ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 482 Comments

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Cashmere Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This cashmere blazer is a perfect piece for when you need to look pulled-together but still want to be cozy. (Or, hypothetically, when you work in a business formal office but are trapped in a high-stakes thermostat battle with someone who runs very warm. Purely hypothetical. Not my personal experience at all.) This blazer comes in five colors — I would keep the black on hand to make a business-casual dress look a bit more business-y, and I would love the cranberry red to wear with black trousers and a white turtleneck. The blazer is $201 (marked down from $269) and available in regular sizes XS–XL. It also comes in petite XS–XL in the camel, black, navy, and gray, and is available in plus sizes 0X–3X in black and camel. Cashmere Blazer  A more affordable option in regular sizes is from 1901 for $119. Two plus-size options are from Charter Club ($77 on sale) and Lauren Ralph Lauren ($175). This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

482 Comments

  1. Any recommendation for NY area personal trainer who specializes in weight loss? Thanks in advance!

    1. Not what you are asking, but speaking from personal experience, start with a nutritionist or dietician for weight loss. Accompanying it with an exercise regime is great (and very good for you!) but is not the way to lose weight.

    2. The NYT has lots of articles about diet vs. exercise for weight loss. It is all about the food. Not much about the exercise. Check out the Well Section.

  2. We went jeans-casual at work. I feel like that had made my fashion browsing and spending go through the roof. I’d be fine with my old jeans + turtlenecks (which range from knit fabric to merino to chunky wool, depending on weather), but then it just seemed to be too schlubby (so it was better/fresher sweaters). And then sweater dresses for when jeans felt too . . . sloppy. And then sweater dresses were sometimes too weirdly forest sprite / REI aspirational vs city office worker, so more appeared. The trial and error has been heavy on both the trial and the error.

    As a pear, I felt that I could get a structured jacket to balance out my proportions. I feel like I am struggling mightily to do with in a dressed-down office. [Oh, and my clients wear suits, so I still need them.]

    And in winter #3 of casual dress, I am now thinking that fashion has such a short lifespan that even in staples like jeans + sweaters, somehow cut matters a lot and signals when something is a bit stale. Don’t even get me started on boots (expensive! I want to wear my LaCannadienne Passion boots even though I got them 5+ years ago when I was in some “must dress like Pippa Middleton” phase, where I thought they’d look good with (of all things) a skirt suit): western vs roper vs chelsea vs high/flat vs high/heeled. Ugh.

    But to my actual question: for those in casual offices: what is your clothing lifespan? I don’t want to switch to #teamfastfashion, but if I am refreshing at this rate (of the successful purchases, not to mention the fails), it almost makes sense to go that route.

    1. So I’m not casual at work, but I have noticed this same thing in my wardrobe. I started upgrading my Target clothes a few years ago to nicer brands, and my biz casual/formal clothes all generally still seem fine– I just mix and match to make new outfits— whereas my casual clothes seem out of date every year or two. What has worked best for me has been to really embrace a capsule wardrobe for my casual clothes and to try to buy things I can resell easily on Poshmark.

    2. Not in business casual, but it sounds like you’re buying a lot of clothes that you don’t really like.

      I get a lot of compliments (from women and men) on my attire, and I keep things for 5-7 years. The key is to find things that are flattering and fit well, and my rule is that I do not buy it, *at any price*, unless I LOVE it. Not like it, not tolerate it, not need it to fill a gap – plain, flat out love it.

      You also seem to buy in phases, which is a guaranteed way to get sick of what you’re wearing. Don’t buy 5 turtlenecks or sweaters all at once; buy 1-2, wear them for a month, and then figure out if you genuinely enjoy them or if you need to refocus on another piece of clothing.

      1. Same. If I’m not tempted to ask the salesperson if I can wear it out the door, I don’t buy it. That doesn’t change with the price. I also generally don’t buy more than one thing per store or shopping trip, and I generally take a 1 out then 1 in approach. It’s key to have a sense of who you are in terms of personal style and stick to it. I often see things I love in theory but I know they are not for me. That doesn’t mean I don’t experiment with fashion — I usually spot something I love on someone somewhere, think about it for a while, try it on and see how I feel. If I love it, it comes home with me, if not, I move on. This is how I ended up with a jumpsuit!

        My clothing budget is $2k a year and I generally spend $100-300 on most things, except plain Ts. My clothes generally last 3-10 years. E.G. Today I’m wearing an almost 1 year old silk top, 6 year old cashmere cardigan, 2 year old jeans, 4 year old booties, and a 2 year old rain coat.

        1. This is my trick too, and it’s been revolutionary to my purchases. If I’m not eager to wear the item (or use the household good) immediately at my first opportunity, I return it immediately. I won’t fall more in love with it over time; it will just languish in my closet or kitchen drawer.

        2. Buying one item per store is such a good tip, I think. Whenever I don’t do that, I always end up with one thing I love and 2-3 things that languish in my closet. The tricky part is figuring out in the store which one thing will be the true keeper, so sometimes I buy the 2-3 items if I can trust myself to take them back once I’ve identified which one thing will actually get worn…

    3. My clothing life span is a few years – if I like the clothes. At some point I went through the Curated Closet book and it really helped me start buying clothes I actually like and that fit my general style. Before I got a sense of what I really like I struggled to buy clothing that I would use, and that I would want to wear after one season. (What really prompted me to do this was spending $$ coming back from maternity leave on a great capsule wardrobe that wasn’t really my taste. I struggled to wear it and there are still a few pieces languishing in the back of my closet.) I’ll cosign Anon @9:41 – I’m willing to spend on my ‘casual’ clothes because they’re really work clothes for me.

    4. i’m likely not as fashionable as you seem to be, but i kind of think that you are overthinking this a bit. i mean i guess a sweater dress can be too foresty depending on the particular sweater dress and shoes, but generally no one goes hiking in a sweater dress! if your office is really jeans casual, i would think of your daily uniform as jeans + blouse, jeans + blouse + cardigan, jeans + sweater. maybe with some cords mixed in, or ponte pants. just buy things in more neutral colors and less trendy styles.

    5. Interestingly, I had the opposite experience. When I worked in biglaw, I felt like I was consistently purchasing new business causal clothing, and I noticed differences in the styles each season. Since I’ve moved to a causal government office, I find that I rarely purchase new work clothing. I wear dresses during the summer, because it is way too hot to commute on public transit in jeans. Doing the fall and winter, I wear jeans and sweaters or other long-sleeved shirts. I think I’ve been wearing the same style of jeans (same brand, same cut) for over three years and have had some sweaters for over five years. I wear basic preppy sweaters and find that the style doesn’t change from year to year.

      1. Do you think this has to do with how your coworkers are dressing? I moved from a relatively trendy, well-dressed work environment to one where there was less interest in keeping up with trends, across the company, and found I also stopped caring near as much. It was really great for my mental health and budget.

        1. Maybe to some extent. But I basically wear what I used to wear on causal Fridays, so it’s not like my outfits have changed. In fact, today I’m wearing an outfit I know I used to wear to biglaw causal Fridays

    6. I’m 100% casual and totally get what you’re saying. I’ve constructed a basic uniform that has a little more longevity but you’re right that things turn faster. My work looks are typically 5-7 blouses that I rotate and wear with jeans (I’m delighted that flares and trouser jeans are back and am doing those right now), and a couple of dresses for when I’m tired of jeans. I had a number of third pieces ranging from puffer vests to Chanel jacket knock offs (I wear them really casually though like with a t-shirt and jeans), denim jackets and the occasional blazer. Because it all gets a little sloppier over time faster, I do refresh more often (and also, I like clothes and fashion a lot)

        1. I found some cute pairs at Banana and Ann Taylor, I’ll try to find links and post in the AM thread

      2. I’m also in casual (after 15 years in business casual Biglaw), and I get it too. My business casual trousers were tropical and lasted 5+ years. Sweaters, tops or jackets also had a longer lifespan. I was never a big dress person, but those I did have would last at least 3-4 years without looking dated. I had a large office and kept all of my work shoes in a drawer, so they lasted forever. I think the big difference for me is that trends cycle more slowly in business casual and that I never expected to look particularly “in style” when I was wearing business casual. I expected to look work appropriate and relatively current by work wear standards. My solution has been to focus on keeping my shoes up to date and significantly paring down the number of different pieces of day-to-day work clothing I own so that items are getting tired/worn out by the time they’re feeling dated.

    7. I’ve had an personal rule that a business/formal workplace will need to pay 15% more than a casual workplace for me to consider the move (tech/finance, and i am lazy) So ‘ve been in casual workplaces forever :joy

      For me, if something crosses the 1 season period, i’ll likely wear it till it falls apart, or ceases to fit. Otoh, about 20% of the stuff i buy doesnt make it a season- falls apart, shrinks in the wash even though it was advertised as machine washable, or i get bigger etc. (casual does add the temptation of buying from cheaper fast-fashion brands)
      What helps is that i don’t particularly care for trends, have a fairly capsule-ish wardrobe and the most interesting things i own tend to be fun-fine jewellery (small real precious and semi-precious stones set in silver or gold)

    8. I struggle with this and tend to dress more formally than a lot of the office. I mainly wear black or other dark colored dresses in ponte or knit but pair with more casual footwear like flats or booties. Am I in an etsuko dress and flats when others are wearing jeans–yeah, sometimes.

      If I do buy jeans, I usually get them in black in a slim or straight cut as that feels more classic/less “trendy” than stove pipe or flared or whatever is in. It’s a fine balance though. I work in a pretty youth-focused field (media tech) and don’t want to look too old or out of touch. But I also feel like I just have to be me at a certain point and that’s just not going to be some oversized sweater or Marmot hoodie. When I do buy things, I try to focus on fewer/better (more natural fabrics).

      1. With black jeans, how black are they? My “black” jeans are a few years old and only black-ish now. Time for a refresh? I do see gray jeans offered, so I thought that blackish was OK or maybe not.

        I am having flashbacks to the “cerulean” part of The Devil Wears Prada (which is how I feel in the minefield that is non-suits workwear for women).

      2. Same – I’m one of two people with a J.D. in our start-up office of about 20, having a non traditional legal role. Her and I are both young, she just passed the bar and I’m taking it in Feb. However, we both wear “traditional” trousers and blouses that we used to wear under blazers (I’ll sometimes do a ponte pencil skirt). I can’t speak for her, but even dressing more professional/classic than the CEO, I don’t feel out of place. I usually wear loafers or a casual heeled bootie to make it transition, and rather than a blazer on hand I keep a chunky cardigan.

          3. This is the comments on a fashion blog, not a brief in federal court. You understood her meaning.

    9. I work in a casual office and only buy clothes that I like and will wear regardless of trends. In the winter, I usually wear jeans or ponte pants + sweater; in the summer I wear dresses, skirts or jeans + blouse + cardigan. I don’t generally have a bunch of of anything except sweaters (because I wear those every day November-March). Instead I’ll go for 1-3 of items I like in different colors (boat neck 3/4 sleeve shirts, short sleeve button down blouses, jeans, ponte pants, long cardigans). I only replace stuff when it’s worn out or doesn’t fit anymore.

    10. A handful of years ago we went to jean-casual.
      But I don’t wear jeans everyday because of my schedule and because I like dressing up.
      To answer your specific question, lifespan of my clothes is generally 3-7 years, though some much longer.
      I’ve always tended to be a classic dresser.
      Over time I’ve migrated to: Gap boot cut jeans, Talbot’s belts, Boden’s silk blouses and wool blazers.
      Land’s End cashmere sweaters I’ve had for >10 years. I have a large collection of scarfs built over time.
      For winter, I do love my sweater dresses – with tights and SW boots.
      I update clothes twice a year – each season when I swap closets.

    11. I keep my clothes from 6 months to 10 years or so. To enjoy business casual, IMHO, one has to be polished: good shoes (booties, loafers, oxfords) interesting or fine jewelry, hair well done, etc. Otherwise, it just gets too sloppy. I think jeans + top + topper + accessories = great. Do be polished, and then forget it.

  4. I need a gown for a fancy event I am going to next month. I have struck out at Asos (it seems to skew much younger) and Norstrom. If it matters, I am pretty flat-chested, so it is hard to fill out many evening items that are strapless or one-shouldered and I’d prefer not to get things altered (I have a good place for basic alterations, but under a deadline, I’m not sure they could pull off a bust alteration vs a basic hem).

    I am toying with this just b/c it is fairly inexpensive and I am hoping that b/c it is lose below the waist that I may order for a bust measurement and have the rest fit: https://www.thecelebritydresses.com/helen-mirren-a-line-ruffled-long-sleeves-v-neck-evening-dress-2019-oscar.html

    Also, I am only 5-4, so I am OK with hemming (and used to it) but frequently that puts the waist in the wrong place (I’m short-waisted to boot — boo!). Googling petite gowns has just gotten me a lot of promwear.

    In the past, I’ve resorted to being underdressed for this event in a black sheath and sparkly heels but want to get it right this year.

      1. Adrianna Papell has a petite line, found on their website.

        I love the “short sleeve sequin beaded gown with cowl back,” the “scoop back sequin gown,” and the “floral beaded Godet gown.”

        1. If I wore petite sizes I’d be all over that cowl back green dress with the lace by Adrianna Papell.

    2. I know you said you checked Nordstrom, but I wore the Morgan & Co Lace & Jersey gown from Nordstrom and it only needed hemming. I’m 5’2 and flat chested. It’s a Juniors so I think that helped.

    4. Lord and Taylor often has a nice selection of that type of dress, too (online is probably best).

    5. Petite here who goes to a lot of black tie and cocktail events. Unless you are prepared to do a lot of trying on in stores or to go custom, short with sequins and fancy tea/midi length are your friends because you will be able to get the length right. I am an hourglass, so my options differ from yours, but if infrastructure was not a concern, I would go with something with a plunge neckline and plenty of embellishment. Add strappy heels and jewelry and you will be good to go. Links to follow, but my suggestions are Saks/Neiman, Nords online, and Bloomingdales for these kinds of things. Also, look on-line or ask where you can find a quality seamstress (my tip – ask a Jos. A. Bank store).

    6. Check out Anthropologie, they have a ton of gowns that might work for you. (Look under wedding guest-formal)

    7. Something like this is easy to alter: https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/rebecca-vallance-dolores-striped-slip-dress/product/0400010553708?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306634682&R=889791162735&P_name=Rebecca+Vallance&N=306634682&bmUID=mUkQO71

      Strap adjustment + hem should do it: https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/alice-olivia-diana-v-neck-high-slit-midi-dress/product/0400010421993?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306634682&R=888819973018&P_name=Alice+%2B+Olivia&N=306634682&bmUID=mUkVI9a

      Probably not in your size, but gives you an idea of options: https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/retrofete-rebecca-metallic-sequin-slip-dress/product/0400010527322?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306634682&R=400105273246&P_name=Retrof%26%23234%3Bte&N=306634682&bmUID=mUkWcKB

    8. We sound like we have very similar body types – I’m flat chested and 5′ 2″ (although often supplement with high heels.

      Honestly, I’ve had my best luck for evening gowns at Zara, assuming you are willing to be a bit chic/fashion forward. Shopping in store is hard because the displays aren’t always great, but online is easy, as they have a million pictures of every look, usually styled by models with very flat chests.

      You are probably out of time for this, but I’ve also had good look at nicer vintage shops. I’ve had better luck with fit, and many retro silhouettes are still very popular.

  5. Hi Ladies, I have a milestone anniversary next year (early summer) and I want to go to either St. Bart, St. Martin or St. Lucia with the hubby. Does anyone have any recommendations for a nice resort? From what I know about these resorts, I think I want to stay at a mid-level resort – not the nicest (like Jade Mountain) but obviously not the cheapest either. I know you all have great recommendations, so please don’t hold back. TIA!!

    1. My parents really like a Sandals in St Lucia. There are several, I think they like the Halcyon one (definitely the one that has a reputation for being quiet). They’re older (late 60s) and not big food snobs though.

      1. +1 for Sandals Halcyon Beach. I stayed there for my honeymoon ~5yrs ago and we loved it. It is indeed the “quiet” one out of the 3 which was really nice. There’s also a shuttle that can take you to the other 2 Sandals properties in St Lucia so you can try different restaurants, do their activities, etc.

      2. I have been to the Sandals Grande and it was just, kind of tired feeling. I found Sandals way overpriced for the quality and think there are much nicer resorts for comparable money. I know you said not Jade Mountain, but honestly it is worth every penny for a special trip.

        1. Sandals is like 1/3rd or less the price of Jade Mountain though, so of course they’re not going to be comparable quality. The OP said Jade Mountain wasn’t in the budget, it’s kind of out of touch to be like “Oh Jade Mountain is worth it!” It may be worth it for people who can afford it, but most people can’t.

          1. When we went there was not that much of a price disparity, so that’s reasonable.

            But the OP said she “thinks” she wants to stay at a mid-level resort, so I was merely pointing out that it might be worth it to level up.

    2. Tread cautiously with St. Martin — as of a few months ago when we last saw it, it’s still only like half recovered from the 2017 hurricanes, so open & operating resorts, even if lovely, are not far from boarded up properties, there are still half-sunk boats in some areas, etc. The Dutch side has always been far more commercialized so I think is faring better than the French side, but we have found the Dutch side to be less romantic and “Caribbean” feeling (that’s where the cruise terminal is, there’s US chain restaurants, etc). Grand Case is our favorite area of St. Martin because of the concentration of delicious French food, and there are several beautiful little hotels along it, but we last stayed there pre-Irma for this reason.

      If you choose St. Bart you’ll be flying via SXM I assume — FYI, the airport is doing well but still not 100% repaired (like the jetways are still not operating) so you’ll need to manage your luggage on stairs, etc, and allow a relatively generous time to check in or make a connection when coming home. Summer is quieter but I’d say 2.5 hours gives you a comfortable buffer before the US-bound flight boards.

    3. If Jade Mountain is too much $$, have you thought about Anse Chastanet? They share the same beach and restaurants. We had our honeymoon there and loved it.

    4. Are you open to a cruise? If so, I highly recommend Windstar Cruises – it’s a small ship, luxury line, VERY different than the megaships, with excellent food. Some of the boats are sailing yachts if that appeals to you. It’s more expensive than something like Royal Caribbean, but still relatively affordable, especially since cruises tend to be a good deal compared to hotels. Since they’re small ships you can visit some off-the-beaten-path ports on several different islands.

  6. Ladies, I bought this exact cashmere cardigan at Macys in June for $90! Granted it was June, but now I’m realizing what a steal it was. I haven’t worn it yet, but it fit great and I can’t wait for it to get a little bit colder.

    1. Good for you! If you look hard enough you can always find something @ a great price. I try, but often see something and must get it right away, even if it is not on sale. I do this b/c if I wait, it will be gone, and my personal shopper at L&T always held stuff for me b/c of my unusual fit, with a small waist, but a big tuchus. I think that we all ought to have personal shoppers b/c it would save us so much time, it would be worth it. I now try to do it myself w/o L&T to dress me. I also think men like women like me when I am properly put together, so that is why I work hard to dress well. Good luck in future searches! YAY!!

  7. Sending thanks to the ‘Rette who mentioned the Pomodoro technique last week. I’d never heard of it and use it now.

    This made me wonder what similar techniques or concepts I don’t know about. The one example I can offer is the 4 quadrants from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

    We have a professional development reading club at work and I’ll be offering these to the group as well. Thank you!

    1. Another idea is a bullet journal. You can google for ideas to get started – there are lots of articles. And there is at least one book called The Bullet Journal Method by Ryder Carroll that has good review online.

    1. Feels like the opposite mistake from wearing ‘church formal’ to work. Business fabrics tend to be matte while wedding appropriate (occasion wear) fabrics tend to have some shine to them.

      1. Agree — you need some sparkle or shine at a wedding; generally not with business formal attire

        Think of Nancy Pelosi’s suits vs Dolly Parton’s suits. You could wear Dolly’s to a wedding.

        Not fair that it is different for men (but see: Indian weddings, where the men can sparkle / shine, too).

    3. Assuming it’s not a white/black tie wedding, I don’t see a problem with it. Men do it. A suit is literally what most men wear to most weddings. It rankles me that women are expected to have a separate wardrobe of occasion wear but men can wear the same thing to an interview, important meeting, fancy dinner, wedding, etc. Look if you WANT to wear something sparkly/shiny/short, more power to you. But if occasion wear is a chore that you don’t want to deal with, throw on a solid color dress that you wear to work and call it a day.

      1. I’m sorry, but this response is just wrong. An MMLF Etsuko is not wedding attire. Have we lost all sense of formality and occasion in this world? #youkidsgetoffmylawn

        1. This is not a time honored tradition, having a new dress to wear to a wedding. This is marketing, purely. Most people until very recently just wore their Sunday best, which was one of maybe two outfits they wore every Sunday all year.

        3. My grandmother dressed like that for weddings so I don’t think it’s a “kids get off my lawn” situation… Different people and cultures have different standards of formality and what’s appropriate. I’ve never been invited to a black tie wedding and church/business clothes would have been appropriate at most of the weddings I’ve attended. In NYC, a lot of people wear black. At Indian weddings everyone wears bright colors and lots of sparkles, black would look very out of place, etc.
          Your choice about what to wear but don’t make some universal proclamation that this dress is inappropriate or offensive to the people throwing the wedding.

    4. Well, I did it. I made a speech in an outfit one week and wore it to a wedding the next. It wasn’t a suit. It was a two piece dress from MM Lafleur with a coordinating third piece that wasn’t a blazer. It was fine. I was one of the more dressed up people there. I’m over 50, IDGAF.

    5. I think this is incredibly dependent on what you’re wearing. As far as business formal, a black or navy two piece skirt or pant suit? You’ll look pretty weird, especially if you’re going to a wedding not in the NE. A muted color well tailored sheath dress? You can totally make it work with the right jewelry, shoes, and makeup.
      You can’t wear on the casual end of business casual to a wedding, you’ll look foolish and like you didn’t care enough about the event to put in any amount of effort. I’ve seen the women wearing grey slacks, a button down, and cardigan and they look like someone’s assistant delivering an important file to a guest.

      1. Yes, I really agree with this. Sure, wearing a navy skirt suit to a wedding will look odd. Wearing a lovely sheath dress, with the right accessorises, is probably going to be fine. It really depends what you have in mind. I also think it depends on your connection to the couple – if they’re a professional connection then I think dressing in a slightly more business like way will seem less odd.

    6. Depends on the wedding. The venue. The people. I am from a weirdly mixed-class family. My mom’s side live in trailers in the rural south. My dad’s side are a bunch of rich, waspy, snobs from New England.

      People wore all kinds of things to my wedding. My aunt on my dad’s side wore a lovely tastefully sequined dress with a Chanel purse. An uncle on my mom’s side wore blue jeans, grubby sneakers, and his “fancy” plaid short sleeved collared shirt. My college friends wore a variety of things.

      I didn’t care. I was happy they were all there because I love them and wanted them to feel comfortable. I think it’s a know your audience thing. Anything can be appropriate depending on the setting and the family. I wouldn’t typically wear business clothes to a wedding, but not all weddings are alike and it’s probably fine to do it at some. It would have been fine at mine.

      1. Ha, my wedding was similar for similar reasons. My dad’s brother wore jeans and we were all relieved they weren’t the basketball shorts that he practically lives in. And then you had my mom’s relatives all wearing cashmere and leather and expensive suits.

    7. I think there are, in theory, some pieces that might work for both things, but I kinda feel like in general, business attire at a wedding will have a Charlotte Pickles vibe, and you’ll look like the type to accidentally call the marriage a merger.

  9. If this site had existed 50 years ago, what kinds of questions do you think people would post?

    2. Sandalfoot vs reinforced toe (OMG: one day, no one will know what either term even means).

        2. It’s reinforced (and had a darker section in that area) against runs, presumably from your toenails.

          1. Reinforced, all the way. I never really understood the point of sandalfoot. If you’re wearing sandals, it’s summer and you’re probably not wearing nylons, right? :-)

          2. At the time, it was unheard of to go barelegged. My mother still cringes. And she’s very liberal, so her solution was to never wear skirt.

    3. What an interesting question! At first I was thinking, “What kinds of questions would a 1950s career women ask?” And then I realized it’s nearly 2020. Wait, the 1970s were almost 50 years ago!?

      1. What an interesting question! At first I was thinking, “What kinds of questions would a 1950s career women ask?” And then I realized it’s nearly 2020. Wait, the 1970s were almost 50 years ago!?

        1. Maybe it’s just where I grew up in a Midwestern city or that I was young, but there didn’t seem to be any focus on equal parenting or division of housework when I was growing up in the 80s. I can only think that there was less in the 70s, and I suspect that a woman was suppose to do all the housework and child rearing when making it look effortless even if she worked outside the home. Most of us are no where near 50-50 on the home front yet, but there seems to at least be an understanding that it is what we should strive for.

    4. The same fashion and hair stuff for the non-serious posts and probably a lot more problems with abusive husbands, lack of access to contraception, and lack of autonomy in the serious posts (“my bank won’t let me get a credit card in my own name…” and so on).

      1. To add to that, I would love to see posts from second-wave feminists in the 70s. They did SO MUCH for us. It would’ve been fascinating to be there in real time.

    5. Super interesting question!

      Laws related to women and work were changing a lot in the 60s and 70s, so posts might be about how to navigate that. I’m sure practices that were newly illegal were still rampant, so women may have been talking about how to point out that something is now illegal without getting fired. (Of course this is still an issue).

      “Women’s lib”-related conflicts with husbands? I wasn’t alive at the time, but I’ve read that many marriages were severely strained.

      Political disagreements may have been about racial issues or the Vietnam War.

    6. The front of my desk is open and facing a hallway, so when I wear mini skirts, I feel like everyone walking down the hall can see up my skirt! But none of the women in my office wear pants or tea-length skirts. Help!

      1. Funny you post this. In law school, I had a summer job working for a male attorney whose wife had been a trailblazer in the medical profession back in the day. He was ordering me a new desk and made sure to order it with the “modesty panel.” I was laughing at the antiquated name and I can’t remember what his words were in response. He always had a very eloquent way of speaking. The gist of it was he loved and couldn’t wait to tell his wife that today’s new employees just assumed desks were closed and didn’t realize that women had fought in the past to not have their legs visible to those passing by. (My desk was in an alcove of a busy hallway.) At the time I thought he was just being silly but to really think about it now, it is nice to not have to cross my legs all day!

        1. Hahahahaha. Yeah, my desk is wide open and on skirts and dresses days I have to be really conscious of where my legs are all day.

      2. Add a fabric skirt in a neutral color across the front. You might be able to din curtains on line that will be the correct length and will work. You can always hem the skirt with iron on tape. Use velcro or a tension rod or whatever to make it work. Or ask your employer for a different desk. And if people give you a hard time about the skirt, or ask why, say you are hiding the trash can, your box of supplies, a puppy, etc. And change the subject.

        1. I think that was meant to be phrased as a question from a long time ago… but I would love to tell people I am hiding a puppy under my desk!

      2. I actually had this amazing RED IBM Selectric in one of my secretarial jobs. I loved that thing so much…

    8. Probably something like “I’m afraid I’ll get fired for being pregnant, what do I do?”

      At my last job (at a public accounting firm) I remember some of the women who had worked there for decades talking about how when they first started they weren’t allowed to sit in office chairs with arms on them, because those were for men. It was nonsensical to me. I think it had something to do with typewriters? Like you can’t type as well if your chair has arms on it and only women type? So women’s chairs didnt have arms and mens chairs did?

    9. “I burned my bra at a rally over the weekend, and now my pussybow blouse is a little too scandalous. How do I maintain the line between my activism and my professional attire?! And also, is my boss’s whisky bottle professional?”

    10. this is an interesting question, and made me think…what a great resource the archives of this site will be, 20 years from now. The comments section could be turned into a book–What it was REALLY like to be a Professional Woman in the 2000’s.

    11. This happened to my mom, she was born in 1933, so maybe more than 50 years ago. I will phrase it in the form of a question.

      Dear Advice Person,

      When I was in high school, I was invited by a former schoolmate to stay at her house overnight while I toured Yale. Her father is a professor there. During the night, the father climbed into bed with me. I managed to fight him off but it was still very distressing because I know if anyone found us, that would be the end of my Yale bid. I should go to Vassar instead, right?

      And of course she went to Vassar instead. And never told anyone, until she told me about it last year during the Kavanaugh hearings.

      1. For future reference when you’re sharing this anecdote, Yale didn’t admit women undergraduates until 1968. Maybe you’ve mistyped your mom’s birth year or maybe she was telling a story about applying to grad school (Yale first admitted women to graduate and professional schools in the late 1800s/early 1900s)– but you’re going to undermine your very important point if you keep telling the story this way.

        1. True… I thought about that after I posted… I don’t remember the exact details, she told me last year. I remember it was some academic opportunity, it was a friend’s father who was a professor, and she worried about adverse effects on herself. And the “crawled into bed with me” stuck in my mind too. I will leave it like that, this is certainly not a cocktail party story I am telling over and over.

        2. I really appreciate that your post didn’t attack the veracity of her mother’s story. You managed to point out factual inconsistencies without suggesting that the entire story is untrue. This was nicely done and much more appropriate than the alternative. I’m glad you are on this message board with me. :)

  10. What are your morning routines, from bed to out the door? Any tips or tricks to keep things moving?

    Recently I’ve hit a period of sluggishness and insomnia and am taking 90 + mins to browse this si te, shower, heat up premade omelette and have breakfast, dry hair, dress and get out the door. It used to be 30 minutes for the same, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel so unproductive and unmotivated and like I can’t focus.

    1. Stop going on here first thing in the morning, that’s an easy change. I charge my phone downstairs so I don’t wake up and autopilot to browsing my phone in bed, I can get out the door in under 30 minutes, but I shower at night and eat breakfast at work.

      1. +1 it takes me 20-30 minutes to get ready in the morning (shower at night, breakfast at work), but if I try to read anything other than messages on my phone I will lose track of time and be late.

    2. On both weekdays and Sundays (when I have to be at church by 10 for rehearsal), I do build in some time to just sit with my laptop or watch sports news and drink my coffee. BUT, I have the timing down. For example, in the morning, I have to be out of bed (not laying in bed looking at my phone) by 6:10 at the latest. I have to get off the bed, brush my teeth and get dressed by about 7:30 to get to work on time. On Sundays, I have to be in the shower by 8:30 and out the door by 9:40.

    3. I’m 30-45 minutes from wake to leaving, including shower, prep and eat breakfast, wash hair (the variable 15 min). If something needs to be ironed, I don’t wear it. Like 9:34 I suggest the easy change of not going on sites and focusing on your routine. Music may help to cheer and energize you out of your slugishness.

      Massive, massive difference in my sleep has been no phone screens about 1.5-2 hours before bed (quick text okay if something is happening).

    4. I’m shocked you did all that in 30 mins before. Maybe cut out reading this site, but otherwise, maybe just give yourself more time?

    5. Up at 6, make breakfast, start eating around 6:15-6:20, finish eating around 6:30, wash egg pan and take care of dishes, wash face, brush teeth, put on makeup, try to finish all that by 7 (but sometimes I run late because the eyeshadow will not cooperate), get dressed, leave by 7:20. I used to be out the door earlier, like 7:10 or 7:15, but I’ve gotten lazier too, plus I’ve added more bits of makeup to the routine over time.

      It helps that I shower at night so I don’t have to worry about that bit, or drying my hair after.

    6. Up at 5:30, throw on sweats and walk dog. Return from walk, shower and wash hair. Lounge in robe with a cup of coffee and watch local news/read WaPo on my iPad. Dress, dry hair, apply makeup. Put lunch (prepared night before) in insulated bag. Take dog out again for a quick pee. Leave house at 7.

      I lay out my clothes and shoes the night before. This is a HUGE time saver.

    7. I get sluggish like that when I’m not really looking forward to work. Could that be part of what’s going on here?

      Otherwise, I agree to skip checking this site and limiting your phone/laptop to one or two must-check apps. For me, I’ll only open up work email or personal texts in the morning; web browser and social media have to wait until I’m out the door. Otherwise I just get sucked in.

    8. I am not a morning person! but need to be out of my house by 8 for work. My first alarm goes off at 7:15, I lay in bed for 5 or 10 minutes and then hop in the shower, take a 15-20 minute shower, sit in bed reading emails for a little while until I realize it is 7:45, get dressed and put on my make-up, run downstairs to feed the cat and get my lunch out of the fridge (pre-made the night before), and then run out the door. I eat breakfast at work and can get the morning down to 30 minutes if I need to.

    9. Hello, least morning person ever here. It takes me two – two and a half hours to get out of the house in the morning. I set a million alarms spaced at 15 minute increments and snooze them all for who knows how long, once I finally pry my eyes open, I have to just lay in bed and check my phone because I can’t imagine functioning yet, then I’m up and let the dogs out, work out (30 minutes), feed the dogs, shower and prep (30+ minutes), let the dogs back out, choose clothes and run a light iron over them (20 mins – mostly because I have to go downstairs and see what’s clean in the laundry room, try on different things, etc), make a smoothie, take my vitamins, pack my lunch…yeah, mornings are just really slow for me. Thankfully, my employer is chill on seat time, so I come in normally around 10 and leave around 7.

      FWIW, my husband is one of those people who hops up the moment his one alarm at 5 am goes off.

      Also FWIW, I’ve always been bad in the mornings, but getting older + Zoloft has made me so.much.slower.

      1. I’m so glad you wrote this, as I was starting to feel like a terrible human at all these people getting up and being so productive in the morning. I’m on the struggle bus getting up – and I literally only make my hair presentable, let the dogs out, put on clothes, and may scrounge up enough energy for some eyeliner.

    10. I am not a morning person, but I want to throw out one kind of ridiculous thing I do…. When I make coffee in the morning, I put a few ice cubes in first, then I make a more concentrated brew than I usually do (since the ice dilutes it), add a splash of oat milk, and then literally drink it 10 seconds or less using a metal straw lol. I need it in me ASAP

    11. Wake up at 4am, bathroom, brush teeth, put on workout clothes. Turn on coffee, empty dishwasher, start laundry.
      4:30–leave for gym
      6:30-home, switch laundry, start breakfast/lunches for kids, cut up fruit, etc. 7am kids up— get everyone dressed and out by 7:30
      8am—shower
      8:20–leave for work
      9:15–coffee, arrive at work (makeup at my desk)

  11. Is the sizing on this right? the chart says an XL is only a size 8?! I am a pretty solid 14 and would love to buy this. Typically XL fits me well at BR and AT (and L fits in some tops), but now I am rethinking. I don’t know this brand.

    1. That has to be wrong. I am typically an 8 and I wear a medium in this brand.

  12. Time for some first world problems: what do you do with cash reimbursements?

    At my firm, out of pockets under $100 are distributed in cash. I really rarely use cash anymore, and I carry a small card case instead of a wallet, so it often gets stuck in the pocket of my purse or a desk drawer. Does anyone here have a good idea/system for how they deal with cash?

    1. I treat <$100 reimbursements (and larger, if I can swing it) as "free" money. I'd set it all aside and use it as a "fun emergency" fund– e.g. save it up until you have enough to go to a splurge restaurant, or buy a particular piece of clothing you've been eyeing.

    3. You put it in your purse and spend it when you need to buy things.

      You can also put small bills in your car for tolls, car washes, gas, etc. Go to the bank and get some of the bills exchanged for quarters for parking meters.

    4. Not a system, but a suggestion is holding onto it in a drawer or somewhere safe for the times you need cash—I’m thinking of things like gifts to assistants and doormen around the holiday season. You could also just deposit it back to your account via ATMs.

      I always just keep cash in my purse in a separate pouch with other small items and then don’t have to scramble when we need valet tips or when I’m buying a coffee from a place that has a credit card minimum.

    5. I don’t get cash reimbursements, but my husband and I usually have about $800 in cash at home at any one time. About $600 of that is in the same locked fireproof box as our passports, birth certificates, marriage license, etc. and the other $200 lives in my husband’s sock drawer. We also don’t use that much cash, but it does come up and it’s helpful to keep it around for these occasions – for example, we went to a charity event this weekend with open bar, and were able to just grab some cash from the sock drawer stash to tip the bartenders there. I’ll also save my cash up for certain holiday gifts – my assistant at work, hairdresser, our cleaning person, etc. I know they each appreciate the cash more than a gift card.

    6. As much as possible, I would group my reimbursements so I’m usually over the $100 limit. For example, if you’re going to a conference out of town, submit your hotel, travel expenses, and meals all at the same time. If you’re parking at the courthouse for a two-week trial, submit all your parking receipts at the end of the trial.

    7. Just deposit at the bank. You get points for spending on a credit card and you’ll be less likely to make last-minute frivolous purchases. Otherwise put it in your emergency kit.

    8. My nail salon offers a cash discount so most of my cash goes to pedicures.

      Also depends on your city, but I’m in Philly so there’s lots of bars/restaurants that are still cash only. Makes beers or dinner feel free!

    9. I have this exotic thing called a wallet, and I place cash inside it. Then i use it to purchase things. (All kidding aside, this post makes me feel so old. I can’t imagine not ever using cash. Maybe this is partly because in my NYC neighborhood a lot of places are either cash only or cash only under $10-15.)

      1. Is this really a young people thing? I’m late 30s and haven’t carried cash in over a decade. I’d take the money to the bank because I wouldn’t want to miss out on credit card points.

        1. I am 40+ and have also rarely used cash in more than a decade, but I always carry some in case of emergency or a cab or food truck with a sketchy-looking credit card reader.

        2. I can’t tip my manicurist with a card, or buy a muffin at my coffee shop, or put something in the collection plate at church so yes, I usually have some cash.

          1. I don’t go to church, but I definitely tip my nail person and buy a muffin with a credit card. In my small Midwest city all the small business either have regular credit card machines or use Square. Even at our local farmers market, all the venders take credit cards.

        3. I think it is location dependent. In some cities, there are a lot of family-owned or small businesses that don’t take credit cards under a certain amount, often $5 or $10. In others, pretty much everywhere takes credit cards. Because I go to some smaller businesses that don’t take cards, I always carry some cash on me.

        4. This. I’m 39. I only use cash when I need to send in $$ for a school field trip or to pay my cleaners who prefer to be paid in cash. Everything else is credit card for airline points. Credit card autodeducts from bank account each month.

        5. Well glad to hear that this is not aging-related I guess. It made me feel like I live on Mars, but perhaps it really is just location/lifestyle dependent.

    10. If there’s ever a major power outage lasting days in your area, you will definitely need cash. Keep some in your car and some in your home just in case. Also, have bills of smaller denominations available unless you want to pay $20 for a bag of tortilla chips.

      Signed, a Californian

    11. Honestly what is the matter with you? Either spend it or walk yourself over to your bank and deposit it. This is not hard at all.

    12. Cash at my house gets used to pay babysitters, tip valets, plug parking meters that are not on apps, and play cards. I grew up in a family where getting cash on Friday afternoon/evening was a ritual (because back then banks were closed on weekends and there were no ATM machines) and I cannot wrap my head around never having cash.

    13. I keep $40 or less in cash in my wallet for emergencies and deposit everything else in the bank.

    14. I keep large bills at home for Christmas envelopes and use smaller bills to tip in cash at restaurants.

    15. I make an effort to use cash at small local businesses since they often have to pay a per-purchase credit card fee. I’d rather that that money stay with a local business I support instead of going to Discover or Visa or wherever.

      2. Well, it actually goes to you, not the credit card company. Most credit card fees are 1.5-3%, which is what a good credit card will give you in rewards. So it’s fine to make this choice, but definitely recognize that it’s coming out of your own pocket, not Visa’s pocket.
        I have to say, I think a lot of people that ask for payment in cash are doing it to dodge taxes, not just credit card fees, and I don’t want to support that. I totally understanding having a credit card minimum so people can’t buy a $1 donut with a credit card, but I’m talking about places like nail salons that specifically request tips in cash. If you think they’re paying taxes on that money, I think you’re extremely naive.

        1. I’m talking about local cafes and coffee shops, etc. I’m fairly confident the places I frequent are paying taxes, even on cash transactions. They don’t require cash, I choose to use it to save them the fees. It’s an easy way for me to support local businesses, albeit in a small way.

        2. Also, I don’t know any credit cards that give 3% cash back on all purchases. The credit card companies are certainly getting a piece. And regardless of where it ends up, Visa is costing the business the fee.

        1. Ok, you don’t have to be wealthy to stay in a hotel and if you stay in a hotel there is definitely somebody cleaning your room when you leave.

      2. Some people’s jobs involve little to no travel so no point in keeping cash on hand to tip hotel housekeepers once a year on vacation – just take it out right before vacation. I don’t vacation domestically anyway as I want to be out of cell phone range so the office leaves me alone.

        For valets – plenty of people either don’t use cars (NYC) or live in areas where parking isn’t an issue and valets are uncommon (midwest)

  13. I had an interview yesterday, for which I wore my standard gray interview pantsuit. They want me to come back next week for a second interview with the next tier director of the business unit.

    Should I wear the gray suit with a different top? Or should I pull out one of the two black skirt suits? One is a very heavy-looking polyester shantung; the other is a black & white print in cotton with a little bit of stretch.

    1. You can just wear your previous outfit, or anything that’s formal enough. It’s not that important.

      1. You can just wear your previous outfit, or anything that’s formal enough. It’s not that important.

    2. I’d rewear the gray suit with a different top. The first of the black suits sounds too heavy-dressy, and the second too summery. The likelihood of anyone noticing, much less caring about, a repeated suit is minimal IMHO.

    3. Agree. If you wear a top and jewelry (if that’s your thing) different enough with the gray suit, it’ll feel like a different outfit. Depending on the position, I suppose a suit jacket over a sheath dress (if you have one) could also hit the level of formality called for.

    4. I agree that it’s fine to repeat the suit (varying your top/accessories), but personally feel more comfortable varying my interview outfit as often there is someone from HR who sits in on all interviews or escorts you to/from all interviews. In your case, I like the idea of a dress + jacket combo as an alternative.

  14. Does anyone have a recommendation for a good coffee mug or thermos that will just keep my coffee warm while I’m at my desk and is ideally easy to clean? Doesn’t need to be leakproof or anything as I don’t carry it anywhere—just something that can stop my 10am cup of coffee from being cold by 11:30am. TIA!

    1. There are actually things called mug warmers, that you can put your mug on and it keeps them warm! I’ve never used one, but I have friends who do

      2. Coffee makers that “keep the coffee warm” in this way always make the coffee taste terrible in my experience, so I would be concerned a mug warmer might do the same.

    2. Yeti makes a mug that looks somewhat like a coffee cup with a handle. It’s dishwasher safe. I’d use it without the lid probably, just for the feel, but I bet it keeps things warmer better than the standard office mug. I have seen coworkers with them and been jealous.

      1. The yeti mugs and tumblers are wonderful. They do keep things really hot or really cold. I have noticed if I put some fragrant tea in mine, the smell sticks a little. I only hand wash it though since I don’t make enough dishes for the dishwasher.

    3. Yes! The Ember mug. It’s a little silly, but I love mine. It’s attractive, and you can adjust the temperature via app. :)

    4. I use the Thermos brand 16 Oz “commuter bottle.” It will keep coffee hot all day.

    5. If that’s all you want, any thermos type mug will accomplish this. I recommend stopping by a thrift store, perusing the 50 or so thermoses they will have there, and paying $1 for whichever one appeals the most. Bonus points if it’s branded with some ridiculous conference or a defunct bank. Then use the $19 you saved for donuts go to with that coffee.

    6. Contigo travel mugs are really nice. If you look in the camping and/or lunch box sections at your superstore of choice, you will also find a variety of sizes and colors of insulated water bottles, travel mugs, growlers, and short mugs.

        1. I think it depends on the style. Some of them look like a mess, but one I had a few years ago was really easy to clean out and didn’t have so many nooks and crannies.

    7. Zojirushi all the way. I bought mine for the no-leak feature, but also keeps my coffee piping hot way past 10:00 a.m.

  15. Wondering if anyone else has this problem and/or solutions to solve it:

    I have long hair and want to have long hair. In my entire life, I’ve been able to find exactly one hairdresser (who just moved away) who does NOT hack off 4-5 inches, minimum, per “trim.” I’ve spent a lot of my adult life cutting my own hair to avoid the (literal) hack job. This isn’t an issue of taking off unhealthy hair (and if it is, I think they should communicate that, not just take my hair off); they just think I should have shorter hair.

    How does one deal with this?

    1. Do you ask for a “trim” or do you say “I want to retain the length, please cut only half an inch.” The latter — plus having the stylist show you with your & her fingers the amount of hair she’ll be trimming — has never led to disappointment for me.

      1. Yeah, you have to be specific and emphasize that you want to keep as much length as possible. I’ll show them where I want the length to fall where they’re done.

      2. I use the word “dusting” instead of trim. So, “I want you to dust my ends, but I can’t give up more than a 1/2 an inch.” Or an inch, whatever you are comfortable with.

    2. I tell my stylist that I want to walk out of the salon and look like I didn’t get my haircut. That’s how little I expect to be taken off.

    3. ‘Please trim only one inch. If you think it’s necessary to trim more, let’s discuss first.”

      If you are doing haircuts yourself and rarely go to a professional, they may have a different view of how much needs to be trimmed but they should 100% be discussing it with you first. To be really frank, there are two women at my office with quite long hair and it really doesn’t look healthy when they were it down as the last third is filled with dried out split ends. Very long hair can be lovely but it requires a lot of work and regular trims to keep it looking healthy.

      1. This was my thought too. The stylist should absolutely be more communicative about “I think we need to cut more length than you want to, given the condition of your ends” before cutting it, but OP, it may be that the stylists are doing what they think is best given the health and condition of your hair. It may be worth asking a really honest friend what they think of your hair. Especially once we get past a certain age and our scalp produces less oil, long hair takes a lot of work to maintain.

        1. As I mentioned elsewhere, my last cut was about 12 weeks ago, and… I’ve had people walk up to me on the street and tell me how gorgeous my hair is.

          This whole thing is bizarre because the stylist will literally look at my hair, agree that one inch is fine to get rid of the ends, we do the “hold up the fingers” thing, and the next thing I know, there’s this massive pile of hair on the floor and I’ve lost a good amount of length.

          1. Get them to stop and have you re-confirm the length after the first piece is cut. And haircuts usually take at least 20 mins so you’re just going to have to watch closely and tell them to stop anytime you think they might be cutting too much.

    4. OP here – both good suggestions.

      I do hold up my fingers, but I think the stylists tend to ignore me.

    5. One of my girlfriends gets her hair colored at her normal hair stylist, and gets it trimmed at Great Clips because her stylist kept “trimming” way more than she wanted, and I love her hair.

    6. Do you have a pretty basic cut? If so, I think somewhere like Great Clips may actually be perfect for this because, in my experience, they are a lot better at taking direction and less about the “vision”.

      Otherwise, when I want to keep the length of my hair, I tell my stylist that I just want the split ends cut but want to keep as much length as possible. I’ve never had a problem with that approach. If your stylist isn’t listening to you, you need a new one.

    7. I don’t have a solution, only a thought. Because I wear my hair long too I’d always wait a long time between trims (6mo-1yr sometimes more).
      By the time I went there was a genuine need for
      4-6 inches to come off. The stylist explained that split ends will travel upward, thus necessitating the deeper cut vs trim.
      For the past 3 years I’ve been going every 12 weeks and it it just a dusting of split ends and my hair looks continually healthy with a clean edge.
      YMMV

      1. OP here.

        As I said in the original post, this is not an issue of needing to cut the split ends off, and if it is, the stylist should explain that. I had a cut 12 weeks ago and the (expletive) stylist cut 4 freakin inches off.

        1. You seem a little more upset about this than I think is warranted, TBH. Now that you know it’s an issue, be clearer with your stylist. Use your words and ask for what you want. “I only want this much trimmed off (hold up fingers) and if you feel the need to trim more than that, please tell me first so we can talk about it.” And if they don’t do that, complain to the salon owner or leave a negative Yelp review.

          2. Accusing someone else of being a little more upset about this than you think is warranted when you were obviously too upset to even bother reading the full thread before jumping down someone else’s throat is a bad look.

          3. I did, and I’m honestly not clear why the OP posted this, other than to vent. Her every response is “I already did that and no one listened to me!!!” It doesn’t seem like this was really about wanting advice? I also stand by the statement that she seems super-raw about this and is perseverating on it in a way that is probably not serving her.

          4. Anon at 11:55 – moderation made my post come through after the OP posted clarifications. Have you not been on the board long enough to see how moderation works here? Maybe take your own advice about “jumping down someone’s throat” and “being too upset” to read appropriately.

        3. You need to tell them to stop if they start cutting too much. Even if they cut too much on the very first cut, they can blend it and even it out without taking too much overall.

          You’re likely to have better luck at inexpensive haircut places. Very long hair is not a higher end or super chic look so stylists that base their business on referrals are more likely to give you a cut in line with what they think is stylish or represents their business well.

    8. It honestly might be a matter of finding the right stylist who likes long hair and has an interest in preserving it, versus wanting ensure their clients fit a certain standard (that’s probably not the right word, but ugh, my brain today). I might even want to chat with a stylist before any hair is cut or even wet down, specify you only want to cut off the unhealthy hair, you only want two inches, but you want to keep it as long as possible.

        1. This comment suggests that you say “only want two inches” and “only want to cut off the unhealthy hair”. Those things can be totally mutally exclusive so it’s unclear instructions for the stylish. You literally have to say “I’ve had bad experiences with too much hair being cut off before. I do not want you to cut more than X inches, okay?” And then if they don’t expressly agree or if they say they need to cut more to keep it healthy – you can discuss and agree on what exactly they will do.

          2. To clarify, I specified an inch, and was rather clear that it had been cut about three months ago.

          3. Could the issue be wet versus dry? I was getting too much cut off but if I said I wanted 2 inches off she was taking two inches off wet, that dry was more like 4 inches.

          4. OP – what are you looking for here, seriously? Do you think we have a set of magic words to give you that will make the stylists not cut off more hair than you want them to?

          5. Honestly…as a former hairdresser, I used to use a comb that had a ruler marked along the back of it, specifically so that when the long haired clients started shrieking they wanted an inch and I took way more, I could pick the cut hair up off the floor, lay it on the comb ruler and show them I took an inch. Most people are VERY bad at estimating measurements on hair, and what most clients think is an “inch” is really about a quarter inch.
            Just something to consider.

    9. Do you have a hair school in your area? I find they are good about doing as you ask and an instructor generally checks their work. In my area, a shampoo, trim and dry runs $10 and I tip an additional $10. So, for $20 I have a nice haircut and the salon in the school is surprisingly nice as well.

      2. This was going to be my suggestion. I go to a beauty school because 1.) the price is great, and 2.) their grade depends on a happy customer. Plus, students cycle in and out, so you don’t ever end up with a burned-out stylist on autopilot who just starts mindlessly hacking.

        The only drawback is that you pay in time, because they’re still learning and can’t work quickly.

  16. Gotta get this off my chest, I got laid off first thing this morning. I saw it coming, they were honest about the company not doing well and needing to make staff cuts, and my line of work is usually impacted in these situations, but I still feel emotional trying to process it, which seems silly because I’d been bracing myself for the ax to drop, I already have second-round phone interviews lined up for later this week. Even if they did end up keeping me, I was planning to leave if one of these companies offered me a job, my pay here hasn’t been great. So why am I sad? If anything I should feel relieved.

    On the bright side, the severance seems really generous considering my tenure and the level of my position, and I’m fairly confident I’ll land a new job before it runs out. I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed and cranky these days, I could use a break anyway, even if it’s (hopefully) just a couple weeks or so between jobs. Plus, I can get my workouts in during the day while most people are at work, when I don’t have interviews anyway.

    1. It’s hard because they chose it, not you. Give yourself time to be sad about it. Hugs to you.

    2. Ugh. I’m sorry that this happened. Transitions – even ones that are moves towards better things – are tough! You get a day (or a few days) to be sad, upset, shocked, etc.
      It sounds like you’re doing everything you need to do to move forward. So knock ’em dead at those interviews, and take some time for yourself in the interim.

    3. So sorry to hear this, I think it’s normal to be sad even though you were looking to leave and maybe saw it coming. Good luck on your second round interviews this week!

    5. I’m so sorry. Even when you see it coming, getting laid off is a blow and it’s okay to feel sad/angry/shocked, etc. I think we have a tendency to hold on to hope even in the face of evidence that hope isn’t a great idea. Best of luck and I am sure you won’t be out of work for long.

    6. Sorry you have to go through this. I’ve been through it too. Even when you suspect it’s coming, it’s very painful. I think it’s because it feels like a judgement of one’s worth. Also I hated telling people what had happened and felt some shame about it. But you should not feel shame. Feel good about what you have lined up and believe in your skills and your worth. Good luck!

    7. It is painful, so be good to yourself. Enjoy the extra workouts! Hope that you end up in a better job, higher pay and very quickly.

  17. I feel like I’ve been really struggling to eat healthy and workout the last few weeks. I feel awful, tired, bloated but I’m having a hard time getting back on track. I keep sleeping through planned workouts (and I feel like I am getting plenty of sleep, it just doesn’t seem like enough). I have been focusing on drinking water and I am planning on going to a yoga class tonight but I need more. Any advice? I think I need small steps because trying to get back into my normal routine seems daunting.

    1. I feel you on this. I’m injured, sick, and dealing with wildfire smoke at the moment and working out in my normal routine feels insurmountable (and impossible atm). I’m going to try walking and stretching more, including brief yoga videos at home, and hope that the benefits will inspire me to step it up as soon as I’m able. Also, do you have fun physical hobbies you can get back into (such as swimming or tennis)?

    2. I don’t know if this is you, but as I’ve gotten older (I’m late 30s) I’ve found my body has pretty much no tolerance for sugar or alcohol. Sure, I can have a homemade baked good now and then or a beer or a glass of wine a couple times a month, but more than that and all your words – awful, tired, bloated – describe me. (And btw, I was no nutrition saint growing up, not even close.)

      1. This is me, too (I’m 38). The flip side is that if I cut/reduce sugar and alcohol, I feel a big improvement quickly.

        I have a sweet tooth, so I moved up my daily treat from after dinner to replace my mid-afternoon snack. I’m much more likely to stop at just one cookie during the day. Now, I make decaf or herbal tea after dinner and sip that over an hour or so. It helps me avoid snacking and stay hydrated. And once I’m feeling less bloated, I find it easier to get up and out to workout.

    3. Yoga is a good start, but you should find something with more cardio or weights, like barre or spin class – but you can work up to that from yoga, if that’s what you’re motivated to do right now. Maybe buy yourself a new pair of sport leggings or a cute water bottle to get you excited to work out, or maybe you need a studio that charges you a fee for late cancellations so you only bail if you really, really need to. Ask your friends what they do and ask if you can join them, if that adds extra motivation (assuming you’d feel any guilt over canceling social plans at the last minute). You can do this!

    4. I’d aim to catch up your sleep first, then worry about the workouts. You may “think” you’re getting enough, but for whatever reason – stress? poor sleep quality? depression? – your body is telling you you’re not.

      1. This is good advice. I went through a period of this and kept telling myself that I just needed to push through or catch up on sleep. It turned out to be depression. Going on meds was exactly what I needed to climb out of the funk I was in. Depression isn’t always feeling sad. Sometimes it’s always feeling worn out.

    5. Working out with a personal trainer has been key for me. It’s so expensive that there’s no way I’m going to cancel at the last minute. When I’m working out more I tend to eat healthier because it makes me more conscious of fueling my body in a healthy way. I try to limit myself to one treat a day so I don’t feel deprived (like one chocolate bar or two cookies but not both).

    7. Has your sleeping situation changed in a way that does not allow for truly restful sleep? Do you need to prop up in bed to get through fall allergy season, or wear earplugs to sleep through garbage trucks, or change your house air filters? Anything in your environment that isn’t quite the same, versus inside your own body?

    8. Thank you everyone. My usual routine involves spin and weights but I haven’t felt up to it so I’m hoping yoga might help. I don’t think anything has changed except the weather (so I probably need to up my Vitamin D) but maybe I’ll try making some soup over the weekend so I’m eating healthy cold weather comfort food.

      1. Yoga is definitely a good start. But if you’re used to cardio, try getting on a sitting stationary bikes with a book and going at a low resistance for 20 minutes or so. This is low impact for a short amount of time, which might boost your energy levels just enough to get you motivated to get back into your normal routine again. Walking on the treadmill will do the same. You’re still doing something, even if it’s not what you usually do. Listen to your body and don’t be too hard on yourself. Once you start getting a little more exercise in, you may start to make healthier food choices throughout the day.

  18. Any out-of-the-box ideas for increasing diversity in a law firm? We’ve finally got management in place that is committee to this issue, and while they are doing the usual things they’ve suggested they’re open to other ideas. Is your workplace doing any noteworthy recruiting efforts or initiatives to increase diversity?

    1. When diverse people apply, hire them. You don’t need fancy lip service initiatives. And when people in your firm are casually racist, fire them.

      1. Not trying to be fancy. Just looking for other ways to identify and recruit diverse talent. Diverse law students going through the OCI process are highly sought after by law firms. But we all know there are many other talented and qualified diverse candidates out there, so we’re looking for ways to reach them.

        1. Do you recruit at your local state school? Co-sponser events at a local school with diverse student affiliation groups?

          1. Also try recruiting at night school. Good way to scout out smart single moms and immigrant students who have to work during the day.

      2. I sort of want angels to descend from the sky with trumpets while this post is read.

        The *only* other thing I can add is that there is sometimes a desire to hire less-qualified ‘diversity’ candidates – and before anyone jumps down my throat, let me explain. The really high-powered diversity candidates sometimes have more trouble being hired, because they are more, not less, intimidating to the powers-that-be. (I saw this a LOT as a woman in engineering.) Then the diversity candidates who are hired aren’t just quite full of the same drive or have quite the same firepower, and it’s then easier to not promote them.

        You solve this by doing an assessment of who applies, is interviewed, and is hired. If a diversity candidate looks like a superstar on paper and ‘didn’t interview well,’ ask some probing questions.

        1. I’m sorry I don’t buy the line that the best diverse candidates aren’t hired because they’re too intimidating. I have never ever seen this – if anything this results in diverse candidates typically having higher qualifications on paper than non-diverse candidates. I see this all the time in big law. All the people of color and many of the women and/or international candidates are from top 10 law schools but Connor in the corner when to Ohio State.

          1. I’ve had the opposite experience. All the white men are from top five schools and some of the women and the diverse candidates are from schools ranked 25-50, not that I’m saying they were less qualified or did lower quality work. But that firm had a huge diversity problem, so they were willing to go to different places to recruit diverse candidates.

          2. I have seen it happen, and regardless of our own personal beliefs, it is important that the hiring process be audited. Plenty of 28-year-old third-year associates evaluate and hire based on their own personal preferences (‘like me’ hiring), not on what is best for the firm, what helps with client development, or to develop different voices and skillsets within the firm.

      3. I assume you mean hire them if they’re qualified, not if they apply and happen to have a certain skin color. I don’t believe that characteristics are qualifications. Agree on firing casual racists.

        2. I think it’s also important to look at what counts as a a qualification and consider whether any are serving as proxies for certain kinds of background. It often happens that someone is fully qualified to do the work of the job, but has not accumulated as many resume lines as someone who started off with more privilege and more resources.

          2. This analysis requires that the people who make hiring decisions be acquainted with concepts such as privilege, bias and stereotype threat. I feel like we’ve been discussing these for years, but a lot of people haven’t heard of them! They want to make changes? They need to educate themselves. There are short presentations (hiring bias intervention), that when given to a hiring committee at the start of the process, have been effective in reducing bias and improving the pool, the shortlist, diversity of people receiving offers and acceptance rate.

      4. I’ve got to agree with this. I’m a WOC that has worked in big law and the “diversity committee” simply wouldn’t listen to the actual employees “hire diverse candidates, staff them on similar cases as non-diverse employees, and get rid of or at the very least meaningfully reprimand the sexist and racist associates and partners”. We were almost universally from Ivies so it wasn’t a work quality issue. Across the board the short answer is “we just want to not work in a hostile work environment.”

        If you’re having issues with recruitment, usually the answer lies in elitest recruiting. There are great attorney candidates at Local or State U and HBCUs – lots smart people attend due to cost not prestige.

        1. When we did an analysis on who makes it to partner at our firm, we found that being high in the class at a Local or State U was a strong predictor of good reviews and longevity at our firm. Being an Ivy League grad was actually a predictor of being a short-timer. We also found that being older and having an established career before law school were correlated with the same things. That information really helped to break down the bias at my firm in favor of Ivy League JDs and pushed people to give due consideration to nontraditional candidates.

          We’re currently doing a data analysis project on the experience of diverse associates at the firm, based on in-person interviews, and practice group leader evaluations (including bonus consideration) are based in part on group performance with respect to mentoring and advancing diverse associates.

          1. This is really interesting and something I hope more firms do! I would love to hear more about how this got started.

          2. Obvious this is sensitive but to the extent you can publish the results in even a very general Law369-type article in “five findings to bolster diverse recruiting and inclusion” please do

    3. If you see a candidate who’s female or a person of color, or trans, or maybe seems to have come from poverty and had a non-traditional path to where they are now, and they’re almost qualified but not quite (lacking a couple years of experience, didn’t attend a top-tier school, lacking one key skill on paper, etc.), consider them anyway, get them in the first step in the process and see what happens. If a woman comes in for an interview, make sure she talks to at least one woman while she’s in, I remember losing a great candidate because she didn’t speak to a single woman while she was here and it really turned her off. Same goes for people of color, get some racial diversity on the interview panel if you can.

      1. I think that’s a good point – that you should have women interview women not because men aren’t qualified, but because the candidate is also interviewing you. I could definitely see a lot of women being turned off by a big bro scene at the interview stage.

      2. +1 I interviewed at a firm that initially seemed great, and as I was walking through the halls of the department I was interviewing for, I didn’t see one female name plate. I literally asked “do you have any female attorneys in this department”? The answer was a sheepish “well we had one but she went to work in a small town after her husband got a fire fighting job there.” Not great impreesion.

        I will add, however, that throwing in a random interviewer that is not anywhere aligned with your interests or field is a super obvious “through the diverse attorney at them” and is a major red flag to me that there is no one else. I am a corporate attorney and they had a WOC of counsel employment attorney interview me who emphasized how much she likes being able to work 8 hrs and go home to her baby (to a 24 yr old single woman). It was an awkward interview.

        1. That’s fair! Maybe if you really can’t diversify the interview panel, you could have them just meet someone at the company, even just to introduce them.

    4. Two things come to mind: 1) have some training sessions on unconscious bias and make these trainings mandatory (most effective way is to just discuss what the various stereotypes against Asians/Hispanics/African Americans at work are so that people are aware of them). 2) have a special mentoring program for diverse associates where a white man/woman who is a partner is assigned to take a diverse attorney out to lunch once a month, or somehow responsible for that attorney’s growth.

    5. I read an article the other day (I think it was from Higher Education Chronicle, but I’m not 100%) about an initiative to increase diversity that worked by requiring all candidates to submit a statement in response to a question about diversity in their field (something like “how would you promote diversity of ideas in the classroom”/”how would you support marginalized students in your role as professor”).

      Candidates were screened for their response to that question before anyone looked at their CVs or other qualifications. In addition to dramatically increasing the diversity of the staff, they also slowly built a team that prioritized and understood the importance of diversity.

      1. Meh, I’m on the fence about that. When I did professor evaluations in grad school, a lot of the questions were “agree or disagree, this professor valued diverse perspectives in the classroom” and “this professor was a social justice advocate” and things like that. I felt like it could unfairly penalize professors in certain lecture-heavy fields, such as statistics, where SJ was really not a topic in the classroom AT ALL. Obviously it can be more nuanced, but the evaluation was SO heavy in the other direction that it felt like lip service and a distraction.

        1. This was asking candidates, not asking students to evaluate anyone on it. Even a professor who would have no content reason to bring up social justice issues in a lecture should still have an answer about how they would support marginalized students. Plenty of women in STEM have stories about professors seeing them as less capable or a bad fit for the field; presumably addressing such issues in the application process could help to prioritize faculty who actively work against those sentiments.

          1. Sure, but a statistics professor is there to teach statistics, not to promote diversity of ideas. It’s not a liberal arts subject.

          2. So then the question about diversity of ideas isn’t relevant to the field and you don’t use that particular question, you use a different one that is appropriate for their field, like the question about supporting marginalized students.

          3. The idea that STEM subjects are inherently objective and if you just focus on the science, you get a pass on engaging with the human side of things is precisely why academia is doing so badly at diversity.

          4. Anon at 1:04, no one is saying the sciences “get a pass,” but how many ways are there to interpret/have a different perspective on the definition of a standard deviation or a null hypothesis? I prefer Anon at 11:55’s approach about tailoring the questions better because stats professors (like others) should be able to identify and address problems marginalized students might be facing, such as food insecurity or inability to purchase textbooks or whatever else it may be.

          5. There is a lot of research all the way from the invention of IQ tests, through SATs and common text books, showing how the content of problem sets (story problems) can be harmful in terms of representation, stereotyping etc. While story problems are typically intended to make a concept more accessible to students through real life examples, they frequently draw examples from a certain socioeconomical sphere that only a portion of the student body actually can identify with, thereby missing the intended purpose completely. Like any educator, a statistics professor might want to check their lesson plan for problematic problems.
            Further, statistics has many, many pitfalls (choosing to use mean or median, normalizing correctly, representative sample vs. sampling bias) that are fundamental in obscuring causes and solutions for systemic bias, so I would actually thing a statistics class is a PERFECT setting to discuss such topics.

            All that being said, I am not a fan of student evaluations, since they are not a strong predictor for successful learning outcomes, but using them for promotion/pay decisions has been shown to perpetuate discrimination.

          6. anonshmanon, the purpose of a statistics class is not to teach about systematic bias. The purpose is to learn the foundations of statistics.

            Signed,

            Chemical engineer

          7. my earlier statement stands. As long as we continue to insist that ‘X subject is about the foundations of X, and therefore has nothing to do with the humans carrying out X’, nothing will change about inclusiveness and opportunities for all.
            Signed, PhD Chemist

      3. I don’t think something like that would work or be useful in a law firm environment. And a lot of candidates would balk at having to write a unique essay to apply – it’s not market for law firm interviews and is super easy to fake. Who would say “oh diversity is bad” – no one.

      4. I don’t ask for an essay in advance, but i ask every candidate, no matter their role, a question about diversity.

        I frequently ask a question along the lines of “describe a time when you saw or experienced an issue related to diversity in the workforce or in your personal life. please describe how it was handle and offer suggestions on how it could have been addressed better.”

        Candidates who say that they’ve never seen or experienced an issue related to diversity in the world do not get an offer, no matter how well they fit in other ways. If they give a weak answer, we ask pointed follow up questions.

        It’s also a good signal to candidates that we take diversity and inclusion seriously.

        We have very clear employee work place conduct policies that explicitly call out racist, sexist, otherwise discriminatory behavior. We have disciplined employees all the way up to termination for violating this policy.

        Our diversity numbers have improved dramatically as has the overall quality of our workforce. There were a lot of good candidates that were not applying because we were not seen as a good place to work.

    7. Impose structure on your hiring process – the standard biglaw interview process includes a lot of chatting about where a student went to school, what their hobbies are, etc. That type of interviewing often results in higher scores for candidates that interviewers unconsciously feel like are more like them. Think about the specific characteristics that make your lawyers successful and identify questions that will enable the candidate to talk about those characteristics. Require that every OCI interviewer use a specific question or questions with every candidate, and require that the interviewer summarize the candidate’s answers in the evaluation of the interview. It helps ensure some degree of a level playing field for each candidate.

      The other thing that you can do is have resumes anonymized to remove data that would identify candidate gender, ethnicity, religion, etc. before you review them. So the resume would not say “President of Black Law Students Association,” it would say “President of Major Student Organization.” You can do this with software but it’s probably easiest to have a human who is not involved in hiring do it. This would typically work better for laterals, where you’re looking at skills/experience more than academic credentials. That doesn’t guarantee more diversity but it helps force your recruitment team to focus on substantive factors and enables you to mitigate unconscious bias.

      I’m a partner in an AmLaw 50 firm and led a successful initiative to increase diversity in my practice group associate class, FWIW. We used the first strategy successfully and are considering the second after seeing some interesting data on success with it in other industries.

    8. As a non-white person, can we stop calling candidates “diverse”? A person is not diverse.

      2. It’s annoying but I don’t think we have a better shorthand that encompasses the full range of what law firms are looking for in terms of diversity. “Diverse” chafes a bit but it’s better than “minorities,” which is what people tended to use before (notwithstanding that women are the majority of the population). “POC” isn’t broad enough, since it doesn’t cover LGBTQ status, disability, gender, or religion. So IDK – what’s a better term?

        1. I’m not a POC but I have heard that the phrasing “person from a diverse background” is preferable to “diverse person.”

      3. Agree that one person isn’t diverse (reminds me of ‘ethnic’ as a descriptor!), but in the abstract, one can work towards a more diverse workforce or applicant pool.

    9. Send your recruiting info to specialty bar associations, such as the DHHBA (Deaf and Hard of Hearing Bar Assn). DHHBA members include law students and experienced attorneys.

  19. Recommendations for brands where I can simple full-length wedding gowns with minimal lace? I’m an apple, 5-8, size 8 in Banana Republic and Theory (sometimes 6 if I cut out all sugar for a month). I live in a country where wedding gowns are very sparkly and lacy and huge belle lines and cost $2,000+ to rent and weddings for regular folks easily cost upward of $50k. I’m tying to mitigate the extravaganza, and looking to find a way to get it shipped from the US or pick one up on my next business trip to NYC if possible.

    2. Hey there!
      I have friends who have had positive experiences with http://www.bhldn.com
      They have a store in NYC where you can make appointments, and have plenty of modern dresses under $2,000

    3. Check the dresses at Lovely. They have plenty of dresses in the $1,500 to $3,000 range that fit the bill you are looking for. I tend to find bhldn to be a bit more frou-frou with a lack of support and Lovely has a few great simple satin dresses.

    4. I bought my dress at bhldn as well. Super chill experience and they have tons of gowns that are very simple and comparatively inexpensive. You still have to make an appointment to try on the dresses at their showroom, but the ordering and (if needed) exchange process is very simple. Highly recommend if you want a dress shopping experience without all the extra stuff and stress

    5. Nordstrom has a good wedding department, too, if a local one in NYC has a bridal dept. (In DC, I highly recommend their bridal salon at Tysons.) A remarkable selection of gowns that seemed to cater more to the sophisticated bride who wasn’t looking for floof. My sample off the rack was $2k I think.

    6. Bhldn. Also, if you aren’t opposed to used, search for Amy Kuschel dresses–she had a number of designs that are pretty simple. She no longer has her own line, but does design stuff for Bhldn.

  20. If you or someone close to you has had to leave a job you loved/a dream job involuntarily — lay off; firing; restructuring; major issues with management etc. — how long (if at all) did you still think about that job or harbor “resentment” about how it went? Did you turn the page immediately upon finding the next gig? Or do you still have moments years later where you find yourself thinking about what might have been, how unfair it was, or whatever?

    This hit me out of nowhere this week as I just realized I was pushed out of my dream job 6 years ago this week. I certainly don’t think about it all that much anymore — the last day anniversary just hit me as I looked at a calendar. I DO still harbor some resentment if I’m being honest but I also have come a long way and intellectually I know I’m in a better situation — I was able to leave a city I didn’t like to land my new job; new job isn’t a dream by any stretch but pays really well for what it is + has benefits that are amazing compared to what the old job had and I’m SO much further ahead on retirement than I ever would’ve been at the old job. I wonder if I’ll always harbor a bit of — what might have been. How has this worked out for you all?

    1. Yes 100%. I don’t think about it often but sure every now and then I have a bit of a wistful what might have been moment.

    2. I don’t know if I’m going to resent my employer. I know this is due to market conditions, and they’ve been very fair and kind through the process. Then again, this isn’t really my dream job, just the best job I’ve had so far, and I know it’ll take a while to build the same situation in my next gig, but at least it’ll probably pay a bit more.

    3. Yes, there is the initial sting and sadness when it happens, and then there are moments when you remember the unfairness, injustice, disappointment or whatever feelings you experienced. It definitely gets better over time. Please work towards not harboring resentment and focus on the positive. I tend to look forward and ahead..I find that people who tend to live in the past or not deal with change well have a harder time with all of this.

    4. I was forced out of a job in a really awful #metoo situation, and I am still angry. There are repercussions – psychological, financial, and career-wise – that reverberate several years later.

      The real issue is how utterly asinine the whole thing was. Sweeping it under the rug didn’t fix anything – it just meant that two HR reps, a high-level VP, and an award-winning employee (me) lost their jobs (three fired, me resigning) in addition to the harasser (fired), rather than just having the harasser lose his job. It would have been *in their own self-interest* to fix it and that still didn’t happen.

      Sorry, ranting.

        1. Your situation sounds terrible. Cowardly employers are the worst. I hope you can take cold comfort in the fact that you wouldn’t have wanted to stay working at such an awful place, and I very much hope your current job is more satisfying.

    5. About two years later, and still very angry when I stop to think about it. Our entire department of 300+ people was off-shored to Bangalore, and our FTSE 100 company patted itself on the back for diversity. I’m better off in some ways, worse in others, and I make up for it by actively working for H1B reform.

    6. I got downsized the day I returned from my honeymoon, and I’m still angry over a decade later. They turned what should have been an amazing time in my life into utter panic and misery, just because my boss was too much of a pussy to tell me promptly, and instead let the situation drag out for months until the C-suite brought the hammer down.

  21. Tagging along on a post from yesterday, some posters were talking about going to Venice in February and the high water at that time. It sounds like a lot of people here have been, so I wanted to ask: I’m considering going to Venice (coupled with Florence) next October. Is that a good time to go? Would the water be a concern then? From what I’ve read, that is the start of rainy season. Also, I generally like going places during shoulder season, and some things I’ve read say October is shoulder season in Italy, while others say it’s now a busy season. Can anyone comment on what it’s like going in October?

    1. I was in Venice last October 3 – 8. It was busy but not insanely so – you could easily walk around without feeling crushed. There was a bit of rain and some minor puddles in the Piazza the next day but it did not impede walking around very much. A few weeks later there was massive flooding, so I would suggest closer to the beginning of the month.

    2. I think October would definitely be shoulder season. I went to Rome in early May and was very pleasantly surprised by how uncrowded it was; it was a big change from travel to Italy in June-August. I don’t much care for Venice personally but I think weather in October should be better than February.

    3. My manager was just at the end of September. Seems like a good time to go — weather is cooling off and of course not as many families are touring at that time. Some rain is to be expected but it was only 1-2 days of their trip I think. If you’re only going to spend a few days in Venice, try to make them weekdays. The cruise schedule is such that there are multiple boats docked Sat or Sun but only 1-2 per day on weekdays.

  22. For those of you who have been in Biglaw or similar corporate jobs working 70+ hour weeks in HCOL cities like NYC or LA/SF, could you share an example of what your budget looked like? Any elements you wish you had splurged or saved on, or things that were absolutely worth the price for you? Please advise this newly minted first year shuddering every time I pay $2500 a month for my tiny space.

    1. The best way to stay in a budget is to cut down on your highest costs (more bang for your buck). For me this means:
      1) Getting a roommate
      2) If affordable, move walking distance to work to save on transit costs
      3) If have a pet, use a dog walker and not doggy daycare
      4) On food, keep yogurts, healthy frozen dinners, and protein bars at work – UberEats and Postmates was taking hundreds of dollars a month (and I’d only order a few times a week)
      5) Keep a set clothing budget – I find I used online retail therapy to cope with the long days. To hit a shopping bug I stayed in a monthly clothes budget and stuck to Poshmark for high dollar items like purses, boots, and dresses.

    2. Was NYC biglaw up until a year or 2 ago. I don’t have a written out budget but my expenditures always came out to 5k/mo — 2600 rent, 2400 for everything else: utilities + cell + groceries (minimal – more of an eating out budget) + $700 in loan payments/mo. It left plenty for saving and investment esp. as I got to be a senior associate, as my budget/lifestyle didn’t change AT ALL from year 1 or year 9.

    3. I don’t think you need to do something as drastic as getting a roommate with that kind of salary. I saved about $60-70k/year on a Big Law associate salary (averaged about $180k during my 4 years there). I was married but my husband was in school so not contributing to household expenses. Rent was about $2k for a one bedroom apartment (this was quite a few years ago now) and I spent money liberally on food (takeout and delivery) and a biweekly cleaning service. I’m not a big clothes shopper – I probably spent less than $500 annually on clothing once I had established a basic work wardrobe. My boss used to make fun of me for spending more on my lunch than my shoes. The thing that was the best for my budget was that I had no time to travel. When we traveled with did it in serious style but it was so infrequent it didn’t eat into our budget in a big way. I actually spend a lot more annually on travel now, albeit on more frequent, less splurge-y trips.
      My main regret is not contributing to retirement, but that’s not about saving vs. splurging, just about what I did with my savings.

    4. $2500 isn’t bad for rent in NYC. Also, moving to my own (not fancy, in the same rent range as you) place was worth it for my mental health and sanity. And $2500 will seem like less and less each year as you get raises.

      Things I splurge on are dropping off laundry instead of doing it myself and taking a week-long trip overseas probably once a year (because work is more likely to leave you alone). Also, I don’t tend to be super frugal when doing dinner, etc. with friends because those I see as very worthwhile social outings. Things I save on – I clean my own apartment because my space is small (usually only takes an hour or so), try to grocery shop (even if mostly prepared food) vs. takeout, and don’t belong to a gym because I prefer running outside even in winter. But all that might be different for you. I also have student loans so YMMV.

      1. Yeah. I’m in Boston, and my 20 something co-workers (who are making high 5 figures) would love to find something for $2500/month in a convenient location with no roommates.

    5. That rent doesn’t sound insane, but try to keep your expenditures the same as you get salary increases (that’s how the golden handcuffs get you otherwise), and stash away your bonuses or use them to get rid of your loans.

      1. Tbh, golden handcuffs also get you if you’re used to money pouring into your savings account each year. I don’t want to give THAT up, not my regular manicures, expensive clothing habits etc

      2. Ha, fair enough. I miss that too. But you’re at least not stressed about having to move house, get a different car, etc. if you go in-house if you’re living decently below your means as an associate.

    6. My biggest savings was to get a nice apartment in an old building in an unhip neighborhood. It was a significantly nicer apartment and over $500 a month cheaper than I could find in a more hip neighborhood. After that, I figured out about what I wanted to spend on stuff a month and what I wanted to put towards loan repayment/investing. Then, I thought about what I cared about – for me, that was nice but not super expensive clothing (no four figure bags for me), but was not eating out/getting take-out unless my firm was paying for it. So, for example, if I knew I was going to put in a lot of hours during a day, I would stay at the office and order dinner on the firm instead of going home and getting take-out that I had to pay for.

  23. Talk to me about hair dye. In the last yr or so I’m seeing grey hair — enough that it is noticeable if you’re close to me and all kind of in the front of my hair. I don’t know if I want to get on a — seeing a stylist and getting my hair colored every x weeks schedule — yet. Maybe I do, IDK. But in the meantime I have a wedding to attend as well as a few possible interviews in the next month, where I’d like gray not to be noticeable. I don’t want to run to just any stylist in the next week and have them just do any hair coloring without any thought to it. Are there any easy, do it at home solutions (like there are for men — at least in commercials it seems like they have shampoo in options). How do they end up looking? I have an easy hair color to match — it’s the standard Indian-American black.

    1. Just do a demi-permanent. It will give you a month or so of washes to figure out what you want to do. Clairol natural instincts is super easy to use and a little less chemically, especially since you’re only depositing color at the roots.

    2. Plenty of good options at the drug store. I like the L’Oreal Excellence color – it covers greys well and comes with an applicator comb that attaches to the bottle you mix the color in, making it easy to apply. It’s not drippy. After you put it in, and tie your hair up if it’s long, just go around the forehead and pick up any smudges with a cotton ball and peroxide so you don’t get any stains. I use a reddish brown color and get a lot of compliments. For a dark color like yours I would expect that it would cover the grey well and leave your hair nice and shiny.

    3. You can get all different levels of temporary dye at a drugstore or grocery store. I got one for Halloween that only lasts until you wash it out, but you can also get some that are semi-permanent and last a few weeks or a “hair mascara” that you brush on with a wand (instead of dying your whole head).

      1. Can you possibly name some brands so I can just go to the store and look? Clairol Natural Instincts is one rec from above (thanks!) – I’ll take any others that people may have. Is there a brand for the hair mascara?

    4. Before you try hair color, you might want to try a color depositing conditioner like the one below. (Wear gloves because it really does deposit colors!) This will blend your gray hair into your natural hair color without a big commitment. I work it through my hair and use a disposable shower cap for the full 20 minutes.

      https://www.sephora.com/product/color-boosting-gloss-deep-conditioning-treatment-P409401?skuId=2204618&om_mmc=ppc-GG_1165716911_56760239207_aud-722677713820:pla-420321942633_2204618_257731960007_9027582_c&country_switch=us&lang=en&ds_rl=1261471&gclid=CjwKCAjwxt_tBRAXEiwAENY8hfRRig2cgkyQ5dawz847HtEMmw2b7OMtZ6ZVQZdQn6Nnr6HPi0-GsBoCZsEQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

      1. This looks good. Do you shampoo it out once you’re done or just rinse it out? How long does it last?

        1. I rinse it out like normal conditioner. It fades slowly but it lasts at least 4 shampoos. (So about a week or so.)

      2. You might also look at Fancifull rinses. You apply it as needed on gray areas wet or dry (I use a little envelope-moistening bottle) and it washes out when you shower. I find that painting it on this way deposits a little color in a more permanent way (lasts a few days?) so it looks like highlights.

    5. I love henna for this – it covers grey beautifully. Dark hair can have a darker henna.

      1. OP here – I’m actually not a fan of henna – or at least not the henna I’ve seen all my life, it’s just way too red/orange and it makes it super obvious that you’re coloring your hair. Maybe the darker henna is better but I don’t want to attempt something I know I don’t like generally with events coming up — there’s not enough time for it to grow out/be redone if it turns out to not look good.

      2. Be very aware that it is difficult and sometimes impossible to color over henna. Henna is a committment and you basically have to grow it out. Also, natural henna is not black, it is reddish to dark brown. Black henna probably has PPD in it and might put you in the hospital – occasionally you’ll find black henna that is colored with indigo but it will make your hair blue-black (and many people of Indian descent have very very dark brown hair considered a level 2, not blue-black hair) and is hard to verify.

    6. Also Indian-American — I’ll be honest – home hair dye doesn’t look that good. I can always tell who uses it, as opposed to a salon. It looks very flat and cheap If you can, I would highly recommend going to a salon. I need root touch up every 4 weeks. I chose a good salon near my house and pop in for a quick appointment. I’ve eliminated highlights or anything that would cause me to have to be there longer than 1.5 hours. I get my hair trimmed every other time.

      1. I think home hair dye that you then apply a gloss over can look very good and natural. I think one of the most unnatural looking things about dark hair dye is that people dye their hair straight black. The vast majority of people’s hair is not solid or uniformly black, it is a dark brown, usually between levels 2 and 4 on most hair dye charts. It’s better to go with a very dark brown than a black. Sometimes this is called “almost black”, “off-black” or “deep brown neutral”

  24. What credit card do you recommend for someone with very good/excellent credit? I need to get a new one, since my beloved Uber credit card is moving all rewards to Uber Cash. I would be using it for personal stuff and work travel, and I already have a regular cash-back card (Ally and Discover). I’m in biglaw for now but likely transitioning out in the next year.

    1. Are you looking for cash back or rewards, lounge membership? What do you want your credit card to do?

    2. I use the Chase Sapphire Reserve, you get points on everything and a $300 travel credit. There is a $450 annual fee. But I had enough points to book a couple of vacations – hotel and airfare.

      Or check out Nerd Wallet for other recommendations.

      2. This is a great card if you like to travel and eat out – 3% back on travel (very broadly defined) and dining, but if you redeem points for travel through their online search engine, your points have 50% more value, so essentially it’s 4.5% back, which is really unbeatable. The advertised $450 annual fee is misleading – you get a credit for the first $300 in travel purchases so assuming you spend more than $300 on travel, the annual fee is $150, which is much more reasonable.

        OP, the question isn’t really whether or not you have excellent credit. The question is how much you put on credit cards and in what category. The more you spend, the more likely it is that an annual fee is worth it. Most rewards programs are category-specific, so find a card that has high percent back for your biggest categories of spending.

    3. I’m not willing to invest a lot of time or energy in to gaming the system for the best rewards, my spending isn’t mainly in one category, and I don’t travel a lot any more. So I went with the citi double cash back card. You get 2% on all purchases and there is no annual fee. It works for me

  25. I’m 35. I have boring shoulder length dark brown hair, never dyed. I have some greys, but I would not say I am yet “going grey.” It’s about the point where I or my husband can go through and grab 10-15 greys with tweezers and there will be no more grey.

    I want a change- both the style (ie I want something less boring) and also to stop pulling out the greys but not having grey hairs. Do I do some kind of DIY thing? If I go to a salon, what do I ask for? I really, really don’t know what I want, other than something that looks good. Is going lighter/ getting highlights a maintenance nightmare?

    HELP.

    1. I’d go on instagram and typein “CITYHAIRSTYLIST” and start following the stylists/salons of hair cuts you like. Once you get a feel of the ones whose style you consistently like, make an appointment for a consultation. Your stylist can guide you. The information you provided really doesn’t help us at all in terms of style recs so you’re better off following a professional.

      I will say as an unnatural blonde, I do baylayage highlights on a brown base every 4-6 months and a deep condition at home once a month and it’s super easy maintenance.

  26. To the poster yesterday asking about S&K coats. I responded late in the day so you may not have seen, so commenting here. They look very nice but will not be warm. They are only 55% wool at best and the rest polyester. I’d recommend Aritzia for similar coats that are actually warm, particularly the Babaton and Wilfred lines. My own observation is the Wilfred line is warmer/more substantial than Babaton.

  27. I have to say, for all the complaining about Parisians being rude, I have never experienced rudeness in the service/hospitality industry on par with that in midtown NYC.

    If you know of a hotel that has great service that is reasonably walkable to 45th and 3rd, I’m all ears.

    The Lexington and the Grand Hyatt are both off the list (and I’ve given them several tries)

    1. I don’t understand – what are people doing at these hotels that’s SOOO bad? Was it things like lost reservations etc. which obviously is a huge problem when you’re traveling or was it more like – they aren’t warm and friendly? You’re not going to find excessive warmth in midtown yet I find hotel people to be nice enough and efficient. Maybe you need a boutique hotel? They’re smaller and generally less stressed whereas the Grand Hyatt at Grand Central needs to run like a well oiled machine because it has so many guests at any one time. The Giraffe may be worth a look though it’s a walk from your location (26th and Park).

      1. Not responding to broken things in the room (hvac for instance), not having the room available when I’ve done online check in and the app tells me my room is ready, long lines at check in while staff are standing there chatting with each other and not checking people in. Things like that. And then if you say anything, never “I’m sorry”- ever.

        1. You need to leave reviews on TripAdvisor. That’s the only way some of these places will change.

          1. I absolutely will be doing that? But my history is that you get a long apology from the “manager” on trip advisor, and nothing changes.

          2. The hotels OP mentioned have 5,000+ and 11,000+ TripAdvisor reviews, respectively. One negative review will be ignored. (Sorry to say.)

      2. You need smaller hotels. With hotels like the Grand Hyatt, if something like HVAC breaks — they put in a requisition and they’ll get to you when they get to you — could be today or in 3 days and they’re not bending over backwards if you tell them it’s too hot/cold; if they have a spare room they may move you but often those hotels are sold out so complaints are met with a shrug. Plus hotels like the Hyatt next to Grand Central get business guests and people who stay just for location — they don’t have to work hard to keep guests happy.

        Try the Andaz — around 42 and 5th. It’s expensive but top notch and complaints won’t go unanswered. Generally look for SMALLER hotels — even with brand names — they’re just more responsive to their clientele.

        1. Along these lines – I recently stayed at the Box House Hotel in Brooklyn and loved it. Yes, I know you said midtown, but I actually found it to be super convenient to midtown – it’s very near the 7 line and they have a car that will take you to the station if you don’t want to walk. The price was probably half of what I would have paid if I’d stayed in midtown (if I’d been able to find a hotel in midtown at all, which I couldn’t).

      3. The Grand Hyatt lost my reservation completely – even though I had a printed confirmation email and I had reserved the room on their website. I ended up at the Westin down the street that only had hot water, not cold. Thankfully the Kimpton was able to get me in the next night (at a considerable price upgrade) and save the remainder of my trip.

      4. The Grand Hyatt really is dreadful. The Andaz, three blocks west, is perfect.

    2. I love the Refinery – it is a cool boutique with a great restaurant and super helpful front desk staff. It is on 38th between 5th and 6th so definitely in the zone for you.

  28. Hey I hope you ladies can help me with a dilemma: I am on the board of a large (200-plus member) service club and it’s about time to pick a president-elect. A good friend of mine really wants the job and would be great at it. The problem is that a not-insignificant number of board members object to her as the face of the organization because of her appearance, which I would characterize as “take me or leave me, I’m not interested in style or fashion.” I think this is straight-up sexism and it makes me SO MAD. But… I wonder whether it would be a kindness to give her a heads up that at least cutting her long gray parted-in-the-middle hair into something a bit more current might help her cause? Ugh. Just typing that makes me feel icky. What say you, Hive?

    1. No, don’t do that and I’m shocked you’re even suggesting it. You need to push back on that sexism. I had a professor who wore her gray hair that exact way while also wearing zip-off hiking pants and T-shirts she got from the Yosemite gift shop and guess what? She was still one of the top professors in the department at the best public university in the U.S.

      1. I agree with Anon. It’s a service club, it’s a volunteer organization, and she’s willing to sign up to do a lot of thankless work for no pay. Sexist farts do not get to demand a makeover!

        1. Agreed. Men are basically gross once they are over 50, so who are they to complain about older women who may not be as cute as they were at 20. FOOEY on them! I dated a guy who constantly passed gas, no matter where he was. And he had the nerve to tell me I had to “step up my game”, even tho I dress well, exercise, and have lots of guys just waiting for me to give them an in. You can’t let men bully you around, even if they look like Tom Cruze. He is short!

      2. Thanks for this. That has been my inclination and after I typed it I realized that there is just no possible way that I’m willing to have that conversation.

        Good grief. It makes me SO MAD. And mad at myself for even considering it.

        Sheesh.

        1. Yeah, this is the script I would use: “I’m surprised that you’re suggesting that Susan’s hairstyle should have any bearing on her qualifications for the position. As I’m sure you’re aware, we would not only lose out on great talent for our organization by eliminating older female candidates with gray hair, but we would also be guilty of both sexism and ageism. What I’m most interested in is her experience with ___ and ____.”

          Also wouldn’t hurt to point out any of the men with gray hair who surely exist at your organization.

          1. Heh what I actually said was “Dudes, this is straight-up sexism! I’m ashamed of you all!”

    2. If the board members aren’t able to see past her aesthetic to view her in a professional light, then I doubt something as simple as a haircut would necessarily change that impression. If I were her, I would want to be made aware of what board members thought of my appearance but I would not want someone to instruct me on what to do about it. That said, I really doubt appearance is the only thing holding her back from that position and it’s very likely that even though her appearance has likely contributed to their opinion of her, simply changing it won’t remove all of the opinions they’ve built up over time.

    3. It’s sexism and ageism. It sounds like you’re in a position to push back, so I would definitely do that.

        1. Not to be internet-stalkery, but if this is the org that your husband also belongs to, can he reinforce your message? The more people denouncing this sort of behavior, the better.

    4. I think this is highly dependent on how “take me or leave me, I’m not interested in style or fashion” is executed. It could mean not super up to date on fashions or not a makeup wearer. But in many organizations, it can also read as “I don’t respect this organization enough to look like I put in any effort into my appearance.” Not appearing appropriately kempt/groomed when a situation calls for it can definitely read as “I’m too good to even deign to fit in”. I liken it to showing up to a funeral in jeans or going to work without brushing your hair. Yes, I will judge you if it looks like you’re thumbing your nose at the organization I care about.

      Honestly, when people say someone doesn’t fit an image, it often has to do with how polished they are, not what they actually looks like. No matter her “take me or leave me” attitude, she needs to style her hair, wear clothing that fits, and dress for the formality of the occasion.

      1. This is reading A LOT into the significance of people’s appearance. There are so many reasons why someone may appear poorly groomed or unpolished that aren’t thumbing one’s nose at an organization.

    5. I…don’t necessarily view this as ageist or sexist? If a guy had unkempt hair and didn’t wear polished clothes, the feedback would likely be the same? People who look like a hot mess don’t often get high powered positions. (Allow the hate to commence.)

      1. Senior Attorney said nothing about this woman being unkempt. She implied that her hairstyle was dated. That is very different and yes, very effing sexist. Can’t believe this site sometimes.

      2. She didn’t say her hair is “unkempt” or that this woman looks like a “hot mess” (which is a gross sexist term btw, never heard it applied to a man even though they can definitely be sloppy and ungroomed). She said her hair is long, gray and parted in the middle. None of that is unprofessional, just indicates she’s not interested in dying her hair or following the latest trends for haircuts/styling. A man with a boring, not trendy haircut who didn’t dye hsi grays would never be passed over for a position based on his hair.

      3. I completely agree. To me there is a clear line between “not particularly stylish” and “not well groomed”. If you’re wearing clothes appropriate to the occassion (and that fit), are clean, smell neutral, and your hair is styled on purpose then you are well groomed. I know plenty of women who don’t wear makeup and wear clothes that are somewhat out of date but they look polished because their hair is pulled back or styled, eyebrows and nails are trimmed, their clothes are tailored, and they carry themselves with confidence.

        1. This is still kind of sexist. I regularly see successful men who don’t keep their eyebrows trimmed or whose clothes fit poorly. They seem to get away with this in a way that women in the same organizations just do not.

          1. I really don’t see that. When I think of the men who are in leadership positions at firm, client facing, they are all well dressed and well groomed. They have a good sense of style. At my own company, the men are pretty fashionable – with the C suite electing to wear ties and suits. I don’t think it’s that radical to think that you have to look the part.

        2. You’re being sexist if you think women need to do maintenance that is not required of men. Everyone needs to brush their teeth, wear deodorant and wear clothing that is work appropriate in both fit and style, and because theres no male equivalent, I think it’s fair to say women need to wear protection during their periods. If you’re saying women need to trim their eyebrows to be professional you’re being sexist. Very few men, if any, I know do any eyebrow maintenance. Holding people with the same body part to different standards in how they need to present that body part is sexism, full stop.

      4. Not a hot mess, not unkempt. I would say she does the exact amount of grooming/thinking about her clothes that the average man does.

    6. SA, here’s my take on it.
      Should you assist the organization with denying this person the board position because of her appearance? No, absolutely not, and I don’t think you are doing that or would do that.
      However. If you were my friend I would want you to tell me “just so you know, some people said some ish about your appearance in relation to the board position. I told them it was BS and that you were the most qualified person and that’s it. If you want to know more I will tell you but only if you ask.” Just so I don’t step into the position and realize people are talking behind my back and you knew the whole time these people had issues and didn’t tell me. I would definitely have a problem with that. I like to know up front what kind of minefields I’m walking into and I appreciate it when my friends give me a heads-up when situations are complex. If you were to tell me “I think you should change your appearance to shut these people up” I would be hurt. That’s different, to me, than “let me tell you about this BS that’s happening before you hear it from someone else.”
      YMMV and I think your heart is in the right place…you just want your friend to be successful. So, help her navigate the minefield so she can be.

    7. Joining the chorus of God, I Wish This Were Not An Issue. Thanks for fighting the good fight, SA!

      1. Well, hopefully she’s going to fight it now that she got the urge to be sexist out of her system…

    8. Is the “take me or leave me” air limited to her appearance, or does it also affect how she speaks and acts?

    9. If someone told me that my appearance was a big factor (either positive or negative) in considering me for a volunteer leadership position in a nonprofit, I would probably quit the nonprofit. I’m not interested in using my limited free time to inspire “change from within” or whatever among backwards people. There are plenty of other organizations that would be happy to have me and will treat me like a human being.

      It might be a real kindness to tell her what people are saying about her so she can stop wasting her time on an organization that doesn’t appreciate her.

    10. I’m honestly stunned to see you asking this. You want a nice way to tell your friend she is too ugly to volunteer to be President of your Rotary club because, the horror, she looks like a woman of her age?

      The problem is that you find yourself on a Board with a not insignificant number of members who are hideously sexist, and you should work harder to fix that and resign in protest if you can’t.

      This is horrifically bad and you know better.

      2. All the +1s.
        I also think it’s a little rich for someone who has admitted to having weight loss surgery when it wasn’t medically necessary and other plastic surgeries to say another woman’s appearance isn’t good enough. You’ve got a whole lot of body issues of your own, please don’t project them onto women who dare to be satisfied with the bodies they were born with.

      1. What exactly do you want? For people to have the perfect response to every situation?

      2. Same. “Would it be a kindness?” On what planet could it possibly be? I know you’re obsessed with Rotary but consider this outdated sexist attitude is why the organization is dying out.

        2. You’re welcome. Now take the advice offered above and consider resigning in protest.

  29. Health trigger warning.

    Dr. just relayed my medical diagnosis over the phone – Hashimoto’s thyroiditis autoimmune disease. It’s hard to process while at work. Can’t go home early.
    Looking for first-hand accounts of Hashimoto’s (my TSH, T3, T4 values all within normal range, if that helps you know where I am in this process), autoimmune tips, information, good wishes, positive vibes, etc.

    1. Aw I’m sorry. I was diagnosed with Grave’s disease (the opposite) last year. The good news is that Hashimoto’s isn’t generally serious, and it’s easily treated with thyroid hormone. Hopefully your doctor will be able to prescribe something and you will get to feeling better soon. Still, I know that getting a diagnosis of an autoimmune that will be lifelong is scary.

    2. It has a scary name but it’s impact on your daily life will be minimal. If your thyroid levels are all within normal range, you will likely not be medicated and so you will just get your thyroid levels tested once a year. That’s where I am – I was diagnosed very young because it runs in my family. I get my thyroid levels checked once a year and at some point when they decline I will go on a daily medicine for it. From my perspective, it hasn’t been a big deal at all.

      The majority of my family members on one side of my family have it and it’s a total non-issue. None of them have any other autoimmune disorders and they are all super healthy and active. Most people on that side of the family live into their 90s, even with the disease. They take a daily dose of thyroid medicine and that’s it.

    3. I was diagnosed with Hashimotos about 2 years ago when I was 27 after years of feeling exhausted and tired. I honestly forget I have it now and it has really no impact on my daily life. I take 150mg of Unithroid daily (1 pill in the morning) and see my endocrinologist every few months. He takes blood and then adjusts my dosage if needed. It might take a week or so, but you will feel so much better after starting your medication. It probably feels jarring now but Hashimotos really won’t impact your life too much and you’ll feel a million times better physically once starting the medication.

    4. Sending you good vibes. Diagnosed with hashimoto’s forty years ago, hasn’t really held me back. I did have to search for an endocrinologist who would listen to how I felt, not what my numbers were, and prescribe accordingly. Hashimoto’s can interfere with your ability to conceive, and you do have to take good care of yourself, eat right, get your rest, etc., but it is definitely possible to be happy and healthy despite it.

    5. I agree with the others here, but DO want to issue a word of warning as a fellow autoimmune disease sufferer (celiac disease here): autoimmune diseases tend to tag along with each other over time. For example, as a celiac disease sufferer, I am much more likely to eventually develop another autoimmune disease like type I diabetes, Hashimoto’s, etc down the line. So I encourage you to really take care of yourself. Rest well (and enough), eat well (and enough), exercise (but not too much), take your medication faithfully, watch stress levels, etc.
      I’m so glad that you were diagnosed – so many people spend YEARS trying to figure out what’s wrong. You’re well on your way to feeling better soon!

    6. OP here

      THANK YOU internet strangers for your responses… so helpful and puts things in perspective. Yes, I’m working with a functional MD and going to turn my attention to also look look for a superstar endocrinologist.
      Well wishes to you all.

      1. I am late to the responses, but I was diagnosed with Hashimotos about 10 years ago as part of a pregnancy test (ultimately lost the baby- I don’t know if those two events were related). I have taken a daily pill since then. Other than taking a pill in the morning every day and getting blood tests every couple of months initially (now that I have levelled off, it’s annually) it hasn’t impacted my life. Keep an eye on herbal supplement interactions with your medication (I take Synthroid and some supplements like Biotin mess with it). Also, FWIW, I had a healthy, wonderful baby boy about 18 months after my diagnosis/miscarriage.

    7. My mom got diagnosed with it a few years ago, and it doesn’t really impact her much with medication.

    8. I was diagnosed about 8 years back. I take one thyroid hormone pill a day. It has not impacted my life in any negative way. In fact, the effect has been positive as I stopped feeling so depressed, fatigued and exhausted.

    9. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s at age 35 and have been on Synthroid for seven years. It’s really no big deal, actually. I did have to have some extra monitoring of my thyroid hormone levels during pregnancy, which was no problem. (Synthroid dose often needs to be increased during pregnancy.) Now that I’m done having kids I get my levels tested once per year. I’m in excellent health otherwise. It’s always scary to be diagnosed with something new, but Hashimoto’s is generally easily managed with medication and I feel grateful to have a relatively uncomplicated condition, as far as chronic conditions go.

    10. What symptoms and test resulted in your diagnosis? I’ve wondered about it for myself because some of the symptoms match.

      1. OP here
        Blood tests:
        Thyroglobulin antibodies
        Thyroid peroxidase AB

        Only went on a health expedition because I got this weird serious infection in August, took a crazy strong antibiotic for it, ended up feeling like I was hit by a bus for 6 weeks after ended antibiotic (multi system issues) … just starting to come out of the fog. Don’t even get me started on sick time mixed with vacation/PTO… the only reason I haven’t been fired is because I’m not big law and was high performer for years before this in current role. Work and sick don’t mix.

    11. Be careful of information on the internet/in groups about Hashimotos. It is a favorite for people to diagnose themselves with. My mom got tested, was told definitively that she does NOT have it, and insists that she does anyway, complete with giving people medical advice based on her “experience” having Hashimotos. My mother in law also recently diagnosed herself with it, and my mom’s nutritionist/therapist (not licensed for either profession) apparently has all kinds of supplements because so many of her clients have self-diagnosed Hashimotos.

      I hope that you are able to get the medical care and information that you need.

      1. As someone who actually has Hashimoto’s (I was diagnosed in high school, and it was a rough time!), I feel alarmed by this. There’s nothing like a self-diagnosis trend to make doctors cynical about real diagnoses!

  30. The other day there was a big discussion on here about sick time being lumped in with PTO, etc. What are company’s bereavement policies? I just looked and mine is 1 day, which seems absurd to me. I kind of feel like the policy should be written so that for certain levels of kinship (maybe parent, child, spouse, sibling) you can take a week, and for others outside that category you get 1 day per year, though can be granted up to a week at your manager’s discretion, as i realize there are people whose grandparent or aunt is like a mother to them, etc. but 1 day seems very stingy. i realize that at a certain stage of life people might have a lot of funerals to attend, but over the course of employment at a particular organization, statistically most employees should not lose a parent, child, spouse, and sibling all in one year or even over the course of a few years? having to use up all of your PTO to attend your parent or spouse’s funeral feels worse to me than combining PTO with sick leave

    1. My company gives 5 days for the death of a parent/grandparent/sibling/spouse/child (or any in-laws of those). I wasn’t bereft when my grandmother died (she’d had advanced Alzheimer’s for years) but it was still nice to be able to travel to her funeral on the other side of the country and spend time with family without having to use vacation time. I only took the time I needed (I think it was 3 or 4 workdays), not the maximum allowed, because I wasn’t grieving in a way that interfered with going back to work. We get one day for more distant relatives and co-workers.

      1. this seems reasonable. i am jewish and to sit shiva for a close relative, i would have to take a week off from work

    2. I unfortunately have known people who have lost children or spouses. In most of these cases a doctor wrote an order for the bereaved that said they had severe situational depression (which was true) and could not return to work, and that allowed them to trigger their short-term disability and FMLA so that they did not have to return to work right away.

    3. I think ours is on the better end of middle of the road. Three days per death, not counted against PTO at all, only to be used for close family members, which includes – parent, sibling, child, spouse, grandparent, aunt or uncle, and all forms of “step” of the above.

      1. This is what we have although slightly less generous on which family members are included – eg not sure about step uncles

    4. Ime it’s something like 3 days for an immediate relative and 1 day for other blood relatives, but employers are pretty lenient about who qualifies for what. I know of people know got 3 days for a grandparent’s funeral in India even though grandparents only get you 1 day. I got 1 day for a close friend’s death even though we weren’t related.

      But it’s still an absurdly short amount of time and I don’t understand why. As a manager, I really don’t want you back in the office if your child died 3 days ago. Things like that are rare enough that there isn’t any burden on the employer in granting people a reasonable amount of time to recover from a life changing loss like the death of a spouse or child.

      1. I thought the point of it was to allow time to attend the funeral, but if you need more time off than that (completely understandable in many instances), that is where FMLA would need to kick in.

        1. +1 – the time is for attending and dealing with the funeral, not to cover grieving.

    5. My old job offered three days, but my supervisor was a jerk and would play favorites with her staff. She let a friend of mine take one of the days to attend a funeral for a friend’s relative, but then denied me the day to attend my uncle’s funeral because he “wasn’t immediate family.” No matter what time off you offer, don’t micromanage who is “real” family. Let your employees handle their own lives.

    6. We can take up to three days, but it comes out of your sick leave (which otherwise carries over and is used as kind of a short-term disability policy for most people). IME, people who have lost a spouse or child take significantly more time, but I kind of doubt it is paid if vacation time is not used.

    7. We get 3 weeks for the death of a spouse or child and 3 days for other family members. I think it can use some adjustment since 3 days isn’t a lot for a parent or sibling.

  31. Recs for books to check out on Kindle Unlimited? I’m a fan of Harry Potter, Agatha Christie, Paul Auster, Freakonomics, Positive Psychology, and the like.

    1. J.K Rowling writes a private detective series under the pen-name Robert Galbraith. I’ve enjoyed reading all of them!

  32. For those of you that are Kind of A Big Deal, what (if any) is the right way to talk to you about work in a social setting? My daughter’s good friend’s dad is the partner on a Really Big Case that has national coverage. I’m not a lawyer. I’m not in this space at all. It’s not business development, just a thing happening in the world that i’m curious about. Like, imagine being at a soccer game standing next to idk, Robert Mueller. Could you really not be like, hey, how bout that crazy year you had eh? Or being at a middle school open house standing with someone running for the democratic ticket bc their kid goes to school there (“hey how’s the election going?”). Is it weird?
    One of the parents on my kid’s soccer team is a Big Radio Personality, and I connected the dots one day and was like OH any relation to Big Radio Personality? And of course, it was the same person so I was asking what it’s like to be in radio etc. I don’t see it as any different than a friend who had her art work featured somewhere where I saw it.

    But is this too weird?

    My industry is boring and my job is uninteresting. nobody ever asks how that development road map is going. ;)

    1. I am good friends with somebody who is very good friends with somebody who was the trial judge in a Very Very Very Very Very Famous criminal case some years back, and in fact I have vacationed with my friend and that person. The rule with that person is Don’t Talk About The Case, Ever, largely, I think, because there was enough attention at the time to last a lifetime.

      On the other hand, I’m in Los Angeles and come across actors from time to time and I don’t hesitate to say things like “oh, I really enjoyed your work in XYZ Thing,” and they seem to appreciate it.

    2. No relevant comments but amused that this post and the first response are Very Big on the capitalization-for-emphasis thing.

    3. “Like, imagine being at a soccer game standing next to idk, Robert Mueller. Could you really not be like, hey, how bout that crazy year you had eh? ”

      I would talk about soccer in that situation, yes. But I am friends with people who are “big deals,” as you put it, and find that they are very eager to be seen as actual people with actual interests, families, and hobbies, and not their jobs inconveniently attached to a sentient being.

      (IMHO, it’s not much different from seeing a massively pregnant woman at an alumni event and asking about her job, volunteer work, etc., and not breeding plans. The fact that you have this obvious ‘big thing’ going on in your life doesn’t stop you from being a person.)

      1. Exactly this. I have one of these people in my family and as a consequence know a lot more of these types of people. It’s a read-the-room situation. For example, with Robert Mueller or SA’s example, those are people who tried to stay out of the spotlight but were thrust into it in the course of doing their work. In that case, they are less likely to want to hear anything about that than, say, a celebrity who might smile if you say “I’m such a fan of your work on XYZ show.” But then, in either situation, almost nobody likes to be just one thing. Talk about universal or common themes, like the soccer game you are watching, or upcoming holidays, etc. Also be wary of asking too personal of a question. Just because someone is famous doesn’t mean they signed up for a stranger to ask them deeply personal or intrusive questions.

      2. Agree. I seem to have a lot of prominent acquaintances for someone who is Not At All A Big Deal, and they’re just normal and want to be treated as such. Ask if they’ve seen that latest movie, etc.

    4. No, do not do this. The proper course of action is to act as if they are normal people and pretend that you either don’t recognize them or at the very least aren’t starstruck. Talk about the soccer game, the school, Halloween costumes, anything but the celebrity’s job.

      Source: Went to school with child actors

      1. YES. While I am not a Very Big Deal Person, I am at an org that is in the news often and I often personally work on things that are in the news, and get asked about it a lot. I’m not going to have a casual conversation about sensitive, important issues with a random person. And I don’t want to debate Big Social Issue with you, and your opinion (based on the 3 articles you read) on it is not news to me and probably not that interesting to me either. I’m here to watch my kid’s soccer game and enjoy the beautiful weather. Let’s talk about something else.

        1. I’m in a similar boat and at times it gets incredibly annoying. I’m a senior associate on a Really Big Case involving very controversial issues that gets daily news coverage, and people want to talk to me about it whenever they find out what I do for work. I’m fine with genuine curiosity and will happily talk about my experiences at a high level if they ask, and I also enjoy speaking to people who have personal experiences or expertise in similar issues. But more often than not, laypeople want to get into intense debates with me in social situations, and that is the worst. No, I did not come to this wedding/birthday party/workout class to argue with your opinions about Really Big Case.

    5. I used to regularly vacation with a princess (we were both friends with the same person who would host us at a beach house for girls weekends) and I always just talked about her kids or books or what they were doing for the holidays. I was super curious about the royal aspects of her life, but it didn’t feel right to ask.

  33. Do any of you with high standards have truly helpful husbands? For example I don’t really find take out to be an acceptable dinner option. So many of my friends dot on their husbands for ordering a pizza and I’m just like….I would be livid. I guess I’m just asking why equal partner tends to mean lowest possible effort to get the job done?

    1. I will say that one thing that annoyed me about my husband for years while dating was the fact that he didn’t just do things that needed to be done – so when we moved in together, we set up a list of who was responsible for what based on likes and schedules (I work less hours and more regular hours,so I handle stuff that can’t be put off and stuff I don’t mind – groceries, meal planning, cooking, and bathroom cleaning), he does the rest (vacuuming, dusting, dishes (including putting away dishes, trash/recycling removal). He’s also gotten better independently and picks up the slack on my stuff when I get busy and forget to do things – recently, we’ve been cooking more together so if I’m sick/busy/not in the mood to cook, we can still eat something good, instead of the provides-sustenance-but-is-really-boring stuff he used to specialize in.

      So I guess for me, I made my expectations clear and I was vocal about all the stuff I did, which also led to him doing more. This only works if you’ve got the kind of SO who’s willing to do that sort of thing.

    2. For sure. My husband does almost all the cooking and definitely at least half of all the household/parenting stuff. Fwiw, he didn’t know how to cook at all when I met him (he lived off Hot Pockets) so I always think it’s a bit silly when someone says their BF can’t cook and everyone says “DUMP HIM!” If he shows no willingness to learn when you tell him you don’t consider a Hot Pocket a meal, that’s one thing. But just not knowing how is really a flaw on the part of his parents, not him.

      1. I think this depends on how old the person is. For a 20 something, I agree. If a guy makes it to his late 30s and is still living on hot pockets, I’ve found that he is set in his ways and nothing is going to get him to learn to cook a meal.

    3. My husband is not my employee. If he thinks take out is fine, it is. It’s his family too!

      1. This! I get a little frustrated with people on this site who think they get to dictate standards to their spouses. If my husband ordered take out every single time it was his turn to cook, we would probably have a conversation about cost and nutrition but I do not get to tell him what to eat any more than he gets to demand a home cooked meal when it is my turn.

        Basics of health and hygiene aside, your standards are not objectively better because they are “high”.

        1. Agree with this. My first reaction to this post was “you’d be livid if your husband ordered pizza? seriously?”.

    4. I recommend the book All The Rage by Darcy Lockman. It is about exactly this dynamic, the writing is great, and I love that she doesn’t mind calling out her own husband, and not in a cheeky way. There’s an incredibly low bar for men doing home chores and childcare, and what tiny bit they do is considered a blessing since “it could be worse.”

    5. I’m pregnant and my husband cooks dinner for me most nights. He does the sheets on the bed, takes care of the cat litter, and takes out the trash when it’s full.

      But we both take the attitude that if we give a LOT to our marriage, it will (fingers crossed) work out in the end.

    6. Absolutely. And in fact, I feel like “helpful” is the wrong term because that implies I’m in charge and he’s, well, helping, which is not at all the case. We both have high standards for cooking and we both meet those standards. He’s the one in charge of the outside of the house and he rocks it. We both do our own laundry. We share the inside stuff more or less equally although he does seem to be a little bit blind to debris on the counters and in the sink, which is a price of admission I am more than happy to pay.

      I think it really helps that he had been running the house alone for 10 years and had his routines all set and I moved in to his turf when we got married. So if anybody is the helper, it’s me.

    7. Yeah, I’m with you. The only way I’ve found to meet my high expectations is to hire another woman to do these things when I cannot.

    8. I do. My husband has way higher standards for cleanliness than I do – he notices things before they are ever on my radar so he just takes care of them. He probably does 90% of the cleaning. I like to cook and am generally more health-conscious than he is, so I do most of the cooking (which he then cleans up after me). No kids, which probably helps. Also, he was raised by his father (so grew up seeing his father cook and clean), which also probably helps.

      1. +1 million to role modeling. My dad did the dishes every night at home and regularly vaccummed and not infrequently cooked dinner, made us breakfast every morning and did all his own ironing in the 1980s. It didn’t even occur to me that one might accept a partner not doing their share.

    9. Yes because we have high standards in different areas. He’s particular about not having any dirty dishes in the sink overnight so dishes are 100% his job. He washes dishes/loads the dishwasher every night and unloads every morning. I only touch the dishes if he’s away. I pack the kids lunches (3 kids, food allergies, not straightforward), and unpack the lunch bags. I also do all my laundry, the kids laundry and the household laundry. I change the sheets every week (he’s let them go to every three weeks). We split vacuum and wiping down the bathrooms. He’s fine with paying for more household help but right now we just have biweekly cleaners. We take turns doing grocery shopping on Sunday afternoons. One person shops, the other puts the stuff away. We make the grocery list together.

      For meals, we have a two week meal plan rotation. We each do half the cooking and we divide the ‘easy meals’ so that we each get two easy meals and one harder/more involved meal per week. Friday nights are take out. We don’t do take out any other night.

      I would hire a lawn service, he thinks it’s a waste of money so the compromise is that he does the work but on a schedule that’s about half way between the timing that each of us thinks is ideal.

      DH lived on his own, cooked reasonable meals for himself, cleaned his apartment and did his laundry for ten years before we married. I can’t imagine being with someone who wasn’t a functional adult.

      1. Adding that ‘we don’t do take out any other night’ has some flex in difficult situations like when DH got a flat after picking the kids up from their after school program, he called the tow truck while I ordered pizza. But extra take out orders are reserved for unplanned/emergency type situations, not “i’m tired and don’t want to cook’ because with three kids that’s pretty much every night.

    10. i think the idea of takeout never being an acceptable dinner option is an extremely high standard that i couldn’t live with. in our household, i cook and DH cleans. i DESPISE cleaning, so this works for us. so since dinner is generally my responsibility if at the last minute i said i couldn’t make dinner or was stressed about dinner or something and DH said “let’s order something,” i would think of it as trying to alleviate my stress and actually being helpful. i wouldn’t expect him to instantly whip something up. on the flip side, if tuesday night was DH’s night to deal with dinner and his version of that was always ordering takeout, i would be annoyed

    11. From all the complaining I’ve heard from a lot of women, I’ve lucked out. My SO makes dinner most nights, and even when I try to help out and make it a team effort it basically turns into them doing the brunt of the work and me filling in where I’m needed (they’re more familiar in the kitchen, multi-task better, and do things more quickly–so even though they do more, it’s not a source of contention because we’re both just working toward the same goal of having food as quickly as possible). I almost never have to ask him to do anything because he’s probably already has it on his schedule or it’s already completed. He’s twelve years older than me though, so maybe that’s the secret?

    12. I think it’s unfair for you to unilaterally declare pizza is never an acceptable meal. Many excellent parents find take out from time to time a totally fine part of parenting.

      Marriage is a compromise, not a fiat. You don’t get to unilaterally decide what the standard is for things and then judge your spouse harshly if he does not comply with your standards.

      So many of my friends complain about their husbands not complying with their insane self-made standards. Not every lunch needs to be straight out of pinterest and store bought costumes are not going to lead to ruin.

      I keep going back to this article I read a while back that said single mothers actually perform LESS housework than partnered women. I feel like there is this performative part of being a mother in a hetero relationship now. Like they need to meet these super high standards in a very public way, that are almost entirely of their own making and have little real consequences.

      1. I don’t think anyone is saying that people can never eat pizza/takeout. But if the woman is putting a homemade dinner on the table five nights a week and then the guy always gets takeout when it’s his turn to “cook,” he’s not sharing the cooking for the family. That might be ok if he pulls his weight in other ways – people divide up chores in different ways. But I think OP is objecting to the idea that a guy is cooking for his family if he always grabs takeout.

        1. The OP didn’t give that impression. She said that take-out is not an acceptable dinner option, which means that it is never an acceptable option. If she had said that it wasn’t accepted for her DH to order take-out ever time he was in charge of dinner, that would have been a different post.

          1. Anon 2:50 correctly understood what I meant, continually ordering food in lieu of cooking.

      2. I can totally believe that single mothers do less housework than partnered women. My kids (elementary/middle school) do make messes, but I can 1) yell at them to pick stuff up exactly when and where I want it neater and 2) even if they are doing something like cooking, they use fewer dishes and fewer ingredients than my husband. I think most guys my age (GenX) weren’t trained as children to pick up after themselves and are used to seeing one of their parents (by which I mean the mom) doing the lion’s share of the cleaning.

    13. I was in a relationship where all stereotypes played out and I stopped picking up the slack for my partner to see if he would take the hint, he did not. And then we had numerous discussions and arguments about him not picking up the slack, and he still didn’t, and I ended things (there were lots of other reasons too). My dad was the same way, and it made my mom miserable and they very nearly got divorced over it. Their marriage was terrible my entire childhood. I’m married now, and was so jaded that from the beginning I refused to do more than my fair share. My husband, as it turns out, is a domestic GOD. Truly. Our issue, which we are seriously contemplating counseling for, is he does so much MORE than me domestically, and when I do housework I get really bitter. I objectively know this is illogical and is coming from my childhood, but I still can’t shut it down. So, yeah.

    14. My husband does most of they physical work related to our mutual responsibilities–cooking, dishes, cleaning, taking out the trash, changing the oil, etc. while I do most of the researching, planning, keeping track of things, ordering things, filing taxes, etc. At this point in our lives, that makes for a pretty evenly split and we talk regularly to make sure we are on the same page.

      If we had an agreement where one of us was cooking M/W/F and the other T/R/S and one of us was regularly using takeout as a substitute for cooking, that would be a problem because they’re essentially using our joint money to get out of their part of the chores. Instead we’d probably talk about and redistribute chores, adjust how much we’re eating out/getting takeout/buying prepped frozen food, or change other things depending on the situation.

    15. We definitely had different ideas for what clean means and what a healthy dinner looks like when we moved in together. We we in our early 20’s though. We have grown together over the years. We have also had times when I worked more and times when he worked more. Or times when I was nursing a baby for hours a day or times when he was recovering from an injury, etc. We have always just adjusted during these times. I think we have come to agree on a basic level of cleanliness and we actually do a lot of the cleaning together, and get the kids involved. We sort of try to teach them that if we all pitch in this will get done quickly so let’s just do it and then we can do something more fun. But my husband’s dad had retired by the time he was born (second marriage to a younger woman…) and was very involved in taking care of the house and raising him which was unusual for the time and place and culture he grew up in. But this had the effect of making it seem very normal to him for a man to cook and clean, etc.

  34. Hello! Long-time couch potato, first-time runner here. I’ve been going to Orangetheory Fitness for the last few months and have made incredible progress – from not being able to “jog” a mile to running it under 8 minutes. For those not familiar with the workout, part of the class is a coached interval run on the treadmill … different paces/inclines/durations. For the most part, the intervals are short – a few minutes of running, then a minute to walk or something.

    How can I stop myself from bailing out too soon? I’m running … I’m tired, but I’m physically fine to keep it up for literally, another minute or two … but mentally, I can’t sustain it and I bump down my speed and walk. Does anyone have any tricks that work for them? Do I need a mantra? Recommit to the goal? Sing to myself? I wuss out, then regret it.

    thanks, ladies.

    1. Break down the goal further – if one minute intervals are too much. Just tell yourself you’ll do another 30 seconds then decide to stop or not. Remind yourself how good you’ll feel if you accomplish your goal.

    2. 1. Amazing running a sub 8 min mile! Go you! 2. I don’t love to run, but can do it, and the last few months I’ve been focusing on my breathing. By focusing on a steady breathing pattern, I’m not thinking about how much longer there is on the clock, and it gives you another goal to think about besides the distance and time.

      1. Not the OP but this is helpful thank you. I get so bored on the treadmill, hopefully this will help.

    3. How often have you been going and how many months exactly? I’m really impressed at your progress and it makes me tempted to try it…

      As for staying motivated to finish, I would try covering the timer (is that possible in OrangeTheory?) or setting your sights on someone else in the class and saying you won’t quit until he/she does.

      1. OP here … I started 12/7 and have consistently been going 3-5 times a week since. I love it (and I say that as someone who really hated running and has been an intermittent exerciser the last 20 years or so). It is crazy motivating (I take the calorie burn numbers with a grain of salt, same with their EPOC “theory”), easy to modify so can work for any fitness level (but I’m also really careful about my form and not overdoing it … some people push too hard and get injured, for sure) and a great all-around workout. If you are just in to lifting, would not be a great choice for you, but I love the cardio part. They have certain “benchmark” workouts where you record your results so you can see your progress … the mile is a big one. In Dec, it probably would have taken me about 15-16 minutes. In January, I did it in 9:37, May = 8:20, July = 8:04, Sep = 7:53. (I know all of this because it’s in the app!)

        Thank you all for the suggestions … really helpful!

    4. I’ve been told by a couple of OTF coaches that if you need to walk, raise the incline a bit so that even though you’re taking a walking recovery, it’s still “restercise” (ugh I hate that word!).

    5. Running is a very mental sport. Re-frame your thinking so that you see it as both a mind and body endeavour.

      That said, I loathe running at a certain pace for a certain *time*, and always aim for a certain *distance*. The latter rewards you for pushing; the former punishes you for it (in that the harder and faster you run, the more mileage you have to cover to hit your target).

      1. This. If someone told me to just run for a set amount of time, I’d run at a low intensity for a set amount of time just to avoid wearing myself out before hitting my time. Give me a distance, and I’m all set to run that, rest when I need to, then resume running. Add a “best time” to that distance and now I have incentive to compete with my past self, which is a perfect recipe for me.

        For this situation, where time is required, I’d probably pick someone to mentally compete with.

    6. Were you able to continue running the full interval at a lower speed? If so, you’re probably going too fast. Try dialing back the pace. I haven’t done Orange Theory, but I’ve done plenty of interval training and it’s better to do the intervals as designed at a slower pace than to flame out early.

      Also, there’s a big range between 8 min miles and walking. Instead of dropping to a walk, reduce your pace by .3 for 15 seconds and then re-assess.

      If you’re truly just struggling to keep yourself going mentally, I agree with the advice to focus on your breath rather than the timer. Inhale on two steps, exhale on six; repeat 10 times before looking at the timer.

    7. I used to love going to Orange Theory and the time I wanted to walk the most was at the end of a ‘push’ when we’re supposed to be at ‘base’ but still jogging/running. What helped was reminding myself that the first 20-30 seconds after a push are the hardest and that if I just keep going, through that discomfort, it will start to feel better soon as my heart rate comes down.

    8. A fellow couch potato, your comment is promising to me. Can you break it down a bit further to motivate? For instance, how hard is it / how obvious is it that you are unfit or easily out of breath? How tolerant are the instructors? What do you need to know before you go?

      1. To be honest, I found the first class somewhat overwhelming. There is A LOT going on and depending on the day’s format, there can be a lot of keep track of (where to go, what to do, keeping an ear out for the treadmill cues – what pace, what incline, etc.) and it can be frustrating at first. But by the 2nd or 3rd class, it wasn’t an issue. If you’re not used to rowing, that can be challenging as well.

        How hard is it? It’s kind of as hard as you make it! You set your pace (power walkers, joggers, runners, etc.) and you’re working in your heart rate zone/perceived effort. I thought I’d be self-conscious about being slow/not being able to keep up but really, everyone is doing their own thing and I’ve never felt remotely “on the spot”.

        The instructors (coaches) are the best part. They are incredibly motivating and supportive and all around amazing. My studio is super diverse … all ages, body types, fitness levels.

        There’s a Reddit forum devoted to the topic where you can read about the workouts, what to know, and there are always a lot of posts about people getting ready to try their first class and the comments are overwhelmingly supportive, if you’d like to dig in to the topic.

        I think finding a workout you love is a highly personal endeavor so I would never say, “You will love it!” but I am absolutely amazed at what a difference it’s made in my level of fitness. They have a thing called the Dri-Tri … it’s a 2000m row, 300 bodyweight exercises (so many burpees!) and a 5k run (on the treadmill). My goal was to finish it and I did it in 50m/20s. I’m a total convert.

      2. Not the OP, but I signed up for Orange Theory in July and am also pleased with how much it’s helped me get in shape. I really like that the workout scales to your fitness level, as compared to most gym classes I’ve been to in the past. The heart rate monitor is a decent approximation of effort being put in, so the fit people and those of us who haven’t exercised in years are in all similarly sweaty and exhausted. I like some of the instructors better than others, but at least at my gym they are universally supportive and mindful of people’s different needs (not just being out of shape or in amazing shape, but also injuries, age, etc.). I’m not excited about going to the gym or anything, but it doesn’t suck as much as most other exercise routines I’ve tried. They let you take a free class but if you want to get a better idea of what it’s like ahead of time browsing r/orangetheory can be helpful.

    9. Thanks everyone … great suggestions (as always). I have a lot of tools to take with me to class tonight!

  35. What are your tips for running meetings? I’ll take anything you’ve got, big or small. I’m running more and more bigger, more important meetings and I get quite nervous about it before each one.

    1. An outline/agenda so people know what to expect.
      Stick to your time, have a watch, it’s easier than a phone. If something will go longer than expected you can say, this is more complicated than expected let’s revisit.
      Build in a few minutes to let people have a chance to bring up something (relevant hopefully!) that wasn’t addressed.

      For the nerves, I think being prepared helps (outline minute by minute). Maybe something like toastmasters might also help?

    2. I always feel like meetings are for the purpose of making decisions/assigning action items. And maybe for reporting on actions. NOT for endlessly discussing things with no clear goal. So I am always the one saying “what’s the action item here?” And the meetings I run end up being short and productive.

      1. This. The meeting needs a clear purpose: to decide XYZ things and assign actions based on those decisions. The meeting should end with a clear statement of the decisions, the action items, and who is taking the actions.

    3. Start on time and end on time.
      Redirect people back to the topic or table it/ask them to talk about it offline.

      I tend to write my own agenda where I put more of a narrative under each topic to remind myself of what I want to accomplish and to give myself some practice with articulating it.

    4. Keep an eye out for topics that develop into conversations that should be taken off line. I’m in a group that puts on a couple of large annual events, and inevitably part of our meetings gets taken up with two or three people coordinating the minutia of some aspect of the event. Our old chair used to ask them to discuss it separately, the new one just lets them go on and on, apparently thinking it’s more “democratic”. Honestly, it’s boring and a waste of time, and not every little decision needs the input of 15 people.

    5. I like to have a powerpoint to guide the meeting. People like to have something to look at, and it keeps people aware of the topic at hand. Be clear about the agenda up front and stick to it. Recommend taking conversations offline, if necessary.

      I am a program manager, so meetings are my life. I still get nervous before meetings that include bigwigs or when I feel like I don’t have a good understanding of the topic. Make sure you invite the right subject matter experts… you don’t have to know everything. Call people out to give input, as necessary.

      I take super thorough notes during the meeting. Do a quick highlight of AIs as you take notes, and do a recap of action items at the end.

  36. How can I figure out why I remain on the fringes of a friend group and never really “in” one? I always seem to have great relationships with coworkers, but non-working social life has been a struggle for a number of years. I didn’t mind so much before, but now that I have children, I am worried they will be left out (and already are to some extent) of parties, etc. because of me.

    1. You’re doing better than me. I’m not even in the fringes of a social group. I have close friends from college (only a few though) but zero friends or even close acquaintances in my current city (literally no one local is saved in my phone except some coworkers). I too worry about how it will affect my kids, but I don’t know what to do.

      1. When I first had kids I tried finding moms on “meetup” but it definitely did not work. I am not a SAHM and the groups I could find were for SAHM and like 45 minutes away. Also, for one I tried to join they actually screened you which I thought was odd. Anyway, not sure if they have meetup where you are but I feel like it would work better in a bigger city?

        1. Yeah, rural, SAHM-heavy area for me too, so I don’t think meetup would work. I’m also not great in a group settting with people I don’t know very well. I find I either don’t participate in the conversation or I try to participate but end up interjecting awkwardly (wrong time or wrong topic). I joined the school PTA and it was a disaster. I probably have some undiagnosed social anxiety or something like that. I do a lot better talking to people one-on-one. I’ve thought about using Bumble BFF, but the truth is I don’t really want friends generically (I’m honestly A-OK with my introvert life with my family and a few close long-distance friends). I just want to fit in better with the moms at my kids’ school so life is easier for my kids.

    2. How often do you invite other people in this group to do stuff with you? I have friends, am usually in friend groups, etc. and I say yes to pretty much all invitations, but I also make it a point to ask other people what they are doing and invite them to do things with me. I am not The Most Extroverted person ever, but I like to find that Super Extroverted person and I make friends with them and then it all falls into place and I kind of slide right into the friend group. I like to build on what I have rather than trying to recreate the wheel. So the fact that you have a group already is a really good sign.

      There are people on the fringes of my current mom friend group, and if they make an effort to hang out and ever invite me to anything, I make sure to invite them. The people who don’t seem that enthusiastic are not typically at the top of my mind to invite back, not because I don’t like them but because I didn’t know they wanted to be invited back, if that makes sense. I’m 100% more the merrier and love lots of people to hang out with.

      How old are your kids? If they’re in daycare, that’s perfect. Start by having birthday parties where you invite the whole class. Take your kid to every birthday party they are invited to. Adult friendships need a lot of repetition to form.

      Are you in any social organizations? I do jr. league, I’m the room mom for my kid’s school and on the parents council for her school, and I’m in choir at my church. My kid does two activities, one of which is something that I have specifically scheduled to take place when my friend’s kid is also doing it so I can hang out with my friend. I haven’t made friends at the other activity yet, but that’s fine.

      This all sounds like a lot, but my life is very full and rich and happy. It means a lot to me to be involved in a lot of stuff. This is only possible because I work 40 hours a week and I live somewhere with a reasonable pace of life and a short commute. And I love people and doing stuff.

    3. I think you need to actively host in order to get more embedded into your friends groups. Plan one large event a year and invite all of your friends, knowing that some (many) may bail. Make this your annual tradition for your kids. As it grows you can figure out which way to grow your social circle.

      1. Thanks so much for the feedback – yes, we have parties and host things. The parties really confuse me as we do host, people come (more than once), but then they don’t reciprocate when they host. I am somewhat introverted but I am active with jr. league, kids are in sports, older one in preschool, younger stays home. Maybe you have something there about my desire to be invited/enthusiasm don’t show? I really wish I knew if the issue is something I am doing/have done, e.g. we think you are boring (hard to fix) vs. something I could fix (like, we expect everyone in our group to do “x” and you don’t do “x.”) Social media probably makes this all so much more painful.

        1. Sorry this is late posting but as your kids go to elementary school maybe in your neighborhood or maybe a private school you choose because of your values, you will have more in common with parents and more dedicated events and you will see the same parents again and again at PTA, etc. Preschool is tough esp. with working parents and birthday parties aren’t consistent – some just do in class, some just do all the girls, some do with family and friends. If you want to be on a parent committee or something you could, but people be crazy.

          Some ideas are to go to a house of worship (I don’t care if you believe in a Creator, but the congregations are welcoming to young families and you’ll see the same people every week or month at family services or whatever and those people HAVE to be nice and there’s usually structured activities). Or to offer to be Room Mom. I don’t think that it’s something you’ve done at all. You just need to find someone to click with and it might not be the clique – ugh there is always a mom clique everywhere and yes social media makes it worse. It’ll be fine.

Comments are closed.