Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Black Rhoda Tunic Top
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I saw someone wearing a top very similar to this one from Tuckernuck at a lunch recently and I’ve been trying to track it down ever since. Paired with some slim ankle pants and great shoes, it looks effortlessly chic.
(Obviously, bare arms are a no-go in some places, so make sure you know your office norms!)
The top is $198 at Tuckernuck and comes in sizes 0-16. It also comes in green, navy, and a floral print.
For two more affordable options, both from Eileen Fisher, check out this linen jersey tank for $108 at EileenFisher.com (XXS-3X; black or white) for $108, or this Tencil knit tank for $98 at Dillard's (XXS-XL; black or white).
On the hunt for more tops like this? Going sleeveless at the office is still a know-your-office situation, but much more accepted than previously. As of 2025, some of our favorite sleeveless tops include ones from Anne Klein, Calvin Klein, Amazon seller Milumia, and Vince Camuto — Elie Tahari's silk one is also lovely.
Sales of note for 6/4/25:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has begun! See our full roundup here. Lots of markdowns on AGL (50%!), Weitzman, Tumi, Frank & Eileen, Zella, Natori, Cole Haan, Boss, Theory, Reiss (coats), Vince, Eileen Fisher, Spanx, and Frame (denim and silk blouses)
- Nordstrom Rack – Refurbished Dyson hairdryers down to $199-$240 (instead of $400+) + Father's Day gifts up to 60% off
- Ann Taylor – 50% off dresses, jackets & shoes + extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off
- Boden – 15% off new womenswear styles
- Eloquii – $19+ up select styles
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off women's dresses + up to extra 50% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 50-60% off summer styles + up to 60% off everything + extra 60% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Rothy's – Up to 50% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – BOGO 50% off everything, includes all markdowns
Hopefully a fun question. Planning a camping trip and need some fresh ideas for our deck of cards. What are your favorite 2-person card games?
Knitting. I feel like card games are hard with two people. Poker, etc, doesn’t do well and to me the bluffing of poker is what makes it interesting. And how the blinding works in Texas hold-em.
Maybe one of those discussion card games for couples? Draw a card and have a screaming match about if you let your MIL live in the one downstairs bedroom? Maybe not.
Gin rummy. Regular rummy as well.
+ 1 for gin rummy or rummy 500!
exploding kittens. it’s super silly but fun.
Yes, fun! We play this one at home along with its close cousin, Unstable Unicorns.
I should have been more specific that for camping we are looking for different games that can be played with a standard 52-card deck (rather than just games that use cards, but not cards from a standard deck). We aren’t going as extreme as ultralight, but we do try to minimize what we pack.
The only good two person card game I can think of is war
Ah, ok, with a standard deck that changes things! You might just play modified versions of your favorite card games. There is a two-player version of Hearts you can play. I love hearts with 4 ppl but the variation for 2-players is fun, too.
Spit
Cribbage. We have a little travel board that we use.
+1. Love crib.
War
Uno
Scrabble slam
Dice instead of cards, but similarly compact for camping: Farkle
Oh we like Farkle a lot too!
kids around here all are playing Trash.
We just got into Phase 10, a classic! I like it because every round is different and its easy to pick up and put down.
+1 for Phase 10. This is a family favorite and my husband and I play all the time by ourselves.
31! We always have a deck of cars with us and 31 is our go to. But we’re also in need of fresh ideas, so watching this thread!
2-player Whist.
It’s kind of a Bridge light.
Spades.
I’ve never played Spades with only 2 people, but Spades and Hearts are my favorite 3-4 person games.
Or, make friends with neighboring campsite and play Euchre. Euchre is the best, but requires 4.
Pinochle
double solitaire!
Heading to Denver for work but I’ll have a weekend free – any suggestions on must-do things to see or eat?
I always like to do botanic gardens, and I think there’s a Meow Wolf if you’re into that
The art museum is very good and I’m not even that into art. There’s a sandwich place nearby with very good elaborate sandwiches.
There is also a Native American restaurant in Denver that I wasn’t able to go to and can’t remember the name of – so helpful, I know. But you might be able to find it.
Tocaba is the Native restaurant and it is delicious. The art museum has an exhibit on Kent Monkman’s work and it is spectacular. Agree w/ Botanic Gardens and Meow Wolf.
any experience with dermaplaning? i am very fair with very dark hair and have been electrolicized/ lasered to the brink. Unfortunately i started minoxidil and i’m definitely getting a lot of regrowth but it’s fine and blond. is this an instagram gimmick or good stuff?
I love dermaplaning – I alternate between adding it to a facial, and doing it myself in between. I am also on monoxidil and checking more frequently for those strays that appear overnight and are suddenly really long. I love it because it removes not only the hair but dead skin cells.
Agree – I do it about every 6 weeks with a Tinkle (I only use each one twice). Watch some YouTube tutorials first. I don’t do the inside of my nose because it scares me so I just got a nose hair trimmer.
I also started oral minoxidil and just use a Tinkle razor to touch up. Super easy/fast/great/cheap.
I like it so much, as well as how it helps my skin, that I regularly do my whole face (takes no time) and then use it intermittently to clean up stray hairs.
What’s a nicer way to say “figure it out” or “check your emails/the file”? I’m tired of the information-gathering flowing up hill constantly. Yes, the information is in my brain, but you need to use your resources before asking me. (I’m not talking about when my opinion is needed, or when I am the only one with the information, I’m talking about facts and objective information that can be easily obtained by searching emails/the file).
“Let me know if you can’t find it in the file.”
“The information is in the folder.”
“Do some digging and we can meet once you have a draft.”
Also, be slower to respond.
+100. Especially be slower to respond. And be consistent – people will get used to checking the file and not asking you if they know for sure you’re not going to tell them.
Do not be slower to respond–tell them immediately what they need to do and make them do it. Otherwise you’ll get the inevitable “I have an email into X but they haven’t responded yet.” and like it or not, the side eye will be in your direction.
There’s a balance. Never so long that people say that, but it doesn’t have to be an immediate reply.
Agreed with all of this. Consistency, referring to where they can find it, and being just a little bit slower vs. just telling them what the answer is immediately.
It depends. In my career I’ve usually been the one to train newer people to the workforce, so I’ve gotten away with just being blunt “I have faith in you, look for the information before asking me.” Or “DID YOU LOOK BEFORE CALLING ME?” I usually get grumbles and have to do this a few dozen times per person, but eventually it sticks.
Maybe I’m just the most independent employee on the planet but as a junior I never even dreamed of pestering my seniors unless I had a technical question or a complete draft for them to review. Now that I’m a senior I get the dumbest effing questions, do the youths just not Google these days?!
They really don’t.
I’m like you— I’d always exhaust everything at my disposal before asking someone else. Based on the often ecstatic feedback I receive about being self reliant, I don’t think it’s a “kids these days” issue! I think it’s a certain personality type that will do this or not. Maybe some sort of internal curiosity or desire to act independently? I’m not sure.
I agree that often there’s a personality type involved. I’ve worked with people whose first recourse, always, is to ask another person, and have that person quickly tell them the answer. If forced to, they’ll make themselves read something to find an answer. But they would prefer not to. They simply have no patience for slowing down and figuring it out from the info in front of them.
I would feel like such a self involved (derogatory term) if I thought I was important enough to always bother others and never do my own thinking.
Seriously. I am not your mom and not Google. Please stop being so quick to tell me that you didn’t check known available resources first. I remember that a little too well.
I use a three strikes rule with subordinates. First time, I will ask where you looked for it and we’ll Socratic method our way through the different sources you need to check. Second time, I’ll tell you that you need to check sources better. Third time, I will tell you to stop asking me for information you can easily find yourself, only come to me if you cannot find it after an hour (or whatever) of diligent searching.
I remember as a first year associate, I asked a mid-level associate if they knew what company an email extension belonged to. It did not occur to me that the company was big enough to have a website and to be easily Googleable (this was 15+ years ago). He forwarded my email to the entire team, including partners, and told everyone to google things before they asked him. I think it was my second week on the job. So I try to not be that guy, but I also don’t want to have to repeatedly tell people to use their eyes.
+1. I train them to start the conversation with “I looked in X, Y, and Z places but couldn’t find an answer. Can you help me with…”
Ohhh. I like this (responder above with new employees in the professional workplace.)
❤️❤️
Are you senior to this person? I think the answer depends on whether you are the junior, senior, or same-level colleague.
I point them to the file with a link or attachment.
“What have you tried/where have you looked so far?”
Depending on their response, you can direct them to check their emails, the file, or whatever other resources make sense, or if they really are stuck you can provide more material help.
This one is good too.
The National Guard getting deployed against ICE protestors is chilling and very likely illegal. Does anyone have suggestions for good organizations to support? I don’t want to do nothing and turn off the news, just like Trump wants, every time there’s a new upsetting development.
I really can’t believe this is America.
ACLU is always good at moments like this, whether you agree with them on everything or not.
MARINES getting called in is extraordinarily concerning. That’s all but declaring martial law.
The National guard gets called for protests sometimes. Whether you think it’s appropriate in a particular instance likely follows your political beliefs. But objectively, it is a thing that happens and has at least some air of legitimacy.
Calling in the military to perform peacekeeping operations is blatantly and flagrantly illegal. If Trump had sent Marines to deal with Jan 6, I would’ve been against it. You do not deploy the military against your own populace no matter what. Even if you think the ICE protests are bad or violent or whatever Fox News is saying, you should be against calling the military for this.
The National Guard can get called for protests when the governor or state legislature requests assistance to manage an insurrection against the state government. That is not the case here. California officials, including the governor, have been very clear that they feel fully capable of handling the protests and do not see the protests as an insurrection.
It’s incredibly disconcerting that Trump has essentially declared war on one of the 50 states. This is also in the context of making plans to cut off federal funding to California, despite the fact that Californians are equal citizens that pay taxes (a lot of them!), and while they may disproportionately vote for Democrats, there are also more Republicans in California than all but two states.
I’m not optimistic that Newsom actually has a spine, but California is a net contributor of taxes to the rest of the US. Maybe Californians don’t pay taxes to the federal government and see what happens in states that gets lots of federal funding.
Are you volunteering to test this theory personally? And how do you plan to get your employer to stop witholding exactly?
I’ve seen this proposal circulating on the internet and honestly, it’s the thing that convinces me Democrats won’t win in 2026 or 2028. It’s a half-baked, disingenuous, insubstantial, and childish proposal in response to a real threat.
You fill out a W4 . . . Your employer isn’t responsible for you paying your income taxes, you can tell them not to withhold anything.
How do you defend burning cars and destroying property? Are we just supposed to accept generalized lawlessness every time the administration does something we don’t like?
Good grief, no one is defending burning cars and destroying property, and you are being purposefully dense (I hope, at least). The comment is directed at the action by the federal government when this is a state issue!
Sorry, but the “end of democracy” argument would play a heck of a lot better if it wasn’t made against the backdrop of total anarchy.
The anarchy, to the extent there is any, is being caused by the govt disregarding well established legal norms and rules.
All this is doing is escalating.
I wasn’t aware that the federal government is calling up Waymos, setting them on fire, destroying storefronts and spray painting everything and throwing rocks and bricks on cop cars. Wow, maybe it is the end of democracy then.
Total anarchy? Do you know what those words mean?
Total anarchy?! Geez, get a grip. You don’t have any idea what “total anarchy” looks like.
Won’t somebody think of the Waymos???
I know people on the left who defended burning cars and destroying property back in 2020 and I have no doubt they are doing it again now. Luckily I moved away from the city so I don’t have to relive the 2020 experience or hear from them ever again.
Works for France. If somebody doesn’t like it they’re probably not all that left.
If it gets to the point where burning cars and destroying property is the only way for the voice of reason and democracy to be heard, you join.
um. no. burning more cars and destroying more property just adds fuel to the fire.
It’s too bad America turned into a dictatorship, but you have to understand, some cars got burned, so I couldn’t support the pro-democracy side.
Oh, also, eggs were expensive.
JFC you’ve lost your mind and prepare to lose all future elections with that mindset. Are you 12?
Do you believe future elections are anything but a farce under a fascist dictatorship?
Eyeroll, yes, I don’t believe this is the end of America.
You’re kidding , right? This cannot be a serious opinion.
Apparently…..
The vast majority of the people protesting were peaceful, and after the first afternoon had permits. 100 bad actors were arrested; there are always some morons who see a peaceful protest as an opportunity to cause chaos.
There’s been more property destruction after a Lakers win than there has been in DTLA the past three days. Without the 24-hour news cycle, most people in LA wouldn’t be aware of any protests outside a three-block radius in the downtown business district.
I dunno, I got a text over the weekend saying that it was unlawful to assemble in downtown L.A. The interfaith vigil I wanted to attend was canceled on Sunday.
Do you have any idea how small the exclusion zone is? Seriously, get a grip.
When you declare war, things get nasty. Idiot.
Former Army officer here. This really is a situation where you can’t do anything, though tossing money to the ACLU or an immigrant legal defense fund is always a good idea in these times.
When I first heard Trump had called in the National Guard, my jaw hit the floor. I don’t think most people understand that National Guard troops belong to each state’s governor. A president has to ask that governor’s *permission* to federalize them and that governor gets to say no(!). There are a couple exceptions when you can federalize them without the governor’s approval, mainly along the lines of the governor/local government being incapacitated/ineffectual. Obv the California and LA governments are just fine. If you hear the news talking about Title X, this is what they’re talking about – the laws federalizing National Guard troops.
Having been both active duty (the military is your daily 9-5 job) and National Guard (you play military one weekend a month and two weeks in the summer and have a regular civilian 9-5 job), I’d be so effing annoyed to be one of those Guardsmen. You have to take special leave from your job, you leave your family, find somebody to watch your pets if you’re single, pack up all your gear, put your utilities on pause if you’re single, mess with your civilian salary and wait for the National Guard salary to kick in and hope your NG salary is as much as your civilian salary to cover all your bills…to go stand around and do nothing for an undetermined amount of time because local law enforcement has everything in hand and never needed you. Agh. I’m irritated just typing it out.
thank you for explaining how this works.
this is the part that makes me so irate about Trump. He makes these decisions in the middle of a tantrum that cause real disruption, hardship and often trauma to everyday people and families. We’re all just pawns in his game.
The man promised to be a dictator. I’m genuinely confused as to how we didn’t think this would end our democracy.
This type of “what did you expect” comment is annoying. We’re commenting on the situation at hand, not on who was surprised and who wasn’t. Level of surprise at Trump’s actions is totally irrelevant. I expected this and I’m still horrified by it.
Fair, but we need to steel ourselves. We’re horrified but we’re the minority. Most voters and many people reading here want an authoritarian state. That’s why they voted for a dictator.
I mean, eggs were expensive and we had to acknowledge that txxgxxder people exist. Who wouldn’t prefer a dictatorship under those conditions???
ok so you saw this all coming and are not surprised at all. Then you probably have an amazing answer for OPs questions…?
I don’t. I think we can get ourselves killed or arrested. I think it would be noble. But the most powerful military in the world is now in the hands of a popular dictator using it to fight the people. I think it’d naive to pretend the aclu can save a democracy when the majority of voters want a dictatorship. I’d love to know why I’m wrong.
The majority of voters don’t want a dictatorship. MAGA voters drive me up the wall, but this doesn’t accurately characterize the ones I know. People who watch FOX all day believe all kinds of horrifying lies about the Dems (such that only a truly terrible person would support them) and don’t believe or aren’t aware of a lot of horrible truths about DJT.
They know he promised to be a dictator. They saw Jan 6. I don’t believe for a moment that they don’t want a dictatorship. I agree Fox tells lies but I fundamentally disagree that they want to live in a democracy. I hope I’m proven wrong.
They think that Biden was a dictator. In their minds they were trying to SAVE democracy from dictatorship even if it was a 49/51 odds kind of gamble.
What do you think that Jan 6 looked like to people who genuinely believe the election outcome was illegitimate? I promise you that people genuinely believe this.
I think they wanted it too. Trump’s popularity among his base is higher than ever. Trump said what he was going to do in second-grade level English. People got it.
There were major two candidates. One confirmed on Fox News that he’d be a dictator. That one won. I agree a lot of propaganda got us here but I have to disagree that they want a democracy.
I think they want a “strong leader” and don’t believe it’s a dictatorship as long as they voted for him.
Well maybe you are right; this is the reason why democracy was historically regarded as fundamentally unstable (because the demos will want a dictator in the end). So much for the USA’s fabulous constitution preventing this outcome I guess!
Look for an immigrant legal defense fund in the state you want to help protect. The State of California is suing over the illegal deployment of National Guard troops.
See if there’s a local bail-support org. A lot of people are going to get unjustly arrested.
TW: death/suicide
A friend’s teenage daughter recently lost her battle with her eating disorder. It was a long battle with too many hospitalizations to count. A mutual acquaintance was explaining friend’s absence at an event to some folks who didn’t know about the death. Acquaintance said the daughter committed suicide. I don’t know what verbiage the parents would prefer, they’re not talking about the cause of death at all, but I bristled at the description. I would’ve left it at, their daughter tragically died, or at most if the pressed, just what I’ve said here, that she struggled with an eating disorder and sadly lost her battle. I suppose calling it a “suicide” isn’t technically incorrect but it seems… wrong somehow. I’m not sure if I should’ve corrected acquaintance or if it’s not my place or how to even talk about this very sad thing. I see this acquaintance frequently, though they’re not my favorite person, so it’s very possible I’ll be in this position again. Wwyd?
I would say something like, she just lost her daughter and is grieving. Even the ED stuff is TMI!
Nothing. It wasn’t a conversation you were in. If you were in it, you could add, “I’m not a doctor but I think it was more complicated than that.” But do you want to open that door? Maybe it’s enough that it wasn’t a car crash or cancer? But maybe they won’t want to complain about their dieting fails just now?
I was in the conversation. Four of us were standing together. The couple who wasn’t in-the-know knows that acquaintance and I know friend and asked if friend was coming to the event. Acquaintance said, oh their daughter just committed suicide. The couple said they were so sorry to hear and would send a card. The conversation moved on from there.
I wouldn’t have said anything about cause of death, just that their daughter sadly died. But I’m not sure if I should’ve interjected with something like you suggest, or if that just invites further inquiry.
I would have interjected with something along the lines of “daughter tragically passed away, although my understanding is that it was not a suicide.”
I think you are doing your friends a kindness to correct the record
It is both incorrect and also wrong to say insofar as it may seem arguable, but I am not sure what you can do about what someone else is saying. It’s hard to overstate the stigma and misunderstanding surrounding EDs.
I really hate the double speak about death. I wish people would just be honest. My dad died of self inflicted alcohol related issues and I simply told people that no bs about a ‘tragic struggle’ or whatever. I’m a very literal person so I’m often perplexed until I manually try and read between the lines.
I think I’m missing how saying that he struggled with alcohol or alcoholism would not be literal and clear, unless your point is that there was no struggle so that part is BS? Often there was a struggle and a lot of suffering that no one would choose if they were making free choices.
It’s framing it as a battle versus just saying what it is.
I think when someone is grieving, people often try to convey how sudden or unexpected the loss was. I assume this is because when everything was fine until it wasn’t, the grieving may also be dealing with a lot of shock, and when it was a long drawn out loss, the grieving may be working through that experience whether they were caretakers, living with anticipatory grief, or whatever else was going on for a long time. I think this is generally not because people like to say a bunch of bs, but because they want to support and help people who are grieving and while every relationship and every loss is unique, a lot of losses are either very sudden and unexpected or highly expected and people have experienced with what that can be like.
I would leave it alone. You admittedly do not even know this isn’t what the parents want. You are not in charge of this.
+1
died by suicide is preferable to “committed”. Also, I don’t mind people telling the truth about people dying this way. I think it’s important for others to be aware of the struggles of our young people, that it’s not just other people, it’s everywhere. .Maybe just “she had mental illness for a long time and died by suicide.”
It’s not the truth though.
Arguably, an eating disorder is a slow suicide. But also, I don’t think it’s your place to police this.
Not everyone with an eating disorder is suicidal at all. I wouldn’t police the family, but the idea that people with eating disorders are all striving towards this outcome is very harmful in many healthcare contexts (and has harmed people I know).
It’s misleading to give the impression that someone struggling with an ED sat down one day, wrote a suicide note, and ended their life by some other means entirely. That doesn’t mean it needs to be policed by OP in their circles.
I understand that, but my painful lived experience is that an ED can be a slow suicide.
But it doesn’t sound like she died by suicide. My understanding was that she died as a result of the impacts of a ED. That’s not a suicide
I’m a little confused by the post – OP says it’s not “technically incorrect” to call it a suicide. I am not sure what that means in this context — that the daughter stopped eating and died or the suicide was a result of the ED struggle.
I think if it’s the later, I wouldn’t necessarily correct the friend but I would shut down any gossip or speculation that may follow by just saying something that recognizes how tragic this is. If it’s the former, I wouldn’t necessarily correct just correct the facts and say “actually it was an eating disorder” and then also just recognize how hard this is just be for the parent.
It’s the former of your examples. By the time of her passing, she was not physically capable of taking any affirmative actions that might have caused herself injury.
Can someone explain the thinking behind this wording? I hear it all the time and it just seems so passive. I think that’s why my mind gets caught up on the wording.
It’s meant to suggest the person had no agency.
When is that ever true though?
All the time? You always have agency.
I thought we were removing “committed” because it is associated with criminal or morally repugnant behavior.
I don’t think this is true at all. It’s meant to remove the stigmatizing effect of the word “committed,” which is typically used in connection with criminal activity. It fits in with commonly used phrasing “died by ___” or “died from ____.”
Thank you for saying this. Died from suicide is also acceptable.
I was confused at first b/c I thought you meant she was distraught over her ED and killed herself. But you mean she starved herself to death. I agree, suicide is the wrong term (unless the intent to die was there?). I’d still just say she lost her daughter and move on.
Saying this more visibly since it seems others are confused too – you’re correct, I’m not sure what the technical cause of death was, but I know her malnutrition had caused neurological problems like frequent seizures and that she’d been resuscitated multiple times. She died in the hospital under active medical care. On the day she passed, she did not take (and would not have been capable of taking) some action to harm herself. I do not know if she was even conscious at any point in her final days.
This is so distressing.
I would not be talking about her losing her battle so much as her medical team losing the battle
This is heartwrenching.
If you’re not sure then it’s not your place to say a damn thing.
I’d have just said, “actually she died from an eating disorder not suicide.”
+1
I also feel that it is right to say that someone died by suicide, when that is true.
My father attempted suicide when I was a child.
We need to talk about these things. It is ok to call them what they are.
It is good to remind people that eating disorders are serious and can lead to death.
OP, your post was quite confusing. I also thought she actively committed suicide perhaps from underlying depression contributing to her eating disorder or ??. So thanks for clarifying. Terrible situation.
I recently lost a family member to suicide. Personally, I would prefer it is people were more open about something like this. It’s such an awful tragic thing but I think it’s more common than we realize because it’s such a taboo and no one wants to talk about it.
Dying as a result of actions you take against your body is suicide. This is just a very slow and painful example.
(I had an eating disorder for many years, and I would describe my behaviors during that time as suicidal. Death was a more preferable alternative to being fat in my mind. Therapy and treatment worked, if you are struggling with something similar!)
That being said, I would neeeever impose that determination on another person or offer it up in this circumstance. I’m sharing it just because I think it is helpful to understand that different people may view their own EDs differently. But that is for the person, or in this case their immediate survivors, to decide, not other people, and starting a debate would not be constructive.
Thanks for adding this. I think it’s harder to sort out for some people since mental illness symptoms can be caused by nutritional deficiencies that can happen when people are malnourished. Honestly sometimes ED is entirely a misdiagnosis of symptoms that are arising from another condition that doctors missed and there was no mental health aspect that wasn’t secondary to the disordered eating. But none of the debates matter for this family now. I agree I’d just follow the lead of the people who are grieving.
Serious question if this is the definition. A smoker who dies 30 years later of lung cancer died by suicide?
Obviously not, but a heroin addict who dies of an overdose arguably has killed themselves. (Idk if I’d use suicide, but certainly “has killed themselves”).
I think the legal concept of proximate cause here is helpful. If the acts are deliberate, close in time to the death, and directly causative of the death, and if death was a very foreseeable/probable result of the acts, I think a person can view it as suicide or not suicide based on their own perspective.
I think this way of thinking is messed up. Would you really apply this logic e.g. to a diabetic who didn’t survive the complications of hyperglycemia caused by something they ate just because that was an act that was deliberate and close in time and directly causative?
I’m worried you’re putting a really heavy emphasis on “deliberate” here when a lot of severely addicted or severely ill people may be practically in a fugue state while acting.
As stated above, I have been treated for an eating disorder and view my eating disorder as a slow moving suicide that thankfully was interrupted in time.
I was absolutely not in a “fugue state”, and your take robs me of a lot of agency and is weirdly infantilizing. This viewpoint is very common, but also very much not universal, in recovery communities, and it’s pretty offensive to call it “messed up.”
I’m fine with describing mental health and substance abuse struggles as sickness. The morbidly curious and those who’d reserve compassion for people who die by other means can be confused. I don’t care. Everyone who really cares knew how her daughter died already.
first of all this is tragic and i am so sorry for your friend. secondly, do you know how your friend who lost their child is talking about it? thirdly, is the eating disorder common knowledge, like did the people asking where the friend was know that their daugther had an eating disorder? I think the first thing to say is that their daughter recently died or passed away. if the people who are asking, say something like “oh that’s terrible, what happened,” and the eating disorder is common knowledge, you can say that it was from the eating disorder. if they don’t ask what happened, it is not your job to volunteer any additional information. while yes, i realize very technically you can say that death by eating disorder = suicide, that is not exactly what comes to mind when i think of suicide. my heart breaks for her parents.
Consider whether you are actually helping the parents by clarifying the cause. Parents are often part of the problem when a child has an eating disorder, so being explicit may open the parents up to scrutiny they would prefer to avoid, whether fair (because they contributed to the issue) or unfair (and you are just inviting stigma).
The people who are going to judge a parent who’s child died as a result of a ED are also going to judge a parent who’s child committed suicide.
WHAT? This poor family lost their daughter – the worst pain anyone can experience -and you’re policing their exact terminology?
I’m sure the daughter was told innumerable times that this would kill her. People commit suicide in various ways, not all of which involve a gun, a knife, or pills.
Please don’t police this.
This is the most bizarre take. We’re policing the language to say maybe she didn’t knowingly commit a mortal sin and therefore casual acquaintances shouldn’t say she did?
Still thinking of suicide as a “mortal sin” in 2025 is the real bizarre take.
Well in my religion it is.
What a bummer religion, bro.
Umm it’s actually all major world religions.
Reading before commenting is a good way to ensure your current moments are a valuable contribution to the discussion. This is a PSA that applies to many, many visitors to this board, not just you. But also to you.
*comments, not “current moments”
I think you must not have read the entire comment? I’m not policing anything the family is saying?
I’m asking whether I should’ve spoken up when, in my presence and during a conversation I was also in, a casual acquaintance of the family told even more casual acquaintances that the death was a “suicide” even though the family has never used that word and is not commenting on the cause of death at all.
I think you would not have been out of line to say something like “actually the parents haven’t said exactly what happened and I don’t think we ought to speculate.”
Thank you. If this is too strong (if it’s possible the parents did say something), maybe “is that right?” or “I hadn’t heard that” would do enough.
My son just keeps rereading Harry Potter! Any suggestions for similar series for him? He’s 13 and otherwise intellectually curious and engaged.
Percy Jackson series
Lord of the Rings if he’s up for it
Nevermoor
Golden Compass series
All of Rick Riordan!
I loved the Percy Jackson books by him
Aw! I read these as a young adult and they were so fun and engaging.
Redwall, though he may be aging out of it.
My partner and I both read these around this age. He loved them and still does. I found them a bit slow, but still read all of them and remember them fondly.
My partner is still trying to get me to read Watership Down. I bought the copy and just keep staring at it.
If it helps to know, Watership Down is way less slow than Redwall or Lord of the Rings or Golden Compass (I didn’t even finish Redwall or Golden Compass) or even a lot of Harry Potter.
I loved Redwall, LOTR, Golden Compass, and Harry Potter when I was at that age. Watership Down, though? I tried reading it multiple times in middle school and didn’t actually make it all the way through until high school. That was the most dismal, horribly written book I encountered at that age. I still cannot fathom why people perpetuate it as a classic.
I’m one of those people who reads pretty much everything, but Watership Down is one of the books I’ve never wanted to read either. I love animals, but the one kind of book I almost always hate is books about animals. I think I’m still scarred by having to read Where The Red Fern Grows in elementary school!
There is truly a generation of us that were given Where the Red Fern Grows and Homeward Bound at way too early an age 😹
If it helps, Watership Down is very different from Where the Red Fern Grows. It’s more action rather than a sappy tale of a boy and his dog.
Ugh, I hated that book. I had to read it for school a few months after my brother and (separately) my dog died. I never did finish it.
It’s probably a comfort thing. I re-watch all of the movies at least twice per year. Take him to the library and let him search around.
Yeah it’s a comfort thing. My comfort read was a series of unfortunate events. I could get through a whole book in a day as a kid. I couldn’t even guess how many times I read them.
+1
To this day, re-reading old favorites is a total comfort habit for me.
Absolutely for me too
Miss Perigine’s home for peculiar children, Magic for liars, Earthsea, Holes. I feel like that age is also really into graphic novels, but I don’t know any specific ones to suggest.
I don’t really get what the problem is though if he wants to read Harry Potter over and over right now. If he enjoys reading, eventually he’ll pick up something else – and I think it will be way more effective than mom trying to suggest an other books while he’s enjoying reading HP.
I would think for reading, the thing you want to most overtly encourage is the habit of reading for enjoyment. You can covertly encourage other books – take him to bookstores and libraries with you and let him browse around, but I would just let him find something organically.
FWIW I love Harry Potter and re-read once a year, and I don’t like basically any other fantasy genre novels commonly recommended. Take or leave my advice – I have no kids but am a lifelong reader who reads all kind of random books.
The Charlie Bone series. Very similar to Harry Potter (kids with magical powers at a boarding school).
leave him alone. when i was in 7th grade i still liked reading the baby sitter’s club books, which were ‘below my reading level’ and my parents asked my teacher how they could get me to read different books and the teacher said, who cares, she’s reading. of course they did not listen, badgered me, and then i stopped reading for pleasure for a number of years. you can offer up alternatives or offer to take him to the bookstore or the library to ask a librarian or something for suggestions, but if he isn’t interested, let it be. this is not actually a problem that needs solving.
Hear, hear. Let kids read what they want.
My dad constantly tried to convince me to stop reading Sweet Valley High and I refused. I kept reading them even as they got a bit weird (the were wolf storyline, the killer twin.) Loved them. That said, I eventually gave them up and they didn’t really stand the test of time like Harry Potter will. I’d just leave them alone and take them to the library every now and then.
For a similar wizard vibe, Diane Duane’s Young Wizardy series. It pre-dates Harry Potter and is better and also more science fiction-y.
Agreed. Also books by Diana Wynne Jones are great. Try the Chrestomanci series. Or Howl’s Moving Castle.
OP – this may be the problem because he’s reading at a college level based on his Lexile score or whatever. He read all these books years ago (including LoTR). Maybe my question should be, how can he make the leap to more grown up books that are like HP?
But why does he need to? Even if his reading level is higher, he is still a child.
You may be able to find a list of books that preceded HP and helped established the genre (e.g. Diana Wynn Jones’ Chrestomanci books).
A lot of people have pointed out that HP unfolds like a mystery, so he may find that he enjoys detective fiction (I remember reading a lot of Father Brown when I was younger probably because it wasn’t particularly morbid for detective stories).
I agree with mysteries- The Westing Game, Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie. I’m sure there are some more contemporary ones that would also appeal to a 13 year old boy, though a lot of the ones I like feel more oriented to women (Maisie Dobbs, Louise Penny, Tana French). Depending on how you feel about violence and allusions to sex (not graphic), maybe CJ Box, Lee Child, John Sandford, or Ian Rankin?
Maybe just let him? He’s at the age where you’re starting to have to read enough assigned books for school that you just want something familiar and fun to relax with. And re-reading the whole series, you pick up on details that you overlooked in your first eager read.
At his age I too wallowed in some comfort food reading like Babysitters Club, Sweet Valley High (and Sweet Valley University lol). If he enjoys the mystery aspect of HP, maybe he’d enjoy Sherlock Holmes? But like, just as a “oh you might like this” kind of suggestion.
The Golden enclave trilogi by Naomi Novik, the Abhorsen series by Garth Nix
For Diana Wynne Jones I would go with Dark Lord of Derkholm and Year of the Griffin, or the Holst Castello books, but then I am not a big fan of her Chrestomanci books
Frontier Magic series by Patricia Wrede.
Maybe The Breaking the Wall series by Jane Lindskold
Good omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman – there you have two whole back-catalogue to explore if it resonate.
All still YA, but something else. And really good.
Have you just taken him to the library and dropped him in the fantasy/sci fi section? 13/14 is a great age to throw them into the young adult/adult section and let them explore messily… and start wading into adult themes.
I promise this is something he will figure out if he wants to read a different type or level of book. One of my greatest pleasures growing up was picking out my own books that my parents would or wouldn’t approve of. If he can read at a college level, this comfort read clearly isn’t holding his skills back.
this made me laugh.
1. my brother did the same at that age, and the series wasn’t even complete! He just kept rereading the first 3-4 and adding a new one every couple years as they came out. I remember him saying, “why would I read other books, I already know I like these ”
2. My 12 year old has a slightly larger library but rereads things alconstantly. In addition to Harry Potter, he likes Spy School series (and other Stuart Gibbs), Infinity Son series, all Rick Riordan, Wings of Fire series, a newer series that starts with The False Prince, and Fablehaven.
Your son is 13 and is reading for pleasure. Nothing to fix here! He’s already winning at reading.
Some people reread, and some do not. Some people rewatch movies and series, and some do not. As a rereader and rewatcher, there is both comfort and curiosity connected with rereading. In a series like HP which is action and mystery driven on the surface, there is also a lot of details, puns and jokes, pre-shadowing, world-building and nerdy little details. He is very possibly having a different experience in each reread.
Reading for pleasure is the best way for him to build a great and life-long reading habit, *what* he’s reading isn’t that important right now.
He might enjoy HP for the fantasy story element, but it could also be:
– self-sufficient children making their own decicions and living independently
– restoring order from chaos – most mystery/detective stories put something into order
– world categorization – the four houses and stereotypes can be interesting in terms of exploring how people are different
– world building – he might enjoy the massive amount of characters and history
– friendships and relationships – if he’s 13, there is still a lot to age along with in the books where the main characters start out 11 and end up 18.
If you do get an idea of what he’s enjoying, it would be easier to recommend something more. He might enjoy the Flavia de Luce mystery books (self-sufficient child protagonist, mystery). He might enjoy the Hobbit (world building), or Ivanhoe (historical) or The Three Musketeers (friendships, history)?
Late, but I want to add…I went with my tween son to an event with Stuart Gibbs, who is famous for his middle grade books, but also has written a couple things for adults. Someone asked him why he likes to write for middle grades so much, and he responded, “because no adult has ever told me ‘I read your books 12 times!'” It is such A Thing at that age to reread. I would be zero concerned about breaking your son out of this rut. He’ll be forced to read more diverse lit in school, and eventually he’ll get curious about the rest of the library. Also? I’ve read HP three times (once as it came out starting when I was in middle school, again as an adult, and most recently aloud to my kids) and never got bored with it. It has good writing, good world building, and big themes. If he’s going to get stuck on a series, that’s an excellent choice!
Random question for those of you who went to huge (800+ people in a class) high schools. If your kid is in the top half or third or quarter, life will still be OK and they can still go to a good college. I know this is true but kiddo is taking being #250/850 roughly, like she won’t get into the programs she wants to at State U, etc. It doesn’t help that she knows I did well at a smaller (200) school that I swear was a lot less cutthroat and her cousins just can’t believe that she has to rush to grind out a salutatorian speech (in our city but in a graduating class of 50).
What’s the question?
My high school GPA was under a 3.0 but I still managed to get into a state school, get good internships, get a master’s degree, and maintain steady employment. There’s always a path for people if they do a little planning and work. HS GPA matters if you need to go to an Ivy league school right out of HS, but otherwise there are other ways to figure out your life.
Whether she will get in to state U or not really depends on the state. Personally, I would look at the admission stats and have a conversation with her with some hard data.
It can feel like the first time doors are closing to you and that is a rough feeling.
It is a rough feeling, but it’s an incredibly important thing to understand that once you leave the nest, every choice you make means the rejection of another choice. And even worse (as an adult, too) some decisions make other decisions for you.
Yes. And also: you have agency to make your decisions and find alternate paths to your goals if the obvious and initial ones appear to be closed or closing. Proximity to your goals often helps achieve them. So if you don’t get into, say, UVA, you may find that taking a summer class there scratches the itch or that it connects you to people who talk you through transferring or find that you like your alternatives just find once you get there and then you plot your path forward. Plenty (most?) of people take meandering paths that are full of meaning to them and are just find.
+1000 to finding alternate paths to goals. There’s the straight through path that academic and career counselors can tell you all about, but TONS of people don’t take a straight through path.
For example: my cousin wanted to be a nurse since the time she was in high school. She had top grades. CNA while in high school and worked all through college. She went to undergrad. Applied for the nursing school, didn’t get it. (Super common, nursing schools are crazy competitive). So she transferred to a tech school, got different version of nursing degree. Then did some undergrad nursing courses, then got in to the undergrad program she hadn’t before. Finished her undergrad nursing degree. Did a masters nursing degree. Became an Assistant Director of Nurses when she was under 30, DON around age 30, now in late 30s and she’s been promoted and is the boss of DONs across a regional area. She got an award last year that her facility nominated her for; and she had some news story about her. She’s clearly super successful. But she didn’t get into nursing school straight out of high school. It was a very roundabout path to get there, but she got there.
Alternatively, I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. I had the grades and LSAT score, the datapoints said I could have gotten in…found this site when I was an undergrad senior year of high school and (comments here, among other reasons) didn’t go to law school. Thank goodness that I didn’t just keep going straight through because I love my career in speciality environmental contracting.
My advice for any young person or parent of a young person – remember paths don’t have to be straight, you just have to keep walking.
Sure that sucks for Type A parents and kids who want straight paths and certainty, but that’s just not how life is a lot of the time.
This makes me very glad to not have kids, I would not know how to parent in a situation like this. I would offer empathy and encouragement but it would feel hollow.
I’m a parent and it’s actually no that hard when you do have unmanageable anxiety your refuse to treat
My comment wasn’t coming from the perspective of anxiety. I was just top of everything (academic, not social) so I would definitely feel like I was providing platitudes (or outright lying) especially when my very average siblings and cousins are not nearly as successful.
Then I too am glad you aren’t having kids
Wow.
Haha, I know times are different to some extent now but I am not that ancient and I couldn’t tell you my rank in high school or college. I was never that motivated, my parents didn’t do much to help me navigate school past the first years of elementary when they made sure I knew how to read and write and do basic long division/multiplication, and I still managed to be successful and work with lots of more type A people who worried about all of this stuff and it seems to have worked out just fine both ways. Life isn’t always shaped by high school.
I think so many things matter more than class rank for college admissions, plenty of colleges are moving away from considering it. Do they have good extra curriculars that provide leadership experience (volunteering, clubs, sports, working, etc), how is their overall GPA, and are they going to be well prepped to write a solid essay.
Pls for the love of god stop posting your anxiety about your totally normal
Child and get meds
OP, please take this to heart just one time. This cannot go on – it’s not good for you.
I don’t think this is the normal college anxiety poster. It sounds different to me. And I though her kids were in middle school?
What? I cannot follow this.
She’s just again spiraling. It’s sad for her kids
Please stop anxiety dumping about college.
Also, I promise that she will be JUST FINE despite not being the top student in her class. The world will still turn.
I’m in the opposite boat, I did really well and can’t convince my kid it matters.
They might not want your life.
But they will certainly expect Mommy to fund their future
I mean, it’s a possibility. Or they might look at their community and think “I can’t live this way.” Not everyone has this thought during their midlife crisis, sometimes it comes earlier.
Well, if you are the Anonymous at 10:24, time to get your child working. Summer jobs, not camps. More chores at home. Learn the value of a dollar. Teach about saving, compounding, and basic investing. And tell them flat out… “remember, we have $. You do not”
Our HS is only 350 kids per class but they don’t rank for exactly this reason. My husband’s private school was a class of 90 and they also did not rank.
That makes no sense. Colleges look at the percentile rank.
You do know how percentages work, right? If the denominator gets bigger (i.e., a bigger class) then the numerator will also be bigger. It doesnt matter if there are 100 or 1000 kids in her class, top 10% is top 10% (and 25%, 50%, etc.). If your kid was #250 in a class of 850, they would have been around #60 in a class of 200 like yours. You can actually compare her to yourself or her cousins at smaller schools, but more importantly, why would you? Parent the kid you have.
You need to talk to her about making choices and doing her homework. She can ask teachers or guidance counselors about her chances to get into programs – get some reliable Intel instead of speculation. She can think about what it would take to get her grades up. Does she want to put in more effort? Would it come at the expense of other activities?
+1
This. Is her rank the result of simply not taking weighted courses? Is she not getting As? Is that because she doesn’t put in the effort or because she doesn’t understand the material and needs a tutor?
I think your daughter actually will turn out to have some serious lifelong issues not because of her grades but because of her mother’s overbearing anxiety.
Agreed
Amen.
If your kid wants to place higher, it’s something she can work on, right? If she’s just catastrophizing, that’s not helpful, but if she’s competitive and believes that placing higher will make life easier in the future, that’s actionable.
Is she a straight-A student at one of those schools where everyone gets an A in everything and class rank is solely determined by how many AP courses you take? Or does she get a lot of Bs?
Yes she can still go to a good college. My daughter was at the top of her class, had stellar SAT scores, and was accepted to our flagship state U’s very competitive honors program, but chose to take a merit scholarship to a SLAC with something like a 50% admit rate instead. The SLAC is very highly ranked in her major and has an excellent career and grad school placement record in the field. The kids there are all much smarter and more motivated than the kids at her high school and she’s having the time of her life. She is also making great connections with faculty and having experiences that will set her up for career and grad school success that would not be open to undergrads at a larger university where grad students would be competing for those same opportunities.
I love hearing about outcomes like this. Well done, I hope she continues to have the time of her life pursuing her chosen career.
My kids’ school is like this. So many weighted classes that even an “honors” track kid with all As will be behind kids in the IB program (all classes weighted) and even behind the AP kids (schedule conflicts can leave them with a class here and there that only has a 4.0 A vs a 4.5 or 5.0 A). It’s a really harsh reality for these kids to live in, a total pressure cooker for those with State Flagship or Bust in their heads. The kids who who better, mental-health-wise and generally, have parents who tell them early that there are many paths to their futures, that they should apply to a broad bunch of schools, and not worry that State Flagship will only take 40-50 of them each year (so <5% of the class). OOS colleges, SLACs, etc. are all OK. I was OOS but most of my high school was SLAC or party school attendees and decades later, we are all OK.
Caveat that I graduated from high school 30 years so – I had a very large graduating class. I have no idea what my rank was. My state school is a huge Big Ten school. I graduated and got a job. I’m not a lawyer but I make a good living and can pay my bills and generally like my job.
It’s important that your child develop good critical thinking skills regardless of where she goes to school. Re – the other post about asking questions without doing any work on your own.
Bigger high schools have opportunities that smaller ones do not.
It’s probably worth talking to her about how she gets to take auto shop or AP economics or join the badminton team (or whatever else isn’t available at her cousin’s tiny schools) to balance out the big fish small pond. Finding something she loves and is passionate about is more important than being valedictorian and will serve her better in the long term.
My company is restructuring, and I will now be reporting to the C suite. This is a bit of a stretch for me. The culture is competitive, and I’m fairly confident I will be let go in 2-3 months unless I prove my value (I have watched this happen to others). I am a generalist who has been on a few different teams, so I don’t have a niche skillset or managerial experience to lean into. Does anyone have advice on how to stick the landing during uncertainty? I have a one-on-one chat coming up with my soon-to-be manager, and I’m not sure how to position myself – basically I want to say “I can be useful, I’m open to doing lots of different jobs” but in a professional/confident way.
This is something I would consider hiring an executive coach for, on my own dime. I am not sure you can get enough advice here to make a difference.
AI can help you role play for these difficult conversations. You can prompt it to say “I’m going into a difficult conversation with my boss about my future. I want to say XYZ. Please write me 5 bullets to outline this conversation and specify my expertise in ABC.”
Great idea, thank you!
Glad my grandkids will face water wars so you could avoid having to use your own words for a basic management conversation, thanks for that
I’m not even that gung-ho about AI, but this bit is getting really old and boring.
Nah. People using AI because they’re lazy deserve to be shamed.
We’ve had water wars in this country for decades.
Start by not catastrophizing. You likely have no idea why others were actually let go unless you were involved in those situations. People don’t put people into positions wanting them to fail. Get an understanding of how to work with your new boss and talk to people who’ve successfully reported to that person. Talk to them often and bounce ideas off them first. Go into this planning to succeed.
Agree with the end of this – but why assume she is catastrophizing? Why not trust her lived experience at her company?
Because my experience is such that I know most people have no idea what really is going on in termination situations. They think they do, but they rarely have it right.
100% As someone who just let go a senior leader yesterday, I have heard a lot of folks’ take on what’s going on and they’re pretty much all wrong.
Because this site loves to invalidate people’s legitimate concerns.
Thanks, I am planning on doing everything I can to set myself up for success. The executive I’ll be reporting to is brilliant but also quick to fire/demote. I’m acknowledging the reality – I have significantly less job security now than before – while taking steps to remain competitive.
Lots of facetime. Executive presence coaching. Dress up every day. Work product matters way less in these situations than most people assume.
This is so true. Brush up on presentation slides. Beautiful.ai is great but there are other options out there.
Clothing wise I keep it monochrome and muted. It’s similar to what they call quiet luxury but I don’t buy a lot or spend much on individual pieces.
Personally I wouldn’t go into the first conversation selling myself with my new manager. I would be asking them lots of questions about their goals and how I can help them achieve their goals. I would then look to nail down your goals along with clearly defined objectives of what you are doing that your new manager signs off on. I would get an executive coach with c suite experience (someone retired) who can help you quickly learn how to navigate at this level. It’s very different in some ways.
I agree with not assuming this is a catastrophe. If they didn’t want to keep you they would have laid you off with the reorg.
This is exactly my advice.
Any advice for disclosing a pregnancy / negotiating maternity leave at a startup? It’s a small org (<35 people) so my understanding is that FMLA does not apply. Unfortunately we are too small to have a dedicated HR department and I will be the first to be taking leave (so no codified policy in the employee handbook). Would appreciate any advice from those who may have been in a similar situation.
Check your state’s paid leave laws and disability protections. A handful of states have paid leave now (a pittance) and some have better job protections than FMLA. Be prepared to do all your own research and for your org to give you misinformation due to their inexperience. Ask me how I know.
Agreed. Treat it like any other negotiation! You need to have all of the information and know what you want and why you should get it.
Yes, you should go to them with a proposed plan, don’t ask them to propose something to you.
+1. A close friend of mine did a lot of research. She presented it as “here’s what’s standard in our state and industry. This will help us remain competitive as we look to expand our team.” She framed it as doing HR a favor to help build out the official policy.
Thank you. This is my planned approach (presenting research and benchmarks). Positioning this research as a favor to the org is a great approach.
Thank you. Unfortunately my state doesn’t have paid leave (and the disability protections are minimal). Will confirm I have researched this correctly and appreciate the advice!
Yes, know the law but also be practical if this is a job you want to keep. At a startup, they aren’t going to be flush with cash to pay you off if they screw up and will be more inclined to fire you if they feel like it. If you need the job, plan for the shortest leave possible and I’d be open to making it a working leave. Plenty of people with their own businesses do this before you come at me. The idea of turning it all off for months is a luxury you likely don’t have here.
No, do not do this. This kind of preparatory “teehee it’s ok, you don’t need to respect my legal rights, I’m just glad to have a job at all LOL” crap is terrible for women. Take the leave you’re entitled to. It won’t be much anyway.
She might not be entitled to any leave
Sure, she may not. But planning BEFORE SHE KNOWS THAT to do a “working leave” is stupid.
Tell me you have no experience with startups without telling me.
I work at one! It’s more of an established small business by this point, but let’s just say many of the HR policies are…haphazard. I took the full amount of paid leave afforded by my state, plus the disability leave I was entitled to. Then I took unpaid time on top of that. No regrets, I’m back at work, and while we’re negatively affected by DOGE, I’m doing better than ever with the prime jobs on contracts and the positive client relationships to show for it. You CAN take leave and still succeed in small business world. I’m only one data point showing it.
Idk who in the US is taking “months” of paid leave, unless by months you mean 2 months? Eight weeks isn’t 2 months. A “generous” mat leave of 12 weeks isn’t even 3 months. When you say “months” of leave it sounds like you mean many months not less than 3.
Yes, I’m in the US and all my peers have routinely taken 6 months of paid leave. That’s common at large employers.
It’s certainly not common at law firms!
That’s fantastic and I hope it spreads across the US, but for another datapoint I’m in the midwest and that is not common at all at small employers, schools or local government agencies in my area. I don’t think I know anyone at all who got 6 months paid leave. 3 months, combo of paid and unpaid, seems to be most common.
This is absolutely not common.
Oof definitely not common. My company provides 6 months of paid leave and it was a major outlier among my peers.
Californians can go out on months of mat leave if they want because of public policy supporting Californians who are pregnant and new parents.
Californians who give birth are entitled to partially paid (through the state) 6 weeks disability leave then partially paid 6 weeks of bonding leave. That makes 12 weeks partially paid leave after the birth. In addition, one can go out on partially paid disability at 36 weeks for a routine pregnancy, making 16 weeks of partially paid leave for a routine pregnancy for a baby born at 40 weeks. Plus an additional 6 weeks of unpaid bonding leave.
No direct experience with maternity, but lots of experience working in a company of that size. Now in leadership at a small company that size. My biggest advice is to go into the conversation not expecting them to have a plan or immediately handle it perfectly. Yes in a perfect world all employers would always handle everything perfectly immediately, but realistically they probably won’t be ready and if you try and frame the conversation as needing an answer immediately, you’re probably not going to get the best answer.
I would let them know what is going on, and then let them know how much time you want to take off for maternity leave. Tell them you understand this is the first time someone in the company is taking leave, and you’ll give them a few days to figure out figure out what they can do on their end. And then follow up in a few days to ask if they’ve gotten a chance to decide how they want to handle it.
Thank you for this take. I absolutely expect the org to have zero plans for the approach, so my hope is that the more proactive I can be the better likelihood of negotiating my preferred leave plan. Helpful advice that the org may need time to figure out how to meet those needs and not push for an agreement too quickly.
I work at a startup and my friend was the first to take maternity leave when we were small and not eligible for FMLA yet. She looked at state policies, looked at what competitor startups offered and looked at what the types of companies we were recruiting from offered (often on their websites or Glassdoor). She then made a proposal based on what we would need to offer as a standard to ensure we are competitive in the talent market with our peers/the companies we are recruiting from. We ended up with 16 weeks of paid leave which is aligned with most of the startups in our industry/area. Good luck.
Not the same, but start big if you are critical. I work with a startup that has one engineer, and he asked to “work remotely” from Europe for 3.5 weeks with 2 weeks notice.
My interim role included supervising him, and he worked about 10 hours/week at most. They were super grumpy about it but terrified to say no. (FWIW, it also was a waste of money in that I didn’t have to supervise him for a month in which they contractually had to pay me- but not my fault!).
I am going through my closet. Cloth pouches, to me, seem to read as “personal items,” like pads, toiletries carried in another bag, etc. Waterproof pouches read as either camping or travel for liquids and maybe makeup. Only leather or beaded pouches seem to be purse-equivalents. Yes? I am just trying to categorize so many items and decide what is realistic to keep and for what.
I would sort by the way you use them, not by fabric. Are you trying to decide where to put them, or how to categorize them? Or both?
All of the above. I have an out of town wedding where I need a small bag to go with my dress. A cloth bag matches perfectly but doesn’t really seem like anything but something you’d use for organization in a larger bag. It is the sort of thing that might hold your tampons, advil, etc., but it’s big enough to be a clutch. It is quilted fabric and just seems like it’s not a purse-equivalent. I can’t put my finger on it.
A beaded cloth bag of similar size, clearly purse-like. I’m using it as such.
But if I have 10+ “interior bags”, then it will bring home that I should rank them and vote some off the island and bring to Goodwill.
For me, a bag clearly matching the dress would not read toiletries, regardless of the material. It would read like a very intentional accessory.
Maybe you could add a sparkly brooch or something?
Those categories seem reasonable, but don’t get bogged down in sorting. If you don’t use it, does it really matter what category it falls under? Just get rid of it
+1
If you don’t like it or need it, set it free.
Huh? Clutches meant to be used as standalone purses can be made of all sorts of things – pretty fabric, raffia, leather.
If it’s a flimsy zipper pouch with no structure then yes, it’s a “interior tote organizer” bag.
I genuinely do not think anyone but you will notice, let alone care, how you use pouches, so just keep the ones you like and ditch the rest.
Seriously!
I feel like I’ve come across information somewhere about attachment styles and handling marital conflict – but I’m not sure I have the right search terms. Is an “anxious avoidant” partnership a thing or did I make that up? Looking for resources on the dynamic where one partner is more type A/can verge controlling and the other shuts down the more partner #1 controls.
Following for resources, this sounds a bit like my relationship. I have to bite my tongue a lot and really pick my battles.
There are three attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. Google attachment styles romantic relationships and you’ll get some basics. The foundational book is called _Attached_ by Amir Levine, but attachment theory is everywhere explaining everything now.
https://www.columbiapsychiatry.org/news/how-attachment-styles-influence-romantic-relationships
You are on the internet, can’t you google this?
Hello! Am planning a vacation with DD and considering combining these places. DD loves the outdoors, hiking, etc. Both of us love bookstores and thrifting. Am thinking we’d go Mon-Fri and rent a car; we haven’t been to these places before. Any suggestions? Thank you in advance!
You could definitely spend the entire 4 nights in the Jackson area. I would save Utah for a different trip.
Same, and SLC is very boring. If you want to do that, combine it with Park City.
If you go to Park City, the Christian Center on Deer Valley Drive is a great thrift store. A location with different items opened in Kimball Junction off of I-80, but I haven’t been there yet. They have a Facebook page that is helpful and updated regularly.
Agreed! You’d spend a whole day in there driving.
Are you traveling on Monday and Friday? If so then that’s only two of five days that you’re in one place for a whole day; you’re traveling 3/5 days of the trip. I’m all about fast-paced travel but that’s a lot even for me.
Eat at Persephone in Jackson – so good!
I keep planning two part vacations, and we keep being disappointed with the second location. So I agree with everyone else and just plan on staying in the Jackson Hole area.
i think either you go to jackson hole or to park city (not salt lake). there is enough to do for 4 days in either place.
This is such a specific question, but we are in the middle of a bathroom renovation and I have to pick medicine cabinets. All the ones I’m looking at are lovely frameless ones with beveled edges, but the reviews all talk about the edges chipping within the year, or the doors pulling off the hinges.
Does anyone have one they like? I would even take a nice looking frame, but they don’t seem to be the trend right now and harder to find. Would like to keep it to around $300 or less each. Durability is the main priority.
I skipped them entirely and use drawers in the vanity instead. Real mirrors and lighting look so much better and I don’t miss them at all.
Same. Only useful in truly tiny bathrooms where storage is at a premium (e.g., pedestal sink; no closet). I’d get a lovely mirror and then maybe a nail-on cabinet or something I could mount to a wall that looks good (A Glass of Bovino’s bathroom pictures are drool-worthy and it started out as a basic tract house bathroom IIRC).
I see that. We are recessing them and doing separate lights so hopefully they will look okay. All we could fit was a 60” vanity, with three drawers in the middle and clearly limited counter space, so I am trying to maximize storage as much as possible. Toothbrushes, lotions, contact stuff could all go up there, and we have had and loved the functionality of med cabinets before.
But I take your point, and maybe the answer is they don’t make durability at my price point so figure something else out
And not that 60” is tiny… But we only have one linen closet for our family of 6 so I am trying to make the most out of our space. But appreciate the input either way!
I LOVE having medicine cabinets, especially when they are recessed like you are planning. Don’t skip them! Ours are from the brand Robern, and they have been great.
I’d see if you could just do them on the sides as a flush cabinet instead of a mirrored combo. You’d need your contractor to do that custom but it’s not hard. Leave the space in front for a real mirror. You’d probably be able to get one on each side of the wall if you do it this way.
Our medicine cabinet is built in on the side of the sink into the wall, I think like you’re describing, and just looks like a cabinet. The mirror is in front. Works great for us and looks better than the standalone options. Might be worth looking into, at least.
Yes, 11:33 that’s what I’m trying to describe. I’ve seen that in a lot of bathrooms and it looks so much better.
I would do one sink so you have extra storage and counter space. The number of times I’m fighting for sink use with my husband in the course of a year is like, 2?
I am too! We were advised to remove it and drywall over, or leave it as open shelving, and went with drywall. The vanity had a knee space and was lower for the makeup area, so we raised it and filled that space in with drawers.
My main mirror over the sink swings open to a medicine cabinet, so I don’t have a separate one. Mine is the kohler verdera, but it’s over your budget. I had beveled edge ones before in apartments and I swear I have never had issues with chipping or doors pulling off though.
I will look it up! The budget is a little squishy; while we have contractors here to do the install I’d rather spend more on something that lasts.
I’d been looking at the Kohlers at the big box stores and those were the ones that were getting mixed reviews. Maybe going up a bit in price point helps
I can’t remember the name now but we also have a Kohler one in a bathroom that sounds like what you’re looking for and it’s been fine for 8-9 years now? There is some very tiny wear on the bottom edge of the mirror but it isn’t noticeable except for when I am doing a deep clean and actually looking. Door has been fine and we aren’t all that gentle with it (it’s in the kids’ bath). I think it was probably not their cheapest model but I don’t remember it being too expensive either.
We have a Kohler 60 in. W x 26 in. H three door medicine cabinet that we purchased from Home Depot in 2021. It doesn’t look like it’s available anymore, but we haven’t had any chips or anything. I LOVE it. I have drawers in my vanity but I love the medicine cabinet storage so much more. Ours has mirrors on both the inside and outside, which is really nice for getting ready – I angle the mirrors around to see the back of my head.
In 2021 it was $462, however a quick google search is showing the options to be much more expensive now. West Elm has a few nice options but they’re about $1200.
I have one from kohler in my kids’ shared bath. Keep in mind my house is scandi modern so it’s pretty sleek and minimal. It’s mirrored inside and seems sturdy. I can’t remember if I bought it with the kohler fixtures at the plumbing supply store.
I honestly love a medicine cabinet and I think they are due for a renaissance! But I can see where the cheaper kind wouldn’t hold up well. I just had a bathroom remodeled and had the contractor save and reinstall the mirrored Robern recessed medicine cabinet that had been there for two decades — it’s a sleek style that has remained current, and it still looks brand new. I’d also look at Kohler for less expensive but still well made options.
+1 to Robern.
A friend baked 60 cupcakes for my husband’s birthday party the other week. Like, professional, Pinterest-worthy cupcakes. How can I say thank you? I’m afraid I was rather frazzled during the party and didn’t thank her adequately.
Send a thank you note. I’m not sure anything else is needed, though I’d keep this in mind when her birthday rolls around. I’d get her something more than my standard bottle of bubbly.
I’d also send her something along the lines of flowers, a nice bottle of wine or gift card to a nice restaurant. If she has a business I’d also leave a very nice review.
I would send an effusive thank you note in the mail and some spectacular flowers, and follow up with an invitation to lunch or drinks or dinner, my treat.
was it as a favor to you or as a gift to him? If the latter “happy 60th! I brought cupcakes!” Then a sincere thank-you is fine, flowers and/or dinner are awkward overkill.
Was it “what can i bring?” “how about dessert?” and she showed up with amazing cupcakes she made herself, then I’d just make sure you follow up with a text saying you and the guests are still talking about them!
Was she an uninvited guest that did you a solid? Flowers.
Help me shop! I’m looking for a tan leather flat that I can wear to work but that also works in casual settings (for example, dinner with friends). One example that I like is this, but it’s not the right color (too brown) https://www.cparavano.com/products/square-toe-sleek-slingback-flats-felicia-f11c-1
I like that a lot! I need wider shoes, so I got the Vionic Klara in tan and quite like it.
This is probably too casual for work but I saw in person recently and they are very cute IRL: https://www.madewell.com/p/womens/shoes/flats-loafers/ballet-flats/the-remy-mary-jane-flat-in-straw/NV814/?ccode=EE7606
Wowza — I saw a picture of Lea Salonga at the Tony awards. It has been maybe . . . decades since I have seen her (or a current picture). Her voice is memorable — maybe Miss Saigon is what may be familiar to people. At any rate, she has not aged a day. It is amazing and she looks great (and can we ask about her secrets? I feel like Broadway singers aren’t going the obvious surgery route like reality TV people do, and she looks so fantastic and natural). Dorian Gray is real???
She’s a beautiful woman and looks fantastic. I have no idea what her secrets are. For myself I think a facelift is in the future so I like to think women like this have had great work done.
If I had to guess, it would be any of:
*Outstanding plastic surgery
*Expensive skin care (laser resurfacing, routine facials, expensive serums, probably a dermatologist who guides her)
*Years of taking very good care of herself
*This is NOT a critique: she has a medium build. As we age, we lose fat in our faces and it makes people look drawn, tired, etc., and exacerbates wrinkles. Having some “extra” body fat really helps.
*Great makeup
*A good haircut and nice hair
Bernadette Peters is pushing 80 – she drank the potion. Lea was very young when she did Miss Saigon; she’s only 54.
+1
She also has great genetics. That is 90% of the game.
I saw Old Friends In LA recently and Lea just about stole the show right out from under Bernadette (who was awesome)!
Hopefully a fun question for folks… we like to dream about owning a vacation home down the road, but can’t seem to agree on where…
Assume budget is very generous. The main criteria are:
*Location: must be within a 30 min. drive of an airport that’s within a 1.5 hour direct flight from Philly, OR within a 4ish-hour drive of Philly.
* Surroundings: Prefer something that has a cute town nearby, with a critical mass of restaurants/shops.
*Water type: Preferably beach, but open to lake or river.
*Climate: I’m thinking the farther north the better? Prefer no super hot or humid weather, and also thinking about adaptability to climate change
*Politics/culture: nothing south of VA, no red states (purple ok), prefer proximity to a decent size town for cultural events
And no Jersey Shore!
Here are the options we’re considering, but open to others:
*Kennebunkport (quick direct flight to Portland from Philly. Cute town, plus you have Portland too)
*Rhode Island (various towns; some are within 4 hours driving)
*Cape Cod (there are direct flights but only in-season; would probably be annoying to get there off-season)
*Martha’s Vineyard (ditto)
*Hudson River Valley (never been, but open to exploring.. is there enough to do with no beaches?)
*Delaware beaches (never been. do these get as crowded as south Jersey beaches? Are the towns cute/have things to do?)
*Chesapeake area (but how do we feel about climate/climate risks… I imagine summers quite hot and buggy? Does this area feel very conservative?)
If I were in Philly to DC, would 10/10 get a place walkable to the boardwalk in Rehoboth Beach.
i would not. depends if you like boardwalk type “towns” or more cute/coastal towns. also, OP if you cannot spend like your whole summer there, i would not chose a place you have to fly to. driving is infinitely easier
+1 re the flying. You will get infinitely more use out of this house if you do not have to fly.
+1 to not flying. We have a second home and I can’t imagine dealing with it from a flight away. You want to be able to use it and get there easily. I’d limit the search to nowhere farther than two hours away by car.
Agree. We had a ski condo that was a 6 hour drive and tge drive was a big deterrent.
I would not buy if I could afford to rent a fabulous place in each of these cities on a whim whenever a cultural event or break at work inspired me!
It’s hard for me to envision picking in a vacuum like this. The only places we’ve considered a second home are those we’ve visited 5+ times because we love them, not just speculating.
Lewes and Rehoboth are both very cute DE towns that tick your restaurants and shops criteria.
I would be hesitant to rely on smaller towns that currently have direct PHL flights since who knows if they will last. Airlines review demand all the time and cancel small and unprofitable routes. Like, Miami is really only 2.5 hours but a lot more reliable to get to.
Good point re: direct flight routes not being dependable.
What about the Delaware River towns, like Frenchtown, PA or Lambertville/New Hope, or Jim Thorpe, PA? I think you are undervaluing proximity to your main residence.
And yes, the Chesapeake Bay is hot and buggy in the summer. Not like Florida, but more so than Philly.
PS – I would also consider Cape May if you haven’t been there
I don’t think I understand having this kind of conversation about towns you’ve never even spent time in! I’d turn this list into a getaway bucket list and then have fun visiting them all, seeing which ones I enjoyed and wanted to go back to.
+1.
Yes! The proper course of action is to plan a dreamy vacation THEN fantasize about beach houses as you peer through the real estate agency’s windows, ice cream cones in hand. And I like Kennebunkport.
If easy access is a priority, not the Vineyard.
Even if there are direct flights, they will be at very limited times. Picking a different location would give you a lot more flexibility, because there would be multiple direct flights, options to drive if you can’t find the time you want, etc.
Sure, you can take the car ferry over, but that has to be booked in advance, has limited departures, etc.
What about Newport RI?
Direct flight from Philly may be a problem in the future. Comment from somebody living in a city with a small airport, who had direct flights to Philly that were great but no longer. Direct flights have since gone to first La Guardia, then JFK, then Washington Reagen, then Newark, and now Washington Dulles.
Your town choices make me think you want to rent out when you do not use it. Otherwise, if it is something you are going to use yourself, you need to consider places that are a short drive away, even 4 hours is really too long a drive for a second home because it is difficult to do just for a weekend. A plane ride away is definitely not a good idea for a second home you will use frequently.
yes, unless money is no object, for a second home you want to use frequently i’d do 2-3 hours max. if you are able to go there for 2-3 months at a time, the calculus i think is a bit different. my in-laws have a second home and it is about 3 hours from them, but at this stage in their lives, they basically go for June, July & August. My MIL has always gone for the summer, but now my FIL too. other times of year they go for like 1 long weekend about every 6 weeks.
I grew up along the Chesapeake and would not consider the area for a dream home–though I enjoy long weekends occasionally.
Don’t do Kennebunkport if you can’t afford $6,000,000+ for one of the houses up on the cliffs on Ocean Ave. The town has done thorough modeling (available on their website), and most of the waterfront homes are expected to be either underwater or regularly flooded in the next 20 years. And even if you can afford the cliff houses – the road to get to them has been washed out and rebuilt twice since Dec 2023. Climate change is real.
Thanks, this is really helpful – was not aware.
My uncle passed away suddenly, and I’m planning to fly down to their city for the service next week. I haven’t been to a funeral as an adult yet, particularly not for close family. Should I bring something? Offer to help in some way? I’m planning to stay one night at a hotel near their house, and I want to show my support as much as I can.
Who are you there to mainly support? Cousins or aunt (or both)? Your parent? Asking because supporting the immediate family (aunt, cousins esp if they still live at home) is different than supporting your parent (who lost their sibling, if it is their sibling not SIL).
My grandma passed away a couple of weeks ago, and one of my cousins ordered a bunch of takeout (sandwiches, fries, polenta, nothing healthy) to the place where the wake was being held. It was offered to everyone, but was really to feed our grandpa, who refused to leave the viewing room. After the service, all the kids and grandkids returned to his house, and we ate the reheated leftovers, bread, and cold cuts someone picked up on the way. I was very reassured, seeing that we would still gather around the table in her absence.
I guess my advice is to bring food and be present, but that may not be very helpful if food is already a staple in funerals or wakes in your culture, and the people planning it would be on top of it.
I’m sorry for your loss.
The answers to your questions depend so much on what your uncle’s family is like, how people in your family or their social group observe funerals, and what your relationship with the family is.
In my family, a cousin might volunteer for airport pickups/drop offs, to pick up catering, to ferry flower arrangements to someone’s house after the funeral, etc. Will one of your parents be at the funeral and know more, and can you ask them would you need to do or could do?
Since you don’t live in the city and you’re there for a very short time, there may not be much you can do to help, and it truly just matters that you came. And that matters a lot. The fact that my cousins would fly in for my dad’s funeral would be very meaningful to me, even if they didn’t raise a finger to help with anything.