ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 264 Comments

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Silk Tie-Front Solid Top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. august-silk-tie-front-topThis bow style of top comes and goes, and right now it seems to be having a moment. I think this is one of the times where it looks good, and I even like the bishop sleeves. This is sort of an affordable, interesting piece that will be really versatile in your wardrobe — it's different, but not too different. The top is in a cotton/modal blend and is hand washable. It's $29, marked down from $60, at Saks Off 5th. August Silk Tie-Front Solid Top Here's an option that's available in petite and plus sizes (as well as regular). Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

264 Comments

  1. Someone said that they only build professional relationships at the workplace and no one at work can be their friend. Isn’t this fake?

    Can’t we all be real friends with the people we meet at work? I feel like the guise of professionalism is what makes corporate culture toxic. Thoughts?

    1. Some of my very best friends are work friends. I work in big law that has a lot of women. I am great friends with both associates and young partners outside of work.

      1. +1 I am very good friends with my peers from work (I’d also say that they’re some of my best friends), but I’m friendly rather than friends with my staff and my boss.

    2. I know some people like to keep that boundary, which I think is fine. I’ve made real friendships at work before, but not everywhere that I’ve worked and I don’t think those friendships are necessarily as strong as my friendships that developed outside of work.

      It isn’t necessarily a professionalism issue in my mind. Some people just really like to keep their work and personal lives separate.

    3. Most, if not all, of my close work friendships did not outlast the working relationship; i.e., after we no longer worked together, we didn’t really keep up the friendship. I’m curious to know how common this is.

      1. Tesyaa, I agree. Once I stopped workeing at my job’s, I did not keep up with any freinds I made on those job’s. It is the peeople I met around town and at school that I remain freindley with over the year’s. BTW, what does Tesyaa mean?

      2. All my work friendships that were close enough for us to spend time outside of work, have continued after I stopped working with them.

        1. +1 My best friend is someone I became friends with at work. Where we worked together, I was an attorney and still is a paralegal, but she did not report to me, nor did she do any work for my portion of the department.

      3. I have kept up with my dear friends I made at my previous job. It’s hard as we’re now spread across the country, but we still touch base regularly.

        I haven’t made any close friends at my current job, and when I leave it’s unlikely I’ll stay in touch with any but perhaps one.

    4. I more often meet the opposite attitude (we’re all a big happy family here at company X), which I would call fake. And to be honest, a lack of professional boundaries (between peers and especially between reports and managers) can be just as toxic. In general, I tend to err on the side of professionalism, until I learn more about a person.
      Since the place where I meet most people is work, I have built some great friendships with the people that I click with.

    5. I think it is up to people to keep their relationships professional or turn them into friendships. I don’t think it is professionalism that makes culture toxic. In fact, I experienced the opposite. A colleague who came to know my personal information under the guise of “real friendship” used it to gossip about me at work and sabotage me with upper management ie. she has lot of crap going on in her personal life which makes her incapable of handling challenging work assignments and shouldn’t be given good assignments. That sure was toxic.

      I am thankful that I had this experience at my first job. I taught me to keep professional and personal lives separate which I absolutely don’t compromise with the immediate team with which I work. I doesn’t mean I don’t have small talk with them, be friendly and approachable with them. At the same time, I work in a large company. So I meet people from different departments with whom I have become friends with. Even with them, I am extremely careful about what personal information (especially the information that can be used against me) I share with them.

      1. I agree. I prefer boundries as well. I’ve told “friends” something in confidence and management has found out. Plus you never really know the motivation on the other side. My rule is never to make friends where money is involved and work is one of those areas.

    6. I have made amazingly strong friendships with coworkers. I took a different position earlier this year, and the friendships have remained. We still go to happy hours together, watch sports ball game, and grab lunch on a regular basis. I am not sure if that’s the norm, but it has been my experience.

    7. I met many of my closest friends at work, and have only been unhappy in jobs where I haven’t had close friends. Different strokes I guess, but I can’t imagine thinking like that and banishing friendship from work. I suspect that’s a likely contributor to people disliking their jobs.

    8. I keep my work and personal lives separate. I still make small talk, talk to people about their weekends, etc.and am “work friends” with some coworkers, but I am careful about what I discuss and I refuse to be friends on social media with anyone in my area.

      Like a poster above, I have been burned in the past with people gossiping about my personal life. My department is prone to lots of drama and politics, and I’d just rather stay out of all that. I’ve been here long enough that people know not to come to me with gossip and (I think) respect my boundaries. There are a couple people in my department, though, who take it to the other extreme – if I don’t talk to them about my personal life, then we can’t have a good working relationship.

      I work in a big company and have developed real friendships with some people in other areas. Those, I see outlasting my time here or theirs.

    9. It definitely depends on the workplace, the job, and the people. I’ve made friendships that lasted and turned into “inviting you to my small birthday party” friendships, and I’ve made “meet for lunch and talk nothing but shop” friendships. More stressful jobs with colleagues of similar ages tend to foster more real friendships for me, but those were jobs in which our managers worked really hard to build teams with good dynamics, positive attitudes, and pride in our work.

      I disagree that it’s fake to have professional-only relationships; I’m not presenting a fake version of myself in those relationships, just an edited version of myself. I want my professional contacts to think of me as responsible and competent. Talking about my LGPs and my frustrations of trying to lose weight with colleagues doesn’t scream responsible and competent. If I get to know someone, click with them, and build rapport, eventually I’ll feel comfortable sharing those parts of my life, but never with a boss.

    10. It depends on who, where, and at what level. I met my spouse at work, so, yes, I do have deep and lasting personal relationships with people in my workplace. Having said that, I am careful about what I share, who I share it with , and where I share it. Someone at my professional peer level in another office/department might become my close friend outside of work (and I have several of those), but conversations that I have with close friends likely wouldn’t take place in the office itself. (Happy hour, wine at home, lunches elsewhere – fine). I also have topics that I do not discuss with subordinates, supervisors, colleagues who are part of my regular work process at any time or place: sex, personal finance (other than generalities – yeah, mortgage rates are great but housing prices here are nuts!), marital issues of any kind, specifics on health (mine or anyone else’s), what people are eating, weight.

      I am happy to discuss with anyone in the office, in a friendly and open manner, and when we are not super busy on work stuff: sports, travel, weekend plans, television, reasonable but probably pretty superficial family updates (that’s awesome Jimmy scored the winning goal! you must be so proud), local news, and good restaurants. I strive for friendly and interested in people as real human beings, but do not overshare or gossip, or encourage anyone around me to allow that. Seriously, there is A LOT I do not want to know about my coworkers. Triple for those I supervise. :)

    11. I would say that I am friendly with my coworkers, but not truly friends outside of work with many. I actually had some coworkers who would come to my house for holidays, but that fell apart when there was a work issue that divided. For this reason, I try to keep a bit of distance in my personal life. I am only truly close friends with one person in my immediate work community (and actually, she’s my boss), but I am somewhat friends with a couple more. I have maintained more personal distance with the people I supervise, but I am close with one person who has left. Otherwise, like others have mentioned, these friendly relationships fall away once we’re no longer working together.

    12. Most of my best friends are people I met at or through work. I think it’s normal to make friendships with people you spend so much time with.

      Two things I think are bad ideas: dating coworkers and befriending subordinates.

      I’ve made the latter mistake more than once and am trying to learn not to do it again. The worst one was when I developed a personal friendship with a subordinate – meaning, I introduced her to my friend group outside of work – then at work she had really, really measurably bad performance and my attempts to address the issues were met with “you’re being very uncool and insensitive” “I thought we were friends” and “how can you be like this?” Which then led to a breakup of the friendship and lots of snarky comments behind my back to our mutual friends.

      When a subordinate comes on really strong for a friendship, be careful. I was completely manulipulated by this woman.

    13. This totally depends on the company. I think companies that have a large start class of people they hire out of school (undergrad, MBA, law, etc.) will foster deeper friendships because you are surrounded by similar people. I work at one of those companies and the only friends I’ve made after college are through work.

    14. When I was younger I made strong, close friendships at work. At my current workplace I am friendly with many of my colleagues and socialize with a few of them outside work on occasion (and they all came to my wedding), but I am in a place where everyone is quite senior and everyone already had their friendship networks in place when they got here. Which is very different from a bunch of younger people, fresh out of school and looking to form a social network.

    15. On a related note, I would really appreciate the Hive’s input on trying to be friends with my boss’s wife. The deal is that we are similar in age, educational background, and ideas of a good time. She stays at home (the role my boss and I work it basically requires a stay-at-home partner if you have kids) and feels frustrated that she isn’t really connecting with the women she meets. At a recent out-of-town meeting she came w my boss and invited me out with them for drinks and dinner. She and I had a great, great time. We are Facebook friends because I asked my boss about his kid’s halloween costumes and he was like, “oh add Wife on FB, she posts lots of pictures!”

      But is it weird to message her on FB and be like “we should meet up for wine some night next week!” Should I expect her to be an out-of-town-meetings-only friend?

      Possibly relevant: a lot of the men I work with are football-watching pals with the husband of one of the highest ranking women in the company, so it’s not unheard of. But I don’t know how to get the ball rolling!

    16. Three co-workers at my last job formed a band. When the band broke up, it was worse than if it had a been co-workers going through a divorce. Everyone took sides and the drama infected our work.

  2. My husband and I are looking at going to Santa Fe in January or February for a relaxing vacation. I’d love to get a massage and maybe a couple other spa treatments, preferably offered in the hotel or really close. Any suggestions on where to stay that aren’t super expensive? Any recommendations on restaurants, etc are totally welcome too. Thanks in advance!

    1. I know you said close to the hotel, but just outside town is a Japanese style spa, ten Thousand Waves I think. My husband surprised me with a (joint) hour in a kabuto tub under the stars (they keep you warm, don’t worry) and it was magic. Also, for the obligatory green chile cheeseburgers or breakfast burritos / tacos, try the Horsemans as you get into town and also the Pantry. Do not be put off by the divey appearances. We have tried all the standards (Husband went to school in SF) and they are our favorites. I think I have a while email of recs for another friend, so I’ll see if I can dig it up.

      1. The tub under the stars sounds amazing! Thanks for the ideas. If it’s easier to email me the list, I’m sydneybristowe t t e at gmail.

        1. Other recs from DH:
          You might hear about Pasqual’s, which is a kind of an institution. Husband considers it overrated, for whatever that’s worth. Shed (Anon’s recommendation below) is also on the try list.

          If you like hiking (in the cold!), a great trail is Atalaya Mountain. For a shorter walk, you could do the Sun Mountain Trail (Monte Sol), which is part of the Old Santa Fe Trail. Great view up there. For that time of year, though, the ski basin might have more weather-appropriate activities.

          If you’re interested in a VRBO or similar, in the past we have gotten some really charming small New Mexican (pueblo) houses— which might mean a fireplace or clay oven/ fire pit.

          1. Sorry, one more— agree with La Fonda for hotel rec. It also has that traditional architecture and is right near the main plaza in town.

      2. for high end, we love Joseph’s of Santa Fe, we’ve eaten his cooking for 20+ years (he used to be in Taos). All the other rec are solid. I didn’t see Harry’s Roadhouse listed, which we’ve been eating at since 1992 (yikes). They do not take reservations so the wait can be killer.

    2. La Fonda or the El Dorado are both nice hotels. I keep seeing Hotel St. Francis which also looks nice, but I have never been there.

      I agree with the above poster that Ten Thousand Waves is the place to go. Super relaxing!

      My favorite restaurants are The Shed (New Mexican food, really good red chile), Tia Sophia’s (also New Mexican food, great for breakfast or lunch), La Boca (Spanish-style tapas), Clafoutis (yummy French food, only breakfast and lunch I think.) I am usually in Santa Fe for work, so I only know lunch places I guess, haha!

    3. The Four Seasons may be running a stay X number of nights, get one free. I highly recommend it. It’s not in the main town, but they make it SO EASY to get there and back and the property is amazing. Free access to hot tub, hiking trail, fireplace in the room, etc. If you do that, I’d plan on going in to town for dinner. Coyote Cafe, Cafe Pasqual’s, and the Shed were our top meals while there. I’d recommend 3 nights tops- small smallllll town square, so you don’t need more than a full day to see and shmy around . If you want to bundle up and are renting a car, I highly recommend the drive out to Tent Rocks National Monument and walk through slot canyon. Have fun!

    4. I grew up near Santa Fe, and DH was born there. We visit family there almost every year, so this is a semi-local perspective.

      Spa – agree with all on Ten Thousand Waves. An alternative, but further away, is Ojo Caliente spa. It’s about an hour north of Santa Fe, and it’s amazing.

      Hotel – I got married at La Fonda, so it’s the sentimental favorite. Plus, you’re right on the plaza, so a lot of things to do are walking distance.

      Restaurants – As several have said, the Shed is fantastic. For New Mexican food, I also love Tomasita’s and Maria’s. Cowgirl is a fun bar with live music and a lot of locals. For fancier food, my favorite is La Casa Sena. For more casual, non-New Mexican, the Second Street Brewery by the railyards is good. And for a truly local experience, go to Lotaburger! An itsaburger with green chile and cheese, hold the onion, is the best fast food ever.

      Other great things: The Georgia O’Keeffe museum is lovely, and very doable in an hour or two. Galleries on Canyon Road are fun to browse – and stop for a drink at El Farol while you’re in the neighborhood! A day trip to Taos & Chimayo is great, and the drive is pretty (as long as it isn’t snowing). Bandelier National Monument has Anasazi ruins to tour, which again would be weather-dependent.

      1. OMG yes on Lotaburger! Definitely get green chile and cheese. So good. I prefer the seasoned fries.

        And if you take a day trip to Chimayo, visit the Santuario even if you are not Catholic and then go eat at Rancho de Chimayo.

    6. We went to Santa Fe for our honeymoon (it was short). Rosewood Inn was PERFECT for us – right in the middle of everything but cozy and quiet and delicious breakfast. And you need to take the advice of everyone here and go to Ten Thousand Waves. Nothing like it in the U.S.

  3. So odd question.
    I have an interview for a staff attorney like roll at a “big law” firm coming up, in a major market. I am qualified for this position, but not to work at the firm in general – don’t have the grades or “right” law school, so I’d be really happy to get in, as a staff attorney. Before law school, I worked at another big firm in an admin roll, but I know that this is why I got this interview – the subject area is spot on. Now – problem – I wasn’t awesome at that previous role. I was in a pretty bad spot in my life, recovering from basically a s-x-a-l (trying to make moderation not knock me) assault and had dropped out of law school due to it ( i later transferred and finished, doing just fine:) But, I know they will ask my old boss for a reference and I feel as if they may say ….”eh?” or something like that. They might barely remember me, it was only about a year, and I was pretty mediocre. I wasn’t awful, I was competent, but I think it was clear that I did not want to be there and wasn’t doing great. I really want this staff attorney job. Any thoughts?

    2. Yay Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this fruegel top, Kat, but it is NOT silk. I supose for $29, all we get is pollyester. FOOEY!

      As for the OP, forget the past and look forward to workeing there. Mabye he will remember your past, but it is NOT your fault. Being assaulted sexueally is something alot of us have had, as men have gotten away with alot, but your past performance is NOT an indicaiton of future performance. I did NOT have much of a legal background with my goverment experiences being meiodcre, so when I met the manageing partner, he onley went with his gut, hireing me w/o checkeing my references first. He said it did NOT matter b/c he saw me and assessed me on the spot and figured out I would be a good fit for the WC spot, where I am now a partner.

      So keep your chin up and be proud that you are a woman of the law, with GREAT potential and you will do fine! YAY!!!

    3. Good luck! The main question for me here is, would you be ok working again in that subject area (the one you worked in before, but your performance at the time was not great)? If they want to hire you for this, then imo, you don’t really have control over them calling your old boss. But if you weren’t there for very long and years ago, maybe it wont matter so much.

    4. Well first, they’re not necessarily going to ask your former boss for a reference. Do you have other references you would be prepared to provide them, particularly any that are more recent? And second, if you do think they’ll contact this former boss even if he’s not on your reference list, reach out to him proactively to let him know about your upcoming interview and ask if he thinks he can be a good reference. Remind him of some things you did well (there must be something), and maybe even let him know that you were dealing with some personal issues at the time and were disappointed in your own work, but have gotten back on track after transferring law schools. That way, if they do reach out to him and he does remember you as being less than spectacular, he’ll at least have some context.

      And I only say this because you used it twice, so I don’t think it’s a typo: it’s “role,” not “roll.”

      Good luck!

      1. There’s also a possibility your prior firm will not do anything more than confirm your dates of employment. I agree with the suggestion to be proactive and line up some positive references and maybe see if your old boss will put in a good word.

    5. I would say to look for a graceful opportunity to address it in the interview. Mightn’t they ask you why you interrupted law school? If you’d been sick or depressed, you could say something like “I was dealing with a health issue that’s since been resolved,” so could you say that or something similar? Getting assaulted qualifies as a health issue, IMO, and they shouldn’t push you for details.

      I’m so sorry that happened to you, and good luck!

        1. Sorry, my reply wasn’t helpful. I meant to say that proactively bringing up struggling in the admin role isn’t a good idea.

  4. I’m the poster who lost 10 pounds in the last two months. For those who asked what I meant by “controlled carbs”, I just kept the daily carb intake at 80-120g per day, which was low enough to lose weight but also high enough that I wasn’t tired and grumpy. I was able to work out daily with this carb level.

    As I’m vegetarian, thins wasn’t easy so I’m rather thrilled I could do it.

    2. Can you give some insight into what your average day eating wise looked like? I am also a vegetarian and looking to lose the last 5 lbs of baby weight and would love to know how to restructure my eating (generally pretty clean but maybe there is more I can do!)

      1. I recently did a Whole30 as a vegetarian and it was great for restarting my clean eating habits. I generally eat pretty clean and healthy anyway, but the Whole30 cuts out pretty much everything except eggs, nuts and seeds, and fruits and vegetables (for a vegetarian, that is). It is NOT meant to be a weight loss program, it is a clean food program. But if you follow it to a T, pretty much everyone will lose at least 5-10lb. It is great for a full lifestyle change, and it helps kick the habit of needing so many carbs and sugar. I’d recommend trying this!

        1. To directly answer your question in my daily eating:
          Breakfast was frequently either hard boiled eggs, or scrambled eggs with roasted potatoes and maybe a little bit of avocado.
          Lunch was salad with hard boiled egg, or vegetables with some sort of sauce and eggs on the side, or fried cauliflower rice with scrambled eggs and veggies. Generally leftovers from dinner the night before. And dinner was eggs with spaghetti squash and sauce, or salad with eggs, or eggs and baked potatoes (sweet and russet are both legal), or stir fried vegetables with compliant sauce and eggs. As a vegetarian on the Whole30 you will eat SO many eggs.

          1. As a fellow vegetarian, I have always been intrigued by Whole 30. I read the book and it makes a lot of sense, but I couldn’t get over the idea of restricting so many carbs. Weren’t you hungry? And while I do like eggs, I can’t imagine eating 4 a day.

          2. For the first couple weeks, yes, I was always hungry. I won’t pretend it was fun. By the end, though, it wasn’t nearly as bad. It got better through a combination of adapting to make my body realize I don’t need as many carbs (your appetite is retrainable!) and also figuring out which compliant foods would actually fill me up and leave me satisfied. For me, eggs and potatoes was the meal I found would really satisfy my hunger for hours. I replaced carbs with a lot of cauliflower rice and spaghetti squash. By the end, it wasn’t so bad, and the habits became second nature. But yes, the first two weeks are a miserable hunger. (Worth it!)

            I was probably eating around 6 eggs a day for most of the challenge. Some people may have a problem with that. I didn’t mind, because my cholesterol is fine and I wasn’t always eating 6 yolks a day. YMMV.

          3. My understanding is that the “official” vegetarian version of Whole30 allows legumes as well. That could help cut down in how many eggs you need to eat to get enough protein.

      2. Breakfast: eggs or idlis (Indian food) or s fruit platter

        Lunch: 2 homemade chapatis with veg plus raita (it’s all Indian food)

        Tea: no sugar, only stevia

        Dinner: thick soups or repeat of lunch

        No pasta, bread, rice for a month. I did the above for 28 days then relaxed diet a bit. Daily 5k run.
        Weird part is now I simply don’t feel like eating much pasta or bread. Maybe once a week max.

    3. Just piping up on Whole 30 – thanks to encouragement from here, I stuck with it (I was doing it 100% for weight loss) & while it was hard (there were only so many eggs I could eat and I found cooking without alcohol and dairy to be really uninspiring) I will say I was never hungry on it. The idea is that you don’t count calories and use a lot of fats. I lost about 7-8lbs as a result of it, which was the kick I needed. And I’m not a vegetarian so it’s a LOT easier if you eat meat. Breakfast and dinner were the easiest, but lunches were hard.

  5. Financial Advisor Rec?
    I recently relocated to the NYC area and would love a recommendation for a financial advisor. I’ve talked to a few of the bigger places and everyone is pushing the roboadvisor products which isn’t what I’m looking for. What I really want is someone to look at our retirement fund allocations and help us figure out how to invest excess cash – I’m thinking maybe a quarterly review setup makes sense? I know a lot of people have investable asset requirements and often we aren’t quite there. If you include retirement accounts (401k and IRA), we have ~250k to invest.

    2. It may be too late in the day for you to see this, but if you’re comfortable working with someone remotely, I can highly recommend Mary Beth Storjohann of Workable Wealth. We have been working with her for a little more than a year and have been very pleased with her advice.

  6. I wanted to say thank you to the O&G ‘rettes who posted very helpful information for me late yesterday. One of the many reasons I love this community!

  7. Happy Friday everyone, anyone have any good wrap suggestions? The clothing kind, not the food kind.

    Ideally, I’m looking for natural fibers, something bigger than a scarf, but not quite blanket size. My office is freezing and I like adding a pop of color to a black dress while also keeping warm.

    4. I just ordered one of the cashmere wraps from Garnet Hill, which were discussed earlier this week on this site. They are now on sale for 25% off plus free shipping (another $14 off). They are pricey, but big, great reviews, excellent quality.

    5. I highly recommend the cashmere waterweave wraps from Talbots. I have 3 (from a previous season) and they are very warm, durable and the size is perfect to use as a wrap or oversize scarf or knee blanket.

  8. I have a legal background but have been working at a university for the last couple of years in a full-time quasi-teaching role (I guess you could call it academic support?). I have the opportunity to apply for a faculty position — non-tenure, but a step up from where I am currently — and I have been told I’m likely to be a good candidate. Any voices of experience for particular issues I should be thinking about or the questions I should ask when considering the position? Thanks!

    1. You say this is a step up from your previous role – just make sure that it is in more than just title. Precarious faculty employment is rampant. Maybe take a look at the professor is in-blog.

    2. Read the faculty handbook to see if there is a promotion track for non-tenured faculty. At some schools there is. This may give you a sense as to how your career could progress.

    3. If there’s a tenured faculty member in that college/school that you like and trust I would set a coffee date and see if you can get the scoop on the realities (good and bad) of the position.

  9. Good morning hive. I’ve always been a blue dot in a deep red neighborhood, city, and state. I’m also a scientist and have focused a lot more of my time on biology and chemistry than politics and government because I had given in to the idea that my voice was too tiny to be heard over all of those around me and it is so easy to shield myself in the STEM academia bubble. Following the election, I started paying more attention to the stories being reported on sites such as the SPLC Hate Watch and I can no longer stand to be quiet. I’ve been inspired to contact my reps after following the threads here this week. Finding contact info was easy, but I know that my contact can be more effective if I’m calling about something that each rep can actually do something about. Does anyone know of a good primer for what types of things generally fall to the house and which fall to the senate? Also, is there a schedule somewhere of what will be coming up in each session? I’m a little embarrassed to need to ask these things at my age, but maybe I’m not the only one that needs a basic lesson…

    1. If you’re specifically thinking of the federal level, the Senate confirms certain Presidential appointments (not Bannon, though, since that’s a White House staff position). In general, the Senate has a larger role in foreign policy. Budget bills must originate in the House, but both chambers have say. Other than that, most issues involve both chambers in one way or another.

      One really good thing to check is which committees your Senators and Reps serve on. E.g., if you have someone who’s on the Energy and Natural Resources Committee, they’ll likely be much more involved in the EPA appointments, climate change policy, etc. than other topics.

      There is not really a formal pre-written schedule of what’s going to come up when. You can check with advocacy orgs who deal with topics you care about (many of them will have “track this pending legislation” type areas on their website or mention critical pending issues on their Facebook pages), check committee agendas, seach for legislation you’re interested in advocating for/against at congress.gov or on your state legislature’s websites, or generally follow what pops up in the news.

      One tip (which I’m sure you have covered): please, please be kind and respectful to the staff who pick up the phone. We’re far more likely to listen carefully if you do.

      Second tip: don’t forget about your state and local government, too. These officials represent fewer people and often people focus all their attention at the federal level — meaning that the opportunity to build a relationship with your state or local representatives is often significantly better.

  10. Yesterday I was in a training class at work on a new computer program. There was a man assisting the trainer, walking around and making sure everyone was keeping up. Every time he walked behind me and noticed I was on track he’d squeeze my shoulders or touch my arms and say “good job!” At first it surprised me and then it p!ssed me off. It wasn’t at all s@xual, but super annoying and came off to me as condescending. My boss (an older man) was sitting behind me the whole time. What would you have said or done in this situation? For what it’s worth, the guy is about my age but two levels below me (in a different department.)

    1. “Thanks! Please respect personal space. I don’t see you squeezing any of the mens shoulders here when they do a good job”

      1. I’m more confrontational, so I would say out loud “Thanks! Does everyone get a shoulder rub or just me?” and let that hang uncomfortably. If he laughed it off or did it again, I’d say “A verbal thanks is enough. Please stop with the physical touching. Maybe Boss might like it, but I don’t.”

    2. I would have said, “Thank you, but please don’t touch me. It makes me uncomfortable.” In a serious but non-confrontational tone, since you don’t think he meant anything sexual by it.

      1. I’m not sure – I’m going to ask the other woman that was in that class if I see her today.

    4. I think a simple “Please don’t touch me, it makes me uncomfortable” would do the trick.

      1. Yes, or “Please don’t touch me; it’s annoying” is more neutral, if you want to stay away from the implication that you took it as s@xual harassment.

    5. Can I ask, whenever I see advice here on how to verbally address issues like that, why does everyone add “please” into the request/demand? I don’t think it’s either necessary or useful when you’re telling someone to STOP TOUCHING YOU. It seems like softening language that doesn’t have a place in such a context. I’m not asking you to stop touching me – I’m telling you.

    6. I am seriously considering buying my whole squad matching bracelets that say “touch me and die” — want in? :-)

  11. I just can’t with Caphillstyle anymore. I mean Republican kid of apparently well off Montana folks who worked for the gun lobby. Then the other month, she posts she has never left the country before. Then the other day posts about how the election had got her fantasizing about getting back in politics or lobbying? Then there’s her fight-the-man campaign against jcrew as if that’s an important topic – so fashion is the area where we fight market forces and corporate power!?! Plus, do those of us who have “made it” post-35 think the younger generation of women should invest that much time and energy and money looking pleasing? And do the lawyers really think going to a shitty law school in 2.5 years and acting like that works is a good example to young women? Of course she hasn’t passed the bar yet.

    1. Let’s not make this a hate site. If you don’t like someone, don’t read their blog.

      1. +1,000 You don’t need our permission or approval to stop reading her site. Some people like it, some don’t. That’s why there are thousands of blogs out there. Go post this on GOMI if you want to hate on her.

    5. I really don’t get what your issue with her is. So she’s got different views. She was/is #nevertrump, so it’s not like she’s condoning all those things. And she likes fashion, appears to be good at it, and has advice to give. Whatever. So you don’t think she’s successful enough. Whatever. Why are you making such a big deal out of someone having a different life or priorities than you do? She’s not hateful. There’s really no reason for this.

    6. Why are you commenting on a fashion blog about how women shouldn’t spend so much effort “looking pleasing”?

      She didn’t say why she was thinking about getting back into politics. Based on the fact that she posted about boycotting Ivanka Trump, I’d guess that she’s like many of us who are wondering how things went so wrong; maybe she wants to use her skills to help mitigate the potential consequences. I can tell you that none of my Republican friends here on Capitol Hill are happy about President Trump (I’m sure some Republican staffers are, but I don’t know them personally), so it’s not like she’s exulting in Trump’s win.

      How do you know her parents are well-to-do? Maybe she went to a “sh!tty law school” because that’s what she could afford.

      1. I’m pretty sure on her Twitter she said she chose “Stronger Together,” and she said something about hoping or praying Trump will be the president his children think he can be. So… I’d guess if she wants to get back to politics, it’s more likely because of the Republican majorities in Congress (and maybe to mitigate the consequences of a Trump administration). I miss many of the posts she used to do before she went to law school (Two Ways, for example), but as for how she wants to manage her non-blogging career… it’s not really my business.

      2. +1. Also, what’s wrong with never having left the country? Maybe she hates traveling. My husband hasn’t left North America, I assure you he’s a lovely person. And she went through law school faster than most and on a full ride I thought. If you don’t like her blog, don’t read it. I like it a lot and will continue to read it.

        1. This country is the size of about 5 countries. It’s not like someone who has never left Connecticut.

          FWIW, had we not been stationed overseas, it’s not likely that I would have left the country before my late 20s (I would have loved to have gone somewhere, but no $ and parents with no $ or time; later, as a grownup: no time).

          1. +1 – If someone had never left their home state (I totally went to college with those types), that would be one thing, but there’s plenty of cultural learning to be had by visiting various part of our own country. The East Coast is different than the West Coast is different than the Midwest is different than the South is different than the West.

      3. Her parents are well to do. I know because we read her blog. I’ve also been disappointed in her post-election posts, and have been skipping reading her when she pops up in my feedly lately.

    8. First world problems: complaining about a fashion blogger (but not the fashions of the fashion blogger) in the comments of another fashion blogger

    10. If you’ve “made it” and are so wise and mature, why are you meangirling in the comments section of a fashion blog?

    11. You sound like a crazy stalker. You are paying a lot attention to someone and emoting a lot. Maybe just walk away if it’s not to your liking?

    12. So what makes someone worth listening too? Only top tier law school grads with prestigious careers who passed the bar exam the first time? “Uncultured” people who don’t leave the country until their 30s? Hard pass on that one?

      1. I don’t think she failed the bar exam, I just think she didn’t take it yet. I’ve been skimming/ignoring her lately so I could be behind on that news.

    13. It’s fine to not like her, but no need to call my law school sh*tty. It worked out great for me… and for a third of the justices on my state supreme court and our last governor.

  12. Husband and I are admittedly very hetero-normative. We’ve always played traditional gender roles and it’s worked well for us. I’ve always had a job with more flexibility and tend to more of the housework, cooking, etc. He generally manages our finances, does dirtier chores like manage trash, clean the yard, etc. It’s a good balance and it works for us.

    He lost his job three months ago and is having a really difficult time finding work. It’s clearly starting to weigh on his self-esteem. It’s also changed the balance of our relationship – he’s doing most of the chores, taking care of the tasks I used to. We keep bickering about silly things related to chores, like the fact that he machine dried all of my delicates. (I tried to point this out gently and asked him not to do it next time, but he got really defensive and felt that I was insulting his ability to do basic tasks. He’s clearly in a sensitive place.) I’ve asked to keep pulling my weight in terms of housework, but he feels like this is one of the only ways he can contribute to our family right now. We used to outsource a lot (laundry, etc) but are trying to cut costs due to living on one salary.

    It’s also taking a toll on our s*x life. We both are pretty hyper-physical, and typically we’re very intimate for a long-term couple, maybe 5-6x a week. Over the past two months, that # has dropped precipitously to maybe 1x a week or less. He rarely comes on to me anymore, often rejects me, and is experiencing ED almost every time – something he had never experienced before.

    He just started seeing a therapist for the first time, and I’m hopeful that will help him get through this period. I know lack of interest in s*x can be a symptom of depression, and his therapist thinks he is experiencing some mild depression. But the s*x thing is starting to weigh on me. I’m trying hard to be understanding – but it’s becoming sad to be rejected constantly. I miss him. And on a purely physical level, my needs aren’t being met. I know it’s a little selfish, but I feel really frustrated and impatient.

    I theorize that the tipping of our gender balance is emasculating to him. While I’m confident he isn’t cheating, I do think he is probably playing with himself a lot more – since he’s home, bored, etc. – which is probably impacting his ability to perform when he is with me. I’ve tried gently discussing these things with him, but bringing them up only seems to make it worse. He told me that s*x feels ’embarrassing’ lately because of his unemployment. Any advice on this? Overall things feel strong, is this really a reason to seek counseling? We’re still very intimate in other ways, holding hands, kissing etc. ‘Spicing things up’ isn’t really an option, because we already are pretty adventurous. I’ve tried new lingerie but it only seems to add to the pressure he is feeling. I know it’s not really my job to make my husband “feel like a man,” but how do I even do that? Do I just need to trust that this is temporary and be patient with him? Because part of me wants to yell at him to take an ED pill and stop jacking off.

    (We’re kind of man-bashy on here, so I’d appreciate compassionate responses. P.S. We’re in our 30s and I do not think there is any physical cause here.)

    1. Do you work out together at all? Maybe take a shower together afterwards and see where things go?

      For the ED, I’d try to focus on fooling around without assuming that it’ll end with traditional gardening – make out in car like teenagers etc.

    2. In my area, there are some support groups specifically for higher level employees who are suddenly unemployed. I think it something related to job search support groups. I know several people who have found them very helpful in not feeling alone or like they are a total failure due to something that is totally out of their control.

      Any chance there is a project he can take on to direct some energy into? Something around the house you’ve been meaning to do? Maybe write something (novel, technical book, job related website)? Maybe volunteer somewhere to get him out and contributing to something, even if it’s not bringing in a paycheck?

      But yes, I mean I can tell you it sounds very much like depression, and maybe he needs to see a doctor about a low dose anti depressant to get him over the hump? My GP gave me a low dose prescription for Zoloft after I took some major hits in my personal life that were making everything seem like the end of the world, and honestly that really helped me with the combination of therapy.

      So, yes, I think you have to have patience, but I totally get how frustrating it is for you as well. Job stress is to hard on relationships, you have all my sympathy and support.

      1. Just a note: for some people, low dose anti-depressants also create issues with exactly the type of problem your husband is experiencing (trying to avoid moderation).

        I’m not saying he shouldn’t look into it — but be advised that the side effect may mean he needs to take another pill for help, or may experience some more difficulty than normal.

      2. +1 to the house project idea. What is something “manly” he can do? Do a built-in bookcase in your living room? Replace the baseboards? Redo a bathroom himself if it doesn’t include plumbing? Repaint the walls?

        Ask him to work with his therapist on defining his definition of himself. One of the pitfalls of a more traditional gender balance is the idea of “should be” vs “is”. Masculine doesn’t have to mean breadwinner, it can mean leader in other areas. I grew up in a very traditional environment, and when men lost their jobs, they tended to look for other ways to lead. In the church, in assistant coaching for a local school team, in taking on a physical hobby.

    3. I think you need to wait it out. Applying more pressure to a situation rarely helps it, and if you can take care of your own needs elsewhere, that might be the best way to go. It’s unfortunate that so much of his self-worth is tied up in his job, though – will you be able to have a successful marriage if he becomes permanently disabled with a back injury or goes through a really long period of unemployment?

    4. Your post expresses a fair amount of frustration – understandably. Make sure you are taking care of yourself in coping with this changed situation at home. Maybe you don’t exactly need therapy, but, you know, put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

    5. I’ll take a stab at your direct question of “how do I make him feel like more of a man?” Could you feign needing his help with some traditionally manly things? Off the top of my head:

      – opening a pickle jar
      – reaching an object on a high shelf
      – lifting a heavy box
      -putting together something you bought (bonus points if you try first and “fail” and need him to fix it)
      – fixing something on your car – even just putting air in the tires
      – accompanying you somewhere at night so you feel safe. Maybe a last minute run to the ATM
      – zipping up your dress
      – taking stuff to the dump
      – if you are rural, chopping firewood
      – fixing a leaky faucet

      1. Along these lines, are there more masculine projects he could be working on while he’s looking for a job? I’m not sure how handy he is but maybe something like building new shelves in the garage, remodeling a guest bathroom, something along those lines that feels productive, helpful, and somewhat “manly”. I’m guessing he’s got himself in a mental spiral about these chores along the lines of “I’m not helpful at all so I guess I should do some chores – this is ‘women’s work’ – oh and I’m not even good at it – I am so worthless.”

        Similarly, could he do something like volunteer for Habitat for Humanity or a food drive or something? I’m trying to think of things he could get involved with that satisfy traditionally masculine roles of being protective and also requires some physical strength.

      2. This is a bit off-putting to me – maybe it will work for OP, but faking being a damsel in distress to pump up the male ego is a little…gross.

        1. I’m going to take a wild guess that you’ve never been married. When you’re desperate to help someone you love, pumping up their ego isn’t “gross”.

          1. Actually, I am married and have been with my husband for 9 years. Every marriage looks different, I guess.

        2. +1

          Maybe a better way to put this point – can you two come up with a list of tasks around the house so he has something concrete to focus on and accomplish during the day? This isn’t so much about making him “feel like a man” as it is helping him to feel like he’s being a productive contributor to your shared home and life.

        3. Yes, theoretically and academically, men should not rely on traditional gender roles to define their sense of self worth.

          In reality, people are who they are, and sometimes we need to step away from how people *should* be and support them as they are.

          What do you want the OP to say, “Darling, I recognize you’re feeling badly about yourself, but I refuse to cave to patriarchal ideas about the male ego to prop up your fragile sense of self. Love ya!”

        4. It’s off putting to me too but she said they have traditional gender roles, she didn’t want to debate that aspect and she wants ideas to make him feel more like a man. I think my suggestions are what she was seeking even if it isn’t something I would choose for myself.

          1. Still. She could be like “it’s so s9xy when a man is in the kitchen” or whatever. Be more supportive!

        5. I’m an extremely capable, physically strong, tall, feminist and I totally ask dudes to help me open jars or get things off tall shelves. I don’t think that’s feigning.

          1. I guess my point with the comment is that it’s a little gross because it’s so fake and obvious. “Oh honey, can you fix this for me? Teehee, you’re SO strong!” Wouldn’t he see right through that and be annoyed? Maybe it makes more sense to make sure to praise him when he does something strong on his own (“thanks for fixing the fence, honey!”) but it goes way too far to fake it constantly.

        6. I agree. I can’t imagine faking distress – my husband would find this weird and offensive. I would genuinely ask for help a bit sooner vs. continuing to try and to something myself.

      3. If he’s into fixing things can he sign up on Handy or other website to go and install stuff in other people’s homes?

    6. On the chores, years ago one of the older women at work (whose husband stepped back from his career) told me to remember just because he doesn’t do it your way, doesn’t mean it is wrong. She gave me this advice after I was complaining about how nothing in the kitchen was organized right after my SO took over doing more of the housework. Taking this to heart, and only discussing when it is objectively wrong really helped us stop bickering. My SO, however, is scared of going near my delicates and will do all the laundry except for them because he doesn’t want to mess anything up.

      1. +1

        My husband lost his job a number of years ago, struggled to get back into the job market, and we finally decided that the job offers he was receiving didn’t even cover the cost of daycare and it made sense for him to pick up contract work he can do from home until he can find a position that puts us ahead financially. He’s now a SAHD and freelancer.

        It took me a long time to accept that he does things differently than I do. I focused on expressing gratitude for all he was doing around the house, and complimenting the things he was doing well. We’ve also discussed division of labor – because I know if the shoe was on the other foot and I was home, I’d still expect him to mow the lawn and take out the trash and chop the firewood etc… So I take care of some laundry and picking up and dusting to make sure he also has some down time.

      2. +1 to this. My husband just started working again after being unemployed for 5 months. We too have more traditional gender roles, and our relationship did feel a bit like a strange new world there for awhile while I went to work and he stayed home to do dishes and laundry. Unless something was going to damage the appliance or seriously ruin our stuff, I kept my mouth shut about the way he did things around the house (it was hard, and yes, I lost a few items of clothing to dryer shrinkage, but it was worth it to keep the peace and not damage his self-esteem even more).

        There was a bit of a learning curve on how to deal with his unemployment, but over time I found it best to treat it like a temporary hiccup (“When you get your next job…” or “Of course you’re going to go back to work by this date” or whatever), even if the unemployment road seemed endless at times. I think it made him feel like I still had confidence in him and I still saw him as a provider (even though I was providing for us just fine). I also left him to his own devices during the day, meaning I only asked him to help with specific tasks when I really needed it versus leaving him a specific list of chores to accomplish. Housework was totally foreign to my husband, but he figured out, and when I was giving him detailed instructions or tasks, it just made him feel even more powerless. Once I let him be an adult and work on finding a job/keeping our house up as he saw fit, things seemed to get a little better between us.

        Hang in there. It’s not fun but I promise there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!

    7. Do you compliment him? Make him feel good and wanted in a way that is meaningful to him? What do you do to get him in the mood? I’m trying to think what would be effective if the roles were reversed. Because if a man complained that his high-achieving wife is depressed after losing her job and isn’t as receptive to s9x anymore, I think the response would be “no $hit Sherlock” and to back off.

      1. Yeah, this sounds totally normal to me. You have a right to be frustrated, but I would really flex your compassion muscle and deal with that yourself. Give him time and more support.

    8. Get a vibrator and deal with your needs. He’s going through a really stressful time and is seeking help. Calm down and let him work through it a bit!

  13. But that blouse isn’t silk. That’s exactly why I hate that brand name.

  14. Ooh, I really like this top. I don’t wear red, but I like the black a lot – so I’m glad the it’s sold out in my size since I’ve bought too many clothes lately anyway. :)

  15. I’m blanking on appropriate wording for an email. I’m casually looking for a new job and a senior lawyer at another firm that I know (and worked with on a case) sent an email to some colleagues and me telling us she was moving firms. Her new firm sounds amazing and right up my alley. I sent her a congratulatory email and she responded thanking me and saying she was hoping we could find opportunities to work together (I’m assuming she means our firms).

    Is there a tactful way I can respond saying hey I would also love to work at your new firm if opportunities arise, and make it clear that I’m looking without making it too obvious that I’m job hunting?

    TIA!

    1. “I’d love to have an opportunity to work together in the future. I’m open to different options as to what that might involve. Let me know if you’re available to meet for coffee and we can discuss.”

      1. Yep, this. Better to do the discussion in person (or, if you’re in different locations, maybe by phone?)

    2. Just now finding this.
      Perhaps send the message from your g m a i l or other non-work account?

    3. I wouldn’t do the — keep me in mind if opportunities arise — thing via email bc people forget. Why not ask her out to coffee? BUT I also wouldn’t do that right now as she is settling into her new firm. Give her a month or two and then ask her to grab coffee — and then IN PERSON you can talk about your career; ask about her firm; express your interest etc. In person is best. If you’re far apart – you can set up a call in 1-2 months. But the congrats email followed by “keep me in mind” comes off tacky I think.

    4. Thank you all for this. I might email her the suggested script above in the new year.

      I was totally blanking on this so really appreciate the suggestions!

  16. I’m the poster who lost 10 pounds in two months and some of you asked what I meant by controlled carbs.
    For me, it’s tough to do low carb as I’m vegetarian. Plus I need fuel to work out, and I become tired and grumpy if I do a low carb diet.

    So I focused on 80-120g carbs daily. Low enough to lose 1-2 pounds a week, high enough to keep me energized.
    Hope this helps.

  17. Going to The Inn at Little Washington for a big burthday this weekend. Any recommendations on what to do or eat? We’re spending the night and having dinner.

    2. I think that they usually have their “classics” menu and a more avant-garde menu. We got the classic menu and thought it was fantastic; it’s dishes that they’re known for/have had on their menu for years. If it’s in your budget and you love wine, the wine pairing was 100% worth it for us. It changed the entire way that I thought about wine and food together.

    4. It’s a set menu, you don’t choose dishes a la carte, so there’s little choice about what you eat, although they can do substitutions if you don’t eat something or have an allergy.

    5. If you like cheese, one of you must get the cheese cart for dessert. Please. Just do it.

  18. How much should I be putting in my TSP? I’m a new federal employee, age thirty, with no retirement savings other than last year’s Roth IRA, but no debt. Is it enough to contribute to the TSP and fully fund a Roth every year? Retirement planning wasn’t on my radar during law school or clerking, and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at this point. Any advice would be appreciated.

    1. Contribute as much as you can possibly afford and also make sure you have a decent emergency savings account. I recommend reading some personal finance blogs or books; demystifying the world of personal finance makes it a LOT less stressful.

    2. Does your agency have a person who explains all of the options to you? My husband is a federal employee and someone with the benefits office or whatever came to our house and showed us all these different options and did the math with us on how much we should contribute into which plan to meet our retirement goals. It was really helpful! My friend is a financial planner so I had her look over everything and she agreed with what we were doing.

    3. I contribute the minimum required for matching so I’m not losing that opportunity, I forget what that is (3% of pay check?) and I’m not sure if that is agency specific. But, different financial situation (debt/other savings taking place/good-ish retirement built up so far). I also haven’t had the time to do my due diligence on where the TSP will fall in my priority list of savings when I have the time to check in with everything. The first thing I would do is check or ask HR if there is matching at a certain point, then at least do that if it’s in your budget.

    5. Definitely enough to get the match (free money twice over!) and beyond that, as much as you can afford. The TSP fees are maybe literally unbeatable among investment options.

    6. If I’m reading it right, you’re 30 with $5500 in retirement savings? I’m not sure why people are telling you to only contribute to the match. You should be contributing 18k or as close to that as you can afford so as to “catch up” for the law school and clerking years.

      1. +1

        Make this your priority after making sure your emergency fund is up to snuff.

        — advice from someone who didn’t start a retirement account until her mid-30s because of years and years and years of school…

    7. Contribute the maximum. Put it in a lifecycle fund for your retirement year. I don’t know why you’d bother with a Roth if you are not maxing out the TSP. The TSP is an incredible opportunity.

  19. Someone asked for recommendations for belts yesterday, but it just resulted in a discussion in the pros and cons of wearing one.

    So, assuming one needs a belt so her jeans don’t sag (and doesn’t want recs for jeans that won’t), what belts would you wear? Any recommendations for ones that have buckles that don’t protrude too much? And what width of belt are people wearing these days?

      1. Yep – this is the one I wear all the time. I’ve bought 3-4 of them bc I’ve worn them out.

    4. I wear men’s belts. Much better leather quality and cheaper. And flatter buckles. I guess they’re more functional.

  20. Does anyone else feel like the election has completely changed social media for them?

    I don’t tend to get political on there, but did post a few articles in the run-up about s3xual a**ault and the conversation around it and I don’t think it’s any large secret amongst my circle which way I lean. A high percentage of my friends list is still posting petitions, boycott lists, etc. while others have disappointed me with their endorsement of hate and changed how I see them forever.

    I feel like I won’t ever get back to “normal” of posting dog and vacay photos and inspiring quotes because it’s not that important when there are so much bigger problems right now. Sound familiar to anyone?

    1. Yes, this is me, except I never posted anything on facebook before. I am now taking a break because I want to be more productive in my posting, whereas I have been ranting and posting articles that my non-liberal friends will either skip or hate, and I want to think about how to get the country to actually come together and have productive conversations.

    2. I feel like this about 95% of the things in my life right now, for what it’s worth. Like, going to barre? Really? Is that $130/month and 4-5 hours/week the best use of my financial and temporal resources? I keep reminding myself that self-care is important and that it’s going to be a long road…but under no circumstances do I want to lose sight of the anger and determination that I feel right now.

      1. Being in good physical condition seems like a good priority to me. You never know when you might need to run away or punch someone.

  21. Can I get off of a steering committee for a professional organization I’m on?

    My boss put me on it (she herself isn’t involved in the organization, just thought it’d be a good opportunity). Turns out I greatly dislike the people on it (the worst aspects of big law lawyers, all in one small conference room – yay!!) and their focus doesn’t align with mine professionally. Basically, I don’t give a rat’s a$$ about it, and I want all the emails and requests for ideas and “hey guys, conference call today!” to stop. The term runs until next September…and yeah, I’m already over it after just 2 months.

    My boss would have no earthly idea if I removed myself from it. It’s one of those things where she thought she was trying to be helpful and fun and nice, but really, shoot me now.

    There are 18 people on the committee for a tiny chapter of a national organization. The chapter only has 30 members, so the ratio says they’re not gonna miss me. Thoughts?

    1. Can you stay on it, but pull way back? Do you HAVE to respond to every email or join every conference call? I would commit to joining one meeting a month, but otherwise just not respond all the time. If they called me out, “oh sorry, I’ve been swamped at work, and it seemed like you had enough input to move forward. what do you need from me?” Then graciously step back next September, citing that your workload just doesn’t let you be as involved as you’d like.

  22. The financial advisor post above reminded me: how do you figure out a financial plan with your SO? My fiance owns his own company and makes $120k, I’m recently graduated, currently job hunting, expecting about $60k. He bought a house two years ago, and I’m bringing about $60k in student debt.

    Should we see a financial advisor, or is there a book or other process for sitting down and making financial decisions as a couple? I’ve been asking questions to try to get the whole picture of our finances, and I’m a little surprised at some of the answers I’m getting (re saving priorities, etc), but I want to make sure we’re not missing anything that will come as a nasty shock later when we realize that the things we had just assumed aren’t true. (Eg: he prefers to have a minimum amount in savings and punt everything into money market accounts as “savings” and longer-term investments. This contradicts my liquid-EF beliefs.)

    1. Like how you do at work – say you’re going to set up a meeting and do it. Bring out all of the paperwork. Donation goals. Gifts for family members. It’s holiday season, probably a good time to bring it up.

  23. My husband goes to str|p clubs 1 or 2 times a year with coworkers or buddies to celebrate big events in their lives. I hate it. It makes me feel insecure and paranoid, and I cannot understand why it gets a free pass in popular culture as “not cheating” when a topless woman is dancing on top of a married man.

    Are there any women on this page that DON’T mind if their partner goes to str|p clubs? I feel like me saying “This makes me uncomfortable and upset” should be enough of a reason to stop him from going, but am I being unreasonable?

    1. I don’t mind–I think they are tacky and silly, and since I am neither, I’m very secure knowing that my boyfriend is getting something entirely different from me than from that experience. I’ve been to one myself, which I might suggest. They are much less classy/sexy than film and media would have you believe.

      That said, I do not think it is unreasonable to be uncomfortable and upset, and I would 100% expect visits to cease if I said “This makes me uncomfortable and upset.” How does your husband view the visits?

      1. I don’t mind if my husband goes. I’ve also been to one myself before. It was different than I expected. I think it’s similar to him watching adult movies, which also doesn’t bother me.

        Are the big events things like bachelor parties? That might be more difficult to convince him not to attend, especially if he’s in the wedding party.

        He should definitely at least consider your feelings on it though. What does he say when you’ve talked about it?

    2. I wouldn’t mind if husband went to a strip club every now and then, but I would mind if he went regularly. I would also expect him to stop going if I told him it upset me.

    3. My husband has gone to strip clubs a couple times in the past. I don’t care at all. I think they’re stupid and unnecessary, but I’ve been to them as well and I realized they’re just silly and over-the-top. There’s nothing sensual about them. My husband has told me that he thinks they’re silly, too, and has just gone when people he was with wanted to go.

      All that said, if I told him that him going made me uncomfortable and upset, he would stop and wouldn’t go again. So, I think you have that right to say that and have him respect that.

      1. This. My SO goes probably 5-6 times a year. Doesn’t bother me. But the only thing that matters is how you feel. I would absolutely expect him to stop if it did bother me.

      2. +1 to all of this.

        My husband actually encouraged me to go with him once because he was convinced that, if I actually saw it for myself, I would be waaaaaaaaay less worried about it because I would see how silly and over the top and non-sensual they were. And he was right. Holy hell, it was actually hilariously over the top and I’m 90% sure that most of the dancers were writing their grocery lists in their head.

        Also, shockingly*, they don’t all look like Demi Moore in Striptease (*sarcasm).

      3. Same. My husband occasionally goes with friends if there’s a boxing match and some friends want to go. I’ve been with him on occasion, it’s not lap dances everywhere, just overpriced drinks and girls doing their jobs. Not exactly super sexy places.

    4. I don’t mind either, but my husband isn’t really into them and goes once in a blue moon (maybe once a year) when it is part of a bachelor party and everyone else participating really wants to go (in other words, he isn’t the one making the plans). I would feel differently if my husband was going on a regular basis. I would agree with the other Anon that I recognize that they aren’t classy/s*xy places (at least where we live).

      That said, if I told my husband I was uncomfortable with him going I would expect him to stop going.

    5. My husband has gone and I’ve tried to just not think about it. I’d say 1-2 times per year makes it a regular practice for him (not a habit, but a regular occurrence). It would bother me. It’s not like watching porn bc it’s a public activity. It is an activity men do together which gives it a nonsexual aspect that’s merely about observing women in a sexualized context while maintaining a non sexual camaraderie with their buddies.

    6. First off, I agree with your last sentence that you telling him that it’s important to you should be enough for him to seriously reconsider his habits or at least be willing to discuss some boundaries – for example, if he wants to go celebrate with his friends, could he at agree not to get any private dances or maybe to stay at the bar and not near the dancers. (Depending on layout.)

      But to your other point, I’ll say that I am fine with my partner going to str|p clubs. Topless dancing to thumping music is not something I would ever expect to be part of the relationship between him and me, so it sort of gets filed away into the part of his life that is external to our relationship. I know the foundation our relationship is built on, and his going to clubs presents absolutely no threat to that foundation. He probably goes to str|p clubs 4-5 times/year, and he has never once indicated that he thought of the women as anything more than somewhat interchangeable performers. (Tbh, that objectification bothers me more than any feelings of insecurity or threat to our relationship.)

      Not sure how comfortable you’d be with this, but maybe you and he could go to one together, if you’ve never been previously. I have been to str|p clubs an average of probably once a year in adulthood and I think the fact that they’re a space I feel comfortable in also helps with not worrying when my partner goes.

    7. I hear you on the cultural pass. My view is the rules don’t change just because you’re in a strip club. If it’s not ok in our relationship for a woman to grind up on you (and it’s not) then it doesn’t become ok just because she’s a stripper.

      But I also understand that going to strip clubs can be part of important male bonding moments, like bachelor parties. I wouldn’t want DH to have to bow out of his good friend’s b-party because he couldn’t step foot in a strip club. I just have to trust him that he won’t get a lap dance. Which is really no different from trusting him to not do something with a woman in a non-strip club, IMO. It would bother me if DH were the one initiating the strip club visits though. If you’re the bachelor, you’re getting a lap dance, which is absolutely not ok with me.

      Have you talked to your husband about this?

    8. I don’t mind, but he also doesn’t enjoy going to them and doesn’t go with any regularity at all. If he did enjoy it and wanted to go often, I would be weirded out by it. I get that is a thing some types of guys do for bonding, so maybe it would help to understand why they all go. I always thought it was a little weird for men to want to be turned on together, or kind of depressing for them to have to pay someone to pretend to be attracted to them (how is that a fun thing to do on a special occasion??), but I doubt that is their main motivating factor.

    9. I completely understand and encourage you to talk to your husband about this. If it really bothers you, he should be willing to stop going. A fun event 1-2x per year where there are hundreds of other options for fun events out there should not happen when it makes you uncomfortable. I would be pissed if my husband went, but he wouldn’t because he knows that it’s really important to me to not participate in this kind of objectification.

    10. I don’t mind at all. It’s once or twice a year with friends- to me that’s just a social outlet. I read trashy romance novels, I assume he looks at porn. He comes home to me and I don’t consider it cheating.

    11. I don’t mind if my partner goes to strip clubs occasionally but my rule is there can be absolutely zero touching. ZERO. This was a boundary I set when he told me about his prior history at strip clubs. And yes ladies, you can pay for anything there. ANYTHING.

    12. My husband goes if a bachelor party is going – so maybe once every 1.5 years and I am fine with it. I would not be fine with it being his idea or going for events other than that because I understand there is a cultural expectation there. I have no issue with the cheating aspect (as in I know my husband would never touch or do anything inappropriate) which is what a lot of other commentators are focusing on, but I have a problem with the dynamics and power/gender dynamics at play. I think it reinforces ideas that women are objects and from a feminist perspective I am not 100 percent comfortable with that.

    13. My H goes 1-2 times a year as part of bachelor parties and the like. I went with him to one once and we got a lapdance together – it was fun. I think it’s different than if a random non-professional started grinding on him – that would be a sign that she’s interested in hooking up, which I wouldn’t be ok with, whereas there’s not going to be anything happening with the stripper after the show.

      I would have a problem with it if H went regularly, by himself or with friends, as more of a routine recreational activity. That would send me the message that he has some *need* to see women perform for him, and that feels a little icky compared to when it’s an occasional novelty.

    14. Ugh. I am so happy that Lovely Husband and his friends (and also my son and his friends, so I don’t think it’s an age thing) would never in a million years consider going to such a place.

      I get that is may be cultural in some areas but I also feel like if the women put their collective feet down and said to their husbands “I get that this is cultural, but it is sexist and outmoded and reinforces the idea that women are objects and I am not okay with it and strongly request that you not participate,” then it would stop being part of the culture.

      So for me it’s not so much “it’s like cheating and it makes me insecure” as it is “it’s a disgustingly sexist relic of the patriarcy and it makes me ragey.” But either way I think he should stop going if you ask him to.

      1. Yeah, if only the patriarchy were in the past. These “relics” are part and parcel of a current, ongoing, seemingly never-ending cycle of women’s oppression.

      2. +1 I don’t consider it cheating, but I do consider it sexist and objectifying to women and I’m not interested in being in relationship with someone or even being friends with a man who thinks that paying to look at anonymous dancing naked women counts as a fun recreational/bonding activity.

    15. My husband and I used to fight about this. He also goes 1-2 a year for bachelor parties and birthdays. His perspective is that it is harmless entertainment and not sexual. My perspective is that a topless or naked woman rubbing her ass on your crotch is not okay just because she’s getting paid to do it and you don’t get a boner. Actually, in some ways it’s worse that you’re paying for her to do it. He finally realized how much it upset me, and on that basis agreed to a no touching policy going forward.

      I don’t really care if he goes and just watches, although I still think the whole thing is uncool and regressive.

      Thankfully his best friend’s bachelor party has been and gone at this point….

      Nb. I have been to a strip club with him, which really did nothing to change my opinion of anything, and I do not care at all whether he watches porn (he does).

  24. “This makes me uncomfortable and upset” — This is totally enough of a reason for him to stop going.

    My DH doesn’t go to strip clubs and I wouldn’t be okay with it if he did. However, I get that others are fine with it. – each relationship is different. What matters is whether or not you are okay with it. If you’re not, that’s reason enough for him to stop. Ask him if he would be okay with the reverse situation, and if not, why he expects you to be okay with this.

    1. This. “What matters is whether or not you are fine with it.” I personally don’t mind and personally don’t see it as cheating, but I’m not you and my DH isn’t yours. As with issues of merging money vs keeping separate accounts, whether you share passwords, etc.: every marriage is different what works perfectly well in another marriage doesn’t mean it should be the way things go in *your*marriage. And…yeah, he doesn’t get to make that decision unilaterally if you feel strongly.

  25. Has anyone tried one of those new brushes meant to straighten curly hair? I have very thick, very curly hair that takes for-flipping-ever to straighten with a brush and hair dryer, and a flatiron has to be set to the highest, most damaging heat setting before it will even think of doing the job — not to mention the fact that I am terrified of burning myself with the thing. I’ve seen these brushes advertised and have thought that might just be the gadget that does the trick, but thought I’d ask around for suggestions/recommendations before I try one. TIA.

    1. I just tried the John Freda hot round brush that has like a bazillion positive reviews on Amazon. I don’t have wild and crazy curly hair, just wavy and inconsistent when left to its own devices. I was so underwhelmed and unimpressed. It was like a weak blow drier with a round brush attachment. Either I used it wrong or the people it helps have the finest limpest hair. Total fail for me. I’ll keep blowing my head of with my babyliss and then frying my hair with my straightener at 450 degrees. The price I pay to not spend over 20 minutes on my hair I guess!

      1. I bought one also, a heated flat paddle brush type of thing. I can’t remember the brand but it did not work very well. Honestly, the “As Seen on TV” InStyler works for me! It doesn’t dry; you have to use it on dry hair. I must admit that I have burned myself, so you do have to be very careful. It gives my hair a bit more bounce and movement than a flat iron.

        1. That paddle brush thing was what I had been looking at. I guess it’s not what it’s cracked up to be! I’ve heard good things about the InStyler – I may look into that and see if it might work. Thank you for the burn warning on it! I’m a total klutz with anything hot like that.

  26. Going to an important meeting in Houston next week. Business casual, will probably wear a pencil skirt or dress. Is it time for black tights there yet? Or still bare legs/nylons?

    1. I’m in Houston- almost everyone is still bare legged, but there’s a c old front moving through tonight. If the temp is less than 60* next week, expect to see black tights.

    2. I’m still bare legged because it’s 78 degrees right now and I don’t know that I’ve seen black tights on anyone yet. That said, there are some people that start dressing like fall just because they’re ready for the change. I don’t think you would look completely out of place either way, but you might be warm (especially if you may be going outside for any reason). Also it looks like we might get a breeze of a cool front this weekend, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to last more than a day or two.

  27. I have a 4 x 4 photo frame and an 8.5 x 11 piece of photo paper that I want to print a pic collage onto.

    Is there an easy way to take jpg photos I have, make a collage of them, and then print that at the right size (4 x 4) so I can cut it out and stick it in the picture frame?

    If a pic collage is asking too much, I would settle for taking one photo and making it 4 x 4.

    1. I actually use powerpoint to do this. You can create a 4×4 box on the page and set up the collage in there. When you print, make sure the setting is on print actual size and not size to fit.

    2. You can do this in Picasa – a free photo editor program from Google. It may take some tinkering with the print settings to get it to fit your 4×4 frame, but you can set the collage to square (like a CD cover) so that it is automatically squared for you.

  28. For those of you calling your representatives, does that include reps with whom you disagree? Like how much good will it do if I call Ted Cruz’s office or do you still do it? My congressman is the same. Im feeling almost like a resident of dc since my reps dont represent my views…

    1. I’m struggling with the opposite situation, which is that my Senator is Elizabeth Warren. I love her and completely agree with her, but she is also so far ahead of the game that it seems silly to call her staff and be like, “hey, is Senator Warren going to speak out against Trump’s plan to eliminate the head-of-household status and raise taxes on single parent families?” Because of course she is. So I haven’t been calling her staff, but perhaps I should anyway?

      1. I think, if I were you, I would go ahead and call and say “I fully support the stance that Senator Warren is taking on…”

        2. Or “I really appreciate the work Senator Warren is doing in this . . .”

          A little praise never hurt anyone

    2. I’m stuck calling Ted Cruz. I’ll do it regardless, even though I know he doesn’t care.

    3. I recently contacted all of my representatives on a state issue, including representatives I do not agree with. They may not agree with my stance, but they need to know what their constituents think. They don’t represent my views, and I think it’s good for them and their staff to be reminded that there are people they represent who think differently. Will they change their minds? Probably not, but I think it’s good for them to hear dissenting views from their constituency.

    4. I saw a very interesting twitter post (series of posts actually) from a hill staffer that explains why calling anyone other than your reps is a complete waste of time. Look for Cap hill style on twitter – she retweeeted it.

      1. That’s not true – trust me, when the phones are ringing off the hook, they care. They won’t change their stance or anything, but it’s annoying, persistent, and un-ignorable.

    5. Yes, please call your reps/Senators, even when you disagree or if you think that they’re already going to do something that you want them to do. We need to hear from everyone. When my boss is going to vote on something big/controversial/whatever, he/she always wants to know how many calls/emails/letters we’ve gotten from each side. He/she will go with what the majority of people want, but at least we are aware that there’s a minority that feels differently. That also helps us understand how/to what extent we need to address those concerns in the future. Even if your representative or Senator is never going to agree with you, they don’t deserve a free pass.

      That said, our office is always really on top of tracking/responding our constituent mail. Not all offices are necessarily the same.

      Another thing that I recommend is to go to town hall-style meetings when they’re back home in the state/district. Formats differ, but generally, you can get up and ask a question about whatever you want.

      And yes, please don’t call or write to reps other than your own. It’s a waste of time and effort.

      1. Does this hold true for people like Paul Ryan, who is the Speaker? Or someone who is the majority/minority leader in their respective legislative body?

  29. What are you supposed to wear for a company holiday party where they don’t specify a dress code? This is my first year with them, it’s a pretty big company, it’s not until mid Dec luckily…

    2. Are there any women you work with that you could ask? Or maybe any copies of old company newsletters in the reception area that you could sneak a peek at that might have pictures from last year’s holiday party? If they don’t specify a dress code, it may be a case where “anything goes” — and that can be Very Dangerous Territory.

      If you ask, you may be told “oh, people just wear anything,” your best bet may be to go with a simple LBD with dressier jewelry or dressy black pants and a pretty, festive top (Kat’s featured blouse today would be nice for a holiday party.) You could also do the dressy black pants or a black skirt and a glittery sleeveless top under a black tuxedo jacket. The jacket can hide the top — which would just lend a hint of color/sparkle/festiveness if everyone else is dressed down a bit, and if they’re dressed up a bit more, you can take the jacket off, throw on a sparkly bracelet or earrings, add a red lip (a couple quick touches you can do in just a couple minutes after a quick scan of the room once you get there) and manage to look like you had it all planned out.

      Good luck! I hate when you have no dress code to go by and have to fish for information. Hopefully if you ask, someone will tell you and you won’t have to fly blind on this one!

    3. Ask another woman in your department. It really varies from company to company– at my old firm, we all changed into cocktail dresses, while at my current firm, people wear a sparkly sweater or just a suiting dress with a statement necklace.

      1. “Or maybe any copies of old company newsletters in the reception area that you could sneak a peek at that might have pictures from last year’s holiday party?” This is smart advice. Also consider checking the company’s Facebook photos from the year before.

  30. I finally made partner after being a super senior associate for years (I’m at my fourth law firm). Three partners were instrumental in getting me elected and voted in. I’d like to do so something special for them, especially since I don’t work with two of them and won’t be able to pay them back through working on their matters. Would a gift card to their favorite restaurant be too weird/impersonal? Should I stick with a bottle of wine or champagne? About how much do you consider to be the right amount for a good bottle of wine? I drink three dollar wine so I don’t know what the difference is between a $20 bottle or a $50 or $80 but I’m willing to spend up to $100 for each gift. Too many options out there. Help!

    1. No gift cards!

      Can you just take them to lunch or a nice dinner to spend some time in person with them?

    3. No gift cards! If you are sure they like wine, send them each a nice bottle of Veuve Clicquot champagne with a note. It’s a nice fancy but not too fancy brand and you can get it for $60 or so on sale. They have a rose version that is fun and a little different.

  31. I got a telling off at work today for using the internet for personal…in periods of time when I absolutely no work to do…because my superiors are micromanagers and won’t assign responsibility for more tasks. They were concerned about “time management.” I asked them to give me examples of any time I have ever been late on completing work and there were none.

    I’m so ticked off. And yes I’m using the internet right now while all my superiors are in a meeting, ha.

    1. Are there some personal enrichment programs you can start on your own? Learning a new computer skill? Continuing Ed? Ask different colleagues for more work that can enhance your position/contacts?

      Otherwise, I would be looking for a new job, as this situation is going to eat you alive.

  32. What do people do with their engagement ring at the gym?

    It’s not a problem on the bike or doing floor exercises but for weights or sets that include catching a medicine ball for example, I don’t want it moving around and getting banged up. I know there is the locker, but given that locks aren’t terribly hard to pick and it is the most valuable thing I own, I feel a little uneasy about it in there – also what if I forget to put it on afterwards, I don’t want it in my bag for too long risking falling out on the walk home. I go to the gym after work, so it’s not like I can leave it at home. And it seems those “ring coozies” went out of business. Any similar ones? Those seem to be the best bet… unless I get a sturdy necklace and loop it on?

    Yes, I know this is a first world question, but I’m just trying to come up with a solution here.

    3. get a long chain and put it around your neck. Get a long chain– long enough that your ring would hang below your b**bs, so you can tuck it in your top and it won’t fall out, even when you’re doing squats/moving around

    6. I tuck it into the credit card slot or zippered back pocket thing right above your backside that lots of athletic bottoms have. Seems like a silly feature, but those, and the thumb holes in my heavy duty sweatshirts are now must haves for me for gym gear.

      1. I do this and also safety pin it so I’m less paranoid about it coming out if for some reason the pocket gets unzipped

    7. Why can’t you leave them at home? I don’t think it’s a big deal not to wear your ring at work on gym days. FWIW, I got a simple blank band that I wear on errands and when we travel. There’s really no reason for me to worry about my 1 ct 1960s ring nor have someone hold me up for it or chop off my finger. Yes we have lived and travelled abroad in not-so-nice places and I grew up in one as well. I’m very conscious of my street appearance.

      I know that the current crowd wears massive ones and with lots of smaller around them; it would make me even more likely to leave it at hone and not in my car either. If someone randomly steals your car … they get a nice suprise.

      I am old enough to see the ring as nothing more than a symbol of the promise my LH made to me (nod to Senior Attorney for that honorific) . It’s not a status symbol. It’s not reflective of the size of his love and care for me. Even if it were, it should not be anyone’s concern nor interest … I think this uber fascination with humongous rings is overboard, obvi.

      1. Nice job shoehorning in some judgmental condescension into an answer to a practical question.

      2. Well, I have the ring that I have; I can’t change it. I used to work out in the gym in our apartment building and would leave it in our home. We moved and I am starting to go to (an outside) gym everyday, so not wearing it on gym days would be never wearing it because I go after work nearly every day.

        And ya know what, I really love it and want to wear it. It is beautiful and makes me smile because it is a gift my guy put a lot of thought into, and I would still be just as thrilled to marry him if he couldn’t afford to give me such a lovely ‘symbol of the promise.’ But I also want to take care of it (and not hurt myself, as pointed out below) which is why I used to keep it at home when the gym was in our building and why I don’t bring it on beach or ‘roughing it’ vacations either. So, good for you, not for me.

        Thanks to others for the helpful and useful advice.

    8. I keep a little silk zipper bag in my purse, and put my jewelry into that when I work out. Link to follow.

    9. I put my jewelry in a little coin purse in my gym bag when I change clothes. It gets locked up with everything else, either in my car or my locker. One day I did get panicked when I couldn’t find the coin purse when I got home, but it had gotten stuck inside my shoe. Because it was the same color as the shoe lining, I had totally missed it when I unpacked and put my shoes away.

    10. Degloving (google it if you dare) is also a risk when you wear rings while weightlifting and doing certain other types of exercise. So definitely don’t wear them.

    11. I typically work out right after work, so leaving it at home isn’t an option, and I don’t like leaving it in a gym locker either. I typically either wear it, or if I’m doing something that might damage it or hurt me, tuck into the tiny front waistband pocket of my leggings. Zella or Lululemon have these tiny slits in the band of their leggings for your keys (I think) but I use it for my engagement and wedding rings in a pinch. It’s fine as long as you’re not doing a headstand or anything.

    12. One of our coaches ties hers in to her shoelaces, which I think is cute and useful. I put jewelry in my zipper pockets.

      Also look for Qualo rings if that is of interest to you.

    13. This isn’t a fool-proof method, but I keep a mini pill case in my purse and slip my rings into it before I go down to the gym (office gym). I like to do that because I do forget to put it back on, but then it’s in my purse so it’ll likely be on me or very close to me when I eventually remember to put it back on. Like I said, not fool proof, but I like the pill box instead of a pocket or baggie for whatever reason. Link in next post to the container I’m talking about.

    14. Can you get a running belt and keep in in there? They are made to keep personal items (like keys and ID cards) safe during exercise.

  33. Big big big boss (five levels up from me) emailed me to tell me I did a nice job on a project. I have met him but never had a meaningful interaction with him. Do I write back and say “thank you”? I don’t want to come across like I don’t care about being polite but I also don’t want to give off the vibe that I think I deserve congrats for doing my job well.

      1. Always thank someone for a kind word, whether it’s a stranger on the subway or the CEO.

        1. I think the issue that has come up is writing a thank you note for a bonus that you earned, which is considered not the appropriate response. I think that’s why OP is asking about this situation and where it falls on the thank you spectrum.

          1. I get that, but to me this is a very different situation from getting a bonus. No need to thank for a bonus, but if someone takes the time to email (especially big big boss), a short and friendly response seems appropriate.

    2. Sure, email him back. “Thanks! It was a great to have a chance to work with X on the project.” where you insert some very short detail (a person, a department, a topic).

    3. Yes, say thank you. You can even mention something about how wonderfully your bosses mentored you or something to that effect and copy them (my company has a culture of cc’ing immediate supervisors if you’re emailing someone way up, even if it’s a response).

Comments are closed.