneNote, calendar reminders.

    3. All tasks are documented by email. I have the emails scheduled to return to my inbox at 8 am on whatever day I want to follow up. I skim the list and follow up as part of my morning coffee.

      Gmail makes this easy. All other systems don’t work for me, because they get out of date quickly or don’t contain the relevant details.

    4. Trello is really good for this. I have a board that includes a column for each person on my team, and I add their assignments to that so I can remember to follow up. I think the reason why this works is because we also use Trello for our team, so it’s all contained in one system and I can copy/paste from board to board.

      1. Exactly. This helps not only you, but also your team. Everyone can see the assignment status live.

  10. Trying to figure out best option to address some leg pain (knee, hip, ankle) that has cropped up in one leg while walking. Could see a sports doc, go directly to a physical therapist/exercise physiologist, or chiropractor. I don’t think the chiropractor is right for this – but does it make more sense to start with doc to rule out anything serious, and likely get a referral to PT, or just self-refer (which we can do here), and avoid the time and expense of the doc visit? WWYD?

    1. To me it wouldn’t just be ruling out something serious, but figuring out where the issue arose. Is it a foot issue? A hip issue? I wouldn’t know.

    3. Go straight to a PT who has a relationship with an orthopaedic surgeon. That probably means one at a hospital or large clinic operation (eg that has surgery and sports medicine attached), rather than a standalone place.

      In my experience, some standalone PTs are good about referring out when they cannot fix the problem or they suspect larger issues; some are horrible.

    4. If you’re in the US, most insurance plans require a doctor to refer you to PT. If you have a primary care doctor, I’d start there. You may also need imaging, which also needs doctor’s orders.

    5. i’d proably go to a PT but a) first look at some charts of the areas online and familiarize yourself with the main body parts – it may help to say ok it’s the gluteus minimus and the illiac, definitely not the psoas or whatever. b) i forget what i’ve googled to find her but there’s a girl on tiktok who shows you fascia exercises/stretches that can help with knee pain, hip pain, etc. if it’s all connected it sounds like it’s fascia or something instead of a bone but that’s me.

      don’t ever go to a chiropractor lol.

  11. I’m looking for advice on a situation with my husband. For context, our marriage isn’t great and I’m trying really hard to make this work for several reasons that I don’t want to get into. I feel like we have a good division of labor and he’s an involved dad to our 3 year old.

    However, he has an anger problem which has created a lot of issues. In addition to that, for the past year or two, I’ve felt that he doesn’t like being around me and he tends to make fun of me, make sniping comments about my job, or mansplain to me in a way he hasn’t before. We’ve talked about this several times, it improves for a day, then it gets worse again.

    Twice in the past week, he’s brought up that it really bothers him that we don’t watch TV or movies together anymore and that I don’t want to stay up watching things with him. Once our daughter goes down around 8, I have about an hour of free time that I’d rather spend reading or listening to a calming podcast, then I go to bed early so I can be up at 5 to hit the gym and be back before she wakes up. He’d prefer I stay up on the couch with him drinking and watching shows. He says we used to like the same things. To be fair: I’ve stopped drinking during the week bc it affected my body and mental state so much, and my tolerance for violence and anything that gets me riled up for no reason (think: cable news) is basically zero since having a kid. I do not want to spend my one hour of free time a day watching MS Now, The Pitt, or sportsball. I also prefer to go to bed early and not drink during the week.

    He’s brought this up twice in under a week and I remember an ex BF had a similar complaint about me, that I didn’t want to watch long movies or spend nights in front of the TV. That’s why I’m thinking this may be a me issue and I could use advice on how to compromise here.

    1. There is no compromise having a drink every day is incredibly unhealthy and your health is more important than his comfort full stop. Don’t listen to anyone who says one drink at the end of the day is normal or healthy, science has repeatedly shown it’s not.

      1. As a person who unapologetically likes to drink wine I will say that I don’t think people with anger issues should be drinking. At all. Full stop. It’s the absolute last thing they need.

    2. Would it make sense to explore doing something you both enjoy on the weekends? And maybe doing something neutral / earlier during the week (going on a walk after dinner as a family)?

      FWIW, if my spouse had an exercise routine that took more time than we jointly spent together during the week, that might be something I see as a priority problem. Spouse and I have our own solo hobbies but they are not giant time eaters and still allow for us to do some easy joint activities (walking) so that we are not always choosing something that creates apart-ness. I feel that having a balance is important.

      1. She gets up at 5 and is back before her kid wakes up – I doubt her husband is even awake by then.

        1. Right, but one partner with a super-early wake time almost shifts one life into another time zone (going to bed earlier, powering down earlier, rising earlier, etc.).

          Benign example: one kid goes to a school with a 7:15 start time and one has a 9:15 start time. It’s only for one year, but some families do two or years depending on how their kids are spaced out. It is HARD. It means that the morning moves disjointedly and doesn’t get better. The dog gets walked somewhere between shifts. And if one partner travels or works late . . . it works poorly. We roll into the weekend tired and disconnected. It won’t be forever, but it’s not great and it spills over into the relationship.

    3. This is a difficulty I have with my husband as well. It’s unwinding together, and he has a total right to complain about it. But I get where you are coming from. Spending time a part like this limits natural bonding, and can lead to snippiness.

      Can he get up at 5 a.m. to work out with you? That might queue his own earlier bedtime.

      1. *Cue? (the machine is telling me that I’m posting too quickly, but it’s because I’m trying to fix a maybe typo!)

      2. I have a similar situation (young kids, I work out in AM, try to be in bed earlier, husband really value unwind time together in the evening). Just for perspective, my husband voices his preference that he wishes I stayed up later every evening but totally understands the situation and doesn’t make it a big deal. I also stay up later on the weekends than I really prefer to so we get some of that time together and have gotten better about proactively suggesting a movie I want to watch on those evenings and making sure we start it relatively more early than he would so we get through it. I’ve also been more cognizant to read e.g., on the couch instead of in bed, and letting him know that’s my plan so he can do work next to me or something.

      3. I have a similar problem with my husband. I try to make an effort to find a show for us to watch but we only do it every few weeks/months… depends what we have to watch but we generally like to binge it. But then we can talk about it or feel like we’re on the same page… and then the other weeks it’s less stressful if it’s just not happening.
        Also regular date nights and at least one small trip together a year. If you have a 3 year old you’re very much in the weeds; it’s really normal to have these kinds of problems when the kids are that age.

    4. I’m sorry – this is definitely not a YOU problem. This is a man not wanting to grow up and recognize that your routine needs to look different as you age and your lives change. If you slept in later he’d still probably just be grumping at you for taking time for exercise. I believe you that you say you want to make this work so I think get yourself to therapy but no this is not in any way your fault – life with a 3 year old is tough and your wife is not your emotional support animal.

      1. Updating my response based violence comment and denying too therapy. This is definitely not a you issue problem. Contact a domestic violence org or your family or a friend. Make your plan to exit. Watch stupid tv for that time if that makes it tolerable. So so so so so not okay especially with a child.

    5. I’m going to answer the practical side and not get into the relationship questions because you started with the baseline that the marriage isn’t great and I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for here. I also have a young child and after bedtime, all I want to do is read a book for 20-30 minutes and then start getting ready for bed. Fortunately my husband generally feels the same way, so it’s not a point of conflict, but it does mean that we aren’t really spending time together on weekdays…so we make weekends different and consciously treat the post-bedtime time on weekends as an at-home date night which often does include watching a show together (selected together for something that we both like, definitely not news or ESPN). Would something like that be an appealing compromise?

      1. 10:40 again, I just read your note below about the violence. I feel like I just have to say – please just do whatever you need to to stay safe and then leave safely.

    6. I relate to this. Our TV consumption (which was light before – half an hour of Friends reruns or similar while eating) went to zero after having a kid and we’re both more inclined to want alone time after the demands of toddler parenting all day. If I were you, I’d suggest watching a movie (you pick so it’s not something stressful) on a Friday or Saturday night. Even one occasion of togetherness after a long break from it can help the feeling. As for his sniping and mansplaining, no advice there but just here to say that’s not OK.

    7. Can you agree to one night of tv with him to start out with? Like Tuesdays are your designated tv night. And maybe you can find a comedy / light hearted show or movie to watch? At least then you wouldn’t be shutting him down completely, but you also would not be spending every night watching tv.

      I also do not care to veg in front of the tv at night, so I totally get it.

      1. This might work. It can’t be something I select, we’ve tried this over and over including this past Saturday, and he just makes noises or jokes about the show until it’s over. It needs to be something he enjoys, but I could agree to spending an hour a week watching TV with him if I know that’s all I have to do.

        Gosh that sounds so bad but really, this is not appealing to me at all. I’m also maxed out on sportsball after us going to the beach last month and having my mom as an enthusiastic babysitter, and him just wanting to go to sports bars and having us watch the basketball or hockey championships. I enjoy watching sports a little but not that much. Probably the same as me forcing him to the gym at 5am would be for him.

        1. So when you join him in an activity he wants to do, he belittles you?
          He doesn’t like you, he drinks too much, and he has anger issues. Why do you want to make this work?

          1. Just read your note below about his violence. This is past the point of no return and you need to make an exit plan. You deserve better than this.

          2. Because they have kids, shared history, and this is hopefully only temporary. It doesn’t take a wide stretch of imagination to figure that out.

          3. Couples struggling to balance time together to nurture their relationship with need for alone time w/small kids is very very normal. Guy pressuring you to drink more and destroying property when he’s angry is Not Normal.

        2. i’m sorry but F no. if he isn’t even trying to connect with you over a quiet dinner he’s not trying. the “noises and jokes” thing is also horrible, you really only need one toddler at a time.

      2. Yes, I think you should try to compromise by staying up with him (no need to drink) at least once a week. How many women on this board demand changes from their husbands, yet how few women are willing to compromise for their husbands? Show him that you care that he cares. Just one night a week won’t ruin your rhythm. You might have a better connection if you spend time together bonding.

    8. I think it’s important that you guys find things to do together and keep your relationship a priority, too. If you don’t want to watch the news or violent shows, could you find a show that you both could find enjoyable and spend that hour watching something together? If not, could you read on the couch next to your husband while he watches tv and you could occasionally chat with him during commercials? Or a fun co-op video game for an hour together (solving puzzles, no violence). I think one of the reasons that marriages fail is that couples can sometimes live separate lives within their marriage and lose the common ground that makes them feel like lovers rather than roommates/partners. The positive things you mentioned about your husband is that he takes care of the kid and shares in chores, but what about the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place? I think he’s got some real concerns if there’s no time left for him in the marriage, between being parents and your workout regime, so I think you may need to put a little effort into spending time one on one with him and refinding some shared mutual interests.

    9. He really does need to take responsibility for the anger problem. This is one of the things that therapy actually works pretty consistently for. (Also I hate it when this goes unaddressed until it’s a problem at work and then it gets handled. He should handle it before then!)

      We currently drink hop water or mocktails while watching shows. We’ve gone through spells of just reading together, or enjoying our own separate relaxation, but it honestly does seem to be healthy for us if we can enjoy something together. But I think since he’s the one who wants to watch shows together, he needs to be up for watching what you want to watch! When I wasn’t up for violent shows, we watched things like Anne of Green Gables; it’s okay.

      1. We’ve tried therapy several times and the anger issue is one he won’t touch, and when I’ve brought it up, he gets really angry with me outside of the session and denies what he’s done to the therapist (think: violence towards me, destroyed property).

        1. Um, with this update it’s an entirely different ball game. If he’s violent towards you and then lies about it, then no, a night of TV isn’t going to do anything. Do you have an exit strategy planned when/if you need it?

        2. Violence towards you is a divorce now situation, not a Sportscenter vs New Girl situation.

        3. Read “Why does he do that? inside the minds of angry and controlling men” (available as a free PDF if you google). Also I found the Gabby Petito documentary on Netflix moving and approachable in the way it covered domestic violence. Consider how he is choosing to exercise his anger and control issues in your marriage. Wishing you the best of luck.

        4. No wonder you don’t want to watch violent shows! Couples therapy is not for couples in this kind of relationship because this is exactly how it goes. If he wanted to change he’d seek out anger management therapy on his own.

          You need to connect with relevant sources of support for yourself.

        5. Yikes time to get out now. Seriously. Squirrel away as much money as you can in an account he doesn’t have access to, talk to a lawyer so you know your rights, make a plan so you can take the baby and get somewhere safe, and go. Seriously. You wouldn’t want this for your child, would you? Or a friend? You’d tell them to leave, right? Well I am going to be your friend and tell you to leave.

        6. yes, this is not a safe situation for you or your daughter. finding a tv show you agree on wont solve anything

        7. For those telling me to get out now, separation is best, including some of you that are lawyers:

          Do none of you live in 50/50 states? Do you understand how family courts have changed to be more “balanced”? I have seen a lawyer, I have videos of him abusing me and my daughter. I was still told that even with felony CA and DV, he would get 50/50 custody and I would have to pay child support. I don’t think having my daughter with him 50% of the time without me nearby to jump in would be better for her.

          I also grew up in a divorced house and I sacrificed a lot as a result. I didn’t do any out of school activities, barely went to the doctor, and scrambled eggs was a standard dinner despite my mom having a college degree and a good job. My mom also likes to tell me over and over again that if I divorce DH, she will support him and don’t expect her to do anything for my daughter again.

          Really, for those of you facing those choices, is it really better to leave?

          1. I am an attorney and I am the one who did not leave before her husband put her in a wheelchair. I think you need to leave.

            First, interview different lawyers. Some states are dismal for protecting women; others are not. However, different lawyers may have different strategies.

            Second, cut your mother off. Her toxic crap is why you chose this guy.

            Third, your marriage won’t last until your daughter is 18. Do you want to leave now or a year from now?

            Fourth, money is money and isn’t worth violence. There will come a point when you would have given every cent you have earned to get your health back.

          2. If you are staying to keep your daughter safe, that is understandable, but watching some sportsball you don’t enjoy is a way smaller sacrifice to keep the peace than staying because he would retaliate against your daughter, so it feels like you haven’t fully thought this through. It’s also confusing to bring up safety concerns (like leaving your daughter with him with no other supervising adult) along with issues that aren’t nearly as concerning (like eggs for dinner).

          3. This isn’t meant as critique: it sounds like you could still use to think this all through more with a relevant counselor. A lawyer isn’t the only person to consult.

          4. Fifth: I told my divorced, dysfunctional, cruel parents that the basic standard for being around my child is not pissing on me. They chose to piss on me. You know what? I have no problem not sending my precious, sweet son to be around people who crap all over his mom, and who don’t care enough about HIM to be reasonable to his mother.

            If you (general you) are needlessly antagonistic and cruel to a child’s mom, it stands to reason that you’re probably not going to see much of that kid. I decided that the rules weren’t different and my “ability” to absorb cruelty wasn’t sufficient reason to let people out of suffering the natural consequences of their bad actions.

            Was that strident? Sorry.

          5. In “Why does he do that” the author Lundy Barcroft addresses that leaving a partner does not always end a cycle of violence. He discusses the trade offs of leaving vs staying and some of the ways that women can empower themselves to prioritize their safety.

          6. You grew up in an abusive home, married and abuser, and are setting your daughter up for the same.

          8. We really don’t know enough about your situation to know whether it’s better to stay or leave, and you’re not going to be able to communicate that in a comment section. But I do strongly recommend some individual therapy with someone that is experienced in domestic violence situations to help you sus that out or make a good plan to stay.

            You’re a good mother in a really difficult situation, and to be completely honest whatever you do is going to suck in some way. You just need to be clear-eyed about the tradeoffs.

          9. I trust that you know your situation better than we do, but even so, I cannot imagine that your life or that of your kid is easier with this man in the picture.

          10. I’m convinced that divorce lawyers exist to put people in a state of fear about moving forward. Like yes, there may be unpleasant consequences of divorcing, re-opening the terms of your divorce, whatever, but it seems designed to keep people in a state of stasis.

          11. Whoa scrambled eggs catching strays! My parents were happily married but both worked demanding full-time jobs and none of us were adventurous eaters when I lived at home (I eat a bigger variety now) so breakfast for dinner was easy and made everyone happy; we had it at least once a week.

            In all seriousness, I echo those saying to leave but also maybe you need some therapy to explore why you’re equating felonies with things that are merely suboptimal. Even if divorce meant years of terrible, unhealthy dinners (which eggs are not, they’re pretty nutritious), that’s nowhere near on the same level as violence.

        9. I was in a similar marriage, and I also, for very important reasons, was reluctant to divorce. (FWIW, when I read your first post, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.)

          My biggest regret in life is not divorcing sooner. Truly, if I could do it all over again, I would have left sooner. He permanently injured me and I have to live in a broken body for the rest of my life.

          Get out now.

    10. It is very reasonable for him to want more time with you relaxing together, and it is very reasonable for you to not want that time to involve drinking or the tv.

      This is why old married couples love jigsaw puzzles and Uno. Tell him he can drink while you jigsaw, but you’ll skip that because of the gym in the morning.

    11. You don’t want to spend time with him cause he has anger issues. Why stay married

    12. This is probably unpopular, but I think your 9 pm bedtime and 5 am workout is bad for your marriage. You said you only have one hour of free time a day. But that’s not really true, your workout is free time too. A couple of options:
      1. Keep your 9 pm bedtime but pick a show that you both can tolerate. Maybe that’s a nature show or how it works or forged in fire or something you wouldn’t normally watch but doesn’t get you riled up. I’m guessing you’ve already tried this option, though.
      2. Find more ways to connect on the weekends. Have date nights. Again, I’m guessing you’re trying this but it’s not really addressing his complaint.
      3. Go to bed at 10 pm. Watch an hour of something he likes and you get your hour of wind down time. Either push back your workout or truncate it so you get up at 6 am. Or, sleep less (I know….).
      4. Exercise together at night after toddler bedtime. If you have space, maybe you get side by side treadmills so you can take a walk together at night.
      5. Consider doing what he wants 1-2 nights a week. Maybe Friday is your movie night? And at least one or two other weekdays a month?

      Fwiw I’m like you, I love working out in the morning and I love sleep. I’m in bed at 9 pm. I don’t do well with different bedtime/wake times all week. I do best with a stringent routine; when I’m off my routine the whole thing falls apart.

      I stopped going to the gym and got a peloton and the app so I can workout at home. That saves almost an hour of morning time because I don’t have to travel to/from the gym (idk why getting out the door is such a time consuming ordeal). I also don’t drink at night but I’ll put some lime and mint in water; it gets me into the kitchen with him when he’s making his drink, so he feels like we’re making drinks and drinking together even though I’m just drinking water.

      And as someone who tends to be rigid, I just want to reassure you that it’s ok to try something different for a while. You have a routine that you like, you can always go back to it. A change doesn’t have to be forever.

          1. What? I don’t know any of these people. I’m comfortable with the use of “allegation.”

    13. this is not a you problem at all. however, it sounds like he feels like watching shows together is something that bonded you previously and now doesn’t? what kinds of shows did you used to like to watch together? can you compromise and spend half hour together and have half hour solo? or two nights a week where you do something together and two nights where you do solo? and for whatever that something is, can you try to find a show or movie that appeals to both of you? i could never really drink during the week. do you have to drink alcohol together, can he have a beer while you have tea or whatever? i actually do unwind by watching shows like the Pitt, but everyone is different! my DH and I are also struggling to find shows we both want to watch together, whereas that used to not be a problem.

    14. I think you need to explore why you’re asking for advice about watching TV with a man who is violent towards you.

      1. Originally the Q framed it as not wanting to watch violent TV shows right before bedtime, which is a legitimate preference. It wasn’t “should I leave my H that I am trying to stay with even though he has been violent before,” which is an easy yes.

      2. +1. I was going to chime in with some advice about how we handled this after kids as former tv show watchers. But violence? Girl, you need to get out.

    15. This dynamic sounds so close to my best friend and her husband, who does not respect her and demonstrates that in front of their young daughter. It will sometimes get better but I will tell you as her friend I understand her reasons for staying but am praying one day she’ll see she and her daughter deserve better than walking on eggshells around this man.

      What happens every time she stands up for herself is that he turns around and blames his behavior on something she’s doing or not doing. She then, because she is a good and empathetic person trying to make her marriage work, compromises on something that makes her life better. Over time, the effect of this is that this chips away slowly but surely at the things that bring her joy/ease/comfort/mental stability. From my perspective, that is either an unconscious or conscious power strategy from her husband.

      Maybe this doesn’t apply to you, but what I see here is your husband seeing you doing something that makes you feel good as an individual and preying on your emotions to prove that he has the power to take that away from you. He could choose to change to meet you where you are – please think carefully about why that doesn’t even seem to occur to him (or you!) as a viable option.

      1. This describes the dynamic in one of my past relationships. It’s particularly infuriating because it’s makes it hard to get support from friends and relatives. “But why don’t you just agree to [minor inconvenience]?” It makes you look like you’re too rigid; like the problem is both of you being unwilling to compromise.

        But one concession is never enough. If anything it emboldens him to push for even more difficult concessions. I have to hold the line on the 9 pm bedtime because if I don’t then he’ll push back on me getting 8 hours of sleep. With my ex, it was things where I took up space – physical space in the home (like the closet — he had to have half of the closet but then left his empty while I got dressed in a different bedroom), time out of his life (his commute was my fault), emotional connection with friends and family (mine weren’t important, but also I needed to take care of his family like get gifts for everyone), time and effort in bed. I needed to get out of his way and not exist except when he needed something.

        It’s hard to see it as abuse because it’s not really intentional in the way we think of abuse. It’s almost lazy. It’s what happens when someone is extremely self centered and entitled. You’re an accessory to his life, not a person.

    16. Having read your comments – please leave. I promise you there are people in your life that would move heaven and earth to get you and your daughter out and safe. The instagram account healingbythenumbers may be helpful to you.

      These things only escalate. You and your daughter deserve safety.

      1. This. Don’t ever let him make you believe that there aren’t people in your life that will help you get somewhere safe.

    17. Same situation but for us it was flipped. DH gave up drinking and wanted to start reading. My advice would be to split the difference and try and find something to do together. Maybe take him on a date to a sportsball game one weekend, then start some kind of home reno project. Or if you want to be calm and relaxed on a weeknight, what if you invited him to come to bed early and read with you? Or if he isn’t up for it, invite him to bed and see if he’d watch tv with headphones in while you snuggle?

      1. Nevermind. I read the updated comments that talk about violence. There was not and is not that dynamic in my example, so I have moved to team Get Out.

    18. I could have written this two years ago, including about getting mad about not watching TV together. I want to reiterate the comments that you need to prepare a safe exit strategy and get out asap.

      As someone mentioned above, the book “Why does he do that? inside the minds of angry and controlling men” was incredibly eye-opening to me about my own situation. It was so easy to brush things aside when they happen one by one, and were not necessarily “bad enough” on their own. Seeing everything my ex-DH did laid out together shocked me. I read the free PDF during the day on my work computer, which he didn’t have access too. Even with support from family and friends, you will need to make the decision on your own to leave, and this book is what finally convinced me.

    19. This is not a “you” issue. You’re entitled to do what you need to feel good and stay healthy, especially if you’re talking about adequate rest, exercise, and moderating alcohol. I don’t think you need to compromise on these things. And it’s not OK for your husband to make sniping comments or mansplain or generally belittle you in any way.

      I have a very similar schedule and limitations, and it can be harder to connect with a spouse when you don’t have extra time in the evenings anymore. We’ve had to find other times to connect–lunch dates, hanging out in the kitchen while DH cooks, or quality time on weekends. We have a few shows and sports we enjoy, but we either have them on earlier in the evening or watch them on weekends when we have more time. Cuddling for 15-20 minutes before bed helps maintain a connection too. Sometimes DH will get lay down with me and then get back up for a while, but it still works.

      If you’re looking to compromise on the staying-up-late-and-drinking thing, I’d think quality over quantity. Maybe you could do a date night at home one weekend night. Pick a show or movie you really want to watch together, make a fun drink (or mocktail), stay up a little later, and either take a rest day or exercise later the next day.

      1. Having read all the comments now, I agree that your marriage is past the point of return. Please seek more opinions about custody and work on a safety plan and leave.

    20. You need to leave. Using your workout schedule as a dodge isn’t long term sustainable (and let’s call it what it is). Figure out a plan to leave and make it happen.

    21. this is what you need to do.
      LOCK DOWN YOUR BIRTH CONTROL. IUD preferably or something else he can’t tamper with.

      ASSESS RISKS INSIDE THE HOUSE. remove the guns and/or bullets, knives, etc.

      OPEN A SEPARATE ACCOUNT. get a burner phone if you need to. start squirreling money away. can you use the excuse that your office is doing a new billing software and gee they’re having problems with the autodeposit

      SEE A DIVORCE LAWYER. if possible see many so you can conflict him out of good ones; at least then they know the sitch.

      put the videos in an online account or give to a good friend.

      oof just read the bit about your mom threatening you if you divorce him … kind of agree you need to cut her off.

      i don’t know the laws where you are but there has to be a better way.

  12. Does anyone use Duet to add a second monitor to your laptop or have a KYY travel monitor or like?

  13. I have just been diagnosed with POTS. Any recommendations regarding:
    – What kinds of doctors to bring onto my care team?
    – Electrolyte packets you like or dislike and why?
    – Compression recommendations?
    – Other tips for someone learning to live with POTS?

    1. I would want to see a relevant neurologist (an autonomic subspecialist neurologist) who will test for all the underlying conditions that can cause neuropathic POTS (and who is aware of false negative rates; I tested negative on first line testing for the condition I really had and suffered with POTS for years when I could have been treated all along if they’d tested more thoroughly! I no longer test as having POTS at all on treatment). Neurologists also offer different meds from cardiologists (like adding benfotiamine to those electrolytes, or offering Mestinon at all).

      Briteleafs is the cheapest medical grade full length compression I know (not the softest; donning gear is required). Full length isn’t always necessary; really good shapewear can make a huge difference and is more comfortable in summer and easier to get on and off.

      I found cartons of broth helpful beyond electrolyte packets. Time release magnesium was also helpful.

      1. I wonder if I have POTS, but I also have Alpha Gal which can manifest as dizziness. I’ve been using the LMNT packets and they’ve helped a lot. Just getting up and down can still be dizzying, which is a thing I know and am mindful of. Good luck.

      2. No experience with POTS, but +1 that a second opinion from a highly qualified specialist is a great idea. Both on diagnosis and for guiding treatment.

        Some teaching hospitals have formal second opinion programs that bring in faculty member with slightly different specialties (like a radiation oncologist, medical oncologist, surgeon for cancer). I don’t know if they exist for other conditions, but if so, that’s a wonderful resource.

    2. i do not have POTS but could say that
      – for electrolytes i really like liquid IV (popsicle flavors are best IMHO but they’re all fine). One packet is hard to drink by itself; it really helps if it’s cold water and then when you get down to the dregs I add another 8-12 oz of water to the glass. I’ve tried LMNT and like it less but it is higher in sodium.
      – compression socks – Crazy Compression Socks are fun. I got some from a wool brand (Wellow, I think) that are much easier to get on but compress less bu they may be eaiser while you’re getting used to it. They also make compression leg sleeves so you can still wear long pants with bare feet or whatever.

      If dizziness is a problem for you with POTS do give the wristbands a try, they really do work. And squeeze your bum when standing, it helps keep the blood from rushing to your head.

    4. My son’s POTS was practically eliminated by a series of visits to a neurological chiropractor. I’m not a fan of chiropractic generally and would never let someone manipulate my neck. But the exercises this guy did with my son were not that. He was a young adult, so I was not with him and do not have a good handle on what he did. Whatever it was minimized his symptoms so that they were entirely manageable. He went something like 5 times a week for a couple of weeks and has not had to seek any more treatment. YMMV, obviously.

      1. I mentioned neuropathic POTS and someone else mentioned allergy/mast cell related dizziness, but orthopedic issues that can be addressed with manual therapy or PT can also cause vagal nerve dysfunction that gets diagnosed as POTS.

        I think if a doctor treats POTS as the answer, and not just a set of symptoms that still needs to be explained, they’re only going to be helpful with symptom management, and we still need to seek out a doctor who can do a more thorough work up.

    5. What kind of doctor diagnosed you? The doctors you see depends upon what your testing showed.

      Physical therapy/therapist
      Neurologist who specializes in neuropathy. I assume you have had full autonomic testing? They will also likely see you infrequently.
      Possibly a cardiologist, but often not likely long term.

      Fortunately most of us will respond well to treatment.

    6. I don’t have POTS. I’m on a GLP-1 and like to have electrolytes handy.

      My faves are Ultima. Lots of different flavors and nowhere near as salty as some of the others (Liquid IV) I’ve tried.

        1. I think the right amount of salt is a little different with different underlying conditions. It won’t taste bad if we really need it though!

    1. Mau Uni. Basket is generously sized and sturdy. My senior boy has made a spiral staircase jumping from the floor to the low windowsill to the shelf then climbing up to the basket.

      1. We just got a Mau Ivy for our little guy and were super impressed with the quality. (And it’s pretty to look at!)

  15. I am going to take horse riding lessons. I have never ridden a horse (not even a pony). I know several of you that comments regularly are avid horse riders. Please share any advice that you think will be beneficial. Thanks

    1. I took riding lessons as an adult, with zero experience. Wear a helmet and get a teacher that’s a good fit for you, and enjoy! After I got to a basic level of competency I was in a show (a recital for horse students?) with the other beginners, all of whom were children, and I participated as we followed directions to walk, trot, reverse, and so on. If that opportunity arises for you, take it, because it’s such a strange and fabulous thing to do.

    2. Wear long leggings even if it’s hot. Don’t wear shorts, whatever you do – the saddle will rub blisters all up and down the inside of your legs. You’ll want sturdy shoes, preferably boots, but your ankle will need to bend a lot so if your boots have stiff ankles then it’ll be better to wear sneakers. If your hands blister easily then wear or at least bring light gloves. Garden gloves are fine if you already have them. If you have long hair, tie your hair back. Do not wear a hair clip, it would be very dangerous if you fall. Wear a helmet.

      Be sure to stretch really well after you ride and then again before bed. You’re going to use muscles in your legs that don’t usually get used. You’ll be sore the next day. Treat any blisters carefully and be sure to pad that spot the next time you go — a big bandaid should be enough until your skin toughens up at those spots. Have fun!

    3. Always wear a helmet and don’t wear sneakers – you need boots with a heel so your foot can’t get caught in the stirrup. Learn how to fall safely because it will happen.

    4. It can be intimidating. Find a trainer and a horse you feel comfortable with. You may not feel 100% confident, but you trainer should be supportive, not pushy. Invest in a good helmet. Make sure your lesson also includes tacking up, etc. and how to just be safe in general around a horse. Have fun!!!

  16. I need to be in Ventura, California, later this month for a funeral. Thoughts on Four Points by Sheraton Ventura Harbor (some family will be there) versus Comfort Inn & Suites Ventura Beach (which is cheaper)?

    Also happy to hear recommendations for restaurants. I’m vegetarian and my wife isn’t. We like Asian, Mexican, Indian, Ethiopian, & California-style simple food. We like good taquerias and similar non-fancy places. We’ll also be in Santa Barbara for a portion of the trip.

    1. In Ventura (some of these may only have a few vegetarian options TBH):
      Brophy Brothers
      Pierpont Tacos
      Lure Fish House
      Frontside Cafe (breakfast and lunch)
      Rumfish y Vino

      On the way to Santa Barbara:
      Padaro Beach Grill (SUCH a nice place to sit and chill outside, food is great)

      Santa Barbara:
      La Super-Rica Taqueria

      Honestly the food scene in Ventura in particular has exploded in the past few years, and Santa Barbara has always been a foodie town, you’re not going to go very wrong.

      Cannot speak to the hotels, and I’m sorry for your loss.

        1. I also like Super Cucas on Micheltorena on the Westside. It is beyond a bargain, dive-y, and the food is delicious and portions are very generous. It’s a different mood than Super Rica. I will add more later if I remember.

      3. Super Rica is CASH ONLY. You have to stand in line for quite a while, so bring something to read.

    2. I lived in Santa Barbara for a long time, but not anymore, so my recs are a few years out of date and worth double checking, but I think all these places are still open. It’s actually a surprisingly bad city for vegetarian food- a lot of the nice places don’t have much to offer in that regard and a lot of the Mexican places aren’t very vegetarian friendly either, especially if you don’t want your rice and beans cooked with meat, though Super Cucas has clearly labeled vegan options and I liked Cristino’s for breakfast burritos and the bakery. I don’t think there’s ever been an Ethiopian restaurant there. There are a few okay Indian places like Apna, Masala Spice, and Flavor of India, and some okay Thai places. Natural Cafe is aggressively healthy in sort of a 1970s way (ymmv as to whether this is to your taste), but has lots of simple vegetarian options. Zaytoon has a really nice garden patio and decent Mediterranean food. Alcazar and Milk and Honey both do tapas with a reasonable number of vegetarian options.

    3. The best hotel is probably the Marriott by the beach. None of the hotels are particularly fabulous, though – I suspect either the Four Points or Comfort Inn would be fine. As beach hotels, expect a little sand :)

    4. Check out Loquita downtown for a fun vibe tapas place, pricey but so good. If you can’t get a reservation for outside, I recommend going early and sitting at the bar.

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