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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Brandy Snakeskin-Print Button-Down Silk Blouse

A woman wearing a green snakeskin-print blouse and black pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This green snakeskin blouse from Kobi Halpern is a gorgeous twist on the typical animal print. I'd love to see this with one of the many leather skirts I’ve seen floating around this season, if that would fly in your office. If not, a black trouser would be perfect.

The blouse is $398 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes XS–XXL.

Two less pricey options this blouse from Bella Dahl ($150 at Bloomingdale's; XS–L) and this Pilcro top ($90 at Anthropologie; three size ranges).

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

357 Comments

  1. I just found out that I’m prediabetic and obese. I’m embarrassed. I used to be a size 2 before the pandemic, and after gaining 50-60 lbs, I’m more like a size 14 now (I’m short). I have a first appointment with a nutritionist (who is also a diabetes specialist) tomorrow. The PCP told me to follow a low-carb, low-fat diet and avoid sweets, cheese, and fried foods. I don’t know if I really have a question here, I guess I’m just embarrassed that I let myself go like this after being a fit person my whole life. Has anyone gone through this? Were you able to get your A1C down? Has anyone worked with a nutritionist? What kinds of things should I expect and/or ask tomorrow? I should add that I’m vegetarian and HATE cooking.

    1. These things happen. Don’s be so hard on yourself. My mom was told similar a few years ago and she has been able to control her weight and sugar with diet and exercise. I do think a key for her is cooking at home because prepackaged food has so much extra sugar and sodium and additives of all kind.

      1. Oh, one thing that my mom loves is her rice cooker. Ask your nutritionist but she throws in all kinds of whole grains and veggies in and everything more or less cooks itself (butternut squash is her go to). Also she makes a lot of soups.

        1. I do have an instant pot rice cooker that I never use. I’ll have to dig out. I welcome any recipes/tips if you/she have any.

          1. AIMS, I too would be happy if your mom is up for sharing her approach to this cooking method for grains and veggies. Sounds perfect for me too.

        2. Rice cooker is a great idea. Add an air fryer for protein, and it’s so much easier to generate a healthy meal.

    2. Do you still exercise? Are you adequately treated for depression? Will you consider GLP-1 medications?

      1. I had depression over the last few years but it’s in remission, thankfully. I do have a problem with my legs that makes exercise difficult; my PCP scheduled an ultrasound to get to the root of that problem. (Issue is major calf tightening and shin splints while walking, to the point of having to sit down on the sidewalk).

        2. If your PCP can’t get to the bottom of that, try a sports medicine doctor or a physical therapist.

        4. If you are open to it – perhaps could you try and find an aqua fitness class? YMCAs offer these around here, and my mom who is in a similar position as you really enjoys these classes quite a bit. That may be more gentle on your calf tightening and shin splits; the time in the water may even help?

          Perhaps a big objection would be that you have to wear a swimsuit for it and everyone feels differently about that but one thing to keep in mind – no one can see each others body’s under the water or what each other is doing, so you are very in your own zone. I took an aqua yoga class this summer and was really struck by how equalizing it is.

          1. Oh and just to clarify, I am not suggesting the aqua fitness class as a weight loss solution, but more as something you can do now to start feeling like a fit person again, as you referenced in your original comment. I don’t think that you should have to wait to be a certain number on the scale to feel like a fit person, but perhaps finding ways you can move and fuel your body now can help you regain that feeling, which will motivate you to continue. And also, just feel better.

        5. Interestingly, I was dealing with shin splints in the early stages of my running phase. I was reading every scientific article I found on that topic and there was one study that noticed some super complicated relationship between shin splints and calcium. I was skeptical, but I tried to increase my daily calcium intake [500mg twice daily] for a few weeks and I never had to deal with them after that. Even when I took longer breaks from running.
          Also, check if biking or spin bike might be an option for you. It is easier on joints, you will still get a nice cardio and overall strengthening effect, plus your legs and feet will be stronger. I started with free spinbike videos on YT [I believe the videos were by GCN channel] and loved it so much I bought a spinbike and signed up for Les Mills On Demand [they have spin bike videos, which I love].
          If biking is not an option, try swimming or working with a personal trainer. A good one will work with your limits.

    3. Is it a nutritionist or a registered dietitian? I’d recommend going to a registered dietitian that specializes in diabetes. Anyone can call themselves a nutritionist without regard to education or training. Have you had your PCP run blood tests to rule out a medical cause for the weigh gain? Thyroid levels? I’d also inquire about GLP-1 medications if your insurance will cover it. Even if you don’t want to jump to those yet, it would be good to know if they are available to you through insurance.

        1. +2. I’ve been obese my whole life, and was able to reduce by A1C by 2 points with semaglutide. It’s an option if you don’t have success with diet and exercise.

    4. Vegetarians consume more carbs, as proteins like beef, fish, and chicken are off the menu. This keeps blood sugars at a higher level. You might want to discuss this with the nutritionist.

      1. This is a very misleading statement. You can’t go wrong with a diet heavy in vegetables that avoids starch such as potato and certain things like mushy peas.

        I struggle with my weight in America in a way I don’t in England. The biggest difference is the UK has a lot more vegetables such as broccoli, carrots, peas, spinach, cabbage and Brussel sprouts on the plate.

        OP, I highly recommend working with a registered dietitian who accepts your insurance. This isn’t a short term thing. It takes a while to lose weight but better now than later.

        1. I’ve tried it both ways, and for me it’s definitely easier not to rely exclusively on plant based sources of protein.

          Broccoli, carrots, spinach, cabbage, and sprouts are all great, but they’re not the major sources of protein on a vegetarian diet. Any significant amount of beans, peas, or grains are just too starchy for my level of prediabetes. Tofu and tempeh and eggs and low-fat yogurt are all great, and I’m not saying it can’t be done, but I think it’s okay to acknowledge that it might take some more planning and effort which may be well worth it.

          1. I agree with the point you are trying to make.

            I am not vegan, but eat a heavier plant based diet and I also had a very hard time getting enough protein without too many calories. I now eat lots of tofu/vegetables/berries, and am increasing fish and low fat dairy and eggs and it is very easy for me to have plenty of protein and balanced nutrition with this addition. My vegan friends struggle a lot with having balanced nutrition and their weight… either their weight is too low because they are undernourished, or two high because they aren’t full with their veg heavy meals and wind up eating too much sugar and carbs.

            It is actually kind of difficult to eat really healthy in some ways, and if you have other health issues it can be hard to balance things. OP I like the idea of talking to a professional. If you can, go in with a day or two of “sample meals” of what you eat on a typical day. Also think about what proteins/healthy grains/veg/fruits you like or don’t like and write those down. It will help as a jumping off point for the Nutritionist. And don’t try to change too much at once. Sometimes just making a single change or two, and getting used to it, can be a good way to get started.

            For my medical problems, I am also pre-diabetic (runs in my family), have rheumatologic disease with foods I am supposed to avoid/minimize and yet I’m supposed to have high protein/balanced diet. I’m dreading they are going to tell me I have to start doing elimination like avoiding soy or dairy etc..

            Good luck OP. Take it slow.

      2. Vegetarians may consume more carbs, but plenty of us are more than capable of eating tofu instead of beef.

    5. First, I would be kind to yourself – a lot of people gained weight during COVID – it’s okay, these things happen, it’s a season of life.

      Second, I would be patient – I know you probably want to fix it all NOW – but changes like this take time, especially if you want them to stick.

      But overall, hugs – it’ll be okay.

    6. If your PCP is recommending a low-fat diet, that’s not evidence-based. Hope the nutritionist is more informed.

      2. +1

        Plus a lot of protein sources are higher in fat, if the doctor wants you eating a high-protein diet.

      3. +1. Low-carb AND low-fat? That is very restrictive. It will be very hard to feel full on that kind of diet. I would focus on low-carb for now until you find a good registered dietitian.

        I had a similar weight gain over the pandemic, so you’re not alone. In your case there may be some underlying health issues that are causing the weight gain and are not in your control. Are you taking an antidepressant that may cause weight gain? Have your thyroid levels been checked lately? Is there another health condition that may also be the cause of the leg cramps?

    7. I work with a nutritionist. It has been really helpful. She has coached me a lot on getting enough protein so I’m not hungry and had me start taking some supplements and vitamins at different points (I was having chronic diarrhea that was triggering me to eat a lot of salty foods, especially before bed). She has helped me slowly get my gut health back and I’m down 45 pounds in 4 months without feeling like it’s been difficult. She also has taught me a lot about weight loss mechanics (diet matters more that exercise, your metabolism functioning has a lot of impact, etc.) We’re now having more conversations about working in healthier options and she’s been helpful at showing me what that should look like (it’s not eliminating all sweets or anything else but being thoughtful about frequency to not create a habit, etc.). She also has advised what to stay clear of—a lot were options my PCP had brought up (she sees a ton of folks where gastrointestinal issues have been created following gastric bypass, metabolism is screwed up after brief medication use, etc.) Insurance has covered the sessions.

      1. How did you find your nutritionist? Is she a registered dietitian or some other specialty? I feel like there are a lot of people who are in this space and I’m not quite sure how to find one who is both good and participates in my insurance.

        1. Her certification is RD, LDN, and CNCS. I found her through my insurance and by looking for someone who has worked with cancer patients (my chronic diarrhea was following a surgery so I was guessing that someone like that would be a good fit). She is northern Chicago suburbs but I do mostly virtual appointments. Her name is
          Emiliya Subev if helpful to anyone. She has really helped me.

        2. I’m the OP of this thread and the dietician I’m seeing tomorrow works for the same city-wide healthcare system as my PCP. My PCP referred me.

    8. I’ve been through this! Yes, I was able to get my A1C down though I still can’t eat the way I used to. I used to rely on metformin but get by without it now. The dietician was helpful (I hadn’t thought of things like the importance of being consistent with macros and eating times from day to day, for example, so my body can get used to what to expect).

      I haven’t found it possible to do both low carb and low fat (calories have to come from somewhere!), but a dietician (hopefully you mean dietician) will know more than a PCP about it. One thing that helped me troubleshoot diet was blood glucose testing, because some of the standard recommendations didn’t work for me. (For example, complex carbohydrates like whole grains shot my blood glucose through the roof and failed to keep it stable, which was easy to see when testing. But I’m fine with non-starchy vegetables.) If I did it again, I might go the CGM route because finger pricking was no fun, but CGM weren’t as big of a thing back then and I think insurance still doesn’t like to cover them for prediabetes (but I personally think it’s money well spent if it’s a temporary thing while figuring out the new diet).

      I don’t know if you ever ended up getting COVID, but even a very mild COVID infection is a risk factor for developing type 2 diabetes or heading in that direction. And I’m not sure what the numbers are for different countries, but the CDC’s estimate was that 1/3 US adults were at least prediabetic prior to the pandemic, so this is a very, very common thing to be dealing with for all kinds of reasons. There’s a vicious cycle between weight gain and insulin resistance, but it’s now believed that the typical pattern is that the insulin resistance develops first and leads to the weight gain which then worsens it in turn, so the whole thing about “letting oneself go” is often actually an early symptom. I wouldn’t feel embarrassed since making it through a global pandemic with just some prediabetes and weight gain is doing pretty well in the grand scheme of things, and with support I think it’s really likely that you’ll be able to get your A1C down.

      1. On the blood glucose testing point – Maintenance Phase had an interesting episode on “Low GI diets”. Apparently different people have very wildly different glucose reactions to different foods.

        1. I had gestational diabetes and so had to test my blood sugar after every meal and it was so interesting what made it spike and what didn’t. Things I wouldn’t have expected, like brown rice made it spike, but a small bowl of ice cream at night didn’t.

        2. Yes, it is really individual! My husband had been thinking “avoid sweets” and was amazed that egg drop soup (presumably because of the corn starch thickener), corn chips, and other savory foods were spiking his blood glucose almost to diabetic levels, whereas he did fine with some coffee shop desserts.

    9. Well, you’re not alone. My PCP told me that something like 75% of her patients gained weight during the pandemic. I do think it’s smart to work with someone who can offer support and advice. And, try not to be too hard on yourself. Sometimes these things happen.

    10. Prioritize protein – it is your best friend. Exercise, exercise, exercise….start with walking if you’re not fit. I suspect leg pain will diminish as you lose weight. Prediabetes will also go away.

      1. I’m finally learning how much protein is my friend after I started following some dieticians on the insta who give advice to 40-something women who are struggling to maintain or lose weight. It has been a total “duh” moment for me. I’m not losing a ton, but I’m not gaining, either, and I feel more satisfied.

        1. I would love to know who these people are, especially if they are nice and not shame-y.

    11. Thank you everyone for the replies! To those asking, yes I’m seeing a registered dietician.

    12. I am going to push back on “the leg pain will probably go away when you lose weight.” It may be true that whatever is causing this will ease at a lower weight, but whatever is causing you to have to sit down after walking due to severe leg tightening is unlikely to just be weight. People who are not overweight have some real.misconceptioms about what it is like and think an extra 50 lbs will make movement impossible and all of life breathtaking and hard. That is just not true. And that is likely why you got to this place without really realizing it. I am not at all discouraging you from losing the weight – definitely try and I believe you can. But it also sounds like there is something specific that needs treatment going on with your legs and it luckily sounds like your doctor is not taking the dangerous and unhelpful position so many do – that all your woes are due to your being overweight and dropping pounds is 100% of the treatment.

      1. That was my first thought reading it, too. I also think those pushing exercise as a first response don’t know a whole lot about weight loss. Exercise is important for a lot of reasons (and helps) but managing diet is going to be what makes the real difference, especially long term. It’s like 90% diet.

      2. +1 I’m plus size and very active, doing exercise classes 2-4 times a week, and I just get the normal aches and pains from sore muscles that quickly go away. I run 5Ks with my dog, who I also walk daily, but I don’t experience any debilitating pain like you’re describing.

        Having been a plus size person since college, I know that far too many medical providers suggest weight loss as a cure all. Flu? Have you tried diet and exercise? Sprained ankle? What about diet and exercise?

        If I were you, I would keep pushing for answers. It’s not normal to have this pain at a size 16.

    13. I am not overweight but am a vegetarian so wanted to speak to the hate cooking part. I’d try to separate the idea that eating healthy food at home equals having to prepare meals and cook. There are many days I eat a meal that consists of several of the following: a banana, some carrots and hummus, string cheese, nuts, instant oatmeal, etc. Obviously discuss with the nutritionist, but I’d focus on purchasing food that is healthy without actually requiring preparation. Also, be gentle on yourself. What’s done is done, be kind to yourself and focus on moving forward versus beating yourself up.

      1. I have been more successful at eating properly (which I am *not* currently doing) when I plan and use formulas.

        Planning weekly means meal planning and buying what I need for the meals.
        Planning daily means putting the lunch items on the counter after breakfast so I eat what I plan to eat instead of prowling in the fridge.

        Formulas are as follows:

        Breakfast formula: 2 scrambled eggs and plain Greek yogurt + fruit (varies by season).
        Lunch formula: greens + 1 protein (eggs, tuna, chicken) + 2 fruit or veggie + homemade dressing (put mustard, olive oil, vinegar in jar and shake).
        Dinner formula: I have no dinner formula and this is when I prowl and graze. Any suggestions welcome.

        1. Yes, I agree that trying to be very systematic about thinking about meal planning, keeping lists of what to buy where/when, and having a rotating list of easy meals is key for following a healthy diet for me. I also make sure I really like and enjoy the meals on my rotation, or of course I wont stick with it. And I give myself rewards like one night out a week, and don’t absolutely exclude things, and always have something chocolate after dinner etc… You have to have things to look forward to. But it was surprising for me how …with time… I adjusted to snacking less when I figured out how to keep myself feeling more full, working on my life stress/healthy outlets for boosting my mood, and by keeping food prep simple and fast.

          I eat the same healthy things every day for breakfast, and lunch.

          Then I really only have to “think” and “cook” (or not cook…) at dinner.
          I have my dinner rotation meals.
          At the beginning of each weak, I write on a post-it the weekly meal plan.
          When I shop, I have my lists of what essentials I get from which store.
          I buy things on sale, in season.

          Always keep in stock in my fridge my favorite health proteins, veg, herbs, fruits.

          For example, I always have

          Tofu
          Salmon
          Frozen whitefish
          Greek yogurt
          eggs
          hummus
          lentils
          nut butters
          nuts
          black beans, kidney beans etc..
          edemame
          Fairlife non-fat high protein milk
          protein powder
          some grains…. I don’t eat too much of those

          Fresh berries of all kinds
          mangos
          frozen bananas to make smoothies
          any fruit I want

          Broccoli
          spinach/chard
          beets with greens
          fresh and canned tomatoes
          frozen peas/corn/green beans/mixed root veg ready to roast
          sweet potatoes
          purple potatoes
          Any veg I want

          Every morning I have non-fat plain greek yogurt + berries +
          Or I make a smoothie with yogurt/milk/bananas/mango/berries.

          Every lunch I have tofu + veg/grain salad. I buy those premade from our local Co-Op. Overpriced, but delicious, healthy and I enjoy them. So worth it.
          Or I have hummus + veg.

          Every dinner I rotate amongst my proteins and have two veg at least. Usually one veg is green/leafy or tomatoes, and one is a more robust/starchier veg (like sweet potato, or beets or roasted veg).

          Black bean quesadillas with high protein tortilla.
          Scrambled eggs with goat cheese and fresh tomatoes.
          Lentil soup with tomatoes/yogurt (I often buy lentil soup made… save time)
          Miso salmon (could eat every day… great NYTimes recipie)
          Tuna salad on a toasted piece of sourdough bread (such a treat!)
          Rotisserie chicken from Costco with mashed sweet potatoes
          Baked marinated tofu cubes in some sort of stir fry
          Grazing meal of cheese, crackers, carrots, tomatoes, nuts, hummus, whatever.

          And I always keep some delicious Trader Joe’s frozen Indian meals which I just love and aren’t terrible…. I mean, it’s not like eating a Big Mac and fries from McDonald’s. But sometimes you just don’t want to cook or think at all.

          It takes time to figure out your routine.

    14. It won’t be easy to lose the weight, but I would be encouraged by the fact that you were fit quite recently. I gained just over 50 lbs with both my pregnancies, and while it took about a year in each case to slim down, I’m now only 5 lbs over my pre-baby weight. I definitely felt like my body wanted to get back to its equilibrium.

      My advice: Keep it simple! It’s easier to be consistent when you keep it simple.
      1) Take a brisk morning walk every day, and do errands on foot/ bike as much as possible.
      2) Make sure breakfast and lunch are super healthy so that you can ease up a bit at dinner (oatmeal + fruit + nuts, salad/ soup).
      3) For working out, sign up for classes so that you force yourself to go.

      Good luck!

    15. I’m a vegetarian who hates to cook. I can go months without turning on my oven or stove. Here are things that work for me:
      -I try to eat one big salad per day. I buy the big box of mixed greens and salad dressing at Trader Joes. I mix it in a mixing bowl and eat it out of the bowl because it’s too big to fit into a regular bowl. A box of mixed greens is 3 salads for me.
      -I make a dozen hard boiled eggs at a time in the Instant Pot. They’re super easy to make in the Instant Pot. I eat about 2 per day, sometimes cut into a salad and sometimes not.
      -I will turn on my oven to make tofu. The key to tofu is buying extra firm tofu and then pressing it for a few hours. Google recipes for oven baked tofu. I hear tofu also does well in the air fryer, but I don’t have one.
      -Plain yogurt (I usually eat full fat) and cottage cheese (usually 2%) are delicious to me and good protein. I mix yogurt with frozen fruit like blueberries. DH likes fruit and cottage cheese, but I don’t.
      – Costco sells large black bean burgers that are better than any veggie burger I’ve found in a grocery store and they have good protein. Cook in the microwave. I eat without a bun, but with mustard and other toppings if I’m feeling like doing that much work.
      -Costco sells frozen grilled veggies. They’re already grilled. I put them in a bowl and microwave them. I’ll eat them with my veggie burger or mixed into my salad.
      -I really like garbanzo beans, particularly the Trader Joes ones, and will open the can, rinse them, and eat them out of a bowl. Black beans are okay too, but I’m less interested in those.
      -Trader Joes sells packages of Indian-flavored lentil dishes. I mix these with their frozen cauliflower rice or their riced hearts of palm. Microwave and eat. I will say these are high in salt, so I try to watch that.
      -I also like Trader Joes’s dolmas in a can, which aren’t a meal but I add 1-2 to a salad.
      -I keep fruit around the house, which is my go-to snack and dessert. Apples and oranges are easy to peel and cut this time of the year.

      1. Forgot to add. I also do one protein drink per day, which is protein powder mixed with water. It’s not my favorite thing to have. But I’m very active and haven’t found another way to get even close to enough protein. Vegetarian sources of protein just aren’t high in protein compared to meat.

    16. My parents, both early 60s, were able to cut their weight as well as cholesterol with a balanced diet and daily walks. Both lost 10kg at least within a few months. They switched from cooking at home to getting meals delivered by a service [a courier would drop their meals for the day in the morning in front of their door], the meals were based on their daily caloric limit as well as nutritional needs. They have very quickly realized their problem was overeating, as they were basically eating double the portions compared to what was delivered to them. This, combined with the daily walks [5km twice a day] did it for them. Every body is different and your journey will probably not be the same, but rest assured, it’s doable. If you hate cooking, I would take the recommendation of the nutritionist and check if there is any meal delivery service nearby that would fit the bill.

    17. COVID was really hard for so many of us. I both gained weight and had noticable hair loss during the pandemic. I started telehealth therapy and an anxiety medicine for fears of germs. Of the 3 new issues – weight gain, hair loss, and anxiety – I blamed only the first on myself.

      Therapy helped me realize that weight gain is a medical issue just like hair loss. I can’t imagine blaming myself for thinning hair! Neither is a moral failing. My body was responding to a life-changing and life-threatening situation that was entirely new.

    18. I think you’re in a better position than you think. Yes losing weight and changing your nutrition is a commitment, but it sounds like it is only the last 3 years that have been brutal. That means you aren’t fixing a lifetime of habit, but only 3 years of habit. I assume you have tested your thyroid and that your hormones seem like they are fine – you didn’t mention your age but perimenopause can do a number on weight gain.
      I recommend the subreddits r/loseit and r/cico. I recommend you read up on eating for satiety, balancing your blood sugar with balanced meals that include protein and don’t include ‘nak3d carbs’, your TDEE estimate, and what you can do to increase your NEAT. Getting to a place where you feel comfortable in your body and with your health is definitely possible

      1. Just for another perspective, I didn’t need to learn the acronyms TDEE and NEAT to get my A1C back in range, and the best thing I ever did was stop counting calories. The only thing I really had to pay attention to was which foods spiked my blood sugar. It’s okay to keep it simple.

    19. Meal planning is key! I find that having a few healthy-ish meals in my freezer from Trader Joe’s can help when I’m not up for making anything. But really, it will help a lot if you can put some simple meals into rotation. Your oven is your friend for one pan meals that require little prep and clean up and no supervision.
      For me the hard part is snacking. I get really hungry at 10 AM and 4 PM and that can lead to 300-500 calories of snacks – and I always eat my full dinner and lunch! Discovering snacks that keep me full enough to wait for meal time was a game changer. Things that I like and require no effort: a spoonful of peanut butter; Babybel cheese and a few crackers; sunflower seeds. I also find that herbal teas and sparkling water help me – sometimes i want flavor or something different rather than actual food.

  2. What are some myths that get repeated a lot that you wish would die already? I have two:

    – The myth that coffee is bad for you when coffee has been shown to be healthy and protective against numerous diseases, including cancer and Parkinson’s, in high-quality studies and meta-analyses. It’s full of antioxidants and beneficial compounds.
    – That women in Europe drink wine regularly during pregnancy, more often than not, with their doctors’ full awareness and support.

    What are yours?

    1. – That all Jews are white, rich, educated, powerful.
      – That Jews are sub-human/weak/impure/dirty, yet somehow powerful enough to control everything and everyone.
      – That antisemitism affects only Jews (it threatens democracy and is an indicator of the health of a society as a whole, of a society’s capacity to think reasonably and behave humanely).

      1. OP here and I’ll add to that: that antisemitism is a historic artifact and nothing more.

      3. That all Jews are white is definitely a big one. Even if you exclude POC who converted, this is not true.

          1. I’m not anon 1:08 but It is said constantly. Any criticism to Israely gob is seem as antisemitic.

    2. That weight loss is as simple as calories in, calories out. There is truth to that, but weight gain and loss are so much more complicated than that once you factor in hormones, underlying health issues, etc.

      1. Absolutely. Calories in, calories out will work in the short term (hello, yo-to diet), but it’s been disproven in the long-term a million times over and still gets repeated all the time.

      2. I lose so much respect for anyone who brings up the calories in, calories out line as if it argues against any other position. Yes, that is the literal definition of weight loss, thank you for the meaningless tautology. The whole question is how to achieve more calories out than calories in, which is where everything else comes in!

      3. I’ll add to this:

        – gaining weight is a moral failure
        – losing weight is a moral victory

        1. I agree. I wish I could believe that for myself. I feel so much guilt for weight gain, which I realize is super messed up.

        3. I have a spin instructor who announced on January 1 that her goal for the year was to convince people that exercise is not punishment for eating – exercise is a celebration of your body’s ability to move. Eating is a separate activity that’s unrelated to exercise. They got intertwined because of weight loss obsessions, and they need to be separated again.
          Weight is not calories in, calories out. And weight also is not a moral defeat or victory. Weight also is not a fortune teller of health and longevity.

      1. Yessss this. Growing up with conservative parents and a conservative area, I absorbed so much anti-union sentiment without even knowing it.

      2. And that unions are inherently corrupt. I got this from my parents starting in the Reagan era.

    5. That being cold, or going from hot to cold temperatures, makes you sick.

      That “stress” has any effect on cancer risk or outcomes.

      That “both parties are the same.”

      1. I thought the stress thing had some scientific evidence behind it? Certainly not sleeping well, which is often a side effect of stress, impacts physical health.

      2. Hum, there are studies showing that high levels of stress are correlated with increased cancer risks; the mechanism is that stress weakens the immune system and T cells help fight cancer.

        1. I think there must be a lot of chicken and egg to sort out here, since stress tolerance is also a measure of good health.

          One doctor advise me to take with a grain of salt research on stress that defines it exclusively as something bad. There’s a tendency to support patients through stress medically when it’s something positive and chosen (e.g. athletic training or a career with a demanding travel schedule) but when it’s negative, since psychological support may also be needed to cope, sometimes the medical support is neglected.

        2. The problem is defining “stress” – there are people here who travel a lot for work and find it invigorating, while others are wiped out by it. Some people like to be in highly demanding jobs, some find it hugely stressful.

          I’ve sat in on a lot of discussions among scientists about stress and health conditions, and most of the data is associations, not true mechanisms.

          Plus I think it’s really crappy to tell someone, Just reduce your stress and you’ll be healthy!

          1. Agree. When I worked as an hourly worker, it was a stressful job for me (physically, and putting up with a lot more rough treatment that wasn’t abusive but absolutely happened daily there vs maybe annually at my current job).

          2. PolyD, there are studies showing that kids who were abused end up with a higher risk of cancer and heart attacks as adults, even when you control for lifestyle factors. There are quite real changes to the brain that occur as the result of chronic stress, which create lifelong changes to the hormonal and immune systems.

            To equate that with stress from travel – WTF. You might “sit in on a lot of discussions with scientists,” but you aren’t a scientist and you obviously don’t understand the nuances.

          3. I wonder how well they control for lifestyle (would an otherwise happy childhood without enough to eat or without a quiet place to sleep also correlate with higher risk health outcomes?).

            Insofar as research about chronic stress holds up, let’s add some more myths: Children are resilient and necessarily belong in school.

          4. Anon at 11:11 – loling that I am not a scientist!

            If you yourself are a scientist (like, molecular biology or related) you would know that it can be very difficult to tease out cause and effect in large scale association studies that involve behaviors and recall bias.

            I imagine adverse childhood events can lead to all sorts of behaviors that might increase risk of health problems – overeating or anorexia or bulimia, alcohol or other substance abuse, risky sex behaviors, living in polluted neighborhoods, eating more processed foods – and it would be very difficult to control for all these things across the lifespan. I can buy that a troubled childhood can increase risk for poor health outcomes as an adult, but I’m skeptical about attributing it to blanket terms like “stress.”

          6. I’m a statistician who works on these studies with scientists and I will not take a seat. PolyD has an excellent point about correlation not being causation and you can take SEVERAL seats (and repeat your stats class), 12:27.

          7. What is the matter, Anon? This level of aggression is entirely unnecessary. (And gatekeeping who counts as a scientist – really??)
            PolyD didn’t equate an abusive childhood with travel stress. She just said that a lot of things are termed ‘stress’ and it makes the word so vague as to be unhelpful in this discussion, because of course different sources of stress can’t possibly have comparable impacts. Your respective arguments are really not that far apart.

          8. PolyD, you are the one who made the claim, completely ignorant of the fact that there are numerous studies of how ACEs cause lifelong changes to the body. The studies are trivially easy to find; the fact that you ran your mouth about hypotheticals instead of taking five seconds to look up the research that myself and others are citing shows what an intellectual lightweight you are.

            Take. A. Seat.

        3. There are also, sadly, studies showing a correlation between adverse childhood events and higher cancer risk in adulthood. The mechanism is i think connected to the bodily effects of trauma on the hpa axis (hypothalamus pituitary axis) . It affects obesity and cardiac risks in adulthood too among other things. Stress and trauma/abuse/neglect are obviously not the same things and treatments are likely to mitigate the risks but yes, stress, particularly high chronic stress in childhood in particular, is no small thing.

          2. I am 100% positive that PolyD never read the CDC studies on adverse childhood experiences. The initial research on the ACES was based on mostly white, employed, and insured adults.

      4. There are studies that show that adults who had traumatic backgrounds as children are more prone to cancer. So there seems to be empirical evidence to suggest a link.

      5. As a cancer survivor, I can’t tell you how annoying the whole “positive thoughts will get you out of this” mindset is. Like whether you win or lose your fight is about wanting it enough. I’ve had two dogs die from cancer, and I can tell you the care protocols from an oncologist had way more to do with how long they lived than their enjoyment at living. I know this sounds harsh, but I’m a lot more sensitive to this now. There definitely is a whole group of people out there who want to cling to the idea that there is more control over your body than their actually is simply by posing with thumbs up and wearing all the pink and all that. The reality is most people want desperately to live, whether you’re cheering or screaming or simply numb through it.

          1. +a million. To piggy-back on a comment above, not having cancer does not make you morally superior either.

          1. Thank you. Everyone needs to shut their trap when talking to people going through cancer treatment unless it is to offer to bring food or provide a ride.

        3. Two types of cancer here. No I didn’t cause my cancers and no, positivity didn’t get rid of either one.

        4. Literally no one suggested that positivity will stop your cancer. I am sorry that you don’t understand basic science and that it makes you mad.

          1. Yeah I don’t know enough about the science to have an informed opinion about whether or not stress causes cancer, but saying “stress causes cancer” does not imply that all cancer is caused by stress or that positivity cures cancer. This seems like a straw man.

          2. Literally not talking about the thread above regarding childhood stress. Going off of my OWN experience. You get bombarded with people telling you to be positive, be a fighter, you’ve got this, fight on, etc., etc. I also had people literally tell me why they think I got cancer (“you were a vegetarian eating fake meat”–guess what, risk of red meat consumption is actually worse for colon cancer but, sure, explain to me why you know more about my health than my own oncology team. Some people will even go the extra measure and explain why you should have cancer and they shouldn’t (before my scans to see how much things had spread,I literally had an MRI tech ask me if I had kids and tell me it was good I didn’t…wtf?!?)

            I am sorry that you are such a miserable human being that you don’t understand basic ways of communicating with people (judging from the fight you picked up thread) and feel the need to call others stupid to feel better about yourself (which you now have done to two people). I may not know science–I don’t profess to–but I do know reading comprehension enough to know that you blew it on this one. I am truly sorry that you don’t understand basic human kindness enough that you need to pick on a cancer patient to make yourself feel better. Maybe you should go kick some puppies now as well.

    7. I have a million medical ones. Today it’s “no one is in the first world has nutritional deficiencies” (without asking a single question about diet and while ignoring any documented history of deficiencies) and “you only feel better on a multivitamin because of the placebo effect” (without even testing for conditions that can result in needing a multivitamin)

      Honestly the general concept of the placebo effect is a myth that I wish would die. I don’t know how a phenomenon affecting RCTs that’s mostly confined to symptoms (i.e., self reported and thus affected by social pressures) or physiological outcomes directly related to stress (obviously impacted by study participation) transformed into a pseudoscientific version of The Secret.

      1. Honestly, I wish we would do serious research into how the placebo effect works. Because it seems like instead of becoming a way to dismiss people, it could potentially be a mechanism for understanding the mind/body connection and how to leverage that for truly better health.

        1. That’s the whole thing though. The placebo effect doesn’t work. It’s not something you can treat people with. It’s a statistical artefact of study design that happens because of regression to the mean, having to treat study participants pretty well constituting a separate simultaneous intervention, and the effect of hopefulness on subjective symptom reports.

      2. That’s the whole thing though. The placebo effect doesn’t work. It’s not something you can treat people with. It’s a statistical artefact of study design that happens because of regression to the mean, having to treat study participants pretty well constituting a separate simultaneous intervention, and the effect of hopefulness on subjective symptom reports.

        1. I mean, if you don’t need one, you don’t need one. But I don’t know when the idea that “not everyone needs one” morphed into “practically no one does.” Or how it’s supposed to square with incessant PSAs about how we don’t eat as well as we should!

          1. I was driving at something else. “You don’t need a multivitamin if you don’t need a multivitamin (because you get enough from food)” is an unhelpful tautology.

            How do you know which camp you’re in? What are the costs to taking a multivitamin if you don’t need it?

            Well, you find out you’re deficient via some form of high cost: feeling like garbage and getting a battery of tests, which have intangible and real costs. What’s the cost of taking a Trader Joe’s multivitamin if you don’t “need” it? About $9 every 3 months. Just don’t OD on the things.

            It doesn’t make medical or economic sense to advocate against multivitamins: it’s just too clever by half.

    8. That XXXXX works for everyone.

      Insert anything into XXXXX – a certain diet, type of exercise, mindset, way of life, a piece of clothing, a career path, medication, education path, beauty thing, therapy, mediation, etc. Nothing works for everyone.

    9. That cats is a major culprit in the bird population decline when it’s actually habitat loss, degradation and pollution – all man made issues.

      1. YES — and also that the excess of cats in the world is, if not a direct human failing, could be largely helped by human actions, i.e., spaying, neutering and not abandoning.

      2. I’d add spraying for insects (another man made issue that people opt into regularly!).

        And I do realize this varies locally (in the wrong place, cats can be devastating), but it’s true that some people are borrowing trouble when they don’t understand their own local situation. I live in an urban setting where cats are filling in for native predators (it would probably make more sense to hand waive about predators than about birds!). The effects of feline predation on non-birds are highly welcome and appreciated in this setting. People with no evidence that cat predation is impacting bird populations negatively will just openly say that “one bird killed is too many” and that they’d like to stop wild animals from predating on birds too but they have no legal recourse to do so so they focus on cats. It’s become an anti-predation movement for some people.

    10. That fast casual restaurants are less calories than McDonalds. Yes its organic, but you are still drinking 400 calories in that flavored lemonade.

    12. This is not a particularly serious one, but let’s stop the rumor that people eating in restaurants want a QR code menu/menu on their phone over a paper menu. I understand why this developed, but can we not get our regular menus back?

        1. That was my comment – I really hate spending more time on my phone! They’re so much harder to navigate. I’m not that old (35) but I am too old for this stuff and I feel like I’m 90 when I complaint about it. Some places don’t have regular menus anymore! It’s so frustrating to me.

      2. I never scan QR codes anymore. Our cybersecurity training at work warned they can be manipulated to spread malware. Regular menus, please.

    13. -Adhering to gender syereotypes makes a person more that gender.
      -Not adhering to gender syerotypes makes a person less that gender.
      -Poverty is a moral failing
      -The conventionally attractive are superior

      2. Ooh yes the first two are so important. And adherence to gender stereotypes has no bearing on sexuality too. When our kids were 3, I heard a dad of a boy make a comment about how he hopes his son isn’t gay because he was enjoying the princess entertainment at a girl classmate’s birthday party. Like omg no liking a princess character at age 3 doesn’t mean he’ll grow up to be sexually attracted to men, just stop.

      1. I cringe when someone suggests that skin issues are about hygiene or neglect; it’s such a hard thing to manage when multiple dermatologists have struck out!

        1. I went straight from cystic acne into rosacea! No, just splashing water on my face is not going to cut it.

    15. That breast cancer risk is largely genetic. 80% of cases have no known genetic component. It gives so many people false comfort.

      1. This was an important one for me to hear. I have zero family history, but I do have risk factors that older relatives never had.

      2. Adding: that breast cancer is only a woman’s disease.
        The tissue behind the nipples on a man’s chest is breast tissue. Men don’t have milk ducts or the glandular tissue that women have, but they do have breasts and, even though it is at much lower rate than women, they do get breast cancer. It does them such a disservice to give them next to no mention when talking about it.

      3. That’s not quite right- about 50% of breast cancers are associated with a family history of breast cancer, but we only understand ~50% of genetic risk. So we know what’s going on with genetics in 25% of cases, we know genetics are involved but not how 25% of the time and the rest are sporadic.

        1. Where are you getting your stats? I’d love to know where this comes from, as it seems contrary to everything I’ve seen lately from oncologic experts.

      2. +1,000 (a myth that is being used to justify the murder and displacement of thousands)

    17. IVF basically always works if you’re willing to spend the time/money/deal with the shots. When your odds are actually not great after certain ages and/or depending on the cause of infertility.

    18. That immigrants and refugees simultaneously come here for all the public benefits and to steal Americans’ jobs.

    19. That clothes should be cut for people far taller than average because “they can always be altered to fit a shorter person.” No. No they cannot.

      1. Well, as someone who is 5’11” and has had short friends tell me it’s harder them to shop than it is for me – that is a myth I would like to dispel! It is factually inaccurate. You CAN get your pants hemmed. I cannot add length. And more stores cater to petite sizing than women my height.

        1. Missing the point that it isn’t just about overall length, but I hope you feel better now.

        2. 5’10” here and yep. We can’t add fabric. You can take it away.

          But if you’re a short person thinking all clothing is made for super tall people, that is absolutely not true. 99% of it is made for someone shorter than me.

        3. I get that the rise is different. So, no, just hemming the legs won’t make it fit right. But the other two posters are correct–far more options for petites than tall and far easier to hem a skirt than to grow a hemline. Far more options if you’re short. Don’t believe it? Look for plus size petite vs. plus size tall clothes and tell me what you find.

          FWIW, I’m 5’8 so have no problem with most. And I definitely think it’s awful that men get more options than women when it comes to pant length and rise and arm length.

  3. Would love some shopping help this morning. My husband won a very prestigious award at work and there will be a ceremony and lunch with the head of his organization in a few weeks. I’d like to get a new dress for the event, but struggling to find something. They haven’t given a dress code, but since it’s lunch on a workday, I assume its business (i.e. not formal or cocktail). He’s in finance (and I work in the same industry, different org), if that’s relevant. Budget up to $600. Looking for something a little more fun than my usual sheath dresses.

    Options I’ve found so far – neither of which I’m particularly excited about:

    https://www.shopbop.com/funnel-theory/vp/v=1/1584764230.htm?os=false&breadcrumb=Shop+Women%27s%3EClothing%3EDresses&folderID=13351&colorSin=2026963091&fm=other-shopbysize-viewall&ref_=SB_PLP_PDP_W_CLOTH_DRESS_13351_NB_36

    https://www.thereformation.com/products/lysander-dress/1312546ELE.html?dwvar_1312546ELE_color=ELE

    2. I’d check out Black Halo or Marycraft (on Amazon) or the Jillian dress from MMLF — but that Elland dress from the Fold is amazing

  4. Any great question recommendations as I interview today for an administrative assistant position? It’s been a LONG time since I’ve had to do this! This person would be an assistant to myself and another partner, and also handle some office manager duties.

    1. In no particular order (I’ve been on both sides of the hiring equation for this kind of position):
      Ask about their approach to a task where documentation doesn’t exist.
      Their approach to training a new hire (if the office manager part involves hiring/training).
      How they handle following up with subordinates, coworkers, supervisors/partners, external client/customer.
      How they prioritize during times of normal workload; how that changes during busy periods
      How they handle conflicting, equal priorities from different parties.
      Favorite part of prior position (if it was related to this position).
      What their ideal supervisor is like.

    2. I was an admin for a pretty long time. I fixed a lot of things that went wrong behind the scenes with no one the wiser – I’d have loved the chance to talk about that in an interview.

    3. One of my go-to interview questions for almost any role is, “Tell me about a time when you disagreed with a decision your boss/organization made. What did you do?” Some people reveal A LOT with their answer!

  5. what do you wear on weekends, casual but when you want to look presentable? I happen to be away two weekends this month (one a mini vacation and one to look at colleges with my son) and i have no idea what to put on my body. I do not currently have any jeans that i’m loving, i’m not even sure what kind i’m supposed to be wearing…

    2. I wear skinny jeans, a nice knitted top and flats. Yes it’s dated but I’m 43 and not here to win a fashion award. I wear a thermal tshirt under the knitted top and I have a puffer vest, wool, down and silk padded coats with a scarf, depending on the weather.

      I keep my make up simple and my hair is in a clip, low chignon style.

    3. What’s the weather like where you are/where you will be?

      Warmer weather:
      Realistically: A jersey or cotton dress that is not super loose with an army jacket, sandals with a wedge heel. Or linen wide leg pants, sleeveless cotton shirt, army jacket with wedge heel.
      Aspirational: A dress from Sezane (ya’ll here who keep posting Sezane are rubbing off on me) + jacket + sandals with a wedge heel

      Cooler weather:
      Realistically: Good American palazzo jeans, platform sneakers, Amazon dupe of the Lululemon Scuba Oversized Half-Zip Hoodie
      Aspirational: A sweater dress from Sezane (ya’ll here who keep posting Sezane are rubbing off on me) + boots

      1. I”m going to North Carolina to look at colleges and meeting my boyfriend in Savannah. so similar weather probably. i love this! thank you.

    4. Straight leg jeans or Talbots relaxed fit chinos, a long sleeved t (Old Navy, Target, Talbots,etc) and a cardigan (Lord and Taylor merino). I prefer v neck ts, but have some boat neck and others. I’m always freezing, so the wool cardigans are essential.

      1. This is how I roll. Fashion sneakers or flats depending on where I’m headed.

        I’m a knitter so lately I’m wearing a hand knit lacy shawl thing as a scarf if needed, otherwise it’s in my purse.

        I also like the suggestion above about a not too puffy puffer vest if needed for the chill

      1. For college visits, these definitely look more polished than jeans. How do you like these endless pants? They are a best seller….I have lots of workout gear from Athleta but haven’t tried these yet. How do they fit? how is the fabric?

        1. I love them, they’re basically athleisure that can go to the office. They’re thicker than say the Lululemon version, fit me TTS, and wash well. Highly recommend.

          1. what color do you have? do you wear with sneakers? regular sneakers who cute ones?

      2. I’m wearing these pants today and they are my current favorite pair of pants. I never liked the Brooklyn pant that people seem to love. The Endless is amazing. Washes easy. Can dress up or down. Cute with sneakers or a boot. Worth every penny!

        1. i can’t wear shirts taht are quite as fitted as showing with the models. is that what you wear them with?

          1. They’re just pants, wear whatever you’d wear! I do a button down tied at the waist a lot, a sweater or sweatshirt, tshirt, T-shirt under a chambray top, etc etc.

          2. I think you’ll be very surprised at what you can wear with these. The waistband is large, very forgiving and smoothing. I do tent to wear slimmer tops with these pants because they are a little magical. Once you put them on, it will make sense.

      5. I still wear and love my jeans (mostly straight leg these days) but I also have several pair of pants that are similar to these and I agree they feel more current. I wear them with a long-sleeve tee or fun sweatshirt and a cute puffer vest or jacket, and fashiony sneakers or loafers. (I just got this sweatshirt at Anthropologie and I want to wear it every day: https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/ashley-brown-durand-late-summer-flowers-sweatshirt?category=SEARCHRESULTS&color=004&searchparams=q%3Dsweatshirt&type=STANDARD&quantity=1 )

    6. Post-pandemic I wear leggings in public a lot, but for a college tour I’d wear jeans and a sweater. Don’t wear apparel from the college unless you’re an alum.

    7. Trousers with a bit of elastic (preferably hidden in the back of the waistband) that are full length and a bit wide legged + flowy

      A slouchy, comfortable warm sweater that’s a bit luxe, like a second-hand Eileen Fisher or Jenni Kayne or Baaba

      If I’m going to be in the house all day, slip on cuddly slippers or scuffs, if out of the house walkable clogs or loafers

      For dinners out or walking around town, a pretty dress that’s casual but not fussy, and flats

      Interesting jewelry–I find that when I’m rushed or not feeling up to it, accessories and full hair/makeup is the first thing to go so simply putting on some jewelry and taking a few extra minutes with hair makes a big difference in how I feel

      Brands I like for these type of things:

      J. Jill, Talbots, Chico’s, Soft Surroundings, Soma for nightwear or lounge, Anthropologie for super-cute loungewear and pretty dresses, Johnny Was for elegant upscale hippie dippie stuff (kimono style robes for out of the shower as a guest, for example), Scotch and Soda for a “this old thing?” fun statement dress or blouse, Eileen Fisher for luxe sweaters, socks, and scarves, Boden for a pop of color/cute day-dresses.

    8. A Zuri dress, black leggings, and Chelsea boots are my go-to as an old lady lawyer on weekends. Have fun on your away weekends!

    9. I wear bootcut jeans. I have no idea whether I’m “supposed” to be wearing them or not, I just wear them because I like them and they happen to be the best cut for my body shape.

  6. Next steps: I have consulted with an attorney after being laid off. I’m in a southern state with little to no employee rights. I was laid off in 2008 and was given a packet with an agreement. This time I was given nothing, sent a link to workday which says it’s for benefits only.

    I am going to file for unemployment today, which will let me know if I’ve been laid off or fired, but more importantly, my offer letter included a six month non compete. I’m to be paid to the end of the month, not for 6 months. Does anyone have any advice on how to best handle this? My assumption is to just seek employment now and screw the non compete, don’t even mention it. Im worried because my manager was extremely toxic and I lost my job because I spoke up about his behavior. He is the sort who won’t let something like this go.

    Im very aware we are going into a downturn and I might not be working for a year. Yes im emotional and yes im scared to be doing this on my own with the responsibility for 3 children who have high needs and a vindictive abusive ex husband. Of course i have anxiety and depression but i keep going because my children have no one except me. Their father uses them to further abuse me. I have no family in this country and my friends are 2500 miles away in NYC. You guys have been so great with the advice over the past couple of years. Any suggestions on how to handle this gratefully received.

    1. So sorry you’re in this situation. I’d definitely consult a lawyer about the non-compete. They’re hard to enforce, but I”m not sure pretending it doesn’t exist is the right strategy.

    2. You need to talk to the attorney about the noncompete. Depending on how they’re drafted, they are not always as restrictive as they may seem, but you need advice on this. You will have to disclose to the noncompete to a new employer if your new position is within the scope (if you don’t and your old job tried to enforce it, the new job may fire you).

      My employer is fairly lenient with noncompetes for people that we’ve laid off (we also only have a few people who have them, and they’re narrow in scope), but YMMV.

      1. Thank you, that’s interesting. I was in credit risk and for my next role I’m very focused on going back to cfo track. I came from big4, so I’m thinking to grab one of the busy season temporary roles now to tide me over until Q2.

    3. Find an employment attorney. If you were in fact retaliated against, you can file with the EEOC.

      Get a copy of your non-compete. No one can advise you on that without seeing the exact language.

      1. Whether retaliation is illegal will depend on what behavior was reported. But talk to an attorney for sure. A non compete that prevents you from working anywhere is likely unenforceable but if properly drafted it may be enforceable but also allow you to work with restrictions on where/in what role.

    4. I am sorry you are going through this. Regarding the non-compete, they are very hard to enforce, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Secondly, I would apply for the jobs I am interested in and see where they go – you may not even get a job offer until after the 6 month non-compete period is over. No sense in paying for an attorney now when funds are already tight, when you might not even need one.

      1. I generally agree but here I’d say talk to a plaintiff side employment lawyer now. They usually work on contingency and may be able to negotiate a severance that includes dropping the noncompete. Will depend on the circumstances (which aren’t clear to me at all, OP is casting what sounds like a firing as a layoff and also mentions an internal complaint that could be the basis for a retaliation claim depending on what she raised).

      2. The enforceability of non-competes also varies significantly by state. Strongly recommend talking to a lawyer about this.

    6. You should ask for and negotiate severance. If your lawyer did not suggest that to you, you need a new lawyer.

    7. You usually have to sign a non compete in exchange for severance. Did you sign the non compete when you were hired?

      I agree with others to ask your attorney but I’d also be amped up to fight this in your shoes.

    8. FYI you can challenge the unemployment denial if your company has said you were fired for cause. And most companies don’t actually show up to contest because it’s not worth their time. But also, do you mean you actually don’t know if you were laid off or fired?

      1. Anon @ 12:02pm, correct I do not know if I was fired or laid off. What was said to me was ‘Senior management have decided to terminate your employment effective today. You will be paid to the end of the month and thereafter you are entitled to cobra if you wish to continue with the benefits plan.’

        I assumed I was fired. Then when I spoke to a colleague I had worked with, he said he and two others were laid off on the same day, at the same time. He was under the impression I was laid off. I not shocked they terminated my employment. I honestly don’t know if it was a firing or a lay off, the only reason it matters is the unemployment claim.

  7. What are the most comfortable pants you own that aren’t athleisure? I’m trying to find a middle ground between yoga pants and my current jeans which are all very stiff.

    1. I bought several pairs of wide-leg pants this season since they’re trending and I LOVE them. It’s so nice not wearing skinny pants anymore, my legs aren’t suffocating!

      1. Which ones? I need to refresh my work wardrobe and the wide leg silhouette has me hooked.

    2. My Good American jeans are very comfortable.

      This one is really random – Billabong Free Fall High-Waist Pants. Seriously. Very comfortable and I get a ton of compliments when I wear them.

      Wide leg linen pants hit that middle ground, but I’m still working on not feeling like I’m wearing pajamas when I wear them.

        1. I’ve kind of been bouncing around sizes lately so it’s hard for me to really tell TTS, but I would say yes.

    3. A pair of stretchy cords from Loft. They are shockingly comfy and feel more pulled together than athleisure.

    4. I’m the commenter above, Talbots Relaxed Fit Chinos. The waist band is not stiff, and the pants are fairly comfortable when you first put them on. I would think other relaxed chinos would be similar.

    5. J Crew Factory pintuck sweatpants. They don’t look like sweatpants and are super comfortable.

      1. Seriously….

        I just saw my primary care doctor, and she looked so comfortable, stylish and modern. I was a little shocked when she told me it was one good Eileen Fisher piece and the rest… EF dupes. She has become my fashion inspiration.

          1. I have often referred to J. Jill as “poor man’s Eileen Fisher.” And I wear both. If you just avoid the mumsy prints of J. Jill, you’re good!

          2. I’m a dedicated wearer of EF sweaters & I get many of them on ebay. I stick them in a ziploc in the freezer for 3 weeks before wearing in case of moths. So far so good.

    8. Gap ponte pants—they feel like sweatpants but are actual work pants with a zip fly and a button. SO COMFY.

      1. I love ponte pants! That’s all I want to wear to work these days and thankfully there a lot of options.

    10. Some mentioned Talbots chinos above. They are so much more comfortable than jeans for me. And the waist stays up when I’m seated. All of my elastic waist athleisure pants give me plumber butt (other than leggings)

    11. Golf pants, I have a few pairs of the Lilly Pulitzer Corso pants. The Lululemon lined dance pants are also great but they may not be making them any longer?

  8. I’m interested in a pair of fleece lined “faux sheer” leggings to wear under skirts this winter. There are just so many brands and influencers and companies following me around Instagram! Does anyone have a recommendation? I’m 5’10, 135lbs and Caucasian. I live in MN so these need to be WARM. It seems many brands are available in only one or two sizes and often things like that don’t work for my height. Thanks in advance!

    2. KBVOT fleece lined on Amazon. I saw someone wearing these at an outdoor event and we got to talking. I liked them so much that I had her send me the link. The faux sheer showing throw the black is great.

  9. I want to get a pair of the Vuori joggers everyone likes. How’s the sizing? I’m a curvy 12-14 with a smaller waist.

    2. Runs small. Also be warned those are only inside the house pants, they’re basically PJs. Not worth it IMHO post-pandemic.

      2. OP here and that’s OK – I want them for WFH and to take camping, so they don’t need to be super presentable. Thanks all!

        1. fwiw I have a lot of LLL and prefer Vuori as they are SOOOO soft and cozy. but also I wear them out of the house.

    3. Yep, I’m a 6-8 and the M fits me, but a little snugger than I expected. Agree that they are mostly lounging around the house pants, but I WFH and they are cute and comfortable.

    4. I would get a large, but I guess I am the odd one who doesn’t think they run small. They were my postpartum bff and were very accommodating to that shape.

      1. I’m about the same size and got Ls instead of XLs (tried on both in store and liked the L fit better).

        While they are pretty and soft, I feel like they make my cellulite look really pronounced. It’s sort of an irritating surprise because I don’t really have a lot of cellulite and I can’t think of another pair of pants where I’ve had that issue. But maybe it’s the color I got – sort of a light slate blue.

    6. I think they run large. I sized down to get a cute trim fit that looks good for wearing them out of the house.

    7. I LOVE my vuori joggers. I thought it was ridiculous to spend that much on sweatpants until I got them and then I bought a second pair – they’re my default relaxation pants at home because they’re so soft. I’m size 8-10 and got a L so I’d suggest XL

  10. What are some fun Christmas-themed things to do in Chicago? I’m taking my mom and sister in early December. My mom has fond memories of the decorations on Michigan Avenue when she lived there decades ago, and I’m hoping to capture a little bit of that magic after a tough year for her. I’d like to stay someplace with a huge Christmas tree in the lobby, do some walking around (she’s seventy but active), and not have to go too far afield. Budget is flexible–willing to spend on accommodations for sure. Touristy options are welcome!

    1. High tea at a fancy hotel always screams Christmas to me, but you probably need reservations now.

    2. My family’s favorites are the Christkindlmarket in Daley Plaza and the Museum of Science and Industry Christmas Tree exhibit. MSI isn’t walkable from Michigan Ave but it’s an easy uber/CTA. Every so often we’ll do the Nutcracker ballet at the Joffrey. I think the Palmer House will have a Christmas tree in the lobby, but not sure.

    3. Zoolights at the Lincoln Park Zoo. Tickets are pretty cheap. Christkindl market in the loop or Wrigleyville. If you go to the Wrigleyville location there are a lot of dive-y bars down the block that decorate for the holidays.

    4. I always loved the Christmas market (Christkindlmarket), and your mom will like it if she liked the decorations on Michigan ave!

    6. You could also do the nutcracker by the Joffrey ballet at the lyric opera house. The sing along white Christmas at the music box. The CSO also does a Christmas concert. My grandma used to always love the Christmas trees in the museum of science and industry but they’re a little weird. The berth off is a pretty place to eat at Christmas time. Thanks for posting this – I forgot how much I love Christmas in chicago!

    7. 1. Watch the carolers in front of the Bean + the “official” city Christmas tree at Millennium Park
      2. The windows at Marshall Field’s/Macys + Dinner/Lunch at the Walnut Room with the giant tree
      3. The Chris White Jazz Trio does several shows around the city playing the Charlie Brown Christmas album–this is my personal favorite Christmas tradition
      4. Holiday tea at the Drake or the Peninsula
      5. Second City will have a holiday-themed improv show (their shows can lean NSFW generally but I’ve been to many of the Christmas ones with my mom and don’t recall any raunchy humor)
      6. There’s usually a few pop up bars around the Michigan Ave area–Nutcracker themed, Christmas Vacation themed, etc.
      7. ZooLights at the Lincoln Park Zoo
      8. This is a bit out of the way but the Museum of Science and Industry does a yearly exhibit with Christmas trees decorated in the style of different countries and their respective winter festivals
      9. The Nutcracker at the Joffrey or A Christmas Carol at the Goodman (can be tough to get tickets so look well in advance)

    8. Be prepared that a lot of the window decorating along Michigan Ave doesn’t happen much anymore. Schedule a tea in the Walnut room at Macys or at one of the hotels (Langham is good for this but there are plenty of others). I live in the suburbs but we usually come in for a couple of nights and do a fancy dinner or breakfast just to enjoy the hustle and bustle.

    9. I love Chicago but I don’t think of it as a town that goes all out for Christmas. In addition to the things already mentioned, the botanic garden has a nice light display, but it’s in the burbs (Glencoe).

  11. How would you respond if an intern showed up to your office Halloween party wearing a Free Palestine shirt, with fake blood on themselves and said they were a type of zombie?

    And yes – this actually happened last week at my friend’s office.

    1. If I was their supervisor or HR, send them home with a firm “that is not appropriate in the workplace”. If I was not, I would complain to HR.

      1. If I was their supervisor or HR I would send them home with the firm “not appropriate in the workplace”, and fire them the next day for anti-semitism and lack of judgment.

          1. “Literally no one has said that” commenter from the first thread, here you go. This is one of many examples.

          2. I’m not denying antisemitism exists, but unless someone specifically knows about blood libel as explained below, they wouldn’t necessarily understand how this is antisemitic and given how many other people also seem confused by the antisemitic comments, I’m not alone. Silver lining, I suppose it’s a good thing that many people don’t know of this stereotype.

          3. Come on, this is obviously more than just “criticism of the Israeli government.” No one has said all criticism of the Israeli government is antisemitic.

    2. that would have made me extremely uncomfortable. if I was their supervisor I would’ve sent them home, informing them that antisemitism isn’t tolerated at our workplace, and if this is an internship for credit, I would have notified their school and required that they attend diversity training if they’d like to continue working for us.

    5. I would have sent them home immediately, then scheduled a talk with HR. I would also state that I would not be willing to give that person a reference; it reflects poorly on both character and judgement.

    6. Email HR with their supervisor CC’ed. Explain that I expect HR to send the intern home for the day, mandate diversity training for the intern, contact the school (if the intern is getting school credit), and email the office condemning the costume and stating that anti-Semitism will not be tolerated. The supervisor needs to tell the intern that this is unacceptable and they will not act as a reference in the future. They should also explain that this may affect other employees’ willingness to mentor the intern or do anything more than their official job duties require. The intern needs to understand that this disgusting stunt torpedoed their professional relationships, it will limit the knowledge they gain at this job, and they seriously hurt their networking opportunities.

    7. if you’re not their supervisor, you tell their supervisor, and in the meantime tell them to turn the shirt inside out to wear.

    8. If I wasn’t their supervisor, I’d say something audible like, “wow, that’s inappropriate,” and excuse myself from the office party as fast as possible. I doubt I’d say something to my HR or my manager, but I don’t have time for that sort of thing.

    9. While I think this is very inappropriate, I’m confused at how this is antisemitic. I interpreted the costume as making light of Palestinian deaths, which of course, is grossly disturbing in of itself. Unless semitic is being used in these comments in a more academic way?

        1. +2. The costume is deeply inappropriate but saying “free Palestine” is not inherently anti-Semitic.

        2. Saying “Free Palestine” is not inherently so, but wearing the costume in the current climate of events covered in blood when one of the longstanding historic stereotypes against Jews is so-called blood libel (e.g. Jews are murderers) is what takes it from not only grossly inappropriate to anti-semitic.

          1. Interesting…never heard of blood libel as a stereotype. I googled and see it’s a thing. Just never come across this.

          2. Yeah, no, hard disagree. Any disagreement with Israel is not anti-Semitic. Taking that stance means anything the Israeli government does is fine, no matter how abhorrent.

      2. I thought the same thing. the costume so distasteful I’m not even sure what political statement he’s trying to make, apart from being an idiot.

        1. +1 I don’t get the political statement (are Palestinians zombies that just won’t die already? Are Palestinians victims?), but very disrespectful to mock any ongoing war!

          1. Agreed, I don’t really get it but it seems incredibly disrespectful to everyone.

      3. I also agree. I guess they’re trying to make a political statement about Palestinian deaths, but I would actually find it more offensive from that perspective than antisemitic. Definitely not appropriate for work either way.

      4. Saying “Free Palestine” is not inherently so, but wearing the costume in the current climate of events covered in blood when one of the longstanding historic stereotypes against Jews is so-called blood libel (e.g. Jews are murderers) is what takes it from not only grossly inappropriate to anti-semitic.

  12. Does anyone here have hardsided luggage from Quince? if so, how do you like it? I’m considering a hardsided carryon with a front pocket and would appreciate feedback on that feature as well (Quince brand or otherwise).

    1. Quince is overall the most disappointing brand I’ve tried. Everything is just not quite right. Their luggage is a rip off of Away per their ads. Just get the Away, it’s great.

      1. “Just not quite right” is the perfect description of Quince, unfortunately. It’s so close that I convince myself I don’t need to return it, but then I am just a little bit annoyed by their stuff every time I wear it.

      2. Away is not great. If Quince isn’t quite Away, then Quince must be very, very bad.

    3. Just as a counterpoint, I buy a lot of Quince clothes and am generally very satisfied. The quality seems in line with mall brands like BR and Jcrew, and I’ve found the cashmere and silk to be as nice, if not nicer. No clue about their luggage though.

    4. There’s no way I’d buy luggage from them. The brand is such poor quality. You can get away with that for t-shirts, but not luggage.

    5. I have the medium-sized (70L?) hard shell from Quince– I like it! The wheels are good, it’s been on three longhaul flights and is sturdy. It’s been packed very full, including with multiple bottles of whisky and wine, with no issues. I’m not a huge fan of Quince’s clothes, but the luggage is good.

      My point of comparison: I have two Rimowas (cabin sized), was unwilling to pay the post-LVMH price increases, and thought Away was not worth the money. I also considered the hardshell bags from Muji, which otherwise look very good, but I’m too discombobulated to deal with a key rather than combination for the lock. The Muji has a great feature to stop the bag from rolling, however, so if you’re fine with a key, that would be the other option I’d strongly consider.

  13. My anxiety has been at an all-time high, where I’m irritable and feel a constant tightness in my chest, and feel like I can burst at any time. Any small thing will send me (mentally) spiraling. I am going to talk to my therapist about this this in detail later this week, but I think it’s honestly a culmination of a few very hard years for me. I don’t expect life to be “easy” but I think it’s just been a lot at once. I was on a SSRI for about ~2 years and stopped taking it earlier this year. I’d prefer to stay off of it – it helped tremendously but I think I had some GI/weight side effects.

    I’ve lost a parent to illness and a teenage niece to suicide, gone through a very rough time in my marriage, had a toddler with some (overall pretty minor but hard-for-me – and I know it could be a lot more tough) developmental delays, gone through a really tough time/toxic situation at work, and of course all of this is happening while the world constantly feels in crisis. Where possible, many of these things (marriage, work, kid), I’m on the other side, or I’ve put the right things in place in terms of “solutions”.

    However, I find myself quickly spiraling and looking for issues. It’s like my mind can’t rest because it’s so used to being in fight-or-flight mode. Apart from therapy (which I may increase), what has helped you deal?

    I’m trying to do more self-care – last night I had a glass of wine, and listened to some 432 Hz music, etc. I also made sure I got out for a walk with my weighted vest in the middle of the WFH workday.

    TIA.

    1. Mindfulness has helped me a great deal for this type of anxiety!! If I acknowledge the feeling but let it pass without engaging with it, I find that it DOES pass. This takes a lot of practice, admittedly. I use the Calm app a lot and also attend in-person meditation sessions to cultivate mindfulness.

    4. New job. Getting out of a toxic environment made everything else improve. Also, long distance running.

      1. Swimming for me. It’s the one thing that reliably gets me out of states like that.
        Or taking a nice shower with fancy soaps etc

    5. Sleep. When I am sleep deprived, I spiral faster and harder. This is a medical issue, so it’s worth figuring out how to get more sleep – husband is point person on weekend mornings, etc

    6. SSRI again, possibly a different one. These events all at once for a long time sound like adrenaline producing, and longterm exposure in to this can temporarily change brain chemistry. You need to help retrain your brain out of it trying to protect you via its fight or flight mechanism from this time period–it is reacting to stimuli now that are not “scary”. Meds will help overall, as well as to make the therapy more impactful.

  14. Just got back from my first flight in awhile, and was a little annoyed at myself for wearing my lace up sneakers that take too long to get on/off when going through security. I should have a good, sleek pair of slip on shoes for this.

    What is your favorite slip-on airplane shoe that you wear with socks?

    I want decent comfort/support since I am often walking a lot in the airport etc.., but easy to slip on/off and still warm for the plane since my feet are always cold. But not something big/ugly/clunky. Something I can wear if traveling for work or pleasure. Black.

    1. TSA precheck will be cheaper than a new pair of shoes. You should wear your bulkiest shoes on the plane to save room in your suitcase.

      4. And many credit cards cover it, so this is a good chance to get a fancy credit card because this benefit will make the annual fee worth it (at least for the first year).

    3. Thanks about the TSA reminder. I’ll look into it.
      Honestly the time to look into that, drive an hour each way to do it (our locations are at our distant airport/terrible traffic to get in/out), pay for it, keep track and renew it, whatever… I’d rather buy the shoes online and call it a day.

      I don’t travel enough that I’ll pick up another travel credit card at this point.

      Just thought someone would have a favorite good shoes rec, as I get so many great ones here. Hope they $100 or less, but would pay more if they were so awesome I’d want to wear them at home/running errands/whatever.

      1. If you get Global Entry (which includes Precheck) you can do the interview on arrival from an international flight. It’s quick and easy. We had a fairly short connection for an international trip (1.5 hours) when we did it and had no problems.

          1. You’ll have to fill out the form online first and get pre-approved, but you can do that from home.

    4. Caveat: I don’t fly in the US, but in Europe.

      My favorite airport shoes are Allbirds, though, comfortable and warm. Second, Chelsea boots.

      I can’t remember the last time I had to remove my shoes, but I’m pretty sure that only happens when I wear lace up boots with lots of hardware. Those boots also have a zip, so very easy to handle.

  15. ISO advice from Bay Area rettes: a friend with no assets, no job, and a controlling, alcoholic husband has finally decided to leave her marriage. He is emotionally abusive (she is “not allowed” to have a cell phone, for example) and has an explosive temper, although he has never hit them. They have two children (around middle school aged). She wants to leave the marriage this spring, but doesn’t know what steps to take, who to call, etc. Who should she contact? Is there a Family Law clinic at any of the local law schools anyone can recommend? Or should she seek out advice from a women’s shelter first? Everything is complicated by her lack of phone, of course, but I would be grateful for any advice!

    1. She should contact CROC, the Cooperative Restraining Order Clinic — call their intake line (415) 969-6711. They also have a website but they mostly operate via phone and in person clinics. https://www.roclinic.org/ CROC will assist with obtaining a TRO/RO. They can also connect her with resources to other orgs. They are SF based. Outside of the city, Bay Area Legal Aid (BALA) has a few different offices that have dedicated DV clinics. Shalom Bayit based out of Oakland is also very good at connecting people with the resources they need.

    3. A local DV agency could refer her to Bay Area Legal Aid. Other options might include probonoproject.org, allforthefamilylegalclinic.org, Legal Access Alameda, and the Family Violence Law Center. Some of the county court houses have family law self help office hours. https://www.justia.com/lawyers/family-law/california/oakland/legal-aid-and-pro-bono-services?amp https://www.justia.com/lawyers/family-law/california/oakland/legal-aid-and-pro-bono-services?amp I would suggest you start calling around to see if any of them can help—don’t be discouraged if some can’t help, keep trying other places. If you post a throw away email, I can try to help.

      1. I’m not sure it would be safe for a woman who’s not allowed to have a phone to post on something as public as Next Door

        I think I’d recommend a domestic abuse organization as her first step. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is often recommended. If it’s not physical (yet!) she might not view herself as an abuse victim, but if it’s gotten so bad that she can’t even have a phone, this feels like an emergency.

        1. That’s not the Next Door the social media site. Next Door Solutions is a DV org.

          1. Oh! I didn’t read the content of the link! I was very confused about the suggestion— sorry for my misunderstanding!

    5. Can you or she set up a gmail and Google Voice number? That way she could access it on computers at the library.

    6. WOMAN Inc has a helpline that can connect her to resources, including shelters. She can also trying emailing.
      Cooperative Restraining Order Clinic (CROC) provides free legal services (mostly restraining orders) and has walk in hours in the Mission.
      She should try to document the abuse to the extent possible and try to come up with a safety plan.
      I’ll keep an eye on this thread today if you have any follow up questions. I’ve been volunteering in this space for a long time and am based in SF.

    7. Can you buy her a burner phone/prepaid cheap cell phone? She’d have to hide it, but it would give her a starting point.

      1. To the other poster’s point of documenting, she needs to document any abuse against the kids. If the abuse is targeted to her, he could easily get some custody of the kids.

    8. OP here. Thank you so much for these ideas and resources, especially about documenting the abuse and who to contact. This is such a big help. Will check out these ideas and share and see what she wants to do. Many many thanks.

  16. I come from a family where everyone dies at home and most family lives in one small town, except my parents, who moved far away. I, in turn, moved 12 hours away from my parents (an easy flight from my city though, same time zone). Mom has a terminal condition, is still at home, life expectancy is ~ 12 months. Dad takes care of her now and still drives and cooks a bit. At some point, Mom will likely have to need more care, but that will be near where they live and their doctors. Dad — what do you all do with an aging parent far away who does not want to move? I’m guessing daily check-ins and maybe quarterly visits to make sure all is actually going well? We get along well. He intellectually knows this isn’t a great set-up, but I think that he won’t want to leave right away and the grief will be a lot for him. I love him so much and don’t want to find that he has died alone. Do people just swoop in to collect an older relative at some point and say “we’ll just deal with this old house of yours and all your stuff later” and take them away for the winter? At some point, he won’t be able to take his trash out to the main road, etc., and isn’t the sort to ask for help. I think that his plan was to die first, knowing that mom would then have made the reasonable decision to move to my city.

    1. You ask your dad what he wants, and if he wants to stay, you put systems in place so that people check on him. Once he gets quite a bit less mobile, you move him closer to you. His world will be smaller then.

      But you need to have the conversation about what he wants, and how his local community (neighbors, faith org, friends) can support him with that on a go-forward basis.

    2. Honestly? A lot of times I see the parent refusing to make changes until there is a medical crisis of some kind, at which point they’re unable to protest. It’s awful. But lean on friends, neighbors, charitable organizations and government assistance (in my county senior services are organized through the county health department). Arrange for plowing/mowing, etc. Make sure your father has his legal documents in order should he become incapacitated (Power of Attorney, Advance directive, will, trust, etc). It sounds like he’s fine for now, and he may want a change after your mother’s death, so some of your worry may be premature. I’m sorry about your mother.

      1. That’s what happened to my parents: I begged them to make a plan, and they came back and said “our plan is to be carried out of here feet first.” Only problem was, when they were carried out feet first, they were still alive. It was a mess and they were super mad at me for the rest of their lives because I had to scramble to find assisted livign while they were incapacitated in separate hospitals. Now I tell people to tell their parents, “If you refuse to make a plan, you need to understand that means you are consenting to whatever arrangement I can cobble together on an emergency basis, which may or may not be what you would have chosen for yourself.”

        Anyway… I agree, make sure to get the POA, etc. as soon as possible so you will have it when you need it. And I think enlisting your mom’s help, if possible, is a good idea.

        1. My in-laws are heading down this road, and I’m not looking forward to it. But I’ve also made it clear that I’m not living with my in-laws under any circumstances.

      2. Sadly, this. I begged my parent not to wait for a crisis with the other parent who had dementia and was being kept at home long after that was a good idea. No go, until the midnight call for help and I was what should have been an hour away. Small rural communities being what they are, which is good as often as it is bad, I was able to get informal police escort through two counties and have the parental home county sheriff’s department meet me at their home. The crisis involved a violent rampage resulting in injury. And y’all, I had begged and begged not to wait for a crisis.

        I know not everyone can be comfortable involving law enforcement, but have some sort of plan in place so that at least you are not figuring it out on the fly.

        I have one aunt who cheerfully went to assisted living before her living alone became an issue. I hope to be like her.

    3. In our case, it involved a combination of extended visits by him to our location 3 times a year at 2-3 weeks each time. We had a house with a separate bedroom and bathroom in the basement and we did up a little kitchenette so he could do breakfast by himself in the morning (our morning routine with 3 kids and a dog was a big overwhelming). Ate dinner together every night.

      Visited with the kids for a week or two. I usually did one or two solo visits for a week or so. My work was good about allowing me to WFH on those weeks.

      When we were not visiting him or he was not visiting us, we had weekly meal delivery service. He was still able to heat meals in the oven himself but was not reliable about cooking a solid meal for dinner every evening. He did his own breakfast/lunch.

      Cleaning service every week that changes sheets and did laundry in addition to floors/bathrooms. Aging in place was best for him because the social connections he had in our small town were important.

      1. Adding that ideally you could get your Mom on board with getting a lot of the in home set up in place before she passes away. She may be worried about your dad after she is gone and be on board with getting cleaning services and meal delivery services set up before she passes. Dad may be more amenable if she requests it and/or it’s set out as helping him focus on time with her.

        On the medication front – find a pharmacy that does blister packs if there is a need to take multiple medications at multiple times through out the day as then there is no confusion about if certain medications have been taken.

    4. My dad died when I was young and my mom died when I was in my early 50s. She needed care for several years at the end of her life but refused to move. Fortunately she was still mentally acute and understood that the trade-off was that her children, who have all moved out of our small hometown to make a living, would not be able to be her daily care providers. She ended up in a skilled nursing facility more often than she might have if she’d had someone at home to care for her there, but – I know you’re not going to believe this – she liked the company. It made my skin crawl to visit her in those places when I could, but there’s no question that she was happy and well cared for. I think she was afraid that she’d die alone at home like one of her siblings did, so being at a healthcare facility was her security blanket.

      I just provide you this story to remind you that there are a lot of eldercare services out there. One interim step for Dad might be a senior living situation, or if he ends up being infirm in any way, an assisted living facility (my mom was also in and out of those), and at worst, a skilled nursing facility. Maybe home visits, but that won’t be enough for things like taking the trash out.

      The thing to remember is that your dad is an adult who at least as of right now appears to have all of his facilities and can make decisions for himself. This isn’t all on you.

  17. I am going to a networking event at a golf course. I have never golfed (nor do I anticipate golfing, but more of hanging). What do I wear? I’m thinking chinos/khakis, polo shirt (or blouse?), and loafers. Does that sound right?

      1. No jeans! Do I wear a casual dress? Pants + top? (I own no non-dress pants and non-jeans, so I will need to go buy something)

        1. noooo not a dress. Think slim pants in a tech material, sneakers, like- nice athleisure but not too tight.

          1. Okay, sneakers I have! Any thoughts on particular slim pants? I am going to go to the mall this weekend, and so it would be helpful to narrow it down :)

          3. +1 those Athleta ones above that rettes highly recommended. Those are perfect for a golf outing.

            I used to do golf outings like this all the time – I didn’t golf so I would run a mini competition at one of the holes. I thought it was actually the best networking since I got to see and talk to everyone.

  18. I saw Killers of the Flower Moon over the weekend with my husband. I’m native/mixed/Caucasian presenting. My husband is suddenly very excited about this and has called me a squaw (once. He won’t make that mistake again) and is now saying I should wear a blanket as a coat-shawl like Mollie in the movie. Wish me luck.

      1. Yeah, I agree.

        I’m assuming this post was kind of tongue in cheek (?), but luck is not what’s needed here. I hope he was just somehow very clueless and knocks it off immediately and with embarrassment when you’ve explained why his statements and actions are super not okay.

    4. I’m Native and pretty horrified by your husband’s response. I’m sorry…commiseration. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I have close friends who are Osage and I’m familiar with the historical events depicted.

      But wow…has he ever said problematic things like this before? This is a good example of why proximity to (being Native/Black/etc) doesn’t mean you lack biases about that community.

      With that said, everyone is human, so I’d be more concerned about how he reacts to your “wow, ouch”. Did he realize his mistake? Did he listen when you explained squaw is commonly seen as a racial slur for Native women? Did he learn how many communities are removing that word from public lands? Or did he just say he was kidding and laugh it off?

      1. Thanks for your comment. I’m OP and just seeing this hours later. I think overall he has the hots for Lily Gladstone (I mean, who doesn’t) and that’s where the blanket idea came from. Also, I am always freezing while he’s warm so it’s a somewhat practical suggestion, but sweaters exist.

        He was definitely contrite about the squaw comment! He heard them using “Squaw Man” or something like that in the movie to refer to white men married to native women, so he called himself that (which was indirectly calling me a squaw) and I shut it down hard. He didn’t realize it was a slur. So at least one small piece of education came out of the movie.

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