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Updated: May 12, 2021 257 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Cap-Sleeve Twist-Front Fit-and-Flare Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | · ·

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Lands’ End is a great source for well-made basics. This cap-sleeve dress would be a great wardrobe addition for the summer.

I like that the fabric has a little touch of stretch and a great shape without being too clingy. A black dress is always a classic, but it also comes in navy, olive, and four great patterns.

The dress is $35.97 (marked down from $59.95) and available in regular sizes XS–XL, petite sizes XS–XL, tall sizes S–XL, and plus sizes 1X–3X.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. anon for this

    My parents have finally divorced. The Reader’s Digest Abridged version is that Mom cheated on Dad after forty years of marriage and then filed for divorce. Now, the divorce is final, but she won’t stop calling him and pestering him with various questions about the house or their former joint checking account. He’s asked for no contact from her, but she won’t stop texting and calling him or sending messages to him through my brother. Should I discuss this with her? What’s a good script here?

    • Anon

      Refuse to give him messages for her. “Sorry mom, I can’t do that.” Repeat ad nauseam. Don’t get involved in their communication that doesn’t involve you.

      • Ellen

        Yes, she was the one who cheated on him, so he is right to break off contact with her. She probably thought that she would do better with another man, but since no one has stepped up to support her, she is back trying to get back with her original hubby. But he clearly is right in wanting no part of her, as he may be worried about who else she has been sleeping with. Notwithstanding their long-standing marriage, it is over now, and he does not want to go back with someone untrustworthy, and he too wants his freedom to spread his wings with other women. I’d tell your mom to forget putting you in the middle, and have your dad block her on his iPhone.

    • Monday

      Can’t your dad just block her as a contact? Can’t your brother refuse to relay messages for her?

    • Anonymous

      Oh no no no. Not your circus not your monkeys. Your script is “mom I will not pass any messages to dad.” And then don’t. And if dad complains “dad I’m not going to listen to complaints about mom.”

      • No Face

        Yep. You have separate relationships with each of them. The relationship between them is not something you should be involved in, for your sake and theirs.

    • Anon

      Agreed with the others. I note you mention she is passing messages through your brother, not you. The only reason I could see potentially getting involved would be if he is a minor and needs a third party adult perspective (you) to assure him/stand up for him that he should not be involved in any of this back and forth. But if your parents had been married for 40 years I’m guessing that’s not the case and he’s a grown adult that can figure out his own boundaries.

    • Anonymous

      Stay out of the whole thing. Also don’t assume your dad is the saint in this. No one really knows what’s up but the two of them.

    • Clementine

      I mean, probably not the most mature thing I’ve done, but after having one direct conversation, I have quietly said, ‘I’m not discussing this – I am Switzerland.’, when they start discussing the topic I literally just use shorthand and say, ‘Switzerland, remember?’ and then I change the topic.

      It’s honestly exhausting to be in the middle and I tend to use humor to diffuse the (usually very tense) situation.

      • Vicky Austin

        I think this actually might be super effective with people who would get their backs up about other tactics no matter how politely delivered. I can see this working really well with my mom, who views “I’m not discussing this with you” as an invitation.

    • anon

      Echoing the advice to stay out of it. But, I come from a family where that is not really possible unless you go completely no contact (good with all or nothing boundaries). What I will say is that the Psychology in Seattle youtube videos of 90 day fiance (just give it a go) often provide good scripts for how you could help your parents not just ruminate and move the conversation forward. It sounds like a silly but because so many of the conversations on the show are dysfunctional, the psychologist can riff on them and point out what’s going on.

      • Anonymous

        Could go no-contact just for a little while. Come back when things have cooled off with them. This is a transition period for everyone in OP’s situation.

  2. anon

    I just bought this dress in green and navy. The green is truly washed out and will be going back. The navy I will keep but want to shorten the hem. At 5’7″ the hem hits me just below the knee, which is an awkward length for me.
    Boden has a similar style with a slightly fuller skirt. See the Amelie Jersey dress.
    I bought this dress for casual wearing, though I suppose with a smart jacket and the right shoes it would work for a casual office.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for this! I used to get work dresses from Lands End at the recommendation of this s i t e. They always seemed to require tailoring (length, as you mentioned, and also taken up at the shoulder) and they pilled kind of quickly compared to other jersey dresses I’ve had. I can’t justify the inconvenience of a trip to the tailor for a casual-leaning dress that won’t last that long.

    • Elodie

      Thanks for reporting! How is the waist height? I have two of their versions of this dress from about 5 years ago that I LOVE, but then about 3 years ago they moved the waist up an inch or two and it looked ridiculous on me. (The length I liked was back neck to waist of 13″. I’m a long waisted 5’5″).

    • Anon

      Thanks for this feedback. Good to know. I like the longer knee length, and Boden seems shorter per the description. I also like Boden’s short sleeve and colors compared to Lands end’s cap sleeve.

    • anon

      OP here. I picked this style of dress because the waist wasn’t terribly long. I have a shorter distance between my bust and waist and the dress fits very nicely on me. It also fits well over my busty double D chest.
      Yes the hemming is a pain, but I think it will make the dress ‘perfect’ for me.
      I used to Land’s End classic sleeveless ponte dresses to work but I don’t see those being offered this spring. Alas. I was planning on buying a few for when I have to go to the office.

    • Anon

      The Patagonia Bandha dress is another similar one that is great! I have several colors of the longer version that’s no longer available (check Poshmark) and it’s wonderfully versatile.
      The shorter length hits just above the knee and is, I believe, still available.

  3. SSJD

    For anyone seeking a nice gift (or self-splurge) in the $200 range, Saks has some beautiful Janavi scarves (cashmere, wool, silk) marked down significantly. I just sent one to my sister-in-law for her birthday. Wish I had excuses to buy more. They look gorgeous and very luxurious. Plus some of them feel like quite a deal.

  4. AIMS

    Do hair and nail vitamins actually do anything? I feel like my hair is just not as good as it used to be. Maybe this is inevitable as I get older but I’m not quite ready to give up yet. Any experiences?

    • Anon

      I’ve never taken a vitamin specifically intended for hair or nails but I do feel like prenatal vitamins made my hair thicker and shinier (until the baby was born and it all fell out, sadface).

      • Anon

        +1 my hair in our newborn photo sessions is glorious. It did not last.
        I don’t know if that’s just the prenatal vitamins though, I think it’s something to do with the biology of being pregnant. Otherwise I need to run out and get those vitamins again, stat :)

        • Anon

          I started the vitamins 6 months before becoming pregnant and noticed the better hair and nails pretty much immediately. But pregnancy definitely has an effect too.

          • Anon

            +1. During pregnancy, all of the hair that normally falls out every day stays on your head because it’s in a different growth cycle. So when you’re no longer pregnant and your hormones start to stabilize a few months after birth, you’ve got ~9 months of hair that all gets shed in the same short timeframe.

            It’s not my favorite. I’m taking biotin, but our pediatrician recommended against Vital Proteins collagen supplement while I’m still nursing, so that’s it for me for now.

          • Anon

            Yep. It’s not the vitamins. And that is why you have massive hair loss after the baby is born.

      • Dear+Summer

        Another vote for prenatal vitamins! FYI, they also made for thicker body hair.

        • Curious

          And faster growing. Can someone please explain how my head hair can actually be FALLING OUT faster while my legs are so hairy?

          Pregnancy is weird.

          • busybee

            It’s largely progesterone. Lol I hate to break it to you all, but prenatal vitamins do not promote hair growth. You’re all having good hair during pregnancy because of pregnancy, again primarily due to progesterone and possibly prolactin.

          • Anon

            I’m the person who made the original comment, and I was on the vitamins for months before pregnancy and did notice a substantial effect from the vitamins alone. I agree pregnancy changes your hair for the better too, but that doesn’t mean the vitamins do nothing.

      • Vicky Austin

        Me, too. I actually figured it out after somebody posted about the same experience here.

      • Anon

        My doctor said this can happen when taking B vitamins in isolation (getting enough of one can create an imbalance with another; in my case, I get breakouts if I don’t get enough B3).

        • Anon

          I still broke out from a B complex, so I gave up. Thin hair and nice skin, it is.

    • Anonymous

      The only do something if the problem is caused by a deficiency in what they are providing. If you need biotin and they have it it will help. If your issue is due to some other deficiency, say a thyroid hormone, they won’t help.

      • Anon

        A lot of the symptoms of low thyroid in particular are worsened by the deficiencies it causes via its effects on digestion and absorption (especially if there are anti-parietal antibodies involved), so it’s technically possible for vitamins to help somewhat even if the underlying issue is thyroid. You’d still want to focus on the thyroid though! I just wouldn’t rule out the possibility of an endocrine problem just because vitamins seem to help.

    • Betsy

      A collagen supplement has helped my nails a ton. I use the Vital Proteins one and add it to my morning smoothie. I think it’s helped my hair a little too, but not as noticeably as my nails.

    • Anon

      If you’ve stopped or significantly decreased your bread/pasta/carb intake, your hair and nails will suffer. The vitamins in those foods are really important.

  5. Anon

    I need some short-sleeve blouses / elevated tees for work (business-casual). I have a short torso, so a petite size would be great. Prints / patterns / texture is great. Washable is a plus, prefer not to spend >$100. Polyester is OK. I hate button-ups (early arthritis).

    I need short-sleeves so I can wear while getting allergy shots (without disrobing) but hate sleeveless for a variety of reasons. I find so many things with long sleeves, but often I can’t roll up far enough for shots.

  6. Anonymous

    I need advice or stories on how to lean out. I just made partner at an eat what you kill firm and I am letting myself get dragged into many debates about non billable things. I did a lot of work for the firm as a salaried of counsel, so I think both the firm and I are having a tough transition. Suggestions?

    • Anonymous

      Can you give us some background on the kinds of non-billable things at issue? My advice is different if it’s 1) other partners trying to make you manage their clients vs 2) firm management that everyone has to share in but maybe they’re trying to make you do more because you’re the most junior/a woman vs 3) non-billable stuff for your own clients vs 4) client development that will help you vs 5) client development that will help the firm but not necessarily you.

      Broad strokes, if they’re trying to get you to do the same stuff for them that you did as an of counsel, delegate and tell them you’re delegating. “This is a great opportunity for an of counsel or senior associate, I recommend Jake or Phil.” You might want to work with Jake and Phil so they’re actually good at this work. Fwiw I’m struggling with this too and it’s just hard. Transitioning from being the go to associate to needing to look after my own book has been tough. At the end of the day, though, the only thing that really matters is my origination. When it comes time to reallocate partnership points, no one is going to be thinking about how many blog posts I did (or whatever).

    • Anonymous

      I go with one committee assignment a year. I actively participate in the committee so no one can say I am not a team player, and then use it as a shield against other committee assignments— the script is “I would love to help but X committee is really taking all my time this year.”

  7. Anon

    Anyone have some good recs for v-neck cardigans that are lightweight for late spring/summer (when we will likely be returning to the office)? Previously always got the JCrew Factory (rounded neck) cardigans and looking for something new.

  8. Anonymous

    Recommendations for pretty spring and summer loungewear? It looks like we’ll be WFH for a while and I’m tired of wearing black leggings and dark colors. I want whites and blushes, florals, and other happy colors and patterns. Would love to find something in that palette that is decidedly loungewear and not just PJs, if that makes sense. Where can I find such things?

  9. Anon today

    I need advice about my job situation. I started this job at the beginning of November, so it’s been almost 4 months. Since I started, 90% of my responsibilities are to make powerpoints for other people to present, which is listed in the job description as 10% of the duties. Twice, I’ve gotten a chance to work on other projects that are actually interesting and things I’d like to do, and both times I’ve been shifted off of those projects and back to making presentations, because “it would be better if you could focus on other things”. Guys, I’m so bored. Not to be cocky, but I’m kind of overqualified to be making powerpoints all day. What’s especially frustrating is that I sold myself to this organization with all of the connections and the network I’ve built in the area they serve, which they seemed really impressed with, and I’ve realized that I could have no idea about any of that and still do this job. I’ve had one performance review, and they told me they are very happy with my work (almost every category was “exceeds expectations”), so I asked about taking on more responsibilities within the job description, and I was basically told that I’m doing what they need me to do. I have another review coming up at the end of March – any advice for how to better express myself? Or is it a lost cause and I should start job searching? I love the organization’s cause, and the people are great, but I am SO BORED.

    • Anonymous

      You need to have a direct conversation with your supervisor, not just a fuzzy convo about wanting more responsibilities. “When I was hired, I was told that making PowerPoints would be just 10% of the duties, but it’s more like 90%. That concerns me because I’m not able to use the best skills that I bring to this job and frankly, I’m not being challenged. What can we do to change the ratio on this?” Then if they don’t help you out, you’ll know if you need to leave.

      • Ellen

        Not to quickly. We are in a pandemic and she needs to keep her job. Best if she is more passive until things settle down healthwise. Then she can assert herself and tell it like it is. We don’t need another ‘rette on the streets by our advice.

    • anon

      I’d look for other jobs now, while trying to get more responsibility within your organization. What if you stick it out for 2 years, and you’re still making power points? You’ll be interviewing without recent experience in anything but power points, and potential employers will wonder whether you’re inflating prior experience, or if there were other issues explaining why you only did power points at this job. At the same time, your network may be diminished because you haven’t had opportunities to maintain and develop it.

      • anon

        It’s not complaining — it’s addressing a bait & switch. I agree with the other commenters that she should bring it up while also looking elsewhere. I kept getting promised better work at my last boring job and guess what, it never came.

    • NYNY

      I would do several things concurrently in your position:

      1 – Try to expand the current assignments as they come. I can’t tell if you’re doing any research or content creation for the presentations, or just making someone else’s ideas pretty, but you could offer to do the research/writing if you aren’t already. And ask if you can assist with the presentation.

      2 – Before your performance review, bring up the discrepancy between the job description and what you’re doing in a 1:1 with your manager. Ask if this is temporary or long-term. If temporary, try to get more information on the conditions needed to start doing more.

      3 – Start looking. So if the current state becomes long-term, you’re ready to move.

  10. anon

    This dress is promising, and I’m tempted to get it in both black and navy.

    Since I’m placing an order anyway, I think it’s time for me to get on the LE swimsuit bandwagon. Any recommendations of favorites for a long-waisted pear?

    Also, I’m curious how many of you go with a print vs. solid color suit. I am always tempted by prints because the idea of a plain black suit in the summertime doesn’t excite me. But I wonder if I’m not doing myself any favors in the sophistication department. Is 40 too old to wear gingham or tropical flowers without looking matronly? I don’t need to be the height of fashion but I also don’t want to look hopelessly out of touch.

    • Cat

      LE tankinis are great for long-waisted pears! I’m usually a 29 in jeans, occasionally a 28, and get either an 8-10 in swim bottoms.

      I get the less-bold patterns (gingham, stripes, polka dots, more tile-inspired patterns). While plain black or navy would be my aethestic preference, I get *way* too hot in the sun in either of them. I do avoid their patterns that are mixes of pastels, though, as they scream “my 70 something MIL” who looks very nice but not the look I am going for.

    • Anon

      I get solid bottoms and then non-solid tops / rashguards. I have one set of navy-coordinating items and one set of black-coordinating items and yet another hot pink, all of which they seem to offer year after year. We live where it is so hot you want to just be at the pool in the afternoon / evening and since I am WFH and the pool has wifi, that was my office last summer. I found that my LE swimwear survived 10 years so far and nothing has popped out. I am a pear, but short-waisted, so I need the petite rashguards. I don’t get one-pieces though.

      • H13

        This is what I do too. I get solid bottoms (black and navy) and then a patterned top and swim shirt. I’ve also mixed their bottoms with a tops from Target. I personally feel quite cute in my swim skirt and everything has held up great.

        • Anon

          There was one year they had some vivid prints and I went to town — sort of like a mix of Lilly Pulitzer and great tropical wallpaper patterns. Some I cannot deal with, but they usually have a good navy print each year that reminds me of tiles.

        • Curious

          Hehe I am jealoue. This pear runs the other direction from swim skirts. They make my proportions look weird to me. Glad they work for someone!!!

          That said, land’s end tankinis are the best ever and the fabric is way more comfy than target swimsuits (which I do wear anyway). Like everyone else I mix and match :)

    • Anon

      I’m very longwaisted and I have a LE one-piece and I love it. It’s old so I don’t think they still sell the same style. Their swimsuits wear like iron. Mine is black, but I give you full permission to go wild with colours and patterns.

    • Anonymous

      You’re definitely not too old to wear whatever pattern you want! However I think the patterns at Lands End lean toward matronly. I love Trina Turk suits for super fun patterns that are more youthful. The retail prices are steep, but I got one last year for around $100 on sale at Nordstrom. I’m 37, a busty size 12 and their suits fit me well, though I sometimes size up to a 14. I also love Athleta’s suits for fit and comfort, especially while being active; I’m not embarrassed to run a little on the beach in an Athleta suit, and they’re my go tos for diving. The price point is a lot better and their patterns are reasonably cute if you just want something to mix it up.

      • anon

        Athleta is usually my go-to but I’m really not feeling their colors and prints this year. I’m also trying to get away from the sporty stuff because that’s literally all I own.

      • Anon

        What? They have TALLS as an option (also petites). My long-torso’d sister swears by LE.

  11. H13

    I would like to help my mom understand why it is not ok to comment on other people’s bodies even when she feels like she is paying a compliment. I feel like this is a shift that her generation has a hard time making (she’s in her late 70s). She just doesn’t get it. Any great articles or resources?

    • Anonymous

      Following with interest. I guess my question would be, does she care? Like does she want to know why this isn’t ok or is she feigning ignorance because she has already decided it’s ok and nothing will change her mind? Brought to you by the daughter of a woman who routinely gives backhanded compliments and refuses to acknowledge that backhanded compliments even exist.

      • anonshmanon

        right. I was recently trying to explain to an aunt and uncle how interrogating couples about family planning is not cool, but they brushed it off. I literally said ‘you can’t know if it’s going to be a painful question for someone’ and they literally replied ‘yeah, we would definitely know if it were a painful question’.

      • H13

        I think she does care. She asked for my input on something recently and I told her that I thought what she was planning on doing was passive aggressive and not funny as she hoped it would be which prompted the conversation. She is open to the conversation but, like with all of us, sometimes you have to hear it more than once and from different people. It’s just that her community is all late-70s women.
        Signed,
        A woman who is only told by her parents that she looks good if she is thin.

    • Anon

      I don’t think an article is going to help your Mom not comment on other people’s bodies – she’s your Mom not an academic. Just explain to her that times have changed and it’s rude now. She can think it, but don’t comment about it directly to them since it’s considered rude now. If she chooses not to follow that advice – well she’s made a choice. If you’re talking about weight or unchangeable things like height or hair texture, maybe be more specific and say it’s rude to talk about things people can’t change.

      That said, I think it fully depends on who she’s talking to and what she’s saying. The world is not so PC that you can’t compliment your friend on seeing the results of her intentional weight lifting, or telling someone their new ear piercing is beautiful, or that their hair or nails looks nice after they mention they just came from the salon.

      • Senior Attorney

        I think “times have changed and it’s rude now” is probably the best you can do. Maybe add “I know it seems weird to you but you will just have to trust me on this.”

      • Lilau

        I read this to mean a compliment on weight loss or being thin, which as I’m sure your mom knows can be caused by any number of negative things, from cancer to a traumatic experience to substance abuse. So it’s well meaning but can still be hurtful. Heck, after the midwife told me she was worried my baby was measuring small last week, it hurt a bit to hear how “tiny” I looked from a loved one who I know meant it as an absolute compliment. Heck, had I not been fretting about the baby already, I would have been flattered. So maybe that’s the flip side your mom needs to remember?

        Maybe I’m not the most progressive on this but “You look fabulous!” Or “red is such a pretty color on you!” Or “your hair is looks great!” Are all fine in my book.

    • Anon

      This is a losing battle for me and I don’t think my parents want to understand. Even when it’s behavior that’s very hurtful to me, they don’t care enough to change. No matter how many ways I try to deliver the message.

      • +1

        My mom is a lot younger, but we come from a culture that does this a ton. It’s a losing battle, so my response has been to respond (kindly) to her comments of “Wow, she is such a beautiful little girl!” with “She’s super smart and kind too! So sweet.” and to body-shaming comments similarly (“She’s so strong!”) or not engage.

        It sucks, but after having had these conversations, my mom just won’t change.

        • Anonymous

          Seriously?! You trying to shift her compliment to something more woke like that is rude, and I’d worry it could actually create awkwardness in the moment that could inadvertently end up making the child feel bad.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t. It is not your job to change your mom. Address comments to you and that’s it.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Your mom can make her own decisions. You can make YOUR own decisions about whether to be around her much.

      • Senior Attorney

        Talking out of both sides of my mouth, but I agree with this, too. Tell her ONCE that it’s rude now, and then let it go. If people think she’s rude, that’s on her.

    • H13

      Thank you for all the input. I think there is an opportunity to explain to her why it is considered rude or why it has changed. If she doesn’t get it, eh, fine. But I know that sometimes I read a great article or an author and it makes me rethink how I’ve said things. That is what I am looking for. And if she never reads it, oh well.

    • Anon

      Could you provide some context? If she is complementing people, I don’t understand why that would be rude. I’m in a pretty liberal bubble, but have never heard that before and would frankly just disregard it if someone told me it was rude to complement someone.

      • H13

        I think you are right–the context is important here. What prompted the conversation recently was her voicing annoyance at eating with a friend who eats sugar-/fat-/carb-free and it sounds like her friend draws attention to it. This friend’s birthday is coming up and my mom said that she and another friend were going to wrap up one lettuce leaf, one carrot stick, one stalk of celery, etc. and give it to her. I told her I thought that this was passive aggressive and drawing attention to something she finds annoying. She was receptive to the feedback and glad I shared. She was also going to discuss with her therapist why she had these feelings. I also said that I think people should refrain from commenting on other people’s bodies and eating habits and she replied, “But friend is thin!” It was clear to me she just didn’t get it. Bear in mind, my mom basically lives in a version of a summer camp/sorority row for the 70s+ set. It is actually comical.

        Note: I am all for the “great haircut!” etc. kind of compliments. I think commenting on thinness can get really tricky and should just be avoided.

        • Anonymous

          I’m with your mom here. She was just making a snarky comment to vent about someone’s obnoxious behavior. She didn’t actually say anything to her friend.

          I have a relative who is obnoxiously GF as a lifestyle choice. There is no medical reason. It is impossible to have a conversation with her in which she does not mention her GF lifestyle, no matter what the topic. When she eats at our house, she gets mad if I serve everyone something naturally GF; she prefers that I make something with gluten for everyone else plus something separate for her that is expensive and/or labor-intensive. My husband and our siblings absolutely vent to one another about her behavior.

        • anonshmanon

          Are you sure your mom isn’t secretly writing for SNL? They just had a skit about snarky/unkind bday gifts!

        • anon

          Your mom’s friend is annoying but good for you for calling out your mom’s gift idea. Gawd. That’s not passive-aggressive, that’s plain aggressive.

          • H13

            She still may do it. It remains to be seen. She said she was doing it with another person… who was a therapist.

          • Anonymous

            You really think they are actually going to give her the gift? I can’t believe they weren’t just joking around with each other.

        • Anon

          There are landmines even in the haircut comment. Very few know that the hair the are complimenting is a wig. I wear a wig because of medical issues that result in hair loss. When someone comments on my hair, I feel conspicuous and start doubting the sincerity of the compliment. I would much prefer no comments at all on my physical appearance.

  12. Carrots

    Any recommendations for either micro-fiber towels for drying hair or silk pillowcases? I’m seeing a lot of breakage and want to add those two things to my linen closet to see if it helps. TIA!

    • Anon

      I have tried a ton of pillowcases, from cheap poly satin to megabucks silk. Slip, Alaska Bear, Fishers, Yanibest, Ravmix, and Celestial Silk are some of the names. Basically I bought one of everything on Amazon and tried them all out.

      I am a washing-machine-only person. If something needs to be lovingly caressed with angel tears in a bucket–it’s not happening. I put all of them in oversized lingerie bags and washed them on delicate cycle.

      The silk felt nice the first couple of uses, but inevitably became rough after a few washes. You could probably argue that I didn’t treat them gently enough, but *shrug* too bad. I wear a lot of face product (including tretinoin) and hair product (CGM) and I want a thorough washing for cleanliness. They also yellowed quickly (I only bought white, I use white sheets) though it’s probable my hair and face products contributed. I did not have any trouble with fraying or holes.

      Since I use a new case every night, volume was my main goal. I ended up buying about ten of the Bedsure poly satin cases, which are on Amazon for about $10 for a set of two. They have retained color and texture the best over months of use. I will use the rest until they fall apart, but the Bedsure will be my repurchase.

      Two negatives: they aren’t kidding about satin being slippery. Sometimes when I sleep restless, the whole pillow squirts off the bed. And also, they are VERY line-dry only. Even tossing them in the dryer on light to get out the wrinkles will leave scorch marks.

    • Greensleeves

      I use the Fishers Finery silk pillowcase from Amazon. I wash and dry it with the rest of the bedding and it has stayed soft and smooth.

    • No Face

      I have a cheap satin pillowcase from Walmart that I bought 10 years ago. I dry my hair by “plopping” with one of my husband’s plain undershirts.

      Also, I do Aphogee 2 minute protein reconstructor from Sally Beauty once a month, followed by a deep conditioner. Helps with breakage and very cheap.

      • Anonymous

        +1 for a t-shirt for drying hair. I had to throw out several Aquis microfiber hair towels because they mildewed. 100% cotton t-shirts do not seem to have the same problem.

      • Dear+Summer

        +1 for the aphogee treatment. It’s truly the best product I have ever used for breakage.

    • Curly

      Blissy silk pillowcases. Get silk not satin, which is the type not the fabric content, and is often polyester.
      I like to use an old cotton undershirt for my curly hair as others have commented.

  13. Anon

    Looking for gift ideas for professional acquaintance/friend who went above and beyond to help me. He is about 60, married with grown kids and baby grandkid, sports fan, likes movies and Broadway shows, doesn’t drink or have a sweet tooth. I don’t think he’s much of a reader.

    • SSJD

      Coffee table book about a topic of interest or his sports team. Could also be about the city where he lives or Broadway shows. This is also a good situation for a gift box of pears or some fancy oil/vinegar combination. Harry and David probably have good options at various price points. If you want something more personal, you could get a business card holder.

    • RW

      Is there a restaurant he likes that you could do a gift card to? Tervis cup/mug in sport team is another option.

    • Ellen

      Get him a Netflix subscription. He will have plenty to watch and does not have to read.

  14. Anon

    Any recommendations for document scanning services? Looking for specific recommendations here, because there are definitely none local to me so we’ll have to ship boxes anyway. Also at least some of what we need to scan are very old carbon copies and I think they will need specialized attention. With a records retention policy of “forever” I really wish somebody at my org had thought about this 30 years ago.

    • Anon

      I wonder if this is something that would be good to send to an outsourcing place in India. Plenty of businesses there have decades worth of paper records, so it might be easier to find a service that is used to old/delicate/special documents. Sorry I don’t have a rec for a specific service. A long way to send the documents, but they could go via air freight and not FedEx to save money.

    • Anonymous

      Look for a litigation support firm, they do stuff like this routinely. If you post your area, someone can likely recommend one.

    • Anonymous

      So, two options. One is that we have a company Xerox contract; they put staff on site for things like this. Another is to look for an “e-discovery” litigation support vendor in your area. They can scan, number and upload files like this.

    • Anonymous

      Iron Mountain, but they are expensive. Not sure how gentle they are with specialized attention!

      • IL

        I have used Iron Mountain for this purpose for everything from newer documents to old documents (back to WWII stuff), oversized documents, blueprints, posters, bound material, etc. They handled it all and did a good job, but we weren’t on a tight budget.

        As I understand it, they are the default option for this kind of work for large corporations.

  15. Let's talk raincoats!

    It’s spring and with the downpours we’ve had lately, I realize I want a waterproof (not water resistant) trench length coat. Should I look at Patagonia and North Face or are there other recommendations here? Girl on the Go doesn’t work for me, I’ve tried. Thanks!

    • Notinstafamous

      I love love love the arcteryx mistaya. It’s goretex and has been indestructible in the PNW for… 7 years now?

      • Anon

        I have an Arcteryx rain coat but I got it on deep, deep sale. I live in an actual rain forest and there’s still no way I’m spending Arcteryx money on a rain coat.

        • anonie

          Those are incredible coats. But even on regular sale – twice the price of Patagonia!

    • relatively zen

      Strongly recommend North Face’s trenchcoat length waterproof jackets! Mine is the ideal light/transitional layer and easily fits sweaters under it if it is a little cold. I think mine might be an older style, but the one they have now with “City” in the name looks pretty similar.

      • Anon

        I have and love the REI Pike Street trench coat. I wear it on walks and light hiking in rain, but also with (business casual) work clothes. Sized to fit a sweater or light weight puffer underneath when chilly. Favorite of my several waterproof coats for PNW weather.

    • Anonymous

      If you want proper, thick real rain coat – Helly Hansen is great. Waterproof.

      For the less than cats&dogs days, Joules has lovely rain gear.

  16. Kelsey

    Piggybacking on the dog thread yesterday, I’m wondering about how many hours a workday would you feel comfortable keeping your fully grown dog in a crate per day? We have a young adult dog that sleeps most of the day and has a tendency to get into stuff and eat random stuff, so precovid she was crated about 6 hours on workdays. After covid, one of us will be working from home for at least 3 days a week but for 2 days, we will need to leave the dog at home. Probably in a crate for her own safety (she just sleeps when she’s in there because the dog bed in it is the same size and shape as her dog bed at nighttime. Do you think 6 hours is too long to be in a crate for those days? Other people I know have their dogs at home alone or even in their cars in our work garage for much longer than that so I didn’t think that 6 hours was too long, but open to opinions here.

    • Vicky Austin

      I don’t think 6 hours is too long, especially if it’s only 2 days a week.

    • Anon

      A dog can be crated for up to 8 hrs if it is an adult. A puppy must be let out every four to six hours because of an undeveloped bladder. It’s up to you if you’re comfortable crating for short or long periods, but so long as a dog has enough room to stand, turn around, and have a water bowl in the back without knocking it over, it’s fine for 8 hours (or up to the point it can hold it’s pee if shorter).

      If it bothers you to crate all day, most people I know crate trained at night and for short periods when they leave the house for errands to get the dog used to crates, then left the crate door open in a closed bathroom or laundry room during the day. Or spend the money to tire your dog out with doggy day care two days a week.

    • HW

      It sounds like she’s old enough that she shouldn’t need to be crated. I would either do daycare on days where you’re not home, or work on making the house safer so your dog doesn’t have to be crated and has space to move around. If she has nervous energy when left alone, can you have a dog walker take her out for a good walk halfway through the day?

    • CountC

      My adult/senior dogs are crated up to 8 hours during when needed. It’s been fine. They will happily sleep for 12 hours without a bathroom break when I am home.

    • Bonnie Kate

      I think that plan is totally fine. While I don’t crate my adult dog at all, I know firsthand that they work really well for some adult dogs. 6 hours a couple times a week isn’t a big deal.

    • AnonMPH

      6 hours will be fine. Even when we had a dog walker-pre covid, we would leave and put our dog in the crate at 8 or 8:30AM and then the dog walker would come between 2 and 3pm. Our dog was still a puppy/teenager, he’s a rescue so we don’t know his age but maybe 1 year? He loves his crate, and he was fine. He is now at the point where we can leave him for some time outside his crate, but he does still unpredictably chew on stuff at totally random times so if we’re going to be gone for a really long time we often just crate him so we don’t need to worry about it. He literally goes into his crate to sleep sometimes even while both of us are home all day, so I’m not worried that he’ll be sad about it. When he’s in there with the blanket on he just passes out.

    • Anonymous

      Do you have a space you could secure? Somehow gating a dog in a small laundry room feels better than a crate once they are beyond the puppy stage. Just my $.02. We crated our dog until 18 months or so but eventually upgraded him to being gated in the kitchen during the day.

      • Anon

        We did something similar pre-covid. Our dog never liked the crate so we put her in a pen that was enclosed in our living room. She had room to sleep in a couple different places and walk a bit. Once we knew she could handle that, we removed the pen and just gated off our living room so she had full reign of that but not the rest of the house.

        • Anon

          This is what we did, too. Now, I just close the doors to off-limits areas. She likes to be able to see out to the front and back yards, so I give her access to areas with both views, plus she has food, water, and toys. We don’t ever crate our girl, though. She is crate trained, but never really liked it. I know a lot of people do crate their dogs for that long, though. If you’re moving back to that from being home always, you might want to work up to it if you can.

    • Anon

      Zero hours. I don’t think it’s good to crate them while you’re gone. Set up a restricted area if you need to, but leave out water and let them move around.

  17. Cb

    If some sort of loan forgiveness happens, and I have direct sub, direct unsub, and direct unconsolidated student loans, which one is likely to be forgiven? Using my stimulus to make a payment but want to be slightly strategic.

    • Betsy

      If you have any PLUS loans I would think those are somewhat less likely to be included in forgiveness, but I would be shocked if there was a difference between sub and unsub.

    • AIMS

      I was wondering about something similar too. I’ve been wanting to refinance some loans because of how low rates are but wonder if it’s a bad idea now while we wait to see what happens.

      • AnonMPH

        I wouldn’t refinance right now since then you’d be completely outside of any program that happens. But we are still plowing money into ours. I’m assuming that at our income levels, it’s unlikely that we’d be eligible for much of any forgiveness, unless they just do the blanket 10k, and we’ll still have 10k left for a while.

        • pugsnbourbon

          That’s kind of how we’re looking at it, too. Mine are getting close to paid off but my wife still has a handful from grad school.

    • MagicUnicorn

      None of our student loans are accruing interest at the moment so I’m setting aside money in our interest-bearing account but have it earmarked to drop on the student loans when the interest does turn back on. Also hoping the loans are forgiven before then (although not optimistic that will really happen).

  18. Anonymous

    This is a gross TMI question, sorry… the toilets in our house suddenly all smell very bad. Nothing about our habits has changed and the toilets show no indications of being clogged, but the smell is… lingering. Does anyone have any idea why this might be happening and what to do, other than air freshner?

    • Curious

      The central pipe that helps them drain could be blocked. Happened to us in Chicago once after a big snow just overwhelmed all the sewers. Plumber figured it out pretty quickly. I hope you can figure it out!

    • pugsnbourbon

      Is it a sewer-type smell?
      It could be an issue with a dried-out p-trap, but if it’s in all the toilets it could be an issue with your vent pipe. They can get clogged or covered by debris (they are usually on your roof).
      If it smells more like a truck-stop bathroom – the wax ring could be dry-rotted and need replacing. You can replace these yourself but it’s a PITA.

    • nuqotw

      Are there any people without adult-level toilet skills in your house? One of our kids is potty-training and he (TMI) sprays a fine mist of pee all over the inside of the toilet bowl instead of just peeing into the water like he will in hopefully not too many years. I am resigned to it smelling terrible because otherwise I’d be cleaning the toilet north of 5x per day.

      • Go for it

        Have him wipe it down after each use ~ he will get grossed out pretty quick ~ says the mom of a former sprayer
        Or sit !

    • Anony

      They may need their wax rings replaced. Smells can start to ‘leak’ out between the floor and toilet when the ring needs to be replaced.

    • Anon

      My vote is a blocked vent pipe. Those things are innocuous but really work. You probably need a plumber.

      The last thing you want to deal with is some sort of slow drip leak between your toilet and the sewer line (which will end up with you replacing your floors) so better to get it checked out by a pro sooner rather than later.

  19. Anon

    I used to live in Arlington VA and like a lot of military and government workers, kept my house now that work has taken me a way for a while. I rented it to a coworker who will be detailed there for a while (and would repeat should he move away). I am used to people drilling through tax records to find houses where the owner’s address isn’t listed as the property address, but now I am getting calls and even texts. I am not sure how this level of doxing is even possible, but is there an army of people somewhere who do this all day? Is that what they teach in real estate seminars I see on TV sometimes? This is just so bizarre (and my friends assure me, as soon as I sell, I will be detailed back to DC and won’t be able to afford anything closer than Manassas, if that). I want be a hermit sometimes.

    • Anon

      What are you talking about? Is someone publishing your address to doxx you? Or are you upset that realtors are calling you trying to get you to sell?

      • Anon

        OP — I am just shocked they got my phone number. It’s a secondary line on my spouse’s account (so not tied to me in a way I can see), we have different last names, the house is just in my name, and since the mortgage company pays the real estate taxes directly, no way to associate that number with me that I can think of. Like I think I keep stuff private and disconnected, but obviously not. It’s disconcerting and I’m glad I don’t have a stalker because that would be scary.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, most of this info is public whether you want it to be or not (I’m not sure I’d call it doxxing). They believe they are go-getters! It’s because the market is unbelievably hot right now and they want in.

      • Anon

        +1 It’s not doxxing and these people just really, really want to buy your house.

    • Curious

      Ugh that stinks. FWIW my Android phone does a GREAT job screening spam, in case that’s an option for you in the future.

    • anon for this

      I think it is a measure of desperation reflecting the crushing lack of housing supply in the area right now. A friend last year combed through tax records in her neighborhood (in Fairfax County) looking specifically for owners who lived out of state because she was searching for a lot in her kids’ school district. She didn’t find one but her builder did.

      The housing demand is insane, moreso even than in 2005-7 here. A house goes on the market Thursday and offer deadlines are Monday, and almost everything goes above asking (anecdotally from our realtor, with waived inspections and many cash purchases). Even when the listing prices are already very high based on the last year. If you are a regular person, one way to avoid the craziness is to find an owner willing to do a private sale, so it doesn’t surprise me at all that you are getting contacted.

    • anon

      There are companies that sell lists of home owner information to potential real estate investors. Don’t ask me how it all works, but I have heard this discussed on podcasts over at Bigger Pockets.
      I own property that I rent and I get some combination of calls, mailers and texts every week. It’s incredibly annoying. Usually I just don’t answer a call, recycle the mailer and delete the texts. I have at other times tried a different tactic: one day I replied to a text saying, what’s your offer? as they had asked me if I would consider them making an offer on the house. I didn’t get a response back. Another time I replied with a curt eff off, and the reply I got back was almost a repeat of the original message. I think I was telling off a bot.
      Agree with anon at 12:37pm, the housing market is crazy and lots of people are responding to the call of investing in real estate as a way to make more money since jobs aren’t stable or scarce. These same investors are typically hoping to make an off market deal that is below market price.
      Do your best to block, delete or ignore.

    • Anon

      This, while annoying, is not what doxxing is. Doxxing is publishing info gathered online with malicious intent, such as to silence or shame. It is a kind of vigilante justice.

  20. Anon

    For those of you who watch the Bachelor, what did you think about Matt James breaking up with Racheal because of the sorority party that she attended in 2018? I thought it was bs and he was looking for a way out. I did not think that it said much about his character that he would break up with his fiancé over it, especially in light of how she addressed it after the fact – she left the sorority that year even and sincerely apologized. He said he didn’t sign up to have those conversations about race with her but that seemed like a cop out. I think she dodged a bullet with him!

    • emeralds

      What the f*ck? Matt dodged a bullet breaking up with Rachael, since she is/was clearly not in a place to critically engage with race on the level that he would have wanted from a white partner. FWIW, I don’t think Rachael is some kind of irredeemable monster–I hope she got a wakeup call and does the work on herself that she’s promised to do. But she was clearly not the right partner for Matt.

      They also weren’t engaged. Please get your Bachelor facts right before you come here with your takes.

      • kitten

        EXACTLY sis.

        I don’t think Matt is ready for marriage anyways but she definitely isn’t.

    • Anon

      I don’t watch the Bachelor and I understand Matt is kind of a garbage person, but I think it’s completely reasonable for a Black man to end a relationship when he found out his girlfriend had attended an antebellum-themed party at a plantation just three years ago. Apologizing after the fact is better than nothing, but doesn’t change how ridiculous it is that she didn’t know better at the time – it was 2018 not 1968 and she was an adult woman cosplaying slave owner. I’m white and quite frankly would reconsider my relationship with my husband if I found out he’d done something like that, and we’ve been married for over a decade.

      • Anon

        To be historically clear, it’s not an era where a married woman owned anything. Google “married women’s property acts” to find out more.

        OTOH, back when I was in college, we had “New Jersey” as a theme after pimp and prostitute were no longer acceptable. I guess that is still safe (I am from there, but elsewhere, it seems to pass as exotic / trashy).

          • Anon

            Yes and no. A married woman lost control of her property by being married. Only if they had permission to act as “femme sole” traders could they deal in anything. They had no rights to see their own children if they left their husbands to seek a divorce. The legal status of adult competent women was very problematic then.

            Everything then was problematic.

          • Senior Attorney

            Take a look at the book I linked (They Were Her Property). It talks in horrifying detail about the legal lengths white women went to in order to maintain control over the people they enslaved. That book literally made me lose sleep, the things it described were so awful.

          • Anon

            That is true, but the history is extremely complex. White women who owned slaves contributed to atrocities that were led by men. They could not vote, they could not own their own property, they could be raped anytime by their husbands or other men, they were treated as breeders, and they were in no way on the same level as men when it came to perpetuating atrocities against enslaved people. Talking about this issue requires a lot of nuance and complexity, which is hard when there are so many horrifying details at every level. The subjugation of women is inextricably linked to slavery and the massive harms of the institution.

        • Ugh.

          Only on this site will someone derail a discussion about slavery and racism to talk about how bad white women have it.

        • Jess

          Nope, pre-marriage contracts signed by the husband could allow the woman to keep her dower property ie (her specific slaves, her specific family inheritances (not land), her family jewelry). Women fought in court and won. Hence, George Washington being unable to free “his” slaves at his death, because they were brought into the marriage by his wife, Martha, and she owned them.

      • Senior Attorney

        “Adult woman cosplaying slave owner” really gets to the heart of the matter, doesn’t it? Nicely done.

    • CountC

      They weren’t engaged. It’s not his job to educate her about racism or any BIPOC person’s job for that matter. Personally, they both have work to do before they are ready for marriage in this stranger’s opinion and I think he’s dull, but I am Team Matt on this one.

      • ANon

        Yup. As a white woman, I have no grounds to question a black person’s decision on something like this. I cannot possibly understand his perspective and therefore I cannot possibly judge him.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t see why as a black man you would want to date someone who has a history of racist behavior. In addition to the party, she bullied girls in high school who dated/liked black men, hung out with people who wore confederate flags, and liked those pictures. I think Rachel issued a good apology and seems very sincere in her desire to grow and learn, but he is not obligated to take her on that journey. Your interpretation of this makes you seem pretty racist tbh. Even Rachel has said she doesn’t want people defending it.

      • Anon

        I question the sincerity. It’s the same shtick Hannah Brown, Kaitlyn Bristowe, Demi and others have used when exposed in similar situations. There was actually a meme/mockery to this effect — something like “looks like the new way to apologize is to wear a face full of make up, sit on the floor in your bedroom, look cozy/casual/natural, and then post ‘resources’ on your social media to demonstrate how woke you’re trying to be” Like, there was a string of them who might all have the same social media team who recommended the exact same strategy. Maybe some are genuine, but I’m cynical enough to believe that many are probably just responding to professional image rehabilitation strategists.

    • Anon

      Are you…are you serious? This wasn’t some youthful indiscretion 15 yrs ago, this was two and a half years ago at a party celebrating pre-Civil War south. Why on earth would a man stay engaged, specifically to a woman he barely knows, when she’s participated in something like that very recently? Apologies don’t get rid of long held belief systems and it is fully understandable not to want to spend your relationship trying to deprogram someone’s racist beliefs. The most intimate relationship of your life shouldn’t be that hard.

      He definitely dodged a bullet there.

    • Anon

      I mean I don’t watch this show but you know these story lines are largely scripted, right? If this has just come out, the producers knew it day one, probably picked this contestant specifically because of it, and dropped the tidbit into the show at the right moment to create a story arc.

      • Anon

        the producers didn’t drop the tidbit – people on social media found it and amplified it.

        the real problem is the show doesn’t seem to vet their contestants and continues to cast racists in seasons where there is a lead of colour. they are not interested in protecting the people of colour

        • Anon

          I promise none of this is accidental. They can’t have a boring show where everyone is nice and non controversial. No one would watch it. If this rose from social media, the producers planted it.

    • anon 4 this

      Stop t rolling here and go listen to any black women’s podcast about The Bachelor (I like Two Black Girls, One Rose). Educate yourself.

  21. Anonymous

    We’ve had some conversations about San Francisco lately and all the problems it’s experiencing. I wanted to take a moment to signal the rise in anti-Asian violence in the city (as well as nationally, but it’s especially poignant here). Not only do these crimes reflect the rise in specifically anti-Asian hate crime incidents, they reflect what happens when a city loses control of the streets. They’re dangerous, filthy, and unsafe for women and minorities. Where do we go from here? What do we do? Several of the Asian individuals who have been attacked say they will leave the state, but that’s not sustainable and I want to know how we can reclaim the city and make it safe for all. I would love some input and ideas because I feel stuck and hopeless and have for years here.

    • Curious

      From my understanding, SF city council has repeatedly refused requests to upzone areas, which allows more housing to be built and eventually decreases costs, getting people off the street. That might be a place to start. Many environmental organizations (including, at least in Seattle, Sierra Club) have existing campaigns about this because adding duplexes and low rises and even high rises decreases pollution due to commutes and environmental degradation from urban sprawl. That might be a place to start?

      • anonshmanon

        to be clear, SF city council (and others in the area) don’t operate in a vacuum. They don’t change the zoning, despite decades of lobbying from fair housing initiatives/homeless advocates/renters/unions, because of counter lobbying from real estate companies together with NIMBYs who ‘don’t want the character of my neighborhood to change’.

        • Anon

          We can’t just write off their concerns either, though. Everyone was down on NIMBYs opposing the construction of a massive homeless navigation center in a nice SF neighborhood, but anyone who actually lives next to one of those centers knows that they basically destroy the neighborhood. They provide an excellent service within their walls, but the spillover in the immediate area is awful. I do not blame anyone for not wanting their neighborhoods to become a hotspot for used needles, human waste, high men loitering at all hours, crime, and worse. It feels reductive and disingenuous to insult people as NIMBYs rather than taking those concerns seriously.

          • Anonymous

            +1 it’s so reductive to call legitimate concerns NIMBYism. Signed a woman who is so tired of calling the police every single week.

          • anonshmanon

            I am talking about preventing the extension of public transport into an area, or changing the zoning to allow multistory buildings for more housing.

          • Anon

            What on earth are you calling the police about weekly? I have lived in SF my entire adult life and never had occasion to call.

          • anon

            I live in SF and I call the non-emergency police line frequently. Some examples: homeless people decided to camp out on my front steps and refusing to move aside to let me leave the building; garage break-ins; car break-ins; the person starting a fire outside my bedroom window (actually that may have been a call to to the emergency line); the well-known belligerent homeless guy climbing over the fence into my neighbor’s yard, and so on. My neighborhood has a real problem with property crime and transients, and there are tents all over the sidewalk. If anyone gets arrested, they end up right back on the streets. The DA is terribly soft on crime. The police are frustrated. There are needles and human feces everywhere. So much human misery. I really wish we had a combination of better services available for the chronic homeless population combined with a DA who was tougher on crime and had an interest in keeping our streets safe. This is not a new problem in SF but it is getting worse.

    • Anonymous

      Start with the DA and City Council races. The current DA is refusing to prosecute certain crimes, or request bail, and so low level offenders are having a field day in SF. The police chief is deeply frustrated. If the citizens clearly tell their representatives they want a safer streets initiative, and get rid of the no bail progressives and the DA, you can start making progress on crime.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you, that’s helpful. I haven’t really thought about the DA the same way that I think about other officials, but that approach makes sense.

    • Seventh Sister

      Our local neighborhood associations (LA area) have been helpful in getting our city to sit up and take notice about local crime issues as well as proposed buildings (we’re more YIMBY than NIMBY, though there is a spectrum on our board for sure). Joining or starting one of these can be very very helpful.

  22. Anon

    following up on the above post, i feel like we have not given the recent hate crimes towards Asians enough attention on this board. i truly cannot imagine hating complete strangers who’ve done absolutely nothing to me so much that i’d want to do anything to them.

    • Anon

      We need to name the problem, which is male violence. It always goes back to that but we never want to talk about it.

      • Anon

        In the discussion above about the Bachelor, there was lots of awareness of racial issues. When Asians are being attacked, it is not ok to ignore the racial targeting to make this only about male violence. It is also about racism.

        • anon

          “It is not ok to ignore the racial targeting…” SO MUCH THIS! The refusal and reluctance to name a hate crime by it’s name is such a typical function of white supremacy…

      • Anon

        To say it’s a male problem minimizes the issue. Also, not all the perpetrators are men. A homeless woman yell at me “watch it China” not too long ago when I was walking by myself in NYC. I’ve had worse things yelled at me by men, but it’s not limited to just men. Also, some of the attacks on Asians have been by other minorities as well. Bigots of all kind prefer to go after women and the elderly because they are less likely to defend themselves. So most of the targets of anti-Asian violence have been women and the elderly.

        Kindly, it’s not a competition. I forget what the exact term is, but minorities tend to compete with each other for any sliver of power in the social structure, even if it means minimizing the issues of the other groups. It’s a race to the bottom to deny power to another group by making it all about your own struggles. Something similar happened with second wave feminism where white women drowned out the voice of black women in a way that undercut the movement for all women. I hope we don’t make this mistake again.

    • Anon

      The comments from the Atlanta area sheriff about how the murderer just had a bad day were appalling. I hope that dipshit loses his job pronto.

      • Anon

        +1

        Also infuriating that the suspect told the police that his actions were not racially motivated. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Atlanta – the two metro-area spas are located in the middle of a bunch of other spas and strip clubs. He literallly had to pass other joints, coming from any direction, in order to get to those two. If all he was trying to do was “eliminate temptation”, he would have stopped at the first place he passed.

        • Anonymous

          Ugh, that’s so horrifying. Racist incels (and incel-adjacent men) are a growing problem.

        • Anonymous

          Thanks for the additional background. Any crime like this by incel should still be treated as a hate crime and the penalties bumped up: hating women is a massive problem.

        • Anonymous

          Like everyone, I don’t know all the facts. And what he did is disgusting. But the story he told apparently was that he went back to places he had visited and received services from before. No idea if that is true, and for many reasons does not really negate the race factor, but it just negates the inherent importance of his having driven past other places.

      • Anon

        Right? “He had a bad day” was such an incredibly dumb thing to say. It reminds me of Gilmore Girls when Rory stole the yacht and was trying to explain herself by saying she was sad or had a bad day or something, and Lorelai was like “When I’m sad, I eat a lot of pound cake. Do they not have pound cake at Yale?”

      • Anon

        Wait. I thought the Sheriff was quoting the murderer. I thought the murderer’s excuse was that he had a bad day. Law enforcement was describing his actions in non-quote format as a bad day? Woah.

        • jen

          The human trash of a Sheriff who made the bad day comment wore a t-shirt that blamed covid on Chinese people, posted it all over social media a while back and faced zero consequences. So it shouldn’t be surprising that he characterized the terrorist murderer as having had a bad day. Because you know, having a bad day means shooting 12 people and killing 8.

    • anon

      The fetishization of Asian women is terrible. In the late 90s I worked with some company execs, including a general counsel, who openly talked in front of me (non-asian, white) about how s–y Asian women were, how sensual, how deferential, how they met all the guys’ needs. It was disgusting and I couldn’t believe it at the time and it sticks with me all these years later.

      • Seventh Sister

        I have an Asian college friend who has worked in advertising for decades and some of the stories she tells are absolutely horrifying.

      • Anon

        I worked with two white male partners in Big Law who were married to Asian women and openly fetishized Asian women. They often talked graphically in front of me and other women, including an Asian woman, about what made Asian women better s*xually. The phrase “tighter p*ssies” was used at least once. One of them would always tell me I was attractive for a white woman but could never be as hot as even an ugly Asian woman (and ironically that was not the one who made a pass at me – he said it very matter of factly like he was assessing a show dog.) This was less than a decade ago!!

  23. Anon

    Work pants recommendation? I’m slightly panicking that I’ll be headed back to in-person work in a week and purged lots of clothing over the last year without replacing it. I know the trend is towards wider/looser pants, but I’m very short and most of my tops are longer/looser so want to stick with more fitted silhouette. BE Sloan? Or any other stores you’re liking lately for workwear? LOFT, BR and J. Crew are just not striking out lately for
    me-too many ruffles, too cropped etc.

    • Anonymous

      I found a surprisingly good range of work pants at Talbots, and have not had massive shipping delays. They have straight and curvy cuts; check your measurements to see which will be a better fit.

    • Anonymous

      I have liked some Nic and Zoe pants in slim silhouettes to go with flowy tops.

  24. Birth Control and Breakouts

    After being on the pill for about 3 years, I went off of it 6 months ago when I became monogamous with a partner who had a vasectomy. I am in my late 30s. While on the pill, I experienced semi-frequent breakouts, especially along my jawline and chin. The blemishes could be large/painful. Before I got on the pill, I generally had pretty clear skin, even as a teen. I thought it could be age-related, since I know that hormone fluctuations in your 30s can cause breakouts. But ever since my body acclimated to being off the pill again, my skin has been practically flawless — like no acne whatsoever.

    I am just curious whether anyone else has experienced this? I know that women are often prescribed hormonal BC to fix acne problems, so it seems odd that it would have caused acne in my case.

    • Anon

      I had perfect skin on the pill and now have the worst acne I’ve ever had (not on the pill). Bodies are different.

    • anon

      I had perfect skin on the pill. Went off it for awhile and my skin got bad. I’ve now been back on the same pill for a few months and my skin hasn’t recovered. I don’t get it.

    • Z

      Works differently for everyone. I had pretty bad acne from 15-20, then it got significantly better when I got on the pill at 20. I still experience occasional acne that I see a derm for, I gave up trying to fix it myself with drugstore and expensive products. Will it get bad again when I go off the pill? Maybe, hopefully my derm can help me keep it under control if it does come back with a vengeance.

    • pugsnbourbon

      And just to throw in more anecdata, I had cystic acne all through my late teens and 20s. The pill and Mirena didn’t make a difference. After a really bad stress-related breakout four years ago I went on spironolactone and it was life-changing.

  25. Anon

    You guys, I will not be getting a stimulus check because my 2020 income was high, but what’s behind those numbers is that I lost my job in 2020 and a lot of that high 2020 income was a severance payment. My 2021 income will be much lower.

    I just got a note from my ACA insurer (which I left cobra to sign up for) and there will apparently be more financial help under the new legislation, meaning that even though I don’t technically qualify for the actual check, my healthcare premiums (which are huge for me and two kids) will be reduced automatically.

    This is why I appreciate the dems’ approach to economic stimulus. There are multiple programs aimed at individual taxpayers that can affect us in many small ways that will add up to a lot of extra spending power for us, which is kind of the point.

    I don’t know why r’s continue to insist that trickle-down is the way to go, when it has never actually been all that effective/ worked the way conservative economists think it should.

    • Lily

      They don’t actually think trickle down works. They don’t care about middle class and poor folks. It’s just an excuse to hoard wealth.

    • Blueanon

      As someone in the 200k range (not rich) i absolutely DO NOT appreciate biden’s lies and garbage. get a job and stay away from my money.

    • Anon

      If you qualify based on 2021 income, you’ll get the check once you file your 2021 tax return! The stimulus is basically an advance on a tax credit, so if you qualify based on 2020 income, you get a check in the mail now and if you qualify based on 2021 income, you get a check at tax time. I’m glad you’re already benefiting from it in a different way though.

  26. Anon0321

    I might share this again tomorrow because I’m jazzed, but I am about to turn 36 and I hit a huge financial milestone. I have 1m in asserts. I can’t really share this with anyone irl because everyone gets weird about money. But it’s a goal I set for myself when I had a ton of law school debt and never felt like I’d be able to breath… and with a lot of luck and hard work I somehow made it.

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