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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 229 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: All-Season Stretch Sleeveless Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Ann Taylor All-Season Stretch Sleeveless Sheath Dress | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Ann Taylor's annual suiting sale is upon us — 30% off all suits and blouses. This lovely all season sheath dress is highly rated, and I like that it has a zillion matching fabrics. It's $129 full price, but with code WORKIT it comes down to $90.30. The sale ends tomorrow, 11/5. Ann Taylor All-Season Stretch Sleeveless Sheath Dress Here's a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

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Comments

  1. sidebar dress sites?

    Anyone order from one of these sites like style we? I am looking at some clothes from a brand called Gyalwana — I love some of their stuff and understand it’s made in China but how is the quality?

    • Anonymous

      Gyalwana quality is good. Read product dimensions carefully as there is no consistent sizing for this brand.
      A size 4 may be a medium or large depending on the dress.
      StyleWe orders take a full two weeks to arrive, but are packaged beautifully.
      Good luck.

  2. Gift Ideas!

    My best friend’s son is turning one this weekend! What are some good gift ideas in the $50 range? He already has a ton of books.

    • Scarlett

      Honestly at that age, I’d get something for your friend and skip the kid gift. The kid won’t know the difference and your friend would probably love something for her.

    • Sydney Bristow

      On the recommendation of someone here (AIMS I think) I bought my nephew the Mozart Magic Cube at that age. He loved it and still plays with it now at 2.5 years old. I’m pretty sure that even though it makes noise, that it doesn’t really bother my brother and sister in law.

      I’d love suggestions for a 2.5 year old for Christmas too. He loves Curious George and the stuffed animal and book I got him for his birthday went over great.

      • Anonymous

        My 2 (almost 3 year old) loves duplos, magnatiles, matchbox cars, and dinosauer figurines. He loves books- Richard Scary books are really exciting at that age. I have heard really good things about “High Five”, which is the Highlights magazine for that age group.

    • TO Lawyer

      Not in the $50 range but I bought my friend’s son a V-tech elephant touch and play or something and bought her a bottle of wine.

      Someone also recommended the mozart music box for kids that age.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      For kiddos that young and in general I tend to think they have enough stuff so I give more experience based gifts:
      Membership to the local zoo
      Membership to the local children’s museum (if they have a good toddler section)
      Membership to the pool for the summer
      Classes – ask your friend if they want to sign up for a music and movement class or a swimming class
      On Shutterfly or Pinhole press both make baby books where you upload pics of their favorite people and its a board book for nighttime

      If you really want to give a toy: dupolos is a gift he could grow into.

    • kc esq

      My go-to is a toy shopping cart if they have the space, i.e., not for apartment dwellers.

      • NOLA

        I bought my friend’s one year old the Melissa and Doug picnic basket. She and her older brother loved playing with it.

    • Anonymous

      For that age, I generally get a book or a wooden puzzle, and then, I write a check for the kid’s college fund. (I have a one and two-year old.)

    • Anon

      For kids that already have lots of books and toys, I like to give either experience gifts or art supplies, especially stuff that we go through quickly like paper and watercolor paints.

    • ChiLaw

      My kid is almost that age and I was going to agree with the “something small and sturdy + wine for mom” suggestions until I saw the *zoo membership* suggestion. Do that! The great thing about being a member is you can leave when the kid gets fussy and not feel like you’ve wasted the admission fee! Other things: I’ve asked grandparents to get my kid a baby bongo (weirdly hard to find musical instruments for kids that aren’t electronic? just a drum she can bang on with her hand), a radio flyer wagon, or swim lessons.

  3. BB

    Ugh. Not a good start to the morning. I was distracted thinking about a meeting while pulling out of my building’s incredibly tight garage and hit my car on a post. Now there’s some light scratching and a small dent. :( So annoyed with myself because I totally know how to maneuver in there, just wasn’t thinking this morning! Grr!

    • DisenchantedinDC

      I think literally everybody living in the city who drives has done this. Not much a condolence, but we’ve all been there.

      • Anonymous

        Can confirm. You can be a super careful driver 99% of the time, but no one’s perfect and we all eventually make mistakes. That’s why car insurance is so much more expensive in urban areas.

        • Katie

          Can also confirm. Stressed, distracted, not enough sleep, and did the same thing. Lots of cars in my city seem to have suffered the same fate.

      • anon

        Co-sign. Tight building driveway turn meant a huge scrape down the side of the 2-month old car, sigh. Good news is it was far easier and cheaper to fix than we’d first thought.

        • BB

          Curious how they fixed it? Did they replace the whole panel or do something more cosmetic? I’m not sure it’s worth it for my car since it’s 10 years old at this point (but running amazingly and I love it and don’t want to spend money on a new car right now).

          • Both sides

            I scraped both sides. Once in my condo parking lot and once at work. Felt like such a dork. My car was relatively new so I had it repaired. I can’t remember what it cost, but it wasn’t cheap, sorry you started your morning like that.

        • anon

          Ours is an American-brand minivan. I seriously think they used a blowdryer to smooth out the scrapes, then sanded and repainted; we had to get a new chrome decorative thingy that was also scraped. Looks brand new now. We took it to the dealer we bought it from; cost was about $1200 (we thought it was going to be more like $5k, based on past scrapes previous cars). Maybe this is just based on my unscientific projection that cars are all made out of plastic panels these days.

    • Cream Tea

      Not a good start – but we’ve all done silly stuff like this. Try not to let it affect your whole day!

    • kellyn

      Been there! I was so bummed! But then I started looking around my garage and realized basically everyone had this same boo boo on their cars, too, and I felt less bad. So, condolences but welcome to the scratched up club ;)

    • BB

      Thanks, everyone! I just needed a good slap in the face reality check that it isn’t such a big deal. The “good” news is that my husband hit the car in the garage 2 days after we moved in, so he can’t say anything :)

    • Anon

      It happens to everyone – at least it was an inanimate object and not a child or anything!

  4. anon

    I have been lusting over these for several days now. Someone talk me into our out of buying them. And if you’re talking me into them, what color should I get? any of them would work with my wardrobe, and I prefer items that can be worn in the widest range of settings possible. I also don’t want boring, so I’m inclined to stay away from black

    http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/shoes-boots/28426054.jsp?color=027;jsessionid=AE357B5A47CAB698D748DA9DA28E0F37.anphlpapp02-store01#/

  5. Logistics of working from home

    I’d love some insight from those of you who work from home.

    More specifically :
    – how did you end up working from home?
    – if you proposed the arrangement to your employer, how did you pitch it?
    – what is your set-up? dedicated office? dedicated work cell phone?
    – do you have trips back the mothership at regular intervals? who pays for that?

    • Cb

      I’m in academia so I can’t comment on the first few questions but do you like working from home? Is it possible to trial it? I can manage 1 day every two weeks but I find myself easily distracted, irritable, and lonely after more than a day. Someone who is more introverted might have a very different experience.

    • Sarabeth

      My husband works from home. He told the company he would need to resign unless they could work out a remote arrangement (I got a job in another state, and I’m an academic, so I basically had to take that job or be unemployed, while he could get another job more easily). He has a dedicated office (we are lucky to be in a LCOL city), and uses Skype for almost all communication except for group videoconferencing – his company has a paid service for that, and sent him a special webcam to use for it. He travels to the mothership 2-3 times per year, they pay for all of it. They also pay for office supplies, internet, etc for his home office.

      He’s just been offered a new job at a new company, which will be mostly the same arrangement except that he will travel a bit more often.

      He used to work out of coworking space, and liked having officemates. But when we bought a house, the extra mortgage payment on a home office was cheaper than the coworking rent, and also means that we can get away with just one car.

      • Logistics of working from home

        Thank you! This is so helpful.

        Two quick followups:
        – how long had your husband been with the company before moving and working remote?
        – I’m assuming from your facts that this was intended by everyone to be a permanent arrangement (rather than a year or two of remote before moving back) – is that right?

        • Sarabeth

          Yes, it was always conceived as a permanent arrangement. He’d been with them for about a year beforehand – not forever, but long enough for them to know that he was a great employee.

          I do think it mattered that he was up front with them that the alternative was to resign. He wasn’t trying to play hardball or anything, but that was the choice – he 100% had to move, and while he would be sad to leave the job, it was simply not an option to keep doing it in the same city. He was mentally prepared to quit and start a job search in the new city.

    • EB0220

      I worked from home for 6 years. I was (still am) in a travel role, and my hiring manager did not care where I was located. I have always had a somewhat dedicated office space (shared with my husband’s desk, computer, etc.). This was fine unless he was working from home, too. My company paid for all equipment (laptop, monitors, peripherals, printer/fax). I had a dedicated work cell, but I used either VoIP or a landline for most calls. It can get extremely expensive to use a cell phone for calls. My company used to reimburse for phone and internet but just stopped doing that. I traveled to the mothership pretty often – probably at least 6-8 times a year. I was always within a 3 hour drive of CHQ, though. I work from the office now (by choice). I like it for the most part, but I really miss the ability to do chores around the house while on conference calls.

    • Anon

      After 4.5 years working out of our home office, I just started working remotely a few months ago.

      My company has always had a flexible policy of people working from home occasionally on an as-needed basis, as well as several people setting up formal arrangements ranging from working remotely 1-4 days a week, to permanently based on life situations. For permanent situations it has been based on family transitions like wanting to be closer to relatives or getting married. In pitching this it has often been a case of people saying that they will be moving, and wanting to figure out a way to also keep working there, not in an ultimatum sort of way but more “I enjoy working here but for personal reasons think it is best for me to live in a different city”.

      Going remote has a small impact on the types of projects we work on, but not much. Work provides the laptop, and that’s about it. I travel back about once a month (which is common across all people who are remote) in addition to any client travel. Most of my communication is via skype video-conferencing.

      I have a dedicated office, and though I thought the transition would be really hard, it has actually been pretty easy. Video calls and aiming to have some interactions be social has helped with this. So long as I have a few small group 30-60 minute meetings each day I’m good with the social contact, though when I have a full day without that it gets old.

    • Anonymous

      I work from home. I started out in the regional office of my company with a small team. That team eventually was 2 people and we often had early AM/late PM calls. My boss had previously been in my office but I swotched bosses and new boss was in a different office. I started to WFH a few days a week.

      As my team grew, I began to have reports from offices all over the country. In parallel, I started to travel more and have even more off-hours meetings with the other coast. Talked to my boss who didn’t care where I worked, especially since we didn’t see each other anyway. Have been 100% remote for 2.5 years.

      I still have a cube in my former office but only go 1-3x a year if I am meeting clients etc in the space. It’s a short drive so nobody has to pay. I have an office in the regional office I visit most that I “time share” with another colleague. I’m there probably 15-20 days/year. That office is a flight away and my company pays. Our HQ is a flight away and my company pays for that too. I go there about 3x/year.

      Fwiw I’m a VP/department head for a travel heavy tech company. We do a LOT of video conferencing and are remote/partial WFH/wfh friendly for most roles (not entry level or certain departments…like tech support!).

    • Resort Paralegal

      Late response, but I am a paralegal who works from home. I told my main attorney I would have to resign unless I could work remotely, as I was moving for my husband to join his family business. No one else in my firm works remotely full-time (~100 attys, 1 location, SE US). We took it on a trial basis, I wasn’t sure if they were going to keep me on until they found a replacement. That was 17 months ago.

      I was at the firm for 3 years before moving, but my main attorney really liked me and trusted my technology competence.

      I have a dedicated home office, use my cell phone for all correspondence (they declined to route a work phone number to it), bought my own laptop, use remote connection website. Our firm has an in-office print shop, so I can have documents printed and delivered directly to attorneys or scanned to me from them.

      I go back to the office whenever I visit my parents, which is on my dime and travel to clients offices/county departments/back to the main office when it can be billed to the client. I only submit for mileage and parking, never food.

      The worst part is that I am hourly, without benefits now. The cost of insurance really adds up, and I don’t have maternity leave if I have a second child.

      I do love working from home – no commuting, no more ironing work clothes, no packing lunch, running washer/dryer/dishwasher during the day, flexibility to take my daughter to daycare. Honestly, I have a pretty strong work ethic/sense of guilt and I have to bill my time to clients, so I never have the TV on, etc.

  6. 3 kids

    Is it possible to have 3 kids and be an overachieving ‘rette? We have two young biological kids and are strongly considering adopting a third child (I can still have another child — I think anyways — but DH and I both really want to adopt). Life is predictably crazy with 2 kids, and both DH and I work full time. He’s an executive, I’m an attorney for the gov’t with very regular hours. We don’t have family in the area, but my mom is retired and will gladly stay with us for several weeks or months on end to help us. So in that sense, we are extremely lucky that we have the extra help.

    DH and I always wanted to have a bigger family and I do love the idea of three kids. But, our life is already so hectic and I’m wondering how the third will play into the mix. Would love any feedback.

    • Anonymous

      I have 4 and I’m a lawyer in private practice with a lawyer husband. It’s totally possible (and worth it to me), but predictably not easy. You just take it one day at a time. That first sleep-deprived year was the hardest for me, but you adjust quickly to the new normal.

    • SuziStockbroker

      I have three kids.

      I have regular hours because I am, essentially, self employed. It kind of irks me that I am always the one to be home by 6, because concentrating on my career makes more sense, financially, that my husband working late (he is pretty much as high as he can go in his organization). However, I also want to be home by 6 to see my kids!

      My advice would be to hire out as much stuff as you can (that is not time spent with your kids). In my limited amount of time, I do not want to be cleaning my house. I want to be helping my kids with their homework, or taking them to activities (some one which I also aprticipate in, my youngest and oldest and I take karate together). I’ve actually hired a meal service even though I love to cook. That means 3 nights a week I do not have to spend the time cooking.

      It gets trickier as they get older. 3 children in activities, and 2 adults does not add up some times! You have to form partnerships with other parents.

      I would also say, get them started on small chores early. As a mom, I find it easier to do it myself, because then I know it will get done, and done right. However, you are not doing yourself (or them) any favours in the long run. We do have someone come to the house for 5 hours a day, even though the children are in school for part of that time. I have made it quite clear to the older kids (pre-teens) that she is not there to make their lives easier though, They need to clean up after themselves etc. She does make their lunches for school the next day (so I know it is a healthy lunch).

    • Mom of 3

      I’m not sure the logistics get any more challenging — mine are middle/high school and have tons of activities that they need carpools/rides to but I don’t think I would feel any less stressed if I had one less child… or one less child to deal with in terms of doctor visits, school meetings, packing lunches, etc.

      Two places I’ve felt it:

      Cost: leaving aside an additional day care cost, which was enormous, it feels to me like a lot of things are designed for a family of 4. We had to get a bigger car. When we travel, we have to get a second hotel room. Something like an amusement park ride/roller coaster (seems like a silly example) is 2 to a row or 4 to a car, etc.

      The other place is just being ready to move on to new phases as your older two are ready. Like when the older two are done with naps and the youngest one isn’t, so someone is tied down with him. Or a few years ago when my older two could hike farther and do more challenging hikes, and one of us would stay behind with the youngest and only hike a short ways.

    • Mazey

      Are you me?!

      I could have written your post. We have 2 legal jobs and 2 kids, and are strongly considering adopting a third. Sometimes I think we’re crazy, because we can handle what we have now, and maybe shouldn’t push our luck. But if I’m honest with myself, I know we want 3, and I think we have the resources to pull it off. I always wanted to have a pack of kids growing up together, and 2 just doesn’t quite feel that way. I actually want them to outnumber me. I want them to have each other.

      We’re going to make a run at it, but I can’t be sure it’ll all work out. I hope it does. Best of luck to you too :)

    • Anonymous

      Hmm not sure if you’re still checking this but…

      Laura Vanderkam, author of the book I Know How She Does It, has 4 kids. She has a blog where she frequently talks about how she makes it all work and what it looks like. I find it inspiring. Her books are great too.

  7. Public service announcement

    It looks like Talbots has started lining their wool suiting pants again :)

    Now could they stock them in stores so that I don’t have to order just to try them on? I am a person who tries on about 10 pieces as a minimum when buying a suit of skirt + jacket + pants + any matching or go-with-the-jacket-a-bit dress (in 4, 4p, 6, 6p, maybe an 8 sometimes in pants, maybe with a blouse).

    BUT YAY — they are lining wool pants :)

  8. 3 kids

    Is it possible to have 3 kids and be an overachieving chick? We have two young biological kids and are strongly considering adopting a third child (I can still have another child — I think anyways — but DH and I both really want to adopt). Life is predictably crazy with 2 kids, and both DH and I work full time. He’s an executive, I’m an attorney for the gov’t with very regular hours. We don’t have family in the area, but my mom is retired and will gladly stay with us for several weeks or months on end to help us. So in that sense, we are extremely lucky that we have the extra help.

    DH and I always wanted to have a bigger family and I do love the idea of three kids. But, our life is already so hectic and I’m wondering how the third will play into the mix. Would love any feedback.

    • Anonymous

      Take this with a grain of salt, because I don’t want a big family but…I would be so hesitant to go from 2 to 3 if you both work full time and feel like things are already pretty crazy with 2. I’ve heard it’s a much bigger change than 1 to 2.

      • Batgirl

        I’ve heard that going from 1 to 2 is hardest, but that 2 to 3 isn’t all that different.

        • Shayla

          I think it really depends on the type of parenting you do. If you practice zone defense, then the transition from 1-2 is hardest. If you’re parent-to-child (man-to-man) defense, then 2-3 is tougher because you’re used to only dealing with one kid at a time, and then you’re being asked to switch to zone defense. So, you’re adding a kid and changing the way you have to parents.

      • OP

        Thanks. Life may be particularly crazy now because my kids are super young and needy (infant and a 2 year old). We probably wouldn’t add another child to the mix for another 2 years, so things may calm down then (or not)? :)

        • Senior Attorney

          Just remember that things get super, super crazy when they start getting into sports and other activities. All. That. Driving. With two, each parent can take a kid to an activity when they conflict. With three conflicting activities, it’s harder.

    • Anonymous

      Most of the working women I know capped out at 2 but I am seeing 3 more and more (especially if they don’t lose momentum).

      Adoption can be hard, especially if international, for someone with a job (link: you are in trial and your baby is ready to be picked up overseas . . .). I know one working person who adopted (big gap b/w kids) non-locally and a lot of foster-to-adopts where the mother worked. The international adoptions I know of had either a non-working spouse or very regular hours with lots of leave (govt / nonprofit).

      If you feel called, go for it. It’s not like you won’t be running around with 2, so you’re already committed.

      • OP

        Thanks! Fortunately I do zero trial work and don’t travel for work, so my hours are extremely regular and predictable (basically 9 to 5 pm). The work itself is “high level” and challenging, but it allows me predictability in my schedule.

          • OP

            Appellate attorney for the gov’t! Srsly, it’s an amazing job. I took a big paycut from Big Law but I have my life back again.

          • Anonymous

            Is this the sort of job that mere mortals can have? When I was DC biglaw, there were GS-12 jobs that were a struggle to get and then there were ones that you could forget about unless you had a SCT clerkship, etc.

            Which, is why I am still at BigLaw — how crazy is it that even if you want the salary cut, you have to really fight your way in?

          • OP

            Yes, I think so. I’m a mere mortal ;). I didn’t go to a T-14 law school, but I did really well in law school and got a federal appellate clerkship. The clerkship is the norm in my office, although only 1 is a former Sct clerk. The pay is at GS-15, so it’s quite comfortable (but now Big Law by any means).

            For those who are interested, I would scour USA jobs like diligently and apply. You never know!

    • kc esq

      A friend did a domestic toddler adoption about 6 months ago. I think it’s a wonderful thing, but there are a lot of issues to work through in assimilating a kid into your family who already had a different routine and a loving foster family from whom he was removed (assuming that’s the situation). And it’s a huge adjustment for your bio kids to make. Basically, from my immediate outsider point of view, it is more important for someone (or preferably both parents) to be able to take a big chunk of family leave to help get everyone on track emotionally. So much different from a newborn, where the new child’s demands are primarily about getting the kid fed, cleaned, etc.

    • R in Boston

      I am the oldest of three and the daughter of an overachieving chick (woman number 9 at her law firm, made partner in the 80s while my siblings and I were all relatively young). She always described the switch from 2 to 3 as going from man-to-man to zone defense. Both my parents worked more than full time, my dad pitched in a lot (for the early 80s – probably a more “normal” amount by current standards), and we had live-in nannies until the youngest finished fifth grade. The kids were jointly responsible for getting dinner on the table as soon as we could all use the stove, we supervised each others’ homework, I spent a lot of time as third parent, and there was a semester or two in there when we took taxis to school because that was really the best option in terms of getting us all there on time. So in summary, yes, you can absolutely do it, but it takes work on your part, professional help, and some creativity/flexibility. It also helps if you are raising three over achieving kids who are pretty self sufficient. Not saying that this is the only way to do it, but it worked for us.

      Note on nannies: I know some people on this forum really hate the nanny idea, but we loved them. It was the best child care option for my family and it was in no way detrimental to any of our relationships with our parents. No one is confused about who mom and dad are and looking back there are some nannies whose names I can’t even remember. If nannies are what will make three kids (or any other number) work for you, go for it.

    • Diana Barry

      We have 3 kids. DH and I both work, but I am 80% and we have about a 90% time nanny. I get home at around 5 or 530 every night and DH works from home when not traveling, so he is usually here. Our kids are 2.3 years apart so we had 3 under 5. It can work, but keep in mind how much time the adoption would take (more than prenatal visits etc.?) and how much leave you would get for an adoption, if different.

      Our nanny does a lot for us – drives the kids to activities, pickup/dropoff at school, stays late 2x/week, and supervises homework now that there is some. This is particularly helpful when you have 3 kids, I think. I do try to schedule them in stuff (if at all) all on the same day – so we have dance class for all 3 on Saturdays, for example – so that she doesn’t have to be 2 places at 1 time. We have friends who work FT and their kids are in afterschool, so they pick up the kids at 6 each night from their school, but that gets complicated if you are picking up kids from more than one place.

    • RR

      I have 3. I have twins, and I had the third when the twins were 5 1/2. The year she was born was difficult. I had to lean out a little from the extracurricular stuff while we were getting sleeping, etc. under control, but she’s two now and I’m as overachieving as ever. They are all in daycare (before and after school for the older two, all day for the youngest), and we have no other paid help (we really should have a cleaning person, but I just haven’t done it yet).

      My situation is a little different because I started with 2 (i.e., I didn’t go from 1 to 2, so I never experienced that transition), but adding the third was not a big deal and I’m so glad we did. I have no experience with adoption and adding a non-infant to the house.

      I actually work with a lot of women (a lot of equity partner women) with 3 or more kids. One (with 5 kids) has a SAHD for a husband; some had nannies; some just did a daycare route like me.

      Best of luck, and this is totally doable if you want it to be.

    • Anon

      We have three kids. I am a government lawyer and my husband is an engineer. We both have pretty set schedules, though I can adjust my start and end time more easily then he can. It is finally getting easier now that all the kids are in school. But we are still very busy. I feel like I never sit down from the second I get home. We make dinner, get homework done, baths, lunches made, bags packed for the morning, shuttle the oldest to her after-school activities and back home. It is busy but fun and my husband really is a great partner and takes on more than his share of the work.

    • Anon Mom of Three

      I have three kids spaced over 5 years. Frankly, I found the transition from 2 to 3 to be the hardest, even harder than having the first. The increase in the level of chaos and craziness was unexpected. Whereas having the second seemed like mostly a matter of adding another child to our established routines, adding the third threw everything up in the air! It is in some ways even harder now that all are school-aged. The evenings are a gauntlet of homework and activities. While we limit their activities to one sport and one music, as they advance each sport requires more time and there is always at least one evening each week that requires two adults just to get everyone where they go on time.

      That said, I do think it’s possible! I think a few things are key. First, do you have the personality to handle the craziness? I am an introvert (but not an extreme introvert) and get a little stressed by it all sometimes, but it’s manageable. Second, I think it works best when only one parent has a really demanding job. My husband and I have traded off that role. While I was at a large firm and traveled, he worked out of our house. Now that I am in-house with regular hours, he works for a consulting firm with some travel. Third, as someone already mentioned, do you have help available and are you able/willing to pay for it? It sounds like your mom can help, but do you have additional options? My mom helps with before and after school. Our summer nanny from this year also covers certain days. Our prior summer nanny is helping soon at a time when both my husband and I are traveling. Even though I’m only in the office 8 to 5 except for rare exceptions and my husband is also able to leave at 5 most days, we have a handful of people we count on to help us make it all work. We also have a cleaning lady, grocery delivery, and get every penny out of our Amazon Prime membership.

      I hope that helps! Let me know if you have other questions I might be able to answer.

      • OP

        Thanks so much! I am a huge introvert so the chaos doesn’t bother me. DH is an introvert but is obsessed with his kids, so I think he’ll be ok. My husband has a relatively demanding job, with some travel, but fortunately my job does not require long hours. We can afford help and I would imagine that with 3 kids we absolutely would need to hire more help. Right now we have a bi-monthly cleaner and someone who picks and drops our kids off at daycare. We have never had a nanny before but I suspect with 3 kids we would need someone to serve in that role.

    • OP

      Thanks to all of you for the wonderful, insight comments so far. These responses are exactly why I keep coming back to this community every day. Reading your comments makes me feel quite encouraged that 3 kids is entirely possible (with lots and lots of help, that is!). I’m also really fortunate that DH is an incredible partner who probably does more around the house and with kids than I do. And financially, we can afford 3 kids and all of the accompanying help it will require.

      Also, I fully realize that adoption is adding an even bigger layer of complexity. We would be pursuing int’l adoption (from the country where DH and I are from), and we would likely be adopting a child around 1.5 year or so.

      Keep the comments coming!

      • Mazey

        You are me. Are you me? Seriously, this is exactly what we want to do – adopt a 1.5 year old internationally, about 2 years from now (currently we have a 3 year old and 1 year old).

        I’ll make you a deal – if you do it, I’ll do it :)

        • OP

          Hi Mazey! How awesome! Glad that I’m not the only crazy one. :) Best of luck to you too! Please do post an update once you are further along in the adoption process and I’ll do the same.

  9. Two Cents

    I’m looking for a short pea coat in a fun, bright color (preferably hot pink but I’m open). Ideally the length would end at my hip. I’ve looked at Nordstrom, Lord and Taylor, Boden, and Talbots. Any suggestions?

  10. Counter Offer

    Ladies,
    I decided to leave my job.
    Told my team on Monday, had a call with my manager yesterday and today I have a sit down with the VP.
    I know he will try to drag me back into a new assignment that is critical to the company but will not advance my career and I frankly am done with this work environment.
    I already have another offer which is at par with what I make but better environment and big promotion expected within 6 months.
    I do not want to hurt VP’s feelings because he is fairly new and amazing.
    I was hurt by a succession of incompetent managers and just want to leave because I have had it (and the other opportunity is something I worked towards for months).
    My decision is final so how can I be firm while being fair to my VP? It is very important to me that he understands it’s not his fault because in the few months he came, he completely changed the culture. I am just done with current company and want to get into a new phase in my career.
    I am giving a 2-month notice to help with all the transition.

    • Maddie Ross

      You’re giving about 4 times the amount of notice needed – you do not need to worry about being “fair.”

    • Greensleeves

      Tell him exactly that – you need a fresh start in a new place. For my last move, that was what finally seemed to get through to the supervisor who was very persistent in trying to convince me to stay.

    • Anonymous

      Just repeat: I’m sorry, but that’s not an option.

      That’s all. Two months notice is more than fair (and I’d actually think about if that’s what you want to do; two months as a lame duck in a work environment you’re done with sounds pretty miserable to me).

    • Opal

      “I do not want to hurt VP’s feelings because he is fairly new and amazing.” I’m a pretty firm believer that feelings don’t matter (within a normal human response – ie: giving 2 months notice). After getting burned badly when I exited an old job because I was trying to be sensitive to feelings, etc, I learned that at some point you have to draw a line – business is business, and you’ve done everything within the realm of reasonable to set up this transition.

      If he drags you on to an assignment, engage and do it to the best of your ability. But your last day is your last day and, even if he’s in denial, he now knows when that is. He’s setting himself up for failure by making such a move, but that’s out of your control and not something you need to worry yourself with.

    • Senior Attorney

      Remember, you don’t have to convince anybody you are doing the right thing. You don’t have to spare anybody’s feelings. You most certainly don’t have to tell anybody why you are leaving. You just have to inform everyone of your departure date. Tell the VP what you told us “It’s not you, it’s me, and my decision is final. I will be leaving on X date.” Boom! Done!

      And I agree that two months is way too much notice. I’d give a month at most.

    • Anon

      My husband was constantly telling me that “it’s just business,” and I only recently started understanding this. Your company is going to make the decision that is best for the company so you need to make the decision that is best for you. Obviously don’t burn bridges, but also don’t worry about “being fair,” or “sensitive.” Has the company been concerned with being fair and sensitive to you? That just isn’t how business works. Do what you need to do and move on.

  11. Rose

    Hive – What are your favorite apps? All categories, just looking for some new ones/lesser known ones to try out.

    • Anon

      Touchnote! Send postcards of photos on your phone to people and they arrive within a few days. We send them to grandparents, parents, friends, whoever… You buy credits (we buy like 20 at once) and then just use them over time.

    • Ellen

      I live in NYC, and there is an app that I have on my IPHONE that tells me how to get where ever I need to go called Citymapper. Rosa SAID IT Does NOT work everywhere but Myrna said it worked in some other city’s.

      I also have SPOTIFY, which is great b/c I d NOT have to wste space downloading song’s b/e they are already in the CLOUD.

      Finaly, I love IMdb b/c it tells me all about the movie’s I want to watch! YAY!!!!

    • shadow

      I just read about RunPee, which alerts you and tells you when there are good times in movies to take a pee break and also gives you the cue (like when a character says a certain line, that’s a good time to go pee, and how many minutes you have before the plot picks up again).

      I use coffitivity a lot (generates coffee shop sounds )and Rain,Rain which is an app that generates rain sounds. They help me focus at work. I like flipp for clipping coupons and comparing prices for groceries and home goods. I also have Ear Trainer, which is an app to help you with ear training … I’ve found it useful for getting back into music/piano. I also like Memrise, which is an app for learning languages (and other subjects – but languages are the most popular).

  12. Anonymous

    Has anyone downsized for lifestyle reasons? We have a lovely, large home in a nice area. It is not unreasonable and we can afford it, but…I feel so trapped by my mortgage and taxes and upkeep. I fantasize about buying a condo half the size and not having to feel the weight of this huge monthly expense or the pressure of constant repairs. I think of all the wonderful things we could do as a family if we paid half as much in living expenses. I have a one year old daughter and would like to have another in the next few years. Am I crazy to want to move into something smaller?

    • Small living

      Absolutely not! We did this and have never looked back. Had a large for us (2500 sq ft) home in the burbs, decided that we hated it, sold it, and moved back into the city. We have lived in a variety of condos, ranging from 1200 sq ft to now 1500 sq ft (and with 2 kids). I know that some of our friends think we are crazy for not buying a big house but I found the smaller space really freeing. Less clutter, more time together as a family because of the close proximity, kids share a room, and I love how everyone is on the same level (we used to live in a three story town home and I found that set up to be kind of isolating). My ideal would be about 1800 sq ft in the city. I don’t want more than that! And if you think about it, the US is really the exception when it comes to living in ginormous homes. In most of the world, entire families live in a small 2 bedroom place are manage perfectly fine.

    • KittyKat

      I think you need to take a few things into consideration. The american way is “bigger is better” so you will get snide comments from friends and family for sure. Also do you like stuff? Downsizing is much easier for minimalists or people who don’t have an attachment to stuff, I recently downsized and I love it. Less space but much more high quality functional space.

    • Anonymous

      Good for you! I think it’s a great attitude to have but you will probably get some judgment/people jumping to conclusions that you couldn’t afford your current home. How small are you thinking? With two kids in the plans, I don’t think I’d personally be comfortable with less than 3 BR/2 BA, but it depends on a lot of things including whether you’ll have guests visiting than you want space for. Keep in mind that condo fees can be really insane, on the other of $1000 a month or more. Not saying that you won’t save money by downsizing from a large mortgage, but I’d guess that any money you’re spending on repairs/upkeep of your house would be eaten by the condo fee.

    • anon

      We didn’t downsize, but we consciously chose not to upsize at the point when everyone else was doing it. For us, it’s not really about money, it’s about time. We don’t have any paid household help and are already flat-out just keeping up with cleaning and yard work. A bigger house would just be more work. Sure, I’d love to have bigger closets, a nicer kitchen, and an actual laundry room or mudroom instead of a laundry closet, but it just wouldn’t be worth it. Instead of moving to a bigger, newer house, we have dramatically reduced the amount of stuff we have to fit our very limited storage, and over the next couple of years we are planning to invest in some upgrades to our home and furniture so we have a small space that is really nice. We would really love to downsize to a townhouse or condo with less maintenance, but that’s not a good option for us at this point because there are no such options zoned for our daughter’s amazing public school, and many people in our state still smoke so multi-family housing is risky (yes, it can seep through the walls).

      • Anonymous

        “many people in our state still smoke”

        I haven’t been in a smoky place in ages since our state and NYC and DC outlawed smoking in bars. I can’t say that I know smokers anymore (except for guys who smoke the occasional cigar).

        So while smoking isn’t a thing in my crowd or life, is it still something that people do? Is this regional (where do you live)?

        FWIW, I think that those of us who are city people by birth always get why people are OK with small places that are close to things.

        • Anonymous

          In contrast, I feel like I’m bombarded with cigarette smoke in NYC and DC because there are SO many smokers on sidewalks and in the parks (despite the NYC ban on park smoking). I just ran the marathon and the entire course was lined with smoking spectators–it was disgusting.

          There are a lot of things I don’t like about my car-centric, sprawled city, but it at least affords the ability to avoid smoke–I don’t socialize with smokers by choice, I refuse to sit on patios even in beautiful weather because they’ve been overtaken by smokers as a result of smoking bans, and since the primary method of transport is car, you don’t get stuck on the sidewalk with someone blowing smoke at you. You do have to make sure you keep your car a/c on recirculate though, because the smoke from a car in front of you will come in to yours.

        • anon

          Central VA. LCOL so there is more socioeconomic diversity within neighborhoods than I am used to seeing in places where I have previously lived. There is a lot of smoking and “vaping,” mostly among people who did not attend college and/or who are originally from this area. Professionals and transplants from other regions don’t tend to smoke. People even get away with “vaping” inside some restaurants and movie theatres, which I’m not sure is technically legal.

          • Anonymous

            I am probably a bit older than you.

            I think that smoking looks very cool and glamorous (too many old movies in my formative years; no one in my family smokes; two friends’ parents smoked and I hated to visit even though I adored them and the parents).

            Vaping I think is tragic and embarassing and OMG so not ever going to be cool.

          • emeralds

            I think we might live in the same place. I moved here a few months ago (from another central VA location known for being mega-healthy), and it BLOWS MY MIND how many many people smoke! I think a lot of it is actually the hipster/alternative/punk scene. I work at the big university and see my students smoking all. the. time. so I don’t even know if it’s a socioeconomic or class thing.

            But with that said, I really like how socioeconomically diverse neighborhoods here are! That’s a big change from my previous location, which was a lot more stratified.

          • anon

            Hmmm… I think we are in the same metro area, but I am in one of the counties because the city public schools are terrible and we did not want to go the private school route. Smoking up here is a socioeconomic thing, but definitely a hipster urban thing where you are. We are considering moving to the city if our kid gets into the awesome public high school that draws from multiple distracts ( if we really are in the same area you will know about this school), but that is hard to do and a long way off.

        • Annie

          Even in my HCOL, wealthy California town without many smokers in general, my apartment was surrounded by smokers. Luckily, they decided to become no smoking a year or so after we moved in, but smoking bans are still rare. I think the issue is partly that even just one regular smoker can affect a lot of people when apartments are close together and no AC means you often have to have your windows open.

      • Anonymous

        When I lived in the bay area, there were tons of smokers in my apartment building (in a “rich” area of the bay area, to the extent the whole area isn’t rich), even though smoking is outlawed in all bars and restaurants in CA. It was awful, and when we moved to the Midwest one of the primary reasons I wanted a single family home was so that we wouldn’t have to deal with smoking neighbors. In my new state, smoking is not allowed in restaurants but it is in bars. I do think (just from observing people on the street) that more people here smoke, but avoiding smokers in bars is much easier than avoiding smoking neighbors.

    • Anon

      You should check out the blog Mr. Money Mustache. KittyKat, why should she take snide comments from friends and family into consideration when making her decision? If anything, I’m the opposite. One of my friends just bought a 3,500 square foot house and as she was showing it to me all I kept asking myself was, why? Why would anyone ever need this much space? But whatever, it’s their money and their life.

      • Anonymous

        I might have thought that 3500 sq ft = awesome, but 3500 sq feet filled with my tendency to hoard in blue rubbermaid tubs would make me weep.

        Not awesome for me.

      • KittyKat

        Because that is social life. You need to be prepared to justify and uphold your decisions in all walks of life. Anything that goes against the grain will be subject to scrutiny. It’s simply how the socioeconomic landscape of the united states is. It’s not a good or a bad thing, just a thing you need to think about.

        • anon

          But aren’t downsizing and moving back to the city and minimalism and KonMari now the cool things that don’t need any justification, and big McMansions uncool and subject to derision?

          • Anonymous

            Among a certain set maybe. Also a lot of people who think downsizing is cool are a little older and have “been there, done that” with the big McMansions. Among most people in their late 20s and early 30s buying their first homes, buying a large, single-family home is still the ultimate status simple. Even better if its new construction.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            Interesting… I’m 30, and I find that people in my generation (in my area, at least) are more likely to value buying something on the smaller side for lots of reasons- ecological, financial, commute time, maintenance, etc. My generation graduated with student debt, and the recession hit soon after. We saw a lot of people go underwater on their mortgages and struggle to maintain their sprawling households. Statistically, we’re putting off buying property and buying less because of all these factors. I’ve noticed that buying large suburban homes seems to be more popular with Gen Xers up to the younger end of the Boomer generation. They seem to ascribe more to to the traditional American idea that success = a nice, big suburban home.

        • Snickety

          The extent to which you feel you need to “justify and uphold your decisions” about personal things probably depends on your personality type.

    • Simplicity

      I also downsized and will never go back. There was so much wasted, inefficient space in my old place. And buying furniture to fill rooms that were rarely used didn’t make sense to me. Get rid of the clutter! Easier to clean and easier to live. It’s so much cheaper (rent/mortgage) and cheaper to heat. I am saving so much money. My goal is to retire young while I’m still healthy and to have freedom to do what I want to do. To me – having a huge home and a huge mortgage is stifling.

      One thing – when I was a child, we grew up in a very small house but in a very desirable location. I admit, I wished we had a bigger house to have more privacy….especially as I got older. But fortunately, living in a great area made me think of the community as my “home” even more. If you are downsizing and staying in an urban environment, then that is a common thing these days…. even if doesn’t appear to be among your high powered / high income peers.

      And my goodness…… my parents made out LIKE BANDITS from saving a ton on housing costs. They became multi-millionaires from modest middle class incomes (no lawyers here) from saving in the early years. They now are extremely comfortable retirees…. yet, still with modest tastes and an easy to manage home/lifestyle and have the freedom to do anything they want.

      • Anon

        You should checkout Mr. Money Mustache blog. It’s all about living simply and retiring early!

      • Anonymous

        My parents did the same. They got a lot of grief that they never moved out of their ~1200 square foot “starter” home, and at times I hated growing up in such a cramped space, but they paid off the mortgage before I started elementary school and they funded my education and all my hobbies growing up and have now enjoyed 20 years and counting of buying whatever they wanted, exotic travel, etc….

        • Simplicity

          Yup…. My parents are still in the starter home.

          I did not want as a child. We went to excellent public schools (yeah cheaper house in a great community!). I played the violin and played tons of sports and did any activity I wanted within reason. My mother made my birthday cakes from a box and we loved them (honestly, most bakery cakes are awful…..) and we had parties at the park or at the beach rather than renting a gymnastics facility for hundreds (thousands?) of dollars. I went to amazing summer programs.

          But again… my parents were not crazy and did not spoil us like many in our community. I did not live in designer clothes and the best of everything and cars when you turn 16 etc… Sure, I was a little envious of my friends that had this. But they taught us the value of money, and how to do more with less. We all worked part time in high school for spending money. They got us all computers when it was time because that was critical to our education. We all contributed to college, BUT I did go to my pricey private college (Stanford) with their help (with a combo of scholarship/loans/work-study) because it was a priority for them and I am so grateful for that.

          You really do teach your children so much by example. And sometimes “giving your children everything” that you didn’t have when you were a child, can lead to unexpected consequences…. and lifetime problems for your kids.

          And yes, I do like Mr. Money Mustache!

        • lucy stone

          My parents are the same way. I grew up in a 1500 sq ft starter home surrounded by McMansions. My parents helped with college but didn’t pay for it all. They now have their starter home and a retirement home paid off and split their time between the two. My dad just bought his dream car (a used Miata, but still, it’s his dream!). My dad retired at 60 and my mom will go at 65. Huge financial role models for me.

    • KT

      I did. I was working a pretty high pressure job that paid a lot but was really draining. To make the job feel “worth it” we splurged a lot-luxury home, tons of clothes and “things”, etc. But I found myself feeling like I was in my own golden handcuffs. I was so used to this very cost lifestyle, I couldn’t escape this job I really hated because I needed it’s obscene salary to maintain it. It came down to what my priorities were, and I decided I cared more about being home with my husband and not working 90 hours a week.

      We left the luxury home and rented a tiny little apartment–we sold most of our furniture that we didnt use every day, sold a lot of clothes/electronics, etc, and we stashed the money we saved on our apartment every month and used it build savings and get rid of student loans. In just a few months, we had gotten rid of all debt and built up a big emergency fund, which allowed me to quit my job and pursue work I was passionate about for a non-profit.

      I felt like downsizing gave me so much more freedom to pursue what I wanted.

    • anon for this

      We live in a small-ish house, 1800 sq ft but there are 5 of us, including 3 school aged kids.

      Small lot too, 35 by 100 ft.

      We love it, and we love love love our neighbourhood (pretty urban, I can walk to my job downtown in 45 minutes).

      Yes, there are days when I come in the door and there are backpacks everywhere, since hanging them up would require going downstairs, and we DO have an awful lot of rubbermaid tubs in the attic (which we are in an out of at least 6-8 times a year, getting Christmas decorations down, clothes we’ve stored from my older son for my younger son etc).

      My house has appreciated quite a bit, for a small, not so great house (about $750K) because of the awesome neighborhood and proximity to downtown, and we only have about $100K left on the morgate despite having reno’d the kitchen and re-doing the hardwood floors this year, among other things.

      I have friends with big houses (3000 sq feet) in the suburbs that are not worth as much, and have hour long commutes.

      The nice thing about this house is that DH and I won’t be rattling around in it when the kids are gone either.

      We’ll be done with the mortgage within 2 years and then we’ll bank the payments. We’ll be able to double our savings, which are already pretty good.

    • Senior Attorney

      When I left my marriage I moved from a nice house into a small condo in a great part of town. I fully expected I would love it and would end up buying a condo.

      Turned out I am not at all cut out for condo living. I hated having to carry groceries from the parking garage, I hated that there was no place for my friends to park when they came to visit, I hated sharing walls with the neighbors, and I hated not having outdoor space beyond a small balcony. This was a huge surprise to me and even living in the most fashionable part of downtown didn’t make up for not having a house.

      I’m now back in a (small) house and am so much happier.

      I’m all for downsizing but one can downsize without going from single family to multi family. And it’s a big change that you may or may not like.

      • Anonymous

        I’m with you. One door to the outside is very important to me. And I had crazy neighbors who would fight / have loud s-x all night long, so I am done sharing walls with people. I found a 2-BR house from the 50s. It doesn’t have a diswasher and the cabinets are metal, but I love it. I wish that there were still small houses (instead of just condos). It’s like an apartment carved out and put on a tiny piece of land.

    • Dulcinea

      No kids, but my bf and I choose to live in a much more modest home than we could afford because of the financial freedom and security it provides… We don’t quite have “f**k you money” but I calculated the other day that we could afford the home on a fraction of our incomes if we had to for some reason, which means we are able to save a lot and also enjoy things like international travel. The peace of mind that we are very very secure In our housing is priceless. Especially for me because my job involves helping people who are losing their homes, and I see every day the terror and despair that entails.

    • Anonymous

      OP here. Thank you for all your input and advice. It’s great to hear that others have tried and liked this lifestyle! Our current house is 3200 square feet, and still fairly close in to the city where we live. Home prices are insane her now, so it’s a little tough because even the small places are the same price as our current house was when we bought a few years back. But 3000+ square feet is WAY more than we need. I honestly don’t care what friends may think of our decision, and wouldn’t be friends with the kind of people who would judge me for it anyway! Definitely going to mull this over and see what might be possible in the next year or two. Slow and steady wins the race!

      • padi

        When I downsized from a 3/2 in the burbs to a 2/2 downtown, I didn’t actually save that much money. Because of location and a hot market, the condo was less than 20% cheaper than my house. And, because I decided to keep the proceeds from the house as an “I hate my job and must quit now” fund instead of rolling them into the new mortgage, my mortgage is actually about $225/month higher than my old mortgage.

        My biggest savings have been utilities and car costs. My HOA covers everything except electricity, TV, and phone (it does cover high speed Internet) at a ~25% lower cost than what I was paying in the house. I now walk for my commute and have been more able to take advantage of public transportation so I only drive my car ~1x/week for appointments, events, or errands that aren’t in walking distance, saving gas and maintenance (plus lower insurance premiums). I have thought about selling the car but I’d be break even using a zip car and, if I get a new job or stuff happens, I might need to drive daily again and I don’t want to have to buy a new car.

        Regarding renovations and repairs, I did spend a good amount on moving in: painting, replacing filters, updating to LED lights, towel bars, etc. I expect that cost to be ~$20/month going forward. In the house, I was averaging about $1000/month between big projects and small projects. I don’t foresee needing to remodel anything or do major updates for at least the next 5 years.

    • Amy H.

      You might enjoy checking out Sarah Susanka’s book, “The Not-So-Big House.”

  13. Anonymous

    What is on everyone’s Sephora VIB sale list? I have some Christmas presents to buy, but I want to treat myself also!

    • lawsuited

      The Bite Beauty Lipstick in Mauvember and the Becca Shimmery Skin Perfector holiday palette – it is so gorgeous I can’t even. And stocking up on my regular brow and face products.

    • also in boston

      I’m all about NARS for my concealer and tinted moisturizer this year (it just doesn’t settle into my newly found and loved fine wrinkles…). I want to try out a bright Bite lipstick too and also stock up on my Anastasia brow gel and pencil.

      • Anonymous

        It’s usually the middle of Nov? I haven’t gotten my VIB email yet, but I hear the Rouge VIB emails have gone out already

  14. tax planning in Chicagoland?

    Good morning hive – does anyone in the Chicagoland area (city or suburbs) have an accountant/tax planner/tax attorney whom you love? I’m a CPA so I’m financially literate but individual tax is not in my wheelhouse. Looking for some help to lower our tax burden (husband owns a side business, no kids yet, buying a home asap). TIA!

    • S

      I literally stopped someone on mass transit and asked her the brand of her purse b/c it looked so great. It was JW Hulme (but a different model).

    • Carine

      Hadn’t heard of these bags before, but holy gorgeous!! I LOVE that color and would never take it off.

    • MJ

      They’ve been featured on here before. Very good quality. Last years and years.

    • anon

      30-year-old 2L. On purpose–I was too old to wait any longer. If you can avoid it, do not get hyperemesis during first semester of your 2L year, especially if you are on a journal. And have a part-time job. And a long commute.

      • Anonymous

        30 doesn’t seem to be too old — was it just that it felt too old to you or is there a health concern at work in the background?

        • anon

          We had already been married for several years and READY for kids for a while, and the waiting was killing me. We also knew there would be fertility issues and didn’t want to compound those with age-related concerns.

      • Anonymous

        Ack, 30 is not too old to wait any longer. I know you might have wanted to get it started for personal reasons, but it is definitely not too old for women in general.

    • CHJ

      35.5. Other than seeing ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE written all over my chart, it was an easy and uneventful pregnancy.

    • Legally Brunette

      I was 33 (I had a previous miscarriage at 32). Personally, I’m really happy that I waited. DH and I had a lot of fun being married, went on lots of trips, I went to law school and kicked butt, and I just wasn’t ready in my 20s. I’m in awe of friends of mine who had their kids in their 20s. Good for them, but that’s wasn’t for me.

      • Anonymous

        I will add: I got pregnant the month after I got married and I got married very late. I wish I had had the luxury of time, but felt like I needed to have children then or never. I didn’t delay having children or put off getting married even.

        I work in finance and had my first child right after Lehman folded, so I wound not not being too busy during leave (and actually got to take it) but worried that I might never work again or see another deal again. Very white knuckle! So many people wound up back with their parents during that time. You never know what might happen. Despite your best plans, you may not be “ready” for what actually comes you way. No matter: you manage b/c you have to manage.

    • Midwest Mama

      I was 30. Just a couple months shy of my 31 birthday. I was a non-traditional law student and graduated when I was 29. So we waited to TTC until after I took the bar and started working.

    • AIMS

      I’ll be 34 when my first is born – which is closer and closer by the day.
      Honestly, I would have liked to have waited if age wasn’t a factor and if I knew for sure that I wouldn’t want more than one child. I’m thrilled to be pregnant and meet this little baby but I could also happily see myself taking a few more years to not be a mom and just enjoy my life, travelling, etc.
      Then again, I also look at some women who had kids much younger and in some ways they’re also lucky because they are still young now but their kids are older and more independent and they can really focus on their careers at this point without having to step back a bit to take leave, etc. There are many ways to do it, I guess.

    • CPA Lady

      30. It was a perfect age for me. I had my act together work-wise and had been married for a long enough time to feel like I’d had plenty of “just us” time.

    • OP

      I just wanted to mention that I’m not in law. Follow up question–how much household income did you have have when you decided to have your first? DH and I are in a HCOL and make around 160k combined. We already have a house, emergency savings, maxed out 401k, etc., but a part of me is worried that I’m not ready financially. At the same time, I know there is no absolute perfect time but you adjust and make it work.

      • Anon

        If you have a house, emergency savings, maxed-out 401Ks, and room in your budget for kid expenses, you are in a much better place than many new parents.

      • Wow

        400K in a HCOL. But, if things were different and we made a lot less, that wouldn’t have changed our decision. My grandparents had 9 kids on a very modest income and everyone turned out great. Yes, times have changed of course, but you don’t need to make a ton of money to have a child.

      • Anon

        We make a combined $140k in LCOL area. We have a house (owe about $210k on the mortgage) and a car loan of about $13k. We could probably be more ready, but you have to pull the trigger at some point.

      • Wordy

        I was 31, had just quit my job, and husband was making $50K.

        You’ll be fine.

      • Anon for $ Talk

        I had no paid leave (yay, America!) and husband worked retail, making about $40k, when we had our kid. I was 33. I had been earning about $65k at a boutique law firm in a moderately expensive city before I went on mat leave — I ended up not going back to that job. But we started stashing money away as soon as we knew I was pregnant (and converted our “maybe vacation?” account into a “serious savings” account), and we had a bank account with all our rent through the end of my mat “leave” (not really leave because I didn’t go back to my former job, but I had another job lined up for six months after the due date), and in another account enough to cover our out of pocket maximum for insurance (thank goodness for insurance through his retail job!) and general expenses to get us through until I started work again. It was surprisingly totally fine and comfortable. I hate that now, almost a year after having the kid, we’ve barely begun to rebuild our savings, but I have a good job so we’ll get there.

      • Anonymous

        I was 29. DH had just finished his MBA and was struggling to find a job. We had my income (90k) and his part time income (30k). He got a full time job offer the week before I had the baby, and so when baby was born our income was more like 200k. In rapid succession, i got a big promotion, then he did, then I got another one and now we have a 2 year old and our gross income (inc average bonuses) is about 350k.

        I will say that our single largest expense was daycare. we paid 2k/month. That was about the same as our mortgage at the time. We could not have paid for it on my salary alone, but minus daycare costs we could. We could have also, in less fortunate circumstances, moved out of our house and into something cheaper.

    • anon

      32, almost 33. We had hoped to have the first at 29 or 30 but ran into issues (fixable! yay) and then a miscarriage.

    • anon

      26, a few weeks after graduating law school.

      There’s no right answer, and there are pros and cons at all ages. I felt like I missed my 20s and now early 30s from three years of LS and then immediately having kids. There are times when I see pictures of friends’ awesome travel adventures, or even know that they are able to focus single-mindedly on work, and I get a bit grass-is-greener about the trade-offs. My life is pretty circumscribed right now while my kids are still young, but I look forward to my later 30s and even my 40s as a time when I can really crush it professionally (I have always worked FT but have taken long mat leaves). Having my relatively young parents develop an amazing relationship with their grandkids has been really, really wonderful; I had super easy pregnancy/birth/recoveries and no health concerns at any point; being done with career interruptions for kids relatively earlier is also great (I’m more fungible as a more junior person than I would be as a more senior one).

    • Senior Attorney

      27. I was in the first week of 2L and my husband was an elementary school teacher. In today’s dollars I’d say our household income was in the $60,000 range in the Los Angeles area. After I graduated our combined income, in today’s dollars, was still significantly less than the OP’s. We made it work. I’m really happy I had my child relatively young and wouldn’t change a thing.

      You know the old saying: If everybody waited to have children until they felt ready, nobody would ever have any children!

    • anon for this

      35, and had two more children after that.

      All three very uncomplicated easy pregnancies (other than having ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE plastered all over my charts, as another poster mentioned), easy recoveries etc.

      I will say it was harder (for me) to get pregnant over 40 than it was in my mid-30s. But I did, no assistive reproductive technology required.

  17. Loans

    I don’t see my comment so trying again and apologies if this double or triple-posts.

    We’re trying to get a mortgage. Wondering if we should change our re-p*yment plan for student lo*ns from 10 year to extended to lower our fixed monthly expenses on paper – anyone know if this is something that affects your credit negatively somehow? TIA.

    (PS: sorry for the *s, trying to avoid whatever is making my comments not show up).

  18. A from Boston

    I’m a little bothered by an incident that occurred before my alarm even went off. Someone’s car alarm went off in the parking lot behind the building, and within seconds, one of my neighbors was shouting out the window “SHUT THAT OFF! SHUT THAT OFF RIGHT NOW! SHUT THAT F*****G THING OFF!” I hurried to the window to make sure it wasn’t my car, because lord I did NOT want to be the target of that man’s anger, but it wasn’t mine. When the alarm was turned off and the owner started driving away the guy who was yelling said “when you get back here, I’m gonna kick your a**!”

    Now look, no one likes being woken up early by a car alarm, but we’re in the city, it happens! It’s not like the guy set it off on purpose to wake everyone up. Most of us, even if we’re tired, even if we’re sick, even if we have a baby, even if we’re having a bad week, deal with it like adults and only get mad if the alarm either sounds for a long time or keeps going off. We don’t threaten our neighbors over mistakes.

    So now I know there’s a man in my building with anger issues, which is just lovely because I’m terrified of angry men. And I don’t even know who it is, although I can guess based on where the yelling was coming from. It may be the same guy who once leaned on his horn and screamed “F*** YA MUTHA!” at someone, sounds like the same voice.

    And in general, it seems like there’s an uptick in men getting angry at strangers over little things. is anyone else noticing this? could it be the change in weather or something? or am I just more aware of it for some reason?

    • also in boston

      I don’t think there’s necessarily an uptick in my experience in 10 years of city living. People always get angry, and when you put tons of them into a densely populated city then you’re bound to see a lot of it. I’m not saying that you’re incorrect in wanting to avoid people who are yelling and upset but I think you might be overreacting a little bit – just avoid the guy and don’t engage, but I don’t think you should necessarily be actively afraid of someone yelling out their window. Even with all those yellers, the chance that someone will turn their anger into something actionable isn’t very high. I agree that decent humans wouldn’t yell that out their window but it’s not some totally inconceivable thing in a city and I don’t really think it’s worth the effort to get upset about (because then you would spend a lot of your daily life upset!).

      • A from Boston

        I went to Northeastern, so that’s 5 years in the city, and I’m on my 3rd lease cycle in my apartment, so I’m not exactly new to city living. It’s just not something I’ve ever encountered in my part of town.

    • Wow

      Any chance you live in South Boston? I encountered this type of nonsense when I lived there.

  19. Midwest Mama

    Any thoughts on the new “My RA” investment plan from the government? I/we make below the threshold level, and I’m wondering if it’s a better option than traditional investment methods.

    • Anonymous

      It depends on your situation and what you mean by better. Pros: can start with a very small amount of money, so good if you dont yet have thousands to invest; is really safe, you wont lose your investment. Cons: potentially much lower returns than other investments.

  20. law school lady

    Longtime lurker, but huge fan of this community. Need relationship advice. I’m currently in a long-distance relationship. I’m finishing up law school, my boyfriend works in a city. We plan on reconvening after I graduate. It’s been hard, but it’s actually worked out so far — we see each other often. He has always been very encouraging of my career goals and I honestly love him very much.

    I found out this morning that he’s on two dating sites. Both of them say that he’s looking for “friendship” (although is that really a thing? I wasn’t born yesterday). There’s not a ton of activity on either site, but there’s some that’s concerning. I talked to him about it briefly (there’s going to be an in-depth phone call today after I get out of class) and he swears up and down that he’s not seriously looking for someone else, it’s just curiosity or a kind of pornographic interest. But I’ve looked at his account and there are multiple “hey, what’s up” type messages initiated by him. Even worse, I found one message chain that seems to be setting up an meeting, which is just a giant red flag (I confronted him about this message in particular and he claims that he had no intention of ever meeting, that it was a kind of game).

    I don’t know what to do. In a strange way, I can understand — we met when we were fairly young, and we’re both each other’s first really serious relationship. But… this is bad, right?

    Advice, commiseration is much appreciated.

    • Anon

      Your boyfriend is looking for an in-person relationship (or he’s always found them) or a one-night stand. I don’t know what else you’re looking for…

    • cbackson

      Honey, you know this is bad. You know exactly what this means. It’s your decision, but I would not make career/life decisions around someone who is unfaithful to you (even if nothing physical has occurred, this is clearly outside the realm of what is acceptable in your relationship based on your post, and thus constitutes infidelity from my perspective).

      • JJ

        Agreed. I’m so sorry, but this is bad. If it were innocent and he was just looking for friends, why has he never mentioned it before?

        • Anon

          Not to mention the fact that, if he was just looking for friends, why look on a dating site? My SO and I are currently long distance (after many years together in the same city), and this happened to coincide with a lot of other friends moving away. Result = I was spending too much time alone. So I decided I needed to make new friends and have checked out a few group runs, a photography class, etc. All with my SO’s knowledge. Because that is how non-cheating adults make actual friends, not “friends”.

    • Senior Attorney

      Yes, this is bad. I would make other arrangements for after law school.

      I’m so sorry!

    • A from Boston

      I don’t blame you for being suspicious, those seem like huge red flags. There are so many ways to make friends without using a dating website. Either he’s seeking out romantic/sexual companionship, or maybe he’s already found that in other women during the LDR, OR he’s not intending to get involved with these women but he’s keeping an eye out for other options because he’s not super optimistic about the relationship he’s in. If he’s pulling this stuff, even if what he’s saying is technically true, I wouldn’t trust a man like this.

      Think about it, if you move in together, where will your mind go when he says he has to work late, or when he goes to the bar to meet friends but comes home hours after the bars in town have closed?

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Only you can decide what’s right for you, but personally I would dump him. I could see trying to work it out if you just discovered he was on the sites, but the fact that he has messaged people would be over the line for me. It also doesn’t sound like he’s being forthright with you now. Hugs.

    • I'm sorry

      Here’s the thing. I know several couples in happy, monogamous relationships who would never cheat and who are on Tinder. They’re on it because it’s a fun “game” to match with people and a nice ego boost to find out that someone else is attracted to them. They never actually meet anyone. The difference between their situations and yours is that in every case, both halves of the couple know about it and have from the beginning — it’s something fun they do together. As a person who is actually single I find it pretty gross/misleading/etc. to play with the emotions of single folks who are just trying to meet someone, but in terms of their relationship, hey, it seems to work for them. Likewise, I know people who are in long-distance relationships and in new cities alone trying to meet new people who have used OkCupid for that purpose, with the full knowledge of their significant others. I think it’s kind of misguided and there are other, better ways of making new friends, but again, it seems to work for them. Even taking this in the BEST possible light and assuming that your guy never planned on meeting someone (which, like other posters, I seriously doubt), the fact that he didn’t tell you about it is highly concerning, both because it suggests there is a lack of trust and honesty in your relationship, and also because it suggests that he was doing this for more than just an ego boost or to make new friends. The lying is a bigger red flag than anything else.

      • Anonymous

        Exactly. There are many ways a couple can deviate from what is normal and standard and still be happy, as long as a) they’re honest about what they’re doing and b) both partners are 100% on board with what’s happening.

      • Wow

        What, seriously? Married people joining Tinder as an “ego boost”? How juvenile and tacky.

      • Wildkitten

        I love playing Tindr but I just borrow (with permission) a phone from one of my single friends and swipe with their profiles. Swiping is fun, cheating is not.

      • OP

        This post is helpful. I’m pretty young (early 20s) and I know couples that are on Tinder or keep dating profiles up and deactivated with the permission of their partner. This behavior isn’t 100% unheard of among my set, but people are open with their partners.

        • cbackson

          I think you’re zeroing in on the key issue here – in my view, the “rules” of fidelity in a relationship are whatever the couple agree to, but you didn’t agree to this.

    • SuziStockbroker

      I am really sorry );

      Better to find out now though I guess rahter than when you are married with kids?

    • Anon for this

      Commiseration and advice here, both. I am in the middle of a divorce; our engagement and the first part of our marriage were long-distance. If I had paid better attention, I would have seen warning signs from back in those days that would have kept me from getting married in the first place. It was back before dating apps, but there were similar signs to what you describe. The moves toward infidelity were less troubling than the blatant lying, which has remained the pattern ever since. I’d recommend getting out now while it is (relatively) easy to do so. Best wishes and good luck to you.

    • another anon

      Just want to echo and agree with what others here have said, and I’m sorry that you are experiencing this!!

      The bright side is that you have learned this now, before actually making big changes or moves.

      My advice is to break it off with him now or soon.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      The writing is on the wall. You know what to do. Stop wasting time and energy on him.

    • Alli

      Your boyfriend has no intention of reconvening after you graduate. Regardless of the amount of activity on these dating sites, the fact that he is on there at all is all you need to know. He is looking for someone else, he is planning to (or has already) meet someone else in person, and he is probably already cheating. If he’s not already, he wants to.

      Also of great concern is his attempt to normalize this behavior. Do not believe a word he says. He is lying to you, is actively seeking other women, and is attempting to brainwash you into permitting it. Do not fall for it. Get out now.

      I would encourage you to reread your post and pretend it is a friend telling you this about her boyfriend. How would you advise her?

    • lost academic

      No. These are lies and they aren’t even halfway believable ones. Do not assume the behavior will change.

    • CountC

      Even if he has not yet physically cheated, he lied by omission IMO. I could not trust him again and would want nothing to do with someone who isn’t honest with me.

      I discovered a guy I was dating (not LDR) was on a dating site after we had said we would be exclusive and had set up a meeting with his parents, the whole nine. He swore up and down that he just was letting his subscription lapse, but I know it was because he was keeping his options open. Funny enough, after we broke up and he had a chance to see the other options for real, he decided I was better (because I am) and asked for a second chance. He STILL had a lame excuse for being on Match while we had been dating! Nah, sorry dude.

    • Anon

      (1) You need to break up with him.

      (2) You need to make an appointment to get tested for STDs (assuming you and he are active).

      I’m sorry. You’re worth so much more than this.

    • OP

      Clarification: he doesn’t claim that he’s looking for friendship, that’s what’s displayed on the accounts. For example, on OkC you can say what you’re looking for on the site (hookups, a relationship) and that’s what he has selected. (Not sure this makes a huge difference — just wanted to clarify for my own sanity, because if he gave that to me as an explanation, I can’t even imagine what my reaction would be, but the post would be even angrier).

      He says that this is just a kind of game, to see if people would message him and what they would say. I’m not claiming that that’s a better response.

      • lost academic

        Maybe he’s even telling himself that to justify why he’s on there, but I’m sorry – I don’t believe it for a second. Sure, it’s a game – and it’s not one you play when you’re in a relationship, full stop.

        • Pretty Primadonna

          I agree with this, unless the parties to the relationship are all okay with it. And here….they’re not.

      • lawsuited

        I assume from your intention to move to same city after law school to be together that your hope for the relationship is a lifelong relationship/marriage. And the thing is that during a lifelong relationship, there may well be times where one or both of you are bored or wants an ego boost or wants to know what else is out there, but hopefully your years of love, respect and friendship carry you through times like that and help you recommit to the life you’ve built together. So it’s really early days to be there already. I’m concerned that if your boyfriend is already looking at other options, there may not be enough there to carry you through the ins and outs of a lifelong relationship. I know it’s pretty old-fashioned, but I think at this stage you guys should still be feeling crazy about each other.

    • Jennifer

      My advice: get out now.

      I did LRD for a long time (4+ years) with someone who lived on another continent. It only worked because we were very open and honest about where we spent our time, who we spent our time with, and what we were looking for long term. We are now co-located since 4 years and married, and I now travel 4 days a week for work. I 100% trust him regarding infidelity and know that he feels the same, since we have already conquered the long distance issue and any trust-related aspects of life that goes with it. If I had ever or did ever find out he was on a relationship-seeking website or app, I would be gone tomorrow. Why waste your time with someone who isn’t completely devoted to you when there is very likely another man / men out there that would love to be with you and only you?

      And I second the person who recommended a visit to your ob/gyn for STD, if relevant to your relationship. Surprises are not a good thing in this aspect of your life.

      I’m sorry you are dealing with this – but you have a choice now to not deal with it again.

  21. Make Up Brush Bag?

    All – I currently use a roll bag for my make-up brushes (which were all procured separately – not as a set), but the clasp broke and since I travel a lot, I’d like to replace. Looking online, everything seems very sketchy or super expensive for what it is. Any recs?

  24. pdf

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