Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Cally Pleated Shirtdress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This tan color isn’t something I would normally gravitate to, but something about this dress from LK Bennett caught my eye. I’m a sucker for a perfectly pleated skirt, but there’s something about the coordinating belt and button-up top that I’m really into.
I might lean into the '80s preppy look and tie a sweater around my shoulders to complete the outfit.
The dress is $495 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 2-14. It also comes in navy.
A more affordable alternatives is from Halogen ($119, sizes S-XL).
Sales of note for 7/8/25:
- Amazon Prime Day! I just finished our full roundup — check out deals on hair tools from Shark and Dyson, leather jackets from All Saints, classic makeup like Black Honey, as well as deals from Lo & Sons, Rothy's, Theory (love this lady jacket), Levi's, Kate Spade (love these shoes, this tote, and lots of tech gear), Club Monaco, and Gap — full roundup here
- Nordstrom – 2,700+ new markdowns for women — and the Anniversary Sale preview has started!
- Ann Taylor – Semiannual sale, 30% off your purchase and extra 50% off sale styles
- Athleta – Last Chance Semi-Annual Sale – Up to 70% off + Extra 30% Off (cute gym bag!)
- Banana Republic Factory – July Fourth Event, 50-70% off everything + extra 25% off
- Boden – Final call sale, up to 60% off + extra 10%
- Eloquii – Flash sale, extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – End of season sale, up to extra 70% off sale styles with code
- J.Crew Factory – All-Star Sale, 40-70% off entire site and storewide and extra 60% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Sale on sale! Extra 25% on already discounted merchandise! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Rothy's – Up to 50% off seasonal faves, plus new penny loafers and slingbacks
- Spanx – End of season sale, get an extra 30% off sale styles
- Talbots – 40% off your entire purchase, + free shipping on $150+
Just a note to say thanks to whomever suggested the mantra “I’m getting better and better at speaking up earlier and earlier” in a thread a week or two ago. It’s really working well for me.
That was me! Yay! It was given to me by someone, please pass it along too.
I think my long distance bf may be using a hard drug, like coke. I do not know all the symptoms. But I know he used it before we met, he’s drinking a lot more (like from “maybe 1” drink on a weekend to 4+ a night multiple a week), he’s relying on trazadone for sleep, he’s super up and down, and consuming insane amounts of caffeine compared to when we first met 4 years ago. I feel gross asking or accusing him, but also, if he is, that’s it. How do I ask? Should I just focus on the behaviors that concern me and if that’s bad enough, split up?
Personally I would be looking at this as a “put your own oxygen mask on” kind of a situation. Do you have Al Anon near you? A therapist? Can you find some good resources about addiction and recovery? I’d go into the conversation prepared with some understandings about what your personal boundaries are going to be in the situation, and the degree to which you’re willing or able to encourage him to seek treatment. Having some thoughts beforehand about this may be helpful, as if he is addicted, there is often very little that someone can do to help influence change. This is so hard, I’m very sorry.
If he’s displaying concerning behaviors, does it really matter much if he’s using? He still acts in ways you dislike.
Of course it matters. How is this even a question.
I think the point is that she doesn’t like what he’s doing. The why is immaterial.
OP, break up with him. He’s a long distance boyfriend. Find someone whose lifestyle is not a glaring red flag. I would absolutely not be going to Al anon or something like that for this guy.
She likely wouldn’t care if he had a big coffee habit if it didnt come with a side of substance use. The “why” absolutely matters.
He sounds like a hot mess. Why stay with this guy? Completely agree the why doesn’t matter.
Agree. Doesn’t matter what drug. This isn’t behavior I would want for my future. You get to choose wanting a safe place to land in a partner and this doesn’t sound like it.
Agree. And his behavior 100% screams opioid use. RUN, GIRL!
Agree. What particular drug is or isn’t involved doesn’t matter. You want a safe place to land with a partner, and the behaviors you’re already observing are showing you that you’re not going to get it with him.
Is this what you would want for a daughter? The right one shouldn’t require a bunch of excuses or explanations to make it sound OK.
Sorry for the double post
I get the sense that OP is wondering if her reasons to break up – without knowing about substance abuse – is good enough. If that read is correct then, OP, just break up with him. Your reasons for breaking up with someone you’re not married to are always good enough. You know something is off. Trust your gut.
Since it’s long distance I would honestly just cut my losses. Men are so replaceable it’s not worth the trouble.
I concur but write separately to note that “unfortunate matches are easily replaceable.” A local unfortunate match will at least be much more of a known quantity for DTMFAMO when you can keep kicking the can down the road with a long-distance one.
What are your goals for the relationship? I’m going to sound callous but if you plan to move for this man, get engaged/married and build a future together all of this is an immediate deal breaker. I’m no longer in my 20s and 4 drinks a night plus hard drugs to sleep is NOT normal and I wouldn’t be ok with it.
That being said – you can’t fix him, you can only state your concerns/boundaries. If he’s defensive and unwilling to change now, he’s not going to magically get better in the future.
I agree with all of this.
Trazodone is not a hard drug.
You don’t ask, you just break up with him. Long distance relationships need to be rock solid to survive. This guy is abusing substances (even if some are legal he’s still abusing them), you think he’s relapsing with his illegal drug addiction, and he isn’t even living in the same area as you? What are you possibly getting out of this relationship?
This this this.
I wonder if there is some commitment-phobia going on. Four years of long distance with a guy who is a hot mess? That is neither living your best single life nor finding a solid, loving partner to do life with.
DTMFA
Yup.
I’m technically on the side of DTMFA, because hard drugs would be an absolute deal breaker for me.
Just wanted to share that if you want to try, you are very much entitled to say something. Early in our long distance dating times, I mentioned how my now-husband would pour himself a whiskey every night unless he was out with friends having beers, and I made me wonder whether he couldn’t go without a drink for a night. If you are both mature and invested in the relationship, it should be a conversation that you can have. Not pleasant but important.
Although again, what you described is not the same as drinking every night, so ymmv significantly!
Just break up. You aren’t proving his guilt before a jury.
The caffeine part kind of made
me laugh.
Right? Like, hon. The house is on fire, and you’re worried about a dish towel hung crookedly.
I think the caffeine is a problem for OP because 1) He’s using caffeine as a band-aid instead of addressing the underlying issue: going to bed earlier, cutting out whatever else prevents him from getting enough sleep. 2) Too much caffeine on a long term basis has health effects. 3) He’s created a vicious cycle with the uppers and downers. This guy is living like Judy Garland.
He’s making short sighted,
nonsensical decisions instead of managing his time like an adult.
Agree with this. This guy is absolutely on opioids – as someone who has a ton of tragic experience with this topic, I could not be more certain. OP needs to break up with this dude ASAP and block him in all forms.
If you know this much from a distance, I shudder to think of the up close reality. DTMFA already.
Yes. I don’t know what the good parts of this relationship are, but these issues are the tip of an iceberg.
I agree with the advice to end this relationship. Also, I guarantee he will lie to you if you ask him, so there’s really no point in doing so. Please do not invest any more of your precious and limited time and energy into this relationship – it will only end in heartbreak.
I agree with everyone else that you should not be in a relationship with this guy. That said, if you still care for him you should connect with a joint friend or even a family member to voice your concerns. He may cut you out (or vice versa, you wouldn’t be wrong for wanting a clean break), but if you really care for him it would be nice to have someone else concerned about him as well.
We’ve had the same cleaning lady forever – maybe 20 years? She is Ukranian, and just let us know she will be gone a month this summer to go visit her mother there. Is it odd/weird to give her some extra money to help offset the cost of the trip, plus what she will lose by not working during that time? She’ll miss two cleaning cycles with us; I was thinking we would give her the equivalent of what we would normally pay for one of those, and just tell her it is a small thank you. I am not normally indecisive, and this was my first reaction, then I started thinking – is it patronizing? The world has me very confused these days.
We pay our weekly cleaning lady when she doesn’t come because she is sick, for the 1-2 weeks per year that she goes home to see her family, and if a holiday falls on a day that she would be at our house. I figure that my job includes paid sick, vacation, and holidays, so hers should too. I encourage you to pay her for the weeks she will be gone. If you want to give her additional money on top of that for her trip, I’m sure she would be very happy to receive that as well.
+1
I do not do this because I want to keep it clear they’re an independent contractor, but I do give a large holiday tip. OP, it’s nice and you could also do it as a gift for the trip itself. Only college educated people are wringing their hands over perceived offenses.
If you consider her an independent contractor, do you also give her a 1099? Ask for her insurance coverage?
I pay my long-time housekeeper monthly, so she’s paid on the 1st for however many Thursdays are in that month, regardless if she’ll be on vacation or it’s Christmas, etc. So yes, I would pay her for the weeks she’ll be gone. Esp if she’s been with you for 20 years!
It’s not patronizing. I would give it to her as a tip if you see her before she leaves and tell her you can’t wait to see her when she gets back. It’s a nice thing to do, I promise she will not be offended.
It’s a lovely idea, it will be appreciated.
Not weird or patronizing at all. Go for it. It is very kind and will be appreciated. Tbh, I would probably pay her for both of the cleanings that she will miss.
Not at all patronizing. Personal anecdote: a senior partner I worked with in Biglaw gave me money for a Michelin starred dinner when I took my honeymoon to Paris many (many, many) years ago. I thought it was thoughtful, not patronizing.
it is a nice thing to do and not weird at all
I might go even further! Given that she’s going to Ukraine, I might give her an additional fund that she could use when she’s there, to help anyone she wants to in any way she wants. Maybe her mom needs help, or maybe the family knows of someone with extra needs because of what’s been happening in the country. (Unless, of course, if over the 20 years you’ve come to know her as a foolish or selfish person with questionable judgment. But I’m guessing that’s not the case, since your instinct is to be kind and generous to her.)
Absolutely she would be thrilled and touched. That is a super idea!
In what world is a woman likely living/retiring close to the poverty line from working as a cleaning lady for 20+ years think this is patronizing? None that I know.
We have a similar cleaner, originally from a similarly war torn country, who has also worked with us for over 20 years. She is practically part of the family. We gift her generously, and in an instance such as this we would give her a lot. During COVID, when we asked her to stay home for more than 1 year and paid her for all of it.
We all need to be giving much more generously like this and more, especially when we are living well and can absolutely afford it.
My org just got a new leader who has atrocious reviews on Blind, pointing to micromanagement, narcissism, and burnout culture. At the meet and greet they also said a lot of things that I found concerning, such as a love for tight deadlines and efficiency. The market is bad and my immediate team is good, and I’m a few layers down, so I plan to stay and see how things go. If I get laid off, at least I can take a break while I search for something else.
I know all of this rationally, but in the meantime, how do I not worry about this, given it’s something I can’t control?
I try not to borrow trouble. You know this could be an issue. It is not currently an issue. Worrying preemptively wont solve anything. If you want to do something, maybe take extra steps to document things you think could come back as issues and polish up your resume just in case.
This is great advice. I like the suggestions of ways to get ahead and would add networking. It’s better to step up your networking game *before* you need it. If you’re able to support others, offer some connections to them, etc. it won’t feel as awkward when you need that in return later.
Even if the new person turns out to be terrible, if you are a few layers down and you have a good supervisor, it may not affect you much at all – your manager may be able to shield you from a lot of crap. I would definitely wait and see what happens.
Agree with wait and see, but if you are inefficient and bad with deadlines, work on that. Your supervisor won’t save you if you’re the problem. I’m not saying you are, just don’t ignore the actual issue if there is one.
When the more passive person in the relationship agrees to a plan and then when it’s time to execute, drags their heels and hems and haws and then you eventually drag out of them that they weren’t that into the plan all along, do you insist on doing it anyway or reconsider with the new information available? I’m trying to separate how annoyed I am at the lack of directness with what’s actually fair for joint decisions when I know one person is naturally less decisive and usually happy to go with the flow, but apparently not always. A minor example would be agreeing to go to the nice beach for July 4, which requires a 6 am start to drive and park ahead of crowds. Then on July 3 comes the world’s slowest packing of the car and purchasing of food because it turns out he’d rather go to the non-crowded beach at noon instead, but I’ve already told our friends we’ll see them there and made plans for dinner on the drive back that I’ve been looking forward to (ie, switching beaches isn’t equal anymore).
I would not change the plan based on the new information. He had plenty of time to tell you ahead of time, and you’re not a mind reader. Caving at this point is going to show both of you that his method works. Why would he have any incentive to change if he gets what he wants in the end? (And I say this as a person who struggles with being passive and indecisive!)
I guess it’s a struggle because he’s not at all malicious and rarely has a strong preference/is almost always game for a plan I suggest. It’s these rare instances that give me pause on how I should react, like I should be considerate because he so rarely “makes trouble.” But being passive also drives me crazy so idk.
Your sweet to take this mindset. I’d tell him that the plans are already made for this trip but that you can agree to prioritize the easier beach going forward.
Honestly, I would have broken up with him after the first time he pulled this shit. If you are not married, run as fast as possible away from that relationship.
Since it sounds like you might be married, I would do couples counseling to work on communication skills because you should be able to trust your partners response. For the example you gave, I wouldn’t be reevaluating the plans. He agreed to them and you made plans around his agreement. If he didn’t want to go to the nice beach, he needs to use his words.
It must be nice to live a life with zero grace to give for your fellow man/romantic partner.
Some of you are just terrible at being humans.
I have lots of grace to give for my parent who is capable of using his words. And if the OP had asked what to do because her partner is now saying he wants to change the plans for the 4th, my response would be really different.
But I can’t stand adults who can’t use their words. I’m not a mind reader and I shouldn’t have to be with another adult. Plus, every single person I know like this is also a bad partner in many other ways. Being super passive aggressive is not their only issue as a partner.
*my partner
Same. This kind of shit is so frustrating. It’s a deal breaker for me.
Your last paragraph is so spot-on. It isn’t passive; it’s passive aggressive.
And yes, they are horrible partners in other ways.
My husband will do this and I realized it’s his social anxiety. That realization helped us both a lot. After our initial conversation about it, he’s done it less and has been able to talk about feeling anxious more. Sometime I do need to mention to him that “you’re doing that thing and it’s bringing me down when I’m excited about these plans” and together we come up with an escape plan if needed (like how we would bail if it was awful for him).
Yeah, my first husband was like this and it was not his only failing as a partner.
I’m the more passive partner in my relationship, and I agree that this behavior is infuriating. My partner has many more opinions on what would be fun to do/is much more particular than I am, so I’m often going along to get along. But when I don’t want to do something, it’s my job to speak up when it’s suggested, or grin and bear it.
My partner isn’t a mind reader – and because I’m almost always down to do what he’d like to do, on the rare occasion that I’d rather not do something, or have an alternate suggestion, he’s really good about listening.
Moving forward, consider ensuring that when Mr. Passive Aggressive agrees to Plan A that he’s actively agreeing and buying in to the plan. Seems like he might be saying yes to make you happy but then doing what he wants. More generously, DH and I occasionally mistake the other’s agreement with something else. Life with two jobs and two kids gets so busy, either someone really doesn’t remember or just really didn’t hear the question.
But when someone says “yes sounds great,” are you supposed to be like “are you sure? You really want to?” That would be crazy, but what else could you do if someone says yes and you have no reason to believe it’s a hidden no?
I mean, it depends on the circumstances. Make sure your question is direct and you’re getting a direct response.
A distracted, yeah sure whatever you say, when they’re clearly focused on something else, is not agreement. And it’s kind of a jerk move to treat it otherwise, at least intentionally. If you’re trying to get agreement on doing a thing then you need to be sure they actually heard and understood you. That might look different for different people and different circumstances. A shared calendar helps us a lot. We no longer have the — but I TOLD you about this 6 months ago! — arguments.
This is classic passive aggressive behavior. I cannot stand this,
In this example, no. Rewarding last-minute whining with a change of plans just encourages the behavior.
I’d think about whether the problem comes up around certain issues. Is the problem that they don’t like getting up early? Or don’t like long drives in traffic? Or crowds? I agree that it’s not fair to back out of things once you’ve already made plans around them, but I’d probably try harder to make sure you’re not running over your partner’s preferences to begin with if there are certain things you know they don’t really like but are prone to going along with.
I guess I sometimes say yes to things I’m not into, and then feel grumpy about it later. I wouldn’t try to slow roll or change it later though. When I do it its usually because the other person seems committed to that plan or to strongly prefer it already. It would help if it was either really early in the planning process, or if multiple options are mentioned.
FWIW I would have spoken up in this case for sure, and I do make a point of making sure people understand that I’m not attached to a plan yet if I’m asking for their input.
+1 When you get past the annoyance of whatever happened over the weekend that caused you to post about this first thing on a Monday, could you guys have a conversation around HOW you’re going to make plans? It sounds like you’re the planner, and he’s the “goer-alonger.” Which likely works out great most times. Can you two agree on a process you use for some things that slows your roll a bit more, and requires him to say what he wants earlier? Like maybe you bring up “we need to plan ___.” And then he has two days to think about what he prefers, and you guys talk again and he has to go first in saying what he prefers (because I assume that you already know what you prefer, and if you say it first, he’ll just go along with it, because it’s easier). Then there’s ____ thing that happens to finalize the decision.
I think I tend to be more of a go-alonger. But I try to be very bluntly clear if there is something I REALLY don’t want to do, or something I really DO want to do.
Maybe you could ask your partner to focus on just those two things: absolutely not and absolutely yes. For me, there is a lot of middle ground stuff that I honestly don’t care about, so it’s more productive for me to focus on what I do care about.
Another thing I do when my partner and I are stuck in indecisiveness is come up with 3 options, all palatable, and then say which 2 I prefer. It’s easier to decide when we’ve limited the options.
I do this with my husband too. I usually narrow things down to 3 options for big picks (hotels, flight times, etc.) and then give him my preference and why, then we discuss together.
For other things he knows my general needs/deal breakers and vice versa. I don’t do water excursions, need breaks from direct sun/heat (yay being Irish), hate early starts before 8am without a really good reason, and need to eat regularly (every ~3-4hrs).
Can you leave space for the option of him not coming along at the last minute?
I’m the less social person, with more health issues, in the relationship. For a day trip or night out we sometimes plan that I will come if I feel like it but not come if I don’t. No pressure on him to change his plans with friends or to stay home.
I would ask my husband if he wanted to change the plan now, but also talk about any consequences are (canceling plans with friends) and tell him honestly how I feel about the original plan (disappointed about not going to that restaurant). In most cases (like 90% of the time), he would choose to stay with the original plan and figure out a way to take care of himself. If he said he really needed to sleep in or couldn’t handle socializing that day, I’d change plans. That might mean leaving him at home to rest while I met up with friends, or going to the quiet beach at noon. I know he’s doing his best and powers through as often as he can.
We’d also have a conversation about communicating and managing expectations. “Plan A sounds fun, and I can tell you’re excited, but I’m not sure I’m going to be up for it. Can I let you know on Thursday how I’m feeling?” I know I’d be a little frustrated with that because I like plans and certainty–which is why he’d just commit in the first place–but it’s better than backing out of plans. We’re still working on that side of things after 15 years of marriage. Sometimes I can tell what he’s doing and call him on it. “You’re being quiet while I make these plans, which I tend to take for a yes, but you often just don’t want to say no. Where are you on this? Do you need some time to think about it before I text our friends back?”
Oh, and I would definitely call him on the slow roll. We have a kid, and many activities are SO much easier when both parents are helping with logistics and enthusiastic about the outing. Solo parenting the outing is second best. There is nothing that ruins my day faster than feeling like I’m dragging my actual child and a man child out the door.
DH and I had a “big” discussion (or series of discussions) about this about 6 years ago. DH really changed his ways and has actually been great since then.
Speaking as someone who’s only way of “speaking up” in my (now ended) marriage, please be very mindful of your reaction when the passive partner expresses their own opinion or any hesitation.
Also, maybe make it more of an open ended conversation: what do you want to do for 4th of July? Versus, “I was thinking we’d go to the beach that requires us to leave at 6 am, does that work?” which just prompts a “Sure, that’s fine.” to avoid the argument. If the passive partner raises a concern like, “Well, wouldn’t that require us to leave super early?” or “That sounds stressful, I’d rather just relax,” don’t immediately come back with, “Yes, but it’s so worth it because that beach is so much nicer.” or “It’ll be relaxing once we get there!”
As a more passive/agreeable person, it’s absolutely impossible to express an opinion that’s just going to turn into an argument because it doesn’t feel like it’s worth it, especially if you’re never going to get your way anyway, and it just leads to a more unpleasant route of doing what the other person wants in the first place. Not sure if any of this is helpful/applicable, but just trying to put into words the experience of the passive-aggressive partner.
Yeah my partner steamrolls me like this too. We’ve instituted a new rule that my opinions are not up for debate and he just makes dreadful faces at me instead of arguing which is better but still not ideal.
Yeah any of those phrases would make me shut down. And the person probably feels that it was a conversation, but it was NOT.
uh, then you need to learn to stand up for yourself. people cannot read your mind. in the example you provided, if you said “i’d prefer not to leave super early” and the person came back with “it’s so worth it bc that beach is nicer,”….well then you reply with your thoughts. that is not necessarily an argument, but a discussion. obviously it depends on the tone of the other person, but you need to be able to confidently express your opinions
I agree with this. This is also why I can’t be with a very passive person. I’m not trying to steamroll, I’m just expressing my opinion like I hope you will express yours!
Passive people can be steamrollers; they just… go and do whatever they want while pretending to agree with the plan.
Steamrolling, IMHO, involves not allowing discussion or dissent. It isn’t steamrolling to express an opinion. It IS steamrolling when you don’t allow other people the option of expressing their own wishes and have those wishes considered on par with your own (as applicable) in decision-making.
There’s literally no point when your opinion is always wrong and their opinion is always right. Ok, so it’s worth it because that beach is nicer. Guess I’m just a stupid idiot then!
Yeah I mean this is a personality mismatch. I’ve dated passive guys who basically thought what you think – if you give a different opinion AT ALL then I’m telling him he’s just a stupid idiot. Whereas I think I’m trying to have a simple conversation about pros and cons.
I could see myself very good-naturedly saying “so worth it!!” because that’s just what I think. Am I hoping you’ll agree with my point? Sure! But I want you to ACTUALLY agree not just say ok. I want to have a discussion where we’re both explaining our respective positions. Maybe you’ve thought of something I haven’t and I’ll agree with you! Like maybe, remember they finally finished that road project so traffic wont be as bad, and also it’s going to be 100 degrees with 99% humidity do you really WANT extra hours on the beach?
Somebody doing this in an abusive, manipulative way is not likely to be asking how to improve the dynamic.
I wouldn’t change plans last minute, especially since you’re meeting up with people, but also it would be a cold day in h*ll before I get up at 6 on a holiday
I agree so much! And that’s GETTING OUT THE DOOR at 6a, which means getting up even earlier. To go to a crowded beach on a major holiday. To hang with people all day and then go out to dinner on the way home. {{shudder}}
Yeah. Always better in theory than when you actually have to do it. I’d slow roll it, too. Or hope for rain.
Why not just use your words? Seriously, why not?
Ok? I use my words. “I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS” but generally everyone has to s*ck it up at some point and do what they don’t want to do, and the partner has to come to terms that their super great idea is a sacrifice to their partner and accept that.
This is person specific! Which is probably why there’s conflict. I’d get up early if there was any whiff of parking hassle. But I’d also go to the easy beach over the “nice” beach every time.
Right, so you can see how it’s rude to say “ok that sounds great!” when in your head, it’s a hell no?
Seriously. I would do it for something like a tour of the Vatican before the crowds, or the Colliseum before you roast in midday sun, or if that means we catch the only direct flight for hours. But getting up at 6am to go to a beach?!? Not a chance in hell.
Ha this was my thought too! I personally cannot imagine leaving for the beach at 6am and staying until dinner time without a house or hotel to go back to during the middle of the day. But to each their own!
That being said, OP it sounds like you and your friends are fine with this, so I would not change your plans at this point.
If you’re not married, I’d break up. Not over the actual issue but because this is the kind of person that will surprise mess up your life one day. Someone so passive will not express their true feelings or concerns until they boil over and it’s too late. If you are married, I’d really get to counseling asap to work on communication.
LOL. Life will Suprise mess up your life, too. There’s no escaping this.
Well, sure it could, but you don’t need to guarantee it by marrying Captain Cannot Use His Words.
+10000
Honestly, this personality is probably better off not being married to your type of personality. I wonder what causes these people to connect–just apathy?
So agree with this. It might feel good in the moment, but it’s not a recipe for long-term fit. He’ll be the type to call if all off one day out of seemingly nowhere or else play the part of long-suffering spouse behind your back. I’ve seen this pattern so many times in my friend circle with both women and men (though usually more women). It’s an imbalanced partnership. You can’t “fix” this for him, and in the meantime you’re developing some really bad patterns without even realizing it (because he isn’t saying what he actually feels).
I will just add this input as a person who frequently is tasked with logistics around trips, regardless of relationship. I ask the people involved what they want to do. I look at all of the options and make arrangements for things that have specific timings like reservations. And I add in flexibility. I also make travel arrangements to my preference while verifying with the group (I don’t like early morning flights but also I want the good spot at the beach so will get up early). After those repeated checkins though I would be annoyed if people kept wanting me to change because I put in all of the effort so they didn’t have to.
OP here and this is probably why I’m feeling resentful and posted early on a Monday. I definitely ask for his input and take his preferences into account – he’s a good person and I want to do things he finds fun! But it does take a lot of logistical work to be the planner so if you agree to a plan and then only grumble a vague objection or slow roll it the day before after I’ve already put in all the legwork, then yeah, I’m not feeling so understanding now.
If this only comes up in the context of activities, are you actually considering known variables? Like, my husband will never want to get up and on the road at 6AM for anything. So I would never plan an event that required this. No matter how many “sure’s” I got while mentioning the idea. The key to being the planner is also being the person who nails group dynamics and preferences.
It’s not just activities unfortunately. I feel like I am leaving room for preferences to change if new information becomes available, like if we’re considering a large purchase together l and then we see a negative review in consumer reports, but if it’s not expressed directly, I have trouble mind-reading. To me, if I’m getting a bunch of “sures” to a reasonable plan, then that’s a yes.
Then see above, this is someone who will blow up your life one day. Get to counseling if married and seriously reconsider the relationship or your dynamic if you’re not.
Do you call him on it? I’ve had this dynamic, and I both called him on it in the moment and the next time I was making plans I’ve said, “If you’re agreeing to this, please actually agree to it. If you start complaining or dragging your feet because you can’t speak up, then it’s going to start being a real problem.”
And if it does start to become a real problem, then you can break up, etc.
Flashbacks to wedding planning.
Me: twists myself into knots to please everyone.
Five months later: someone hurls a monkey wrench into the works because they “just didn’t think” of something “super important” and of course “you’re not a Bridezilla so you can accommodate.”
ROAR.
Oh, I can’t stand people like this! Have you talked to him about how frustrating this kind of behavior is? Does he care at all?
Oh I break up with people
Like this. I would absolutely insist on going. How else will he learn for next time to be a big boy instead of a whiny manipulative jerk?
I would assume that this is the grumpy I don’t want to wake up at 5 am on my day off tomorrow person talking and not my rational, sweet-if-passive partner talking. It’s annoying in the moment but people are allowed to be monetarily annoying sometimes. As long as he wasn’t mopey on the day of (except for some early morning grumpiness) I wouldn’t worry about it.
I am the planner in the relationship and even I get grumpy the night before my 6 am drive/flight. I KNOW it’s best to get an early start, I WANT to get an early start, I’m EXCITED about the stuff we’re doing. But the night before, my inner 4 year old is whining pretty hard. Just let me be cranky in peace.
There is a big difference between social anxiety (as event gets closer, I’m dreading X or Y and might be tempted to pull out) and someone who regularly goes along initially and then sabotages later by inserting information not previously given (I don’t really like X or we can’t do X because I feel Y). When it’s happening beyond activity planning, it’s a sign of trouble. The passive partner needs to learn how to communicate better.
Honestly, I would leave him at home to do whatever he wants to do. Yes, these things are more fun with a partner, but I’ve been single for long stretches of my adult life and I am fine with doing things alone. I am not changing my fun plans with friends because someone is inarticulate and grumpy the day before.
An update from the past. I posted a few months ago about having a musty new hire in a new office space. Well, several odor remover and unscented febreeze canisters later, I am pretty sure it’s not the office space but the person in it. Is there any way to say that to him? No, right? If it was actual B.O., I think I could maybe try to bring it up but this is just one of those musty not-fresh smells. It really ruins my mood though and TBH a makes me just super annoyed at this person. We don’t have an HR dept for this kind of stuff.
Not so helpful, but funny story. When I was in grad school a fellow student used a topical muscle relief that smelled pretty bad to my American nose. It actually caused the mice some people in the lab worked with to stop mating. So the lab manager told her she had to shower it off before she entered the mouse room. Problem solved for mouse and (wo)man.
That is very funny — those poor mice.
My late cat liked to assess the scent of all human products and would go out of his way to avoid the ones he really disliked. There are certain things I still avoid now (certain hand soaps, paraffin candles, can’t think what else but it occurs to me in the moment sometimes).
Sounds like the real issue here is the office set up; y’all are sharing way too much air!
My best guesses as to the source of the odor are (a) one of those horrid front loader wash machines that transmits moldy wash machine odors onto all the clothes if someone so much as leaves the door closed, or (b) a musty human odor that can come with medical issues and is different from BO and can be harder to do anything about.
Front loaders often make clothes smell gross.
Right, no way to say anything.
A long time ago I asked this group if there way any way to bring up one of my colleagues horrible breath. The advice was a resounding no. I took the advice, and worked with the leadership team to get a dental allowance for everyone (company pays directly for dental care up to $1k since insurance doesn’t cover it). We did that, announced it, and stopped thinking about how we could “fix” this problem.
To be honest, once we decided we would not say anything at all, it because less intrusive/annoying. For me it’s often the internal struggle of figuring out what to do about something that is more effort than the actual something. So hopefully once you concede that this really isn’t something you can do or say anything about, you’ll find that it takes up less mental space and annoys you less.
Why not treat it as actual BO?
I think it’s because most forms of BO aren’t addressed by hygiene (just the one most common kind that most people can recognize).
I feel like saying “you often smell musty, do you have a front loading washing machine. I hear those can be problematic” is actually easier than saying “you smell like BO. You need to shower and wear deodorant.”
OP here. I guess I really can’t say either. I don’t think it’s a washing machine issue. He wears a suit most days. I think it’s just him/his stuff. We have adjoining offices in a large office suite. The smell often – but not always – hits me when I walk in. Maybe I can just passively say something in passing about how it’s too bad we don’t have windows that we can open because the space smells musty? And then just leave it. I don’t know that it’s a medical condition so much as a man who doesn’t clean his clothes as regularly as he should. The prior person in this role wore way too much perfume and I would take that in a heartbeat now over this smell.
I don’t think you should make a passive-aggressive remark about wishing you had windows. Even in the best case scenario, this likely flies right over your colleague’s head.
Inadequate ventilation magnifies odors, whether it’s mustiness or perfumes. Maybe HVAC needs adjusting.
It’s probably that he’s using a bad dry cleaner. One that uses dirty fluid will make clothes stink. Any chance of getting a new service for the employees that will pickup from the office?
I, too, have a sensitive sniffer. I’m a perfumer so that’s the good side. But having a sensitive sense of smell is most often more of a curse than a blessing.
I don’t have great advice for you other than to say that everything and everyone smells like something. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do about your coworker’s smell. So you have to work on you.
Is there something you can sniff that makes you feel better when you catch a whiff of an unpleasant odor? I like to smell my wrist for this, but maybe a candle you like?
I used to have a boss who wore suits and smelled awful… I’m not sure if she wasn’t drycleaning them enough or if they were past the point where the smell could be drycleaned out of them.
Is there a way to ask for a deep clean of the office from HR, so that everyone in the area knows that cleaning ladies will be coming in?
Or maybe gift him one of those air-cleaning plants that helps with smells?
The other thing you could do is, if you know you’re going to see him, grab a cup of mint tea or strong coffee so you have something else to smell.
I’d get a couple scentless “smells begone” odor absorbers (or activated charcoal) for your office; it might help a bit.
I have two washable silk blouses from Amour Vert. They have cap sleeves. I love the prints. I love the washable silk. But I’m not wearing them because they are both too wide and too long. It’s just a lot of fabric to tuck in (and we don’t wear skinnies anymore in warm weather where length was a blessing). Would it be possible to have a tailor both hem it so I can leave it untucked with an even hem or tuck in AND to narrow the sides a bit (but I still need width around my giant hips and because I’m a pear with no chest)? Or just donate because it’s just too much to expect from a garment? I got this size because with my hips, the smaller size was too snug at my widest part.
I spent some time this weekend looking at YouTube videos for “French tuck tricks”. You will find there are a lot of easy and unfussy ways to style those shirts in a contemporary way.
It is probably doable, assuming it has a seam on each side that can be taken in at the waist, but it might cost more than you want to pay; thin fabrics like silk can be fussy to sew. Still, I think it is worth getting a price quote. You aren’t wearing the tops now, so you don’t have much to lose.
It depends on the details, but that sounds like a simple alteration.
I love Amour Vert washable silk (wearing one today, in fact) and would be happy to buy these from you if they are my size. If you are interested, post a burner email?
That should be doable — narrowing side seams is something I do regularly, along with hemming. I can sew at that level, but not much more.
This won’t help you for these tops, but I also have large hips. A regular alternation I do on tops is to open up the side seams from the hem up to add vents, so the top can fit over my hips better. That sometimes let me buy the smaller size that fits better through my shoulders/chest.
This is a very do-able and simple alteration. If you’ll keep wearing them if they were altered, then just take them in.
A family member went on a sleeping med (Ambien) to help with sleeping during a tough time. That was maybe 20 years ago? Since then, he has tried to taper down and get off of it, to no avail. Life keeps throwing tough times at all of us, especially as we and our parents age. At any rate, it has sort of wrecked his health — regularly overeats after taking it to the point where he is now obese (making exercise hard), has sleep apnea (so is still tired, making exercise hard), joint hurt (making exercise hard). It’s just such a vicious cycle that he can’t dig out of. IDK how to support someone who really want to change, really needs to change, and really can’t get out of this. Is there a “sleep and detox” type of place that can address what are some legitimate chronic medical issues all originating (IMO) from starting a sleep med that he can’t seem to get off of? I’m just a bystander and I can’t do it for him, but would help support. [And he is nearing retirement age, so the excuse of having a job to go to in the morning is about to all go away as a concern. One concern I have is that he goes to cook some day on Ambien and leaves a burner on or does something with a worse downside than gaining even more weight.]
He needs to talk to an addiction specialist who can refer him to the appropriate resources. Ambien addiction is a tricky one so he might need an in-patient rehab facility but only a doctor can advise him on that.
But also I will say from painful personal experience with a family member I loved, the person who spends years “trying to cut down” but does not talk to a doctor for fear of losing access, does not really want to stop. And only someone who really wants to stop can.
+100000
But do people do this? I know people who’d never want to get flagged with an addiction label. It is so stigmatized. And they also worry they could never get meds again if they needed them (like in a hospital setting).
I wouldn’t. Is he even really addicted or does he just have untreated sleep issues that return when he tries to quit and make the withdrawal intolerable since he’s developed some tolerance over time? Because regular sleep medicine doctors have bridge meds to help people sleep while quitting Ambien.
OP here — IDK. It could be that he needs a sleep specialist, but my guess is that it’s a process they have (vs one visit & you get the Rx that actually works and fixes the problem) and he is just so afraid of the unknown. Like they’ll take his meds, he will withdraw poorly, he will be forced onto a CPAP that won’t work, etc. So much fear and anxiety and shame that it’s a barrier to getting good medical care.
Sounds like some CBT might help? If he’s retiring soon, maybe he’ll be able to handle withdrawal with a supportive medical team on his side to provide symptom management meds. If CPAP doesn’t work, they move on to the next thing, whether it’s a BiPAP or a dental appliance or whatever is most relevant to his symptoms.
If he actually wants off the meds, then them taking the meds is the goal!
There are sleep medicine clinics run by sleep neurologists. Sleep apnea always needs to be treated (not sure if it’s already being treated).
I don’t understand if he’s been trying to taper down and get off it on its own or while working with a doctor. When he tries to stop taking it, what happens?
I unfortunately have had two friends have quite severe, long-term Ambien addictions. One even had a psychotic break because she was taking Ambien during the day, and it was making her completely addled.
All that to say–it’s a really, highly addictive Schedule I drug, and I believe a normal rehab would have experience with ambien detox. That said, the only addiction recovery that will stick is one where the addict believes there’s a problem and also wants to change. Are both of those true?
I think that initially, he wanted to taper to get off of it because “it was making him fat.” Truth be told, I think he was so stressed that he wouldn’t take it and go straight to bed (per the directions) but would take it and then enjoy an hour or so of not being stressed out (but go on a food bender that he might or might not remember in the morning). He said his doctor wasn’t concerned about being on it so long, and that he (family member) more wanted to get off of it because of vanity. I didn’t realize the extent except when we’d have a summer family beach rental and each summer he’d be several sizes larger and then if he went out to the fridge after taking meds I could tell he was in a bit of an altered state (but so happy). Now, his day-to-day health is impacted because of his size and he still isn’t sleeping well (but is afraid he won’t sleep at all with it).
My heart breaks for him. I get that people need short-term crutches when emotional stress can impact sleep and the rest of their lives. But Ambien is the devil and I wish it would never be prescribed (or would have to be coupled with immediate weaning, especially when you can tell a patient is using it improperly).
I think it’s Schedule IV.
Correct.
Can you suggest a sleep specialist? They can sort out the apnea and navigate to specialists most familiar with ambien drawdown. That also might be more likely to get follow through than going with a substance abuse specialist directly (and won’t fix the underlying issue that started the whole mess).
This is what makes sense to me. And sleep medicine has changed over the past 20 years.
I mean, I’m not on Ambien but everything else there sounds like me. Don’t think Ambien is going to be a magic fix to his life.
Does he have a Sleep Doctor managing his ambien/sleep apnea/other sleep issues? They can be very hard to find and are super busy, but ask your and his PCP for recommendations and get on some waiting lists.
He should not be trying to just stop Ambien on his own, without a strategy.
And I worry, unfortunately, that his overeating behavior / weight issues is now may be a long standing problem separate from his ambien, and may need a multi-focal approach.
I’m morbidly obese and after several attempts at weight loss on my own, I asked my PCP for a GLP-1 and she prescribed Zepbound. I will get my medication later today and probably inject tomorrow am. Any tips or tricks that I should know?
If you might need to get a colonoscopy, my SIL had to stop her GLP1s after the prep didn’t clean her out enough for the scoping. She has since regained a significant amount of the weight she lost (I’m unclear on how long she needs to be off for). So if that procedure is in your future, my recommendation is to do it before you start GLP1s.
I’ve been on a GLP1 for 3 years and just had my first colonoscopy. Doc had me hold the meds for 12 days prior to prep day (I only inject every 14 now, so that wasn’t a challenge). It took 10 hours for the prep to work. I thought for sure I was going to be the first person ever for the cleanse not to work. But it all came out in 6 quick hours. Colonoscopy went off without a problem.
Probably good advice to get a screening scope first.
Doctors should know by now that GLP1s slow digestion, so much longer prep is needed.
Lots of people have slow digestion not from GLP1s and need colonoscopies anyway, so once somebody is on GLP1s, I don’t think that stopping it is the only option there. If it were, the rest of us with gastroparesis would never get our scopes.
I think all things being equal, do anything medical that’s on your radar and then start. Like a colonoscopy or anything with anesthesia. Less disruptive to you that way.
I had back surgery in January, and stopped my injections two weeks before and everything was fine. I didn’t turn into a pumpkin without it, I was just hungrier and tried to make good food choices. It is definitely a journey.
Zepbound has been a game changer for me and has resulted in both mental as well as physical changes. Drink lots of water. I chug at least 80 oz on most days. I’ve also found that eating some dried fruit helps, uh, move things along. Prioritize protein. I hope your journey is healthy and positive!
Check out the Reddit page. If you screen out the obvious idiots, it is full of useful information. Just remember that people with bad side effects post; people not having those issues do not. So don’t freak out.
Remember that weight loss as a percentage of original weight is the useful metric. Don’t compare yourself to the person who lost 10 pounds in a week if their starting weight is twice yours.
If you have nausea as a side effect, ask your doctor for anti-nausea medications. Also, get a bottle of magnesium oxide because you might need it.
Stop eating when you are full. DO NOT force yourself to keep eating.
Good luck!
I’ve been on a GLP-1 (first Wegovy, now Zepbound) for over a year. My suggestions
– Take it at night. You may sleep through any side effects you could have.
– Protein & water are your friend. I struggled in the early doses with nausea and vomiting. A shot day routine I developed was drinking a protein shake in the afternoon before my shot that evening, dramamine for nausea about an hour before my shot, and water with electrolytes (my fave brand is Ultima)
-Smaller, more frequent meals/snacks may help with side effects
Came back to mention one (seemingly) weird side-effect I had on Zepbound.
Background – I was on the highest dose of Wegovy for about 4 months before switching, so I switched to a (close to) equivalent dose of Zepbound, not one of the starter doses.
The day after my first shot, I woke up sore to the touch from like, the waist up. At first I thought I slept weird, but then I washed my face and it hurt to touch. Touching my arms/shoulders/etc, I felt a soreness like I was bruised all over or had gotten a really deep massage the day before. Reddit told me this has happened to other people. I took some advil and it helped. It subsided a lot by the next day and was gone after 2 days. I haven’t had a similar reaction since that first shot.
Congratulations on making this huge decision! I’m maintaining a 130lb weight loss using Zepbound. I was what they call a super responder (lost over 44% of my body weight).
Tips to help with the transition are: exercise from day 1 (including strength training). You don’t have to start Crossfit, just move. Drink lots of water. Have packets of Liquid IV handy to stay hydrated. There are days where you won’t want to eat, but you have to. Lean into protein shakes on the hard days. Monitor constipation closely. If it’s more than 3-4 days, take a Colace or something similar. Rotate your injection sites. Some made me more nauseous than others. If you’re tired, sleep. Days 2-3 after injection can be exhausting and you might feel like you have the flu. This gets better, or goes away, after some time. Join the Reddit for Zepbound and Mounjaro. There are thousands of people like us with lots of good tips and tricks.
Above all else, be kind to yourself. You didn’t get here overnight and it won’t happen overnight. Best of luck!
Take it at night and eat light the day you take your dose. You will be burpy, but your body adjusts.
Avoid alcohol, white things (bread, flour, carbs), high fat or fried foods (no chips, no fast food) and you will avoid more side effects AND lost weight faster.
As noted above–really important that you up your protein quite a bit from your previous eating. This means shakes, chicken breast, edamame, beans–whatever you like that’s high protein, make it a priority to eat it every day.
Definitely commit to walking a certain number of steps per week and also weight-lifting–you don’t want to waste your muscle off.
Keep your dose as low as possible as long as you are not gaining. Lower doses are easier to wean off of.
IME, you will be surprised at how genuinely disinterested you are in food after a while–the food noise doesn’t just quiet, it’s as if you don’t like any food. (Several times I walked into the grocery store for a weekly shop and absolutely nothing in the store appealed to me.) Make sure you are still eating limited portion, healthy meals, even if you’re not super-hungry.
You will have some odd side effects (fatigue, cold hands/feet, etc.) and you should just note them and ping your doctor about them if concerning.
Remember, slow and steady. It will be worth it! Good luck!
I was only on for four months, lost 20 lbs, and have kept all of it off, even without microdosing. Best money I spent in 2024.
When you’re actually eating do you enjoy food?
I may be the exception, but I really don’t enjoy food like I used to (it used to be like a hit or a high to be honest), and I was a real foody. Most of the time I can see that something tastes good, but the real enjoyment is not there, and sometimes have food aversions. But it is a small price to pay for the lack of food noise that was drowning out the rest of my life. My husband just started taking Wegovy a few months ago and doesn’t have these effects, just less appetite and a much smaller stomach capacity. I am down over 30% of my body weight in not quite a year on ZepBound with about 15 pounds to go to goal weight. Eat lots of fiber, it really does help with the constipation, as does lots of water. I supplement with fiber gummies most days. I agree with the previous poster that different injection sites have different levels of side effects. My thighs and the backs of my arms make for rough weeks so I rarely use them.
Not the above commenter, but yes. I don’t crave food or ever really feel like anything in particular, but do enjoy eating once I start. I just don’t think about food as much, get full faster, and otherwise had no negative side effects. I honestly wish there was just a pill I could take to feed myself so I didn’t have to grocery shop, cook, or figure out what to eat anymore.
I did! Sometimes I enjoyed it more because I could savor and enjoy a small portion.
Protein is your friend. Once I learned to add regular protein throughout the day, I have had no additional side effects. A handful of nuts, a slice of cheese or deli meat, peanut butter on an apple, or a protein drink or bar are easy ways to get into your diet during the weight loss phase. You may have no desire to eat at all, but will feel worse if you’re too empty — add a small protein based snack mid morning and mid afternoon, in addition to meals and it will help so much with avoiding nausea, fatigue and issues in the bathroom. I’ve been doing this for three years, two of which are just maintenance, and I am so happy with how I feel. Best of luck!
Drink lots of water. It takes away thirst too and you won’t realize it so be very intentional. Other than that I’d simply go slow. Don’t try and do all the things and lose all the weight immediately. Let it gradually start to work.
congrats on making this choice! i’ve been on a GLP one for way too long (I’m a slow loser but I’m still 30 lbs down).
If you’re graying and still covering the roots: how do you deal with brassiness showing up on the dyed grays? I have a substantial amount of gray (guessing at least 40-50 percent). My hairdresser is coloring my hair every four weeks, and I’ve been trying to match my natural level 5 brunette color.. Within a few weeks, the gray parts start fading and look very golden. It’s not a bad color, but I don’t think it looks good with my cool skin tone. IDK what to do. I don’t feel ready to stop dyeing, but between the roots coming in fast and the color not holding very well anymore, maybe I should consider it. But if I keep coloring, what’s the solution here to having brown hair without going unnaturally dark? Adding some lowlights?
Most people start adding highlights to counter this.
Yeah, I agree. I just see a lot of former brunettes walking around with hair that is clearly way too light for them. That’s what I’m hoping to avoid.
+1. Agreed that the too light look ain’t it.
DH’s former boss went from having my hair color, a medium brown, to gradually becoming platinum blonde over the past few years. It looks awful and completely washes out her complexion. If I ever get to the point of considering that, I NEED to grow out my gray.
have you tried a purple shampoo and conditioner? that helps with brassiness in general. you could also try a cool brown toner or color depositing conditioner (like ash blond), but maybe check with your hairdresser to make sure this won’t interfere with the dying.
+1 to purple shampoo – try Clairol Shimmer Lights. Cheap and effective.
+1
Purple for the win.
You don’t even need to use it for every wash/conditioning.
Highlights. And possibly going lighter overall. There’s a reason so many women go blonder over time- the gray roots blend in better and dark hair might be too stark as your complexion changes. I’m in my early 30s and already moved to a lighter color. It’s just too hard to camouflage my grays against dark brown, even though I don’t have a ton of them.
Talk with your colorist about it before doing anything on your own. She may need to use stronger developer when coloring your hair. This is common, because gray hair is frequently more resistant to processing. You may also want to use a color-depositing conditioner between appointments, but talk with your colorist about options.
When you see people who color their hair and it looks really dark and flat, they are usually coloring everything, root to tips, every time. That flat, unnatural look is color buildup. Since you are getting color done professionally, that’s not likely to happen. Colorists apply the color to the roots only, and run it through to the tips towards the end of the processing time.
A few other thoughts:
– Are you using a sulfate-free shampoo? If not, you may want to try one, as they are less likely to strip color
– Do you swim? If so, are you doing anything to protect your hair?
It could be your shampoo and conditioner. I noticed a significant difference in color fade when I started using Color Wow. I also stopped using heavier hair masks, which I thought I needed because the texture of my hair had also changed. Don’t mistake texture change for unhealthy hair. Ask your stylist to recommend a gentler shampoo and conditioner that’s less likely to fade color.
I’m already using a color-safe shampoo and conditioner. I think my grays are just really stubborn.
I’m a natural brunette with red highlights and I’ve had to adjust the color we’re using to more of an ashy brown to counter this issue. My golden blonde mother also went ‘ashy blonde’ as she aged, it’s just the easiest way to deal with grays. In addition to a cooler color my stylist now paints in some highlights as he’s finishing up to help blend things together more.
My pixie cut is too short for highlights. My hair is at least 90% gray. I get my roots done with my haircut every 4 weeks. My stylist pulls the color through, which takes away the brassiness.
You could try a purple shampoo.
This is helpful. I have a bixie that is long enough for highlights on top, but I don’t love the contrast against the darker bottom (which would look stripey and weird with highlights).
12:41 here. Interestingly, my grays don’t take the color evenly so it ends up looking like I have highlights even though it’s just an all-over medium cool brown color (my natural color is dark brown). People claim to be surprised when they find out 1) that I don’t get highlights and 2) that it’s actually all gray.
Goldwell dye works very well for my hair. My hairdresser uses the neutral color to lower the brassy ness of it and uses a gloss for the ends.
I highly recommend going to a hairdresser that uses Goldwell.
I’m a level 3 that I color every 3 weeks — process for 50 minutes. I’ve started adding some highlights but I don’t want to go really light either. When I say highlights, it’s chocolate brown on very dark brown. And they’re in the back because I hate the really light strips in the front. Lowlights might help you. Looking up photos of what I liked helped me figure it out.
Any experience with USAJOBs? I’m a fed and applied for a position in my office. I answered NO to a qualifying question that was poorly worded and confusing. As a result, my application was disqualified and none of my 20 years of experience are being taken into consideration. I’ve never had this experience and my supervisors are trying their best to contest it, but HR will not budge. Do I have any options?
Apply again with the right answer?
I had something similar happen and they actually had to re-post the job for me to apply. The system is really strict I think.
If no one qualified/who they want to hire made it through the screening, they can cancel the solicitation and repost. But you answered how you answered. There is no way they can consider you for this posting
Aging parent advice: How do you handle an aging parent who is private about their health issues and those issues are beginning to impact their life and your relationship? My mother, who is incredibly stoic, recently disclosed that she had a broken back when I noticed her shifting her weight and standing awkwardly after getting off of a short flight. She said that she had lost 3 in of height. I asked if she wanted me to accompany her to any appointments and she declined. She is also becoming increasingly forgetful and drinks excessively, which may be related (e.g., consuming 2 bottles of wine over 3 nights). She will mention the same thing to me, such as asking whether I have been to the new Zara, every time we interact. We recently had a very tough and emotional conversation over coffee in the morning about a memorial for my long deceased dad at his 55th college reunion and whether my kids would go. Two weeks later, she emailed asking if I want to discuss whether my kids are going. I no longer call or text after 5pm because I know she will have been drinking. I have drawn other boundaries to protect my own sanity.
I do not believe that she is being truthful with her care providers. She has a Rx for ambien, even with the alcohol consumption. She insists that she is fine cognitively, and she will not let us attend any appointments with her. I am the local child. Is this a live and let go situation? She drives and volunteers in the community. It feels like I am waiting for something bad to happen before I can intervene. Any resources or advice?
It sounds like she needs to see a neurologist asap. My best friend is going through almost precisely this with his mother. It is unpleasant, but you have a duty to help care for her. Make the appointments. Pick her up and take her there – don’t tell her before you arrive, if necessary. She will be pissed. She will maybe cry, strike you, try to refuse to depart the car (as my friend’s mother did). Ultimately, my friend discovered his mother has early onset Alzheimer’s, so it was a blessing that he did what he took to get her to a doctor.
You cannot control other people. Repeat after me. You cannot control other people. You get to decide what you will do to help her if and when it’s necessary. That most likely will look like financial support if you choose to provide it. Look at your own bandwidth and situation and plan accordingly.
This +1000.
I know it is hard (believe me I know it is hard) but legally-competent adults get to make their own decisions, even when those decisions are objectively not in their own best interests.
Also, picking a competent adult up in your car and taking them someplace they do not want to be is kidnapping. And a health care provider cannot treat someone without their consent. If OP thinks her mother is not legally competent, there are channels for that but it does not sound like that is the situation. I am reminded of a family member whose kids took his car keys; he promptly called the police and reported them for theft. They were lucky to avoid being charged but the police made them give the keys back and told them they would go to jail if it happened again.
Yeah, it’s one thing to take the keys in the moment from an inebriated parent attempting to get behind the wheel, or to call the police if you know they are currently driving under the influence, but you can’t just steal the keys long-term.
I absolutely do not use legal competence and adult age as the bar for whether I’m going to try to influence another adult’s decisions and cannot imagine living this way.
Influence or control? Those are different, but your response makes me question whether you observe a distinction.
OMG you’re that mother in law everyone always writes in complaining about!
There are whole threads here regularly about getting adult children to make good decisions, getting spouses to see healthcare providers when they need to, and yes even getting parents to make plans that will keep them off the streets.
Influence away! You can try to convince your spouse, adult children, friends and parents to do whatever you think is in their best interests. But you cannot force them to listen. You cannot impose your will on them (assuming there is not a court order that they are not competent). And you cannot make yourself crazy or blame yourself if your efforts are not successful.
This is all well and good until it leaves an ailing, ill person suffering–or worse. The rules change a bit as our loved ones age, and obligations shift, and complicated health factors come into the mix.
Right. I’m in the thick of it. That’s why I said you get to decide what support you will provide. But you don’t get to make decisions for your parents until they invite you to. Your best bet is planning for financial support because that is really what’s needed in most of these scenarios.
It is still almost impossible to get elder loved ones to do things to take care of themselves if they don’t want to do them. I am going through this with my parents and went through it with my late FIL. They ARE suffering, and needlessly from my perspective, but there is only so much I can control without their consent. My therapist pointed out that taking care of elders can be like taking care of toddlers, and this really resonated with me: sometimes you are trying to figure out the mind games that will work to get them to do the things that are best for them.
So Anon, in your specific situation, I wonder if Al Anon would be helpful? I also know from your past posts how difficult your mom can be, and I encourage you to err on the side of protecting your sanity.
Healthcare providers can’t talk to us about their patients, but we can talk to them.
In her city, is there a department or agency focused on aging? My city has one; they have guidance and resources for people in your situation with good information about when and how to be involved.
There is no magic bullet, especially when the aging person is basically just making bad decisions but is not cognitively impaired. Just knowing what behaviors are normal and where to insert yourself is empowering, though.
Before anyone suggests you call her doctor and tell him of your concerns, be sure you are prepared for the doctor to tell your mom, “Your daughter Anon called and says X, Y and Z. See, here are my notes from that call.” Maybe that’s fine, but just be aware that her doctor has no obligation to be discreet.
So? She’ll forget it anyways.
That is not at all how I interpret this post. Mother is not disappearing facts from her brain, particularly something as important as learning that there was what she might consider an invasion by her daughter, she is repeating mundane conversations. I’m not saying it’s nothing, but it does not sound like Mom is imminently incompetent and should be treated as already incompetent as a result.
Agreed. I would raise this with my mom’s doctor but you should also tell your mom that you’re going to talk to her doctor and why.
Just an anecdote and based on a specific person, but my father does not like to talk about these things with me directly, but is very happy to have me talk to his doctors and gives them permission to talk to me. Jury is still out on whether this is because he really is too sensitive about it or whether this is just burden-shifting and enabling keeping himself in the dark, but it is what it is and if I want to participate, this is how it is going to be. Sometimes I opt out, sometimes I do not.
This. It doesn’t have to be a secret thing. It’s okay to say that you’re worried enough that you want to make sure the doctor has heard your concerns even if you won’t be accompanying her to the appointment in person.
In general, sometimes people have conflicting feelings about being fretted over and will object to it if it happens and also feel bad if it doesn’t happen both.
Late to the party, but make sure that SOMEONE is assigned as her healthcare POA, whether it’s you or someone closer. That person should be given access to her medical records. In case she does have dementia it’s best to get that done asap.
If she will agree to that. I know people keep saying this, but you cannot “make sure” someone else does something. You can ask, you can encourage, you can beg and rage and plead. By people get to go to hell in their own ways and we can no more enforce our wills on our elderly parents than they could do it to us in our 20s when we were making what they thought were foolish choices.
My black Birkenstock Gizehs have been workhorses for me, but I’m feeling like they’re dated, and I’m starting to want something with more cushion. What’s a comparable – good arch support, comfy, presentable, and more current choice?
There are tons of original style birkenstock sandals made by other brands with more cushion, maybe try those?
Like these
https://shopmashburn.com/collections/ann-mashburn-sandals/products/ann-mashburn-double-buckle-platform-slide-silver-leather-s76693
Birkenstock Big Buckle Arizonas with the soft footbed.
Get one of the Birks with a soft footbed. I love them so much more than the original footbed.
Same, the original footbed is too hard – soft footbed works great.
I mean, you committed to wearing birks. Understand that they are never going to be a fashionable choice and own your priority of comfort.
They’ve actually been a fashion choice recently.
+1. Birkenstocks aren’t fashionable or current, period. Certain styles are less ugly but they’re still on the ugliness spectrum.
What rock have you been living under?
I feel like they aren’t as trendy as they were a couple years ago, but they’re still a perfectly good choice for fashionable people.
Vogue begs to differ
https://www.vogue.com/article/dakota-johnsons-birkenstocks-are-the-antidote-to-a-summer-of-dollar690-flip-flops
Ummm…. I don’t think Vogue is saying this look is “fashion”. That’s my “It’s Saturday, not working, not seeing anyone, look-like-I rolled-out-of-bed-in-college” look.
What do you think about Taos as a non-ugly alternative?
https://taosfootwear.com/collections/sandals/products/big-time
Those are way uglier than Birks.
I like vionic sandals. The arch support is unbeatable and they’re always coming out with new styles.
I’m looking for a backpack with laptop sleeve to replace my work tote, but it needs to accommodate a larger 16″ laptop. The Bagallini Soho looks like it might work. Anyone have first hand experience with this backpack? I’m also open to other (more stylish options).
The Tumi Celina is very popular for this. 16″ is the max laptop capacity.
I recently bought the Knomo Beaufort backpack at the recommendation of this board. Huge fan. Luggage sleeve + enough pockets inside to keep things separate. Padded straps also.
Yep, I used this bag for a long time then replaced it with an LLBean one that I frankly like a lot better. Pros- looks sleek, cons- oddly weighted & limited capacity.
I’ve had tge Everlane Transit backpack for almost five years and it looks brand new. It also has a luggage sleeve, and I love that it’s nice and light.