ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 209 Comments

Weekend Open Thread: Beyond Yoga

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

grayish greenish wide leg pants

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Readers have sung the praises of these wide leg pants from Beyond Yoga… many of which are on sale right now!

I got these grayish ones around the NAS sale, although they were already marked down… and man, the readers were right. The pants are super thin but with a beautiful drape, with nice deep pockets. So flattering! Unfortunately for me I had to send them back because I needed a petite size… but the brand has short lengths available on their website, so I'm psyched.

The wide leg pants pictured are deep discount ($51, lucky sizes only), but Nordstrom has a lot of other colors for $76-$129. Beyond Yoga has its warehouse sale going on for Labor Day Weekend and the pants (with short sizes available!) are $89.

Psst: this Reiss sweater was another keeper for me it's on sale again, I think even lower than what it was in the NAS.

Sales of note for 9/25:

  • Boden – Up to 50% off sale + extra 15% off (I'm trying to figure out which color(s) of this sweater I should order…)
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off the weekend collection and extra 50% off sale section
  • Anthropologie – Extra 50% off sale!
  • Athleta – Lots marked down to 40% off; with an Athleta card you get an extra 20% off.
  • AYR – Archive sale, up to 60% off
  • CVS – Epic beauty sale
  • J.Crew – Fall styles start at $39
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off new arrivals, extra 20% off orders $125+
  • Nordstrom – over 9800 new markdowns
  • M.M.LaFleur – Labor Day Sale Event, save sitewide! (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
  • Nordstrom Rack – Extra 40% off select clearance
  • Talbots – 40% off one item, 30% off everything else
  • Theory – End of season sale is on!

209 Comments

  1. What do you consider the line that enters cheating? For me, it would start as kissing. However, I saw a video recently where a guy was briefly hugging a girl with a fiance from behind at a concert and many of the comments called it cheating.

    1. Didn’t the Coldplay concert teach us about this? Hugging from behind is intimate.

      1. But the hugging from behind wasn’t the cheating right? It was the fact they were on a date and clearly having an affair. The gesture revealed that but wasn’t cheating in and of itself, to my mind.

        1. yeah it was their reaction that led to all the memes because they looked so guilty and tried to duck. That was the behavior that screamed cheating, not the hug.

    2. I feel like extended hugging/holding from behind (a la Coldplay concern) seems like they are in or on their way to a more intimate relationship. So IDK that I’d call that very act cheating, but if my partner was engaged in that behavior I’d have a lot of questions.

      1. This metric only works if your partner is emotionally stable and non abusive. Lots of men would cause a fights for even a hug.

        2. And a loser’s opinion does not change where the line is. But seriously, DTMFA. It’s a three day weekend; get ‘er done.

      2. what!? so if your partner holds hands and hugs people from behind, you’re a-ok with it so long as you’re not present? so the cheating is more about the appearance of disrespect than the actual disrespect itself?

        1. That’s obviously not what they are saying. They are saying if it isn’t something they’d do with their partner nearby, it’s cheating.

        3. That’s not what she means. She is using whether you would feel comfortable doing something in front of your partner as a barometer of whether you should do it at all.
          I’m fine hugging my guy friends hello in front of DH. I would not be comfortable being hugged from behind à la Coldplay in front of DH– so this poster would consider that cheating. I don’t disagree– not sure I’d call it cheating exactly, but I wouldn’t be ok with my partner doing that.

        5. That is the opposite of what she said. If you wouldn’t do it in front of your partner, don’t do it without your partner there.

      3. I hadn’t seen this phrase before, but it’s right on.

        We have a couple of close couple friends. I hug the husbands in the same way I hug the wives; these are friend hugs and not romantic hugs. There is a difference.

    4. There was a thread earlier this week about how a guy held her hand and called her beautiful while talking all night with her – later turned out he was married. I wanted to be open minded but that dude was a huge cheater way before kissing. If my husband did that stuff I’d … I don’t know what. I don’t think I could come back from that. I guess I’d be preparing to DTMFA.

      1. In that situation, if the woman had had a husband and was receiving the attention, would that have been cheating?

    5. Short answer: context dependent. Like, it’s really more about the intent than it is exactly what happened.

      Longer examples of what I mean: I wouldn’t have an issue if I was married to a guy that was into community theater and got the lead and was kissing his co-lead every night, assuming that our relationship isn’t in a rocky spot. But if I found out he was confiding in another woman about some major concerns he hasn’t voiced to me, I’d be crushed. My husband really isn’t a hugger so it would be really weird if he was hugging anyone, but I’ve known guys that are just exuberant puppy dogs and they should be allowed to hug all their friends without worrying that it’s gonna be seen as creep behavior. The one particular guy I’m thinking of, he can hug me in greeting any time. When I’m out backpacking with a mixed gender group of friends, all are welcome to join the back rub chain. But swapping back rubs with one guy in particular? That would cross a line for me. And of course, within these shades of grey are how I’m going to handle it. The smaller stuff gets a conversation about the state of the relationship and what needs to change. But something like sleeping around or cruising for another woman is an instant breakup.

    6. There’s inappropriate behavior that isn’t cheating. In my marriage it wouldn’t be appropriate for my husband to hug an unrelated woman that way or for me to hug an unrelated man that way. But I wouldn’t use the word “cheating.”

    7. This conversation is so interesting. I am someone that is not a hugger – notoriously so. My husband never gets jealous over hugging and more finds it interesting who I will allow to hug me – both genders. Apparently, its the best barometer of my thoughts on a particular person. Same as a fussy pet that only let’s certain people touch them.

  2. How about a secrets post? Anything going on you wouldn’t say out loud to folks? Let’s try to keep it a judgement-free zone.

    How’s it going with your work crush, family drama, unrealized hopes and dreams? What’s annoying you, who inspires jealousy, etc etc? What wins have you had lately that you can’t celebrate with anyone? I want to know everything!

    1. What I wouldn’t say out loud to anyone: it’s extremely easy not to default to screens for our soon-to-be-2-year-old. The time flies by as it is, he’s fascinated by smashing blocks together or opening cabinet doors, and it’s probably never going to be easier than it is now to stay away from screens. He’s not an easy child by any means, we have zero family support (we do pay for daycare – never had a babysitter otherwise, though), plenty of stuff has been really hard, but avoiding Miss Rachel has been so, so easy.

      1. Do you and your spouse get any time together just the two of you?

        Would highly recommend a babysitter for date night once a month!

        1. We do our best to enjoy the time together in the evenings after our son goes to bed and we occasionally go out to breakfast after daycare dropoff. We also walk together most days. I really want a date night, though! We were going to have a family member to babysit one day but it fell through due to illness.

      2. 100000% agree, we’re in the same phase of life, and find this to be absolutely true.

      3. This was true for me until shorty after my oldest’s second birthday. Then, I was pregnant and exhausted in the first trimester, sole parenting a lot of the time, and my kid started staying up till after 9:30pm. And then I decided that 30 minutes of tv at night or on the weekends wasn’t a big deal if it gave me a few minutes to relax

        1. Yeah I don’t think this is an unpopular opinion at all when you have one kid. It’s usually during pregnancy or when you have two little kids that it typically starts to become more of a default option (not that it can’t still be avoided in that circumstance, but it takes more conscious effort).

        2. Totally – it’s easier or harder at different phases. I was more responding to how incredibly easy it’s turned out to be in this phase when I was told I would DEFINITELY be changing my tune on screen time and starting Miss Rachel well before the AAP says it’s ok. Seriously, people made this out to be a given because it’s so hard to avoid but it’s shocked me how easy it’s been. I’ve learned not to trust anyone else’s predictions about what will be easy or hard – best to just learn as you go and find a way to make anything important to you work.

        1. Glad I wasn’t the only one who thought it. And fwiw we did screen free until 2 too (except for videochats with family) but I realize that having an only child and a kid with a temperament that’s well suited for it were big factors in our success. My kid’s not exactly “easy” in general but plays well alone and always has. I know a lot of kids that don’t, even though their parents tried all the same things we did, so there’s a lot of luck there.

          2. Screens entertain a kid; if you happen to have a kid who plays alone well (which is mostly but not entirely luck) it’s easier to avoid them.

          3. The biggest lie parents who rely on screens tell themselves is that it’s mostly luck when other kids have built the skill of playing well alone.

            Your kid will never play well alone if they know that a screen is the back up plan. Never.

          4. It’s partly building the muscle of playing alone but the child’s personality (which is luck) is a huge factor as well.
            Like I said I have a kid who plays alone well but i know lots of good parents who’ve done the same things I have and their kids are simply naturally inclined toward independent play. It doesn’t mean you *have* to resort to screens (I agree that’s always a choice) but it’s much easier to avoid them if your kid plays well alone, and it’s poopcup-y not to recognize the huge role luck plays in this and so many other parenting things.

          6. Did you sleep train your child?

            It boggles my mind how parents who will say what you just said about independent play are also almost always parents who sleep trained their children to force independent sleep before it develops naturally.

            If you are comfortable training them to do one, you should be comfortable training them to do the other. And if you’re not comfortable training them to do one because hearing them upset makes you sad (understandable!), then you should be comfortable with working with them until their biology is ready for independent play/sleep on its own.

            But if you’re sleep training but also putting on screens when they’re whiny…you’re accommodating your own needs, not theirs.

          7. Ah, just what this thread needs, someone to insert their judgement about sleep training.

          8. Do it or don’t do it, I truly don’t care. But if you talk about how sleep training taught your kid to be a great sleeper but claim that playing well independently is “mostly luck,” it makes no sense. Either you think a kid’s biology/personality can be overcome by parental force, or you don’t. Be consistent.

        2. Don’t bother. It’s a mean girl term that’s meant to make you feel small.

          2. I do! It doesn’t involve bullying moms of small children every time they express pride or happiness :)

          3. Seriously. You can never enjoy anything or find anything easy as a first-time mom without an insecure older mom resorting to that instead of an original thought.

          4. The term is not applied to people who simply enjoy parenting. It refers specifically to people who erroneously think that their easy parenting experience is entirely due to their own perfect parenting (not the child’s inborn temperament or luck) and smugly preach the virtues of their parenting philosophy to anyone who will listen.

          5. And yet the fact that you used it against a person doing none of those things is telling.

          6. Love to hear someone defending cutting down a woman expressing confidence in her parenting choices! It’s our job as women to make sure other women don’t take pride in anything, especially out loud!

        3. My child isn’t perfect (well, he is to me) – I mentioned our behavioral challenges. I just don’t see how screens will help them and I said avoiding them is easy. I haven’t ever heard a parent of multiples say they felt their kids’ behavior improved with more iPad time. Correct me if I’m wrong!

        4. Call names or don’t, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was told over and over I would 100% be using screens, that I was damn near delusional to think I could avoid them, with my one child. My in-laws offered to buy my son a tablet for his first birthday and when I politely declined, my SIL did the biggest sneer/eyeroll I’ve ever seen on a human being. It has been easy for our family to not use screens before age 2! That’s it, that’s my whole point, and my experience isn’t invalid because yours was different.

      5. It’s easy for us at 4 (and it’s also easy with my second at 2). And she’s a farrrrr more poorly behaved child when we do use screens. That being said, we used screens to help with two scary topics, and Daniel Tiger and Mr. Rogers explained the stuff better and more age appropriately than I ever could’ve. So I definitely think there’s a role for screens, but I don’t like the behavior I get when we use them as a replacement for connection, boredom, or entertainment.

    2. I am mentally and physically exhausted by elder care. I’m the only close family member local, and others are few in number and a plane ride away. Jill Connor Browne got it right when she said that the best way to improve quality of life as an adult is to be the child who moves out of state. I love my parent dearly, but I’m tired of the elder care and probably genuinely depressed over the life I have lived for several years now and will continue to be living for likely many more years, due to the significant constrictions that it places on my life.

      1. Moving my aunt who has dementia into a nice assisted living facility was the number one best thing we ever did for her. She’s so happy now (it’s amazing how much it helps to get someone’s basic needs all taken care of in one place) and we’re so much happier than when we were running ragged trying to long-distance caregive. After going through this, my strong opinion is that as you age, you should rely on professional help for ADLs and rely on your children only for social purposes and basic assistance like dropping off a load of groceries or getting a ride to the doctor. I think it preserves the relationship so much better for both sides. Of course there are many people who can’t afford that because of everything (*gestures vaguely to world*) but if you can afford it, do it.

        1. Thank you for your thoughts. He’s in what I would call Assisted Living Lite. Room, board, laundry, and medication management. No nurses. And I’m grateful for him being there. But there are a host of medical issues with the attendant appointments and procedures, and if I call instead of visit to check in with him he will lie and say he’s fine even if he isn’t. It works better if I can see if he’s developing an issue and arrange medical care without it turning into a middle of the night ER visit. I have been to court and handled a docket without having gone to bed twice in the past when I relied on the occasional call instead of visit and things went south. I’m not particularly young, and have my own health issues, so staying up all night and running point on a criminal court docket the next day is a lot for me.

          So I try to lay eyes on him every day if I can. I’m super grateful that he moved himself
          into this place, and that money is not an issue. I know it could be worse but it’s still a lot to do by myself. I’m still looking in on and taking care of his house as well, though I’ve outsourced yard and basic cleaning. I just want a vacation – like a real vacation, where I go off and have fun for a week.

          1. If an elder care social worker is on the table, she also really helped us with the aforementioned aunt. We’re long-distance and need eyes on the ground and she’s been a LIFESAVER.

          2. Time for a family meeting. We did this in my family. The siblings have to start using their vacation time to come relieve you so that you can take real vacations. And money should be pooled and used to hire a caregiver/case manager that lays eyes on Dad daily so you don’t have to every day. And those siblings need to be assigned the job to come and empty and sell Dad’s house.

            It’s still a huge amount of time to monitor and oversee all of this. I hear you. I hear you. I did it too. It ruined my life. I want to try to save yours.

          3. If money is not as issue, consider hiring private care to visit daily. For the last 18 months of her life, we had 24-hour care for my MIL and it was heaven-sent. This was care hired on top of the care provided in her assisted living facility. We got to know the caregivers and my MIL became friends with them and it worked well for everyone. The caregivers would travel with her to the ER when needed and be with her until we could get there.

      2. Oh, man, I feel you! I always say I’ve been divorced twice and the very hardest and saddest thing I’ve ever been through was elder care. Hugs to you!

      3. I’ve done it 3 times now. It is exhausting. It’s also part of the reason I chose not have children. I couldn’t take care of any more people.

        1. I totally understand and respect your view. I will say that for me, though, taking care of my own child has been an entirely different experience than my elder care experience. I was on the fence for years about having kids, decided to have one, and I’m very glad I did.

    3. I am so very tempted to cheat on my abusive partner. I can’t leave right now without endangering myself and the pets. The allure of someone being nice to me is strong. I won’t actually cheat because I’m not going to stoop to his level, but I’m at the point where very simple acts of kindness like a colleague remembering my coffee order makes me well up.

      1. Sending hugs. I hope you can leave soon and I understand how it’s not that easy.

    4. My husband had a health crisis and is currently on disability insurance. I have tremendous compassion for what he went through, but he seems a lot better and I’m still paying all of our bills. We are under a lot of financial stress and while he does help more with the kids etc., he is also living his best life – going to the gym, seeing friends and showing no sign of going back to work. I’m getting increasingly frustrated and don’t know how to bring it up without sounding uncaring.

      1. “So, when are you planning to go back to work?”

        Is he paying for his new-found social life with his disability income at least?

      2. “How are you feeling?” “What’s the near term prognosis?” “When does the doctor think you can return to work?” If he had to quit his job, then add in he should start looking now, not when he’s all better. But, he might need the uncaring reality check that his family is suffering.

      3. Not working, or working a fun job, is always more fun than working. It sounds obvious; our culture often talks so much about “finding your passion” or “leaning out” that we forget that a lot of work isn’t fun.

        So of course your husband is enjoying not working! Who wouldn’t?

        How to bring it up: household budget meeting. Point out that you guys can’t be kept afloat financially like this indefinitely and you need a plan.

    5. I adore my husband but these days he is on my last nerve and I’m not sure what to do about it.

      1. Vacation? That gives you permission to go to the spa, zone out on the beach, and drink a drink with umbrellas. If you can encourage him to do something non life threatening without you, like a fishing boat, even better

    6. I am unsuccessful and unwanted in every domain of my life: career, parenting, volunteer work, my hobby. My husband and dog still like me for some unfathomable reason, but that’s it. A couple of years ago a new job was created for me that seemed like a step up, but it turns out that after years at a very senior level I am now treated like a grad student. I’m making plans to switch to a zero-prestige, low-paid, lower-stress field because I am just done with all this nonsense. Until then I have to bite my tongue every day to avoid rage-quitting. Age has caught up with me at my hobby so I don’t feel a sense of achievement there. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that I might get a month or two to play housewife during the job tr—ition.

      1. I feel this in a slight different way in my life, but I think the emotional experience we’re having is very similar. I’m sorry you’re feeling this too. I just keep telling myself, “one foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other…”

      2. Try out new things for your hobby? It took a while but I found things I really like that don’t require young knees.

    7. I’m taking a trip with a friend who is very frugal to an expensive destination. I know we’ll have fun together. We’ve travelled before and had a great time. But I’m toying with secretly staying an extra day and splurging on something they would not do (already asked). We’re leaving on different flights so I know it’s possible to pull off.

      1. I’ve been on both sides of this and I feel like honesty is the best policy here. She knows you have different budgets and may not even be that interested in the thing you’re doing. “I’m going to a stay an extra day so I can do XYZ” is much less weird than finding out someone secretly extended their trip. Also so curious what it is!

        1. Agreed! Sneaking it communicates that you feel some shame about it, or that she should, neither of which needs to be true!

      3. I would do this but not in secret. The most frugal person has to deal with the fact that other people may want to splurge on stuff. That’s not shameful.

        1. Late in the game, but 1000% agree with this. You asked her to do it, she declined. I’d tell her that you’re changing your plan to get to do it. And I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

      4. I do this, and not only because of cost. Sometimes I want to do things that others don’t. I just got back from a vacation where I met family. I went two days early to do what I wanted. It was great.

    1. That’s a great bag! I have been looking for an olive bag, so I just ordered it in olive. I also love the oxblood, which is a great neutral for fall.

    5. Just a note that Nordstrom Rack has some past season Madewell bags. I always check there.

    6. Olive! I’ve had two olive-colored bags and they’re great because they “go” with all my outfits and shoes as an accent color, since I usually wear warmer-toned colors but rarely wear green clothing items.

  4. If you love your job and need to stay in it for many REASONS, but they have an absolute cap on your salary (much less than say similar roles in other places) what can you do to feel better/ not taken advantage of? Trying to lean out but given small team, high stakes, not as possible.

    1. You remind yourself of how important the Reasons are, and what it would cost to address them with money if you went elsewhere.

    2. I’m basically in this position. What I do like is the flexibility and trust – my boss doesn’t nickel and dime about time in the office (although we are required to be full time in the office) or care if or when I take vacation, and if I don’t feel well, I use sick time without any questions.

      I also have a lot of leave and good benefits, at least for the moment. I try to find projects that are interesting to me and let me work with people I enjoy working with.

    3. You lean into the Reasons, or step back and evaluate whether the Reasons are truly as firm as you think they are.

    4. It’s actually pretty uncommon to be very underpaid. Not at the max for a role, sure, but you’re probably somewhere in the mean. Try to really assess that, I find it helps.

    5. Keep repeating to yourself that comparison is the thief of joy. No matter what job you have, there will always be other jobs out there that pay more, you are always leaving money on the table when you pick one job over another. If at some point the REASONS don’t justify losing out on pay, then you can reassess. Good luck!

  5. Mistrial for the Clancy case. It’s maddening that even with all the attention, postpartum issues still won’t get any change…

    1. I read that a note said a single juror was blocking the verdict. I wonder what the others were leaning towards.

      1. The NYT reports that 11 voted not guilty on first-degree murder (but it’s not clear whether they would have convicted on a lesser charge or rendered an NGRI verdict). The holdout expressed doubts about her guilt but refused to vote not guilty.

      2. It was 11 not guilty lack of crim responsibility to 1 who was not following the law according to the jury’s note. I have been closely following since day 1 to the detriment of my own work. And now I will do it again I guess.

    2. What do you think should have changed as to Clancy herself? She saw doctors, she had meds, ?? I to be honest haven’t been following it much so I am asking this sincerely.

      1. She saw an NP and a psychiatrist who was fresh out of residency. Maybe someone with an MD and more than three months of experience under their belt could have helped?

        1. Speaking as someone struggling to find a good psychiatrist for someone with severe mental illness, it is very very very hard in some areas to find a good psychiatrist that is taking patients within a reasonable timeframe. NPs are everywhere now, and often young inexperienced docs are the best you can get. The experienced psychiatrists are all leaving for private practice / no insurance accepted, which is often unaffordable.

          2. That doesn’t give those people a license to practice outside of their scope, and the Clancy household was not exactly struggling financially.

        2. Her bio says her expertise includes perinatal psychology and does not list her years of training, just her institutions. I agree she was the wrong provider, but I don’t know how a patient would know that.

      2. We can only guess. Maybe she should have had (more?) inpatient care, maybe she should have had only supervised time with her children. Isn’t she or her family arguing that the doctors and medications were wrong and insufficient? I’m sure you could look more into that.

        1. This kind of stuff is so hard. Who could really say she could only have supervised time with her children? A doctor probably doesn’t have that power and would be super scared if he/she were wrong. Imagine your doctor telling you that when you were fine . . . you would sue their pants off.

          I think the Clancy trial has been good to bring it all to light and let women know it’s more common that you think. But the hard part is a lot of women don’t want to come forward because they’re afraid the kids will be taken. And now we’re saying yup, her kids should have been taken or she should have been separated from them. (Obviously she should have been in this case but it’s hard to know that with certainty prospectively.)

      3. yeah I really struggle with this case. I do think postpartum issues and women’s health in general are easy to dismiss and the system fails a lot of people. At the same time, she had a lot of privileges that many other women don’t have – not just being an educated, white woman, but also extended family support, a husband who provided the financial means for her to not work and also have a lot of childcare help from preschool and a nanny, the financial and logistical ability to do an extended inpatient hospital stay, etc. I have family members with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, so I’ve seen firsthand that treating mental health issues is really complex and a lot of mental illness causes patients to be treatment-resistant. There’s not much doctors can do when adult patients are checking themselves out of in-patient stays and refusing to take meds. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for her family’s civil suit because based on everything I’ve heard I don’t feel like she’s a poster child for failure of the system. She was treatment-resistant, which is sadly common with mental health patients but not the doctor’s fault.

        1. Yeah, and suits like that are just going to cause fewer doctors to go into this thankless field.

          1. Exactly.. it’s so easy to Monday morning quarterback it but I don’t see anything that makes me think the care she received was negligent in the moment. It’s a high bar to prove medical malpractice and it should be, or no one would work in healthcare.

            I also don’t love the assumption that the care was automatically inferior because it came from an NP. I have a lot of MDs in the family and lots of respect for medical doctors, but there are amazing nurses and NPs and plenty of crappy doctors out there. (also by that logic anyone who’s treated by an NP and has a bad outcome could successfully sue, which is patently absurd.)

          2. An NP lacks the training to handle a patient who is experiencing psychosis and has bad reactions to medications.

          3. Credentialism is a problem, but NP education is also inferior to MD education. Of course there can be autodidacts as well as people who forget everything they learned! But even amazing providers don’t know what they don’t know, whatever their credential, and NPs were never even asked to know a lot.

            Mental healthcare is a castle built on sand, but if she was never diagnosed with psychosis because she showed no signs of psychosis (even under observation while inpatient), the other issues with her healthcare (like the meds) seem different from the missed diagnosis (and missed risks).

            I see the point about medical malpractice, but I still feel like the standards are low with very little recourse. Other professionals don’t get away with just flat out being wrong the way MDs do. I understand that biology is hard, and we want every provider to practice to the best of their ability, which will always mean going beyond guidelines and flow charts that don’t account for every patient (let alone surgeons taking whatever approach will lead to the best outcomes for them personally). But in the rare disease space, there’s way too much “I don’t believe in that condition” and “those test results must have been false negatives because you seem fine to me” and “maybe you really have this condition but today your symptoms are functional” happening. Also far too much dishonesty in charting. Something needs to change, but lawsuits aren’t helping (a lot of this is CYA anyway, like making sure not to chart concerning symptoms, or sowing doubt about a diagnosis in case of a potential poor outcome).

          4. “Credentialism” takes isms to an absurd place. Let’s just leave that word in the drafts next time.

        2. I keep thinking about a lot of efforts to destigmatize mental illness really focused on sending the message that mentally ill people are not a threat to others, are themselves highly vulnerable, and generally that it was bigoted to suggest that there were risks or cautions around what they might do. Often there was an asterisk about risks to immediate family or household members that got missed. It can’t be missed here.

          1. Americans are so wierd about mental illness. “Mental illness doesn’t do this! Or that!” But of course it does. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have compassion or try to minimize impacts, but we, collectively, have built up a wall of ignorance, on purpose.

          2. Yeah, the “Myth: Mentally ill people are violent/dangerous. Fact: Actually, mentally ill people are more likely to be the victim of violence than its instigator” has frustrated me for a long time. Those aren’t contradictory statements!

  6. Has anyone ordered glasses from designerframesoutlet dot com before? I want to buy another pair of the frames I currently have but they’ve been discontinued, so I can’t get them from the source I did before. Not sure if this place is legit…

    1. Alternatively, has anyone ever bought just the frames online and gotten a reputable local optometrist to supply the rx lenses?

      1. I bought frames from a questionable site once and they actually arrived. I figured I could do a chargeback if they didn’t arrive and I used a virtual credit card number.

      2. My daughter has extremely specific glasses needs and we always order frames online and then have the optometrist do the rx lenses and install them into the frames. Talk to the optometrist but we’ve never had an issue.

      3. I once had a pair of reading glasses whose frames I really loved so I got the lenses switched out to my regular prescription. My optician did the switch.

  7. This kind of stuff is so hard. Who could really say she could only have supervised time with her children? A doctor probably doesn’t have that power and would be super scared if he/she were wrong. Imagine your doctor telling you that when you were fine . . . you would sue their pants off.

    I think the Clancy trial has been good to bring it all to light and let women know it’s more common that you think. But the hard part is a lot of women don’t want to come forward because they’re afraid the kids will be taken. And now we’re saying yup, her kids should have been taken or she should have been separated from them. (Obviously she should have been in this case but it’s hard to know that with certainty prospectively.)

    1. 100% for it and have published op-eds to that effect in the past. Don’t have time for a long response but to offer one argument in favor (to an audience that needs convincing), it’s far better for businesses to have predictable taxation to support this program rather than shouldering health plan costs directly.

    4. For it. I was raised in a household that was republican for “fiscally conservative” reasons, but the older I’ve become, the more I’m like: Fine! Take my money! I don’t care if it is “more than my fair share” to pay! Just make sure we all have healthcare already!!”

    5. I’m for it – I honestly can’t imagine anyone who isn’t an insurance company hating it. Prices aren’t tethered to reality. I’m a multimillionaire and still worry about bankruptcy caused by a single medical event.

    6. Against, because I have parents who receive care at the VA, and I just don’t know many people who are actually reliant on government-run healthcare who are in favor of government-run healthcare.

      1. Have you talked to many people actually on Medicare? Because that’s what we are talking about. Most people have very good experiences. You are talking about the VA system – which is a complete separate hospital system. I would argue that we shouldn’t have Medicare, and Medicaid, and the VA, and the federal health system plan and a zillion different private insurance plans – that everyone should just have the same insurance.

        There are going to be downsides, but our private health insurance sector is becoming more evil by the day. More restrictions on care, more denials, more exclusions, more hidden deadlines that guarantee most patients will lose their chance for appeal, and now insurance companies are putting up roadblocks to allowing peer-to-peer appeals by physicians. If you don’t know what I’m talking about you have been fortunate.

        1. I’m on Medicare because I’m over 65, and it’s not good. It’s also the most expensive health insurance I’ve ever had. I belong to an online forum of Medicare users and the confusion and number of issues with billing is astounding — granted there is bias there, those who don’t have issues don’t post.

          1. Do you know how much health insurance costs on the marketplace if you are 65? Maybe check that and see how much subsidy you are getting on Medicare.

          2. My current health insurance is also the most expensive that I have ever had and provides the worst coverage I have ever had. That’s just how the insurance market is these days across the board.

        2. Yes, I also know plenty of people on Medicare. But if *everyone* is on Medicare, you’ll have a system that is much more akin to the VA than one like Medicare, where government-provided healthcare is competing against marketplace-provided healthcare. You think everyone should have the same insurance? Well, that’s what is happening at the VA, and it’s a nightmare.

          The wider spread Medicare is, the more like the VA the system will become. And like the other person said, Medicare itself is not this magical cure all.

          1. The VA is separate doctors and hospitals. People on Medicare can use most doctors and hospitals, as most major hospitals and doctors accept Medicare. The VA system is relatively small.

          2. You completely missed my point. If everyone has a single form of insurance, you eliminate the competing pressures that underlie our current system. When you eliminate those pressures entirely, you end up with a system like the VA. And the VA is a broken system.

            Medicare already covers 1/5 of Americans. I’m not advocating for abandoning it for that 20%. But rapidly expanding a program from 20% to 100% would obviously create significant structural changes, and I am saying that those structural changes would be net negative based on how well the government is doing at the area where it is trying to run healthcare.

          3. VA might be broken, but at least it exists. For a lot of Americans, nothing exists except $400 urgent care visits.

        3. Yes! Medicare is an absolute nightmare, and even for people who avoid Advantage plans, Part D is private health insurance already.

          M4A plans usually involve proposing changes to make Medicare more like Medicaid, which always seemed dishonest to me as well as unlikely to happen.

          The biggest private health insurers are VERY interested in everyone just having the same insurance. They just each what it to be through them. Things are very, very bad and also could be worse. Do you want MAHA deciding what your insurance covers?

        4. Counterpoint: in a rough spot in my life, I qualified for Medicaid and it was the best insurance I’ve ever had. It was insane to know I could just… go to a doctor if I needed to. If I’d been in a car accident, I wouldn’t have been trying to talk the emts into letting me drive myself to the ER. Yes, the network/availability isn’t great, but it also hasn’t been on private insurance. And private insurance is WAY more stressful in the “one single mistep leads to bankruptcy” sense. I’d go back in a heartbeat if we had a buy in program, and my confession is I kind of resent all the money we spend, from my taxes, on Medicaid/Medicare, for other people to get better healthcare than I can afford.

      2. The VA is a broken system, and if we can’t provide health care to those who have sacrificed for our freedom, how will it work out to provide health care for the average Joe and Jane.

        I grew up on the Canadian border, and know that even years ago local US clinics were clogged with Canadians who crossed the border for health care. My relatives who still live there report that it hasn’t changed. Certain services are really difficult to schedule.

        1. I have a premium health insurance plan that I pay a fortune for and it is also very hard to get things scheduled soooooooo

    7. Against. I have no desire to see our system degraded and the grass isn’t greener in other countries.

          1. Nice idea; probably workable in densely populated countries where the culture is to eat well, be active, and take care of yourself; a total pipe dream in America.

          2. Cool story. Then would you prefer no insurance and a cash-pay system? I lean socialist, but would prefer no insurance at all, and fewer barriers to becoming a doctor, recognizing that we would have more averagely paid mediocre doctors instead of the very few top of their class high earning kinds we have now (who are impossible to get an appointment with, and per a commenter below, are burning themselves out.)

      2. You already have both the most expensive system in the world and the worst maternal outcomes of all developed nations. Its not a good system

        1. We also have the least healthy female population of any developed nation. Natural consequences.

          1. Consequences of overwork, unsafe housing, a food system where following dietary recommendations is a thankless uphill battle, rampant DV, worse healthcare access, worse transportation, and cavalier regulation?

          3. What a dismal view of both the world around you and your own initiative you appear to have. How sad it must be to believe yourself to be so powerless.

          4. I don’t believe myself to be powerless; I am just aware of the unfairly distributed infrastructure, opportunities, and supports that make managing my health easier than it could be. And I know that if somebody bigger and stronger than me beat me up and left me with TBI and organ damage, I’d have worse health outcomes anyway, as would you.

          5. 11:11, do you regularly discount reality? Or do you prefer delusion so that you have a rosier world view?

          6. Pregnancy doesn’t care why you are hypertensive before getting pregnant; statistically, maternal outcomes are worse when you are. Pregnancy doesn’t care why you have poor glycemic control before getting pregnant; statistically, maternal outcomes are worse when you do. Pregnancy doesn’t care why you have a vitamin deficiency; statistically, maternal outcomes are worse when you do. Pregnancy is a stress test, and maternal outcomes will always, always be worse in a population that is less equipped for their bodies to be stressed.

            My comment was in response to a comment that laid the blame for poor maternal outcomes and expenses at the feet of the healthcare system. Literally none of the things this person listed are within the control of the healthcare system. But sure, all of them do increase the cost of care, and all of them do worsen maternal outcomes.

            You appear to believe that choices around healthy lifestyle aren’t within the control of the adults who are making those choices. I disagree with that. But whether they’re the responsibility of the individual or not, they certainly aren’t the responsibility or fault of the healthcare system.

            Saying “you have the most expensive system with the worst maternal outcomes” as a sign that there’s a flaw in the healthcare system doesn’t make sense when the populations themselves are different. Of course caring for sicker women is going to be more expensive and cost more. Duh. Not the healthcare system’s fault.

    8. I’m honestly not sure. I would like some system where people can get affordable insurance without a traditional employer, because I think people should be able to start businesses, take breaks from paid work to provide care for children/elders or get laid off without their next medical bill bankrupting them. However, I’ve heard a lot about the downsides to a centralized system like the Canadian one, including long waits for care, so I’m not sure I want that here. I think the ideal solution is probably close to what Obamacare was trying to do, expanded government subsidies for private insurance.

      1. Does someone here have experience and can elaborate on these long wait times? Last year my insurance booted my old PCP out of network and it took me 2+ hours of research and phone calls to find one taking new patients. The shortest wait time for an appointment was 9 months. I then needed to schedule a follow up with a specialist and that took 5 months for the earliest appointment. I am told my insurance is one of the better ones. How much longer could the wait times be? Honestly I’d happily wait longer for an appointment then having to find new doctors every few years when my insurance company renegotiates contracts or my employer changes insurance providers or I change jobs.

        1. There are a lot of factors, but two big ones that I have heard from doctor friends but have no data to back up:

          — the AMA misjudged how sick but, importantly, not dead the Boomer and Millennial population would be. People are living longer, which means more doctor time spent on things like managing cholesterol, post-cancer care, etc. It obviously is great that people aren’t dying, but when you extend life for a patient, you also extend their needed medical care, which is also going to be higher than the same care for a patient who never had that condition. A woman who has survived colon cancer is going to have colonoscopies more frequently than her counterparts, for example. It’s fabulous that cancers are becoming more treatable, but you’re creating more recurrent clinical needs, and those consume resources. And that’s the same for diabetes, chronic hypertension, etc.

          — the AMA misjudged how much insurance company pressures would burn out doctors, so more doctors are retiring early, going part time, etc. And then doctor shortages create more burnout and more shortages.

          1. Oh, and obviously — both of these misjudgments led to doctor shortages and doctor time shortages.

          3. I struggle to believe the AMA genuinely misjudged these things. People living longer in worse health and insurance taking up more of doctor’s time were predicted well in advance by the people best qualified to be predicting, so at best the AMA would have been willfully ignorant. I remember actual doctors talking about both trends already in the late 1990s.

            Also the AMA has long had a role in doctor shortages; they believe that they can keep salaries high by limiting supply.

          4. The AMA has been advocating for congress to fund more residency spots for years.

        2. I know quite a few rich Canadians who cross the border for healthcare, which suggests to me that our medical care is better for those who can afford to pay. Doesn’t mean it’s better for everyone, and that’s an issue, but as someone who can afford to pay out of pocket I’d rather not see a major decline in care or increase in wait times. And it can definitely be worse than 5-9 months.

          1. If you are rich or have really excellent health insurance, the US has the best healthcare in the world. That is why people from other countries come here.
            The problem of course is that not that many people fall into those categories.

            All of that said, I am not in favor of Medicare for all for the simple reason that it is never going to pass in this country. It just won’t and so debating it is a waste of time and energy. Now letting people buy into Medicare at the average cost per person? That might work.

          2. Plenty of Americans also leave the country for medical care because it can be significantly cheaper or faster wait times. I was hoping to get people’s actual experience with wait times but it seems no one can answer that question.

      2. Yep. We run our own business and need to get it thru the marketplace. our premiums (family of 4, mcol Midwest) are $19k, individual deductibles are $8k or $14500 for the family. It’s absurd.

    9. As someone in the process of signing up for regular Medicare: it is a mess and confusing and expensive. If Medicare-for-all looks like this, it won’t be good.

      1. Strongly against. I lived in 2 countries with national healthcare and have family in 3rd. There is not enough discussion on the limits of national healthcare including availability and wait times.

  9. I’ve never had a wheeled carry-on bag (always traveled with duffels) but now I’m too old to do that. Do I want the four-wheeled kind that you can push next to you or the two-wheel kind you drag behind you? Any brand recommendations for something fairly basic?

    1. The four wheeled kind can be pulled like a two wheeled, too.

      Two wheels are generally better if you need to wheel them over rough surfaces (like cobbles), while four wheeled ones are better on smooth surfaces (like airport flooring). I find the four wheeled kind easier on my shoulders.

    2. I like the four wheel spinners. We just have cheap ones from Target but they’ve held up fine (going on 5ish years of use and I fly 10-15 times per year). Personally I’ve never found investing in expensive luggage to be worth it. I had an Away bag once and it looked so busted after a year or two; I would rather just get cheap luggage and replace it when it starts to look terrible or not work well.

    3. For a carry-on I prefer two wheels because the spinner bags lose a lot of capacity to the wheels.

    5. If you’re mostly wheeling it on smooth surfaces (so, car, to paved sidewalk, to airport, to hotel) then 4 wheels.

      For uneven surfaces, I don’t care how “you can totally wheel it on 2 of the 4” sounds, I’ve seen so many people dragging – not rolling – this style of suitcase around European cobbles, that I only buy 2-wheels. Travelpro is my ride or die.

      1. I use my four-wheeler upright on smooth surfaces, then tilt it onto the two wheels that are same side as the handle for uneven surfaces. The wheels align and it rolls just like any two-wheeler. Here’s a photo: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=CAESagHrOzAVZ9duXMLh59ZdHKV03CB3w_2MjqM8XEiHUoLpffEO4-KUrgETFdPZ7dETJwT2ByKTfEylvherVt_ioBaFT9CssJG5AoGn5tAO16_-K__2lRlNOvUBRBupQyyYwPt4CfwuzMkVOFA&uoh=2&ved=2ahUKEwjJlemE0NeWAxWTFjQIHQjhH0oQjRx6BAgLEBQ&opi=89978449&usg=AOvVaw2B9Efq36SkOjcVHg8-dEiZ

        1. I’m familiar with how a 4-wheel tipped to 2 wheels is *supposed* to work. Saying that in reality, a lot of the time, the smooth swivel feature of the wheels means they are prone to rotating and catching, as opposed to rolling over, bumps they encounter. Or the angle when tipped doesn’t match up well with the best surface area for rolling/ the little wheelguards get in the way.

    6. HIGHLY recommend the two-wheel Travelpro FlightCrew5 line (which is marketed to professionals, pilots and flight attendants, and can only be purchased at specialty stores, although they will sell to non-professionals like us). They are relatively inexpensive and super sturdy and durable. They are a bit heavier than normal, which could affect your ability to carry on the bag on European and Middle Easter airlines, if they weigh your cabin bags. But this version of Travelpro is well worth it, my “go-to.” Safe travels!

  10. I’m attending an event this weekend where the dress code is garden party / winery chic. It’s in the afternoon at a winery.

    I’m thinking of wearing the Dylan Midi Dress from Abercrombie, paired with flat sandals. I’ll post the link in a reply.

    Would that dress work? Or is it too formal?

          2. Your eye. It depends where you are from. Where I live you will absolutely get called out for wearing a dress like this—there is zero way to wear it casually.

          3. Where are you from that people are calling people out about their clothing on a regular basis?

          4. I’m struggling to imagine a place where this would not read casual. Do people normally wear overalls or what.

  11. Advice needed for in-person interview outfit

    I’ve been looking for a job, going full-steam, and it is paying off!

    What do I wear?! Preferably low heels or loafers, pants, and layers.

    The 2 strongest prospects are 2 international professional services firms, with their regional offices in US Southeast or Midwest.

    I am older (later 40s) and have had a zigzag career but I’ve got my grad school degree and I know my stuff. Technical Specialist positions.

    The last time I had an in-person interview might have been for a much more junior position in 2019, or before that at a construction firm in 2017.

    I am willing to shop! I am short (5’3”) and plus-size to about 20 or 1x. Sometimes larger numbers, but happy to buy whatever fits. My hips are much larger than my chest – very pair.

    Please tell me what to wear. Y’all are much better thinking about this than I am

    2. I think your plan of low heels or loafers and pants sounds good. By “and layers,” what do you mean . . . are you thinking of a blouse or shirt and something over it? Some other kind of layering?

      Which parts of this outfit do you already own, and which would you need to shop for? I’d suggest shopping for whatever parts are hardest for you to find, and then building the outfit from there. For me, shoes and pants are the hardest, and therefore the kinds of shopping I don’t want to do, but it’s where I’d need to start.

      Also, do you have a decent looking tote or bag to carry your stuff, the earrings / watch / other jewelry you’d feel good in, and outerwear that’s in good condition if it’s needed? These are also parts of an outfit that I forget about until it’s too late, and then don’t have what I need.

      1. I feel as though everything I own is too old and uncomfortable to feel confident in!

        I do have button-up shirts with the collars, classic oxford style. White and blue.

        My suits are not a new style or silhouette – think 2010s lapels and tapered ankles. I guess I’m hoping for reinforcement in getting a new suit and if so — where to shop and what details to look for? Willing to spend!

        What about jewelry? I remember learning studs or small hoop earrings. What about a necklace?

        I am uncertain enough about my case study part of the interview, any guidance on this part is so helpful.

        1. Suits are hard to come by. I watch people interview at the executive level fairly frequently, and I guess the best I can say is that they all dress like he LL, but still in the realm of appropriate —so tapered pants, even though I’ve always hated them, are still worn fairly often, same with a sheath and blazer. It’s your skill set that matters. Many of the bad dressers get hired anyway. So best advice is take a trip to the mall, If something speaks to you, great! If only one new piece that works with something you already own speaks to you, also great. Just make sure everything is ironed, clean (to include shoes) your hair looks intentional, you do basic makeup (if you’re having a breakout, make sure that isn’t the focus of your face) and that you have brushed and flossed. Make sure you have clipped and filed your nails and cleaned underneath them. Good luck!

          1. Same with facial hair. If you have a weird hair sticking out of your face, pluck it. If you have an abundance of eyebrow (I don’t, so it doesn’t ever apply to me) tame them.

          2. Thank you this seems helpful and kind and reminds me what to focus on what not to worry about

        1. Yes.

          First find retailers that offer suits in the size you need (plus sizes, likely petites). Then see what they offer. That will narrow down the color/style question for you. Choose the color that suits you best, in whatever style you like best. I’m guessing all the suits are going to be fairly classic, and in dark neutral colors, so it’s going to be hard to go too wrong. Get the pants / suit sleeves shortened if needed.

          Permission also granted to wear the suit you already own, and just buy new pieces for the rest of the outfit.

  12. I just made my first purchase on Sezane and I’m not sure if the site was intentionally infuriating or if I was doing something wrong. Despite being on the shop app I had to manually register and then enter all of my details, and there were like 6 steps to check out. Is this normal? They had two pairs of pants that I liked and hadn’t seen the like of in nearly a decade, so I was determined to see it through, but I’m still annoyed.

Comments are closed.