Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Buckle-Trim Georgette Dress

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

A well-fitting, figure-flattering black dress will never let you down. This short-sleeved dress from Ralph Lauren looks effortlessly elegant, with its spread collar and short dolman sleeves with rolled cuffs. I would wear this with some understated gold jewelry and classic black pumps for an easy, chic look.

The dress is $175 and comes in sizes 14–24 (at Ralph Lauren) and 2–16 (at Macy's and Ralph Lauren).

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Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
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  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

330 Comments

  1. Oh I love this. Unfortunately it appears to be £269 in the U.K. (At John Lewis) which is too spendy for me.

    1. Not a fan of the dropped shoulder seam, which is way too common these days. Otherwise it’s beautiful.

  2. Help! I’m looking for a really specific kind of white sneaker, but have no idea where to start.

    I’m looking for a sneaker in the tennis shoe style. I need a generous toe box and a narrow heel. (Chucks are too narrow for me in the toes, for reference.)

    But I am only interested in a true leather upper. No plastics, no vegan leather, I want actual leather. And I want a cream or off-white shoe, not a true white.

    I really like the look of the Stan Smith Adidas, but I’m not loving the new vegan “upgrade”, so it seems those are out.

    Anybody? Any recs?

    1. I have a pair of Axel Arigato sneakers and they are true quality leather and have a variety of colors – my white sneakers from them aren’t as stark white as others. I have a similar foot shape – wide toes and narrow heels and these fit great. I also have golden goose but I like these better – less cliche and great quality, plus a more accessible price point.

    2. I have a lot of luck with other adidas styles. My current white sneakers are the Grand Court style and the toe box is great.

    3. Keds is where I landed for this. I also need a generous tow box and narrow heel. The box could be a bit wider but is as good as I could find and works fine for a few hours at a time. I wouldn’t walk for 12 hours in them. They look great with dresses and are leather and a slight off white.

    4. can I ask why you’re opposed to “vegan leather” aka pleather? It doesn’t look cheesy in person if that’s what you’re worried about. Vejas would otherwise tick your boxes pretty well.

      1. Not the OP, but my shoes can do plastic in something well-ventilated like a Croc. But not in something like a sneaker. My feet need something that breathes, esp, if I am not in socks.

        1. I also assume it doesn’t stretch and mold to the foot in the way that leather does, but I could be wrong.

          1. Yes to both of the above comments. Fake leather also scuffs much more easily than the real thing.

        1. ooohhh you are totally right. I knew they had a vegan option but blanked on the fact that most are regular leather.

          OP – bottom line here – look at the leather Vejas :)

      2. Anon nailed it! My brain don’t mind vegan leather, but my body does. I get cold and stinky or hot and stinky, with blisters, so I’ve stopped buying them. Leather, canvas and wool are great.

      3. Not OP either, but I’m no longer buying fake leather. Someone posted a few weeks ago complaining about vegan leather. And had linked an article about how the popularity of vegan leather has reduced demand for real leather and now there is a surplus of cow hides from the beef industry—like they’re throwing them away. Seems like such a waste. Real leather feels better anyways.

    5. I had a similar question a few weeks back (though not specifically looking for leather) and upon suggestions here I ordered the following white sneakers: Ecco street tray, Keds center ii , adidas Stan smith, and naturalizer Morrison.

      The naturalizers were the only ones big enough in the toe box for me. I do have to put insoles in though – they feel very soft and squishy which is comfortable at first but not firm enough for me for long periods (probably because I wear birks 99% of the time). YMMV but I think the best way is to order and return a bunch (which is not great) or go to an actual store.

      1. Sounds like you have a pair now, but if not, you might want to check out Lems – I just got a pair of their “Chillum” sneakers in Vanilla and they are super comfy. I got them specifically for the wide toebox.

    6. Try ecco sneakers. They have lots of different styles and the leather is good quality- bonus- they fit inserts and orthotics with their roomy toe boxes.

    7. I’m really happy with my leather supergas. I have a stark white pair, but they have it in cream and light grey also.

      1. Dumb question – These are pronounced “Superga”, made plural, right not super gas?

    8. Thank you everybody for the recommendations! This is truly helpful, have put several on my list to try in person.

      The Ecco Street Tray are the perfect cream color I’m looking for, haven’t worn Ecco since I was a child, will have to try again. And the Arigato ones look really nice.

    9. I recently bought a pair of Birdies leather sneakers. The Cardinal style in the all off-white / cream color. I have wide feet though not narrow heels. They’re very comfy for me!

  3. What does one wear to sit in a box at a baseball game with executives? I am decidedly not a sports ball fan and have no idea what is the norm in these situations. It will probably be 95 degrees and humid, so my top priority is to not melt. Comfy shoes would also be good since I will have to walk far.

    1. I feel like Athleta non-sporty pants that are wicking and Rothys and an untucked shirt in a weave that breathes and wicks and won’t cling to your skin. Hair off your neck (loose ponytail). Cool drinks. BUT some suites have A/C, so some sort of scarf also possibly.

    2. Slim pants or carpris and a blouse (not a t shirt), sleeveless is probably fine if that’s your jam. Not a skirt or dress – you might be situated in a place where people in the stands look up at you from below; you might also have to walk up a bunch of steps to get there. White or cute (not athletic) sneakers.

      Vaguely related, when I was 8 months pregnant and in litigation, a partner dragged me to a basketball game with a client he hated – per my boss, I was supposed to pretend to go into labor right before half-time so he’d have an excuse to leave the game / meeting. Nice to feel valued.

    3. If it’s a suite, there will be indoor space and outdoor seating. The indoor space will have AC.
      I recommend casual wear. You’ll want to bring something to put on if you are inside and it gets cool. A dress with sneakers would be appropriate. Shorts and a tee/top with sneakers are also appropriate. You could get away with capris if you aren’t into showing legs. Something “cute” but not too business, essentially. FWIW, I am often in these types of scenarios and I default to shorts and a top or a summer dress that isn’t too short or low-cut with sneakers. I’d also wear a ballcap probably but it would depend on the teams. If you are concerned with thigh rub, either wear a pair of those skims-like shorts under the dress and use some body glide.

      1. I commented below, but you would not look appropriate in shorts and a tee at the corporate events I’ve attended in suites. Proceed with caution if you want to go that casual – I would ask around about what people have worn in the past before assuming this was ok.

    4. I usually wear a sleeveless sundress or cropped linen pants with a pretty shell. Flat sandals or low wedges (espadrilles are good). Men will prob be in polo shirts and slacks. Serious fans may show up in team gear but by no means is this an obligation. Just try not to wear the colors of the opposing team.

      Boxes in my stadium have AC – while it by no means makes it “cool” it keeps you from melting. (Do you know where the box is located vs. the sun?)

      Check your stadium’s rules on bags. Mine allow small purses and crossbodies but backpacks and large totes might have to be stored in a locker near the entrance, etc.

    5. You may want to look into golf attire…there are nice dresses, collared shirts and skorts, longer bermuda shorts…made for hot weather and very suitable for business events

    6. No matter which of the options (below) you go with, it might not be a bad idea to incorporate one of the home team’s colors into your ensemble.

    7. If you have anything even vaguely in the home team’s colors, I’d start there. Don’t wear a dress – even in the boxes you’re going to have to climb stadium steps. Agree with others who said lightweight pants, a loose top, and comfortable shoes. Also agree to bring a layering piece for the possibility the box has a/c, but even if it does you’ll spend a good amount of time outside just getting there. My favorite stadium boxes have both inside and outside seats so be prepared for that.

      1. I am not sure of the logic of avoiding a dress – a longish dress (sleeveless but not strappy; knee or midi length) with fashion sneakers is my go-to for this kind of thing because they are cooler than capri or ankle pants and dressier than shorts.

        But then none of the ball parks I have been to in the past decade have had steps or seating where I needed to worry about people being able to look up my skirt. These are not high school bleachers – but maybe it is just the parks I usually visit are all newer? And the boxes all have direct access from the concourse anyway.

    8. And also, find out what the opposing team’s colors are and avoid them like the plague!

  4. Wwyd? Context: I’m closing in on 40, with two, teenage kids, spouse with stable income. Our primary home is small, but assessed at $425k and our mortgage is $240k at 3%, 30 years in a Northeastern college town where stable housing prices have steadily risen.

    Hoping to eventually rent house out for the summers once kids are out of the house and purchase either:

    -A cabin by a lake in a neighboring Northeastern state. Pros: Lower climate change risk/no flood insurance, peaceful setting to kayak and swim. Spouse likes to ski and it’s close to ski areas. Cons: 3-4 hour drive, can get somewhat dull.

    Or

    -A condo/house by the ocean 2.5 hours away in same state. Pros: Have other relatives there, love the ocean, could rent it. Cons: Climate change risk, flood insurance could be pricey.

    The wildcard idea would be to just try to buy cheap land not right on the lake and try to swing both. Have any of you regretted purchasing land/a second property? Anyone rent your vacation property or primary house out? Is the idea of buying beach property totally stupid given imminent sea level rise?

    1. Cabin by the lake if it’s near a cute town. I think skiing and kayaking are great but I would struggle to live in a sleepy small rural area. I think a beach house would be too expensive to maintain overall and the lake cabin would probably give you more disposable income.

    2. I live in Greater Boston so I’m going to make some assumptions based on what you’re saying.

      I’d pick cabin in NH, ME or VT over the Cape (assuming those are your options). I love the cape, don’t get me wrong, but “it’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there”, so they say. So overrun with tourists / out of towners, congested. I think the lakes region of NH and Maine are lovely. The caveat being I’m a sailor and sincerely want a place to put a 35-45′ sailboats. I’ve never sailed on a lake and I think only a few could handle a boat that size… but that’s a me problem and not a you problem. you could also use the lake house year-round vs the cape, which largely shuts down. I say lake near a town/some degree of amenities.

      1. I would buy a beach place on the North or South Shore, not the Cape, but would still encounter Cape traffic for a short bit. Lake place would be in Maine vs. New Hampshire or Vermont.

    3. Cabin by the lake, assuming that it’s still accessible to small towns that have grocery stores and small shops and has good internet availability.

      I love the ocean too, but for me the climate change risk is too high to think of any beach condo or house as any kind of long term plan; the uncertainty isn’t worth it for me.

      1. +1. I love to ski, so cabin by the lake is a no brainer for me, but you could rent it out when you’re not skiing, too.

      2. +2. I wouldn’t count on being able to rent out either your primary home or your vacation home. The people in my family who own vacation homes have found it not worthwhile to try to rent them out. For one thing, you will probably want to use the cabin yourself during peak rental demand periods.

    4. Team cabin by the lake, but I love to ski. You could rent that one out too when not in use.

    5. Never, ever buy beachfront property unless you’re so wealthy it doesn’t matter. It’s very, very common for beachfront houses, or houses vulnerable to hurricanes/severe storm damage near the water to become unsafe to the point where they’re not habitable, or repairs are exorbitant. Your pricey insurance will not pay out until the house falls into the ocean, which could be years and years later (during which time, you still have to pay all taxes, all insurance, and you can’t do anything with the property). Then once it does fall into the ocean, you have to pay a cleanup fee of 50k+.

      1. I was coming to say this. My family has place in a highly desirable, very posh, Jersey Shore location. In the last decade, the elevator in the home has been destroyed in 2 hurricanes. Code is such that when the power goes out, the elevator goes to the ground floor. Ground floor is the garage because the house is stilted (again, to code). Point being, if you don’t have big enough bucks that this sort of thing is NBD, I’d stick with lake front property.

        1. Fwiw, relatives have owned homes in the beach area I’d be looking in since 1950 and all are still standing and undamaged, but your point is very valid! Sigh. It probably doesn’t make sense. I just love the ocean so much, and if anything would rather sell my primary home eventually and live there but climate change and storms. :( A lake place in the Northeast could be much more modest and initially just land with eventually building a cabin.

      2. This is largely true, HOWEVER there are some exceptions. My dad lives in a beautiful home in RI that is elevated and not in a flood zone. It’s rare, but if you shop carefully you can find these homes.

        Connecticut or bayside Long Island much of the South Shore/ South Coast of Massachusetts is all waterfront property with very little risk of the type of hurricane damage described above.

        1. We’d be buying on the North or South Shore of MA. In winter storms, water has come up to the steps of my family’s house there, but no major damage. Main concern would be sea level rise over the next 20-50 years.

          1. We used to live on Crowe point in Hingham. I had no long concerns about sea level in my lifetime. Scituate harbor is another story.

            We have an extended family home on the point in Duxbury; that’s also in a good spot.

      3. I tend to agree, but I also think this depends somewhat on the beach. I’ve lived in NC and GA. You couldn’t pay me to buy a house on the NC beaches. With one or two exception, the NC beaches are glorified sand bars that get hit by hurricanes frequently. The GA beaches on the other hand, are more substantial islands that don’t get hurricanes nearly as frequently. Still probably wouldn’t buy directly oceanfront, but a block or two back, maybe.

    6. Get the place closer to your main home, the further away it is, the harder it is to use and maintain. I don’t regret a second home at all, but I wouldn’t consider renting either the second or main home. Any time you rent you invite issues and headaches and you never make as much as you think. You pay taxes on rental income, pay to repair things renters break and don’t get to have the full enjoyment of your home(s), it’s generally just not worth it. I say this after renting our vacation place for a couple of years as an Airbnb and I never would again.

      1. Thanks for the input-very helpful. I suppose I definitely could be being naive about the idea of renting; I am somewhat fussy, so would prob be very irritated by renters.

      2. Agree, and a 3-4 hour drive is a lot if you decide not to rent and want to just go up for weekends.
        If you rent your house for the whole summer, where does all your stuff go? I guess you could leave it furnished but that will be significant wear and tear, and you will have to pack away all your clothes, bathroom supplies, pantry, etc. I think you might be better off doing a 3-4 week beach rental every summer; pricey but certainly less than buying without the significant risk.

    7. If the second home is somewhere you intend to live as you age, think about proximity to healthcare as well. My parents bought land on the side of a mountain in a rural area when they were in their 40s and running marathons, but never built on it. Now they’re retired, and they don’t want to live there because they’d be 45 minutes away from a hospital.

      1. I know people like this who moved back from Bald Head Island to the mainland. BHI you can retire to if you are 50 and healthy.

      2. Also think about accessibility if you plan to use it as a retirement home in the future. You may not want stairs and hilly terrain to get in and out of your home as you age.

    8. As someone who loves the beach and the mountains/lake, my two deciding factors would be proximity and the town/area of each. At least in my area (Jersey shore/Poconos), both are very rentable, but the shore option will generate more $ per week with a shorter season, while you’ll get less for a Poconos rental but can rent it year round.

      Proximity is huge – you’ll obviously use a place that’s 2.5 hours away more easily and often than somewhere 4 hours away. I’m like 75 mins from my grandparents shore house (except Friday after work traffic) and it’s so easy to pop down for a day or two.

      I’d also factor in the surrounding area. The town that my grandparents house is in is unrecognizable to me from my childhood to now (and I’m not yet 30). It’s entirely different from the place my mom grew up and where my grandparents bought. As much as I love the shore, I hate what it’s become and don’t think I’d buy there now. But, is the lake area too sleepy? Are there still restaurants, grocery stores, things to do on a rainy day? Is there a place for the teenagers to get summer jobs?

      To me, having family in the beach town would be a huge plus. My entire extended family is in our beach town and it’s so fun. We also have some family friends there and to me that makes a huge difference! If you don’t have friends/family in the lake town, could you get a big enough place to host friends got the weekend? Can the house accommodate kids bringing friends?

      Also – are you able to get somewhat comparable houses/locations in each spot? If the option was like a lakefront house vs a beach condo 7 blocks from the beach then I’d much prefer the lake house.

      Finally – if you’d prefer the beach but want somewhere to kayak/swim in calmer waters – does the beach town have a bay? In South Jersey a lot of beaches are barrier islands and thus have nice bays. There are public docks/boat ramps so it’s easy to access to swim/kayak/paddle board. My family honestly spends as much time on the bay as we do on the beach, even though we’re 1 block off the beach / 3 blocks from the bay, but many of our friends never even consider using the bay.

      1. Oh 2 more points:
        1)I 100% second the comment about access to healthcare.
        2) since summers will only get hotter, I’d consider which location is cooler. The beach has a nice sea breeze most, but not every day, but less trees/shade and more concrete so can get hot.

      2. Yes, there’s an airport an hour away from the lake spot and the beach spot is half-hour from a major airport/city. I could explore lake spots that are much closer to my primary home (2 hours) but the place I like is in a state that also has coastline and is much bigger overall than the neighboring two states. I don’t like skiing, so would mostly read/sit by the fire or snowshoe if went there in the winters. With the beach spot, I could see eventually selling primary house and being there year-round if it still existed with climate change. Would a beach condo be less risk than a house in terms of if there were storm damage would repair costs be distributed more evenly?

        1. My in-laws own a beachfront condo. Repairs that have to be coordinated through the condo association are an expensive PITA. They’ve even had to pay a ship to come in, slurp sand up off the bottom of the ocean, and deposit in on the beach. I wouldn’t buy oceanfront property unless you are very rich and can afford a huge money pit, and I wouldn’t assume a condo will do anything other than increase the expense compared with a single-family home.

        2. It depends on the beach condo. My parents owned a beach condo, which we used as a second home when I was in high school and college. When they retired, they wanted to go down to one home. The other owners had no interest in being assessed for upgrades to the roof, shutters, or anything that might protect the building from a storm. For the most part, the other owners had bought in when the condos were cheap (like, $120K in the 90s) and preferred to enjoy it as a second home while it was still standing, vs. putting just as much money in to keep it there if/when a hurricane comes through. My parents sold their condo and moved inland.

          This is in Florida though, so hurricane risk is way higher than the Northeast.

    9. Just something to think about although I’m sure you have:
      So my understanding is you would kind of be “stuck” in either of these locations during the Summer, as your primary residence will be rented out?
      Is the lake cabin closer to an airport than 3-4 hours? How important is it that your then grown kids visit, and with what frequency in the summer? When they get busy with their own lives that might be very difficult for them to do. Which maybe isn’t a big factor in this decision as long as the rest of the year is more fair game? Just be honest with yourself about what that might look like if it is not their thing/it’s too hard for them to get to often and how much that will matter to you.
      (Of the options though I agree hands down lake cabin over beach given the upkeep cost factor).

    10. Are you saying you want to rent your primary home out for the summer? Who are you renting to in your college town that’s only there for the summer *and* that you would trust to take care of your primary residence?

      1. Yeah, this was my question. I think it’s fine to buy a summer property but not if you’d need to rent out your primary home in the summer to cover costs.

        1. This was my thought. And if you have to rent one of the places out to afford the other one, I don’t think you can afford two homes. The financial and logistical balance is too precarious.

      2. I had similar thoughts about the rental plan. I don’t really get how this would work, unless your primary home is also in a destination place where you’re thinking of Airbnb rental style for a week at a time. Personally I wouldn’t do this, I’m too rooted to want to go back and forth and wouldn’t love other people in my primary residence, but of course there are people who do this so it must work for them.

        1. In NC, beach people seem to live at the beach 9 months a year (from after Labor Day until before Memorial Day) and make their $ by going elsewhere in the summer while renting it out. I’d be fine with that — beaches are too hot and lack shade in the summer and Thanksgiving at the beach has been magical (thank you college roommate’s family all those years ago). #goals

          And I’d like to be 3 blocks from the beach, not beachfront. Or someplace like Wilmington where I can get to a beach.

          1. But she’d be renting out her small college town home in the summer, not the potential beach property.

          2. She’s saying she’d rent out the primary home for the summer while they live at the vacation property – at least the way I’m reading it!

      3. I live in a small college town with a specific graduate program that draws serious students who have a heavy courseload from June-August. It’s in my professional field, so I’d be able to vet them, and the students tend to be so buried with coursework that there’s not much time left for socializing/partying.

      4. The only potential market I can think of is summer school students. Not exactly the people I’d want living in my primary home and using my stuff.

    11. When the kids are out of college, can you afford to own two homes without renting one out? I would never put myself in a situation where I was dependent on renting out one home in order to be able to afford them both. Too risky and inflexible.

      1. I wouldn’t have to rent either out. The thought of being able to rent primary home was more just as a means to have some extra income, but probably not worth the hassle. Basically, instead of eventually upgrading to a larger/more updated home, we’d keep our current home with $240k mortgage and be able to purchase another home/land in the $400-$500k range. Obviously, taxes and maintenance etc. are a bigger issue with two homes, but I think we could swing it.

    12. Based on your responses, it sounds like you’d prefer the beach by far. Are both locations equally appealing to your spouse?

      My thoughts on second homes (never having had one) is that they need to be close and be affordable without renting them out. Too many horror stories from relatives where they continually lost money replacing destroyed stuff and spent lots of time, money, and energy dealing with a property management company trying to fix stuff. And maybe it’s different with bigger kids, but the ability to leave town on a Friday evening and get to your vacation spot before it’s too late makes it more likely you actually use it.

      1. Excellent points. Spouse would be disappointed not to be closer to a ski spot, but would still be super doable for them to go skiing a lot during the winter. The other main appeal for the beach place is that we have extended family there, so it would be a place for cousins to be able to spend time with each other during the summers. I love a lake, but get restless after awhile, while never getting sick of the beach-ever! :)

        1. On that note, going back to the same beach is better than going back to the same ski hill. I could definitely see an argument even (as a casual skier like me) that I’d prefer to explore different terrain than try different beaches.

          I also agree the family part is a huge draw. I’d hope the main part of this (climate disaster potential aside) is enjoying your time off now, even if it’s not maximizing investment. It seems like for you that means beach house. Maybe a compromise to be not on the actual beach-beach to mitigate the risks a bit?

          1. Great ideas. I was just looking at different listings, and directly on the beach flood insurance is $10k while a few streets away from the beach it’s $1k. We definitely don’t feel the need to be right in the beach, and want a small house, and outdated is totally fine. My family has been in this beach town for generations, so the emotional pull is super strong. Lake place FEELS like it should make way, way more sense but not as exciting/doesn’t feel like home in the same way.

        2. FWIW, and it sounds like I am in the minority here, I would much prefer the beach house too. Especially since you have extended family in the area.

    13. We wouldn’t necessarily have to rent out either. With a $240k remaining mortgage on primary home, we could afford the mortgage on the $400-$500k second home we’d purchase. I’m aiming to have $100k saved up as a down payment.

    14. What good is buying land with no house and no plans to build one? Will you put a camper there?

      1. Yes, we’d put a Scamp camper up there initially then eventually build a cabin or buy a prefab modular cabin. The main appeal to only buying waterfront land would be lower initial price and expected appreciation in value (I imagine more and more folks will be decamping to the Northeast from other parts of the country.)

    15. I would encourage you to think about why flood insurance is a necessity at one location and not the other. It’s bad enough paying flood insurance premiums (which by the way are taxpayer subsidized and do not cover the real costs of floods – a prime example of a regressive tax), but do you really want to deal with your place getting flooded? Especially when you’re a very long drive away?

      1. Flood insurance would be necessarily for the place 2.5 hours away where we have local family who could check in on it.

  5. All of the talk of boosters lately has me wondering … those of you who mixed and matched Pfizer and Moderna, did you have the same reaction to each? So far I’ve received 3 doses of Pfizer and got quite sick for 24 hours after doses 2 and 3. I’m wondering if I’m likely to have the same reaction with Moderna.

    1. Anecdotally I’ve heard people who had both say that Moderna is rougher in terms of side effects than Pfizer.

      According I think to actual trial data, Novavax is thought to be gentler in terms of side effects. I’m personally hoping Novavax will be approved this week since it might also provide broader protection against new variants anyway.

      1. (Approved in USA. It’s already available in a lot of countries though I don’t know whether it’s approved for use as a booster/mix & matching. My assumption in USA is that once it’s available, I’ll be able to get it just by asking for it.)

    2. I had two Pfizer and a Moderna booster. No major difference in reaction, just headache and some nausea, but I have chronic m*gra*ne and that’s not super different from my normal.

    3. The Moderna booster dose is half strength of the primary series Moderna shot, so it isn’t as rough. I had Pfizer for the primary series and a Moderna booster, and felt similarly tired/achy for all three. My husband spiked a fever with his second dose of the Moderna primary series, but didn’t react as strongly to 2 Moderna boosters.

    4. I don’t think it’s predictable. I had varying degrees of side effects with my 4 Pfizers (in order – none, strong, moderate, mild). Dad had Moderna and had no side effects for 1 & 2, but felt awful after the booster.

    5. I had Pfizer, Pfizer, Moderna. No reactions at all to first and third. Very mild headache/light fever to second (Pfizer), which was cured with Tylenol or ibuprofen or something like that. I was pregnant at the time of my booster and was specifically told by my OB to try to get the other of P/M from what I had had previously, if I could do so without delaying my booster.

    6. It’s all hard to predict and varies. Moderna does seem to be a bigger dose (?) so I think, anecdotally, people have worse reactions.

      I was worse after Moderna #2 than the booster. I think I timed it better maybe b/c I had the booster first thing in the morning and took Tylenol before bed so that most of the “worst” of it, I experienced sleeping (fitfully) overnight.

      I will also add that I recently had Covid, and I definitely felt better than I did with either no.2 or the booster. So you really never know.

    7. Anecdotally… my friends who had side effects from any vax seem to have them for all, and my friends who have minimal/nonexistent side effects with any have been consistent as well. I’d try Moderna on the off chance it is different, but probably assume you’ll have side effects for whatever (and maybe be pleasantly surprised if you feel fine!)

      1. OTOH, a friend of mine was all smug because he allegedly experienced no side effects with the Moderna primary series while his wife (also Moderna) was bedridden for days. He got his comeuppance after the Moderna booster, when he felt it necessary to take a nap in his car before summoning up the energy to go into the house.

      2. Moderna booster was the worst of the three for me. Moderna #2 was pretty bad, Moderna #3/booster almost sent me to the ER.

    8. I did J&J, Pfizer, Moderna. J&J was by far the worst. 48 hours of 102-degree fever and the worst headache I’ve ever had, plus several more days to get back to normal. 24 hours of 100-degree fever and headache followed by a couple more days of fatigue for both Pfizer and Moderna. Pfizer was a bit worse, but I wonder whether Moderna would have been worse if I’d switched the order.

    9. I purposely mixed and matched because I hoped it would give me better protection. I figured side effects were a cr@psh00t.

    10. I mixed and matched and had the same reaction to each – big reaction. A night of fever and chills, the next day in bed, and several days of lingering body aches and killer headache. I couldn’t tell any difference between the two.

    11. A very small sample of one of my co-workers had vertigo after Moderna and nothing after Pfizer.

    12. I’ve had 4 Modernas but had far less side effects with #4 than #2 or #3. It was a lower dose though (I had 3 full dose shots and then 1 booster).

    13. I mixed it up – my first three shots were Pfizer, the second booster/fourth shot was Moderna. I had minimal reactions to all of them, mostly just a sore arm and maybe a little tiredness (but how to distinguish it from normal tiredness?). No significant difference between the two types.

  6. I had two great pairs of lyocell joggers. Apparently I have shrunk them past the point of wearing. Is there a way to specify large type for care labels? These seem to have been in 1 point font and half in glyphs.

    Into the donate pile for someone who is shorter than me.

  7. Trying to psych myself into taking a job that I think would be a good career move but also result in less flexibility (hybrid rather than remote) and only a small pay bump (~10% at best). I’m already paid well and like my remote work but I’ve been at my job too long and I think the new org is more prestigious externally, if not in my field. I don’t necessarily need more money and in theory I don’t mind a commute, but the small size of the pay increase is making it harder for me to get to yes without doubts. This is mostly a vent, but any advice on lateral-ish moves from a pay perspective? Or is 10% typical and the reports of 20%+ increases from job hopping are exceptions?

    1. I’d negotiate or stay at your current job. I always got a 20% pay bump by switching jobs.

    2. I think it depends on the role and there isn’t a standard percentage you should expect for a lateral move. I think the money is a factor, obviously, in your decision, but I’d more heavily weigh opportunity costs and gains from the move and overall lifestyle – I personally prefer hybrid, but my thoughts would be different if it was a very long commute in, even a couple days a week.

    3. I wouldn’t switch jobs for anything less than 20% unless there was some major other perk (located in a state I want to move to, existing job is terrible for my mental health, new job is an outstanding opportunity, etc.). My pay bumps when switching jobs have been 52%, 20%, and 36%. I would keep looking–sounds like you can afford to be picky right now.

    4. I think 10% is adequate , but I also prefer hybrid over remote so would not be a lifestyle downgrade for ms

    5. Percentage bump will vary wildly by industry and position and stage of career (early careerists typically see more of a bump than others). I would try to look big picture and not just the immediate number. How would benefits compare? In the past, I haven’t given nearly enough thought to impact of health plans (bigger companies usually are MUCH better on this). Would job title put you in a better position for the leap after. (I once took a job that gave me a funky title and it was so, so much harder looking for jobs than when I’ve had a traditional one.) Will the commute costs really make the bump worth it–not just in terms of costs of commute/park but lunches out and clothing, etc. I was shocked with WfH with home much less money I spend. What about the type of experience–will you be learning skills/exposed to better projects that will position you better for the future? Too often I see people stay somewhere too long where they no longer are keeping up skills. Will the new place result in better connections for the job after? As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to look at job changes like you’re really signing on for two jobs–the one you’re accepting and the one that will come after because of how you’ve been positioned.

    6. (Thanks for all who’ve answered so far! The offered salary is firm, apparently. I normally wouldn’t entertain <20% but I'm worried about being in a golden handcuffs situation with my org because I'm paid well but I've maxed out advancement opportunities – I might end up being unemployable because I'm too expensive as a Teapot Assembler but I can't get the experience needed to become a Teapot Designer at my current org, in AAM-speak. This was my first job out of college and it feels like I need to get something else on the resume at ~8 years in.)

      1. I agree with the others – this offer doesn’t seem good enough. Wait and apply to other opportunities.

        1. Agree with No Face.

          OP, you’ve boxed yourself into thinking of this as a binary choice. Either you take this new mediocre job, or you stay in your current job for the rest of your life. Free your thinking. There’s always a third option. Indeed, there are infinite options.

          Don’t move for a job you have to talk yourself into. Move for that next opportunity that you’re truly excited about, and one that values you.

    7. When you start a paragraph by saying “Trying to psych myself into taking a job…” I think that’s a sign that you shouldn’t take the job unless things are absolutely terrible in your current job.

    8. I took a lateral move (director level) for a ~10% salary bump, to an org with a stronger reputation and clearer career path. I don’t regret it. I’m gaining more skills and have already gained more exit options due to the prestige of my current company.

  8. I will also post this on the Moms page, but would love your input on a warm-weather vacation destination for my family of five (me, spouse, kids age 13, 9, and 7). We’ll be coming from the Midwest and have access to a major airport. Criteria:

    – Combo of relaxation and “doing stuff” is ideal.
    – We need to travel roughly 12/28 – 1/4 (can flex two days either way, but those are roughly the dates)
    – We can AirBNB or hotel
    – We like good food
    – Budget is ideally $8K – $12K, but could go up to $15K
    – International or domestic is fine, but we’ve been to Florida a fair amount already and went to Scottsdale last fall so would ideally try something new

    Any ideas, o wise ones?

    1. For good food, Charleston. Will be too cold for going in the water, but it’s a good walking-around-in city and you can’t beat the food.

      And even though you say you’ve been to Florida a lot, is that more Miami? If so, have you been to Key West?

      1. There was a lot of talk on the mom’s page yesterday about reliably warm weather destinations in the US in the winter (spoiler: very few), this kind of extends on that.
        I would not count on Key West being a warm weather destination that time of year. It might be, but it very much might not. And if they get unlucky and go when it’s not and that eliminates all water sports and pool time, I think it would be very hard to entertain the kids there, especially the littler ones. (If it was just adults that like to booze, they could still bar hop and have a grand old time!).

      2. We did Charleston at the holidays with kids one year and it was pretty boring. Walking around and looking at pretty houses is good for one day, but there’s really nothing else to do unless you want to tour plantations. We ended up driving to the beach to walk around there.

      1. I agree, with the caveat that OP would likely be at the upper end of the extended budget. New Years is very expensive in Hawaii.

          1. When I looked into Costa Rica for this time period between Christmas and New Year, flights were north of 2k from Atlanta, and good hotels were either expensive or already booked out. Don’t know how it is for Hawaii, but that’s already 10k on airfare.

          2. Based on my experiences, Hawaii is significantly more expensive than Costa Rica for comparable hotels and activities. So then maybe both those ideas are out! New Years is not a cheap time to travel, that is for sure….

      2. Just got back from Hawaii with kids that age, it was great. So much to do, a lot of it free or very low cost between the beaches, national parks, hikes, snorkeling, body boarding, etc. Big variation in cost in terms of rentals … we were on the higher end, but definitely saw options that would be within your budget. Big Island is cheaper than Maui.

      1. I had a great time in Costa Rica with my family when I was about her kid’s age.

      1. Seconding this. I’d look at Caye Caulker or some of the smaller islands. Really reasonably priced once you get there, too, even if hotels + flights are $$$ over that time period. Beautiful, relaxing, lots of water sports and activities (scuba, etc)

      1. I love Vieques, but maybe not for this depending on what you mean by “doing stuff.” If you mean outdoorsy stuff, then it would be great (just know the downsides; there isn’t any beach front lodging on the good beaches, so you have to haul everything with you). If you mean like things to see/cultural stuff, then no.

    2. For reliable beach & water weather you need to go Caribbean (do you have direct flights anywhere? Aruba has a ton of desert-park non-beach activities, Jamaica has mountains and waterfalls…), Central America (Costa Rica or Belize sounds like it could be a good fit), or Hawaii that time of year.

    3. We’re struggling with this. I’m in a Midwest city with hub airport for major airlines, yet flights to warm weather destinations that time of year are $1500, meaning we’ll spend $6k for our family of four on airline tickets alone. Hawaii is almost $3k each. The airlines are completely out of control – high prices yet canceled flights and lost baggage.

    4. Puerto Rico, Costa Rico, Jamaica. I’m purposely not saying Hawaii because I know a lot of Hawaiians especially are asking for tourism to slow because of the water shortage, drought and overtourism

  9. Planning my honeymoon to Italy in late September. We have 14-17 days, give or take. Priorities are Rome, Pompeii, Florence, and Venice. We like to travel slowly and linger. We love art, architecture, and good food. How much time would you plan for in each place (assuming Pompeii is a day trip), in what order, and would you add on any other destinations? First time to Italy for one of us and second for the other. TIA!

    1. If you’re determined to see all of that in 14-17 days, I’d break it down this way:
      – Rome – 5 days
      – Florence- 4 days
      – Amalfi Coast/Pompeii- 3 days
      – Venice- 3 days

      But, honestly, if you like to travel slowly and linger, I would choose between the Amalfi Coast and Venice and spend a couple more days in Rome and Florence, plus do some day trips in Tuscany.

    2. Of your list, I would plan to spend your biggest chunks of time in Rome and Florence (and surrounding Tuscany area). I would recommend adding on time in Cinque Terre. We spent three nights there in the middle of a two week trip through Italy and it was such a nice spot to slow down and recharge and enjoy a beautiful and quiet destination.

    3. We spent 5 days in Venice alone and didn’t get bored – I wouldn’t try to do all of that in one trip if you like to savor each area. Venice was amazing after the daytrippers drained out and the seafood was out of this world.

      I would maybe save Rome & Pompeii & Amalfi for its own trip, and with 2 weeks, see Venice, Florence, and time just chilling in Tuscany and wine tasting.

    4. Thank you all! I will talk to my fiancé tonight. It won’t be our last time in Italy so focusing on fewer destinations probably makes sense

      1. I think it would also help to think about your personal preferences in terms of types of art and architecture. I studied abroad in Italy, if you care the most about Renaissance art, you’ll want more time in Rome for the Vatican museum, the colliseum, and well…all of Florence? I could easily spend another month just there so I’m not a good judge, ha. Venice left me a bit cold as I found it crowded, the locals abrupt (I get it, I’d be rude if tourists swamped my city too, but still) and I’ve never cared for Bellini/Tintorettos – the vaporettos were also unbearable to me, the smell of diesel combined with the motion of the water=instant migraines.
        I’d fly into Rome, do the high speed train to Florence, do maybe a day trip to one of the hill towns (Siena or San Gimignano) and then train to the city you’ll fly out of (Pisa? Milan? or back to Rome is probably cheapest?). I was WIPED after my wedding, so if I was your I’d pick two locations tops, and be able to settle in. You want to relax, not pack up and get on a train or flight every 3 days!

        1. +1 to the comment that you may want your honeymoon to be at least as relaxing as your typical vacation. I’m not a “sit on the beach” type of person, but we did a sit on the beach honeymoon, and I was so exhausted, it was lovely. I could have managed a week in Rome and a week in Florence, too, but not a new city every 3 days.

      2. If you plan to go back anyway, I really would consider combining Pompeii with a future trip to Naples/the coast (very worthy of its own trip!).

    5. We did something similar years ago. Flew into Rome, took high speed train to FL, spent a few days in FL with day trip to nearby areas, then took train to Venice and spent 2 days there, and back to Rome for last leg of the trip. It was great. Florence was my favorite part but it’s pretty small so you can really get a lot in (including really amazing food). Venice is pretty manageable in a few days. Many people just do a day trip but to me one of the best parts is the light changing throughout the day and I think you really have a much better experience staying overnight. I think you could do a day trip to Pompeii from Rome.

      If you’re doing 14-17 days and like to go slow, I would do 5 days in Florence, 2-3 days in Venice, and 5-6 days in Rome with the day trip to Pompeii. I would def do a day trip in Florence to one of the surrounding towns. We decided on a whim to do a bus tour and I was surprised by just how much fun it was. I’m not big on planned itineraries, so we just used them to go place to place without worrying about driving (skipping the guided tour in each place). We stopped in Sienna (where we had lunch/walked around), went to a vineyard where we got a tour and had some wine/cheese, and then finished with some ancient fortress that had amazing gelato. It was very stress free (you could also easily rent a car but we wanted to drink wine without worrying about driving).

      In terms of order, Rome is fantastic but the least relaxing of the three. Whether you want to do that first or last depends on how your personal preferences.

    6. IMO you don’t need more than 2 days in Venice. I’d prioritize my time in Florence – I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t love it, and there’s so much to do and see! And Florence is especially good for just grabbing a seat in a random plaza/square and people watching, or grabbing a table at a cafe and people watching. Enjoy!

      1. I’m in moderation but I agree with more time in Florence. BUT I found overall the food in Rome was better than in Florence in the main areas. There are great local restaurants in Florence but many tend to be further out and lots of things in the city center are expensive/overpriced and it’s harder to just ‘stumble into’ a good place.

      2. I’m the anon below and agree – Florence was the most fun, Venice was not particularly a draw for me.

      3. I spent 4.5 days in Venice last year and thought it was the perfect amount of time to see everything I wanted but still spend lots of time just strolling and enjoying the city. I could see condensing down to 3, but only 2 if you don’t want to go to the lagoon islands (which were my least favorite part of the trip, so that would be fine).

    7. Whoa, we took this trip in 2019, but over 9 days! I honestly would have skipped Pompeii if I’d realized how far it was from Rome (we did a super long day trip that included several hours on a bus each way). If you’re up for staying on the coast closer to Pompeii, I think it’s more doable (and lovely relaxing towns.
      Venice is at most a 2 night destination for me, so I’d plan for 3-4 nights at each of the other 3 places (and add a stay closer to Pompeii)

    8. Consider skipping Pompeii and going to Ostia Antica instead, which is right outside Rome and can be reached by train in maybe an hour. This will save a lot of time.

    9. we did a similar trip. 10 days total, 5 in Tuscany and 5 in Amalfi. I think 5 days in Rome sounds like a lot, if you want to tour museums and see a city I think you could easily do that in fewer days. We spent a day/night in Florence which was nice but I was super jetlagged so it wasn’t terribly memorable. Good food is EVERYWHERE in Italy so you can’t go wrong with that. We skipped Pompeii because it required a whole day but we loved the trip so much we will likely return and do Pompeii some day. We lingered and ate our way through Tuscany and Amalfi coast and it was lovely.

    10. Thank you for all the advice — I should have made clear that for me personally, Pompeii is #1 priority because I’ve wanted to go since middle school, aka for several decades. But I appreciate that most people were not classics nerds growing up!

      1. I would perhaps then skip Venice for this trip – it’s easy to combine with Milan if you want to do a later “northern Italy” tour. Rome, Pompeii, Florence & Tuscany would be a dream for 2 weeks!

        1. As a fellow classics nerd, I agree with this. Florence is my favorite, Rome is amazing for classics nerds, and definitely hit Pompeii if time permits. If you decide Pompeii is too much of a hassle, though, Ostia Antica is close to Rome and also good Roman ruins (not as cool as Pompeii)

    11. Just back from Italy. Pompeii is definitely a day trip, but consider a stay in Sorrento–it’s gorgeous on our own, and a day or two there with a day at Pompeii would be lovely. I found we didn’t need much more than a day in Venice. It’s beautiful, but it just felt like the whole thing was a tourist attraction–you had to look past all the bougie stores to see the real beauty of the city. IMO. We spent 4 days in Rome, and we could have spent more.

      We didn’t go to Florence. I hear it’s fairly easy to see in a day or two, but consider a trip to the Cinque Terre while in that area. It is breathtaking, and we enjoyed all of the villages. You could also spend some beach time there.

    12. Rome 3 days at least
      Florence and Pisa 5 days incl day trips to sienna and San gimignano
      I’d skip Venice and do verona, Padua and the lakes…

  10. Is it wrong to take and expense Uber Black instead of Uber Xs? The company policy doesn’t prohibit it and I only take Uber Black even when I’m paying myself.

    1. At a charity or NGO yeah that would be wrong, but if you work for a souless consulting firm or a big tech company then eff them.

      1. I work at a nonprofit and still take Uber Black when Uber is the only option. It’s not that much more expensive, usually less than an actual taxi, and every other Uber experience I’ve had has been legitimately terrifying. I prefer public transit or walking as it almost always seems safest.

        1. I’m so curious what is “terrifying” about Ubers 😂 I take them less post-pandemic since they’re more expensive now, but I have taken literally hundreds, possibly thousands, with only 1-2 I felt moderately unsafe drivers (and no worse than taxis frankly) and no otherwise bad experiences.

          1. My experience is that Uber drivers are more inept at driving than taxi drivers and that this can be terrifying.

            My experience is that they’re equivalent in terms of being weird/creepy/sexist/scary in a “will this person stalk me” kind of way.

            My experience is that Uber is worse when it comes to having to hear unhinged political rants and conspiracy theories.

          2. I’ve never had an Uber driver really go off on a political rant, but then again I don’t usually make a lot of small talk and/or may have the sort of RBF that does not lend itself to conversations.

            Cab drivers in Los Angeles seem to go from adequate to terrible, though it’s been better since the advent of rideshare. I’ve been in cabs with terrible smells, creepy drivers, political conspiracy drivers, and drivers that straight-up yelled at me since it was a shorter-than-expected fare. While I appreciate that taxi drivers are supposed to have background checks, I’ve been in a number of cabs where it wasn’t terribly clear that the picture and the license matched the person actually driving the cab.

            As for driving skill, I think cab drivers are better than most Uber drivers, but nearly every Uber driver is better than the airport shuttle drivers (fast, dangerous, and no idea where anything was in LA).

          3. Drivers who had been smoking in the car, the one who refused to turn on the A/C or even open the windows in 90-degree heat, drivers who seemed to be going the wrong way, etc.

    2. Expense it guilt-free. If anyone questions it (unlikely but possible) cite personal safety since the Uber Black has professional drivers and not randos.

  11. I’m the OP from yesterday seeking input on a Grand Cayman trip. Several comments said it was a nice island but not their favorite. With the caveat that we will have *two young kids* (4 and just under 2), what other islands in the Caribbean would you recommend more for a trip between December and March?

    Definitely want a direct flight (can fly from Philly or Newark), calm and clean water (I know this is pretty much ubiquitous), and safe (I know that’s relative). Not Mexico because I love Mexico and will be tempted to leave a resort to sight-see and eat. I want to go somewhere where we can just stay at the resort, enjoy the beautiful sand and water, and not feel like we’re missing out by not leaving the resort, if that makes sense. Of course we’re open to doing some kind of boat tour, but no major sight-seeing or water sports, since the kids are so young. Thanks!

      1. OOOO this looks good.

        Maisonette recently did an article about kid friendly resorts. I know you said no mexico but finest playa mujer looks great and is next on my list.

    1. I was one of the posters who made that comment, but I think Grand Cayman is a totally fine option for a family trip and just wanting to stay at the resort. My main complaint in Grand Cayman is that the resorts are all very close together, so the beach ends up feeling quite busy. But like I said yesterday, we had a nice time for a long weekend at the Kimpton Seafire.

      A few other islands that I have enjoyed more: Turks & Caicos, Barbados (longer flight from EWR), Jamaica (Round Hill – I don’t have experience with other resorts, but Round Hill is amazing), St Barths (not a direct flight and very expensive, better if you want to leave resort and do things), St Lucia, Anguilla (not a direct flight).

      I have also heard good things about Casa de Campo in DR for family trips, but have never been myself.

      1. Oh, your list reminds me. True Anguilla isn’t a direct flight but friends with young kids enjoyed staying at the Cuisinart (I think it was bought and now called Aurora) – apparently a good pool & splash area.

    2. We did the Bahamas (Baha Mar, not the Atlantis) this past March. While the food costs were eye wateringly expensive it was a very quick and easy flight, the island was very covid cautious, and the water was lovely. The water park was amazing and well worth the extra money. We’ve only done Mexico (Cancun hotel strip twice), the Bahamas, and Jamaica (Bluefields Bay Villas, which was amazing but better for older kids). Ha, can you tell we regularly need to escape MA weather in the winter?
      Out of the three I’d say the Bahamas were my favorite by far and the activities at the Baha Mar were fantastic – we didn’t even get to the beach until our 4th day because the pools and water park were so good. They also had a LOT of splash pad/zero entry pools and a huge kids area so small children wouldn’t be an issue.

    3. What do you care about? Turks and Caicos has prettier beaches and better snorkeling, but if those aren’t big priorities for you Cayman is fine. (I was one of the ones who said it was nice but not the best.) Beaches resorts are great if you have the budget.

      I love Cancun but most of the beaches there have big waves so would not recommend for small children.

  12. Thoughts on Malaysia? I’d be traveling as a single woman, wondering how safe id feel walking around KL and Penang.

    1. It’s super safe, I wandered around at night by myself and never felt endangered in the slightest.

      1. Same. I spent nearly a month solo traveling around Malaysia and felt very safe the whole time.

    2. I went to KL over 10 years ago with friends. We’re all women and were definitely out walking at night. Our first taxi encounter was pretty aggressive (bus from Singapore dropped us off in the middle of the street, not at a formal bus stop, and two guys out of nowhere wheeled our luggage across the busy road to their taxi car and we had to duck traffic to chase after them, didn’t know what was going on so just went with it, didn’t even have local currency to pay them so asked to drop us off at an exchange kiosk, we were of course overcharged, but not hugely) but overall we didn’t feel threatened, maybe it was dumb youth. I think you’ll be okay.

  13. Does anyone have Denver restaurant recommendations? Something for a business dinner… More on the nicer end of the spectrum vs. super casual. Thank you!

    1. My favorites for business dinners in downtown Denver are Guard and Grace or Tavernetta. Other good options include Kitchen, ChoLon, or Capital Grille.

  14. If anyone is looking for tv recs, I took advantage of prime day promos to subscribe to AMC+ and PBS, where I’ve enjoyed Sanditon (Austen adaptation), This is Going to Hurt (Ben Whishaw in a British medical dramedy), and Dark Winds (adaptation of the Tony Hillerman mysteries about Navajo police officers). Also looking forward to the last season of Better Call Saul.

    1. Better Call Saul is such a great show! It is incredible to me that even though I know that many characters are alive and well a few years down the road in Breaking Bad, the show is able to build incredible tension as to those same characters’ lives. Also, it is one of the most realistic portrayals of lawyering I’ve seen on TV. Really captures the hustle and sometimes the drudgery of legal practice.

      1. Rhea Seehorn is a gift. Her character on Better Call Saul is incredible to watch.

  15. Oh Hive… I’m fine, but I’m embarrassed. I found a check two days ago today trying to figure out where my moneys going. It seems that not only inflation, but also impulse purchase as I got used to making in early pandemic when I wasn’t traveling to cut up to me. I have a six month emergency fund, but I really need to start Tightening. If anyone has any commiseration, ideas, thoughts welcome!

    1. I am in the same boat. New apartment (first time without roommates) + paying for part time grad school means I really, really, really need to buckle down. There’s obviously things I can cut down on, but most of my $ seems to be going to inflation…

    2. I just did a deep dive into my finances and had the same realization. Same habit of impulse purchases for the dopamine hit early in the pandemic but was able to still save a lot because of no travel or eating out. Now I am traveling a lot more and my money seems to just be evaporating. I recommend looking back at a couple months of transactions and categorize them with your own categories (e.g. I have a category for “retail therapy” for those random Target trips). This is helpful if you don’t know where your money is going. I was surprised that my food and subscription spending wasn’t that terrible but travel and clothes/shoes was huge (I didn’t even think I shopped very much!). I’m looking for ways to trim down my various categories and put myself on a strict no buy on certain categories.

    3. I don’t know what that second sentence means, but I think you are saying you overspent? Start tracking your spending is my advice. I hate all of the program budget tools and have used a spreadsheet forever and a day.

      1. I’ve done this for 20-plus years and I can’t imagine doing anything else. Also I track my spending months in advance, including estimates for variable expenses. I guess it’s a budget but I don’t call it a budget — I call it a spending projection and it works really well. If I overspend in one category I have to cut back elsewhere to keep the bottom line out of the red.

        1. Iv’ve been doing it for 8 years and wish I started sooner. In addition to the fact that it helps me think about my spending, it is really nice to see how my spending has changed over time. It has also saved me a few times when I need to figure out when I purchased something and had no real idea, but could find the expense on my record.

          1. Yes! At this point my financial records are the best record of my life events!

    4. 100% commiseration on needing to cut down on impulse purchasing. You’re totally right that the pandemic is a real cause of that, and I hadn’t even thought about it that way. During the lockdowns I was saving SO much money, so splurges felt totally doable. Now, they need to be much more infrequent, and yet I haven’t quite been able to stick to that…

      1. Oh and also I keep track of my expenses manually using Excel. Every couple of weeks, I download the transactions from all my cards and put them into one Excel, add a category to each charge, and then I have a pivot table showing expenses by category (along the rows) by month (along the columns). It’s very helpful and I love that I can customize however I want.

    5. +1. I found the save/splurge post the other day helpful, and wrote down my own categories. Im realizing that my long-term goals won’t ever be realized if o keep impulsively spending money. Put the credit card away (ie don’t carry it around in wallet) and am planning on trying to deposit a certain amount of spending money into a separate checking account and leaving the other account for bills and expenses like groceries and gas. I spend too much on takeout food and clothing.

    6. Doing curbside or in-store pick up helped curb a lot of my impulse shopping, especially at Target.

    7. Commiseration. I started traveling again and realized that I have a bad habit of buying extra books/magazines/snacks/getting blowouts or manicures because ‘professional business lady’. It quickly adds up. I bought some at home manicure stuff (I don’t even like getting my nails done!!) and have stuck with that since May, and I also make it a point to keep my holds list stocked on my kindle and build in time for a CVS snack run so I can get my very favorite snacks (cheaper) vs. buying an ‘ok’ snack at the airport or train station. I absolutely feel like the ‘turning into your parents’ adults in the progressive commercial but…my parents are happily retired with funds to spare so I guess I’ll embrace it?
      I also took a hard look at what I REALLY wanted/enjoyed and not what I ‘thought’ I should enjoy. Turns out I prefer my cheap YMCA membership to the OrangeTheory classes because I’m not locked into set class times. Ditto with doing my nails at home. I do adore a good blowout though but I’m trying to limit that to a rare occassion, not a ‘treat yourself, it’s date night!’ monthly habit. Good luck – being a responsible adult can be a bummer sometimes but as someone who had LOTS of credit card debt in her 20s it’s worth it not to have that crushing weight hanging over me.

    8. Commiseration – just realized I dropped a lot of money on revenge travel activities… Once this vacation is over I’m cutting out all entertainment I can’t get from the library and going back to following the weekly grocery shopping list. Also unsubscribe from all retailer or promo emails so you don’t get tempted!

      I think one of the big things people forget to mention (and just assume that it’s all in there) is that to track and manage money requires a good amount of planning up front. And I mean even on a small scale – like planning your grocery shopping list for the week, following it, sticking to it, and resisting the strong urge to impulse order delivery from a restaurant.

      1. Off topic, but this is the second time I’ve seen “revenge” come up in a context I’m not familiar with. Yesterday or the day before it was revenge shopping and now you mention revenge travel. Can you help an Old out as to what that means?

        1. haha sure – it’s “revenge travel” because i’m making up on all the travel i had to cancel in 2020 and 2021. it’s a silly and stupid term, but it kinda encapsulates the feeling of “getting revenge” on the pandemic, because the (early days of the) pandemic meant not being able to go anywhere, most of the fun stuff shut down or limited capacity, and limited social contact.

          1. Ohhh I feel that! Gotcha

            The pandemic isn’t over for me (immunocompromised) but I get through it by promising myself someday I will drink all the wine in France. Revenge on my liver!

        2. I think in these cases it implies a sort of working out of anger or sadness or other unpleasant feelings by shopping or traveling.

          1. Ha, I was the revenge shopping poster and I totally get revenge travel, but no idea re: the check. Possibly a different language translating a false cognate (cheque) to English?

          2. Gah in mod but I think it might mean receipt; “cheque” has that meaning in other languages, so check is a false cognate.

          3. All foreigners know Americans to use check (whatever way it’s written) as a word for bill or receipt after seeing all the movies where people say “check, please”.

          4. Not the OP – but I went through a big stack of my unopened mail last weekend and there were three checks in there that I wasn’t expecting. Refunds from my insurance since I hit my deductible. Lots of ways to “find a check”

          5. That’s so interesting! A restaurant is the only place I know where check means bill or receipt.

  16. I just need to get this off my chest since I can’t tell anyone IRL, an old acquaintance of mine is semi-famous and just posted a thirst trap on insta and oh man. So I guess the image did its job, haha.

    1. I feel you. I looked up an old childhood crush on instagram yesterday and boy did I have good taste when I was 10 (and so does his girlfriend, now).

  17. I have ice-pick acne scars all over my cheeks. They are deep red. When put on any foundation or concealer or powder, it covers the surface of my skin but not the ice-pick scars, so they show up as angry red dots. What do you all do to fix this? Is this something a dermatologist can do a laser (etc.) treatment on? Make-up isn’t helping. Masking had one upside for me :( but we are now maskless. I want to make this area look better but am at a loss of what to do.

    1. I would say a dermatologist! There are a bunch of treatments you they can do to lessen all of this. Probably at least laser and monthly peels.

      1. +1 – make sure it’s a ‘cosmetic dermatologist’. I wouldn’t go to a medispa for this as ice-pick scars are known to be difficult to treat and I believe sometimes even require filler (though of course I’m sure you’d start with microneedling/lasers/peels).
        Also – do you have the active acne under control? Otherwise I’d address that first and then bring out the big guns later. I’d also avoid spending too much money on $$ skincare – topical products can help with discoloration/PIH but nothing OTC will be able to fill in those scars for you despite what they may claim. Good luck!

    2. You can definitely solve this! Laser or microneedling with a dermatologist (a doctor or nurse, not at a spa), I think. It will be expensive but you are worth feeling confident in your own skin. Go for it!

    3. Yep, I would try a dermatologist, but when you’re setting up an appointment specifically ask if they do cosmetic or scar removing procedures. I go to a regional dermatology practice and some practitioners and locations do cosmetic type procedures and some don’t (they focus on skin cancer checks and acne treatment; they would just put you on a retinoid). I’ve done several chemical peels with fairly satisfying success. Anything more involved is offered by the same practice group but I would have to go to a different location.

      If you haven’t went all in on a Sephora make up consulting session and high quality make up, I highly recommend. When my acne was the worst and I was feeling really low about it, I finally got a Sephora appointment and bought all the fancy products they recommended (which turned out to just be three things that lasted a long time for me). I’m not a make up person and was hesitant for years because I felt self conscious about my acne, but the consultant was wonderful and did a great job helping me find products that actually worked for my skin. Really good make up can help bridge you from now until the dermatology treatments start working.

      And I hear you about the masking upside to covering up acne! I sincerely enjoyed that part of it.

    4. Fraxel! But yes – see a dermatologist – lasers can absolutely help with this, and you can’t cover that kind of texture easily with make-up!

    5. Agree with the comments about making sure to see one that does cosmetic stuff. A lot make clear that they only do medical stuff. Also be prepared to wait. I’m sure this varies, but in my area, dermatologists are booking 11 months out. I just needed a skin check so it’s not a big deal to wait, but I was sitting in the waiting room at my PCP listening to someone who had something more concerning and they couldn’t get her an appointment any faster either.

    6. Agree with the recommendations for a cosmetic dermatologist (not a medi spa.) Ice pick scars are deep and you need someone authorized to go deep, which is going to be an MD.

      For cosmetic purposes, what technique are you using? After applying foundation, which you said just kind of breezes over your scars, try dotting a concealer that matches your foundation (not the lighter shade that you might use under your eye) right on the scar, let it sit for a moment, then use a stippling action with a concealer brush to just barely blend the concealer in. Stippling is a bouncing motion. You don’t want to do a wiping motion because that will just wipe the concealer off, as you’ve been experiencing.

      My favorite concealer, for what it’s worth, is the NARS concealer in the tube lip gloss type of applicator. For a budget pick, ELF camo concealer is very good. The downside is trying to shade match when there are no testers. I think it will be easier to find something at Sephora, and if you do go there, do try the NARS. I think the Sephora pro line also makes a very good concealer brush.

      You know how some of those Sephora makeup artists wear really heavy theatrical makeup? That’s who you want helping you for this.

      1. +1 to your last paragraph. Not my style of makeup, but they really know makeup.

    7. Also–try powder foundation instead of liquid. I like Mac StudioFix powder. It has good coverage and you can use a brush (not the sponge pad applicator it comes with) to get the concealer into the crevices. GL!

    8. I have mild rosacea and Dr Jart’s Cicapair Tiger Grass Color Correcting Treatment does an amazing job or neutralizing redness. I dab a tiny bit on my red areas and then I don’t need concealer or full coverage foundation on top. Might be worth a try!

  18. I’m trying to have a smaller wardrobe of things I absolutely love, so inspired by that what is either your favorite piece of clothing you have or one of your absolute workhorses?

    For my birthday 8 years ago my mom got me the PERFECT black tank top dress from TJ Maxx. I wear a lot of dresses and wear a lot of black so I already had a clue it’s be a workhorse but it’s cut well for me, it’s a good length, an interesting material (not totally sure) and it’s so versatile. It is honestly the best piece of clothing I own!

    1. Ooh, I like this question. Things I’ve gotten surprising mileage out of:
      -A light blue blazer (mine is the scrunch sleeve from Ann Taylor)
      -A sleeveless black mockneck top from H&M (J. Crew has something similar right now that I’m eying in other colors including a fun pink)
      -Red suede pointy toe flats from Payless (RIP)

      My favorite piece of clothing I own is a bright yellow dress with short sleeves. Still figuring out how to style it, but it just brings me so much joy.

    2. Almost 20 years ago on a business trip to Scotland, on a whim I bought a fringed black lambswool serape type wrap. I really wanted it more as a memento of my trip but it has proved to be a workhorse season after season. It’s great for travel as it can dress up any outfit as well as be a blanket on the plane or in a hotel. I always feel semi-glamorous throwing the wrap over my shoulder and it really keeps me warm!

      1. +1000 wraps are so useful. cold offices, planes, visiting temple and churches, looking chic.

    3. One of my favourite dresses is red with small geometric squares in blue. From faraway it looks red, but it has interest up close. It is a chiffon like sheath dress that I purchased too big, but fit me through weight gain, and because of the lightweight material, looks more a line now that I’ve lost weight. It’s 15 years old, made in Canada (from Tristan) and it still looks new.
      The three workhorses I have are all from h and m, and this surprises me because I only shop there maybe once a year or twice a year, and rarely find anything!
      – black flutter sleeve top in rayon and silk — wears like iron
      – yellow short sleeve top, also in rayon, has not faded
      – cool mini dress in a dark print

    4. Summer: I now live in elastic waist wide leg linen pants (Target and Ann Taylor), a white linen button down shirt either alone or layered over a tank top, and Reef sandals or linen dresses (Chico’s and Faherty).

      Winter: I live in Athleta sweatshirt dresses and leggings.

    5. Two pairs of joggers from Athleta, both purchased in 2020. They were splurges, and I couldn’t believe I was spending close to 90 bucks on JOGGERS but I have worn them a ton. Perfect for travel, WFH, running around town, anything casual. The cost-per-wear is miniscule at this point.

      My Boden dresses have gone the distance, survived weight fluctuations, and have served multiple purposes (work, smart casual, church, funeral dress). Again, they were not inexpensive, but I feel good about how much I’ve worn them and still like them. Half are patterns, half are solids. I will say at least one of the patterns is a little out there and the more sedate options are more versatile, haha.

      I have a terrible time finding work pants that I like, but I keep going back to Loft’s Riviera pants for spring/summer. I now own pairs in white, chambray blue, and navy. I’m pear-shaped with muscular thighs if that helps anyone.

      1. I will say that it sort of surprises me that NONE of my favorite, most-worn items is black (except the Boden funeral dress)! I sort of know that it’s not my best color and doesn’t spark joy, so I tend to avoid it even though it’s the standard recommendation for being the most versatile color.

    6. A black wool skirt from Brooks Brothers. The cut is so flattering and it’s gorgeous.

      Emerald green silk blouse with domain sleeves. Emerald looks great on me.

      Linen moto jacket.

      Navy cap sleeve knee length dress from Brooks Brothers. Perfect for a step above business casual.

    7. I got SO MUCH mileage out of a black linen shirt dress from Old Navy that I bought years ago. I wore it every summer until it was faded and falling apart. It lasted for years!

    8. – Peac0ck blue wide leg trousers that fit me really well (I also have a matching jacket and dress as part of a suit set that actually bought first, on impulse, and than came back for the trousers when I couldn’t stop thinking about them);
      – A huge dark purple Lacoste tote. It’s longer than it is wider and fantastic for bringing a notebook to grad school;
      – A burgundy supima cotton t-shirt from Intimissimi;
      – A reddish printed pashmina that costed 5€ in a market in Paris and lives in my handbag.

    9. Boden Phoebe dress in a color that really flatters me (5 years old, has lasted through pregnancy and weight gain)
      Brown leather belt with small studs and cutouts (Kohl’s from high school — how is that possible?)
      Thursday Chelsea boots in dark brown.
      Calvin Klein slim ponte pants (though it’s time to find a new staple, RIP).

      1. I had a Kohl’s black V neck sweater last me ten years, including every first date (admittedly, not many)!

          1. Oh, yes, I got several on sale for in front of our tub, shower and toilet and I LOVE them. Thank you again!!

    10. Athleta brooklyn pants – I bought one pair at full price in 2018, and between the elastic waistband, the usable pockets, machine washable, slightly water repellent, and also sweat wicking, they’ve been absolutely worth it for summer work and travel. I definitely cringed at the price when I first bought them, but my original pair of pants has proved itself and I bought a second pair in a different color. I promise I’m not an Athleta shill, it’s just that when their clothing works for me, it REALLY works

    11. I now have a drooly dog (rescue English Bulldog) so I only get one wear out of pants where I used to get two or three. So I can’t say I have a minimal wardrobe where pants are concerned, but I do have a uniform. My three pant choices this time of year are pull on stretchy jeans from the Levi Signature line (inexpensive, and I cut off the hems for a raw hem look), Athleta Brooklyn pants, or Caslon linen pants from Nordstrom.

      For tops, this time of year I’m all about a loose linen tank. I stalk eBay for Flax brand linen and buy the majority of it secondhand, but twice a year the brand has a barn sale and I’ve scored a few for $25 that way (it’s an early bird gets the worm kind of sale, though.) Over this I wear one of three linen big shirts worn open, if it’s a hot day, or a linen cardigan if it’s a cool day. I’m in the inner Bay Area so it’s often a cool day. The best linen cardigans I have are Eileen Fisher and J Jill, and I also stalked eBay for them. I machine wash and air dry everything. If it needs fussier care than that, at least in the summer, it doesn’t have a home in my closet.
      (I do wear wool and cashmere in the winter, but as a knitter I know exactly how to wash it and I don’t find it too difficult.)

      I limit my color schemes to keep my closet full of things that go together and uncluttered. So all my pants are navy blue or gray, and my tops are shades of blue, green or purple, but mostly blue.

      I work from home and this system works for me. I always want to be presentable enough for zoom and the occasional errand, but the only time I wear business clothing is for a conference. I run my own shop so I don’t have the kind of thing where I need to be in an office x days per week.

    12. I bought a trenchcoat in Paris during my study abroad semester years and years ago. It was from a French chain store and was 60e, which at the time felt like a huge splurge. It has held up wonderfully–I break it out every fall and spring and always get compliments, and then I get to faux-humbly say “Oh thank you, I bought it in Paris”, which is a satisfaction in its own right.

      1. That’s so amazing. I know exactly how you feel – my perfume is from Paris and not sold here in the US!

    13. I have two wrap dresses from BCBG – one is a black and gray print, the other blue and greens that look like a watercolor abstract. I’ve worn them for ten years, they’re indestructible and look new and are so well cut for me that up or down 15 pounds and they still look amazing. Also have a knee length leather skirt from Rebecca Taylor that I wear nonstop every winter. It’s flattering and bath classic and edgy. And a sleeveless loose blue top from Vince Camaro that is just gorgeous and goes with everything. I think I’ve been wearing it several times a month for five years now and see no signs of it fading. And j have a cotton gray tee that j found in a random hiking store that has been a staple for years too; the material and shape hold up great so it looks flattering even though it is super casual, which makes it my go to tee when I meet up for friends for anything active!

  19. More vacation talk! I’m planning a fall (after Labor Day, before Halloween) trip to Charleston SC. Two people, myself and my partner. We are mid 40s, fairly active but want a relaxing trip. I don’t swim in the ocean but love to read on a beach, he wants a good couple rounds of golf, and we are planning 4-6 nights depending on cost. Any food/lodging/activity ideas appreciated!

    1. It’s hurricane season, so watch for that. But it can be lovely and not as darn hot and swampy as it is now.

      Folly Beach maybe? Even the budget friendly restaurants tend to be good. Toast All Day is our go-to spot for breakfast (close to our office there that I “work” out of on a Friday or Monday while tying on a weekend trip).

    2. Stay at Wild Dunes on Isle of Palms. Dinner reservations at The Boathouse. Drive into Charleston a couple days and poke around – eat at Cru Cafe for lunch and Chez Nous for dinner. Definitely will need reservations.

    3. We stayed at the Beach Club at Charleston Harbor and it was perfect. Easy to drive into the city to have dinner and do activities, but lovely pool area and views.

  20. For the childfree aunts who may read here, I’m wondering how best to approach a family visit. Sister is bringing kiddos (3 ranging in ages from 6 to 13) to visit my parents in the city and after a few days here, is leaving them for about seven or more days for a visit. My parents are not together, but are friends and very amicable. There is driving from home to home involved so each parent visits the other to maximize time with grandkids. Husband and I love playing with the kids and spending time with them, and they always ask about us and want us to do all the active things with them. The issue for us arises due to my parents not making any plans ahead of time or communicating what is going on at the last minute. For example, we hear that kiddos will be at my moms for lunch, so we prepare to go there, but receive a call at the last minute that they are leaving early, to go somewhere else. We’ve been flexible and drive to each parents house on short notice, or wait at home to receive a call where everyone on I’ll gather. I’ve tried to say, we will see you after lunch at two, but then the plans change yet again, so it feels as though we are in this strange pattern of being flexible, but at loose ends at the same time. I love my parents, and they are kind people who try hard, but it has been so frustrating. To add to this, my husband and I took our vacation time knowing the kids would be here and there would be an overlap, but we didn’t realize they would be here ten days. I know I don’t have to spend every single day with them, but I suspect my parents are hoping that we will be there every day, and that if it gets too much for them, we will be there. They claim this is not the case, but Im not so sure. What would you do?

    1. Can you set and communicate your availability now? ‘Mom and Dad we’re free on M/T/W and not on Th/F – we’re happy to take the kids from 12-6 but we’re not free in the mornings, we’ll be at your house at 12 to grab them’. Or take charge of the plans if you want more control.
      I’ve tried to embrace the therapy motto of ‘you can’t control other people but you can communicate your boundaries’ even when making plans – give people chunks of time that you are free, and when you’re not open you’re not open. Of course if there is an emergency let them know you can step up but it sounds like they’re mostly being flakey, not trying to dump the kids on you last minute.

    2. Can you offer to host the kids yourself for 2-3 nights? Then you get your auntie time in, and if your parents end up meeting you for whatever activity you’ve planned, great, and if they never show, oh well, you’ll be dropping the kids off with them on Day X.

      1. This is the move – you get your auntie time, on your schedule, they get a scheduled break.

    3. I like these suggestions. Thank you! We will definitely set some dates that work for us and hope for the best! We are not set up have all three of them overnight, but it’s something we will do when they are a bit older( and they love grandma land now…). I guess I’m just anticipating lots of calls and uncertainty and I have to accept this!

      1. Host 1 or two of them overnight at a time. My kids are 5-9 and require no special “setup” other than an air mattress.

    4. I would make set in stone plans, like “hold Tuesday and Thursday for us and we’ll buy tickets to a game/museum/climbing wall/county fair for us and the kids.” Even spontaneous parents understand the idea of pre purchased tickets.

      1. +1 agree to this. Make firm plans.

        Also commiseration. flakey parents (in this case, grandparents) are so frustrating. My sister, BIL, and parents can be like this this with my niece and nephew. It stinks when it ruins the time for the kids because they’re late to plans and events (and I’m talking by hours late, or 30 min after a community Easter egg hut….big side eye to my sis and BIL on that one).

        1. Op here. My parents used to make plans, but now they are not sure if they will feel well, or are tired, so they say this is a part of this. I feel guilty, though I know it’s not rational. I will do my best to organize fun things for kiddos.

          1. Oh I meant don’t invite your parents. Does that seem harsh? I didn’t think they wanted to do active things based on your post. Like if you have baseball tickets on the third level, that’s a lot of climbing and you can just offer to take the kids and give your parents a break.

          2. That makes sense…parents love spending time with kiddos, but we will do outings without parents too:)

          3. In that case, I would plan ahead as others have suggested and tell your parents, “we’ll take the kids on day from time to time to do activity. Happy to have you join us, or you can enjoy some rest and quiet time at home.” And let them decide in the moment, assuming these are events you can join on the fly. If not, frame it as letting them get some quiet/rest time. If there are other days you are open to meeting up on short notice, let them know. And let them know if there are days you are busy/have to work, so they know they have the kids solo.

            Also: My elderly parents used to watch a relative’s small, active child, so I understand the fatigue angle. But they were able to plan ahead by having movies and other quiet activities on hand to keep her entertained when they were not up to it. If you feel especially nice, you could ask your sister what sort of quiet activities the kids like and drop them off at your parents’ houses. Then the kids get to enjoy grandma land, feel special because auntie is thinking of them, and you don’t have to take off more work or blow up your day.

    5. This problem has nothing to do with kids and everything to do with your parents being flaky and refusing to plan ahead and stick to the plans. We have the same problem with multiple family members even though no kids are involved. If you don’t want to be sitting around waiting and scrambling to join last-minute plans, just announce your own plans and let the others join you when and if they get their act together.

    6. This is not a kid thing. This is a your parents being flaky thing. They will continue to do it as long as you continue to accommodate it. Just don’t. If they cancel the original plans with no reason, then see the kids the next day.

      On the other end of the spectrum – my sister and her kids are visiting in August and my mom has a chart for each day including who is cooking what meals at what locations. I used to hate it but honestly with 12 people, there needs to be coordination so I don’t end up with everyone eating burgers at my house three days in a row.

    7. That sounds annoying! I’d plan to spend time with them first thing in the morning, so you’d either pick them up or they’d get dropped off at your house after breakfast. I would communicate this in advance – “we are taking the kids M-W-F and already bought tickets for the zoo/water park/whatever.” And then try to join for a few dinners wherever they happen – you could buy a new board game or bring water balloons or an ice cream cake to make it more special.

      Also just kudos to you for making this a priority. I’m sure it means a lot to everyone involved.

    8. Thank you everyone for these helpful ideas. Husband and I will set up things with kiddos and parents. It’s going to be tiring, but I’m looking forward to it:)

  21. wise hive

    any recommendation for medium control underwear with some support for lower tummy but not super spanx or anything with wire support stitched in?

    not cotton knickers but not the iron maiden either!

    1. My Maidenform shaping briefs and thongs fit the bill! I’m not willing to be locked into true Spanx, but letting the extra skin hang is actually uncomfortable too.

    2. I don’t know that they quite rise to “medium control” but I bought a pair of undies from Spanx that have some lower tummy control. They’re surprisingly comfy and cute, with a little lace edge on the bottom!

  22. Yesterday I asked for advice/wisdom regarding a friend in a trial separation and likely divorce, and was unintentionally confusing with how vague I was with the details. I’ll repost my response in case there are folks who have thoughts. Thanks!:

    Sorry for being to cryptic, y’all – didn’t mean to be confusing. it’s just a complicated situation and didn’t feel like getting into the weeds when I initially wrote.
    So, my friend’s wife began transitioning in early 2021, and up to that point had not been out to anyone or living as a woman. Huge change, as you can imagine, but they both wanted to stay together and support each other (though in a straight-looking relationship, neither are strictly heterosexual). Recently, her wife shared how difficult it was being at home, with her, and her feelings of dysmorphia, and they all came together in such way that she didn’t feel like she could continue being married. This was not something that I, as a very close friend, saw coming, and my friend was very committed to the relationship, despite the sometimes difficult changes they were dealing with. Had to come out to both sides of the family, etc.
    They are doing a trial separation that likely seems permanent. they have been in therapy together and separately through this whole process. This is a fairly new development, and I want to be the best friend I can be in a circumstance that I have no personal experience with.

    1. Thanks for the additional context. That sounds painful and emotionally fraught, but that there is a lot of love and respect between them. Hopefully, they can amicably separate and still have a caring connection with one another down the line. I hope your friend is connected with a therapist skilled in gender and sexuality.

      1. She is, thank you! It’s terribly tough but I’m gad that she has support on all sides, and a skilled and experienced therapist.

    2. This sounds painful as all hell but will likely be better for everyone, eventually. It really sucks for your friend, though, who didn’t ask for any of this and it seems has been very supportive. Nobody’s the bad guy here, but it sounds like divorce is imminent. I think the best thing you can do is to be a good listener and reiterate how much you respect how she’s (he’s? not sure, can’t tell) handled everything.

      1. Nobody’s the bad guy? Do you really think it’s okay to marry someone without telling them you’re trans? Seems mighty deceptive to me. Especially since they just got married.

        1. In this case, there wasn’t any hiding – the spouse didn’t know they were tr*ns themselves until fairly recently. They identified as a cis person for 7+ years of their relationship.

    3. I think we have a poster here whose wife transitioned. Maybe she will chime in. I’d try again on the Pm post

    4. I’ve been in a sort of similar situation (spouse came out after many years together). I had friends who bad-mouthed my former spouse – not helpful at all. I had friends who leaned a little too far the other way and only talked about how great it was that spouse was finally able to live their truth – I wasn’t there yet and it was unreasonable to expect me to be there when my life was falling apart. What I really appreciated was when friends would acknowledge what a difficult time I was going through without bad-mouthing my former spouse. I would not ask questions about how your friend’s wife is doing, etc. unless friend brings it up. Your friend undoubtedly still loves their former spouse and you probably do too, but your friend needs a few folks focused entirely on their well-being. Even if your friend supports their former spouse, they may still have times when they feel very angry or like their former partner is acting selfishly. Those thoughts aren’t always going to be rationale, but it’s not your job to point that out. Let your friend experience their emotions. At the end of the day, it is still hard to be the one who gets left so someone else can start a new life. It’s hard feeling like collateral damage. My former spouse is now one of my very best friends, but it took time.

      1. Thank you so much for sharing, this is what I was hoping someone would say. Your suggestions confirm what my gut was telling me – that it’s probably zero help to badmouth her wife in any way, or bring her up, unless necessary. I’m also friends with both of them and have no desire to stir drama or burn bridges.
        Doesn’t seem like I’m doing much when it’s clear my friend is in the middle of her life falling apart, but I’m glad I’m around to be an ear and distract when she needs it.

  23. I’m having new job regret and not sure what to do. I started a new job about 7 weeks ago, and it is nothing like what I expected. The budget situation and work is materially different than what I was told during interviews. It’s a startup and let’s just say it is struggling a bit. My boss is coming down on me hard to close deals while I’m still learning the ropes and players, wanting me to raise more than the company has ever raised without clear pipelines to do so. My boss also gatekeeps which makes it hard to develop relationships. I’ve never been in a job for less than 2 years…how would such a short stint look on a resume? Would I leave it off? Am I crazy for thinking of going back on the job market?

    1. Not at all. I went back to my former company after a year with a start up–the role I went back for was a step up but I also couldn’t stand the startup I had gone to. I interviewed a little bit with other companies as well, and recruiters were generally very understanding about the situation without me having to do much explaining. Startup time is so different and everything you’ve written here is a completely reasonable explanation for why you’re looking to move on. You may have more trouble securing initial interviews because a 7 month tenure is an easy disqualifier but I don’t think it’ll raise any eyebrows once you’re in the interview cycle.

      1. IT’s been 7 weeks, not months, so I’m glad to hear less is more in this case!

    2. Sometimes you can tell that a situation is not going to get better, and my advice in that situation is to look for another job ASAP, and then you can use the “job wasn’t as advertised” excuse and then talk about why you are a great fit for the new role. It’s much, much harder to use this line if you stay somewhere six months or a year.

      1. Agreed. And the craziness of the labor market recently and right now mean that no one is going to bat an eye at it later. I recently spent 6 months at a new job that was not as described. I started exploring options for leaving after about 3 months to show that it wasn’t just because I was new, but it was truly bad and it could take a while to figure out the next thing. Especially with a start up I feel like people would understand that there can be some aspirational descriptions during the interview phase:) Good luck!

    3. Hi! Not sure you’ll see this but I do feel like a lot of movement is increasing acceptable. If you’re miserable, start looking and explain the short stint the way you did heat – essentially the job was not what you were told.
      I would leave current job off resume but be prepared to talk about it at interviews.
      Good luck!

  24. AITA, dog edition. We got a puppy during the pandemic. He was good with all of the neighborhood dogs he met. 9 months ago, schools reopened and we went back to work. He met a lot fewer dogs. New dogs moved in. Lots of new owners and dogs have moved in since this spring. Dog is still fine with all of the original dogs he met and is fine with dogs he meets at Doggy Daycare (1x/week) and when hiking. Dog is NOT FINE with new dogs, especially if they are a) medium-to-large and b) fluffy-coated like a doodle dog, especially if they are on our block of our street. Often if I keep saying “we are walking” he will ignore medium flat-coated dogs. But often, he is a barking, growling, lunging nutcase. And he is about 100 pounds, so I keep him on the short-handle of the leash in that case b/c I can control him (and I scan for dogs as I walk him). Our teens are banned from dog walking now unless just to our back yard or they are with me.

    I get that this is scary for the other dog (50% of the time, they growl and lunge first; but doggo is often the offender) and owner, but what can you do? Dog seems to regard all but the oldest friends as invaders to his turf. Owners are reluctant to move closer and let the dogs meet and work it out (and I don’t know these people to send an e-mail to). Dog is fine with his friends and their owners.

    What I can I do so that my dog stops being the a$shole? He is 3, so not mellowing out but has gotten much worse since schools reopened. He gets a lot of exercise.

    1. Is there a training place you can go to? They’d probably know better than anyone. I’m not sure how he is off-leash, but having an aggressive 100 pound dog can be a liability. I’d see if it’s possible to find an expert in the area to try to take care of this for you.

    2. OP here — My question re taking him to training is that he doesn’t do this anywhere but home. He is fine at breweries, even with other dogs, walking trails, daycare, petco, basically anywhere that is NOT his home turf. And on his home turf, it’s only with some new dogs (the invaders). Can a place replicate this? [First-time dog owner; dog was a LOT smaller when I got him and looked like a golden retriever sort of mutt and not a giant dog. The non-mellowness didn’t show up until we had a significant # of new dogs and the weather warmed up this spring.

      1. You can get a trainer/ behaviorist to come to your home to work specifically on this where it is happening.

        Also he may be responsive to your body languages so if you are tensing in anticipation that may add to the response. I know it’s hard to do when you are worried about his reaction, but try to stay calm and reinforce one command for him to pass by without lunging. Lots of treats as well when he complies.

      2. My understanding is that good trainers can help with some of the emotional aspects of the aggression. So if a dog feels like he’s having to attack or protect you, there may be something going on with not feeling safe in the hierarchy or something else along those lines. A dog trainer can work with you to help teach the dog that he doesn’t need to lash out in any circumstance.

    3. There’s a redd1t for reactive dogs and I would start there. They are so, so helpful.

      Generally, if you have a reactive dog, it’s 100% on you to control your dog, and not on any other dog owner to accommodate you. Please keep that in mind.

      1. This will probably go to m0d but here’s the link

        https://www.reddit.com/r/reactivedogs/

        Remember, your dog is a pack animal. He acknowledges you’re above him in the pack, hopefully, which is what training is about, but he’s both protecting you and establishing that he’s above these other dogs in the hierarchy. Understanding dog psychology is key to dealing with where your dog is coming from.

    4. Your dog does not need to be friends with every dog. You know which dogs he doesn’t like, so take control, cross the street, choke up on leash and stay calm. You can also give treats when passing those dogs to distract him and reward him if he’s relatively calm. You are not the ahole for trying to fix this and it’s not necessarily anything your family did that’s causing your dog to react this way. You are the AH if you expect the other dog owners in your neighborhood to be part of the solution by interacting with your dog, responding to emails about this, etc.

      1. I completely agree with this. I have a dog who is reactive on leash sometimes, and I would never ever expect or even ask another dog owner to allow their dog to approach mine when she is barking or snarling. I actually know myself well enough to know that I’m anxious during any leashed encounter with her, so even if she is behaving well, I don’t approach other dogs with her. My boyfriend and his parents are much more relaxed, so they’ll do it if she’s on good behavior at the time.

        A trainer who comes to your house will do wonders! We use a command similar to “Watch Me” with a VERY high value treat that she only receives on walks. If she maintains eye contact with me when walking by another dog or if she starts to lunge and then catches herself and looks at me instead, I will treat her. She’s gotten to the point where she’ll usually look at me whenever she sees another dog coming. If she’s having an off-day, I cross the street when I see another dog and have gone home before if there are too many others out and she’s getting over stimulated. It is 100% on you to make sure your dog isn’t scary to other people or dogs.

        1. To follow up on this– I know the other people in my neighborhood with reactive dogs or dogs in training because many of us walk at off times, subtly nod heads at each other instead of loud greetings, take weird paths to avoid other dogs, etc. So you can still go on walks! Just if your dog is super reactive, maybe not at popular times until she’s got some strategies to cope.

    5. You need a dog behaviorist! An obedience class will do nothing for these issues.

      My dog used to be leash-reactive for the mail truck, runners, and big trucks on our usual walking route in a rural suburb. She’s four years old and the barking and lunging was veeery slow to come on but had gotten to the point of being super embarrassing and frustrating. Ended up sending her to a four-week board and train program and it’s like a new dog came home! Not all board and trains are created equal (specifically avoid K-9 off leash, they are a nationwide chain and have very little standards for their trainers) and it’s been a lot of work on my part to reinforce the training she learned at the board and train, but my dog no longer reacts to any of her former triggers, just walks by my side like the little golden girl she is.

      Also, as part of her training my dog started using an e-collar. I used to be very opposed to the idea of them but talked through my reservations with our trainer and it has worked wonders for us.

    6. Teach the “watch me” command at home. Then when you see an unfamiliar dog approaching during a walk, have your dog sit and “watch me” before he has a chance to react. Feed him treats and keep him looking at your face until the other dog has passed. After he’s gotten good at this, you can just have him sit and eat treats while the other dog passes without requiring “watch me.”

      In the short run, if you sense a potential confrontation cross the street before the other dog gets to you.

    7. Leave the other dog owners out of it. I am not going to let my toothless 75-lb Golden “meet and work it out” with a snarling 100-pound dog.

  25. Your dog does not need to be friends with every dog. You know which dogs he doesn’t like, so take control, cross the street, choke up on leash and stay calm. You can also give treats when passing those dogs to distract him and reward him if he’s relatively calm.

    1. OP here — I think what is confounding me is that his behavior is so different from what it was originally. It’s like everyone initially in his world is allowed and even liked. Everyone new to it must be an invader and dealt with like that. His BFF dog is a small rough-coated dog and he is also friends with various bigger dogs up to a 125 pound mastiff (but all dogs from mid-2020). The new 2022 dogs . . . OMG he is just 50-75% of the time some sort of guard-dog mess and the rest just meh on a stranger dog also on a walk. I just don’t get it. Maybe he has some sort of guard dog in his DNA? The original dogs is is very mellow with (from ignoring to wanting to play). Yes, I walk him for long times in the off-hours and drive him to a greenway (so neutral ground, not HIS turf) where he is fine. I don’t want him to be friends with other dogs just ignore them. Ugh. He is fine with people visitors in our house.

      1. My friend does rescue/foster work. It’s very common that the dogs are meek at first until they get comfortable, and then they get more aggressive as they feel more like this is their home and they’re defending their turf/owner.

        My dog plays with her fosters a lot and he’s sort of grandfathered in because he met the dog during the meek stage, but the dogs have a hard time making new friends once they’ve acclimated enough to be in Full Sass Mode.

        The rescue always says the dog will need to be an only dog and will need extensive training for dogs that start to exhibit these characteristics.

        As always, it’s all about training.

      2. I have recently had the same issue with my 60lb pandemic dog! He is 2, so a bit younger, and normally the entire world is his friend. But there are 2-3 new, young dogs in the neighborhood and they set him off like nobody’s business…he lunges and barks at them in a way he does not do in any other context. I read online that at about that age they are sort of reassessing their place in the world and potentially feeling more territorial, hence this only occurring for new dogs. Also, if the dogs haven’t been spayed/neutered, there may be hormonal issues at play (e.g., all the dog daycares near me don’t allow un-fixed dogs).

        For now, I’m trying to distract my dog with treats when these dogs come by us on a walk, and we always cross the street. Sometimes he is distractible, sometimes not. If it continues, it’s back to training we go. There are trainers who do house calls!

      3. Most dogs become dog selective over time. Find your dog’s threshold on his turf with the dogs he doesn’t like (how far away do you have to be from the doodle so he doesn’t react) and ensure you are always that far away. You can counter condition him, but that will take time and a trainer. In the meantime, don’t let him get over threshold — it will exacerbate the issue.

  26. Olive and June mail kit worth it? Trying to save money and cut down on gel manicures, but have lousy fine motor/painting nails with my left hand skills.

    1. Following! I somehow got sucked into their website yesterday and wanted ALL THE COLORS

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