Coffee Break: Bel Air Clutch
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Ooh: I'm really liking this new series of bags from Balenciaga, including this clutch/purse.
I was initially attracted to the picture above, with the model holding the bag by the top handle — but the bag can also be worn as a long shoulder bag. (They don't show it as a crossbody, but I'll bet you could wear it as such if you prefer that style.)
The bag comes in burgundy and black, and is $2,650 at NET-A-PORTER and other department stores.
Looking for something similar but for less? This DeMellier bag or this Veronica Beard would be my first choice (both just under $500); the Pia bag from Teddy Blake is similar and on sale at Nordstrom.
On theme today: an upside down striped halter top. I'm not sure I'd wear it to work, but you do you!
Sales of note for 3/10/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + 20% off
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale and select styles with code
- J.Crew – 40% off everything + extra 20% off when you buy 3+ styles
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off all pants & sweaters; extra 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Flash sale until midday 3/14: $50 off every $200 – combineable with other offers, including 40% off one item and 30% off everything else
I need your help whether or not to go to an event in Florida this year, below are my considerations:
– I am not personally in medical danger as I’ve had my tubes removed.
– I do not support the current American political regime and I don’t want to give Florida my money
– This is probably a once in a lifetime event, it will be such good memories and something I really want without an equivalent anywhere in the world. Though lesser options do exist, and if I skipped this event I’d probably go to one of the lesser options.
– I have lots of vacation time and funds so this doesn’t impact any other travel.
– I already do a lot politically and make personal sacrifices on the daily (I only shop local, am vegan, car free, vote and volunteer, donate money, etc).
Should I go? I guess part of me wants to be selfish because I already make so many sacrifices others don’t, but it’s probably the right thing to skip.
I think you’re also supposed to enjoy your life and take advantage of opportunitites that you would like to participate in. While you can take actions to influence the world (and it sounds like you do), you don’t have to give up life. I would absolutely go to this and have fun doing so.
I would go.
Yes.
Value the humans actually in your life above all else. If you feel that bad after, make some donations that you feel even things up on a psychic level. But your humans would likely value your presence above presents, if that makes sense. Traveling can be hard in many different ways.
Skipping this will have zero impact on who Florida elects. Go.
Go. Without a doubt, go, for an important event. You’ll regret it forever if you don’t show up for your loved ones. The only reason I would even consider skipping it would be if I was pregnant or hoping to become pregnant and my physical safety might be at risk.
I went to my niece’s wedding in Texas, and I wouldn’t otherwise give Texas a penny of my money if I can avoid it.
If you’re not in danger then I’d probably go. I wrote here a while ago, but I’m missing a family member’s wedding in a red state because I’ll be in my third trimester and I’m high risk for a number of reasons. I don’t feel safe attending. But I would totally go if I weren’t pregnant.
Sounds like you just want permission and here’s mine- who cares. These kinds of individual decisions do not matter.
Kind and thoughtful!
A lot of Floridans don’t support the current American political regime. I’m terrified for some of the people there who are multiply marginalized and who have been struggling with the decision of remaining in their communities or taking the risk of moving away alone. Tip well if you go I guess (it sounds like you would)!
As someone who lives in Indiana- go! There are lots of people who align with your values who live in these states. I’m still here because I have a lot of privilege and feel the call to stay and fight. Consume as ethically as you can while there and know you’re supporting worthwhile work.
Also in Indiana and agree.
I agree from another red state!
In your shoes, I’d go. Then again, I’m a GenX who has been asked to boycott this or that my entire life and I’ve never felt like it’s made much difference. Also I have family in a very red state and visit periodically.
Agree and I’ll take it a step further that I find the notion ridiculous absent medical danger. That’s the only thing that would prevent me from going.
Personally, I am committed to not spending any travel dollars in a state that went for Trump in 2024. I made the same commitment in 2016 and kept to it. Others may find it pointless, but it is one of many ways that I am voting with my wallet and it feels good.
Do you make day to day sacrifices too? No Amazon/Walmart etc.
I do!
Ditto! I do think high tourism states like Texas and Florida would reconsider some of their extreme positions if tourism suffers. Look what happened in NC after they passed the bathroom bill. So I regularly avoid spending tourism and business dollars in FL and TX. I skipped a professional meeting in TX several years in a row and made clear to organizers why I was not attending. That said, I’m not a martyr. In your situation, I would probably make a one-time exception.
Same! Canceled some trips and big household purchases – no regrets.
This has to be fake.
Why would it be fake? I try and consider ethical implications before I do things but I’m kind of stuck here so I wanted the hives opinions.
Nobody can be this navel gazing in real life.
Just go. Or don’t. It doesn’t matter. You are vastly overestimating the importance of your own choices, to the point of narcissism.
This is such a one-a view. You may not think about this yourself, but plenty of us are considering such factors.
Not the OP: I turned down a professional development opportunity taking place in Florida next month because I don’t want to travel to that state all because of its political stances. My boss was fully supportive and encouraged me to find an alternative that doesn’t give me such hesitation.
I did not say whether I did or did not think about it. I said that OP is overestimating her own importance and is effectively doing a morality humble brag. (Note also how she does a litmus test below asking what activism a different commenter did)? It’s morality self-gardening, nothing more.
Sadly it seems very real to me. Lots of (mostly white) women are very into this kind of performative activism.
Curious to know what you consider non-performative activism that you implement in your life?
Calling reps, donating money, canvassing on behalf of candidates, signing petitions, participating in protests of specific issues especially local ones… things that might actually result in change. The governor of Florida does not care that you don’t want to visit. And refusing to go to a friend or family member’s “once in a lifetime event” because you want to make a statement is attention-seeking and accomplishes nothing except making you look like a self-centered wannabe activist who cares more about performing as a good liberal your loved ones.
*than your loved ones
I already do everything you listed, as outlined in my post. This event has nothing to do with family, it’s related to one of my hobbies.
I wasn’t implying that you don’t also do those things. You asked what I consider non-performative activism and that’s my answer – things that might actually result in change.
Just go
+1
I am not making a statement “you should …” in any way. Everybody’s life and circumstances are different. For the purpose of discussion, on this forum, this would be my current weigh-in:
I live in Europe. I have always wanted to go to New York City. I have always wanted to go to Florida. I have not been – yet. Currently my plans are on hold. Of course I want to go! Just not currently. I’m happy to wait, I mean, I can be in Paris, Rome or Athens in a couple of hours. I can see a lot of the world with no mental arithmetics. I can visit Florida later, no worries.
But if I was based in the US, had my tubes removes and was in no immediate medical danger, I’d travel between the states! I would absolutely go to a once in a lifetime event! I would not restrict my life based on the most woman-unfriendly or other -unfriendly state, as long I was safe.
Native Floridian in a multi generational Dem voting family. I could see Canadians mass boycotting due to the recent treatment of their country. But if you really want to go to an event there, go. Support local businesses that identify liberally if that means something to you. But I will tell you most Dems in very red areas (and the flip too) can’t just stop using local businesses over politics.
Sounds like you want to go. So go! Consume mindfully and enjoy!
I have lived in Florida since 1977. I am very progressive in a purple city. Your concerns are absolutely ridiculous.
My aunt was my closest relative and I spent a lot of time with her because I went to college far from home but in her city. She died last year sand the first anniversary of her death is coming up. What should I send my uncle and adult cousins to help remember my aunt (or would that be weird or too sad?).
Please acknowledge the anniversary. Even if you only send texts to each person, they will appreciate it. The best option would be to go see them and remember and celebrate her together. If that’s not possible, I would call each of them or send each of them a text/a group text and share memories of her with them. Once a person dear to you dies, the only place they continue to live is in your memory and those of others. I love hearing people’s memories of my mom who died a few years ago.
If you cannot spend the day with people who also love her, consider doing something yourself to celebrate her – such as going out for the type of dinner or coffee that she enjoyed. The anniversary of my mom’s death is approaching soon, and my childhood BFF and I are spending the morning together having coffee and then DH and I are going to one of her favorite restaurants for dinner.
This. I sent my cousins a text on the anniversary of their mom’s death and they appreciated it.
Please call. That’s actually always the answer. Reach out. If you don’t want to demand a response, send a text or an email or a card.
If they are older: card vs calling? Some older relatives of mine don’t really text the way younger ones do.
It would be really lovely to send an actual card, and recount a happy memory or two about your aunt and state how much you miss her and are grateful you are for having had her in your life. Something they can hold in their hands, and re-read, and maybe keep.
Card/text/call. I’d call and reminisce. Condolences to you and your family.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been in the “most grief points” situation, and I was very, very grateful for the people who sent me a text to tell me that they knew it was a shit day and that they were thinking of me and remembering our person with love.
This bag looks like something Kate, Princess of Wales, would carry. While I like a lot of her style, her bags are not usually on my list of her best accessories.
TBH, I thought it was from Coach.
It’s not good quality, look at how it falls.
Do you think being more assertive leads to people treating you better? I come across as extremely sweet, in a way that could definitely read as being easy to walk all over. There is at least one person at my job who I think doesn’t treat me with full respect (very surly/removed, doesn’t respond to emails, is hard to get ahold of, won’t help with things I ask for help on even though it’s his job). He is in general a bit of a reserved guy, but he at one point told my boss that ‘he would never report to me’ (he thought my boss was going to promote me to lead him) which I think has had some impact on my career growth.
This week, he requested something of me, but omitted an important detail that prevented me from doing the task well. I politely requested that we make adjustments to ensure that doesn’t happen again, and he got defensive and tried to pin it on me. I responded politely, but in a way that said explicitly, “I was told X, but the situation was actually Y.”
I don’t want to create conflict, but I’m also sick of being nice to him and accommodating when he is consistently immature (in my eyes). Do you think me being more direct / assertive get more respect or just seem like I’m being mean and make things worse?
Who is this person relative to your management vertical / seniority?
We are technically equally-ranked peers managing different teams. I was supposed to get a promotion that would make me his boss, but he threw such a tantrum about it that we will stay peers. The woman who previously held my role outranked him, but since I am quite a bit younger than them both, we now operate as though I do not outrank him, in spite of doing my predecessor’s exact job.
Well this isn’t actually his fault (although it’s awful and awful that you know). That’s your bosses fault. You need a new boss or a new job – that’s completely unacceptable.
To be fair, if the person you replaced had a lot more experience than you, it doesn’t immediately follow that you would assume the same seniority she had, even if the job description is the same.
This buried the lede. You were denied a promotion because one of your peers threw a tantrum about it? Start job hunting.
I think I am both very nice and as assertive as I need to be. I don’t view it as one or the other. I would try to be both. Fwiw, I have a job where I have significant authority and I don’t think being nice gets in the way of that or that I needed to not be nice to get there. I do think some people confuse not speaking up with being nice and that can hurt them. I have a person I manage now that won’t do basic things like ask the engineers to fix the heat in his office because he doesn’t want to be a bother and it’s frustrating to deal with and just comes across weird when you see a grown man wearing a jacket at his desk indoors. But it also hurts his work in more indirect ways – for example, he doesn’t give firm deadlines for when he needs things so people don’t get back to him in time, or he writes in passive voice or is otherwise not specific about what he needs, which makes it harder to respond to his communications.
This is helpful. As an example, if someone gives you the incorrect information that causes a huge mishap, would you say, “Thanks, Joe, I appreciate your response. Next time please make sure we get the exact {missing information} prior to executing, to avoid incurring excess costs like we did this time.” Does that read as nice-assertive, in your definition?
I’m a different person but I read that as not nice – just chastising/ condescending. You may want that tone if you feel like he screwed you over
How do you communicate that you need that information going forward in that case? That is what I’m struggling with – not sure how to communicate what he needs to be doing without it pointing out what he has done wrong.
What I actually wrote to him was:
“Ah thanks, Joey. In the future, please let me know {critical information}. We need to {do something different if critical information is the case} and I was told {incorrect information I was told.}”
Is that condescending?
What you wrote is perfectly fine.
I do think I’m treated better if people think they can’t walk over me. I come across as very sweet too but I am direct. THere have definitely been some moments when someone who was treating me badly started treating me better after I was bolder.
This guy sounds like a jerk and a bigger problem though. It’s not conflict to point out the facts. That’s pretty rude that he said he would never report to you -why?? What was your boss’ response?
That is helpful, thank you. The tantrum is because I’m younger and newer to the industry. However, I am far better at my job than he is at his. The woman who had my role previously outranked him, but now we are treated as lateral peers to avoid hurting his feelings.
It depends. With this guy, I think you’ve got to be a little mean to get him to respect you. Expect him to criticize you for being mean.
In general, I don’t think assertive women are treated better. Quite the opposite. Even if you’re in the right, people have a knee jerk negative reaction to people – especially women – who come out matter of fact. I’ve learned the hard way that being direct with service workers, for example, is not the right approach at all, even if you’re clearly right and they’re wrong, even if they’re being extremely difficult. You have to be sweet as pie if you want anything to get done.
But bullies sometimes need to be put in their place. I tell this story a lot, but when I was a junior associate I had to go toe to toe with a senior partner who loved to terrorize associates. I was local counsel for another office in my firm and no one else in my jurisdiction was available. He wanted me to file something that I knew was wrong. I suggested edits, he just rejected them and eventually called me screaming. I refused to do it. I told him he has 20 minutes before the midnight filing deadline to find another lawyer if he wants it done that way, but even if he had 20 years he’ll never find someone in my jurisdiction who would agree to put their name on his stupid argument. He finally backed off and let me file the thing the way I wanted. We had a very good working relationship for years after that, and he’s even referred me business from time to time now that we’re both at different firms. Sometimes you have to stand your ground even if it feels a bit mean to do it in the moment.
First, this guy is manipulative and people are falling in line. You didn’t get a promotion because he threw a tantrum? That’s ridiculous.
Second, I’d re-examine your “nice/sweet vs. mean/assertive.” You can, and should, be both polite and direct. You don’t have to yell, insult, demean, or sneer. You do have to be clear about what you need to do your job well. Sounds like your internal work will be to disentangle what it means to be conflict-avoidant and “liked” vs. actually clear, direct, and unapologetic.
I find working with people who are “extremely sweet” to be exhausting because they are usually poor at direct communication and waste my time with loads of niceties when I’m busy and just want to know what they need.
I cringed when trying to imagine the contorted communication that is “politely requested that we make adjustments to ensure that doesn’t happen again” because even that description sounds roundabout and like you’re tiptoeing around the guy.
I don’t intend to be mean with this response, but I want to strongly encourage you to be kind but direct. Like:
“Hey Xanadude, next time specify *White* Sox instead of just Sox. I booked a box at Fenway by mistake”
Vs
“Dear Xanadude, I wanted to ask that in our future discussions of the location of our team-building events that we endeavor to communicate in a clear and concise manner to avoid future misunderstandings and achieve the best outcome for our team. Thanks in advance for your understanding…“ etc etc etc
You can complain to colleagues but try to avoid sounding like an officious secretary scolding them.
Amen.
Yes– but like others have said, I think you can still be nice but work on coming across as more assertive. I also come across as very nice/sweet and have been told that I seemed too nice to do my job well (by people I had never worked with) and early in my career– that I was a pushover.
A few things that have helped me–
— I have been in several meetings where everyone else is fighting, and I am largely ignored (especially early in my career). In these meetings, I don’t get involved in the fighting but just focus on getting what I need out of the meeting and moving on. Anyone paying attention ends up with a good impression of me after that– most people end up trusting me more, etc.
— Sometimes you just have to “clap back” and be direct about it… but pick your battles. I had a client that would routinely point fingers at me as the problem with his projects. He did it in front of me in front of his supervisor (my main client). I spoke up and said, “No, you are not waiting on us. We’ve provided you with contact information to do x several months ago.” After working that out, we’ve never had another fight, and he respects me. (And I’ve been able to be nothing but nice to him.)
Super true about picking your battles. There’s a woman in my community that I side with on almost every issue, but she goes after every.little.thing that bothers her with the same intensity and it makes her seem like a huge crank. I’m not naturally assertive, so there are a lot of things where I give it one chance or one event at my normal speed, then I get assertive in the next go round.
This guy is a bully. Honestly, I think it makes bullies behave better if you’re direct and stand up to them. I tend to be overly pleasant and helpful, which works great with non-bullies, but bullies tend to think this means I’ll do what ever they want no matter what at any time. It usually take some repetition, though.
I’d stop the email-writing campaign (unless truly necessary for CYA) and go walk into his office and talk to him about it. “Hey Trad, got a sec? Want to chat about the confusion from last week.”
Excessively polite emails get nowhere.
This. and it’s so easy to misread tone in an email
How did you learn to “listen to your body” if you’ve been taught your whole life to push through discomfort? I was a competitive athlete growing up. Being tired or hungry or sore or sick was not an excuse to be less than perfect. Same with grades and school attendance; if you’re not sick enough to be in the hospital then you’re not sick enough to stay home. I went to a competitive undergrad and law school, then on to biglaw, which is where I still am 15 years later. Again, being tired or sick is not an excuse to not respond to clients. Until recently I also continued to push myself hard with the little bit of time I get to exercise. If I don’t taste blood when I run then I’m not running fast enough, if I can walk comfortably the next day then leg day was a waste and I need to do better tomorrow. Basically I’ve spent a lot of time training myself to put mind over matter.
The whole “listen to your body” thing has come up a lot for me. Despite my intense workouts, I’ve been overweight since I stopped my competitive sport after college. I eat healthy, just too much for my small stature. I’ve tried and failed at intuitive eating. I had a long IVF battle where – again – I just pushed through the discomfort, which may or may not have served me well, since I had disappointing results for multiple cycles. Now I’m pregnant and some days it’s like I’ve hit a wall. I get to the point that I can’t keep my eyes open. I’m falling asleep while DH is plating dinner or mid sentence when we’re talking. My OB is telling me to slow down and listen to my body. I’ve asked DH to not wake me up if I fall asleep (seemingly) randomly but I’m guessing the OB wants me to slow down before I get to that point. My question is: how?
Literally, this is what therapy is for. If your parents, coaches, and bosses have pushed you too hard, you are going to have to address that before your child shows up. Do you want to pass this along to your kid? Obviously not (I hope).
Work through what is reasonable for people to have expected of you and what you can expect from yourself. Read sports books written by top coaches; they are adamant that racing every workout is wrong, leads to injury, and leads to worse performance. Learn what is your inside voice and what are the voices in your head that you have heard your entire life.
The point about passing this on to baby is a good one. I think DH and I will make good co-parents in that regard. He’s much more laid back, has a much better relationship with his family. I aspire to be the kind of parent I think he will be.
I’m not particularly woo but a friend who’s into astrology recently pointed out that I, an Aries, seem to have surrounded myself with Cancers in my personal life. DH is a cancer and baby might be too. I guess I’m subconsciously searching out more compassionate people.
Honestly, figure this out (via therapy) now. Your child will emulate what you do, rather than what you tell them, and if your child witnesses you push yourself past the point of health and go through a perfection-guilt-shame cycle on things where there are no stakes (such as yoga), your child will pick up on that.
I don’t say this to scold. But this is a moment to re-parent yourself as you begin to think of yourself as a parent to someone else.
You imagine the person you love most in the world (mom, little sister, friend) is sick and calling you asking. “Should I do this? Do I need to do that?” The compassion you’re willing to extend to another person is the compassion you need to give yourself.
+1 for this. Somatic therapy for a few sessions might also be helpful for literally learning how to tune into your body sensations. Therapy can also help you unpack how unhealthy this approach is.
Speaking from experience – pregnancy and childrearing can really force you to confront how you were raised/parented. There may be some anger that comes up for you around how you were taught to grind it out and push through. Therapy can also help you frame understanding/forgiveness for your past self/past coaches/mentors. I’d also encourage you to read ‘Real Self Care’ – which was less ‘woo’ and more about the hard work of uncovering why you don’t think you deserve rest/care and how to address that attitude.
You just start. Go to bed at 9. Switch your workouts to walking and yoga.
This. Don’t wait until your body/brain tells you the “right” thing. It sounds like you have to put matter over mind at this point. So go to bed at an early time. Stop running and start walking. Walk only every other day. Etc.
Yeah, frankly I don’t really understand the question. Just start doing less and going to bed earlier. If that causes angst, get therapy to deal with it I guess, but in the meantime keep going because it’s not about you anymore.
If you need a how-to, do this:
Stand still for 60 seconds. NOTICE your body: anything that hurts, feels tense, feels sore. Thirsty, tired, sleepy, hungry. Then DO something in response to what you’ve noticed: Take a pain relief medication (whatever you can do, pregnant). Stop running. Sit down. Put your feet up. Go to bed. Eat something. Drink water. Stretch.
You’ve spent what . . . 30 years? . . . letting your competitive spirit and yelling coaches rule your body—to the point where you were willing to damage yourself in order to win. Now it’s time to spend the next 30 years learning how to let your body have equal say.
A breakdown and yoga and therapy. The breakdown because, obviously, and yoga because it was my first time being in a space where I didn’t feel like I had to be perfect, the best, or even good at all. And I wasn’t good at all, and I’m still not “good” (read: super flexible and able to do all the fancy poses.) The instructors and participants were just nice! And friendly! And positive! And accepting! Kindness and compassion and inclusion didn’t have to be earned, unlike every other setting I’d ever known. And yoga is great for stress relief and physically feeling better. If you’d told me in my peak Embrace Discomfort Phase that ~stretching~ could make such a difference in my wellbeing I’d have laughed in your face. But it works, and the reward is a body that feels good.
Therapy because it helped me uncover the reasons I felt like I had to strive so hard for everything and couldn’t give myself any grace or compassion.
I do love yoga. I did it regularly until I had to stop for IVF. I think I’m past the worst of the nausea (made worse with inversions) that I can pick it up again.
I can’t do in person classes though, it’s too stressful. I feel like a failure if I’m not doing as well as everyone else, and then I feel guilty for feeling like a failure because I know I should accept where I am today. And if I do better than everyone else I feel guilty for feeling proud of myself, because I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others.
Prenatal yoga.
If it’s to this level then I think you need to consider therapy. I’ve done yoga for 20 years and rarely looked at other people. I’ve only ever felt awkward if I’ve picked a too advanced class and fallen over a bunch. Unless you’re repeatedly falling over, no one is paying attention to your poses.
+1
OP – you really need therapy.
This response makes my heart break for you. I wish I could take you to my yoga studio which has fostered such an incredible community — not all are the same.
I recognize a lot of my former thought patterns in your comments and really encourage you to try talking with a therapist to try to uncover the source of these thought patterns and address them. My life has improved infinitely for it.
Kristin Neff’s work on self compassion has been really helpful for me. I had to start with literally saying things aloud to myself that I would have said to a small child in the same situation. “Of course you’re exhausted! You’re growing a whole human being! Go take a nap. I’m so proud of you.” It felt so ridiculous at first. But within a day or who I noticed a tiny part of me also enjoyed it. So I kept it up and it got easier and easier.
I was you about five years ago and I’m struggling to articulate what really made the difference. First step came during a ballet class, when a grey haired lady told me, we are adults, you are here for fun, if you don’t like doing that or its uncomfortable, no one is making you. I can still picture her giving me permission that I just could not do something and that stuck with me. Biggest change was getting out of a toxic work environment so I no longer had anything to prove at the gym. I also started working with a personal trainer who, fully aware of the issues, was able to put the brakes on stuff for me – e.g., you need to drop the weigh, we are calling this set. I added the midlife crisis marathon to the mix, and somewhere along focusing on fueling for it, and how to make it through the training schedule, was when I realized that things really had healed. Long way of saying, you can absolutely do this. Give yourself permission to slow down, and if that doesn’t work, give other people permission to stop you.
Automate food so it’s occupying less space in your head. I rotate between two breakfasts and three different lunches. DH cooks dinner because he likes to cook or we order something we don’t make at home like sushi.
For activity – try something you’ve never done before. Sign up for a women’s only beginner class. Ice hockey? Indoor rock climbing? Karate? Salsa or country line dancing? Go with a friend or by yourself. Expect to be horrible. Your goal is not to be good at it, your goal is to try something new and move your body. Your goal is met when you show up.
Go for a walk every day around your neighborhood. Pick an audio book and just listening to it while walking so you are motivated to go again.
Expect at that you will fail at any or all of the above because you are human, forgive yourself then pick the things you liked most and try again.
I read now pregnant as not pregnant. Pick a pregnancy friendly new activity, not karate. Figure out meals that work for you with any nausea. Don’t stress about cravings. Rest a lot. Pregnancy is a whole other ball game but walking is great during and after pregnancy. The habit of walking every day will serve you well when you need to get out of the house with or without baby in tow.
This is pregnancy. I’m 5 months pp and still can’t believe how completely exhausted I was while pregnant. I’m talking falling asleep at work a few times…I could knock out at any moment. I started going to bed really early, like 830, and calendaring nap times. I also quit caffeine due to nausea, which was really hard. I had headaches, but I think it helped me be more in tune with what my body needed (rest).
I was also a three season HS athlete who competed on a state level until an injury at 18. I get the “work through pain” and “punish your body” mentality. Pregnancy made me feel completely out of control of my body, but that’s because it isn’t about you anymore. You’re literally growing a new human.
Also, therapy!
You can tell your OB that you’re not sure what listening to your body really means in this context and ask for more guidance. I wouldn’t go into everything you detail in your post–I agree with others that the topic more broadly is a good one to work on with a therapist–but you can say, “What specifically should I be looking for to know it’s time for me to take a rest versus when to keep going?” Maybe think, too, about whether you’re looking for a permission slip to slow waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down or whether a major problem is that you enjoy all the stuff you’re doing and so don’t want to drop anything. Either is OK and is a legit issue (you deserve the permission slip if that’s what you’re feeling; pregnant women are allowed to be excited about/interested in things outside of pregnancy and badly want to continue doing them if that’s where you are), but I think it could be valuable (for you, to have a better convo with your doctor) to know what’s going on for you there.
Been there. It’s so confusing! Listening to your body means for example if you fall asleep during dinner, then going to lie down for half an hour rather than just waking up, and then going to bed a bit earlier so you get more hours of sleep that night.
I learned to say to myself “good” when I had a lie in at the weekend.
Sounds like you’ll be a great mom. I really think all parents could benefit from identifying and working through their issues before having kids!
To put it very simply, “listen to your body” means that you ease up on it rather than doubling down and pushing through. If you’re in pain, you take steps to alleviate it (stop doing the thing causing it, relax, back off). If you’re tired, you sleep more. If you’re hungry, you eat.
It also means that you don’t deliberately do things that put your body into pain. You don’t run until you can taste blood. You don’t work out so hard that your legs are still in pain 24+ hours later.
I’m at the age where I’ve now been to PT for the same issues 3-4 times each. How do you keep track of what aches and pains you had, where you had them, how you resolved them? Is there an app that would allow you to, like, zoom in on an avatar’s foot and highlight the exact area that’s hurting with a time/date stamp for notes?
(If you don’t know of an app like this, would you be interested in one? Might be a fun side project.)
I don’t. If something is chronic and debilitating, I’ll not need to keep track of it and I’ll seek medical attention.
What are you hoping to get out of this kind of record keeping? Are you thinking you have some underlying health problem with a cluster of fleeting symptoms that you are trying to to diagnose? Or do you just like to have this level of detail about yourself?
I don’t think there’s an age at which this is typical (multiple body parts requiring three to four rounds of PT is a lot). Do you have some kind of condition that predisposes you to needing this much upkeep? I don’t think this is a common experience or need. I keep track just by remembering because there’s not that much to remember (and I do have a condition that explains why I’ve needed as much intervention as I have needed).
No advice on recurring issues but I have had various one-off injuries like an ankle sprain. I track things like this in a separate Google calendar that I use to track all my workouts. Doctor’s appts, PT sessions, at home PT work, sometimes turning points in my injuries like a day when pain was especially bad or the first day I notice I’m pain-free and my injury feels like it’s resolved. I started placing this info on my exercise calendar so I could remember why a few weeks had no entries. But sadly this can’t do the extra things you’re talking about like zooming into a part of the body or easily tracking all the medications in one place. I’d be interested in this app!
Sounds like you need to do your home PT programs given to you after PT, and that you aren’t doing them. Unless you have a progressive neurologic disorder that requires maintenance PT for the rest of your life, your “problem” is a red flag.
You go to PT. You learn what you are doing wrong. You write it down, as well as the PT’s recs on how to do things right so you don’t hurt yourself again. You ask for your home PT program to be given to you – many therapists use Apps these days to give you the home program, or you ask for a print out, or you write it down. And if you have that problem in the future, you get back to your exercises, that you should have been incorporating into your regular exercise anyway.
And you ask yourself why you keep hurting yourself. And stop that. And if you have so many places on your body you have hurt yourself and require an App to organize them, well then… you need to see a doctor. You have something else going on that needs to be addressed.
I’ve had on and off sciatic nerve pain, and was looking for a way to track that. When you are not in pain, it’s easy to forget how it can feel or how long it’s been. I used a simple habit tracker (Loop), and set up a daily tracker to rate the pain. But it doesn’t really do notes or zooming in on a visual representation.
I went to a podiatrist a decade or more ago and almost asked for my leg to be amputated because my feet hurt so much. I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis and the doctor told me he’d had it too; he projected a full recovery. I was skeptical and he told me he didn’t even remember which foot he had had it in. I was shocked.
On the other hand I can detail for you every shoulder surgery and physical therapy session I had 1997-1999. Let’s just say I remember what’s important
Just screaming into the void today after a doctor’s visit. I was listing off current conditions and mentioned PCOS, his initial response was ‘are you sure you really have that?’. First of all, you’re a cardiologist, not your area of expertise. He was IN MyChart when he asked, which coincidentally, lists my OBGYN who specializes in hormonal issues and shows the results of my ultrasounds and insulin resistance testing yearly because of it. I’ve also been to the ER twice in the last five years for ovarian cysts and suspected torsion – those visits are ALSO in MyChart. Why is it that hard to just listen to women?!?
It does not sound like this applies to you, and he should have seen that from your records for sure, so that sucks. But I think PCOS is often self-diagnosed, and incorrectly so, so I have to admit that my knee jerk reaction to hearing someone say they have it is similar to hearing someone say they have Native American ancestry – Are you sure about that?
Now I’m curious – why would you self diagnose PCOS, to what end? I found out as a teen as I had horrific pain with my cycles and heavy bleeding and then watched it carefully as it can impact fertility.
Almost all the other women with PCOS I know found out because it impacted fertility/their cycles. Is spironolactone really that sought after of a drug? Or are people using this to get GLP-1 inhibitors these days?
I honestly don’t think people are self diagnosing PCOS. People just think women are hysterical as usual.
What an incredibly weird analogy between PCOS self-diagnosis and Native ancestry claims.
The comparison is simply to the reaction
As a person with significant Native heritage (like straight off the reservation significant) I can’t tell whether I’m supposed to be offended or not. And I have a first cousin who has PCOS. Why is it anyone’s business whether either of these things are true of someone else?
It is entirely your physician’s business whether or not you have been formally diagnosed with a medical condition.
Perhaps you could get offended when people falsely claim Native heritage . . .
Anything that has a high rate of self-diagnosis is subject to these problems.
If you have a complicated medical history, he might not have been reading MyChart that closely.
Script: “Dr. Anderson diagnosed me in May of 2023.” Be specific and brief. Pause and wait for him to find it in MyChart.
I know what you mean about Native ancestry; it’s often family lore and not verifiable.
I guess so. I mean I get asked if I’m really allergic to amoxicillin and what my reaction was at what age
Do people self-diagnose as that? It’s not like it’s gluten
What makes you think that incorrect diagnoses of PCOS are self-diagnoses?
Same with autism. Everyone self-diagnoses now. Is it now seen as cool vs stigmatized? I have a family member diagnosed as ASD-1 by a doctor and it seems like her experience (including horrible bullying) is almost devalued as legitimate by so many people diagnosing themselves (to be fair, maybe some of them have a point or some indications, but something about it rubs me the wrong way).
PTSD sufferer and I feel the same. I have sometimes said that I’ve been diagnosed by a psychologist with a PhD and a license, not by TikTok.
Women’s health is so neglected and trivialized that there’s been a lot of questionable “that’s just PCOS probably” diagnosing going on (not dissimilar to the “everything’s perimenopause now” trend happening now). Instead of recognizing a need and addressing it the way your specialist obgyn did, many providers are just delighted to have one more wastebin to throw women’s complaints into. So the cardiologist probably has seen some women whose PCOS wasn’t ever worked up appropriately. I guess it’s a vicious cycle.
It is a cycle. I have a friend who could have been saved from some much pain and other problems (horrific acne) had her doctor just done the work up. But her body type at the time was not PCOS stereotypical, so no work up was done for years.
Unfortunately, it is your responsibility to give your history to your doctor, and not expect that they have read your chart before your visit. There just isn’t enough time for them to “prepare” ahead of seeing each clinic patient. So always assume doctors do not know your history until you tell them. I am always pleasantly surprised when any doctor makes it clear they know anything about me. I sometimes walk into my specialists office and realize they don’t remember me/my issues at all from my last visit with them, nevermind my other specialists.
Also, other doctor’s notes are often poorly written, lots of cut and paste without being updated appropriately, medication and problem lists are often wrong/out of date, and some of the electronic medical record is unwieldy and hard to search.
And yes, PCOS is often self diagnosed. So while I completely understand why his question erked you, you could have answered him – “My endocrinologist/PCP/whoever diagnosed me, and I’m on treatment with….”
A lot of medicine sucks these days. Doctors don’t have time, are stressed, are super subspecialized and yes…. don’t listen to women well. But when it takes months to get in to see the right doctor, and you need their help, I try to prepare as much as I can before my appointments to spoon feed my doctors my history. I go in assuming nothing. I have print outs of my labs/prior studies that might be relevant to hand to them. And I have a list of my questions. And I write down what they tell me.
So many doctors don’t even chart our symptoms based on what we say.
I showed a doctor my highly specific positive lab results for a rare condition they’re always skeptical about, and they recorded it into my chart as if I’d tested positive for a much less specific test, seemingly just to downgrade the reliability of the diagnosis, even though in fact I’d tested negative on the other test. Yes the correct test results are still buried in the chart somewhere, but they don’t take the path of least resistance if it backs up the patient’s history.
I’m always happy to blame the ACA, modern charting software, modern charting requirements, time constraints, but I read House of God and apparently this was going on decades before I was born. Doctors believed that patients had “buffed their own charts.”
They really do think they are God, and creating reality. Hmph.
Ugh what a time to find out you aren’t immune to measles!!!
I got a booster back in 2016/2017 as I was going to Germany and they were having an outbreak (and my SIL had a brand new baby we’d be seeing when I returned). I’m an older millenial and only got the first shot so it was more preventative than anything. The whole thing was NBD aside from my GP having to order the vaccine in, I’ve had worse reactions from flu shots.
A booster is an easy fix.
It’s a live vaccine, so not every adult is a candidate depending on what we have going on medically.
I think there’s no test that shows we’re not immune to measles though. Negative titers just fail to confirm that we are immune, which is not the same. (Unless OP meant that they just discovered they weren’t vaccinated in which case I’d assume no immunity whatsoever.)
Most adults who have negative titers just had their immunity wane and will be well-protected if they get a booster.
What I am saying is that they may be well protected even with negative titers, they just can’t prove it with negative titers.
The booster is also a live vaccine so remains inaccessible to people who have contraindications for live vaccines.
Right, I understand negative titers are not dispositive, but I’m saying that most people with negative titers don’t have “contraindications for a live vaccine.” They’ve just had their immunity wane somewhat (though possibly not completely) from the initial shots and it can be fixed with a booster. Better to be safe than sorry and get another booster, even though you might still have immunity despite negative titers.
Of course it’s no big deal if we can just run out and get a booster.
It’s only stressful when that’s not an option.
I’m pregnant and can’t get a booster.
For anyone else reading this- get your titers checked before you start trying!!! It’s an easy thing to do. I learned my chicken pox immunity had waned (i never had the vaccine o begin with, bc it wasn’t available when i was a kid, but i had a horrific case of chicken pox and supposedly that meant you didn’t need the vaccine)
I did. And I got a booster before I started trying. No one told me I needed to check again after that!
Reframe: It’s an *excellent* time to find out that you aren’t immune so you can get a booster right away.
Pregnant alas and can’t!
You can get it post-partum though and if you are nursing the antibodies will help your baby have some protection. It’s not likely to be more widespread for a couple months at least.
Oh, I’m sorry — I didn’t realize that piece. Take care of yourself!
Sorry to hear. Definitely get it asap once the baby is out. It’s fine even if you plan to breastfeed.
Back in 2019 there were outbreaks and I was planning travel to an affected county so I got a titer. My levels were zero. I got a booster at that time and I also got a pertussis booster.
long weekend event in Santa Barbara in late fall. Want to look expensive, on trend, and like I didn’t try too hard, prefer to not pay a lot but recognize that I also sa i want to look expensive. Need a dressy dress, two elevated day looks and something for a dinner. Dress me please. 50, size 8.
“Want to look expensive, on trend, and like I didn’t try too hard, prefer to not pay a lot but recognize that I also sa i want to look expensive.”
It takes a TON of effort and practice to pull this off—or an innate, confident sense of style. If you’re not sure of your ability here, I’d look for a stylist to help you.
+1 Also styling, hair, and makeup go a long way towards looking chic and put together.
Can you give any info on the event? There is a big difference between a dress for a work outing versus celebrating an anniversary with a day sightseeing or the like.
I go to Santa Barbara pretty often. People are just as casual there as they are everywhere else. So don’t overdress. But as someone who has also shopped in downtown SB, I do notice that what they carry at their Nordstrom is different than what they carry at mine here in the Bay area, which is probably different than in other areas of the country as well.
How about shopping once you’re there? Even making an appointment with a shopper at that Nordstrom and letting her know your size and plans ahead of time? That could become a quite memorable part of your trip.
Nordstrom in S. B. is closed.
Hair, makeup, and understated jewelry does this.
Go buy a bunch of stuff at Jeni Kayne
Heidi Merrick is based in Santa Barbara and has terrific pieces.
Adding to prior posters. Facial well in advance and a follow up one shortly before.