ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 162 Comments

Coffee Break: Antoinette Grand Pump

I was in the Cole Haan store recently and could not get over how flexible and lightweight these Antoinette heels are. Note that they're 4″ — but if you really want the height and you want a lightweight shoe, do give these a try. The size range is 5–11, and while Amazon has some in stock, Cole Haan is your best bet if you want more choices. The shoe is on sale there, from $400 to $199.95, in six colors. Antoinette Grand Pump Pssst: Check out our Guide to Comfortable Heels for other reader favorite brands! This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

162 Comments

  1. The ongoing thread about wearing all the clothes in your closet and donating items got me thinking. I’ve got a ton of stuff in my closet that objectively I know I should part with. It’s stuff I really have no plans on wearing and don’t even want to wear for one reason or another (too low-cut in a way that can’t be fixed, doesn’t fit and even if it did fit I just don’t like it that much anymore, etc.). For some reason I’m having a hard time getting rid of them though. Like I’m supposed to hang onto them long enough to be able to find a way to make it work somehow. That getting rid of them is wasteful. That I just need to save it for the right time and then I’ll be glad I still have it.

    Any tips for getting over this mental block? How are you all doing it?

    1. Just do it!

      Have you read Marie Kondo’s book? What’s it called? The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. It’ll have you getting rid of stuff right and left!

      1. Yep. I really liked the part about acknowledging what an item meant for you and then letting it go, physically and emotionally. It’s kind of woo-woo and silly, but it helped me toss stuff.

        The book in general is fantastic for organizing your life.

        1. Someone on here recommended “The Hoarder in You” which I actually found even more helpful than Kondo’s book. Don’t let the title scare you. As someone with a strong emotional connection to possessions, I really found this helpful in learning to part with possessions.

    2. I try to be honest and realistic with myself: if I was going to make it work, I already would have. If there was a “right time” to wear it, I already would have. I do feel wasteful sometimes, but I think if you donate them to Goodwill, people can buy them who otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford some of the things you are donating– and that makes me feel better. Marie Kondo says it’s not wasteful because the item has served its purpose, even if its purpose was to teach you that you do not need the item (and that keeps you from buying items like it in the future). Also, life is too short to wear clothes you don’t want to wear!

    3. I try to put it away into a separate bag/space. Getting it out of my immediate view and placing it in stasis for 3-6 months makes it easier for me to reevaluate it objectively when I make my next trip to the thrift store for whether I’m ok with parting it. Somehow not seeing it on a regular basis helps, and I part with it a bit easier.

      2. Me too- for me, it’s more that I don’t run to Goodwill often enough and end up having a huge box of stuff collected over a few months; I go through it and realize that no, I didn’t miss the badly-fitting linen shirt I was sure I would love, or the too-tight henley shirts that make me look pregnant. And to Goodwill they go.

    4. Put a bag in front of your closet and be ruthless about throwing in giveaway stuff. Let it sit there for a couple of days, even weeks. Once you realize you don’t miss it at all (and that you keep adding more stuff and the bag is full), it will be easy to get it out the door and give it away.

    5. What I’ve done is put the clothes somewhere super inconvenient, like in an airtight container in the walkout basement. I tell myself, “you absolutely don’t have to get rid of this; you can take it out anytime you want.” Then six months pass, I’m cleaning out the basement, I find all these things I put “in purgatory,” and it’s so much easier to get rid of them. OR once or twice I’ve gone into that stash because I wanted to wear maroon pants one day and once I wanted to wear them once, they went back into regular rotation. I will admit that I keep more things than I should in my old sizes for “when I lose weight,” but I’ve made peace with that.

      1. This is exactly what I’ve done. Now that I’ve lost some of the weight, I’ve pulled them out and trying to reassess again. I’ve found that even though these items may technically fit again, I still don’t want to wear them for one reason or another. I’ve just been putting them back in storage, as if something is going to change. I guess I just need to get rid of all of it, but it’s hard.

    6. I call these items my “closet art.” They just hang there and look pretty! Don’t think of getting rid of them as wasteful. Wasteful is the dress sitting there doing nothing. By donating it or dropping it off at a used clothing store, you’re making it useful again because someone else will hopefully love it!

      At least this is what I tell myself. Because my little museum, so to speak, can only display so much art.

    7. I think about how happy someone else will be to discover a piece of nice clothing at the thrift store and how it will be so much more useful in someone else’s closet who maybe couldn’t afford to buy it at full price. And I also remind myself how happy I will be when I have a big tax deduction at the end of the year from all the things I donated.

      1. $14.97 for a brand new, with tags Amanda & Chelsea skirt @ Goodwill the other day. To whoever bought it and realized that no, they couldn’t pull off tropical print, I love you. I got compliments like crazy on it at work yesterday!

      2. Yes, this. As someone whose family relied on thrift store finds growing up– the feeling of finding something of good quality, that fits, that feels special, is so rare and really important. When I’m wavering on giving something away (or even selling it secondhand myself), I imagine the person who’s going to be psyched to buy it at a great price.

      3. I’m really good at getting rid of stuff except that which was ‘pricey.’ I’ve had piles in bins for so long to be sent to concession, but you’ve inspired me to send them to the Salvation Army. Perception altered, amazing. Thank you!!

    8. Seconding the KonMarie tips. 1) make piles: love, meh, get rid of asap (sounds like you’ve already done this). 2) give yourself a set amount of time to wear things. If you haven’t worn them in this amount of time (for me it’s 7 days) you’re probably not going to – put in a bag and donate. 3) If you’ve done 1 & 2 and still have things to get rid of, try putting them away for a while. Then it’s a treat when you find them and if you’re still feeling meh you can get rid of them! I totally get it. I actually just bought a pair of (final sale) pants that don’t fit and I’m struggling to donate them because of “someday” but I know that’s never going to happen. Sometimes what helps me is to remember when I was underemployed and shopping for work wear at Goodwill – I’d find clothing with the tags still on and think “who would donate these??” but then I’d be really grateful that I could have nice stuff too! Your donations help people – maybe that can be your motivation?

    9. In addition to my thrift store comment above, I wanted to add: part of the difficulty for me in letting things go is feeling like if I give it away or sell it, I’m admitting that I failed in buying it in the first place. Holding on to something in my closet is often a way of justifying that purchase to myself. I don’t want to admit that it just isn’t my color or doesn’t fit right. For some reason, I wind up with a lot of guilt bound up in things I bought but wound up not loving.

      So, I’ve started actively working on forgiving whatever past version of myself bought that item. It wasn’t a mistake– I wore it X number of times, I learned that Y shape doesn’t work on me, I learned that I like stripes so much that I could find something similar but even better. It’s sort of like thanking your clothes a la Kondo, but really I’m thanking past me and letting go of whatever guilt I have about the purchase.

      2. In a similar vein, I’ve redefined the goal. My goal is to look good every day with limited effort. I will have experiments that fail along the way, and that’s fine. The point is to focus on the end result.

    10. Thanks all. This has given me plenty to think about, and the extra push I needed to finally read that darn book. It’s on hold for me at the library as we speak.

    11. I wonder if it would be a good idea to have a FB group or email listserv going of stuff we have that we’d give/sell away to other e t t e s. Sure, we can do it informally one by one, but maybe a buy-nothing type group for us? If we set it up on FB, messenger allows for payments and people could decide if they wanted to sell it, give it away and ask for shipping costs, or give it away and pay for shipping themselves. Might make it easier to get rid of some of these pieces we all know and love and were sure would TOTALLY work if we knew it was going to someone who was going to rock it as an overachieving chick!

        1. As someone who wears plus-size 30/32 business attire, I’d give my eye teeth to have the opportunity to trade or buy more professional clothes in this size.

      2. I would also do this. Alternatively, I sell a ton of stuff on Poshmark and would be more than happy to share my link and accept lowball offers from anyone who tells me they are a r e t t e.

      3. When I moved recently I contacted some new to the area kids to see if they wanted my old stuff and it made me feel so much better about getting rid of (for free) things that were technically of value, but that I needed to get rid of.

        1. Definitely! We had a bookshelf we were replacing and decided to put it up on the local community facebook page for a day or two before taking it to the recycling centre. A neighbour came by an hour later (bearing a bottle of wine which was unnecessary but a lovely gesture) and sent us a photo a few hours after that of it set up in his kid’s room. Made us feel good!

      4. I’ll set it up but it probably won’t be for a few days. Don’t necessarily want to out myself by making it…so I’ll figure that out.

    12. Trying to wear them should be the first step.

      Then if you feel great wearing the item, that’s great! If you feel awful in it, then you have your answer.

      Life is too short to wear things that make you feel bad/ don’t fit / don’t flatter. Pass it on to someone who will love it.

  2. Prices aside, I kind of don’t get all the schadenfreude around Whole Foods failing and being acquired. (And yes, I know the prices aren’t great.) I’m surprised because I thought there would be a large enough niche market of people like myself who aren’t that price sensitive for food and want an easy, well-curated selection of smaller brands in a nice atmosphere. I’m going to continue shopping there, but really wish I had an alternative now since I would rather not have everything I buy come from Amazon.

    1. Huh? People are saying WF failed? From a finance perspective it is a strategic acquisition for Amazon — it is not a turnaround bid where they would try to buy a failing company to improve it.

      1. The news analysis has been that WF has been doing poorly compared to the other grocery chains and were having problems with activist shareholders as a result. Supposedly, the CEO was looking for a way out. Then there’s the hot-take blogosphere commentary about how obviously WF’s high priced grocery model was going to fail.

      2. So I don’t think they necessarily failed – the concept and vision behind WF from a differentiation perspective was very smart. I don’t know anyone personally that advised on the transaction, but my understanding was that WF had difficulties managing their supply chain and had higher prices on the same items to other large grocery store chains. I think it became harder as more and more major chains started carrying a larger SKU base of organic / local etc. products for WF to justify their prices. Then there was the whole bad press around defrauding customers with incorrect item weights in a variety of NYC WF stores which came at an inopportune time for WF.

        I actually think this is a sense making transaction. Amazon is strong where WF is weak (supply chain, cost management, appealing to a wider and more diverse section of the population) and the acquisition of WF coupled with other initiatives like discounted prime memberships for people on public assistance should help Amazon take on grocery behemoth Walmart (#1 food provider in the US)

        1. Also Jana partners (the activist who owned ~8% of WF shares pre merger) was advocating HARD for a deal due to WF repeated inability to rein in costs

    2. An acquisition is rarely a failure – it’s a goal for most companies. I don’t think it’ll change anything in the actual stores.

      1. Well, except for the treatment of the workers, which I 100% expect to change — and not for the better. Amazon is hardly an example to look to in this regard.

    3. I had the same question — hadn’t heard about “failing.” The quasi-inside scoop (almost definitely not actually inside-y) is that WF has been automating jobs out of existence a ton in the past 5 years or so, so maybe this acquisition makes perfect sense. On a personal level, I’ll be disappointed if it just becomes like an expensive warehouse for food, because I liked getting advice from WF employees who were really into food. (And they’re opening a new one near my house and I was looking forward to having a grocery option where maybe I could get everything from one store!)

      1. I hope it doesn’t become a warehouse either! I will really miss the curation of all the independent brands and local farms/brands. There’s no way I would have discovered some of my favorite snacks otherwise. In my experience, the only thing I couldn’t get from there was serious cleaning products (like 409) because everything in that aisle was green…which is great, but sometimes I just want bleach!

  3. Anxious perfectionists, how do you deal with bothersome, repetitive fears that you know aren’t likely? E.g., that you’re going to get fired from your job or that your significant other is going to leave you, even though you have no indication that either will happen?

    I’m on meds and I’ve been in therapy before, I just struggle sometimes (maybe a few days every 6-8 weeks?) with days of unrelenting doubt. For example, this weekend I made a cherry pie for my boyfriend’s father for Father’s Day. I’m known to be a great baker and this pie was only so-so. I beat myself up over it for an exhausting 24 hours where I just could not shut my mind up about it. (It finally went away when I found a new recipe to try next time.) Just now, I received an email from my boss about an email I sent to a client. He said, “Hey, let’s not mention X next time, ok?” He’s always measured, even when he’s upset, so I don’t know how big of a deal this is or isn’t. My boyfriend says I love you daily and is always making long-term plans, so I have no reason to worry, but I do.

    I just want my mind to give it a rest. CBT techniques are great for talking back, but they don’t stop the anxious thoughts from forming in the first place and they don’t stop them from coming back hour after hour until they die down from distraction/solution. I just wish my mind would hush and I could relax.

    1. I am working through a workbook called Ten Days to Self Esteem, which is cornyAF, but if I just buckle down I think it will work. It sounds like some of our mental habits are similar. One thing I think about is yeah, CBT right now is for shutting it down / talking back, but soon we’ll have developed better habits/reflexes, so instead of it going: bad thing -> mean self talk -> CBT thinking -> reasonable response … it’ll just be: bad thing -> reasonable response.

      Won’t that be great?!

      1. I bought that book but haven’t cracked it open yet. I should do that…

      2. Of course, today I screwed up (I think??? still cannot understand???) on something I always screw up on and the instinct to (1) quit my job; (2) maybe offer to not draw a salary to make up for the mistake if indeed it is a mistake???; or (3) hide under my desk is still strong so… more therapy for me.

    2. Have you tried the meditation app headspace? I’m currently in therapy too for anxious thoughts. Headspace has helped me realize I can’t stop the anxious thoughts and the more I try to stop them, the more painful they will be. I just have to accept them and note them.

      I’ve also tried journaling every morning for 5 minutes whatever I want to talk about. I’ve found that I feel better when my family / friends / therapist listens to me so maybe I need to start listening to myself more. Lately when I’m feeling anxious I mentally tell myself “I know, that’s tough. I hear you.”

      Hugs. Anxiety is no fun.

    3. I’m sorry. How long have you been on meds? How long have you been on the same med routine? It might be time for a bump in dosage or a change, if you anxiety is impacting your life that much.

    4. Any chance you are–on top of beating yourself up for whatever imperfect thing you did–also beating yourself up for obsessing over it? Because my cycle is “upset because I’m not perfect” –> “upset because I’m upset because I’m not perfect”.

      If you’re getting to step two, I’d start by trying to eliminate the part where you beat yourself up for having not kicked your anxiety/self-doubt. Later, you can maybe get to the level where you don’t care that the pie you baked is so-so. For now, I’d focus on not caring that you care that much.

      Hoping that made sense, and apologies if that’s not your self-doubt cycle. I’m just seeing myself in what you’re describing (and my weekend too actually).

    5. So what worked for me and what I walked/talked through with my therapist and then practiced whenever I needed it was going down the, what’s the worst that can happen path . . . I know that sounds like it could be scary, but it ended up not being so.

      For example, what’s the worst that can happen if your bf’s father thought your pie was so-so? He won’t ask you to bake another one? He thinks your pie is so-so? He forgets about the pie 10 minutes later because that’s what most people do? See, really nothing bad here at all.

      What’s the worst that can happen if your boyfriend somehow out of the blue were to break up with you? You would be sad and heartbroken and it would be awful for a while, but then you would be okay. I’ve been there, I’ve thought it was the worst thing ever, but then it always turns out okay. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, but just like any other thing that happens in life, you take it as it comes and then you work through it and you are okay.

      At the end of the day, none of the what ifs/worst things were the things I was actually worried about, it came down to me thinking I was letting other people down, that I wasn’t good enough and that XYZ was an example of that, etc. Turns out, most people DGAF and no one holds me to standards anywhere near what I was holding myself to. I bet your boyfriend’s dad was super happy you made him a pie AT ALL. I bet your boss forgot about the thing shortly after the email was sent because in the boss’s mind it was taken care of with his email. I bet that your boyfriend loves you just like he says he does and that he thinks you are fab.

      Hugs to you. I know exactly how you feel. That was my life for many years. It can get better, I promise. Therapy, medication, meditation, and acceptance of myself and realizing that no one expected me to be perfect and I have never been perfect and the world keeps on spinning and I am okay. I am okay!

      1. Thank you, everyone.

        CountC, you and Senior Attorney are two of the women on this board who helped me go to therapy in the first place a couple years ago. Your kind words have helped over and over again. Thank you.

        I did play the What’s The Worst game with the pie…and I got scared when, like you said, it wasn’t about the pie at all, but about self-esteem and being good enough. (And it’s telling that I finally got my mind to hush about the pie when I *found another way to re-earn approval* with a better recipe.) And then, like anonymous said, I got mad at myself for not having enough self-esteem to realize IT’S JUST A PIE. (Like, really, Self, it’s a pie. Get a grip, k?) And then I went into this whole spiral about well maybe everything I do in life is about just getting someone to tell me I’m good enough and maybe I volunteer/make pies/host family gatherings all because I’m just desperate inside to know that I’m good enough. And then, crap, the realization that Things Aren’t Under Control Anymore and I need to find a new therapist and start again. Sigh.

        1. I hope you’re still reading so I can give you an internet hug!!

          If it’s any comfort, I graduated from therapy to great fanfare a while back and I have the most lovely husband in the whole wide world who adores me and thinks I’m the bees knees, and this morning I awoke in the wee hours in the grip of All The Mad Anxieties About Everything. It happens. Be kind to your sweet self!

    6. Everyone, thank you so much. And thanks to CountC especially – you’ve helped me many times over the years, including getting me to go to therapy in the first place.

      It appears my other reply got eaten, but everyone’s comments rang true for me. I got a little choked up at the truth in anonymous @ 3:19’s and CountC’s words, so I just left a VM for my former therapist to see if she can refer me to someone (her schedule and mine didn’t work when I got a new job and moved to a different part of town). Naturally my perfectionist self is disappointed that I need to go back to therapy – probably all the more proof that I need to go back, ha! ;)

      Thanks, ladies. This board has done me such a world of good over the years <3

      1. Oh my gosh, you’re so very welcome! You’ve got this.

        If you are comfortable with it, I’m more than happy to chat over email or more. I know how this feels and it’s agonizing, but I promise you it can get better. Lizzyhicken01 at gmail dot com.

      2. Yay! So impressed you’re getting the therapy ball rolling. That takes a lot of strength and bravery, but of course once you find the right person, it will be 100% worth it!

  4. There have been some conversations about emotional labor on here lately that I’ve found really interesting, but I’m having kind of the reverse problem. I used to be the one who handled all of the gifts for birthdays/father’s day/mother’s day/etc. and kept in touch with the extended family, but now I’m no longer in that role. I think I just started to lose track and the other person (sibling in this case, not SO) picked up the slack in my absence. While objectively I appreciate not having the full burden, I’m weirdly a little sad that I’m no longer the Supreme Authority on keeping up with special occasions. Has anyone else experienced this? Did you work to get back the reins or just let the other person take a turn at handling this stuff?

    1. I can’t help with the feelings about no longer being in that role, but I am dying to know how you divested yourself of it.

      1. Yup me too. I do all of it for my family and I’m tired of it. But my sister gets mad if I don’t include her so I feel bad and do it anyways.

      2. I’m honestly not sure how I did it. I dropped the ball on Father’s Day and panicked, only to find out that everything had been taken care of with my presumed contribution included. The conversation was basically “We thought this sounded like a great gift that you would approve of. Just venmo us your share.” And they were right- it was exactly something I would have picked out myself!
        Then it happened again this week with a different special occasion. I panic-texted a sibling to remind them that they need to send a gift and they replied that they had already mailed their gift but here is another idea in case I was still looking for something to send. I guess it’s nice to know that when my life gets crazy everything doesn’t totally fall by the wayside and I should just be grateful!

    2. Why can’t both you and your sibling keep in touch with relatives and buy/give gifts? It doesn’t have to be either /or.

      1. We like to coordinate gifts for financial reasons, it just used to be that “coordinate gifts” meant I decide on a gift and buy it and sibling sends me half the cost. For keeping in touch, it would ideally be both of us as well, it just doesn’t always happen that way.

  5. Question about how much home you can afford.

    We found a home we like but the price is higher than we initially thought we’d end at. We are in the suburbs of Chicago and while the city is selling hot, the suburb market is soft, often with houses dropping 100-200k from original list to close. This home is a new construction and new on the market so it hasn’t experienced the characteristic price drops yet. We told our agent what our range was and she put our search a little higher, I assumed because she understood the prices have been dropping, although maybe she regards new construction differently.

    The rub is that technically we can afford it, so this is a matter of comfort and … sometimes I guess I just need to talk to someone who has been adulting for longer and I can only talk to one other person about money who isn’t my husband. So we can pay the mortgage (tax and insurance included) with my husband’s bi-monthly paycheck with some change left over. (That is after-tax, after retirement, etc.) That means we have his other paycheck for the month as well as my two per month and my bonus and his bonus- which in finance is large. We have no debt and will have plenty of savings left over after the down payment, too.

    He knows we can pay this mortgage comfortably and have plenty of assets remaining, but … I worry. We are newly married and hope for kids soon, but don’t have any yet. My father died unexpectedly when I was a child so I think in the back of my mind, that is always a fear. I would not have nearly as much cushion paying our mortgage if something were to happen to my husband or his job. So I play it out in my head: if something happened to him, we would still have plenty of assets to pay for a couple of months and presumably I would try to sell the house and move somewhere with our kids that we could be able to more comfortably afford while being able to save. OR maybe by the time we have kids my paycheck is growing, too, and we would be able to stay put and feel comfortable about it.

    I’m not sure what I’m asking for. I guess I’m wondering if I should be worrying this much about stuff. I think even if we waited it out and the price went down or we found a cheaper house, I would still be worried about this ability to pay for the house entirely myself. But surely this is not a worry everyone has? And this is why you have savings for a rainy day for job loss or tragedy?

    1. This is why you have life insurance. Presumably you and your husband are young and healthy. You can get a million dollar, term life policy for relatively cheap. Buy yourself that peace of mind. It sounds like you can afford the house you want and if your husband dies, life insurance can pay it off.

      1. Seconding life insurance in the case of one of your deaths.

        Do you have an emergency fund of 6 mos of your expenses in case you/spouse lose your job, after the down payment (ideally 20%)?

        Do you have medical insurance and ST disability in case of LT medical issues?

        If so, you’re probably in decent shape.

    2. It’s perfectly ok to not be *comfortable* with the price of a house! Just because you can mathematically afford it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to buy it. If you want a cheaper house or less house, do that! There’s always so much when it comes to housing about buying more (whether that’s sq ft or price or neighborhood). It’s ok to say that you can mathematically afford something but not feel comfortable with it.

      1. Yep. Also second (or third) all of the recommendations for life insurance + disability insurance + emergency fund.

      2. Yeah, this. The place we bought was about half the price of what various calculators said we could “afford.” We were simply not comfortable taking on that much debt and not being able to save meaningfully.

    3. Could you pay for the mortgage/house costs with just your paycheck? That was a big relief for us when we figured out that either of us could cover the mortgage on our own (although very different amounts left over).

      Another thing I would suggest to put your mind regardless of what you buy is to get term life insurance for roughly the length of your mortgage and get enough to pay off the house in one go if something horrible happens. You could obviously get terminal insurance too, but term is pretty cheap if you’re in your late 20s/early 30s.

    4. You mention that you could pay for your mortgage on half of your husband’s paycheck. Are your incomes very far apart? What happens if he loses his job? Can you afford the house if only you are employed? Do you have 6 months of emergency savings?

      1. OP here –

        Yes, we could afford our mortgage on my paycheck if he lost his job. In my head, I am thinking of it backwards, as in, “I wouldn’t buy this house if it were just me” but of course that’s not the question because it isn’t just for me but for my husband and hopefully our kids. We have more than 6 months of emergency savings; we probably have 4-5 years’ worth of it. Both of us have medical insurance and our employers have short-term disability (which I will probably need because as of yet my company doesn’t pay maternity). We are newly married and have been talking about life insurance; this has been helpful and I think something we will move forward with. I recognize this is an anxiety and that I am acutely aware for THE WORST because it already happened to me, which is why I try to plan for it.

        1. Buy the house. You can’t prepare for absolutely everything in life but you are well prepared and you will be okay.

          1. Thank you for this. I am a worryer and it’s amazing how comforting someone saying “you will be okay” feels.

          2. Honestly, yes. You’ll be fine. Even if something unforeseen happens, the worst is that you have to sell the house, downsize, move somewhere cheaper, rent. Then you’ll regroup and move on to rebuilding the next stage of your life. And you can do that. People do it all the time and are just fine. People live on far, far less income than you and your husband earn, and they are just fine.

        2. LT disability. That is the uncovered contingency in your financial picture, and what has not been explicitly addressed above. It is expensive, but you can afford it, so it is worth looking into.

          1. OP here – is that something purchased from an insurance company like life insurance? I don’t believe it is covered by my employer but may be covered by his.

          2. Yes. Some employers do provide it, or provide the opportunity to purchase it through a group plan, but if neither of yours does, you can buy it independently through an insurance carrier. For me, it would be important to have portable coverage if I did buy through my employer, since the insured can run into issues of having to take a medical exam and having exclusions in the policy for pre-existing conditions, much like health insurance, if she has to start over due to a change of employer. Also, I carry “own occupation” insurance, which means I can receive benefits if I am unable to perform my occupation, rather than just “any” occupation. Ask a lot of questions/do some research because this is expensive coverage with a lot of variables. I personally get a lot of peace of mind from having it, though, particularly as a single person with a sibling “occupied” in the arts and an able-bodied, retired mother who said she would not expect to take care of me if I, say, got disabled after being hit by a bus.

          3. You can purchase it from an insurance company like you would your term life. I have a policy, as does my husband. His is through work, mine is not.

    5. My SO and I pay a mortgage and housing costs that are below 15% of our gross pay, and we are JUST comfortable with that, emotionally, because we want to put tons of money towards various savings goals, retirement, student loans, and travel. Just because some calculator tells you an amount you can “afford” doesn’t mean you have to spend that. You have permission to spend the amount you want on your house.

      That said, you sound like you’re worrying a lot. Absolutely get life insurance. Do the math and walk through the various scenarios with your husband. What if (god forbid) you died? Would he keep the house? What if one of your lost your jobs? Having a plan, even if it’s not ideal, may help you feel some relief. And if you prefer the entirety of your fixed costs to be able to be covered by one person’s salary, with living expenses left over, do that. It will mean a lot of compromise on your house, likely, but it can be done.

    6. I am saving for a 3 BR 3BATH with a wrap around balacony on the Upper West Side. You would NOT beleive how much new construction is in NYC! Dad says he could have bought 5 nice houses on LI a few years ago with the money he is thinking of spending on my new apartement. As a result, I am NOT goeing out to eat more then once a week, and then only to a nice diner, deli or an Italian place on 2nd Avenue. Also, Dad says no new clotheing that is not firm reimburseable @ 50% — FOOEY b/c that means I buy all my own Nikes and causal Jeans!

      But as long as I am NOT married, it is just me against the world, with Dad’s help at least. He said if I had a husband like Ed, he could move to North Carolina already, but I know he would miss the kids and would NOT move after all. He had a professorship lined up down there, but he decided to let it go b/c there is some assistant dean down there he does NOT really get along with. He told me they were both goieng after the same woman back in the 1970’s! Can you imagine Dad competing with an assistant dean? OMG! I am not sure who that was or what happened to her, but he is still mad about that!

      Anyway, I hope the Hive is doeing well. I have been way to busy these days. If I had a husband, I would NOT be doeing these insane hours. FOOEY!

  6. Pride at Work?

    I’ve seen a few things – basically on FB – of employees at huge companies (Google, etc.) appreciating their employer’s recognition of Pride. It made me wonder if any non-gigantic employers recognize pride month in any particular way — and if it’s your employer, how do you feel about it?

    1. For further info, I guess on the one hand I am not sure that a quiet, non-PR-seeking employer should/needs to (???) do anything, but on the other hand I do really like the idea of an employer communicating explicitly that everyone is welcome and supported… thoughts?

    2. My firm does not do anything specific but really does not recognize any type of holiday at all. We have had gay lawyers and staff and everyone has felt welcomed and included at our “Family Day” activities (and I have asked multiple people about it over the years). We are a pretty medium boutique of 24 lawyers plus staff of another maybe 50.

    3. My academic medical center is prominently featuring a “Pride at (Hospital Name)” article on its intranet. It’s a large employer in a major market, but not a giant employer. It fits perfectly with the mission of the organization to be culturally sensitive and welcoming to all, and makes me happy to work here.

      1. I like this! (In case it isn’t obvious, I’m contemplating suggesting something to my employer, but trying to gauge what might make sense.)

        1. My fortune 500 similarly includes lots of personal stories on the intranet through the whole month.

    4. My large law firm sends out emails at the beginning of the month acknowledging it’s Pride month and acknowledging the firm supports it. We had a few events – lunch and learns with speakers from LGBTQ organizations, rainbow swag giveaways.

      I really appreciate it. Even if it’s just lip service, it is a least a step in the right direction!

      1. Yeah, this. They also facilitate a group to march in the pride parade and get T-shirts made with our firm name in rainbow colors for those marching to wear.

    5. My old employer (a giant one) had a Pride group and events, similar to our Women’s group. I think I got a free mug once.

  7. Apologies for the novel. TL:DR–anybody feel like the forgotten sibling in their family because you are childless, but a sibling has kids? That you are a complete and utter afterthought in the eyes of your parents? Just me?

    My brother and I live on the East Coast—me in Northern City, he in Southern City. He has two kids, five and three. My parents live on the West Coast, and so my brother and his family have never visited them, mostly because the kids were too rambunctious to travel.

    Over the past few years, because my brother’s family did not want to/could not travel, we have done many holidays at my brother’s house. I usually find out this out pretty close to the last minute, and then am guilted into “You’re not going to spend Important Holiday Alone! You need to come to Southern City!” and have to pay really high prices. I do ask earlier than the last minute what the plans are for Important Holiday, but am always told that my parents have not yet heard from Brother and SIL, so they don’t know and don’t want to impose.

    Also, my parents will give me almost no notice and say, “We are traveling to Southern city _next week_ to babysit for Brother and SIL while they travel. You should come down!” Well, by the time, they give me notice, round trip tickets are usually 2.5x the normal price, usually around $400, and I can usually not take time off work with only a week’s notice, so I pay $400 to be in Southern City for 36 hours. My parents have never ever come to visit me in Northern City, in the four years I’ve lived here, but they travel to see the grandkids several times per year. (I’ve invited them!)

    I just found out that my parents are paying for my brother and his family to come to West Coast for ten days in August. My parents said, “I mean, you could come, but we don’t really have much room, and we thought you couldn’t get time off work. And we’re not ‘not inviting’ you, but…it might be a lot of people in the house.”

    I am just so peeved about all of this! I don’t know how to articulate to my parents that I feel left out of my own family and hurt by their actions. I want to “presume good intentions” but this has happened SO OFTEN over the past five years that I am at my wit’s end. There’s a rational part of me that says, “This isn’t about you! They are just scheduling with brother!” but then there’s an irrational side that says, “Time and again, they only remember to include me as an afterthought.”

    Side note: My brother is generally a complete and awful brother to me—hostile and mean, whenever I visit, even though I am gracious and never ever say a word about anything. I am a model sister/aunt/daughter, and he’s got all this weird pent-up anger at me, from something stemming from our childhood. UGH. /endrant.

    1. Holidays – ok I can see why you’d go bc you don’t want to be alone. But you’re not required to go visit your parents in your brother’s home every time they are there to babysit; nor are you required to visit your parents when your bro and his family are visiting. Why can’t you schedule to fly out to them at a later time when your brother won’t be there so you wont’ be sitting there playing 2nd fiddle to a 5 yr old?

    2. With regards to holiday planning, it might help to start an email chain with both parents, B, SIL, and your SO (if applicable) a couple months in advance to start queuing up plans. It’s so much easier than phone tag and when you include everyone’s email addresses, then no one is left in the dark. It’s also a great way to offer to host in your city.

    3. Time to stop accommodating them. There is a phrase that is helpful when dealing with unreasonable family members: What you allow will continue. You have allowed them to treat you like a forgettable, expendable member of the family. Enough is enough. Don’t spend extra money and effort to visit a brother you don’t even get along with!

      1. +1. I am in a similar, but not identical situation. My brother has a new daughter. I get along with him and his wife. I do not get along with my mother, who is still married to my father (whom I adore).

        My parents have definitely, since my SIL announced she was pregnant, basically forgotten about me (and I anticipate it will stay this way, because I do not plan to have children).

        I schedule time to see my brother and sister-in-law and niece, but do not even attempt to work around my parents’ schedule, as they cannot be bothered to try to give me notice of when they are going to visit or take my work considerations (or my husband’s) into account.

        At some point, the thing you have to do is let go of the things you can’t control, and stop spending time around people who actively make you loony/less joyful. Even if they are your family members.

        After visiting my brother with my parents at Christmas last year, where my mother acted like a complete and utter jerk, my husband and I have decided that we will not be visiting my parents for major holidays. If we end up visiting brother and parents tag along, we will stay in a hotel so I can get distance.

    4. I can relate for holidays. We are constantly working around the schedules of those who have kids.

      One thing I noticed was that you ask your parents early, and that they haven’t heard and don’t want to impose on your brother/SIL. What is your relationship like with your brother? Can you be straightforward with him and explain that you need to know in advance so you aren’t booking last minute travel?

    5. I’m at anon at 3:26. Reading more carefully, I see that you don’t get along with your brother. Can you reach out to your SIL?

    6. All of this holiday stuff is complete and utter garbage. I seriously cannot understand why a family being together on a holiday is so much more important than being together on some other random day. If it were the holiday scenario I’d say, “hey family, it’s really tough for me to make holiday travel plans on this short of notice. Can we plan an all-family get together sometime in February? I know I could make it then. I know it might not be as special as Christmas, but I would love to spend some time with everyone.”

    7. I agree with the other comments that you are under no obligation to go to these things. You don’t have to buy plane tickets for a 36-hour visit – especially when your brother is so awful to you. I’m also giving you permission to skip holidays with them, if you want.

      FWIW, my BIL is terrible – TERRIBLE – at making plans or communicating them to family. For example, he and his wife plan an annual Mother’s Day brunch, but he invariably doesn’t tell my MIL until maybe a week beforehand and then it’s like a “oh, if you’re free and want to come over” kind of invitation. We’ve invited his family to Thanksgiving where we need to know a headcount to get a turkey, and he won’t rsvp until maybe a week before – after we’ve already ordered the turkey. For my daughter’s first birthday party we had no idea if he was going to show up, so my MIL hounded him until he responded. To boot, my BIL is just unfriendly and cold to me.

      All that to say… for so long my husband’s side of the family made plans that revolved around BIL. And because BIL refuses to either make plans ~ or makes plans and fails to communicate them to family until the absolute last minute ~ there was a lot of “hurry up and panic” from my MIL about everyone all going to events. Until we started saying no. No, we’re not going to rent a car and drive 6 hours in one day for an event this weekend. We will make plans to see you some other time. No, our weekends are booked for the next 4 weeks. Wish we would have known that you were coming into town, BIL, but you didn’t respond to any of our emails and we’re actually headed elsewhere that weekend.

      It’s okay to re-train your family on how you expect to be treated.

    8. Have you invited your parents to visit you in Northern City? If not, that’s where I’d start.

      I’d actually start saying no to some of your parents’ invites, and tell them “It’s really expensive for me to travel last minute like this. I enjoy spending time with you and can do it better if you give me a heads up. Otherwise, I just end up feeling like an afterthought.” or ” Oh, I already made other plans here in Northern City. Hey – when should I schedule you guys to visit here?”

    9. “I do ask earlier than the last minute what the plans are for Important Holiday”

      It sounds like you’re asking what their plans are rather than making plans with them. I would try inviting them out to see you. If you don’t want to invite Hostile Brother, I don’t see any reason you have to. Your parents can come see you when you invite them without him and his family coming along.

    10. DH and I have a little of this on both sides of the family. We are the only ones without children, and there is often nutty planning around the grandparents seeing the grandchildren and squeezing us into the mix. I used to go along with it, until the terrible Christmas at my parent’s house when my brother’s big kids were fighting all the time, my sister’s kid was teething, and DH and I were sleeping on a pull-out couch in the living room with zero privacy. That’s when I declared NO MORE. Or at least, not very often.

      We try to see our respective parents (all of whom live 2,000 miles away) once or twice a year. We’ll see them with other family members no more than once a year per family, and we try to shave time off of those trips by coming later than the others or leaving earlier so it isn’t 100% overlap. It’s just better.

      I love my nieces and nephews to death, but three generations together is a recipe for crazy. Boundaries are your friend.

    11. Yes, I am the forgotten sibling because the others have kids. It has been this way for a few years now–we don’t even talk about my life much anymore, all conversations center around the grandkids. Just makes me wish I was married with kids myself (more than I do on a normal day).

  8. Before your brother had kids, did you family have this same dynamic, or is this related only to grandkids?

    1. Only to grandkids. In fact, both of my parents actually claim to like me better–especially because I communicate with them often and much (my brother barely remembers to call my parents once every few months!). But since grandkids are in the mix, I’m like chopped liver.

      1. Stop worrying about your parents and just make your own plans. We have kids but are still the “chopped liver” on both sides of our family. We have made peace with the fact that we aren’t the priority and don’t let it ruin our holidays. We have spent many lovely Thanksgivings with my husband’s favorite aunt and uncle. One year we hosted a fun Thanksgiving dinner for some of my husband’s co-workers from abroad. This year we are going away by ourselves for Christmas. Sometimes we stay in town and invite our parents, and sometimes they take us up on the offer and sometimes they don’t.

      2. Not sure if it makes you feel better but “But since grandkids are in the mix, I’m like chopped liver.” also applies to me and I’m the person that gave them 3 grandkids.

        1. No kidding. My parents adore my son and barely tolerate me even though I am the person who takes care of all their needs.

      3. Well, there you go. If your parents are making comments like that (not in jest), then of course to you there’s going to be a you-vs-him/them dynamic.

        1. It’s in jest! We don’t all hate each other. Just my brother hating me!

          1. If he’s hating you because of some legitimate (or legitimate to him) grievance from childhood, might it be worth having a conversation with him about it instead of just dismissing his feelings? “Weird pent-up anger at me stemming from something in our childhood” sounds really dismissive and maybe if you addressed what’s bothering him, you two could move on more peacefully.

  9. There are rumours in the press about my part of my org being acquired by a competitor. I’m on a fixed term (with the plan to go perm) postgrad training contract and I’m kinda terrified. Does anyone have any stories about this turning out well?

  10. If I were in your shoes, I’d focus on mom and dad alone, because they are the moving piece here. Could you say: “Mom and dad thank you for the invitation, but this won’t work for me this time. Over the past few holidays/years, I’ve started to notice that I only hear about you and brother getting together or you traveling to see brother until the very last moment, when it is often hard or very expensive for me to join you. I’ll be very honest: I’m starting to feel a little left out of the family. In the future I would appreciate much more notice, or maybe a trip to see me in my northern city. Do you think we could plan something like that?”

    Then plan something and erase the past slights. Easier said than done but the ball will be in their court.

  11. Ok, am just curious as to what people think about a slight drama going on here in my city. There is a water circuit spa (2 locations) in some (pun intended) hot water. I will state up front that I am long time visitor to both spas and generally recommend them to everyone – large sea salt warm pool where you can chat and have drinks, great massages/scrubs, hot green tea pool, cold plunge, infrared sauna and steam room. Very tranquil and cool.

    So here is the issue. The spa is women only. It is bathing suit optional and I would say it is about 50/50 naked people and bathing suits in all areas. According to reports, the spa cancelled a reservation for a trans woman when it became clear she had not had bottom surgery and their answer has largely been related to the fact that it is a clothing optional spa. So now we have twitter outrage, allegations about TERFS and transphobia, and calls for a boycott. The spa has said it will engage a human rights consultant to try and find a resolution that takes everyone into account….so, thoughts?

    1. I’ve been following this in the news too. It IS transphobia, but I think they should just make bathing suits a requirement.

      1. Bathing suits in saunas are gross. Towels required maybe but bathing suits? Ick.

        1. I wear a bathing suit at a water circuit spa in my area (that requires bathing suits) and it’s totally fine to me.

      2. As someone who really struggled with body image, being in nude women-only spas was enormously helping and healing to me – it was so important in learning that a range of bodies existed in the world and that mine was normal.

        I don’t know how I would feel in the situation described above. But I would be really sad if the outcome was that everyone had to wear suits and that experience was lost.

        1. yes, +1 to this. seeing a wide range of imperfect bodies helped me accept my own imperfect body more than anything else ever has.

    2. Make everyone wear a bathing suit or open it up to both genders. I’m pretty open and liberal but I just don’t want to see anyone’s junk, male or female. I’ve visited saunas and spas in Europe that are unisex and nude and I don’t like those either.

      1. On the maternity floor, I think that the only men who work there are the doctors (so not housekeeping staff; not sure re other medical professionals).

        A spa is voluntary. People may choose to have a baby, but the whole involuntary nakedness and people around to watch is something that I wasn’t prepared for (and I’m pretty OK with being naked in a medical setting with a paper gown to help preserve some dignity, but not when I’m also in so much pain from pushing out a baby that it hurts to pee and I need someone to help with that).

        It’s all interesting. And then there is the rest of the world where clothed men and women aren’t allowed to mix.

    3. I know the situation you are talking about. I had understood the facility was not clothing optional but was fully nude. In that scenario, I think it’s reasonable to require biological female presentation. I generally fully support trans rights but in a mandatory nude situation, I think there needs to be a balancing of interests. My view changes if it is actually 50/50 nude/suits if the transwoman chose to wear a suit to avail of the services. And I get that others may think I’m bigoted because of this. I can’t well articulate why it feels different to me, but it does.

      Mostly, I think it will be really interesting to see if this overturns Nixon v. Vancouver Rape Relief Society from BC which allowed the exclusion of a transwoman as a volunteer in a limited circumstance. It’s a 2005 case so it’s ripe for reconsideration.

      1. No, it is completely clothing optional. It is always interesting to me to see who goes naked v. wears a suit.

        If everyone wore suits, I think this would be much less of an issue, although they are open locker rooms so still open to someone saying something and reopening the whole thing.

    4. I read an article recently about how La Leche League had had some weirdness about not being inclusive in a similar manner. Which I found to be weird, like all other problems in the LLL universe must have been fixed for so much time to be devoted to this.

      I think that this is similar. I don’t expect the world to bend to me when I am a very clear outlier and disrupt the normal flow of things and not everything (e.g., driving) can be made to accommodate me (epileptic). [Honestly, I’m not so sure that even with bottom surgery it would change the root of what makes people uncomfortable here, it just wouldn’t be obvious.]

      1. I thought LLL was inclusive or does it vary by meeting? My local group in a smallish city advertises that they welcome all BF and chestfeeding parents.

        2. Please explain how it is biologically possible for a person not born biologically female to feed a baby from the person’s own body. Genuinely curious. Educate me.

          1. I remember reading (but please correct me if incorrect) that “male” (as in born physically male) mammary glands can be induced to lactate with a combination of drugs and stimulation, the way that an adopted baby can be breastfed.

          2. I don’t know, but my husband is more endowed than I am. If he is at all capable of lactating, I will sign him up!

          3. chestfeeding is when a transman (female to male) who has not had top surgery, stops taking their hormones in order to be able to nurse. Dr. Jack Newman’s website explains how it is possible to induce lactation in some cases for the non-childbearing parent (he discussed it originally in relation to adoptive parents), however, some transmen who have not had surgery, may chose to carry their child and may lactate as a result if they have not had top surgery.

            So the individual’s biological sex may be female to a certain extent however their gender identity and expression are male. Any more questions that you might prefer to ask in a less dismissive manner?

          6. When I was a kid I assumed men could do this. I mean, if you are 5 (when my sister was born), a lot of men seem to be capable. In all honesty, why DO they have what seem to be the right-ish parts? They do get cancer there, which seems unfair for equipment that does nothing useful and something bad for you (like an appendix, but there are two of them).

          7. Totally inappropriate, but does anyone else immediately think of the scene from “meet the parents” when they read this?

          8. Men have mammary glands and can produce milk and “breast”feed. I read as much as I could find about this when I first learned it. It has happened that a father has allowed a baby to dry nurse while mom was out, and then it wasn’t dry nursing anymore(!). And in at least one tribal culture, it’s said that it’s just expected as part of fathering a child.

          9. Yes exactly. Men have breasts. Breasts are not genitals; they are not unique to one sex. The fact that our culture sexualizes women’s breasts doesn’t change that fact. A man claiming that he’s “chestfeeding” not “breastfeeding” a child with milk from his nipples strikes me as incredibly misogynistic.

          10. No. I refuse. It is breastfeeding. Men can and do have breasts. It is misogynistic to rename breastfeeding chestfeeding like breasts are a horrible dirty thing men don’t have.

        3. Genuine question, I don’t intend to sound dismissive – is “nursing” a problematic term for transmen?

          1. Who cares? You want me to treat you as a man? Sure. I’m not erasing what it is to be a woman to accommodate you and it’s offensive transmen are asking.

  12. Some days, like today, my otherwise quiet office has an incredibly high pitched mechanical whine that stresses me out. With all the electronics around, and given that I know most people can’t hear in that range, I doubt it can be resolved at the source. Has anyone found a good way to cope with this?

  13. Anyone have any hotel recommendations for Key West. Trip Advisor is all over the map for reviews. Prefer independent type places vs hotel chains but quality above all.

    1. Your budget isn’t listed, but we had a wonderful experience renting a house through VRBO in Key West. It wasn’t outrageously expensive, but it was more than you’d pay per night at a moderately-priced hotel. It was really nice having a full kitchen, laundry, multiple bathrooms, and a hot tub to enjoy :)

    2. If you want to stay on the beach, I had an absolutely lovely stay at Casa Marina several years ago. It’s expensive, but it was absolutely everything you’d want in a beach vacation.

    3. Stay at the Island City House! Request a room with porch access but they might all be booked. If you have a generous budget, consider the Marquesa.

  14. Coming here to ask for help on something that I can’t figure out using Google: I have not 1 but 2 sunscreen sticks for the face that have fallen out of their tubes. Basically, a large chunk of it got stuck in the cap, so I will need to yank it out of the cap of the tube (not dissimilar to when my lipstick gets stuck at the top of the cap). There’s a fair amount of product in there but it’s too chunky and slippery to use as a stick anymore. Any advice from the hive on how to “salvage” the product? Yes, it would be good for me to not over-twist the product top but I’m clumsy like that. Thanks.

    1. Smush the salvaged product into a contact lens case and apply with your fingers. (Travel container, small Tupperware container, etc. would also work.)

    2. smush it back in with a tongue depressor / small wooden thing they use for kids ice creams. Leave the tube upright in a hot car and it will settle down via heat and gravity. Turn it sideways: hot mess. Ask me how I know.

  15. What are your best tips for managing an intern? She’s great- prior work experience, professional, friendly, dresses appropriately, etc. So not looking for tips about how to correct her, but more best practices you’ve got and anything you’ve found works really well. I had a great manager when I was in her position that I’m trying to emulate but would love any tips. It’s my first time managing anyone and I want to do well.

    1. I mentioned this in the earlier post about management, but I think it applies here, too: to the extent that you can, help her cultivate her professional interests. Like if she’s particularly interested in X, see if you can find her something related to work on. Internships are about learning, so check in with her to make sure that she is. I remember as intern when I got stuck working on the same type of motions over and over for the same attorney. While I could bang out great motions without too much trouble, I was also bored and not picking up anything new.

      I’m sure you’ll do great!

      1. I think rewarding her with increased responsibility is great. I so appreciated my summer managers who would joke a bit with me, “Let’s see…what can we find you to do that’ll make a good resume bullet?” They knew they couldn’t hire me and they knew there was lots of copying and faxing and boring things to do, but they really tried to give me assignments that would help me in the future (I got lots of mileage out of one redacted brief – I was so honored they let me do it).

        1. This is something I try to focus on. We have legal interns and for them it’s very important to walk away with a good writing sample at the end of the summer, so I always try to facilitate that.

      2. Increased responsibility is great. If there’s any way she can be more of a “temporary junior employee” than an intern (if that’s appropriate for your org) then that’s perfect. It’s the kind of thing I happily told other potential interns about and was a big plus.

    2. I have been an intern and am now managing several interns. These tips aren’t revolutionary but here’s what has worked for me:
      — Provide background for each assignment so she can see how it fits into the overall case/project, but not so much background that it’s overwhelming.
      — Bite sized assignments with clear deadlines and check-in points along the way. Ex. Here is this legal question I’d like answered. Please concentrate on A and B districts. I’d like to check in tomorrow regarding what you’ve found, I’d like an outline by Wednesday, and the end result would be a short (two to three page memo) by Friday. I’ll give you feedback by early next week and we can talk about revisions or next steps then.
      — Give clear feedback. I usually mark up intern work with a red pen, not so much for minor grammatical mistakes but more with big picture comments and questions. Remember to note the positives about the work product as well as negatives in the margins. Sit down and discuss the work together.
      — Model good work practices and discuss those work practices with the intern. My interns recently asked me some great questions regarding a piece of my own written work product, like “What version is this draft on? How much revision has gone into it so far? How did you incorporate Boss’s comments?” and asked to see an earlier draft/outline. I thought that was great of them to ask and really useful to share, so I will probably start sending example outlines to interns in the future.
      — Loop the intern in on your own interactions with higher-ups. It’s really helpful to see how a midlevel puts together a draft or asks the partner a question and will help the intern craft his/her own communication style later. It’s also good for them to see whatever finished product their work contributed to, and I might even send the intern (not the partner) a redline so they can see how their work fed into the final product and what got changed.

    3. Thanks, all! I’m in a nonprofit, so our interns get a ton of responsibility from day one. With supervision and feedback and the ability to ask any questions they have, of course, but it’s day 2 and she’s writing a letter to a client right now. I’ll obviously review it with her, talk about the positives and give feedback, but I sent her a sample and let her have at it, and once I approve it, we send it. So, no worries about responsibility. :) When I was an intern here, my boss asked me to call a client day 2 and I almost had a heart attack I was so nervous.

      I love the idea of discussing and cultivating personal interests. I had her write out her goals for the summer and she specifically mentioned one area she wants to focus on in particular, which I’ll work with my colleague (her other supervisor, although I’m handling most of the day-to-day) to integrate into her work.

      We’re going to work on finding a good writing sample for her. I wrote a memo analyzing constitutional implications of a particular agency’s actions my first summer and being given that project was awesome.

      I adored my supervisor and really respected him when I was in her position and I want her to feel the same. I’m probably a bit more anxious about it than he was (he had a lot of supervisory experience, I have a total of none), but I did learn from the best. :)

    5. A little delayed, but I’ve just finished a placement and had a great person that took on a bit of a mentor role. One of the things that I loved most (from the entire time I was at the company, as well as that she did) was that I was given a larger task that didn’t have a set deadline and that I could work on through my whole time there. It was a fact-sheet type thing but with some fairly specific parameters. It ended up really being a great thing for me, as I did a lot of work on it outside of work hours at home after I was reassigned, and everyone at the company was impressed I worked on stuff at home, but even if I hadn’t, it was great to have a task I could immediately work on if I had finished everything and couldn’t immediately bug someone for more work

  16. Thank you to the poster from this thread this morning who mentioned not getting a refund. You prompted me to go back and check, and it turned out that I never received one for something that I returned in mid-May. Their explanation was “Your return form seemed to have gotten shuffled around in our warehouse.” I don’t know, but definitely a good reminder to check on these things!

  17. I’M NOT THE SECOND V*RGIN MARY.

    Never been so relieved to get my period in my entire life, even though there was literally ZERO chance I was pregnant. Almost two weeks late with two full weeks of PMS (which was pretty much the worst), but I finally got it.

  18. Tips for apple shapes? I carry all my extra weight in my belly, and sometimes strangers ask if I’m pregnant (protip – never do this). People who have known me for more than 9 months know that this is just my shape, but I started a new job in a new city in a new office and I feel like everyone is always staring at my belly. I am working on losing weight, but in the meantime, any tips to even out my shape?

    1. If you ask tomorrow I’ll write some tips- on my phone and dead tired now.

Comments are closed.