Thursday’s Workwear Report: Bistretch Belted Pencil Skirt

471 Comments

1. My kids are finally old enough that they will not (immediately) destroy any nice thing I own. My bday is coming up and I want nice sunglasses.

   What’s trendy but timeless enough that if they don’t get broken list or stolen in 3 years I won’t look horribly outdated? Bonus if it looks good on a more rounded face.

   Under $500.

   1. I have a pair of Polaroid-brand aviators and I absolutely love them. What has made the biggest difference in my neither losing nor breaking them in the ~7 years I’ve owned them is that they’re small enough to fit in a standard rigid glasses case, rather than one of the really huge ones that would be harder to fit into a handbag.

   2. Aviators are a classic but you might have to play around with styles to see what size & height suits your face best. Ray-bans are best for me because the location the earpieces attach, about a third of the way down the lens, places the lenses perfectly for my eyes & brows. (If earpieces attach at the top of the frame instead, it’s almost always a mismatch for my facial proportions.)

      1. Yep – I love Ray Ban Aviators. Complete classic, and bonus, they’re WAY less than $500. For me they’re in that perfect price range – they’re nice enough to enjoy, but not so expensive that if I lose them in a year it’s a huge deal (still a great cost per wear given I wear them multiple times per day).

   3. I’m just curious as to ages and genders. I am about to go into couch-shopping mode and fear getting anything other than a darkish leather. [It would be for my bedroom, on a floor above the kitchen, so it *should* be safe but all it takes is a shaving or nail polish accident to make any other choice likely regrettable.]

      1. I am confused. Are you talking about your own shaving or nail polish accident (easy to avoid) or your kids? If it’s the latter, how and why would your kids be doing those things on your bedroom sofa? ( And yes, I have kids and upholstered furniture in my bedroom, adjacent to my giant bathroom.)

         1. Ha — if there is a fluid in the house, it will be on the thing you don’t want it on. Silver glitter nail polish travelled downstairs and was used on the one piece of nice furniture in the time it took to replace a beeping battery in a CO2 alarm. Recently, a panicked kid ran in with an nosebleed that looked to be from a prize fight. I don’t think we can ever have nice furniture. Sunglasses possibly.

         2. I nicked my ankle shaving once, thought I’d stopped the bleeding, only to track a bloody footprint on the hallway carpet a few minutes later. I could see staining a couch if it was the back of my knee.

      2. I have a chair slipcovered in white cotton in my bedroom. It’s been there for 15 years. No accidents.

         1. I saw Goody Anonymous slipcovering a chair with the devil!

            1. Can you send the devil my digits? This is evil I can use.

            2. This is hilarious, thanks for the laugh!

         2. Sorry, I’m sure I’m on the messy end of the spectrum, I’m accusing people of the occult to cover my own clutziness lol

      3. I have had a huge beige couch in our living room since before kids and 7+ years in, it still looks fine. I really think this is mostly a non issue, or at least can be. We are hardly the neatest people. The two things that probably help is that it’s a textured fabric so if you do have minor stains they aren’t very visible (i.e., I can’t tell) and the cushions are all reversible and removable/washable. We washed them once after my kids were small and whatever stains we had disappeared. Now, my kids aren’t allowed to eat on it (except popcorn for movie night and then we just put down a throw under them) and they know not to draw on it and they drink only water (maybe that helps) so it really hasn’t been an issue in about 2 years.

      4. OP here. I have 3 girls ages 4-8. Biggest risk is my kids stealing them.

   4. Celine, you can prob find them under 500 online. Very classic and beautiful.

   5. Ray an aviators come in so many shapes. Mine are rounded at the edges and my husband is trying to steal them.

      1. Chanel. Got a pair at Nordstrom 4 years ago. Love them. It may the most expensive accessory I own but was a splurge I have never regretted.

   6. I’m also team aviators, but my sunglasses of choice are the Maui Jim Mavericks. MJ has the BEST lenses, and I thought the Mavericks fit my small face better than any of the Ray Ban offerings. They hold up super well too – I have a few pairs in different colors and the only issue is that I have to get the scratched lenses replaced on one because I’ve dropped them off my head at the barn so many times, oops. I love them so much I haven’t bought anything else in like eight years.

      1. Also Maui Jim is independently owned, and Ray Ban is owned by Luxottica which is… not great.

      2. I love my Maui Jims, and they have good customer service. I once sat on a pair and broke the nose piece in two. They repaired it for far cheaper than a new pair, and I swear I think they may have just sent a new pair because the lenses looked to be in better condition when I got them back. I am on my second pair of Breakwells, but I think sunglasses are something you just try on and see what works for your face.

   7. I think sunglasses are like jeans now – every style is fine. I always like huge glasses and have a pair from Chloe that I love. You can order a few to try on from Nordstrom Rack — they have tons and cheaper than regular store and they come brand new in great condition (not always the case with their actual stores).
      I also agree that Ray Bans are classic. I don’t like their aviators personally because I like yo wear my glasses on top of my head a lot and those get stuck in my hair, but the wayfarers (tortoiseshell specifically) are great.

   8. I wear Rx sunglasses and my favorites over the last few years have been Chanel, Isaac Mizrahu, and Paul Smith. I like oversized with a slight cat eye (not exaggerated.)

   9. For sunglasses, I don’t go with what is trendy, but what happens to suit my face the best, which is with my rounded face a rectangular frame. If you go to an optical store, you can try on a bunch of shapes and colors to see what is most flattering. Then

2. Looking for opinions, reviews, dos/don’ts about getting plastic surgery after weight loss. Specifically, I’m looking at getting something done with my arms and maybe stomach. I’ve very intrigued by the idea of something like bodytite (liposuction with skin tightening) because of the minimal downtime but I also don’t know if the results are any way comparable to an arm lift/tummy tuck. I’ve lost and maintained 75 lbs over the last several years and am slowly working on the last 20. I’m 48 so I sort of feel like I’m at go time as far as having elective surgery and if I wait much longer I may be looking at other concerns. I go for a consult in early March and am wondering about what questions to ask, how to prepare, etc. Tell me all your stories please.

3. Social media is bombarding me this week with a certain Jenni Kaye (Kayne? Kanye? I cannot recall.) sweater dress with an obi-type belt. It looks so lovely! It comes in a variety of light colors, one of which might work with my ruddy complexion. But then I pull it up and the skirt is down to the model’s ankles (so it would likely be even longer than my corgi legs). Who are these people who shop here? SM algorithms are so odd with what they spit out. The dress, minus about 24 inches of skirt, does look lovely though.

   1. I keep seeing that also, and I’m gonna bet it looks like a bathrobe in real life, or on anyone under 6’2″.

      1. I quit trying to buy and wear belted cardigans years back, when I realize that no matter how “polished” the rest of my look is, they make me look like I just got out of bed and am wandering around trying to find the coffeepot.

   2. Some people like long dresses, why is it odd? Not everyone shares your concerns about how long their legs are.

      1. A light color would not stay light for long if the hem is dragging.

         1. It seems like an easy solution – don’t buy it if it’s much too long for you, or get it hemmed? Maxi dresses are popular, it’s not an unusual length .

            1. Hemming a sweater dress?

            2. A maxi sweater dress sounds so heavy. Wouldn’t it get stretched out of shape?

            3. Sweaters are totally hemmable, it’s just a little more tricky.

4. i didn’t have a chance to chime into yesterday’s mask discussion, but if you haven’t read the framework for ‘riding the waves’ by your local epidemiologist I encourage you to do so. (link in comments). i wish local officials were including some discussion of how to on/off ramp precautions as the virus ebbs and flows. i also found it helpful in thinking about how i might manage my own behavior

   1. https://yourlocalepidemiologist.substack.com/p/riding-the-waves-a-framework-for

      1. She barely talks about masks (I controled F for it and saw the word mask twice), which is my primary concern.

         1. do you know how to read a chart? she has an entire row to her chart devoted to when we should/shouldn’t masks. it is one of the tools we have in managing the spread and mutation of the virus. you don’t necessarily need to mention a word a lot, to make a salient point about it when using a chart

            1. Gosh, no need to be rude. I used control F and that didn’t show up for some reason (maybe because it’s an image). Thank you for pointing me in the right direction.

   2. This shouldn’t be left up to local officials. The CDC should have come up with a framework like this in January of 2021 and gotten state and local officials on board with it.

      1. well yes, this. but that is also what should’ve happened throughout this pandemic, but our former president turned covid into a political issue instead of a public health issue

      2. That will never happen now. Local jurisdictions across the country have passed laws that public health officials aren’t allowed to make unilateral decisions like shutdowns or mask mandates. Thinking that somehow anyone will develop the political will (or power) to re-centralize public health decisions at the federal level is magical thinking.

   3. Nope, it’s time to get back to normal.

      1. No such thing. Welcome to the new world.

         1. You know what she means.

      2. Yep, 100%. If you’re not vaccinated, that’s on you. If you’re a kid, you’re not in danger (COVID is less dangerous to kids than RSV!!!)

         1. And if you’re immunocompromised?

            1. Then you were before covid and you will be still. How did you live through flu seasons? I’m sorry for you, but we cannot keep our kids masked for the rest of their lives. My kids are in elementary school and it is definitely affecting their learning.

            2. I’m immunocompromised and honestly, as much as it sucks, I don’t feel like it reasonable for me to expect people to do anything to protect me at this point. It’s up to me and my family.

            3. Oh 100% agree on nuance, just don’t agree on 100% back to normal. Folks were saying please mask on transit and in doctor’s offices and that would help me and others like me a lot. Our nanny doesn’t mask, except when my counts are severely low. That’s for the same reasons, I imagine, that you want your child to be able to see faces and interact normally at school.

               Also I became immunocompromised during COVID, so I actually don’t know about flu season, but the oncologists seem more concerned about COVID than flu.

            4. what if you weren’t immunocompromised previously? like the person i know who had a baby at the beginning of covid and is too young to wear a mask. and said baby has an older sibling. what is your suggestion for that family?

            5. Curious, I am very sympathetic to your current immunocompromised state due to your cancer treatment. However, you are vaccinated, yes? I think with the same reasonable precautions they would advise you to take if we weren’t in a pandemic, you have a reasonable expectation of being safe. People undergoing chemo have always been immunocompromised, including in the severe flu season of 2017, and the guidance was to mask, stay away from others, etc. I think the rampant spread of Omicron in places that still have mask mandates should be an indicator that we’re at a place where generalized masking doesn’t do a lot, and also that mask mandates aren’t very effective without the gathering restrictions and distancing component, which no one has the will to try to reinstate. Respectfully, I’m just not sure clinging to mask mandates makes a ton of sense given what just happened with Omicron. I’d be willing to put masks back on if and when there’s a new variant of concern that arises, but right now – reading the daily data, and seeing how Omicron has spread regardless of masking requirements, I just don’t know how useful of a tool that is any more.

            6. I’m not sure what you mean exactly, but I would say that they can’t fairly expect all other kids in their classes to wear masks indefinitely, thereby stunting their emotional development, speech development, classroom participation, etc.

            7. I’m in mod but basically just advocating for a slightly modified new normal. I actually agree on dropping masks in schools except during surges.

            8. Anon @ 10:17 –
               I’m confused. Who is immunocompromised in that situation? The new baby? The mom?

               Either way, this has also always been the case. Were babies not vulnerable to everything before? I have two (pre-Covid) winter babies and was terrified of the flu, RSV, etc., the whole time that they were small, esp. the first few months. I took tons of precautions to limit their exposure, including asking friends with kids to visit without kids in the first two months when any fever requires hospitalization (with an exception for their cousins, not because it’s rational but because it was a calculated risk), avoiding crowded places, making everyone wash their hands 10000000 times, etc. This has always been life.

            9. I’m always amazed that I see newborns out in places like Target and grocery stores. They have no immune systems and they are out and about with all of their germs (no doubt, new parents need to eat and get diapers, but it takes a lot of time and $ to take a sick newborn to an ER where they may be exposed to even worse things, so I figured it was easier to trade off b/w parents than bring a tiny baby anywhere until after they have had their first rounds shots and had chunked up enough that an illness didn’t make them seem so super-vulnerable).

            10. I may be missing the point, but I don’t make my toddler wear a mask at home? I’m about to have a newborn and you kind of just have to accept the risk. We’ll limit outside visitors but we can’t limit our own family.

            11. Sorry all. I reacted to “go back to normal” as a blanket statement, and it doesn’t really appear anyone meant that, just that parents really want kids to be able to learn and socialize more normally without masks. I don’t know if my position on that is very educated, but I agree. And solidarity as a parent in a pandemic who just wants my kid to meet other kids and learn to talk and socialize normally.

            12. Babies develop immunity through a series of small exposures. Keeping them locked away is a terrible strategy

         2. The vaccine no longer provides sufficient protection against long COVID.

            1. This is untrue. Also, recent studies have shown almost 30% of people who think they have long COVID never had COVID in the first place.

            2. “This is untrue. Also, recent studies have shown almost 30% of people who think they have long COVID never had COVID in the first place.”

               Fascinating. And I’m honestly not surprised.

            3. My understanding is that vaccines prevent against long COVID mainly by preventing infection (acc. to CDC). It probably depends what we mean by long COVID (tons of people have long term complications that aren’t the full post-viral syndrome), but a proportion of patients with mild breakthrough infections are experiencing shortness of breath, tachycardia, new allergies, new autoimmune diagnoses or newly refractory autoimmune disease, etc. We really need better data collection on this though!

      3. 100%

         I am pulling my kids from public school if they don’t lift masks soon.

         1. Please do.

         2. Good!

         3. Can I ask why? I have a 4.5 year old and she and all other little kids I know have adapted fine o wearing masks. What concerns do you have?

            1. Sure, they adapt, if that just means they get used to them, but there’s no doubt that it inhibits their talking, their picking up on social cues, etc. Imagine a teacher trying to get a classroom conversation going about something. Wouldn’t it be way easier without masks? I know I talk less in masks because it’s harder to catch your breath, harder for others to hear you, etc, so you just don’t bother. I think classroom participation is really important. Also, as I said below, my daughter’s voice is tiny and cannot be heard well in a mask. I don’t want her to get used to people not hearing her!

      4. Agree completely. I know some people love the excitement of pandemic anxiety and would love to stay here forever, but the rest of us are over it and ready to move on. And let’s face it: by and large, the country has moved on. The vast majority of counties in the U.S. have no mask restrictions, no distancing mandates, large gatherings are allowed, etc. And the country hasn’t fallen apart.

      5. i’m all for getting back to normal. but when you say “it’s time” what is that based on? your own personal opinion? some science? public health measures? i dont want to ever be in a situation again where it is a legitimate concern that if i am in a car accident i can’t get the medical care i need or people’s biopsies or heart surgeries are postponed. what is your plan to prevent that?

         1. “It’s time” means that the person saying it is tired of the slight inconvenience of wearing a mask, and probably that they’ve already had COVID so they think they are immune to future infections. They probably also are one of those people who subscribes to the common American belief that misfortune is caused by lack of virtue, so they think anyone who is unlucky enough to get in a car accident or have a heart attack when hospitals are overwhelmed deserves it, and that it could never happen to them because they are deserving of divine favor. Blech.

            1. Not at all, but thanks for making it clear you have no interest in understanding anyone else’s point of view.

            2. You’re the one making a moral accusation, just FYI. :)

            3. Lol, no. I just can calculate risk and reward.

         2. What is your plan to prevent that? We had a plan to prevent that, which is what we did during the Alpha wave and to an extent, the Delta wave. It didn’t work. Even Fauci has said the prevalence of Omicron and the number of infections means we’re likely at herd immunity, or will be very soon. Isn’t that what we were aiming for – herd immunity? If herd immunity doesn’t end this, then what will?

            I’m honestly so fascinated by this. There seems to be a distinct disconnect between how distancing and masking were supposed to work, and what actually happened, that some people don’t want to acknowledge. I look at the NYT case count map every day and during Omicron, there was no substantive difference in case rates in the states where everything is completely back to normal (which is most of them, at this point) and the cases where they still have mask mandates. Capacity restrictions, gathering limitations, etc. haven’t been a thing in almost every part of the country for awhile and I didn’t see any county or state reinstate those during Omicron, despite how high case counts got.

            I hate to be “this person” but: there are facts, and there are feelings. From jump, many people here have paid way more attention to their feelings about Covid than the facts. You can continue to do that if you like but other folks are moving on. We’ve had this discussion ad nauseum, but the most cautious (fearful) among us aren’t going to get to dictate how the rest of us move forward from this. That’s just life.

            1. There’s a nuance here — cloth masks protect from COVID for about 30 min, surgical for about an hour, N95 for about 25 hours (if worn properly). Now, do mask mandates take that into account? Probs not. But worth injecting some nuance into “masks don’t work.”

            2. We have never had a mask policy designed for airborne transmission since the pandemic began. Droplet theory was always factually wrong, and mitigation measures based on droplet theory were never going to be adequate.

               Everyone is hoping that herd immunity is possible (and doesn’t just fade in weeks or months), that Omicron will be the last wave (and there won’t just be a new variant that does an even better job evading vaccine immunity), and that the breakthrough mortality rate will be just as low when CDC updates the data for December and January as it was last November.

               But the experts who are saying that it’s time to move on are the same ones who said this repeatedly after other waves.

            3. Yeah, remember that part of the pandemic that had doctors and nurses showing us what their faces looked like after a day of wearing an N95 mask? And now you want everyone to wear one. Right. Seems totally healthy for a disease that, if you’re vaccinated, is highly unlikely to be fatal.

            4. i like what the OP posted from an epidemiologist perspective. i’m assuming most of us on this board don’t have degrees in epidemiology or public health? and so i don’t think most of us should be the ones making decisions relating to public health.

            5. Whoa um that jumped the shark. I’m going to back off now.

            6. I mean, I get that she is an epidemiologist and I am not, but I’m sure there is a variety of opinions among those just like there are among the general public. And also, a hammer will always find a nail. Her job is to reduce Covid risk, while mine is to parent my kids in a way that I think balances that risk with other risks and benefits. It’s not like one epidemiologist is the end all be all and we cannot debate or offer contrary opinions, we just have to bow to her. (And for what it’s worth, I have read a lot of her posts throughout the pandemic and have appreciated many of them.)

            7. Actually the “move on, ditch the masks” people are the ones who are driven by feelings, not facts, and trying to dictate others’ lives. Masks actually do reduce the spread of the virus, and the cost of masking during surges is very low. The antimaskers just don’t want to be inconvenienced and want to force everyone else to drop all precautions and expose themselves to the virus during surges. I don’t even know what you can claim to have sacrificed, because all of you have been out living your best lives this whole time anyway. If you are claiming that masking doesn’t work, it’s because it hasn’t been enforced.

            8. The N95s designed for general use in a pandemic are actually a lot more comfortable than the ones healthcare workers were using. There are studies showing that they’re way more protective than other masks even if the fit isn’t 100% perfect.

            9. I will not send my kids to school in an N95 ever. My daughter’s tiny voice can barely be heard as it is. She doesn’t get called on in class becuase nobody can hear her. She doesn’t participate as a result.

            10. Y’all. Not advocating for N95s in schools. Just clarifying that “masks don’t stop the spread of COVID” isn’t exactly true. It’s okay.

            11. Sorry. That last comment was a rude way to clarify what I was trying to say.

            12. “It’s not like one epidemiologist is the end all be all and we cannot debate or offer contrary opinions, we just have to bow to her.”

                Exactly. I am gobsmacked by the folks here who post an opinion by an epidemiologist and then are offended when people offer counter-opinions or different perspectives, speaking from their own lived experience. Epidemiologists are focused on preventing disease. I, as a regular ol’ normal citizen, am focused on living my life, and finding a way for my family to live their lives. Some people seem to think that Once the Epidemiologist Has Spoken, the Debate is Over and – sorry, no it’s not. Living with the pandemic is multifactorial, there are social-relational considerations, economic considerations, child development and educational considerations, etc. etc. I am not going to read one article by an epidemiologist and be like “welp that’s that on that!” and just blindly do what that person says. And I am baffled by the folks here who claim to have advance degrees and big jobs that require complex decisions and good judgement who are advocating for that stance.

            13. We’re Very Covid Cautious and even I can’t get my kid to wear a N95 at school all day. (I don’t mind it for errands though.) but he will wear a KN95 without complaint, and I just had my first experience with a KF94 which was delightful. (So lightweight!) so there’s a big difference between “no mask” and “full hazmat suit”.

         3. To me, it’s time because my second grader has gone without a mask for a total of one semester (his first of kindergarten) and my first grader has never gone without a mask. That’s it. And honestly, kids are not the ones who have filled up hospitals at any stage. If you can’t tell, I don’t care about any other restrictions or modifications – I just want my kids out of masks at school!

            1. I want school to be the last place that masks are eliminated, because I don’t have a real choice about whether to send my child to school.

            2. I agree SO MUCH with you, anon at 10:37. All I care about is not forcing my kids to wear masks at school. That’s it. Kids don’t get terribly ill with the virus, there is no evidence that a cloth mask protects for more than half an hour, the developmental delays we are creating in young kids are disastrous, and for what!? Fearmongering. Stop forcing masks at school!

            3. You can always send your kid with a mask – more power to you!

            4. My kids are older, and while I don’t mind the masks in class so much, I would like them to stop enforcing masks outdoors, during PE, and during lunch. We have a vaccine mandate for eligible kids in our schools, they should get at least some benefit for vaccination.

               While my kids aren’t learning to read or speak clearly at this stage, both of them act really “young” for their age in social settings and I’d like them to get some time reading people’s facial expressions, etc.

   4. Shrug. When my county mandates masks, I wear them. When my county relaxes mask mandates (end of February, unlike the much larger county next door that has already ended most mask mandates), I don’t wear a mask unless the business requests it. It’s really that simple. I’m not a doctor, or in public health, I think the CDC and WHO are laughably incompetent, so I just do what the local officials ask and don’t obsess about it.

5. For several years, I’ve had all my and my husband’s accounts (retirement, 529s, investments, etc) with Fidelity. My employer recently switched their 401k to Vanguard only, so my 401K with them moved over there. Now I can’t see all my accounts together. Is there a way in either Fidelity or Vanguard’s website to pull in outside accounts? How else do others manage accounts at more than one institution?

   1. We use personal capital. I’ve never figured out a way to pull fidelity data into vanguard or vice versa, but personal cap works fine for our needs.

      1. We use this too!

   2. Yes, Fidelity lets me connect all kinds of outside accounts under the Net Worth view. I log in to those accounts directly (not through Fidelity) when I want to take any actions on them, but Fidelity works just for viewing everything in one spot. No idea if Vanguard has a similar option.

      1. It does, the process sounds basically the same to what you mention.

   3. Similar to the comment about Fidelity, Vanguard also lets you “add outside accounts” which are generally auto updated (sometimes the connection breaks or you have re-login but it’s been reasonably consistent for me).

   4. I have most of my accounts at Vanguard and use their Personal Advisor Services. Yes, I can see a view of all my accounts both at Vanguard plus anywhere else, like at my bank and in my former emplyer’s 401k, etc.

6. Re the Canadian truckers — is the protest just for cross-border trucking? Like if you are just a trucker within Canada (or within the US), do you have to be vaccinated? And where 85%ish of Canadians are vaccinated, why are the truckers under so much scrutiny? I am just wondering if this is the sort of fight it never made sense to get into.

   1. As far as I know (Canadian here) they are protesting the mandatory vaccine to cross the US/Can border. I don’t think there is an internal vaccine mandate within Canada for truckers, but also so much of our trade transits through the US. But generally I think this is a vocal minority (a few truckers and a bunch of generally anti-vax and other anti-everything people) who have basically taken our capital city hostage and it’s starting to be a little concerning that no one is doing anything about it.

   2. I just read an NYT article in which the protest comes across as basically an excuse for a group of people who mostly happen to be antivaxxers to exert power over the residents of Ontario.

   3. The protest has very little to with actual truckers – the US requires the truckers to be vaccinated for entry so it would be a pyric victory at best. It is very similar however to what led to Jan 6 in US – alt right nationalism. But, with that said, there are real undercurrents in Canada regarding the level of restrictions imposed two years in without investment in the health care infrastructure. As one of my friends back in Canada put it, our case numbers per capita were just as high as yours (Southern US) but most stuff stayed open for you. A lot of people, even liberal leaning, had trouble with the omicron wave of lock downs and are frustrated that the mental health aspects for the lockdowns aren’t being taken better into account since COVID is never going to be stamped out in Canada. Also, the trucker protest have elements of the friction between the western conservative provinces and Ottawa but that’s a whole essay on canadian federalism.

      1. I learned about this tension in the context of the tar sands in Alberta and the first…was it Lib Dem? … Provincial governor and I was like oh holy crap Canada has the same problems the US does! Kinda. It burst my American idolizing Canada bubble a little.

         1. At Curious – Every country has its problems. What gets idealized most in Canada compared to the US is relatively functioning social safety net – subsidized day care, non-bankruptcy inducing health care, etc. It doesn’t mean that it is perfect or that there aren’t some big dark spots on how non-WASP Canadians were treated. There is the obvious (residential schools) but also you cannot forget how the French were treated pre-1980s or how non-WASP immigrants were settled with really tough land out west and were constantly in conflict with the Indians who had the land taken away from them. Then, layer in the factor in the resource disparities between provinces and you start to get a flavor of how canadian politics at a national level is like a family reunion with a lot of baggage.

            1. This is a helpful way of thinking about it, thank you!

      2. Is it odd that no one in the US is protesting this? In the US, we seem to protest everything under the sun. Maybe it is just too cold (but it must be colder in Canada)? But it’s curious that we don’t seem to care. Could this be that we look to Canada for hockey primarily?

   4. Outsiders (not truckers) -far right crazies – are driving this.

   5. They are protesting the cross-border vaccination mandate (which also applies to US truckers under the DHS order). Vaccine mandates are a human rights abuse where the vaccines do not stop transmission. Even if they did it is stupid because trucking is a solitary activity (that never stopped during the entire pandemic). It should be an individual choice, not one forced upon someone by totalitarian Justin Trudeau. Look into what’s actually happening on social media, rather than the MSM to check it out for yourself.

      1. Vaccine mandates of various kinds have existed for many, many years. They are not human rights abuses.

      2. So if the US walks back its requirement on this, maybe that gives Canada an out to do to the same? I’m just thinking that Trudeau has painted himself into a corner after he called them Nazis (which seems to be sloppy and inflammatory), so he is pretty stuck where he is right now and not winning any friends on his handling of this. US people regard trucking as mainly solitary and needed for supply-chain management, which is not something we want to eff up any more.

         1. Some of the people did carry flags with swastikas on them. What else are we supposed to call them?

            1. Yeah they’re actual Nazis – it isn’t accurate to portray this as a group of concern citizens. it’s white supremacists terrorizing the local population in Ottawa all while backed by American money

      3. Yeah, vaccines to cross international borders have been a thing for a LOOOOONNNNGGGG time. That really doesn’t bother me or come off as a human rights abuse. There are definitely infringements of rights that happened during the pandemic, but that’s not one of them.

         1. True, but do tourists have to be vaccinated? And inter-Canadian truckers? The guys on those crab fishing boats that go into international waters?

            It just seems like a horrific amount of fuss over some largely-solitary workers.

            1. It’s interesting to me that they’re being treated as solitary workers –I seem to remember a case study on the spread of syphilis and how it went along truck routes. By the nature of their jobs, truckers actually touch a lot of communities via rest stops, so they are a different type of disease vector. In that context, solitary doesn’t feel exactly right.

            2. That disease has nothing to do with their on-the-job activities though. Most truckers are not lot-lizard frequenters.

            3. Oh, I didn’t mean to imply that. I apologize. My uncle was a long haul trucker for a while. I take the point about inter Canadian trucking etc, just was thinking in terms of social network math that “I don’t interact much, but when I do, it’s with a new community each time” could be more dangerous for disease spread than “I socialize constantly, but with the same insular group of 30 people who don’t really see others outside the group”. I don’t actually know though! Just found it interesting. Intriguing, perhaps.

            4. Yes, tourists are usually affected by border-crossing vaccine mandates. Most non-citizens are included in the current vaccine mandate to cross the US border, whether they travel for leisure or for business.

            5. Tourists have absolutely had to be vaccinated for various diseases to enter certain countries! Yellow fever for African countries comes to mind.

               Also for the Anon at 9:40 who started this, the COVID vaccines don’t 100% stop transmission but they reduce transmission a ton. It’s wrong and silly to act like there’s no difference between vaccinated and unvaccinated people regarding COVID.

      4. This is one of the most bananagrams posts I’ve seen in 12 years on this website. Wow. Gobsmacked.

         1. We have one OANN friend (or maybe a troll? Maybe sincerely held opinions?). I actually think it may only be one. When it’s truly troll-y I like to picture them with green fuzzy hair and a jewel belly button like the troll dolls I had as a child. This is probably horribly condescending of me.

            1. No, I totally agree. I started typing up all the reasons why their post is wrong and then I was just like…I have better things to do with my time.

      5. I’m chuckling at “human rights abuse.” Clearly someone who has lived such a privileged life to think that qualifies lol. You must not have traveled much pre-covid, vaccine requirements have always been a thing. I had to get a yellow fever vaccine before studying abroad in South America and (horror of horrors!) even care around a little pamphlet with proof of vaccination. I probably should have talked to the indigenous tribes whose lands were being illegally logged and destroyed by big oil and gas companies about this horrible human rights abuse I experienced!

         1. My little pamphlet is falling apart and I always worried I’d be denied at a border. Maybe someday that’ll be a worry again….

         2. Right? I needed proof of yellow fever for travel in Africa before, and some countries still require proof of polio vaccine to enter.

            1. Yep, and my partner had to get a bunch of vaccines (sorry, I didn’t commit the specifics to memory), before traveling to India for a wedding. He didn’t whine about his freedoms being infringed, he didn’t rant about this being a “human rights issue,” he just got the damn shots. It really can be that simple.

      6. “Vaccine mandates are a human rights abuse ”
         “totalitarian Justin Trudeau.”
         “Look into what’s actually happening on social media, rather than the MSM”

         LOL. Actually, LMAO. You’re in the wrong place, sister, this isn’t Newsmax or OANN. Take it somewhere else, please.

         1. isn’t this comment section a kind of social media?

            1. And you think this is a more reliable news source than the actual news??? Wow. WOW. Don’t have a response to that.

            2. Calm down, I did not say that at all. It was more a tounge-in-cheek reply to the poster pointing us away from MSM to social media for the truth.

      7. Go away. I’ve been terrorised by domestic extremists for 2 weeks now. Your conspiracy BS is hurting thousands of Ottawans who have been dealing with disgusting diesel fume air, human sh*t on the streets, and unrelenting honking.

      8. Good luck taking your case to The Hague!

         1. Oh this one made me LOL for real

            1. Hugely same. Thank you for the laugh, Aunt Jamesina.

      9. Ha ha – yeah, social media, the font of facts!

      10. Ha! You are walking around on this earth today thanks in part to the long list of vaccines you got as a child.

   6. The US-Canada border is generally a forgettable joke (or quaint Vermont goes-through-a-town thing). 99% of the time, we don’t treat this as international the way we do going to Russia or Uruguay. I “had” to get a smallpox vaccination once and I’m not sure if it was country-required, recommended, or just parents wanted it. Whatever. But adults don’t generally have vaccine requirements b/w the US and Canada. And in the US, we generally don’t have any vaccine requirements unless we work in health care or are in the military (anthrax vaccine). That is just now how we do things, so I’m not surprised that Americans are all WTF re the situation in Ottawa. I’m current on my Tetanus shot (required for camp, not the government), but otherwise, I couldn’t tell you want I have vs what I ought to have outside of recent ones (COVID and shingles and flu).

      1. I “had” to get smallpox vaccines to attend public school. Who knew that my human rights were being violated? And here I believed that I was participating in a reasonable public health measure resulting in near-eradication of the disease.

      2. You most likely had to have vaccines to go to school, though. If most schools didn’t require MMR (which is generally good for life), yea, you might have a vaccine requirement for work if measles outbreaks were running rampant.

   7. It’s not about the truckers, that’s just a flimsy excuse. The mandate is both ways, Canada and the US both have vaccination requirements, so even if it was changed unvaccinated truckers still couldn’t work. Signed a grumpy Ottawa resident who just wants sleep

7. Teen parents — what do your kids do in the summer? In our city, kids can legally work a bit at 14, but no one seems to hire until 15. Many day camps are for K-5 only. My guess is that b/c liability reasons, kids aren’t even wanted as volunteers except with on-site parents until they are in high school. We are out of the camp loop thanks to COVID and now I am trying to plan our summer (a thing I used to do as an afternoon project with other parents in January) and drawing blanks. Do they stay at home at eat sandwiches and have screen time? Walk around the neighborhood in packs? Where is the teen parent – working parent handbook that I need?

   1. I have a tween and am trying to figure this out, too. I don’t know where you’re at, but there are a number of day camps in my mid-size college town that rely on teen leaders/volunteers in the 13-16 age range. That might be an option. I also know people who have essentially hired a summer nanny to drive the kids to the pool and to friends’ houses, but I’ve never figured out how the math works in their favor. Seems like that would be way pricier than we’re used to paying for camps and stuff.

   2. I know you mean “parents of teens” but I giggled a little – can’t imagine there are *too* many teen parents reading this blog …

   3. Yes, this is a struggle for me, too. I am looking up the camps my kids used to go to to see if they need any youth volunteers. Found one so far. My one sporty kid will do some training camps. Their schools don’t do summer reading lists, but I might dig out some lists from the library and incentivize completion. And ask grandparents to take them on hikes. My main goal is to keep them from staring at screens all day for 2 months. They don’t need constant activity, just some regular commitments to give their days some structure.

      1. One of the hosts from Mom and Dad are Fighting podcast had a really smart summer plan – involved reading, some form of exercise, household chore, and listening to music/watching a classic film etc.

         1. But how do you do this if you’re not home to supervise? I guarantee there would be very lackluster follow-through for my kid. Or he’d be watching The Thundermans for the 8,000th time.

   4. Summer school. In our district, many high school kids choose to knock our required courses over the summer to make space in their schedules for electives, AP and IB courses, and/or study hall. Even if summer school is on line rather than in person, it will occupy your kid for a couple of hours each day. Then they can play video games, read, draw, or walk to the pool with friends.

      Another option is to be a counselor in training at a day camp or sleepaway camp.

   5. As a teen I never went to camps or scheduled activities. I relished the time spent at home doing whatever I pleased (mainly reading). I think kids are way over-scheduled today. But my parents were comfortable leaving me home alone.

      1. Same. A teen during the summer? Tell them not to burn the house down or make more humans. Go on your way. There is something to be said for learning to be independent and not have every moment scheduled.

         1. + 100. Mine are bumming around our local swim & tennis club, the 14 year old will be a mothers helper/babysitter there.

            We do 2 weeks of vacation. Preseason training starts mid august. There’s a week of visiting grandma in Cali somewhere in there. Rest of the time is just bumming around.

         2. Agreed. We all have to learn how to structure our time, handle boredom, and take initiative to figure out what to do with ourselves. College shouldn’t be the first time this is necessary.

            1. I totally agree with you in principle. But reality is that my kids will stare at phones and other screens unless I make them consider other options.

      2. Same. I did go to camps but not for the whole summer, and I went because I wanted to go and not because my mom and dad needed somewhere to put me. My dad did drag me to day camp when I was a kid and childcare was an issue, but for teenagers, they can take care of themselves. Summer jobs are certainly a great way to get some spending money and gain experience working, but where I grew up most summer jobs were filled in February and most stores didn’t want to bother training kids that wouldn’t be available to keep working during the school year.

         I wouldn’t worry about keeping the kids busy, they work hard during the school year and their brains won’t actually rot if they’re given a couple months to rest and relax.

   6. Could they be a counselor in training at a camp? Junior lifeguarding? Or babysit younger neighborhood kids for a few hours a day? Maybe 2 hours before camp in the morning and 2 hours after camp in the afternoon? That way they have plenty of downtime but are kept busy a few hours a day? Gives them some responsibility, some spending money, a reason to get up and moving at a reasonable time and some structure/activity?

   7. i used to do a mix of volunteering and absurdly expensive summer programs (yes, i am grateful that my parents could afford to provide me with those opportunities). my parents did not believe in sitting around doing nothing, so i was not allowed to have more than a week or two of sitting around doing nothing. there was one summer when i volunteered at a half day summer camp that was walking distance from my house, and my parents were concerned about what i would do the rest of the day.

   8. Sleepaway camp?

   9. I tell people that my 13 year old is in a biker gang during the summer. He and a rotating group of about 25 boys in his grade meet up every day. He usually lounges around in the morning at home. Then this “gang” meets up for lunch (think pizzeria, local deli, etc) then they bike around town to various parks/sports fields. Someone always has a basketball or football to toss around. They all make their way home in the late afternoon because inevitably there will be a formal sportsball practice that the major of them have to attend.

      This schedule works for us; might not work for a lot of folks. I work in person, in a town 2 miles away from where we live. There’s also a huge network of parents we have built. So he can stop in on practically any block in town to use a bathroom or find a WFH/SAH parent to fix a bike chain that broke (if he can’t).

      1. I desperately wish my kid had this network. :(

      2. This reminds me of how I grew up in the early 90s in the suburbs. I was out all day on my bike. Except I was alone because I didn’t have many friends lol so I would just wander the neighborhood, go to the corner store for candy, go to the pool, or the local tiny movie theatre. It was pure bliss.

         1. That sounds great.

   10. My kids never found any work or volunteer activity that would take them under age 14, and after age 16 when they were eligible, it was hard to find employment (immediately pre pandemic.). My daughter actually got hired at a boutique and then they called her the morning of her first shift to tell her not to come in, that they’d decided they didn’t need another person after all.

       So my daughter mostly babysat, and my son never had work because no one wants to hire a male babysitter, sadly. They’re both in college now. My daughter is working as a part time nanny. My son doesn’t work because 90 + % of student jobs on campus are work study (financial aid), which he doesn’t qualify for.

   11. I don’t have kids, but as a tween I mostly wandered the town in a pack. Sometimes we went to the pool. Sometimes we went to someone’s house. Sometimes we went to the skate park. And occasionally we had money and shopped and ate lunch out. I am sure I watched TV some days. We were capable of preparing lunch for ourselves because we had parents who had done their jobs. I also babysat other people’s children for money, participated on a swim team and track team, and went to sleep-away camps a couple of weeks. It was glorious and I wish every town were as walkable and provided this kind of autonomy for both kids and parents.

   12. My teen son was a counselor-in-training last year at the summer camp he went to as a camper. This year he’s going back as a paid counselor.

       Had summer camps happened in 2020, we would have been in an interesting situation as he had aged out of being a camper at that camp, but was too young to be a CIT. I was scouting around for camps that took 13-year-olds and I found a couple, but it wasn’t easy (and the camps weren’t cheap). They were also not all-summer-long camps, he would have had some free weeks at the beginning and end of the summer. I would say, if you haven’t found an option yet, keep looking and look at YMCA, city community center, and other places that may have flown under your radar before now.

   13. My oldest daughter worked at her dance studio that put on little day camps for the younger kids, then she would stay for her lessons in the evening. My two younger kids are now tweens and I think this summer they will mostly just be home. I work from home for the most part, so we will probably take lunch break trips to the pool. Otherwise, they will have to do some chores, some reading, and some form of exercise every day (this is how we structured our days early in the pandemic when school was cancelled with no real virtual learning in place yet.) I’m sure this will also involve a lot of screen time, but I’m not overly worried about it. I will do my best to make sure we get outside everyday and spend weekends camping and hiking so hopefully it will be ok.

       1. Our dance studio hired kids starting at 12 (I think technically it’s a class? Or somehow it’s totally completely legal) as assistants for dance camps.

          We hire a neighbor (she’s 15 now but we’ve been using her for years) to come
          Play with our kids sometimes. She has random sports stuff and vacations the rest of the summer.

          My kids (8, 10) have camp and the. Hang out at our neighborhood pool/tennis club where you don’t need supervision if you are 11 (there are adult staff and lifeguards and they have lessons etc). We pay a 14 year old to be their technical supervisor. 90% of the time she sits with the other 14 year old girls hired to do the same thing while the kids all play. My girls have a blast.

   14. You don’t, just like I am assuming you don’t supervise your teenager doing every piece of homework or brushing their teeth. They have to learn to schedule their own time and be responsible before they leave the house.

       1. Thanks, as always, for providing input from the contingent that doesn’t actually have to deal with or solve the problem! Solid contribution, great job.

   15. Summer school (college classes, online classes, or classes in something more fun than regular school), sports practice, babysitting, tutoring, dog walking and pet sitting, mowing the lawn, lifeguarding, retail, or food service. The YMCA has a counselor in training program that accepts 14 year olds where I live.

8. I am a biglaw (secondary market) senior associate at a firm with a short partnership track. Some stars make it and go straight through to equity, but most do not and are income partners for a couple of years. I am eligible for consideration starting next year. I have the chance to sit down with my mentor who is a decision/rainmaker and ask him questions about anything I want to know about the partnership process. For those of you who are on the other side, what questions would you want to ask? I have the basics covered (process, expectations, etc.), but I do not know what I do not know.

   I appreciate any insight and suggestions!

   1. Do you get a W-2 or K-1? How often do partners get paid? Monthly? Small monthly draws with a tax payment distribution (if K-1) and true-up eventually (this can be very hard to live on, especially if you also have to borrow to fund a buy-in). What about benefits? Family insurance benefits at my firm are something like 2K/month. There can be lots of surprises. I’m not sure the $ is better at least 5 years in b/c now I’m paying my own taxes and benefits are much more costly. Also, do you have any foreign tax obligations or tax obligations in other states?

      1. These are the big ones. I’m a K-1 partner who is going in-house at a lower salary than the income I’ve made the last two years, but it will actually be a net increase because I won’t have to pay self employment tax or buy my own insurance. Also, ask how disassociation works in case you ever decide to leave. How much notice do you have to give if you are going to withdraw from equity partnership? What payments will you be entitled to receive if you withdraw?

   2. Income partner can be better – find out about buy-in requirements for equity and when partnership income is distributed. Personally, unless you’re set on staying at a firm your whole career, I’d take the higher income partner salary and retain exit flexibility.

      1. I get my capital back right away if I die or go in house or retire or go back to being an income partner or of counsel. But not if I switch firms (then it is paid out over some period of years). That assumes that the firm is still solvent and able to do that (see, contra, Dewey, McKee Nelson, Arthur Andersen, etc.).

   3. Ask him if there is anything that gives him pause or concern right now about your prospects of making it next year.

      1. +1 I would make this a conversation about your odds of making it, and at which tier. and if there is anything you can do in the next year to maximize your chances. Not a conversation about the logistics of being a partner.

   4. I echo what others have said. If you are going to be an income partner, are you salaried / W-2? Do you pay taxes in all jurisdictions? Do you handle health insurance? How are bonus determinations made? What criteria change when evaluating an income partner promoted to equity partnership? How are originations credited? Who makes the ultimate call to promote me?

      If possible, I’d find someone at your Firm that you trust that is junior in partnership. Pick their brain. My guess is this person is far far removed from those days.

   5. At a very basic level I would want to know the process for making partner, it varies so much among firms. What kinds of things do they look at and who are the decision makers? Do I get input in the process? Are there meetings or speeches or a memo? Are there people I should try to work with and how should I approach them? What does your book need to be in order to be eligible for equity? At what level does it make economic sense to be equity (not necessarily the same answer as #1).

      The financial stuff is kind of out of your hands but it might be good to know. What happens if your book isn’t consistent month over month or year over year (if this is a concern for you) – is the equity set up that you get a direct percentage or do you get allocated partnership points based on your book, so your income is a bit more stable over time? How are points decided? How often are they revisited?

9. Has anyone done a kid < 18 passport renewal (where you need an in-person appointment) recently? I have the non-smiling ear-showing pictures but am just wondering how long it is taking? The first step is getting someone to actually answer the phone and then (prior time) not having weather close it on the Saturday we make the both-parent appointment for.

   1. I did it recently, I’m not sure what you are calling for? We made the renewal appointment online. I don’t know how old your kid is but we just decided to take one for the team in order to grab the first available appointment, so we pulled him from a morning of school for a 9 am appointment and we all just went in late to school/work that day. It was basically normal other than we brought the photos in rather than taking them there, and he had to pull down his mask to confirm the photo was him. We received it within the stated time frame, which I think used to be longer but is largely back to normal now.

   2. Make the appointment online.

   3. You can’t make an appointment online right now at the passport agencies. If you are going to an acceptance facility, appointment process may vary. If the other parent can’t make the appointment for any reason, the non-applying parent can provide notarized consent.

   4. We just had an appointment last Saturday and it could not have been easier. Made the appointment online, about a month in advance. Just read the instructions carefully and make sure you have originals and copies of all the documentation you need. The agents who process these are pros and will have you in and out as long as you do what you need to on the front end.

   5. Yes, it was easy. We just made an appointment online at our local post office and gave them all the paperwork, including photos. It took about 15 mins.

      1. Oh I just realized you probably meant time to get the passport not time at the appointment. We paid for expedited and it was insanely fast – we got it 6 business days after the appointment.

   6. I’m assuming you mean US passport. We did that earlier this year for my 5yr old. Made an appointment online with the local post office first thing in the morning. We got the passport quicker than expected, I think after 2 weeks?

      1. same

   7. We got a new passport for my 3 year old. Appointment at the local post office was January 15 and we received it over a week ago. We paid for expedited and got it way sooner than anticipated.

10. I’m looking for feedback on the JCrew Eloise sweater blazer, which is a newer style. It is described as dry cleaning only, which I try to avoid. Anyone successfully hand wash this blazer? Also, I’d appreciate comments about fit.

    1. I had a different J Crew sweater blazer and completely ruined the shape of it when I machine washed on gentle and laid flat to dry.

    2. Would you consider the J Crew Factory Schoolboy sweater blazer, which is 100% cotton and very similar? My factory sweater blazers are a couple years old but I machine wash and dry them.

       For the one you pictured, I think you should be fine machine washing on COLD (be sure both wash and rise are cold since there is wool in the blend) and lay flat to dry. You may need to steam it and reshape shoulder pads (if there are any). In general I think almost anything can be machine washed if you keep temperature cold and if it doesn’t have any interfacing/lining/hidden internal components that may not be colorfast or able to get wet. (E.g. don’t wash structured blazers or overcoats).

11. Any suggestions for affordable and romantic places within a few hours of NYC? BF and I are looking for somewhere to get out of the city during spring break, but, as grad students, don’t have a ton of money. Open to driving/buses/trains but not flights

    1. Poconos seems like the classic pick here. Like a AirBNB vs the motels with the heart-shaped tubs.

       1. +1 for the Poconos. I’d find one of the older resorts and fully embrace the kitsch. Round bed? Check! Mirrored ceiling? Check! Champagne glass hot tub? Check!

    2. Finger Lakes? There are affordable places to stay there and I think it’s a fun couples’ trip.

       1. Yes, Ithaca is very easy to get to from NYC and sounds perfect for this.

    3. Affordable is tough anywhere close to NYC, but given that spring break is pretty off-season in the area, you might see if you can find relative bargains in New Hope/Lambertville, Cape May, Frenchtown, NJ, the North Fork of LI (Greenport), or even in the Hamptons.

    4. I’m going to stay in a cute bed and breakfast near Watkins Glen in May. About a 4 hour drive from NYC.

12. Petty complaint of the day: my new job involves a lot of interaction with a branch in Pittsburgh, and these people need to remember that “to be” exists. “This needs looked at” makes me want to claw my eyes out.

    I know, petty!

    1. Every time my husband tells me “that needs fixed” I grit my teeth.

       Case study in language acquisition: My MIL is originally from Western PA and uses “this needs looked at”; my FIL is originally from Central PA and does not. My husband picked up “this needs fixed” from MIL. His younger siblings followed FIL down the “the dishes need to be washed” brick road. The battle of the soul of Pennsylvania, or something.

       1. Having gone to college in central PA I’m in 100% agreement. The Pittsburgh kids always said “it needs done.”

       2. I worked with someone in central IL who did that, and I thought it was charming, so picked up the habit on-and-off myself. It was a sweet older lady who also put the “r” in washing, so maybe that’s why it wasn’t so obnoxious for me.

    2. Aww, I used to date a guy from Pittsburgh and this Pittsburghism always used to make me smile. I like regional language quirks in general, but that’s one of my favorites!

       1. Agreed! I went to college in Pittsburgh and love all the quirks of Pittsburghese.

       2. I am not originally from PA but now live in central PA and have unintentionally adopted this. I love it too – sorrynotsorry.

    3. Ooh yeah that grates on me too. Also, misuse of “to include”.

       1. I think the “to include” thing is military speak. I recently started working at an agency with a lot of military/ex-military and it’s like the word “including” doesn’t exist here. Everywhere you would use “including” they use “to include.” It’s weird!

    4. That is definitely a common phraseology in western PA.

    5. Northern Ohio, too! My aunt’s dishes need washed and her floor needs swept so she’s got to get off the phone :).

    6. My MIL (among many grating phrases) says “Fixing dinner”, and “I need to go potty” (this one I think is just…odd), and “I’m going to get me a drink”. I think in her case she just has challenges with grammar.

       1. None of these sound odd to me at all. Is she Southern? I feel like I hear these (and say them) all the time!

          1. Yeah I wonder if the MIL is southern too, because except for “go potty” (for anyone who is in fact potty trained, otherwise noooooo), these are in wide usage and used at all socioeconomic levels in my midsouth state. I’d add to the list “fixing to”, as in “I’m fixing to go to the store, you need anything?” or “I fixing to do that next”.

          2. Same here as another Southerner. “This needs looked at” and “that needs fixed” also don’t sound strange to me. So I guess Southerners also drop to be? It never occurred to me until this post. Now, if we want to talk about yinz as a western Pennsylvania identifier, that I can agree with.

             1. Same. Raised in the South and now in the Midwest and these don’t sound odd or off to me. I am guilty of using pretty much all of these.

                “I am fixing to do something” is pretty common. We also “cut on” and “cut off” the lights”.

       2. I need to get me a drink.

          In Spanish, don’t you show the object of action a lot? Like “de me una bebida a mi”? Or maybe I am misremembering? I so “learned” this in class vs using it IRL.

          1. It is 10:36 and I need to get me a drink for sure.

             1. This got a giggle.

          2. No, you’d say “dame la bebida.” You’d only potentially add “a mi” if you were really emphasizing “to me.” The “me” in “dame” already indicates “to me.”

       3. I don’t think any of these are weird things to say! The potty thing just sounds like she’s had kids. :)

          1. Yeah, I embarrassingly said “potty” in a work call a few weeks ago, because it’s the word I use with my 3 year old.

       4. What is grammatically challenged about saying that you’re fixing dinner? That’s just a secondary usage of the verb “to fix,” not a grammar issue.

          1. What if you’re “fixing to fix” dinner? :)

             1. Oh, if I’m fixing to fix dinner, I need to get me a glass of wine first.

             2. And go potty, just to be on the safe side.

       5. Adults speaking of “pottying” themselves feels childish.
          I’m in the South. I lot of people will say “I’m going to fix me a plate” or “can I fix you a plate.” I think it sounds uneducated. But we all say “fix breakfast, fix lunch, and fix dinner.”

          1. Whenever someone fixes me a plate, it is always something extra delicious. I love me a fixed plate!

             1. LOL this is so true! My grandmother was probably the last person in my (southern) family to “fix me a plate” and dang if her fixed plates were not the best.

             2. The best person to fix you a plate is Grandma, the second best person is your auntie. You know there gonna load up that plate with the good stuff.

          2. I feel like “I’m going to fix me a plate” or “I’m going to get me a drink” is meant to show emphasis on something I’m really ready for. Like if I really need a drink, I’m going to go get me a drink. If I’m really excited about that Thanksgiving dinner, I’m going to go fix me a plate. I wouldn’t write it out or anything, but in conversation, I feel like that’s the message it’s meant to convey.

       6. Ok, I’m southern, but I have no idea what’s wrong with any of this other than the use of a juvenile word (potty).

          Do you think she should say she is cooking dinner? Preparing dinner? And the person who said “fix” sounds uneducated— why? I am genuinely curious because “to prepare” is a definition for “fix.”

       7. I think you just find your MIL grating because those phrases aren’t.

       8. Lifelong Michigander and nearly all of the phrases in this thread are in widespread use here, with the exception of “fixin’ to” whatever. I have only heard that one used unironically by my Southern friends.

    7. I’m originally from Western Pa. and now live elsewhere in Pa. It just doesn’t sound wrong to my ear. I haven’t lived in Western Pa. in almost 20 years, but still struggle with it. If I had stayed in Western Pa. I doubt I would even know that something was wrong.

    8. Oh this is super common in Edinburgh! It definitely took me a year or two living here to get used to, another year or two to stop ‘noticing’, and then not long after that I started using that construction myself!

       1. Apart from the “potty” example (which is just really odd/uncomfortable), it’s all totally standard in Scotland. And I’d think I the UK in general.

13. What are you all doing to guard against inflation? limit spending? investing more?

    1. Making an appointment with a fee-only financial advisor.

    2. Nothing. I’m already frugal, but if I need something, I need it, so I’ll buy it anyway.

       1. Just to give an example, the thing I buy regularly that has increased in price most is wet cat food, which has doubled over the last year or so, and is frequently impossible to find for months on end. But I buy it anyway, because it’s one of two things my cat eats and substitutes make him vomit. I don’t eat meat myself, so food price increases have been much less noticeable. I can’t think of anything else I buy regularly that seems wildly more expensive, just cars, gas and rent/housing prices, and my decision to buy those is dependent on a bunch of other things more than inflation.

    3. Just living my normal, fairly frugal life. I’ve got 99 problems and this ain’t one. We’re not in Weimar Germany.

       1. Oh man, my Weimar German History class was the highlight of my education lol. Thanks for that throwback. We could use some awesome art movements though… instead of instagram ads & tick tocks haha.

       2. We kind of are in Weimar Germany (in the US at least!).

    4. With high inflation, don’t you spend on needed items now vs later? Like the hoarding of staples continues to be rational. I guess also: no reason to prepay debts like a mortgage — it will just be worth less next year.

    5. We live below our means already so it’s not a huge concern for us.

       I know this will horrify our resident Fox News devotees, but inflation isn’t all bad, especially because this current inflationary state is tied back to increasing wages. Wages had been too low and stagnant for too long. Either wages had to go up, or there was going to be a very troublesome “worker revolution” that was going to involve more than people quitting their jobs and posting their resignation texts on Instagram. Conservatives have done an excellent job of convincing everyone that inflation is the ultimate boogeyman and something to be avoided at all costs, but actually what’s abnormal is trying to restrict wage growth so severely over so long of a period.

       Side note, it’s too bad corporations couldn’t just do the right thing and pay workers more of their own accord, even if it would reduce ginormous corporate profits and executive bonuses.

       1. Higher wages are nice, but only if they bring more purchasing power. The problem for me is that my husband and I don’t get cost-of-living increases, only “merit increases” that in the past have barely kept pace with inflation and will definitely be overtaken by inflation this year. Our real wages will decline.

          1. I’m sure you know this, but for salaried professionals, our only way to experience meaningful wage growth will be to change jobs, or negotiate for a higher raise than the standard 3% merit. Also just going to say that now exempt workers are getting to experience some of what hourly workers have been feeling for years, and even as an exempt worker myself, I don’t feel too sorry for us.

          2. Yeah, this isn’t about you (or any of us on this board). This is about the millions of Americans living on $7.25/hour that our dysfunctional Congress cannot see to peg to CPI so that we don’t end up in ridiculous situations like this one.

          3. +1

             Just left my county agency job because we got 3% “raises” once every 5-7 years and it was untenable. We were also required to live in the county, where cost of living was skyrocketing due to the nearby city becoming a popular place to move to.

       2. +1. Thank you.

       3. yes, catching up (a little, not fully) on wage stagnation, plus catching up on pandemic-postponed spending against still persisting supply chain issues sounds like a temporary inflation high.

    6. I wouldn’t say we are “hoarding”, but we are buying stuff we know we want/need in the next six months now – like, we are stockpiling supplies for upcoming outside work now instead of trying to find it later when prices are high. We are keeping our chest freezer full and focusing on rotation. Buying airline tickets now for planned travel (especially flexible ones). Even buying services now versus later – we had $$$ tree pruning done now despite 2 feet of snow on the ground. I know it will be more in a few months…

    7. I am appreciating buying meat from my local farms – it used to feel like such a splurge but their prices have not increased at anything like the rate that grocery stores have. It’s still more expensive than the grocery store, but this is a great time to support local agriculture!

       Other than that, I’m making sure to maintain my car well so that I don’t have to buy a new one until prices normalize. Otherwise I’m not worrying about it. I trust that this is a temporary reaction to an abnormal situation, and it will normalize relatively soon.

       1. +1 to buying more local meat and dairy.

    8. My student loan interest rate is inflation-linked (U.K. student loan – Very different to US loans) so I’m trying to pay it down as aggressively as I reasonably can in the first part of this year before this April’s inflation rate is reflected in the interest rate.

       1. Interesting! I didn’t know U.K. student loans were like that.

    9. You don’t limit spending to prepare for inflation, you make sure you have everything that you need for a while. I am prepaying for a lot of things these days: a six month CSA subscription, the full winter’s fuel costs upfront in September, the extra warranty for fully paid-up car maintenance through the dealership at the time of the car purchase.

       And then I try to keep as much of my spending local with small businesses as I can, because I want them to survive this. Manufacturing and vendor costs at my company are up 25-30% over the past year, so this 7% consumer inflation is just getting started.

       1. One thing I can recommend, if people have a Costco near them, a freezer, and cabinet/cupboard storage space, is a Costco membership. Buying meat, especially, and freezing it, and stocking up on things we know we’ll use (vitamin, OTC meds, some food items, etc.) is helping a lot as prices rise.

    10. I am rich by most standards so nothing. I am not going to run out of money for what I need.

    11. Nothing other than hopefully curbing discretionary consumption and giving more to community organizations directly affected, such as the kids’ schools, food banks, and animal shelters. Things cost what they cost and my family is fortunate to have money for the things we truly need.

14. I posted a long thing that go deleted. Hopefully this isn’t a double post.

    I loved my job and my life in March of 2020. Since then I’ve tried everything to get back on track- including having a baby. But it’s just a mess-I’m in therapy. My job went from being about 70% court appearances to 100% wfh. My performance is abysmal and Im close to a pip.

    I’m making so many terrible mistakes that I told my therapist i feared it could be early dementia -she said it was probably burn out. But I’m not overworked, I’m just miserable. She’s says it happens from just disliking your work. How do you fix this? * I’m only working 9-5 and I do take time off- I took four months off for maternity which was also a slog and I’m still awful at everything.

    *ive spend months evaluating my job/industry and prospects. There’s just not a great option for me to change jobs or industries without very significant paycut plus they’d required the “a” game me that I can no longer access. My lawyer husband is in agreement my therapist says it’s not in my head. My husband says I can quit but the thought of being a stay at home parent is not appealing. Both of my maternity leaves were just one run-on day of dirty diapers and laundry and not sleeping or showering.

    1. Can you go on FMLA?

    2. Are you taking anti depressants?

    3. This is textbook depression. Try medication.

       1. +1

    4. You had a baby to “get on track”? That’s a really messed up reason to make a person. Go to therapy more often or change providers.

       1. I don’t think she needs this comment at this stage in her life.

          If it is at all possible for you to take any quantity of time off from your job while maintaining full time child care, please do it and do it immediately. I’ve posted before about using FMLA to take 3 months away from a job that was eating my soul. I couldn’t sleep, I barely functioned at work, and I cried several times per week at home and at work. For the first month, I decompressed. After that, I job searched until I found a job that I actually wanted, and that job turned out to be the right one for me. I didn’t have kids so it was easier to decompress for a month than it would be for you.

          If you cannot take time off from your job, can you outsource anything in your life to free up any amount of time for you to spend on yourself? Or can your husband do more of the child care?

          I know that taking any step forward sounds overwhelming right now; it feels like so much work. So if you cannot take a huge step like taking a real leave from your job, I encourage you to make one small step for yourself this week. And then another one. And another one. This isn’t going to be easy. But it will be worth it. Internet hugs to you. Please check back in with us soon.

    5. taking four months off for maternity leave is not taking time off! you describe your maternity leave in one of your earlier sentences as “time off” and then end by saying it involved not sleeping or showering – how is that actual time off? i agree with trying medication, but maybe also taking actual time off? it sounds like you don’t love wfh – is there anything you can do to shake up your day? volunteer in-person, get outside and exercise, etc.?

    6. Omg quit your job.

       1. +1 quit, get well, then find a new job.

    7. Could you afford to keep your child in daycare or preschool and take a leave of absence/quit? That’s a very different kind of SAHMing than being solely responsible for a newborn all day.

       I’m in a similar boat with my job. 9-5, plenty of vacation and sick leave, so I “shouldn’t: be burned out but I am. I think I just haven’t recovered from working without any childcare for five months in 2020. I don’t know how to make myself focus on work, and it’s a good week if I do 10 hours of actual work.

       1. Thanks! Yes..in theory we can keep my daughter in daycare. In practice, she’s rarely there at all. Covid protocol means she’s sent home for three days with a mandatory doctors visit each time she sniffles.

          I spent this morning on the phone with the doctor and the daycare hoping we can send her for even a few hours but they won’t call back. Over Christmas I took an entire week off to decompress but they closed the entire infant room for the 14 days and she was exposed so we had to quarantine. This is how I burn through time off. I know other parents struggle but I don’t think their performance suffers like this. I feel like if I set up time off I’ll probably spend most of it at home watching her anyway then return as unhappy as I was the last time.

          1. I would be skeptical of your feelings right now because depression lies — it makes all respites seem inaccessible or futile. It’s possible that taking time off and keeping childcare won’t give you as much of a break as it would have outside of the pandemic (and your situation sounds impossible BTW. One friend just quit to be a SAHD for similar daycare nonsense), but I bet even two days off with kiddo away could help you reset a little. But also — meds are great and can get your head above water so you have the air you need to make bigger changes.

    8. I totally get it – could you be depressed or even just sleep deprived? Can you take a personal leave for a couple months, keep your childcare, and sleep?

       1. Or the sleep deprivation is causing your depression. That’s the way it happened with me. When I started an antidepressant it felt like my brain turned back on. Please take medical leave and get the sleep deprivation / depression equation worked out. There will be brighter days ahead very soon.

    9. Have you been screened for PPD? Wishing you the best in figuring it out, and the best thing for you and your family.

    10. Re your fear of early dementia, I have had a neurologist tell me before that depression can impact memory. Depression meds?

    11. Others have hit on some of my points, but I would say that it’s not dementia, it’s stress-induced/PPD created brain fog. It’s good that you’re seeing a therapist and I agree that a job hunt would be one of the worst things, but staying home/SAHM would be worse. You need a reset and maternity leave did not do it.

        I was talking to a NY therapist yesterday and she says that the majority of the population is depressed and I agree with that. The last two years have been like living through a war, especially if you’re in a city with high death rates. You aren’t alone and you will get through this.

        I would suggest:

        Take FMLA or leave for a set time period – 2, 3, 4 months whatever you can manage. Get MD to write you off work. Do not quit.
        Keep kids in daycare – even if it means cutting back elsewhere.
        Have a full physical – thyroid, Vitamin B, Vitamin D levels, anemia.
        Set a daily/weekly plan so you don’t go days without washing your hair/showering. But don’t set goals like organizing your whole house such that if you don’t meet the goal, you’ll feel bad.

        Discuss this with your therapist – you’re trying to decompress and change the way your brain is reacting to the stress.

        Plan your days generally, not strictly but so that each day doesn’t run into the other. Maybe it’s an exercise class daily or a daily long walk/hike. Practice yoga daily at 11 if you like structure. Go to a coffee shop (if you are ok with the covid risk) and journal for one-two hours daily. Get daily sunshine if the sun is visible. Eat good, healthy food but treat yourself to a daily cookie or cupcake. Have massages or go to a spa for a facial and pedicure weekly.

        If you have a hobby that is low-stress that you like, do that. Take photographs, get yarn for knitting, find a novel that you want to read. Don’t duplicate working-at-home processes if you can help it – don’t sit in your home office, instead use the kitchen or living room.

        Maybe meet your husband or friends for coffee during the day – plan one a week or two. It’s hard with covid – maybe sitting outside or walking with friends will help. If you can’t meet up, schedule time to talk to friends, sisters, family on the phone/zoom. On weekends, do fun family things and maybe a date night if that would make you and your husband happy.

        I hope this helps. Good luck

        1. Not OP, but I agree it’s brain fog. I have similar issues, and when I hear people talk about Covid brain fog it sounds like exactly what’s happening to me (even though I never had the virus to my knowledge).

        2. I just saw your reply about burning through leave because of day-care closures. Maybe hiring a nanny would be the way to go, both during your FMLA leave and when you go back? This would solve the daycare closure problem while on leave, give you flexibility and ability to nap and when you do go back to work you’ll be able to work more effectively from home if needed.

           1. The idea of someone else watching me go for walks and coffee while they care for my baby is as if I’m working is upsetting.

              1. As Curious said above, depression lies. I think you may find the thought of this a lot more bearable if you Medicare your depression.
                 This is normal life for a SAHM with school age children (and I’m including preschool in that). It’s nothing to feel guilty about if your spouse is supportive and your family can afford it.

              2. Medicate! Not Medicare lol

              3. Nanny share located in another home? (I agree this is awkward and only the fact that I can say to myself #cancer saves me from feeling the same about not working while our part time nanny watches our child.)

        3. Coach Laura — what a beautiful reply.

    12. Could you have adhd? My (then-undiagnosed) adhd spiraled my life out of control when i went 100% remote and i thought it was horrible depression. a lot of that has cleared for me now that i am on adhd medication. the depression is still there a bit but the medication has helped.

15. I need a new electric stove/oven/range and have never shopped for an appliance before except for a microwave in college. I would love recommendations, things to look for, brands to avoid, etc. I am not a big cook, so I do not need something fancy and I have maybe $1200 to spend. Thanks!

    1. Right now, appliances are in short enough supply that you’ll do best to get the first one that’s in your price range, the color you want/need, will fit in the space and and can get to you in a reasonable amount of time.

       1. +1. You’ll find love/horror stories about brands to get/avoid about all of them. If you want it in any kind of reasonable time, your first question in any appliance store should be “What’s available?”

       2. I agree with this. That said, I have always been happy with GE appliances.

    2. Start with consumer reports – you likely have access through your local library if you don’t want a subscription. They always do a good overview of key features and do a good job of incorporating repair frequency. Once you have a few models in mind that will fit your space, start looking online and calling local appliance dealers to see what they have in stock.

    3. You might consider buying a gently used oven since you’re not much of a cook. Upside – besides availability – is that there are plenty of reviews to see how it’s done in the real world. (And it’s good for the environment!)

    4. Honestly, if you aren’t much of a cook and just need a functioning stove, this probably isn’t a place to waste a bunch of decision making energy. Go to a store, find out what they have in stock within your price range, appreciate the fact that your options have already been narrowed down for you, pick one and move on with your life!

16. Help me solve a minor health mystery? I spend 3 nights a week away, staying in the same place (subletted room in an apartment) and wake up feeling fine, but when I am home, I often feel my throat kind of get phlegmy during the night and wake up with a sore throat and a stuffy nose.
    It happens at night, so it’s got to be something in my bedroom, right?
    Apartment has old mattress, old carpet, quite poor insulation and gets a bit dusty as it isn’t used as frequently.
    My home has 6-year-old mattress, newish pillows, bedding is are changed weekly, vacuuming and dusting done weekly, typically before I get home, newish carpet, no outdoor shoes etc are worn inside. There is a weird en suite shower so maybe some sort of mildew, but I’m not convinced it didn’t happen before we moved? Which would suggest its related to the bed? Maybe the tatami mats under the mattress?

    1. Is it humidity? I wake up pleghmy under 45% humidity, fine above it. Maybe Ireland is slightly warmer and has more moisture in the air?

       1. They should be about the same (miserable, grey, wet), but perhaps our house is better insulated and therefore drier?

          1. Hahaha solidarity from miserable gray wet Seattle. It’s actually shocking how a 10 degree difference in temp changes humidity here, but I think that might not be true for you.

          2. I would try a humidifier and see if it helped. It did wonders for my sleep and how I woke up personally.

          3. Oh and I missed the point about insulation. Yes, maybe!

    2. Do you use different soap at home? A lot of people have mild allergies to some essential oils or fragrances.

       1. Hmm….I don’t buy the same soap every time, but maybe there is a common ingredient in the hippy soaps I buy?

    3. Tatami mats mold easily so definitely do not put under the mattress. We looked into getting them but decided against it because it requires a lot more care than I have time for…

       I would get an air purifier with a HEPA filter first and a humidifier if your home is dry.

       Good luck! (From a fellow congested/phlegmy person).

    4. You are in the UK, right? My husband and I occasionally have the same in our London home. I always assumed it was heating-related, as it generally happens in winter, when the air is dry indoors. Following with interest. We have a Victorian house with some damp on the walls, original floorboards and a not very diligent cleaner, so quite dusty.

       1. Yep, in Scotland. Our radiator in the bedroom is down low and off overnight.

    5. Dust mites? I was waking up with a stuffy nose and ended up doing a deep clean of our bedding, adding dust mite protectors on our pillows, and deep cleaning the carpet. It helped!

    6. for me this is food sensitivities or dust. I would try taking a Claritin before bed when at home to see if you still wake up with issues. If not, you know it’s probably an allergy and then can pursue your mildew/dust/etc theories.

    7. I had issues like this in two newish houses and could never figure out what the issue was, but always wondered whether it could have been off gassing from paint or carpet or even the drywall or something. I’m in a older house now, with the same mattress, and it’s much better (also in another state, so the climate might help). Whatever it was, I got some relief from running an air purifier at night, but it didn’t totally solve the problem, moving did.

    8. The BlueAir filters have been life-changing for the allergy sufferers in my house.

    9. This just sounds like classic allergies to me. Take medication before going to bed.

       1. +1

    10. I have the same issue and it seems to happen in most places I stay, so I dont think it’s a specific mattress issue. Also kept happening despite getting new pillows. It’s always worst at night for me. I was diagnosed with unspecified allergic rhinitis. Cetirizine (Zyrtec) and an allergy nasal spray every day help a lot. I also will often do a nasal spray before I go to sleep. I would guess a combination of dust under the bed where it doesnt get vacuumed as well / trapped inside the pillows and duvet, and mold (especially now that I’ve moved to England where it’s constantly damp).

    11. Mold allergy?

    12. Mold mold mold mold mold mold

        Don’t just mask your symptoms with antihistamines. Find the mold. Look at the walls behind your heavy furniture. Pull up the rug.

        1. For Cb, living in the UK, mold is unfortunately an inevitability. There isn’t much that can be done except spraying when you see it, but often you can’t :(

    13. Mold or something to do with washing your sheets is most likely.
        Mold is the most serious.

        Washing in this case includes mold from air drying, detergent, perfume, dryer sheets and fabric softener, anything used to wash or dry.

    14. This sounds like mold, which is more of a problem in newer construction BECAUSE everything is so much more airtight!

    15. When we moved into our house I started waking up utterly stuffed up nose, eyes, throat – it was my body reacting to the extreme dryness in a well insulated new-ish house with a heating system that ran too often due to rust issues. Once we replaced the unit, I went back to waking up ‘fresh as a daisy’

    16. Do you sleep in a different position alone vs at home with husband? For example does one position make you mouth breath more etc. I live in Scotland and always need a humidifier in winter so I’d get a cheap sensor from Amazon and check both places.

17. I’m apparently all over this thread this morning. So let’s play a game. What’s something good that happened for you this week? We are weaning the 3 am feed and adding a couple of elements to the bedtime routine in preparation for sleep training the baby starting Friday, and it has gone super well. I really feel confident that she’s ready, which is awesome because I’m only home 2 weeks between chemos, so timing really matters and we’d have to wait a while to try again if it didn’t work. What else is going well?

    1. I’ve had a busted roof for five months (tree during Ida), and I finally got my new roof this week! Which means interior repairs can start next. A very exciting week!

       1. That is so exciting!!

    2. My son didn’t realise I was coming home on Tuesday night (normally I come home Wednesday afternoon) and on Wednesday morning, he was so happy to see me! He jumped in bed for a cuddle and told me how much he loved me.
       I also had coffee with a colleague on Tuesday and we set the world to rights. We were chatting so much I had to jump in a cab to get to the airport but it was really restorative.

       1. I love this, CB :)

          1. *Cb

    3. Long-time work nemesis agreed with me in a polite and respectful way, and told his team they could trust that I was always honest, even if we arrived at different conclusions. Progress! Also, the 18-month old is have a vocabulary explosion and it’s so fun to have ‘conversations’ with her. AND I’ve put on real work clothes (not sweats / p.j.s) three of four days this week so far! That counts as winning during Covid.

       1. This is amazing!

    4. I have been having problems with seeming to doze off randomly while working. I realized that I was having to look down to see my monitors. I put them on boxes and reset the height on my laptop stand. Since then, I haven’t had a single episode.

       1. This is a great win :)

    5. I have contractors coming to install a home improvement item on Saturday. When I ordered the item back in January, they said manufacturing would be 8-12 weeks, and it was done in under 4! I’m so happy to have this done and checked off the list, in addition to the slight improvement in quality of life because my current item is in bad condition and is moderately annoying every time I have to use it.

       1. Yay that’s so unexpected and nice.

    6. I was losing my mind about work yesterday, and you jumped in with perspective! I also cried it out with my husband when he got home. And then I got in the bathtub with a glass of wine and a book, and forgot everything for a while, and this morning I am ON IT and doing great.

       1. Oh I was hoping you’d check in!! That’s awesome!

    7. Love this thread, perfect for gloomy Feb day. I’ll play –

       *I gave a presentation at a conference yesterday and an older gentleman approached me later and told me he learned more in 15 minutes about a topic than he had in 25 years of working with the topic.

       *Also yesterday I got a really great compliment from an outside stakeholder on the job I’m doing as a project manager on very large multi-year complicated project that we’re working on. We’re being hit hard on supply chain issues with things we need, but I ordered things back in the fall anticipating long lead times and it’s nice that my foresight is being recognized.

       *The London Fog tea in my mug today is delicious.

       1. What a lovely group of three wins.

    8. I’ve been struggling with feelings that don’t fit the situation, perfectionism, and some self esteem stuff as a result. I made a mistake at work yesterday and got a slap on the wrist, but I took it in stride! I ruminated on it and what the learnings were, owned up, and moved on. I don’t feel horrible about myself and I didn’t cry!

       1. Okay this is huge. Congratulations.

    9. My kids came home from college for a family birthday. That was the good. Then they left. That was the bad. :(

       1. Aww hugs Anon.

    10. I read a book Monday evening after finally carving out some uninterrupted time to read. The book, China Room by Sunjeev Sahota, had an interesting premise but was insubstantial enough to finish off in a single sitting. It was a really nice break from too much news in the evenings!

        1. Reading is so good :). I should take a leaf out of your book and stop commenting and go read…

    11. Two consecutive nights of no nighttime wake-ups! There’s always a trade off, but since this is the going well thread, I’m just glad I was able to get 7+ hours of sleep.

        Good luck with your own sleep training! We are doing some resetting after some sickness and disruption to the schedule, but it is utter bliss to sleep all night.

        1. I’m so happy for you :)

    12. I booked the airfare for a European trip in May/June, which is going to be super awesome, Lord willing and the creek don’t rise. Had the genius idea to go to Chicago for my birthday and got a lot of super great ideas about things to do, see, and eat from you all. And I’ve had some elder care issues with my dad but my husband has stepped up to help like a champ and that has been fantastic.

        1. Ohhhhh Euro trip so exciting!!!

    13. I have another. My bulldog haaaates to go on walks (something we didn’t anticipate when we adopted/rescued him!), but will gladly follow his bulldog friend anywhere. His friend is coming over today along with his owner, and we’re all going on a bulldog walk!

        1. This is so cute!

        2. I cannot with how cute this is. A BULLDOG WALK.

           1. I came back to tell you both it was a great success. Bulldog friend brought along a French bulldog friend so it was a three bulldog walk.

    14. I’ve worked out 4 days this week and am quite proud of myself. (Just 30 hour yoga or bike rides, but it’s the consistency I care about.) It’s a time of great stress and tension at work and I’m really trying to engage with some healthy coping mechanisms. This one is working!

        1. I love this!

    15. Three good things this week!

        1. My dad came over for dinner on Tuesday to help plan a dinner menu for my mom’s birthday in a couple weeks, and we had the best time chatting. I was always super close to my dad growing up but he is not the best texter, whereas my mom constantly texts and calls, so it was really nice to get some quality father daughter time.
        2. I finally made an appointment with an integrated medicine clinic to talk about a treatment plan for my PCOS! A woman at the nail salon overheard me talking about my hair loss and interrupted to tell me about her daughters experience at this clinic. I looked it up and they have amazing reviews. I’m cautiously optimistic.
        3. My husband and I are spending a weekend away with friends for the first time in a long time this weekend! Husband is a huge extrovert and has been struggling lately, so I’m excited we get to have a more social weekend.

        1. What a wonderful set of three :). Best of luck with the clinic!!

    16. I got my performance appraisal – a 5! (Which is the top rating) I also pulled the trigger on a new sofa and loveseat for my living room. My current set is ancient!

        1. Yesssssss go you!

    17. After 3 hours of time in the last two days, I finally got my husband’s insurance company to approve his cancer chemo med that is $20,000 per month. It involved a pharmacy, the oncologist office, his primary insurance and the script approval department. The insurance company acted like this is a med for acne or arthritis…no, he needs this urgently. It’s been over 2 weeks that I’ve been working on it. Hope to pick it up from SCCA tomorrow or Monday.

        1. I wish it didn’t take this much effort and time, but what a relief to have it approved now. All best wishes as he starts taking it soon.

           1. Thank you.

        2. Oh Coach Laura. That’s just awful. I’m glad it got approved but so sorry you had to wait like that. I hope it’s something like Rituxin was for you.

    18. My alma mater competes in a local college hockey tournament every February; before COVID, they went from being the underdog on a 30-year dry spell to winning it three years in a row. The first round of the tournament was earlier this week, I went with my family (got that sweet sweet “super immunity” after recovering from the ‘cron) and they won the first round, they’re going to the championship game next week and COULD win for the fourth year in a row!

        I missed going to hockey games. I missed the pep band covers and funny chants you only hear in college hockey. I even missed the overpriced drinks and stadium food.

        1. Beanpot?

18. Weird story I had to share — today I received a text video from a guy I dated over 2 years ago. He’s a doctor who travels a lot. I eventually broke up with him because he was flakey. A few months after the break up I found a wonderful man who treats me well (met on Bumble). Today I got a video from the doctor. He’s in the shower (just chest up) and the video pans over to show an ocean view. No words, just a weird video. I have no words!!! I’d love to send some sort of witty text to let him know I”m off market but I’m not sure I even want to engage.

    1. Nope. Delete. Ignore.

    2. Don’t reply

    3. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

    4. Block

    5. Delete and remove contact from your phone.

    6. The wittiest reply is silence. He no longer warrants even the 10 seconds time to reply. Delete, block.

    7. Do NOT send a “witty” text to let someone know you are off the market. You ignore or you give a very dry reply – “I am spoken for. Do not send me these messages.”

    8. I’m sorry, this made me laugh. Men’s ideas of what women want can be so …. from Mars, I guess.

       That’s the kind of video a number of my gay male friends would enthusiastically receive, except it probably wouldn’t be from the chest up.

       1. (And I know this because then they’d forward the video to me, and we’d have to have the “please tag things NSFW” conversation, again)

    9. Leave him on read. More powerful than a reply.

    10. No response. And I’d say 50/50 odds if you respond negatively he’d say it was meant for someone else (probably not truthfully).

    11. Swear to G*d, men are so weird. Delete and block.

    12. Ignore, delete, block.
        Do not engage.

    13. Men are so dumb.

        To piggyback on your story, about a month ago I get a text from a number I don’t recognize that just says, “NAME?” It is my name, so I say “yes?” back. The next text I get says, “Are you still single?” I am bored so I respond with, “who is this?” He gives me a name and says we “dated” in 2006. 2006!!!!!!!!! I have no recollection of dating anyone by this name, but I am bored so I play along. So I am like NAME who? He then sends me a picture of someone at a wedding. Still nothing. He won’t tell me his last name. Then he asks me again if it is MY NAME. I tell him he is getting blocked, which I don’t intent to do because this is hilarious now to me. Days later he then sends me a modeling headshot and now I recognize the guy. We did NOT date. We drunkenly hooked up a couple of times and he was weird so I never talked to him again. He randomly sends me texts still – I find it funny – so desperate. 2006!!!!

        1. One of my former hookups found me at work because I had stupidly told him where I worked. It had been years since we’d been together. I told him I was married, pregnant, and happy. And then he kept calling me back.

    14. “Who is this?” Then block.

19. Can anyone recommend progressive Christian resources for women in management? I ran across the book “She Works His Way” and was intrigued by the concept, but this particular title seems to be targeted at the evangelical MLM mom boss crowd and not progressive Christian women with big jobs.

    1. Why does your personal faith have to be part of management resources? This feels like church and state mixing. Management resources, management resources for women, being professional in the work place and not bleeding your personal faith into your communication and habits in the work place would be appreciated by anyone you manage.
       That said, I’m glad you know to avoid anything evangelical related.

       1. +1 don’t bring your religion to work in any observable way. Separation of church and state.

          1. Y’all know “state” means “government,” right? The government can’t be yoked with the church, but private business and private citizens can.

             OP, I’d be surprised if anything like this exists, just thinking about where progressive Christians are focused.

             1. Can and should are different and also there are discrimination laws that apply to private businesses and need to be observed.

          2. Agreed. We are not obligated to pretend our religion does not exist or isn’t important to us when we’re at work. What we are obligated to do is to avoid proselytizing – expressly or implicitly – in the office, and to abide by any other employer policies on these issues. But that does not mean pretending our religion does not exist.

             OP. I’m a very devout Christian and manage a team of 25 people, and my faith is a core part of how I approach management. What that means is that I pray for my team every day (both in general and with respect to any specific needs and concerns I’m aware of); I seek God’s guidance in how to respond to interpersonal issues and challenge myself to ensure that my decisions align with my responsibility to love my neighbor as myself; and I seek to live out the ideal of servant-leadership that I believe Christ models for us. Some of my team may be aware of my religious faith but most probably are not. I have never found resources that were helpful if you come from a mainline/progressive background, unfortunately.

             1. This is lovely.

                I am a but flummoxed by the replies here. Just upthread, there is a discussion about corporations giving execs insane bonuses while people toil away for $7.25 an hour, no benefits, and crap schedules. A Christian manager who wants to live out the faith may take an entirely different approach to her team. Employee of three months needs time off to care for an elderly dying parent but isn’t FMLA eligible? POS harasses people on the team? Stressed employee hit pandemic wall? I would want a manager who sees me as a human and not a “resource.” (This is not exclusive to Christians, obviously.)

             2. I think your last sentence (“This is not exclusive to Christians, obviously”) is the key here. The reactions would be very different if she asked for employee-centered management tips or ethical management tips or whatever. Faith is irrelevant to whether you’re a compassionate and ethical manager.

             3. I’m not asking anyone not to be their full selves. If they want to privately practice their religion that is fine. If it influences how they live their lives that is fine. If they ask staff to pray with them, it is not. Even telling their staff that they pray for them is not ok. And displaying a lot of religious artifacts is also not ok.

                OP is probably fine if she says most people don’t even know she’s religious.

             4. Interestingly, government employees have a legal right to display religious artifacts so long as it clearly represents the employee’s viewpoint, not the agency’s. My husband works with someone who has their office covered in crosses and Virgin Mary statues.

       2. Bringing faith into the workplace is about living your values through the way you treat your employees, co-workers, and clients, prioritize work, etc. I have never and would never discuss my faith in the workplace. I am just really frustrated being stuck in a management role that doesn’t suit me and being frozen out of projects and initiatives that would allow me to contribute in a meaningful way to social justice, which is why I got into my field in the first place. I need to get out of this funk and embrace the management role that I will never escape now that I’ve risen to where I am, and focusing in an intentional way on person-centered, values-driven management seems like a way to do it.

       3. It’s not church and state mixing unless she works for the government. But I agree it’s icky and would be frowned upon at many private sector employers.

    2. You are looking for something that doesn’t exist. If you want that book, you will need to write it. And then you will need to self-publish and self-distribute it. You will not find Christian resources to help you undermine the tenets of the church or their view of the central foundation of society – the.repression of women.

    3. Since there is nothing progressive or Christian about progressive Christians today, I would say, leave your religion at home.

       1. OMG. You clearly have not interacted with all Christian churches. If you hate Christians, just say that.

    4. can you explain why you want this to be Christian specifically as opposed to more general ethical leadership?

       1. Not the OP, but for me there is an aspect of self-sacrificial love that is a part of my Christian faith that I don’t think would be reflected in a general ethical leadership book. Ethical leadership doesn’t require me to love my team, just to treat them fairly. Christianity does require me to love them, and in fact, to love them as I do myself. If that is what the OP is trying to think through/reflect on, then she probably would not find that in a secular resource.

          1. This is pretty much it. I’d also like to find some sort of higher purpose in the work I do. I am prevented by circumstances from doing the type of impactful work for which I have training and aptitude, and I’m tired of feeling useless and dissatisfied. There has got to be something I can do to make the world a better place by doing the job I have in a more intentional way, I just need to find it. Maybe instead of saving the world I was put in this job to make life better for the working moms on my staff, or to do something else I’m just not seeing. If that’s the case I’d like to figure out what it is and make peace with it and do it better than I currently am.

             Before someone says it, switching jobs would not be a total solution because I am too experienced now to be allowed to do the real work.

             1. “Maybe instead of saving the world I was put in this job to make life better for the working moms on my staff”

                This is certainly a nice goal, but what does it have to do with Jesus!? There are lots of resources out there for working moms, including an entire spin-off page related to this one where you could talk to actual moms about what would make life better for them. I’m sure you can find lots of ways to improve life for moms (and non-moms) on your staff without bringing faith into it. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m Jewish but this idea that your Christian faith is what allows you to be a compassionate, ethical manager who makes life good for the people on your staff is kind of offensive.

             2. I could see this manifesting itself as using your political capital at work to benefit your employees – going to bat for them to get better pay, benefits, working conditions. Simply treating everyone with dignity and respect is something not often done on an org-wide basis. If you’re in an organization big enough to have a lobbying/political arm, are you in any sort of position to influence the things they lobby for (ie, that your company isn’t lobbying for anti-worker legislation)?

          2. OP – I think you get your higher purpose from volunteer work since you can’t get it in your real job. I don’t think you can do anything else and still respect the beliefs/feelings of your co-workers and team members. Sure, you can pray for them on your own but I would never bring religion overtly into the workplace. I pray for people in my life and coworkers but I don’t ever tell them that and I would be uncomfortable if someone came out and said they were praying for me, absent some sort of critical illness.

             1. +1 million to finding fulfillment through volunteer work. My job is what I do to earn money. My volunteer work is what I do to bring meaning to my life.

             2. You are totally missing my point. I want to know what I can do in the job I have now to make the world a better place. That does not involve evangelizing or telling people I am praying for them, it involves being a better human in the workplace. For me the way to be a better human is informed by the values of my faith. I am looking for resources to support that. You are saying that it’s inappropriate to act in accordance with one’s personal values in the workplace, which is hugely depressing.

             3. I never said this: “You are saying that it’s inappropriate to act in accordance with one’s personal values in the workplace, which is hugely depressing.”

                “I want to know what I can do in the job I have now to make the world a better place.” I don’t think there is.

                You can be a good human and Christian without talking about it. That’s my point. Being a good ethical manager is all you can do, in my opinion.

             4. Yes, and I specified that I am not looking to talk about Christianity at work. I am looking for resources for my personal use to improve my performance as a manager using a Christian framework that no one in the office will ever know about.

    5. Yikes yikes yikes. Religious management techniques would be such a quick way to get fired from my employer.

       1. If the techniques were implemented correctly, no one but the manager herself would ever know they were faith-based. You would just see a manager who treated you like a human being.

          1. Are you insinuating that people who aren’t Christian don’t treat their subordinates like human beings? This is wildly offensive. If you want to be a good manager, be a good manager! That’s a great, admirable goal. And one that has literally nothing to do with Jesus Christ.

       2. Enough with the “Yikes!” responses. It makes you sound fragile and judgy.

          The OP never said that she is going to preach to her employees. She wants to use her God-given talents and position of authority to make life better for her staff. It’s downright weird that people are responding this way towards her.

          1. Itreflects poorly on someone’s judgement to bring make believe into a professional setting

             1. You know what’s not professional? Bigotry. Which is what you’re demonstrating here.

             2. It’s actually way worse than make believe. Make believe sounds like something innocent that children do and a harmless, if naive, thing for adults to believe in. But Christianity is not harmless. It’s persecuted and discriminated against many different groups for millennia.

          2. Amen ;)

          3. +1000. OP, I understand your question and I find it a bit horrifying how people are responding to you. I am a Quaker. I never discuss religion in the workplace. But my values and practice of Quakerism very much affect how I manage. That’s the *point* of many religious traditions, after all: to inform how we live in all aspects of our lives.

             I don’t have a suggestion for you, though I wish I did.

    6. Maybe start with a biography of J. Irwin Miller? Not a woman, obviously, but he managed to navigate the business world and live progressive, Christian values. He got things wrong occasionally, too, but he’s generally recognized as a solid example in both business and Christian circles, I think.

    7. It’s not Christian, but Leaders Eat Last describes servant leadership in the best way I have seen.

    8. You might have better luck if you look for resources for women in management OR resources for Christians in management. My personal experience with anything Christian AND women is cringey. Evangelical MLM is a great description.

       1. Good point.

    9. The only book I can think of remotely related would be Every Good Endeavor by Tim Keller. He is mainstream reformed theology, so maybe not quite “progressive Christianity” depending on where you’re coming from, but he is fairly social justice oriented so it may be if interest even if your theologies don’t align completely.

    10. OP – This particular forum is not a great place for this question (or any discussion of religion – especially Christianity). There is a frankly disturbing amount of anti-Christian bias. I am not aware of any specific resources that would fit your request but suggest asking your parish (or whatever your denomination calls it) for suggestions because I know that they receive a fair amount of management training.

20. Paging Cb and anyone else who is doing an around the world reading challenge – you inspired me to start one! I’m really enjoying it so far. Any stand out books that tick-off a country that may not be on my radar (i.e. I’ve got Japan, China, Nigeria, Mexico well covered but don’t have anything in mind for most countries yet.

    1. Ooh let me get out my list, this is the distraction I needed today.
       Albania: Freedom – Lea Ypi
       Bangladesh: A Golden Age – Amad
       Catalonia: In Diamond Square – Rodoreda
       Congo: The Death of Comrade President
       Georgia: The Eighth Life
       Iceland: Miss Iceland – Olafsdottir
       Kurdistan: Daughters of Smoke and Fire – Ava Hone
       Trinidad: Minty Alley – James
       Tunisia: The Ardent Swarm

       1. Awesome. Thanks!

    2. The Bone People for New Zealand!

    3. Azerbaijan – Ali and Nino – Kurban Said
       Belarus – The Slaughterman’s Daughter – Yaniv Iczkovitz
       England – Wolf Hall – Hilary Mantel
       France – The Life Before Us – Emil Ajar
       Ireland – Dubliners – James Joyce
       Italy – My Brilliant Friend – Elena Ferrante
       Korea – The Vegetarian – Han Kang
       Kyrgyzstan – Jamila – Chingiz Aitmatov
       Nepal – Into Thin Air – John Krakauer
       Russia – One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich – Solzhenitsyn
       Ukraine – Everything Is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran Foer

    4. Afghanistan – The Kite Runner
       Rwanda – We Wish To Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families – I was an international relations major and read this in college – I’m not exaggerating to say it shaped who I am as a person. When people complain about college “liberalizing” students, it’s that you cannot read a work like this and not be changed.

    5. A Day Lasts More than a Hundred Years for Kyrgyzstan

       1. I replied before seeing that Chingiz Aitmatov had already been named; looks like I need to add Jamila to my list.

          I’m still working through some books from the last discussion; thanks to everyone for the recommendations!

          1. A Day Lasts More than a Hundred Years (which is a great book) is actually set in Kazakhstan! So would add an extra country, but didn’t want to recommend the same author twice.

             1. Thank you for correcting me! It does look like the farming community represented Jamila is quite different.

    6. North Korea: Friend by Paek Nam-nyong
       It’s as close as North Korea gets to a bestseller within its own borders that we have access to. I haven’t read it yet but am fascinated by the story surrounding its release.

    7. Italy – I Am God, Giacomo Sartori
       Austria – The Capital, Robert Menasse
       Japan – The Guest Cat, Takashi Hiraide
       Mexico – Sudden Death, Álvaro Enrigue

    8. Magical realism:
       Finland: Troll: A Love Story – Johanna Sinisalo
       Spain: The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruis Zafon

       Crime:
       Sweden: Sun Storm – Åsa Larsson
       Germany: Zen and the Art of Murder – Oliver Bottini
       Norway: The Redbreast – Jo Nesbø

       1. Ghana-Kwei Quartey detective series
          Africa genrally- Love in Color by Bolu Babalola

    9. Chile: The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende. It’s so good.

       1. In that wein:
          Columbia: One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

21. I started a new job a few days ago and so far, it’s been kind of a mess. Everything has been very disorganized and chaotic, and people have not been friendly or very willing to help. I know everyone is probably just busy and it’s too soon to make any judgments about the job as it takes awhile to settle in, so I’m just hanging in there and trying to roll with things as they happen. Hopefully this will take a turn for the better soon.

    Anyone else ever have a bad start at a new job and care to commiserate? Tell me your stories!

    1. I haven’t started that many new jobs in my life because I was with one employer for a long time, but all of them started with way too much time reading documents and it’s nothing to do. I’d tell people above me that I wasn’t busy and they’d tell me to enjoy it. You’re right that it never lasted.

    2. For me, sadly, how it started has always been an indication of how it’d proceed.

       1. Thanks. This is a helpful reality check

22. What would you do? A new employee told me, unexpectedly, unsolicited, unwanted, that he had been in jail, had had multiple restraining orders, and his ex had been in a shelter (as a result of something to do with him). I left the convo, which really was a monologue with me in shocked speechlessness. I told our boss, who was surprised. We haven’t talked about any next steps. I’m going to write an email to boss, to document and am thinking about letting hr know. I don’t know if any of this is true or what our hiring processes are like around people with this background.

    1. I would report is as harassment. A man telling me he beats women is threatening.

       1. Agree with this.

       2. Yeah, this is concerning and seems to show some sort of pride (?) in his actions. Bragging that a woman had to go to a DV shelter because of him is creepy and dangerous.

    2. How did it come up?

    3. ugh. that sounds terrible. You say it was unsolicited – did you feel threatened? Was he saying it as some kind of intimidation thing?

       Also, does his actually job have anything to do with taking care of people or working with women – something that’s tangibly related to the abuse?

       HR people will have to weigh in, I have no expertise there… but if it has nothing to do with his actual job, I don’t see what doing anything further would do? Unless you felt he was telling you to threaten/intimidate you, which is completely different.

       Part of me thinks that we have to let people who have done previously terrible things have jobs/careers unencumbered by their past. But he TOLD you and is almost bragging about it…that’s weird AF. And makes me want to stab him in the eye.

       1. It’s bizarre to me how common this is. My best guess is that people have received so much coaching from their lawyers that this is their most rehearsed anecdote to tell, in combination with some psychological impulse to get validation in the form of people hearing the story and not actively immediately condemning them? I realize there are convicts out there who don’t do this, with the result that I don’t know they’re convicts, but boy are there ever a lot of people who can’t wait to explain how it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, or it was really bad but they found Jesus, or otherwise give their “how I ended up in jail” spiel.

    4. This was choking to me. Was he getting his jollies by telling you this?

       1. (I used to work with a man who told me way too much about his sex lite. At the time that wasn’t considered harassment because he wasn’t propositioning me, but in hindsight, it was definitely harassment because he was clearly enjoying making me uncomfortable.)

    5. If you are in NYC/NY he might be covered by multiple laws based on that set of facts, so i wouldn’t take any adverse action without speaking with employment counsel. Definitely check on what your hiring process requires for a background check (or if it is even required). Not sure why you would need to broadcast that info in writing to anyone but your boss and HR/counsel though.

       1. IANAL, but isn’t the fact that his history exists a separate issue from the fact that he spontaneously disclosed it to OP in a way that she apparently perceived as threatening?

          1. It depends, obviously. if she and this crazy felon are on the same level of the org chart, her perception that this was a threatening conversation would have more weight. if she is his supervisor/any type of supervisor, she should be very very careful here.

    6. I would definitely write an email to your boss with what he told you, so it’s in writing, and copy HR.

       Trust your instincts not to be alone with him in the workplace and especially careful after work on your way home.

23. My boss (without any request from me) tried to do something to “improve” (without really having any knowledge of what he was improving, besides, vaguely, technology speed, and the client being able to understand our reports better – but again, with no specific complaint that he’s trying to fix there) something. I spent a lot of time improving the speed already, and incorporating what he wants would take further work without any improvements (we already have a much more advanced algorithm in place, the client has not requested more information and there is no specific suggestion my boss even has for what the client would even want). I do not really respect my boss and am not always good at hiding it, but it annoys me that when I questioned it, he essentially implied that I was not being innovative. I know he wants to put something like this on his resume, but it’s just dumb that he wasted time playing around with this. I’m partially ranting, but also if anyone has suggestions, that would be great. Do I ask him to take a few steps back and discuss what we are working on/solving? That’s my temptation, but I think he will be offended.

    1. It sounds like it’s done and it just annoys you? In that case, I’d just vent here and let this be water under the bridge.

       1. I appreciate the place to vent. I guess it’s not done since he was just playing with a solution on his own, so I think the next step is incorporating it in (which will take work since it’s lacking). He didn’t really tell me to do anything yet, but he is certainly going to ask me what I thought about it.

    2. Boss, can you help me better understand the issue we are trying to solve here? Maybe I am missing some context, like a complaint from the client?
       I had a boss who I didn’t respect very much, and always resisted his ideas, but trying to shift my mindset into assuming he has a point, even if I don’t see it yet, helped me strike a more professional tone and be overall more constructive. Sometimes his ideas were pointless, but sometimes I was the one misunderstanding. Another good phrasing if you see an obvious specific issue that’s going to destroy the plan, is to say “I’d be worried about xyz aspect – how can we preempt that?”
       The general sense is that you are playing on the same team.

       1. If that’s a script, it’s not one that is going to hide any contempt.

          1. Words alone can’t do it. If you are willing and able to push down the snark and deliver the words with the honest intent to listen to the answer, then it can be a useful script. YMMV.

             1. I like the general script. I’m also wondering if I should give him information on what’s been done already, but I think he will just ignore it/look too much like pushing back, so it might be useless/not do anything. I’ll work on the response, thank you.

    3. I don’t know what you should do, but I can commiserate. My supervisor is a total OCD micro-manager who cannot keep from inserting herself into projects that are completely outside of her ken. Her “improvements” are often just wrong, wrong, wrong. As the SME, it drives me batty.

24. Has anyone here had experience with boomeranging back to an old company? Particularly after a short period of time.

    I (late 20s) work in product management and left my job in August after 2.5 years, going from a non-tech F50 to a startup. (I wrote about it here back then and got tons of awesome advice so some of you might recognize me from that :) ) I left primarily to get away from a bad boss who wouldn’t let me go, but also because of general COVID burnout and an itch to try something new. I’ve always maintained that the company as a whole was great, even if I personally was dealt a bad hand with my manager. I’ve been at the startup for six months now and while it’s bearable, there’s a lot of the typical dysfunctional management issues you’d expect, including blatant sexism against the women in the product and tech teams. I and some other new female hires brought our observations on this to the head of product and the CEO and were told that though they agreed that some members of senior leadership were sexist, they weren’t doing anything “overt” enough to warrant discipline. And of course there is no formal HR. Based on how my female boss is treated by her peers, I don’t want to dig in here. My plan was to rest, vest, collect my bonus, and then start looking again after my 1 year this summer.

    I stayed close with a mentor from my old job so he’s been kept up to date on all of this, and he recently asked if I’d consider coming back to my old company. He has a PM role open that would be the same title as what I have now, with a 30% raise and a direct report, which I really want. The bonus is less than what I’m supposed to get at my current job (10% vs 20%), but the payout is much more reliable. The raises at my old company are abysmal, but my new base would be high enough that I’d be fine riding that number out for another 3-4 years and then making another big jump somewhere else. My mentor is great and in any other situation I’d be jumping at the chance to work for him but boomeranging back so fast seems like a bad move for some reason. On one hand, all my problems with my old company were primarily due to my manager and he’s confirmed that I wouldn’t have any work responsibilities with her. She and I also parted on good terms, so there’s no awkwardness there. On the other, it seems petty to bounce back so fast and would likely burn bridges with my current employer. I also think the optics of going from a big non-tech company -> start up stint -> back to big company looks bad specifically from a tech career arc perspective.

    Anyone been in a similar situation and have some perspective?

    1. I do it. It was a smart move to leave and negotiate that kind of a raise. It’s not failure to go back– everyone’s careers are often not perfectly linear. Embrace the change and congratulations.

    2. Do it!

       1. To elaborate, I would have no problem with seeing you take a risk at a start up and it not work out quickly (start up time is different) and your old employer take you back — shows that you maintained good relationships with old employer. Also, this is often the only way to get fairly compensated because the biggest salary bumps come when switching companies. So I know lots of women who have followed this exact path.

    3. Do it! I did a boomerang out of the industry and back in a year later, and was really really surprised how warmly back I was welcomed. I’m in an industry that is very regional/close knit and was known publicly – so it wasn’t quiet. I was worried about the optics about it (but was still going to do it anyway) and was surprised just how warm the coming back was overall. When you’re consistent overall and do good work, people understand that and also that you’re human and things change.

       Funny enough, some of the most meaningful validation came from one of my firm’s biggest competitors when I was talking with a few of them at a slow moment during conference. These guys and I compete against each other all the time, sometimes pretty fiercely, they had absolutely no reason to help me feel confident, and I thought the conversation was going to be somewhat dismissive – however it was actually really affirming.

    4. Why wouldn’t you go back? A few months at a bad fit isn’t a bad thing and the old company likes you enough to take you back.

    5. I haven’t personally, but I have seen many people do this, and do it successfully.

       1. +1. We are always happy to get regretted departures back.

       2. Same. I say go for it.

    6. Do it. Try to get them to pay you half of your anticipated bonus at your current place as some sort of sign-on bonus. (I say half because that’s what you’ve earned at this point)

    7. I’d want absolute certainty that I won’t end up reporting to the bad manager again, meaning long-term outlook on department shuffling. What’s Bad Manager’s promotion trajectory, what’s yours, will they cross streams, etc. Other than that concern, this sounds like a smart move.

    8. I did it. It worked out fine for me. I say do it.

Comments are closed.